Bipolar has had a big hand in making me who I am today. That’s just a truism. But is this actually a good thing? People often say they are thankful for everything they have been through because it has made them who they are today. In fact, it’s a new year and people are saying this all over the place. But can you be thankful for bipolar because it made you who you are today?

Bad Things (Like Bipolar) Are Worth It?

I’m really tired of people saying that all the bad things that have happened to them in life were worth it because it made them who they are today. I have two things to say about this: 1. Clearly the things that happened to you weren’t bad enough and 2. Imagine how amazing you would be without having to have had years spent dealing with those things?

Bipolar Has Made Me Who I Am Today

In my case, obviously, bipolar has had a major influence in making me who I am today. I do not appreciate this, however. While, yes, bipolar has given me insight and bipolar has given me a career and bipolar has offered me greater empathy towards others, that is not enough. That does not balance out the daily suffering — not by a long shot.

Why the Gifts Don’t Make Bipolar Disorder Worth It

First off, yes, bipolar granted me insight. It’s the kind of insight (even enlightenment) that people with serious mental illness tend to have because they have to. If people with bipolar disorder don’t have this type of insight, for example, they don’t function in life. So, yes, it’s a gift, I suppose, but it’s like being given a life vest when you’re drowning — you wouldn’t need it if you weren’t drowning in the first place.

Has bipolar made you who you are? It has for me. But if bipolar has made me who I am today, is it worth it? What gifts does bipolar bring?

Then there’s bipolar giving me a career as a mental health patient advocate speaker and writer. That’s impressive to some. I get that. But here’s the thing, I had planned for a different career before bipolar disorder really started exerting itself. I had a fancy job at a fancy tech company and made a bunch of money before this bipolar-related career of mine. And what I’ve realized recently, is that I can no longer go back to that career, even if I want to. I can no longer work 9-to-5. I can no longer work 40 hours a week. My bipolar has made me too sick to do that. So, yes, bipolar gave me a career — that I now need because I can’t work the one I was trained to have.

Finally, there’s empathy. Yes, I do appreciate greater empathy. But it’s not like I wasn’t empathetic to start with. It’s not like I didn’t understand suffering without the bipolar disorder. I did, for a myriad of reasons. So has bipolar disorder strengthed it? I believe that it has, but that does not make bipolar disorder worth it.

Bipolar Made Me Who I Am Today — So What?

In short, there is no gift you can give me that makes having a serious mental illness that is possibly fatal worth it. If you had cancer, but you could never heal from it and it might kill you, what gift would you have to receive to offset that? Is there such a gift? Is there a gift that offsets daily pain and suffering or would you trade that pain and suffering for a normal life without those “gifts” in a heartbeat?

You know, when I worked for that tech company, everything wasn’t hunky-dory. I was a cog in a giant wheel; and, it was hard moving to the US to work for the company and living where I didn’t know anyone. Those things were difficult. But they weren’t the things that found me lying on my office floor with the lights out in the afternoons — bipolar disorder was. Those weren’t the things that made me take time off for disability — bipolar disorder was. Those weren’t the things that required electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) — bipolar disorder was.

Again, what gift would you have to be given to offset that? Nothing that I can think of would make it worth it.

If Bipolar Disorder Has Made You Who You Are and You Think It’s Worth It

Now, if you happen to be one of the people who think that being hit over the head with a two-by-four for 20 years is worth it because of where you are today, I congratulate you. Clearly you and I live in different realities. And that’s okay. I grant you yours.

But I also grant me mine.

Where I am today is a product of pain and suffering (among other things) but that’s not a good thing. I imagine where I would be today without the bipolar disorder and I sob. I weep for that life that will never happen. I weep for that happiness that I will never have. You might not feel this way about your own pain. But I do.

I know that pain kinks your path forward and I know this doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I’ve experienced some horrible things that changed my path and, yes, I got through them and I’m okay about them now. But bipolar isn’t one of those things for me. Bipolar has kinked my path over and over to the point where I’m walking on the spikes at the edge of a cliff at all times. I can’t get over it and this doesn’t make me or my life better.