Suicide Survivor’s Story Aims to Save Others

→ May 13, 2013 - 2 Comments

Today, the Bipolar Burble blog welcomes guest author Kevin Hines, a fellow mental health advocate. Kevin is one of only 33 people who have survived a jump from the Golden Gate Bridge. I met Kevin recently at a conference and I can tell you, his story is incredible and he uses it to help others.  

I always try to remember that life is but a state of mind and if that state of mind can be altered by an imbalance of chemicals, it becomes extremely hard to function. After all, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 17 years old. Since that day, I’ve come to learn that life literally is a state of mind, and how, without the love and support of friends and family, life would be a lot more difficult.

I am so thankful for the support of family and friends who have helped me whether the hard times at are inevitable when one has– like I do – a mental illness. With all the years that have passed since I attempted to end my life by suicide, I have learned that we all make mistakes in life, but now it is time to put the past where it belongs, in the rear view mirror. We cannot control the future, but we can help one another – and ourselves – today and every “today” that follows.

After My Bipolar Disorder Diagnosis at 17

After my bipolar diagnosis I struggled, suffered, and attempted to understand the metamorphosis I was going through. I hoped that it was just a phase, maybe I was going to “grow out of it.” I was going through the motions of trying to find the right medications for my particular kind of manic depression. Some days the medication would feel like it was working, but on others, it would not.

Driven to Suicide

This lasted until I was 19-years old when thoughts of suicide unfolded. I wrote a suicide letter and the next day, I prepared for another day of classes at City College in San Francisco. But that was a blatant lie, even to myself. This morning my plan was to go to the Golden Gate Bridge to end my life.

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Coping with Bipolar Disorder with Psychosis

→ May 5, 2013 - 4 Comments

The Bipolar Burble blog again welcomes National Council Reintegration Award-winning mental health advocate Andrea Paquette – also known as the Bipolar Babe. Andrea shares her struggles with bipolar psychosis – both as a bipolar manic psychotic break and as repetitive psychotic episodes. (Psst, you might want to start with this primer on psychosis in bipolar disorder.)

You were diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 25 after a psychotic episode. What was the psychotic episode like that led to diagnosis?

At the age of 25 I plunged into a deep psychosis where I saw, believed, and heard things that weren’t real. I was unaware that I was suffering from major manic highs and I eventually toppled into a psychosis that spelled disaster. I believed I was Eve from the Garden of Eden and removed all my clothes, eventually leading me to my neighbour’s doorstep looking for Adam. It felt as natural as waking in the morning and as real as I am alive right now. I also saw the Devil’s head dancing in front of my face and observed a globe of the earth deteriorating in front of my eyes. I experienced a number of bizarre incidents during this time, many that were breathtaking and others that were horrifying. My psychotic episode disabled my ability to make sound decisions and everything flowed into a serious break with reality.

Have you experienced psychosis since?

I have been medicated since my first psychotic break 11 years ago, and I have since experienced a type of mild psychosis in episodes. The episodes contain periods of extreme paranoia and anxiety inducing feelings of sheer terror that come over me, leaving me paralyzed and unable to function. The only way that I can describe my experience is that it feels as if I have smoked 10 marijuana joints.

When it happens I’m bound to my bed for hours as I attempt to calm down and recoup.  The “high” feeling is not fun, welcoming, or enjoyable, it actually is treacherous. I experience the world differently and the only way I can make sense of it is to conclude that it is psychosis. These episodes are constant and relentless, but have recently begun to ease.

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