April 2014 - Bipolar Burble Blog

Bipolar and Why I Can’t Focus

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Apr 30, 2014

My bipolar brain and mind are interesting places to live. Pleasurable, no, but interesting, yes. At the beginning of the day my mind seems to start out like a blank chalkboard and then my bipolar brain screams at it as soon as I wake. And little by little the chalkboard fills up. Each scream takes up a line. Until eventually there is no room for working thought or working memory or anything all and all I can hear is my brain screaming, “I can’t do this.” It’s a feeling of stress and anxiety and it’s inescapable.

I’m not sure why my brain chooses to yell this particular phrase at me, but I can tell you, it’s impossible to focus through all the yelling.

We Must Aim for Zero Bipolar Symptoms During Treatment

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Apr 21, 2014

Raise the Bar on Bipolar Treatment – Hold Your Doctor to Task

Let me be honest. Even when my treatment is at its best, I never get to the place of zero bipolar symptoms. I’m well, I can handle the remaining symptoms with coping skills, I can be happy but there are always lingering symptoms of bipolar disorder.

And this may be an indicator of being difficult to treat because what we know is that the more you can successfully treat all the symptoms of bipolar disorder, the more likely you are to have fewer relapses. In other words, if you continue to experience bipolar symptoms during treatment, you’re more likely to experience future episodes and we really want to avoid that as each future episode tends to make your bipolar harder to treat.

For this reason, it’s critical to aim for zero bipolar symptoms during treatment, whenever possible.

Children with a Mental Illness – Yes, It Could Be Your Child

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Apr 15, 2014

I give presentations on mental illness in different places, and one of those places is in schools. Kids aged 12-18 get to hear about mental illness, stigma and my personal story of bipolar disorder. This takes around an hour. And after hearing an hour of me speak about my personal challenges and about how I have faced down bipolar disorder are a myriad of treatment failures, the teens often feel a certain closeness with me. I suspect it is for this reason that after the presentation, so many of them come up and talk to me. They talk about how they have been in the hospital or how they have a friend with bipolar or that they think they might have a mental illness.

And, of course, if a teen thinks they have the symptoms of a mental illness I always say, “Have you talked to your parents about this?”

And I always expect them to look at me like I just said something ridiculous because when I was their age, I sure would have found the notion laughable.

But they generally don’t. Many, many of them have, indeed, talked to their parents. And what have the parents done?

Nothing.

Depression Makes the Pain of Your Past Worse

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Apr 7, 2014

I have told this story before.

Once upon a time I knew a beautiful girl who we’ll call Jane. Jane was curvaceous, feminine, sweet and generous. Jane and I became lovers overnight.

And then life happened and we broke up. My fault, actually. I couldn’t handle having a girlfriend while being in the hospital.

But we remained friends while living our separate lives – very good friends and occasional lovers. It was pleasance punctuated with striking screams.

Then, when I went through electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), I turned to her for help. And help, she did. She stayed with me to help me through the first six treatments of ECT and for this I will be forever grateful. And when she left that day, to return to her life, I said something along the lines of, “Goodbye. I love you. I’ll miss you.” (At least I think I did. The ECT makes it all hazy.)

And she never spoke to me again.

I Can’t Have Bipolar – I’m High-Functioning, I Have a Job

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Apr 1, 2014

I started thinking about alcoholism the other day because of some stuff going on with a friend and I started to think about how high-functioning people often don’t consider themselves alcoholics because they’re high-functioning. How can I be an alcoholic; I have a job? A family. A wife. Friends. Money. A house. And so on…

And the same is true for people with bipolar disorder. People think to themselves, “I can’t have a mental illness – I have a job.” Or, “I can’t have a mental illness – I’m a good mother.” Or, “I can’t have a mental illness – I have a degree from a top-tier school.”

But as I have told audiences over and over – mental illness happens, and it can happen to anyone.