Something Good Comes from Bipolar?
Making a Silk Purse Out of a Sow’s Bipolar
Many people feel that with this site, I have taken something terrible – bipolar disorder – and turned it into something positive – this site, my writing, etc. People feel that I have taken all the agony and sorrow and turned it into an ability to help people.
And true, those people are right, but I’m not sure how I feel about that.
Turning Bipolar into Something Good
I mean, I feel good about creating a valuable resource and I feel good about helping people but I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this notion of something good coming from bipolar. In my experience, nothing good comes from bipolar.
Now I know, some of you are going to tell me to “reframe” the issue. Look at it from a different angle. See the good in everything.
Well I say poppycock. I don’t have to see the good in a debilitating, disabling disorder. I don’t have to do it. And I won’t do it. And I won’t be a part of telling other people that “something good comes from bipolar” either.
I Don’t Care About the Good, I Just Don’t Want to be Sick
I would give anything not to be sick. I would give anything to not to have to see doctors. I would give anything not to have to take medication. I would give anything not to be bipolar. Bipolar has taken everything in life worth living for. It’s not a blessing. Bipolar’s a curse. It’s a god-forsaken, torturous, life-killing curse.
Yes, I get it, my professional persona is one of confidence and wellness and sanity. But that is not the way I live. I live in a tight, cramp, painful, shearing, agonized existence where I simply try to scrape by day after day. Like many people with bipolar disorder.
And yes, I know some people have found things to celebrate in their disorder. If this is you, that’s good for you. But I haven’t. I haven’t found anything in the loss of life worth celebrating.
So maybe it’s true – maybe (or, OK, definitely) I wouldn’t be the person I am without bipolar disorder. But that’s OK with me. Because maybe I would be happy and untortured, and I would give anything just to be that.
About Natasha Tracy
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 18 years and has written more than 1000 articles on the subject.
Natasha’s New Book
Find more of Natasha’s work in her new book: Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar. Find Lost Marbles on Amazon.