I’ve talked about mood tracking before but, really, mood tracking starts with mood self-monitoring. In other words, there is nothing to track if you don’t know what’s going on in the first place. If you can’t say that you’re anxious, for example, then how are you going to track how anxious you are? But mood self-monitoring sucks because it’s a 24-hour-a day, seven-days-a-week kind-of-a-thing. With bipolar disorder, you never get a break from mood self-monitoring.
Bipolar Disorder Mood Self-Monitoring This Morning
I wake up this morning feeling “okay.” Lately, “okay” means a bit of energy, a foggy head, a desire not to get out of bed, and, later, a nasty headache. These things are normal for me.
But then, about six hours after I got up, I found myself with a major earworm, dancing around my kitchen to the music in my head and with extra, bouncy energy and I thought to myself, “Ah, hypomania.”
And this hypomania is an overlay to depressive symptoms. In other words, it’s indicative of a mixed mood.
And bouncing around, doing poorly-executed dance moves, and incorrectly singing a pop song wouldn’t exactly be a big deal for most people. But I have to pay careful attention to it in case it signals something worse (which it generally does).
Self-Monitoring Your Bipolar Moods Sucks
And that’s the thing – I can’t possibly enjoy extra, bouncy energy or spontaneous dancing because they mean something is brewing. For other people with bipolar disorder, the signs may be more or less noticeable, but for me, I know what they are and this is some of them. So I can’t enjoy them. I have to watch them. Be vigilant. Be on guard.
Normal people do not have this feeling or feel this pressure. Normal people don’t know what it’s like to watch the signals coming out of their brain all day, every day. Normal people just feel stuff and do stuff and never thinking of what it might mean. Because to them, it means nothing.
And I was thinking this morning how much watching my brain and then interpreting its signals sucks. The experience of being is less like being and it’s more like watching someone else be. And then grading them on it.
The Importance of Self-Monitoring Bipolar Disorder Moods
All this said, of course, it’s important to self-monitor bipolar moods. This is called insight. You need insight to fight the disorder. If you don’t know what you’re fighting, if you can’t see it, then you can’t possibly ever win.
Of course, now that I know there is a mixed mood present – possibly to get worse as the day progresses – I need to take steps to calm the hypomania/mixed mood down. I need to rest. I need to take a break from work. I need to de-stress, and all that stuff. So all my glorious insight just, really, interrupts my day. It interrupts in an important way. It interrupts with purpose. But interrupt it does.
So I guess this is just a complaint – a complaint to bipolar disorder:
Dear bipolar disorder,
Could we possibly schedule the times when insight is needed and other times when I get to take a break? That would be smashing.
Respectfully, Natasha.
I have had periods of very serious mood swings from clinical depression to going ‘high’/psychosis with, at times, fairly long periods in hospital. At the time I found it difficult to be really honest about how I was behaving – the typical British being in denial/stiff upper lip! However I have found that by setting up a supportive structure around myself I have introduced better pacing into my life. This includes a nurturing family, a loving husband, good friends, counselling, Recovery Education Courses/Wellbeing classes, meaningful work, regular exercise, a vegan diet, healing practices such as pilates, mindfulness, reiki, massage. The result is that I feel more balanced and self fulfilled. I have had some good support from mental health services, helping me to look at what my warning signs are and what I can do if things are going pear shaped to get back on track again. I do feel that we all need to look at our health in a holistic way. You cannot divide mental health from physical health because they are intrinsically linked. Now if I start to feel ‘down’/depressed, I ask myself whether I’m overtired or experiencing physical pain. There is often something physical underlying the depressive mood that I’m experiencing and if I start to deal with that, the mood lifts so that I’m in better spirits again! :-)
To the girl with religious issues: I understand. The evangelical church is very “black and white” i.e.) meaning this (abc belief) is exactly right, and the only right way, and anything else is “wrong” and if you are “xyz” or somewhere in the middle you don’t fit – and that’s because they can’t deal with ambiquity and mystery and suffering of life that is reality. They want to pray away “gay” and “depression” and “bi-polar” as if it “should not exist” in Christ or whatever. I understand that and have been victim to it myself. … I became Catholic b/c Catholics embrass mystery and suffering as being real and a fact of human life. . . . I suffer greatly from bi-polar depression. My offer of support to anyone is to seek help from the Medical Community and other Mental Health Groups NOT associated with relgion because this is an actual “medical disorder/disease” that we suffer from and we need real, tangible medical help. Can I get an amen? … :)
They just said I got the bipolar
I was diagnosed with bipolar II a few months ago (previous diagnosis was depression). I’m trying to find a tracking system that works for me. Curious if those who track (whether paper or app) track throughout the day — i.e. a.m. , daytime, evening? Somedays I find it hard to give a particular mood or symptom one rating because it fluctuated … or perhaps I’m making it more difficult than it needs to be?
Hi Cheryl,
If you do feel that, I completely understand. Many people have asked me for a program that will allow them to track their mood more than once a day. Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s available via app.
FYI, this is about the mood tracker I recommend: https://natashatracy.com/bipolar-disorder/mood-tracking-bipolar-disorder-how/
– Natasha Tracy
Thankyou for this post and others Natasha
I was diagnosed just over twenty years ago, and for most of those years it occasionally made its presence known, yet seemed to be in the background and manageable for the rest. More recently, these past five years, it has become a daily, minute by minute ritual of monitoring. Switching, mixing, turning on a sixpence…. So thankyou, for your validation of this experience! I dont like that you have to suffer it, yet simultaneously feel better not to be alone with the experience in this world…… all the best, D
I D,
You’re definitely now alone. Many of us live minute-to-minute. And I believe we (myself included) feel just that tiny titch better knowing there are others just like us. :)
– Natasha Tracy
I thought I was the only one suffering first of all with violent mood swings
In spite of treatment due to the change of seasons…..
Plus,my psych asks me often to keep track of moods….
But when I’m really down,I’m really a procrastinator…..
I do try ….then I say f this….
Just want to do normal ppl things without worries /consequences……
( not bad things) I’m just saying for me,I rapid cycle dangerously….
Which is my theory #1 why ppl stay far away from me….# 2 they fear me as
Apparently above their intellectual level… So my Drs have told me,anyhow
I understand waking with I call,fairy dust in your head…a migraine ,various joys life has to offer ..then late afternoon and evening I play loud rock clean,dance hours or if I’ve had a med appointment downtown
I’ll walk only if it’s afternoon walk three to four hrs till I’m home with swollen feet
Killer spinal pain,but still high as a kite.
I ask myself constantly why am I alive…..I suppose because I’m stubborn
Strong willed with Scottish and British blood …making me tough… but have a bit of a soft side….much is destroyed now which,is sad. Anyways,as always Natasha thank you for giving me a place to speak my voice
It always helps ME to do this too,along of course with my psych …wishing you best of health
I’m going through hypomania and mixed state now, too. Spring often brings it to me. Longer days, brighter sun, louder birds — all influence my mood.
I have had bi-polar for over 20 years,at first I just thought well sometimes I,m high and sometimes I,m low,
but lately Ive become aware of how complicated my thoughts are,and how cross I get when other people
don,t understand ,and seem to turn against me.I go to a very evangelical church,and I am finding it very
hard to agree with there black and white views. I,m beginning to think maybe I,m not a Christian as some
of there views bring on my depression. When I have gone very high in the past,its always involved religion,
would it be better for some one like me to avoid go’ing to church ?
Maria Sayed
What black and white views? I don’t get it; -makes no sense.
Thank you so much for your writing about everything you write. This has been the most helpful insight I’ve gathered throughout the years and along with other small sources and struggles have led to my seeking help/therapy for bipolar. I’m ever so greatful for your “voice”. Although not happy you’re also struggling, at least you’re honest and “educated”/informed about it, making this journey less “dark” for (Im sure) many of us out here. Again thanks. :-) And Cheers.
Yes, there are times when I want some days off from thinking about the disorder. Sometimes I get them.
My pdoc and I agree that I had a history of having mild hypomania as my baseline mood, so when I reach that old “baseline” I don’t fret about it, at all. It’s like a step back to my old self. Of course if significant impulsivity starts up I have to put on the breaks. Hopefully I do have insight. At least those that I’m regularly around know my situation and clue me in, if I’m clueless. From that point on the light goes on. It never used to go on before I really learned about my illness.
Dear Cyndee
I guess the deal simply is with BP we never get a vacation…..
I’m sorry as I’d say to anyone your suffering..
But education IS EVERYTHING so KEEP ON KEEPING ON.
I WAS ALWAYS DETERMINED TO NEVER LET THEM DRUG ME TO THE POINT MY GOOD BRAIN WOULD
Be scrambled eggs….or to that effect,( a metaphor)
Be well!
Sandra.