I have spent holidays without family before — on purpose. I have found that, at times, my mental health is better when I’m not spending my holidays with family. I know that sounds harsh and foreign to some, but I know that some of you out there know exactly what I’m talking about. Avoiding the drunk uncle, the abusive brother, the controlling mother, or whatever can be just what your mental health needs over the holidays.

Holidays with Family and Your Mental Health

Holidays with family can be great for you and your mental health. Sometimes, spending holiday time with loved ones, opening gifts, and glugging eggnog is exactly what you need.

However, holidays with family can also harm the mental health of some. I don’t know the percentage, but some massive percentage of people do not want to spend their holidays with family and, moreover, their mental health is worse when they do spend their holidays with family. How many Januarys have people spent in mental hospitals because the stress of the holidays was just too much? (There is actually a spike in suicides in January after a depression in rates in December.)

So, the holidays with your family could hurt your mental health or help it — it just depends on who you are and your particular situation.

Mental Health During Holidays Without Family

Some people would argue that even if your holidays with family are bad, spending the holidays alone is worse. After all, without family, who will you gain five pounds with? Or, more precisely, how will you make it seeing everyone else being with their families while you are alone? Isn’t that bad for your mental health, no matter what?

Again, I would say it depends on the person.

Some people’s families are really toxic — like, really toxic. Some people have to go home for the holidays and share a dinner table with their abuser. Some people have to go home to parents who fall down drunk every night. Some people have to go home only to witness fight after fight as each family sect claims their corner. It can be a mental health bloodbath.

And maybe your situation isn’t that extreme. Maybe you find the experience of holidays with your family just hurts your mental health for other reasons. That’s okay, too.

If you’re in one of those situations, please consider spending the holidays without your family. I’ve done it. It’s not the end of the world, trust me. Your mental health is worth at least considering this option. No one wants you to end up as one of those dismal statistics come January.

How Do You Know If You Should Spend the Holidays Without Your Family?

To me, it’s simple: your mental health is the priority. If spending the holidays with your family is going to hurt more than it is going to help, then make plans elsewhere.

Holidays without family can actually help your mental health. Here's how to do what you want and enjoy the holidays without your family.

And yes, I know people are going to decry the wants of others here:

“Oh, but it would break my mother’s heart.”

“But we’ve always been together.”

“A family should always be together on the holidays.”

Those are valid points for some. But you know what will really break your mother’s heart — you, dead of suicide.

And all those people with all those needs are supposedly the ones that love you. And if this is true, if they really love you, then they need to want what is best for you and your mental health, and you need to frame it that exact way.

Enjoying the Holidays Without Family

Enjoying the holidays without family is something you can actually do. Yes, I know, families have traditions and things you can’t do without them. So what? New traditions are great to create. You can create new traditions around your friends, around your faith, around charity, or even around your pets. Tradition need not be carved in stone for all eternity. Yes, my mother and I drink out of “Christmas mugs” every Christmas morning, and I do like that, but if I couldn’t do that, it would give me an opportunity to seek out a new, fancy, maybe unicorn-themed mug of my own to enjoy my coffee out of that day. I can create meaning myself — my mother and her mugs really don’t have to be there.

And let’s not forget, families aren’t the only people you can spend holidays with. You can spend holidays with all manner of other loved ones too. I just heard the term “Friendsgiving” (rather than Thanksgiving). That and its other holiday equivalents sound great to me.

How to Enjoy the Holidays Without Family

Planning for your holidays, no matter how you want to spend them, is crucial:

  • Make a plan of what you actually want out of the holidays. What do you want to incorporate? What do you want to skip? Do what you want outside of what others attempt to dictate to you.
  • Consider skipping town. If you’re in town with your family, it’s going to be harder to skip certain things, so why not plan a vacation somewhere instead? If you can fly to Greece, great, do that, but if you can’t, consider renting a reasonably-priced AirBnB somewhere reasonably close. And hey, you can always tell people you’re skiing for the holidays and just stay home.
  • Manage expectations. If everyone expects you to do certain things and you just don’t turn up, that’s going to be a problem for them and for you, so tell them your plans early. They may be disappointed, true, but it’s going to be a lot better than telling them at the eleventh hour that you can’t make the Christmas dinner they just spent two days making.
  • Plan alternative activities. Yes, sitting at home staring at the fireplace broadcast on TV and waiting for the magic hand to come in and add another log will likely be depressing — so don’t do that. Instead, book activities for yourself. Even if the activities are “go tour neighborhood Christmas lights” and “take a walk in the snow,” write them down so you know you will be doing something, even if it’s not what you usually do.
  • Be prepared for backlash. I admit, it’s unlikely that everyone is going to like your new plans — that’s okay — they have idealized versions of events in their heads, and you have spoiled them with a new reality. That tends to irk people. So plan what you want to say about why you’re choosing this new way of spending the holidays ahead of time. Even if it’s just something as simple as “I’m choosing to try something new to better my own mental health,” have that statement prepared. And then back yourself. It’s okay not to make everyone happy all of the time.
  • Consider spending time outside of the holidays with your family. So maybe you decide not to spend a specific day with your family; maybe you can try a different day when there’s less pressure for things to be Norman Rockwell. Maybe January 10th is when you want to spend time with your family.

All of this is to say that spending the holidays without your family can be good for your mental health, manageable, and even enjoyable. You can have your mental health and the holidays too.