The Difference Between Being Suicidal and Wanting to Die

I believe that being suicidal is not the same thing as simply wanting to die. Of course, if you’re suicidal, you do want to die (or, more specifically, to end your pain through death) but, if you simply want to die, you may not be actively suicidal. Please understand that wanting to die and being suicidal are both serious and dangerous, but I would suggest they are not the same.

Wanting to Die

I admit it — I’ve spent so much of my life wanting to die. I know people hate to hear this, but even today, I experience the desire to die at times. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with my life or my experiences, it’s just that there’s something wrong with my brain. And in my brain, the thought that repeats is, “I want to die.” It’s on an endless loop sometimes. It’s torturous. I can’t stand it. There seems to be nothing that will adequately quiet the thought.

I can sit in this wanting-to-die state for days, weeks or months. The state seems immovable.

Being Suicidal

In saying that, I haven’t been suicidal that entire time. In my opinion, being suicidal moves you from the realm of wanting to die to the place where you are actively start taking steps to die by suicide. This might be picturing your death, writing a suicide note or making a plan. I tend to picture my death over and over and over. Again, my brain seems to produce this thought endlessly.

It seems that nothing will move my brain from this place until the medication kicks in.

(I’ve also written a suicide self-assessment scale – but please understand that it is produced by me and in no way scientific.)

The Difference Between Being Suicidal and Wanting to Die

Wanting to die and being suicidal are both awful and possibly dangerous but being suicidal and wanting to die are not the same thing.In my experience, wanting to die is passive and being suicidal is active. Thus, being suicidal is considerably more dangerous. I’m not saying that a passive desire to die can’t hurt you – certainly it can – but I would suggest that being actively suicidal is more of an emergency situation.

Why does the difference between suicidality and wanting to die matter? Well, I think it impacts how you communicate your feelings. For example, when I simply want to die, I don’t feel that I’m in imminent danger but I know that feeling and thought pattern could be a stepping stone to full-blown suicidality so I need to deal with it and absolutely not ignore it.

If, on the other hand, I’m actively suicidal, that’s the time when a suicide safety plans needs to be put into place and even a trip to the hospital may need to be arranged.

While I absolutely think that both states need to be recognized and dealt with, I still think it’s important to recognize the difference between a serious problem and an emergency situation.

Regardless, if you are feeling either one of these things, you need to know that treatment helps – in fact, treatment is the only thing that does (if you ask me). That might be talking to your therapist or doctor, but definitely talk to a professional. Hopefully you can successfully communicate your specific state and your professional can assess your active risk for harm and get you the help that you need.

If you feel you may hurt yourself or someone else, please call 9-1-1 now if it comes down to your life or a three digit number, your life wins every time. That is what emergency personnel are there for. You can also see my page on suicide and mental illness help which includes information on hotlines.


About Natasha Tracy

Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 18 years and has written more than 1000 articles on the subject.

Natasha’s Book

Find more of Natasha’s work in her book: Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar. Media inquiries can be emailed here.

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  1. I don’t know how things are for me. everything is just perfect and in order. around me there is plenty of happiness and smiling faces of different people but am the only one who is sad within permanently. I love my mom a lot and only because of her an holding myself back but sometimes I feel like nothing can hold me back. I feel lonely and hate myself everything seems to be the same and life is in repetition that I feel tired of living. am in a lot of pain that I want to get rid of it through death. I can’t explain how I feel within but I just feel sorry for my mom, I just want someone to hold me back. I too want to live and enjoy life but I can’t. I hate everything around me. plz if you have anything/advice to help me with. I want to live but I have already written my suicide note and everyday when I make the plan it is my mom that comes to me mind whom I want to do a lot of things for.

  2. Quick question, if you aren’t actively looking for a way to kill yourself, but you are cutting, sometimes wishing that it would kill you, and writing suicide notes, but never doing anything about it, is that suicidal or just “I want to die”?

  3. Putting these feelings into two different camps is dangerous. The amount of times I’ve been ignored by the mental health service because they want to believe I’m not “actually suicidal” has lead to a lot of physical and emotional damage on my part. At the moment I’ve been completely abandoned by the system cause they simply do not care if I live or die.

  4. Well, as a rapid cycling bipolar suffering from constant thoughts of suicide, who just broke up with my gf..

    I don’t wanna live or die, really..

    Meaning I’m not actively planning on suicide, but I wouldn’t step out of the road from a moving car either.. If someone were coming at me with a knife, I’d probably let them as well..

    I know it sounds insane, but that’s how it is

  5. sorry if this is out of place-but having read the fellow soul seekers here-what does the thoughts expressed have to do with the “let’s call it bi-polar” analysis-sounds like alot of us should call ourselves sanePerhaps we can build a Marigold Hotel here in America, or read Richard Bach together-.””Perspective – Use it or Lose it. If you turned to this page, you’re forgetting that what is going on around you is not reality. Think about that. Remember where you came from, where you’re going, and why you created the mess you got yourself into in the first place. You’re going to die a horrible death, remember. It’s all good training, and you’ll enjoy it more if you keep the facts in mind. Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on your way to your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life forms, and they’ll call you crazy.”” we are not wrong to feel what we feel-

  6. I understand what the author is saying. I didn’t have time to read the comments, I apologize. But I’d still like to leave a comment of my own to describe this is my way too. Because while I understand where the author is coming from there are other ways these feelings come about too, that I think should also be acknowledged.

    I have severe chronic pain and multiple diseases/ ailments, medical issues, etc.. Some of the pain I suffer from is constant and stays in their places. Other pains I have/ get come on randomly it under certain circumstances, they can be unpredictable, and they can move around. Those pains can be brief or can linger for minutes to hours to days to weeks or more depending on what the problems are.

    When “I feel like I want to die” I’m not in a suicidal state at all. I wouldn’t actively do anything to die. I just feel like the pain is so intense and so miserable and so misunderstood and so under- treated and so exhausting that I’d rather be dead in those moments in time, rather than go through it again and again and again- all my life, no cure, under- medicated (FU to the CDC, FDA, DEA, TRUMP, Medicare Guidelines, War On Drugs advocates &supporters, etc for THAT TORTURE)!

    When I’m in heavy pain, but not under heavy attack of the more excruciating spontaneous pains. I’m trying to fake it to make it and make the best of what I’ve got left and I’m not thinking of suicide or wanting to die anymore.

    I would never consider myself suicidal. Even when I feel like I want to die, that is a feeling of a means to an end. It’s not a realistic thought out, plotted out, long- existing desire or anything. I have children and a husband that love and support me and I would never selfishly take my life and leave them with the pain and anguish of my purposeful death. They don’t deserve that and I suffer through it all to be here with them. I want to grow old with my husband and see my children grow up and have grandkids and all that stuff! I would just prefer to be able to do this with my pain under control! The government and the war on drugs is making my life a living hell and things are getting so extremely bad now that I fear that there may come a point, very soon, that that switch in my brain could flip and ask the sudden the pain is so bad that none of that matters anymore. I can’t imagine I’d ever feel that way, but as n’t leadin gets worse and worse asks my doctor cuts my medication back every single month trying to protect their license from the government and follow medicare’s new suggested guidelines for prescribing to make sure insurance will pay too, etc It’s making my life a living hell! Worse than hell!

    I have an acquaintance that’s a pain management doctor in another state and he is doing the same things to his patients and for the same reasons n’t doctors are doing it to me. Not once had my doctor said their reducing my decisions for my benefit. To the contrary, my doctor makes clear month they’re cutting me back more and it’s ALWAYS too keep up with the recommendations because they’re not going to lose their license over actually managing my pain, even though the signs on their office say “Pain Management”. That’s not right. At all. It’s blatantly clear this is not about treating me and my needs! And that doctor friend of mine in the other state, well he’s lost 5 of his pain patients to suicide and many more have stopped showing up and he didn’t know if they’re dead too or if they’re seeking relief from the streets or what happened to them! This is what I’m afraid I’m being forced to head into too. And I’m so scared! This isn’t patient care, it’s not medicine medicine. It’s patient neglect, malpractice, and it’s appeasing the people that have control over their livelihood. I can’t blame them. They can’t lose their licenses, that doesn’t do anyone any good either.

    So what’s the solution? Will this ever stop? The government had made HUGE mistakes here. Junkies lives aren’t being saved, and actually innocent people with severe chronic pain are being picked off by the system forces into deadly and dangerous alternatives. Even if I seek no alternatives, the pain is so severe il probably have heart attack or stroke and due- or become more dependent on others.

    Last month I needed help showering and stuff, but I could still wipe my bottom after I pee or #2. This month, with the most recent reduction in my pain medicine, I can no longer wipe myself. So now what? My family can’t afford to stay home with me. I can’t shower alone. I’m going to need in- home care that we totally can’t afford, have to wear diapers which I’m dead set against (I’m still in my 30s!), or risk infections maybe? I don’t think I could stand any of that! None of those options sound good to me. So what’s a person like me to do? And my pain doc already informed me last month that since I’m at such a high Daily Morphine Equivalent that she is going to keep taking a pill away from every 28 days until I’m either down to the 90mg DME recommended by Medicare or until/ unless I’m able to find some kind exemption or something. I’m already taking half of what I was when I got referred to them about 6 years ago. None of that matters. That’s not right either. I’ve made major sacrifices in what I’m able to do on a daily basis and at this point I’ve been returned to being bedridden and incapable of self- care. That should be a red- flag that the guidelines can’t be applied to everyone. Morphine is not a one- size- fits all.

    I definitely understand “wanting to die”, I understand it being a fleeting feeling. I’m not suicidal. But I am scared that if anyone’s capable of being pushed there, that I’m being used like a lab rat in their experiment to find out. I feel like they’re going to kill me one way or the other. I don’t foresee living through this even if I’m mentally and emotionally stable enough to withstand it, I really don’t think my body is. The stress of the pain and the agony of it all is going to do me in!

    Thoughts on what I’ve said?

    • I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I am going through the same crap you are. I had never in my life, wished that I would die. Until the side effects from chemo for ovarian cancer. Lymphedema and neuropathy
      I have a husband and grown children and they don’t understand. Just try to work through it…get up and start slow and you’ll feel better. But I don’t feel better. On bad days my one leg is two times the size of the other with a constant pain that is unbearable. I’ve talked to my doctor (regular family and pain clinic physician) to just give me some pain medicine to get me through the extremely bad times. I told them to look at my chart, I don’t abuse the doses I get. The more I point out how I am responsible with my drug intake, the more I sound like a begging addict. I get so tired. Physically and emotionally tired of feeling I’m worthless. Not a contributing factor in my family. I don’t know what the answer is. I would never kill myself. It just seems so unfair that we can’t have what makes us more able to participate in life. My feeling is even if these drugs end my life early, at least I had a life where at the end, I can smile and say it was worth it. Your not alone. I know that doesn’t make you feel better. It’s just an obvious statement. I truly am sorry you have to live that way.

  7. I guess I’m basically going to reiterate what others have said, but I’m definitely this ‘want to die’ person. I lost my husband INSTANTLY to a heart attack 8.5 years ago. I’ve never been the same. I’ve been in and out of therapy dealing with his loss and my depression so it’s not like I avoided help.

    But something “switched” in my brain in June of this year. I think I’ve scienced myself out of living. I don’t see the point in being here on earth, in this country / state / city. I don’t see the point of my existence – I haven’t contributed anything to further the human race. I matured much later in life and found my passion when it was no longer possibly to get the education needed to pursue those passions. So, a life is wasted. I did so many things wrong and procrastinated so often that now I’m just taking up space. My health has taken a horrible hit since June, too. I now have fibromyalgia and have all these neurological symptoms that haven’t been addressed yet. I’m hoping to have insurance by Jan 1st so I can see a Neurologist (PCP referred). But this is just a horrible way to live. Physical pain, unstable cognitive abilities, etc.

    Here’s the really crappy part: I have two grown daughters and two grandsons. I love them all and they all love me. If they’re not around, which is often, then my thoughts go instantly to death. I have a job that I should love and don’t, I have the schedule I should love and don’t. I’ve tried dating – that’s a joke when you’re middle aged.

    I just wish I could find a way to peacefully die without committing suicide. I don’t think I could ever choose suicide because of my daughters and grandkids. While they would be traumatized by my death, I think suicide would just make it worse. That’s a different kind of pain that would permanently scar them.

    I have no insurance at this time to seek help, so people like me (those without financial means) disappear in the system. I don’t know if I can hold on until January, but I guess I’ll try …. I just don’t know.

    I’m not on here seeking answers. I guess I’m somewhat comforted knowing I’m not the only one living in this hell. Isn’t that a horrible thing to say …. I’m comforted knowing that so many others suffer as I do. How selfish. :(

    • I just want you to know I understand. You’re not alone. Selfish though it may seem, it’s human nature and we all feel that way. If someone says they don’t, they’re lying. Everyone wants to be understood. Misery loves company. It doesn’t mean we wish this ill on others. I certainly don’t. But I do know that others out there are suffering too, and it is helpful to connect with those who understand. That’s what support groups are all about. That’s what they’re for. You can find support groups without insurance. They’re free. If they’re not, something’s wrong, find another. You don’t even have to leave your house if you don’t want to or you’re not able to. You can find support groups online too! We suffer for those we love. You may feel useless, or like a waste of space, but you’re family doesn’t see you that way. That’s important. You mean something to them. You have a lot to offer them, even if you can’t see all that you do for them, even if just by being there and alive! Think of them when you get to feeling down. Think of your worst heartache that you wouldn’t wish on an enemy, and then do everything you can to prevent those that love you from feeling that anguish and heartache for as long as your body will let you naturally live! As an adult orphan with many children of my own, I can tell you it’s so lonely and miserable oftentimes because I have no living parents or grandparents and my children get depressed they don’t have grandparents either. They’re friend’s grandparents spoil them or spend weekends with them or whatever, and my kids never had that. They’re lonesome for family and elders and they’re jealous of their friends both my orderhas and grandparents and my husband’s parents and grandparents have all passed away naturally or due to cancer, etc. None of them were suicides, but it still hurts everyday. Suicides would have been worse, especially to blind-sided by suicide. I hope you’ll consider what I’ve said when you’re in your darkest hours.

  8. True. I am happy with my life but I am tired existing. I dream about dying in an accidental way so I won’t have to leave my love ones questioning themselves about if they did something wrong. They are innocent. I am just fucked up.

    I think one of the reason that I feel this way is because I am already contented with what I have and I am scared that it might be ruined in the future. And don’t want to be here to see that.

  9. in life, we face our biggest fear. in this situation, we have the fear of living. because life to us feels empty. because it feels pointless. we stopped caring if we live or die. we’re all just getting by. every day we wake up with the same old feeling of… nothingness. we wake up numb. hopeless. unmotivated. we don’t fear death or losing, rather living itself. it feels as if we have exhausted all our power, all our breaths and heartbeats, all of our energies, that we no longer care to carry on. we all got families who love us, friends who care, significant other, children.. other responsibilities.. we love them but we are also so drained by what we have living inside of us. this disease. we’ve been great fighters, survivors. we put up a great fight! but that is why we are exhausted. this black hole empty void is stuck inside of us. we’ve been fighting for too long. why do we continue to feel this way? why is it that our brains are wired differently than others? what makes us more susceptible to depression than others?

    half of the population may never get it, especially if they were never put in this situation before.

    a girl passes, and everyone wonders why and what happened… what made her do what she did? the public griefs.

    a girl admits she is not okay. publicly announces what she is going through and cries for help. she is lost and don’t know how to ask for help.. who to ask for help. the society’s response? “the girl needs attention. she is pathetic and only looking for attention. she is desperate.”

  10. I am 55 woman Virginia
    Although reading this I maybe between 4-6 maybe
    It is still HELL ON EARTH
    feel suicidal so much

  11. I feel like I just want to die I feel like I’ve had a brilliant life so far but just don’t wish to go on
    Never wanted to get old and always hope to. Go by about age 55 but can’t face taking my life to much of a coward also don’t want the stigma that goes with it I’ve been a world champion kick boxer Andy toured the world with a famous reggae band from U.K. seen most of the world had wicked life but really ready to go wish it was as simple as like when you get rid of a car because you fancy a new one , don’t think it’s mid life crisis as I’ve felt this way for years tried talking to wife and family been doctors on happy pills but it feel like I’m dragging it on for everyone else and me kids but every night I wish I could shut my eyes for the last time. Wish there was a place you could go and the law would except it , I’m just ready to go and think about it all the time but really don’t want to take my life and everyone wishing I had seeked help

  12. I go to bed most nights wishing i wouldnt wake up the next day. Im taking medications that i think help, but i still have lack of interests and motivation and then times when i feel fine there is something that triggers it and i feel as low as can be. Im tired of everything, i hate getting up and going to work. I hate that the majority of life is doing things you dont want to do. I feel stuck and not in control and that there is never time for the things i want to do…. i could never harm myself, but i wish i just didnt wake up.

  13. My desire to be dead is rooted in a life of people leaving. Whether it be my son’s mom or him in the past year. I’m in my mid 40’s and have older parents are basically in their final years. After they are gone I’m alone for the rest of my life. My sister has her own family and will eventually have grandkids and I’m not really needed. Death would put me at peace at no longer deal with things that bother me on a day to day basis. Thiugh my kid hates me I have no interest in suicide. I have a good life insurance policy thst woild help him in life. Being dead would spare me from growing old and experiencing awful health problems that I see my dad living with today. I’ve seen all there is to see in life. It’s been a fun ride, but I’m ready to get off. As far being missed that’s debateable and I’m good if i wants. I’m just reasdy and nothing can change my mind

  14. Hi I’m Sandy.
    I really want to die. There is no place for me in this world. I feel like I am vapour and I really don’t matyer to anyone. The lives of the people that supposedly love me – my family – would be calmer and less complicated if I was just gone. They would grieve for a moment and then they would be fine. There is no attachment or love here just controllers and selfishness.
    I cannot handle this pain anymore and I am tired of crying and begging to be heard …

    • Hi Sandy,

      Thank you for leaving a comment.

      What you’re feeling is common in people who have depression. I can’t say whether you have depression or not, but I can say what you are saying suggests that. Depression is an illness that can be treated and you can feel better.

      Also, please know that no one’s grief lasts a “moment”. Grief, especially when you lose someone to suicide, is a powerful and longstanding thing.

      I can understand feeling like no one’s listening. I have spent years of my life feeling that way. But it’s not that people aren’t listening it’s that you’re not reaching out to the right people. You matter and people _do_ want to listen to you.

      Here is information on what to do when you feel suicidal (including the hotline number):

      I know it can be scary to reach out to a professional, but they can help you. You can’t feel better without help so reach out and get that help.

      – Natasha Tracy

  15. Thanks, Natasha – it is good to find people who really understand that wishing to be dead is not the same as being actively suicidal. I’ve wanted not to exist for over twenty years, and it seems to be getting worse. There is no particular reason or cause. My life is not hard. I’ve written a story for myself where I am a disappointment and get no joy from life, and am now entirely stuck in it. I don’t feel I really deserve to suffer – in my happiest fantasies I just fade away in the sun along with all memory that I lived. I have children and I love them, I know logically they would be worse off without me so I have to live, but I can’t help what I feel – I just hide my true feelings and just hope they don’t ever feel the same way. I appreciate religion helps many people – I tried but find it impossible to believe. I feel too tired to try to change, plus I don’t know how, and at some level I don’t even want to.

    It would really help to have a strategy on how to get rid of a long-term passive wish to die. It does not go away on its own. People don’t understand or take it seriously. It is truly debilitating. If you have any tips or solutions on how to rewrite your brain, it would be great to see them on the site.

  16. I can’t get my life together I am alone and I’m in a no win situation so many expectations of me I can’t win I just want to die. I’ve caused it all on myself and there seems to be no recovering. I’m ready to die but I can’t do it myself. I can’t get out of this town. I’m so depressed I can’t help the ones that need me. I am lost , I’m just here and life is going ion around me. Why am I asking for help?

    • I’m alone too. There’s this guy tho who seems to be in love with me and wants to be with me and I wish I felt the same but I just don’t. He has so much to offer and I feel almost guilty not feeling the same. And then I keep complaining I’m lonely. Sometimes I feel like I’ve just kinda given up on life. I’ve spent the last year of my life doing pretty much nothing. I’m planning to go travelling other side of the world. See if life has some miracles to offer and I get my joy for life back. What’s really stopping you from leaving your town?

  17. I understand your pain, I’ve had a broken heart but no man or woman is worth suicide! When in a relationship you have to hold onto a little bit of yourself so if it should end your not left feeling empty inside. You’ll feel an absence but not empty. So many people completely lose their identity in relationships. Having said that…Even though you feel alone someone will be devastated by the loss, if you make the decision to end this life. Peace, love and blessings.

  18. I love my partner so much and he is good too but he never trusts me. Somewhere the mistakes are mine also, but not all the time. I can’t live without him. I leave my family, believing that he is with me. But now he wants to move on. At this present time I’m jobless, homeless, friendless. I have nothing to do with this life. I don’t want to be hurt much more. After few days he will marry another girl…..Before that i want to close my eyes. I’m unable to watch him with other girl.

  19. this is really sad reading all of these stories. i believe in God. but if there is not one. suicide does not seem that bad as long as its not painful for you. also if you have a kid that is not cool but screw it. idk i wish everyone could be happy. but that absolutely is impossible. im not going to wish us all the best of luck. just endurance.

  20. My story is different. I love my life , my family ,friends and most importantly my wife and kids. For reasons I wont get Into, I started to feel inadequate. Like I wasn’t enough or not doing enough for my wife and kids. I already was o physical pain that to this day is unrelenting . So I felt I was not making my wife happy physically and emotionally, so I looked into porn to get ideas to spice things up for her. I could never bring myself to actually watch much of anything for 5 years. Well , she found out and has changed because of me. I hurt her so bad unintentionally and its killing me..I no longer have the will to live and have toyed with how to kill myself…I love my family but feel I am a detriment to their health and can provide more in death than I can in life..I’m extremely close to ending it…i dont want to hurt them in anyway but this i feel is the best for everyone

    • Bill, it’s not best for your wife or children that you kill yourself. My husband and I have been together for 29 years with 4 children. He’s done far worse than look at porn and I love and forgive him. Neither of us are perfect, I’ve also had my short comings. But I could never forgive him if he were to kill himself. We’re stronger together then apart. Finding porn is forgivable, killing yourself is not. I hope you find it somewhere in your heart and mind to forgive yourself.

      • She’s not going to forgive me….I should of just told her how I felt…I took the wrong Avenue to try to make things better.

          • Bill I get it. I’m not suicidal but I’m tired and ready for this life to be over. I’ve lived a very hard life. The story that’s been my life experiences are so unbelievable, even to myself it’s unreal and I can hardly wrap my head around the things I’ve lived through but it’s true nevertheless and I’ve often found truth to be stranger than fiction. We all have a story and it’s not all pleasant all of the time. Yes some seem to be more harsh than others but…
            Everyone makes mistakes. No. One. Is. Perfect. Maybe you should have just told her but hind sight is always 20/20 and living in the past, serves or helps no one. Communicating to her now or soon about how sorry, broken and hopeless you feel is vital! This world is already filled with myriad amounts of trauma and sadness. Your wife and children need you (even if you don’t see or realize it) and ending it all, indefinitely, is the most hurtful thing to do to your loved ones. I see it as the ultimate betrayal. I’m not your wife but I am a wife, a woman and a mother. I’m just sharing my perspective from those points of view. I hope you change your mind. My heart aches for all of you.
            Love, light and blessings.

  21. In a way, I struggle with the same thing. I don’t necessarily want to die, but I wish I never existed. I even hold a little resentment towards my parents (or God if you believe in that sort of thing). I can’t fathom how someone would 1) Gamble with my life, 2) take part in a system where I will eventually die, 3) take part in a system where I will eventually have to watch others around me die.

    Sure, I know that other things like love and selfishness play a part in these decisions, but it seems rather reckless. And, I know that at the end of the day, if people stopped having kids, humankind would cease to exist. But, at the end of the day, it is no more different than pre-meditated murder to give a life knowing that one day that life will cease to exist.

    I do know some religions believe in afterlives or reincarnation, so that’s partially a justification. But, from the child’s perspective, it is still orchestrated murder in a way.

    I live a very happy, healthy, and successful life. But, the responsibilities that I have are not my own. Yes, they are the result of me defining my purpose in life, but I feel — quite regularly — that I would have preferred not existing…not having to make decisions…not having to endure the monotony of life. I find it easy, boring, pointless. But, I am not 100% jaded by it. I’m just hoping that when the end comes that it isn’t the beginning of something else that I want no part of. I may not have had a choice in this life to exist, but if there is an afterlife, I hereby declare that I want no part of it nor any lives afterward.

  22. Every night I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up in the morning. I’ve felt this way for years and every night those hopes get stronger and stronger. My friends and family know I have a history of depression and anxiety but they have no idea what it means or how bad it’s getting. Even my doctors don’t know because I’ve gotten god at covering it just enough that they seem to buy my lies. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m tired. I’ve failed at everything I’ve ever tried…career, school, relationships…everything. I’m intelligent and educated but am living paycheck to paycheck because I can’t get a decent job. I’ve never been in love and I never will be because no woman would ever want to be with a loser like me. I think things are getting to the breaking point…two nights ago I woke up up at 2:00am and cried uncontrollably for over an hour, begging a God or the universe or whatever to take me. To end this pain. Over and over I said “please let me go” because that’s all I really want. I’m not afraid to die. It can’t be any worse than living. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I don’t wake up. I hope so, anyway.

      • Thank you for this. I appreciate you taking the time to share it with me and I hope you’re doing well with your struggle.

    • I hate this life too. So much. I wish I could cease existing. The thing is, there one person on this planet; the most important person in the world for me, my mom. I can’t cease to exist because I cannot do that to her. I can’t hurt her like that. But i am pretty sure that if I would’nt have her, I would kill myself. I am actually very sure. So i’m pushing myself to stay alive, go through life’s motions. But I hate it. I hate all of it.

      • The only thing keeping me here are my two nieces. They may be the only people in the world who actually love me and I have to hold it together until they’re at least out of high school. Three more years. I have no plans to hurt myself but the pain just keeps getting worse and I don’t see a way out. I’m not religious but I do pray that I won’t wake up.

  23. I see little point – everything is pointless – we are all going to die and nothing we do will mean anything. I die tomorrow my kids will remember me but they’ll die and then that’s it for me. I don’t understand how everyone cannot see how fucking stupid life is – we are on a ball of rock rotating around a massive ball of flames – it’s mental!

    I’m from the UK so I’ll struggle with the God bollocks :)

  24. I may have not have went to school but it does not take a genius to understand that suicidality and “just wanting to die” are both equally self destructive. And i speak from personal experience. I have lived a very terrible life. From start to current predicament. I started as a 6 or 7 year old trying to suffocate myself or drinking all the medications in my house. I had suicidal tendencies all the way until my late teens early 20’s I’m now 31 And I’ve wanted to die almost every day for the past 9 or 10 years. I have always disliked the way the world works. The good people are the food that fuel the corrupt and truly terrible plague of what is considered humanity now and days. Ive come to terms with life. That it doesn’t deserve what I have to contribute. Everything innocent I’ve ever met or had the pleasure of being involved in has either been corrupted or emotionally demolished by how amazing the world is today. Sometimes life just overstayed it’s welcome. Or I overstayed my welcome in life. After so many botched suicide attempts one eventually comes to terms even with that.. I’ve walked down alleys with my wallet hanging out. I stopped working. Gave up on in any chance of happiness. Started smoking ridiculous amounts of weed and cigarettes. I havnt practiced personal hygiene or put clean clothes on for at least a month. I stopped eating healthy. Going the way i am I feel like I’m on the fast track to where I belong. I’m not a quitter. I just want it to end like 80 years faster then it probably will.

  25. You may WANT to die in some fantasy. You have people you can talk to and a resource if you FEEL you may want to die.
    Awesome. That is a huge difference when I am some one who wants to die and feels I want to due and have no resources or anyone to talk to…just guilt in not wanting to be a suicide …but also feeling maybe no one will notice.

  26. I want to die too, I drown out my thoughts (because it gets annoying to hear it over and over again) by listening to guns n roses
    I know I still want to die, but instead of thinking it an accidentally saying it in public, I just sing along to the music. I also listen to eminem and Rihanna’s monster, and nightcore music (nightcore is a type of dubstep it makes me feel less insane.).

  27. I am grateful to stumble upon this blog post and comments. I want to die EVERY SINGLE DAY at some point. It’s usually work that throws me into these feelings. I hate my job, career path, but I also can’t figure out what I’d rather do. And options are limited unless I can talk myself into going back to school for a different degree. I can’t seem to figure out what the point of life is for me. I feel lost, alone, empty. I have panic attacks. I’ve been on meds for forever, been hospitalized, gone to therapy….. I guess it’s time to seek help again because these meds aren’t enough anymore. And I think I’m getting closer to hurting myself for real this time.

    • I hope one day you’ll meet god in this world, and feel all the love he has for you. A love so strong that it pushed him to sending his son on this earth to live the perfect life and die the way we all deserve to die so that we don’t have to anymore and can access an eternity with him. But I’m sure you’ve heard this before, I just hope one day you’ll ask him to show himself to you so that you can see by yourself how peaceful his presence is. I promise you if you ask with a sincere heart he will show himself to you. Besides what can you lose from it? you might think I’m silly but please think about it before its to late. What if he could bring you eternal joy and salvation? What if he was the only purpose of this life? Wouldn’t you at least try to know him if I told you he was the only reason to live? I hope you’ll think about it before you do anything man :/ Please watch “the Shack” if you have the time also, its a weird yet well pictured movie. I’m hoping you’ll read this.

      • I’m not suicidal but do wish for death. I’ve not lived an easy life by any means! I’m not going to disclose the unbelievable story that’s been my life. I live a life of servitude and suffrage. The primary caregiver for every life that’s close to me. Everyone depends on me to hold everything together and I’m tired. Two of my adult children suffer from mental illness, one schizophrenic who is suicidal and one with social anxiety disorder that would rather die trying to live by self medicating. Neither has the capacity to function normally. I’ve sought help from doctors, psychiatry, counselors and local mental health clinicians. No one in the medical field wants to give help to either one of them in the way they need due to the epidemic of addiction in this country! I understand it but at what point does quality of life vs addiction to be taken into consideration? Apparently, NEVER! Why because we’re “poor” though I’ve never asked the government for anything. I work hard not only at holding it all together for everyone around me but I also work hard so my family is not a financial burden to society or the system. This is just a teeny tiny sample of my life. I used to believe in a loving God that cares about his creations. I’ve been on my knees so many times begging our “Lord and Savior” with the most sincerest opened heart, out of sheer unadulterated love for those who I care for and for all of my fellow humans suffering, to make himself known. Grace our lives with his presence and love. Prayers upon prayers… To only feel as though it falls on deaf ears. I do believe that something greater than ourselves exists but not this biblical mythical God that actually eases one ounce of suffrage. The terrible things that happen on this planet isn’t some devil that comes to tempt us, it is us! We’re the evil. We’re the corrupt, we’re the disease upon this planet. I didn’t give up on God he gave up on me. Yes I’m faithless but it didn’t start that way. As I’ve already stated, I’m tired. I am NOT suicidal but have been ready for a long time for this life to end.

  28. You would never make a return trip to my local hospital. One of the last times I was in crisis, I went to my local hospital where they first forced me to wear paper clothing, then because I wanted to sit in the chair rather than lie in bed, they called in the brain dead muscle and strapped me down while shooting a huge dose of lorazepam in one arm and another large dose of zyprexa in the other. The worst thing was, as you put it, I wanted to die, but was not sucidal. Needless to say, I was unconscious for the next several hours before finally waking and then they send in the counselor. Another time the doctor gave me a dose of ketamine. I had no idea what the hell that was at the time, but he said they were having good results with this method of treatment. (I’m bi-polar, schizo-affective-disorder, PTSD as well as some physical problems such as a paralyzed right hemi-diaphragm, neck and back trouble as well as a shattered heel bone complete with custom screws to hold it together). Anyway, I did not expect to hallucinate so severely, I lost all connections with reality, and it was anything but fun. In fact it scared the living shit out of me. He never even hinted that this would happen. I figured I’d get the IV injection and maybe begin to feel a little better. No meet Jimi Hendrix flying on the purple haze. What an ass. I think that kind of thing should be criminal. So yeah. I just try and get though these times as best I can all on my own.

  29. I understand and agree to Natasha’s view. I too just want to be dead. Some would look at my life at the surface level and be envious. But in my life I find myself being under attack from all directions. Granted there are some who are not looking to specifically attack me; but through their lack of ability to see the bigger picture, I feel under attack. Working in a support role, I have often referred to myself as an astronaut, as I travel to the center of many a universe in a given day. Why, because everyone is the center of their own universe. Fifty five years ago, I was dragged into this world kicking and screaming. 55 year later, it hasn’t gotten any better, if anything, just worse. I am ready to leave and have been so for most of my life.

  30. My opinion on the facts of professionals is hoey. I have been there and ended up in a place where I was treated poorly and I came home more depressed than I was when I went there. I have worked in psych as a nurse for most of my working years and I have not been a very good understanding of what happens. As a patient I was not impressed at all I was on the other side. I have so much more empathy for the mentally ill. I still want to die. When you always seem to run in to disapoitment I have lost faith in people. I can’t trust anyone anymore. I have seen the selfishness of people and frankly I have no appreciation for people anymore. I have given until I can’t anymore and I get slapped in the face . TOO TIRED

  31. Hi i have a decent job. A nice lifestyle and three kids that love me so much. Yet i still feel like this world could atually be hell. Nothings ever really what it seems. Theres always a catch or a twist. Ive tried to kill myself 3 times in the past. I have been on meds for years. I still think about dying regular. I wont try again tho as it wont work. I think we are here in this world to be manipulated and put through hell

  32. Really would like to live but no reason. Don’t worry cause right now I have no choice but to live for a while. Just wish I could find something that makes it a little easier.

  33. For me i feel i gave what i could to the world butnow feel im exhausted people think im strange because itreat everyone equally .it seems there was a purpose in life we have lost the art oftruly caring. So is it wrong of me to just lay down and first time in my life chill. I get the concept now i have no qualms with death.

  34. So I know im scared of death, but I also know its going to happen. I often feel suicidal but I know I would never do it, I love my family but Ive known for a long time its going to happen eventually. Ive seen myself rich as hell, kids , love…but I dont care. I often wonder what im going to do with my life, and it always ends in the same place. I will have a good life and be career oriented with something, but at the end of the day Ill always have this feeling. Im ok with it thoe, the mental health spectrum is changing. If your fisically in pain and emotionally in pain whats the difference…so y should your death be any different. If I get to choose my path, Ive chose it already, most opinions have no merit. Suicide and death are the same, you choose which one you want, but ultimately its the same. whichever way you spin it

    • amanda,

      I like that….I never thought of it like that….that means death can’t be wrong no matter how you get there…….It;s all the same in the end……….dead is dead….[moderated]


      • Hi Wolf,

        I don’t think that’s true. When you’re in pain, when you’re hurting — and I have no doubt that you are right now — there are ways to feel better outside of death. There are people who can help you. I know that might not feel true, but it is.

        Please, please reach out to those who can help: 1-800-273-8255

        – Natasha Tracy

        • Thanks…
          Been there done that….not for me….I’m okay…no one is at fault here……we are just talking and letting our feeling out……with no judgement.

  35. How can I make it stop? I just want to die. I mean it’s not like I am depressed or may be I am. I have never understood how exactly being depressed feels. But I just don’t want to live anymore. This life seems so long and boring. I have had problems in past I had to leave my studies work and everything for some reason. But now things are fine I can start over but just my will is lost somewhere. Everyday I wake up to feel energetic trying hard to feel lovely but at the end all these seem useless and I want to die. I have become so comfortable with my depression(or whatever idk exactly) that I don’t want to come out of it. I mean I am not running away from something I just want everything to stop I can’t commit suicide it’s wrong. But I want to die. What should I do?

    • I am in th3 exact situation right now. I leave my job because I had no reason to stay. But right now I cant commit my self to apply to any job because everytime I have my final interview I will feel anxious and back out. Its been 6 months since my last job. I just want to die. I felt like Im meant to die young.

    • Depressed…..

      I hear you….I have done that for over a year….but I am still here and my baby girl is gone, my younger brother is gone…….but I am still here……I wish I did not believe so strong in God…..otherwise…I would be with them now…………but I still can…..if God forgives me………


    • I lived like that for many years. I understand what you are going through. I also know what I am going say might mean little to you. It did get better. Today I don’t think about dying (as much) I still have those thoughts, but noting like I did before. Before they were EVERY SINGLE DAY. For me it was being married to someone who convinced me everything was my fault. Convinced me I was the person who was sick. After getting away from them, my thinking started to change. I realized I wasn’t the one who was screwed up. It was her! I found someone else and this person has been very supportive. I hope and pray you can do the same. I hope you can find whatever it is that your missing. And maybe finding that missing piece is why your feeling the way you are.

  36. I actually understood that and agree with it. I’m not suicidal, but I do want to die a lot. Thank you for showing me at least 1 other person understands

  37. I do understand this, as I have done the same most all my life. Just wish it would end already. Gained 80 lbs with Meds for depression, but the meds never helped it. Now the depression is worse from the added weight. Arg!

  38. My sister has been saying she wants her life to be done. Reading your comments helps me realize the thoughts are real. I hope you recognize that it’s not God toying or torturing you, but Satan. The demons of depression and mental illness are real. God loves you more than you love you kids or family and wants to bless you with health and happiness. Don’t be deceived. I pray that all will be well.

  39. I’m 75. First thoughts from age 5 were to stop living, to not be here. Diagnosed with depression at 40…finally. Keenly aware of desire to not be alive, cycles in and out. Nice life, family, home…..still regret waking up in the morning, half-hearted attempts to kill myself. Most recently almost succeeded, still pulled myself back, the only things that help are therapy, quiet seclusion, looking at the sky and trees and watching the birds.

  40. I have been both. When I have attempted suicide I make a decision that “next time I feel I want to die” I will act on it.
    I can feel that way but not going to act …..yet.
    It comes upon awakening, this heavy sickening dysphoria. Something is going on during sleep but I can’t “catch” it. I start to feel better around lunch and it’s often gone and I feel fairly normal. Next morning it happens again, probably the last 6 mos. So I know I can get through it. Also I tried EFT and it really helps. I tap and say “please this yuck away from me”. Free and it works!
    It may get too much. I may change my mind and act. But I’m the guy convinced I want to die but first thing I do when I jump off the bridge is want to live and try and save myself. That is telling.
    For those trying to save themselves, again I have found EFT had positive effect.
    My suicideality is more historical than the last 6 mos. age 11 I first acted only as a child can. 15 years ago 3 attempts in 6 mos at age 45. Suicide is always a possibility but since those three attempts I have been able to live in wanting to die.

  41. I have been both. When I have attempted suicide I make a decision that “next time I feel I want to die” I will act on it.
    I can feel that way but not going to act …..yet.
    It comes upon awakening, this heavy sickening dysphoria. Something is going on during sleep but I can’t “catch” it. I start to feel better around lunch and it’s often gone and I feel fairly normal. Next morning it happens again, probably the last 6 mos. So I know I can get through it. Also I tried EFT and it really helps. I tap and say “please this yuck away from me”. Free and it works!
    It may get too much. I may change my mind and act. But I’m the guy convinced I want to die but first thing I do when I jump off the bridge is want to live and try and save myself. That is telling.
    For those trying to save themselves, again I have had positive effect.

  42. I hardly know where to begin…, firstly I need to say that you have pointed out a very real condition, in that you have externally articulated something that I’ve felt almost all of my life until recently–wanting to die, even as a child I had so much respect and appreciation for all life including my own, but knew that ultimately humanity has far passed the point of salvage and to honour the Earth and the damage and misery we all represent and as such the right thing is for us to disappear from the Earth. Although intrinsically unfortunate, I would argue that this default state is logical and altruistic to all life in this biosphere, seeing the shameful waste that our ‘civilisation’ has wrought on the world AND itself. The last 2-3 years I have experienced a distinct downward plummet much further from that, perhaps cynical state- recently especially I have felt mentally, emotionally, spirituallt and physically hopeless to some alarming extremes–I believe and ‘felt’ myself, over a time ‘slipping’ into the suicidal, as opposed to just wanting/waiting to die–the increased intensity and danger diligently acknowledged here. I honestly and literally don’t know what to do with my existence, if I had no family I would certainly almost immediately end my life- but with such a loving family, even just imagining or even ‘fantasising’ about suicide, I know how much it would hurt them and I can even theoretically feel their sadness, loss and feeling of such a hopeless waste–which it is but much less of a waste than if I live to old age and especially if I procreate, recycling the next generation of global ignorance and misery to all in its catchment, I believe.
    I don’t want to say anymore, even though it has helped (a little) to simply type out these thoughts and feelings, other than it is also ironically inspiring to see and read so many other people’s troubles, hurt, dark thoughts & feelings, and yet inspire of these biblically ominous odds- here we are.
    Godspeed to all & may I be so bold as to emplore anyone reading to try as best you can and as hard as it is day after day, to rekindle the life-love inside, for yourself first and hopefully radiating outward to your nearest and dearest- dare I say even remember and relite happiness and may we somehow see some of the light, before it’s our natural time to go see the real big one…

    • Crag,

      I hear what you are stating and agree with most of it……..mankind as a whole ….well he’s just evil…..we can’t get along……name calling and words hurt more than the bombs…….and man just keeps killing off the planet with his deeds ……..That said …..what I disagree with is……….wanting to die… beyond suicidal and much more dangerous…….suicidal… don’t really want to die…just stop the pain…….but wanting to die….really wanting to die……there is no spark of live…..the desire is gone….and most of all what anyone thinks or how they will feel when you die……does not matter… have come to a peace about that….they will be okay.
      There is only one reason why I am still here after 19 weeks,4 days and 12 hour…..since my baby girl died…….and that is I believe in God and I want to see her again………..but I am not doing too well and I hope God can forgive me if I leave before I should.

      • Hi. I am a 30 yr old male and have been experiencing depression for as long as I can remember. As a child, I always tried to stay away from people because I felt disgusted with human nature and figured I had better ways of doing things. I tried to remain as alone as possible and succeeded on the most part. I still avoid people. My loneliness has become my temple. A couple things are different in my current scenario, though. Firstly, I feel the desire to die almost every day and night. Secondly, instead of throwing the blame game at people that I probably don’t even know, I try to remember that we are all partially products of the atmosphere’s that surround us. And there are soooo many atmospheres that the count could likely go up past the billions. It’s not like anyone volunteers to come into this world. All it takes is a “big bang” and a new life is born. Whether that life winds up becoming a virus to this world or a maintainer, again, is partially rooted in our atmospheres. Like, obviously, to some extent or another our free will can have a part in this too. But when your world is turned upside-down without the need of any input from you…it can start to feel like life is a is an unjust punishment of some kind: Why am I overweight? Why did God take my family away? Why am I alive if we all just die anyways? Is life the end of the road? What is my purpose? I’ve noticed that feelings of loss, fear of death and fear of life can often have an impact on whether a person wants to live or not. I go through all of the above from time to time myself. My arms are getting very strong from digging holes. The problem is I traded most of my spirit for that muscle and the digging has become a most addictive security blanket. Regardless of my lack of faith, I still manage to find distractions to bring me out of the spells every now and again. Sometimes a good enough distraction for me is to know that there is nothing I can do to change the past and for every day that I suffer, there can instead be a day where I make small improvements to my psyche and whatnot. Why can’t today be that day? I mean, if a person is able to fall downhill, then, surely climbing back uphill isn’t impossible. Is it? Change is always in the making. It is always swinging into action whether for better or worse (and whether you notice it or not). Now, if only I could convince myself to believe my own bullshit, I might make a little more progress….lol

        • John B,
          They say we can only change if we really want too………now that id bullsh t……..none of us want this pain….and we know a little change would help us……butt we don’t know how……meds—no……Doctors–talking to someone that really does not understand—no……sometimes we find our own way…..but most of us don’t…….
          I think of it like being in a sea of despair ……swimming toward an Island of hope…..we sometimes go under…but continue swimming toward that Island of hope….some do make it……but then there are those of us…..that sink to the bottom….like me…and still we crawl along the bottom hoping to still reach that island of hope…..but we all get so tired we just want it to stop….just stop………….

  43. I was suicidal in my teens but didn’t want to die. I went through a life of pain yes, and my brother, along with my best friend & lover, both committed suicide when I was young. I should have too. I now want nothing more than to die. It has happened over the last couple years. My story has a strange twist though: my last attempt at living again (the last one I want to make) was to make a family with a nice girl I met. Best woman I’ve ever been with. We had a daughter who is almost 3. She gave me new life like nothing I’d ever experienced. I bonded with her from birth and devoted my life to her.

    After a while I started to get the sinking feeling that, despite her and her mother needing me, I will certainly ruin their lives. I’ve lived in terror since my daughter was born that I passed on my curse to her. I have bipolar disorder, depression, personality disorder, anxiety and mathematics disorder. All fairly severe. No psychotic episodes or schizophrenia. My problems and the way they effect me together with each other, make life a living hell. The older I get, the more clearly I see all the ways in which I’m not right, and the more I retreat.

    I wanted nothing more than to be there for my daughter and family but i secretly don’t think I can make it. I think, besides passing on the curse genetically, that I will damage her beyond repair. I destroy everything and everyone around me. Methodically and efficiently. Not on purpose. I genuinely don’t know how I made it this far and am afraid she may not even do as well as me.

    The places my illness has taken me to, both literally and figuratively, and the things I’ve seen…worst of all the things I’ve done. The people I’ve hurt. I don’t know how I’ve beared it for so long and many wouldn’t survive the pain and remorse. This is not a self compliment on my part, but pure and honest bewilderment. If I believed in heaven I may have ended things long ago.

    So I don’t want to destroy their lives. But my daughter’s mother has depression of her own, and other issues. She will NOT do well without me. Losing me would be devastating to both of them. But I can’t see a way forward. Treatment is something I desperately wanted but my problems are so severe it’s difficult to communicate with other humans as much as I need to in order to: do all the myriad of things necessary to keep SSI, Medicaid and Medicare, establish primary care physicians, dentists, a therapist, etc. Shrinks are the hardest of all. I was diagnosed with Depression at 8 years old. So I was forced into therapy as a child. Went through a lot of stuff. I have serious trust issues with shrinks. What do I do?

    • Dying in Oregon,

      I hear what you are saying……….but no one can tell you what to do….we all suffer this hell on earth pain of despair …..and we each must find our way……I have given up on life…I am not suicidal….I just don’t want to live anymore……I was suicidal years ago and tried it 3 times…….they brought me back from death the last time……the thing is at that time …..I did not really want to die…I just wanted the pain to stop…… but now I can not handle it…….I just lost my baby girl 19 week, 1 day and 8 hours ago….she was 15 y, 2mo and 11 days old……she was my life……she was my all ……..I miss her so much it hurts so deep…………Then a week after I lost her….I lost my younger brother to the big C……..I had wished it was me….it would have been perfect…I would be with her now… my brother would still be with his kids………… .sorry,,,I am ….wait…. sorry about that , i lost it for a little bit……
      My point being, I was glad I was there for her, in what little time I had with her…..sometimes I think maybe she would have been better off without me there…..maybe someone else would kept her alive longer…..i will never know now………I do believe in heaven and hope to see her again…..if I can just stand this sea of despair …..I use to look for landfall to save me…..but now all I am doing is waiting on the bottom of the sea…….for death….so I can hold her again and see her…..but it is so hard……my wife does not understand my pain…..her belie is that she is in a better place and we will all see each other again one day…….I miss her too much and it hurts……so bad.

      you sound like you know what is wrong and feel there could be help in meds some day……so knowing that…if you daughter will have something like what you have…… could be a great help to her…to get the right meds or help….you see how these doctors work….find her one that will help and understand…..what she needs , if that is the case……in short you could help her be way ahead of the game………you know what it feels like….you understand the pain……..she could trust you most of all.

      “What do I do?” Only you can know that anyone that tells you different…..they have not been there… all medical people….they really don’t understand the pain……and the pain is different for all of us in this sea of despair…..some can take more than others…..and some can not.
      You alone know your pain………..

      I always wanted to get in a group…to be with others whom felt the way I do……but the doctors didn’t think that was good for me……now it is too late for me…..I wait…in pain…..for peace….and my baby girl….. May God forgive me if I can not……

  44. You want to live because God blessed you w/a good life. That heathen fuck has made my life hell since the day I was born, and I curse him out every day because of it. I was the victim of two car accidents, which I wish had killed me. Subsequently I have serious health problems from those accidents and since I can’t afford insurance, every hospital/doctor I’ve been to has essentially said “Fuck you, now go suffer and die.” I have no interest in dating anymore because women today will break your heart just for kicks. Attempted suicide six times over the past two decades but since God likes to torment me, they’ve always failed. So now I smoke cigarettes constantly and drink heavily because I know eventually I’ll beat God at this game, fuck that POS.

    • Jesse,
      I never thought anyone believed like I do……I do know what you mean……we are blessed with life and a belief in a compassion God……but then when we need that….there is nothing.
      I have always believed in a God and I have prayed to it……but I don’t feel any hope or forgiveness…..I have at times though he must be evil…….
      I lost my baby girl 18 weeks,4days and 6hours ago……she was the light of my life and now nothing… hope … desire for life… God…….just despair……

      I was suicidal years ago, I did not want to die ….just to stop the pain….I tried times……they pulled me back from death the last time… was peaceful…….all I got was locked up in a crazy ward…..such assholes…doctors….
      but now I just don’t want to live, I want to die and have no desire for life…… and I know what not to do..

      I have let go of the anger and now have control to go when I want…….and you know why I don’t say more

    • Thanks for voicing that. You hit it on the head. The fucker doesn’t give me the strength and courage to exit this world, BUT then toys with me and tortures me with awful, tragic things. Worst of all I’m being robbed of time with my wonderful son. HE IS THE ONLY REASON for me to be alive. And like i said I’m too chicken (gee thanks, “God”) to make any plans. The most I’ve done is read up on methods and discovered I can go down to Mexico and get phenobarbital (i’m in Texas). But will I ever do that? No. Why? I am STILL protecting my asshole extended family from having to find my body. They totally deserve it since they know what I have been going through and do not give a SHIT. Selfish fucking degenerates. My life is a series of doctor trips and trips to the pharmacy for pills that my retarded psychiatrist can’t seem to get to work.I’d like to take that motherfucker down with me. Totally useless. I HAVE TOLD HIM I would prefer to be dead and he just sort of nods. Even ECT did not help me. Oh, aside from wiping away parts of my memory.It’s outpatient, by the way. I have never been inpatient but would love to as long as I couldn’t hear ANY screaming.

      All, do NOT have ECT. There is still something barbaric about it, and it’s always at a mental hospital where you can hear deranged patients SCREAMING while you’re waiting for your ECT session. So, it doesn’t work and feels so scary. You’re laying on your back and the anesthesiologist is sticking you (yup, you have to go to sleep) and you can hear the heart monitor and then they put oxygen on your face…I mean, you feel like you’re getting prepped for surgery. And nobody can be in there with you…not that the shitfucks I call “family’ would do that anyway.

      If would have kept doing it ONLY if I could guarantee I’d die on the table.

      I envy you that you had the guts to at least try. I’ve never so much as picked up a razor. I’m not kidding: I want to be put down like an animal. Have someone do it for me. Sedate me with those dreamy drugs like I had for a C-section. Then bring it home and kill me.

      Anyway, that monster that causes all this? We’re in a game of chicken that of course it will win.

  45. All most every day i wish i was dead .My only child died .There is a long tale of my narc mother …I only realised shewas a narc after my beautiful child died .. I am left guilt ridden ….I am not suicidle As i would no longer be here But i wish with all my heart i was dead and could be with my beautiful girl

    • Christine,

      I too, lost my baby girl, just 18 weeks, 1day and 18 hours ago, she was 15y,2mo and 11 days old….she was the light of my life…..I have no lust for life anymore…it has no meaning, no desires. I am not suicidal ( been there 20 y ago),But I do not want to live….and I know that I don’t have to live…….and I know I can end it when I want too.
      Anyone I leave behind……I know in my heart they will be okay…sad that I am gone …but okay.
      The difference from when I was suicidal ( 20 y ago) … that at that time….I did not want to die..and I tried 3 times..the 3rd they brought me back from the peace….I just wanted the pain to stop.
      I want to die now…..that’s a big part of the battle to stay or go…..and I am very at easy, I don’t rant and holler or get upset.
      I do believe it is not the same for all…..but also most suicidal people really don’t want to die…just stop the pain……..
      That is why I believe wanting to die and I mean really wanting to die………puts a person much closer to death than just being suicidal, suicidal you want to life…just stop the pain.

      We all face the sea of despair in our own ways ….and those whom can float and make some firm landfall…..Great
      but then those of us whom end up on the bottom of the sea…can’t breath ….and it has been a long and hard way down ….there is nothing left …no hope… desire for anything…….nothing.

      I hope and pray you find landfall

      • can I ask something?
        did she die because she committed suicide or
        did she die because she was really sick

        sorry to say but : can I please have the truth

        sorry for you lost
        hope you are ok

        • breah,
          Why would I lie?……… She died because she was sick…tumors… if she had killed herself…I would have followed to protect her……..the only reason I am still here… that I believe in God…..and I want to be with her more than life can stand it ……..23 horrid weeks ago tomorrow I lost her….I wished I did more or did things better…maybe she would still be here…….if what happens…….happens…may God forgive me.

  46. after going through my depression and ocd and trying to kill my self once when my ocd got very sever , now nothing is like before although i’m better now , but i always have these thoughts that i have missed alot of things because of depression and ocd and that i am so late and behind what i thought i would be and do in life by this age “i’m not old by the way i’m only 26” but i was expecting more , but these things affected my success and faith and believe in my self , i hate my self even more now , and there is absolutely no one to talk to about this “anyone would just tell me youre making a big thing out of nothing and its not that hard and youve seen nothing yet”… now that i hate my self so much and i dont really know the method that should be followed to love my self , i think of death so much and i always picture my self sleeping there in peace … sometimes i think to myself saying ” it feels like if i had another hard time in my life that might be a trigger to actually execute the thought of death ” … the thing is i dont want to give up and i dont want to make my loved ones disappointed about me nor sad , but i just dont trust myself anymore on not doing it….

    • someone,
      You sound like you are between suicidal and really wanting to die……more suicidal…because you still want to live….you care about what your loved ones think, you still miss things in life…that you feel are passing you by…you don;t want to die….you think about death and peace….but your desire for life is still there and very strong .
      I think of it all as a sea of despair and when we get here we float and fight for life beyond the pain…..seeking that landfall that will make us safe…… are still floating and seeking that landfall………..then there are some of us that starts to sink…and life’s desires are not as strong…….the lower we go….the farther from life desires we go…..until we hit the bottom of the sea of despair………that is where we truly want to die…not suicidal…but want death….no desire for life, no faith, no hope…..

      Keep floating and fighting for that landfall………

  47. I’m not in enough “pain” per se, to logically want to die. Nothing is so bad in my life that I feel that logically it’s worth dying over. I just constantly feel emotionally, spiritually and physically tired. I’m just done with life and over it. I know that I could do better and make my life amazing. I just don’t WANT to. I don’t want to live anymore but not because of anything in particular. I just feel like I’ve lived my life and it’s time to move on. No one understands this and deems me depressed. I just don’t want to deal with life’s bullshit anymore. Why is that a crime? Why do people feel like EVERYONE’S life must be saved? Why do I need to endure this earth for one more day because YOU feel my life is so important? This is how I look at it; if I don’t want to contribute to society anymore then I’m wasting valuable resources, space and time. What is the point of remaining on this planet in this case? I’d rather a person kill themselves (ONE PERSON) than to get so fed up that they kill numerous innocent individuals plus themselves. Losing that one person is the lesser of two evils. Not all lives NEED to be saved because society says so. Waiting for death to come naturally is taking way too long. I’m using the rest of this year to enjoy my friends do what makes me happy and then next year I’m out. I’ll make my own expiration date.

    That being said; I do wish peace for those of you who feel suicidal but still actually want to live. Life is beautiful and if it’s not for you now… it can become beautiful. I wish the best for everyone. Live your lives the way you want to don’t let society dictate what’s best for you. Look deep within yourselves and ask yourself these two questions: 1. Is what I’m ready to kill myself over really worth ending my life? 2. Do I have the desire to make an effort to fix the issues in my life?
    I say if you can fix your issues with medication or help from family and friends please try. So many articles on suicide tell you to think about your friends and family and how they will feel when you pass basically guilting you to live for everyone else but honestly, you need to live or die for yourself. Everyone means well but in the end they don’t live in your body, they don’t live in your mind, they can’t endure your spirit. YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF AND ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU, YOU. Make your decisions with the best intentions for yourself and your wellbeing, not just because you want to escape. Remember your stuck with yourself in life and death.

    • Well……I don’t believe that, sorry….but I believe Death is a release from this world and the pain that is here……… that does not mean there will not be pain in the next world…….I believe in God… we could be or will be punished in the afterlife……….but sometimes that does not matter in the here and now….the pain is too Great to bear.

        • Thanks Valerie,
          Doctors or medical people would never understand that.

          And I know what you mean when you said you are too chicken to do anything….All the people I have ever dealt with call suicide “a cowards way out” they fully do not understand…..the why and reason and know nothing about the “guts” it takes to do something like that….so how can they help in anyway….if they do not understand the pain and the reason……Doctors…..just useless…….like Jesse said……..give them money or go die.

          Your son gives you the reason to keep living…..hold on as long as you can………..I lost my baby girl 18 weeks,5 days and 6hours ago…….and it has been Hell on earth….she was my everything…I only had her for 15 years,2 months and 11 days…….but I miss her so bad…..I want to be with her………

          I am not suicidal….I just don’t want to live… lust for life….no hope of peace here…….just the pain…….
          I know I can go when I want………………..I just want to be able to see her again…….

  48. No……I think that is wrong….most real suicidal people don’t really want to die….they just want the pain to stop!
    When you want to die…really want to die….you know there is no other way to stop the pain.
    I have been there….3 times ….suicidal I mean……..first 2 times I was stopped by force…..and locked up
    the 3rd time I made it ….but was found and brought back into this world…….the darkness was peaceful.
    But each of those times I really did not want to die….I tried to get help, pills, talking…..none really stopped the pain…….but I really did not want to die.

    So when you really want to die………you have lost the lust for life and you are in greater danger of a successful suicide.
    you don;t seek help, you don’t want help…..just understanding

  49. Thank you for this article. I can totally relate. I’m a 45yr old nurse. Bipolar and borderline. I’ve been suicidal in years past. I just recently had another episode where I just wished I would die. But more than my desire to die is the fact that I never want to hurt my children again by attempting to end my own life. That desire, even if you know it is temporary, can hurt so bad and you feel trapped in your own mind. I had one of my roughest weeks and I am so thankful to my psychiatrist and therapist. Yesterday my psych was going to see me emergently but a snow storn prevented it. He actually called me himself while I was at work to check on me. Just having that support made me feel so much better!

  50. I am 16 years old and for a long time I have had little to no fear of death. I do a lot of dancing and it’s this that I want to form a career in. I wanted to do ballet but I’m too small and can’t loose the weight no matter how much I feel it should mean to me, I can’t leave as I can’t bare the backlash it would have on my relationships and my pride (watch as the people with me achieve what I wanted) so I am doing contemporary, an art form Im starting to hate but it’s my own goddamn fault. I am pressured constantly with the obsession to loose weight from my family, teacher and myself but I love to eat and let myself of the hook even when I know I will be faced with the unbearable guilt of letting every one down. Recently, a big part of what was keeping me stable under all the pressure, a singer i loved committed suicide. It was very painful and sad but not like loosing a close loved one I thought. But, I have started to think about death more and more, I think about going to sleep and never waking up again I welcome the idea of dying, it’s almost calming to think that there is a way out. I’m lonely but push people away because it’s too burdensome to build quality relationship with them. I have written a suicide note……..I’m confused because I don’t think I’m depressed. I just would very much not mind dying if the opportunity presented itself. Not breathing at all is better than the impending hell that is the start of the new term. I don’t want to reach out to family or professionals because of the trouble it would cause, I don’t want to go on some medication (I don’t want to be stopped if I feel like ending it all) I don’t want to get help to stop feeling this way….

    • I think you may well be depressed and it’s amazing what talking to someone, or taking medication can do. It can really help you see the wood from the trees. Don’t give up. Xx

    • Hey im 17 and just what you wrote, and wow.. i could relate to every single word.. I mistakenly opened up to my dad and that lead me to being hospitalized for almost two months now.. nothing helps.. treatment is just a word they use to get you into the hospital.. stay true to urself

  51. I’m 26 and I have been depressed on and off for about 6 years. I have episodes multiple times a year especially during the winter end holiday season. Holidays aren’t the same anymore and I lost my aunt who raised me (so she was pretty much like my mother) 5 months ago. I’m still grieving snd literally fight back tears everyday. I have no desire to go to work and sometimes I just want to quit my job because I just don’t care anymore. Lately I’ve been feeling like I want to die which is typical when I’m having an episode. I usually think about overdosing and drowning. My bf got me a pistol for Christmas so lately I’ve been thinking about shooting my self but I never have the balls to plan suicide or attempt it. My daughter is 8 and she is going he reason why I push through, I couldn’t imagine leaving her here by herself.


  52. I think if I could do exactly what my sweet adoring wife did 11 mos. ago the 28th. Very content happy, healthy and went to bed and never woke up, autopsy showed nothing wong with her entire healthy beautiful body. I am so lost and besides myself.She 57, me 53, we were a soulmate couple that were hoping to grow old together and embrace it all. I just want to sleep to my death, as she did.

  53. Have thought of suicide but would never do it out of love for my wife. Do very much wish to die soon however due to a persisting frustration about not being able to reach my potential and generate enough income. Had a mild stroke several years ago and my focus, stamina, motivation etc. is inconsistent and become overwhelmed with expectations and tasks to be a producer. Also I am repulsed by the aging process and do not want to be a burden on anyone. My wife deserves much more than I m able to provide anymore so a quick relatively painless stroke would be my choice for death anytime within the next year or two. Now having said all this, If I begin to be more productive and a better provider for my family this will forestall the death wish but will not take away the absolute repulsion I have for aging and being a burden that needs taken care of physically and mentally.

  54. Agree – having constant thots of dying, but not being suicidal, is imprisonment. Separated and wasted my whole life trying to make a few bucks, now stuck. Just a slow and agonizing existence. Would miss my 9 y.o daughter the most. She’s everything that makes my happiness. She is why I stay.

  55. I’m 15 lonely and overall useless my grades are beyond repair my parents don’t care much for me I’ve been depressed for 5 years I got put on meds when I was 14 for depression and anxiety started
    On 5 mg now I’m nearing 35 and still nothing works i was bullyed until started working out and beat up anyone that would mess with me I joined a group of “friends” that you could call “thugs” “drugys” “hipster”
    And that went to hell I’m switching schools in about 2 months if I make it that is as you can tell I don’t know how to write properly I mostly just sit in my room for 8 hours a day and the rest is eating and going to the restroom and my dad is gone all the time his shifts are 40-5 he works away from the home and my mom is well how can I put it nicely a self-centered mother she often yells a lot and my brother and my sister do the same thing so I just lock myself in my room and I leave the house for school and nothing else I tried to get a girlfriend to make me happy but that never worked either I’m not ugly looking or anything but I guess I’m just not very social and such and I’ve been thinking about killing myself I’ve been caught cutting once and for that all my knifes were taken and such I don’t know how to feel I don’t feel human and I have a weird mark on my right hand I have no idea what it’s from it just was there one day I didn’t think of it much easier to not worry about it I have rope and yeah thats all I have to say people tell me I’m selfish for wanting to end my life and all I have to say is fuck you

  56. Honestly I’m only 16 years old and have never felt so lonely in my entire life. I feel as though I have no true purpose in my life. Don’t get me wrong I have some people I could call a friend in my life, but it is as though I have no one to really turn to. Its as if I’m alone in my own life. For years I’ve been thinking “What’s the point?”but I’ve never been bold enough to end it all. At this point in time I don’t know what I’m still alive for.

  57. I think to myself at least several times a day I want to die. I’ve gotten really depressed over the last year. I never had many friends, but I always had something I was working towards. But I’ve realized I haven’t got a single friend. Not one person I can call to just get a coffee with. And somehow, especially the last few months, I feel completely unfulfilled with my work. I can’t get myself to bed, and when I do I can’t sleep without pills from a doctor. I live in a foreign country and don’t know where to turn for help.

    • It must be really hard being in a foreign country. I too feel like I have no friends to ask out for coffees and such and it gets pretty lonely just existing. Something or someone will come our way though, it will probably be unexpected, or maybe we need to look in different places for friends. :)

  58. I hear you. Most nights I go to bed hoping that I won’t wake up, but I will never have the balls to off myself. I do well materially, but emotionally I’m so screwed up.

    I have minimal self-confidence & spend my whole life on the outside looking in.

  59. I’m 48 and have wanted to die for more than 30 years now. I’ve been suicidal but the thought of putting that stigma and pain on my daughter stops me. But I wish I could die. She’s get my insurance, get over me, and move on with my wife to a brighter future. I despise those people that tell me I’m childish or selfish, mind you I despise lots of things. But include them on the list. There is no correct way to cope with this, and Dr Phil responses are less than useless. I am by all accounts a polite, respected, and valued work mate, and my wife loves me and does very well, when I’m at my worst, to help. Which makes it worse. I want to die when I have so much going for me? What kind of jerk am I? I’m an imposter at work, I ahte myself constantly, have no real friends and just sleepwalk through life. I keep waiting to get more comfortable with things but it keeps getting worse

    • How do you cope???? I need to know. Im scared, its just getting worse with every passing day. I’m 22 years old. I dont have alot of friends, but i have a family who loves me… I feel like a disapointment, a failure… I’ve been having suicidal thoughts since my teenage years.. I feel like if i die it would be better for anyone who knows me.

    • Cameron, I feel the same way. I’m 34 and I’m so depressed. I hope to die almost daily. I too have a family that loves and supports me. My wife picks up the slack when I’m down, but I never talk about it with her. She just knows I’m struggling and does her best to lift me up. How can I be this way when I have awesome kids and a wonderfully supportive wife? I sit at my desk so often at work being unproductive. I can’t stand myself, but I feel this overwhelming responsibility to stay, and not end it. So I am here, in pain, trying to endure.

    • Cameron…
      I have more to say, but am too exhausted. I just thought I’d let you know that I could have posted the same words (and am the same age to boot)… Life is routine and mundane for me. Being a nice guy has hurt me more than helped and I can’t stand most people anymore (not that I ever could). I too don’t want to be childish or selfish. I often feel like I’m “fooling” everyone at work and that they don’t really know how incompetent or stupid I am. Sounds funny to write… I’m gonna stick it out for now and see if I can’t make change instead of waiting. But otherwise… it’s nice to hear I’m not the only one.

  60. I’ve been depressed and having feelings of wanting to die since my early twenties, I am 46 now. Chronic pain and peri menopause only increase these feelings. I’m on medication for anxiety and depression but nothing ever really takes away the feeling of just not wanting to be here anymore. I’ve done therapy, acupuncture, talked to friends, doctors, etc. I don’t know why I’m like this. I wasn’t abused, I have parents who love me, friends, a job, etc. I feel like telling anyone this makes me sound selfish, ungrateful and melodramatic. I am in a relationship with someone I know loves me but deep down doesn’t understand me at all. He’s foreign and comes from a culture where my feelings are considered immature and self indulgent. I try to talk to him but he just tells me it’s okay, I should be happy or just cheer up. This infuriates me because I’m not saying these things for attention. I have just always felt out of place in my own life. Like I don’t really fit in anywhere no matter what I try. I am not married and have no children. This saddens me in an abstract way as I don’t actually want children. It’s more the thought of growing old alone with no one to take care of me. I’m an only child so as my parents age the thought of losing them terrifies me. Although they are the reason I don’t kill myself. Once they’re gone I won’t have that guilt to keep me around. I will finally be free to end it all and stop being in pain.

    • I know how you feel I have the suffering from pain Every day. Cant talk now move and have a shit bag. Lost my kids due to some bull shit that wasn’t my fault. I Panic when the door is closed. No one to talk to and no family to talk to. Things would keep me a bay by writing on Facebook but cant do that any more, so I am alone on this one.

  61. Hey I’m really happy with my life nothing’s wrong I’m not sucicidal but I do want to pass away soon and I don’t want to kill me I want something else to as long as it’s not to emotionally painful I just feel really ready and I’m done trying to die through drugs I just want my life to end soon I feel I’m done happy and half excited not even bored just ready I causally feel like this a lot with a genuine smile and happy experience e.g at a party or my formal and having fun but just feel this extreme feeling of if only I was dead …. I don’t know why I feel like this and I’m no longer caring of what anyone thinks as If I’ll die in a few days … but It dosent really make much sense I guess I have an ideal life many good friends and happy experiences that Iike but ever since about 2 weeks ago when I really really accepted it and thought I saw my life before my eyes then didn’t when I realised I didn’t , I didn’t feel relief I felt guilty and like oh , oh okay . I really don’t get what’s wrong with me I’m just so curious of once I dye and moving on from this life to have a break from life and rest in peace. Could u please try and explain best you can why I feel like this thank you very greatful

  62. I’ve felt the urge to die… the “want” to die. I’ve never really considered myself a sad person. Had an okay life. An okay childhood. Could have been better, could have been worse. I was abused for a few years, but I’ve grown stronger from the experiences. I felt the “want” to die since I was 16. I’m 29 now and still often hear the voices in my head whispering things. I’ve read a few other comments and can agree and relate with many of you. I however, never really researched it. I thought it was abnormal and probably wouldn’t be much out on it. So it is kind of nice to see that there are others who suffer in my same way. I am NOT actively suicidal. I’m not scared or worried about dying….. I’ve come to terms with it. However, the thought of dying at times seems so pleasant. When I was 16 and the feelings and thoughts first started I began to actually plan it… to kill myself. I had an epiphany though that it was such a cowardly thing…. to leave my two younger brothers and my mom (dad wasn’t in the picture) that I’d be leaving behind… so now I more or less hope to die, but i will never take my own life!! Telling others isn’t an option…. I told a few others and we no longer talk and i was scared of involuntary hospitalization from talking to a professional and someones comment above confirms my concerns…. that ain’t happening now!! As for someones comment about broken minds are good at faking their outwards emotions. I feel that I do this extremely well! Too good…. sometimes i hate how much i fake every feeling. I always knew that i was different from most people. I could feel it, sense it even…. I just didn’t think it would be that my brain was damaged/sick…. and I will probably never NOT think of dying. . . . it is nice to see others with similar stories though.

  63. Wanting to die and not being suicidal is the worst because there is no way out. You can call it simultaneously strength and weakness. Being too scared to inflict pain, being of sound enough mind not to. Your problems can be dealt with ‘at some point’, think the therapists. Well, the counselors, since your problems aren’t serious enough. Meanwhile you see your life slipping into the bleak future you’ve foreseen all along. But who cares, because there’s no blood.

    I know some people will look at me and think I’m a selfish, vile person: But what’s the point of the life that would have been cut short by suicide, stretching on and on until 50, 70, 90. A shell of a person who always wanted to change but couldn’t. I know I’m going to think, maybe at least my life would have meant more as a statistic when I was young. It’s terrifying. I don’t want this.

  64. This is so true. For over 4years I’ve had this constant voice in my head going “you should die”, or “it would be better if you’re dead”, and I’ve looked up a lot of things about dealing with this but most of it comes up with how to deal with suicidal thoughts and that the situation you’re in that makes you want to die will pass and you’ll be great again, blah, blah, blah, but it’s a constant thing. It doesn’t mattter if I’m having the time of my life- I still think that I should be dead. I am actively suicidal at times but sometimes that constant repeat of die, die, die, is worse

    • I get the “constant repeat of die, die, die, is worse.”

      I have actually, when those thoughts start pounding in my mind’s ears, to google ways… I’ve done this more and more over the last few years. I get into these episodes of feeling no way out, no future to look towards, everything seems so dark, life has no color any longer and well… the chanting gets going in my mind’s ears.

      I can be actively suicidal at times. Mostly, I am passive of it but that doesn’t dampen… I tend to look at it more now, as a observer of sorts that it’s a “sign” that my illness has taken a severe turn. If I can manage to separate myself from my mind; it makes it easier. It’s that I know it’s not really me but the illness… still; I cannot always do that and well…

      Like you.. even if life, outwardly, may seem awesome… the outward does not always match the inward. We, with severe mood disorders, do tend to hide much and are actually good at it. Still; as the years pass, the ability to hide it erodes more and more…

      I am with you… and I get it.

  65. This post is interesting, because I feel that I fit into the category of wanting to die. There have been points in my life in which I was actively suicidal, but currently I feel that I have hit a wall. I don’t necessarily want to exist anymore, but the thought of my suicide is vomit-wrenching. I have a boyfriend and friends who love me very much and have expressed to me that my suicide would be a selfish act. I don’t have the guts to follow through with suicide, but at the same time I want to die. To explain this feeling: it’s a feeling that makes you desire to be in a car accident or accidentally lose your life. Then the result would be okay, because I would know that this form of death would be “less selfish” than my suicide. The accidental death at this point in my life would appropriate. I just feel that I will never be happy. I’ve tried so hard to be happy, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not cognitively wired for happiness. Everyone around me seems to be so joyous even when times are bad. No matter how hard I try, all I do is hope that I can accidentally pass away in the night, because I am just a burden to everyone else. I’m stuck in the feeling of wanting to die, but being too afraid to do anything about it. And I know myself; I never will kill myself, at least not on purpose. I will be stuck in this miserable cycle for the rest of however many days I’ve been given to exist.

  66. For many years I have said to myself over and over in my head and out loud ” I wish I was dead”. My girlfriend got irritated by that and made me start saying “I wish I WERE dead” instead..Anyway, the thing is, a situation has arisen from which I see no triangle…sort of..really unique and difficult to explain situation but trust me, it sucks.can;t stay because I hate what is happening..add to that teh fear of losing my parents, or just the fact that I alway have said that I wish I was (were) dead..The only thing I don’t have is a plan…this is my problem is getting teh nerve up to jump a bridge or something is difficult. I know it’s wrong and qwould hurt so many people, but again I am so much emotional pain.

  67. It’s on a loop in my mind also. There’s nothing I can do to make it stop. It just gets louder and louder the older I get, and I just turned 40. I always ask myself what am I doing here? Why is this happening? Why can’t everyone be fed? Why do I have to be a human?

  68. It’s a blessing to have found your writing on this topic. I’ve been feeling suicidal for over two-three months. Looking at your scale, I fall into a two because I have no active plan, but what if I think about plans? Dread, death, dying, is what meets me immediately during my pre dawn awakening hours, before my eyes open. These thoughts then paralyze me, to where I stay in my robe and can’t even function. I hate that I can’t function and stay on the couch, all day, looking for help online. I can relate with the earlier post, whereby I ended up having the police at my door, fire truck, ambulance, police car & all, from my call to my doctors office (shrink) called the police (after I called saying I was having suicidal ideation. My doctor was out of the country & told his office staff to dial 911. When the police came, it took me a while to convince them that I wasn’t going to kill myself, that I was having really bad thoughts of death & dying. They had to take me to a neighbors house, with a promise of staying there, to agree not to take me to the hospital. This was a real lesson which hit me hard. It impacted me. My husband although I think he’s in a state of numbing shock about what to do or say. The thoughts continue. I hope my doctor gives me some new meds next week. Till then, the bad thoughts continue. Oh, and all of the neighbors are back inside their homes.

  69. You suggest talking to a therapist and or doctor. That involves having complete trust..Here in my State I cant even trust a therapist anymore because if you tell them everything they have the power though a legal process to have you involuntarily hospitalized. I had one therapist boast to me that she can do that. Never saw that bitch again. If a therapist or psychiatrist feels that you are a danger to yourself many will do that. I have heard horror stories. I suppose it can also be so if anything does happen they wont get sued. Every state has different criteria…

  70. This rings very true for me, and it is not a trivial distinction. I’ve never attempted suicide, though I’ve occasionally had long talks with myself about it. “Suicidal ideation”, certainly.

    But throughout my life I’ve also had the recurring thought that I just want too ****ing die. Or never to have been born. There aren’t many people who would miss me if I did die, and perversely, sometimes I feel trapped by the needs of those who would. Don’t want to hurt them, but it’s hard to properly appreciate their feelings when you just want to GO.

    Against my will, I believe less and less in my Christian upbringing, but I always retain a sense of suicide being the ultimate failure of a test or something. Cutting to the end, to see how it turns out, see what it was all about- or just have the peace of oblivion. I feel like what remains of my life holds little of value or interest, not much to look forward to. I know all of the logical reasons this is not true, but that logic doesn’t make the conviction go away.

    I don’t know how true blue 100% atheists summon the will to keep waking up each morning. Some days, consideration for my loved ones isn’t enough. Some days, all that holds me back is the lingering shadow of the conviction that there is more to this existence. That even though a lot of what I was taught in Sunday School is bull, death is not the end, and it would be a big mistake to force what’s inevitable anyway.

      • Thank you. I do just feel that way. I’m bit into responsibilities and with kids I will never act on it, but I cant help but look forward to when they are grown and on their own and I can finally rest. Sounds morbid, eh. I dont mean it to. I am just so tired of this world

  71. For me its not always the thought of wanting to die, sometimes its more like just not wanting to live/exist – if that makes sense. I also have these thoughts almost daily, but its not always morbid, I just fantasize about dissapearing. Othertimes it is death, blood, pills and the urge to selfharm….

  72. Well put, Natasha. There is a difference. Those of us with bipolar disorder live with suicidal ideation frequently. It’s part of the disorder. But it’s a whole different ball game when we actually go about putting any plan to commit suicide in motion. One is passive, the other active. Big difference.

  73. This article really made me understand a few things. I wake up, go to bed and every minute in between want to die . I have felt this way for so, so long. Thought I was the only one. I hope for some sickness that will take me. I’ve said something a couple of times to my husband that I just want to die. His response is always he couldn’t live without me. My shrink and I have tweaked my medication. On my last visit, we were going to tweak one of the meds but she asked me if she should or if I was going to give up. I told her I wanted to try. ‘She changed the medication but I haven’t been back to her. Not sure if I can go back. I know bipolar’s can be difficult to treat. Maybe she’s come to the end of her rope with me.

  74. I can absolutely commiserate with this. My want for death never ceases. Never. I think about it many times throughout the day. This has been the case most of my life. It’s like I never felt worthy to live. Yes, I had a horrible childhood, but my want to die is visceral. Deep rooted. No med has changed that.

    Have I tried to take care of this myself? Yes, three times. Finally decided I was just here to be tortured with life. I’ve had my times where I wrote my letters and ended up in the hospital. THAT was suicidal, but the death wish is always there.

    I try to will these times away but they’re always there, even in my dreams. It’s hard sometimes to put on my “game face” on.

    I can only hope that one day I won’t feel this way. Right now, I deal with it every day. And I’m getting tired.

  75. Your phrase I’ve spent so much of my life wanting to die” nailed it for me. And somehow I knew best not mention it when I was 11. Yet after 2 attempts and honestly seeing how it affects friends and family helped me try to remove it as option. So now I just want to die. A lot. Just not by my own hand. Facing pain going forward is too much. This depression will pass. Yet there will be another and that’s when it’s the darkest for me.
    My doctor asked today about support network. This does not exist. I talk and people run. To quote you Natasha IM TOO MUCH. so I try to keep mouth shut. It hurts too much to think I have friend only to watch them disappear. My family is my support. They may not understand but they love and stay by me. Thank you Natasha as always.

  76. I have trouble with telling people that I want to die (I sometimes call it “envying the dead”) because that makes them think I’m suicidal. I’ve wound up in the hospital without being actively suicidal by letting people that I wanted to die. I really just think they need to know how serious my situation is, but they wind up thinking that it’s even worse.

  77. This is something I’ve struggled with explaining to people! There have been countless times when I simply wanted to no longer be alive, to finally be free from the madness and the pain. But only twice did I even begin to contemplate making it happen. Thanks for addressing this!

  78. When I lived in NJ, all I had to tell any of my care providers–not just my pdoc, but my primary–was that I wanted to die, and they saw me the same day, and hospitalized me if the visit didn’t help to address the problem. Here in Maine, however, I’ve given up calling crisis lines. If you don’t tell them you plan to attempt suicide, they don’t care. They tell you to call your provider–who also doesn’t care. I’ve called sobbing, begging someone to see me, only to have them say, “If you’re planning suicide go to the ER; if you aren’t, we can fit you in in six weeks.” The medical community in some states considers wanting to die a serious problem, but here in Maine, they treat you like you’re just seeking attention. Thank you for this article. It’s nice to know that someone on this planet takes my pain seriously.

  79. What struck me right away about this topic was the heading and I felt I identified with it. But, I tend to have a more helpless sense of wanting to die. Like I see the days going by and I just feel worthless but not really necessarily in an overwhelming way (then I would get help) — it just seems like sometimes nothing matters and I will try to sleep all day and then have this panic at the end of the day when it is getting dark. So, even THEN I tell myself oh well — no point, I might as well be dead. However, I have a ton of support in place and stalwart reasons why I wouldn’t take the steps to kill myself (at least I feel confident about that right now). But, this just struck a chord with me — I wonder if anybody else feels this way? I find myself counting the years until my eventual death and just feeling I have wasted everything.. Maybe despondent but it is so much more lazy, I hate to say — like avoidance except I avoid almost everything..

  80. Hi Natasha, I don’t often comment although I read your posts almost daily. I just wanted to say thank you for writing these posts on topics that most people don’t want to talk about.
    Hearing you bring these deep thoughts into the light is liberating. So, thanks.

  81. There’s also a separate distinct set of risk factors, protective factors and warning signs for suicide. Since I have a number of the risk factors and very few of the protective factors I tend to shy away from making statements like “I wish I were dead” to my doctor, family or friends because it unnecessarily worries them. Stating you wish you were dead is also a warning sign. Having had a mother who committed suicide just compounds their worry. I’ve only actively been suicidal twice in my life but like you I often wish I were dead. Fortunately they are not the same thing

  82. There are also distinct risk factors, protective factors and warning signs for suicide. I often wish I were dead too but I’m NOT actively suicidal. Because I have a lot of the risk factors and few very few of the protective factors I am usually careful not to make such statements like I wish I were dead in front of others such as my doctor, family or friends because saying such a thing is also a warning sign and I don’t want to unnecessarily worry these people in my life. I also had a mother who committed suicide