Today Bipolar Burble welcomes an anonymous guest writer, the best friend of a person with bipolar disorder.
My best friend with mental illness is one who doesn’t seek treatment. She is either constantly bored, always beginning new projects, or depression overtakes her, sealing her in a straightjacket of self-doubt and suicidal thoughts. Furthermore, she relies on me to be able to let her know when bipolar disorder is seriously affecting her. I take care not to dismiss her feelings, and sometimes there’s no avoiding a rush of directionless emotion, but it’s worked well enough. It’s been over ten years of this, and there’s been definite ups and downs. Eventually, she started to worry that she was being demanding. But there are things that I, as her best friend, want her to know about her and her mental illness.
What Best Friends of the Mentally Ill Think
Here’s the truth: she is demanding. A friendship with a person with bipolar disorder requires more effort than the average friendship. There are times when, had she been anyone else, I would have called her a burden. But she isn’t, and never could be, because she is my best friend. It’s not as if I’m being held captive. I signed on to help her with her struggles. Sometimes, I fail, but I’m committed to helping her overcome her illness and be happy.
But I realize that maybe part of the reason I have failed is that I didn’t ever explain what I was thinking. She never understood why I was so committed, and so she constantly felt like I was on the verge of leaving. It took me a long time to verbally say these things; I thought they were obvious. Apparently not. But surely, we’re not the only ones with communication problems. So, here’s what your best friend wants you to know, but hasn’t told you yet:
Best Friends of the Mentally Ill Know You’re Not the Illness
I know you have bipolar disorder. But that doesn’t define you. That’s why I don’t use “bipolar” as a descriptor for someone being moody, and I don’t say “bipolars are . . ” or “bipolars do . . .” You have bipolar disorder, but bipolar isn’t you.
You’re still my best friend, and the qualities that I like about you are probably totally unrelated to your mental illness. It’s the small things that really make me want to give up a Saturday for you. Sense of humor, similar interests, shared history – those things are important. Not that bipolar disorder doesn’t affect our interactions, but I know that you can’t always control it. You’re fighting it, and, even though you don’t feel like it, you win a lot of the time.
Best Friends of the Mentally Ill Know More
I have looked up everything I could about bipolar online. I have kept tabs on different treatments and drugs. I have read those books on bipolar you recommended, even if I never said anything. I have watched for the switch between manic and depressive episodes. I have kept an eye out for signs of self-harm.
When you started hanging out with a different crowd, I wasn’t surprised. I knew that when you slept over at my house and you started to sleep more than four hours a night, we were moving away from your manic phase. I knew that no matter what I said while you were depressed, it wouldn’t make the feelings go away, but it was important that I was there.
That’s not to say that you shouldn’t educate me. Please, do. As much research as I’ve done, it’s possible I missed something or didn’t understand. Or maybe there’s still some harmful Hollywood stereotype I’m still holding onto. It’s always better to hear it first-hand anyway. Everyone is different, and, though I can be mindful of general trends, it’s so much easier if you let me in. I’d rather you communicate or even take it out on me. Just don’t be one of the many that resort to self-harm, addiction, or suicide.
Best Friends of the Mentally Ill Want You to Know You’re Worth It
So maybe our friendship does take a little more work. So what? You’re a little more awesome than everyone else. That’s why I’m your friend. That’s why you’re stuck with me. This last one is simple, but it’s probably the hardest for you to understand. And I know that sometimes, there’s nothing I can do to get you to believe me. But I’ll be around, showing you that it’s true anyway.
Well first off, you can start by not calling me, “Best Friends of the Mentally Ill.” This is demeaning and makes me sound like you are classifying me as some type of animal. I am human. Quit the BS man. This is ridiculous.
“Of the mentally ill”
like seriously?
Get your shit together
It almost made a woman in her period cry, I also have BD and have been recently diagnosed, I am lucky it’s a mild form of BD, not that it makes the sufferment go away, anyway it has been beautifully written, my only complain would be that you use the term “mentally ill”, that term is already out dated and it’s harmful as it looks people who have a mental illness as their diagnoses, I know you later wrote that you know we are more that that, still that term is derogatory.
I am going through a rough time. not medicated and struggling. You’ve just made this big macho man cry. I feel i burden my friends so much and as blokes would struggle to say this. they have been there when i have to be rushed to hospital in a middle of a skype call.
waited on my every phone call as my mental hospital was 400 miles away. and they listened to every manic comment changing sentence and really not making much sense but to me. they have been there when i have wanted to die. and some times they done even know that call at that moment saved me from myself from bipolar.
If i can advise anyone with a friend with bipolar. Just be there no matter what time. the calls always available. tell them this umbre to umbre woman to woman tell them how much you care for them and will always be there and love you for you. because you feel such a burden in all Ur life. its hard to see it fair from our part, i write this as i cry like a baby and make me appreciate how my friends feel and what they do because they love me. some where around when i nearly had a million pounds in my band and they have been there because i went to prison because of psychosis. they have been there when i have had nothing they have been there when i have cried so hard because my bro had leukemia and i wondered if i could take my life would he live he survived and i did too. they are there for everyday i cant see my kids to make my laugh to make me feel. they make me think they do no lie. they sit on with me when i cry. i am not just one fighting bipolar. I DO NOT STAND ALONE. I have a Army. to all you friends that stand bye and help you i thank from the bottom of my heart. we with bipolar know we are hard to deal with its like doing E’s all day and looking after that annoying friend but without you we would be so much worse off. without you we may have nothing. we appreciate you all. take care. and thank you.
Thank you for sharing! I know a lot of “supports” like to jump right in with “get this treated!” rather than asking the other person how best you could help out. I assume you’ve had conversations about treatments at various times given the length and depth of your friendship. Do you have any advice for those who would like to raise the question, but are having difficulty approaching it in a way that’s not preachy or condescending?