(timeless thoughts from a psych patient)
It is a stupid, cyclical life that I lead. I just keep going round and round the insanity-go-round, the mood-go-round, the crazy-go-round. It’s said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Welcome to my life.
Read MoreOne of the truly horrible things about a lifetime of bipolar, hypomania, depression and illness is that you’re always left wondering, is this depression the last depression? Is this my brain and my mind’s breaking point? Is this the depression I end with suicide?
And worse, people around you, in idle moments, might wonder if this the last time they’ll have to hear you sobbing on the phone. Is this the last time they see your depression? Is this the last time they have to be scared for you?
Ah yes, a mental illness reality that is a treat for everyone.
Read MoreDepression makes you feel alone. Depression makes you feel like you’re the only person that feels the pain and sadness that you do. Depression brings about negative spirals of thinking that convinces you that there is only darkness, nothingness and that you are utterly alone in the world. This loneliness is a symptom of depression.
Bipolar makes you feel alone too. Bipolar makes you think you are alone because no one else experiences the highs of mania and the lows of depression. Then there’s loneliness with Schizophrenia thanks to the rest of the world unfairly thinking you are violent and dangerous. And dissociative identity disorder convincing you that you are alone and that no one on the planet is as “crazy” as you.
In short, mental illness makes you feel alone and like there is no one else like you in the world.
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Last night I went out on a date. It was a girl I had connected with through a site online. Lovely girl. Smiling. Happy. There’s a picture of her taking another girl’s bikini top off with her teeth. Playful happiness.
And in person, she was, in fact, happy. Enthralled and entertained by me. She wanted to hear story after story. Captivated. Charmed. Her gaze burned into my flesh.
And I felt, nothing.
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Just how suicidal are you? OK, admittedly, it’s probably not the best idea to fixate on this question, but in point of fact “being suicidal” doesn’t mean just one thing. Being suicidal exists on a scale. But how does one quantify how suicidal you are?
Thanks to very depressing research we do know many awful suicide statistics.
(There are lots of other suicide statistics provided by the National Institute of Mental Health.)
I can feel the post-depression-bounce-back hypomania beginning in my brain; not in my body, only in my brain. Hypomanic symptoms started yesterday evening. Things started seeming clear, perhaps just a little too clear, and certainly a little too fast. Bipolar fast. Gospel music (yes, oddly) played in my head intermittently while I guided an old tourist couple to the park, I drafted my upcoming novel, planned a conversation, and I investigated the fallen tree branch in the middle of the baseball field. Rapid fire thoughts, hypomanic thoughts, took over.
Read MoreSo here it is, 2011. Yes, a new year. People are full of hope, resolutions and motivation for change.
It should come as no surprise that I, the bipolar, the depressive, the philosopher, the writer, am not.
Most people, mostly wrong people, think that they can seize this moment to change their life. People think that this arbitrary moment of existence somehow means that they can make their lives better.
Silly, sill them.
The new year really means silly promises that people don’t keep and then are disappointed about by February 1st, if they’re lucky enough to last that long. Anyone still losing weight, going to the gym, reading more, quitting smoking, reducing debt or volunteering like they promised last year?
So my problem, the thing that really sticks in my craw, is this: if your average person can’t be expected to keep a New Year’s resolution, what chance does a crazy person have?
I’d say, very little.
Read MoreThere are two categories of sadness: intrinsic and extrinsic, or internal and external. Within those categories there are is all manor of sadness, but for our purposes, we will make this single distinction.
Intrinsic sadness is sadness from within and without cause.[push]Intrinsic sadness is pain without cause. It is without beginning or ending. It is sea you fall into without shore.[/push]
It typically presents itself in a clinical sense as depression. In a physiological sense, it’s misfiring (or not firing) neurotransmitters. Research suggests that a serious deficit of this type (depression) rarely rights itself without proper medical intervention. Intrinsic sadness is the stuff I feel most of the time in varying degrees thanks through my bipolar. Luckily most “normal” folk will only experience very limited intrinsic sadness and it’ll probably lead to just a blue day, and not depression.
I get contacted now and then by people who want me to link to them or advertise here. Well, that’s just not what I do. I’m pretty fussy about linking to external sites. I have certain expectations for my own content and most people don’t meet them. It’s nothing personal; I’m just snobby that way.
That said, today I was contacted by the site Patient Corps. This site is dedicated to bringing forward the talents and skills of patients to help each other. The site is advertising-free (kudos for that) and run by Erica Shane Hamilton who holds a Ph.D. in psychology and wrote a dissertation on coping efforts of women with chronic pelvic pain. She is driven to offer patients a way to give back. There is even research supporting the health benefits of volunteering.
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