Four Days After VNS Surgery

You may remember, that before this whole surgery thing, I was really depressed. All my energy for the past week has been so focused on the surgery that the depression was, um, pushed to the side? Drowned in a bathtub? Shredded into confetti and thrown off a cliff? Something like that.

But as any crazy person will tell you, that doesn’t work. Not in the long run, anyways. Maybe not even in the short run.

This morning I woke up feeling really, really sick. Sick how? Just really, really unwell. Dizzy, nausea, headache, fatigue, whole body pain, just, sick. Tried to eat, and that went really badly, so I just spent the rest of the day trying to not feel so bad.

I’m not sure that any of that is particularly surgery-related. Sounds like my regular sucky life to me. Combining depression stuff with health stuff just creates an indecipherable jumble of unpleasantness. Actual surgery related stuff includes incision-site pain, chest pain, neck pain, throat pain, shortness of breath, and pain when speaking and swallowing. Just in case you were wondering. It feels like there are metal wires going across the middle of my throat. There aren’t, by the way, to the best of my knowledge.

I’m having these moments where I’m really regretting having hardware put into my body. One of the things you get when you leave the hospital is a patient kit by Cyberonics containing awful information and two strong magnets controlling activation of the device. (There’s a magnet that turns the device on, and one that turns it off that you’re supposed to carry everywhere. The funny thing about that is that you’re supposed to carry it everywhere, but it can’t be near any electronic devices. How, exactly, am I supposed to carry them and have them not be near an electronics?) The book is full of things you wished you didn’t know. Full of things you’d like to know before implantation, but that you don’t. It’s really dishonest of Cyberonics to do it that way, but they are just like a drug company which doesn’t exactly make them of high moral character. I’ll let you know some of what’s in there later. I just don’t have the energy to do it now.

I feel like I’ve paid someone to injure me. That’s dramatic, of course. And wrong. I know. But I feel very, very scared. I’m scared to find out what’s under the bandages. I can’t take them off until Wednesday, and I really don’t like that. And I’m quite terrified about actually turning the thing on. While a super-special doctor will probably be doing it, the super-special doctor is about as caring as a granite counter-top. I’ve always said it’s better that the be smart, than caring, but I think I’ve had my fill of uber-intelligent and emotionless doctors, also known as assholes. But there aren’t a lot of choices where new-fangled implants are concerned. Very few people specialize in cyborgs.

I’m trying to keep myself calm about all this nonsense. But what it really comes down to is fear of the unknown I guess. I’m so used to all the awful things that happen to me when I take drugs that it’s no longer scary, just awful. This though feels scary and awful. I feel like shit and I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I really want to skip to the “good part”. What, exactly is, the good part?