I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder 17 years ago and, yet, I still can’t accept the fact that bipolar makes me sick on a daily basis. When the bipolar symptoms come, my natural inclination is to deny them, or at least deny that they are caused by a brain illness. I want to think to myself that I’m just having a bad day or I didn’t sleep well last night or I’m coming down with something. I want to think that something normal and transient is causing my symptoms. I don’t want to think it’s something out of my control and long-lasting. Even with all my experience, my mind still doesn’t want to accept that my bipolar is the thing making me sick.
Sick with Bipolar on a Daily Basis
Look, I’ll level with you, there is not a day that goes by that I don’t suffer with bipolar symptoms. Sometimes they are okay, sometimes they are grave and sometimes they are somewhere in the middle but every day some symptom or another (or many) are there. I am never free of bipolar. Ever.
And I know, from the core of my being, what is bipolar and what isn’t (and what’s a medication side effect). I know that the depression, the sadness, the crying, the beating myself up, the self-hatred, the guilt and so much more is bipolar depression. I know it. But, then, why can’t I accept being sick because of bipolar.
Why I Can’t Accept Bipolar Making Me Sick
I know why. There are two reasons: time and control.
The first is time. I have been sick with bipolar for so long I don’t care to think about it and I will be sick with bipolar until the day I die. That’s just the way it’s going to be for me unless some unprecedented remission were to sit on my lap and start to wiggle. And that is a very difficult thing to accept. It’s tough enough to know that you’re going to be sick with the flu for four weeks in the wintertime when you get the latest bug and it’ll knock you down all the time but thinking that you’re going to be beat up by an illness for your lifetime? That’s nearly impossible to fathom. And if I admit that I’m sick because of bipolar then I have to admit that I likely will be for many decades to come. I do not like this idea.
And secondly there is the idea of control. While none of us have control over illnesses, whether it be the flu, cancer or anything else, one likes to think that one can control one’s brain. It’s part of being a sentient being, isn’t it?
Well, no, as it turns out it isn’t. Controlling our minds is one thing but controlling the infinitely complex, physical organ of the brain is as impossible as controlling how your liver filter toxins from your body. I would never expect to be able to control that and yet I feel the need to control my brain. And if I admit that I’m sick with bipolar then I also must admit that I cannot control my very own brain. I do not like this idea either.
Acceptance of the Sickness of Bipolar Is a Process
I’ve said before that acceptance of bipolar is a process and I meant it. You can know you have bipolar disorder long before you accept it and I can know that bipolar disorder is making me sick long before I can accept that fully too. My logic faculties are working fine, there is just some sliver of my mind that really, really doesn’t want to believe it. I want to believe I’m like everyone else. I do not want to believe I’m disabled. I don’t want to believe that so much of me is incapacitated by misfiring circuits. I don’t want to believe that I have been struck by the wrath of mental illness. I don’t want to believe that I’m sick from bipolar disorder.
But I really have to. I really have to at least admit to this reality even if I’m in the process of accepting it because without admitting it, I can’t fight the bipolar that’s interrupting my everything. And let’s face it, the more we fight the more control we can exert over bipolar disorder in the forms of treatment and coping skills. So no matter how much I don’t want to admit to sickness, I must. In order to make it less powerful. In order to make me more powerful. In order to facilitate wellness.
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Header image by James Palinsad.
For me, my diagnosis came late in life (38 and now I’m 40). I HATE that this happened to me. It’s like finding out i have stage 4 cancer but it won’t go away and I won’t just die from it with 6 months to live. (At least with cancer there is probably a morphine IV!) I read about my disease every day. I’ve read every article and book. I must know what’s happening to me. Yeah, the doctors say eat better, exercise, stay in the present, blah blah blah. Seriously? Who really follows all those “instructions?” I guess I try. But darn it, it’s right there like an insulin pump on my hip. I cycled through a manic stupid crazy not too long ago. And now we all know exactly where I am today, don’t we? Even when my brain is under control it still knows how truly sick it can be. I told a close, “woulda been” girlfriend and got the standard normie response of “just try to be positive, and you’ll feel better.” Would be girlfriend became “won’t be” girlfriend. Oh well, back to laying bricks to building that wall again. What effects me most? The pain of my disease or the pain of knowing its damn near impossible for us to to be understood and loved? Right now for me, both pretty much suck. Oh wait… I’m cycling from my mania into the inevitable. Maybe this one won’t last as long. I think I’ll go meditate now. Try not to ruminate to the point of madness. I’m not dead today. But that sounds so appealing compared to this bullshit.
I think the brain doesn’t realize there’s something wrong with it. I have a logical, thinking part of my brain that just doesn’t get what all this disturbance is about. It’s trying to make sense of it and fix it. Bipolar thinking is hard to approach logically, and it can’t be cured, so the problem can’t be solved. My bipolar thinking is very over the top and unrealistic. I usually do okay with real events, but my bipolar mind blows them completely out of proportion if it has any advance warning. For instance, a family member needed surgery. I was horribly anxious the entire month beforehand and ended up so stressed that I went into a mixed state of hypomania and deep depression at the same time. Yet, when the actual day of surgery came, I was calm. I dealt with the situation as it happened and was able to be supportive to my family member. The surgery was then a real thing that my logical brain could deal with. The family member is recovering well. Now I’m back to obsessing about appointments and customer service issues that need to be addressed between two days and two months from now. My guts are in a twist. I have a headache. Doom is impending! *sighs*. Yet when I finally get myself to do these things they will go fine! I get so exhausted and stressed from the anxiety of my bipolar reactions and obsessions that I often wish I were dead just so I didn’t have to deal with anything. I mean these are things that most people do without thinking much at all! I watch them get in their cars and drive around so nonchalantly. It takes me extreme effort to force myself to get in the car at all.
I feel EXACTLY the same Natasha. I can speak about my bipolar when I’m feeling ok but as soon as the bipolar depression hits its like I can’t talk about it. The guilt and the paranoia hit and I feel everyone can see how I’m feeling or something. I often wonder why I get like this. X
I feel as if i have joined a new school and this is my first day in a classroom full of new faces….a little bit anxious but NOTHING like the real thing!! I am 53 now and a can remember that anxiety like yesterday Also not just the first day but most of the rest of my life so far.
Was diagnosed with depression in my mid twenties but only with BD about 20 years later. That is such a pity, my life could have been easier earlier
Reading the blog and responses do rather feel like coming into a place where i should have been a long time ago and i am so thankful that you are all here I just know this will make a diffirence and who knows..eventually i may even be able to help a little from experience. Hugs to all
Hugs to you back — I understand that feeling of wishing we had known years ago. I struggle with the feeling my life has been wasted even though it technically hasn’t been. I have lived and learned so much and yet, yes, I could have been more successful in work and school and things could have been easier. There are things I suddenly will remember or somebody will point out to me where I LITERALLY can’t believe I did or said them — like “who in there right mind?!?!?” — Yeah, exactly.
This blog post is pretty eerily on point for me today only because I sat here, after another 9.25 hour work day processing claims…. thinking to myself that I am truly mentally ill. I struggle with Bipolar Disorder, along with a host of other mental illnesses and yet, i go to work and fight through the day.
I have a seizure disorder, and/or seizure spells and yet I get up and go and do and handle my business as best as I am able. I have Osteoarthritis in my left ankle; bone upon literal bone as it were, pain and swelling so great that my ankle would howl if it had vocal chords…. yet, i get up and hobble everywhere I need to go and what I am desperately wanting to do… is kill myself because my Bipolar brain is sick.
So, instead, I drafted a letter to send to my HR asking for an accommodation via the ADA to maybe, just maybe, allow me to work from home.
Yet, I know what this means and I know what it will come to. I will be fired, let go or told that it’s a financial burden though others in the department have been given the ability for other reasons. It’s making myself known to my employers that I am sick… I am mentally ill and I need help to do my job that I’ve had for well over a year… because I’m sick.
I haven’t yet sent the letter of request. I haven’t yet out of anxious fear. I know what it will mean. I know what will become of it.
Still, I am sick every single day.
Thank you for writing this. I can relate to so much. I had bipolar for years before it was officially diagnosed. I hate having bipolar. I wish I could be ok. It’s wrecked my job prospects…….can’t work full time anymore as I get so anxious and low or high moods are triggered. I worry every day what I’m going to be like. I might be open online, like on Facebook, but deep down I keep telling myself I haven’t got bipolar. I try to carry on and be normal but it doesn’t work. Eventually I’m a mess again and it takes ages to get well again. It was so bad two months ago that I ended up in hospital. At least I was safe but it’s made me very fragile and at the sign of another flare up I have to back off from the stressful bits in my life and try to relax. Mindfulness plus seeing my psychotherapist works but it’s hard.
I can only imagine what it must feel like so I don’t want this to sound like just another airy-fairy, disconnected moral anecdote but for what it’s worth, you’ve gotten this far and you’ve proven that you can overcome the dark days. Try not to forget to recognise that achievement.
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Sorry Ruth but most severe and even not so severe illnesses are unpredictable from one day to the next, or even one hour to the next. I’m not sure where you are getting the info. I don’t mean to be dismissive of others but what you said really make little sense. I’m all for supporting others but (at least to someone who isn’t factually challenged) empty un-scientific, religious or otherwise empty platitudes and so on do no good. Of course this makes me look like the bad guy but I want the problem solved and lies, misinformation, half-truths, religious fantasies and on and on aren’t going to fix Bi-polar. Science, facts, experimental science, patience, history, study, etc., and especially living in the real world and not denying it are going to fix the problem in one way or the other. Simple minded thinking has no place in this complicated puzzle. WN
WN, I put no scientific or rumor facts out there, this was all my own personal experience with trying to accept my disability and how it affects me on a daily basis. Nor was I trying to down other disabilities, merely stating that we cannot predict how our brains will function from one day/hour to the next.
Synergy, Tru-Hope, Tru-Death, Empowerplus or what ever they are calling themselves today have all you need in one pill. They will solve all your problems now and immediately. Just like the family who owns the company did by allowing the suicides and deaths of there own children through their lack of love and concern for them.
Money and death the Em[power plus way. Murder you children and grandchildren the same way. Use the Empower, Tru-hope, Tru-death and Synergy way. WN
I believe it was the pharmaceutical industry that claimed they could fix all your problems with one pill, until they were forced to acknowledge with a black box warning that a major side effect of ssri’s is suicide. Murder your children by denying the dysfunctional in your family and have a psychiatrist drug them. Or you could acknowledge the issues and try to heal psychological wounds with love and compassion. Drugs should really be a last resort, considering all the negative side effects; side effects that mirror all the symptoms of mental illness anyway. I really just wish the psychiatric industry could come up with an objective test! Then we’d know for sure who has a chemical imbalance and who doesn’t. Until then, every psychiatric patient is basically a gineau pig.
Michael, I believe this is the same Michael i’ve conversed with on previous posts (correct me if i’m wrong)… you’re not “sick”. You’re not “genetically flawed”. You were born absolutely perfect but unfortunately you experienced some severe trauma along the way. Recovery and a fulfilling life, sans bipolar symptoms, is very possible. I suggest you get in touch with your anger in healthy ways and stop thinking of yourself as a victim of faulty genetics; that thinking kinda validates the abuse you endured as a child. You never deserved the abuse, and you don’t deserve to continually suffer. Come on man, free your mind. Easier said than done, but give yourself a chance. First step, stop thinking of yourself as “sick”, “genetically flawed”, “bipolar”. Sure, you may have bipolar symptoms, but don’t let that define and determine who you are. You are So much more than that.
Nice try Tas. As you stated Michael never mentioned abuse. Maybe because he never experienced any? If he did no reason for you to make those assumptions. I suspect you may have motives you may not have mentioned, and we both, all of us know what they may be.
There is no such thing as genetically flawed, there is just genetics. Period. There is no grand being (or you) deciding what are “good” genetics and what are “bad” genetics. Michael is an atheist as far as I can tell and therefore is a rational person and if he is emotionally down it is no excuse for you to trash him. Also, there have been others here who have tried to pass themselves off as Michael but I believe Natasha has caught that. Please Michael I in no way am trying to speak for you but I suspect maybe someone maybe trying to play a game here.
I do know the Empower family have experienced much abuse from their patriarch. Abuse from him is just a given and his greed is just an expression of it.
I hope you can do what you must to feel well Michael and tell me never to put words in your mouth but I truly am concerned about you. Sorry, I’m sounding like Tas. When felling better tell us the way it really is. WN
Nice try? What? I was referring to a Michael from earlier comments from different posts who mentioned a few times that he suffered from child abuse. I also clearly stated, correct me if i’m wrong. On most sights you can’t have a username if that username is already in use, so I assumed it was the same Michael. Wow, people get very angry here and seem to jump to conclusions very easily. Relax, take a chill pill (no pun intended), I don’t have, nor need, any altering motives.
Tas: Present literature concerning Bipolar Disorder demonstrates that people inherent a genetic predisposition towards the disorder, but that environmental factors also play an influence. A significant factor is a persons emotional and psychological environment, particularly when young. As a result, it’s wrong to say that a mental problem is either psychological or psychiatric. It’s more likely that most incidence of BD occurs as a result of stress during childhood, including various kinds of abuse and neglect. That isn’t always the case, but it’s very common.
Once the underlying disorder is kindled, it leads to an irreversible change in brain function. Successive incidents trigger the disorder can be less stressful and the response can be more dramatic. There aren’t many people with BD who I know that didn’t evidence any characteristic thought disturbance when they were younger. However, children are expected to be less emotionally well controlled and usually given a lot of feedback encouraging them to maintain control. As a result, a lot of people with BD “hold it together” unill around 20, at which point an attack is severe enough it puts them in the hospital and they are diagnosed.
By the time that happens, the abusive, neglectful, or otherwise stressful circumstances can have long passed. It’s possible (and advisable) to work through psychological issues because they can serve as triggers and symptoms from BD can inappropriately attach to psychological problems.
But, even if you clear away all the psychological issues, there will still be an underlying physical, biological, psychiatric problem. The only way to treat that problem is the same way you would treat any other biological problem, which is by using medication. Of course, we can’t know if any person actually has such a disorder except by observing their behavior and seeing if they respond to treatment. But it’s completely wrong to say “because you suffered abuse, that’s your problem, you don’t have BD.”
Renowned traumatologist, John Briere, is said to have quipped that if Complex PTSD were ever given its due – that is, if the role of dysfunctional parenting in adult psychological disorders was ever fully recognized, the DSM (The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders used by all mental health professionals) would shrink to the size of a thin pamphlet. It currently resembles a large dictionary. In my experience, many clients with Complex PTSD have been misdiagnosed with various anxiety and depressive disorders, as well as bipolar, narcissistic, codependent and borderline disorders. Further confusion arises in the case of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder), as well as obsessive/compulsive disorder, which is sometimes more accurately described as an excessive, fixated flight response to trauma. This is also true of ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder) and some dissociative disorders which are similarly excessive, fixated freeze responses to trauma.
http://pete-walker.com/fAQsComplexPTSD.html
I am sick, I know it, but still can’t believe it. When I have what I believe to be a normal day I am now scared becuase I know the next day will be horrible.. After going through this cycle so many times for me normal is no longer but just a less worse bad day. I am so tired of this.
Michael, I apologize if you aren’t the same Michael I was conversing with earlier on another post who mentioned ptsd. I assumed you were him. Didn’t know people could have the same username. Natasha, will you please confirm the misunderstanding?
Well, Natasha has everyone’s email. She should be able to clear up this misunderstanding quickly. Thanks in advance, Natasha! Hope you’re having a good day :)
Tas, you would think so wouldn’t you but I’ve seen two Michaels here posted as just “Michael” who most surely wer not the same Michael. Also one or two other Michaels with a slightly different spelling or/and so on. I as well as you would hope Natasha could clarify all this but I don’t know if she can or even wishes to.
There is as you may or may not be aware a company that has threatened more then once to sue Natasha for her good work and will use any means needed to put her down. This includes holes in software, lies, pretending to be someone else. attacking them personally (they have done this to me and continue to @ my personal and family’s sites and so on. I believe as an expert in computers she knows what she is doing better then me and I suppose most if not all who post here. She also knows the games the greedy scum like Tru-Death use. If they would disappear all would be much easier. Sadly the greedy, scum like those at Synery have proven to be unrelenting enemies of the sick and helpless of this world and must be watched at all times. Please look into them if not aware or connected to them to see what I mean. They will go as low as killing children in there own family to increase the numbers in their bank accounts. WN
Hi Guys,
WordPress doesn’t require unique usernames, only unique email addresses (only see on the backend). If you reply to a person directly using the reply link to the right of the name that might help with some of the confusion. (Although conversations only go to (I think) 8 levels deep.)
– Natasha Tracy
Thank you for trying to clear some of that up. I think I get it but as hard as I try (actually not much anymore) i’m not as good @computers as I would like to be. I don’t trust things I don’t completely understand from the bottom up. Engineer’s are always taught to simplify and not complicate. As you are aware more then I am and for many reasons in computer “science” it is impossible to do this quite often. I’m not at all aware of the tools available to you to organize posts going back to day one. Not all that important really. As long as we all understand there are some who post here who sometimes attempt to appear as if they are someone else. If not a regular poster and/or follower it would be very easy to miss this.
Keep it up Natasha, you do more good then you know. {If I had to watch my words like you I would go “crazy”}. For a “moderator” you must do very little moderating. A very good sign. Even though I am self-censoring here, I think I am always aware I am doing so (as much as anyone can) as your rules one experienced are mostly clear. {Although at times (usually) I would also make more sense. Sometimes even self-imposed parameters make things so much easier and clearer}. WN
TAS adn WiLL
I dont remember conversing with you TAS. Heck, I dont even remember what happened yesterday but I do suffer from Complex PTSD and I am a rapid rapid rapid cycler (ultradian) It may be me it may be someone else. Personally , I really don’t care much about anything anymore except my wife and child. Thats all I have . And to Will, Thanks buddy. Sometimes your words may come out wrong but I know the sincerity and love for many is there.
My entire life I have been surrounded by people with wild mood swings. I just thought that was how they were until my son died by suicide. He could be a crab, but much better than the others. I didn’t know HOW BAD he was until I got in his computer after his death.
I guess I just got use to people screaming at me, accusing me of stuff I didn’t know what they are talking about and even physical abuse. This was my family.
Okay, it is an illness. It is probably difficult for them. However, how much should another person put up with this behavior? I have been kind and listened to them and try to deal with them with kindness. However, I am worn out and I have just pretty much checked out from the other people in my family.
Hi Mary, so sorry to hear about your son’s suicide. I hope that getting into his computer gave you some comfort; knowing that he was suffering for so long and death, for him, was really the only option. Suicide is so difficult to understand when you haven’t suffered tremendously yourself. If your family is toxic, may I suggest distancing yourself from them for awhile, or at least try to stand up for yourself. I have done both and it helps. There’s no more room for disrespect. Period. All my best to you and your family.
Mary, don’t put too much stock in what you found on someones computer after their death. Deletion, temporary comments, fleeting thoughts, society, what someone want’s you to see and so on. Base your years of knowing them with an open mind more then what was found on a single hard drive. People are more complicated then that. So sorry for your loss. This isn’t an empty though like people make about ex-soldiers etc. It’s sincere.
Life is tough for you as well as It was for him. He did what he had to do in that minute. You do what you must but I hope you can learn from it and not think the way you did previously about things like this. If you are ina really tough abusive spot try your best to get the f___ out of it to gain perspective and piece of mind. Don’t know your situation but I hope you the best and fight the good fight and just try to be a good person and be happy. That is all that is important! WN
Mary: That’s a question you answer for yourself. I would think of it as if the person didn’t have an “illness”. Let’s say you had a family member who was simply difficult to deal with. What would you do? I wouldn’t change your decision out of pity. Bipolar isn’t a disorder that suddenly remits (usually). So, either the relative is going to work hard to be less difficult to deal with (by trying to control their disorder) or they are going to get worse (usually). There are some people who you might feel a really strong commitment to. But, again, if the person was just difficult you would deal with them identically.
Hi Natasha, first, I’d like to thank you for this blog. You are a talented writer with a great sense of humor and a beautiful smile. You also remind me so much of my past self; every day was a struggle: never knew how I was going to be from one day to the next; I just accepted that my brain was broken and I had absolutely no control over my thoughts, emotions, relationships, behavior…anything. it sucks. I know. I was there for many years of my life. I hope that you find relief from all the pain. I hope that you find a way out. You deserve it :)
Thank you, once again you’ve put in words my own feelings. Even worse for me, is that somehow, someway, I still have hope that this will go away, that it won’t bother my day, and every day, I am disappointed. Every day, I wonder what my brain will do that I won’t know it’s doing until I think on it later, then it’s ” Oh my Gosh! Did I really say/do that!!
Unlike other types of disabilities our brains malfunction, we can’t predict what our exact disability will be on any given day. Those with physical disabilities can usually tell it’s going to be an extra painful day, an extra tired day, or have some sort of idea what they’ll wake up to, we don’t.