It’s very natural to be angry when something egregiously bad – like getting bipolar disorder – happens to you. It’s not necessarily rational, per se, but it is normal. And when we’re mad about something we look for someone or something to blame. We look for someone to blame for our bipolar disorder. Again, this isn’t a rational, or even conscious thing, it’s really just a natural reaction to an extremely unfortunate situation, but it really isn’t healthy.
Who to Blame for Bipolar Disorder?
Bipolar disorder is a disease of the brain and it can happen to anyone, so really, there is no one to blame. However, if you wish to back it up, our genetics and life events are primarily to blame for bipolar disorder. This means we could blame our families. It also means we could blame any traumatic events we may have suffered for our bipolar disorder.
For me, this means I can blame my father’s side of the family, where mental illness definitely resides, and I could also blame my own history where in events like a sexual assault have occurred when I was younger. And, of course, I could blame the people in my life for “letting” the sexual assault take place – in my case, namely my mother. So I could go around blaming my parents for my bipolar disorder.
What Happens When You Blame People for Your Bipolar Disorder?
And, of course, if I were to blame my parents for my bipolar disorder, I would be walking around very angry, much of the time. I would take this anger out on them, and probably others. The anger would be big, bad and scary. This anger would tear at me from the inside. It would be fire singeing me and everyone around me.
Being Unaware of Our Anger about Bipolar Disorder
When I lay it out like that, I know it sounds like it’s so illogical to be angry that no one would do it. But the fact of the matter is, people do. People do blame others for their bipolar disorder. People do blame events for their bipolar disorder. People get very, very angry about being sick. And this anger may be subconscious. It may come out in stabs of aggression that we don’t understand. It may come out as snaps against those around us, even those that we love.
We Need to Let Go of Our Anger about Bipolar Disorder
But this anger is very dangerous and self-destructive. It is not a healthy coping technique. It does not enrich our lives. It does not embetter us, it embitters us and it certainly doesn’t have a positive effect on our bipolar disorder.
The first thing to do is to get in touch with this anger. Look for it. Feel it. Get to know it. It’s not really your enemy. It’s really just a part of you and not something to judge.
Once you find that anger it’s time to recognize what it really is – anger over being sick – which is okay. It’s a stage in grieving, which we all do about bipolar disorder. But it’s important to move beyond this stage so that we can keep going forward as people. That anger will hold us back. And none of us need another barrier in our lives.
In short, the anger is normal, it’s nothing to feel bad about, but it is something to face and let go of. Because it’s not fair to blame our bipolar disorder on anyone or anything. It’s just a bad role of the dice. And that could happen to anyone.
What if you’re ex girlfriend blames you for going into a BP1 manic episode when she was clearly hypomanic for at least a week before an “argument” where she flips out and realizes she’s in an episode? blames her BF(me) for everything and ends up cutting off all contact with him? I don’t blame myself anymore, there’s nothing I could have done differently, but what about my ex? Will she ever see what happened?
If she’s still manic her episode has been going for over 3 months now(her first one lasted for around 3 months years ago and she remembers nothing from it). I hate being unable to help and “cut off” I still love her but there’s nothing I can do. Will she see things clearly after she comes out of the episode? Will she try and talk to me again and explain what happened?
Should also add that my ex was hallucinating before she broke off contact with me and I’m pretty certain she was having some sort of delusions. I don’t care about rekindling our love but I am worried about her and what she might do when she finally does come out of the episode, that’s if she remembers all the terrible abuse she put me through. I don’t want her doing something stupid because she feels guilty and is too embarrassed to talk to me. What’s the likely hood of hearing from her? I would like her to know that I don’t blame her for anything and she has no reason to feel guilty.
Oh I miss her……
I blamed people places and things before I knew I had bipolar. Knowing has helped me change that attitude. My family’s dysfunction probably didn’t help my prognosis. Nor did my risk-taking behavior that resulted in a terrible accident that paralyzed one arm, and did who knows what to my brain. The other traumas during my growing up years didn’t help. Mental illness and substance abuse do run wild on one side of my family. Who knows how I might be if I’d had a good family. My bipolar 1 could be the same, but there wouldn’t be any reason to have PTSD, anxiety, and dissociative disorders comorbid with it. Blaming my upbringing doesn’t help with those either. I’d have to go up the family trees and blame all my ancestors who abused their kids. I try to focus on bettering my own life and that of my immediate family. I’m too weary to muster much anger toward bipolar anymore.
I don’t blame anybody. Its probably from my Fathers side. Not his fault. I was diagnosed BP last year. It was a relief. Explained lots of my behavior(s) over the years. Becoming addicted to alcohol. Burning bridges with relatives. Divorce. I also had brain surgery before. Sometimes I feel, Why me? How come I was dealt these cards. I see a therapist weekly and a psychiatrist every month. If it weren’t for these two women, I don’t know where I would be. This may be the wrong article to say that I am very fortunate to be in my current situation, but I am.
Of course those with mental illness are going to lash out at others and blame past occurrences, some of those things probably contributed to their pain and served as catalysts to the emergence of the disorder. Bipolar is not entirely genetic as stated. It’s an unfortunate roll of the dice yes, but the anger is justified. It’s exactly the same as taking out your irritation from a bad day on your spouse in certain cases, same goes for the girl who was raped earlier in life. She’s right to blame her attacker. Anger is a basic human emotion, and most aren’t going to blame themselves they blame others.
Just re-visiting this blog after a long break. I sometimes want to blame over-zealous teachers or teachers who didn’t hear my side of the story for my emotional breakdowns as a kid, I sometimes want to blame all the ‘supposedly expert’ doctors. Dare I say most people succumb to the weakness of blaming others for all sorts of hardships, although perhaps its a stereo-typically male trait.
But ultimately I’ve had many blessings. A very good education, a good balance between exercise and more sedentary hobbies. A lot of travel in a short space of time. A life in a country which may not be 100% democratic but isn’t exactly trapping me in every aspect of my life like so many have to deal with elsewhere.
I think for people like myself the best thing is to see overcoming bi-polar as a challenge, and one that will bring many side benefits.
And even though I have lost friends I have made new ones through a voluntary group made up of pretty much all people with some mental disorder, diagnosed or not.
I blame the people who were supposed to be my caretakers. They should have known that something wasn’t right. As a teen I was always enraged. My classmates were afraid of me, but some of the time I was the life of the party. Can anyone say moody?
One of my parents worked in the health care field. Do you think she might have put two and two together. I don’t blame as much as I used to because I don’t want to waste any more energy on that now..
My mother mention in passing that some women needed sex to get rid of the tension and that’s probably what was making me irritable. I was 16! She didn’t come out and say it like that, but I got the meaning. She told me this and expected me not to have sex. Who’s crazy now?
As a teen I was always thinking about death, more specifically mine. Every time I passed a certain power pole I would think about ramming into it with my car. I had nobody to talk to.
At one point in your life you have to stand on your own and decide that you can blame people all your life, but you are control of what happens in the present (I am not speaking of depression or mania. That’s out of everybody’s hands). The blaming still slips in there when I am not on my guard, but I want to forget it.
I’ve had a really hard time not blaming Him. I don’t know if I blame Him as much as I feel abandoned.
It’s interesting that I’ve known two people whose mothers work in psychiatric nursing who have had little to no insight into their young adult children’s bipolar disorder. I think it is illustrative of the training that personnel in the field receive – or lack thereof.
It is true that moving on is important (as opposed to harbouring anger and resentment toward people.) To go the whole way, forgiveness is the goal that should be aimed at. But I admit that this is the one challenge I have had the most difficulty with over the years, even though I know that not forgiving hurts me and not my tormentors.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Honey there is NO JUSTICE. That is the first thing to accept. Yes! They were horrible, sick people! They will NEVER EVER apologize or make things right. BUT you are the expert in your own life and experiences. You know what happened. Your reality is VALID.
I had a horrific childhood. I will never forget it. It will not dissapear into Tinkerbell land one day all neat and tidy and apologized for. I will never have the good parents I deserved. And yes, I have triggers now because of their horrible treatment of me.
I think IT is really a form of PTSD. Stress and certain experiences does trigger it. Sometimes it is just unbearable. I think what people forget is that hatred and blame for the people who harmed you is NORMAL. I really can’t stand people who have never experienced abuse telling us that it is somehow “shameful” to have deep resentments and sorrow. The best thing we can hope for is to acknowledge that and try to focus on WHAT WE CAN DO TO SAVE OURSELVES in spite of them.
Just had to write to you. Keep up the fight. You are a valuable person who was never nurtured. We have to do that for ourselves.
K
Great article. Yes, I am angry. Yes, it sometimes comes out irrationally at my loved ones. Yes I blame incidents and people. How to let go? I don’t know. I don’t want to accept the bipolar disorder. Yes it would be logical to accept the bipolar disorder. But I’m not there yet.
Spent over an hour typing a reply due to no google plus account. Say I don’t have a common name. Fitting as I’m not a common man. In short I couldn’t donate a kidney to a dying friend due to me having bi-polar and I’m angry. I will remain angry. You deal with it Lauren Wagner @ Hahnemann Hospital. Seems the white mans burden continues to apply to those with mental illness. I’m not giving up my freedom. If wish to do it. I won’t.
I had many years of anger – from age 12 to age 46, when I finally started to realise that bipolar is what I had. I had been asking everywhere for a diagnosis for years already; it still took me almost two more years to get one. It’s pretty hard to control your anger and resentment when you have no idea where it’s coming from and don’t know you’re actually sick. I have been on both the receiving and delivery ends of trauma, and have gone through much of the losses that Michael has written about (above.) I would like to see a HUGE improvement in identifying and diagnosing bipolar disorder to minimise the damage that can (and did, with me) result.
Took me 13 years to come up with a correct diagnosis because I never really experienced hypo mania, rather serious depression and anxiety I must have bought my shrinks a BMW each for what I spent. My Pdocs missed it and put me on the most toxic anti anxiety pill known to man, Klonopin. Now I am addicted after finding out about its evil properties and trying to titrate twice to no avail. I also blame the so-called specialists who will only see you if you have lots of money. Society shuns us. Yes I have the disease, but there are many who added to the horror of it all.
The ‘it doesn’t embetter us, it embitters us’ line resounded with me. I have worked hard not to blame anyone for my condition, but can relate to traumatic events (and those involved) being a focus of anger and blame at times. I think you are right – it is a stage in the grieving process. Unfortunately, so many people get stuck in this phase and it only hurts themselves further, which is a shame, because this condition is painful enough.
Great post, thank your for writing it.
Very good article. As you well know when we are born and begin to age, violent acts and abuse of all kinds help shape our developing brain and the chemistry and correct me if I am wrong that is not a good thing. I hold the people who did this to me accountable. That was the environment I was brought up in. I was born innocent, perhaps genetics play a roll in it. I don’t know nor do I care. But the reality of the murder of my soul is what I do know. My wife and son have suffered tremendously as a result. I have lost all my extended family and 99% of my friends as a result. I have lost an extraordinary career many years ago because I could no longer fight my disease. I lost my finances and retirement funds holding my family together. Is anxiety and depression genetic. Is being beaten like a dog genetic. Is being beaten as a child in front of your friends genetic. I can go on and on. I understand the premise, but I have lost too much. Being a daily rapid cycler with anxiety, PTSD and OCD co-morbidity is hell. I tried forgiving the main person responsible to his face and he denied everything. I will carry that around with me forever which in my case is too long. Is it harmful to me? You bet. However the insanity of my upbringing can never leave my thoughts and I have tried different moralities in therapy and meditation to try and have that occur. No luck. I am in my fifties.