I’m Less Depressed and Crying More – Mixed Mood

I’ve been horrendously depressed. That sort of catatonic depressed where reality shows hum before your eyes one after another because that’s all the stimulation your brain can take. Flashing images of substanceless people performing meaningless tasks on light box that removes you from reality.

A Mood is Never Just a Mood for a Bipolar

But I woke up this morning feeling better. This is always a warning sign of hypomania, or in this case, a mixed-mood. Because a mood is never just a mood to a bipolar. A mood is always a warning sign of a problem. Bipolars have to pay attention to moods because even good moods lead to bad things.

I watched my brain get stuck on a song because I heard three notes of it on the TV. I couldn’t get it to shut up. Over and over. Over and under. Fucking brain. A broken record.

waterfall of tearsI’m So Grateful for the Good, I’m Crying

And I find myself teary. I’m crying over everything. I actually feel better than yesterday but so much more emotional. My bipolar knob for catatonia has been turned down while the emotionally, specifically weepy, has been turned up. Yay. What a trade.

It’s OK. My smile is closer to genuine in spite of the tears. I do feel something through the tears. It’s a mixed episode I know. The meds dampen hypomania so I get mixed moods with a crazy mix of tears, laughter, smiles, sorrow, racing, anxiety, productive mood. Or at least today. Mixed moods are an emotional storm so the combinations change from time to time. Bipolar is like a box of chocolates.

I am thankful to be feeling any degree of better and am trying to focus on what little there is of the something-other-than-sadness. I close my eyes and look inside to something sort of almost shaped like happiness. It’s not happiness, there are too many knives stabbing at it, but it’s something sort of like it. Something in its colour family.

Vaguely Reminiscent Happiness is a Miracle for the Depressed

I’m grateful it’s there. Transient, labored, perforated it may be, it’s like taking a breath of mostly air and less water, instead of mostly water and less air. It is so much better than nothing.


About Natasha Tracy

Natasha Tracy is an award-winning writer, speaker and consultant from the Pacific Northwest. She has been living with bipolar disorder for 18 years and has written more than 1000 articles on the subject.

Natasha’s New Book

Find more of Natasha’s work in her new book: Lost Marbles: Insights into My Life with Depression & Bipolar. Media inquiries can be emailed here.


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