When I make a mistake while experiencing bipolar depression, I beat myself up like none other. I get so angry with myself and obsess over any tiny, perceived mistake I make. Bipolar depression (and depression, in general) is brutal for that. As we all make them, we need to learn to deal with mistakes even with bipolar depression.
Mistake Anxiety and Bipolar Depression
It is not uncommon for those with bipolar disorder to also experience anxiety, up to and including, an anxiety disorder. I’ve written before about the anxiety around possibly making a mistake but the anxiety really skyrockets if a mistake has actually occurred.
Anxiety, stress, jagged, spiky energy – no matter what you call it, mistake anxiety with bipolar depression is awful.
Perfectionism, Mistakes and Bipolar Depression
It is also the case that many people with depression/bipolar depression are perfectionists. The two conditions are linked. This makes sense as perfection is sure to make anyone unhappy thanks to the fact that none of us are perfect. And being depressed, depression always looks for more things to be depressed about, so why not the omnipresent inability to be perfect? They really are a match made in the psychiatric hospital.
So, if you make a mistake, your bipolar depression may beat you up not only because you made a mistake but also because it was evidence of the fact that you aren’t perfect. (Naughty you.)
My Bipolar Depression Reaction to Recent Mistakes
I recently made two mistakes I am beating myself up about it. In both cases, tradespeople have taken advantage of me and I’m so mad that I let it happen. I was played for a fool, as they say, and it was successful, so clearly, a fool be I.
In addition to feeling like a gullible idiot (“fool” is far too kind a word) my bipolar depression has spiked my anxiety and so I’m extremely stressed, too, particularly as they were monetarily expensive mistakes that I can’t afford. The conscious thoughts are wholly negative and self-deprecating and the unconscious ones are painful and anxiety-ridden.
I do not wish to admit to either mistake. Like I said. I’m an idiot.
What to Know When Dealing with Mistakes with Bipolar Depression
However, even though my brain has been taken over with the “mistake reality,” my wise mind is still able to squeak in a tiny word or two. And what I know regarding mistakes and bipolar depression is this:
Everyone makes mistakes. I know this is obvious, but when you feel like the most idiotic person in the world because the bipolar depression is inflating your mistake-related feelings to ridiculous amounts, you need a reminder.- Bipolar depression revels in mistakes. As I said earlier, depression looks for things to be depressed about. So my bipolar depression is just looking for things to be upset about and looking for things to beat me up about. Of course, any mistake is the perfect opportunity.
- Mistakes aren’t a big deal. Let’s face it, most mistakes aren’t the end of the world. Most mistakes don’t irreparably harm us. Most mistakes result in annoyances. When put in that perspective, they have much less power.
- Mistakes are for learning. I know, it’s trite, but we learn when we mess up. I have definitely learned from my mistakes and I hope not to be used in the same way because I now know what to look for and how to avoid it.
- Mistake pain is your bipolar depressed brain speaking. In other words, the wise part of you knows enough not to beat you up. The wise part of you knows to take these things in stride. The wise part of you is there, even if it isn’t speaking very loudly right now. Don’t listen to your sick brain, listen to your wise mind.
- You need to give yourself a break. I know that it’s easier written than done, but if you have bipolar disorder, if you have bipolar depression, you need to cut yourself some slack. Everyone needs slack from time to time and it’s okay to give it to yourself, just like you would anyone else.
- Stop judging – it’s not your job. Would you judge someone else who made the same mistake? Do you judge others who make mistakes in general? What?! You don’t? That’s right, you don’t. You’re harder on yourself than you are on anyone else; it’s not fair and it’s not right. Hang up your robe. Seriously.
Bipolar Depression and Coping with Mistakes
After remembering all of that, I try to make an action plan to correct the mistake. This might include an apology, a strategy to make more money, starting a dispute with a company or something else, but I always feel better once I have tangible steps to take in place.
And keep in mind, sometimes you need help with that plan. I, personally, am rarely capable of starting a serious (even deserved) dispute. I need help with this. When dealing with mistakes and bipolar depression, I reach out for help with the steps I know I can’t take myself.
And I try to treat myself gently. I tell other people to do it all the time. We deserve to treat ourselves the way we treat our friends: kindly and with compassion.
I know my bipolar depression want to squash me due to my mistake, but I know that’s not right and I know that I can fight back and not just fall into a self-hatred spiral.
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This article comes at a good time for me. I’ve been making mistakes regularly in my job (and not small ones) for about 3 months. Last year there was a lot of stress in my job and I was barely able to keep on top of things. When the new year came I was determined to make it good but the stress is still there and the mistakes abound. I don’t make mistakes as a rule and I don’t know why I am. Is this a bipolar thing? Am I or could I be in some sort of extended episode that is clouding my thought processes? I’m sick feeling every day about all of these mistakes.
Thank you.
always hated the “go easy on yourself” junk. It’s just failure coddling. If a mule doesn’t pull the plow, it gets lashed until it learns its place, or gets fed to his friends. It doesn’t get a pat on the head and an extra carrot for trying.
Wow. I think I may not understand your response. Do you not think that we, as bipolars, tend to be harder on ourselves, our mistakes just because we are bipolar? I’m currently making a lot of mistakes whereas I never did. I don’t know why this is happening and wonder if it is something to do with being bipolar. Not saying it does, but wondering.
I may be misunderstanding your response and you have my apologies if I am.
Thank you.
I just found this blog and everything you have said rings so true and hits so close to home. Never have I heard someone describe all this so perfectly. Tonight’s not a good one but reading all this gives hope. Thank you
You are an amazing writer and I have taken huge inspiration from your posts. From a very new blogger in the UK trying to chronicle the funny, tragic, heartwarming and heart wrenching stories of having a mum with depression, BPD @ early dementia I would love to quote some of your words when I post on soniasmum.com. Are you ok with that? Thank you world for bringing me to Natasha’s site. Sonia x
Hi Sonia, I’m honoured that you like my work so much. All work is copyrighted which means you can quote up to 20%, which is called fair use. Feel free to do that with attribution.
I hope that helps.
– Natasha Tracy
This absolutely fits me. “Mistake anxiety”, what an apt phrase, because my brand of anxiety makes me avoid situations where I might possibly make a mistake, therefore drawing attention to myself, which is definitely a bad thing! And when an actual mistake occurs, it devastates me. I don’t know how many times I have beat myself up about mistakes that happens years or decades ago. Sometimes I am able to listen to good advice (such as your list) and give myself a break. Other times, not so much.
I’ve read a number of your blog entries in the past few minutes. Each and every one of them has left me speechless. After the one describing the difference between wanting to die and being suicidal, I was brought to tears. I also blog about my Bipolar Disorder. This has been a topic that I’ve avoided because I just could not find the right words. You did and it was surreal. Thank you. I would be honored if you’d allow me to share it on my blog.
Hi Kara,
Thank you so much for your kind words. Everything here is copywritten and cannot be reproduced without permission. What you can do is quote up to 20% of the article and link to the rest (this is known as “fair use”).
– Natasha Tracy
Nice article. The reminder to reach out for assistance or guidance with tasks, planning, or other challenging activities was very helpful. I struggle to remember that when I need it. It’s so important that we use every possible tool to resist the forces that can cause us to fold in upon ourselves. Keep up the great work.
I was diagnosed with mental illness 7 years ago the doc didn’t tell me of the diagnosis I was then re diagnosed he did not tell me again. They put me on really strong meds in an attempt to shut me up, I no longer take them the mental health team that was helping me for the whole time really didn’t do much for me they just monitored how the meds affected me ( modern day lobotomy type meds) I’m a single male with only my brother ( also not well and same situation) my care worker basically told me that this is the reason i dont qualify for the correct help and support after I stopped my meds contact with the mental health team became less and less. 2 and a bit months ago I text my care worker to ask him not to come out on that day as my mood was really low and just wanted to be alone he said that was fine and he would be off the following week ( he came out once a week to see me) since that text I haven’t heard from him or the mental health team no call no letter to explain what is going on now I have the dwp planning in calling me for a medical just before Christmas ( my wort part of the year and they know it) my mood has gotten so low I can’t eat anything and I’ve got no support Christmas has been cancelled for me again I don’t know where to turn or what I can do
Hi Did,
I’m very sorry that your mental health team is letting you down. I have been in that position. It’s horrible.
Maybe you need to be more assertive about booking your next appointment. Call your care worker and request an appointment immediately. I know it sucks, but sometimes we fall through the cracks — even with the best-meaning of people.
Of course, there are many other ways to reach out, too. This page lists a mental health services finder that you can use for more information: https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
There is also the US hotline number listed there which you can call anytime. You do not have to be suicidal to call. They will talk to you and likely have a much better idea of local resources than I ever would.
You could also contact local mental health charities like NAMI (just Google it plus your area) or others.
What I’m saying is that there are lots of ways to reach out. I know you might feel isolated now, but it doesn’t have to be that way.
– Natasha Tracy
years ago i used to race 10k etc, which meant immersing myself in that particular subculture, looking at life entirely through the lens of competitive running. of course i had all the magazines and newsletters which told us what to do, what to want, what everyone else was doing. one day a non-running friend was over, he starts laughing his head off about some article dealing with performance lowpoints, eg, cut road distance training, do repeat quarter miles on the track, advice like that — nothing particularly funny as far as i could tell.
he said, what about realizing you’re human? as if that were perfectly obvious. it took me a while to get the joke… that sometimes we get so wrapped up in our particular points of view that we forget our common humanity. everyone has lows, not just runners. everyone makes mistakes and beats him/herself up over them. it’s part of being human.
i think it’s possible to belong to more than one tribe. yes, the mentally ill are my kin and will always be my tribe, but when i’m standing on the sidelines of some prep school soccer game, i’m also part of the tribe of hopeful parents, i’ve got something in common with these normies, they with their careers and reputations and fancy german cars… i’m not like them, not really, but for the duration of the game i am one of them. so too with the mistake-making human race, i’m one, too, if only for a few hours at a time.
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This is a good article. I’m not only a perfectionist, but also a procrastinator. Possibly, the worst at initiating any change in my home. But if I were to put things away and put things where they belong, my apartment would be immaculate.