I believe that being suicidal is not the same thing as simply wanting to die. Of course, if you’re suicidal, you do want to die (or, more specifically, to end your pain through death) but, if you simply want to die, you may not be actively suicidal. Please understand that wanting to die and being suicidal are both serious and dangerous, but I would suggest they are not the same.
Wanting to Die
I admit it — I’ve spent so much of my life wanting to die. I know people hate to hear this, but even today, I experience the desire to die at times. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with my life or my experiences, it’s just that there’s something wrong with my brain. And in my brain, the thought that repeats is, “I want to die.” It’s on an endless loop sometimes. It’s torturous. I can’t stand it. There seems to be nothing that will adequately quiet the thought.
I can sit in this wanting-to-die state for days, weeks or months. The state seems immovable.
Being Suicidal
In saying that, I haven’t been suicidal that entire time. In my opinion, being suicidal moves you from the realm of wanting to die to the place where you are actively start taking steps to die by suicide. This might be picturing your death, writing a suicide note or making a plan. I tend to picture my death over and over and over. Again, my brain seems to produce this thought endlessly.
It seems that nothing will move my brain from this place until the medication kicks in.
(I’ve also written a suicide self-assessment scale – but please understand that it is produced by me and in no way scientific.)
The Difference Between Being Suicidal and Wanting to Die
In my experience, wanting to die is passive and being suicidal is active. Thus, being suicidal is considerably more dangerous. I’m not saying that a passive desire to die can’t hurt you – certainly it can – but I would suggest that being actively suicidal is more of an emergency situation.
Why does the difference between suicidality and wanting to die matter? Well, I think it impacts how you communicate your feelings. For example, when I simply want to die, I don’t feel that I’m in imminent danger but I know that feeling and thought pattern could be a stepping stone to full-blown suicidality so I need to deal with it and absolutely not ignore it.
If, on the other hand, I’m actively suicidal, that’s the time when a suicide safety plans needs to be put into place and even a trip to the hospital may need to be arranged.
While I absolutely think that both states need to be recognized and dealt with, I still think it’s important to recognize the difference between a serious problem and an emergency situation.
Regardless, if you are feeling either one of these things, you need to know that treatment helps – in fact, treatment is the only thing that does (if you ask me). That might be talking to your therapist or doctor, but definitely talk to a professional. Hopefully you can successfully communicate your specific state and your professional can assess your active risk for harm and get you the help that you need.
If you feel you may hurt yourself or someone else, please call 9-1-1 now if it comes down to your life or a three digit number, your life wins every time. That is what emergency personnel are there for. You can also see my page on suicide and mental illness help which includes information on hotlines.
I’m an atheist and I think the concept of god is laughable. I just want it over.
Agree
how could safety or a trip to get help be anywhere Close to a thought if you really do want to kill yourself you will only think that
I want to die.. because I would rather be in the spirit world of unconditional love than the hell that earth is.. the way WE have made it. No, I’m not suicidal nor mentally ill. I just know stuff.
so with you..
Honestly with I wasn’t born things just are so strange in my life
Your words got me through one more day. I can’t promise what tomorrow will bring, but thanks for today.
For me, the problem with help, is that then I have to acknowledge that I have no good reason for feeling like I do. I’m not abused. My dad was a jerk, but that was emotional at worst, and he’s long gone. I’m not poor. I’m not alone. I’m considered smart and at the very top of my IT career in a fortune 50 company, even though I am self taught. By all accounts, I should be on top of the world, and instead I spend all day, while working, thinking about how I just want life to be over. Then I get done working and the really bad stuff comes in to my noggin. Not sure why I’m telling you all this. Regardless, thanks for your site and this post. Maybe I’ll drop by again sometime.
If possible I would love to talk or message this person (Just Me) I have so many things and thoughts in common. Just Me Too.
PEOPLE WANT TO DIE BECAUSE THEY HATE BEING VULNERABLE. DEATH IS THE ONE TIME YOU’RE TRULY ON YOUR OWN. YOUR MOTHERS WERE THERE WHEN YOU WERE BORN. LIFE IS BASICALLY SCHOOL, WORK, EATING, DRINKING, SHITTING, PISSING,. FALLIN IN LOVE AND THEN COMPROMISING. WHEN YOU FINALLY GET UP THE COURAGE YOU’LL KNOW IT’S TIME TO GO AND THEN YOU WILL BE THE BRAVEST. WHY WILL YOU BE THE BRAVEST? BECAUSE EVERYONE IS SCARED SHITLESS OF DEATH. EVERYTHING YOU WONDERFUL SUICIDAL PEOPLE FEEL IS PERFECTLY NATURAL. I’VE WATCHED PEOPLE IN A COMBAT AND THOUGHT THEY WERE CRAZY FOR THE THINGS THEY DID. BUT AFTERWARDS I UNDERSTOOD THEY WERE THE BRAVEST AND DIED BRAVELY. DON’T BE ASHAMED OF HOW YOU FEEL. LIFE IS TEMPORARY AND YOUR PROBLEMS CAN OUT LAST YOUR LIFE. SO THAT SHOOTS DOWN THAT FACT THAT YOUR PROBLEMS ARE TEMPORARY. LIFE HAS ITS MOMENTS BUT THEY TEND TO BE TEMPORARY. DEATH IS ALL LIFE IS REALLY ABOUT. WHEN YOU GET YOUR TWO MINUTE WARNING, AT LEAST YOU WON’T BE SAYING I WISH I HAD DONE MORE. WE THE LIVING ARE SLAVES TO AN UNFORGIVING UNIVERSE THAT KEEPS GOING LONG AFTER WE’RE GONE. EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE THE RIGHT TO DIE WHENEVER THEY WANT. THEY DAY WILL COME SOON ENOUGH. TILL THAT DAY SUICIDE WILL ALWAYS BE DEMONIZED. JUST REMEMBER IT’S YOUR CHOICE.
I was abused horibly as a child. all the way till about 14 until I ran away nad ever since I have been fighting my PTSD, OCD afew other maldies and the wrost type of BP disorder. I cycle almost every day. I still took care of my wife and son becuase they were my life and I amde a committmet to them. How many times I wanted to die is beyond counting. Stats say 99 percent of marriages when one of the couple is Bipolar rnends in divorce. I thought I could beat the ods. My wife deserved to leave me. My son did ,too. That was close to 2 years ago. I dont know where they are, if they are safe with this Covid and am in a horible divorce. My son who was my soul and heart has not reached out to me. They hide behinf voice mail and email. I nver hit my son or abused him in anyway but He must have see how I treted his mother at times. He is 32 and very successful. SO, I have no one ,no friends, no support group and I am ccycling. I have achieved my purpose of making sure my wife and son being fed, housed college paid for while I havent worked and lived in my own prison for 25 years. I no longer have a purpose. They were my life. I am 67. If there is a god, please take me. I figure the shrinks have discussed this issue with my wife and son and they are prepared.
what you are going through seems unimaginably painful. There is still time for them to contact you again. You must also do anything in your power to show remorse. I don´t believe you are an evil person. I am suicidal too. I know what might lesser the pain. Start with the tiny things. For example play your favorite song. Now imagine not being able to hear it ever again. your favorite food, weather, animal etc. I know its kind of weak but sometimes this kept me from spiraling even further. if you want you can message me whenever you want. +420 602 557 180. i am in Europe ( czech republic ) but i don´t think it will be an issue.
I suffered horrible abuse as a kid. Sexual, psychological, physical. I’ve been on my own since I was 16. Got out by marrying an alcoholic, closet drug addict that also abused me. I was 16. He was 24. I escaped with my two children in the dead of night and we lived in a battered women’s shelter. I was 19. I got my GED, put myself through college while working two jobs at a time. I became successful, raised two great kids, they were all that mattered to me. I have them the good childhood I never had. I became an adult at the age of 9 when my Uncle, a pastor, started molesting me. And I told my mom. And she did nothing except tell me to pray for him and forgive him. That was it. I shockingly and horrifyingly realized at the age of 9 that no one was going to protect me. And I was alone and had to take care of myself. At 9 years old. I can’t tell you how that f’d me up. Huge trust issues, huge abandonment issues, huge loyalty issues. When people I love even seem the least bit to not be on my side, I loose my sh*t. My mother also made me live in a religious cult with her where horrific psychological and physical abuse happened to me, and again my mother did nothing to protect me. So is it any wonder that at 16, and only child completely alone with an insane mother, jumped at the chance of escape? But all of that isn’t the worst part. I escaped, made a good life of my own, had two great kids and we were always thicker than thieves. It was us three against the world. Very close with my son and daughter. My kids were the greatest kids on earth. Funny, smart, beautiful, kind, respectful, creative, AWESOME and good kids. They were each others best friend. We really had no family but us. My ex shortly after we divorced went on the run from the fbi. He was also an only child so there was not family on that side for my kids. Btw he’s still on the run, 20 years later. So never got a dime in child support. But my kids were great. So, all the hardship, all the struggle, all the pain was worth it because my kids were turning out great. And I broke the cycle. Then my daughter turned 18, and the worst was only yet to come. Cause it turned out, my daughter at age 18 first manifested symptoms of schizophrenia. And my world broke in half. She then bloomed into full blown medication resistant psychosis from schizophrenia. And I lost my daughter. It was worth than a death though, because seeing her suffer and I could do nothing to change it is the worst hell I e ever endured. I’d do anything to take it from her. Anything. To make it mine and bare the pain for her, if it meant she’d go on to have a happy, sane, good life. But sadly, neither god nor the devil has responded to my please for an exchange of her schizophrenia for my life and what’s left of it. So it broke me. And then my son, who all their lives his sister and he were best friends, turned angry and very full of rage. He lost his sister and he could not handle that it was like a death but worse because it was like some alien body snatcher was living inside her and she was a complete stranger. To miss someone you live so much all the while they are standing in front of you is a terrible, heart wrenching thing. In many ways, death would have been better for her. At least she’d get some peace from her terrifying mind. So then my Dad, who’s as the one person in my family I always had a Grey relationship with, died. Then three weeks ago, my one cousin I loved so much also died. My son is in the military he’s 25 and owns his own home. He’s very successful. But he’s bitter, refuses therapy, and every romantic relationship he has is tumultuous and toxic. He’s angry all the time and can’t even talk to his sister because it breaks his heart to much. So instead he ignores her. Which makes everything even worse. So I wrote all this to say, your can do everything right and life will still screw you in the end. You can think you’ve fixed things, came through the pain and abuse, only to be hit with horror from an angle you never saw coming. I think of death often. Sometimes I truly feel cursed. And that my daughter is paying the price because nothing could ever hurt me more than watching my kids suffer. I can personally take a lot, and rise above things that happen to me. But my kids suffering, my father dead, a mother that is dead to me, and no one who could ever understand, I embrace death. If it came for me tomorrow, I’m ready. Ive that enough of this world. Done everything I can. And in the end it didn’t matter in the least. So yeah, I understand your pain. But think of it like this. If the two of them are happy without you and ok somewhere, can’t that be enough? At least that’s a possibility for them. What worse, is when all possibilities are gone. All hope is lost. And life will never get better, only consistently worse. I’d never commit suicide. I’m to much of a chicken for that. Religious upbringing still makes me wonder if suicides really all do go to hell. But I’m ready. I’m only 45. And I’ve known nothing but suffering my whole life except for a few sparse, happy years with my kids. Sometimes even your best is t good enough. Sometime no matter how much you want to changes things you can’t. We either accept it or check out. I’ve accepted and risen above so many times I have nothing left. All my fight is gone. Because at this point it’s a losing battle. So I relate to how you feel, but know even if you weren’t bipolar your wife and son still could have taken a hike. And if they are happier without you, that can be a good thing too. Maybe the best thing you could ever do for them, the most generous and loving, is letter them go.
The reason i am still here is that i once read, that if you commit suicide your circle of life was not completed and you will be reincarnated and relive all the pain until you completed the cycle. The last thing i would want to do is going through my life experience again. I act happy every day, i come across as bubbly and extroverted, but i am so, so sad inside. I would love to go and sleep and never wake up. I dont discuss these feelings with anyone and no one will suspect that i feel that way. I am in a mentally abusive marriage, no children and feel no one will miss me anyway
I know how you feel, my husband is in prison has been for the passed 2 years, i live with my young son who is border line autistic and my daughter and her husband with 3 grandkids. I to put on the happy face act all cheery but inside i am dead. My daughter is cheating on her husband and has been for ages now. I have a job that i don’t like but its an income and my son goes to a special school that he loves. Just recently my eldest son who lives 2 hours away from me has asked me to move in with him and his family, so now i have to uproot my young son uproot myself just to make everyone happy. My daughter is bipolar and has major mood swings i just feel like i cannot win at all. I’m so tired of being told what to do but if i don’t it upsets everyone. I’m at a stage now where i just want to leave this world. After years of a abusive marriage to a boyfriend who was cheating always to now my current husband in prison i just give up :(
If that’s not enough to change your mind, here are two quotes that I hang on to from Kevin Hines, a fellow bipolar sufferer
“The millisecond my hands left the rail it was an instant regret” – Kevin Hines
“What I failed to see was that, by ending my life, I would cause interminable pain to my family and friends. I could not understand the heartbreak it would cause those around me. Nor did I consider that my brother, Joseph, might live the rest of his life in continual rage, or that my sister, Libby, might shut herself off from the world and fall into perpetual depression, silence, and sadness mistakenly blaming themselves for my death as many family members do when they lose someone they love to suicide. I certainly held no understanding of the enormous pain my mother and father would suffer because they lost their oldest son in such a terrifying and devastating way. They would not have a chance to watch me mature, marry, and perhaps have children. Instead, all of their hopes, aspirations, and dreams for me would be destroyed with my decision to end my life by jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge.” – Kevin Hines (Authur of Cracked, Not Broken)
You are fortunate. Some of us have thought of all the bad things that would happen to our family if we checked out early, and still feel like checking out early. That is truly suicidal. Be strong, as the alternatives are miserable. Fake it ’til you make it. Watch a funny movie when you’re down, or exercise, or realize how lucky you are, etc… Anything to prolong the suffering until you’re better.
I read this today and was disgusted by it, even as a fellow bipolar sufferer. The attached link discusses the proposed right to die legislation for those suffering from mental illness.
https://beta.ctvnews.ca/national/health/2021/2/10/1_5304371.html
I am strongly apposed to this legislation in much the same way that Abby Johnson a former Planned Parenthood Director responsible for approx 20,000 abortions is now against abortion (Abby also had 2 abortions herself but is now the mother of 8 children!)
“There was never a time when a woman — and I saw thousands of women — walked in to our clinic and said: ‘I am so excited to exercise my right to choose today.” – Abby Johnson
It’s just WRONG on soooo many different levels!!! It’s murder, plain and simple
I too am against abortion, however, as much as I can’t stand the idea, it is a choice that a women should have – in safety.
I also believe “Our bodies and our minds belong to us, not to the Crown,” should also be respected. Until you’ve gone through all the treatments, and yet each and every day you still suffer intolerably, will you truly understand what it means to suffer intolerably and seek relief – be it through MAID, or the indescribable brutality and trauma (to loved ones and ones self), of suicide. Being in this state is no different than those who experience intolerable physical suffering, and I would argue it is more debilitating. I can only recommend you listen to Adam Maier-Clayton’s mother, as she describes how horrible it must have been for her son to take his life, alone, with none of his loved one’s present. His decision was not one of impulse. I would also recommend you look into “refractory depression”. It too is a tragedy, but we as a society must recognize it is a greater tragedy to prolong the suffering to the extent that a brutal exit is attempted. Walk through that scenario, step by step, including the identification by 1st of kin, and all the guilt, unanswered questions, etc, of the survivors, and tell me that is somehow better for everyone.
I feel your pain. The only thing worse than not being able to resolve one’s own suffering, is having to put up with all the b.s. from well meaning paternalistic care professionals who are incapable or unwilling to admit that you simply want to die – preferably in a peaceful and compassionate manner. In my opinion, some of the care professionals I’ve worked with have made my situation worse. Google PSSD so see what I’m talking about. Nobody mentioned anything about that. You have to be your own advocate, and you have to ask a ton of questions. Take care of your mind and body while you can. Treating mental health issues with competency, is in the very very early stages.
I’m absolutely sane, logical, and 100% positive. :)
Lol…with that said, my life is very unique (and, no, not everyone’s life is unique – many are cookie cutter). And when I say unique, I mean it in a bad way where there’s no reasonable ways to be productive.
And without getting into detail, I’m at the crossroads where one thinks about the odds, probabilities, all the scenarios, the point in trying etc.
Realistically and logically speaking, I’ve positively come to the conclusion there is 100% no point and that’s ok. I won’t kill myself, but I sure would prefer to be dead 100%.
Now I do hate the fact that I have a bit of a religious background and literally the only reason I would never just kill myself is purely for the part about going to hell for it (supposedly).
That’s the only reason.
Now, again, I’m not sad, complacent, ignorant, etc etc etc. I just would prefer to die just as someone yearns for vacation.
There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to die nor should there be (barring any deeper mental issues). It’s that assumption people have with automatically associating wanting to die w/ “having mental issues”. Now, although that could be the case, it’s never that cut and dried.
But that just goes to show how ignorant and short-sighted people are in being able to see nuances.
I am a 48 year old male and survived a fatal asthma attack twice, (once in infancy and when I was 37). I suffered with depression for 30 yrs at least but after reading extracts of others struggles feel that I am not suicidal but horrifically hate this world, hate my job and have no enthusiasm for things I used to enjoy. I love my beautiful daughters more than anything but I seem to just exist in this world and not live.
I want to die but need to be here for my family. My brain feels like it is splitting in half and everyday is groundhogs day.
My wife and son left me so I hav essentally no family.I havelived eith this for over 40 yers. I am tired. I struggle on but I am so very tired. I just want the pain to leave
I have been feeling this way the last couple years.
I am almost 38 and have spent my entire life in entertainment. I have come to the conclusion that I wasted the last 20 years and should have got a degree and a decent stable job. I have no retirement finances. Now with covid there is nothing. My wife has a rare condition that means she can’t work so it’s all on me.
My career has been making people happy and I’m dieing on the inside.
I know how you feel. Spent my entire life in tourism, and as you know the travel industry is completely on its ass. No retirement except what I saved, which is what I am living on now.
Do not wish I had picked a different career, though, but it is tough times.
All my work for this year has already been canceled too…
Recently, I’ve come to relate to wanting to just die, not wake up but not being at risk to take my life. I’m just not exactly sure how to explain the way I feel…not many people will understand.
On Sept. 5, 2020, my oldest of 4 (25 years old) suddenly passed away. I could go on for months about how truly special, loving he was or about the unique bond we had. This grief is incredibly painful and unbearable most days. As horrible as that sounds it still doesn’t quite explain how devastating it is, it’s just indescribable.
I’ve never been so depressed that could turn to a dangerous situation of life or death ever in the past. I’ve had mild, manageable depression…if that makes sense. So, now when I say I just don’t want to live or exist but, I’m in no way near suicidal…..it’s hard to explain because people immediately become concerned. I’ve tried talking about it to help get it out of my head with people I love and trust and who’ve been supportive as I heavily grieve. At this point, I know no one will understand what I mentally/emotionally battle from day to day….sometimes hour to hour. I have explained how I feel with my dr and my therapist who both agree that I’m not a suicidal risk or that I will be down the road. It’s definitely a tough topic that’s not talked about. I personally think the feeling of wanting to die weighs on different levels by differences of one’s personal situation they’re struggling with. Although I may not be at risk of potentially harming myself or suicide, others might be over time.
In a strange way I felt somewhat relieved that I stumbled across this post. Now I know I’m not alone with these feelings even though I feel awful that so many others are feeling the same way. Hopefully, the more it’s openly discussed, the more attention to start educating and help becomes available.
I had held it together the best I could. Hiding my pain that everyone knew was tearing me apart. I finally found myself with some time alone where I could let go. I did. I screamed and wept until I fell to the floor a complete mess. For some reason I had a big Mag-lite in my hand, I turned it around and cursed God while I beat the tile floor under the carpet as hard as I could. I thought for sure that I had busted the floor and ruined a good flashlight but didn’t care much. I cried until I couldn’t hardly move. Everything I did reminded my of my baby girl. Many days I cannot feel much more than just ok when I think about her. Or when I see another beautiful little girl that Serenity will never grow to be. Or that Daddy holding her hand. All crushing moments that never go away. I know that what I am doing now, she will want me to continue. Incidentally, the floor was uncracked, and my flashlight worked just fine. It turned out that there is still light at the end of that tunnel at least.
For all the times I wanted to quit, but didn’t
I didn’t have to see you disappointed that the end of your life also ended mine.
I love you the same
For that I choose to Live
Live because of your Love
If Love ends Life we did it wrong!
If Love crushes us, we did it right!
I hear you… I would also like to be dead but wouldn’t actively consider suicide, I haven’t spoke to anyone as I feel they would think I was mellow dramatic… but yes it’s a thought in my head all day everyday … just how nice it would be to go to sleep and not wake up … that sounds like heaven .. no pun intended .. it’s comforting that I have read these posts and am not alone with these thoughts although sad that so many feel like I do x
I am 56 years of mistakes. No matter what I do, it’s wrong just about every time. I’ve destroyed our marriage and many other things. I constantly struggle with why I am so flawed and find nothing is ever able to change that. The trail of destruction in my path is only going to grow longer. I don’t think I have the guts for suicide, at least right now, and I know my kids would miss me. On the other hand, the wife would not be sad, she would adjust and be better off financially and emotionally. It makes for a tough decision. For now, I just hope for a natural death. That seems like the best thing that could happen.
Hi Tim,
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way right now. One thing I can tell you is that if your kids would miss you, then you certainly have done something right.
I would recommend you work through your concerns with someone like a therapist. That person can help you see your way through what I’m sure is a difficult situation.
Good luck.
– Natasha Tracy
56 years on this earth and i have enjoyed 26 of them. The rest has been looking after others, im sick of it, i feed my family and go to bed staving, i wash cook and clean and that is all i have, i dont leave the house cause of mobility problems, my family would only ever miss me if they suddenly realised no washing, cleaning. ironing, cooking was done. then they may look for me. i am sick of being just an unpaid housemaid, my life is worthless, i would rather be dead
I just turned 19 on September 17.. I’m a freshman in college and I legit just can’t take life anymore…. I’m done with everything I don’t want to be selfish and break everyone’s heart because I’m young and I haven’t even started really living.. but I’ve been trying so hard to be so strong for so long and I’m just ready to accept my fate.. I don’t want to leave my mother but no one understand what I’m going through the pain and the voices on a daily basis.. the tiny suggests they keep telling me to do I’m on the verge of just doing it..
Hi Momo,
My guess is you know what I’m going to say. Actually, you said it. You said you “haven’t even started really living.”
And that’s the truth. You haven’t just yet. But you can. And things will change when you do.
See, when I was your age, I had undiagnosed bipolar disorder so I know what it’s like to want to end it. I know what it’s like to have voices tell you to kill yourself. I know how hard it is to fight that. And I know how tiring fighting can be.
Please, please, please get help. I got help and while it took a long time for it to be effective, it did work and I am sitting here at 42 years old. I survived what you are going through — for the better — and I know you can too.
Please reach out. You can find numbers and resources here: https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
I am standing with you. You can do this.
– Natasha Tracy
Today im alone at home. [moderated], but i just can’t seem to do it. I waited since morning to pluck up the courage. I just don’t understand. Ive planned this almost every day this is my only chance when i get to be home alone. I just wanted to end everything so badly. Im 18 and i know everyone will say things like im too young and i haven’t actually experience”living”. Well guess what im not that excited to live. I just don’t have any other choice. My parents think my feelings are invalid. I just want to end it.
Hi Nobody,
I’m not going to tell you you’re too young. That attitude costs the lives of young people. What I will say is that it doesn’t have to be this way. You said that your parents think your feelings are invalid. That is a common problem for people who are young. You are not alone and your feelings _are_ valid. The fact that you are suicidal is real and people want to help you with that whether your parents take it seriously or not.
Please reach out to one of these people who want to help you: https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
Call a helpline. See a doctor. Talk to a counselor. It’s your choice, but pick one because these people want to help you live — and live better than you’re living right now.
One thing I can also tell you is that you have lots of time to change your fate. How you live today doesn’t have to be how life continues. You can find a way to actually _want_ to live.
You can do this.
– Natasha Tracy
I’m 28 and have been suicidal since I was a teen. It hasn’t really changed but I have changed my point of view so I find life worth living. You just have to keep doing it and keep going because it’s not up to us that we do live just how. We have no right to decide our own death or anyone’s.
I attempted suicide at 19 after losing people and seeing the pain and torment and responsibility that comes with burying someone, I would never intentionally die now. Losing someone is way too much pain and not just that it comes with the guilt of “could I have done more”. Reach out for support. There’s no shame in getting help…it’s actually noble to help yourself in anyway you need :)
You are awesome
I’m 19 years old and I want to die, I’m still with my parents and I feel trapped in my own self, life’s bitter for me since I’m the different person at home. The thought of death gives me peace. I don’t have a lot to say, a lot of people count on me and believe in me, I also believe in myself a lot but sometimes I just wish I was dead, I’ve been facing depression since I was 14years and I’ve never told anyone, because I will look stupid
Hi Khalid,
I’m sorry you’re feeling that way and I’m sorry it has been going on for so long. What I can tell you is that you are not stupid and getting help doesn’t make you look stupid either. Depression is an illness of the brain and it can be treated medically — just like an illness of the pancreas or an illness of the lungs. I know it can be hard to reach out for help initially, but things can only get better if you do. You don’t have to live with that pain. You can get help and defeat that pain.
Please see here for numbers and resources: https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
Please reach out for help. You can do this.
– Natasha Tracy
I’m 28 and have been suicidal since I was a teen. It hasn’t really changed but I have changed my point of view so I find life worth living. You just have to keep doing it and keep going because it’s not up to us that we do live just how. We have no right to decide our own death or anyone’s.
I attempted suicide at 19 after losing people and seeing the pain and torment and responsibility that comes with burying someone, I would never intentionally die now. Losing someone is way too much pain and not just that it comes with the guilt of “could I have done more”. Reach out for support. There’s no shame in getting help…it’s actually noble to help yourself in anyway you need :)
I am petrified of death and the effect it would have on my young kids. I get no enjoyment out of life but I am far more afraid of dying than living. If I were God and could invent hell, this would be it. There is nothing that can be done. My life is, perhaps literally, hell (why couldn’t this world be hell?)
Life is suffering. All we can do is try and find our why, take responsibility and make it a worthwhile journey. I’m not scared of death. I welcome what I think would be its peace, for me at least. I think like most probably. The thought of leaving your family behind to suffer without you is a real delema. To wake each day with fear and dread and anxiety and depression is a type of hell. Not sure I can endure it for much longer.
It’s funny that so many people are in the same mindset I have great kids and a reasonable life but every morning I wake up I think oh frig here we go again. I have done the vacation thing travelling thing blah blah blah but in the end I still want to just call it a life. Nothing seems to make me want to get up each day and I think even if I won the lottery and could do anything I want ,I say well in reality what do you really want the answer sadly is usually nothing so money won’t change things. I have lived in many places and none make me say Wow this is so great I bought a new suv I really wanted and really you would think it would give you a bit of a lift even only short term and nope nothing. I see people around me talking how great this and that is and I truly wonder is it an act are you trying to convince us or yourself I think I am just tired mentally and physically and it makes me feel this way. I mean most days are like being a mouse in a cage after you explore your 4 corners what is the actual point of doing it over and over. I wish that my life would end in a way that would not leave a stigma for my family to deal with and truly that is the one thing that makes me get up and do the shuffle all over again. It has gotten to the point that if I wrote down exactly how my day went today it would pretty much mirror how my day goes a week from now. I’m glad/sad to see that people are in the same boat as me not willing to end it themselves but just wishing they knew when it was all going to be over
I’m humbled that’s it’s not just me that feels this constant pain and what’s the point feeling.theres nothing exciting in my life.
I decided I just have to decide to want to live…I don’t have any reason or logic to it, I just know that it would make everything a lot easier so I just do it. I just decide to not let depression or anxiety run my life. It’s a decision I make over and over again
I’m 54, have had a bad childhood with both parents not wanting me when I was born, have recently been separated from my wife, lost my job from workers comp claim, can’t work anymore, I am in constant pain in my neck and back, was forced to sell my house and can’t afford to own a house anymore, have no friends, have multiple mental issues since I was 6 years of age, am literally a loser at everything I have ever attempted in my existence, so guess where my mentality is at this moment, yes you guessed, I want to be erased, not just from this life but any future existence as well, don’t trust any religion or God, and definitely don’t trust human’s anymore, please someone kill me!
911 is the last number I would ever try for help again. Perhaps, in other areas, police are knowledgeable, compassionate and understanding. Although seeing the brutality they display around the US, I doubt it. Calling 911 can be a death sentence for the mentally ill, particularly if you’re a person of color. Decades in, fighting to survive, and 911 is still the only option when it gets really dark. I look forward to the release of giving up entirely. Some people don’t get well and can’t manage. Giving them to law enforcement for help is cruel.
Hi Christine, I agree that what is shown in the media is very bad, and it’s obvious Police have insufficient training and some seem to trigger happy, which is very sad and disturbing. However, do you think that the media are covering the situations where Police are actively assisting people that need help in a calm and measured way. This doesn’t get ratings. Also, I recently read a term “suicide by cop” I’m not saying it’s common or applies to any or all of the terrible situations we have, but it an interesting possibility. I’m sure you are a very reasonable person who get the appropriate assistance if required. I wish you well.
im 57 dad to 3 granddad to 3 good job well respected but damn me i so want to go from this life ,its been like this for a number of years i cant see me going naturally .
I totally agree with you. I’m just tired of living but know better than committing suicide. I have family, kids. Grandkids, job. But don’t want to go on
I too am 57. Not suicidal, but done with this. It’s time to go.
55, white, male, two college degrees, world traveled, economically secure and yet can’t wait until I’m gone. Tomorrow brings nothing but taxes and possible bad news while the pope and the president play with our lives in a sandbox we built for them. Avoiding self destruction due to daughter who has no idea I feel this way; I should have been an actor for I seem to fool everyone. If they could read my mind I’d be in a hospital and I’ll not let that happen…
55 and feel the same. I don’t want to carry on anymore. I’m ashamed of who I am. I’m ashamed to be human.
My son was diagnosed with borderline autism at the age of 2. My wife and I split many years ago. I looked after my son for the past 6 years on my own. He couldn’t stand living with her, either, so he stayed with me. I did my best to encourage and guide him. I got him through school. He shifted state, changed his phone number. He wants nothing more to do with me. No reason given. It’s only because my daughter cares about me, that I’m still here. She now has found a partner and a great life. I’m so happy for her. I am now more at peace with not being around anymore. I’m really struggling to find another reason to stay on this earth. Man is so cruel to each other, animals, and the earth. The atrocities, the selfishness, the racism, the corruptness, the hatred, the deception, the dishonesty, and a list of endless so ons, I don’t want to be human. I sure as hell don’t want to be here with other humans. I’m powerless to change the world. Here’s hoping I don’t wake up, yet again.
I am 22 and I have failed miserably in life and all I could think of is dying. I just want to end it. I really want to end it. I feel so worthless all the time. I wish this pain will go away.
hi
Your only 22 and you can have so many happy years ahead, You say you have failed miserably but show me one person in this world who has lived there life that has not said or thought that they have failed. 22 is to young to judge your life.You can and will have better years ahead but always seek out new constructive opinions regarding your current situations from a trusted a source
Welcome to the club. I’m a 28-year-old girl wishing that I was dead every single day. I’m not suicidal at all. Life is so pointless n dull
Pointless being the key word. I mean holy shit man… Not a day goes by when I don’t ask myself what’s the point of this? Like I get it… in theory I get it… you’re suppose to feel “ok” with what you’ve got and you’re suppose to be grateful and shit… but then what’s the point of desire? What’s the point of wanting more? What’s the point to the contrast between where you are and where you’d like to be? And if you have no answer on how to get there? It’s not that I see nothing worth living for, I just don’t see how to get there, and it’s been that way for far too long, in fact, it’s been that way most of my life… Am I suppose to accept the suffering? They say the suffering is guaranteed, success isn’t… well, thanks but not thanks I guess. What happens when the the infamous “now” moment is full of shit? When focusing on the now just reminds you of everything you want and don’t have? What the hell am I suppose to focus on? Daydreams? That can only keep you occupied for so long.
Idk… pointless it feels indeed. What do you do with a game you don’t enjoy anymore… press “exit game” I guess.
I should be able to handle just 2 more minutes of suffering, hopefully there is no afterlife.
Am a male age 63, worked hard all my life, 2 grown kids and 3 grown stepkids, love my wife, happy marriage, earn good money, but just tired tired tired and ready for it to be over. As Pink Floyd said “I am not frightened of dying, any time will do.” Worked so hard, no bucket list, just want to flip it off like a light switch, but owe it to my loved ones to keep going until it’s my time. Don’t believe in an afterlife but I really hope there’s none because then I’d have to go through all this again. What is life but one long extended prison. But you’d be amazed at how I’ve made the best of it given that I’ve always felt this way.
I’m 56 and I feel the same way. I have a loveless marriage and really need an intimate relationship. I’ve suffered from depression for many years and I have arthritis that really gets me down. Social settings give me extreme anxiety. “I don’t wanna die but I ain’t keen on livin either- Robbie Williams. I have no interest in almost anything. I’ve achieved little and have no drive to do anything worthwhile. I just don’t see the point. I look forward to the peace I believe death will provide.
I feel the same way. My wife died of brain cancer and I have three adult daughters . All that’s left is watching them need their mother. She’s been dead 4 years and I’m alone .
I just feel like there is no point. I often picture myself hanging of my curtains or jumping in front of a lorry. But it never seemed suicidal to me. I do want to die but I know what an impact it might have in my friends and family. But then I wonder do they actually care,? And I think,,maybe. So I keep holding on but I don’t know how much longer I can go for
Friends an family would definitely be devastated. Death has a strange effect on the living, particularly due to suicide. I feel guilty for hating this world and life. They say we have a 1 in 400 trillion chance of being here, so we should feel lucky. I’m not feeling it. Life is suffering and I want out.
this is the closest description to what I’m feeling that I’ve been able to find. I’m not depressed or sad. I’m not trying to escape anything. I just feel like I’m done with life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, cause anyone pain, If I could just hit a fast forward button to hurry up and get to the end, I definitely would. I lost my fiance tragically, lost my son tragically, lost my father tragically, lost my first husband and father of my daughter suddenly, lost my mother after caring for her in my home for 4 years. Hers was the only peaceful, “good” death. I’m not huddling in a corner grief stricken over these people, but I’ve gone through a lot of losses, most very tragically. I’m really done with life. I do my job every day just fine, but there’s not anything I “need” to finish, accomplish, see, or do. I’m content with what I’ve done, and now there’s just not anything left to do. The only child I have left lives in another state, so it’s not like she depends on me. I’m wondering if there are situations like mine, where it would be ok to kill yourself when you really have finished all you want to in this life and you’re ready to move on. I truly don’t think I’m mentally ill or depressed. Just done.
I think a lot about the impact death has on the living, and I feel it’s only the living that are really impacted by death. I had a colleague die in an accident the night before I was due to take over from him and people said it could have been you, like it’s bad for me. But l just thought. I wouldn’t know any difference because I wouldn’t be here. It’s not sad for me, it’s only sad for those left behind. What are they sad about? They’ll miss that person and I think some think their friend or loved one is somehow in pain, but that’s very unlikely. To me death is the same state as before you were born,….nothing. I don’t like it here. I’m in physical pain, I have anxiety, I feel guilty for trying to do things I like that I know would upset others. Life is suffering and just to hard for me.
Why must wanting to die by a mental illness? Isn’t it possible to have finished all one wants to do, to have exercised all available options, and therefore to be ready to be done? It isn’t an emotional thing; it is very pragmatic. The modern world is not such a nirvana that a person must be mentally ill to want to leave it. In fact, it is easier to make the opposite case. People are requiring all sorts of drugs and distractions to keep from facing the fact that modern life is not that great.
Agree
In several European places you can literally check out. I think a premise in Soylent Green is valid – check out on your terms. Why create a stigma about it.
I COMPLETELY AGREE. I’M JUST TOO OLD TO GO ON MY BODY IS GOING ALL DOWNHILL WITH THE WORLD.
I struggled with the multiple problems in the world and don’t see any value at all in the contribution I make each day. I have no real benefit to anyone or anything so I don’t see the point in being here. I don’t like it here and I’m filled with physical and emotional pain everyday. I seek peace.
I’m in my late 50s, and I developed active and intense suicidal thoughts about 18 months ago. I try to act on the thoughts every chance I get, but the pain in trying (i.e. suspension hanging), and the prospect of surviving a full attempt with serious injuries, dissuades me from making a full attempt. I have several other ideas on the go, but haven’t acted on them yet, as they take effort.
I’ve tried meds, several therapists, but the to no relief. Finances, work, and close family members with serious problems of their own, add to my sense of urgency to act. I don’t know how much longer I can keep going.
If anyone out there feels they can relate to my feelings, please let me know what you have tried to get relief. I am able to get out of bed in the morning, but I can’t seem to do much else. I am so discouraged, I have simply lost my will to live. Sound familiar?
Booker, i read your profile and yes im there i understand where you’re coming from yet its gotten worse for me…
Sorry to hear that Randy. I don’t know what to say, other than I hope we both find relief somehow. Good luck my friend.
Dear booker,
Tho. I don’t know you, I certainly know how you feel. I am 57 & have been suffering with a “death wish” since around my 30’s. Before that, it was simply long-term treatment resistant depression from my 20’s onward. Suicide actually runs in my family!
I’ve been a “guinea pig” for all manner of treatments, drugs, counseling, etc. At this point I think that if nothing short of miraculous occurs, I will ultimately end up dead &, unless it’s the hand of God, it will be my own. I pray to God for death daily. At present, all that I feel that I exist for is to look after my almost 90 yr. old mom. Once she’s gone, there is no reason for me to continue. I tell myself that I need to hang on for the sake of my beloved dog, so I continue to try. But, that’s all I have to hang on for.
If you have family, friends, loves, goals, etc., THAT may be worth hanging onto. Think; decide for yourself. Find a purpose, hold on to it for dear life, & pursue it to the best of your abilities! A quote I read (from who, I don’t know) says, ” Death is not chosen: it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.” That is where I find myself now. I pray, most sincerely, that you will find any means you can, to hold on, ride the storm out, & find yourself in a much better place! My prayers are with you, & I hope you find the peace you so clearly seek. God Bless You Now & Always…..I am your friend.
~
Thanks Mary. You have a very kind heart. Your words are more sincere and meaningful than anything any therapist has said to me. My pain is exceeding my ability to cope. I don’t think I can cope much longer, but ending things would crush the ones I love, and possibly push them over the edge, as suicidal tendencies run in the family. These intense but apposing forces are tearing me apart – every day. I’m so stressed. I pray for relief every night. I can’t believe I’ve lasted this long. Thanks again for extending such kind words. I really appreciate it. I hope you are well. I don’t know you either, but you are a true friend. Thanks.
p.s. My thoughts and prayers are with you Mary. You have a good soul. Please find the peace you seek. Live.
I’m 34 have 2 little boys. I’m just sad and done with life. Feel like there’s nothing more for me. I’m just done, bored and trapped.
YOUR CHILDREN NEED YOU FOR THEIR SAKE LOOK FOR DIFFERENT HELP ! I KNOW IT’S CRAZY OUT HERE AND NOW ! YOUR MUCH TOO YOUNG !
That is so crazy I saw the movie Soylent Green but I’m not suicidal but like the other person said I’m just finished I’m only 55 but I’m just done there’s nothing bad that’s happened I mean there is a lot of bad this happened but it’s just a way of life but I’m just done and I hope there is no afterlife also because I don’t want to go through all this again I just think there’s nothing left for me to do to gain nothing I’m just very ready for it to be over with I just kind of walk around like oh well if something happens at least it’ll be over surely I couldn’t do it myself but I don’t fear walking in and just doors I don’t fear being around people I don’t fear anything is going to happen I just wish something would or I wish I would just never wake up again
Your boys need you and that’s your purpose to be here. Don’t leave them without their Mum.
GOOD NEWS OR BAD ? ..GOOD NEWS ( NONE )… BAD NEWS I’M 72 AND HAVE BEEN THAT WAY FOR YEARS. FATHER TOOK HIS LIFE WHEN I WAS 8 YRS. OLD. I HAVE SOMETHING HERE BUT I’M HOLDING BACK BECAUSE OF KIDS AND WIFE NEED ME.
I needed this. To know I’m not crazy or psychotic. There’s something wrong with my brain and I have to work on it.
Super article, not clinical, not superficial, but just about described my life in the words I would have used if I didn’t live behind a screen. I’m particularly grateful for you recognising what is possibly the third state, passively dying.
Thank you
I have always had thoughts of death since my mother died when I was 24. But I think a lot more about death now than I ever have, and I want to hurry up and be done with it. I am not suicidal, and would never even think about taking my own life but at the same time if the situation was to arise that where my life would be at risk, I wouldn’t avoid it.
I do not think it is anything wrong with my brain, but life itself has become most challenging. In a world that has been turned upside down around us, the constant unexpected problems that keep arising, being on edge of losing it all, all the angry people around me and the biggest one is that I can never do the things that make me happy anymore. So this isn’t something that is in the brain, it is the stress of life itself and it is quickly becoming too much to bare…. I am not suicidal, but I am not so sure if one day I would be.
Dear brother,
I understand & I have been where you say you are for many yrs.. I try to just get thru one day at a time. I know no other way. I want out; I want to be free of this physical existence; I want to know what lies beyond, & more. And if there is nothing (which I doubt), I want to simply cease to exist. The rock band, Rush, says this ” all that we can do is just survive. All that we can do to help ourselves is stay alive”, from “Red Sector One”. I’m sorry, but that’s all I’ve got. Just know that you are NOT alone!
I’m 57. I have been this way most of my life; my first memory of these thoughts was at age 7. I get what you are saying and how you say it resonates with me. I tend to frame it a bit differently by calling it “passively suicidal” and “actively suicidal.” Like you, I often have images of how to take my life. The imaginings are very vivid and tempting. I have been actively suicidal at times as well. The most recent incident was 3 years ago. But, somehow I manage to endure the pain. I have a post graduate education, excellent job, an amazing son and wonderful friends. Lots of times, it is “Ya. So?” My faith keeps me going as well (can’t count the number of times I pleaded with God to just end me). I believe the formal diagnosis is “Pervasive Depressive Disorder” (formerly called Dysthymia). It is a low grade depression. Of course none of my family or friends understand. The best way I can explain this never ending blah is to tell them it is like ringing in your ears: always there; sometimes you can ignore it, but it never really goes away. When my friends say “Just get over it” I say “How about I break your leg and tell you to walk it off??” By the way, I am a clinical Social Worker. While I may not understand a person’s depression, I certainly do “get it.”
I have dysthymia and major depression. So I have an icky feeling all the time and then tour times I want to completely cease to exist because life is so painful for me. Physical and mental health problems and no family of my own so intense loneliness, purposeless, and hopelessness. I’m well-educated and overcame a lot but it is not good enough for me.
This is so damn accurate, that’s exactly how I feel I have been wanting to die for so long I just don’t have enough courage to do it. Wish I would grow a pair and just do it.
Am fed up of being alive being such a failure. Everyone tells I am lucky that am married with kids and job. They don’t know the suffering of being just good at work, just making making a living.
They don’t know the suffering of living with depression and anxiety. It is like dying everyday a thousand times.
Fucking blast the shit all over the Internet. I’ve been both ways and this is the only site that actually kind of talks about wanting to die but not straight to suicide. It might help someone to differentiate so fucking blast this shit. (Not saying this is garbage, far from it, just prone to swearing.)
I’m 25, I’ve been suffering from clinical depression since I was in high school, but things like that isn’t treated that serious here in Asian countries, my parents would laugh and tell me to man up, people would shun me for my eccentricities, everyday, I wake up like I’m waking up just to breathe, eat, exist, sleep is a bliss, until I wake up again.
I’m honestly tire, I’m the eldest in the family, and ever since my Dad lost his job I have to give up my dreams and thread a different career path to support my family, now I am a dwindling mess, my career is spirallinbg down, I dont know what to do anymore, I’d usually break down, cry, but I CANT, my job requires me to devote 14 hours of my everyday life, non stop 7 days a week. I wanna switch into somethinbg new but my job pays me handsomely and this is the only way I’D BE ABLE TO SUPPORT MY FAMILY, ESPECIALLY MY BROTHER, wholl be in college a few months from now.
I need a friend whgo can stand by me anytime of the day or I’d shatter into pieces until nothing is left.
Take it easy bro.
You’re very strong to be able to support your family, I truly look up to you and wish I could be just as strong as you someday. Your brother will grow up to be grateful for you and your sacrifices. You are appreciated and I’ll be your friend!! :)
You’re so young. I want to tell you your better years are ahead. You’ve heard youth is wasted on the young. Figuring these matters out will come with time. Meanwhile, find ways to be of service, no matter how. And in that endeavor, your youth will be
such an advantage.
?
For me it’s not about wanting to live or die, but that I don’t want to live anymore. Again, it’s a distinction that some may not see but it’s very different. Life for me is… ugh. I just can’t some days and yet I do. I wish I could see every day as a blessing. But I mostly see them as a chore. Blessed be ?
That’s exactly how I feel. Why live this life without end and derive no joy from it
I’m 21, I keep hoping I die. I keep asking God to end my life. I’d never commit suicide because 1) I believe it’s a sin and 2) I can’t afford it, I’m the eldest in my family and they need me to work, dad is old.
I’m in a relationship that made me happy and actually want to live for a time until my partner changed and I don’t feel like he appreciates anymore. I know very well that my happiness shouldn’t depend on a guy and it doesn’t, he just gave me a reason when I had none.
I don’t have a good relationship with my family, especially my siblings. I still think they’d care if I die but not many others would. I wish I can leave them the sum of money I would’ve contributed if I live and disappear because I feel like they’d be better off without me.
I honestly never voiced my thoughts to anyone but my boyfriend, he said I had many issues and I need therapy but I can’t afford it and I don’t feel like it’ll change much.
After reading these comments I feel less lonely. I want to tell everyone no you deserve to live, you are good, you are worth it, please see a therapist or talk to someone… because I believe it but I’d sound like an hypocrite.
You’re learning young, and, as such, your better years are ahead of you. Promise. ?
That’s not true. Things don’t always get better. I have actively tried to make things better for over a year now and it has just become clearer that it is only going to get worse. I have been alone for 20 years. For 20 years no one has held my hand or hugged me or said I love you except my kids. I don’t want to be alone any longer.
Great article and well said Natasha. I appreciate your transparency and willingness to share with others so they can learn from your experiences. Thank you
I just want to be gone. I keep screwing up things with my family. I can’t get rid of this feeling of just wanting to go away. My family does what they can to love me but I just don’t love myself anymore. I helped raise my nieces and nephew from when they were small and one of my greatest joys was being with them. Now that they’ve gotten older they just don’t need me anymore. It hurts so much too much somedays and my mind just wants me to not hurt anymore. I know that I would make them sad when I go but I just don’t know how much I can take. We lost my little brother 3 years ago and I know me going would hurt my parents and family. I’ve been to counseling, but it’s not making me feel any better. I’m tired and honestly the kids don’t need me anymore my family can do without me I just have to get over the fear and then I can be free.
I know how you feel. The only reason I stay is for my kids. Please don’t go, believe it or not, your family needs you. They would be devastated to lose you. Reach out to them. Stay strong, much love to you.
So much pain here. I feel at home with all of you. I don’t know myself, I don’t know my reality. I can’t look myself in the eye. So many bridges burned. Why can’t I burn with them?
I know right. Me too.
I should have died 3 times now. People keep bringing me back to life. The 1st time my heart stopped for 33 minutes i was officially on the other side it was dark yet peaceful . As in pitch black dark. But a sense of peace was there. One of my closest companions passed away Jan. 3rd this year his bday is march 21st in which he would have been 25. He was the best peraon ive ever known. I watched him give a hundred dollar bill to a homeless man multiple times . He was the most loyal honorable man ive ever met uears beyond his ago due to the fact im 5 years older then him. I miss him so much. I have a daughter. Shes 10. Remeber i mentioned i should have died 3 times. I love her but i can not bare not being with her. I feel alone and like i have no one. I need Adam back. I need myself back. I am not suicidal suicide is a sin i want to go to heaven where i know Adam is. I would havr died along side him or saved him more likely. But now everyday i jist cant wait to die. Why God wants me here…unknown . To be the best Mom. Which honestly somehow i am. My daughter knows nothing of this.theres something wrong with me. I had a bad accudent as a child possible brain injury..idk im on depression and anxiety meds and sometimes it does nothing. Idk what to do. I wish for real pain to supress the emotional mental pain i feel inside. All of my “family” hates me on my birth mothers side . I have a father and Step mom /shes more my birth mom. But i cant tell my parents this. My boyfriend.. cant tell him either. Ill get my wish 1 day…my luck probably when im ffing 80 smfh. Atleast ill have 60 years to raise love and be the best Mom i can be. But is that all im here for? Nothing for myself? Im in 2 therapy classes have not told neither. For what to get sucked deeper down there hole. NO.
So yeah I feel desperate for death
I have hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt that have judgements.
A husband who refused to allow me to file bankruptcy for 14 years. I have 4 kids that I love but bring me endless exhaustion.
I suffer with chronic pain, insomnia, exhaustion and hip displasia . I care nothing about the future and have wanted to be dead for the past 20 years. I have panic all day every day since my Dad’s passing two years ago. We All used to live together and it worked well, now we can barely pay our electricity. The only thing that has kept me alive this long, as it is a daily hell, is the fear of death by suicide. So I ask God to kill me daily. I just want to be in that perfect paradise that he has shown me so many times in my dreams. I know God is real and that’s what keeps me from pulling the trigger is a FEAR OF GOD.
This is so sad. Please get yourself to an emergency room. You need a few weeks to rest. Please ASAP
Getting mental health in NYC is close to impossible. All therapist are full and very few to none accept insurance…dying still seems to be the easiest and most satisfying solution to be depress all the time..
I took comfort in reading your article. It helped me to hear my mindset articulated. For me it’s the absolute no fear of death, pain, injury or anything, and I feel empty. I’m actually trying to find someone whose felt the same but has got that fear of death back. That sense of self preservation that we all felt and knew once. Is it possible? If it is then I’d like to know how. Peace.
I live in nyc – there are a lot of ny state mental health centers.
Theresa, you are an incredibly beautiful soul. I cried reading your comment. You deserve so much love and tenderness- most of all and especially from yourself.
Though it may be hard, please give yourself the gentle love and kindness you need. Your family has been nothing but hurtful and have harmed you beyond words. You deserve a life free from wanting or craving their approval. Family is what is made of it. Some families are unwilling to change their ways or right their wrongs through compassion and forgiveness. You, instead, have chosen this path that centres around love, and that’s a path that has helped you release so much pain inside you. You’ve chosen love, and only love can heal fear and hurt. Your family isn’t the same as you, they aren’t as profoundly loving, or haven’t been shown that this love exists inside them, and yes, it’s so unfair to, say the least, that you suffered the brunt of this pain while they choose to shun you instead of choosing reconciliation and love.
Their actions are NOT your fault. Their words and their resentments are not yours to hold. Please allow yourself to let go of them. You are more than enough as you are. You are incredible, sweet, kind and caring. You are brave, strong, capable and resilient. Look at all you’ve been through and you’re still standing! You’re incredible. Truly.
Please, please see a therapist who you connect with. It may take some time to find one you really like, but it is so, so worth it. You deserve it, okay? You really do. You deserve to have someone listen to you and validate your story, it’s realness and the heartache it brought you. And then, you deserve to let this pain go and be free. You deserve to live and be happy, at peace with yourself and the world. You deserve to live a fantastic, fun, beautiful life with your child and the many new people that will come into your life that you’ll adore, too. I promise. You deserve love and peace.
Try searching “EFT” (emotional freedom tapping) on YouTube. Brad Yates has a great channel dedicated to helping those though this technique, one that’s been clinically proven to work many times faster than traditional talk therapy. It’s helped me so much.
Take care of yourself. You are enough. I wish you all the best. You *can* do it, I believe in you.
My life continues and stil l don`t see a light in end of tunnel. I began to selfharm since begining of november last year what was stage 1 when I used knife of both sides of my neck. Stage 2 I used small sharp little thing on my arms to began to bleed but not on the side where my artery are. Stage 3 is going to cut my artery of both arms as use rope and right pills. I see no other choice because my life is in ruins and loose any meaning. I am very little socialable and have difficulties to talk to other persons and especially Girls as I have almost none confidence and shy a little. Where I rent part of a house are a woman exact 2 year younger with two kids and I are tempted to get in relationship with and even married with. But I struggle with my suicidal thoughts and selfharm myself and this my not a right guy for her and especially her kids even. I like what woman after talked to her and even I like her kids. She was lived with her man who was her childrens father but unfortunatelly he lost to cancer and now she must her kids alone with a one family to help out. So it could be a big step to raise her kids even I am not their real dad and I haven`t any intentions to take his place but only do my best and be there for them for rest of their childhood and hers mother and be a family I always wanted to have. I hope to ask if she is single and possibility for relationship with her. I think about that every day but I haven`t to high expectations for that to happen. I give chance only this year and if that don`t happen I have very small to find a aussie girl when I visit Australia in january year for absolutaly to get in relationship with a girl. If it not happen I see one special day in february be last day in my life. For now I will end my comment and come here later.
Today literally I can 100% say out of everyday I’ve lived my life which is 31 years todays the worst fucking day of my life, finding out all at once the man I spent 15 years with the man I loved more than anything else in the world as well as our three children. Was a miracle the first time I met him I felt like a Cinderella story it was perfect he was so perfect I fell in love pretty much right away love at first sight. I am a very strickted person but he was my idol someone who’s the one I am suppose to live my life with. I believed we were forever he always said we are lovers and best friends forever ♾ and once we commit never turning back. Well he turned he’s back on me and I haven’t had much of a sexual life last few years as he’s cheating satisfying others whilst I’m on heat. I am getting bullied my life story’s been told to everyone my heart hurts to the extent I can’t do it anymore the one I trusted hurt me the most and why would he do this to me I have never felt like this ever in my life knowing my prince 🤴 been with other girls guts me and left me to move away and some other girl caught he’s attention. People say I am obsessive . No if anyone been in love for 15 years they would know it’s heartbreaking after being with someone such a long time had a family together it’s called LOVE! He never loved me he killed me!
I’ve wanted to die ever since I was born. Y’all wouldn’t believe the story behind it if I told you.
But I’d never try to commit suicide again because of what happened the time I tried.
Sort of wish I was the only one. Knowing others feel this makes me sad. God bless y’all!
I’ve been wanting to die for, as long as I can remember. My real depression started at 15 and, basically, never ended.I’m 51 now. Yes, I know..pathetic! Now, I’ve got a 15 year old son in my life, I have no clue who his dad is, so i’m sure he hates me for that. He even asked me the other day, why I even bothered giving birth to him. I managed not to say anything stupid, but in a way, he is right.I can’t even take care of myself, I don’t even want to be in this world anymore, so how am I supposed to be the mother and role model he deserves to have in his life. Despite me, he is a good kid,gets good grades, he’s a 2nd degree black belt and what am I?A mother, who would rather sleep my life away. Drugs don’t work for me anymore. I’ve been on methadone for years & can’t imagine getting off and I have no support, friends or family. Part of that is my fault because I isolate and rarely leave my apt.I do my food shopping at CVS. I’ve been seeing different therapists and psychiatrists for what seems like forever. “Here try a new pill, that doesn’t work. I know you’re an addict, but here take these benzos…I’m so fucking tired. I’ve got this ball and chain around my feet, so I can’t even run anymore. My son needs me more than anything and here I am crying about myself. I make myself sick. I, literally, hate myself and wish I had gun…that seems like the quickest & easiest way..but then what about Christian,my son. It’snot as if I’m doing him any good by hanging around, probably the opposite. I have so many layers of shit that I’ve buried myself under..My self hatred is through the roof. At times I feel so ashamed and hate myself to the point where I feel I deserve to be buried under a pile of dirt! How’s that for pathetic, self pity?
Kim, I feel like you wrote down my thoughts exactly. Except my son is 14. I feel the way you do but it’s important not to give in to those thoughts, all Christian has is you. You must make it through each day and be there for him. Even when you don’t feel like it. Imagine the devastation he would have to go through ALONE if something were to happen to you. I often think that my son is better off without me, but who am I kidding? So I keep on putting one foot in front of the other and just think…maybe when he is an adult with a job I can die…in peace, with no guilt. until then just keep pushing on.
Thank you. I desperately needed to hear that.
hi i have been suffering a lot from couple of years now and can’t just seem to get on with it. In 2017 i was diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia and later on i started hallucinating and its because i was in a toxic relation that drove me sad. I was such an idiot to give it a second shot and now i have ended up in the same mess but change is i don’t have anyone near or around me to help me with it. I have been drinking a lot lately and have been suicidal but fear of God is what keeps me away from it. With writing this note here i’m suffering just want to tell everyone that no matter how hard it gets you will get through this and just hang in there like i am i don’t even have my family around and they even don’t care about what i suffer. No friends already isolated before corona thing made me. I even don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow but yeah here we are.
I spent seventeen months in a state mental facility because I told my wife that I wanted to die. I’ve been brainwashed (unsuccessfully, of course) by well meaning doctors. I’ve been drugged by apathetic nurses. I’ve been beaten by sadistic orderlies who couldn’t handle the fact that I wouldn’t urinate or defecate on command. My wife eventually filed for divorce. Good riddance to her, but I still don’t know the fate of my three children. I’ve never been suicidal, but after getting out of that hellhole I’m having second thoughts. I can get further help at the local free clinic, but I’m not that stupid. If I open my mouth, I end up back there.
We all should be masters of our bodies, yet we are all still bound to whatever government that enslaves us.
Im 47 and I rarely think of suicide if ever. I just think of death. What will happen to my family. What it’s like on the other side if there is another side. Talk about a hard life???? Man, I thank “god” or whatever keeps us after life that millions of people didnt have to go thru what I did. People may have went through worse, but to me what I went through is sad,disgusting, hopeless at times. All i can say is think of the ones you love the most. I’ve held on for years this way. Sad mad or glad. That’s the difference between suicide and wanting to die. Suicide is a plan and action, wanting to die is the stage before suicide. But if you can find 1 thing you love with all your being you wont do it. Like I said it only takes 1 love. That’s it. I’ve been wanting to die for 30 years and luckily I found 1 love for the past 20. Still want to die but wont hurt her or them like that
15 year old zoomer here. Hmm what to say.. Oh let’s start here. So I’ve been thinking bout dying or killing myself for awhile now since 9th grade. And I cant think of a reason not to end myself, like ya ik I have family and friends but what’s the point. Were all gonna die some day and I’d rather not have to one day watch close family members die and friends too. Plus I think of myself as a disappointment anyway, I’m a good person but I cant seem to stay a float school and other things just mess it up for me, ( teachers and staff who dont care about there students failing) my parents probably think it’s there fault even tho it’s not, I’m just lazy and miss assignments. Also I know this might sound selfish but I never asked to be born into this stupid world so why am I here, and why do my parents care if I’m alive or not I bet when they were teens they weren’t thinking about having me so like wtf. I just dont understand why I was born into this messed up world where kids like me kill themselves everyday and most adults just look away.
Even if your parents did not plan you I bet you were a blessing and maybe a reason for them to continue living. I hope you find the peace you need to be able to enjoy your youth. Maybe your life has not been what you wanted it to be so far, but you are still so young and it’s never to late to make happen the life you want for yourself. Small goals can help you to reach bigger goals. You are not lazy just because you didn’t do what you were supposed to do at times. If that is something that has bothered you start with doing more little by little because even if you change things a little it’s a step in the right direction. Good luck. I don’t know if you believe in God Or not but who ever you are I will be praying for you.
I’m a 51 year old male. I’m not going to list any problems here (we all have them) but will admit that all I think of is being dead, have done for as long as I can remember. I look forward to the morning after the day I die. I have written off suicide because of the stigma it would bring to my family. However, I hope for a lethal car accident, a heart attack, I would even settle for a fast acting cancer or other lethal disease. I know there’s something wrong in my mind but I just don’t care anymore. I don’t seek help because deep down I don’t want to get better. I just want to be dead.
Hi Lee,
I can feel you 101%. This is actually my first time googling wanting to die, but have thought it daily for over 40 years. Wanted you to know you are not alone and yes when I try to talk to people about my feelings, they say ” not normal, need help etc…. No matter what each and every morning I wish I’d not wake up.
Lee, If you are still here, I agree completely with your comment. I too am hoping for a quick death, and soon. I hate being around people [moderated]
A trump Ad Really absurd and insulting you should know better
Hi Tom,
I don’t have any control over the content of the ads. My apologies.
– Natasha Tracy
Exactly why is it insulting and absurd Tom? Please provide details, not a basic and hateful message as to why any add would be insulting and or absurd.
Maybe its because just this year Orange orangutan man kicked 30,700 to 48,300 AMERICAN adults off of medicaid. Wait till he cuts ur parents SSI.
hello on the weekend I tried to end my life it was a very cold night I just was gonna take my jacket off in a tee shirt and go off to sleep I don’t take drugs or tablets it was a weird feeling like my body started to shut down I cant understand what can cause it
I living life right now but what really means to be alive in this world and don`t understand. My childhood or actually part of it is complete disaster where everything managed to go wrong. Three years of my life used ruined by the closest person in child life. It`s began allready when I moved to new country where I didn`t now anyone as i did in my home country where I had both, friends,language and my bestfriend and all of that flushed down the drain with my whole life. And person to blame was my mother who didn`t listen to me at all but only to my siblings which was my little sister and younger brother. I was in different occasions was for blamed for thing what I never did. Maybe it was because I was oldest of the siblings as it can happen in many families but also my mom`s personality what wasn`t very constructive and diplomatic I several cases between my mom and me. Wasn`t able show my in cases I had l factual arguments but always lose battles because she is adult and I am a child and have nothing to say even I was already 13. Old enough to have something to say and be listen to but it never happen at all. I felt i was only a pawn which she could do anything to but I don`t me to be abused and mistreat. At least my mother wasn`t a monster of any kind. And now I am adult at age 43, almost 44 and I feel my life is living hell in daily life. I don`t have nothing in my life expect things I love ot: running,listen to music,travel and animals. But rest of my life I have absolutely nothing to live for.No friends,no any relationship with woman and no children. I dream about my own family but realistic I don`t see happen in near future or at all as I hadn`t nothing as man and provider to give. I see my life end near future instead as I don`t want to live my miserable life and only been seen as coward and don`t think on others people feelings but I actually I think on my closest family and my my fosterfamily but in long term I must think on me. Maybe I am selfish but thought on closest ones in since I moved for 31 years ago came to a point where I should be selfish, agree? If nothing positiv happen what make change my life I will end it within start of the next year.I have several ways to die what don`t be discover in time. Counting down the days to next year and within next month. Hope if someone out there have solution what I sould to do to make my life better or just should I end it instead.
hi Sebastian, i keep thinking the same.. but I never had the guts to end it, maybe the guts to continue it..
I would have to say I will never understand people. I should have been dead long ago. I have attempted suicide 4 or maybe 5 times. My first attempt as at age 16. I had been molested for god knows maybe 10 or more years by my brothers. When everyone emwas excited about school summer break I was scared to death. I never slept as a kid, I trained myself to stay awake out of fear. I had to have a light on in the hall and would stay awake fighting sleep watching that light for a shadow to appear. I was molested during the day time when parents at work and when I tried to sleep. I screamed at night when I woke up with no clothes on and my brother running out of my room..but no one heard. Out of nine siblings and 2 parents down the hall. My other siblings basically tortured me my entire life. I was an absolutely beautiful child. I looked like a little blond angel. I remember being terrified of holidays and on christmas day I would hide behind my bed in a fetal position and cry uncontrollably. I could not bare joining my family that would ridicule me in front of everyone. I was also physically abused by my 6 brothers. I attempted suicide my first time because my parents where getting divorced and my dad was my only hope. I sliced my wrist and the truth finally came out. After 10 or more years I was forced to tell on my brothers who threatened to kill me if I told. The worst part is my parents didn’t believe me. My mother never did. My dad put locks on my bedroom door like two of them. My brothers broke them off. But my mother continued to not want to believe. I was destroyed inside as a child..terrified to eat or drink. My brother gave me some medicine to make me sleep and I always thought the put sleeping cough medicine in my drink or food. I would go to school nd fall asleep in class and they had to call my parents to come get me. I would cry uncontrollably at school and could not be stopped sent home. I was devastatingly shy. As an adult after 3 more attempts on my life one on a ventilator near death, I remember every attempt and never once had family support. To this day my family all live happy lives. A few of us struggle but I’m the only one who is always just left out. I’m the most loving, caring person who feels others pain. I’m a nurse and I will say I don’t even comprehend how I went on the right path and finished my degree. I was never given money. At age 15 I worked and had three paper routes pushing them in a shopping cart even on the snow, alone in the dark at 5am. How did I find this strength..it had to be god. No child would have been this strong. My torture went on even after the exposure. Every summer my brother got out of college and did the same thing. I have been told I will never be able to sleep at night like a normal person by every doctor without prescription sleeping pills. It’s true.. I trained myself to stay awake like a person during the war to look out for his war mates. I was told I grew up in a war zone. To this day my family go about their lives and do not include me I holidays. I’ve done nothing in my life to hurt them. I know I will die by suicide. I recently bagged up everything so that I would not leave a mess to leave for anyone to clean up. I have a son that i love dearly, but he too suffers with bitterness from who my famimy treats me as an adult. . It makes no sense. I beg for love just to see them.. i forgive everyone.. they still to this day are caught up in their own lives… no time for their sister who’s life was destroyed by them. Some are rich..and spend vacations together..flying other siblings to enjoy life with them. And you know what. ..im so beautiful inside..and this is what hurts the most. I can’t even explain the hurt I have been given on this earth even by other humans. I love them and they burn me..and I still love them. I give my shirt off my back and give a home to friends who were broken and they burn me. I live alone married several times. The only thing keep g me alive is my dogs and my son. I believe my son would be better off with me gone..then deal with a mom who has been shunned by a messed up family. My last attempt was when I came ho.e from work and found my beloved yorkie..blood scattered on my floor. I took his dead body and a bottle of pills and cried myself to sleep to never wake up. You k ow what my life portrays… The torture Jesus element through exactly.. except he did not attempt suicide. This earth does not deserve a beautiful loving heart like mine. If you don’t even have family to love you, you have no purpose. I even called to volunteer for holidays they had too many.. screw this life I say.
Hey Theresa u completely understand what you are going through..Don’t suicide please for the sake of your son..your a beautiful person ..inside out but don’t u have come this strong and i want to appreciate you for that ..you haven’t met people around the world there are people they may be strangers but we are all humans and there are people who care ..i care for you a i dont want you to give up dear ..Have faith in God…
Dear Theresa, Your family is made up of a bunch of toxic narcissist. You need to RUN, not walk , away from them! Forget them. I’m fact don’t even talk to them. Get yourself some therapy. There should be counseling available on a sliding scale in your community. You’re worth it! You’re son is worth it! Living your best life is the best revenge.
I’m reading Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More. After a suicide attempt during bipolar depression my family decided to abruptly stop talking to me. My mother has used the “silent treatment” and ” gaslighting” to manipulate and control me for most of my life. I figured this out, along with other abuse, as I was coming out of the depression. It’s been a year since my family stopped talking to me (by family i mean my mother and two sisters – her “flying monkeys”) I love that I’m no longer their victim. I love that I get to choose what I want to do without criticism from them. I love that I get to take a vacation instead of using my money to go visit my miserable mother in her old people’s home. Sure, I’m angry with them, but that’s what therapy is for. My goal is no longer to please them with my complicity. My goal is to go out and live MY best life!! I deserve it and so do you.
To the commentor lynn, if you read this, i know how you feel. Screw what everyone else says. You havent done it, not because youre a leech. Its because you still have hope somewhere inside. I have it to and i hate it. I hate everyday. The endless cycle of nothingness. The endless cycle of attempts and failures, of striving to grow and only seeming to shrink or simply lose parts of yourself. But guess what. You are special and necessary, even as you are now. The worst of us, is simple one side of the duality of life. If people like us werent here for everyone to look at and feel they had it good then the whole world would be like us. You dont have to worry about life because it doesnt have to go on forever, but dont cut something short thats garunteed to end anyway. If nothing else, at the end of it all, maybe cynical vindications will be fullfilling in the end. And if its not, hey youll be dead and you wont care. People try to make us feel like shit like we dont do itnto ourselves enough. They way i deal with it, i force myself wveryday to lock my emptions away from everyone. I decide that that are not allowed to my feelings and whats in me because of the way they handle everythings. Humanity is overrated in my opinion, but thats just me. But no matter what.l, keep fighting…this is my motto and i live by it….”Before i kill myself and give this world and people in it the satisfaction, Id watch this whole world burn to the ground.:
All I can think all the time is: “I’m worthless.” When I think it, I want someone to tell me I’m not. I want someone to tell me that actually, I’m valuable and even at 35, washed up in a dead-end job I hate with no money and no prospects, somehow I’m going to turn it around and transform into something Worthwhile. I want that, and I feel pathetic for wanting it, but at the same time I know it won’t change anything because I’ll never believe it. Probably because it isn’t true.
My apartment building is 35 stories tall and the door to the roof is never locked and it’s hard to calculate wind resistance, but I think it would only take 12 seconds max. Everybody around me who knows I’m depressed is like, the hell is your problem, there’s nothing wrong with your life that you didn’t make that way; how self-pitying are you? And they’re right. But I don’t even care very much anymore. Of course all the things wrong with my life are wrong because I made them that way. And I’ll never do any better than that because I’m a worthless piece of shit. Twelve seconds and I don’t have to care anymore. But I don’t do it and I won’t do it because I’m a fucking leech.
Ever since I got into the spiritual world. Lots of bad things happen to me. When I get good signs that something good is going to happen. It’s the total opposite. I never understand what people are saying when I read you all’s stories cause you all are very smart and use hard words I don’t understand. I been told to many time by psychics and others that I’m on my own. That I will get no help from anyone or the universe and angels. My life has been hell. I really have nothing to live for anymore. Individuals think I feel sorry for myself but I don’t. I’m proud cause I succeeded through all this pain. From being beat by my mother, never met my father, kids in the street beat me up and did nasty things to me like make me give them head at 9 yrs old, my mom didn’t just beat me but made me drink urine for wetting the bed. Then when I got older my twin sister abused me and her and her kids stole from me and took advantage of me for at least twenty yrs. My sister even put her hands on me. I’ve had three serious relationships. Too that I didn’t want but I was so lost and alone that I went out with them anyways. I was so unhappy but had to deal with it. The one I wanted to be with used me and cheated on me. I’ve had to move almost every yr cause of problems. Even from state to state. I’ve moved at least 30 times and lost everything each time. Now I’m back in arizona. A place I don’t want to be. I lost my car and everything I ever worked for. I’ve asked heavenly father for guidance but I still always make the wrong decisions and wind up ruining my life cause I thought it was the right thing to do. All I want to do is remove myself from this painful earth. I feel there is no need to be in the spiritual world ever again cause I know now that everyone was right. I am on my own and no one can help me. I’ve suffered enough and all I’m going to do now is concentrate on getting off this earth. In reality. I CAN’T WAIT TO DIE AND I HAVE REASONS WHY.
i feel I have no purpose left in this materiel world when I was in my 40s after suffering a workplace accident which was not my fault I trie in vain to get another job but no employer would give me a job because of what happend at former bhp Newcastle steel works my darling mum god bless her was worrying about me which is the last thing I wanted to happen insurance companies made sure I would get nothing which makes me angry and wanting to end my stinking life because I have failed my self and sadly my lovley mum who I lost back in late April I hope these parasites feel good but they have forgotten about God I will be glad when I am dead
I too have spent the majority of my life wanting to die. But i have been to pathetic to kill myself. I made lame attempts. I still want to kill myself but am sure I would fuck it up. I do cut, which helps, but even that is mostly pathetic. Hopefully soon I will get the guts and end this pointless pain. Fingers crossed.
Idk dude, I’m on legal probation and was suspended from my university for two years for a pretty drastic failed attempt that I thought would surely do it. So yeah…. it can get worse. Please please try to get help. It’s better to seek it out than have it be court-ordered.
???please you are special.
Don’t do it . Hell is real . Jesus is real . This life is temporary. Read the gospels in the bible . God can change your life . I know i wanted to kill myself too from being physically ill and in pain for 10 or more years. Just believing is a start . Your faith will grow and you’ll look back one day and say wow my life is so meaningful and your value is more than you thought it was. Start appreciating the small things and you’ll soon realize there’s lots to be thankful for . I’m sorry you feel this way now im going to pray you feel better ok . Thank you for reading my comment.
God isnt real, he was made up to bring stupid people in line. If god exists, ask him why the world is a cesspool… if its his will then he willed the earth to be a living Hell.
Please don’t do it man. I know you don’t know me, but I know where you are in life I promise. And as much as it sucks and it hurts, if you follow through with it then your life just ends with nothing positive being the end result. You’d never get to see life get better. You’d never be able to find happiness in this world. There is so much to live for. And if you don’t think you have anything to live for now, then live for what you could have in the future. No one knows when things will get better, but if you end it now, you’ll never find out. That thing that keeps stopping you from killing yourself isn’t you being pathetic, it’s the voice that’s trying to tell you there’s a reason to stay. That things are going to get better. And they will. I’m here – if no one else is here, I am. My email is attached to this comment. If you’re reading this, email me and I’ll send you my number. I’ll be here to listen, to talk with you, and to offer whatever advice/help I can. Your life has value. Your life means something, especially to me.
You can replace the word God if you want.. the core remains..
You need to accept the things you cant not change, and change the things you can.
I struggle the same as all of you, not as much as most of you, more than some of you.
but knowing this one thing helps me.
and maybe my sharing this might help one person, and maybe;
my sharing this with have someone share something that will help me….
God, give me grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed,
Courage to change the things
which should be changed,
and the Wisdom to distinguish
the one from the other.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as Jesus did,
This sinful world as it is,
Not as I would have it,
Trusting that You will make all things right,
If I surrender to Your will,
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life,
And supremely happy with You forever in the next.
I just cant cope with life, both my kids hate me and have broken my heart.
My family have disowned me and I feel so lonely.
My husband is supportive but I just feel its not enough.
Weve only been married 2 years, he isn’t the father of my kids but he is the best thing they have to a dad.
Ive raised the kids single handedly until I met my husband, 7 yrs ago.
M<y son is 22, mnot spoken to me for 2 years.
My daughter is 16 and has just left home stating she needs space.
I don't understand where it all went wrong
Hi, I think you should suggest family therapy to your children. My mother has been depressed for most of my childhood and is very stubborn. But she loved us unconditionally. I used to always defend her and in my eyes she could do no wrong. It wasn’t until I started struggling with depression as an adult that taking on her load got increasingly difficult for me. She also has a hard time when I tell her about my depression because she takes it very personally thinking she failed as a mom. Your sixteen year old asking for space might not want to burden you because she can tell that you’re already going through it. That’s why family therapy helps. Or like some of my more self-centered relatives, they may not understand what you’re going through and how to deal with it. I’m a survivor as well, and something no one tells you is dealing with the aftermath of a failed suicide attempt in today’s society is NOT FUN and way worse than what you are going through now. Still, nothing is truly the end of the world so you might as well live, and maybe you’ll really have better days ahead, who knows? Doesn’t hurt to find out. I do urge you to also seek individual help. Even if mine was court-ordered, it really helps.
I’ve been feeling suicidal for a while. I’ve started to think how to end it all and planning what to write on my suicide notes for my parents, my brothr and even my cat. I have tried to reach out to people, I have been in therapy and it just… I don’t know what’s wrong, it doesn’t seem to help. No matter the amount of pills or good thoughts or happy self-love cards they make me do I just can’r believe any of it. I am worthless.
I’m turning 30 this year. I quit my job as a graphic designer because it made miserable. I started to study methodology course for efl teachers in which I feel fairly comfortable but it’s not exciting to me anymore. I don’t have any hope. I have no dreams. I just feel like a big failure and just a huge disappointment to my parents (mind you, I still live with them because I AM A FAILURE). I can’t keep meaningful relationships, fairly speaking of freinds because no one would look at me and cosider to have a romantic relationship and overall, I am just very lonely.
It’s really hard when all you hear is ‘stop comparing yourself to others’ and you’re literally nothing. And when I talk to my therapist (S) about my urge to die, they just get all outraged and make me feel guilty (no, do you know how your parents would feel?). I know, alright. It’s not like I am not consttantly stopping myself from doing somethign stupid just by thinking of my parents and what woyuld their faimily say about all of this. They try so hard. I know they do and I know they love me but I just can’t believe any of that. I am nothing. I want it to end.
First of all, your therapist sucks, get a new therapist. Keep testing out therapists until you find one that works for you. Consider looking for younger therapists that would relate to you more. I am a young woman of color and that was my requirement for a therapist and she’s never done anything or said anything to make me feel worse. I always feel better especially when I truly open up. Second, I personally have found that medication has failed me more times than I can count. And most of the time, when you find out it’s not working, you’ve already spiraled into your lowest of lows. I have found that healthy and clean eating (meaning if I read the ingredient list, I know everything in it), simple exercise and good sleeping habits has helped me more than any anti-depressant ever has. That and also obviously avoiding drugs and alcohol. But just like anti-depressants, I can’t quit my healthy habits because it’s working and I’m feeling better. It’s hard work but it’s so worth it. Anything that seems like instant gratification usually contributes to my depression, it’s all about delayed gratification. After that, anything seems just so much easier, even a boring job. When I’m feeling great, I can get through it and even make it fun. When I’m not taking care of myself, I resent it, hate it, make it the problem. It’s never too late to reinvent yourself and discover what makes you happy ESPECIALLY when you have supportive parents that care about your happiness. I have a parent that doesn’t and another parent that’s too poor and even more depressed to help me. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE. NO ONE IS JUDGING YOU AS HARSHLY AS YOU ARE JUDGING YOURSELF. People fail all the time, it is a natural part of life and does not define who you are whatsoever. I could go on, but you should really start with baby steps, slowly but surely. You have nothing to lose. P.S: This is coming from someone who wanted to punch the people during group therapies that claimed that you can cure your depression with exercise when I was in a psychiatric hospital. You truly won’t know until you try it.
To stef… When I was on 6 anti depressants including ambien.. they would work for awhile and then all I thought about was suicide. When I lost a job and didn’t have insurance I went off all medication. The main thing I suffered was insomnia. This will never be fixed. But after being off medication for about 4 months I did not think about suicide. I was so mad inside thinking those medications made me want to die. I found god in the most righteous way..i can’t explain… because I was raised as a Catholic going to church every Sunday and classes every Wednesday. So I chose to believe it had to be god that got me through. Well here I am at 50 back wanting to die. And going back to therapy. I read you had parents that basically did not support you ( unless I read that wrong).. I must say, in my experience family support has everything to do with survival. Do you agree? I here and read families of suicide survivor say.oh. they had a mental disorder..there was really nothing I could have done. I do not believe this at all. Family support can get you through so much. I had none..i never want pity or anyone feeli g sorry for me. I have enough guilt shame for something that was not my fault. So one thing family must know..if anyone you love attempts suicide you get off your own life and grab that person and give them love like never before… it would save me and my uncle..who killed himself.. for families that do support the lives ones.. I thank you for everything.. somethi g was missing in that person… or something happened to that person.. if you did everything to love them.. I will say if drugs were apart of the problem.. They needed a strong grip from someone and they themselves needed faith.. with faith I believe any addiction can be broken. Without faith and no family you will or may never be saved.
What’s unfortunate is that I sincerely disagree with your opinion that there is something wrong with my brain. Why is it that no one ever questions the therapist or motivational speaker that wants you to manipulate your own kind into believing something is enjoyable when it’s not? That to me is what sounds insane.
This place we live (or at least this place our species turned this place into) literally sucks. It’s fake, manufactured, revolves around money, greed and power, forces us into slavery 40+ hours a week at the better end and forces our offspring into sex trafficking and torture for pedivore elites at the worse end, and people like you spend your life trying to find new ways to convince us to just keep moving forward with a “smile” on our face.
Let me guess? Should I focus on a touch from a lover that causes a chemical reaction in my brain? Is that what I’m supposed to hold onto through this walking nightmare? Or should I savor the taste of my mom’s cookies even though they’ll probably give me diabetes in a few years and start me on a path of miserable pain for a life I never asked for to begin with?
I’m not depressed. I’m just over this bullshit that your slave owners have convinced you is part of “life”.
So please enlighten me – what’s the outcome of this little fairy tale? You sound pretty depressed as the world you’re describing (most of which I agree with) IS a 5h1th0l3.
Point is numerous people know this already, and if pills and happy thoughts and weed don’t work anymore, what’s left?
I’m not sure how to begin. My dream since childhood was to be a mom. A doctor ruined this for me. Tested my tubes and then I got a raging infection from said test. Doctor wouldn’t believe me until it was too late, and I lost my fertility due to an infection in my tubes. I didn’t know I was pregnant at the time. Lost the baby because of the infection. When I told my husband (I am not the best at conveying the truth), he literally said f**k you. When I told him I wanted to die. No comforting or intimacy, just a big f**k you. I’m exhausted. There is only one person who listens, and I fear the effect it has on her…my mother. I feel I’m a burden to be honest. Life would be easier for them if I was gone. I can’t shake this. I had major surgery 5 weeks 3. Got very sick after. My husband still thinks I should do all of the cleaning by myself. I feel he has no empathy regarding my situation, or at least doesn’t show it. I am so tired of being sick, physically and emotionally. He’s still mad because of the ten minutes it took him to do dishes, even though I’ve done the dusting, vacuuming, etc all while being sick. I can’t go on this way. I’m afraid I’ve reached my boiling point. I am waiting to die, simply put, at 40 years old. I feel worthless, and the only person who understands is my mom. It’s taking everything in me not to swallow a bottle of pills. I am scared of going this way, as it’s a sin. I don’t want others feeling it sad their fault. But it’s a catch 22, because I feel they’ll be so much better off without me. I feel I’m broken, and can no longer be fixed. I want to be in heaven with my baby, and my bff pup who died a year ago two days ago. I can’t shake this feeling. I can’t stop the fevers that won’t stop coming…and honestly wish it’d just take me. I can’t handle this anymore. I used to be the strongest person, but that person is long gone. I feel weak wanting to leave like this. But I also feel it might be the only option.
Hi Jenni,
It sounds like you have a lot of stressors going on right now. That’s really hard on anyone and certainly, when the stressors include losing a babe and losing your fertility, those are going to be major life events to process. And it sounds to me like you haven’t had nearly the time, space and support you need to process those events. For whatever reason, your husband is not being there for you right now so you’re going to have to find support elsewhere. Your mom is a great start but how about friends or professionals? The kind of events you’re dealing with right now can really require a professional’s help sometimes and that’s okay. Therapists work with people like you every day and they help people work through those painful events.
I highly recommend you look into seeing a therapist. You don’t have to live in the kind of pain you are experiencing. Often when one bad thing piles on top of another, we think the only way out is death but this isn’t true. The way out is _through_ — and you _can_ get through this you just need to reach out for help.
Also, remember that the Lifeline in the US can help you anytime, whether you’re suicidal or not. They can also connect you with local resources.
Reach out in one of these ways: https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
One last thing, please remember that you are not weak. What you are going through has worn you down, but that only shows how strong you are, whether you can see that right now or not. The fact that you have gotten to this place, this day, is a testament to your strength. Try to remember that. Considering suicide isn’t a weakness, it’s desperation. It’s you needing help. And that’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of insight.
Please reach out as soon as you can.
– Natasha Tracy
I’m 20 and I just done with everything I was bullied at school then at home by my family it was bad like to the point where our ‘fun’ was beating each other up and bullying each other. At 16 I overdosed and then had about 3 different therapists it all worked out for a bit but now it’s all gone to shit. Nothing bad has happened to me now but my head won’t shut up. I hurt myself constantly for 5 years and was/am depressed for 7 years my friends are all moving on in life and I just want life to stop. I don’t care anymore about the future or trying to live each day as it comes I just don’t want to anymore I’ve had enough.
im a fairly young trans guy and im completely and utterly depressed, anxious and constantly tired. im still in school but haven’t been attending full days in over a year now. ive struggled since I was 4 and have been in/out of hospital a few times, also suffered with eating disorders to the point of near death. I feel lost. ive never known life without all of thisz and im terrified that i’ll never recover. on top of this my parents are getting me tested for aspergers. ive delt with self harm and suicide attempts but I really want things to work out. I have people that I love and care about but things seem to feel worthless when I go through a depressive episode. im scared that i’ll do something stupid
Hi Richie,
I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. I’m bisexual, which is not the same as being trans, of course, but I have a tiny view of a part of the window you may be looking through.
I want you to know that trans people have a much higher rate of mental illness and suicide attempts than non-trans people. You are not alone in the struggles that you are facing even though it might feel like you are. Please know that it does get better for trans people as they get older and get a handle on their gender identity, sexuality and mental health. Please, plesae do not give up now. I know it might be very hard, but it won’t always be that way.
Please reach out, get help and connect with others. The Trevor Project is especially for LGBTQIA+ you. You can contact them here: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ It’s anonymous. You can reach them by phone, text or chat.
Please know you aren’t alone. So many people are going through what you’re going through. Reach out. It gets better.
– Natasha Tracy
I am completely sick of living. I’m a 41 year old male, with no life of my own. I cared for an ailing grandparent for years, then ailing parents. I never had time for a life, and missed out on so much. My Dad is the only one left and incapable of living on his own. I’m trapped here while my younger siblings get to enjoy life.
I’ve come to a realization that I’m tired of living. I take no joy from this world, and just want to be done.
Hi J,
It sounds to me like you’re in a really tough spot. That said, it doesn’t sound to me like you’re tired of living, it sounds like you’re tired of living the way you are right now.
This is understandable. Caring for an ailing parent can be _very_ hard on a person. It sounds to me like what you need is help, not death. You need your siblings to pitch in sometimes. You need a respite. I highly recommend you look into getting homecare help and being open and getting help from your family. I do not personally know of groups who can help with this, but I know they exist.
I know it may feel helpful, but I suspect your siblings would much rather lend a hand today than have to plan your funeral tomorrow.
– Natasha Tracy
i don’t think i’m suicidal. I’m in year 10 and i just feel like a disappointment. Not just to my parents but to everyone around me.
I find it dumb when people say “younger people cant feel depressed” or “its just for attention”. it can happen to anyone.
i want to die and i do think of ways of doing it or how my suicidal note would be occasionally but i don’t think i have
the guts to do it. Especially not now. there are people that i genuinely care about and i know they care about me too. I don’t want my parents to
go through that pain of losing a child. Even though i’m not the smartest kid or the most talented , i know they don’t want me to
die. My anxiety isn’t getting any better either and i recently opened up to them about it a little. hopefully it gets better from here.
the thing is , i’m not sure why i feel this way. my life isn’t terrible. i’m surrounded by good people and i live in a nice home with good parents.
so many people have it much harder than me , but why do i feel like this?
i don’t expect a response. i just wanted to type this out somewhere. if its this bad now i hope it doesn’t get worse in the future and i don’t do anything
stupid.
I do sympathize with you. I am in a similar situation. I have people that I care about and ones that care about me. I also do not want my parents to feel the void of loosing a child. My anxiety basically runs my days and my depression helps to tear me down all the time. Imagine being anxious and depressed at the same time… Is that even possible? My life isn’t terrible either just really challenging and I know people out there have it harder than I do… I don’t know the source of my misery and I am not sure I want to find out either. Maybe that’s the difference between us, I do not want my situation to get better.
BUT I wish you the best and I hope you find peace someday.
i feel the exact same way as you. the thing that confuses me the most is one day ill feel okay , and the day will go not terrible and then out of nowhere tears start running down my cheeks and my heart is racing. its so weird. i also don’t want to find out the source of whats causing all this because i’m scared if its something i love (like music , which it probably isn’t) ill have to give it up. i’m so done with everything , i don’t even care what happens to me at this point.
even after all this , i hope we both find peace one day. hang in there.
thanks taking the time to read my message and for responding too , i appreciate it. :)
I am tired. I’m just tired… I don’t know what to do anymore. I meet with my therapist and I take my pills, I even try to have happy thoughts and redirect my thoughts but it … It’s not better, I’m not better. I smile with people around but inside I want to cry or even die on the spot. My anxiety is still taking a toll on me, my depression is always stroking my head and idk what to do anymore. Likewise, I don’t care what happens to me, but I hope we all find peace. ♡
Hi rieM.
I’m sorry you’re in that state. That sounds really hard. Please understand that if you’re feeling that way, it means that your medication isn’t working. It’s not the right treatment for you. I highly encourage you to talk to your healthcare providers and be totally honest and open and ask for new treatment. You can get better but it’s likely that change is needed first.
– Natasha Tracy
i totally relate, ive just started year 10 and its shit. i come home wanting to feel happy because the day is finally over but my head is so hung up on all the crap that pissed me off through out the day i dont end up giving myself a break. my life hasn’t had any major issues which makes me feel like im not supposed to feel like i want to die because i have no real reason to have anything seriously wrong with me.
im so sorry for the late response but i hope youre feeling better now. i cant say i am but shit its getting harder. honestly im just sticking around a bit longer for the sake of my friends. stay for the people you care about.
I am not suicidal, though my husband has abused me throughout our marriage. He has discussed my deteriorating health, my drain on his life, his past sexual experiences and infidelity, make no me feel useless, inadequate and unworthy of life. Meanwhile, he presents a front of a caring husband to outside world. Do they not wonder why I am isolated, constantly hiding tears and signs of abuse? I am isolated from friends, his doing, living at his beck and call, all my assets sold and in his name only. He has convinced me no one cares about me and even called the police after 2 previous incidents where he pushed me to a breakdown and tried to get me to kill myself. I am a Christian and would never do this. In fact left messages with a friend and cousin in case I end up mysteriously dead. I think he is setting his stage for freedom, by making me look crazy. I add that this time I was released from hospital immediately upon psych eval, but still humiliating beyond belief after his torment. He even had an affair with the former police chief and know lots of officers, a fact he reminds me of often. I really need help, wish to not wake up and escape this nightmare is very different than suicide. Would not do that but fear he could engineer it to look like I did. He is worried about his reputation and legacy as he puts it. No thought for mine.
Nancy, only you know why you do not leave him . Even if your religion won’t allow divorce , surely you can separate. If the reason is financial, I hope you can find a way out .
What you described isnt your fault. That’s a corrupt situation in which you are a victim. Please do get help. There are places that help women in abusive situations. And I bet your friends have withdrawn, in part, because they can’t bear to see you in this situation. Sometimes it’s not that they don’t know and don’t want to help, but that they don’t perceive you WANT help. I don’t know your specifics, but your situation concerns me a lot – it’s one thing to struggle with internal thoughts , and a totally different thing to suffer actual abuse from another person.
I know what it’s like. I was abused for 15 yrs by a man. I think I am strong but he made me feel so weak that i felt If i left that I wouldn’t be able to make it. Trust me you can! He is a narcissist and bully. You have one life…live it for yourself. And honestly I’d like to kick his ass! Make him feel weak for awhile!
Thank you for writing this. I have a decent life and I’m pretty happy but I also wish it’d end, I think it has to do with watching people struggling so hard to live with a terminal illness or debilitating old age and I don’t want to get there. I am certain if diagnosed with a terminal illness or condition I will end it – to hell with the government telling me I can’t do what the hell I want with my life.
Hi. I am a senior in high school. I am suicidal and I want to die. I have seen many things and experienced many events that others would find difficult to process. I am also an immigrant. I do not have many friends here in America and I don’t have friends at school. I am slightly pressured by school and what society expects. I always think of ways to die, those thoughts range from a kitchen knife to a truck to deadly illnesses. I have attempted once but sadly, I failed. I got some happy pills from my doctor but they make me laugh without genuinely being happy. Every minute I think of trying to kill myself again, but with my family around I choose not to. I know they will be sad when I am gone, but I can spare them the trauma of seeing me kill myself. I do not want to live this life. I do not want to be here.
If I had to choose between that three digit number and dying, I would choose dying. Not every life matters.
hey. i wish i could give you some good advice and tell you its all gonna be okay. Which hopefully and probably it will be but i understand. although i don’t think i’m suicidal and i’ve never attempted suicide , i too want to die. All i know is that we should stay strong and hope for the best. Talking to someone would be good too. I’m going to start seeing
someone regarding my anxiety issues and i think it will help. Thanks for reading this if you do and stay strong. your life does matter , even though i don’t know you , it does.
My name is Jennifer and I am suicidal. I’ve had a terrible life. I’ve only been truly happy once in my life. I am 40 years old. Never been married or had kids. I was abused as a child and even in adulthood. I’ve tried to commit suicide several times. Ended up in a facility for about a week. Seems like nothing ever helps. All I want to do is sleep so I don’t have to think about not going on in life. You can’t talk about being suicidal to anyone. If you mention it to your doctor, they will have you locked up like a criminal. The last time I tried, they handcuffed me and I had to ride in the back of a police cruiser. I am not a criminal. I’ve had a shitty life and I can’t help wanting to die. I have nothing to look forward, except for more pain. I started college this year, thinking it would give me purpose but all it has done is cause me to question my worth. I’ve been out of school for 20 years and I thought the college teachers would try to teach me something. They just read out of a book. Hell, I can do that myself!! My grades are terrible. Every time I fail a quiz, it makes my mind worse. I can hear my mother say that I am a loser and I will not amount to anything in life. I wish I had purpose. I wish I could keep a job. I shouldn’t be here. I have no friends, just my dog. I look at her and feel guilt for wanting to die. She deserves better. My house is falling in, my floors are bad. I have no help. If I did kill myself, I’d have to do it outside because the damn ems people couldn’t carry my fat ass out the door. I can’t help but to wish I would have drowned in that pool when I was 7. I hate my sister for pulling me out. I had my heart broke by a man 3 years ago and I haven’t recovered. I was so happy with him. I quit thinking about death when I met him. He just up and left one day, without a word. I’ve been through a lot in life. I don’t want to hurt anymore. I just wanted a semi-normal life. I say semi because I have depression, anxiety, and personality disorder so I know it would never be a “normal life”. I would trade places with a dying person in a heart beat!!
Hi Jennifer,
I’m so sorry things are so hard for you right now. It sounds really tough.
What I want to say, though, is that if you were happy a few years ago, then there is no reason that you can’t get back there. It sounds, to me, like you’re in a deep depression. That can make you feel all sorts of ways — including like you have no purpose. But that’s just the depression talking.
What you need is to reach out and get help. Get therapy. Get medical treatment. Depression is horrible but it is treatable. I know what you’re saying about being “locked up” but sometimes a hospital can really like. That said, if it isn’t for you, then reach out for other types of help. You can do this.
See here for information on helplines and resources: https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
I’ve been where you are. It’s very hard but you can get through it.
– Natasha Tracy
I going through the same life as you. Now every day i am forcing myself to live and in my mind i have wanted to die and dissapear desperately. I hate my life. I hate myself. I want to trade my life with the dying person. Just let me die in peace and dissapear without anyone notice it.
I’ve always hated myself, and wanted to die since as far back as 14 years of age, and I’m now 40. I’ve many serious suicide attempts to my credit: attempted hanging where I was cut down semi-conscious, and I remember being ashamed, because I had urinated on myself, which I’m told is normal when you lose consciousness through hanging. Another time I was lucky to achieve death for intervals of sixty seconds before being resuscitated in hospital. Pills were behind that attempt.
I’ve always thought I look, think, and feel different to other people. The only time I ever remember fitting in was in my early teens, but in hindsight I think it was more a case of how reckless I was, even at such a young age, not caring whether I was hurt in some hairbrain idea.
Most of my time is spent in suicide ideology: “what bridge would be high enough”, “where can I procure a gun”, “where are trains travelling fast enough”. My whole life is an extended suicide attempt, and if I don’t succeed in one single action, I will probably die through decay attributable to one kind of abuse or another.
After one suicide attempt I was sectioned on account of being deemed “a risk to myself”, and placed in a secure where I was badly bullied, and physically abused by staff, which was not too different from my upbringing.
It’s coming up to Xmas which I despise, and only serves to heighten my resolve to end my life. All the fake and/or deluded smiling faces exacerbate my feelings of isolation.
I am not suicidal, and never will be. I’ve reached a point in my life, where I feel that it’s time for me to “let go”. I’ve seen too much – and the bulk of that convinces me that I do not approve of the direction and consequences of these changes; frankly, I accept there is no ‘turning back” to the proper station of things and values, and do not wish to live in such a poor state of affairs, and would prefer the security of the sepulchre . I have no siblings and never married. Neither side of my family cares about me – they see me only for what they get for them and their children. I know the longer I live, the more alone I shall be; I can see the writing on the wall. Like a dog or an elephant, I have a deep feeling that it’s time to go off…
Hi Emily,
I can relate a lot to your comment. I’m 20 years old and in a very similar situation– about to start my final year of a degree I don’t want, prone to starving myself as a form of self harm, always struggling in my relationship because of mine (and my boyfriends) emotional/mental health problems.
I don’t have an answer or solution. I just want to tell you I’m thinking of you and I hope there’s better days coming you way. Take care xx
I’m not suicidal, but want to die. I’m in my 70’s and never wanted to be 70. My life is ok, I have a good family, I’m in good physical health, but fighting depression and I’m taking happy pills under a psychiatrist s direction. A lot of people want to help by giving me suggestions as to get out of depression, but that’s not what I want. Is there someone that I can discuss this without them trying to change my thinking?
Hi Bob,
If you would like to talk to someone who is non-judgemental and can meet you where you are today, I recommend a psychologist. Professional therapists can work with you on your goals and won’t just tell you to eat gluten-free (for example).
– Natasha Tracy
Been to 2 different psychologists, didn’t help. Everyone (it seems) tells me to set goals, make plans to do things, etc. I don’t necessarily want someone to help me get out of depression, I just want someone who can understand my situation.
My husband passed two months ago it was inspected,
I have always suffered from depression and tried to kill myself once,
But this is not the same I feel empty inside and I’m not physically doing anything to in my life but I feel dead inside and I’m just waiting to die so I can be with him people don’t understand between suicide and waiting to die there is a difference People Say in time you’ll get over it but they just don’t understand there is this emptiness of not wanting to go on anymore it’s too much of a struggle to breathe and go on with life … I feel that I’m not here anymore it’s just my body and I’m good with pretending that everything is OK but it’s not and never will be until the day I stop Breathing
I don’t know why but every time I have nothing to do I imagine myself dying.Every moment I spend alone makes me want to end my life,but not actively what I mean is that it’s only a thought I don’t actually want to do it but I keep thinking about it.Example what would happen when I die? Do they cry for me? Do they not care? Sometimes or rather all the time I just want to sit down and read all day even though there is school,going to an Internet cafe to escape life? At least I think I’m escaping it.i don’t know really I don’t need any advice I just want death.Maybe me thinking like that is the reason I always do or eat somethings that are harmful to the body like potato chips or coke not as a snack but as my meal,I think that when I eat enough of those maybe I’ll get cancer or something haha I’m an idiot I know but don’t think of me as unreasonable cause I want to die for absolutely no reason at all Just view me as someone who would like to disappear just like smoke I don’t want to exist neither do I want friends I just want to be nothing.
I have no hope, no passion, no motivation. I’m drowning in the seconds. I hate myself with a vengeance.
I am a 22yo woman, 5’8’’ and weigh less than 100lbs: severely underweight. I feel like a skeleton.
I’m about to graduate with a bachelor’s degree in a majorly competitive field into an unplayable amount of student debt.
Every waking moment filled with pain and weakness. I infect my relationship and tear my boyfriend down. He is going to propose. But how can I say yes to building a life together when I just want to die.
This morning I bashed my head into the wall and asked him to kill me. He pinned me to the ground and shouted, “Never say that to me again”!
I’ve remained silent for the day. But self hatred is eating me alive.
I have anxiety, depression, ptsd, and personality disorders. I can’t stay medicated because of money and time.
How can I possibly keep going?
I want to die, everyday, every hour/minute/second etc. I can’t bring myself to do it though, like i rather wish to die randomly in a accident – murder or other. I just recently turned 17 and i feel indifferent to life – like im in a book that i already know the ending to, yes im young, sure i have a future, no i shouldnt be thinking like this blah blah blah. Im tired, i dont necessarily love the people around me (including family) but i don’t despies them (sometimes) either, as well as this i have a bunch more issues and am seeing someone but their words are just white noise to me. Just put me in a padded room and let me be is honestly a calming thought to me.
Hi Shakira,
I understand wanting to die by someone else’s hand or by accident. I actually wrote about it here: http://ow.ly/MbYo50vf7aM
It sounds to me like you’re very depressed. I know what it’s like to not feel anything — like everything is white noise. It’s depression. It’s an illness. It can get better.
I hope you’re getting help. Like doesn’t have to be like that. Here is some information on getting help: https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
Good luck. My thoughts are with you.
– Natasha Tracy
Exactly same with me …
I responded here back in October and sadly, nothing has changed. In fact, things are only harder…in December I lost my Mom so now I’m looking after my Dad. I’m 56, single, depressed and seriously withdrawn. I honestly don’t see a future for myself and think I’d be better off if I weren’t here anymore. I have no plans to commit suicide but the idea does cross my mind from time to time and about two months ago I felt the need to put my affairs in order. When I die I just want to cremated, scattered and forgotten. I’ve failed at life so what’s there to remember? I had noticed something odd about a month ago, had it checked out and was actually disappointed when it turned out to be nothing. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m tired of being alone and tired of being a failure.
Okay so I am not the only one who wants to be dead but not kill myself. Unfortunately, my youngest son feels that way, too, and I can’t help but feel that it’s my fault. I am 65, we are on Social Security and nothing else, and there’s a lot of awful stuff that I don’t want to go into…My brain just keeps repeating Please let me be dead.
We live in Washington state and I am hoping that great big earthquake happens soon so we all die.
Beutiful.
MALIK AHSAN
What a lovely strong and wonderful person you are. You are going through a really hard time at an age where you are neither child nor fully grown adult (who is independent)
I know you are strong and that you are put on this planet to do good. I am touched by your sense of feeling powerless in protecting your mother. Very hard for a young man to handle this.
I urge you to talk to someone – a friend, teacher or a counsellor. What you are going through is overwhelming. You are a good good person Malik and this time in your life will contribute to the wonderful person you are becoming.
Please draw on you inner strength and cry when you need to release. That is why we were given tears – man, woman, child – to let out our pain. xx You are loved. x
Umm.. What about intentionally consuming unhealthy food in order to fall sick and die?
A helpless man blind from birth
The only one who saw his worth
Didn’t pass him by, He heard his cry
He rubbed his eyes with a handful of clay
Then He said, “Go wash in the pool today”
And the blind man knew that’s what he had to do
You know along the way
He couldn’t help but trip and fall
Each time he got back up
I wonder if he thought
Every step I take is a step in faith
When I can’t see what’s in front of me
I’ll walk on and just believe
He hears my prayer
And when I get there
The miracle promised by my father
Is waiting in the water
I’ve walked in darkness, I won’t lie
Just like that blind man sometimes
I’ve felt all alone, like all hope was gone
I know that His word is true
And no matter what I’m going through
He promised me that He would never leave
I know along the way
I may stumble and I may fall
But I’ll make it to the water
Even if I have have to crawl
Every step I take is a step of faith
When I can’t see what’s in front of me
I’ll walk on and just believe
He hears my prayer
And when I get there
The miracle promised by my father
Is waiting in the water
I know He knows where I am
And somehow this is all in His plan
So until my healing comes
I’ll keep pressing on
Every step I take is a step of faith
When I can’t see what’s in front of me
I’ll walk on and just believe
He hears my prayer
And when I get there
The miracle promised by my father
Is waiting in the water
Hi Wolf, I have gone through the same torment the only difference is I have not lost a child. I absolutely cannot imagine the pain of experiencing losing a child. Please know this, The Lord Jesus has never left you. He is right there with you. Cry, spare not to him. I tell you a truth he does not despise a broken and contrite spirit. Humble yourself before him. Ask him to have mercy and forgiveness for you. Believe him and his word is without error. He does not lie. Spare not to him. Get a KJV bible and find an Apostolic Pentecostal church. Acts 2:38. They will know without you telling them what you are dealing with and when you are called out by the Preacher, go up there to get prayed for… Trust me, hes there, you just have to seek for him. He is your deliverer and your redeemer and your healer. Hes a good God and a Good Father. Our God is One. So be it Lord.
I am an 18 yrs old guy and i have lived all my life happily until one day my dad does his 2nd marriage and when my mother got to know about it she started to fight with dad about why he did this and mind me their fight was really disturbing and ny father even hit my mother and she was jst shocked and after all this she started talking to herself and i think she has become mentally ill. Currently my father lives with us but also goes to meet his 2nd wife sometimes and my mom and dad never talk and always fight. My dad hits my mom and she jst cries and i jst can’t do anything bcz I still haven’t completed my studies or else if i had a job I would have talen her far from him. Everyone jst takes my fathers side and no one stops him. I am jst tired of all this and jst want to dieeee :(
How about the growing number of people who are struggling financially after 50? Other than winning a multi-million-dollar lottery jackpot, we are all screwed. Therefore realistically, we are all screwed. Debt, poverty and the loss of all opportunity to earn a living wage are REAL conditions of epidemic proportions. They will NOT “get better” for us. Bankruptcy doesn’t give us a “clean slate” when there is no hope of earning enough money to live comfortable, healthy lives going forward (much less retire).
So why the obsession with keeping us alive just so we can continue to suffer a miserable existence? That’s sick and twisted. Humanity needs to eradicate poverty and suffering or shut the hell up and let us die – or better yet provide us with a painless way to die.
THAT would actually bring some real progress in assuaging this ever-growing epidemic instead of doling out the same, tired old lip service.
Agreed.
The high levels of poverty that people with SMI’s (serious mental illnesses) endure, and the added stress that poverty creates is almost never addressed in any forums, blogs or studies I’ve ever seen. That ‘s a huge annoyance of mine too, because It has long seemed to me that the socioeconomic plight of just about every homogeneous group of people are studied and addressed except the SMI. That goes hand and hand with the stigma attached to being incomplete and disposable people who do.not.matter.
There is a very successful work support program (IPS) that was developed at Dartmouth College (USA,) in conjunction with Johnson & Johnson in 2001. It has been implemented in about a dozen+ US States & many foreign countries. It is vastly more successful than most State run rehab/employment programs. Yet, here we are…a “mere’ 18 years later, and there are a “whopping” 11,000+/- participants. That IPS program seems to be a pretty well guarded secret in America. At this rate, people with SMI’s might reach their full employment & financial potential by the year 2525.
Why waste money on people who are already such a waste, right? Please forgive my cynicism – it’s been accumulated over a long & difficult life. We can choose to give up…or to fight. I understand your perspective, Realist, and I’ve had my moments where I wished I could just go to sleep and never wake up too, but something in me still chooses to fight. Maybe it’s because there’s a long line of revolutionaries in my ancestry…maybe it’s because one of my adult children also suffers from BPI and medical/social progress remains just as elusive & poorly funded as it’s always been, or maybe my own brand of ‘Fed-Up’ differs for other reasons. Regardless, I feel there is work to be done and I still want to contribute.
Having represented people with disability claims for SMI’s before the highly adversarial Social Security Administration (SSA ) and its co-conspirators in State DDS’s (Dept. of Disability Services,) I have learned a lot about what to do, and what not to do to maximize one’s chances of winning a disability claim, and also how to maximize one’s own monthly disability income benefits. If one is granted disability, there is a plethora of methods and options to boost one’s income post the disability determination. One can even earn monies over the allowable income caps, and set that aside to further one’s education or set up his/her own business (PASS programs,) All those options have no adverse impact on one’s monthly SSDI benefits. Those parts of the available programs are poorly understood, even more poorly utilized, and NEVER explained to anyone by The SSA. (The workers would have to understand the programs first…and most cannot be bothered to learn.)
One of the biggest mistakes people make is not applying for disability benefits soon enough. That is *not* the fault of the person with the SMI. We know the average time to accurately diagnose someone with bipolar d/o is in the 6-8 year range. If a person had previously worked 15 or 20 years prior to the onset of his illness, but was unable to work during the next 6 years of turmoil, while seeking a diagnosis…he has already lost his SSDI eligibility, and lost access to Medicare until the age of 65. He is now only eligible (perhaps) for the pittance known as SSI, and that “marvelous insurance plan” that very few doctors will accept, known as Medicaid.
My brain is filled with hundreds of pertinent factoids about how people with SMI’s can improve their financial plight., both pre & post that disability determination. If you, or anyone else here knows of any blogs or forums where I can share some of my knowledge to help people with SMI’s, please let me know. I’m no longer working as a Non-Attorney SSA Rep since the massive changes made in April 2017 that make it way, way more difficult for people with SMI’s to be determined disabled. Not to mention the vast numbers of people with SMI’s who have been cut off and thrown to the wolves beginning in earnest in 2012.
Let’s have a round of applause for the increased homelessness in The USA caused by the The SSA & State DDS’s who discontinue the benefits of so many SMI people with impunity. Shame on the politicians who enabled them to do so, and their callous disregard of the 3 extra steps required before discharging disability benefits for people with SMI’s. Those steps were added into ‘The Social Security Disability Benefits Reform Act of 1984’ to specifically protect people with SMI’s from being rapidly discarded and rendered homeless, as they were in the earliest 1980’s. Those steps are being skipped over & ignored now. History is repeating itself.
And for you Realist, I would simply add, we have every right to be here on this earth and not be forced to live a life of poverty because we developed a socially unacceptable brain illness. I believe we have to muster up whatever energy we can to fight for our rights – almost no one else will. That’s for certain. Hang in there as best as you can – you are not alone in your outrage. Meanwhile…
“I am no longer accepting the things I cannot change. I am changing the things I cannot accept.”
– Angela Davis
Thank you for your reply and all you have done, Patricia Louise. How tragic that you were stopped by our evil politicians and their systems. I hope I live to see them all removed from power and incarcerated for the rest of their lives at best. I also hope I can be a part of it.
I agree.
Over 60.
White male in south Africa
has no chance.
Considering the only way out to ensure my wife can live a reasonable life
I completely agree. I tell my kids everyday that this is a greedy world. You have to be rich to live a successful life. Me and my son pay 900.00 to live in a run down apartment that has roaches, a stove that’s could burn down this whole building, a bathroom that keeps growing mold on the ceiling and so many other problems. Charging individuals money like this to have a place to stay is just cruel and ridiculous. Price of food is extremely high. Then if you go to these places that help you get free food. They want to talk about you like a dog. They criticized the people that need help getting food. I only go to these places once every 2 or 3 yrs and they put me down like I use them. You should never take a job like that if you don’t have a heart. They say they took the job cause they care but if that was the case. Then they wouldn’t be talking crap about anyone. This world is so backwards it ain’t even funny. Some places you got to pay almost 3 dollars to get on a bus. Alot of people have a hard time living in this world with the prices of things but what pissed me off the most is these snobby individuals who look you in the eyes and tell you to shut up and deal with it. They want to tell you to except it and embrace what you have. First of all its easy for them to tell us to deal with it cause they already have what we need. They are happy and could care less what others are going through. No one should have to live in a world paying 900.00 or a thousand dollars in rent. No one should have to deal with prices so high and jobs don’t pay enough. If these people who say these cruel things to us were in our shoes they wouldn’t be telling us to except it. They would understand how we feel. No matter what this world is stingy and cruel and the poor people are going to suffer more in the future if these outrageous prices don’t drop. These world is stingy and all the mean individuals just want to take the little bit of money we have and the don’t give a damn. This world is all about money and looking good. They could care less about the poor and the people struggling in this world.
But assuming you live in the US, Canada or UK (and if you don’t then my apologies), I would go on to say govt is never going to offer the old suicide booths because people would show up in droves, many of them teenagers with families who love them and whole futures ahead of them. Those like us who are used up and have nothing left to offer will be given leniency. But the real reason they won’t do this is because providing suicides would highlight the tremendous ugly way western society uses up and discards the civilians it deems as useless: veterans, hard-working elderly, disabled people, intellectually disabled, people with genetic diseases, mentally ill… Then it will trickle down to people of color, those of us in the LGBTQ community. So many precious lives decidedly worthless. At first, it would be personal choice, provided the one making the decision on behalf of themselves is of sound mind, which how do you even begin to decide such a relative thing? Then, society would begin pressuring certain people to “go kill themselves”, tormenting them to the point to where they oblige.
There’s a culling going on right now but if the government offered an official way out, then it would have to own the civilian blood on its hands. Meanwhile, it continues to pull resources for the disabled/vets/SSI elderly care/care facilities (which now primarily operate on donations), choosing to pour more money into that already-bloated military, offering the promise to young, naive soldiers that they’ll take care of you for life if you go overseas to blow up some brown people only to have them come back with their minds fragmented and their hearts turned to stone, losing the will to live after seeing what these governments do to their people over money and religion.
Sorry to be so bleak but it’s true. It would be nice if those of us who have nothing and no one left (we exist) and are disabled to the point where we are suffering every day with no peace a way out. But we are left to do it ourselves among a population brainwashed to feverishly avoid death at all costs without considering/addressing the real elephant in the room and that is: Sometimes, death really is the better option.
JD, sometimes, well every time, people way overthink suicide. They overthink it for people like me. Society needs to look at it and recognize that if you’re a mature adult, and you just want to catch the bus, we should be able to, after a waiting period – say 6 months. If you’re still wanting to check out after 6 months, the person should get some pentobarbital, an anti-emetic, and the choice to exit on their own terms. I’ve been in my own personal self inflicted hell for 4 years now, and I hate every day. Tried meds, tried therapy, etc, etc, etc… I’m just not interested in living any more. I don’t feel like explaining or justifying the way I feel to others. I don’t want to continue to deteriorate mentally and physically, while others try to figure it out. I have almost everything you could want, but I’m just tired of living. That’s my personal opinion/feeling on the matter. Does this resonate with anyone else?
Oh yeah! Sorry it took so long to get back to you. I’m so close to another attempt, myself. I no longer respond to the standard guilt-trips or lazy attempts to exploit any hope or sympathy people assume I still have for the two remaining “loved ones” in my life. In fact, the one who has watched me suffer, go through scans, pills, shots and tests day after day for years, while getting worse, has reached the point of saying: “I would miss you but I wouldn’t blame you. I would understand.” All I want is my ability to enjoy things returned to me. All I want is the ability to feel again, -even the bad stuff. I miss crying. I miss being human. The longer I stay as doctors pass me off like a hot potato no one wants to deal with, the more my rejection wound is validated and the less human I become. I have become a heartless monster. I don’t hate anyone because that takes energy I don’t have. I just don’t care. I feel nothing, not for me nor anyone else. These hobbies, aspirations and interests aren’t mine. They belong to the last soul who resided within this body. I have musical instruments and recording equipment sitting around my room, covered in tarps and towels and a head full of memories of a kid who dreamt of being a composer. But none of these are mine. It all feels like someone else’s crap. These people in my life are strangers. I don’t give a fuck if they live or die. This cat is such a sweet little thing. So gentle. A rescue. She just reminds me that I no longer have a soul. I look at her and I know I’m supposed to feel that love I used to feel but I feel nothing. I couldn’t care if she died. I wouldn’t be able to cry or scream, even though I’d be begging my body to let me. I’m not holding back a dam. The whole river is just gone. There’s no water left to hold back. I feel like I would have been okay had I not had that NDE and been forced to relive the most devastating event in my life. Now, is reality. I struggle to even meditate, now. The moment I close my eyes, I just black out. There’s not enough energy getting to my PFC. I’m losing my memories. Whatever BS “lessons” I’m supposed to be learning will soon be replaced with holes in my brain. This whole life was pointless. It was a colossal waste of my time. I’ve promised to try two more treatments. Those are the last two Western medicine has left to offer. If neither of those work then I’m gone for good. Screw anyone who misses me. Just want complete and total annihilation, mind, body and soul. Whatever it takes, no matter how low I have to go, I will end this nightmare, one way or another.
Hi JD,
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through right now. You have eloquently expressed what I’m sure is an incredibly difficult situation that I cannot understand.
I hope one of the next two treatments works for you more than I can say. I hope you’re also seeing a therapist of some kind who can help you through some of what you’re feeling. There are treatment locators on this page (on is for psychologists): https://bit.ly/mental_health_help
I hope you experience something better and soon.
— Natasha Tracy
I’ve tried it all, meds, therapy, alcohol…but the pain remains and I am alone. I have no one. No one who cares and I am just taking space. I wish every morning when I wake up that God took me in my sleep.ive been to every possible place for help and they find nothing. Nothing.
I am not sure people get the pain of aloneness or the need to no longer take up space. Given a pill I would take it in a nano second poof be gone. My only reason for being here is two fold. How it will affect those that I love, though they certainly know I do not wish to be here. I have tried explaining it like a vegetable garden. Every time I no longer wanted to be here, I would force myself to look into my “garden” and pull out a “carrot” travel, marriage children, etc . Never able to make my heart sing, but nevertheless striving and smiling all the way. But now my garden is barren. I also do not want to mess it up by not doing it correctly and still be here taking up space but now I will definitely be a burden. I wish there was a two queues, one where people who just weren’t so into this journey were allowed to leave. And the others who want to live until God knows when given all the support they need to get there.
I just googled “I want to die everyday”. I wasn’t looking for a website or for an answer, I just wanted to say it out loud. But the search lead me here. I understand all of your posts.
I’m bipolar and lived with depression all my life. I’m 43. I remember being in elementary school and everyone commented that I smiled all the time and how happy I must be, but what they didn’t know is that even while I was smiling, all I wanted to do die. I knew I wasn’t supposed to be here and I know that today. If it wasn’t for my son, who was an accident but that I love more than anything in the world, wasn’t here, I’d be long gone. It’s not a sad thing anymore, it’s more like just a matter of fact. Living everyday in darkness. I’m heavily medicated to the point I resemble someone with early onset Alzheimer’s. I can’t remember large parts of my life or even last week sometimes.
So here’s the kicker. After wishing, like many of you, that I could die, not from suicide, but in an accident or from a disease, I got my wish. I found a large lump in my breast and waited six months before getting medical attention hoping it would be far enough along that it would lead to death. That’s the first time I’ve told anyone that and it feels so good. To my dismay, it’s only stage 3 but it’s still possible that it could lead to stage 4 someday. Hey a girl can hope can’t she.
I wish you all the best. Thanks for being here.
I get you, Briana. I always smiled when I was younger, yet I’ve often felt out of place in this world. Ever more so as I entered “the real world “ as I aged. We either chose the wrong soul contracts or they were changed for us. Who knows – perhaps we chose to struggle most of our lives until we just couldn’t take it anymore.
I too am struggling with the thought of leaving “my child” behind (my beautiful dog). I already had a bout with skin cancer. Had it removed (wasn’t destitute then) but haven’t been able to afford my follow-ups for three years or so. I think dying of cancer is a torturous way to go though. Are you choosing not to treat yours?
to start things off, i’d like to say thanks to whomever is reading this comment of mine, i realy appretiate it, i dont expect any answers but i’d like to get my thoughs down someware annonimusly.
first of all I’d like to ad some context to my situation
I’m sixteen at the moment and I’ve passed my entier life in a country and culture foren from my own, my parents are both english, and they bought me up as an english speaking and acting kid, outside of a family context i was tought to behave like an italian, and im fluent in both languages.
I was born just before my parents mooved here, and up until the age of four i wasn’t exposed to italian culture, this made it so that I’ve always been the odd one out, im the weerd kid that everyone likes but no one really wants to hang out with, to add on top of that i live in the middle of the country side, about fifteen minutes away by car from any other human activity, I’ve been alienated my entire life, and up untill recently (when i met my girlfriend) i havn’t had anyone to talk to or truly trust, this has rendered me a very cold and tough person on the outside, and i tend to bottle up emotions quite a lot. the summer before the applicaations i met my girlfriend whilst skateboarding, we became verry close immediately, and we texted almost daly weven when we were friendss, within three months of meeting eachother we started dating, shes been so helpful in the past months and i cant begin to be thankfull enugh, infact the only reason i havn’t contemplated comitting suicide is because it would hurt her so much and i beleve she would follow me if i did so.
Having been bought up in schools here has been extremely hard and for the past year and a half I’ve been applying to schools abroad (mainly in the uk and switzerland), because the italian education system has fixed subjects, wich include too many that im not at all interested in, so i wanted to go to a school wich alowed me to go more in depth in the subject i was truly passionate and good at.
i started off with a school in switzerland ware the one male human being i seem to get along with goes, it’s an expensive school, and my family not being that wealthy i would have needed an enourmous bursary to get into it, my parents would have been able to sratch up 15000$ year tops, a tiny ammount in comparison to the 50000$ the school would have costed anualy, the school said that it was possible for me to get a big enugh bursary and they had me convinced that they realy wanted me in their student base.
simultaniusly to the application to the school in switzerland we also applied to a school in the uk, near one of my grandparent’s houses, to get in there i would have had to get a scholarship, out of all the options for the different scholarships to choose from i decided to go for music (I’m a jazz pianist and ive been playing as long as i can remember), so i applied.
skip ahed four months from the applications and i get a reply from the school in the uk. it was a no. apparently thay only accept clasical music scholars in that school, something that hadn’t been told to me, so all my piano skill was totaly useless. i have a very high estimate of myself, and i always aim to meat verry high standards in anyhing i do, so understandably this news made rather depressed, luckily my amazing girlfriend who i cant thank enugh for being there for me stuck by me day and night, always making sure i was ok, but never the less the news hurt and was extremely demoralizing.
after this event i start to get the idea of going to school in london, wich is the place of residence of my girlfrien, so i started looking, and to my dismay all of the “affordable” schools ther had closed their applications. i still tried with a lot of them and ended up looking at three state schools near to my house in london, my parents set to work and strted to organise for that to be able to work out, unfortuantely my 90yo grandad died shortly after of old age, something that didn’t disturb me very much seing as im not a person that gets attached to people so easily, that made it so that only my 85yo grandma was left looking after the house, still my parents thought they could send me to london so we proceded with organising.
the smae month that my grandad died i got an email from switzerland saying that i had been accepted to the school, but they didn’t specify the amount of money they would give to my faily to help out with the fees of the school. this made me prematurely happy, wich made me crash even harder three weeks later when i got an eamil saying that the school would be available to give me max 20000$ of bursary. i was destroyed, my only hopes were the shools in london.
for varius reasons, still while the down that the preveus schools was hitting me my parents sudenly started to be against the idea of london, in fact thy decided to stop the whole process completely.
after that i continued to go to school every day, but i was contantly hoping that something bad would happen to me, i would cross the road every day hoping that the cars aproaching the crossing wouldnt stop and they would hit me head on and end my misery, they never did. i was aawfull, and on top of that i had tp pretend like notjhing had happened to my girlfriend because he was going thu the strss of A levels and i didnt want to disturb her in any way shape or form, because she wasnt doing so good and most of her grades were below avarge, meaning she was and still is exremely stressed out and i dont feel like i can put any preasure on top of that or else she would snap.
I’m now stuck having to go into a school ware im going to have to do an exra year in comparison to other schools, ware i have no friend, ware the culture is different, I’m wishing for death on a daly basis, the only thing stopping me from killing myself is the thought of hurting my girlfriend. I’m not sure what i can do any more, i have no motivation to do anthing any more, my parents are calling me a whimp because they beleve that i shouldn’t be low about this and that i should just push thru it, I’m not sure how I’d fix my problem or if it could be fixed, I’d like to thank anyone who’s read this far, from the bottom of my heart, you shouldn’t feel obliged to reply but any sugestions as to how i could render my situation any better would be grately appretiated, again thank you for having taken time out of your day to read what i have to say, im deeply gratefull and in debt to whoever you are.
Hang in there Zee. Your so young and have many more years to find out who you are and explore the world. I highly recommend telling your parents, or maybe a school counselor, how your feeling. Going to therapy or a support group can really help. I just put my 15 year old son who was feeling suicidal on an antidepressant and now he is so much better. It may seem like your parents won’t understand, but it could just be the best thing you’ve ever done. You never know how they’re going to react and they might just surprise you. If you feel so bad then telling someone is your best option. All my best to you
I don’t know why I’m posting this. I just feel really desperate and need to vent to the void I guess? I’ve been trying to be positive and read every website I can find that preaches about how amazing life is, and how things will get better, etc. but in the end I still feel so incredibly empty, unwanted, uncared for, and hopeless. Luckily my cousin made plans with me at the end of the month, so I have something to look forward to. I just hope it helps me feel better? The truth is; I don’t want to die. I really don’t, I want to be happy so bad. I want to make friends, travel, and have breakfast get togethers with the friends I’d make. I’m tearing up just writing that because it seems so far out of reach. I hope things get better; I’m trying really hard. I don’t want to die young, I’m almost 19 and I don’t want to spend another year the way I am right now. I really want to get better and be happy. Hopefully I get that boost of hopefulness soon. I hope that everyone who visits this site gets help. You deserve it.
Hi J,
What I can tell you is that hope is real and it is out there waiting for you. Are you getting help for how you feel? Are you seeing a therapist? Are you seeing a doctor? You need to reach out for what you’re feeling to get better. It’s great to look forward to a visit with your cousin, but that’s not enough and just expecting things to get better on their own likely isn’t enough either.
Here is a link with help resources: https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
You do not have to be suicidal to call the main US Lifeline (at the above link) and they may be able to direct you to more local resources for you.
I know you’re still trying. Don’t give up. You can make things better with help. (And if you’re already receiving help and it’s not working, look elsewhere. Not all help works for all people.)
– Natasha Tracy
J, you deserve the help you need too. Do whatever you need to do to feel better. Counseling or medication if needed. You’re so young and you do deserve a chance to feel better. All my best to you
I have been here before…made a few post……….it helps to talk…
Now I know I am only maybe weeks away from being free…….2018…i lost my baby girl……then 2 weeks later my younger brother….the 7 months to the day an older brother……why not me…they were needed very much by their family….. I am not…my baby is gone…all I had was 15 years with her….in a few weeks my wife will be going away out of state……there will be a death in her family …..and I will be alone for a week or so……more than enough time for peace…..when you want to die……..you will.
i have been suicidal in the past and have tried to leave 3 times………the difference ……I just wanted the pain to stop…..I did not want to really die……..now… it is easy….I want to and I will.
Before my belief in God kept me here….but the last year…has shown me that was wrong….you ask God to come into your life……and nothing……….too late…..just too late………Thanks for the post and the sounding broad ……good luck in finding what you seek.
Wolf, you make me so sad. I too lost a child, my one and only child. He was 21 years old. It was Oct 25, 2014 and I saw him laying on the pavement with a sheet over him with all the aftermath of a tragic accident when a car meets a semi truck. I also have the thought I want to die, I wish I was dead all the time. What is there to live for anyway? its all gone and wont come back. I understand, I really do and to have the tragedies that followed is unimaginable. Please don’t do it, I hope you haven’t. I don’t even know you but it would kill my soul for you and your wife. Your sweet child of course wouldn’t want that. You are still here for some reason or purpose. I know you probably hate to hear that, I know I do. It doesn’t matter if its true or not, the fact is you have to stay. I also struggle with God and why did he allow this to happen, why wont he talk to me, why wont he turn back time and make this hell go away? How can I ever live another 20,40 years like ths? I don’t want to.. I tap out! Take me home Lord is what I beg of Him but nothing. You are not alone Wolf, I don’t understand why any of it happens but I know you matter in this world. You will see your baby again and your other loved ones. Its not your time my friend. I say that with a burdensome heart, I know the pain of losing a child and yes I want it to all go away, but you cant give up. You cant end it all yourself, im sorry but that’s not your right. Don’t hate what im saying but embrace it please. You don’t get to do that, you don’t get to make that choice. You are stronger than that, you have a life that you alone are accountable for. YOU will stand before GOD all by yourself, without your child, wife, family and answer to Him, it will be the absolutely most important moment of your existence forever and ever. You know I am right. Find a way Wolf to live inspite or because of what life has thrown at you and stare defeat in the face and say not today! Not today! Don’t give up, your wife needs you, you need to stay, it wont be forever… you wont have to endure it forever, just a little while and accept what has happened and live with joy in spite of it because YOU CAN. much love Wolf, don’t give up.. write me back please
I’m 58. Divorced from a man who admitted never loving me nor being able to love our 2 children as I did.
He spent the last 10 years smearing me with no concern of how it would impact his children.
He fired a gun into a wall to intimidate me. I could have ruined him & his family store.
I want to write my own take (truth) to everyone I thought was my relative.
Hey I hope you are doing better now. Thank you for sharing you story here. You may not realize how impactful it is for a stranger to read your struggle and how strong you are dealing with that situation, but i really want to thank you and say good luck at writing the truth.
I felt incredibly stupid googling “is there a difference between wanting to die and being suicidal?” And then of course your article explaining EXACTLY that popped up, and I don’t feel so dumb. Last year I was diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety, and bipolar 2 (whatever that is). So I’m just now understanding that the way i’ve been feeling for over thirty years, while not “normal”, is at least explainable. I was on medication, but somehow convinced myself to stop. And of course I feel worse. Anyway, all that said, I wasnted to tell you thank you for writing this article. It’s a bit of a relief because while i’ve never been suicidal I constantly have a desire for it to just end and at least another person can relate. Thank you.
I don’t know how things are for me. everything is just perfect and in order. around me there is plenty of happiness and smiling faces of different people but am the only one who is sad within permanently. I love my mom a lot and only because of her an holding myself back but sometimes I feel like nothing can hold me back. I feel lonely and hate myself everything seems to be the same and life is in repetition that I feel tired of living. am in a lot of pain that I want to get rid of it through death. I can’t explain how I feel within but I just feel sorry for my mom, I just want someone to hold me back. I too want to live and enjoy life but I can’t. I hate everything around me. plz if you have anything/advice to help me with. I want to live but I have already written my suicide note and everyday when I make the plan it is my mom that comes to me mind whom I want to do a lot of things for.
Quick question, if you aren’t actively looking for a way to kill yourself, but you are cutting, sometimes wishing that it would kill you, and writing suicide notes, but never doing anything about it, is that suicidal or just “I want to die”?
Putting these feelings into two different camps is dangerous. The amount of times I’ve been ignored by the mental health service because they want to believe I’m not “actually suicidal” has lead to a lot of physical and emotional damage on my part. At the moment I’ve been completely abandoned by the system cause they simply do not care if I live or die.
Well, as a rapid cycling bipolar suffering from constant thoughts of suicide, who just broke up with my gf..
I don’t wanna live or die, really..
Meaning I’m not actively planning on suicide, but I wouldn’t step out of the road from a moving car either.. If someone were coming at me with a knife, I’d probably let them as well..
I know it sounds insane, but that’s how it is
sorry if this is out of place-but having read the fellow soul seekers here-what does the thoughts expressed have to do with the “let’s call it bi-polar” analysis-sounds like alot of us should call ourselves sanePerhaps we can build a Marigold Hotel here in America, or read Richard Bach together-.””Perspective – Use it or Lose it. If you turned to this page, you’re forgetting that what is going on around you is not reality. Think about that. Remember where you came from, where you’re going, and why you created the mess you got yourself into in the first place. You’re going to die a horrible death, remember. It’s all good training, and you’ll enjoy it more if you keep the facts in mind. Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on your way to your execution is not generally understood by less-advanced life forms, and they’ll call you crazy.”” we are not wrong to feel what we feel-
I understand what the author is saying. I didn’t have time to read the comments, I apologize. But I’d still like to leave a comment of my own to describe this is my way too. Because while I understand where the author is coming from there are other ways these feelings come about too, that I think should also be acknowledged.
I have severe chronic pain and multiple diseases/ ailments, medical issues, etc.. Some of the pain I suffer from is constant and stays in their places. Other pains I have/ get come on randomly it under certain circumstances, they can be unpredictable, and they can move around. Those pains can be brief or can linger for minutes to hours to days to weeks or more depending on what the problems are.
When “I feel like I want to die” I’m not in a suicidal state at all. I wouldn’t actively do anything to die. I just feel like the pain is so intense and so miserable and so misunderstood and so under- treated and so exhausting that I’d rather be dead in those moments in time, rather than go through it again and again and again- all my life, no cure, under- medicated (FU to the CDC, FDA, DEA, TRUMP, Medicare Guidelines, War On Drugs advocates &supporters, etc for THAT TORTURE)!
When I’m in heavy pain, but not under heavy attack of the more excruciating spontaneous pains. I’m trying to fake it to make it and make the best of what I’ve got left and I’m not thinking of suicide or wanting to die anymore.
I would never consider myself suicidal. Even when I feel like I want to die, that is a feeling of a means to an end. It’s not a realistic thought out, plotted out, long- existing desire or anything. I have children and a husband that love and support me and I would never selfishly take my life and leave them with the pain and anguish of my purposeful death. They don’t deserve that and I suffer through it all to be here with them. I want to grow old with my husband and see my children grow up and have grandkids and all that stuff! I would just prefer to be able to do this with my pain under control! The government and the war on drugs is making my life a living hell and things are getting so extremely bad now that I fear that there may come a point, very soon, that that switch in my brain could flip and ask the sudden the pain is so bad that none of that matters anymore. I can’t imagine I’d ever feel that way, but as n’t leadin gets worse and worse asks my doctor cuts my medication back every single month trying to protect their license from the government and follow medicare’s new suggested guidelines for prescribing to make sure insurance will pay too, etc It’s making my life a living hell! Worse than hell!
I have an acquaintance that’s a pain management doctor in another state and he is doing the same things to his patients and for the same reasons n’t doctors are doing it to me. Not once had my doctor said their reducing my decisions for my benefit. To the contrary, my doctor makes clear month they’re cutting me back more and it’s ALWAYS too keep up with the recommendations because they’re not going to lose their license over actually managing my pain, even though the signs on their office say “Pain Management”. That’s not right. At all. It’s blatantly clear this is not about treating me and my needs! And that doctor friend of mine in the other state, well he’s lost 5 of his pain patients to suicide and many more have stopped showing up and he didn’t know if they’re dead too or if they’re seeking relief from the streets or what happened to them! This is what I’m afraid I’m being forced to head into too. And I’m so scared! This isn’t patient care, it’s not medicine medicine. It’s patient neglect, malpractice, and it’s appeasing the people that have control over their livelihood. I can’t blame them. They can’t lose their licenses, that doesn’t do anyone any good either.
So what’s the solution? Will this ever stop? The government had made HUGE mistakes here. Junkies lives aren’t being saved, and actually innocent people with severe chronic pain are being picked off by the system forces into deadly and dangerous alternatives. Even if I seek no alternatives, the pain is so severe il probably have heart attack or stroke and due- or become more dependent on others.
Last month I needed help showering and stuff, but I could still wipe my bottom after I pee or #2. This month, with the most recent reduction in my pain medicine, I can no longer wipe myself. So now what? My family can’t afford to stay home with me. I can’t shower alone. I’m going to need in- home care that we totally can’t afford, have to wear diapers which I’m dead set against (I’m still in my 30s!), or risk infections maybe? I don’t think I could stand any of that! None of those options sound good to me. So what’s a person like me to do? And my pain doc already informed me last month that since I’m at such a high Daily Morphine Equivalent that she is going to keep taking a pill away from every 28 days until I’m either down to the 90mg DME recommended by Medicare or until/ unless I’m able to find some kind exemption or something. I’m already taking half of what I was when I got referred to them about 6 years ago. None of that matters. That’s not right either. I’ve made major sacrifices in what I’m able to do on a daily basis and at this point I’ve been returned to being bedridden and incapable of self- care. That should be a red- flag that the guidelines can’t be applied to everyone. Morphine is not a one- size- fits all.
I definitely understand “wanting to die”, I understand it being a fleeting feeling. I’m not suicidal. But I am scared that if anyone’s capable of being pushed there, that I’m being used like a lab rat in their experiment to find out. I feel like they’re going to kill me one way or the other. I don’t foresee living through this even if I’m mentally and emotionally stable enough to withstand it, I really don’t think my body is. The stress of the pain and the agony of it all is going to do me in!
Thoughts on what I’ve said?
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I am going through the same crap you are. I had never in my life, wished that I would die. Until the side effects from chemo for ovarian cancer. Lymphedema and neuropathy
I have a husband and grown children and they don’t understand. Just try to work through it…get up and start slow and you’ll feel better. But I don’t feel better. On bad days my one leg is two times the size of the other with a constant pain that is unbearable. I’ve talked to my doctor (regular family and pain clinic physician) to just give me some pain medicine to get me through the extremely bad times. I told them to look at my chart, I don’t abuse the doses I get. The more I point out how I am responsible with my drug intake, the more I sound like a begging addict. I get so tired. Physically and emotionally tired of feeling I’m worthless. Not a contributing factor in my family. I don’t know what the answer is. I would never kill myself. It just seems so unfair that we can’t have what makes us more able to participate in life. My feeling is even if these drugs end my life early, at least I had a life where at the end, I can smile and say it was worth it. Your not alone. I know that doesn’t make you feel better. It’s just an obvious statement. I truly am sorry you have to live that way.
I read you’re comment and I’m o sorry you are going through it, I am in the same boat, I have severe chronic pain from Gastroparisis, only 10% of my stomach is working due to a damaged vagus nerve from a surgery and I have a inoperable brain tumor which is not cancerous but causes severe migraines, I have been on pain meds for 3 years at a low dose but now the doctors are telling me I’m an addict and they will take me off of the only thing that makes it tolerable even though my pill counts are always correct. The statistics for prescription drug deaths are .001 percent the rest is from illegal drugs but the politicians don’t want to hear facts it gets in the way of their narrative. It’s easier to let the .001 percent suffer so they can get re-elected or get a job as a politician. They can all go to hell as far as I’m concerned, because they are going to put us through a living hell. I wish my brain tumor was cancerous and that I would get cancer or have a heart attack. I long for death like some people long for a beach vacation or winning the lottery. I started smoking in hopes of cutting down my years here on earth, I also have a family and it is hard on them, I still work 40 to 50 hours a week and my wife gets mad at me when I come home and I’m exhausted and need to just chill and try and cope with the pain. She told me one time in an argument that she doesn’t want to be with a sick person and that she didn’t sign up for this, although she said she was sorry and didn’t mean it, once it’s out there it out and it hurt very bad. Even more of a reason to want to die, I’m putting my family through alot of stress. I’ll pray for you and just know you are not alone.
I guess I’m basically going to reiterate what others have said, but I’m definitely this ‘want to die’ person. I lost my husband INSTANTLY to a heart attack 8.5 years ago. I’ve never been the same. I’ve been in and out of therapy dealing with his loss and my depression so it’s not like I avoided help.
But something “switched” in my brain in June of this year. I think I’ve scienced myself out of living. I don’t see the point in being here on earth, in this country / state / city. I don’t see the point of my existence – I haven’t contributed anything to further the human race. I matured much later in life and found my passion when it was no longer possibly to get the education needed to pursue those passions. So, a life is wasted. I did so many things wrong and procrastinated so often that now I’m just taking up space. My health has taken a horrible hit since June, too. I now have fibromyalgia and have all these neurological symptoms that haven’t been addressed yet. I’m hoping to have insurance by Jan 1st so I can see a Neurologist (PCP referred). But this is just a horrible way to live. Physical pain, unstable cognitive abilities, etc.
Here’s the really crappy part: I have two grown daughters and two grandsons. I love them all and they all love me. If they’re not around, which is often, then my thoughts go instantly to death. I have a job that I should love and don’t, I have the schedule I should love and don’t. I’ve tried dating – that’s a joke when you’re middle aged.
I just wish I could find a way to peacefully die without committing suicide. I don’t think I could ever choose suicide because of my daughters and grandkids. While they would be traumatized by my death, I think suicide would just make it worse. That’s a different kind of pain that would permanently scar them.
I have no insurance at this time to seek help, so people like me (those without financial means) disappear in the system. I don’t know if I can hold on until January, but I guess I’ll try …. I just don’t know.
I’m not on here seeking answers. I guess I’m somewhat comforted knowing I’m not the only one living in this hell. Isn’t that a horrible thing to say …. I’m comforted knowing that so many others suffer as I do. How selfish. :(
I just want you to know I understand. You’re not alone. Selfish though it may seem, it’s human nature and we all feel that way. If someone says they don’t, they’re lying. Everyone wants to be understood. Misery loves company. It doesn’t mean we wish this ill on others. I certainly don’t. But I do know that others out there are suffering too, and it is helpful to connect with those who understand. That’s what support groups are all about. That’s what they’re for. You can find support groups without insurance. They’re free. If they’re not, something’s wrong, find another. You don’t even have to leave your house if you don’t want to or you’re not able to. You can find support groups online too! We suffer for those we love. You may feel useless, or like a waste of space, but you’re family doesn’t see you that way. That’s important. You mean something to them. You have a lot to offer them, even if you can’t see all that you do for them, even if just by being there and alive! Think of them when you get to feeling down. Think of your worst heartache that you wouldn’t wish on an enemy, and then do everything you can to prevent those that love you from feeling that anguish and heartache for as long as your body will let you naturally live! As an adult orphan with many children of my own, I can tell you it’s so lonely and miserable oftentimes because I have no living parents or grandparents and my children get depressed they don’t have grandparents either. They’re friend’s grandparents spoil them or spend weekends with them or whatever, and my kids never had that. They’re lonesome for family and elders and they’re jealous of their friends both my orderhas and grandparents and my husband’s parents and grandparents have all passed away naturally or due to cancer, etc. None of them were suicides, but it still hurts everyday. Suicides would have been worse, especially to blind-sided by suicide. I hope you’ll consider what I’ve said when you’re in your darkest hours.
True. I am happy with my life but I am tired existing. I dream about dying in an accidental way so I won’t have to leave my love ones questioning themselves about if they did something wrong. They are innocent. I am just fucked up.
I think one of the reason that I feel this way is because I am already contented with what I have and I am scared that it might be ruined in the future. And don’t want to be here to see that.
in life, we face our biggest fear. in this situation, we have the fear of living. because life to us feels empty. because it feels pointless. we stopped caring if we live or die. we’re all just getting by. every day we wake up with the same old feeling of… nothingness. we wake up numb. hopeless. unmotivated. we don’t fear death or losing, rather living itself. it feels as if we have exhausted all our power, all our breaths and heartbeats, all of our energies, that we no longer care to carry on. we all got families who love us, friends who care, significant other, children.. other responsibilities.. we love them but we are also so drained by what we have living inside of us. this disease. we’ve been great fighters, survivors. we put up a great fight! but that is why we are exhausted. this black hole empty void is stuck inside of us. we’ve been fighting for too long. why do we continue to feel this way? why is it that our brains are wired differently than others? what makes us more susceptible to depression than others?
half of the population may never get it, especially if they were never put in this situation before.
a girl passes, and everyone wonders why and what happened… what made her do what she did? the public griefs.
a girl admits she is not okay. publicly announces what she is going through and cries for help. she is lost and don’t know how to ask for help.. who to ask for help. the society’s response? “the girl needs attention. she is pathetic and only looking for attention. she is desperate.”
I am 55 woman Virginia
Although reading this I maybe between 4-6 maybe
It is still HELL ON EARTH
feel suicidal so much
I feel like I just want to die I feel like I’ve had a brilliant life so far but just don’t wish to go on
Never wanted to get old and always hope to. Go by about age 55 but can’t face taking my life to much of a coward also don’t want the stigma that goes with it I’ve been a world champion kick boxer Andy toured the world with a famous reggae band from U.K. seen most of the world had wicked life but really ready to go wish it was as simple as like when you get rid of a car because you fancy a new one , don’t think it’s mid life crisis as I’ve felt this way for years tried talking to wife and family been doctors on happy pills but it feel like I’m dragging it on for everyone else and me kids but every night I wish I could shut my eyes for the last time. Wish there was a place you could go and the law would except it , I’m just ready to go and think about it all the time but really don’t want to take my life and everyone wishing I had seeked help
Spencer is that really you? If so I know who you are and I hope you find happiness. I’m a nobody and a financial wreck, but you have a family and continue to do great things for so many. God bless.
I go to bed most nights wishing i wouldnt wake up the next day. Im taking medications that i think help, but i still have lack of interests and motivation and then times when i feel fine there is something that triggers it and i feel as low as can be. Im tired of everything, i hate getting up and going to work. I hate that the majority of life is doing things you dont want to do. I feel stuck and not in control and that there is never time for the things i want to do…. i could never harm myself, but i wish i just didnt wake up.
I so feel and think this. ive suffered for 30plus years and it becomes more and more unbearable
My desire to be dead is rooted in a life of people leaving. Whether it be my son’s mom or him in the past year. I’m in my mid 40’s and have older parents are basically in their final years. After they are gone I’m alone for the rest of my life. My sister has her own family and will eventually have grandkids and I’m not really needed. Death would put me at peace at no longer deal with things that bother me on a day to day basis. Thiugh my kid hates me I have no interest in suicide. I have a good life insurance policy thst woild help him in life. Being dead would spare me from growing old and experiencing awful health problems that I see my dad living with today. I’ve seen all there is to see in life. It’s been a fun ride, but I’m ready to get off. As far being missed that’s debateable and I’m good if i wants. I’m just reasdy and nothing can change my mind
Hi I’m Sandy.
I really want to die. There is no place for me in this world. I feel like I am vapour and I really don’t matyer to anyone. The lives of the people that supposedly love me – my family – would be calmer and less complicated if I was just gone. They would grieve for a moment and then they would be fine. There is no attachment or love here just controllers and selfishness.
I cannot handle this pain anymore and I am tired of crying and begging to be heard …
Hi Sandy,
Thank you for leaving a comment.
What you’re feeling is common in people who have depression. I can’t say whether you have depression or not, but I can say what you are saying suggests that. Depression is an illness that can be treated and you can feel better.
Also, please know that no one’s grief lasts a “moment”. Grief, especially when you lose someone to suicide, is a powerful and longstanding thing.
I can understand feeling like no one’s listening. I have spent years of my life feeling that way. But it’s not that people aren’t listening it’s that you’re not reaching out to the right people. You matter and people _do_ want to listen to you.
Here is information on what to do when you feel suicidal (including the hotline number): https://ontario.cmha.ca/documents/are-you-in-crisis/
I know it can be scary to reach out to a professional, but they can help you. You can’t feel better without help so reach out and get that help.
– Natasha Tracy
Thanks, Natasha – it is good to find people who really understand that wishing to be dead is not the same as being actively suicidal. I’ve wanted not to exist for over twenty years, and it seems to be getting worse. There is no particular reason or cause. My life is not hard. I’ve written a story for myself where I am a disappointment and get no joy from life, and am now entirely stuck in it. I don’t feel I really deserve to suffer – in my happiest fantasies I just fade away in the sun along with all memory that I lived. I have children and I love them, I know logically they would be worse off without me so I have to live, but I can’t help what I feel – I just hide my true feelings and just hope they don’t ever feel the same way. I appreciate religion helps many people – I tried but find it impossible to believe. I feel too tired to try to change, plus I don’t know how, and at some level I don’t even want to.
It would really help to have a strategy on how to get rid of a long-term passive wish to die. It does not go away on its own. People don’t understand or take it seriously. It is truly debilitating. If you have any tips or solutions on how to rewrite your brain, it would be great to see them on the site.
I can’t get my life together I am alone and I’m in a no win situation so many expectations of me I can’t win I just want to die. I’ve caused it all on myself and there seems to be no recovering. I’m ready to die but I can’t do it myself. I can’t get out of this town. I’m so depressed I can’t help the ones that need me. I am lost , I’m just here and life is going ion around me. Why am I asking for help?
I feel and hear you. I can totally relate to what your feeling. It’s like you wrote my thoughts out for me.
I’m alone too. There’s this guy tho who seems to be in love with me and wants to be with me and I wish I felt the same but I just don’t. He has so much to offer and I feel almost guilty not feeling the same. And then I keep complaining I’m lonely. Sometimes I feel like I’ve just kinda given up on life. I’ve spent the last year of my life doing pretty much nothing. I’m planning to go travelling other side of the world. See if life has some miracles to offer and I get my joy for life back. What’s really stopping you from leaving your town?
I understand your pain, I’ve had a broken heart but no man or woman is worth suicide! When in a relationship you have to hold onto a little bit of yourself so if it should end your not left feeling empty inside. You’ll feel an absence but not empty. So many people completely lose their identity in relationships. Having said that…Even though you feel alone someone will be devastated by the loss, if you make the decision to end this life. Peace, love and blessings.
I love my partner so much and he is good too but he never trusts me. Somewhere the mistakes are mine also, but not all the time. I can’t live without him. I leave my family, believing that he is with me. But now he wants to move on. At this present time I’m jobless, homeless, friendless. I have nothing to do with this life. I don’t want to be hurt much more. After few days he will marry another girl…..Before that i want to close my eyes. I’m unable to watch him with other girl.
this is really sad reading all of these stories. i believe in God. but if there is not one. suicide does not seem that bad as long as its not painful for you. also if you have a kid that is not cool but screw it. idk i wish everyone could be happy. but that absolutely is impossible. im not going to wish us all the best of luck. just endurance.
My story is different. I love my life , my family ,friends and most importantly my wife and kids. For reasons I wont get Into, I started to feel inadequate. Like I wasn’t enough or not doing enough for my wife and kids. I already was o physical pain that to this day is unrelenting . So I felt I was not making my wife happy physically and emotionally, so I looked into porn to get ideas to spice things up for her. I could never bring myself to actually watch much of anything for 5 years. Well , she found out and has changed because of me. I hurt her so bad unintentionally and its killing me..I no longer have the will to live and have toyed with how to kill myself…I love my family but feel I am a detriment to their health and can provide more in death than I can in life..I’m extremely close to ending it…i dont want to hurt them in anyway but this i feel is the best for everyone
Bill, it’s not best for your wife or children that you kill yourself. My husband and I have been together for 29 years with 4 children. He’s done far worse than look at porn and I love and forgive him. Neither of us are perfect, I’ve also had my short comings. But I could never forgive him if he were to kill himself. We’re stronger together then apart. Finding porn is forgivable, killing yourself is not. I hope you find it somewhere in your heart and mind to forgive yourself.
She’s not going to forgive me….I should of just told her how I felt…I took the wrong Avenue to try to make things better.
I can never forgive myself for hurting her…..my life even though at this time, is over….my will is gone.
Bill I get it. I’m not suicidal but I’m tired and ready for this life to be over. I’ve lived a very hard life. The story that’s been my life experiences are so unbelievable, even to myself it’s unreal and I can hardly wrap my head around the things I’ve lived through but it’s true nevertheless and I’ve often found truth to be stranger than fiction. We all have a story and it’s not all pleasant all of the time. Yes some seem to be more harsh than others but…
Everyone makes mistakes. No. One. Is. Perfect. Maybe you should have just told her but hind sight is always 20/20 and living in the past, serves or helps no one. Communicating to her now or soon about how sorry, broken and hopeless you feel is vital! This world is already filled with myriad amounts of trauma and sadness. Your wife and children need you (even if you don’t see or realize it) and ending it all, indefinitely, is the most hurtful thing to do to your loved ones. I see it as the ultimate betrayal. I’m not your wife but I am a wife, a woman and a mother. I’m just sharing my perspective from those points of view. I hope you change your mind. My heart aches for all of you.
Love, light and blessings.
In a way, I struggle with the same thing. I don’t necessarily want to die, but I wish I never existed. I even hold a little resentment towards my parents (or God if you believe in that sort of thing). I can’t fathom how someone would 1) Gamble with my life, 2) take part in a system where I will eventually die, 3) take part in a system where I will eventually have to watch others around me die.
Sure, I know that other things like love and selfishness play a part in these decisions, but it seems rather reckless. And, I know that at the end of the day, if people stopped having kids, humankind would cease to exist. But, at the end of the day, it is no more different than pre-meditated murder to give a life knowing that one day that life will cease to exist.
I do know some religions believe in afterlives or reincarnation, so that’s partially a justification. But, from the child’s perspective, it is still orchestrated murder in a way.
I live a very happy, healthy, and successful life. But, the responsibilities that I have are not my own. Yes, they are the result of me defining my purpose in life, but I feel — quite regularly — that I would have preferred not existing…not having to make decisions…not having to endure the monotony of life. I find it easy, boring, pointless. But, I am not 100% jaded by it. I’m just hoping that when the end comes that it isn’t the beginning of something else that I want no part of. I may not have had a choice in this life to exist, but if there is an afterlife, I hereby declare that I want no part of it nor any lives afterward.
Every night I go to bed hoping I won’t wake up in the morning. I’ve felt this way for years and every night those hopes get stronger and stronger. My friends and family know I have a history of depression and anxiety but they have no idea what it means or how bad it’s getting. Even my doctors don’t know because I’ve gotten god at covering it just enough that they seem to buy my lies. I don’t want to be here anymore. I’m tired. I’ve failed at everything I’ve ever tried…career, school, relationships…everything. I’m intelligent and educated but am living paycheck to paycheck because I can’t get a decent job. I’ve never been in love and I never will be because no woman would ever want to be with a loser like me. I think things are getting to the breaking point…two nights ago I woke up up at 2:00am and cried uncontrollably for over an hour, begging a God or the universe or whatever to take me. To end this pain. Over and over I said “please let me go” because that’s all I really want. I’m not afraid to die. It can’t be any worse than living. Maybe tomorrow will be the day I don’t wake up. I hope so, anyway.
Hi John,
I have felt what you are feeling many times. I know how hard it is to fight. You may want to read this: https://natashatracy.com/mental-illness/depression/continue-fight-pain-depression/
– Natasha Tracy
Thank you for this. I appreciate you taking the time to share it with me and I hope you’re doing well with your struggle.
I hate this life too. So much. I wish I could cease existing. The thing is, there one person on this planet; the most important person in the world for me, my mom. I can’t cease to exist because I cannot do that to her. I can’t hurt her like that. But i am pretty sure that if I would’nt have her, I would kill myself. I am actually very sure. So i’m pushing myself to stay alive, go through life’s motions. But I hate it. I hate all of it.
The only thing keeping me here are my two nieces. They may be the only people in the world who actually love me and I have to hold it together until they’re at least out of high school. Three more years. I have no plans to hurt myself but the pain just keeps getting worse and I don’t see a way out. I’m not religious but I do pray that I won’t wake up.
I see little point – everything is pointless – we are all going to die and nothing we do will mean anything. I die tomorrow my kids will remember me but they’ll die and then that’s it for me. I don’t understand how everyone cannot see how fucking stupid life is – we are on a ball of rock rotating around a massive ball of flames – it’s mental!
I’m from the UK so I’ll struggle with the God bollocks :)
I may have not have went to school but it does not take a genius to understand that suicidality and “just wanting to die” are both equally self destructive. And i speak from personal experience. I have lived a very terrible life. From start to current predicament. I started as a 6 or 7 year old trying to suffocate myself or drinking all the medications in my house. I had suicidal tendencies all the way until my late teens early 20’s I’m now 31 And I’ve wanted to die almost every day for the past 9 or 10 years. I have always disliked the way the world works. The good people are the food that fuel the corrupt and truly terrible plague of what is considered humanity now and days. Ive come to terms with life. That it doesn’t deserve what I have to contribute. Everything innocent I’ve ever met or had the pleasure of being involved in has either been corrupted or emotionally demolished by how amazing the world is today. Sometimes life just overstayed it’s welcome. Or I overstayed my welcome in life. After so many botched suicide attempts one eventually comes to terms even with that.. I’ve walked down alleys with my wallet hanging out. I stopped working. Gave up on in any chance of happiness. Started smoking ridiculous amounts of weed and cigarettes. I havnt practiced personal hygiene or put clean clothes on for at least a month. I stopped eating healthy. Going the way i am I feel like I’m on the fast track to where I belong. I’m not a quitter. I just want it to end like 80 years faster then it probably will.
You may WANT to die in some fantasy. You have people you can talk to and a resource if you FEEL you may want to die.
Awesome. That is a huge difference when I am some one who wants to die and feels I want to due and have no resources or anyone to talk to…just guilt in not wanting to be a suicide …but also feeling maybe no one will notice.
I want to die too, I drown out my thoughts (because it gets annoying to hear it over and over again) by listening to guns n roses
I know I still want to die, but instead of thinking it an accidentally saying it in public, I just sing along to the music. I also listen to eminem and Rihanna’s monster, and nightcore music (nightcore is a type of dubstep it makes me feel less insane.).
Cannibal Corpse does it for me.
I am grateful to stumble upon this blog post and comments. I want to die EVERY SINGLE DAY at some point. It’s usually work that throws me into these feelings. I hate my job, career path, but I also can’t figure out what I’d rather do. And options are limited unless I can talk myself into going back to school for a different degree. I can’t seem to figure out what the point of life is for me. I feel lost, alone, empty. I have panic attacks. I’ve been on meds for forever, been hospitalized, gone to therapy….. I guess it’s time to seek help again because these meds aren’t enough anymore. And I think I’m getting closer to hurting myself for real this time.
I hope one day you’ll meet god in this world, and feel all the love he has for you. A love so strong that it pushed him to sending his son on this earth to live the perfect life and die the way we all deserve to die so that we don’t have to anymore and can access an eternity with him. But I’m sure you’ve heard this before, I just hope one day you’ll ask him to show himself to you so that you can see by yourself how peaceful his presence is. I promise you if you ask with a sincere heart he will show himself to you. Besides what can you lose from it? you might think I’m silly but please think about it before its to late. What if he could bring you eternal joy and salvation? What if he was the only purpose of this life? Wouldn’t you at least try to know him if I told you he was the only reason to live? I hope you’ll think about it before you do anything man :/ Please watch “the Shack” if you have the time also, its a weird yet well pictured movie. I’m hoping you’ll read this.
I’m not suicidal but do wish for death. I’ve not lived an easy life by any means! I’m not going to disclose the unbelievable story that’s been my life. I live a life of servitude and suffrage. The primary caregiver for every life that’s close to me. Everyone depends on me to hold everything together and I’m tired. Two of my adult children suffer from mental illness, one schizophrenic who is suicidal and one with social anxiety disorder that would rather die trying to live by self medicating. Neither has the capacity to function normally. I’ve sought help from doctors, psychiatry, counselors and local mental health clinicians. No one in the medical field wants to give help to either one of them in the way they need due to the epidemic of addiction in this country! I understand it but at what point does quality of life vs addiction to be taken into consideration? Apparently, NEVER! Why because we’re “poor” though I’ve never asked the government for anything. I work hard not only at holding it all together for everyone around me but I also work hard so my family is not a financial burden to society or the system. This is just a teeny tiny sample of my life. I used to believe in a loving God that cares about his creations. I’ve been on my knees so many times begging our “Lord and Savior” with the most sincerest opened heart, out of sheer unadulterated love for those who I care for and for all of my fellow humans suffering, to make himself known. Grace our lives with his presence and love. Prayers upon prayers… To only feel as though it falls on deaf ears. I do believe that something greater than ourselves exists but not this biblical mythical God that actually eases one ounce of suffrage. The terrible things that happen on this planet isn’t some devil that comes to tempt us, it is us! We’re the evil. We’re the corrupt, we’re the disease upon this planet. I didn’t give up on God he gave up on me. Yes I’m faithless but it didn’t start that way. As I’ve already stated, I’m tired. I am NOT suicidal but have been ready for a long time for this life to end.
Dave do you suffer from any form of mental illness?
Great question, Gi. Dave obviously doesn’t get it and I wanted to tell him to GTFO with the religious bullshit. And yes I’ve watched The Shack GMAFB.
Beautiful, god loves us all
You would never make a return trip to my local hospital. One of the last times I was in crisis, I went to my local hospital where they first forced me to wear paper clothing, then because I wanted to sit in the chair rather than lie in bed, they called in the brain dead muscle and strapped me down while shooting a huge dose of lorazepam in one arm and another large dose of zyprexa in the other. The worst thing was, as you put it, I wanted to die, but was not sucidal. Needless to say, I was unconscious for the next several hours before finally waking and then they send in the counselor. Another time the doctor gave me a dose of ketamine. I had no idea what the hell that was at the time, but he said they were having good results with this method of treatment. (I’m bi-polar, schizo-affective-disorder, PTSD as well as some physical problems such as a paralyzed right hemi-diaphragm, neck and back trouble as well as a shattered heel bone complete with custom screws to hold it together). Anyway, I did not expect to hallucinate so severely, I lost all connections with reality, and it was anything but fun. In fact it scared the living shit out of me. He never even hinted that this would happen. I figured I’d get the IV injection and maybe begin to feel a little better. No meet Jimi Hendrix flying on the purple haze. What an ass. I think that kind of thing should be criminal. So yeah. I just try and get though these times as best I can all on my own.
I understand and agree to Natasha’s view. I too just want to be dead. Some would look at my life at the surface level and be envious. But in my life I find myself being under attack from all directions. Granted there are some who are not looking to specifically attack me; but through their lack of ability to see the bigger picture, I feel under attack. Working in a support role, I have often referred to myself as an astronaut, as I travel to the center of many a universe in a given day. Why, because everyone is the center of their own universe. Fifty five years ago, I was dragged into this world kicking and screaming. 55 year later, it hasn’t gotten any better, if anything, just worse. I am ready to leave and have been so for most of my life.
My opinion on the facts of professionals is hoey. I have been there and ended up in a place where I was treated poorly and I came home more depressed than I was when I went there. I have worked in psych as a nurse for most of my working years and I have not been a very good understanding of what happens. As a patient I was not impressed at all I was on the other side. I have so much more empathy for the mentally ill. I still want to die. When you always seem to run in to disapoitment I have lost faith in people. I can’t trust anyone anymore. I have seen the selfishness of people and frankly I have no appreciation for people anymore. I have given until I can’t anymore and I get slapped in the face . TOO TIRED
Hi i have a decent job. A nice lifestyle and three kids that love me so much. Yet i still feel like this world could atually be hell. Nothings ever really what it seems. Theres always a catch or a twist. Ive tried to kill myself 3 times in the past. I have been on meds for years. I still think about dying regular. I wont try again tho as it wont work. I think we are here in this world to be manipulated and put through hell
Appreciate you articulating these differences so very well, I can relate.
Keep up the excellent work.
Really would like to live but no reason. Don’t worry cause right now I have no choice but to live for a while. Just wish I could find something that makes it a little easier.
For me i feel i gave what i could to the world butnow feel im exhausted people think im strange because itreat everyone equally .it seems there was a purpose in life we have lost the art oftruly caring. So is it wrong of me to just lay down and first time in my life chill. I get the concept now i have no qualms with death.
Me neither man though I give no qualms with life at the end of the day we are the architects.
So I know im scared of death, but I also know its going to happen. I often feel suicidal but I know I would never do it, I love my family but Ive known for a long time its going to happen eventually. Ive seen myself rich as hell, kids , love…but I dont care. I often wonder what im going to do with my life, and it always ends in the same place. I will have a good life and be career oriented with something, but at the end of the day Ill always have this feeling. Im ok with it thoe, the mental health spectrum is changing. If your fisically in pain and emotionally in pain whats the difference…so y should your death be any different. If I get to choose my path, Ive chose it already, most opinions have no merit. Suicide and death are the same, you choose which one you want, but ultimately its the same. whichever way you spin it
amanda,
I like that….I never thought of it like that….that means death can’t be wrong no matter how you get there…….It;s all the same in the end……….dead is dead….[moderated]
wolf
Hi Wolf,
I don’t think that’s true. When you’re in pain, when you’re hurting — and I have no doubt that you are right now — there are ways to feel better outside of death. There are people who can help you. I know that might not feel true, but it is.
Please, please reach out to those who can help: 1-800-273-8255
https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
– Natasha Tracy
Thanks…
Been there done that….not for me….I’m okay…no one is at fault here……we are just talking and letting our feeling out……with no judgement.
Thanks
wolf
How can I make it stop? I just want to die. I mean it’s not like I am depressed or may be I am. I have never understood how exactly being depressed feels. But I just don’t want to live anymore. This life seems so long and boring. I have had problems in past I had to leave my studies work and everything for some reason. But now things are fine I can start over but just my will is lost somewhere. Everyday I wake up to feel energetic trying hard to feel lovely but at the end all these seem useless and I want to die. I have become so comfortable with my depression(or whatever idk exactly) that I don’t want to come out of it. I mean I am not running away from something I just want everything to stop I can’t commit suicide it’s wrong. But I want to die. What should I do?
I am in th3 exact situation right now. I leave my job because I had no reason to stay. But right now I cant commit my self to apply to any job because everytime I have my final interview I will feel anxious and back out. Its been 6 months since my last job. I just want to die. I felt like Im meant to die young.
I go to bed hoping not to wake up. My prayer to god everyday is please end me now.
Depressed…..
I hear you….I have done that for over a year….but I am still here and my baby girl is gone, my younger brother is gone…….but I am still here……I wish I did not believe so strong in God…..otherwise…I would be with them now…………but I still can…..if God forgives me………
wolf5956
I lived like that for many years. I understand what you are going through. I also know what I am going say might mean little to you. It did get better. Today I don’t think about dying (as much) I still have those thoughts, but noting like I did before. Before they were EVERY SINGLE DAY. For me it was being married to someone who convinced me everything was my fault. Convinced me I was the person who was sick. After getting away from them, my thinking started to change. I realized I wasn’t the one who was screwed up. It was her! I found someone else and this person has been very supportive. I hope and pray you can do the same. I hope you can find whatever it is that your missing. And maybe finding that missing piece is why your feeling the way you are.
I actually understood that and agree with it. I’m not suicidal, but I do want to die a lot. Thank you for showing me at least 1 other person understands
I do understand this, as I have done the same most all my life. Just wish it would end already. Gained 80 lbs with Meds for depression, but the meds never helped it. Now the depression is worse from the added weight. Arg!
My sister has been saying she wants her life to be done. Reading your comments helps me realize the thoughts are real. I hope you recognize that it’s not God toying or torturing you, but Satan. The demons of depression and mental illness are real. God loves you more than you love you kids or family and wants to bless you with health and happiness. Don’t be deceived. I pray that all will be well.
I’m 75. First thoughts from age 5 were to stop living, to not be here. Diagnosed with depression at 40…finally. Keenly aware of desire to not be alive, cycles in and out. Nice life, family, home…..still regret waking up in the morning, half-hearted attempts to kill myself. Most recently almost succeeded, still pulled myself back, the only things that help are therapy, quiet seclusion, looking at the sky and trees and watching the birds.
Keep doing those things you say help. They sound good and pleasant.
I have been both. When I have attempted suicide I make a decision that “next time I feel I want to die” I will act on it.
I can feel that way but not going to act …..yet.
It comes upon awakening, this heavy sickening dysphoria. Something is going on during sleep but I can’t “catch” it. I start to feel better around lunch and it’s often gone and I feel fairly normal. Next morning it happens again, probably the last 6 mos. So I know I can get through it. Also I tried EFT and it really helps. I tap and say “please this yuck away from me”. Free and it works!
It may get too much. I may change my mind and act. But I’m the guy convinced I want to die but first thing I do when I jump off the bridge is want to live and try and save myself. That is telling.
For those trying to save themselves, again I have found EFT had positive effect.
My suicideality is more historical than the last 6 mos. age 11 I first acted only as a child can. 15 years ago 3 attempts in 6 mos at age 45. Suicide is always a possibility but since those three attempts I have been able to live in wanting to die.
I have been both. When I have attempted suicide I make a decision that “next time I feel I want to die” I will act on it.
I can feel that way but not going to act …..yet.
It comes upon awakening, this heavy sickening dysphoria. Something is going on during sleep but I can’t “catch” it. I start to feel better around lunch and it’s often gone and I feel fairly normal. Next morning it happens again, probably the last 6 mos. So I know I can get through it. Also I tried EFT and it really helps. I tap and say “please this yuck away from me”. Free and it works!
It may get too much. I may change my mind and act. But I’m the guy convinced I want to die but first thing I do when I jump off the bridge is want to live and try and save myself. That is telling.
For those trying to save themselves, again I have had positive effect.
I hardly know where to begin…, firstly I need to say that you have pointed out a very real condition, in that you have externally articulated something that I’ve felt almost all of my life until recently–wanting to die, even as a child I had so much respect and appreciation for all life including my own, but knew that ultimately humanity has far passed the point of salvage and to honour the Earth and the damage and misery we all represent and as such the right thing is for us to disappear from the Earth. Although intrinsically unfortunate, I would argue that this default state is logical and altruistic to all life in this biosphere, seeing the shameful waste that our ‘civilisation’ has wrought on the world AND itself. The last 2-3 years I have experienced a distinct downward plummet much further from that, perhaps cynical state- recently especially I have felt mentally, emotionally, spirituallt and physically hopeless to some alarming extremes–I believe and ‘felt’ myself, over a time ‘slipping’ into the suicidal, as opposed to just wanting/waiting to die–the increased intensity and danger diligently acknowledged here. I honestly and literally don’t know what to do with my existence, if I had no family I would certainly almost immediately end my life- but with such a loving family, even just imagining or even ‘fantasising’ about suicide, I know how much it would hurt them and I can even theoretically feel their sadness, loss and feeling of such a hopeless waste–which it is but much less of a waste than if I live to old age and especially if I procreate, recycling the next generation of global ignorance and misery to all in its catchment, I believe.
I don’t want to say anymore, even though it has helped (a little) to simply type out these thoughts and feelings, other than it is also ironically inspiring to see and read so many other people’s troubles, hurt, dark thoughts & feelings, and yet inspire of these biblically ominous odds- here we are.
Godspeed to all & may I be so bold as to emplore anyone reading to try as best you can and as hard as it is day after day, to rekindle the life-love inside, for yourself first and hopefully radiating outward to your nearest and dearest- dare I say even remember and relite happiness and may we somehow see some of the light, before it’s our natural time to go see the real big one…
Crag,
I hear what you are stating and agree with most of it……..mankind as a whole ….well he’s just evil…..we can’t get along……name calling and words hurt more than the bombs…….and man just keeps killing off the planet with his deeds ……..That said …..what I disagree with is……….wanting to die…..is beyond suicidal and much more dangerous…….suicidal…..you don’t really want to die…just stop the pain…….but wanting to die….really wanting to die……there is no spark of live…..the desire is gone….and most of all what anyone thinks or how they will feel when you die……does not matter…..you have come to a peace about that….they will be okay.
There is only one reason why I am still here after 19 weeks,4 days and 12 hour…..since my baby girl died…….and that is I believe in God and I want to see her again………..but I am not doing too well and I hope God can forgive me if I leave before I should.
Hi. I am a 30 yr old male and have been experiencing depression for as long as I can remember. As a child, I always tried to stay away from people because I felt disgusted with human nature and figured I had better ways of doing things. I tried to remain as alone as possible and succeeded on the most part. I still avoid people. My loneliness has become my temple. A couple things are different in my current scenario, though. Firstly, I feel the desire to die almost every day and night. Secondly, instead of throwing the blame game at people that I probably don’t even know, I try to remember that we are all partially products of the atmosphere’s that surround us. And there are soooo many atmospheres that the count could likely go up past the billions. It’s not like anyone volunteers to come into this world. All it takes is a “big bang” and a new life is born. Whether that life winds up becoming a virus to this world or a maintainer, again, is partially rooted in our atmospheres. Like, obviously, to some extent or another our free will can have a part in this too. But when your world is turned upside-down without the need of any input from you…it can start to feel like life is a is an unjust punishment of some kind: Why am I overweight? Why did God take my family away? Why am I alive if we all just die anyways? Is life the end of the road? What is my purpose? I’ve noticed that feelings of loss, fear of death and fear of life can often have an impact on whether a person wants to live or not. I go through all of the above from time to time myself. My arms are getting very strong from digging holes. The problem is I traded most of my spirit for that muscle and the digging has become a most addictive security blanket. Regardless of my lack of faith, I still manage to find distractions to bring me out of the spells every now and again. Sometimes a good enough distraction for me is to know that there is nothing I can do to change the past and for every day that I suffer, there can instead be a day where I make small improvements to my psyche and whatnot. Why can’t today be that day? I mean, if a person is able to fall downhill, then, surely climbing back uphill isn’t impossible. Is it? Change is always in the making. It is always swinging into action whether for better or worse (and whether you notice it or not). Now, if only I could convince myself to believe my own bullshit, I might make a little more progress….lol
John B,
They say we can only change if we really want too………now that id bullsh t……..none of us want this pain….and we know a little change would help us……butt we don’t know how……meds—no……Doctors–talking to someone that really does not understand—no……sometimes we find our own way…..but most of us don’t…….
I think of it like being in a sea of despair ……swimming toward an Island of hope…..we sometimes go under…but continue swimming toward that Island of hope….some do make it……but then there are those of us…..that sink to the bottom….like me…and still we crawl along the bottom hoping to still reach that island of hope…..but we all get so tired we just want it to stop….just stop………….
I was suicidal in my teens but didn’t want to die. I went through a life of pain yes, and my brother, along with my best friend & lover, both committed suicide when I was young. I should have too. I now want nothing more than to die. It has happened over the last couple years. My story has a strange twist though: my last attempt at living again (the last one I want to make) was to make a family with a nice girl I met. Best woman I’ve ever been with. We had a daughter who is almost 3. She gave me new life like nothing I’d ever experienced. I bonded with her from birth and devoted my life to her.
After a while I started to get the sinking feeling that, despite her and her mother needing me, I will certainly ruin their lives. I’ve lived in terror since my daughter was born that I passed on my curse to her. I have bipolar disorder, depression, personality disorder, anxiety and mathematics disorder. All fairly severe. No psychotic episodes or schizophrenia. My problems and the way they effect me together with each other, make life a living hell. The older I get, the more clearly I see all the ways in which I’m not right, and the more I retreat.
I wanted nothing more than to be there for my daughter and family but i secretly don’t think I can make it. I think, besides passing on the curse genetically, that I will damage her beyond repair. I destroy everything and everyone around me. Methodically and efficiently. Not on purpose. I genuinely don’t know how I made it this far and am afraid she may not even do as well as me.
The places my illness has taken me to, both literally and figuratively, and the things I’ve seen…worst of all the things I’ve done. The people I’ve hurt. I don’t know how I’ve beared it for so long and many wouldn’t survive the pain and remorse. This is not a self compliment on my part, but pure and honest bewilderment. If I believed in heaven I may have ended things long ago.
So I don’t want to destroy their lives. But my daughter’s mother has depression of her own, and other issues. She will NOT do well without me. Losing me would be devastating to both of them. But I can’t see a way forward. Treatment is something I desperately wanted but my problems are so severe it’s difficult to communicate with other humans as much as I need to in order to: do all the myriad of things necessary to keep SSI, Medicaid and Medicare, establish primary care physicians, dentists, a therapist, etc. Shrinks are the hardest of all. I was diagnosed with Depression at 8 years old. So I was forced into therapy as a child. Went through a lot of stuff. I have serious trust issues with shrinks. What do I do?
Dying in Oregon,
I hear what you are saying……….but no one can tell you what to do….we all suffer this hell on earth pain of despair …..and we each must find our way……I have given up on life…I am not suicidal….I just don’t want to live anymore……I was suicidal years ago and tried it 3 times…….they brought me back from death the last time……the thing is at that time …..I did not really want to die…I just wanted the pain to stop…… but now I can not handle it…….I just lost my baby girl 19 week, 1 day and 8 hours ago….she was 15 y, 2mo and 11 days old……she was my life……she was my all ……..I miss her so much it hurts so deep…………Then a week after I lost her….I lost my younger brother to the big C……..I had wished it was me….it would have been perfect…I would be with her now…..an my brother would still be with his kids………… .sorry,,,I am ….wait…. sorry about that , i lost it for a little bit……
My point being, I was glad I was there for her, in what little time I had with her…..sometimes I think maybe she would have been better off without me there…..maybe someone else would kept her alive longer…..i will never know now………I do believe in heaven and hope to see her again…..if I can just stand this sea of despair …..I use to look for landfall to save me…..but now all I am doing is waiting on the bottom of the sea…….for death….so I can hold her again and see her…..but it is so hard……my wife does not understand my pain…..her belie is that she is in a better place and we will all see each other again one day…….I miss her too much and it hurts……so bad.
you sound like you know what is wrong and feel there could be help in meds some day……so knowing that…if you daughter will have something like what you have……..you could be a great help to her…to get the right meds or help….you see how these doctors work….find her one that will help and understand…..what she needs , if that is the case……in short you could help her be way ahead of the game………you know what it feels like….you understand the pain……..she could trust you most of all.
“What do I do?” Only you can know that anyone that tells you different…..they have not been there…..like all medical people….they really don’t understand the pain……and the pain is different for all of us in this sea of despair…..some can take more than others…..and some can not.
You alone know your pain………..
I always wanted to get in a group…to be with others whom felt the way I do……but the doctors didn’t think that was good for me……now it is too late for me…..I wait…in pain…..for peace….and my baby girl….. May God forgive me if I can not……
You want to live because God blessed you w/a good life. That heathen fuck has made my life hell since the day I was born, and I curse him out every day because of it. I was the victim of two car accidents, which I wish had killed me. Subsequently I have serious health problems from those accidents and since I can’t afford insurance, every hospital/doctor I’ve been to has essentially said “Fuck you, now go suffer and die.” I have no interest in dating anymore because women today will break your heart just for kicks. Attempted suicide six times over the past two decades but since God likes to torment me, they’ve always failed. So now I smoke cigarettes constantly and drink heavily because I know eventually I’ll beat God at this game, fuck that POS.
Jesse,
I never thought anyone believed like I do……I do know what you mean……we are blessed with life and a belief in a compassion God……but then when we need that….there is nothing.
I have always believed in a God and I have prayed to it……but I don’t feel any hope or forgiveness…..I have at times though he must be evil…….
I lost my baby girl 18 weeks,4days and 6hours ago……she was the light of my life and now nothing…..no hope …..no desire for life…..no God…….just despair……
I was suicidal years ago, I did not want to die ….just to stop the pain….I tried times……they pulled me back from death the last time…..it was peaceful…….all I got was locked up in a crazy ward…..such assholes…doctors….
but now I just don’t want to live, I want to die and have no desire for life…… and I know what not to do..
I have let go of the anger and now have control to go when I want…….and you know why I don’t say more
Thanks for voicing that. You hit it on the head. The fucker doesn’t give me the strength and courage to exit this world, BUT then toys with me and tortures me with awful, tragic things. Worst of all I’m being robbed of time with my wonderful son. HE IS THE ONLY REASON for me to be alive. And like i said I’m too chicken (gee thanks, “God”) to make any plans. The most I’ve done is read up on methods and discovered I can go down to Mexico and get phenobarbital (i’m in Texas). But will I ever do that? No. Why? I am STILL protecting my asshole extended family from having to find my body. They totally deserve it since they know what I have been going through and do not give a SHIT. Selfish fucking degenerates. My life is a series of doctor trips and trips to the pharmacy for pills that my retarded psychiatrist can’t seem to get to work.I’d like to take that motherfucker down with me. Totally useless. I HAVE TOLD HIM I would prefer to be dead and he just sort of nods. Even ECT did not help me. Oh, aside from wiping away parts of my memory.It’s outpatient, by the way. I have never been inpatient but would love to as long as I couldn’t hear ANY screaming.
All, do NOT have ECT. There is still something barbaric about it, and it’s always at a mental hospital where you can hear deranged patients SCREAMING while you’re waiting for your ECT session. So, it doesn’t work and feels so scary. You’re laying on your back and the anesthesiologist is sticking you (yup, you have to go to sleep) and you can hear the heart monitor and then they put oxygen on your face…I mean, you feel like you’re getting prepped for surgery. And nobody can be in there with you…not that the shitfucks I call “family’ would do that anyway.
If would have kept doing it ONLY if I could guarantee I’d die on the table.
I envy you that you had the guts to at least try. I’ve never so much as picked up a razor. I’m not kidding: I want to be put down like an animal. Have someone do it for me. Sedate me with those dreamy drugs like I had for a C-section. Then bring it home and kill me.
Anyway, that monster that causes all this? We’re in a game of chicken that of course it will win.
I have the same sentiments about psychiatrists. A bunch of goofballs who simple prescribe barbaric treatments like ECT, anti-psychotics and ADs, which mess you up even more. I had everything, an a good mind, until I tried these treatments. They fucked me up so badly (e.g. PSSD, emotional numbing, cognitive damage), that after 2 years without taking treatment, my brain and body are still damaged. Far worse than before I got depressed. Everyone, stay away from these poisons. I was a high functioning adult until I took ADs for depression. Now I am a bumbling basket case who wants to die even more than I did when I first fell ill to depression. At the very least, ask the doctor prescribing your ADs about PSSD. Let that be your guide to just how much you can trust their judgement.
All most every day i wish i was dead .My only child died .There is a long tale of my narc mother …I only realised shewas a narc after my beautiful child died .. I am left guilt ridden ….I am not suicidle As i would no longer be here But i wish with all my heart i was dead and could be with my beautiful girl
Christine,
I too, lost my baby girl, just 18 weeks, 1day and 18 hours ago, she was 15y,2mo and 11 days old….she was the light of my life…..I have no lust for life anymore…it has no meaning, no desires. I am not suicidal ( been there 20 y ago),But I do not want to live….and I know that I don’t have to live…….and I know I can end it when I want too.
Anyone I leave behind……I know in my heart they will be okay…sad that I am gone …but okay.
The difference from when I was suicidal ( 20 y ago) …..is that at that time….I did not want to die..and I tried 3 times..the 3rd they brought me back from the peace….I just wanted the pain to stop.
I want to die now…..that’s a big part of the battle to stay or go…..and I am very at easy, I don’t rant and holler or get upset.
I do believe it is not the same for all…..but also most suicidal people really don’t want to die…just stop the pain……..
That is why I believe wanting to die and I mean really wanting to die………puts a person much closer to death than just being suicidal, suicidal you want to life…just stop the pain.
We all face the sea of despair in our own ways ….and those whom can float and make some firm landfall…..Great
but then those of us whom end up on the bottom of the sea…can’t breath ….and it has been a long and hard way down ….there is nothing left …no hope…..no desire for anything…….nothing.
I hope and pray you find landfall
can I ask something?
did she die because she committed suicide or
did she die because she was really sick
sorry to say but : can I please have the truth
sorry for you lost
hope you are ok
breah,
Why would I lie?……… She died because she was sick…tumors… if she had killed herself…I would have followed to protect her……..the only reason I am still here…..is that I believe in God…..and I want to be with her more than life can stand it ……..23 horrid weeks ago tomorrow I lost her….I wished I did more or did things better…maybe she would still be here…….if what happens…….happens…may God forgive me.
after going through my depression and ocd and trying to kill my self once when my ocd got very sever , now nothing is like before although i’m better now , but i always have these thoughts that i have missed alot of things because of depression and ocd and that i am so late and behind what i thought i would be and do in life by this age “i’m not old by the way i’m only 26” but i was expecting more , but these things affected my success and faith and believe in my self , i hate my self even more now , and there is absolutely no one to talk to about this “anyone would just tell me youre making a big thing out of nothing and its not that hard and youve seen nothing yet”… now that i hate my self so much and i dont really know the method that should be followed to love my self , i think of death so much and i always picture my self sleeping there in peace … sometimes i think to myself saying ” it feels like if i had another hard time in my life that might be a trigger to actually execute the thought of death ” … the thing is i dont want to give up and i dont want to make my loved ones disappointed about me nor sad , but i just dont trust myself anymore on not doing it….
someone,
You sound like you are between suicidal and really wanting to die……more suicidal…because you still want to live….you care about what your loved ones think, you still miss things in life…that you feel are passing you by…you don;t want to die….you think about death and peace….but your desire for life is still there and very strong .
I think of it all as a sea of despair and when we get here we float and fight for life beyond the pain…..seeking that landfall that will make us safe……..you are still floating and seeking that landfall………..then there are some of us that starts to sink…and life’s desires are not as strong…….the lower we go….the farther from life desires we go…..until we hit the bottom of the sea of despair………that is where we truly want to die…not suicidal…but want death….no desire for life, no faith, no hope…..
Keep floating and fighting for that landfall………
I’m not in enough “pain” per se, to logically want to die. Nothing is so bad in my life that I feel that logically it’s worth dying over. I just constantly feel emotionally, spiritually and physically tired. I’m just done with life and over it. I know that I could do better and make my life amazing. I just don’t WANT to. I don’t want to live anymore but not because of anything in particular. I just feel like I’ve lived my life and it’s time to move on. No one understands this and deems me depressed. I just don’t want to deal with life’s bullshit anymore. Why is that a crime? Why do people feel like EVERYONE’S life must be saved? Why do I need to endure this earth for one more day because YOU feel my life is so important? This is how I look at it; if I don’t want to contribute to society anymore then I’m wasting valuable resources, space and time. What is the point of remaining on this planet in this case? I’d rather a person kill themselves (ONE PERSON) than to get so fed up that they kill numerous innocent individuals plus themselves. Losing that one person is the lesser of two evils. Not all lives NEED to be saved because society says so. Waiting for death to come naturally is taking way too long. I’m using the rest of this year to enjoy my friends do what makes me happy and then next year I’m out. I’ll make my own expiration date.
That being said; I do wish peace for those of you who feel suicidal but still actually want to live. Life is beautiful and if it’s not for you now… it can become beautiful. I wish the best for everyone. Live your lives the way you want to don’t let society dictate what’s best for you. Look deep within yourselves and ask yourself these two questions: 1. Is what I’m ready to kill myself over really worth ending my life? 2. Do I have the desire to make an effort to fix the issues in my life?
I say if you can fix your issues with medication or help from family and friends please try. So many articles on suicide tell you to think about your friends and family and how they will feel when you pass basically guilting you to live for everyone else but honestly, you need to live or die for yourself. Everyone means well but in the end they don’t live in your body, they don’t live in your mind, they can’t endure your spirit. YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF AND ALL THE THINGS THAT MAKE YOU, YOU. Make your decisions with the best intentions for yourself and your wellbeing, not just because you want to escape. Remember your stuck with yourself in life and death.
Well……I don’t believe that, sorry….but I believe Death is a release from this world and the pain that is here………..now that does not mean there will not be pain in the next world…….I believe in God…..so we could be or will be punished in the afterlife……….but sometimes that does not matter in the here and now….the pain is too Great to bear.
PERFECTLY said.
Thanks Valerie,
Doctors or medical people would never understand that.
And I know what you mean when you said you are too chicken to do anything….All the people I have ever dealt with call suicide “a cowards way out” they fully do not understand…..the why and reason and know nothing about the “guts” it takes to do something like that….so how can they help in anyway….if they do not understand the pain and the reason……Doctors…..just useless…….like Jesse said……..give them money or go die.
Your son gives you the reason to keep living…..hold on as long as you can………..I lost my baby girl 18 weeks,5 days and 6hours ago…….and it has been Hell on earth….she was my everything…I only had her for 15 years,2 months and 11 days…….but I miss her so bad…..I want to be with her………
I am not suicidal….I just don’t want to live…..no lust for life….no hope of peace here…….just the pain…….
I know I can go when I want………………..I just want to be able to see her again…….
No……I think that is wrong….most real suicidal people don’t really want to die….they just want the pain to stop!
When you want to die…really want to die….you know there is no other way to stop the pain.
I have been there….3 times ….suicidal I mean……..first 2 times I was stopped by force…..and locked up
the 3rd time I made it ….but was found and brought back into this world…….the darkness was peaceful.
But each of those times I really did not want to die….I tried to get help, pills, talking…..none really stopped the pain…….but I really did not want to die.
So when you really want to die………you have lost the lust for life and you are in greater danger of a successful suicide.
you don;t seek help, you don’t want help…..just understanding
Trapped. Jobless. Going to professional is beyond affordable. No one understand this kind of state
Thank you for this article. I can totally relate. I’m a 45yr old nurse. Bipolar and borderline. I’ve been suicidal in years past. I just recently had another episode where I just wished I would die. But more than my desire to die is the fact that I never want to hurt my children again by attempting to end my own life. That desire, even if you know it is temporary, can hurt so bad and you feel trapped in your own mind. I had one of my roughest weeks and I am so thankful to my psychiatrist and therapist. Yesterday my psych was going to see me emergently but a snow storn prevented it. He actually called me himself while I was at work to check on me. Just having that support made me feel so much better!
I am 16 years old and for a long time I have had little to no fear of death. I do a lot of dancing and it’s this that I want to form a career in. I wanted to do ballet but I’m too small and can’t loose the weight no matter how much I feel it should mean to me, I can’t leave as I can’t bare the backlash it would have on my relationships and my pride (watch as the people with me achieve what I wanted) so I am doing contemporary, an art form Im starting to hate but it’s my own goddamn fault. I am pressured constantly with the obsession to loose weight from my family, teacher and myself but I love to eat and let myself of the hook even when I know I will be faced with the unbearable guilt of letting every one down. Recently, a big part of what was keeping me stable under all the pressure, a singer i loved committed suicide. It was very painful and sad but not like loosing a close loved one I thought. But, I have started to think about death more and more, I think about going to sleep and never waking up again I welcome the idea of dying, it’s almost calming to think that there is a way out. I’m lonely but push people away because it’s too burdensome to build quality relationship with them. I have written a suicide note……..I’m confused because I don’t think I’m depressed. I just would very much not mind dying if the opportunity presented itself. Not breathing at all is better than the impending hell that is the start of the new term. I don’t want to reach out to family or professionals because of the trouble it would cause, I don’t want to go on some medication (I don’t want to be stopped if I feel like ending it all) I don’t want to get help to stop feeling this way….
I think you may well be depressed and it’s amazing what talking to someone, or taking medication can do. It can really help you see the wood from the trees. Don’t give up. Xx
Hey im 17 and just what you wrote, and wow.. i could relate to every single word.. I mistakenly opened up to my dad and that lead me to being hospitalized for almost two months now.. nothing helps.. treatment is just a word they use to get you into the hospital.. stay true to urself
I’m 26 and I have been depressed on and off for about 6 years. I have episodes multiple times a year especially during the winter end holiday season. Holidays aren’t the same anymore and I lost my aunt who raised me (so she was pretty much like my mother) 5 months ago. I’m still grieving snd literally fight back tears everyday. I have no desire to go to work and sometimes I just want to quit my job because I just don’t care anymore. Lately I’ve been feeling like I want to die which is typical when I’m having an episode. I usually think about overdosing and drowning. My bf got me a pistol for Christmas so lately I’ve been thinking about shooting my self but I never have the balls to plan suicide or attempt it. My daughter is 8 and she is going he reason why I push through, I couldn’t imagine leaving her here by herself.
please dont leave your daughter….YOU ARE THE ONLY MOTHER SHE HAS AND WILL EVER HAVE…LET HER BE THE REASON YOU FIGHT AND PUSH…SHE LOVES YOU! SHE NEEDS YOU!
I think if I could do exactly what my sweet adoring wife did 11 mos. ago the 28th. Very content happy, healthy and went to bed and never woke up, autopsy showed nothing wong with her entire healthy beautiful body. I am so lost and besides myself.She 57, me 53, we were a soulmate couple that were hoping to grow old together and embrace it all. I just want to sleep to my death, as she did.
Have thought of suicide but would never do it out of love for my wife. Do very much wish to die soon however due to a persisting frustration about not being able to reach my potential and generate enough income. Had a mild stroke several years ago and my focus, stamina, motivation etc. is inconsistent and become overwhelmed with expectations and tasks to be a producer. Also I am repulsed by the aging process and do not want to be a burden on anyone. My wife deserves much more than I m able to provide anymore so a quick relatively painless stroke would be my choice for death anytime within the next year or two. Now having said all this, If I begin to be more productive and a better provider for my family this will forestall the death wish but will not take away the absolute repulsion I have for aging and being a burden that needs taken care of physically and mentally.
Agree – having constant thots of dying, but not being suicidal, is imprisonment. Separated and wasted my whole life trying to make a few bucks, now stuck. Just a slow and agonizing existence. Would miss my 9 y.o daughter the most. She’s everything that makes my happiness. She is why I stay.
Well, this article did absolutely NOTHING for me! What a waste of time reading this USELESSNESS!
I’m 15 lonely and overall useless my grades are beyond repair my parents don’t care much for me I’ve been depressed for 5 years I got put on meds when I was 14 for depression and anxiety started
On 5 mg now I’m nearing 35 and still nothing works i was bullyed until started working out and beat up anyone that would mess with me I joined a group of “friends” that you could call “thugs” “drugys” “hipster”
And that went to hell I’m switching schools in about 2 months if I make it that is as you can tell I don’t know how to write properly I mostly just sit in my room for 8 hours a day and the rest is eating and going to the restroom and my dad is gone all the time his shifts are 40-5 he works away from the home and my mom is well how can I put it nicely a self-centered mother she often yells a lot and my brother and my sister do the same thing so I just lock myself in my room and I leave the house for school and nothing else I tried to get a girlfriend to make me happy but that never worked either I’m not ugly looking or anything but I guess I’m just not very social and such and I’ve been thinking about killing myself I’ve been caught cutting once and for that all my knifes were taken and such I don’t know how to feel I don’t feel human and I have a weird mark on my right hand I have no idea what it’s from it just was there one day I didn’t think of it much easier to not worry about it I have rope and yeah thats all I have to say people tell me I’m selfish for wanting to end my life and all I have to say is fuck you
Honestly I’m only 16 years old and have never felt so lonely in my entire life. I feel as though I have no true purpose in my life. Don’t get me wrong I have some people I could call a friend in my life, but it is as though I have no one to really turn to. Its as if I’m alone in my own life. For years I’ve been thinking “What’s the point?”but I’ve never been bold enough to end it all. At this point in time I don’t know what I’m still alive for.
I think to myself at least several times a day I want to die. I’ve gotten really depressed over the last year. I never had many friends, but I always had something I was working towards. But I’ve realized I haven’t got a single friend. Not one person I can call to just get a coffee with. And somehow, especially the last few months, I feel completely unfulfilled with my work. I can’t get myself to bed, and when I do I can’t sleep without pills from a doctor. I live in a foreign country and don’t know where to turn for help.
It must be really hard being in a foreign country. I too feel like I have no friends to ask out for coffees and such and it gets pretty lonely just existing. Something or someone will come our way though, it will probably be unexpected, or maybe we need to look in different places for friends. :)
I hear you. Most nights I go to bed hoping that I won’t wake up, but I will never have the balls to off myself. I do well materially, but emotionally I’m so screwed up.
I have minimal self-confidence & spend my whole life on the outside looking in.
I’m 48 and have wanted to die for more than 30 years now. I’ve been suicidal but the thought of putting that stigma and pain on my daughter stops me. But I wish I could die. She’s get my insurance, get over me, and move on with my wife to a brighter future. I despise those people that tell me I’m childish or selfish, mind you I despise lots of things. But include them on the list. There is no correct way to cope with this, and Dr Phil responses are less than useless. I am by all accounts a polite, respected, and valued work mate, and my wife loves me and does very well, when I’m at my worst, to help. Which makes it worse. I want to die when I have so much going for me? What kind of jerk am I? I’m an imposter at work, I ahte myself constantly, have no real friends and just sleepwalk through life. I keep waiting to get more comfortable with things but it keeps getting worse
How do you cope???? I need to know. Im scared, its just getting worse with every passing day. I’m 22 years old. I dont have alot of friends, but i have a family who loves me… I feel like a disapointment, a failure… I’ve been having suicidal thoughts since my teenage years.. I feel like if i die it would be better for anyone who knows me.
I’m 20 and feel the same as you.
Cameron, I feel the same way. I’m 34 and I’m so depressed. I hope to die almost daily. I too have a family that loves and supports me. My wife picks up the slack when I’m down, but I never talk about it with her. She just knows I’m struggling and does her best to lift me up. How can I be this way when I have awesome kids and a wonderfully supportive wife? I sit at my desk so often at work being unproductive. I can’t stand myself, but I feel this overwhelming responsibility to stay, and not end it. So I am here, in pain, trying to endure.
Cameron…
I have more to say, but am too exhausted. I just thought I’d let you know that I could have posted the same words (and am the same age to boot)… Life is routine and mundane for me. Being a nice guy has hurt me more than helped and I can’t stand most people anymore (not that I ever could). I too don’t want to be childish or selfish. I often feel like I’m “fooling” everyone at work and that they don’t really know how incompetent or stupid I am. Sounds funny to write… I’m gonna stick it out for now and see if I can’t make change instead of waiting. But otherwise… it’s nice to hear I’m not the only one.
I’ve been depressed and having feelings of wanting to die since my early twenties, I am 46 now. Chronic pain and peri menopause only increase these feelings. I’m on medication for anxiety and depression but nothing ever really takes away the feeling of just not wanting to be here anymore. I’ve done therapy, acupuncture, talked to friends, doctors, etc. I don’t know why I’m like this. I wasn’t abused, I have parents who love me, friends, a job, etc. I feel like telling anyone this makes me sound selfish, ungrateful and melodramatic. I am in a relationship with someone I know loves me but deep down doesn’t understand me at all. He’s foreign and comes from a culture where my feelings are considered immature and self indulgent. I try to talk to him but he just tells me it’s okay, I should be happy or just cheer up. This infuriates me because I’m not saying these things for attention. I have just always felt out of place in my own life. Like I don’t really fit in anywhere no matter what I try. I am not married and have no children. This saddens me in an abstract way as I don’t actually want children. It’s more the thought of growing old alone with no one to take care of me. I’m an only child so as my parents age the thought of losing them terrifies me. Although they are the reason I don’t kill myself. Once they’re gone I won’t have that guilt to keep me around. I will finally be free to end it all and stop being in pain.
I know how you feel I have the suffering from pain Every day. Cant talk now move and have a shit bag. Lost my kids due to some bull shit that wasn’t my fault. I Panic when the door is closed. No one to talk to and no family to talk to. Things would keep me a bay by writing on Facebook but cant do that any more, so I am alone on this one.
Hey I’m really happy with my life nothing’s wrong I’m not sucicidal but I do want to pass away soon and I don’t want to kill me I want something else to as long as it’s not to emotionally painful I just feel really ready and I’m done trying to die through drugs I just want my life to end soon I feel I’m done happy and half excited not even bored just ready I causally feel like this a lot with a genuine smile and happy experience e.g at a party or my formal and having fun but just feel this extreme feeling of if only I was dead …. I don’t know why I feel like this and I’m no longer caring of what anyone thinks as If I’ll die in a few days … but It dosent really make much sense I guess I have an ideal life many good friends and happy experiences that Iike but ever since about 2 weeks ago when I really really accepted it and thought I saw my life before my eyes then didn’t when I realised I didn’t , I didn’t feel relief I felt guilty and like oh , oh okay . I really don’t get what’s wrong with me I’m just so curious of once I dye and moving on from this life to have a break from life and rest in peace. Could u please try and explain best you can why I feel like this thank you very greatful
I’m not sure it matters what the difference is
I’ve felt the urge to die… the “want” to die. I’ve never really considered myself a sad person. Had an okay life. An okay childhood. Could have been better, could have been worse. I was abused for a few years, but I’ve grown stronger from the experiences. I felt the “want” to die since I was 16. I’m 29 now and still often hear the voices in my head whispering things. I’ve read a few other comments and can agree and relate with many of you. I however, never really researched it. I thought it was abnormal and probably wouldn’t be much out on it. So it is kind of nice to see that there are others who suffer in my same way. I am NOT actively suicidal. I’m not scared or worried about dying….. I’ve come to terms with it. However, the thought of dying at times seems so pleasant. When I was 16 and the feelings and thoughts first started I began to actually plan it… to kill myself. I had an epiphany though that it was such a cowardly thing…. to leave my two younger brothers and my mom (dad wasn’t in the picture) that I’d be leaving behind… so now I more or less hope to die, but i will never take my own life!! Telling others isn’t an option…. I told a few others and we no longer talk and i was scared of involuntary hospitalization from talking to a professional and someones comment above confirms my concerns…. that ain’t happening now!! As for someones comment about broken minds are good at faking their outwards emotions. I feel that I do this extremely well! Too good…. sometimes i hate how much i fake every feeling. I always knew that i was different from most people. I could feel it, sense it even…. I just didn’t think it would be that my brain was damaged/sick…. and I will probably never NOT think of dying. . . . it is nice to see others with similar stories though.
Wanting to die and not being suicidal is the worst because there is no way out. You can call it simultaneously strength and weakness. Being too scared to inflict pain, being of sound enough mind not to. Your problems can be dealt with ‘at some point’, think the therapists. Well, the counselors, since your problems aren’t serious enough. Meanwhile you see your life slipping into the bleak future you’ve foreseen all along. But who cares, because there’s no blood.
I know some people will look at me and think I’m a selfish, vile person: But what’s the point of the life that would have been cut short by suicide, stretching on and on until 50, 70, 90. A shell of a person who always wanted to change but couldn’t. I know I’m going to think, maybe at least my life would have meant more as a statistic when I was young. It’s terrifying. I don’t want this.
This is so true. For over 4years I’ve had this constant voice in my head going “you should die”, or “it would be better if you’re dead”, and I’ve looked up a lot of things about dealing with this but most of it comes up with how to deal with suicidal thoughts and that the situation you’re in that makes you want to die will pass and you’ll be great again, blah, blah, blah, but it’s a constant thing. It doesn’t mattter if I’m having the time of my life- I still think that I should be dead. I am actively suicidal at times but sometimes that constant repeat of die, die, die, is worse
I get the “constant repeat of die, die, die, is worse.”
I have actually, when those thoughts start pounding in my mind’s ears, to google ways… I’ve done this more and more over the last few years. I get into these episodes of feeling no way out, no future to look towards, everything seems so dark, life has no color any longer and well… the chanting gets going in my mind’s ears.
I can be actively suicidal at times. Mostly, I am passive of it but that doesn’t dampen… I tend to look at it more now, as a observer of sorts that it’s a “sign” that my illness has taken a severe turn. If I can manage to separate myself from my mind; it makes it easier. It’s that I know it’s not really me but the illness… still; I cannot always do that and well…
Like you.. even if life, outwardly, may seem awesome… the outward does not always match the inward. We, with severe mood disorders, do tend to hide much and are actually good at it. Still; as the years pass, the ability to hide it erodes more and more…
I am with you… and I get it.
This post is interesting, because I feel that I fit into the category of wanting to die. There have been points in my life in which I was actively suicidal, but currently I feel that I have hit a wall. I don’t necessarily want to exist anymore, but the thought of my suicide is vomit-wrenching. I have a boyfriend and friends who love me very much and have expressed to me that my suicide would be a selfish act. I don’t have the guts to follow through with suicide, but at the same time I want to die. To explain this feeling: it’s a feeling that makes you desire to be in a car accident or accidentally lose your life. Then the result would be okay, because I would know that this form of death would be “less selfish” than my suicide. The accidental death at this point in my life would appropriate. I just feel that I will never be happy. I’ve tried so hard to be happy, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I am not cognitively wired for happiness. Everyone around me seems to be so joyous even when times are bad. No matter how hard I try, all I do is hope that I can accidentally pass away in the night, because I am just a burden to everyone else. I’m stuck in the feeling of wanting to die, but being too afraid to do anything about it. And I know myself; I never will kill myself, at least not on purpose. I will be stuck in this miserable cycle for the rest of however many days I’ve been given to exist.
For many years I have said to myself over and over in my head and out loud ” I wish I was dead”. My girlfriend got irritated by that and made me start saying “I wish I WERE dead” instead..Anyway, the thing is, a situation has arisen from which I see no escape..love triangle…sort of..really unique and difficult to explain situation but trust me, it sucks.can;t stay because I hate what is happening..add to that teh fear of losing my parents, or just the fact that I alway have said that I wish I was (were) dead..The only thing I don’t have is a plan…this is my problem is getting teh nerve up to jump a bridge or something is difficult. I know it’s wrong and qwould hurt so many people, but again I am so much emotional pain.
It’s on a loop in my mind also. There’s nothing I can do to make it stop. It just gets louder and louder the older I get, and I just turned 40. I always ask myself what am I doing here? Why is this happening? Why can’t everyone be fed? Why do I have to be a human?
It’s a blessing to have found your writing on this topic. I’ve been feeling suicidal for over two-three months. Looking at your scale, I fall into a two because I have no active plan, but what if I think about plans? Dread, death, dying, is what meets me immediately during my pre dawn awakening hours, before my eyes open. These thoughts then paralyze me, to where I stay in my robe and can’t even function. I hate that I can’t function and stay on the couch, all day, looking for help online. I can relate with the earlier post, whereby I ended up having the police at my door, fire truck, ambulance, police car & all, from my call to my doctors office (shrink) called the police (after I called saying I was having suicidal ideation. My doctor was out of the country & told his office staff to dial 911. When the police came, it took me a while to convince them that I wasn’t going to kill myself, that I was having really bad thoughts of death & dying. They had to take me to a neighbors house, with a promise of staying there, to agree not to take me to the hospital. This was a real lesson which hit me hard. It impacted me. My husband although I think he’s in a state of numbing shock about what to do or say. The thoughts continue. I hope my doctor gives me some new meds next week. Till then, the bad thoughts continue. Oh, and all of the neighbors are back inside their homes.
You suggest talking to a therapist and or doctor. That involves having complete trust..Here in my State I cant even trust a therapist anymore because if you tell them everything they have the power though a legal process to have you involuntarily hospitalized. I had one therapist boast to me that she can do that. Never saw that bitch again. If a therapist or psychiatrist feels that you are a danger to yourself many will do that. I have heard horror stories. I suppose it can also be so if anything does happen they wont get sued. Every state has different criteria…
This rings very true for me, and it is not a trivial distinction. I’ve never attempted suicide, though I’ve occasionally had long talks with myself about it. “Suicidal ideation”, certainly.
But throughout my life I’ve also had the recurring thought that I just want too ****ing die. Or never to have been born. There aren’t many people who would miss me if I did die, and perversely, sometimes I feel trapped by the needs of those who would. Don’t want to hurt them, but it’s hard to properly appreciate their feelings when you just want to GO.
Against my will, I believe less and less in my Christian upbringing, but I always retain a sense of suicide being the ultimate failure of a test or something. Cutting to the end, to see how it turns out, see what it was all about- or just have the peace of oblivion. I feel like what remains of my life holds little of value or interest, not much to look forward to. I know all of the logical reasons this is not true, but that logic doesn’t make the conviction go away.
I don’t know how true blue 100% atheists summon the will to keep waking up each morning. Some days, consideration for my loved ones isn’t enough. Some days, all that holds me back is the lingering shadow of the conviction that there is more to this existence. That even though a lot of what I was taught in Sunday School is bull, death is not the end, and it would be a big mistake to force what’s inevitable anyway.
My wife didn’t make it through her last impulse to die.
Hi Randall,
I’m so sorry to read this. My heart goes out to you.
– Natasha Tracy
Thank you. I do just feel that way. I’m bit into responsibilities and with kids I will never act on it, but I cant help but look forward to when they are grown and on their own and I can finally rest. Sounds morbid, eh. I dont mean it to. I am just so tired of this world
I am happy that I am not alone. I always feel this. I wanna die. I pray to God that he’ll take my life because living is painful. I am 29 yrs old already, i feel so old. I don’t wanna be super old so it is better to die young. All the people i know will remember me my young face. I don’t wanna breathe anymore. I am single and alone, i have a good job i really have no problems financially but i am not happy with my life. The pandemic is also making me more depressed because bars are closed I can’t go out and party. Life is too boring. I wanna rest forever. I wanna die
For me its not always the thought of wanting to die, sometimes its more like just not wanting to live/exist – if that makes sense. I also have these thoughts almost daily, but its not always morbid, I just fantasize about dissapearing. Othertimes it is death, blood, pills and the urge to selfharm….
Well put, Natasha. There is a difference. Those of us with bipolar disorder live with suicidal ideation frequently. It’s part of the disorder. But it’s a whole different ball game when we actually go about putting any plan to commit suicide in motion. One is passive, the other active. Big difference.
This article really made me understand a few things. I wake up, go to bed and every minute in between want to die . I have felt this way for so, so long. Thought I was the only one. I hope for some sickness that will take me. I’ve said something a couple of times to my husband that I just want to die. His response is always he couldn’t live without me. My shrink and I have tweaked my medication. On my last visit, we were going to tweak one of the meds but she asked me if she should or if I was going to give up. I told her I wanted to try. ‘She changed the medication but I haven’t been back to her. Not sure if I can go back. I know bipolar’s can be difficult to treat. Maybe she’s come to the end of her rope with me.
I can absolutely commiserate with this. My want for death never ceases. Never. I think about it many times throughout the day. This has been the case most of my life. It’s like I never felt worthy to live. Yes, I had a horrible childhood, but my want to die is visceral. Deep rooted. No med has changed that.
Have I tried to take care of this myself? Yes, three times. Finally decided I was just here to be tortured with life. I’ve had my times where I wrote my letters and ended up in the hospital. THAT was suicidal, but the death wish is always there.
I try to will these times away but they’re always there, even in my dreams. It’s hard sometimes to put on my “game face” on.
I can only hope that one day I won’t feel this way. Right now, I deal with it every day. And I’m getting tired.
Your phrase I’ve spent so much of my life wanting to die” nailed it for me. And somehow I knew best not mention it when I was 11. Yet after 2 attempts and honestly seeing how it affects friends and family helped me try to remove it as option. So now I just want to die. A lot. Just not by my own hand. Facing pain going forward is too much. This depression will pass. Yet there will be another and that’s when it’s the darkest for me.
My doctor asked today about support network. This does not exist. I talk and people run. To quote you Natasha IM TOO MUCH. so I try to keep mouth shut. It hurts too much to think I have friend only to watch them disappear. My family is my support. They may not understand but they love and stay by me. Thank you Natasha as always.
I have trouble with telling people that I want to die (I sometimes call it “envying the dead”) because that makes them think I’m suicidal. I’ve wound up in the hospital without being actively suicidal by letting people that I wanted to die. I really just think they need to know how serious my situation is, but they wind up thinking that it’s even worse.
This is something I’ve struggled with explaining to people! There have been countless times when I simply wanted to no longer be alive, to finally be free from the madness and the pain. But only twice did I even begin to contemplate making it happen. Thanks for addressing this!
When I lived in NJ, all I had to tell any of my care providers–not just my pdoc, but my primary–was that I wanted to die, and they saw me the same day, and hospitalized me if the visit didn’t help to address the problem. Here in Maine, however, I’ve given up calling crisis lines. If you don’t tell them you plan to attempt suicide, they don’t care. They tell you to call your provider–who also doesn’t care. I’ve called sobbing, begging someone to see me, only to have them say, “If you’re planning suicide go to the ER; if you aren’t, we can fit you in in six weeks.” The medical community in some states considers wanting to die a serious problem, but here in Maine, they treat you like you’re just seeking attention. Thank you for this article. It’s nice to know that someone on this planet takes my pain seriously.
What struck me right away about this topic was the heading and I felt I identified with it. But, I tend to have a more helpless sense of wanting to die. Like I see the days going by and I just feel worthless but not really necessarily in an overwhelming way (then I would get help) — it just seems like sometimes nothing matters and I will try to sleep all day and then have this panic at the end of the day when it is getting dark. So, even THEN I tell myself oh well — no point, I might as well be dead. However, I have a ton of support in place and stalwart reasons why I wouldn’t take the steps to kill myself (at least I feel confident about that right now). But, this just struck a chord with me — I wonder if anybody else feels this way? I find myself counting the years until my eventual death and just feeling I have wasted everything.. Maybe despondent but it is so much more lazy, I hate to say — like avoidance except I avoid almost everything..
Hi Natasha, I don’t often comment although I read your posts almost daily. I just wanted to say thank you for writing these posts on topics that most people don’t want to talk about.
Hearing you bring these deep thoughts into the light is liberating. So, thanks.
There’s also a separate distinct set of risk factors, protective factors and warning signs for suicide. Since I have a number of the risk factors and very few of the protective factors I tend to shy away from making statements like “I wish I were dead” to my doctor, family or friends because it unnecessarily worries them. Stating you wish you were dead is also a warning sign. Having had a mother who committed suicide just compounds their worry. I’ve only actively been suicidal twice in my life but like you I often wish I were dead. Fortunately they are not the same thing
There are also distinct risk factors, protective factors and warning signs for suicide. I often wish I were dead too but I’m NOT actively suicidal. Because I have a lot of the risk factors and few very few of the protective factors I am usually careful not to make such statements like I wish I were dead in front of others such as my doctor, family or friends because saying such a thing is also a warning sign and I don’t want to unnecessarily worry these people in my life. I also had a mother who committed suicide
It’s q terrible disease. Only hope is outlook gets better and keep trying. Bless all!