“Mood Disorder” Doesn’t Describe Bipolar, Pain or Crazy
(timeless thoughts from a psych patient)
It is a stupid, cyclical life that I lead. I just keep going round and round the insanity-go-round, the mood-go-round, the crazy-go-round. It’s said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Welcome to my life.
Depression Is More Than Painful
I, of course, do nothing but hit my head against a brick wall every goddamn crazy, depressed, bipolar day thinking that tomorrow it will hurt less. The delusion of getting better tomorrow is all that keeps me alive. A delusion. Delusions indicate psychosis. Psychosis required to keep a crazy person alive.
And some days I get lucky, there is a breath of air from the crazy, the depressed, the bipolar, but there’s no getting away from the wall. It’s just there. Crazy. Pain, over and over.
How Long Do Cycles of Crazy Last?
How long does crazy last? I’ve repeated crazy and gone through treatment cycles so many times I should know. But there is no knowing and every cycle of pain feels like the first. The pain doesn’t seem to dull. I can just tolerate it better. There is no predicting, no timing things out. There is no fucking road map. You pass similar things along the way but the road is always somehow different and eerily the same.
Depression, Crying and Catatonia
There is that place where crying is the thing. Crying, crying, crying. And catatonia. Which is not helpful in how I’m supposed to be productive. Depression gets to the point where it acts like the flu. Skin hurts. Joints hurt. Eyes hurt. Sunlight burns. Headaches. Nausea.
This is how cycles of crazy go. I will admit it feels urgent and painful and catastrophic and desperate – crisis. But that’s just because it is all those things. How devastating would the illness be if it wasn’t?
Mood Disorder isn’t Adequate to Describe the Devastation
Mood disorder is far too polite to be acceptable.
Like sexual assault. This became the term used by everyone, instead of rape, mostly indicating that sexual violations didn’t have to contain penetration to be devastating. Which is fine. But rape sounds horrific whereas sexual assault sounds like something that happened in a clean room. It just doesn’t bleed.
And neither does disorder. Dis-order. Crazy is not orderly; true. But the pain’s the thing. People don’t kill themselves because of dis-order they kill themselves because they are in impossible amounts of pain. [pull]But it’s not the dis-order that’s the problem.[/pull]
It’s more like mood torture. A grating of the mind. An ice pick to the medula oblongata. It’s a bloody mood syndrome. A sharp, bloody, mood syndrome. A lethal, sharp, bloody, torturous mood syndrome. Now we’re getting closer.
We all know that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but somehow to be taken seriously, disorder seems so flaccid.
This is death by a thousand terrors. Lethal hatred. The killing darkness.
Those are things to take seriously. Disorder isn’t even in the same ballpark.
About Natasha Tracy
Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 18 years and has written more than 1000 articles on the subject.