Bipolar has had a big hand in making me who I am today. That’s just a truism. But is this actually a good thing? People often say they are thankful for everything they have been through because it has made them who they are today. In fact, it’s a new year and people are saying this all over the place. But can you be thankful for bipolar because it made you who you are today?
Bad Things (Like Bipolar) Are Worth It?
I’m really tired of people saying that all the bad things that have happened to them in life were worth it because it made them who they are today. I have two things to say about this: 1. Clearly the things that happened to you weren’t bad enough and 2. Imagine how amazing you would be without having to have had years spent dealing with those things?
Bipolar Has Made Me Who I Am Today
In my case, obviously, bipolar has had a major influence in making me who I am today. I do not appreciate this, however. While, yes, bipolar has given me insight and bipolar has given me a career and bipolar has offered me greater empathy towards others, that is not enough. That does not balance out the daily suffering — not by a long shot.
Why the Gifts Don’t Make Bipolar Disorder Worth It
First off, yes, bipolar granted me insight. It’s the kind of insight (even enlightenment) that people with serious mental illness tend to have because they have to. If people with bipolar disorder don’t have this type of insight, for example, they don’t function in life. So, yes, it’s a gift, I suppose, but it’s like being given a life vest when you’re drowning — you wouldn’t need it if you weren’t drowning in the first place.
Then there’s bipolar giving me a career as a mental health patient advocate speaker and writer. That’s impressive to some. I get that. But here’s the thing, I had planned for a different career before bipolar disorder really started exerting itself. I had a fancy job at a fancy tech company and made a bunch of money before this bipolar-related career of mine. And what I’ve realized recently, is that I can no longer go back to that career, even if I want to. I can no longer work 9-to-5. I can no longer work 40 hours a week. My bipolar has made me too sick to do that. So, yes, bipolar gave me a career — that I now need because I can’t work the one I was trained to have.
Finally, there’s empathy. Yes, I do appreciate greater empathy. But it’s not like I wasn’t empathetic to start with. It’s not like I didn’t understand suffering without the bipolar disorder. I did, for a myriad of reasons. So has bipolar disorder strengthed it? I believe that it has, but that does not make bipolar disorder worth it.
Bipolar Made Me Who I Am Today — So What?
In short, there is no gift you can give me that makes having a serious mental illness that is possibly fatal worth it. If you had cancer, but you could never heal from it and it might kill you, what gift would you have to receive to offset that? Is there such a gift? Is there a gift that offsets daily pain and suffering or would you trade that pain and suffering for a normal life without those “gifts” in a heartbeat?
You know, when I worked for that tech company, everything wasn’t hunky-dory. I was a cog in a giant wheel; and, it was hard moving to the US to work for the company and living where I didn’t know anyone. Those things were difficult. But they weren’t the things that found me lying on my office floor with the lights out in the afternoons — bipolar disorder was. Those weren’t the things that made me take time off for disability — bipolar disorder was. Those weren’t the things that required electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) — bipolar disorder was.
Again, what gift would you have to be given to offset that? Nothing that I can think of would make it worth it.
If Bipolar Disorder Has Made You Who You Are and You Think It’s Worth It
Now, if you happen to be one of the people who think that being hit over the head with a two-by-four for 20 years is worth it because of where you are today, I congratulate you. Clearly you and I live in different realities. And that’s okay. I grant you yours.
But I also grant me mine.
Where I am today is a product of pain and suffering (among other things) but that’s not a good thing. I imagine where I would be today without the bipolar disorder and I sob. I weep for that life that will never happen. I weep for that happiness that I will never have. You might not feel this way about your own pain. But I do.
I know that pain kinks your path forward and I know this doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I’ve experienced some horrible things that changed my path and, yes, I got through them and I’m okay about them now. But bipolar isn’t one of those things for me. Bipolar has kinked my path over and over to the point where I’m walking on the spikes at the edge of a cliff at all times. I can’t get over it and this doesn’t make me or my life better.
I don’t get the notion that any mental illness is a gift or worth it. Would someone say diabetes is worth it? Or cancer? Sure, those also have severe impacts on a person’s life. I’ve struggled with bipolar 2 since I was a child (I showed symptoms very early on, at age five or so – I was kicked out of kindergarten because of them). I dropped out of high school because of it. I abused alcohol for many years because of it. I could not form stable relationships or friendships because of it. It has made doing any job multiples of times more difficult.
It’s really only people who want to romanticize mental illness that think it’s some sort of “gift.” It wasn’t until I got treatment that I was really able to have that weight off my back and could work consistently on job-related and creative tasks. Keep up publishing these kinds of articles, please. We can be positive in spite of this illness, but that is in spite of it, not because of it. People need to understand that this is not pleasant for those who suffer from it, and not a joke or some Hollywood version of reality.
Bipolar completely ruined any chance of a happy and healthy life, and also screwed up my ability to be a decent parent, and now my only child is gone from a heart infection brought on by drug addiction. Bipolar and I killed my little girl.
I totally agree. I can’t imagine being thankful for a disease that brings me daily suffering, I also weep for the life that will never happen and the happiness I’ll never have. So well said. Thank you,
This resonates with me. You really nailed something that is hard to explain. Thank you.
Well said, and glad I’m not the only one who feels this way. Bipolar is an insidious thief that will rob you relentlessly of vitality and quality of life regardless of how hard you work at it. I never met someone who was glad to have a health problem. IMHO, the only way you could be grateful for having it is if you like and receive sympathy, if it’s something that defines you.
sNo bipolar has done nothing but ruin my life…it keeps festering..
It surely is & that counts for me & many other also …
I have thought on some occasions that having bipolar was a kind of gift. I really can’t remember why now because it really, really isn’t. As you have so brilliantly written, it is a destroyer. As with other readers, I has had my nursing career destroyed by this illness and now my job as an administrator is at risk. My occupational health doctor is encouraging me to take ill health retirement. I don’t understand how people say that bipolar gives them greater creativity, see Stephen Fry’s books. I am a creative person but when I am ill, my creativity disappears, I can’t read or listen to music. I applaud you for being honest and for illuminating for others how mental illness really isn’t a gift but a destructive monster.
Jo
This resonates with me. Often I would prefder to be dead than bipolar. Sometimes I wouldn’t rather be dead. But I hate it all the time.
Well expressed Natasha. People say things like “Bipolar has benefitted them” as a fictional delusion ie to make them feel better about themselves. It is a horrible horrible illness both in its episodes and its chronicity. it depletes energy initiative drive destroys careers, relationships and causes unbelievable suffering. However we know all that.
What is good about your blog is that you provide hope and constructive suggestions and voice a lot of the feelings that sufferers have.
Natasha you express things so beautifully. People don’t like to hear anyone suffering from a mental illness voicing “negative”
thoughts and emotions as they view it as constant complaining. But not accepting the huge downside of any mental illness and not being willing to listen to a person who is experiencing the debilitating effects of mental illness is hugely invalidating.
Thanks for being so honest and voicing what so many of us are afraid to.
Coco
Hi C,
Thank you very much. Yes, I am aware of how “dangerous” it is to post anything negative. I always get flack for it, but I do it anyway. It’s important that we accept all sides — and some of those sides aren’t pretty.
– Natasha Tracy
I echo everything you wrote and I am sad and sorry for both of us. It too has taken me into a life of teaching and advocating for others with this illness, but it took me from being a highly regarded senior product manager, which I often miss.
Thank you for sharing your candid thoughts on this topic. I would not wish bipolar on my worst enemy, and I certainly would not wish it on myself. Thank you for all you do to help me feel better with this disabling illness. I so appreciate everything you write.