Angry at Bipolar: Dealing with the Anger of Mental Illness
Also known as: I’m Mad at the Jungle
People don’t like it when I get angry. They don’t like it when I rant. On my very own blog. On the internet. Sheesh people, I am human you know.
And I’m not an angry kind of person. I have a theory about why you shouldn’t be angry and I try to use the idea that there is no reason to be angry, and allow anger to roll off my back. It usually works.
One might suggest it would be absolutely nutty not to rant. Pixels, it seems, breed ire.
But I think all sick people have a right to be angry. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not a good idea to live in that anger. It’s not a good idea to spread that anger. But for fuck’s sake, you’ve been given a life-long mental illness that requires too many doctors and debilitating psychiatric medication. You have the right to be a little angry about that.
I’m Angry at My Brain
But there is a problem with being mad at bipolar – there’s really no one to yell at. It’s really hard to yell at your brain. It never seems to work. It morphs into yelling at yourself; which isn’t the point at all.
I’m Mad at the Jungle
A couple of weeks ago I was fairly catatonic with depression. And so, not moving, I watched many of the shows on my PVR; one of which is called Off the Map. There was the following scene:
A woman comes upon a girl angrily cutting her way through the jungle with a machete. The woman asks her if she’s angry. The girl says yes, she’s angry at the jungle.
The girl is sleeping with a beautiful man whose wife is in a coma. He feels ever-so-guilty about seeing anyone else even though his wife’s condition hasn’t changed in four years. He told the girl when they started seeing each other it would always be casual and he would never commit. But the girl, naturally, fell in love with him anyway.
So the girl, hacking away with the machete, says she can’t be mad at the man for being withholding, because he always said he would be, she can’t be mad at the wife, as she’s in a coma; so, she’s mad at the jungle.
See, I’m mad at the jungle.
I’m Angry at My Life with Crazy
There is no point in being mad at bipolar, depression, hypomania or crazy: they’re not going anywhere. There’s no point in being angry with medications and nasty side effects as they are what they are. There’s no point in being angry with “evil” doctors because they’re doing the best they can. And there’s no point at being mad at the effects crazy has on my life as that’s not going anywhere either.
So I’m mad at the jungle.
(Granted, there’s no jungle around these parts and I don’t own a machete, but I love the phrase.)
I’m Angry at Stones on the Beach
A typical therapy suggestion is to go to the beach, envision a stone as whatever you’re angry with, or your anger in general, and throw the stone into the water as far as you can.[1]
Arg. Therapy annoyance.
I have tried this, and many similar things over the years but it doesn’t make anything change at all. Not a thing. Ever. I suspect that’s because there’s always new pain with bipolar disorder. Bipolar never passes. Mood disorders just kind of hang around fucking up your life.
I’m Mad at the Jungle
So, as I understand there is no real cause or cure for my anger, I try to just let it be. I feel strongly that the anger deserves acknowledgment. Then I let it go. I say “hi” now and then, and wave goodbye.
But I’m mad at the jungle will be my new catchphrase. Because fuck it if I don’t just feel that way sometimes.[2] And I think that’s reasonable.
20 Responses to “Angry at Bipolar: Dealing with the Anger of Mental Illness”
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So I haven’t been actually diagnosied with bipolar but I have for major depression and social anxiety. Doctors won’t diagnose me with bipolar yet I have severe mood swings. From happy and on top of the world to extremely pissed off to the point I can’t control my actions and black out to be so depressed and staring off into space.
I blacked out at my soon to be brother-in-laws wedding and acted out in violance cause everyone was up in my face screaming at me and holding me down (thanks for the million and one bruises that are still showing up weeks later). Anyway they refuse to talk to me now and the family keeps telling me that I don’t have any respect for their family and they are now threatening to get a restraining order on me. But I don’t remember one fucking thing for god sacks. Some of the family is telling me that I don’t deserve forgiveness and trying to convince my fiancé not to marry this nightmare of a girl. And others are saying that they don’t want anything to do with me unless I call them and apologize the way they see fit that I should. Only for my fiance’s sack did I apologize but now I fucking regret it. If someone had been PHYSICALLY ill at their wedding they would not ha e asked for an apology but because it’s a mental illness somehow its fucking different. I’m so fucking sick off being labeled as crazy. I’m sick of the damn pills I have to take everyday and I’m sick of being treated as being less then human for my fucking illness!
I don’t know what to do anymore!
H Christine,
I can definitely understand your frustration. And you’re right, someone with a perceived physical illness will get treated differently than a person with a mental illness and of course, this isn’t fair.
One thing I will say though is that it is OK to apologize when you hurt someone. You might not have meant to, you might not have been in control, but apologizing is still understandable and might help sooth over a difficult situation. I’ve apologized for things the illness has done. Not because I’m sorry about what the illness did as it wasn’t my fault, but because I was sorry that I hurt others. That’s never my intention and it’s something that needs correcting when it does happen.
One thing that stands out in your story is this: Are you getting therapy? If I were in your situation I would certainly seek out a qualified therapist because blacking out is extremely unusual.
And I hope you’re explaining all this to your doctor as well so that your medications can be altered in response. I know it can take a long time for that to work, but it has to be done.
Well wishes with you.
- Natasha Tracy
I found this blog post by typing ‘f***ing up your life due to bipolar’ in google because, well…that’s what I feel I have done. Last time it happened because I didn’t realise in time that I was going catatonic, and hence endured three years of recovery. This time it happened because I recognised all the symptoms and hence withdrew from my life activities, my plans in order to save myself from a potentially very dangerous situation. And now I can’t help feeling angry because there is no way of knowing what would of happened if I’d kept going. I’ll never know if everything I gave up was worth it or not. That’s bipolar for you. Everyone, doctors, family tell you how you should live your life. What pills you should take, what relaxation or bullshit breathing exercises you should do in order to be like everyone else. It’s one big jungle alright.
Hi Jennifer,
I can certainly see that you’re feeling angry and feel bipolar has been very negative in your life. You definitely aren’t the only one.
Catatonia is an extremely difficult condition to treat (as you know). Hopefully you can find a way to avoid catatonia in the future, if that’s possible for you.
“And now I can’t help feeling angry because there is no way of knowing what would of happened if I’d kept going. I’ll never know if everything I gave up was worth it or not.”
I know.
I have a very regimented life and live within many rules for the bipolar and I’ll never know if it’s worth it. I have to think that it is, but as you said, I’ll never know.
All I can say is that I try to make the best decision I can today and know I can make another one tomorrow. No one’s life is certain, mentally well or not. So it’s just a day-by-day thing.
But it’s OK to be Mad at the Jungle. We all need to express that once in a while. We deserve it.
- Natasha Tracy
[...] Frustration, thy name is bipolar. [...]
Natasha,
I enjoyed this post. I love your analogies! I am sorry you’re so angry at everything right now. It seems that writing does help you release some of that anger. I hope your med levels even out so it doesn’t consume you with anger. That’s rather unfortunate. Have you tried stress balls? I like squeezing them every so often, but they’re not for everyone. I hope you find something that’s good for you!
Take care,
Jess
[...] made a comment on the Bipolar Burble blog that I want to repost here: For me, the worst part about bipolar is that you get a sliver of hope [...]
I’m sure you know how this works … sometimes I feel like I can be something like normal, and maybe get something constructive from therapy, and make a real effort to deal the anger and depression and self-hate … and sometimes it all just washes over me in a giant wave, and I want nothing more than to let myself drown.
For me, the worst part about bipolar is that you get a sliver of hope in between episodes. There are days when I can almost forget to be sad and disconnected and broken. I love those days; I try to enjoy those days when they happen. But I also know at the end of that day, that another spiral is coming, I can hear it coming for me, and there’s nothing I can do but be fucking miserable while I ride it out and try to not do anything irreversible.
Hi Rob,
Yup, I do know how it works. Brains change from day to day. It’s hard to keep up.
“the worst part about bipolar is that you get a sliver of hope in between episodes. There are days when I can almost forget to be sad and disconnected and broken. I love those days; I try to enjoy those days when they happen. But I also know at the end of that day, that another spiral is coming, I can hear it coming for me, and there’s nothing I can do but be fucking miserable while I ride it out and try to not do anything irreversible.”
That is brilliantly said and unfortunately true. I actually wrote about it here: http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2010/07/the-rhythm-of-pain-during-depression/
I wish I had an answer for that one. But I feel the same way. Cruel hope given only to be destroyed.
I suppose all I can say is that I’m here too. We’re here too. Perhaps there’s some solace in that.
- Natasha
new reader here … I have so many thoughts about this post, and the comments (especially Massiyat), but I’ll limit myself to this:
I’m not mad at bipolar or doctors or chemical imbalances. I’m mad at the world for sucking the life out of me and making me feel like I am a prisoner to money, responsibility, and others’ expectations. I’m angry at injustices, arrogant assholes, religion, politics, the CAPS LOCK button. When I look at things semi-objectively, I realize there are so many things that piss me off because I’ve forgotten how to see the good in life, and in myself. Mostly I’m angry with myself, for all my losses and failures and weaknesses.
I have all this anger stored up, but no healthy way to release it. I try my best to hide it all inside, but I know I’ve failed miserably. When the Beast gets out, I hurt people I love. One little push, one final straw, and I explode. I scream at my kids for their mistakes, when I really blame myself for them. I throw things and break things and bash things with a baseball bat because I can’t hurt the person who made me so angry, even though I can see their face when I destroy something.
When the anger subsides, the shame and self-loathing floods over me. I want to run away to protect my family, because I think they are better without me. It is in those moments when I am most dangerous to myself.
Of course this lasts until the next mood swing, then it’s a crapshoot again.
Hi Rob,
Welcome. Glad to meet you. Feel free to share as you please.
I think you’ve hit it on the head (if you will). You’re angry with yourself and so you see it everywhere.
If I may be so bold, it sounds like your illness is manifesting that anger. I tend to get upset and cry, myself, but some people find the anger overwhelming. It makes you normal. It’s part of the illness.
You haven’t failed, you just haven’t found a healthy way to deal with this yet. You’ve identified the problem, so you’re on your way.
The biggest thing about anger is that angry people don’t understand they are angry or _why_ they’re angry. They think they’re angry at whatever is in front of them that they’re yelling at. But they’re not. There’s something else in side that’s creating that anger.
And you got it right again, that anger bleeds into shame and self-loathing. You hated yourself so you got angry elsewhere. Which made you hate yourself. That’s depression if ever I saw it.
You’re absolutely right, you need to do better, for yourself and for your kids. Get some therapy. They’ll have some ideas on what to do with that anger. (There could be side effect issues too, depending on your situation.)
But try to give yourself a break too. Nobody’s perfect. Just make a tiny step today. And then you’ll make another tomorrow.
I know what it is to be dangerous to yourself. I know what that feels like. I know how it crawls and itches and scrapes. But if you know that you’re working on what’s wrong, that will give you something to hold onto. Because I can guarantee, no one is thinking the world would be better without you. Just without your anger.
- Natasha
I think acknowledging the anger is good. I tried for years to suppress my anger and usually the anger would end up directed towards myself. I would just implode suddenly once it reached a certain level. LIke you said, I don’t dwell on the anger. I say hi, we have tea, and then I move on. It’s nice to have a visit every once in awhile. That is why I started my blog. It’s my “darkness”. It’s a very small part of me but it is a part of me and if I ignore it, then it also implodes so by having it and acknowledging occasionally it doesn’t implode or if it does then it doesn’t have the same power or strength as it would have if I hadn’t been letting it out every now and then.
But when people come to my blog, that is all they see. Darkness. They don’t realize that it is only 1% of who I am. It seems to me people do that to you. They look at what you write as if it is you in your entirety, but reading a person’s writing or blog is like looking at the world through the eye of a needle. That is really all you are able to see.
Hi Maasiyat,
“hey look at what you write as if it is you in your entirety, but reading a person’s writing or blog is like looking at the world through the eye of a needle.”
That is very true. I’m a writer. Therefore, I write about a lot of things. But like most people, I am very complex. To write everything I think about an issue would take more words than I have time or space for. One piece is simple one moment and one tiny piece of my brain.
But when you’re a public writer, everyone thinks they know you. Which is OK. There are benefits to that. There are also occasional downsides.
- Natasha
I was actually raped, too (victim seems to be a common place to be with mental illness as I hear…), but no one suggested I throw stuff for that. Just that I cry and talk it out. That didn’t work, so I yelled and threw things on my own. Throwing things did help some with that because, like you said, hopefully I won’t have that experience again so I could get it out of my system with (a lot of) work.
I angrily scream “fuck” a good bit. Doesn’t seem to do much for me because I do it a lot, but I hope one day you get to because that first time screaming it loudly is a nice release. After a few times…eh.
Good that you escaped the anger streak. It doesn’t play well with bipolar at all.
I love the “mad at the jungle” example. Whoever wrote that was brilliant.
Ah, anger management therapy. It’s helped with little things like “I’m mad I broke a shoe” or “my husband is annoying today” but not so much with “my brain is broken” problems. I stopped throwing things as a therapy because I found I didn’t contain it to rocks when I was manic. I do hit or throw pillows sometimes. Good for daily anger problems. Not so when I get to being mad at my lot in life.
I’ve been known to yell, “fuck” on occasion. One day I hope to scream it in great and furious anger. But so far, no luck. I’m really just not an angry person, in general.
In my case it wasn’t anger management therapy as much as it was get-over-rape therapy. You throw things then too. Which is OK. Because to the best of my knowledge the guy/experience is not coming back. Bipolar, on the other hand. Well, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.
- Natasha
me, too.
You’re doing a great job, friend.
xo
Hi Shannon,
Well then, feel free to adopt the saying. I think it’s brilliant. (I can say that without sounding conceited seeing as I stole it from somewhere else.)
“You’re doing a great job, friend.”
Thank-you. Stumbling tumultuously forward, as usual.
- Natasha
Well said. I just re-started therapy after a year, and I’m not yet at the “visualization” parts yet. Right now I think I’m just blowing her mind with my life and all the random thoughts that inhabit it.
I’m angry at my brain too. I want the very thing that makes me who I am to cooperate and let me be who I am-without the stupid mental illness getting in the way! You’re supposed to be my friend, asshole! (Oh, I”m yelling at my brain, not you. Promise)
hed hed above water
Hi hed,
Well, I might suggest that your brain only has something to do with who you are but doesn’t _make_ you who you are.
You see, you have your mind for that. The brain is really just a big multi-processor that’s doing the math for the mind. A rather broken processor, but one nonetheless.
And yes, brains are supposed to be friendly. But alas, you can’t pick your parents and you can’t pick your brain.
- Natasha