2010 - Bipolar Burble Blog

I Can’t Remember Not Being Depressed – Emotion and Memory

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Dec 12, 2010

When I am depressed I can’t remember what it’s like not to be depressed.

It’s an interesting phenomenon, actually. Although I, logically, can state that I have spent massive chunks of my life out of major depression, when I’m depressed I feel that’s not true. I can’t remember not having depressed emotion. I literally can’t remember what non-depressed feels like. Logic ceases to be convincing. I understand there’s a high statistical likelihood that depression will pass. But I just can’t believe it, can’t remember it, when depressed.

Patient Corps Focuses on Patient’s Strengths, Not Weaknesses

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Dec 5, 2010

I get contacted now and then by people who want me to link to them or advertise here. Well, that’s just not what I do. I’m pretty fussy about linking to external sites. I have certain expectations for my own content and most people don’t meet them. It’s nothing personal; I’m just snobby that way.

Patient Corps Wants Your Strengths

That said, today I was contacted by the site Patient Corps. This site is dedicated to bringing forward the talents and skills of patients to help each other. The site is advertising-free (kudos for that) and run by Erica Shane Hamilton who holds a Ph.D. in psychology and wrote a dissertation on coping efforts of women with chronic pelvic pain. She is driven to offer patients a way to give back. There is even research supporting the health benefits of volunteering.

I Know How to Cure Bipolar Disorder

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Dec 4, 2010

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it. – Andre Gide

I have heard about every possible cure or treatment for bipolar disorder; being a public figure, people contact me frequently to tell me what I should be doing to treat my bipolar. In no particular order, this involves:

Herbs
Supplements
Magic pills
New age treatments
Religion
Books containing the secret to happiness

(Not to mention all the people who contact me simply to complain about what I write and how I feel. Lovely people those.)

And what I have to say to every one of these people is this: you have no fucking idea what you’re talking about.

I’m Less Depressed and Crying More – Mixed Mood

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Dec 3, 2010

I’ve been horrendously depressed. That sort of catatonic depressed where reality shows hum before your eyes one after another because that’s all the stimulation your brain can take. Flashing images of substanceless people performing meaningless tasks on light box that removes you from reality.

A Mood is Never Just a Mood for a Bipolar

But I woke up this morning feeling better. This is always a warning sign of hypomania, or in this case, a mixed-mood. Because a mood is never just a mood to a bipolar. A mood is always a warning sign of a problem. Bipolars have to pay attention to moods because even good moods lead to bad things…

Loved In Spite of Bipolar, Loved Because of Bipolar

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Dec 2, 2010

I have explained to many people, many times, that bipolar is existence at the ends of a spectrum. It’s not that your average person doesn’t get sad, or happy, or devastated, or elated, it’s simply that they do not experience these emotions so fully, so much of the time. My bipolar problem isn’t the existence of these emotions, simply their intensity, their duration and their frequency.

All this bipolar emotion makes people look at me strangely. I know. But oddly, someone it seems not only loves me in spite of bipolar but even finds reasons to love me in the bipolar, because of the bipolar. Love.

Being Bipolar – Compensating for Perceived Incompetence

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Nov 30, 2010

The bipolar burble welcomes guest author Stephanie of Mommy vs. Madness. Today Stephanie talks about something I can certainly relate to, the concept that stereotypically, those with bipolar disorder are nothing but crazy and so are to be disregarded. Stephanie talks about the cost of fighting this stigma.

Fitting in is hard. Fitting when you are bipolar is harder. Most people can fit in by adorning themselves in the latest shoes, bags or clothes. Others may compensate by engaging in witty conversations, bragging about their job accomplishments or their children. Being bipolar, I feel the need to compensate for my perceived incompetence. I feel that in order for me to fit in, I have to prove just how sane I am. For me to accomplish this I feel I must be smart, I must be funny and most importantly I must be calm and rational at all times.

What’s triple chronotherapy like? Did it work?

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Nov 28, 2010

I followed the Triple Chronotherapy protocol Thursday – Monday last week. I wrote in laymen’s terms about circadian rhythm and Chronotherapy when I started and then copious updates afterwards. (At the end of this post you can see rough numbers tracking mood during my treatment.)

It’s important to note that I did this without medical supervision and so my thoughts cannot necessarily be generalized to what would happen in a clinical setting. And I don’t need to tell you this, but don’t try this at home kids. Bad things can happen.

During Day One of Chronotherapy

Staying up for 36 hours isn’t fun. I would imagine most people instinctively know this, but I can now say with certainty that 36 hours is too long to be awake.

The changes I noticed during this time were:

A lot of dizziness, difficulty going from sitting to standing
Lack of coordination
Nausea, lack of hunger
General feeling of weakness and unwellness
Depletion of cognitive ability
Disconnection from the world around me

This was not fun in the slightest and the only thing that kept me grounded was a friend that stayed up with me.

Proving Competence – Mommy vs. Madness’s Schwandy – Guest Author

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Nov 24, 2010

I am an extremely competent individual. I’m intelligent, hard-working, perfectionistic and driven. I’m gentle, kind, giving, funny and witty. I’m a great employee and I like to think pretty good friend. But like many of my mentally ill brethren, I feel like I have to keep proving over and over how competent I am due to the unfortunate mental illness stereotypes. People tend to think of bipolars in a negative light.

And this is just what Schwandy, from Mommy Vs. Maddness will be discussing in her post next week…

Circadian Rhythm Chronotherapy – Experiment Check-in 9

Posted by Natasha Tracy | Nov 21, 2010

Sunday, 7:00 AM

Still on the ridiculous chronotherapy experiment schedule.

Last night I did get about six hours of sleep, which I do appreciate, but it is seriously not enough sleep for me. I get the impression this protocol suggests that seven hours is the “right” amount of sleep for people. These people are nutbar. OK, probably not nutbar but unreasonable. Never in my life has seven hours of sleep been enough for me. The bags under my eyes appear to have been chiseled there. Getting up at 3:00 AM just felt like an inhumane torture…