I’ve written about the fact that sometimes you have to say goodbye to a person with a mental illness for the sake of your own health and sometimes even for the sake of the person with the mental illness. I believe this even though the person is sick and the sickness is not his (or her) fault.
This post has been met with relief by some and anger by others.
Some are relieved that someone is finally talking about their reality while others are appalled that I would suggest leaving someone for an illness that is not his fault.
To Those Appalled By the Notion of Leaving Someone with a Mental Illness
To those appalled I say this: be abused by an individual for years at a time. Have him hit you. Have him steal from you. Have him vandalize your home. Have him refuse treatment. Have him call the cops on you. Have him get addicted to drugs. Have him rage at you when they see you. Have him endanger your children.
Only then can you start to judge the people who have lived this reality daily. Only then can you understand what it’s like to truly need to protect yourself from another human being.
To Those Who Have Left a Person with a Mental Illness
I think it’s important to remember that you deserve safety, sanity and happiness in this life. It’s important to remember that just because someone insists on dragging his own life to the bottom of the ocean, doesn’t mean that you have to let them drag you there too.
Yes, I said “insists.” That is because when we’re an adult we have to take some responsibility for the choices that we make. Yes, some of those choices are deluded by illness, but we still choices: treatment or not, abuse someone or not, pick up the crack pipe or not. No one lives an entire life without the wherewithal to make a different choice. Ask anyone with a serious mental illness. They did it. Others can too.
And I share with you this sentiment that interventionists have shared with people dealing with drug addicts:
There is nothing I won’t do to help you get better, but there is nothing I will do to help you remain ill.
Yes, that means you still support that person and love that person but that doesn’t mean that you have to sit around and watch them destroy themselves. Any time they want to stop you’ll be there for them, but until that point, you have to choose your own sanity over their destruction.
Enabling a Mental Illness
Because just like with addiction, (a mental illness in its own right) you can enable another person’s mental illness. By always offering a person with a mental illness a place to live, while they destroy their home and steal from you, you are enabling them not to have to take responsibility of their own lives. By allowing the person with the mental illness to abuse you physically or emotionally, you are allowing the person not to have to take responsibility for their own actions.
You are enabling their mental illness. You are part of the problem.
Now exactly when support turns into enabling is a tricky thing, but a large part rests on whether the person with the mental illness is getting help or not. I believe that when a person is trying to get help we need to support them as best we can. When a person chooses not to get help, well, it’s like anyone else with a problem that they refuse to face – sometimes it devours them.
Leaving a Person with a Mental Illness
And to be clear, no one wants to leave another person. No one wants to cut off contact. The people who do this are full of remorse, fear, sadness and pain. But I just want to reiterate that sometimes it is the right choice. You have a right to safety. You have a right to respect. You have a right to happiness. You have a right to a good life.
From the botton of my heart, thank you Natasha. It is very rare that someone truly understands why at times we need to leave a person with mental illness as well as the dameges a person with mental illness can cause to others.
I’ve had my fair share of leaving, or having to cut people with mental illness from my life. From spouse, to family and friends. They were refusing, still are, treatment, they were physically and otherwise dangerous to me. All sorts of things both mentioned on your post and comments happened. We really cannot be the Titanic.
I have been in a very toxic relationship with my partner for almost 10 years now and dealing with her mental illness. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and schizoeffective( not sure if i spelled it right) plus bpd and bipolar disorder. All these came after only a few months of starting a relationship. I was shocked nevertheless i stood beside her every episode, every hospital stay and treatment and all. Even through being left a few times, twice to go be with someone who she had been talking to behind my back usually during her “episodes “ or whenever she goes off her meds. Then she gets better again after hospitalization and comes to her senses and begs me to come back professing her undying love for me and how much she wants to marry me and how me and the kids are everything to her. The last two years i got a break from her walking out on me and recently promising as she frequently does she will never do that to me again. But recently her behavior has worsened because of course she stopped meds and dont keep dr appointments and she drinks and has started abusing amphetamines heavily and energy drinks and never really sleeps. Over the last month i’ve noticed her work days get longer and longer and she’s always got an excuse as to why she couldn’t make it home before 10 pm when work closes at 3 pm. I’ve also noticed her extreme friendliness and meeting strangers all the time getting random numbers and spending time with co workers way too much and not spending time with me at all. It’s always somehow my fault and although i threatened to leave about a month ago if she didn’t get treatment she went but got out 7 days later and became so much worse. Her bizarre behavior recently pushed me over the edge and for the first time ever i’m the one who packed up and left. We went several days with no contact until finally she began calling me begging me back saying she would do anything to fix us including rehab, inpatient whatever she had to do. I come back reluctantly only for her to pull the same stuff literally the next day. She had just finished being extremely affectionate and loving before leaving for work and we spoke briefly as i was driving to work and then i get the usual text telling me she’s clocked out waiting on the bus and she loves me.. repeatedly told me she loves me over a text. That was the last time i heard from her. She didn’t come home that day and i was literally worried sick . Finally the next afternoon she calls after i repeatedly called and text her all night and informs me she didn’t do anything but wanted me to know she got into trouble at work and got scared and ran and so she just slept outside. None of it even sounded remotely true and of course i was furious and i told her to come get all her stuff that it was packed and waiting. Unbelievably she gets angry at me for being upset with her for hurting me once again and tells me she thought i loved her for her but i’m just not the chosen one and we aren’t staying together. i can’t even begin to explain the hurt, pain, anger, frustration and any bad emotions you can imagine i’m feeling them all. So i finally blocked all contact and it’s now going on 3 days and she’s never come for her belongings which mean the world to her or anything she owns she just left everything and dropped off from earth. I’m so upset and so confused and hurt and i definitely believe she’s ran off with someone else again and even though i an so done for real this time i just want to understand why she would put me through this pain and hurt again after she just went to extreme to get me back home just to leave me?? I want to understand if she ever really loved me at all? can she help her behavior? is she having a psychotic episode or does she fully understand what she’s doing to me and does she even care? Is she capable of truly caring? Please help!!
good for you. leave your family and loved with brain cancer, Lou Gehrigs disease, advanced alzheimers, down syndrome, blindness, deafness, they don’t deserve love, good for you.
Hi Sister,
I think you have missed the point. The illness isn’t the point. The danger someone may pose is. No one is saying you should leave anyone who is ill because they are ill. Some people, though, choose to leave others who are harmful to them.
— Natasha Tracy
This post hits at the core of what I have been struggling with for several years. My partner of 10 years has been diagnosed with bipolar 1 three times. He has been hospitalized for several weeks and spent time in jail. Each time he is released he follows the treatment plan for about a month and then says he no longer needs it. I have dealt with every aspect of abuse described in this article and he has left me/moved out several times. I always have let him come back because I truly love him and want him to be healthy. I have offered to go with him to the doctor, to go to counseling together, etc. I have had a mental health professional on the phone and he has refused to speak with them. If I mention his diagnosis I may be blocked from communication for weeks at a time. I set boundaries and they have been used against me. Recently, I had to separate from him for my safety but I am hurting so much. If he is my partner, I feel I should be there for him when he needs me. It is a very tough situation to be in. I want us to have a healthy and happy relationship. I want him to be healthy. I really don’t want to go, but I don’t know what else I can do.
Thank you!!! I needed this article. I just had the police remove my husband from the home. He attacked me and my son, while physically attacking my daughter during a episode of rage. I’m done!!! I don’t need this and neither do my kids. I cannot stick by anyone who refuses to get help and completely destroy our right to be happy. And for all those that say I’m wrong for my decision, I invite you to live a life with him and tell me how you feel in the end. I can no longer sit around and be enabler because that’s worse than the illness itself.
Yes, I feel the same as I’m in the same situation as you are.
I always wanted to end this relationship as it’s not getting any better because he refused to take his medication as per his doctor.
He Denys that he has the biopolar disorder even though all his family members know that he does.
He is not responsible for the family at all. Sometimes he just ghosts out on me and my kids for days or even weeks without answering my phone calls. I’m confused to as what just happened. And then he shows up home after a while being away and pretends everything is fine. I have two small children and honestly don’t know how to support them alone by myself. And with this economic That everything is so expensive and don’t have a babysitter to look after my kids While im at work. I’m all up in the air and don’t know what to do.
I left my bipolar husband. On his bad days I’d be tossed around like a ragdoll, I’d be verbally abused, I’d be accused of everything and anything being my fault, and none of the issues in his life belonged to him, he insisted they were all my fault. During the last mania I endured he berated me to the point where I froze. The most I accomplished was for him to agree to go together to visit a marriage therapist to “improve our communications”. It is difficult to communicate effectively when someone blames everything on you. We never made it to that appointment. Two days before it was scheduled he made the choice, while manic, to get into the car and drive. I’d hidden the main keys, he had hidden and taken the spare. He then drove down my street and killed someone with the car. He was arrested. He was accused of murder. I stood by him, while he was in jail and he finally listened to me and asked the jail doctors to be medicated properly and request therapy, albeit very limited. It wasn’t until his family got involved that things went south. They enabled his entitled beliefs, the “poor him” mentality, the “this isn’t your fault” beliefs. They manipulated him With threats and strange ideas of “respect” and “we’re doing this for you, so you have to do what we say” threats. In short instead of backing me and making the harder choices he did whatever his family – parents and friend – wanted and expected me to fall in line. I was fighting for our future and for his stability. He was in recovery from a mood episode. He made his choice, he went where his behaviours would be excused. He choose the easier path. It was a hard choice for me, and leaving someone you care about while they are vulnerable and recovering, but it was a choice I had to make.
Dear Gina,
I don’t know if you will
Ever see this reply but I was very moved by your post. I think that is terrible
ThT you had to go through that,
And I can relate because my Fiancée has san undiagnosed bipolar disorder. Yes, I can’t diagnose him because I am not a medical professional, however my sister is bipolar too and I see the signs. His family refuses to admit he has a problem because they don’t believe in western medicine or medication. He has never even had his blood drawn or been vaccinated. Long story short,
I commend your strength and am sending you positivity and love. Thank you for sharing.
:)
My wife is 47 and has Schizoaffective Disorder. She was diagnosed as having this illness after being sectioned in January 2012. Not once during the last 8 years has she ever self-managed the illness. Lately, the last year, she has become highly abusive towards me. Claiming she works a 100 hours a week (watching television) while I try and keep everyone and everything else in the house afloat (including a special needs daughter who I do the vast majority of all the care for). I have reached the point whereby I either stay or go. Stay, on the promise, that she voluntarily seeks treatment. Accepts it, sticks to it, commits to it fully. Or I will divorce her. A horrible situation and ultimatum to give but I cannot stay with someone who does nothing to help themself. I could understand if she relapsed, but was genuinely trying to look after herself. But she does none of that and so all I then become is an enabler. No more.
Jason, I totally hear you. I’m in a longstanding marriage of 30 plus years and my husband is diagnosed with Bipolar, Narcissism, and Borderline Personality Disorder. I have raised our daughter and worked endlessly to be financially solvent. I am verbally abused, especially when he drinks or when I interrupt him from watching t.v. While laying in bed. I’m almost 61 years old and I, honestly, do not care anymore. Our country does NOTHING for mental illness and it’s all on the caregivers. I might love him, but dislike him. Our daughter dislikes him. My friends, family, dislike him. It’s like living with a ticking time bomb who believes I am the problem. God be with everybody who has to deal with this.
I don’t even know if I’m a member of this site, but would like to be. Testing now to see if this reply ‘sends.
I am 74 years of age my adult daughter diagnosed with schizophrenia. She refus to take her medication and does not believe she has a mental illness. I can’t cope any longer and am sooo depressed. Trying to work out ways to detach from her, with love. If that is possible?
Just wanted to agree with you Jason that all I am doing is enabling her.
I tried but to not succeed on many occasions over the years to steer my oldest son towards help, he was sectioned on many occasions under the mental health act, paranoid psychophenic he repeatly attacked me, spitting biteing me throwing me around, breaking in to my home stealing from me, and subjecting me to hours of evil abuse which made no sense to me, I eventually moved a few miles out of town to escape his mental abuse of me, he found where I was and it began again, police being called etc who made it law he was not to visit my home, he was found dead on a well used footpath 2 weeks later of an overdose of a drug not of his choice, the guilt I feel is overwhelming, just wish I could have my once loving son to hold and love and tell him I love him but hated his illness and my love as a mother never changed whatever his illness did to me and his brothers x
My heart goes out to you. However ill and addicted your son was it was bigger than you and you could not have fixed it. I am dealing with a mentally ill brother who rages and will not get help. Yes they are ill but they still have choices. Please don’t blame yourself. There are so many of us out there that would do anything to help them if only we could.
Sorry for your loss. That sounds very painful indeed.
wow lady I have never in my 25 years of life heard anything more incompetent. your a person who sounds drug addiction and mental illness as the same illness. mental illness is a chemical imbalance in the brain pretty much. for mental disorder that has been present all ones life. not just developed after habits, trautests etc.
how can someone make the choice to get help when they didn’t have the choice when they made their first breath.
someone who’s brain is not like everyone who is balanced it’s not as easy as you make it seem. you seem to be stuck on addicts who have their own diagnoses which isn’t the same.
I agree. This whole “victim” outcry for having to deal with someone elses “mental illness” is sick in itself. Mental illness is not a choice and knowing you are ill is not a choice either. The most disgusting absurd thing I have ever read. Natasha wants attention and validation to excuse herself from abandoning someone who doesn’t even know they are in need of help. Get over yourselves.
No it’s sure isn’t a choice. It is a miserable life long pain. I have bipolar 1. I’m a very caring person but in pain every second of my life. This is so sad. I’m sitting here googling how to break my self out of months of isolation and I come across this site. Thank you Natasha for these such kind and thoughtful words! Your sure make the world great!! ?
Hv, I feel with you. To read from your isolation mad me feel sorry for you and I felt close to because I mad the same experience. I read through the article and comments and shared a understanding for lots of people here who are living a desperate relation and want to get out of it. And I tried to compare myself with the people who are the ones that cause all the trouble because they are having a mental disease. We can probably not say that the plenty of examples are the average of behavior of all people who are having a disease like bipolar1, but I experience the same that family feel the need to take distance and does hurt me through that separation incredible. When I am suffering the isolation of a depression I have no capacity to bare that family is not around me and the distance is that much pain it is driving me crazy. I am in this difficult situation and the others they have there daily live witch allows them to suppress a lot of feelings about taking distance. Natasha and other comments explain that it won’t be easy to separate a beloved one but circumstances require that to keep your self well. I must leave for now, maybe I will continue writing because it is a very important part about how we lose relationships and what we could do against. It is very difficult for me to understand the other part of my relationship. I asked my therapist why she did not tell me that I am currently suffering a mania and she said because everyone else did and she wanted to keep our relationship.
Lady you have no clue what do you have a little touch of bp. I’m not insisting on dragging my life down to the bottom nor do I wish to take anyone with me. MY BIPOLAR DOES THIS FOR ME I CANT CONTROL MY THOUGHTS OR ACTIONS. If you really have it and have been fighting it for 18 yrs u wouldn’t have ever written something like this. I make decisions but they are small choices to get up to eat shower get dressed, so if you call that dragging me and someone else to the bottom lady go back to school go live my life yours sounds like a cake walk gee I could so your life blindfolded I WOULD LIVE TO SEE YOU STEP INTO MY SHOES…
THATS RIGHT STEP INTO MY SHOES. YOU WOULDN’T BE ABLE TO HANDLE A STEP IN THEM.
Mental ill people are sometimes dangerous to other people and themselves or their caregivers. As long as we as a country ignore Mental Health in this country, we are all in danger. In this country it’s not a lot of support for mentally ill people. She is right it is a time to leave someone with mental illness. Such as that person is being violent to you or very abusive. The non mentally ill spouse has a right to be happy also, and kept out of harms way.
I suffer from bipolar I am now getting the proper help but I find it much more difficult now that my lived one left me its very hard sitting alone now with my rapid thoughts and decision making and focus the person left me and yes that there right but on another hand she said she lived me so much no matter what when I was in my good episodes 4 years ago she was struggling hard with her identity I help pump her up get the proper resources she needed while keeping my mental illness quiet she got power from me and got everything together and when my manic episodes got worse she thought if I talked to god he would give me the power to fix myself well…..its not that easy it’s not like I want to be depressed or go through mania it’s just the chemical imbalance with no medication I cannot help or resist my thoughts and actions and I’m not a drug addict mental illness is seriouse and not the same thing as being an addict on drugs breakups make a person that in the spiral already get way worse trust me suicide becomes 10 fold I know you have every right to leave but if you truly live that person you will see it thro or before you leave try and get the proper help they need not leave block your number and so and so forth just remember you got in the relationship falling in love with this person when things get hard we are not luggage or garbage we just need support and feel lived and hers trust me when that person with mental illness knows your around and live them no matter what they will eventually come out of there spiral theyjuat really confused inside anyways this article really pissed me off cause I’m living it right now
Then tell the people who are being abused and torn down by the people who have these challenges how to cope. How do you cope when they threaten you with taking their own lives because you won’t bend or tell them they were in the right when clearly they were in the wrong, when they lie to you and manipulate you constantly and are abusive to you and the people they claim they love. Even when this person seeks help and you still get shit on for apologizing when they say you’ve hurt them. When they don’t take responsibility for hurting people but get down your throat for if you ask them for the same. Even after you’ve defended them to no end and shamed people for not understanding them for over 15 years. For those who have empathized with the people who are going though mental illness issues but are getting manipulated, shamed and abused while they do all they can to defend the person with the mental illness. There is only so much they can take from the mentally ill person. Especially when boundaries of the smallest amount of decency are broken because the other person is “dealing with stuff”. Tell me we shouldn’t make sure that we are safe from abuse. From manipulation and being used. If you cannot tell me why someone should not be abused, then enlighten me and others to another method. I get you and others have issues, but doing terrible things to people (maybe you don’t, but from my experience and the experiences of many others, this seems pretty common), and justifying it with mental illness is wrong. Please, tell us how then we are supposed to take the continual beatings from people with this issue as for years I have and now cannot keep doing it due to the impact is has on myself and I am sure the others that feel this exact way.
This is so true, I was married for twenty five years , and took so much abuse. First thing I never knew that my ex wife had a mental illness, it was hidden from me . Her family knew. So the manipulation is what they do. I lived the terrible life with a mentally ill wife, whom I love and did everything in my power. She refused to see doctors, I went to her family for help and nobody help. I finally stood my ground and filed for divorce, Yes I love her, but I had to love myself also. People do not or probably will never understand what it takes to deal with a spouse whom suffer from mental health without family support.
Amen. I am sick of the abuse from my wife and the constant manipulations to make it my fault. And we are supposed to convince someone who thinks everything is someone else’s fault that they need treatment? You cannot deal with someone who lives in an alternate reality. No way. You just have to get away to save yourself. And great. That means losing your shirt in a divorce too. Isn’t life so fair? Or am I supposed to feel sympathy for the poor sick individual who brought this on me?
How do you leave them when they refuse to leave your home? What do you do when in your heart you know he may follow through w the many threats to kill us or himself. We want him gone. It’s so bad.
My heart goes out to you and all those who have posted. I was married 23 yrs to my husband who had schizo-affective disorder with features. In re: to your question. If they won’t leave the only other alternative is for you to leave. That’s a lousy choice isn’t it. I faced that. No doubt the place you two live at was all gained by your hard work and deligence. That was the situation in my case. At the time I still had enough fire to refuse to ousted out with nothing but the clothes on my back because of MI. Hindsight is 20/20. I look back on all that now and I think I really should have left to be able survive for my own personal mental and physical health. The last 5 yrs of our marriage was that he ended up in a mental hosptial lock-up ward, from there he went to a nursing home. Had it not been for that I would have had no choice but to leave w literally the clothes on my back. He passed on in 2021 due to a host of long-term illnesses he had. I can attest to the fact that people cannot really speak on this issue unless they have been used and abused on a long term basis. This comes w verbal abuse, gaslighting, them being a full out narcissist, everything is your fault not their’s, continually complaining and telling friends, family, coworkers what have you about how terrible a person you are and what you don’t do etc etc. Noone can nor should have to endure such long term chronic pain. I’m serious, one ends up having to exit the situation by some means on end up going insane themselves or worse, be severly injured or killed.
My daughter who is 45 now has MS lesions in her brain and mental illness, I’ve raised her son now 24 because he couldn’t live in it. She is so violent and always destroying things and somebody is always coming in her home and stealing and putting garbage in her ears and food. She always keeps me upset so it’s no wonder I can’t keep my bp down. She has a MS dr and a psychiatrist but seems like neither has helped. I’m at my limit I can’t handle much more, I’m a widow and my 40 year old son lost his leg in 2016 from a blood clot who has multiple health problems and isn’t able to work and his wife walked out and left him, he lives alone and I help take care of him also. It keeps me so stressed I’m afraid I’m going have a stroke, I have always helped my children as much as I can, it’s just keeping me so stressed I can’t sleep. She has no friends and is alone , but then she will call me screaming and cussing me saying I’ve stole money from her or like I fixed her car then she accused me of taking her tires and came over and looked at our vehicles to see if I had her tires. I hate not to be there for her, I’ve had to block her from calling then she will come over and I try again….. a mom thing it just keeps eating me alive it’s like I’m living in hell because of her.
I know how you feel Mom in distress. Adult daughter with schizophrenia who refuses medication. I am 74 now and can no longer cope. I’m so depressed.
I have a partner who I have totally supported for the last 3 years (financial and in all domestic tasks) We initially had a physical relationship of which my MS and his illness results in virtually zero libidos or ability (it’s not everything, more to life). He suffers from schizophrenia. He seems to go in an almost regular cycle of shutting himself in his room and remaining glued to the internet for a couple of days, (not a peep out of him) I can’t get him to eat properly. Then after two or three days, he will start laughing and praising himself (in a second or third voice) this will continue for a day or two. He will become restless and the chastising himself and those he is in sole conversation with. Often yelling profanities and comments of hatred for those as he looks straight at them (could be directly in front of him or above him. He will not acknowledge anything or anybody except the voices of which he hears and speaks. At times it is as if there are three or four persons in the room with him. Always the same voices, and the names he gives them. He becomes angered with women (reliving a past toxic relationship of which (I am aware he was on the receiving end). He has become violent towards myself and threatening harm to my 7-year-old cat (who is my substitute child and my world). On the first occasion of violence he just walked up to me (I was sitting on the verandah and with close fists hit me either side of my head four times. When he returned from his walk (I was still a little stunned) I asked him what made him do that to me. He replied ‘I was proving a point’ we spoke about it further a little later and he was extremely sorry and was (all signs reflected) that he could never do something like that again. Then for, several weeks, he was his adorable self. Then the cycle started again, this time in the last phase he came up to my desk (I work from home) and let loose (numerous hits in the head, legs, torso and as I was using my feet to try a push him away he bit my feet. Also attempting to damage my computer of which I needed for work.. I mend and can repair most things. Although I threatened to call the ambulance/police, but couldn’t bring myself to. Knowing that he would end up being forcibly detained in mental health (of which has happened to him before and he was tasered, and the treatment was to medicate him into a drooling, mush than sits aimlessly staring. Until meal time (it was horrible to see) then to have his phycologist as questions such as ‘have you ever woken in the morning and feel like you are covered in blood after killing your family’ he came home after this was said to him absolutely mortified and as he was then on voluntary sessions, said he could not go back to listen to that type of thing. But he is now, put me in a situation where I can not concentrate, and am on guard (so is my cat – he is very skittish). My work is severely affected and as a result, I am in a financial dilemma and severely behind in mortgage payments and question over having funds to pay future bills (even funds for food). Even so, I just can’t bring myself to make the phone call, that I know will end his freedom and 19 days out of 20 happiness. I will find a way to get funds (even selling what possessions I can or what somebody will buy) His family has no interest in his life at all. I am, virtually all he has. I have been playing him binaural frequencies (specifically created for the treatment of schizophrenic delusions and hallucinations. So far I am sure has skipped the aggressive phase in one cycle. I hope that by following the psychologist’s recommendations playing time and frequency he won’t (as indicated) have these delusions anymore. I couldn’t bear to be the one that leaves him in a corner, alone – just smiling saying his name.
I and my husband went through eight years of misery with our son who is suffering from mental illness, we tried everything and found out there is little or no help for these people who are suffering. They have to want to get better. When my son choked me it was the last straw, I called the police and had him arrested. He was sent to the State hospital and was diagnosed with schizophrenia and was incompetent to stand trial. While he was incarcerated we evicted him from our home, because he established residency and it was the only way we could get him out. Because he was found incompetent to stand trial the judge dismissed the charges and he was released from jail, this was during the winter. I found him wandering around town and brought him to a homeless shelter and told him he could never live with us again. He had to take responsibility for his own life. We allow him to visit, eat with us and wash his clothes but he can’t stay with us anymore. The fear I felt when he choked me is something I never want to experience again. I’m not sorry for evicting him.
Ppl with mental illness self- medicate as in using alcohol or some other mind altering substance.Some never are treated or diagnosed.There is alot of ppl now looking at alternate medicine in general .I guess someone could try different things or with prescribed stuff but doing something & not using something to alter the mind in a buzz way .
Hi, my girlfriend has bipolar it’s been a rollercoaster ride every single week I’ve been finished. The first months were amazing everything was okay. Then she came office her ain’t depressants and now she’s been up and down. I’m so confused about it all. I feel broken. It’s all new to me. I don’t want to larvae her I’ve never loved anyone the way I love her. She said her medication ain’t working and she’s tried so hard to make everyone else happy thinking she’s okay when In reality she’s not. I just need someone to talk too. She telling me she doesn’t want to be here anymore, she has a loving family her Children are all happy and healthy & a job and a girlfriend who loves her more than she’ll ever know. She’s even said her self it ain’t me. I’m so confused when all I’ve done is love her. We planned our future togther and everything she said she’s going to phone Doctors and change meds or get more. It’s all new to me ive never felt so depressed in my life. I love this woman so much. But don’t want it affecting the kids when she finishes me every week. Do I get over her or will she never change and be more level headed ? It’s so hard when your so in love.
Thank you for writing what you did. So often people shy away from saying anything that can be controversial for fear of offending someone, but as a result, people cannot discuss important matters and receive important perspective from others.
I have found it helpful to read posts from both those who support this article and those who do not.
I have been married to a man with Bipolar I, anxiety, and ADD for twelve years. I don’t believe either of us understood how ill he was for most of our marriage. His condition makes it hard for him to express his thoughts and feelings, so instead of talking about things that bother him, he keeps his negative feelings to himself, causing them to build and warp over time. Eventually, he uses them to justify destructive behavior.
Like many here, I have tried to lighten my significant other’s burden the best that I knew how. No matter how much I read, research and talk to others, I know I do not understand his struggle. Similarly, he does not understand mine.
It took me a long time to be able to say that what I am experiencing is a struggle. I held the belief that life was so hard for him, how could I even say that what I was going through held importance.
But it does.
We all matter…those who suffer with mental illness and those who love those with mental illness.
I don’t know where the line is between support and enabling. I don’t know where the line is between abuse and not.
I recently went to spiritual direction (like counseling, but with a religious leader), who told me there needs to be a line of what you can live with and what you cannot. During one of my husband’s more grounded moments, I spoke with him, and he agreed.
I often feel like my husband’s hold on reality is much like someone trying to hold water in their cupped hands. He can hold it for a time, but it slips through his fingers, and he can only retain a fraction of it. My heart breaks for him.
His actions, that I understand are significantly impacted by this mindset, however, break my heart for me and for my children.
In my particular case, I wonder if even if both people believe they are trying their best, if that is enough, or if sometimes the situation is unhealthy for all parties involved and the best and most loving thing is to seperate.
My heart goes out to all of you. Regardless of which partner/friend you are in the relationship, you deserve to feel valued and worthy of love. I hope you all find your way there.
Hi Linda,
Thank you for sharing your wise words. I may steal your metaphor about reality being water in cupped hands — it’s very true. (I hope you don’t mind.)
I just want to emphasize that you’re right — he’s important, his suffering is important, but so are you and so is yours.
Thank you again.
– Natasha Tracy
Natasha,
Steal away. I am a retreat facilitator by trade. I have stolen many a metaphors from other presenters over the years.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and promoting discussion on this topic. It is a great service to others.
-Linda
This written as if it were me. I did not realize or truly understand the depths of his illness, even though I was raised in a home with mentally ill patents. I do not have much contact with any family and I am an only child, and my only uncle will say on the rare chance I speak with him that he does not know how I turned out ok with what I had gone through as a child and young adult. So I am married to someone with mental illness that he is unable to cope with life, cannot express him self , and has done some bizarre and disturbing things that I cannot feel safe or trust. These things did not come to light in the beginning of the relationship but gradually after stressful events that are not uncommon to marriages and in life but he could not cope and has done things that are quite unimaginable to many and I wonder if those same posters who are reactive to the notion you sometimes have to leave a person with mental illness would accept what has happened to me and my children. It took a long time to speak about it to a counselor and they said most people would of reacted in such away that instead I was able to handle it by taking action to make sure my children were safe and then stepping back to see that the behavior was the result of his severely unhealthy mindset to the point of psychosis , possibly cries for help. But how do you continue like this with no hope in sight? I want to keep an intact family, i wish him healing and a sense of piece within, but he only touches on the strategies to help himself and im at the point needing so desperately something from him he is not able to give. And finding others who share this experience and feeling, although we all wish so much this was not part of how life can be experienced, helps to say we are not alone but many of us still struggle in silence because we have no support system to turn to and the stigma that still continues. Thank you Linda for your post .
You are correct, society don’t support mental health caregivers, nor do they own family. Married too someone with mental health issues are horrible , especially with children, the abuse, unstable life is just terrible and add to that family members act as though everything is fine. You are suffering in salience. Most people and their families know that they have mental issues , before they even marry, but they conceal them to their new spouse, in that case you do not owe them anything, because the marriage is a fraud.
I am also with a bipolar partner we live in an apartment together and I am so done sick and tired of him. I have 3 kids plus a one year old with him and another one on the way. He drinks and flips out complains that he does everything and that I’m lazy he don’t work but I do have a full time job and am the one that supports the family. It’s the weekend I’m off of work he decided to drink and is just nagging at me has ruined my weekend. I don’t know how to get him out of here. He won’t leave. I want to be in peace. Good thing the apt lease expires soon I just want to pack everything and leave to my moms I’m just scared he will flip seeing me packing up.
It’s been 16 years of the same behavior and I have made the hard decision to block all access/phone numbers etc. and never speak with him again. He has bipolar disorder, doesn’t take meds, refused the diagnosis (20 yrs ago) by saying ” I’m not bipolar, I’m just crazy”. The bottom line problem is the cheating hypersexuality. He never apologizes for his behavior. Once caught, he claims that even though I am a ” wonderful woman, it’s just not there” but he ” would like to stay great friends”- to me, this says- ” I still want you to do all the work, buy all the food and do anything I ask of you, while I sleep with someone else”-not going to happen- the thing is, I can set my calendar by this behavior- wonderful in January, sucks by April, cheats in May and tries to come back in September, makes it to Thanksgiving, cheats through December, wants to come back in January. He has had 2 wives ( one for six months, one for 8 years and 3 finances’ all who left him for other men)-I am done, I cannot go through this again-I have basically told him that I have done everything he asked of me, bought all of the food etc. and still got back the same self centered lying cheat, he is dead to me- this will never be fixed because he won’t own up to it and I can’t deal with it anymore. Especially when he tells me ” you have no reason to be jealous, you need to trust me” etc. Unfortunately, I am like Yoda- all I have to do it reach out a hand and I can feel the upset in the universe. I just can’t do it anymore.
Mental illness doesnt make you a bad person, but it also doesn’t necessarily mean your a good person afflicted with an illness either. The people who are trying to get help and doing all they can to get well and stay well are good people afflicted with a chronic illness. Those who seem to think they are blameless and everyone else is at fault and dont actively seek help/ better themselves are bad people with a chronic illness. Just like a nun and a nazi could both get cancer, both “good” and “bad” people can have a mental illness. Thank you for saying the truth, that sometimes its ok to let the “bad” ones go.
Thank you for this helpful forum—my first visit. I am an accomplished and successful professional, married for several decades to my erstwhile wonderfu, now bipolar-sufferering wife. I have always loved and supported (and enabled) her. A little over 2 decades ago, her symptoms became problematic for our entire family. She has caused me no end of embarrassment and eventually caused me to leave public life. I am battered and humiliated (though I’m not looking for sympathy) and now feel like I am at the end of my rope. She has no one left on this planet who is willing to deal with her, let alone help her. Therefore, I am her only support/lifeline. I see no options for me, which means I will continue to live in hell on earth until one of us passes away. I realize this sounds whiny and she has a psychiatrist with medications galore, all to no avail. I feel helpless, even with all the resources that are around. I was once very happy; now I am constantly miserable. BPD is murdering my family.
Dave, I’ve bipolar. What you have been through, what you and your family continue to go through, I can only imagine..
I have never had such a love/ hate relationship as I do with this article. I’d be surprised if Natasha envisaged the responses, the horror stories, the plight of so many suffering at the hands off those with bipolar partners. Only you know what to do, whether to stay or to go. Being bipolar myself, i believe naturalistic traits can creep into our illness if we allow it. Can start out as co dependency, or heavy reliance on our partner ote family. Yes, outta eat to get fixated on it, especially after years of being ill. But, in my experience, those ego truly fight there illness, there will always be glimmers of sorrow, of regret, of seeking help, being medication compliant.
To not do these and expect those around us to stay, is narcissistic in my opinion. And terribly involving. I dont believe i am like that, yet ill never inflict my illness on someone again after two failed marriages. Only you know when to keave, but endangerment to your family on both a physical and mental level must be considered.
Stay safe.
Thank you for standing up and sharing your life experiences. I totally agree people don’t understand what we live through. It’s a nightmare where I have thought about taking my life because I felt stuck and didn’t know any way out. But now I’m going to stay strong for my kids and remove myself and love me. Thank you again!!
Natasha’s blog is very accurate and, unfortunately, many are angry about the advice to leave severely mentally ill individuals. If you are suffering mental illness you are often oblivious of the heartache, misery and stress caused to those around you, and the only solution is to get well so that you can relate to others again.
Anosognosia is the impairment of a person’s ability to perceive their mental illness and is the main reason people with bipolar and schizophrenia refuse to acknowledge they are mentally ill, or refuse treatment. This is devastating for family members. The only way to prevent becoming severely ill yourself is to sever contact. Its heartbreaking but it’s the only option.
In response to Ian’s comment that well people can behave in such a way, I’d assert they have an undiagnosed mental illness, or a disordered personality. Either way its intolerable and life is just too short to swallow poison every day. Thank you natasha for a brave insightful article. Congratulations for being a survivor!?
I think this article is an unbalanced view and one which is reflective of experiencing the worst level of mental illness.
It’s dangerous to suggest a person with a mental illness subjects people to such awful treatment without pointing out that people who are ‘well’ can also behave in such a way. Perhaps that person is simply a prick and uses their illness as an excuse. Or perhaps that person hasn’t been afforded the right level of care and have been failed by the system.
Of course everyone has a right to be happy, and happiness is the responsibility of the individual. But those of us who are ill require help from the system.
There are those who leave abusive partners, and rightfully so. But there are others who leave partners with only mild symptoms. That is wrong in my opinion, and is a betrayal of trust.
If I lost my legs in a car crash, I would expect my partner to push me up hills when I was too tired to do it. Occasionally I might get frustrated with that and act out. That’s part and parcel of being in a relationship.
If I lost my legs in a car crash, and asked my partner to push me up a hill whilst applying the brakes, and then beat them with a stick both verbally and physically for not pushing hard enough then yes, leave them…
Thank you so much for this analogy. I have struggled for 2 years with the fact that I left my husband in the worst of times in our life. I was working 70 hours a week to make ends meet and failing at that. There was no help with household chores as well. I was exhausted both physically and mentally. We had struggled with his bipolar for years, but he wouldn’t seek help himself, yet alone pick up his own medications. There were no boundaries I could set to relieve the burdons I had, because he would blame me for being selfish. Though there was no physical abuse, there was plenty of emotional abuse in our marriage. It came to a point where if I wanted to continue to be there for our teenage children, I had to leave him. My work performance was suffering and I was an emotional wreck, which doesn’t work well when you are the sole financial supporter of the family. When I did leave, my financial situation improved and my children thrived. It still amazes me how calm our household is and it took me a very long time to embrace the feeling of not being anxious all the time. My ex husband often says that if I supported him and understood his illness, he would have gotten better. But, when someone is applying the brakes and yelling at you as you are trying to push him uphill, it becomes impossible.
Ian, I sense a very personal response here. I think everyone would agree that there are degrees of illness, impact and issues caused to others and it is an individual choice on how to react to this. If it were me, im sorry but illness or not I could not bear the hurt and pain described in some responses and would walk away from the abusive relationship – I am not a bandaid and illness is not an excuse so I won’t stay because its due to mental illness when help is available. My mom is Bipolar, and for many years ive supported her because my pop is, well useless. A lifetime of support and now i am her latest target, I cannot bear the pain nor cope with the impact this is having on me and my family. I am in despair and enroute to a severe depression if i don’t walk away. I will continue to provide support, albeit at a distance, but for my own sake I can no longer have a relationship with my mom. Sad, this has its own impact on me although more manageable that the day to day trauma caused by by moms illness and unwillingness to get help. So its personal, many posts are written because of personal experience and often its just plain hurt. The one thing that hurts most, there is no recollection or acknowledgement of the damages caused, no apology, just move on till the next time. I love her dearly but i dont love what she does to the family.
I just wrote under Anonymous
Just a correction
I meant he punched himself not punish although in some ways that’s maybe what it is.
There is more I exhausted to say more right now
And I want to add I’m sorry if I offend anyone with this illness
This is just what happened to me and can only talk about that
I so agree with this article
There are bi polar ppl that do take care of themselves that I’ve talked to
and obviously the author of this article does to.
I think most ppl would not leave someone like that
So it is possible
My ex raped me when I was sleeping on my stomach in my behind even after he had asked a week prior and I told him I absolutely didn’t want to do that and he said he didn’t want to either.
He has punished himself destroyed things raging verbally emotionally abused me thrown me out of his house (he lives with his mom)
in the middle of the night and I live 2 hrs away because I didn’t agree with all the conspiracy theories he constantly talks about
Pushed a door open on me so I felll
He refuse meds says it makes him feel numb. He is on suboxane from a 20 year opioid addiction.
I have never done drugs or smoke I hardly drink
If I bring up the rape and how horrific it’s been for me making me sick
having to go to therapy couldn’t work for a few months cause of it he threatens suicide
Lately I’ve said if you don’t get treatment I will go to the authorities and then he be extremely angry and threaten suicide again
I’ve talked to his family no one want to do anything they just happy is is working now and not high on drugs
But he sells steroids and is on suboxane and knows what he has done to me
Idk I think they are so tired of all the things he has done and this is the best they can hope for
And his mother can bear to loose another son
His older brother also bi polar and an alcoholic shoot and killed two ppl before taking his own life and they just want to keep him calm not doing anything that will trigger him.
They also feel extrem gilt I think for both brothers sexual abuse as boys perpetrated by their sisters bf at the time no one knew until the brother wrote a note prior to his death.
A lot of bi polar self medicate and a lot of them have been abused/ neglected as children from all the reading I’ve done I’ve spent 1000 hrs learning about this horrific illness
I’ve cried I’ve tried everything I possibly could to help him
Sometimes he would scream out
“I can’t think” “my brain is foggy “
“It’s something wrong with me’”
Sometimes he would call crying
He is always complaining about body pains
But all of a sudden he is cold and uncaring
His eyes gets dark he says he feels no shame or guilt and doesn’t believe in it and I need to just get over the things he has done
He has Hallucinations the list goes on
His moods changes constantly
He is extremely defensive
But in between he is this amazing guy
It’s so so sad
Just talked to NAMI again the other day and they insist I need to go to the authorities but I’m scared if he will retaliate Or take his life. I’ve removed myself several times this time I haven’t talked to him in 6 weeks
I just can’t do it anymore it will destroy me even if I love him and I would have been there for him if he helped himself
If I stand up for myself sometimes he is convinced demons attack him through me.
It’s very scary I have 3 children that I never let him be by himself with for more than going to the store
They all know he is ill and can clearly see it
I’ve never brought anything up that could trigger him after one time when he got into a rage around them so mostly he is just moody then.
It’s like a lot of ppl said here it’s the behavior we leaving
I know he is very sick I would love if got help
Right now I’m agonizing about involving authorities reporting the rape and his state of mind for my healing and for him to be held accountable so he might actually seek help or be forced to but I do fear for me and my children’s life
No one can ever expect for anyone to stay
under those circumstances
It’s a matter of life and death sometimes
both for the ill person and the ones around
I’m not saying everyone with this illness is this extreme I’ve talked to some very self aware stable great ppl with this illness through this experience so I know it’s from person to person if he would have been one of those I would never have left
It’s a very rough time right now
Sending thought love and hugs for everyone suffering both with the illness and for the ppl who love them
If you don’t report the rape, you are enabling his behaviour and he will do it again. He doesn’t sound amazing to me, he sounds like an utter shit show!
You are not responsible for his illness or his tragic family history. I was appalled when you said you had three children – don’t ruin their childhood around this man, get him out of your life. Leave the mushy sentimentality in the bin and protect yourself and your precious children, cos he will bring you ALL down. Have faith and courage sister, you know in your gut the right thing to do!?
And to be clear I am a mental illness advocate. My beloved boyfriend struggles with anxiety issues: generalize and social. I just refuse to sit down and be told by someone who supposedly cares about me that I am a waste of space and the world would be better off without me.
I’m very grateful for your article. It makes me feel loads better about not continuing beating the dead horse of a friendship I had. Quick story: my “friend” of 8 years has struggled with bipolar/depression and anxiety possibly schizophrenia and refuses to get help. Using men and drugs as her coping mechanisms. I valued her and believed in her potential, until she sent me a message saying she needed space because of how toxic I was and other hateful things. Like she hoped my relationship failed and that I died. Mind you, I’m working a job on a career track and have a degree and have done things for her that you wouldn’t believe. But even so I felt like I should keep trying; your article has helped give me peace thank you.
Thank you for finally expressing what many of us feel. My life has been not only turned upside down, but I was emotionally abused by my bipolar husband. I fought to keep him home but with non compliane all the time I had to fight for my mental and physical health. I lost all of my savings many friends. I had to leave a good job because all that mattered was his world of doctors mania depression and long rides to give him food clothes and hope. when I had cancer I also faced such mania that I had one to two hours of sleep. I could get to work with such stress. I ended
up on meds myself. I love my husband but i also hate what he did to us. Please pray for each of us that faces this. I want him to get better, but he needs care I cant provide.
I have got to get out of my marriage with my bipolar husband..he has apologized more than I can count…I get verbally abused Dailey…there’s always a comment about everything…there has got to be someone I can talk to and get help in this process…do you suggest anyone
I am glad to read perspective on enabling mentl illness. My sons wife is bipolar. She has been symptomatic for 3 years. In manic episodes she rages and calls the police on him. The dilemma is the child. If he leaves the child will be in danger. If he takes the child he is liable to Family court actions. Currently his wife takes meds but does not follow her treatment plan regarding therapy etc. We are in a cycle of crisis, hospitalization release and repeat. It is exhausting. This grandma is concerned for her grandchild. Any insight
My heart goes out to you Victoria, what a lose-lose emotionally charged situation to try and salvage.
You asked for any insights.
I’ve lost two marriages both during manic stages of my bipolar, whilst med compliant and doing the best I thought I could. I have children to both marriages. Hindsight is a wonderful thing.
What I can tell you is that children are incredibly resilient. Moreso than we as adults. Family courts may need to be involved in the long-term interests of the child you mention. Although it breaks hearts to think things could get to this point, it doesn’t mean it will always be like it is at present. I’m reeling recovering from my second divorce, still ringing in my ears two years later. My first marriage children, I did everything to stay in their lives while divorced. This time I am allowing my daughter to decide when she wants contact. I can tell you that in both instances the results are much the same. Kids will stay in your life if they wish.
My point….said bipolar suffering wife needs to expend all her energy on saving herself first, and then her marriage. Her husband is no doubt only just hanging in there. She needs help, firstly from herself (saved from her thoughts via cbt, dbt etc) then him as part her support network, together as a couple. Only then can she help another human. I got meantime, despite a horrible system, at very least family court will make the best decisions it can based on the information it has at the time. It can be changed later. In the meantime, keep her emotionally and physically safe, and trust her resilience and her perception of what’s genuinely happening will be a lot more understanding than you’d imagine. She will know mums not well.
Forgive me, I couldn’t work out where you lay in this situation, but I wish you well. There are no winners in these situations, there are survivors. The more survivors, the better. Wounds only have a chance of healing when said person is breathing.
Hi Natasha, I found your post really helpful. My sister has severe bipolar and is psychotic, unstable, aggressive and she scares me. Shes threatened to kill me, and phoned local radio/newspapers (and every contact in my phone) saying that i killed my only child. (My daughter died of cancer). The police were involved, it was awful. There’s 25years worth of similar incidents. Despite her vile behaviour, I love, care and worry for her wellbeing; she is apologetic and depressed after rages/psychotic mania. She is compliant and takes a cocktail of meds but is in denial that they’re not working. She insists she’s fine, calm and grounded – she literally cannot tell she’s ill. I invited her for christmas but i feel sick with fear and dread. Im scared to cancel in case she harms me or herself. If im truly honest, id prefer to cut ties. Shes 40 and it seems to be getting worse with age. I don’t know what to do. I love her dearly but i have severe ptsd and find her terrifying to be around. Thanks you.
My brother, in his mid-70s, is in full-blown mania right now, off his meds and fully believing that God has miraculously healed him. At the same time he’s cussing like a convict, drinking beer by the case, trying drugs and is trying to support two drug-using women and 2-4 teenagers on retirement income. Police have been called to his home three times in a couple of weeks’ time because of the violence and noise there. Lately his car has been stolen, then found (because he left his keys in it), and things have been stolen from him due to his carelessness (leaving things out in the open) and the fact that these drug users and the kids steal and pawn his possessions. He is two months’ behind on house and car payments and borrows money from me every time he gets in a bind. He hasn’t been paying it back. He rages at people and expects instant forgiveness. His daughter has cut off all contact with him and he blames her for his depressions. The poor girl cares for him deeply, but he hurts her so badly that she just cannot take it anymore. Neither can my brothers. I cannot blame them. I am going to have to withdraw financial support, because I am retired and have to live on less than half the income my manic brother gets. Our family was not raised like this.
Mental health issues are exhausting in every possible way one can think of.
Its so hard watching an illness take away the person you love and drain their confidence and self worth. My husband struggles as he has multiple conditions so his in a constant Battle with his brain.
Regular everyday life things and stresses he cannot cope with as the level of dred he feels is on another level of extreme and I am empathetic and understanding but it is truly draining on me to have to handle everything all the time and constantly have to put my own feelings on hold and tip toe around him.
What makes it harder is having kids because my kids will always come first to him and to me. Our child is autistic so he is my main priority. I love my husband so much and if it were just us no kids we could move have him stay home but that isnt the case and sometimes i think maybe getting a divorce is better for his health so he can just focus on himself but that is also not fair to our kids or to me. I hate this so much because it breaks my heart and there is nothing i can do to fix him, i research new treatments and surgery everyday but nothing.
The struggle is indeed real and I dred the day I die because who will look after my kids and who will take care of him. Just needed to get that out.
I lost people because of psychosis but even when i was treated they did not accept me just laughed. None of it was my fault ive never smoked or taken a deug in my life. Even church people backed off. U try surviving a mental illness then u judge it will be a more realistic opinion then.
Hi Joanne. The author has depression and bipolar disorder. I think she knows mental illness both from the inside and the outside. I’m so sorry that you’ve lost people and I hope things get better for you. But please don’t judge people who choose to cut ties with someone just in order to stay alive. I’ve had to let go of my very close friend, who was like a brother to me, and I still have dreams about him where we just talk and hang out like we used to. I miss him so much. Again I wish you the best for the future. I understand how hard it is to keep going sometimes when you have to live with a crippling mental condition. But once we’re able to manage I believe it can be turned into a gift of insight and empathy, and we can even be a ray of hope to others. So don’t lose your faith. Have a great day. Have a great journey. Much love.
Hi Amelia,
Your reply to Joanne was a very balanced one. I agree with your thoughts that having empathy and showing such for others due to personal suffering and lived experience is a blessing.
Leaving or staying.
I don’t think it has anything to do with the illness, but rather the way it manifests, and the level of control, his hard, the partner with bipolar works to control it.
It would be wrong to say for better or for worse and expect someone to stay in a physically abusive relationship.
By the same token, it would be wrong to leave a relationship, using mental illness as an excuse, when really it’s under control.
Each situation is different. There is no right or wrong because no two people with bipolar, no to relationships are the same.
Where I get upset, is the bias in social media and forums, where they are advised to leave because they HAVE a mental illness, without really taking into account the full picture. Are they out of remission, med compliant, seeking help, etc..
It’s a very difficult subject. I’ve lost two wives to my bipolar. Or have I. Perhaps it was just me. I’ll never know.
Life goes on. We keep swimming. I wish everyone, whatever your circumstances, peace of mind, and to remind you, you can only do your best. Stay safe. Feel loved. Don’t give up on yourself.
You wrote: “And to be clear, no one wants to leave another person. No one wants to cut off contact. The people who do this are full of remorse, fear, sadness and pain.”
I have to finally admit that I’m powerless to: make my sister laugh away her depression; create a short-term diversion in hopes she’ll stop being depressed and abusive to herself and others; be enough to heal her; heal her; heal her; and heal her.
Powerless. But no longer willing accept it’s my fault. No longer willing to accept abuse.
There’s a certain amount of insanity being cultivated when the family and friends of a mentally ill abuser adopt their mindset as their own.. remorse, fear, sadness and pain.
Thank you for your blog.
This article assumes the person who is sick is not seeking help and is not on medication. It paints the picture that everyone with mental illness hurts the person they are with and that it occurs for years and years. Some people have been depressed or moody and severely hurt due to their mental illness. Some people have been treated unkind by the people they were with due to their mental illness not knowing they were ill. Some relationships involve a person who was not violent or hurtful but experienced difficult times, sought out help, were diagnosed and prescribed medication and have been leading healthy lives sense. I hope you write an article about those people.
I could not agree with you more Caress. I’ve never had an article upset me more coming from Natasha as this one. Confrontational, look at the 864 replies.
My wife lost having lost interest in our marriage and having the eye and more of someone else. I was never abusive, never did drugs or alcohol. Was in treatment, medication compliant. I was not the easiest person to be with. If I hate myself then it’s easy to set how you could lose someone else’s love. Yet I fought and fought. I feel for those who are in abusive relationships, and yes the dynamics are very different and factors to decide as to whether thi stay or not come into play.
What I hate? The plethora of articles stating that partners of the mentally ill should leave. Find an article that tells me how to fight for a partner who wants to leave despite me doing everything within my power to live the best life I could.
Guess what. You don’t find one. That hurts, and I find this article and many like it very stigmatizing. Natasha, if you read this, you took on a very complex issue, with no doubt the best intentions at heart. Perhaps you could write an article from my perspective, where your partner isn’t in danger, they just give up because as I was told “your no fun to live with”…
Hi Blitter,
Actually, I have written about how people have abandoned me because of my mental illness so I know where you are coming from. Just because the reality of some abusive people with mental illness is uncomfortable, this doesn’t make it not real for some people. Should people stay with those with mental illness? That’s a personal decision. I can’t say “should” or “should not,” what I’m saying is that when a person hurts others, you may need to leave and sometimes the person who is hurting others has a mental illness.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Caress,
I’m sorry you feel this paints all people with mental illness this way but I would have to say it does not. It addresses the rare case when a person with mental illness harms others and, yes, refuses treatment. I have written 1000 (literally) articles about all of us in the other category.
– Natasha Tracy
I agree that this is not all people with mental illness, but it is my experience and it was what I needed to read for support. I was abused not just by my husband, but also his parents who were in denial of his illness and enabled his destructive behavior. Mental illness has a huge stigma in their family. So I went through years of emotional abuse and some physical abuse. I became extremely depressed and anxious because 1) my husband and his family had broken me with their constant attacks and 2) I had no safety and knew that everything I owned could be potentially destroyed by my husband. I’d come home and my children’s toys would be violently destroyed. I started obsessively checking the garbage and dumpster and often found our possessions in there… the emotional abuse was so bad that I had strong urges to self harm and frequent thoughts of death as the only escape from the hell. My children were suffering. We had to leave home often because my husband was getting aggressive. The last night we ever spent in our home, my then five year old said she wanted to die. That was my eye opener that it had gone too far. I didn’t have the strength to help myself, but my momma bear instinct kicked in and I knew I had to do something for my kids’ safety and sanity. I was also pregnant and terrified that he was going to hurt me and cause me to miscarry.
Two years later, and my husband has just reluctantly been admitted to inpatient treatment for the 8th time. He has schizoaffective and his episodes last months at a time. He lacks insight and still after all these years denies his diagnosis. Of course this also means he is non compliant with his treatment. I’ve known him for ten years, and he has been disabled by mental illness for the majority of the time. In 2013, he had three separate hospitalizations for a total of 7 weeks. He finally got stabilized on an effective medication, and we had almost two good years. But he was dead set on weaning off his medication the entire time. He did slowly, having more symptoms each time until it was too late.
I know this is the exception, not the rule, but this was my reality. I had a lot of guilt with leaving him, especially considering the “in sickness or in health” vows. But he refused to get the necessary help and he was creating an unsafe and unhealthy environment for myself and our children.
Promoting men to leave bipolar disorder. Wow.
I am bipolar I. I have dealt with it for over twenty years. I was married for ten years. I filed for divorce due to alienation of affection. I think your article is extreme one sided. Even though I ended our marriage there were significant consequences for me. This is not a simple topic. People leave people for how they are treated regardless of mental illness. Tagging mental illness the way it has been done in this article only adds to the stigma that people with mental illnesses already have to deal with…
if someone does bad things to you… you leave them for the behavior…
JUST LEAVE THE DIAGNOSIS OUT OF IT!!!
I agree with your post sir. I am leaving a 20 year relationship with someone who is BP. We have been to hell and back too many times, the financial ruins, their road of self destruction and on the list goes.
They have now just woken up and realized who I was in their life, they took me for granted, and neglected me, except for when they needed more money for their drugs. I’m done, my heart I shattered. It’s tough to do, but I have to for once think about me, my happiness and how I want to live the rest of my life.
I pray that you meet someone to live your life with where they don’t do bad things to you, and who I am leaving find happiness, balance, and love, sober with someone who does not have the PTSD and pain as I. Everyone deserves to be happy and loved….
Have been married for 22 years. Of those 22 years I would say 18 of them my husband has struggled with alcoholism, anxiety, depression and two suicide attempts. I am exhausted and I see him continue to struggle. I struggle to see the man I married, my heart breaks (I feel as though I have lost the love of my life), I am afraid for our kids (teens), him and myself if I leave. But I don’t know how much longer I can keep going. I feel as though I am damned if I stay and damned if I leave.
Hi, I am in the same boat as you, I need to get out of the relationship for the sake of my 8 year old girl and my own self (he is not abusive )but I’m stuck and I can’t leave he won’t let me but I can’t stay any longer, I’m drained and I am no longer the lady I was when I met him as he controls everything in my life and I no longer have friends and hardly see my family due to him. I live in his house and even though I work 50 hrs I still have to keep the house spotless.
This guy is just using you! People with mental issues would rather torture you than act like a normal human being; when they are with other people this behaviour is hidden and they put on an act. Without you this asshole has no world: if he has no friends it’s because they are fed up with his negativity, nor does he appreciate what you do for him. Don’t give a fuck for him because his drinking to the point where he is addicted is not a disease but a voluntary act of malevolence [moderated]
Hi Anne,
Okay, we get it, you’re angry and you’ve taken the time to express that anger here for whatever your reasons. But please understand that people with mental illness are all different and how you’ve characterized us is unfair, bigoted, and just plain wrong.
We are as unique as anyone else. Try to remember that.
– Natasha Tracy
Dear, read my responce again. It is not my anger, bigotry, or anything else for that matter being the issue. If someone, anyone takes advantage of someone by doing things or acting in ways to terrify another induvidual this is malevolence. I live with a person who has mental health issues and there are many days of unstability i have to deal with. If you are that kind of person no wonder you took offence to my text.
Hi Anne,
Quick note, I have a name and it isn’t “dear.”
What I said is that how you’ve characterized us as a group is bigoted. Which it was.
Now, when you’re talking about an individual, then, yes, an individual can be any number of ways.
– Natasha Tracy
Anne, everything will be ok. Smile.
I tried for 3 years to help my Husband. It got worst and I got sick to the point I lost myself. He got aggressive, verbally abusive, vandalized my home, broke me, and still, I’m the bad one. Today, I got an order from the judge to hospitalized him, baker acted. I believe he will hate me even more. I don’t know how to feel.
Mercedes Ocasio- I am sorry to hear this. I wanted to write to let you know I have been through this too and I know it is so difficult. You are not alone. My husband and I have been separated for two years now. I tried so much to help him, but his health and behavior had taken its toll on me and our children. I know he can’t control his illness, but I need to keep myself and our children safe from his abusive behavior.
I pray your husband will trust his care team and find the right treatment plan for him.
It’s been a month since I posted my comment. This week just gone would have been our 14th anniversary. We will be divorced this time next year after a 12 month separation, legal requirement.
My depression is worse than ever. My desire to live worse nil. I live out of guilt, not wanting to hurt anyone else as much as I am hurting.
I hate my wife for what she did. But living by myself now for three months, maybe there is a reason only my dog will put up with me.
Honestly. My advice, and yes others will hate it and trash me for saying it, but bipolar, even fully medicated. I don’t know one person or have ever read of one person with bipolar who has celebrated a 25+ marriage. Bipolar life is so painful. Knowing the statistics, knowing the desire to suicide after a divorce, I would not recommend anyone with bipolar to marry. To me, it is the most unloving thing you could do to someone you claim to love.
My husband and I recently celebrated our seventh anniversary and he has been in episodes for half our marriage (also often with psychotic features). When he is in a manic episode, as he is now, he is extremely irritable/emotionally abusive/aggressive/destructive/physically violent. we have had to be separated due to the abuse. In the seven months since his current episode began, he has been hospitalized three times for two weeks each. it is such a rough road because he has anosognosia (lack of insight into his condition; he doesn’t believe anything is wrong). Even in the uphill battle of getting him treatment, he will lie or otherwise be uncooperative so that he can not be treated effectively. So many times he will seem to be improving, then he will refuse to take his medication and go back to square one. I had to leave the house with the kids many times due to his anger, or lock ourselves in a bedroom when we weren’t able to leave. The emotional abuse eventually became more than I could handle and the kids and I finally left for good two months ago. It was taking a toll on the children as well, my six year old was crying often and the night before we left she said she wished she was dead.
My husband and I both want to reconcile but it is hard to see a path to that. I know they say mental illness doesn’t cause a person to be abusive, but he doesn’t act like this at all when he is well. We are able to discuss disagreements calmly, respectfully, and maturely and get along well. He is doing better now (but still not his normal self), but still has not shown any remorse for his words and actions and outright denies being abusive or shifts the blame to me. My trust in him has been crushed even more than it has been in the past, since on top of spending thousands of dollars during excessive spending sprees, he has in a rage thrown out about $10k worth of our and our kids’ possessions on multiple occasions (everything in our garage include all the tools, bicycles, most of the kids’ toys and books, my books, his laptop, his entire wardrobe, winter coats, winter boots, shoes, all my photo albums and unique wall decor from around the world, furniture, and brand new items merely a month after he bought them, etc). He lies so much that I have a hard time believing anything he says.
I have reached the stage after months of going round and round in circles with my brother that I now need to stop contact for a while. He is a drug addict, although he will not admit he has an addiction. He’s been suffering from severe paranoia, hallucinations and delusions. All of which he so passionately believes are real and all of which involve me and my mum and his friend putting him on a “programme” whereby everyone he meets are actors and are monitoring his every move and reporting back to doctors on his progress. He’s accused random people of following him and police officers of being fake officers. He’s refused all of the help me and my mum have tried to send his way and despite admitting suicidal thoughts and assaulting my mum he has not been found to be sectionable at this time.
We really don’t know what to do next. It feels like the authorities will only step in and section him after he’s done something drastic. He’s told friends he’s going to murder me and anyone else he suspects, but until he attempts something he’s not considered enough of a risk to anyone.
Having read up on mental illnesses I think he’s either having a psychotic episode or could have psychotic schizophrenia but he will not go and get checked because he does not see he has an illness.
He is now homeless and sleeping in his car, claiming he can’t go to a shelter or get help from the council because he’s being followed by the programme. Anytime I speak to him it just goes round and round while he accuses me and blames me for every situation thats gone wrong for him. My mum was paying for his accommodation and giving him money for food but we’ve decided that this is cushioning him and if he has no support financially he will hopefully go and get some help. He’s also the most stubborn person I’ve ever encountered and sometimes states that he wont get help now because he’s being “bullied” into it by us sending people to him. He feels he can only move on once the programme is over and constantly asks us to get him off the programme.
I feel selfish simply leaving him but I have exhausted all of the routes for help I can and now I feel that he needs to take some responsibility for his life and get himself back on track. I don’t even know if he’s mentally able to do that but I’m so sick of being the bad guy that I need to distance myself from him. Although I don’t want to advise my mum of what she should do, I can see the toll its taking on her and I think she really could do with a break from him too, which would leave him without anyone – none of his friends want to speak to him anymore so they call me to ask how he is.
I am about to tell my girlfriend of just 1.5 short years that I cannot be with her any longer. This is going to be disjointed since I have so much going on and editing is too much effort right now.
We live(d) together, I plan on being out before she is released. I fully plan on supporting her get back on her feet inasmuch as she wants me to, short of additional financial aid since I’m already shelling out thousands for her and her dog (who is costing more than necessary because my gf *refused* to get pet insurance since I met her and I eventually gave up rather than fighting her over it, since she would get riled up about me “telling her how to live”).
I’m also still financially caring for a stroke victim mother and a father who is physically deteriorating due to being the at-home 24/7 nurse for said stroke victim. Doing any more financially for my gf will destroy my and my parents’ lives as well at this point.
She had her first psychotic episode ~2 weeks ago, and has been in inpatient care since.
She is wholly unpredictable and delusional in her psychotic state; technically, she broke up with me three times in the last two weeks, but she doesn’t remember (and of course I didn’t take it seriously but it still hurt).
I am struggling with this because her family is utter human shit. That’s harsh, but they are; they all suffer from some form of mental illness, be it addiction or the same psychosis she currently is, and have all abused or neglected her (or both) in some way.
The point is that I know she has no one else, and it kills me. She was doing better until today when she found out her mother was filing for guardianship over her as a threat to herself and others, for six months; she fought the nurses and had to be sedated via forced injection. She told me this casually over the phone, the same way you’d tell someone how you had a difficult customer at work today.
I don’t feel safe being with her alone. If the police weren’t already here and witnessed what she did to get placed into inpatient, she very well could have blamed me and gotten me imprisoned, especially since she *did* blame me in her delusional state. Thankfully, I had police witnesses.
Beyond that, she can harm me. Until this episode, I was certain she would never harm me or herself. I was very wrong.
I am totally writing this to make myself feel better. I feel like a terrible human being even though I’m not. I share it to give others who are going through difficulties like this some commiseration, as I felt a tad bit less-shitty-as-hell reading Robin’s comment.
Hopefully this helps someone else going through tough times who has to deal with separating from a loved one who they thought was going to be their forever-person, who may end up destroying themselves and being homeless if they don’t step up to their meds and regiment on their own. There is only so much we can do for those we love if they are going to hurt themselves and us, even if it’s not their fault.
Life is weird.
Dear Sad,
I know you wrote this three years ago and may not ever see my reply, but I want to say that you helped me. It’s comforting in a way to know that others fear for the safety and housing situation their loved ones might face if left to their own devices. I know that my boyfriend will probably wind up on the streets as he was before I met him, even though I was unaware that he was homeless, but that is another story. Now he is reliant on me totally, and to leave him is to leave him with nothing. It is an awful dilemma but one that I constantly think about when he is going through a crisis in his mental health…Not knowing how he’s going to behave when I get home in the evenings, listening to his ranting, spitting in my face, pointing his fingers in my face…dealing with the fall out from saying something innocent that he takes as malevolent. It’s exhausting. I spoke with NAMI this morning for the first time and the volunteer told me about some resources that might help. I am going to look into it and hope I can save myself at least.
It’s been 30 days since I left my wife of 10 years. This is a little therapeutic for me. I’ve been sad but also have felt free. I bought the older two kids into the relationship and she had four little ones. In 2006 her career took off and we decided I stay home and raise the kids. I was a stay-at-home father for 7 years. I am a clean freak and admit I’m not perfect. I was very strict with our children. During our relationship she was very emotionally abusive and sometimes it turned physical. This past February me and the oldest girl moved out of the house. Even though me and my wife remain cordial. And even took a divorce trip to Europe. That’s what I call it. She turn to drinking alcohol more more. It even cause your head to swell? She would drink till for 5 a.m. twice a week and no one watched our younger for kids. I now realize I was enabling her. I didn’t want her to drive home and when she drinks she is very affectionate at the bar. Men and women. And being sober it’s very difficult to watch your wife act that way. I’m sad for her but I’m sad for me I don’t know what took me so long to leave. Maybe I wanted to see the younger four kids graduate but since I left I have watched my old household fall apart. Even though I’m not the biological father of my younger four kids they deserve better. All the money in the world is it worth staying with someone if they don’t want to get help. I enjoyed this article and thought it was very helpful. We all deserve to be happy thoughts and prayers with you my soon-to-be ex-wife. And all our kids.
Blitter — sometimes people leave a relationship and they need an excuse to leave. Relationships are difficult no matter what type of relationship you’re talking about. Financial problems, physical health issues either for one partner or both, mental illness and even trying to blend a family can sometimes ruin a good relationship. That’s because people give up. They don’t try. They don’t understand. It seems in your case that maybe your wife left not so much because of your Bipolar but because she needs care and when you have your unstable moods and put yourself into time out like you were saying that maybe those time out periods are long. Perhaps she is not coping well with being on her own during those periods, where you are in time out because of your Bipolar. I don’t think anyone has a normal reality. Reality is just how we as the individual see things. Maybe none of us have a normal reality and that comes from the writer within me. Don’t simply give up on love or having a relationship with someone because you happened to find two people, who couldn’t do the periods when you were in time out. The failure of a business you had for 11 years will play a disasterous role even in what some people might call a normal relationship. Financial issues seem to be the number one relationship ender or so I’ve come to see thus far in my life and I’m 50 years old. Sometimes you can do all of the right things and a relationship still ends and the other partner puts the fault on your plate, where it might not really belong. They use an excuse to leave the relationship and if their partner happens to be Bipolar then the excuse can be the mental illness. I left a relationship with a Bipolar partner but they were also an alcoholic, a past drug user and suffered from PTSD. It was extremely difficult and emotionally destructive not only to them but to me as well. If anything, you seem to understand your Bipolar and you are taking steps to live with it, so don’t give up on finding love because you have a mental illness. Just look for someone who understands you as a person and be open about your Bipolar and don’t feel like you have to rush into things because you don’t. Your first step is to heal and grieve for your relationship then you move on with life. My opinion is that if you have faith in yourself and you trust yourself then others will too. God Bless!
My wife of 14 years has just left. I have bipolar. During that time I have done nothing that I should have been arrested for, broken no laws and have not physically harmed person nor animal. That is a very condensed version. My wife suffers from a debilitating physical illness which required me to be her carer. I would do the majority of the housework, looking after our daughter and cooking. I would put myself into “time out” by leaving the house and retreating to another room on the property when my mood became unstable. I have always been med compliant and have been for the last four years seeing GP Pdoc and Pnurse in an effort to stabilize after an episode shut me down and we lost our business of 11 years.
I guess what I never realized and am still having a hard time believing is that the emotional strain that I put on my marriage was such that she left, stating that I am too much hard work and that she will be happier without me. I am no saint, and yes I put her through times where I would use her as a sounding board till she would near drop from exhaustion. I tried forums and other avenues to try and talk and work out realities from perceptions. Still, it seems that whatever I did it was not enough.
I understand so many of you that leave abusive or irresponsible partners who take no responsibility or hold themselves accountable for their illness. From my own perspective, I was doing as much as I could, and doing it well. I was totally shocked when I was told it was over. It seems that when you have bipolar, your reality is never really reality. But does that mean I was in the wrong, could I have done anything different. If so what was it. Tell me. This is my second divorce. 23 years married to two wives and I am in my mid 40’s. My reality might not be your reality, but I think the “for better or worse” has in some cases become “until it gets too hard or I want to find someone more fun”. I will not impose my illness on another wife. I do find it hard however to know what to change about myself. Being told you are hard work and no fun, understandable, but really, a reason to end a marriage and bust up a family?
There are still those that think “he’s got bipolar” and then use that as an excuse to leave knowing it will evoke sympathy from others. People will hate me for saying that, but my reality is different from yours. I wish I knew what reality really was
Blitter, Your story moved me with the pain I hear in your words. There is more than your disease that caused your wife to leave. There is always more… yet, that never really gets disclosed by the person doing the leaving. I applaud you at your management of BP and being aware enough to take a time out, when needed. I’m sad for your wife, who doesn’t seem to have been well invested in the relationship with a lack of understanding about what you too may have needed throughout your relationship. To be a full time father of 4 is a 24/7 job… being bipolar requires you to get enough rest and without stress, to avoid episodes.
Did she ever discuss your triggers with you and help you, as much as you helped her? Yes, it “is” a lot of work being in a relationship with someone who has ANY chronic illness. But, relationships in general require lots of work to be successful. The exhausting ‘sounding board’ episodes you describe could have been handled differently, by your wife, as well. It takes a good understanding and lots of communication to get to the point where couples can put the brakes on an episode before it goes out-of-control like that. It is not easy trying to talk with my BP husband, nor my BP adult daughter who still lives with us. Anything that would take a normal couple an evening to talk about, takes us months of the same conversation. I finally went to a NAMI family-to-family class to learn about mental illness and how to be present and have effective communication skills. Man, what I didn’t know about bipolar made me appreciate the hell my family members live with all day and night. I found empathy and compassion and patience ( okay, patience I’m still working on, lol) My point is, you are a valuable, lovable, loved and effective person with family you have raised very well. Don’the give up on your happiness or future in relationships. Find resources that help you through these hard times of heartbreak (yes, I love NAMI because it is free for support groups and education!) Your children need you, no matter how old, to be present in your life.
I agree that for better or worse has gotten to be.. until you are too much work. I’m old school, where I won’t leave unless I have done every possible thing to restore my loving feeling. Surprisingly enough, what I have learned is I am not a walk in the park, either, and it takes two people to mess up a relationship… not one person (with or without bipolar) Your wife wasn’t accountable for the part she played in her feeling of a failed marriage. It would be nice if she ever got the courage to tell you where she may have failed YOU. I send you huge hugs and encouragement to keep learning and keeping your inner peace. I’m so sorry that you are going through this. Hearing how a man feels from your point of view is very helpful to me. So, thank you!
Dear, maybe she did tell you , and gave up because you did not care about what she had to say.
@anne – First of all, please lose the condescending “dear’ when responding to thoughtful comments from people who are struggling.
Secondly, and although I’m sorry to repeatedly read that your own romantic relationship is in tatters, it is unhelpful for you to keep projecting your own problematic issues onto every poster you respond to, and to offer advice with such certainty, when your posts are clearly about you and only you – not the person you are responding to.
Third, stop painting everyone who has a serious mental illness (SMI) with the same broad brush – we are all as different as individual snowflakes are.
Finally, accountability for one’s actions is a two way street, regardless of whether one or both people in the relationship have a SMI or other illnesses. If a partner has, or develops a SMI, that does not suddenly render the other partner as ‘perfect.’ It never has and never will.
Just from your posts on this thread (which read more like trolling rather than any constructive support or advice,) what is clear to me is that you, anne, are quite far removed from perfection too. That said, I still wish you and your partner well, and I highly recommend some hard introspection on your part – if you’ve done any at all, it sure doesn’t come through in any of your posts…quite the opposite really, imo.
@elle I appreciate your comments . I am currently going through a emotional roller coaster with my now bipolar ex of 3 months . Hearing your take on being in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness makes me hopeful for the future. It also makes me realize that people don’t always understand what that person with the ilness is going through. All the pain and distress I am dealing with is taking a toll on me. I don’t know where things are headed but I am trying to strong. We have a 10 year old daughter and i have began the process of getting custody. My ex has changed drastically and even started a new relationship with a guy. The change happened within weeks. It’s hard because I love her and wish I could help. Our lives has been torn apart and it seems she doesn’t care. I pray for her every night. It seems like yesterday we were happy and making future plans, but now it’s like I don’t know who she is. Sorry for long response but it helps to just vent a little.
I am in the process of divorcing a Bipolar wife and have all the quilt on my shoulders. It is so hard to not to care I still Love her very much but have realized over the years I cant help her. She calls all the time and the anger is really raging and during the entire phone call she swings from rage to remorse to rage. I feel like I am her therapist then she will call me crying asking for help. I then offer to help and again she refuses. I am trying to be a friend but it is really hard especially when she is filled with anger about how I am the ONLY thing in her life that is the issue. She is a very wonderful person who raised the kids as i was always working. Now she ONLY sees the bad. So the question I have is there any possibility that she will recover from this disease? I know she needs Psychotherapy and Medication but she refuses both. She feels like she is fine when she is not. I am no therapist and do not want to analyze the situation but she suffers from delusions about what I have said to her and how i have treated her. She insists I was the one who brings these things up when in fact she is the one. The one thing I do know for sure is she takes bits of the truth and then makes them fit nicely into her delusions so I am the worst thing that ever happened to her. Feeling really sad now.
If you stay with your spouse or girlfriend/boyfriend because you are afraid of what they will do if you leave them, then you have fallen into their trap. That’s not a good reason to stay if they are ruining your life. Life is short, and it’s just not worth staying with anyone who will not get help to work on their issues. Don’t get me wrong, everyone has issues, and we should support them if they truly want help. But if they dont, then you shold run the other way.
I made the hardest decision of my life, when I decided to leave my Bipolar girlfriend. It came down to the simple fact that I could not do it anymore. I would no longer accept being called names, degraded, used for the income I was bringing into the household and the constant feeling of being less than a person. What I had come to realize is that I was a co-dependent, a caretaker. I had to understand that I could not “fix” my girlfriend’s Bipolar disorder and I could not keep riding the roller coaster of emotions. She would go through “cycles”. She went to counselling then asked me to go with her. Although I was hesitant as to how this would help, I went because I loved her (and still do, truth be known). We spoke to her psychologist. I spoke openly and honestly, as this is necessary for any counselling session. I felt good about the session; I felt we made progress. Wrong. My girlfriend thought her therapist and I were in “cahoots” together. That her therapist sided with me to belittle her. I flabbergasted, as I had never met her therapist, until the day I went with my girlfriend to her therapy session. My girlfriend is an alcoholic. She will say that she is a recovering alcoholic, but that is only because she has not had a drink that day or at that moment. I do not say this lightly. She is still drinking. She is still Bipolar. She refuses to take medication because she does not like the way it makes her feel. When she became physically abusive (she was always emotionally abusive but I had not allowed myself to consider this at the time) I left the apartment, which we had rented together. I paid my half of the rent, all of the utilities and I lived elsewhere. I was enabling her and I knew it, but I felt compelled, almost obligated to help her. Love is a strong emotion. Like Bipolar Disorder, love has no rhyme or reason. When the lease was up, I had to use the deposit to pay for my half of the rent. She became made. Again with the name calling, the phone calls, the barrage of anger and rage came at me. I understood it. I sympathized but I was committed to myself because I knew then like I do now that I needed peace in my life. Starting over is difficult to do. It does not mean that I love her any less than I did before. It simply means that I know that I cannot live with her. I know that if I had stayed things would only have gotten worse. I know that I still think about her each and every day. I love her. That will not change. I no longer speak with her or message with her. In peace, you sometimes have to step away from a relationship. You have to accept the things you cannot change and move forward with your life. I have no regrets. I have understanding, love, adoration and empathy. When I left, I knew that I could not spend the rest of my life trying to make her happy or to analyze and overthink myself for fear I would say or do something, which would upset her. That is not a way of life for me. That was imprisonment of my spirit, my emotions and love. I am free now. And I am happy yet I am sad too because I remember the good times more than the bad.
Thanks for this post. As a recovered (well, always “recovering”) alcoholic, I am well aware of the emotional damage that we can cause others. Now, after 5 years of sobriety, I am on the other side of the fence. My girlfriend of 2 years was mentally and physically abused as a child and has suffered severe emotional trauma. She’s been a great partner in many ways, but her emotional state is always unstable. For the past year I’ve been walking on eggshells in almost every conversation and interaction – I’m trying so hard “not to set her off” and it’s so stressful. I’ve suggested counseling, support groups, online meetings…but she’s never taken that step. Of course, I’m also afraid to break up with her because I don’t want her to completely have a mental collapse and do something crazy. And to be honest, she’s a great person with lots of great qualities. I do love her! Ugh, I am so torn. I just wish she’d get better, that things would change….but the same issues keep arising over and over again, even when I think we’re out of the woods. :(
Everyone has emotional and physical needs that they expect to be fulfilled by their relationships. When mental illness shows up, it can interrupt the fulfillment of those needs. A person can continue in a relationship for only so long hoping that things will return to “normal” again, before they finally accept that will NOT be happening in this life. Once that realization sinks in, it’s time to begin parting “with love” and moving on to another relationship where one’s needs will again be fulfilled. When it’s time to move on is determined by many factors.
Some people will hang in there for life always hoping that “normal” has to eventually return as a “reward” for their loyalty and endurance. Others will need years to finally wake up to the fact that they are only wasting precious months / years that could be spent in the company of someone who will be able to emotionally and physically interact with them in a mutually satisfying way. Some will quit the dysfunctional relationship very early and have much guilt about that decision, perhaps, for a lifetime.
Saying “goodbye” to a person with a mental illness is not an easy thing to do. We all want to cure a sick person and then enjoy their appreciation and love for us for having helped them. But, the sad reality of life is that none of us is Florence Nightingale or Sigmund Freud and, in many cases, none of our efforts will make a big difference in the course of someone else’s mental health condition. They need to be “professionally” treated by a COMPETENT mental health practitioner and, even then, there are absolutely no guarantees that they will be returned to “normal” or, if they are, that it will last more than a few months before their illness returns full strength again. So, when will YOU know it’s time to “move on”?
You’ll know when the idea of being with someone else starts to appeal to you much more than continuing to be with the person whose never ending illness is sucking the very life out of you. You’ll know when you view your ill partner as someone whose illness is actually starting to make you severely emotionally and physically ill. You’ll know when you are ACTIVELY looking for a new relationship and don’t care if your ill partner knows about it or not. Yes, you’ll feel some guilt, but remember, you are not a robot. You have you’re own emotional and physical needs and the longer they go unfulfilled, the closer you will be to being ready to move on. If you do, years later, assuming the new relationship works (unfortunately, about 90% of all new relationships end before the 2 year mark is reached), you’ll look back and wish you had ended your previous dysfunctional relationship YEARS earlier. Hope this advice can help some…
Thanks. This and the previous post are spot on the money. Ultimately it is the person with the condition that has a choice to get better or stay sick. They never have a right to take you down with them.
unfortunately the nature of bipolar is that it’s not always as logical as simply making a choice. But I do agree that nobody has the right to take someone down with them – which I think is Natasha’s point: don’t feel bad if you have to walk away from a relationship with someone who is damaging your health or the relationship beyond recovery.
It’s a very fine balance of compassion and self-preservation.
Oh but they sure do try!
Amen. It’s about time some one has said it! I have had enough people with mental illness who blame it on everyone. And the enablers they surround themselves sit on a pedestal and criticise and judge but do nothing but support a person they think they know but have never walked in my shoes. No matter the time, money and investment it is a losing proposition and they will ruin your life. It is better to walk away and take care of yourself and those you love around you. Disengage, forget about being the angel of help. It never works out. Those enablers around them want to gain something – I have learned – money, blackmail (yes this too), a sense of being God and often a sense of righteousness – because they don’t know the facts or have seen the rages. Walk away from the person and his/her enablers. Don’t look back. Move away and set boundaries. Your safety is important and that is all that counts.
Thank you so much for your post. Honestly for the sake of our sanity and good health we do have to at some point in time to say enough — when I broke up with my mentally ill partner of 9 months I told him I couldn’t take it anymore and that I felt like I was being more of a caretaker than a partner and I wanted to end our relationship for my own sanity and health as I felt like I was being dragged along in his darkness. I’m glad it we ended it on good terms and he totally understood. It’s been a month since I broke up with him and I’ve never looked back. I feel that I am liberated and that the burden was lifted from my shoulders. I decided to surround myself with good people who will lift me up not drag me down. I told myself that I move on from the pain that I had to endure for the past 9 months and to find someone else who would lift me up and not drag me down.
Thanks. This is helpful and so is this whole thread. As a family member who had to walk away and take their child away from them I feel overwhelming guilt on a daily basis. Therapists don’t understand. Friends don’t understand. Only people who have faced this same misery know the deep wound of loss this creates when you must leave.
I have come to the realization that as a learning-disabled person with severe depression and a food/spending addiction, I have been horribly manipulative and that my poor Mom is my enabler. I feel that I really need to leave the situation for everyone’s sake, but I am not sure that I would survive the transition. I don’t really have the money to just go away and be on my own; but this situation is not tenable, particularly because I spend almost all of my time crying and screaming. (I wish that our house had some sort of sound-proof room but it doesn’t.) I don’t want to have to be kicked out, as I am sure that I would end up somewhere hellish, like a mental institution. That would be the karmic consequence of my actions to this point. I guess that I should just stop screaming and accept my situation.
I just feel like every time I try to do something that might make it at least a little better, something gets in the way. I have horrible guilt. Has anyone tried leaving and living in a shelter or something until they get their heads on straight? Maybe I need to do that. Please send prayers, as well. I am on the bottom of my life and it’s like quicksand.
Your two articles describe my son to a t. He won’t take his meds, denies his meth addiction… The hospitals won’t keep him, neither will jail when he’s there. I’m being pressured to throw him out on the streets and my heart is breaking. I wish so hard that I could make everything better.
Sometimes the hardest thing in this life that you have to do is the most emotional, but you do have to think about yourself a little. Your son has a mental illness. Like the article said, you can’t stop the mental illness and you’re not leaving your son because of the mental illness. You are leaving because of the bad behavior. He isn’t thinking about you or your welfare, as a mother or an individual. Right now, all he thinks about is himself and what he needs and wants. Add to it the addict behavior and that only makes things more difficult. There comes a time, when he will have to stand up for his actions. He needs to take responsibility. You need to take responsibility for your life as well. It’s hard. I know. I’ve been there. I had to end a relationship with my partner not because she’s Bipolar but because of all the bad behavior that goes along with it. He has rages too just like my ex partner did and those rages can put you in danger along with all of the other behavioral issues. Love him with all your heart and do what’s best for you. In doing that, it’s what’s best for him too. That’s my opinion and I feel for you and I know it’s hard but you’re not alone.
Meth is so contraindicated especially with mental illness. It actually can cause and exacerbate any kind of mental illness, besides being poison and made from deadly chemicals. There is nothing “natural” about meth and it causes major brain damage. Your son needs help for addiction to meth which is tough as it is one of the most addictive substances known to man. Your must use tough love if he is unwilling to get treatment. Maybe if he lives on the street for a while he will realize he must get treatment before this deadly drug kills him. Good luck
Thank you so much for this article. I was in a relationship with an amazing dude who was an international student but it all fell apart when he started having several episodes of depression as he was diagnosed with adjustment disorder (he also told me he was bipolar) and it had something to do with his abusive parents and stepmom — they would not give him any financial support for him to continue studying and they would harass him when he asked for support. It all turned from having a relationship into me taking care of him, and I tried everything I could to help him out. He was also getting professional help but he doubts that it will make his life better. It was just a few days ago where I told him that enough was enough — we had a discussion about this and we ended our relationship for good on good terms. We offered to stay as friends but with very limited contact, but coming from experience I doubt we’d make any form of contact at all. Even though I still grieve the loss of a worthwhile relationship, I knew I had to leave because I fear for my own health, my own sanity, my own happiness, my own good life. And I don’t even care right now what happens to him after that as I am working on healing myself from all the hurt and from all the pain that came from the strain of that relationship.
Can thoughts affect Emotions and then impact Health?
Hi Shiv,
Yes, they can. If you want to learn more about that concept, look up cognitive behavioral therapy as that therapy is based on that concept :)
– Natasha Tracy
At one time, the pdocs in the UK used to differentiate between psychologically induced depressions, caused by emotions (e.g. distress at a death) and the ones that have no psychological roots but are caused by a “chemical” change, say, as with bipolar disorder. The first was called “reactive depressions” and the second, “endogneous depression”. These days they tend simply to refer to them collectively as “depression” because it is accepted that a reactive depression can trigger an endongenous depression, while an endogenous depression can cause a reactive one to overlay it. In the latter case, the endogenous depression may affect how we interpret situations – e.g. we may become overly sensitive to how a relationship is working and maybe imagine it is going badly when, in truth, it is not. Our unhappiness at the supposed failure of the relationship may cause a psychological depression that overlays the bipolar depression (or whatever it is), making the whole experience even worse than it would otherwise be. I believe this is why bipolar treatment tends to me more effective when a mixed therapy approach is adopted – drugs therapy to combat the underlaying ‘endongenous’ condition, and psycho-therapy (e.g. cognitive behavioral therapy [cbt] ) to combat the overlaying ‘reactive’, psychologically induced depression. IMO, I don’t feel Bipolar Disorder is treated as best as it could be in the UK because, while the National Health Service is happy enough to prescribe the necessary drugs infinitely, psychological therapy is rationed because there are not enough clinical psychologists to cope with the workload.
I can’t thank you enough for writing this. I left my bipolar husband 33 years after marriage because I couldn’t take that life any more. By that time he had attempted suicide and we had managed to bring him back from the brink of death. He stopped all medication but managed to live on his own for six years and then had a relapse and I again involved myself in his treatment. Later our children arranged for him to stay at an old age home when he refused to take responsibility to set up a dignified life for himself. While there he fell ill, underwent surgery and was given care and financial help. Yet he refused to stay there and walked out of the home on his own. Since then I’ve refused to deal with him and so have our children. He has spent around six months with relatives but now needs to live on his own again. Naturally he is trying to coerce me into taking responsibility but I have refused. I was in a dilemma as to my adamant refusal and was upset and undecided as to the choice I have made. My health has suffered due to the tension and stress he created throughout our marriage. this post came as a Godsend at the right time. Thank you very much.
I’m a young mentally ill person seriously seeking help, diagnosis, and treatment. I tried therapy but am now seeking psychiatric treatment because I’m tired of my illness ruining my life. But a recent unsatisfactory end to a relationship really prompted my pursuit. I’m 26 years old and have had mental health problems since I was 12 (3 suicide attempts by age 16, self harm, violent bursts of anger, chronic depression, social anxiety, mood changes.) . Didn’t receive any therapy until I was 20 years old, did it on my own, because my family and peers gave me the “get over it”, “toughen up” , “change your perspective” treatment. I didn’t understand my problem then either due to a lack of education. My depression and social anxiety reached a point where it prevented me from graduating college: I had to drop out at age 23. A friend called for my psychiatric arrest at the time (which ended up saving me: I recommend trying it). I have dreams of being a professional musician in Japan which is my major motivation for living. I made pen pals over there though I haven’t been yet. I befriended a Chinese girl living there, got along nicely, thought there might be something special but she got a boyfriend recently. Obviously that upset me, I told her after we first met about my mental health history but didn’t really believe me I guess. I had enough control at the time of her revealing her new boyfriend to tell her how it made me feel and I said to take a break (I felt myself losing control), and I knew time apart would enable me to calm down and accept the unrequited love, but she didn’t listen and kept messaging me. I foolishly didn’t walk away either and one day I snapped, I called her a whore and said other mean things. Then she blocked me on facebook. I wrote a letter by hand one day when I was calm and mailed to her apologizing and explaining I had problems. It’s been 3 months and haven’t heard from her. This situation made me very depressed because I felt so bad and I bought a bottle of sleeping pills to kill myself but ultimately I didn’t take them. I’m getting psychiatric treatment now to try and diagnose me and hopefully treat with medication. I’m on lexapro temporarily as given by my PCP. Having a mental illness and the impact on relationships is very tough for us too. Even if we admit it and seek help, at least in my experience, there’s always the fear of the ‘other person’ taking over. We don’t want to hurt our partners. But sometimes it happens. If you do want to leave a mentally ill friend or lover, do it calmly and gently (if possible, I know some mentally ill are too irrational to talk to). A proper goodbye helps too if possible. A sudden cutoff can be devastating.
Dear Zara, Thank you for your heartfelt post . If you ares new to this forum, I say “Welcome!” You wrote: “there’s always the fear of the ‘other person’ taking over.” Ouch!!!! I know exactly what you mean! I was like that for over 50 years! I finally got a dx at age 53 or 54. I’d tried all sorts of things including every self-control “tool” in the book, therapy, and two psychiatrists — even meds in the old days that did not work. I checked the moon; the weather; moved to a different climate; barometric pressure readings….total trial and all error. Nothing helped, till the new types of meds came out The treatment recommended now is meds plus therapy.l These work for me. I’ve been doing mostly fine for almost 20 years now, but still know that “the other person” could return and ruin my relationships.
I hope there’s some way you can afford to pay for your medical and therapy care. This was pretty much impossible for me, till I got Social Security Disability and Medicare/Medicaid.d
You also wrote.
We don’t want to hurt our partners. But sometimes it happens. If you do want to leave a mentally ill friend or lover, do it calmly and gently (if possible, I know some mentally ill are too irrational to talk to). [MOST IMPORTANT:] A proper goodbye helps too if possible. A sudden cutoff can be devastating.
I had a sexual relationship with a guy who was Bipolar I, for only six weeks. He pulled all the usual flattery, or as one of the songs I sing “sweet lies, they echo through time”. Then I found out he was sleeping with another woman — and probably several. I was so devastated I wanted to kill myself. This, after only 6 weeks!! Can you believe it????!! It took me nearly a year to get over it. My psychiatrist was so concerned about me that he gave me a two hour session. I did come up with a really nifty way to get over him. He was court ordered to come to the drop in center where I used to go. (That was where he trolled around for vulnerable women..) Well, I decided that whenever I saw him, I would imaging that he was a biological sample on a slide under a microscope. I would study this creature carefully to find out what it was about him (and others like him) that I was attracted to. This was a very fun exercise, and it got to where I could even make a few sarcastic remarks to him if he tried to talk to me. (He had to talk to me in a business way because he worked behind the counter in the lunch line.)
Just ended a 12 year relationship. He refuses to receive treatment. Stated he doesn’t need meds anymore. Has gotten progresively nasty. Curses at me. Calling me names. I tried for years going to therapy with him but then he put a stop to me going and being allowed to speak to his dr or have his dr reply to me. Spread many lies about me. Has cheated on me many times with escorts… Just couldn’t take it anymore
I have been in a relationship with a woman for 9 months and have been with her and stuck by her through all of her bpd symptoms,(she denies having it) addict mentality , and I reached my breaking point finally and I feel so guilty for it. I told her last night I had just reached my limit, I know that was wrong but when you are so beaten down sometimes you do not handle things as appropriately. but feel guilty because I said I love her , but I feel my own mental health suffering. I am over 40, in last year of college, just got hired by a wonderful company for my dream job, and I have tried so hard to stick with her until she gets better but there is always something wrong. Just wanted to vent. I thank you for being here.
You are a wonderful person for sticking by her. Sometimes you can love someone so dearly and so much that you feel them in your heart but you know can’t live with them. She isn’t going to get better. You know that. I went through something similar and it wasn’t until after I had left that I realized I was a co-dependent and an enabler. It’s hard to do something for yourself but this a time, when you have to because you can’t keep riding the roller coaster with her without losing a part of yourself in the process. God Bless.
Mishelle thank you so much for responding so soon:) She has promised me anytime this happened she would get help and of course and never followed through, she projects her illness onto me and drains me. I am in the hospice field and my job alone is very draining although it is so close to my heart and i know its my calling. There just doesnt seem to “be enough of me” to be able to be in a relationship with her anymore. It is very one sided. The lies, deceit, and I tried to focus on the positive aspects that I fell in love with about her but the chaos and drama just became too overpowering. In the beginning I sensed the codependent thing coming so I set boundaries for self protection and it worked a little but now since she has gone off of her medication and is always wtihdrawing from something…I just feel I have no more of me to give. Also her allowing people in her life that are drug dealers and such and making poor decisions about people is not at all what I am about. I dont even drink lol. So I suppose I am doing the right thing although I have to deal witht he guilt of “abandoning her” after saying I love her and would work through anything. ut how can I when she doesnt acknowledge the BPD? Whew, that was alot and again I thank you so much for your response and lending an “ear”
First, understand that you did not “abandon” her. There is nothing wrong in saving your own sense of sanity and getting your bearings back again. You love her and are still in love with her. All of us grow up believing love conquers all but it doesn’t and that’s just the truth. You put up boundaries to try and protect yourself so that you don’t become co-dependent but it still happens. You still lose a sense of yourself in the relationship because you put your partner first and foremost. Walking away is the most painful thing you can do, it’s also the best thing because if you lose yourself then neither of you is well. My girlfriend was bipolar. She said she didn’t like the medication because it made her feel numb and she wanted to feel all of her emotions. I went through a lot with her. She would accuse me of all sorts of things, mostly that I was cheating on her. I have never cheated on her or anyone for that matter and never even thought of the things that she accused me of let alone do them. She would get this picture in her head and that’s the delusion. There is no rationalizing with them, when the delusions come. There is no reasoning with them either. The rage, name calling and broaching physical violence was the worst. She would spend all of her money then demand that I buy her things, that I take care of her financially I did. When she was not in an episode, she would apologize and say that she didn’t want to lose me because of her mental illness. Before I met her, she had done drugs. Had thought the police were trying to kill her during one psychotic break and they had to use a tazer on her. I didn’t find this out until after we were together. She told me about her problem with alcohol. Told me she no longer drank then I came home one day and she had a bottle of Vodka and was busily drinking herself into a rage. I paid all the utilities and have the rent, as I know her monthly check wouldn’t cover everything. I left her but I still felt obligated to help her financially and still do. I pay half the rent directly to the landlord. I pay the utilities online as they are in my name. I have no contact with her, as I feel that is best. I don’t want her hurting financially or ending up on the street but I can’t live with her either. I have peace now. My life is going forward without her. Yours will too. Live. If you had stayed with her, she would have drained you emotionally. She will not get better, but you will heal and move forward. You are reclaiming your life.
Yes she is draining me very much. I guess it is best to just cut off all contact completely? I tried talking with her yesterday but you are right about not being able to have a rational conversation about what is going on with her. The irrationality of the things she says blows me away. I have studied so much psychopathology and such but boy when it hits you personally it is so different. I feel like an idiot because I want to work it out with her but rationally I know it is not possible. She says im a heartbreaker and its a tragedy and I have always “left” her but if I dont leave I will go insane. Her view of things is so skewed. Had a conversation with her last night and then woke up to all of these texts on two different platforms(phone texts and facebook) that are saying one thing one hour and the next something different, makes me question my ability to communicate because I am so floored by the inconsistency in her thought process, yet logically I know its the mental illness. So would it be best for me to cut it off completely? Guess I need to keep repeating to myself that I deserve peace again and happiness.
Hi again, Laurie, in reply to your comment to Mischelle, you wrote three things I have had experience with:
“She says im a heartbreaker and its a tragedy and I have always “left” her but if I don’t leave I will go insane. Her view of things is so skewed.”
I have not personally been called a heartbreaker, but I know someone who is one. She and I have been very close for years, but our communication has gotten worse and worse, and I got so tired of it I broke off with her 2 months ago – for the second time in 10 years, and it’s permanent this time. But that’s besidei the point I/you are discussing. Anyway, she is a heartgbreaker to men. She dresses in all the most beautiful styles. She has impeccable makeup, and is very beautiful, and attracts men like a magnet. She wants a loving partner so much! She has been hurt — a lot!!! But she has terrible judgment. Here are only two examples: She is a ballroom dancer, and meets a lot of men. She also met a guy online who treated her absolutely wonderful. I’ll start with that relationship: After she met him, she threw a “mister wonderful” party for the family and him. Soon after, he proposed marriage, and she said Yes, and he gave her a ring. To make a long story short, she pulled back from him more than once. Either broke up and/or took “time off to think.” Finally, after 3 years, he broke up with her. This devastated her, and she cannot understand why he did.
The second guy that I remember is one she met at dancing. He was a regular there, as was/is she. Both had recently had a partner break up with them, so they became almost best friends, and “supported” each other. They talked about “everything,” she told me. He told her he was in love with her. She told him she was not in love with him. He sounded to me like a great guy. Anyway, I told her this: “When one person is in love, and the love is not reciprocated by the other, someone is going to get BADLY HURT.” This did not have any impact on her, and she had several men like this. But regarding this one, after 2-3 years of being “friends only,” he came to her house like he often did. They had a few drinks and made out like wild on her couch. He said, “I think we are falling in love.” After the make out session, she told me she felt cold. She told me, “Now I have to figure out a way to tell him, without hurting him.” WHA…..???? She’s already hurt him badly with her terrible judgement and behavior with him. I didn’t stick around to hear the rest of his hearthbreaking story. These poor, poor guys.
Did I send you the info about the great song, “I love you so much I hate myself'” By Ed Haynes?
You also wrote, “makes me question my ability to communicate because I am so floored by the inconsistency in her thought process, yet logically I know its the mental illness.”
I have to wonder if her inconsistency is deliberate. I once had a sister in law who was a marvelous con artist. She conned people out of tens of thousands of dollars. She tried to con me and her brother (my husband) out of the ownership of our house!!!! Luckily my father was a lawyer. I talked to him about it and he said to see an attorney (Daddy was not that kind of attorney. He was a labor lawyer). The lawyer told us she was conning us. She was amazing — any conversation with her sounded fine, but when we left her after the conversation, we wondered what on earth had just happened! It was spooky.
You also wrote:
” So would it be best for me to cut it off completely? Guess I need to keep repeating to myself that I deserve peace again and happiness.”
Having mental illness does not give free license to run all over someone. Here are some books I recommend, and DON’T LEAVE THEM AROUND WHERE SHE CAN FIND THEM. You MUST keep these books private and for your eyes only. They are your tools to freedom. They were hugely helpful to me. The reason is that she can use the information in it against you. 1. “The Verbally Abusive Relationship, by Patricia Evans;” 2. “The No Contact Rule.” 3. Getting Free: You Can End Abuse and Take Back Your Life” by Ginny NiCarthy. “The No Contact Rule” came out later than I needed it, but I’ve had that inclination and skill for a very long time anyway. The other two were hugely helpful. Patricia Evans wrote a sequel, too, but the one I mention is the one to read first.
Cutting off contact is the best thing you can do for yourself and for her too. Her mind is going on a roller coaster ride and you don’t have to go on that ride with her. You are strong. Yes, you love her and would give anything for her to communicate with you rationally but she will never truly be able to do that. There will never be stability. You can have a beautiful conversation one minute and in a few hours it’s like that conversation never happened. The person you are talking to is completely different and irrational. It digs at your soul. I know. I’ve been there. I felt that I was seeing the real version of Doctor Jekyl and Mr Hyde, only in my case it was Ms. Jekyl and Ms. Hyde. I’ve left her before but we had communicated before and I allowed myself to believe with false hope that each time I went back it would be better. It wasn’t. Finally, I left and cut off contact and it’s over. I had to do that for me. I have peace now and I’m moving my life forward. You can do the same. Choose peace and happiness. You deserve it. All of us do, including the ones we love.
Mishelle you are exactly right. The moments of rational , amazing, intelligent conversations is what gave me false hope before that there was a chance things would get more stable.
Hi Laurie,
It’s a terrible shame. Without a doubt it must be frustrating and heart-breaking for you. On the other hand, she sends to be having more than her fair share of problems and I imagine this is terribly difficult for her too. I would hate to be in her shoes: having to try to deal with with constantly changing but overwhelmingly strong emotions. It’s hard enough having to deal with the anguish of loving someone with bipolar – I don’t think I could cope on the inside. It’s no wonder some people say that at best all you can be is a friend, in order to protect yourself and be able to maintain a level of calm and consistency in your own life. Good Luck and sorry you’re having to go through this.
Yes, it’s sad, but we all have to protect our mental health. Who know what impact she could have on your career?
In regard to two of my husbands: The first one was studying birds and insects in college. (ornithology and entomology) . I helped him make flashcards to learn them by picture. And helped him use the flashcards. Also went out into the parks to view bird behavior and collect the insects for his class required collection of one species per Order of the insects. We had tons of fun doing these things!!! In contract, when I went to grad school (age nearly 50) he insisted I have all my study materials put away by the time he got home from work.
You are exactly right about my career and I start my new career tomorrow. I think that is what my fear was is what impact she would have and I know it would not be good. So thankful I can get some validation here about the hard decision to leave. Thank you:)
Before i reply directly to your situation, I must clarify/correct my own response before….The man who didn’t help with my grad school work was a DIFFERENT husband!!! I’m sure the first husband would have treated me well about that! Oops.
Well, anyway, regarding your reply to my reply. glad my comment was helpful. I’m hoping that, with her out of your life it will be such a relief that your new career will be smooth swimming. (Have you two stopped living together yet — or maybe you weren’t living together anyway). If you are still living together, it might be rough at first since you still have to split up????
We weren’t living together yet. We live about 20 minutes apart and that was another issue with us. The only way I could see her is if I drove to her house and the time and money that takes adds up. I have just got to be careful not to fall into the “i promise I will change and get help” that she may say…I have heard that so many times before. Gave chances, and here I am. Starting a new life and praying she would be with me but that wont be the case and I have to come to terms with that. I do know that us not living together yet may make it easier. She wanted to live together quickly but glad I listened to my gut and waited.
Hi Laurie, Good on you, listing to your gut and not living together too soon. My b/f, when we were “new” about 4 years ago, saw a cute little house for rent. He wistfully said we could live there. I said I wasn’t ready. Very soon after I said that, I recognized that I can’t live with ANYBODY.
I’m at the point of desperately wanting to leave, and have been for ages. Actually doing it is a whole different ball game though. My husband refuses any help and says he needs a magic wand…. he’s also still drinking a bottle of wine each night, even though his meds say no alcohol. He refuses any treatment and advice or assistance. I’m exhausted. I’ve done this for twenty years, and I’m utterly drained. I think it all became clear when I’d have liked some support or empathy over menopause, and all he said was “I can’t” Can’t do anything but take…,
Here’s a song that addresses your dilemma. I’ve “been there” too, with more two husbands. One I stayed with for 9 years (he was a verbally and financially abusive alcoholic). The other was a very, very sexy guy – that was so hard to leave, ha ha. He was a gas lighter, He told me “I don’t get mad — I get even.” I’m learning the following song. The singer/songwriter is Ed Haynes. The song is “I love you so much I hate myself.” You can find it on YouTube under “Ed Haynes I love You so much I hate myself.” The song is a SOOOoooo… funny!!!!, but it’s SOoooo…. TRUE!!! Hope you can figure out a way to leave him. Do have a way to support yourself? And a place to live? That’s the hardest part for a lot of us.
I finally had to walk away. I realized I was enabling him. He needed to be on his own to deal with his issues. It is tough.
Wow.
You portray people with mental illness as monsters. Thank you for that.
Some are. Some aren’t. I don’t think anyone here is stereotyping “all” people with mental illness — or stereotyping people with or in any other condition, medical, cultural, or anything else.
Not in the least. You might have read that into it, but I’m sure that wasn’t intended. This is support for those of us wanting and needing an understanding ear…
Boy does this article speak to me. I have a sister who is paranoid schizophrenic. The family has been trying to help her for over a year. What makes this so frustrating is that she can be helped if she takes her medication (Haldol), but she refuses and holds onto her paranoid delusions. She will rant for hours to anybody who will give her an ear. I think I’ve reached this point of looking the other way so to speak. Wondering what her future holds, will she be homeless and clueless about what she’s doing to others and herself; talking to herself and reliving the past. This is all too depressing to think about. She can’t be reasoned with. I guess the one hope the family has is if she threatens herself or others then she might get institutionalized and have the medication forced on her; but until then this is just like a living nightmare. Already I have a half dozen phone calls from her this day. Like you said we have a right to happiness to.
Hello, Larry. I’m very sorry to hear about your sister’s condition. I have had to break it off with three friends who were only somewhat paranoid, but had a diagnosis of paranoia (each of them told me this about themselves.) So my former friends were not as majorly paranoid as your sister. There was a woman living int the apartment upstairs from me, who had major paranoia, though. She must’ve been on-again, off-again her medications. Because sometimes she was friendly and sweet. Other times she would write ugly notes to me, accusing me of smoking in my apartment and hiding it. She said she “knew” it was me. One time she even accused me of burning incense to hide the smell of tobacco. Another time she accused me of pestering her by coming up to h er apartment A LOT, which I never did! I’ve never smoked in my life and everyone here know s that. The three milder friend would just be suspicious of me and accuse me of slighting them with something I said or did. I got real tired of that, and one time I told one of them that she’d need to deal with her paranoia and she hung up on me. Which was fine because that ended out friendship. Oh, and by the way, the last woman I just mentioned also went through a phase where she was writing me “love notes” so to speak SEVERAL TIMES A WEEK. This went on for about a month — She’d say we “have so much in common,” and that I was her “best friend.” Geez. Well, another interesting point here — I got an email from a group called Adapt (dot) org Here is part of what they say, and my reply. What do you think?
Their message: While in Washington DC, ADAPT is working to secure Senate cosponsors of the Disability Integration Act (S.2427) and secure introduction of a House version. This historic civil rights legislation requires states and insurance providers that pay for Long Term Services and Supports (LTSS) to provide community-based services first and offer HCBS to people currently in institutions.
The proposed legislation says “No public entity or LTSS insurance provider shall deny an individual with an LTSS disability who is eligible for institutional placement… community-based long-term services and supports that enable the individual to live in the community and lead an independent life.” It also makes it illegal for a state and insurance providers that pay for LTSS to fail to provide HCBS by using waiting lists, screening people out, capping services, paying workers too little for services, or the other excuses which states have used to keep people from living in freedom. DIA requires each state to offer community-based services and supports to any individual who is eligible to go into an institution. It also requires states to take active steps to make sure that there is enough accordable, accessible, and integrated housing. Finally, the legislation also includes new enforcement mechanisms to assure that states comply with it when it becomes law.
My reply:
please take me off your mailing list. I am disabled. I do not agree with your solution.
Although I agree with this part, “using waiting lists, screening people out, capping services, paying workers too little for services, or the other excuses which states have used to keep people from living in freedom,” I have to wonder if this law would give priority to disabled people, depriving seniors and others of a place to live. In the city where I live, we have one of the highest rates of no-housing the country. A law like what you propose would be disastrous here.
I also do not agree that all disabled people would benefit from living in “freedom.” A beautiful and well run living place, which you define only as “institution” is wonderful. I loved living in dormitories in college, and at the age of almost 50,, I went to graduate school and lived happily in the dorm for the summer. I also have stayed in two Salvation Army shelters for women. They were wonderful, although I guess that not all Salvation Army shelters are great. But the two I stayed at sure are.
The YWCA used to provide rental rooms for women, nationwide. It’s a real shame he Y no longer does this. I also don’t know if the YMCA still provides rooms for rent. These are “institutions,” too.
I need an opinion on my sister’s current situation. For a year now the family has been trying to help her financially (paying her room and board at a friends house) and helping her find a job and get an apartment (we paid the first month rent and security). Well after less than a year she lost two jobs (we don’t know if fired or quit). As I stated in my earlier post she is now delusional and arrogant. She has run out of money and will have to leave the apartment shortly. She wants the family to supply her with a free room and board. I told her unless she takes her medication (Haldol) I would not help her at all. She refuses and says her doctor is part of a conspiracy to undermine her. I don’t think she has made any plans what so ever when she’s forced to move. She seems obsessed with her persecutory delusions. My question; should she be helped financially? We don’t want to be an enabler.
That’s a really good question, “Shall the family help her financially.” I myself was helped financially by my parents. I didn’t want to be, but did accept help when they insisted. Like your sister, I could not keep a job -job. But I was successful in two independent small businesses. I could only manage to work part time. But I brought in enough to support myself, barely. He wold give equal amounts at the same time to my brother and sister, also. But one benefit, at least I think so, is that — because of this support maybe — I was never hospitalized. The family put up with my depressions, over-sensitivity, and rages. But…. that was the way with the whole family, so I guess none of us realized that people did not have to live with all this turmoil. I know I didn’t find out about living in peace, and boundaries, until middle-age. Other than giving you my story, I don’t know what to suggest for you. BUT my parents had A LOT OF MONEY, so their gifts did not affect their livelihood. If your family would suffer financial problems, then you all need to protect your own financial state! Another story about my life — I supported two men (sequentially) who put me into poverty. Both of them, after I divorced each one, ended up with good jobs and good incomes. In my case — which is often true of women who divorce — I remained and remain in poverty, dependent on government benefits.
Larry – that’s a tough one: finding the balance between nurturing and tough-love in order to give the right support.
Personally I believe that any support we give people should be with the intent of helping them to stand on their own two feet. But it sounds like the approaches taken so far aren’t helping your sister to become independent and self-sufficient (in the long-term).
She’s a big girl now – time she started to behave like it. Don’t give her the option to continue a lifestyle of ‘entitlement’ and handouts.
It will no-doubt be hard and you will most likely feel guilty and that you are standing by and doing nothing – almost letting her fail – but you can’t keep carrying her. She has to learn to function just like everyone else does.
I truly believe that a mental disorder doesn’t necessarily make someone lazy or ‘entitled’ or a ‘taker’ but the challenges that the disorder presents can prevent a person being able to see beyond the immediate hurdles. So their field of vision becomes much shorter and they can appear to be selfish but sometimes that’s not a matter of choice – it’s simply as far as they can think while fighting their daily challenges: it’s just survival. I think this is often why we see people continually making bad choices. To extend their thinking beyond that will most likely require drastic intervention to either remove their challenges (so they can focus on the bigger picture) or to force them into dealing with the consequences of their actions / choices.
That’s just my opinion but I hope it helps.
I forgot to mention but hopefully it’s clear and obvious: your sister needs her medication. If you can’t trust her to take her meds and KEEP taking them then it’s time to consider hospitalisation. That might be the intervention that she needs in order to get her to a state where she can now think beyond her paranoia and schizophrenia.
While her behaviour might seem really destructive, I don’t envy your sister one bit: she’s got one hell of a tough battle ahead of her.
Regarding hospital commitment, well, in my state which is in USA, people cannot be committed unless they are “a threat to themselves or someone else.” Here’s more about our laws: For both inpatient and outpatient treatment, a person must meet the following criteria:
be a danger to self/others;
be unable to provide for basic personal needs and is not receiving care necessary for health/safety; or
have chronic mental illness;
have had two hospitalizations in previous three years;
have symptoms/behavior substantially similar to those that led to the previous hospitalizations, and
will continue to physically or mentally deteriorate to either standard (1) or (2) if untreated.
I guess that brings up a good question. To what extent can the family hold her accountable for her actions and how much to relegate to her illness. She behaves like a immature adolescent (she’s 46). She’s got to have some responsibility for her actions. We just don’t know where to draw the line. Right now she’s way out in left field so to speak. Totally engrossed in her own world of make believe. Everything else is shut out. I had to disconnect my phone temporarily to stop her from phoning me., Sorry if I sound a little impatient, but this wears on a person.
David, You wrote this, which really speaks to me: ” if a person internalises their thoughts, feelings and concerns then they also often get it wrong and can easily convince themselves that 2+2 really does =5.” I had this with two ex-s. The one I’ve written about in my last several posts used to make light of our fights and turned the story into a laughing matter. He’d even tell friends about it, in my presence, and I didn’t know what to say/do, in front of t hem. The other one was a con artist; name started with M. He “disappeared” some of my most prized possessions, erased some of my favorite tapes, put my favorite vinyl record in the car window on a hot day so it melted. His brother told him, as the ex- reported to me, “Keep ’em guessin’ M. keep ’em guessin.” M certainly did that. He was gas-lighting me. Almost all the time.
Such a great article. I have lived/dealt with my bipolar husband for almost 18 years. I have been physically and verbally abused, cheated on twice, had all household responsibility on myself while he spends all the money and dealt with his drug addictions. I have left him 5 times only to keep blaming bipolar disorder, not him. Making excuses. This time I am leaving for good. Our teenage children have begged me to, told me they just want him to act like a father, and even confessed their “secrect” that they witnessed the cheating at 10. I just hope that the damage I let him do to the kids is reversable. I was always applauded by family and friends for taking on the feat of his bipolar and ptsd. I felt it was all my responsibility.
Like Bob mentioned in the comments, if the lifeguard realizes the person he is rescuing is actually going to drown him also, that is too much of a risk. I only wish I stopped making excuses for his behavior years ago. His bipolar disorder is not the reason he has done these things. The reason is because he is selfish and childish and I have let him manipulate me.
Dear Jenn, You certainly are not alone in your compassion and in remaining and trying to support your husband. I stayed with an abusive — and probably two-timing, or multi-timing husband for nine years. He was so unsupportive of me — rude and mean and called me a Bi**h many times, spend my money on beer, and bourbon, etc. I won’t go into all the unfortunate details, except that he drove away ALL my female friends. He extinguished my natural enthusiasm and cheerful periods in my life. But he was a scientist, and finally I told him, “I’ve tried everything. Now, I will change one more “variable” [scientific language]. Me. I grieved, went into a very irresponsible period, but finally got a life. I have been doing great for years now.
My sister stayed with her alcoholic, porno TV watching husband for 22 years before she left him.
Best of wishes for your future, and that of your kids, too, of course.
Ugh. The B word is my name. He will drop $100 like its nothing and then wonder why I am not feeding him a fancy dinner the night before payday. I am better than that. My kids are better than that. He puts out such a different face to friends and family. He is helpful and caring…..it has been difficult to leave him for that reason. I know now that I have to change the me variable. So happy to hear you had a positive end result. Ready to focus on myself and kids and stop worrying about the next thing he will do to mess our life up.
Hi, Jenn, My ex- was similar to this, but different. You wrote ” He puts out such a different face to friends and family. He is helpful and caring…” That’s how he started out with me, when we first met — yeah, for TWO WEEKS.. He had me hooked! I figured, “That’s his real self!,” and that was what kept me going. I believed he could be h is “real self” again. Not! His real self was to deceive. He was the sexist LOOKING man. But he started denying me! One time I went for a YEAR without “any.” In retrospect, I figure he was having affairs with other women! He had every opportunity, as he was gone at work for 2-3 weeks at a time. Plus he used to talk about and to persuade me to have “open marriage”! How could I trust him!!! I would forgive him, and figure that means everything would be okay from then on. (Some years later, I read a column by a minister. He said, “You can forgive someone, but that does not mean how have to have them in your life. ” What an eye opener that was, and I wished I’d known that years before. Even Al Anon did not tell me that! As for friends we’d meet, and have over to our home, he’d be real nice to them — at first.Charming, intelligent, able to have LIBERAL and humane political discussions if that was the friends’ political persuasion. Gradually, he would drop in cuss words, then get really dirty — filthy , filthy language! Made my friends sick to their stomach, and they never came back. One friend told me after I broke up with him that she just could not understand how I could have put up with him. As for his politics and general beliefs and actions, he’d call women the C word or other things, children were “larvae,” and he had ugly epithets for old people, minority races and cultures, and he would sometimes yell these words out of the car window at someone.
That’s awful! I have more of the textbook bipolar husband. He won’t see a therapist other than for meds which is required by the VA. I have seen one most of our marriage and have always been told as long as I can separate the bipolar actions from the actual person I can make it work. That has become true. The past 3 years he has become one with bipolar disorder to me. All I need now is a job to get out. I have no family and friends from when we moved cross country to be with his family. I honestly think they have made our situation worse due to their drama.
Hi, Jenn,
A classic example of what an abusive spouse will do is isolate their partner. Sounds like that is exactly what your bipolar husband — the abuser — has done to you, moving you across the country to be with only HIS family, away from your own familiar environment and support systems. In a very real way, my ex- did the same to me, by driving away all my friends.
Synergy, I just realized how that sounded about the move. I was the one that suggested the move. He was in a deep depression due to being forced to retire as a disabled vet. I figured if I could get him around his loved ones and remove him from the area of the military base it could only help his situation. Hindsight is 50/50. I set myself up for failure on that one.
Jenn, sorry I put the blame on your husband for your move! You were so sweet to him, and so, so supportive. But although it is sad, I can completely understand how two people just can’t be together. As for me, After decades of arguing with my sister over the phone, then via emails, I have given up. I’m sad, but relieved. A few weeks ago, she said, “We don’t have a communication problem.” Over ten years ago, we both agreed that we had a communication problem. I suggested back then that the two of us go together to see her therapist; then both of us to see my therapist, and we could work out our communication that way. (I said I didn’t care which therapist we went to first….) Her response? “I don’t want to spend my time that way.” She has extremely poor judgment in many things, and am tired listening to the dramas she brings upon herself, often messing up other people’s lives in the process. She also never invites me over to her place, nor comes to mine, although we live less than 20 miles apart, and it’s a quick trip by car or public transit. She sends gorgeous greeting cards on holidays, valentines, etc. saying what a wonderful sister I am, and how much she loves me. But it’s a love I certainly do NOT understand, as it has no substance. Three people told me recently, “You are on-again, off-again with y our sister.” That really woke me up! Yeah, it was every three or four DAYS that we’d have a big misunderstanding over something so insignificant that my therapist was AMAZED that she’d gotten so upset over one teeny tiny thing I’d written to her and our brother, that she took offense about, and we wrote NINE PAGES arguing about. Anyway, these problems would put me in a tailspin for DAYS, then we’d make up and be really fine for a FEW DAYS, till it all started again. There are so many other examples — she blames me for all kinds of little things, for one. 8-10 years ago, I’d cut her out of my life. My brother told me then, after a few months, that my sister was “distraught” with me breaking her off. He wanted us to get back together, so I did. Now, i have cut her out of my life PERMANENTLY. She knows it, and and told her it was a relief! Recently I star ted feeling a little bit of sorrow and sadness about us never seeing each other again, but then I “relive” what it’s really been like, and know I have done the best thing to protect my own mental health. Again, Jenn, I’m very sorry that things didn’t work out for your marriage, and admire your caring, persistence, and now y our decision that it’s time to really take care of YOU.
Hi Jenn,
I do have to admire your tenacity, perseverance and commitment to your relationship. Even though it sounds as if for much of your relationship you were oblivious to the cheating etc.,… it certainly sounds like you just do what you truly feel in your heart is the right thing IN THE GRAND SCHEME OF THINGS.
To be fair, I think one of the problems with us humans is simply that we don’t know exactly what a person is thinking or feeling. We can only go by what they tell us or how they act. And there are so many ways that words or actions can be misinterpreted. And if a person finds it hard to talk then we’re left 2nd-guessing – and that rarely ends well. Add to this that if a person internalises their thoughts, feelings and concerns then they also often get it wrong and can easily convince themselves that 2+2 really does =5. And of course, because it’s internalised, we’re back to square 1: it’s hard for anyone else to even be aware of how the person feels, let alone understand. So then we start to look at the actions – and they can often mislead us because hey, when people are struggling they often don’t behave the way they normally would, or how they would like to or the way that we would like or expect them to.
So when you add bipolar to the mix (propensity to obsess and over think things internally, inability to communicate if depressed and then act on mislead emotions or simply overwhelming whimsical emotions – possibly even just from a frustrated need to just do something, ANYTHING to try to remove what’s causing them pain or for what they truly believe is in their best interests at the time) – it’s no wonder that so many who have been close to bipolar (whether professionally or personally) say that bipolar people are not capable of life-long relationships. No doubt there are exceptions but there’s plenty of evidence to support the cynicism.
So it becomes difficult, to say the least.
You have endured a tough struggle. Sadly it hasn’t given you the outcome you had hoped for. Hard as it is, try not to reflect overly on what you could have done differently to save the relationship. You can only control your own actions. And I doubt that your actions are a defendable excuse for your husband’s cheating or drug abuse.
Will you ever know whether his actions were due to the bipolar or whether he would have been a cheater and an addict anyway? Probably not. As I get older I become less tolerant of excuses. It comes down to whether or not a person has become the kind of person that is worthy of capable of a relationship. It sounds like your husband has had his chances and has proven that he is falling far below the standard required. It doesn’t matter why. He is insufficient and lacks the qualities required. End of story.
Take comfort in your children. At least in this sense, love can overcome all and win through. Enjoy the freedom to move on and remove the negative from your life that has no doubt been holding you back for so many years. I wish you all the best as you move forward with your life.
David
Thank you for the kind wishes. Maturity is definitely something that has helped me come to the conclusion that we are simply better apart. My biggest hopes would be that we will be better parents apart and even possibly take a friendship away from it. My husband and I come from extremely different backgrounds. Mine was parents were HS sweethearts and never fought in front of us, which in its own way can be damaging and he came from abusive, drug use, cheating parents/step parents. I hope one day he will see that speaking to someone about his past will help, but after 18 years of pushing it, I have given up. People are hard to understand and those with additional issues are even more difficult.
Thank you so much for your article about the rights of the partner of the mental patient. My ex is in the hospital right now as he goes to it every time he is caught abusing me and also for attention. He left me, cheated on me, cuss me out and verbally abused me, threatened to kill me several times the last time while inside the hospital. The nurse contact the police who informed me to protect myself. When I tried to have a PFA order served to him, the nurse made sure to tell me numerous times how many “rights” he have and his “right” to refused being served. This “control” is what he crave. Once inside the plush “hospital” with a volleyball court, movie theatre, tennis, swimming etc, he can tell any staff to not let me call, to not let me do anything although I spent 15 years wife him living in hell while he abused and cheated on me, abandoned me with 7 children repeatedly and went to jail for years due to his abuse. This time I decide to not let him back and he went “nuts” aka tantrumming like a baby.
The system is so flawed. Without me having him served, I loose my retainer fee and he can come and follow through on his threats to kill me. And the ex is not telling staff to include me in on his therapy to save our family. I spent many years alone while he went on vacation, AFTER he would abuse me and leave for his vacation in the mental hospital resort. I am the one left with the 7 kids to pick up the pieces. So thank you for reminding me that I do have a right to a normal life. And also that there is nothing wrong with standing up for myself and not enabling the abuser to keep abusing me.
Michelle… you are so brave and centered in your comments and insights. I have no answers for you but I can relate to your musings and insights. Know this – you have been so good an true in this situation. I wish you the best and peace.
I think hope got in the way of me understanding that my bipolar girlfriend would never get better. She has used drugs in the past, before I met her. She was and still is an alcoholic. We had talked about her BP. I went to one counselling session with her and she thought I knew the therapist and that me and her therapist set her up, so she didn’t go back to the therapist. Later on, she told me she was going to get a new therapist. Then the mania set in followed by the accusations of me cheating (I have never cheated and never thought about it) and that I had “someone” else. A year of this and I feel like I’m numb from head to foot. I feel like I lost a part of myself. I felt and still do feel obligated to making sure she’s okay and we have a leased apartment, which I have left three months ago but still pay my half of the rent and all of the utilities. I don’t know what to do anymore. I love her but I can’t live with her, that much I do know. I have to constantly remind myself that she isn’t going to get better no matter how much I love her and much hope I have. It’s hard. Our last fight was triggered by me when I told her that no one was coming into the apartment and messing with her computer. I know better than to try and argue with her because there’s no point. Whatever I say is wrong no matter what in her mind. Finally, I told her I can’t take it anymore and our relationship is over. Your article helped to understand what was going on with me and that others have felt the same and dealt with way more than I have had to deal with, but it’s still hard.
Its not always a him. Iwas with my bipolar partner “she” for 8 years . Second time she assaulted me was with a weapon of which she has no recolection. cant take it anymore and for that reason I have no contact even tho I still care. Pretty fkd up
Dear Poverty Valley and all, I just ordered and received a book from Amazon.com titled “When she was bad: How and why women get away with murder.” A lot of radical feminists have a a huge belief that women do not do violence. That is so ridiculous. People do violence, not just men! And by the way, I call myself a feminist. Any woman who benefits from the rights other women have fought for over centuries, is a feminist, whether she knows it or not! There is song by Ed Haynes called “I love you do much I hate myself.” It is about everything you, I and so many people have gone through. You can find it on YouTube.
Sorry, i was having a bad moment. I understand what you mean in this article. I just realised this is for bi polar but I have DID. It must be difficult dealing with someone with a mental illness. You have to be extremely strong to deal with it on a daily basis. Just want people to remember how hard it is being mentally ill. There are of course feelings of guilt and it makes you feel worthless hurting someone you live. Vicious cycle. Youre right in saying they need to be the one to help themselves. Its very hard to see that when youre stuck in a deep mud. There are ways of wording things to mentally unwell people without hurting them but getting them to realise their behaviour. Good luck to everyone x
Im the one with the mental illness but im the one trapped. If i leave hell take our child and use my mental health against me. He did it before and after six months agonising over my child i went back cos i cant live without my son. Most mentally well people are actually more insane than we are. This article pisses me off. No one ever dares to think that maybe we are the victims. Ive given my fair share of shouting at my partner and saying nasty things but he has done terrible things to me. Tired of the stigma
Thank you for this article. Only if you’ve gone through this, which I have with my daughter, do you understand the importance of what you’ve written here. After 8 years of struggle, pain, weathering abusive behavior, I finally came to understand that I must choose not to support her. She refuses treatment of any kind and although I raised her I am no longer responsible for her. She’s an adult and I have the right to happiness, and freedom from abuse. I was raised by a bipolar parent so it cuts very deeply to see my daughter also develop this disorder, but my lifetime of experience has taught me to take care of myself and understand clearly what is not my responsibility.
To all those struggling with these issues know that you have the right to a beautiful life, guilt free and peaceful.
Excellent comments, Lexicon. You’ve written brief, succinct and so true opinions and your experiences on this important issue.
Hi Lexicon. Your comments got me thinking about the example I have used before about a lifeguard needing to leave behind a drowning person if that person is acting in a way which endangers the life of the lifeguard.
I am pretty sure that most of the time, when a lifeguard swims out to rescue someone, the person is a complete stranger to them. However, if the person turns out to be a friend or even a very close loved one or family member, the same principle of self-preservation applies. Other than making the decision more difficult, it makes no difference who the person is, if their actions are about to destroy you.
Best wishes to you as you move on with your life. May your life be beautiful, guilt-free, and peaceful indeed. :)
Thank you so much for this article. I have read this many times.
I recently broke up with my boyfriend. He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder ll in June.
I want to share my story so you guys can take a better view of what it looks like to date someone with BP. Take your own conclusions, I don’t care if someone I love is ill, everyone needs to be loved and understand, but when it gets to a place where you are unhappy and also being abused you better move on for your sanity’s sake.
I met him couple years ago but we never actually dated or even hung out, he seemed to be a nice guy and we just talked occasionally.
I moved from our city but we kept in touch, occasionally. I think that because of that I never realized that something was wrong with him. We both live in California and as you all know smoking weed is permitted here.
He told me last year that he was a smoker, that he used to smoke occasionally just to relax, he told me a bunch of things about himself, like, his mother had problems with alcoholism and his younger sister with heroin.
I honestly got scared and I ended up moving on and not giving him a chance to visit me (I wasn’t in California and he was planning on going to visit me and see if we could work out).
I spent almost a year without talking to him, I was developing feelings and I didn’t want to commit myself to a guy that used to smoke weed, oh and also cigarettes.
we used to talk occasionally just to check in.
This year, midst of February we decide to see each other, he seemed fine. He went to my city to visit me, it was amazing, my friends loved him and we had a great time together.
Couple weeks later he called me high, red flags again! I was strong and told him I didn’t accept that and I didn’t want to date a guy like that. He stopped smoking weed (Thank God). He also saw with his eyes that this was a bad habit and that he should stop. Then his sister would text me, which was one of the weirdest things every, she was really concerned about our relationship and MY intentions with HIM. Like what?
I didn’t understand at the beginning but it all made sense later. She would make a bunch of questions about myself. By that time he was having a trouble sleeping, he would sleep only 2 hours per night and he would say he was fine. Yes, he was getting manic. His family insisted that he would see a psychiatrist because even them notified something awkward about his behavior.
After a long time he did go, and surprise!!!!!!! Diagnosed as a BP
He told me very calmly and briefly over the skype (we were in LDR), of course I asked some advices from some friends and also friends that worked with this kind of patients.
But the thing is that I was ready to move back to California and closer to him because I believed that our relationship was going good or at least he made me believe that.
So I did move, we had a good time together traveling and having a short vacation together.
I met his parents in person, and he was pretty good.
I thought he was.
He was already off his meds when I came to be with him, he was off like 15 days.
I would go with him to his appointments and I would encourage him.
But he was never there for me, he got depressed pretty soon after our vacation and he wouldn’t go to work or even wake up.
It was hard because he had a crisis with me and he would try to put my mom against me, he would say that my mom was against our relationship and whenever I didn’t agree with him he would get angry and tell me that it was because I was talking to my mom.
He also used to say that my friend was gay just because he had a picture with a pink shirt on his Facebook and when he met him he was wearing pink.
He was nice and later he wasn’t
Whenever I knew more than him in any kind of subject he would tell me to stop talking
He was constantly telling me how bad he was and how upset he was with his life but he wasn’t doing anything to get better
He was taking his meds but I feel that they weren’t working
He spent the last 3 months depressed, I was trying to motive him but he wouldn’t do much.
He would say that I was into another guys and that we shouldn’t be together but he never actually broke up with me. He would say that to make me feel guilty
He made a lot of mistakes while he was in a manic state, he bought cars, invested every single penny from his 401k and he used to say that was the main reason why he was depressed but he wouldn’t do anything about it.
It was always the same thing, complaining and crying. One day he was amazing , the other day he would treat me pretty bad.
If I was talking about me, he would pretend to listen to me but he never cared. When I was sick he said that it was because I didn’t take care of myself correctly. One day he was sleeping at my place (he was scared of going home) and I got food poisoned, I almost choked with my vomit and he didn’t do anything to help me out.
When he wasn’t manic or depressed he was the most amazing guy ever, i couldn’t even believe that this disorder changes your moods that much.
He tried to commit suicide. And twice, his parents had to come and grab him and take him home (they live 4 hours from here) because he would not go to work, eat, take a shower. He used just to lay down in his bed for days. He wouldn’t answer the phone or anything like that.
He was in a pretty bad shape.
He lost 3 jobs this year, and he ended up moving in with his parents. The worst thing is that he was such a normal guy when we started to date. I broke up with him but my nightmare didn’t finish. He gave me an iPhone as a birthday gift and after we broke up his parents were paying off all his bills (over $90k) and they asked for the phone back, they were mad at me because I broke up with him. I offered the option of paying off the phone, they didn’t accept it.
I sent he phone back with his hoodie.
Couple days later his sister texted me saying that they didn’t get the phone. But they did, they were doing this just to put me into a trouble. So I told her to double check the box and that was all.
she didn’t say anything else, because she was obviously lying. For a few times she asked me when I would send the phone and she would text me asking how I was. One day she said that her brother was doing much better and that he was happy. Probably she said that to make me feel guilty or to tell me that he was better off without me.
Dating a BP person can work or not.
I had a lot of stress with him, and I was constantly crying because it would get to my skin, it is impossible to be with someone and not feel for them or for their problems.
That was all, there are a bunch of things that happened.
He did quit smoking weed and he didn’t quit cigarettes, but he lied to me.
One day he came in to visit me and I smelled and I asked him and he said “yes I am smoking ” and I said, okay why didn’t you tell me?
And he said “it’s your fault you didn’t ask me because you don’t care about me ”
It was always like that, anyways. It is hurtful and hard to keep it up!
Best wishes!
Agreed, bipolar is a biological disorder so not someone’s fault, but the behavior it causes is vastly destructive. Please do not compare bipolar to cancer, it is not remotely the same situation. As someone else has posted elsewhere, “My response is that you wouldn’t leave a bipolar partner because they have an illness, you’d leave them because their behavior had become dangerous or intolerable, and that while the illness might contribute to that behavior, the illness itself isn’t the issue–the behavior is.
If someone with cancer or diabetes or any other illness refused to comply with their treatment plan and started treating you like you were evil for wanting them to get treatment–would you leave? If they were threatening your safety and your sanity? If they decided to spend you into oblivion because they wouldn’t be there to pay the debt?
If they were doing the same stuff someone with bipolar might do…would you stay with them just because they have cancer or whatever? Nobody looks into divorce because their spouse has bipolar disorder–that’s not the issue–they consider and follow through with divorce because of all of the terrible behavior that comes with the bipolar.
Bipolar doesn’t make people do terrible things, it just makes it easier for them to do terrible things and harder for them to see the consequences clearly. They still get to choose. Many people stay with their bipolar partner until death because that partner does his or her best to maintain their stability and avoids doing things that harm the partner. It is always an option. Nobody HAS to go on a violent rampage, threatening everyone in sight for no rational reason. It’s still a choice.
In sickness and in health doesn’t mean that illness is a “get out of jail free” card. It means that we don’t abandon someone just because they happen to get sick and we might have to carry a bit more than our share of the burden of the relationship. It doesn’t mean that when someone is sick, they don’t have any responsibility in the relationship. At the very least, they have to be able to love us back–otherwise what’s the point? Even an infant or a dog can do that much.”
Only the ill person can help themselves get better. You cannot take their medicine or go to therapy for them.
You should never abandon a person you love. If they are dangerous they will go to jail. People,who abandon animals are looked at as heartless criminals by some. Learn to practice what you preach and stop being so sensitive. Abandonment is the result of your own Shane and vuilt. Never depend on other people to make the decision to abandon someone. They have no stake in your relationship . We are humans beings,for God’s sake. Scared and alone is the worst feeling in the World for some. And having someone else tell our loved one to cut us out of their life could trigger a truly pay hotic person to do something destructive. How many news,stories do you have to see before you get it. Quit trying to heal mental illness by ignoring it or assuming we are just not trying hard enough. Maybe you are not trying hard enough. Just a note…this,is,written impulsively. I realize it is,a two way,street. I can,empathI’ve and understand why this cutting off approach is popular. That being said I still disagree with the concept. It is dehumanizing.
Recovery, I understand where you are coming from, but I’m going to have to disagree with you. Not only are those who suffer from mental illness humans, so are their spouses, friends and family. They don’t deserve to be abused simply because they TRY to love and support their mentally ill loved one. That is the context of Natasha’s article. She isn’t advocating leaving someone who is med compliant and trying to control their disease. She is advocating leaving someone who refuses treatment, lies, steals, destroys her property and is physically abusive. Nobody should have to live in fear that a ‘loved one’ will harm them. You are clearly working on your recovery. That’s fantastic. I know people like you hate being painted with a broad brush and lumped into the same category as those who are as Natasha describes, so don’t lump all of us into one group. Many of us have stood by our bipolar loved ones for many, many years. But there ARE those who are enablers who stay with abusive spouses or family members despite the abuse because they love them. They aren’t doing anyone any favors. All they’re doing is prolonging the misery. If you are actively working on your recovery, then you must realize that NOT being in recovery was a bad way of life that can destroy yourself and everyone around you. Do you really think someone who loves you should stand by and watch that happen? Sometimes the only thing they can do is leave.
Excuse me but I had to reply, you said “we are humans” yet you reference how people are viewed if they abandon an “animal”. Because we are humans, we can talk and communicate with other humans. Animals cannot verbally talk to us as another human can. Animals cannot stroke our hair, and hold our hand, and take us out to dinner, and make love with us, and promise to always be there. We form a non-compatible bond with other humans, especially the one’s we co-create with. These bonds are strong, and when this person has a mental illness (diagnosed by a DR per say) and they began to lash out to us and assault us and threaten us and harm us, there needs to be a distance set between us so we can heal ourselves. If and when a victim or/and partner of the labeled “mentally ill” decides to leave, it is not out of harshness or spite. It is to save our lives, LITERALLY. Unlike a cute and cuddly helpless animal, our once “cute and cuddly” partner have turned into a raging, scary, demon only to be “tamed momentarily ” with a few narcotics. Then the cycle began again, usually more harmful. So please do not compare the abandonment of a helpless cute, innocent animal to the “abandonment” of a abusive, threatening, violent adult. This person have the “capacity of choice” unlike an animal and because of their choices, we are punished. Yes, it IS okay to say NO MORE.
What about those with mental illness who make treatment a priority? You’re tarring all of us with one brush and your post quite honestly pisses me off. Let me tell you why.
I’m diagnosed as having Bipolar type II. I’m also someone who has anxiety issues. I grew up with very abusive people but I chose to seek therapy. I’ve been in therapy for nearly a decade and have been stabilized on medication for almost six years. I am a graduate student finishing my masters, moving on to a doctorate, while being a practicing substance abuse clinician and mental health counselor. I also play music and exercise 6 times a week, eat right, and maintain a tight circle of friends. I make an active effort to keep only positive people in my life and I constantly do more and more to better myself.
At 22, I had a deadly suicide attempt which led to a miraculous resuscitation and eventual stabilization. You have no idea what had to happen for me to find this. Different meds were tried, and now I take metformin because I cannot function normally in a metabolic sense due to my medication. I spend close to $500 a month on treatment and won’t ever entertain the idea of stopping treatment. I’m a responsible, dedicated individual, and mental illness is a part of me- not who I am.
Recently, I had an amazing romance. For two months, we were progressing well and beginning to get serious. I then told her I was diagnosed as bipolar and had a suicide attempt six years ago. Four days later, she dumped me- using every excuse in the book. The excuses she used didn’t make sense and contradicted each other. She reached out again to talk and she finally said something so cruel so that I won’t bother contacting her again. Her pride did not allow her to admit she dumped me for a label. Once I confessed my illness to her, she said she was surprised, and that I seem so “normal” and “stable”. You have no idea how heartbreaking this is and it’s taken me a lot of time to get over it.
The truth is, we who are mentally ill and responsible, decent people who seek and maintain treatment for the safety and sanity of ourselves and others, are STILL grouped in with the caricatured idea of “mentally ill” we see in films. It’s a VERY lonely world out there for us. While your post makes sense, you describe people with CHARACTER PROBLEMS, who just so happen to also be mentally ill. There are plenty of us who are good people, and yet get judged, because of shit like your post.
Let that sink in, and may you one day understand how painful being stigmatized is.
Dear Sam, I feel for your heartbreak. Stigmatizing is real, but I don’t think Natasha is at all referring to that when she wrote this article. She’s talking about leaving abusive people who don’t get treatment. I also have been diagnosed, and in treatment, recovering from Bipolar II. Although stigma has not led to a relationship breakup, it has affected me. One way was when I used to go to a mental health drop in center at a clinic. At that particular clinic, 20 years ago, some of the therapists (not all) treated me like a “case” and not a thinking human being. A musician friend dropped me suddenly when I told him of my dx. I suspected that his wife alienated him because she was very possessive of him and jealous of our musical relationship anyway. A few other less insulting issues with stigma, too, and one with a psychiatrist who was very patronizing. Mostly I’m okay, though. I have a master’s degree, which I earned even before my dx, but I took twice as long to get through the program because of energy problems. I now have a lovely, loving, patient boyfriend who’s the firsit man who has ever treated me decent. I hope you find a woman like that, and soon.
Clearly she was not as good a person as you first thought! If she is so prejudiced against your illness, it will probably follow that she is selective about where she will be compassionate, and may be inclined to unfairly discriminate on other things, too. You are probably better off without her.
Hello Sam. You sound awesome, doing so much to manage your mental health rather than let it manage you. I’m sorry your relationship didn’t work out but she obviously didn’t give it any kind of a chance and certainly didn’t appreciate the effort and application it takes to look after yourself the way you are. Don’t let it deter you. Hope you find that special someone.
Thanks for taking the trouble to respond, Synergy. I don’t feel that he’s particularly dangerous – he has never hurt anyone physically – but the shouting is hard to bear and has left me shaken at times. He doesn’t realise how abusive he’s being. His mother was very volatile when he was growing up – what is intolerable to me is just ‘being cross’ to him. I’ve rarely raised my voice to him. I used to have a terrible temper but have learned to manage it. I have been firm with him about the verbal abuse, setting what boundaries I can, but he always falls back on, ‘This is nothing, you haven’t seen real temper yet’ and ‘I have a life-threatening mental health condition, what do you expect?’ It’s such a shame. He’s such a loving man in many respects but because he refuses to see it as a problem he is destroying his closest relationships. I don’t think the cannabis use helps and although he takes his meds he doesn’t have any kind of therapy. As to the kind of man I want in my life – I’m open to having a less conventional relationship, living separately, keeping my independence – but if we’re struggling to make that work then it really isn’t looking hopeful. Gutting.
Hi Wantingtowalk –
Someone who throws things around the house and kicks holes in doors is dangerous. Just because he hasn’t ever hurt anyone physically – or so he tells you anyway – but even if he hasn’t – yet – you are taking a big risk by betting he won’t cross the line from throwing things and kicking holes in doors to hurting you physically. Of course you don’t want to believe he would ever do that, but that doesn’t mean he won’t. The news is full of stories of men who “seemed like such a nice guy” before they snapped and did something terrible. There is no need for you to take that risk, and you shouldn’t. You are worth much more than that.
You are right to say it is “heartbreaking” and “gutting” and “there are no easy solutions and that’s what makes it so tough.” There is just no good answer – that is, if the answer you are looking for is a way to cure him or make things better, or at least tolerable. Of course, that’s what we all want when we love someone who is bipolar, but that’s just not reality. Chances are very high he won’t get better, and he may well get even worse. In the meantime, if you stay with him (whether you are living together or not) you will be putting yourself at serious and unnecessary risk, not just physically but emotionally, mentally, and in other ways as well.
Your nickname “Wantingtowalk” kind of says it all. You want to walk, you have very good reasons for wanting to walk, and you should walk. Even though it’s hard, even though it’s painful, even though part of you doesn’t want to. You need to do it, and you should. In time it will get easier and you will realize, as Synergy said, that life doesn’t have to be the way it is now for you.
You should not feel “mean” or like you’ve failed him somehow. You haven’t – not at all. On the contrary, you have done a lot for him in the last two years (the same amount of time I was with my ex-fiancee) and you have done more for him than anyone else (same as my situation.) You need to focus on those truths, accept that you can’t make him better no matter what you do, and reject the false guilt. This is the only way you will be able to move on to something and someone who will be much better for you.
Make the right decision, and stick with it. Life will get much better if you do this. Good luck!
Thanks for taking the trouble to reply, Bob. Good to have your take.
Bob and Wantingtowalk,
I really love the old saying, “One door closes, another opens.” Maybe, wantingtowalk, if you really hold, hold, hold onto that thought, it will help you move on. Having been in situations very similar to yours, however, I KNOW how HORRIBLE you will feel at first., after you leave. But remember this — you feel horrible NOW. And it’s not going to get better UNTIL you move on, endure the darkness and loneliness for a few months or a year, and then reclaim YOUR life.
It has been helpful to read this article and the comments and know that I’m not alone. I am on the verge of walking. For months and months, it’s what I keep coming back to and both my head and heart are telling me to do it. I have a relationship with someone who is bi-polar. We don’t live together and I wouldn’t even describe us as girlfriend and boyfriend. We’ve had too many challenging times, particularly this year. He has the worst of tempers, even when he is relatively well. He has never been physically abusive but he has certainly been verbally abusive. I had a hellish car journey in the summer with him when we had gone away for the weekend. He was aggressive for seven hours and I couldn’t bear it. I nearly ended the relationship after that and had to have counselling to help me come to terms with it. He is now in the middle of a serious manic episode. He takes his meds – that isn’t an issue, not this time anyway – and is getting some support from the local crisis team but he does have a heavy cannabis addiction which seems to be increasing. I am finding it very hard, especially when he shouts at me. This has happened three days in a row now and it has led to him throwing things around his house and kicking a hole in one of the doors. The trouble is, I have had spells of depression and anxiety from a young age but have learnt to manage myself. Crucial to this is having time to ground myself, to spend time on my own, out walking or doing other things which nurture and sustain me. But his illness makes him so selfish and self-centred, he doesn’t appreciate this. I work with people affected by serious illness and am familiar with the therapeutic idea that rather than getting in the ditch with people, you put a hand in to help them out. Thing is, I feel like he is dragging me in there with him. I understand that he is suffering but I’m not willing to get in the ditch and suffer with him. I am also tired of my own mental wellbeing being poor cousin to his. It’s heartbreaking. He can be so lovely and we’ve had some wonderful times together but I’m not his wife, partner or carer and never signed up to be any of those things. At the same time, I feel so mean for wanting to walk. I feel like I’ve failed him. Then I have to remind myself how much support I’ve given him these last two years. More than anyone else in his life. The posts here show that dealing with mental illness in a loved one like this is terribly difficult and is in no way black and white. It’s extremely complex and draining with it. There are no easy solutions and that’s what makes it so tough.
Dear wantingtowalk, You wrote: …” he has certainly been verbally abusive….I am finding it very hard, especially when he shouts at me. This has happened three days in a row now,” Here are my answers, if they might help you make a decision about whether to leave or not. (1) he sounds dangerous. From what I understand from going to abuse survivors’ groups several times, and from a lot of reading about abusive people/men, abuse always, always gets worse, the longer the partner allow him to get away with it — such as by staying with him physically AND/or continuing to provide friendship or let him lean you you. There’s a book called “The No Contact Rule.” That’s how I have learned and intuited to solve my problems with abusive people. (2) Over 15 years ago, I set a goal for myself, of the kind of man I wanted in my life. I made a few mistakes along the way. I just went through all my old art therapy work, a large portfolio of it. I kept the ones I found most insightful and threw away the rest. One showed a description of the man I h ave now had in my life for four years. (3) I don’t “do” yelling. I have been yelled at, and yelled back, in drama-filled relationships for decades. Beginning with my father and siblings, and ending relatively recently — maybe the last 5-6 years. I told my present partner (we do not live together) “if you ever EVER yell at me, I will turn my back, walk away, and NEVER LOOK BACK. He knows I mean it! He loves me a lot. He doesn’t want to, or intend to, lose me. He says he “has a temper,” but that the reason I have never experienced it is because I do not “push his buttons.” This is NOT to imply that you or any abused person is “pushing his/her buttons” or is to blame for the abuse — although that is what an abuser will try to make you believe. In my partner’s case, he’s referring to his former girlfriend of 15 years who deliberately pushed his buttons, and was abusive to him in many ways. He finally broke up with her, found me, and then she wanted him back. He waffled a lot, saying he still wanted to be friends with her. He even made a train trip with her. It was rocky for a while, and I would not have put up with this! But then she died of cancer. He says she was “not ready to die,” but it did make it possible for the two of us to stay together. (4) I’ve written elsewhere on this blog about a woman friend of 3 years ( who I’ll call “A”) who suddenly turned on me, screamed at me, said, “I will NEVER, EVER email you or call you AGAIN!!!” This was because I asked her some small thing which I explained here before, and don’t want to run it all over again. Anyway, when she said that, I stood up, said “Bye, A….” , turned my back, and walked away. Believe it or not, I found a letter from her in my mailbox 3 days later. I had no intention of reading it, so I shredded it. This is “The No Contact” rule, for me, for abusers. (5) It sound like you’ve known this man for 2 years? I lived with one abuser for 9 years, another for 11 years, and the most recent one for 2 1/2 years. So I know what you’re going through. Don’t throw away so many years in your future like I did. At that time, I just thought “that’s the way life is,” because that is how I was brought up — in a verbally and physically abusive home. I have learned over the years that there are a lot of people who do not live this way. Now, I am one who doesn’t.
Hello Synergy. I just want you to know that I did reply yesterday to your post to say thank you. But the small ‘reply’ didn’t show at first so it’s as a separate comment.
Hi, wantingowalk, Donna Anderson has a fascinating and INFORMATIVE website called “Love Fraud.”
http://www.lovefraud.com/
Here’s an article recommended on a recent email I got from her. It’s called “Traits that make you susceptible to a psychopath. ” Nowadays, the words “sociopath” and “psychopath” are used interchangeably. Some people disagree with these two words used as one, but hey, that’s happening anyway. I personally think these articles also apply to people with bipolar WHO RESIST TAKING CARE OF THEMSELVES AND GETTING HELP. Even though you are not in a romantic relationship with this guy, I think you might want to read these articles.
http://www.sheknows.com/love-and-sex/articles/1096279/traits-that-make-you-susceptible-to-a-psychopath
Here’s another good one: “Why falling for a sociopath doesn’t mean you are stupid.”
http://www.lovefraud.com/2015/11/16/why-falling-for-a-sociopath-doesnt-mean-youre-stupid/
I’m afraid your last reply is too strong for me, Synergy. I think you are oversimplifying and being very unfair to people with bipolar to say they can be psychopaths. The person I have written about is not an abusive man – it’s just that some of his behaviour is. It’s an important difference. It doesn’t make him a bad person – just someone who hasn’t enough insight yet to acknowledge and address the issues he has with anger and aggression and the part that his cannabis habit is likely to play. He has very many lovely qualities, which is what makes it such a shame. If he was simply psychotic as described in the articles, I’d have walked a long time ago. I think we have to be very wary of labelling – everyone with bipolar is unique and the circumstances are individual to them. As it turns out in this particular case, I have walked away. But I’m not dancing around, feeling liberated to be free of the ‘psycho’ at last. I feel very sad – mental health conditions like bipolar can be so devastating for everyone involved.
Dear wantingtowallk, Perhaps you misunderstood my post, or my intentions. Or maybe my writing was poorly worded. In any was, I only attempted to posit /ask if a bipolar person COULD be a sociopath. And they could be, after all, because there are dual diagnoses. People can have more than one psychological condition at the same time, such as schizophrenia with paranoia; bipolar with schizophrenia; depression or bipolar with addiction, etc etc. In not way was I attempting to diagnose your friend or anyone. Sorry if there was a misunderstanding, as I meant no accusations.
I am so thankful to be reading this. I had to let my son go… I had no choice. He refused meds after being on and off a few times. Became extremely threatening to my daughters and myself. We had to sleep with locked doors . It was a nightmare. Went in twice involuntary and would rather be on the street than get help.
I fully understand. When he first got treatments I stood by him. For three years he has been a nightmare and since he refused meds or therapy or anything and he became a different person. Vandalized my house. Lies stole and threatened his sisters. That was when he would come out his room. Pace the halls at night talking and yelling.
I had no choice and it has been a nightmare for me since I kicked him out. I can’t for one second stop thinking about him.
I wish we had a better system for the sick and a better support system for the families.
Thank you, your article helped to deal with my emotional pain of making my adult son with schizophrenia leave my home. He is continually mentallly abusive and does not think he needs help or is willing to get the help he needs. I was overwhelmed with grief and guilt your article gave me back some peace and knowing that I am doing the right thing….
Diretha ~
Can’t believe what I have just read in your 2 articles!
I have been online searching for answers as my mum at the moment is IN! SHE HAS BI POLAR!
she is suicidal and your answer is to leave her. Yeah that would be easy, just leave her to not n let her know I’m there when she is ready to sort her life out.n if only it where that easy for her.
I don’t think you actually have any idea what it is like to have someone who suffers with a mental health condition in your life. Either that or u have no heart!
Ppl with a mental help condition do not want to feel like they do, they dont want to be alone (although they will try to make u believe just that) it is a vicious cycle. They don’t want to be alone but don’t want ppl to really know what is goin on so they will do anything to lock u out!
Anyone reasing this, you have prob been scouring the net for answers like me, please please please do not leave them. Not is he last thing they need, as hard as it is stand by them, advocate for them be the strength that your loved one so desperately needs. Obviously, from reading this article, there are enough ignorant ppl out there who don’t understand and will put ppl with mental health issues down. Tell me his would you abandon a relative wth cancer ???……….. bet the answer is no! Bipolar, depression, whatever it may be is no different it is a deciese!!!
Be strong and seek help!
God bless
Kelly, you clearly have a very compassionate heart and I feel so sorry that you’re having to deal with your bipolar mom. You mentioned two articles that Natasha wrote… clearly one of them was ‘When You Leave Someone With Mental Illness”. I think you sort of missed the whole purpose of the article and did not read most of her articles. Natasha suffers from bipolar, so clearly she is not advocating that we all should leave our bipolar loved ones. She is, however, letting people know that sometimes you have to leave them for your own safety. If you read the article, you’d know that her brother is also bipolar, a drug abuser, and he’s been physically, emotionally and verbally abusive to her. He refused treatment and continued to steal from her and endanger her family. THAT is why she’s saying you sometimes have to leave them. While 99% of her blogs are to help those with bipolar manage the disease, and help others understand the disease, she is honest enough to admit that sometimes the loved ones must walk away. What you may not understand yet, but I’m afraid you will one day, is that there are those who will help themselves if given a little help, and those who will never try to help themselves and just drag everyone else in their lives down with them. I’m married to my bipolar husband. I hope I’m married to him until the day one of us dies. However, we both know that depends on him doing his part – taking his meds and getting therapy. Otherwise our marriage in unsustainable. BTW, my mother was bipolar too. She was also abusive. I didn’t know she was bipolar at the time, but after a lifetime of abuse I finally had to tell her I was going to walk away and never see her again (or let her see my kids) if she didn’t stop abusing alcohol and drugs. While she never really became stable, she got a lot better and I’m happy to say my kids loved her and vice versa. My point is that your mother may not be abusive, so you clearly do not need to leave or abandon her. If she is, think of it the same way as I was taught as a lifeguard. The first thing I learned is that more people are killed trying to rescue others than any other way. The drowning person will often climb all on top of the rescuer in an effort to save themselves, often drowning them both. However, we were taught to let them sink first, once unconscious, we could safely pull them to shore without resistance. If your mother is fighting you every step, then you cannot help her. You can only help her if she’s willing to work with you or at least give up the fight.
Interesting about the lifeguard training which tells lifeguards that sometimes they need to let a combative drowning person sink first, then let them become unconscious before rescuing them – so they don’t also drown the lifeguard.
I’m not saying that would be easy to do, but in some ways that seems much easier than the task faced in trying to rescue a combative bipolar partner. There is nothing (like lack of oxygen to the lungs and brain) to stop them from being combative and destructive to those around them – even those trying to rescue them. Their illness itself prevents them from “passing out” or otherwise becoming rescue-able. I do hope though that in some cases, the bipolar person “comes to their senses” (at least enough to save the relationship and make it tolerable) when their rescuer backs away from them (or threatens to) for reasons of self-preservation.
However, from my own personal experience, from the many personal accounts I have read here, and from the 90% divorce rate in marriages where one spouse is bipolar, it does not seem very likely that a bipolar person will come to their senses enough to save the relationship. It does happen sometimes (like in Lori’s case – and kudos to her for that) but that seems to be the rare exception rather than the rule. I don’t say this to be negative or a “downer,” but I do think it’s very important that those struggling with the decision about whether to stay in a relationship with a bipolar person understand just how unlikely a positive outcome is, so that they don’t damage themselves in the process, don’t feel unnecessary/false guilt, and don’t spend even more time and other resources trying to rescue someone who is not willing or able to be rescued.
I believe that each of us who are in (or have been in) a relationship with a bipolar person will recognize when things have finally gotten to the point where we ourselves are drowning, or are about to drown. When that time comes is when the difficult decisions have to be made.
I didn’t know that 90% of marriages where at least one person has bipolar, end in divorce!!!! That’s so horrible and sad! I wonder if the same is true of people in an alcoholic marriage. I’ve experienced both, divorced both men. I think it likely that both these men were bipolar, and I am too. In the first man’s case (the alcoholic) a dean at the university where he went advised him to see a psychiatrist. I don’t know the reason, but the husband thought that was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. The second man had been hospitalized for extreme mania, once, before we met. He was prescribed lithium. I think he only that that one episode, but I also think he was unipolar manic. The dx of unipolar manic used to be in the DSM, but was taken out in later editions, if I am correctly informed about that.
My brother has been dx’d with major depression. Bob wrote: ‘I do hope though that in some cases, the bipolar person “comes to their senses” (at least enough to save the relationship and make it tolerable) when their rescuer backs away from them (or threatens to) for reasons of self-preservation. ‘ His wife threatened to leave unless he started taking medication. She’s a strong woman and he knew she meant what she said she’d do. He did start antidepressants, and she did not leave. He told me, “I should have had this medication since I was ten years old!” Interestingly enough though, now he has completely stopped the antidepressants, after many years. He says L. tryptophan has eliminated his depression. I hope he’s right.
I have a few questions… If you give up on your partner having the illness they cannot control. Who will fight for them now? Who else will understand them? Arent you afraid they might end up killing themselves thinking they are worthless and nobody wants them anymore?
Rona wrote: “If you give up on your partner having the illness they cannot control….” This is not a simple matter. Another question could be, “Can a person with severe mental illness take control of their health, or not?” I don’t know if there’s a simple answer to that question. Could lit be similar to the question of whether an “active alcoholic” or other addict is capable of helping him/herself become sober. Part of the addiction, or in this case, the mental illness, is that the person living with/having/suffering from addiction and/or severe mental illness is unable or unwilling to acknowledge that they have a problem, and so choose to continue as they are. In such cases, they have no interested in either getting help for themselves, nor acknowledging that their own life and behavior has a devastating effect on those around them. So the question then becomes, not whether the partner or family member “fights for them or understands them,” is whether the mentally ill or addicted person will cause the caregiver to climb into their illness with them, so two or more lives are ruined. Sometimes it becomes necessary to say Goodbye, regardless of the outcome for the mentally ill or addicted person. Perhaps if they lose enough, they will finally be able and willing to ask themselves “What is wrong with this picture? Why do my people keep walking /running away from me?” And perhaps they won’t. Life is not always easy for either party. We cannot always fix things, even if we want to, and it’s not selfish to leave, if it means to protect one’s own mental (or physical, or financial) health. When I was married to an emotionally and financially abusive alcoholic, I was very accepting and forgiving, for 9 years. I would listen to him blaming me for his own failures. I was afraid if I left him, he’d commit suicide. (What he actually did do, was marry again in a year! He also improved his work situation and got a good job.) Subsequently, I not only joined AlAnon, but I read an article by a minister on the religion page one Saturday. The minister wrote, “We can forgive, but this does not necessarily mean we have to have this person in our life!” I sure wished I had seen that article years earlier. I had thought if I forgave, then things would just be better, and so I’d go on as though there was a “new beginning,” but there never was.
Rona and all, a couple of more things I forgot to mention in my above response. First of all, there are many other resources, options, agencies, medical establishments, and helpful people. The partner/family member is NOT the only one they can rely on or lean on, even though the mentally ill or addicted person WILL CLAIM they are! That is part of their problem — they hang onto their loved one, who can easily become an enabler (as I learned in AlAnon). An enabler is a person who “goes along” with the illness without setting any personal boundaries of what they, themselves, can and are willing, to put up with. In some way the addict / mentally ill person will make them believe that they (the partner/family member) are the person’s “only hope.” This not the case. Secondly, there IS something the family/partner CAN do — research the options! If you can afford it, hire an independent case manager. That is what my family did when my dad had Alzheimer’s, and again when my mother was dying. These case managers’ job entails comforting the family members and finding resources to help the troubled person AND the family. If the family or partner cannot afford to pay a case manger, then they themselves can become one, in a way. This would mean personally doing the research by looking online or in the telephone book to find resources, not only for the troubled person, but for themselves as well. There may be in your community, as in my own, a directory of services. This is invaluable! Ours is published by our local street paper. Research takes time and personal energy. Ask other people, including those one contacts on the phone or on line, for referrals. Ask questions like “where or who do you recommend I call?” Thirdly, NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) may have a chapter near where you live. They offer a “family to family” program for families and partners of those with mental illness.
Also, you don’t have to leave! Nobody will force you to leave, and many people are successful at staying with their partner or family member BUT they get help for themselves to keep themselves from being dragged down into depression, mental illness, or co-addiction. Just as there are programs for the addict or mentally ill person, there are lots of programs for family members. Neither or none of the family needs to go it alone. That’s where the trouble is — trying to do it all, with no outside assistance. Many families, including my own, have grown up believing “we have to keep it all in the family.” They believe it’s some form of betrayal to contact people outside the family. (This belief in extreme family loyalty is one that often can cause children and partners of abusers to be abused , like, forever!) Many of us have had to learn that this is not always the best thing to do, for anyone concerned. My dad, when he had Alzheimer’s absolutely would NOT accept Mother’s desire to find a helper around the house to help her care for him. He also resisted having one of her church friends stay with him while Mother went to church on Sundays. But I researched places to find people who work well with families like ours. My sister and I arranged for Mother, her, and myself, to interview several candidates. One stood out as being someone we thought Daddy would eventually relate to. She was gentle, and even looked like his beloved sister!!! It took him months, but finally he did like the woman we hired. She was a life giver and life saver for my mother. Mother did not leave Daddy. She didn’t want to go to an Alzheimer’s support group. She didn’t think she “needed that.” She wanted to go it alone. But Sis and I finally convinced her to go, and she loved it and made friends who had similar family issues. Finally, Daddy became so helpless that he would have fallen down in the house. I caught him in the hall without his walker, helplessly holding onto a bookcase so he would not fall down. He was 85. I told Mother, “We need to get him into a home.” She said, “I will work on it.” I said, NOW, MOTHER! It was then that I convinced her to call an Alzheimer’s care home. I knew if he were to fall, Mother would try to help him not fall, and then the two of them would fall down together. This, of course, would be disastrous for them both. The people came out and convinced my dad to get into their van. It was very, very sad. Daddy died there 3 weeks later.
hi Rona – I think that the thing to remember is this: nobody wants to walk away – in fact, we would all rather that there was a miracle cure and we could enjoy the positives of what drew us to that person forever without the negatives that go with mental illness. But the reality is that this is often just not possible.
There is plenty of evidence here from people’s own first-hand experiences to show where they have tried, often over several years, to help but have eventually exhausted their emotions, energy and finances. The amount of evidence is too overwhelming to ignore or to indulge in romantic fantasies so it really does become a case of ‘damage limitation.’ Of course, it’s up to each individual to decide for themselves as to how far they are willing to go.
And you have to bear in mind that there’s a common thread where people DO stand by their partner only to have their partner walk away at a later stage, for reasons that their partner is convinced are legitimate and not at all driven by thheir mental illness. But from the outside, the pattern is clear to see.
So Natasha’s point is that it’s important to not feel guilty if you hit that point of realising that there is nothing more that you can do and that it’s time to walk away. By all means feel sad about it, but don’t feel guilty.
As for suicide: in fairness, there’s nothing to say that the person wouldn’t have attempted that anyway, regardless of whether or not you walk away.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: it’s a crap disorder – all you can do (as the non-bipolar person) is try to be as compassionate as you can, including to yourself.
Just my 2 cents.
Ditto to what David said.
As usual, David provides a lot of value for 2 cents. :)
I like this website.
I met my ex about 2.5 years ago but we just started dating about 7 months ago.
I lived in another country and he came in to meet my parents and to ask the big question.
I moved to USA but not to live with him. By the time we were apart he was diagnosed as bipolar disorder, the problem it is that he is really taking his meds but I couldn’t take it anymore.
I am glad I could see it before it was too late.
He spent the last 3 months depressed and going over and over again to his parents house which is 4 hours driving from here.
He left his job, he was passionate about it.
He made a lot of bills
He bought cars and spent all his money and his retirement money.
He wasn’t meeting my needs, it was all about him.
I tried to help I was there supporting him and also going to the doctor, following up because it was important for him.
He was diagnosed just 5 months ago. The medications seems to not be working, he is still depressed and he moved in with his parents . For the last month we didn’t see each other anymore because he is there with his parents, they are paying off all the bills and trying to sell the cars.
I broke up with him 2 weeks ago, I realized that he wouldn’t come back home so soon. I am glad we didn’t move in together.
He didn’t call or try to do something to stop me breaking up. He tried to call once but I cut it off and said it was over and that I needed someone that would be there for me when I needed and when I didn’t
Honestly I love this guy but I love myself more
We had amazing moments together and I still care a lot about him, it’s been really hard.
I am only 21 years old and I feel that it was too much. Besides him going to live with his parents.
He is 28.
Thanks! Think it was the right decision, I will stay in America and live my life, I didn’t come only for him but also to give a better life to myself.
Yes
And he tried to kill himself few weeks ago.
I honestly was a light in his life and I was the most supportive and patient person that you can possibly imagine. But I am done, I love him but I also need someone to be here for me.
He did so many things and that is hard to explain and remember
I keep praying for him because I honestly think that only God and do something in his life.
You wrote: ” He tried to call once but I cut it off and said it was over …” This is exactly what I’ve done — but in my later life than you — when I realized that putting up with a bad situation or relationship won’t work. There’s a book called “The No Contact Rule.” Yes, it is SO HARD to break up with someone you love. But as I wrote another person here, the person “is who he is….Not what you thought he was when you first met.” I married a guy I “believed in” “saw the best in him,” and put up with verbal and financial abuse for NINE YEARS. I was 28 at the time. What a waste of my life. I’m glad you have better sense than I did when I was only slightly older than you are now.
You also wrote: “… and that I needed someone that would be there for me when I needed and when I didn’t
Honestly I love this guy but I love myself more,” Yes!
Hope you have a good life here in the USA!
Best Wishes to you!
I have a few family members who are suffering from a severe mental illness to the point that it has affected my life because they refuse to seek treatment and accept personal responsibility for their actions. For my personal experience it is not worth your health, time or energy on people who may have no hope for change. All you can do is pray that nothing bad happens to them in life and that they get the help they need. But move on with your life and enjoy what you have, because at the end of the day that’s all you have.
Yep.
Yep, I agree, turned every stone I could to help, paranoia and bipolar with denial and without treatment made my young son (4yo now) and I go through the most horrible thing I’ve ever experienced. I was clueless as I was never exposed to depression and there’s no history in my family, now I know after 4 years of hell and gave up to only concentrate on my son. It’s destructive to mind blowing proportions.
I have spent the past 6.5 years with a wonderful woman, who always remained wonderful in my mind dispite the destruction she has caused. She hit a spell of depression a few years back after failing her last class in college and began drinking daily. The drinking soon got out of control, damaged household belongings, loud arguments, reckless behaviors. I loved this woman and I fought back against the drinking to get the woman I loved back. She has not returned. I have offered, and she has accepted as well as attended multiple therapy sessions, AA meetings, the like. I have seen where she was headed with her life and tried my best to get her to turn around before the hole she was digging for herself was to deep to pull her from, but she has kept digging and digging. Three months back she stayed at her Dad’s house while out A/C was being repaired. I have confided in her closest relatives about her issues and asked for help, I received responses at first like no one believed me, or she will stop when she reaches bottom. After reading your articles, I understand that some people have no bottom. While she was at her Dad’s I received a call from a stranger with her telephone telling me she has been in a terrible accident in which the car has flipped but that she was talking and seemed OK and that EMS was on the way. When arriving at the ER she was taking to me on a stretcher covered in debri, cuts and scrapes. Not long after arriving a State Tropper arrived charging her with a DUI. She had been drinking at her Dad’s, drove MY car and crashed it less than 100yrds from her Dad’s driveway. During her DUI hearing she was offered court ordered therapy, and during these few sessions we have discovered she has a preliminary diagnosis of PTSD, and Bi-Polar II. I have all along thought there may be something duel going on, from the way she reacts to stress and her self medicating. Even with almost losing her life, possible jail time, she has continued to drink. I feel as though now I am falling apart, my time spent with her in hopes of recovery seem like it may never come, I do feel as though I am aboard the Titanic.
Mike, I am saddened, and feel for you and your partner’s tragedy. You wrote “I have spent the past 6.5 years with a wonderful woman, who always remained wonderful in my mind dispite the destruction she has caused.” I married an alcoholic. I had had no idea what that was, what it meant. He was wonderful for maybe 2-3 weeks, when I first met him. After that, “that man” was no more. He knew how to behave — he was wonderful, compassionate, nice, courteous when he’d first meet people who were decent. Gradually he’d transform himself into a foul-mouthed, racist, sexist, roaring monster. Needless to say, he drove away all my friends.
The only reason I’m telling you this, is that the wonderful person we THINK someone is, who continues to behave in the most EXTREME irresponsible and self-destructive ways, is not who we thought they were. They ARE who they are NOW.
In my case, I don’t know if the ex- ever turned himself around. When I knew him he had a terrible time holding onto any job, getting any good jobs. He was one of the most intellectually brilliant people I have ever met. He was very talented, too, and could do, build, and fix almost anything. But he was 1000% out of touch with his own feelings. He was physically extremely brave, but emotionally a total coward. He could not be introspective, could not see himself. He was fiscally irresponsible, including bankrupting us, then borrowing against his salary after I managed to pay off our debts. HOWEVER, for the last decades he has been working for the State of Alaska as the captain of an ship. I know that he never drank when he was at sea, so that’s good. He did turn a lot of his life around, but I didn’t want to stay around and watch him deteriorate, and hurt me emotionally anymore.
I went into a severely hypomanic, strange, and irresponsible episode when the marriage ended. I left him physically — kicked him out of the house I had bought –but he had left me emotionally for years and years. Most of my crying had taken place over a period of 9 years,.
I hope my rant has not upset you, but maybe you can somehow relate to my past situation.
I came across this page as I was searching on ways to cope. I love my fiancé more than anything in this world. He has had a tough life and despite that he managed to accomplish some things on his own. He is very smart and resourceful. However, it soon became obvious that something just wasn’t right about his personality. Initially I thought he was moody or not a morning person, etc. but it soon became worst than that. I’m even embarrassed to say that he even hit me once and while I have never condoned that something prevented me from leaving him right then and there. It wasn’t soon after through my own research that I discovered that he suffers from what I suspect is undiagnosed and untreated bipolar disorder. This is compounded with some aspects of PTSD, also untreated, from his past childhood experiences. You ask me what makes me so certain he suffers from Bipolar, well for one he experiences and I have witnessed rapid cycling of his mood swings. Secondly he has terrible money management skills and will over spend money like its going out of style, constantly having to lean on me for assistance with his main obligations (i.e car insurance, groceries, mortgage, medical bills; etc). In fact he is obsessed with money, when he doesn’t have any it’s like the world ends. He can’t function or enjoy life or do anything. Additionally we have had countless arguments that have all stemmed from his various delusions. He has heightened sense to sound. His sleep patterns are all over the place. His affect, at times, can be so inappropriate. He has no empathy or sympathy or compassion regarding anything. I tried to love him and support him through his issues. He acknowledges that he needs some form of help but then everytime we make moves to try and get him some he avoids the topic. Has even raged at me, flipped it and told me I was the bipolar one. He can’t hold down a job for anything because of his bad attitude problems. Over the years we have been together I have lost count on how many jobs he has worked at and more importantly none of them have been long term. He tells me that he doesn’t need to get help, all he needs is me. Moreover, no one wants to be labeled “crazy”. As I think back there were warning signs i overlooked because I was blinded by love. He has threatened me but tried to hide it behind the guise as being a joke, which I have told him I don’t find any of those comments funny especially in light of the fact that he had already hit me once. I’m tired of the constant neglect and abandonment as all he wants to do lately is stay in the house and do nothing. He is very anti-social and his favorite phrase is “F people”. I have finally given up for the sake of my own sanity. I deserve better. While I understand that this is all normal for a bipolar person and I try to tell him he can have a normal life with treatment, I’m just plain tired. I can’t do it anymore. It breaks my heart because I still love him and have been praying continuously for God to heal his mind to the point he is willing to do the right thing, but I love me more. I have tried to leave before and always came back because everytime i would do that his manic symptoms would get out of control. It was my guilt that would bring me back and he would be good and attentive for a short period of time but then go right back to be that insane and insensitive jerk. Like I said I pray for him continuously and will always love him, but this I can no longer being a willing participant in unless he decides to get some help and sticks with it. So thank you for this post because it is definitely what I needed to hear.
Hello, Michele, Glad you found this thread and this site. You wrote:
“I try to tell him he can have a normal life with treatment, I’m just plain tired. I can’t do it anymore. It breaks my heart because I still love him and have been praying continuously for God to heal his mind to the point he is willing to do the right thing, ….
but I love me more.” Yep. We gotta take care of ourselves, when our loved ones won’t take care of THEMselves.
Your guy sounds a lot like one of my ex’s. I stayed with 9 terrible years. We had fun sometimes, playing card games and other indoor games. He was an alcoholic, and extremely, extremely verbally abusive. He drove away all my friends and moved me to an isolated place. (Both very typical of abusers.) I was afraid to leave him because I was afraid he’d commit suicide. But he found another woman soon after I left, and married her 6 months later. In my elder years, now. I look at our situation, and am sure he was cheating on me, but I never suspected! There were so many hints/signs/opportunities to cheat, but he covered himself well. He looked very, very sexy, had an amazing body — and never kissed me, one time not giving me any sex for a WHOLE YEAR. When I’d bring it up to him, he’d get very angry!
Now, I keep a mood chart, which goes on a scale from Minus 10 to Plus 9. My definitions of what each means are that Minus 9 is when a person has a definite suicidal plan and has set a date to do it. Minus 10 is when one is the act of committing suicide, or dead . Of course Minus 8 is a strong desire to die, and a lot of the other Minuses have that desire, as well. With him I lived most of my time at Minus 8 — for 9 years. Oh, well, he’s ancient history now. After two more bad and abusive marriages, I finally got my act together. For one thing, I “do not do” being yelled at. NOBODY is allowed to yell at me. NOT ONCE. Once, and I’m gone, and I never look back. I’m in a very good, companion relationship with a man I met four years ago on match.com. He has never yelled at me, nor I at him. Even my sister has stopped yelling at me on the phone. I told my partner, twice, “NEVER yell at me. If you ever do, I’m gone for good.” He says how sweet I am, quite often. He says he has no reason to yell at me, because I don’t push his buttons. He says his former girlfriend of 15 years (he finally broke up with her) pushed his buttons, and they fought a lot.
Karen hi u obviously a awesome woman , your sister maybe rejecting religion im polar and srry have no faith in it is it possible just saying in case ?take care
It is a relief to read this – that I am not the only one who has had to do this. I do feel bad for my sister, that her personality did a 180, and she no longer wants anything to do with us. I weep for her that she once had a beautiful life, and served God and loved her family more than anything. And that now she will not speak to any of us, except once a year at Christmas time (which is super uncomfortable because she is not herself anymore).
I weep for her children because they will never have the childhood that their mom had…before she was mentally ill. And that we never get to see them anymore, and that we don’t know what goes on in their house since we are not allowed there. I weep for our lost relationship. For the sister who once was like a mentor, who always was there to make the peace between me and another sibling, or call me at the exact moment I needed comforting. That is all gone. I don’t know who she is now. It’s like that old bodysnatchers movie, where someone else has taken over her. She was ripped out of our lives by mental illness (undiagnosed and untreated – but most likely schizophrenia), and we all feel helpless, not knowing what to do to help.
But you are right, there comes a time when you have to let go. We did that 6 years ago. It is not so easy, and you will grieve the sibling you lost, as if they have actually died. Which is strange, because they are still alive, but gone at the same time. So many emotions to deal with. And if you are like me, have anxiety and depression, it makes it even harder to stay positive.
I pray for all the families who have to deal with this, and are grieving, and confused and helpless.
Blessings,
Karen
Dear Jesper, I’m reading your through you post now. I am reading the whole post. . Yes, I am also very sad for you. I’ve had ex’s break away from me emotionally, which also hurts and I didn’t know why they did. Eventually I was the one who left, but they’d left me in spirit years before. So I kinda know what you’re going through. To me, though, it sound s like she has her own issues. Do/did you realize that? She pushes your buttons, don’t you think? “Spiteful”? Other things, too. You wrote: that you are now definatly avoiding arguing. I totally agree! I have a man companion — for four years now — who is the only man in my 73 years of life who I get along with. All other men — including my dad and brother — have yelled at me. (My dx is Bipolar 2.) My man claims he “has a temper,” which I have never fully experienced. He gets irrurated at times — something Ihe likes and I don’t, for example. Like maybe I don’t like a movie or book he likes. Very minor. And he gets irrutable if another driver cuts him off. But he stopped angrily honking at them, since I told him I felt endangered by this action since it could cause the other driver to retaliate. I told him my dad, when he was old, honked angrily at another driver. The other driver actually got out of his car, came over to my dad, reached in the window, and started choking my dad!!!! t He says that he doesn’t show his temper because I don’t “push his buttons.” He argued a lot with his previous girlfriend of 15 years. Then he finally broke up with her. He said she was constantly pushing his buttons. I have also twice told him “NEVER yell at me. If you do, I walk away and never look back.”
Natasha,
Via link-diving I came across this post. At first, I will admit it angered me. I was diagnosed with Dysthymia a couple of years ago, and only recently did I double check and was re-diagnosed with Cyclothemia. – which to some is “Bi-Polar lite” as it features the Hypomania and mood swings, but not severe enough to be diagnosed BP-I or BP-II. I have NEVER lost a job over this, never had financial issues (although I now recognize minor spending sprees that were driven by the Hypomania), I have maintained friendships with people for well over 20 years. My core issue was a heightened sensitivity to rejection, feelings of alienation and inadequacy as well as the over-inflated self-confidence that I now know comes with the Hypomania. The mood swings and what exactly was happening during those periods I was 100% clueless about. I simply felt that I was just fighting life-long low-level depression. Meds didn’t really aid much as I could get through things with time and therapy – once again, clueless of the Hypomania and it’s “hangoever” effects.
What angered me about your post is this – I just lost a very wonderful girl that I was engaged to for 10 months. We had recently moved in together and the onset of that move-in triggered vastly worsening mood-swings. The yelling increased, the length of arguments over seemingly no reason, feelings of rejection, inadequacy, etc. NEVER any violence however. Ever. We finally had our “breaking point” argument and we were unsure of where to go.
During that argument she made the comment to me that my temper had gotten worse ever since my therapist of 17 years had retired. While I was hurt by her words, I took them to heart and I talked with my family the next day. I asked them to confirm what my diagnosis was and to share what they thought about my symptoms. Until that day I DID NOT know I was dealing with a mood disorder and the Bi-Polar spectrum of traits (The Cyclothemia). Until then I had thought I was dealing with the Dysthymia and that I had been given the tools I needed to get through moments where I was more depressed and brooding than normal.
I sat down with my soon-to-be EX and told her what I had learned. I apologized for my actions and that I did not know what I was dealing with. I had never sought out to hurt her, to cause this rift in our relationship and that I was immediately seeking therapy, medication and educating myself on what I was putting her, my friends/family, and others through. I loved her very much.
She left anyway. She turned my recent diagnoses around on me as if I never cared enough to ask what I actually had (which I then showed her the confirmation from my therapist). She blamed my parents for not keeping me in therapy and curtly asked how could I have ever wanted kids with her if I would pass this on to them? She said she didn’t want to leave if I was going to start trying to get help, but did anyway.
I have been through break-ups before and one thing I’ve maintained, if someone leaves you it is their choice and you should respect it. You don’t hound them, call them, email/text, blow their phone up. There is hurt and it needs time to heal if you are going to be able to come back and be civil with one another. I responded to texts that were not confrontational. I reminded her that I loved her. I let her know if I went out of town and where I was going. I eventually chose to return to my previous apartment to be around my support group so I could heal myself and seek out help for my diagnosis (support groups and therapy).
She had stated that she wanted to remain friends, that she enjoyed my company and enjoyed doing things with me. We had season tickets to our local Perming Arts Theater, trips planned to see concerts and shows she and I liked. She said all of this while she was packing her stuff and leaving – saying that she didn’t even know if I would ever want to see her again. I dispelled that, told her of course I still wanted to see her. I made special care to keep a date we’d had set up for months the next day.
However, a week later, she slowed her contact. Decided to pull away and distance herself. The communication I did receive was curt and confrontational. Which I did not respond to, arguing now is exactly what I was attempting to avoid. She accused me of not wanting to talk, that she “gave me a place to live” (regardless of the fact that I was paying the rent and my name on the lease or that I had left and that she should have the apartment). She is upset if I don’t immediately respond to her, even though I have stated where I am/doing and have apologized that I’m trying to work things through. She is demanding that I do things and “deal with things” while completely disregarding anything that I might be going through.
Now, did she get to the point where she couldn’t take the bad moments any more? Yes. I acknowledge that my actions were to blame for her deciding to walk away from things. I understand completely that the words, actions, and things that happened in our arguments drove us apart. I’ve taken responsibility for that.
Yet, here is the issue. During our relationship she refused to be apart of things that made me who I was at a core level. Activities that I tried to include her in she excluded her self from. She wouldn’t take part in family gatherings and would then get upset when she felt like she wasn’t being engaged. She would often get upset at me about taking part in activities that we’d enjoyed but she had stopped to the point where I had to ask permission to do these activities and make sure it wouldn’t upset her. Then there was an incident a year ago where an old suitor came back into the picture. He was honest of his intentions to renew his affections for her and she proceeded to talk to him regularly, text him often and proceed with physical interaction of affectionate nature when he was around (often times while I was present). I stayed anyway as I loved her and just let a lot of this pass. It wasn’t until months later that my mood swings began to worsen and I started snapping.
So, what disturbed me is that she left because she couldn’t take my condition. But only after I had found out about it. After I had promised to undertake the steps needed to get myself help. She then proceeded to be hurtful and spiteful after the break, which was her choice. That she claimed that she needed to remove herself from an unhealthy situation – meaning me and the arguments.
What has upset me is that reading through these comments and the article, there are few comments from those that are suffering from this condition and those offering empathy to what they might be going through internally. When I would come out of the labile-irritable portion of the mania, or out of the Dysthymic portion of my Disphoric state, I would be exceedingly apologetic. I had no idea that what I was fighting with was not within my control. The symptoms can be managed, meds, therapy, etc, but they can’t ever be removed. You will slip in to those periods and when the fog clears you have to deal with the hurt that you’ve caused. That is heart-breaking. I do not ever wish harm on anyone and I am mortified when I cause it. I have taken steps to prevent it – I’ve even gone months without what I now know is a relapse but it does happen. Knowing now that this will always prove an obstacle for any type of long-term marital relationship is terrifying. Even communicating with the person you love and want to be with doesn’t mean they’ll understand it. I told my Ex what I was suffering from at the onset of our relationship and then again when it was re-diagnosed. I was open, honest, and straightforward with her. There’s not much else someone with these kinds of conditions can do at that point.
So while everyone deserves a happy, peaceful, loving life – don’t people that suffer from this do as well? Shouldn’t they be given the opportunity to be granted some understanding and, if are actively seeking aid, is being left going to help? If part of the triggers in these conditions – Borderline Personality Disorder, BPII, Cyclothemia and Dysthymia – is the fear of rejection, inadequacy and failure why reinforce those feelings when the person does begin to do what they can to heal.
I feel for those that put up with this for years, and I’m not saying stay in a physically/emotionally abusive relationship. It’s just that this article and the stories here seem to be very extreme cases and there’s very little middle ground.
Dear Jesper,
I love the post that Natasha wrote. I have been in only 3 relationships my whole life (that makes me sound old, I’m 34), most girls my age have been in at least 10 by the end of high school. Anyway, my first relationship was 6 years from 16 to 22, second relationship was 4 years from 26 to 30. The 3rd relationship I’m in and it’s been a year and a half so far. I am not BP, or have any mental diseases that you guys suffer from. But my Mother is BP, my first relationship was BP and the current relationship has BP. My Mother and First of 6yrs was BP1. My current partner has BP2. Seeing your comment made me feel for you. I am and have been on the side that seems to have broken your heart BUT those girls weren’t with it! My first relationship lasted so long because I loved them and was predisposed to being able to understand bipolar. They became abusive more and more as time went on, verbally and physically. I refused to give up though until they got on the correct medication and consistently went to their therapist to help. But when they succeeded in doing that…..it only took a year for them to stop medication and therapy and turned my life more upside down and theirs also. After 6 years of being behind my ex 100%, I had to make myself walk away. I walked away with a very broken heart from all the hurt, trust in no one from all the lying, poor credit from crashed cars and maxed out credit cards etc… my Mother is a different story. My current partner I am in love with. The BP doesn’t scare me and won’t. My partner has definitely gone through cycles of hypomanias which don’t seem as bad as manias, but they are trying times. I have been hurt many times already but the difference is my partner is trying, it’s slow going but I know they want to get better and I am here 100% yet again. So, I want to tell you that you just haven’t met the right girl yet! If you really are progressive with your disease then, the girl that comes along and shows her support and understanding will see you for who you really are and Love every part of you! But one thing I do want to say is that even though your forever apologetic after yelling, being unfair etc… it doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt the other person, sometimes it can be too hard to deal after a while.
Donna, Jesper, and all others who write on this useful and painful thread! And thanks Natasha, for posting this important topic.
I agree with your comforting words to Jesper, Donna. I can relate to both of you. I myself finally got dx’d as Bipolar 2, at age 53, after a lifetime of mood swings. I remember being severely depressed, at 3 years of age. I have been married 3 1/2 times. (The 1/2 marriage was to a man I knew was dying. I was breaking up with him, for his verbal abuse, but when he got cancer and hospice, I didn’t have the heart to break up at that point. I only married him because I figured I would have more authority to talk to his medical professionals. (Due to my being “out” in those days, about my bipolar dx, it didn’t work out that way at all! I was treated very badly now only by his family members, but they influenced the medical people to all turn against me, saying I was “incompetent” because of being bipolar. That was a huge misrepresentation, as I had been taking care of him, and helping him very, very successfully with his health problems for over 2 years! That’s another story, but the end result is that now, I only tell my closest friends about my dx. I “pass” for “normal” very successfully!) So, Donna is not bipolar, Jesper is. Both of you have been severely impacted and hurt by this illness. I had it both ways at the same time. I think at least two of my husbands were bipolar. Each of them left me first EMOTIONALLY, not physically. For years I supported them, both emotionally, and one even financially! They were both verbally abusive, but so was I. One hit me a number of times. But I set that in motion by hitting him first, when he was being extreme in his verbal abuse. I physically left them both. My grief was overwhelming, for months and years after each divorce. But it has a happy ending anyway! Now, I’ve been in a good “companion” relationship for 4 years. My boyfriend and I are the same age: 73. He is the ONLY man EVER in my life who has not been verbally and emotionally abusive to me. Even my dad and brother have been. My brother only once or twice, but once accused me of “breaking up the family.” I have not fully trusted him, since. He also has an emotionally abusive wife — to my brother’s family members. That sure does not help me trust my brother. I had one or two “bosses” at work who were good to me, that that, too, was unusual. My boyfriend and I have many things in common. He loves music; I’m a musician. He’s a professional artist; I’m an amateur artist. We love well written, interesting history books, and both love to read. We take nature walks, and draw together in the woods. We read aloud to each other sometimes. We have very similar taste in movies, and love videos. We are both political activists, and agree on almost every thing politically. This is extremely important part of our relationship, for both of us. I have told him twice: “NEVER, EVER yell at me. If you do, I will walk away, and never look back!” He never has, and tells me “I see no reason to ever yell at you. You don’t push my buttons.” His former — now deceased — girlfriend pushed his buttons all the time, and they fought. He finally broke up with her after 15 years, most of which time they lived together. I think another reason he and I get along so well is that we don not live together. I need my space, alone time, times when I’m depressed and withdraw from any human contact, and am very territorial about my living space. We see each other for several hours, one or two days a week. We talk for about 30-45 minutes daily,. We catch up on each of our day that day, and discuss politics, the news, and actions we take. We love each other, but it’s not anything like the love addiction I had in the past. It’s comfortable, and we both know that we will never leave each other. I cannot make another “promise for life,” but feel in my heart and mind that this man is very good for me, is a good man, and I love him very much. Probably neither of you will design a relationship in exactly the same way we do. But know that each couple has the freedom to create whatever “format” or type of existence you want and need. Think about it….do you want to live together or not? How about next door, or in the same apartment building, or a few blocks or miles away? Do you like the same foods? (We sorta do…some things. And we like to eat out — mostly Thai and Mexican food, which we both love. He tends to eat frozen TV dinners, and I eat my own healthy food concoctions. Same ones almost every day, although in the past I was a great cook. No more.) Most important of all, what activities can you share, that interest you both? Can you accept less-than-perfect in a partner? If there’s a real thing that bugs you way too much, can the two of you work that out? We had one issue that took us 3 years to resolve, but resolve it, we did. It was very hard for both of us. Best wishes to both of you, Donna and Jesper.
I meant to finish that…. I wanted to tell you that, if there isn’t more to the “angry moments” then your GF pushing your buttons or them just being un-supportive bad GF’s…maybe trying to practice mindfulness will help! Many therapists can help with that and there are tons of books also! Sorry about my first comment I wasn’t able to proof read it before accidently sent it. Good luck. I HOPE this helped ?
Jesper – I had to double take as I thought my ex fiancé wrote this post as the events, symptoms and reactions are near identical.
I never wanted to give up on him – but after months of arguing over nothing, I moved out (to give us space). He didn’t call thereafter, despite me reaching out, so believed I’d been dealing with a narcissist borderline personality disorder (as after a couple of general texts), he ceased communication.
Your post has thrown me… maybe he too had been incorrectly diagnosed (the therapists had said, he wasn’t ‘fully bipolar but maybe GAD and PTSD’)
The feelings of insecurities/ inadequacy/ anxiety/rejection did surface, whilst feeling superior at other times. His emotional response after an argument was sometimes remorseful, but during an argument there would be no empathy. A vicious cycle created by his own insecurity which ultimately led to us parting – which was the one thing he was extremely insecure about. I could not have been more understanding and supportive together with his support network.
He finally left a vmail 2 weeks ago (after 8 weeks of no contact) – asking how I was. I hadn’t responded until after reading this but I’ve heard nothing since…. So I’m back to square 1.
Is there merit in contacting his therapist referencing ‘Cyclothemia’ – as I cannot determine whether it’s GAD, a borderline personality disorder or now cyclothemia!
Your ex fiancé may have felt like I did confused, hurt, unloved, demoralised, deprioritised, due to the constant arguments over nothing. Although that wouldn’t excuse any ex suitor turning up and you having to put up with that in any relationship.
I find it very sad that a family member could turn their back on a loved one with a mental illness. Establish boundaries, give yourself distance, and never give up.
Leeann,
I am going through this right now. My ex girlfriend is a cluster b. She was very emotionally abusive. She left me, but she doesnt know about her challenges. I have been working to communicate effectively with her for the past many months. She blames and rages at me for everything. I have encouraged counseling WITH ME to work through the issues. She has continued to rage and be mean. I do care a lot about her, but I cannot continue with the abuse. I had to cut off contact. The offer for the counseling with me is still there, however; to move on with my life I cannot hope that she will see the light. It keeps me from moving forward. If I cannot move forward, I hurt myself and my 2 children that still care for her. But they need me to be a healthy father as I have them full time.
My heart and soul doesnt give up. My body and mind have to.
Natasha, I commend you for writing about if someone is appalled by the idea of leaving someone with mental illness. I can only laugh at some of the enraged comments to you about this! Let them read again your comment: No more martyrs needed.
“To those appalled I say this: be abused by an individual for years at a time. Have him hit you. Have him steal from you. Have him vandalize your home. Have him refuse treatment. Have him call the cops on you. Have him get addicted to drugs. Have him rage at you when they see you. Have him endanger your children.
“Only then can you start to judge the people who have lived this reality daily. Only then can you understand what it’s like to truly need to protect yourself from another human being.”
So you just fucking leave them hanging? Each person struggling with mental illness shouldn’t feel as if nobody deserves them. People who block contact or leave relationships with a mentally ill person are weak and usually dominated by fear. They certainly won’t be good enough and EVERYONE has a right for happiness and safety.
If they’re not in it to support and NEVER give up on the person they know they love and want why in the fuck are they still in that relationship anw?
Rather than re-post the comment about this I made on May 13, 2015, I will just refer interested readers to scroll down to it in this same thread.
It is a mistake, and more so a false accusation, to say that those who leave their Bipolar loved ones are weak, dominated by fear, or somehow are lacking in “enough” love for them. It is also a mistake to underestimate the depth, variety, and severe consequences of different kinds of pain that those with Bipolar can and do inflict on their loved ones on a regular basis – mental, emotional, physical, financial, and more. And we put up with it, try to rationalize it away, and endure it – in many cases for years – because we love them. In retrospect, we see that we put up with it all longer than we should have, before finally coming to the difficult decision that we have no other choice but to end the relationship.
This is not placing blame on the Bipolar individual, because they may in fact be unable to control their own emotions and words and actions which wreak so much havoc on relationships and cause so much pain to their loved ones. Everyone involved is a victim, and there are no “winners” when these relationships come to an end. It is a sad but in many if not most cases, an unavoidable result of the relationship-destroying effects of Bipolar. There are reasons why 90% of marriages where one spouse is Bipolar end in divorce, and to try to explain away that sobering statistic to a “lack of love”, weakness, or fear reflects a “blame the victim” mentality which is simply wrong and does not acknowledge the love, suffering, and sacrifices made under very difficult circumstances for a very long time before the relationship finally came to an end.
Hi Bob, I’m glad you had the courage to directly address the few hate-filled messages that people have posted here. I have a website myself, about an event in my life and many others, that was tragic difficult, and controversial subject I’d rather not identify here. After 2 years of being in the internet, and on search engines, there were no Comments till just today! I received a hate-filled, enraged comment accusing me of being psychotic and calling me a lot of other names. Fortunately for me, that particular blog program –wordpress — allows me to Moderate, and I deleted the comment. I’m notified via email prior to any comment being published on my blog. It never will show up on my site. But it shocked me, because I have my own self-condemnation about my role in the event. However, as I said, literally millions of other people have found themselves in the same situation, and each one had a difficult choice to make.
Hi Synergy –
I am sorry you had to go through such a difficult situation. Sometimes we find ourselves in tough situations, whether because of someone else, ourselves, an accident, random chance, or some combination of all the above. If we have a conscience, it can be all too easy to beat ourselves up too much for any part we may have played – or think we may have played – in whatever happened. Some people do that too much and it becomes counterproductive. If we did contribute to the situation in any way, it is best to learn from the experience and move on. Self-flagellation does nobody any good.
Personally, I have found it very helpful to not try to please everyone (which is impossible anyway) but to keep the primary focus between me and God. He knows all the details of everything, He knows our motivations, our strengths, our weaknesses. There is no point trying to hide anything from Him, and certainly no point in trying to not be totally honest and open with Him… and that can be very liberating. He loves us more than we can imagine and He is quick to forgive. Quicker than we are even to forgive ourselves!
You are wise to not pay attention to the haters and the critics. Especially on the Internet! It seems like the anonymity offered brings out the worst in a lot of people.
Dear Bob, thank you so much for your new message. Yes, my boyfriend agrees with you about not trying to please everyone. He tells me that, too. I want everyone — everyone — to like me, or at least appreciate me. Most people do, but when somebody is rude or harsh with me, I tend to take it real hard. I was really upset yesterday dafter receiving the hate comment about my blog site. But by now I have forgotten all about it, thank heavens. Bob, you are such a sweetie pie! You’re such a nice person!
I think this is absurd! My family does tell me I need help. They try to label me with BPD. Well I’m a single working Mother having to take care of my child 100% on my own and none of them even live within 6 hours of me! I cannot move because if I do, I might sacrifice time with my daughter. I cannot even say I have BPD because my child’s father will try to take her from me! I am a great Mother and do everything for my child. My family leaving me would be absurd. They tell me I need help but I can’t afford to get help and dont have the time! So you telling families to just leave is flat out absurd. I hope all of your loved ones leave you! Then maybe you might know how it feels!
Wow MassConfusion149!! Why are you so angry about this subject?? You obviously only see and UNDERSTAND 1 side of this topic….your side! All the reasons your giving to not get help are actually excuses. Even when you write “I cannot even say I have BPD, because my child’s father will try and take her from me” is an excuse.
Hello Donna and MassConfusion, Donna, you are usually so kind and understanding. This time, it seems like you’ve had your buttons pushed, and this current message is a bit harsh, despite MassConfusion’s angry tone. I can understand some of MassConfusions points. That, for example, she cannot afford therapy or probably even a psychiatrist . Wow! This is a BIGGIE. I was like that for many years, until I got Disability, Medicare, and Medicaid. Now I can. But for decades before that, I could not afford help, so didn’t get help. One time I was so desperate that I even tried to check myself into the state hospital! But they wanted to take away my house before I could “qualify” financially to get care there. The other point MassConfusion makes is not wanting to “out” herself with her ex. She’s afraid he’ll take away her child. Very possible, and that would be tragic for her. But MassConfusion, it’s a tough one considering the subject of this thread, whether to leave someone with mental illness. This means, to me, untreated mental illness in which the person with Bipolar Disorder is being verbally or otherwise abusive to family and friends. I myself recently left a friend of three years, behind. I’ll call her “A.” She was calling me way, way too often, and emailing me, too. Finally, I wrote back and asked if we could please take turns calling and emailing. She wrote that she understood. The next time I saw her was at the senior lunch dining room, where I’d invited h er to share a sandwich with mouthed two people in our yoga class who were trying to be friendly with her,.. One of them she’d been friends with, the other was our incredibly great teacher. When she and I got to the dining room, she yelled at me: “I will NEVER, EVER call you or email you again!!!! ” I simply stood up, said, “Bye, A.” and walked away. She followed me around the dining room screaming at me. I almost had to leave the dining room, but I finally found a seat and she left. I say this only to illustrate the sort of abuse I personally would not accept. I never, ever, allow ANYONE to yell at me. Not anymore — I’ve been yelled at my whole life, till the last few years, and putting up with yelling is not something I “do” anymore. So MassConfusion, I understand that you are in a very tough situation.
Synergy, thank you a million times for your gentle response! I truly am a very understanding, non- judgemental, sympathetic and empathetic person with a rare ability to put myself in someone else’s shoes and see their side of things (99.9% of The time). When you said that MassConsusion must have “pushed some buttons”, (I know you didn’t mean it badly), I immediately started analyzing what she wrote that made me respond out of character. It actually was some pretty deep stuff I ended up thinking about, things that I thought were already resolved. I’m not going to get into detail, but it was about my mother and her mental illness (BP1), my ex of 6 years (BP1) and my current partner (BP2). My mother and Ex had a lot of excuses and lies, damaging ones. My current partner actually IS going through a nasty custody battle. He is using her mental illness for the ammo ( there is way more to it). I have A LOT of unresolved anger towards her Ex because of it and the unnecessary strain it’s put on the child and us. Anyway, I guess it was a sensitive spot because of all the subjects she touched on that had caused me pain. So thank you Synergy for recognizing my bias comment to MassConfusion……..Cont’d ?
Hi again, Donna. You are a very, very sweet person! Your Thanks for my response to you and MassConfusion. I just re-read the four posts,, iher first one, then your own, then mine, and ncluding your one today. She’s in a very tough situation.
last week my husband was admitted to a mental health facility for depression and psychosis. he lost job 3 months ago and sabotaged all the job offers he got by not showing up for interview and even quitting a great job in 3 days after getting hired. He would not go to his PCP and get help for his depression till it spiraled so much out of control we had to call cops twice in 4 hrs. make 2 ER visits and in the second ER visit he was violent so he was transferred to a mental health facility.
in there also he is faking it and keeps pretending he is getting better and wants to come home because of me and my child. but I can’t have him home and continue to work. fortunately he had a psychotic episode yesterday and I think his stay will be extended.
my dilemma—–where do I go from here. he has been a brooder for all his life but since he had a job all those times he would shake it off and live a semi normal life. my instinct is to save my daughter and myself—–just do not know how to proceed. I would like to divorce him, but then what about medical coverage. can he be on disability and have Medicaid. please help. I can’t do it anymore , I have lived thru his depression all my life where he just shuts himself and ignores me, but he functioned. now he can’t even function and is becoming a big liability. I am scared to leave him and go to work for the fear what he will do. His family do not want to be involved ( do not blame them) .
Mimi, that sounds so difficult, I am sorry for what you are going through.
One thing I have learned from reading these comments, is that everyone’s situation is different. I can’t even give you an opinion, except to say that none of us can do this alone. You might try to get some counseling yourself, or at the very least, confide fully in a trusted friend.
It has been extremely difficult for me to be honest with people around me because I don’t want them to judge my partner.
As the situation becomes worse, though, I can see that I need to save myself, or we will all go down with the ship. That doesn’t necessarily mean ending the relationship, although it could. It means reaching out for the help that I’ve needed all along.
Good luck to you my friend.
thanks a lot for the advice, I am going to a therapist for my sanity.
mimi wrote, and I reply IN ALL CAPS for distinguishing what I write, since I can’t do bold or underline in this forum, at least I don’t think so.
ast week my husband was admitted to a mental health facility for depression and psychosis. he lost job 3 months ago and sabotaged all the job offers he got by not showing up for interview and even quitting a great job in 3 days after getting hired. He would not go to his PCP and get help for his depression till it spiraled so much out of control we had to call cops twice in 4 hrs. make 2 ER visits and in the second ER visit he was violent so he was transferred to a mental health facility.
in there also he is faking it and keeps pretending he is getting better and wants to come home because of me and my child. but I can’t have him home and continue to work. fortunately he had a psychotic episode yesterday and I think his stay will be extended.
my dilemma—–where do I go from here. he has been a brooder for all his life but since he had a job all those times he would shake it off and live a semi normal life. my instinct is to save my daughter and myself—–just do not know how to proceed. AS I RECOMMENDED SOMEWHERE ON THIS FORUM, THERE IS A GOOD BOOK BY GINNY NiCARTHY CALLED “GETTING FREE.” THIS BOOK HELPED ME SO MUCH, TO BREAK AWAY FROM AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP OVER 20 YEARS AGO. I would like to divorce him, but then what about medical coverage. can he be on disability and have Medicaid. IT’S POSSIBLE HE COULD GET SOCIAL SECURITY DISABILITY — I’M ASSUMING YOUR LIVE IN THE UNITED STATES? I DON’T KNOW ABOUT OTHER COUNTRIES, HOW THEY HANDLE THEIR MEDICAL DISABILITY. ONE THINGS YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND MUST TO IS, KEEP A HUGE PORTFOLIO OF MEDICAL OPINIONS — FROM HIS DOCTORS, PSYCHIATRISTS, THERAPIST/S. ALSO, SEE IF YOU CAN GET HIM INTO VOCATIONAL REHABILITATION. THAT’S A FEDERAL PROGRAM ADMINISTERED BY EACH OF THE STATES — SO CHECK OUT YOUR STATE’S AND LOCAL VOCATIONAL REHABILITATION OFFICE. I HOPE THERE’S ONE WHERE YOU LIVE. I FEEL SURE IF YOU LIVE IN A CITY, NOT A HIGHLY RURAL AREA, THERE WILL BE ONE. VOCATIONAL REHABILITATION GOES BY SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT NAMES IN DIFFERENT STATES. CHECK YOUR LOCAL HELP LINE, OR ASK A THERAPIST OR A DOCTOR HOW TO CALL IT. THERE ARE SEVERAL ADVANTAGED TO GETTING VOCATIONAL REHAB. ONE IS, MAYBE THEY COULD FIND WORK H E CAN DO. THE OTHER IS, IF HE IS ABSOLUTELY NOT ABLE TO WORK (WHICH WAS MY OWN CASE, IN VOC REHAB, NAMELY THEY’D GET ME A JOB AND I WOULD CALL MY WORKER AT NOON IN HYSTERICAL CRYING AND FEARFULNESS) THEN THE VOC REHAB WORKER WOULD, IN ADDITION TO HIS OTHER PROFESSIONALS, BE ABLE TO STATE IN HIS FILE THAT HE’S NOT EMPLOYABLE. I THINK THE TERM IS “UNABLE TO HOLD VALID EMPLOYMENT” OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. IN HIS CONDITION IT’S POSSIBLE HE MIGHT GET DISABILITY FAIRLY SOON. HARD TO SAY, BECAUSE DISABILITY INSURANCE IS GETTING MORE DIFFICULT TO GET. BUT PEOPLE WHO HAVE DRASTIC CIRCUMSTANCES OFTEN GET IT PRETTY FAST. — IN A FEW MONTHS, NOT A FEW YEARS. IT TOOK ME TWO AND HALF YEARS TO GET, BUT MY CASE WAS NOT DRASTIC LIKE YOUR HUSBANDS’ IS. I NEVER WAS PSYCHOTIC, NEVER HOSPITALIZED EITHER VOLUNTARILY OR INVOLUNTARILY. please help. I can’t do it anymore , I have lived thru his depression all my life where he just shuts himself and ignores me, BEING IGNORED IS CALLED “NEGLECT” AND IS A FORM OF ABUSE. IF HE IGNORES YOUR DAUGHTER, TOO, HE’S DOING CHILD ABUSE; AT THE VERY “LEAST” HE’S DOING SPOUSAL ABUSE BY IGNORING YOU. but he functioned. now he can’t even function and is becoming a big liability. I am scared to leave him and go to work for the fear what he will do. YOU DEFINITELY NEED TO TELL HIS DOCTORS ABOUT YOUR FEARS FOR YOUR AND YOUR DAUGHTER’S SAFETY. THIS, TOO, WOULD GO INTO HIS FILE AND H ELP HIM GET DISABILITY. His family do not want to be involved ( do not blame them) . YOU COULD ALSO POINT THIS OUT TO THE DOCTORS.
thanks a lot for all the advice and help. I live in US and will follow your advice and see if he can be on disability and that way I do not feel guilty.
mimi, also, a few minutes ago, I posted information about a PBS program about how to get the most out of Social Security and Disability Insurance. Did you get it….maybe it’s being moderated for approval still…
PBS News coming: “Tricks and Tips for Getting the Most from Social Security”
http://www.pbs.org/newshour/making-sense/know-social-security-disability-benefits/?utm_source=bestofnewsletter&utm_medium=email&utm_content=Best_of_October-15_Control&utm_campaign=newshour
mimi, this looks really good, for your husband’s welfare (and you’re peace of mind).
Hi Mimi, I have been a bi-polar magnet. For whatever reason in my life I attract people with bpd. One relationship when I was in my twenties tried to kill me when he cut my throat. He finally succeeded in committing suicide when I was 33. At the time I had a son and was just living for one year with another bpd relationship that lasted 13 plus years. I had a son with him and during our time together had to commit him no less then 7-8 times. He would sometimes get better with meds but the one thing that helped the most was a semi -vegetarian diet and no coffee or stimulants. He would get severely manic and think all these crazy things were real and I will tell you it is draining emotionally and physically. When we split up it took a good 2 years for him to stop bothering me and I tried to be patient and would still let him see the kids even though I did not have to.He still to this day starts calling me and gets angry as if it is my fault even though I have not spoken to him. 15 calls in one night. And endless messages- then I won’t hear from him for weeks – months. I have even let him stay here after I bought a house for about 6 months or so and also had his cats for 1 1/2 years until I found him an apartment. But through all this he does not appreciate or it is fleeting and then I get the bombardment with angry messages so mostly I avoid him and am now done. I am getting to old to go through this anymore 57 and have had enough. The one thing I wished I had done when he left in 1997 was never to let him back in! I got my life together and raised those 2 boys pretty much by myself . I have no siblings and my parents both died before I was 30. So it can be done- I did get some help from welfare- housing but on the flip side no one would enforce the child support from either dad. I house cleaned then and cooked Macrobiotic food for people . And to this day still house clean – fix stuff – pet sit- landscape whatever to make money. I never got married although I highly recommend if you meet the right person because being a single mother is hard but it is worse with a Bi-polar father whom just brought me down no matter how much I helped him. Oh and my kids have their issues but no substance abuse and the younger one is almost done college as a chemical engineer major. The older one works with me! Good luck with whatever you do – I just wanted to give you some hope and see the other side. Good friends also are helpful!
Dear Kathy, I believe I was married, sequentially of course, to two men I believe had bipolar disorder. The first one (second marriage) was an alcoholic with rage tendencies who could not overcome huge spending expenses, and even borrowed against his paycheck. Maybe he wasn’t bipolar, but he did tell me that one time he was complaining to a dean at a university he went to, and the dean suggested he get mental help. Of course, my ex- totally scoffed at t hat, and how ridiculous it was of the dean. The second one (third husband) had been hospitalized before he met me for raving mania. and given lithium. I think he was unipolar manic, a dx that used to be in the DSM but no longer is. Well, that guy was a natural comedian, and very charming and charismatic. He kept calling me after we broke up. But before I agreed to mail off the do-it-yourself-divorce papers, I made him sign before a notary that he’d pay my COBRA (health insurance through his employer) expenses. For two months after the divorce, he did pay. Then, he quit his job, so I had to pay for my own COBRA, to the tune of about $3,000 (total over 3 years). After the divorce, when he’d call me, at first I was glad to hear from him. He’d make me laugh so hard!! Geez, he was funny! Then, he’d be real nice on the phone for a few moments — but every time he’d call, I’d end up in tears! He pushed all my buttons and became verbally abusive in his special ways. I finally figured how to get rid of him for good. One time when he called, I said,” Don’t call me again until you are ready to pay the $3,000 your owe me. Two or three times after that, he’d call, and I’d answer the phone. Since I had Caller ID, I knew it was him. I opened not with “Hello!,,” but with an enthusiastic, “Yay! You’ve tog my $3,000 now!!!” If he didn’t I’d just hang up on him. This occurred three times, and that was the end of him! There’s also a book, which I haven’t read yet, but sounds really good — it’s called “The No Contact Rule.” I am already very good at that myself, but perhaps it would help you.
Thank you I will look that up. I have blocked his messages!
Good idea, mimi! It’s possible to block email, and also do Call Blocking on your phone, so whenever he calls, it will not go through. I told one boyfriend who kept bugging me and scared me: “Do not contact me again. If you call me, I will not answer the phone, if you come to the door, I will not answer, if you write me letters, I will throw them away without reading them. ” Needless to say, he went away with no more fuss. In your case, though, I’d say you don’t need to tell him anything verbally or any other way, at least not at this point. “Just do it,” and he’ll eventually realize that “No message is a message.” If he has threatened you, you can get a Stalking Order from the court. Maybe you can, even if he doesn’t threaten you, if he continues to bug you and try to contact you. I suspect some judges are better at giving stalking orders than others.
Thanks a lot for all the advice. have a lot to do to take care of myself, very difficult road ahead, thanks for the support.
Our oldest two sons are schizophrenics. They were both the cute blond boys in footed pj’s. The oldest son has always showed signs of being ill and we sacrificed all we had and all our family focus was spotlighted on him. He is 45 and still expecting the same while doing nothing to help himself . He has found women that enable him to drug, drink and abuse them. He ran away the first time at 15, trafficked drugs, stole from us and our neighbors. We rehabbed until we had no more insurance . His shrinks have told us he is the most manipulative they ever dealt with and put him out on the street as in the 80’s Tough Love idea..we couldn’t keep him home anyway so it was a moot point. I am finally able to quit after reading your article. We will find a small bit of peace and happiness with the shopping days we have left ! Thank-you..The second son? He lives with us on full disability..cannot function on his own or remember to even shower or eat or turn off a stove. He is on handfulls of meds but enjoys the pets, a sunset and the family that loves him.
That’s great that this article has helped you “Just Say No.” I’m glad your other son is loved . I have two resources that also may help. One is the book “Getting Free” by Ginny NiCarthy. I forget her first name. It helped me lave an abusive husband, and while it’s about intimate partners primarily, the tactics would work for you, too, no doubt about it. The other one is a movie called “Best Boy.” It’s a documentary made by Ira Wold about his adult cousin who has schizophrenia. The theme of the movie is about Wold’s cousin who, like your son, is loved by and lives with his parents. The movie films the entire process of finding a foster home for the man because, he would not be able to care for himself once the parents die. Very insightful and moving. And, as a result of seeing this movie, my parents went across the country to visit my cousin, Harry, and his father (Mother’s brother). Harry has some form of autism, and like Ira Wold’s cousin, would not have been able to care for himself when my uncle would pass away. My mother worked together with Harry, helped him buy some new clothes and look after he hygiene, and helped him get a volunteer job. Later on, he actually got a paid job at the library shelving books. He LOVES his job. He’s also connected with his maternal aunt in the city where he lives. And he has friends at the library. You may wish to use both resources for help with your two sons’ — and your own — lives.
Here’s my take on whether to leave someone with mental illness of whatever kind — bipolar, schizophrenia, paranoid personality disorder, depression, or anything else. If the person is taking care of themselves in every way possible — medication for sure; patience in determining if the medication is effective and trial and error if it stops working, etc; also regular psychotherapy with a GOOD and EFFECTIVE psychotherapist; learning life management skills and communication skills; nutritious food habits; finding a passion such as doing something creative like art or crafts , needlework of some kind; working jigsaw puzzles, crossword puzzles, calligraphy, dance, engaging in a sport, hiking, orienteering, writing, or whatever one loves to do. It might help to try to remember what really turned you on when you were a small child, and do that! I expect my friends to take care of their own health and needs. I do not expect them to yell at me, accuse me of things I have never done; or tell me how great they are at sewing or something and then NEVER DO whatever it is they claim to be good at. I have several friends who have mental illnesses who do take care of themselves in the ways I mention. I have had friends, for several years, who I have said goodbye to. Those people have not treated me well, despite my patience and caring for them. They exhibit the behaviors I listed that I won’t put up with. Is this cruel? Am I cold-hearted? I don’t’ think so.
I think this article is shocking and disgusting to be honest. I agree with the comments your portraying everyone with mental illness is a darkened light and this is very ignorant and pathetic. I am someone with Bipolar and I am noway the what they is being described and everyone has different levels of bipolar. I think you clearly do not understand Bipolar nor are you a psychologist so i think you should go do some research before you write such negativity about people who have in some circumstances an uncontrollable illness. Many of the more extremely ill sufferers who have psychosis are not aware of their actions that is often why they are hospitalised. You seen very undereducated I am no way angry but more express feelings of pity for people that have time to vent such hatred.
There is nothing hateful or ignorant about Natasha or any of these other people. We have feelings, too. I have been around bipolar sufferers all my life. Yes, each is different in many ways, but I have also noticed some behaviors common to each of these bipolar people. These traits can be very, very difficult to endure from day to day over the long term. It can affect one’s mental health to live with a bipolar person who is apt to blow up at any moment for any or no reason. It is like living on a roller coaster that never ends. Bipolar a need understanding and sympathy. But so do we!
Bob wrote: “As one last step before that, I wonder if you moving out for a while would help him realize the seriousness of the situation. He still may not be able to control his anger, etc. but it may be worth a try. And if you do, let him know this is his last chance because his anger etc. is destroying you, and you will need to leave for good in order to protect your own mental and emotional and physical health. ”
Another possible solution — if you can support yourself? — is to live in SEPARATE HOMES IN SEPARATE NEIGHBORHOODS. That’s what my boyfriend and I do. That’s IF you don’t crave living in the same house with another person/partner. Of course, you probably want to live with your kids. I’ve never satisfactorily lived with a partner, and in fact, not with a college rooommate, either. My husbands and I got on very well untill we started living together, and until we married. Once we did these two things, everything went to h**l
Hi Beverly –
Synergy’s suggestion could be a very good solution. It is “out of the box” thinking, and yes it is unorthodox and unconventional, but Bipolar is also a very unorthodox and unconventional illness.
As Synergy said, it does require you to be able to somehow afford it financially, and also that you can adapt to living in separate places. Kind of like the days when you were dating each other. Could be a very good thing if you can do it.
… and if it leads to him improving his behavior, angry words, etc. to a level that you can deal with. If it doesn’t lead to that, at least you gave him one more chance. Of course this is assuming you can afford two different places to live, which may or may not be realistic. If you can swing that, it’s probably worth a try given how long you two have been together and that he treats you well 75% of the time. If that 75% can be upped to a more acceptable level (and only you can determine what that is) by living in separate places, that could be a very good thing. And btw… if you can’t afford that, or if you try it and it doesn’t work and you do need to leave him, DON’T feel guilty about it… you have put up with so much for so long, there is no reason at all to allow false guilt to add to the pain if you need to end the relationship. Good luck Beverly.
Thank you, Synergy, for your reply. I have literally been sitting here in front of my computer hoping that someone would respond. I appreciate your point of view.
My husband is on meds but I am not sure if he is taking enough of them. He’s also had TONS of therapy. He takes Lithium but maybe some other meds might help him more? I just don’t know.
Also, I am terribly afraid that if I leave him, Social Services might take away his son. (He is not abusive towards son at all, in fact treats him like gold) But I’m afraid they might assume his “abusiveness” extends to the son as well.
I appreciate your kind and thoughtful reply. I will think about contacting NAMI…I’ve heard of them.
Dear Beverly! That’s great that your husband has already crossed the first threshold, namely, that he is willing to take meds. Here’ are some basic facts: Lithium over the long term can destroy your kidneys! I have a bipolar friend who that happened to. She’s trying to get a kidney transplant. Has to eat very limited diet and can’t even drink many liquids. I suspect that she will not be able to get a transplant; but anyway, older people — at least I have read this — don’t accept (if that’s the right word) the transplant. It won’t grow there, or whatever I’m trying to say.
Also! From time to time bipolar meds FAIL. They have to be replaced by some other med,or med combination. I take two bipolar meds. Sometimes a rx is for an antidepressant and a mood leveler at the same time. Some really new meds word great for me. Unfortunately called “antipsychotics” the name can be off-putting. But they can be for any bipolar person regardless if they are NOT psychotic . We need to monitor our moods at all times, and if we feel like we are what’s called “decompensating” that my mean we need a change of med.
My brother has clinical depression, and has at least some of the symptoms you wrote about. His wife told him years ago that if he didn’t get meds, she would leave him. Well, he loves his wife, so he takes the meds. Said “I should have had these meds when I was ten years old!” He feels so much better!
Thank you so much for this blog. I don’t even know where to start. I have been with my husband for almost 20 years – dated for 4, married for 16. My husband told me he was bipolar before we were married. I didn’t think much of it – after all, I had a bipolar aunt who was sweet and kind. How bad could it be?
I am now at the point where I can’t take any more. He is a sweet, kind, loving man 75% of the time. It’s the other 25% that is making my life hell. He sometimes flies into rages and throws things (he has never hit me). He screams, yellls, curses, and tells me to get the fff out of the house. All this over some tiny perceived mistake on my part. He is highly intelligent and can talk circles around me. I can’t talk to him when he is like this because he is always right.
Now he is getting into verbal fights with complete strangers. I am really afraid he might get beaten up or shot someday. His temper expolodes for no reason.
Here is the sad part: we are both older, he is 62 and in poor health. We have a handicapped son (his from a previous marriage) who lives with us. If I left him, I don’t know if he would be able to care for himself and son. I do all the paperwork for everything…he wouldn’t know how to do it. I have almost no friends or family left to help me.
Also, in spite of everything, this man truly does love me and is faithful to me, which would make leaving even harder. I am almost 57 years old and have no idea what to do at this point. I can’t take his behavior any more, but I cannot just leave him to be on his own. I’m stuck.
Dear Beverly, I truly am sorry to hear about your — and your family’s — terrible pain. I was once married to a guy who would order me out of the house for no reason, when he was manic,. But I was the main problem in my own life. Here’s how I was, like you describe your husband: ” He is a sweet, kind, loving [me] 75% of the time. It’s the other 25% that is making my life hell….sometimes flies into rages and throws things (he has never hit me). He screams, yellls, curses, [and I threw things and broke them. I didn’t throw AT anyone. Once I threw the telephone across the street when it rang too many times, and once I threw my husband’s favorite hand made pottery bowl on the kitchen floor and smashed it. It damaged the vinyl on our brand new floor. etc etc] I don’t think I ordered a husband out of the house, but not sure.] All this over some tiny perceived mistake on my part. “]He is highly intelligent and can talk circles around me. I can’t talk to him when he is like this because he is always right.” I’m highly intelligent, a gifted teacher, BUT when I got upset I am now convinced that I didn’t make any sense at all. My h. used to say, “I can’t understand what you are saying.” I’d say, “I’m very articulate — I’m paid to be clear in what I say!!!!” I figured out I was inarticulate when enraged,t because that’s how my sister gets when we have argued. There is no point at all in talking with her when she’s ranting, because she makes no sense.
Now he is getting into verbal fights with complete strangers. I am really afraid he might get beaten up or shot someday. His temper explodes for no reason. I sure don’t know what to say about getting away, and the problem of the son. Just to share, though: I was like this before meds and therapy. I wonder if your husband would consider meds/therapy? They sure work for me! My ex said to me, which propelled me into treatment: ” [Synergy] you think of yourself as a loving, kind person, am I right?” And I said, “yes.” He said, “If you knew how your actions impact other people, you might consider medication.” It took me a couple of years, but I finally did get help! Part of my problem was that for decades, I was never able to find competent therapists or psychiatrists. Do you have good mental health services where you live? I hope so. I hope you have insurance — it can be expensive, and very, very long term. Like lifelong. Perhaps you could find a therapist yourself, someone who is familiar with bipolar family issues. Oh — is there a chapter of NAMI, the National Alliance for Mental Illness, in your area? They have family support groups.
Hi Beverly –
It’s clearly a very, very tough situation to be in. 25% of the time is a lot of hell. I think the key thing you said was you are now at the point where you can’t take it any more. I am sure you have put up with a LOT for LONG time. Only you know when you are truly at the point where you can’t take it any more without the situation inflicting such severe damage on you mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, etc. that you really need to get out for reasons of self-preservation. This is much like the situation a lifeguard faces when they finally decide they need to swim away from someone who will not or cannot allow themselves to be rescued without bringing down the lifeguard with them. It’s a really, really difficult thing to have to do, but sometimes you have to.
As one last step before that, I wonder if you moving out for a while would help him realize the seriousness of the situation. He still may not be able to control his anger, etc. but it may be worth a try. And if you do, let him know this is his last chance because his anger etc. is destroying you, and you will need to leave for good in order to protect your own mental and emotional and physical health.
Good luck Beverly.
I think this is really very good advice Bob. It’s not even a matter of blaming him…. it’s just a matter of being honest that you can’t take it anymore. Move out and let him know you mean it when you say you can’t take it. He’ll either do what it takes to get better medicated/treated, or he won’t. But separating yourself from him when you know you’re so emotionally battered will only help you (both) get perspective. I’ll add that even if he seeks help and gets better treatment, give yourself time to heal before making any sudden decisions. Good luck.
Thank you Synergy. I pray that things go the way she wants. The question I have is could my wife ever trust me again? Years of emotional abuse was terrible. I let her know that I was back on medication and going to counseling but like she said immediately after the breakup..I can’t trust you will stay on them. I’ve been studying my disease this time to learn for my future and listening to people’s suggestions. I hope that my wife can change her heart. By her leaving though it probably saved us both by her getting out of the abuse and myself realizing I needed help.
Llkj, Well, forgiveness does sometimes happen. Sometimes, though, people can forgive and not continue with a relationship. I know how hard it is for a breakup. Even though I have usually (not always) broken up with someone, it was after years of tolerating abuse, and that the man had already emotionally left ME. I just took the final step. Still, the pain of the breakup was INTENSELY HORRIBLE. I cried for months. Wish I could say something to comfort you. As I have said to my very good friend who has bipolar, and another friend whose long time b/f broke up with her due to his own depression, that from my experience, “You’ll just have to weather this storm, and things will get better. You can find another relationship, but you don’t know that right now.” One never knows how long a period of grieving or alone-ness will last. My ex, who I thought might commit suicide if I left him, was remarried in 6 months.
Dear lwren and Llkj
I sent Llkj’s comment to a very good friend whose boyfriend of 2 years, whom she still loves, broke up with her. He has unipolar depression. Then he kept calling her, telling her he loves her, and wants to be friends. She told him yesterday not to contact her. It was tearing her apart. She wrote that this no-contact call was “VERY, VERY HARD,” and that your post was helpful to her.
lwren, you wrote:
“My question having read all of the posts is, what do I now? Stand by him and wait for him to come out of this and resign myself to a life of complete emotionally uncertainty. From the posts, I see people have been in relationships 8/10 years and there partners have upped and left. Should you protect your own sanity and be cruel to be kind? I love him and don’t want to leave him alone but is there really any other choice?”
Well, it isn’t just the mentally ill partners who leave after many years. It can be the other partner (like me) who left an uncertain or mentally or physically abusive relationship. It took me 11 years once and 9 years another time. It took my sister 22 years. Of course, nobody can make your decision for you. But my advice would be to leave and open up your life for someone who treats you right. These are some books that helped me: “The Verbally Abusive Relationship;” and “Getting Free.”
Five years ago I was diagnosed bipolar 1. I took my pills for a year and and half and quit. 2 months ago the wife left me and is filing for divorce. It was not fair to her that I would not listen to her cries for me to get help while she had to deal with my manic swings emotionally abusing her. I am medicated again and going to counseling. I would love to earn her trust back showing my commitment to change but I think it’s to late. I miss the love of my life. Please people stay on your meds and seek help for the sake of your love ones showing you really do care.
can bipolar lead a happy good life????i was planning to get married with a person who is bipolar,nd nw its over!i was taking him as a complicated and difficult person,as he is divorced,and i got separated from my ex husband,i m too much dishearted,when i diagnosed myself that he is bipolar,and he is not in a denial state,he is saying he wants to get his treatment done ASAP,but when i read about bipolar personality,im feeling like im dying :( i wish that he could live a happy normal life.i ve my exam after 4 days.and im feeling like im dead :((((
Do not marry him –you will regret it — My brother-in -law lives in hell with my sister –The whole family moved from Alabama to Washington State to get away — I still live in Bama but I do not have anything to do with her and I felt so guilty — I pray for her every day and I learn that I can love my sister without a relationship.
linda you are right !:( :( i m not absorbing the intensity of pain which i have,i diagnosed it myself as im a dental surgeon though is not my field,but i have know how,he told me everything ,i compromised on his mood swings,he insulted me many time,but suddenly he got change and started giving me more love,and i took him like oh he loves me,:( becox i got separated from my ex husband and i thought that i have to live with sm1 finally,so why not he(bipolar),and when i decided ,it got happened :((((((.i cant take 2nd chance,even i cant say him that u r bipolar becox he is ill ,and there is no point to hurt a diseased person :( i m very soft hearted,i went through alot of pain in my life,thats why i dont want to hurt.i did alot of counseling when even i dont knew that he is living with this mental illness,i cant say that u cheated me :( becox its useless to say such things to these kind of persons.im feeling helpless,becox i was emotionally attached with him,i had gud tym with him smtymes very stressful and smtyms a very good time.O GOD !:( :(I M IN TOOOO MUCH DEPRESSION,thanku natasha for making this plat form to disscuss bipolar issues :(
Hi minall –
What you are going through is very difficult. I went through the same kind of pain as a result of breaking up with my bipolar ex-fiancee. But the good news is the pain will get less and less over time. On the other hand, if you don’t break up with him, he will not get better and will probably get worse, and the pain you are feeling will not go away and will also get worse and worse and worse. Much better to bite the bullet now and endure the pain of a breakup then put yourself in a no-win situation with more and more pain guaranteed for many, many years.
Yes, you had good times with him, and you can at times remember them with fondness even as you move on so that you can live a happy life again. You need to balance those fond memories with also remembering the pain and the hurt and the stress he brought into your life. A life without a partner is much better than a life with a partner which brings you constant pain. But in time you will find someone else who will be able to love and appreciate you as you deserve to be loved and appreciated.
Good luck!
– Bob
Natasha, you are so great! Such a wonderful and insightful writer and person! I, too, was glad to read this article. For three years, I was friends with a woman (I’ll call her Barbara) who told me she’s bipolar. Well, that was okay with me, b/c that’s my dx, too; and because I have two other long-time friends with bipolar. I figured that Barbara, like myself and my other two friends, was taking care of herself because she had a psychiatrist, who she’d been seeing for 25 years. She was taking medication, too. To make a long story shorter, she eventually started being “on again-off again” with everyone she knew — except me. She’d complain about people who were offering her kindness, sometimes in the extreme,. Next day these people were so wonderful to her, she claimed. Such as a therapist I recommended to her. He was working way, way, way over time to assist her with a chronic and potentially fatal physical illness. I also offered to help with that illness, too, but set very solid boundaries with what I would and could do. I didn’t figure out that “I’d be next” on her list of people to trash-out. She started calling and emailing me way too often. I figured out that she had nobody else to talk to, no close friends, only me, her therapist and psychiatrist. So for at least a couple of months, I gently suggested and told her that people with mental illness need a huge support group. I told that I had such a group of friends, and that it took a lot of effort and trial and error to meet and become friends with each of them, over the years. I told her when I first moved to our city, I had NO friends, but that I worked it out. I asked her if she’d considered joining a group, like maybe one about her physical illness. She said she had gone to one, but didn’t like it. etc etc etc. Finally, I emailed her and said it was important that we exchange phone calls and emails one by one. One call or email, then wait for the other to get in touch before returning the call/email. She wrote back that she completely understood, and that was fine. Then, the next time I saw her, when we were scheduled to have lunch together, she started yelling and screaming it me. First, she declared, “I will NEVER, EVER call or email you again!!!” I simply stood up, and said simply, “‘Bye, Barbara.,” and walked away, looking for another table to have my lunch on. She followed me around the dining room at the senior center., screaming and yelling, saying “You were honest with me! Now you have to listen to ME be honest with YOU.” She finally quit and left since I made no response. Whew. I was considering leaving and going to a sidewalk bench to eat, even though it was very cold outdoors that day. A few days later, guess what…I got a letter from her! I shredded it without reading. I have experience with letters from people who have verbally abused me. I figured the letter would say one of three things: She’d apologize and want to be friends; or, she’d rave in print the same garbage she’d raved at the senior center; or, she’d write like ever, like nothing bad had ever happened. None of these options were anything I wanted to read, It made no sense to receive a litter, when she had declared she never would contact me again. I’d said “Bye, Barbara,” and I meant it. Of course this was a person I’d only known for three years. Not a family member or long time friend. I know how hard it is to deal with an abusive family member, believe me. I separated my self from my father many times, and from my sister. I felt terrible then. But with Barbara, I did not feel sad or hurt — I was very angry! But she’ll never know that.
I wish I’d read this 15 years ago when my husband’s bipolar surfaced. I dealt with the roller-coaster, the involuntary commitment, the resulting unemployment. The bottom line is this: if your bipolar loved one is not willing to do as much work as you are to save your marriage and family, it’s a lost cause. He took his meds but ignored doctor’s orders to see a therapist and used his diagnosis as an excuse to quit being a husband and father. I felt guilty for resenting his behavior, but when it became apparent that he had no intention of ever trying to face his issues, I quit being the public good wife, filed for divorce and didn’t look back. The prospect of living the rest of my life that way was not an option. Natasha is right: until you live with a person who actively refuses to manage his bipolar and uses it as an excuse to be an asshole 24/7, don’t judge.
I am so thankful to have come across this article! It has confirmed that I am doing the right thing for my situation. My mother (69 yrs old and has good health overall) was just released from the crisis unit of the hospital after 10 days. She was diagnosed with psychosis depression and anxiety. I put her in there because the last straw was when she called me in a panic saying she was being accused of a murder from the tenant upstairs (whom she never met or spoke to). She was “told” to leave or the cops were coming and don’t come back without a lawyer (I have dealt with many bouts of these delusional episodes with her over the years). During these few days of chaos, I spoke to the crisis center hotline several times (prior to her entry into the hospital) because she refused to go back home. They said if not a threat to herself or others they can’t do much. My persistence and the fact that she stayed in her car one night made them take action (because of her age). I told my mom I will have the crisis center come out if she refused one more night in the apartment. She agreed to have them come out and talk to her and then agreed to go to the hospital to be evaluated (shocking! but she was partly frightened of what else I might do). She did and said all the right things in the crisis unit. I had to tell them what was actually going on because she was only giving bits and pieces. She only spoke of depression; didn’t mention anything about the delusions/paranoia. Because of me informing them, they put her on an antidepressant and an antipsychotic and gave her suggestions on how she can live a happier life (ongoing therapy included). When released, she let her true colors show. She became negative, irrational and refused to go back to the apartment and has been sleeping in her car (I even took her to the apartment and went in with her). No matter what evidence I present to her (as well as the landlord) that she is not evicted, not accused of a crime, no charges at the police station, etc. it doesn’t change “her” reality. I cannot tolerate her stubbornness and unreasonableness but I also know she believes her delusions. I only hope the medicines start working soon (only been 9 days) but she will eventually stop taking them as she stated. I will not permit her to stay with us; I am not enabling her. I wake up in the night with guilt but I’ve had enough. What really stood out in this article was: “There is nothing I won’t do to help you get better, but there is nothing I will do to help you remain ill.” Thank you.
I want to thank you so kindly for these posts. My sister is bipolar, borderline and an addict. She has lost her job, her children, been arrested and injured herself in a drunk driving accident. She still refuses to get the help she “really” needs. My parents are raising her 3 beautiful children, and I’ve let my sister stay with me only that someday I can tell her kids that I tried.
She sees a psychiatrist, but misses more than half of her appointments. She doesn’t take her meds correctly, and refuses to enter the all-day program that has been reccomended for her. I fully agree with you that this is an illness, but refusal as an adult to take care of yourself is a choice. I no longer want to live with her choices that are hurting me. It’s no different than a diabetic that refuses to take insulin and monitor their blood sugar, except the consequences of irresponsibly handling mental illness hurt and destroy entire families.
I understand completely about the abuse, stress, turmoil, disrespect, and often callous disregard. She has stolen from me, had strangers in my house that have stolen from me, she lies when she doesn’t even need to lie, she’s hostile and verbally abusive at times. I’ve also been physically hit, and her bringing drugs into my home is putting my life, safety and everything I’ve worked for in jeaopardy. She has completely drained me financially, physically and emotionally.
This article has given me the final strength I needed to finally say goodbye. If I’m free of her, I will have more time and energy to spend on her children that need me.
My ex husband had a mental illness which manifested itself every couple of years and lead to him losing his then job, taking lots of drugs and thinking he worked for a spy agency among other things.
We had two young children.
Please, those of you with children in the mix. Do not think for one minute that they are not affected because they are and that is why I left for my husband.if you stay I believe you are doing them a huge disservice by exposing them to the behaviour. I put my children mental well being and physical safety above everything and it was a no brained to leave my husband. Now hat they are adults, they have to deal with his still erratic behaviour but I support them as much as I can. They saw too much when they were growing up and for that I will forever feel guilty.
Please people, get your children out. They rely on you to make the best decisions for them.
I just get so ripped up inside and my stomach just goes into knots with every thought of what might be happening to my ex gf. I swear it really seems you don’t fully get a good understanding about psychosis until you live or have a relationship with someone suffering from such a illness. :( no decision is simple . Sure outsiders will say leave her and let her family take care, but you find yourself looking back at times before the illness started and wonder if you could of saved that loved one from the endless sufferings which lied ahead . The reality is sometimes there are no happy endings . I only hope she makes contact some day.
My partner of 7 years is getting worse. He has no friends, no family, and very little life outside the home. It’s a roller coaster ride–when he is up, he is the sweetest, funniest person I know. Then something will trigger an episode and he yells, throws things, sometimes breaks things. We have no children but the pets get scared, and I get scared. In between episodes I am trying to prevent them by attempting to organize things in such a way that the triggers don’t occur.
He is a veteran and has his medical and mental health treatment through the VA. I’ve called his provider(s) repeatedly, especially when he is talking about wanting to die. He shows up for his appointments and takes the meds, and the suicidal talk has lessened quite a bit, but otherwise I would say his condition is worsening. He has not been diagnosed with bipolar, his mother had it though. I think if the VA knew what is really wrong they might not take care of him, because it would not be service-connected. He is completely unable to work.
I go to therapy myself and while the therapist does not tell me what to do, it’s clear he would like to see me end the relationship. I just can not make myself do it. in some ways it feels like I haven’t “hit bottom” yet. The bottoms I have hit have been hard enough, and I don’t want it to get any worse, but I can’t make myself send a mentally ill, physically disabled man out into the world with no friends or family and no way to even move his stuff by himself. We live in a house that I purchased myself, it’s all in my name. I’d have to kick him out.
I was in Al-Anon for years and know about enabling, not doing for another adult what he can and should do for himself, but it seems different to me with mental illness, somehow. I find myself trying to arrange his environment to minimize the chance of a meltdown, it’s exhausting and often doesn’t work.
Finding this website has been great, thank you to Natasha and to all who contribute. Maybe one day I will just wake up and be able to end the relationship. I feel that each of your comments gives me a little nudge in that direction.
This article is ridiculous. Not every mental illness is the same. Some people abuse and use and are violent. Others just need to recognize, get treatment, and improve who they are. My wife is leaving me and I know she’s using this disease as an excuse. Its killing me inside to know there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
Let her go
Dear Jeff,
All I need to say is -EXACTLY!!!
There’s a difference between being mentally ill and an abusive a**hole. You make it sound like everyone suffering from a mental illness is a wife beating, stealing, drug addicted bum. Sometimes people are just a**holes and that’s why you have to walk away.
I didn’t read it that way, Tas – I took from it that it’s ok to walk away from a relationship that is failing for reasons that completely outside your control and not to feel guilty about it.
I don’t think that Natasha would make that criticism of mentally ill people given that she’s part of that group. But the anecdotal evidence is too significant to dismiss: there are some common behavioural traits that mentally ill people often display. But I agree with you: everyone is unique and individual so NOT EVERYONE displays the same traits and yes, sometimes people are just a-holes regardless of their mental state.
The other thing I take from these blogs is that the observations aren’t criticisms: they’re merely offered as insight to help us understand why someone might be behaving in a certain way. When people understand then it’s often easier to provide support. I admire and am thankful for what people share here – I just wish I had found this blog 2 years earlier.
The reality is, it’s a really complex situation – there’s not enough understanding of the causes – there’s no sure-fix and there are too many variables. It’s just crap. But hopefully through talking we can improve empathy, understanding and support rather than being kept in the dark.
I think that some of the meanness that happens with bipolar, if not caused by bipolar or a person’s natural temperament, is caused by psychological problems that result from coping with the illness. Terrible things happen to a person who gets the disease. He often loses his career, his family and his finances. Dishonest people take advantage of his generosity when he’s manic and turn on him whenever he needs paid back the money he loaned. Then comes the anger, the bitterness and out of control temper. My brother was such a wonderful, kind person until this disease wrecked his whole world and now he trusts no one and is prone to getting into fights with everyone, strangers and kin alike. It is impossible to handle on a longterm basis and can ruin your health to live your life on what I call “Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.”
Hi Nancy,
I agree. I was definitely an ass hole after my diagnosis. I was living in the twilight zone on and off for 6 years while taking ssri’s. After a major suicide attempt, followed by a 6 month imprisonment in a “treatment facility” where I put on 70 pounds I was told by a psychiatrist that I was bipolar, it’s hereditary, and I should never have kids. And I needed to be on prescription drugs for the rest of my life. He handed me a pamphlet that explained what my future would be like; constant mood swings, unable to finish school/hold down jobs, relationship problems, alcohol and drug addiction… it was the worst psychic prediction my insurance could buy. And yeah, I kinda turned into an ass hole after that.
I was supposed to get married on August 1st, but my fiance had a breakdown a couple of weeks prior to the wedding. He never had any prior issues in our 2 years together, however, once this problem arose I soon found out about numerous other times where he had a breakdown without seeking treatment. As you can expect, the wedding was put on hold while he was supposed to get help. What I wasn’t expecting was that he was going to blame me for everything, including his breakdown. Unfortunately, he was in denial and not willing to accept his role in the breakdown but also the demise of our wedding. Leaving someone is hard when you know they are ill, and it is not fair to judge someone for doing what they think is best. I give my thanks to the author of this article as it has provided me some comfort in a very guilt ridden and bad situation as well as to bring forward a topic that so few people are willing to discuss for fear of being labeled in a negative light.
How about giving him a chance to get himself right? Pretty cowardly. You should feel guilt.
Thank you! Leaving is the hardest part. Im so mixed in emotions and fear i let down a man I love. but, i have to protect myself and my children. He refuses to get help amd he too is an addict, bipolar, and knows he needs treatment, but wont because of whatver the excuse is that day. God Bless. Need to read this
I am supposed to be married this Saturday to my now ex. We broke up over 2 months ago. HE is acting as if nothing has happened. He now will have nothing to do with me since, i moved on. I was just trying to be his friend. It seems he really was using me for his own serf ice. How can you say you love someone so much then walk way like nothing happened. It hurts to a certain degree. yes, i am glad I am not dealing with that side of him. But for him to not acknowledge nothing has happened. The whole wedding was paid for and my dress. Now i have to deal with all the aftermath. Family is still flying in this weekend, knowing the wedding was called off. But for him to just not have anything to do with me is a shock.
i was in your exact situation. He was moving in in september we had marriage plans (i told my family he new we had arrangements) and yet he acts like it isnt reality. We have been broken up two months. (less than) He has moved back in with her. She wrote me not a month ago. My vulnerability wants me to write her and commend her for her patience (she’s written me lots and demanded answers and solidarity which i refused….wisely) I want his happiness. I want peace. I feel your pain. You would not be in this relationship if we weren’t the same. please be like me. be free. focus on you. walk away. if you read this and think i shouldn’t do such a thing anything you’d tell me tell yourself which will def be FOCUS ON YOU. you can message me always anything. jess.n.plummer@gmail.com
One thing we all share in common is that these kinds of breakups are very, very painful and difficult in many ways.
We each have a choice as to whether to focus on that pain and loss, or to focus on the more positive, and frankly also more realistic side of things, which is to say that the breakup will free us, not only from the ongoing pains and troubles of the relationship itself, but also free us to be able to find someone else, someone who will be able to appreciate us and love us as we need to be loved.
The choice we make on what we will focus on will largely determine our happiness and future success in finding someone better for us.
Make the right choice. :) It won’t happen overnight, but as time goes by it will get easier to focus on the good things about the breakup happening, and also to remember that if the breakup didn’t happen, we would still be in a world of hurt because of still being in a relationship with someone who is not really able to be in a successful relationship.
It can be tempting sometimes to fondly remember the good times we had with the person, and then to feel the loss of those good times. But we also need to balance that with remembering the awful, terrible, no good and very painful parts of the relationship – and to be thankful we will no longer be experiencing those, and will now be free to find someone who will be much better for us.
I’ve found this blog really helpful with dealing with my own situation (in which my bipolar ex-fiancee ended our relationship – I THINK while she was having a hypomanic episode). 8 months later I’m still having difficulty dealing with the breakup and I think it’s because of something else that adds to the challenges that Natasha talks about. I thought I would share my thoughts and see if others can relate to this too.
I’ll give some background info throughout this just to help put things into context but the purpose is not so much to discuss my ex’s bipolar, more to highlight a scenario in which it can be really hard to walk away or move on and also to really emphasise the level of commitment that contributes to that difficulty.
(I hope I’m not hijacking Natasha’s blog but won’t take offense if this is moved to another spot. I’ll also apologise in advance … this is going to be a long one).
When you lose someone the most important thing in your life you review everything that you did or could have done to avoid this situation and the pain you’re feeling. So, after 8 months of soul-searching here, at other forums and with various psychotherapists, counsellors etc., … I’ve come to understand that bipolar can be horrendously complex. I’ve also asked quite openly if I have any issues that I need to address. And the feedback has been consistent: I have views on life, I have opinions, I have standards and I have the courage and confidence to voice / act on those. But I’m not the arrogant sociopath that my ex claimed during one of our final arguments. And despite 8 months of research in an effort to find understanding and clarity, I’m not obsessive – I’m just tenacious because she was, after all the most important thing in my life. So apparently I’m just broken-hearted.
Like I say, I’m not bipolar so can’t speak from first-hand experience – I’m only going by what I have learned from various sources over the past 8 months. So my limited understanding is that bipolar can bring a torrent of overwhelming emotions and that these can cycle quickly or rock-up on your doorstep with little or no warning. But I also understand that while there are some common traits, each person is individual so what happens, how it’s triggered, how regularly and how the person deals with it can all be unique.
And to some degree, I can relate to that wholeheartedly. Emotions affect non-bipolar people too: I’m not for one moment suggesting that bipolar and non-bipolar life are in the same ballpark. I’m just saying that non-bipolar people can also be overwhelmed by emotions: for example, we fall in love and follow our hearts. We don’t question it or use logic to reason it out. It just happens: WALLOP! You’re in love.
However, while emotion and the heart will make you fall in love, logic and reasoning will have the final say when you purposefully decide to STAY in the relationship when the going gets tough. Of course, our overwhelming feelings for the person we’re in love with is what drives us to use logic to try to work out how to restore the previous state of euphoria. (We do this even if we’re not aware of extreme contributing elements such as bipolar).
Now if at some stage you review that decision or a recent turn of events and realise there really is no way forward other than to end the relationship, then that’s where Natasha’s piece helps deal with the turmoil and guilt of ending the relationship.
But … if you’ve gone through the process of falling in love, then decide to stick it out, invest and do whatever it takes to get the relationship back on track and then the bipolar partner leaves you … then you’re left empty, confused and ultimately (for me anyway) you’re left with a lack of closure:
– you know that things weren’t ideal but you thought you were both working on the issues together. You had both talked openly, maturely and reasonability about your relationship challenges. So you felt that while you were both working together, your love for each other would hold you together and that together you could surely overcome the issues and that you would grow stronger together;
– you knew that you weren’t perfect and that this meant some changes on your part too but you were never prepared for the things that were hurled at you in the final moments;
– you especially can’t understand how, even with the issues, someone who could be so loving and articulate (in a very precise, clear and non-generic manner) about the way she loved you (and the reasons why) could somehow change in the space of 2 weeks and say that she hasn’t felt the same way for a while – even though she was distraught at the loss of her engagement ring just 2 weeks before; and even when you quizzed her after the breakup to see if the loss of the ring had ironically reflected in her mind how the relationship was going she said no, simply that she was upset because of the sentimental value and meaning of the ring and its significance of your future together
– you can’t understand why this person can acknowledge that their medication hasn’t felt right for the past 6 months but can’t see the correlation to the last 4 months of your relationship issues;
– you can’t understand why throughout the relationship this person has, after calming down, told you that you’re the one solid thing in their life and yet now suddenly you’re the cause of all of their issues
– and ultimately you can’t understand why it is that having acknowledged how in love with you they were, why they don’t want to be back in that space
And if you’re like me, while being opinionated and forthright, you DO go looking internally to see where you screwed things up. And you DO go through months of agonising self-doubt. And you wonder how it is that you weren’t able to take your other life-learnings and overcome the issues. But the reality is that the issues were new ones that you hadn’t faced before with any other relationship and it never occurred to you that bipolar might be playing a part. So while you recognised some of the behaviour – you totally misread the cause and tried to deal with it as if it were something else. In this case, my ex didn’t display any hostility, unfaithful or spending-spree behaviour; but I DO think that the bipolar made her over-analyse things which may have been the cause of her instant doubts as soon as we had an argument. And I think she covered up the fact that she was suffering a heap of depression which would explain her inability to achieve any of the goals that she talked so often about. Or maybe it was her medication that was ‘dumbing her down’ to avoid mania and in the process removed her motivation and get-up-and-go. That said, she admitted that she had the ‘quitting gene’ and rarely saw anything through – I just figured that with time she would learn how to overcome this because, after all, she said she wanted to and believed she could. And I believed in her.
But she wasn’t outwardly abusive until about the last 4 days of our relationship. Had she been abusive, psychotic, a liar or a cheat then I think it would be easier to say “I don’t want that” and to forget about her.
But as I say, she wasn’t like that, so all I have are memories of a beautiful person with whom I thought I was working through some relationship issues – together, because we cherished what we had together and the thought of our future together.
I remember my partner telling me that she can recall to the day when she became bipolar as a teenager: she went to school one day and just suddenly felt so miserable, without reason and couldn’t turn it off. Well here’s the crazy thing: I’m not bipolar but I know that feeling. I’ve had it for just over past 8 months. Anyone who knows me will tell you that I’m a mentally strong person – I’m the guy that people turn to for answers, support and clarity. But right now, I have none to offer myself. The emptiness is indescribable. Literally. And who would have thought that emptiness could bring with it an aching kind of pain that is ALWAYS THERE … just sitting in the background doing its thing?
I’ve been through depression – it was situational but even so I now know my own indicators, hence 8 months ago I went straight to my doctor and ended up on medication for anxiety. Fortunately that was only necessary for a short while to take the edge off (Doctor approved stopping the treatment). But what I have today is something totally different. It’s not your every-day depression – it’s completely different: I can function every day – there’s just no joy in anything that I do. Just an overwhelming sense of loss and an inability to understand how I got here. Ultimately, everything just seems pointless and not worth the effort. But nobody else can see it because I still turn up to work on time, suited up and functioning as usual. And I have a friend who is suffering depression and I’m still there checking in on her every now and again, taking her out and there at the drop of a hat when she says she needs some help (because I know with this friend that she doesn’t play games and is genuinely fighting to improve her situation). But behind that massive smiling mask is a world of blankness.
I’ve tried psychotherapy, counselling, medication, yoga, meditation, good solid life-habits (like getting out, doing the things I love) – none of it has helped. And I certainly can’t entertain the thought of going on a date – my heart’s just not in it. I guess that once we make that conscious mental decision to stand by someone through whatever it takes, well, I guess some of us don’t make those decisions lightly so walking away is no easy feat. Even if the other person has made the decision for you.
As a senior project and programme manager in the corporate world, I’m used to doing the analysis and making both tactical and strategic decisions – no-matter how harsh or cold they may seem at the time. But I don’t seem able to do that with my heart.
And the more I think about it, the more I realise that this is far too big for my brain to comprehend. But my heart drives me on and tells me not to let the logic / brain side of things govern my heart and kill off emotions. I get that it’s hard dealing with the fear of being hurt again – and I can understand why people run from that fear and end up alone – I just don’t want to be like that. I want to retain the ability to be the hopeful, romantic, flamboyant and generous partner that I am.
Now for someone like me, having gone through all of this thought-process, learning about bipolar, seeing the similarities with my partner’s behaviour and now understanding my own behaviour and response with a completely new perspective, I can see where my good intentions failed me. I can see what support my partner really needed and I can see how I needed to respond differently to the situations. And when you lose someone who was this important, yeah, you DO find it amazingly easy to make changes: that person is all the incentive you could ever need..
But her decision is out of my hands and I have to find a way to grieve and deal with the current loss. Which puts me back where this all started: unable to break that emotional connection and still in love with someone who neither wants to be in love with me nor loved by me.
So for now, I guess I just soldier on dealing with things day-by-day, like with my 8 year old son asking when we can see her again or why is her car still parked in our driveway; politely side-stepping romantic hints and advances from colleagues and friends; trying to keep busy until something magically clicks into place and makes my heart let go or gives me another chance to prove that we can make this work.
And accepting that while there are some common strategies, we’re all unique and individual – so what works for some, doesn’t work for others. And in this case, all of the advice that I would give to others just isn’t working for me. So I guess I’ll just continue trying to figure it out one day at a time …
If you’ve made it this far – thanks for so patiently reading my ramblings.
Does this sound familiar to anyone else? Has anyone else had the same sudden confusing end to the relationship? Is anyone else out there left with this feeling of where to now? How? And where’s the joy in life anymore?
David i have read what you wrote twice now and i feel like i could have written it myself as it reflects exactly how i feel.
It is so hard to explain but you have put it into words beautifully,
I don’t know that anyone can make this any easier for you as it is a long road and a very painful one but one that each of us needs to travel down at our own pace. I understand the resistance to not date and not being ready to give to someone else when your heart is really with another.
I also hear the hope that you hold on to as it is written between every line of what you wrote. I held that hope for so many years and it is the hardest thing to let go of and when i finally did let go of it unfortunately i had to go through the grieving process all over again.
I have educated myself on Bipolar but will never understand it. When i thought i knew how to best deal with it it throws something else from left field that you just couldn’t see coming and will never understand.
You are not to blame for this it was going to happen no matter what you did. I had 15 years of marriage and not one fight in all that time and was married to my best friend.
My husband woke up one day and decided that i didn’t love him anymore and therefore he didn’t feel the same way about me or our children. He left that day and never came home again. I can not tell you how many times i tried to tell him that i loved him dearly but he called me a liar and became very cruel to me and the children. The abuse eventually got too much for all of us and after 12 months we eventually let him go. He no longer has any thing to do with any of us.
What happened with your girlfriend had nothing to do with anything you did, please understand that. Really educate yourself well on Bipolar. Speak to those who have Bipolar and those who have/ had loved ones with Bipolar. Listen to their stories, ask lots of questions, really hear what they tell you. If you decide that you want to hold onto the hope that your girlfriend will change her mind then you will need the support of other people who are in the same boat.
I wish you the very best, i can tell that you are a lovely guy and you will be fine, you just need to get through a difficult process.
Hi David –
I’ve been thinking about your situation a lot and am having a hard time deciding whether to respond in a more sympathetic way (which is entirely appropriate – as you know, I understand all too well what you are going through since our situations are so similar), or in a more blunt, to-the-point way, as in “She isn’t coming back, my friend!… It’s not your fault! …. You are a great guy!… You need to put her behind you and move on!” And that is all also entirely appropriate.
You are a great guy, that is easy to see. And you are also very much a romantic, as you said yourself. Maybe too much of a romantic. You love deeply, and you are right, so do I. I am a romantic also, but there is this fuzzy area between romanticism and then taking romanticism too far, perhaps even into the land of obsession. And I don’t mean that in an accusing or derogatory way; it’s easy to become obsessed with someone you love so much. For a time I am sure I qualified for “obsession” with my ex-fiancee also. But when all signs point to your relationship being over (which I think yours is), and the situation affecting you in a very negative way (which it clearly is), then you are getting dangerously close to the land of obsession, if not already in it.
So for your own good, I think I will lean towards bluntness rather than sympathy, though you do have my sympathy as I am sure you know.
Be careful what you ask for. I would bet that even if she does come back to you (which I don’t think she will at this point), chances are very high she is going to just put you through hell again. You may have some great times with her again, and think you have recovered from your past problems, but then WHAM it will hit again and you will be left reeling and realizing you just spent another X years or months on trying to revive and fix a broken relationship which is non-fixable. That’s exactly what happened to me. So be careful what you ask for.
You admit you are trying to understand something (many things) which can”t be understood. That is true. You are trying to comprehend the incomprehensible. Don’t try to do that too much, because in many ways it is just that – incomprehensible.
I think you also still feel guilty about being the cause of the relationship ending. You weren’t the cause of it, and you need to let that go. It is false guilt, but you are letting it inhabit your heart and your thoughts… don’t do that. It was not your fault at all. It really wasn’t.
You seem to feel that your putting her behind you and moving on would somehow represent a failure on your part, as if it would be saying that your love for her wasn’t strong enough to… hang on forever waiting for her? Lets say, hypothetically, you did wait for her the rest of your life and she never came back to you…. would that say your love for her was really strong, or would it be saying something else?
I don’t think waiting for someone who has left you and made it clear she doesn’t want to be with you (and may even be with someone else by now) is showing that your love for her is really strong or somehow superior to the love other people have/had for their ex-partners. There is no doubt you love her deeply, and that is a good thing… to a point. But as a friend, let me say I think you are past the point where you should be hanging on and waiting for her. I could be wrong, perhaps someday it will all work out for you, but all the numbers/stats and everything else I see (as a neutral observer of your situation) point to an unsuccessful outcome for you and her. Even if she was to come back to you, which is highly unlikely.
One last comment: you seem to feel that if you give up on her and move on, you will never feel love or emotions again, or perhaps not in the same way. That’s simply an incorrect conclusion. You will feel love again (perhaps with one of those great gals you have been turning down!) and to your surprise, it may be even better than what you had with her. That is what happened with me. I have moved on, and have found someone who loves me the way I need to be loved, and it is fantastic. Really, really fantastic. I wasn’t looking for an exact replacement of my ex-fiancee, and didn’t get an exact replacement. It turns out I got one much better… and so will you if you let yourself.
I really think you need to do whatever it takes to move on, David. Your ex-fiancee is not the only one who can make you as happy as you were (at one time) with her. You need to move on, my friend. Cut the ties, remove all reminders of her, tell your son she won’t be part of your lives any more. You won’t be any less of romantic if you do those things, and you will also be releasing your emotions to love someone else. You need to give yourself permission to do that. Life will be a lot better if you do that, and you will no longer be languishing in the empty places you find yourself in now. You are in a kind of prison in that regard, but the good news is, you hold the key to your cell in your hand. You just have to decide to use it.
Your Friend,
Bob
Bob and Mia – thank you both for your supportive and understanding words. I’ve been busy landing a new job so haven’t had a chance to get on here and reply. Bob – rest assured, I understand the similarities in our situations and also that you’re a very supportive, compassionate yet brave-enough-to-be-honest chap. And Mia, I’m sorry you had to go through that – you must be an amazingly strong and resilient person to survive that so well and your children are lucky to have you in their lives.
There’s truth and sense to everything that you both say. And I understand all of that logic. The thing is that whatever within me can’t let go … it runs deep. I fully understand the logic and the stats that point to everything being over, beyond recovery and also the fact that she’s not the person I thought she was and will no doubt only get worse or will break my heart again in the future. I think the difficulty for me comes down to 2 things: 1/ indescribable heart-felt connection on a very unusual (for me) but never-the-less VERY spiritual level and 2/ I truly believe that at heart she is an amazing person – she’s just struggling but most importantly: she’s not the stereotypical screaming nutter, so it’s hard for me to see her in the same light as the statistics portray.
But I have accepted that there’s nothing more I can do. I have no intentions to spend the rest of my life waiting for her. But at the same time, I’m just not inclined to go do anything with anyone else just yet. Of course a call from Salma Hayek could well change that perspective :)
It’s just a very odd time, right now. I am the most scientific and logical of people. It’s just that my heart isn’t playing by the rules. And so daily I’m just running like a machine – doing what I need to (and doing it very well) but there’s just no sense of any worth in what I do. It’s not like I’m finding it hard to get up or pay my bills – I’m able to spank it at work, my son has no idea that there’s anything wrong, on top of my job I’m also acting in a movie (all-be-it a short movie but it means 14 hour days at the weekends) and I’m there for everyone else. And it’s not like I’m going through hell and hiding it all behind a smiley face. There’s no sense of doom – but at the same time there’s no sense of joy or point to anything when it comes to ME. I’ve seen a doctor who’s a mental health specialist and she thnks that while my case is odd and unlike normal depression, without a doubt I’m anhedonic when it comes to ME.
So I’m just taking it one day at a time …
Ok this is my first time writing to anyone but I figured I would give it a try. 2 yrs ago I started my first real relationship with a man. In the beginning I saw a few red flags but I didn’t let them stop me. We had lots and lots of fights for reasons that were so small and these fights would last into the wee hrs of the morning. When we fought he would scream at times. Made me swear on rosary beads, held my arms down bc at a point my body would just shut down and I just couldn’t speak. He even broke his own window when we were driving home from a wedding one night. These episodes happened probably a few times a month. After a crazy argument when we went camping I finally had enough. I was done. Please know that I did talk to him and took him back many times. He did get on medicine and went to counseling but it didn’t seem to make much of a difference. Anyhow I broke up with him last September. During our break I had to block him a few times bc he would call and text non stop and blame me for so many things. Then he would also be the sweetest most apologetic person at times. Telling me that he was put on this earth for me and that he will always love me and never be that person he was again. So after 10 months I decided to give it a try. I loved him, he was my first and only love. But I wanted to take things slow and see how things progressed. It was very hard since my friends and family did not like him. They didn’t like the way he treated me And they know that I’m a person that will do anything for anyone was they are very protective. But that caused a lot of arguments bc I had to hide the fact that I was seeing him. I know that’s my fault but I just wanted to see how he would treat me bf I told Anyone. So We weren’t seeing each other regularly. But we started arguing again and he would have this episodes of crying and blaming me. Telling me I didn’t give an F about him. That he was a joke and it was just an endless cycle then he lost his job and things got worse. I tried making sure he ate. Gave him money when he asked(he paid me back) but there was always something. I started getting panic attacks even when we would have a good night. A few Friday’s ago he wanted to take me to dinner with my niece and I didn’t answer the phone and I called him back a half he later and he threw a fit. So after 6 I left my house bc we were starving and ask him to meet for dinner and he kept yelling and going over the same things. He did end up meeting us around 8 and then I went home after and then he kept yelling again. Then the next day he apologized but I just had enough. My nerves are so bad I couldn’t handle any more. We had very little contact since then. I told him I want to be treated good and want a relationship that doesn’t have more downs then ups. It’s really hard for me. I don’t know if I’m making the right decision or if I’m wrong. I guess I just need some advice?
This sounds similar to mine and I want you to know you are doing the right thing. I feel confident in removing this person from my life. I still love him very much and have sympathy for him since he doesn’t know where his disease ends and begins. Im sure you think he deserves love, which does, and that you have the compassion and big heart and understanding that you feel you are abandoning him. You are not. Why would you love this person more than yourself. Why would you compromise your sanity to make failed attempts at easing his loss to his. Take care of yourself. It is okay to love this person and don’t let the people in your life shame you for it, it shows your humanity. But do not stay. Do not burden this or you will drown. I was diagnosed with panic disorder following my relationship with him and it destroyed pretty much every corner of my life, my career, my art, my friendships, my finances, my ability to sleep.
Focus on you. Find ways to cope and bring yourself peace. You are allowed to have lingering love for him you are not a fool for it but walk away.
hi Kay – your story is soooooooo similar to so many others that I’ve read. In fairness, I wish that my ex had been the stereotype that you have described because then I think it would be easy for me to see that this is just farrrrrrr too much hard work, heart-ache and abusive a relationship to stay in.
I THINK that the challenge for a bipolar person is simply to accept that when they have a negative or destructive feeling, they SOMEHOW need to be able to tell themselves that this is a bipolar moment and that they need to calm down and give their trust 100% over to someone else so that they don’t go making wrong calls. But that’s never going to be easy because while they’re ‘in the moment’ they will no doubt be fully convinced that the other person is the one at fault.
I can understand why you would want to give your ex another chance. And it’s clear that you did this with caution and some safe-guards. But it still seems like he has a HEAP of challenges ahead of him. If you can honestly say, with hand on heart, that your behaviour was in no way whatsoever sufficient cause for the verbal or mental abuse then it’s time to accept that while he has some beautiful traits, he doesn’t have what you need from a partner. But … if you TRULY beilieve that he wants to chance and that he CAN change, then never give up on what your heart can’t forget. But be very realistic about this.
Good luck.
Oh David, Your observations and thoughts are so familiar to me, yet you articulated them with such wisdom and profound insight I could have never penned. It is so late at night when I found this, I need time and sleep to reflect and comment. I will tell you while we are kindred souls my situation is a bit different in that I’ve not not am not contemplating the end of our relationship..However. I do feel such confusion in this 20 year relationship coupled with the strong feeling of….where to now.? And, in my experiences, the joy of life can easily be robbed from us. Bottom line – your words were so profound and beautiful. Thank you for sharing your journey…. words to earn y…..M
I have been looking for direction for a long time now. My brother has been thru many manic episodes since the age of about 17. At least the ones I remember. But it was not until adulthood that they really became extreme with each one getting worse and worse. And alcohol playing a bigger role than ever. I get it now because the alcohol cancels the medication even if he is taking it. He has to self medicate in some form so he chooses alcohol to do it.
And, we are not talking about some low life. My brother and I come from a wonderful home where we were told we were loved every day. We were supported, encouraged and directed in the way of a Catholic faith & upbringing, a wonderful education, and a foundation of love, respect & integrity. We were blessed!
My brother has the biggest heart of almost anyone I know, helped take care of my aging parents and established such wonderful relationships with them. He was a professional career man, married a wonderful and beautiful Christian woman. Lost a baby to miscarriage and lost the marriage to a lie. His wife deserve to know he had a Dual Diagnosis of Bipolar & Alcoholism. He never told her. They were married for about six months before his next manic episode. The marriage was over.
THe episodes became worse & worse driving a wedge so far between he and my parents, causing my parents and my own family to constantly fight. I thought I had a handle on what the disease meant, what would help and I tried to talk to my parents…..encourage them but not turn their backs on him. He didn’t ask for the disease. It is all so unfair. They are not dealing with my brother they are dealing with the illness. They were dealing with the illness too! Things I could not comprehend: verbal abuse, drinking, stealing from them, being gone for days, being arrested now a total of about 18 times, my parents going before the Magistrate to have him committed only to be released 72 hours later, walk to a bar, become blindly drunk and either walk the tab and get beat up or go back to jail. A vicious cycle. How can we help him? They let him move in as he lost everything.
East episode cost more and more financially, friendships, family members, years off of everyone lives due to stress and the anguish I could have never known until this past year. I would hear it is best not to “rock the boat” he’ll come out of it. I continued to encourage support groups, NAMI, counseling for my parents…..I lived so far away and did not seem to be able to help them. We just seemed to fight more and more. My brother played my Dad and I off each other. Then I had my own devastating divorce to go thru after 20 years of marriage. And theonly one that just to make a real difference in these episodes was my former husband. He had this take charge role of what to do when no one else really knew what to do. I hope he never felt taken for granted.
In this last year I can’t even count the number of episodes. But the difference is they became physically violent towards my parents. My elderly parents who have medical issues but still tried to help while my brother still stole, verbally abused my parents, and feels a sense of entitlement to everything.
W
Well my Dad passed away last year after a terrible physical altercation between my brother and parents. My Dad asked him to leave. He hurt them both physically and mentally. My parents dropped him off at a motel where my Dad had to prepay for him to stay. They drove away.
My dad called me the next day and his heart was literally broken, he was afraid for not only himself but my Mom as she was hurt too. He knew he would never see my brother again and he was right as he passed away only several weeks after that. It was a heart attack but I know also from a broken heart that as a father he could not do anything to help his son.
I lost three family members that day: my Dad, my brother (not in death but in reality) and I watch my Mom deteriorate each day from Dementia.
It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do…….say goodbye to so many loved ones and a world that changed in a second.
not
Hi Dawn,
Sorry to hear your story. With behaviour like your brother’s, it’s certainly easy to understand why people would turn away and disassociate from him.
But I can understand your parents’ behaviour: Putting aside the fact that bipolar probably wasn’t so openly acknowledged or understood in their generation, they also come from a generation that steadfastly believes that love will win through. I wouldn’t be surprised if at heart they still felt that he was, at his core, the lovely little boy they had raised (up until the final moments).
But until he realises that he is the one who is different and that he is the one who needs to change, things will never get better for him. From my own personal experience, if he has trouble talking openly, calmly and honestly about accepting that he has issues and needs to change how he manages them then there is nothing you can do to help him. So the best you can do, as heart-wrenching as it is, is to stop enabling him and to let him know that until he changes his attitude and behaviour, you’re cutting all ties.
It’s crap – once upon a time love could solve anything … not so with bipolar.
Good luck and don’t feel guilty or beat yourself up.
I too, know how it feels to be with someone who has a bipolar disorder. At my previous job i meet a young lady that worked with me, i found out we similar interest, she was warm, friendly, and thoughtful. We became a couple, then about 6 months into it, she would be fine one day, then the next mad at me , wouldn’t return calls and just avoided me. I being concern felt like maybe i did something wrong. I found myself always trying to accommodate for her to make her smile , happy, just would come and go. She told me about her dreams, she had violent dreams, she dreamed she killed herself and sometimes other people.
I would hold her all night and make sure she slept well and didn’t try to hurt herself. I found myself becoming depress because of her actions. I finally talked her into going to a hospital to speak to someone about her thoughts her moods, and even her physical pains.
Well i got the short end of the stick , i became the problem, anytime she was mad i was her target and i couldn’t understand , so finally they gave her some meds. She became the person i knew again and then the mania kicked in. She felt like she didn’t need me , was talking to another man behind my back and now she is pregnant with his child. He doesn’t do much for her from what i could tell. She is suffering through this pregnancy but for some reason i cant get mad at her for what she did to me.
I feel like i owe her nothing but yet feel obligated to help her since i know that her family doesn’t help her and she is a emotional wreck. But i don’t know how much i can take her lashing on me and im the only one that really tries to help her. She becomes nonchalant when she told me she was pregnant by another man, my feelings didn’t matter she cold and callous .
So im praying cause i know she doesn’t have a grasp of her illness but now im worry about my mental health if i continue to try to be in her life. I really do love her unconditionally .
I have been reading so many of these blogs and even though my ex fiance is the highest level you can be, never was abusive or violent. Is this normal as well. He never disrespected me and over all was a good relationship, other then the depression. When I recently informed he I had met someone, he said good, and I hope he treats you the way you deserve. I will probelly regret letting you go! He did not show any feelings towards me at all.
Hi Elliott –
Your love for her is commendable, but it’s not surprising you are worried about your own mental health given the circumstances. Whatever her reasons for getting pregnant by another man, she did it. In other words, even if her behavior was totally, or partially, caused by Bipolar Disorder, or by something else, she did what she did and you are right to say you have no obligation to help her now. You must realize that if she did this once to you, chances are good she will do it again. And then perhaps again. Do you really want to live that kind of life? Can you really put up with that – emotionally, mentally, spiritually?
This seems to me like a case of the lifeguard needing to leave a drowning swimmer who is bringing him down with him. Don’t let her bad choices (whatever caused them) destroy your mental health or your life as well as hers. It’s sad what she is doing to herself and the poor choices she is making, but you need to protect yourself first and foremost. Don’t get hung up on the ideal of trying to love her unconditionally, which is a laudable goal, but if it is threatening your mental health, I’d say get away from her now, while you still have your mental health. If you wait, someday it may be too late and you may not be able to recover from it.
I am all for unconditional love, but I think God is much better at true, absolute unconditional love than we are, especially in the kind of situation you find yourself in. No one would ever question your decision to leave her in such circumstances, and you shouldn’t question it either. Based on what you said about your own mental health being threatened, I think you are in a dangerous situation if you decide to stay with her. Good luck Elliott.
Hi Elliot,
Listen to Bob – he knows a thing or two :)
I’m going to summarise your take in slightly less diplomatic terms:
Screwed-Up Girl meets Nice Guy. Nice Guy supports Screwed-Up Girl. Screwed-Up Girl abuses Nice Guy’s patience and generous heart. Screwed-Up Girl doesn’t know when she’s into a good thing so plays around behind Nice Guy’s back. Screwed-Up Girl ditches Nice Guy, shacks up with New Guy and falls pregnant. New Guy turns out to be less than ideal but still Screwed-Up Girl chooses to lash out at Nice Guy.
Bipolar might explain her behaviour but it does not excuse it – not to those extremities.
Being a Nice Guy you will naturally want to do everything you can for her – especially when you can see, clear as daylight, that she has no family support of any value to her. But you can’t save her. There is too much here that is screwed up. And she has set her own course with this new guy. Walk away – no, RUN! Chalk this one down to experience and find yourself someone who’s actions leave you with absolutely no doubt whatsoever that they appreciate and adore you for who you are. No-matter what the reason, if she cannot do that then she does not deserve you.
But don’t take my word for it – listen to Bob – he’s far more intelligible than I am :)
I am hoping that someone that give me some advice on what to do. I got with my fiancee 3.5 years ago. I did not know at first that he was bipolar. And I also did not know that he had a drinking problem. When we first started hanging out we would party together and have lots of fun. Then after a few months, I found out that he was bipolar. He was not taking any medication, he was not even seeing a doctor. First off he is a wonderful man, he is wonderful to me, he is loving and he is the best guy that I have ever been with. And I want to make this relationship work, if I can. Even though it means taking the good with the bad. Well up until the past month that is. After he got with me we went and got him on medications. They would work for a while, and after about 3-4 months he would have an episode. Sometimes we would be arguing when it happened, other times it was when I thought that we were getting along fine. But something would trigger it. He would take off to his brother for 3-4 days. And return like nothing happened. So they would switch his meds on him, and we would be fine for a while, and then another episode. He has had a hard time holding down a job. He has worked about half of the time that we have been together, and the rest of the time I have supported him. I myself am not in the best of health. I have had two heart surgery’s in the past year and a half. So this is not good for me to get stressed out. And the two of us living on my disability is rough making ends meet. Here is the situation. He is behind 4 months on his child support from a previous marriage, he owes over $1,000 for a ticket, part he is able to work off with community service. He has these fits of anger when he leaves. He used to not cuss me or be violent, but now he has gotten to the point that he is. He has never hit me, but he throws furniture and things around and then tears off in his car. And in the last month, he has done this twice. He is not on his meds. And it worries me to death. Each time that he takes off he runs to either his mothers or his brothers. His brother used to just buy him wine and let him hang out over with him. But now his brother has a girlfriend, and he is not allowed over there so now the brothers just throw money at him and hope that he goes away. The first time this month that he left, I was worried I called his brother and he would not answer his phone. I called his mother. I explained to her that he had not been taking his pills and all she said was that he had his pills with him. I asked her to please talk to him. I explained to her how he has been getting worse and I am concerned. I told her that I love him very much. All she said was well maybe we need some time apart.
Before We got together he told me that he lived with his brother, he did not work, he was severely depressed, his brother bought him wine and cigarettes everyday and he stayed locked up in his bedroom. He did this for over 8 years. His family paid his child support for over 10 years.
I feel like after reading on your site that they are enabling him. All this time I have been trying to get him to be responsible, encouraging him to keep going, he had been doing good. But here lately it has gotten worse. And his family do not even call him majority of the time. I have held him when he cries wondering why they never call, or include him on anything. Now let me add another thing that I feel is important. His father passed away exactly 1 year ago. And even though he has been going out to stay at his mothers, he is very angry at her. He never got one thing of his fathers when he passed. And if she heard the verbal assaults that he has said, she most likely would not even let him there. Another thing, the last time he was there he found a shotgun in the bedroom closet. He has threatened suicide before.
It has been 4 days since he left now. And it was very bad this time he left. I tried to talk to him and got in the car. And he called the police on me. I explained to them I was concerned because he was not on his meds but they treated me like I was the bad one. So I have no idea what he told them. I called his mother. I left a message on her machine. I explained on the machine that he had a episode and how violent he was. And he was not on his meds. I begged her to call me so I would know that he was ok . I also wanted to tell her privately to remove the shotgun that was in the closet that he found the time before. But she has not called. I guess that she does not want to get in the middle of it. But isn’t she partly to blame for this? And his brother? Are they not enabling him? How can I ever get him to be responsible for his actions when they cater to him? I feel like that they disrespected me. I am trying to help her son. I am supporting him. I am hurt and angry at them. I want to tell them, you are making him worse. I want them to work with me to help him get better. But it is like they do not care. All they ever did was leave him in a bedroom and let him drink and not do anything for his bipolar. I felt like they should of in that time they could of gotten him on disability. Since he has been with me he has improved so much, he does so well when he is on medication. But now? I just do not know what to do. He has not called or messaged me. I know he is sorry for his temper and everything, like always. I do not blame him. I know that he is sick. Right now I feel like I am fighting a losing battle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Hi Vicky – sorry to hear about your situation.
I wrote a huge reply but have scrapped that. What it really comes down to is this:
– we know that bipolar causes overwhelming emotions that the bipolar person can’t control – YOU CERTAINLY HAVE NO CONTROL OVER THIS – only you can decide whether you are happy with this level of uncertainty in your life
– bipolar may explain his behavior but only you can decide whether it EXCUSES his behavior
– a successful relationship with him will require him to acknowledge and commit to the need for medication, psychotherapy, counseling (for himself and you both as a couple) and ultimately for him to realize that he needs to draw on you for support and strength during his hard times so that you can birth reinforce and strengthen your partnership. But he can always change his mind about this, so you’re back to point 1 above.
You sound like you are a balanced mix of compassion and reasoning – surely you deserve a partner who appreciates and returns that?
It takes two to tango: right now he’s not interested in you. In years to come he may realize his mistake. If you’re still available at that point then assess that then. But don’t out your life on hold for something that may never happen. If you’re not available then that’s his loss: don’t feel guilty about having found someone who meets your needs better. And don’t feel guilty for the way his life turned out. Learn to be as selfish as he is (right now) and go in search of what is best for you.
Bipolar isn’t his fault – but it’s not your fault either so it’s not your responsibility to manage: whether or not he likes it BIPOLAR IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY to manage.
As for his family: let’s not beat around the bush – they are weak and will be of no help to you whatsoever. They are clearly enabling him and choosing to believe that you guys are just having relationship issues – most likely believing that you’re a big part of the cause of those issues. It’s a convenient, easy and weak approach by them but it is what it is. Remember that while it’s frustrating that they’re not supporting you with your efforts to try to save your relationship, ultimately their lack of character, strength and inability to acknowledge the real issue will fail him the most.
Do what makes you happy. Remove the causes of turmoil from your life. Focus only on rewarding those positive forces. I truly believe that this will result in you either finding someone who is ready and worthy of your love or … you’ll be happier single than in a miserably unstable relationship.
This might sound harsh but it’s the view I’ve come to after nearly 9 months of soul searching after my bipolar fiancée left. Choose to pour yourself into people and activities that make you happy RIGHT NOW.
I hope this helps and I wish you all the best of luck with finding happiness again.
Hello,
I’m a 42 year old single mom. I’ve been divorced for 6 years. I met a wonderful man whom adores me. Treats me like a princess. I was living in a small apartment with my two children (11, 13), had a new car, a steady job, and I was content and proud of my accomplishments. I have never received child support or help from the kids father… so it has been a rough road, but I’d rather look at it as “We’ve come a long way babies!”. Anyway, this man I met showed us what it was like to live a life of luxury, showed us love, kindness, and swept me off my feet. I thought finally… finally the time has come to just be happy and in love. Early on, there were a few episodes of rage. I mean, horrible fits. Where he says I repulsed him and that I make him sick. We’d be out having a great time and then all of a sudden, I’d see this look on his face. I knew we were in for a long night. His flood of text messages were so mean and degrading to me. And I would never have a clue as to what I did to deserve this. After he cooled off, he would say he has no idea why he did that as well. Not wanting to fail at this relationship, I kept trying. He convinced me to work for him (he has a successful company), although I didn’t give up my regular job but asked for less hours and they agreed. One day he came over to my apartment and never left. He lived about an hour away and we’d go to his homes every other weekend when I didn’t have the kids. But it was very crowded and his work covered our whole couch and living room floor. We managed. He ended up getting us a beautiful apartment home. A huge place, in the best area, near the kids schools. He proposed, I said, “yes”. Blissful, I was loving life! He surprised me by trading in my car (that I was buying, not leasing) for something nicer. He did this all via email even though I told him I was happy with my car. Still, I was appreciative (but sad because that car was “mine”). Well, after moving in to the new place, the rage and fits started again. Every time we’d be with family or friends, he’d cause a scene and it was even worse when we were home alone after the incidents. We’ve lived there 3 months and he’s packed up and left about 12 times. Then the horrible phone calls and texts start. He punches things, puts holes in the walls, yells, and makes me out to some kind of whore. Then he has no idea why he’s acted this way. Says he can’t explain it. And it’s always after we’ve had a great time, day or weekend together. My kids have witnessed this. So now it’s time to go. In a few weeks we will be homeless, he is taking the car, my phone and now I barely have a job. He lies so much as well. I can’t believe anything he says anymore. One minute he is sorry and saying he loves me and two minutes later, he is saying F.U., I can’t believe you’re doing this, and go ahead and be with whomever you’re on your phone with (all i talk to is my mom, kids, friends on the phone). He said he’s been going to a psychiatrist but I found out that’s a lie as well. I was such a fool. I can’t believe I did this to my children. I have 3 weeks before we have to vacate our apartment. I guess what I’m saying is, look for the signs early on and if they aren’t willing to get help, take care of you and yours before it’s too late. I’m scared out of my mind. But it’s better than being ripped apart constantly and afraid enough not to sleep at night. Good luck to all of you.
Hi Renee –
As I read your story, I couldn’t help but notice how it is in many ways a mirror image of my own. It is interesting how it can work both ways. In my case I had a Bipolar fiancee I treated like a princess. I also thought that finally the time had come to be happy and in love. And we were. I did a lot to take care of her and her son, and was happy to do so. I got us a huge home in the best area, near her son’s school. She didn’t have to work at all. She was happy to be a homemaker and that was fine with me. I proposed and she said “Yes” and we were very happy. Like you, I was blissful and loving life… for awhile. Then not so happy… then happy again. Lots of ups and downs, like a rollercoaster. She also falsely accused me of cheating on her. She had fits of anger for no good reason.
Fast forward… breaking up with her was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. It was a very painful and terrible experience to go through. I am sure not just for myself but for her too. Bipolar is an awful disease that robs people of what could otherwise be wonderful and loving relationships. And causes a lot of pain for all involved.
Despite your current difficulties, I encourage you to focus on the last thing you said, which is so important and so true — “It’s better than being ripped apart constantly and afraid enough not to sleep at night.” It is important we focus not just on what we lost (on the good things we thought we had) but also, and even more, that we remember and focus on the terrible pain and struggles we are NOT experiencing any more because we are no longer with that person. Think of the hell you are avoiding by no longer being with him, and enjoy the peace and beauty of each hell-free day as you move on without him. You can be very, VERY thankful you are no longer in that very unhealthy and destructive relationship.
Good luck to you as you move on now with your life. Take it one day at a time. Time is on your side in the healing process and you will feel better and better as time goes by.
Bob,
(with tears in my eyes) Thank you for your response. I means so much to me. This is such a painful time. I feel bad for him. I know he really loves us. And even though we had wonderful times, the bad were really bad. I appreciate reading your story and will think of it when I feel like being weak. Things are falling into place. All the friends and family that he complained about are the ones stepping up and wanting to help. He didn’t even have one friend and hated the fact that I did.
You’ve given me some extra strength to get through this. I thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Renee
Hi Renee –
You are very welcome. I am glad I could encourage you with my story. Heaven knows we all need courage when faced with these kinds of challenges in our lives.
I am sure you are right when you say that you know he really loves you. That is a big part of what makes this kind of situation so difficult. In my case I asked myself often if she really loved me… as in “if she really does love me, how could she say and do such things, get so angry so often, etc.?” I think part of me wanted to conclude that she really didn’t love me… perhaps because that would make it easier to break up with her if I thought that. Yet when I looked back on our relationship, I could not overlook or deny many very heartfelt, beautiful, and genuine expressions of her love for me. I had to somehow reconcile the fact that she did love me very much with her very unloving words and behavior.
For quite some time I thought that love alone would allow us to get through the difficulties. But as you said, although we had wonderful times, the bad were really bad. In time I realized these really bad times would probably go on for a very, very long time, perhaps forever, and that the relationship was not going to get better, and had a high likelihood of getting even worse… as if things weren’t bad enough already.
I am glad you are able to reconcile the fact that he loves you with the fact that it would still be very bad for you (and your children) to stay with him. It’s counter-intuitive in a way and goes against all the Hollywood movies we have seen where “love conquers all,” but I found out, as have many, that in the real world love does not conquer all… especially Bipolar and the havoc it wreaks on relationships.
I think you are going to do just fine despite your current challenges. Hang in there, day by day, and you will soon start feeling in your heart more and more what you already know in your head… that it was a very good thing for you to get out of that very unhealthy relationship.
My husband of 8 months is back in the pysch ward for being homicial and wanting to choke me death and bury me in the backyard. He has paranoid schizophrenia, schizoeffective, morbid jealousy disorder. He called me from the hospital and said he wanted to leave me and said I love you and hung up. I haven’t heard from him in days. He has “left” me 11 times since January and been in the ward 4 times this year. It’s driving me crazy wondering if he is coming back this time. He is depressed because he cant hold a job. All he has to do is straighten up and video games all day. I work 60 hours a week to support us. He thinks I’m cheating on him, the celing told him when I worked a 16 hour shift I was screwing around. When he is not in bad space he is the most amazing person. I’m frustrated I don’t want to give up on him like his entire family has.
Hello frustrated77, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Personally, I had take a step back from the situation and look at the facts of the matter vs letting my emotions control me and my urge to fix my broken husband. Yes, you love him, you want him to be happy, and you want to have a great marriage, but you cannot fix or change him. Based on the description above, you should be very concerned for your safety and well being. Your husband sounds very unstable. You are going to have to be the one to make a decision to stay with him or not, and take action to protect yourself because it sounds like he will be back, especially if he is not working. There are always going to be wonderful memories that make you want to stay and keep trying, but when the bad far outweighs the good and you are struggling to keep it together on a daily basis…it’s time to take a step back. Only you can decide what’s best for you. Please do not stay for the sake of making him better because you will only end up loosing yourself in the process. Take things one day at a time and pray for direction. You only have one life and you deserve to be happy. Hugs!
My husband of 18 months has Schizophrenia which I found out from his brother about 2 weeks ago when he gets in these cycles and I become very frustrated and am on the end of a lot of emotional abuse. Calls my wonderful 3 kids demon infested and I am going to hell where my mother is. (I had a wonderful Mom who passed away last Sept) My husband takes no meds and never has since I met him. He tells me I need to read books on spiritual warfare and submit more to him and God. He says he is a prophet, that he is being watched and is on the Gov hit list as he knows too much and needs to have a weapon to protect himself.That I am full of demons and a schizophrenic and psychopath/sociopath, He denies the need for medication and understand from his brother that in years past he had been on meds but denies need for as they make his head fuzzy. When the last episode hit I could take no more mentally and moved out for my safety but did not leave the marriage and told him that. He filed for divorce which brakes my heart. I love him dearly and asked that he /we seek help for him and I would be with him every step of the way, he declined and said I was the one that needed help. he has been hospitalized 3 different times for long periods and also had a diagnosis for clinical depression which his brother stated to me he had 20 ECT treatments and that he had attempted suicide twice in the past. I know he needs to seek help but won’t. Feeling guilty for leaving and wonder if I did the right thing by doing so.It’s dang hard when you love someone…this also makes me feel like I have failed in some way.
Hi Marsha – It sounds like you did exactly what you needed to do. You are not a failure. You trusted your intuition and it took a lot of courage to leave. I am proud of you. When you have given your marriage 110% and have done everything under the sun to help and love someone and it still isn’t enough…then there isn’t anything else you can do. Also, he is not getting better if he is constantly blaming you for all of his problems. I highly doubt he will ever seek medical treatment if he is forever blaming everyone else. Emotional abuse is very painful and no one should have to live like that. It may not be easy moving forward without him, but it has got to be better than you and your children being tormented by his emotional turmoil. Stay strong, and more importantly, stay strong when you are sad. Hugs!
I have been following your blog, my heart goes out to you and your daughter. Your battling your heart on what to do about all of this.. All I can say is protect that child of yours. You are her advocate and her mother. Its our jobs as mother/parents to protect them regardless who is putting them in harms way. I pray to give you strength though all of this and hoping with in time, you too will see this was the best plan of actions you could of taken.. God Bless you and you daughter,.
I just want to thank all of you for the encouraging words. I sincerely appreciate each reply. Sadly, he had another episode yesterday. This time in front of my daughter and best friend. He said he hated me and was going to kill himself, etc. I decided that leaving him was best for me and the safety of my daughter. I know this cycle will never end unless I put a stop to it. I feel hopeful and, oddly enough, ready to move forward. I know this is not going to be easy. I’m done though, he can find someone else to hate and blame.
well done. it’s hard but will get easier over time. Get support to help you through the emotional injuries. God bless
Please understand your slowly killing the one person I had.. The angel in this family .. How do you expect me to feel happy? It kills me to leave her but that’s what she wanted.. I can’t even imagine what she going though scared to ask ..Now I’m enlighten.. But I am still frighten, while feeling the one thing my conscience never wanted, and she is still frighten and fighting.. How is that fair to make her live a hell, that never meant to happen … As she lays there ever so FRIGHTENED Repent to her and let her go heighten, because she is dying ALONE EVER SO FRIGHTEN.. God is talking through me.. Don’t you see that.. (Besides my Dad.) You were listening to rebuttal Instead you should’ve listen to understand … Now back to Dad DO YOU REMEMBER I told you as I got out of the car with the vacuum in my hand, If you didn’t believe in God THIS WOULD MAKE UNDERSTAND. I told YOU it would because he’s calling you back… You did NOTHING WRONG .. DON’T FORGET THAT You just lost faith in people because you thought that’s ALL You had Because you once believed in HE God.. And he remembers that,
You forget he know’s your heart and that a fact .. Give peace to yourself because deep down in side YOU know that.. Now who pays the price for lack against THAT PLEASE make peace with your selves cause that ALL SHE “EVER” WANTED AND SHE FRIGHTEN as the clock keeps ticking She’s dying ALONE DONT FORGET THAT
Hello, I have been with my husband for 8 years and we have a six year old daughter together. He is currently on 1200mg of lithium and taking Seroquel to help stabilize his mood swings. He is making an effort to get better and goes to counseling, but all too often the meds either stop working, have to be adjusted, or changed entirely. The problem I am facing is figuring out if I should walk away or to try harder. I realize that only I can determine that; however, I feel afraid to leave, and if it makes any sense at all, I feel afraid to stay. I honestly feel paralyzed. Things will be going great, then the “switch will flip” and he will have a psychotic episode (usually around every 4 months). He starts screaming, hollering, hopping around, getting in my face, telling me how much he hates me, my family, my friends and my dog….usually anything to do with who or what I love. I have to sit in silence and listen to him rip me to shreds. It’s quite frightening. The last episode was a couple of weeks ago, he told me if I called the cops on him (because I have before), it would end in a shoot out. Then in the next breath, he was going to burn the house down and after that he would text me the address of where I could find his dead body. He is usually completely out of control when he gets to this state. After the outburst is over, he is extremely saddened and remorseful. He really tries very hard to make it up to me. During the make up attempt, he craves sex and feels that will connect us and make everything better. He has never hit me and usually the threats are more about killing or harming himself. I am so thankful that my daughter has never witnessed his psychotic episodes. It seems he can keep his cool until she goes to bed. I feel that I have become more of an obsession to him and he has made comments that he cannot live without me. I am worried. Any advice or recommendation, would be greatly appreciated. Right now things are great, and will be just fine until the next episode.
I can really relate to this. I was with my fiance for about 8 years and she to would be fine until she had an episode. I have a hard time when she could compose herself at certain times but then had to go on a suicidal and hurtful rage. Kudos to the Father of your child for respecting her exposure to his breakdowns. I was pretty paralyzed myself for a long time. We are split up now, it’s not all that much easier. I’m seeing a whole different side to her and as much as I couldn’t stand her family, it’s at least ten times worse now. She had Co dependency issues with me and it’s been hard to be her friend and be there for her (no one else is) but have to put up walls so she doesn’t effect how I feel about myself or our children. Hang in there and know that your not alone and where there is hope, there can be resolve.
Hi Amber –
It makes total sense to me how you are afraid to leave and afraid to stay. And as a result feel paralyzed. When I was trying to decide whether to stay with my ex-fiancee or not, part of me badly wanted to stay and part badly wanted the relationship to be over. I felt like I was in limbo. I struggled with some important questions, one of which was whether things were ever going to get better. Once I realized that was highly unlikely (which took a while to figure out), then I needed to decide if I could (or should) accept her very unhealthy words, attitudes, and behavior.
I tried telling myself I would not let these things affect me because I knew she loved me very much (which she did) and probably didn’t really mean the things she was saying. Or so I told myself. I still don’t know really how much of it she meant and how much she didn’t mean and said solely as a result of her Bipolar Disorder. I pictured water rolling off a duck’s back, and tried to tell myself I would just let things roll off me like that without letting them affect me. I tried that, but could only do that for awhile.
Personally, I did not find it possible to not let those things affect me or our relationship. For me, that was just not realistic. Maybe it’s not realistic for you either. Maybe it’s not realistic for anyone. Or maybe only for a few. But I knew I would be in for a very unhappy, hellish, miserable life with her if we stayed together (despite the fact that we both loved each other very much), and when I shared my doubts with her, it led to the end of the relationship. It was very, very difficult, but it was exactly what needed to be done.
In your case (as with mine), I don’t think you “trying harder” is going to help at all, because the problem is not with you, it is clearly with him. You have reasons to be frightened and worried – his talk about a shootout, about burning down the house, about killing himself – all point to a very unstable and quite frankly I think dangerous individual to be around. You know there is going to be another episode, you say. And of course, then another… and another… and another… etc. You need to decide if that is the right kind of life for you and your daughter. I think you already know the answer to that. You can decide to put off the eventual decision I think you know you will need to make someday, or you can do it now and start getting on with the rest of your life.
You are right to say only you can make that decision. Good luck in making the right decision and in moving on to a better life, whether you decide that will be with him or without him. If you do decide it will be without him, don’t feel guilty about making the hard, reality-based decision you had to make for the benefit of you and your daughter.
Dear Amber
Bob is right. I disbelieved my daughter when she said she hated me and I ended up being left 70km from home on a rural road while crying and waiting for someone to come along that would take me back to my home. Who does that to their mother who is 60 unless they are very sick. They are not in control of their thinking and what they tell you they will do, you must believe and take protective action. One of my daughters boyfriends did burn himself and his sisters house. The paper often has men who say they will kill or maim a partner and do it. Your safety is prime and urgent. Your welfare must come first. I realize that you will not be wholly sane living with that illness, so trust and believe what Bob says. Keep a spare set of keys outside to grab. If you know of any Al-Anon group, they have protective ideas they use for their dangerous drinking partners. The problem with living with sick people we take mountains as molehills. His behaviour is a mountain to escape from. xx what would you do if your daughter had a partner like him. What would you help her do? See yourself as a person you would help and help her.
hi Amber,
I’m a big believer in never giving up on someone. Especially when that person is someone you can’t imagine spending the rest of your life without. But as Bob and Sally have pointed out: your husband has made some significant threats. And there are far too many reports of neighbours and family saying “but we never thought he really meant it.”
And you have a daughter to safefuard – both mentally and physically.
I know it’s hard to walk away and say goodbye to the person we envisaged spending the rest of our lives with. I was just telling a friend the other day: I would rather fail at something I love than succeed at something my heart’s not in. I can understand putting up with and working through ‘challenges’ but a life of 4-monthly threats to your personal safety and suicide … is that what you really want from a marriage? And how long do you think you can hide this behavior from your daughter?
Be strong for you and your daughter.
I have read your comments and very sad.. My now ex fiance had his depression and bipolar under control I thought. When he proposed to me, he was in remission. then 4 months into our relationship he started to back away. Then slowly stopped coming over as much and no sex for 4 1/2 months. I thought since he had his medication and so forth that he would do the same patterns as what I have seen in the blogs. As nice of a guy he is and good to me and my son, he did it. Strung me along and feel out of love. I am hurt, like never before. I have never loved before truly and I am 41. I protected my heart for many many years. And I indicated i would go through his illness with him and he said no, and I believe he has someone else. He cheated on his ex wife for 14 years why not me. It is the hardest relationship i have ever experienced, and its only been 7 weeks since we have been apart. But, I am glad i cut the wedding off and our relations. I hope you find happiness one day..My heart really goes out to people with this illness, its not like you asked to have this.
The issue of “getting help” is a complex one. Where I live, mental health services are underfunded and in crisis. I have been trying for months to get help for the depression which was worsened since my break up. I am about to make a formal complaint about getting none. It’s horrific. I did have a counselor, who was excellent, but her funding was stopped and I can’t see her any more.
I have autism – not a mental illness, just a different type of personality – but also very severe depression and anxiety. So I know I can be hard to live with.
My ex was schizophrenic, I think – at least, very paranoid and angry and delusional from time to time. He left me during one of his crises. I decided at that point to completely end it. He contacted me about minor things a couple of times, but nothing for 8 months.
I understand what you say about enabling. I did do that. Now he’s gone back to his parents, who also do that. Because of them, he never has to really face up to things – he can always run home. But they are very elderly and ill now.
Everything seems so clear, at this distance. I was in love with the image I had of him, and was appalled by the rage and paranoia. He didn’t have enough insight (or incentive) to face his illness squarely. There was nothing I could do about the delusions anyway. Nor could he help with my depression.
I suppose I thought two mentally ill people could make it work if they both had insight and could both compromise. But that was my dream, not the reality.
I miss him. I am very lonely. But I know there’s no point in contacting him.
I have accepted this will drag on for ages. Just have to live with it. Some people – they affect you so deeply, and you feel such passion about them. But it’s still hopeless. And what happened leaves this ghost behind, that maybe stays with you forever. I expect it will get easier in time. I hope so.
I agree one has to know the realistics of an relationship with a person with bipolar. Im very frustrated the mother of my children s father knew he had bipolar and did not tell me. But I stayed with him because we have 3 children and wanted to be supportive. His family does not pro-motivate him. Instead they are okay with him not working. At times he is nice and then boom he is so cruel its spiteful. It has caused me stress and challenges in finishing my college degree. I decided to finally put the needs of myself and children as a priority. Still I want the best for him. Yet I have a child with a sensory disorder ans need to put his needs above everything else. I started to hate him and now understand it is because I love my children I wanted him to feel the same and want to take them places.
Hi Iris –
As you work through this very difficult situation, just know you have a lot of people here like myself who have been through similar situations and who understand the pain, stress, challenges, and frustration you have been dealing with (and are still dealing with) and who empathize with you and support you in your efforts to make a better life for your children and yourself.
You are so right to say it’s important to see the reality of the situation and to act accordingly. I applaud you for doing that and I know it is going to result in a better future for you and your children, even though it will be difficult at times to make the change from your current situation to a much better one.
Try not to hate him though, since he is also a victim of Bipolar Disorder. That doesn’t mean you should accept his behavior or stay with him, it just means you don’t need to hate him for it. You can move on without hating him, and that will also be much, much better for you, and your children too.
Keep your focus on moving on to that better future for you and your children. Each day, practice looking forward to that much more than you look back. You are a good mom and I wish you the best.
My story pales greatly in comparison but I am reaching out none the less. My boyfriend was moving in with me and meeting my parents suppose we had become “engaged” as we had planned to get married. After 5 days of being physically apart he used heroin, quit his job and ran back to his ex moving in with her. I cut off contact and wish I had the strength to have just left it there.
24 hours later he moved back out of his ex’s (I do not know if it was his or hers decision I feel like he constantly lies) got his job back told me he was going to get medicated and clean and hoped that he had not lost me forever, even as a friend.
He proceeded to contact me often saying that I had influenced him to seek these positive changes and he really wishes that I would speak to him as he wanted to surround himself with positive/people things as he went through these changes.
We would talk he would be erratic and cruel. Beg me not to leave say all the right things. A continuous cycle.I feel like I’ve walked through a car wash. I feel drained, confused and broken. I love him very much. I feel like he is very alone but I also feel quite used…a constant distraction from his depression that doesn’t quite measure up much like how he uses heroin.
When he last pulled me back in he got arrested the next day for property damage the day after that he used again.
I again severed contact saying I feel I enable him that he hasn’t gone to a doctor or done anything to better his mental state its only worsened and I feel like I humor him while it destroys me watching him destroy himself and that until there is some change I feel we shouldn’t talk that it’s destroying me and I’m not doing anything to help him in the meantime.
(This is all while were in two separate countries mind you)
He said he understood and didn’t want to hurt me and that he wouldnt contact me until he made some changes.
Three days later he emails me the following and it tour my heart out it felt so cruel and heartless. I know he is manic and I’m happy he went to the Dr.
The whole thing was a mistake. I’m just trying to get well, got medication now. I kinda think we should forget everything. I want to forget everything and move on. I know I’m a piece of shit cunt but o have to get well, I’m going to kill myself otherwise.
He deleted me off social media in the same swoop.
I am quite hurt. Perhaps he ran back to his ex again. I am not hurt that he wants help I’ve wanted this for him and I think he can best achieve it alone. I’m hurt that he dismissed our whole relationship and me as a human being. I don’t understand. Did I ever matter? Why must he say goodbye so cruelly when I have been compassionate and supportive.
I simply wrote back:
I want you to get well. We can go our separate ways.
I wanted to say more I still do. Is a clean break best? I really love him. I hope he is getting help.
I mailed him a birthday gift prior to this that will arrive any day…I searched everywhere for this ‘lucky hat’ he lost while we were together and managed to find it. I don’t know what I fear more if he will contact me or that he will not.
Do I say a loving goodbye or just let it go. Is okay to feel hurt that he was so dismissive? How do you tell whats meant and whats not anymore.
This whole thing has made me feel unstable and has made me so out of character. I’ve accepted behavior I never normally would allow. I am sad all the time and worried for him and miss him.
Hi Nicole –
If you read the last two paragraphs of what you wrote, I think you answered your own questions.
Don’t get involved in a “loving goodbye” with someone who is adept at manipulating you and drawing you back in. Just let it (and him) go. And yes it is certainly OK and normal to feel hurt that he was so dismissive. As for telling what’s meant and not meant, it doesn’t really matter. Even if he really means that he loves you, he is clearly not able to follow through on that in any meaningful ways. It also does not matter really WHY he is the way he is, you just need to fully and totally acknowledge who he is now, and that he is not the kind of person you want to be with.
The fact it is all making you feel unstable, out of character, accepting behavior you normally wouldn’t, and that you are sad all the time, all point and shout loudly for you to get away from him quickly and permanently.
But you already knew that, didn’t you? Yes it’s painful to leave someone you love, but sometimes it is the only choice you have, unless you want to continue feeling the way you do – unstable, sad all the time, etc. You don’t want that, do you? If you stay involved with him, even a little, that is what you will have. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that your love for him will somehow change him or cure him or fix him. It won’t.
I think it is very helpful to remind yourself that as painful as it is to break up with someone you love, in your case (as it was in mine, and so many others’ you can read about here) it will be far, far more painful to NOT break up with them and to continue the hellish existence you are now experiencing.
You need to move on, now, toward your future, and leave him in the past. If you don’t, your future will be more of the same hell you are experiencing now. If you do move on, you will have a much happier future than what you are experiencing now. And you do deserve a happy future. You deserve to be loved the way you need to be loved and to be appreciated and valued.
Moving on will get easier day by day. If you stay strong in your resolve for a better future, that is what you will have. Good luck!
As i read your story, I am some what relieved, but confused a bit about my current situation. I have never been
in love with anyone in my life because I kept my walls up. This man whom i new from HS, comes along and we were to be married in august of this year. I have never had a man treat me as well as he did. I never told him how I wanted to be treated or loved etc. I am finding that bipolar men are known to sweep ladies off there feet, and then leave them. We got along great, respect, love and admiration. But, as time went on, he had an episode. He is going through a divorce and raising 4 kids. I snapped and called the wedding off because he stopped communicating with and giving me nothing but silence. He loves me very much, however when I asked him
why he does not want to be with me anymore, he said its nothing you did, I just don’t know why.. Please help me make some sense out of this. Is it another women, as he tells me its not. Is it he feels I deserve better as he has told me this through out our relationship. Why when you have a good women, and you love her, let her go when she did nothing wrong.. PLEASSE SOMEONE help me understand!
hi Hope,
There are many who have gone through similar experiences to yours. Like you, I came searching for answers and found this place.
Now what I’m about to say may be difficult to hear but please believe me when I say that what I say is driven by compassion because I have been through this myself.
Personally, I think you always have to be willing to accept the fact that your partner may well have just fallen out of love with you for no reason to do with his bipolar. Just because he’s bipolar, doesn’t mean that everything he does that you don’t understand or agree with is driven by his bipolar.
That said, what you describe is similar to what I and a LOT of other people have experienced.
It seems quite common for people with bipolar to feel a lack of desire – for anything and everything. So don’t take that personally. As hard as it is for us to understand, I’m guessing it’s even harder on the bipolar person.
You might like to read another of Natasha’s blogs:
https://natashatracy.com/mental-illness/depression/depression-lack-want-desire/
You might also like to google ‘Anhedonia’
Another thing to consider is (and this is purely my personal opinion based on what I have read but I’ve never actually had a chance to ask a bipolar person) that bipolar seems to flood a person with overwhelming emotions. So while people tend to focus on the negatives such as depression and anger it’s worth remembering the counter to that: which means that he probably totally meant it with all of his heart when he said that he loved you.
I know that in some ways this will make things even harder to understand and accept (it certainly did for me). But I think that your first steps to understanding are not to judge or think about right vs wrong: quite simply it is what it is and sadly, it just sucks.
But read as much as you can here and you’ll learn lots that you’ll probably wish (like me) that you had known long ago. Just remember that while you might read about common traits, every person is individual and unique.
You will see lots of advice to run to the hills and never look back. You will also see people talk about how bipolar relationships can work.
Remember it’s your call – it’s your life and you know your partner better than anyone else. With what you’ll learn here you’ll see your partner in a totally different light and will no doubt start to understand him better.
Arm yourself with knowledge and understanding so that you can be aware of what POTENTIALLY lies ahead and whether or not you are willing to risk going through that. But of course, the potential is both good and bad.
Personally, I think that I now understand my ex far better as a result of Natasha’s blog – enough that I would happily give it a go again simply because I think I now understand her triggers and also I realise how I totally misinterpreted her behaviour. And I truly believe that with what I’ve learned here, I could be more understanding, accepting and ultimately more supportive as a partner. But sadly, it’s not my decision but at least I can now move on knowing that I still have no negative feelings towards my ex and only love in my heart (tinged with a little sadness). And I hope that you can at least get to that point too.
Good luck.
Thank you David for your thoughts. Yes, It is true,,,I have been told run for the hills. I asked him if he
fell out of love, He said no. But then he said I can not wrap my head around this all and I don’t know why
I am walking away.z But he was so sure of himself when he said I do not want to be with you. We never faught, nor called each other names or disrespected each other. We talked about everything. Then when it got closer
to the wedding which i gave him ample amount of times to bacvk out and he did not want to. He just said i just want to marry you. I did not want a big wedding eloping was fine with me. But he dsaid he wants to see the women he loves more then life its self walking down the isle to him. I have known him since HS..But not on the bipolar side. I strongly feel he fell out of love with me but has love. Two different things. No sex for 4 months etc. He swears there is no one else, but i dont beleive that..
Hi Hope –
You say he is “going through a divorce” which I take to mean he is still legally married to someone else. That alone could be why he suddenly went silent on you. He could be working through things related to that. Even so, if you were planning to marry in August, it is not good that he left you in silence and then did not have an answer as to why he did that. At the very least, this is a big red flag… you may want to lower your expectations, slow things down (in your own mind and heart) and stick to your plan to call the wedding off… at least for now. I’d suggest you need to spend more time on this relationship before deciding whether or not to marry him – it does sound like he “swept you off your feet” and things moved very fast… perhaps way too fast.
Slow down. You obviously have some concerns here, and it sounds like you should. Giving yourself another 6 or 12 months (or more) before deciding whether or not to marry him will give you a wider base of experience with him on which to base this important decision.
Your situation is somewhat like mine in that at one point I needed to tell my bipolar ex-fiancee that I was just not as sure anymore about whether we should marry and that we should take more time because of the issues we were having in our relationship. It was a difficult and painful thing to have to do, and then painful to have the relationship end after that, but if we were to have gotten married, I strongly suspect we may have fallen into the 90% of bipolar marriages which end in divorce.
That was a statistic which at first I tried to avoid thinking about, and thought we could be the exception (the other 10%), but as time went on and the issues remained, I started realizing that these were exactly the kinds of issues which led to that very high divorce rate. I realized that even though I loved her deeply and I knew she loved me very much too, it would be unfair to think that the 90% did not also have love in their marriages, and I also had to wonder about how happy the remaining 10% really were, even though they were able to stay married.
In my situation, she would never admit to having anything like Bipolar or getting any formal diagnosis about it, which of course meant no treatment either. I had to think the divorce rate must be even higher than 90% for marriages where the Bipolar spouse is in denial (has “lack of insight” as it is called) about their condition. That was a very sobering thing to think about.
Despite all that, David is right to say it is an individual decision. Each couple and each relationship and each individual are different. There were factors in my relationship you may not have in yours, and vice versa. I completely understand why David or someone else may want to try again with a Bipolar partner, but it’s important to realize (as I know David does) that it would be a very difficult road to take, and may very well not work out as you would like it to.
I wish you the best. I would just say slow down, and give yourself more time to see what your fiance is really like in a variety of circumstances and over a longer period of time before you decide about marrying him.
Hello Bob,
Yes a divorce after 14 years. He has been legally separated for 2 years now. His divorce was going to be final. We no longer are getting married, because i called it off nor are we together anymore like I stated. Yes a red flag indeed. I think there is someone else. However he swears there is not. I told him not to contact me because I can not handle it. What does he do send an email here and there i will always love you too…Hope your doing well. Our love was and is real, but I think he can not handle what I can provide to him since his soon to be ex wife made him shut out the world because she did not want to hear about how depressed he was etc. He was just diagnosed 3 years ago. Honestly, I feel he took me for a fun ride, and then got board. He told me he did not think he could be with a women like me and i am out of his league.. and I deserve better. The challenge was not there anymore. No one has ever met his children before but me. He is very careful who comes around his kids as he should. But not giving me a reason as to just wanting to walk away knowing i was willing to work it out through his depression, he just shut me down. This is what makes me think there is someone else..It has only been 6 weeks since i called the wedding off and had him move out. I guess I just need to let him go and don’t try and make sence of what he is doing or have done. Good luck on the other women, the same thing will happen to her I am sure.
You are so very “on point” and correct !!!! I have been in the exact situation.. Bless you, you have helped ease the horrible guilt I deal with needing to let go of mentally ill siblings who refuse to help themselves. They have cost numerous thousands of dollars in private hospitals, destroyed homes, committed crimes etc… I can take no more.
Thank you to each of you who responded. He is out of the psych ward and staying at his Mom’s as of yesterday. I got machine gun texted last night…mostly negative things like I am a thief, a liar, a cheat etc. He calls me a thief because he feels I have taken his son from him. I have said repeatedly I am not doing that but his thought is visits will hurt too much; he only wants to live with his son. I feel awful. I know he loves our son as much as I do which is to say more than everything else in our lives combined. I feel so badly for him.
So, mostly negative texts which I tried to mostly not respond to.
His last two texts broke further my already shattered heart though:
Wish I was with my family.
and
Wish I had a family that wanted me.
Oh my God. He has no idea how I had wrestled with this decision…and still wrestle with it. I am torn between knowing our relationship was getting increasingly volatile and hateful and I do not want my son raised in that environment with also really really wishing we could be a peaceful family unit and raise our son in a happy home. I feel like I have failed our son and my significant other. My heart really turns over when I think about how all this is something he couldn’t even control. Makes me feel so extra sad. I also, selfishly, feel very sorry for myself. I wonder why this has become my lot. Just feeling overwhelmed with this I guess.
Hi Jill –
Although I can and have felt your kind of pain…. at least in my own way and in my own situation… please allow me to be blunt for a moment.
You say you are torn. Very understandable given the circumstances. But honestly, it does not matter – not even a little – how much you wish you could be a peaceful family and raise your son in a happy home. What matters now is that your boyfriend tried to kill himself the other night and you are very lucky he did it while your son was sleeping. Next time you may not be so lucky. What also matters now is all of the “hell” he is putting you through in many different ways, and the fact that he is just not likely to improve. And there’s a very good chance he may get worse. You have a choice to make. An important choice. If you choose to let your “I wish” feelings and emotions influence your decisions, you and your son may pay a very high price for such wishful thinking.
I myself wish that wishful thinking was enough to change a bipolar partner into someone it would have been possible to have a good relationship with. So many other people who have shared their stories also wished this with all their hearts. But no matter how much you love him and no matter how much you wish, he has a serious disease which has serious consequences – not just for him, but for you and your son too.
It is normal for you to feel sad and sorry for yourself. I did too. But at some point you need to, despite those feelings, take a hold of reality with both hands and stop avoiding it. In your case, an attempted suicide on his part seems to be a really good time to do that.
Hope this didn’t come across as too unsympathetic – I would just hate to see you make the wrong decisions at this critical time for you and your son.
hi Jill,
the best you can do is move forward with love in your heart.
The turmoil you’re going through is normal. It’s probably fair to say we’ve all been there. But the sad thing is that, as you’ve witnessed, your partner is going through things that neither you nor he can control.
Somehow you have to find a balance of protecting your son while remaining compassionate to your partner and respecting that he is having a horrendous time of things too. And at some stage, he will probably feel terrible about what has happened. He’s still human. But he’s not in a state that is safe to have around you or your son.
It’s ok to love him but know that right now, he’s not good for you or your son. As partners we’re a mix of lovers and friends. Right now, he needs you to be his friend. Support him from a distance and be strong enough to set those boundaries.
Don’t take his words to heart. And don’t hold them against him. His anger, his name-calling etc., … are an expected reaction given his current state. Just realise that this thing is beyond the control of you or your partner. He’s not choosing this.
But he does have to choose to want to control it. And all the anecdotal evidence suggests that starts with understanding the boundaries and consequences. It may take a few years for it to happen, but your partner needs to work on his own health in order to not adversely affect the health of you or your son. And the reality is, he needs his own space to do that.
I haven’t had to deal with a situation like yours, so I can only imagine what you must be feeling. But I have had my fair share of traumatic experiences and one thing I can say for certain is not to doubt yourself or waste time looking back over history: that will not change a thing. Only look back enough to learn the lessons. But don’t for one moment fool yourself into thinking that you ever had the power to control this. And if it’s not his fault, it sure as hell isn’t yours.
And yes, you are probably going to be hurting for a long time. You wouldn’t be human otherwise. But your life has to now hinge on other positive elements and not be dependent on your partner. You ALL need that.
Good luck and don’t hesitate to reach out to people.
Hi Jill,
be strong. I ‘m sorry for what you and your son are going through. I’m sorry for your man, cause , when I read what he said to you, I remember my father saying same things to my mum, who was a good wife and mother to sister and me for 39 years. But when mania occurred, it was just like you described.
Since he refuses medication and things got worse, it was our only duty to protect mum. Because after his attacks we had to bring her to emergency, she was loosing herself , panic attacks, and a lot time went by until SHE recovered.
So,
I almost lost both of them.
Now, she is better, they live separately, he has new girlfriend, which is my age , a junkie.
I don’t see him much, he doesn’t need us anymore, or his grandchildren, but I don’t blame him. I’m often very sorry for things gone that way, but what can we do ?
It’s our duty to live our lives as best as possible, keep on trying , persevering.
Be good, look after your child, look after you, I wish you best.
ljuba
I stumbled onto this site tonight because I am looking for support and community I guess. My live in boyfriend of 15 years is currently in a mental health facility as he tried to commit suicide in front of me three nights ago. This happened after our 5 year old child was in bed so thankfully he didn’t see it. He blames me fully for the attempt; he has been angry and dissatisfied with me for a long time but I think unwilling to leave because he loves our son with all his heart. (And he has always been a great dad.)
So, with this attempt (and there have been horrific fighting and many suicide threats before this) I have finally decided (after getting the opinions of several people and researching things online) that he cannot come back here to live. My main concern is a recurrence of this even in my home, possibly where my son will see it. (I cleaned up all the blood – and there was a lot- this past Saturday night after he was taken to the ER to be stitched up. I did not want my son to be traumatized.)
We have had a dysfunctional relationship for some time but, again, he does not want to not live with our son.
However, I visited him tonight in the hospital and, at the advice of one of the social workers there, I let him know he could not come back home here; he would have to go live with his mother. As you can imagine, it did not go well. (I was told after from a nurse that I never should have dropped a bombshell on him there while he’s recovering from a suicide attempt. But the social worked told me to do it and, honestly, it would have had to be done at some point or he would have come back here. Right?)
He raged at me for the rest of the hour visitation. He called me every name in the book:
stupid
oblivious
hateful
petty
witchy
fucking whore
fucking bitch
etc
He also said:
he wished i would get into a car accident on the way home
he hates me
I am the absolute worst thing that has ever happened to him
I never loved him
I don’t know how to love
I am a witchy mother to our son (who I am crazy in love with)
I will not be able to raise our son well; our son will end up hating me too
He never wants to speak to me again
He wants to forget I exist
etc
etc
For an hour. Seething hatred from a man who has always loved me (in our dysfunction I never would have thought I would ever hear him tell me he wants me dead or that he hates me.)
I am destroyed. He has no idea how torn up I was about telling him he can’t come back. I have to think first of my sweet little boy though.
Think with your head, not your heart, Jill.
Ugh.
I have lost my best friend of 15 years tonight. And I never felt physically fearful of him but now…I am scared of what could happen when he’s released.
I am heartsick, exhausted, spent, sad and constantly (already) thinking of all the things I will miss so much…and there are a lot. I also feel horribly guilty.
I don’t know how to get through this. I miss him so much already but I miss the man he was before the last several years. I have been missing that guy but hoping this newer version would revert back to the version I fell head over heels in love with.
And now he despises me. After 15 years.
I don’t know how to get through this. I am so fearful of everything.
Jill – so sorry to hear your story. It’s tough all round and there’s never going to be an easy way out of your situation.
But, for what it’s worth, I do believe that you have done the right thing by telling him when you did. There was never going to be a good time to do it. So you have to think about what’s best for your son. And you did that.
Bipolar is hard for anyone to deal with, let alone a child. Attempts at suicide would be even more scarring for your son.
You have done the right thing to protect him.
The reality is: sometimes life just sucks. You go into a situation with all the right intent and with an open heart. And you don’t know how it’s going to go. And then one day you realise that it’s not going the way you hoped or saw it going.
But you can’t change that. You can only control what happens right now in order to protect the future.
And I truly believe that by setting those boundaries for your partner and preventing your son seeing his father in that light, you’re also doing the right thing for both your partner and your son.
You’ll see from the numerous posts here that what you are going through with your partner is not uncommon. And you’ll come to realise that his reaction, anger and words are only to be expected.
It will be hard for you. And in a sadly ironic way, the emotions of sadness and regret will no doubt be overwhelming for you. But it will get easier. Somehow you will have to find the resolve to stick to your decision and let your partner know that you will not enable his behaviour and that you will not expose your son to it.
Of course, that’s all easier said than done. Just remember that it’s ok to be broken-hearted and to be confused, sad, disappointed and hurt – but also remember that you need to be strong enough to do the right thing for your son. This will not be an easy journey – but it will get easier and you are neither the first nor the last to go through this so don’t be scared to reach out for help.
Wishing you all the best.
Hi Jill –
I am sorry you are going through all of the pain you have described so clearly. It is a terrible situation to be in, however as David mentioned, I hope you can take some solace and encouragement in knowing you are not alone in having had to deal with this kind of heart-wrenching pain and feelings and emotions.
You absolutely made the right choice by telling him what you did when he was still in the hospital. I am sure the nurse had no idea really of what you had been through and did not really know your concerns about protecting your son from perhaps seeing another suicide attempt. You do need to protect him from that, so you are right to keep your boyfriend away from your son and you from now on. As terrible as it would be for the boy to know his father committed suicide, it would be so much worse for him to see it – even if the attempt was not successful like this last one.
You said you feel horribly guilty. You don’t need to, and should not, allow yourself to feel that way. A lot of us have felt guilt because we felt like somehow, some way, there may have been something more we could have done to “fix” our Bipolar partner. Or if we had only loved them more, or said something magical to them, all of their problems would have gone away or been cured. This is all wrong. It is an illness. It is not only probably out of his control, it is most definitely out of your control. So what you are feeling is false guilt. Don’t let that false guilt assault your conscience or heart any longer. Call it out for what it is and don’t give it any power over you any more. I am sure you have put up with a lot and done a lot for him for a long, long time, and now it is time to end the relationship. It hurts, it hurts a lot, it is not fair… but it is what it is… and the very best thing for you to do now for your son and you is to recognize that and stick to your guns in your decision to keep him away from the two of you.
You may even consider trying to get a protective order since you seem concerned for your own safety and perhaps that of your son. I am not a lawyer, but based on all you said, you may want to look into that. In my case, I was much bigger and stronger than my Bipolar ex-fiancee, but in your case, I could understand why you are scared about what might happen when he is released.
You are understandably focusing a lot on the fact that you have spent 15 years with him. Although this is very understandable, now that you know what you know about him and who he is today (and is likely to continue to be for a very long time), may I suggest you gradually try to shift from looking back like that, to looking forward to the good things that WILL happen in your life if you now follow the path you have described, which is away from him and all of his hurtful and damaging words and attitudes and actions, and toward a better future. You know you don’t deserve to be treated the way he has been treating you. You deserve to be loved and respected and happy.
It is going to be difficult to make the changes you need to make, but you CAN and WILL get through this – by taking it one day at a time – looking forward more than you look back – trying not to take his very hurtful words and actions too personally because they are a result of his illness – and being thankful you now have the clarity of understanding of the (sad) reality of the situation so you can take the proper actions you are now taking for you and your son.
Just take one day at a time Jill, and things WILL get easier and better as time goes by.
I am right now in the process of leaving a painful bipolar/schizophrenia denial girlfriend, it is very difficult especially with a 4 year old angel caught in between. But yeah I’ve had hopes after she ran away with him for more then 2 months when he was just 2. Crazy stuff then after almost a year she came back like nothing happened and I fell for it thinking we could rebuild just to face 5 months later medication stop then she slipped in depression and hear ‘I see you too much’. You can imagine the damage on a young child and seeking help for him is not easy in my country (Belgium), you need both parent’s approval so you go in circles.
It is true, we can give as much as we can to help but then again, you’ll get pain back and see your child confused.
I decided to stop my suffering to be there for my son (we share a week each), too much pain, to much sadness, too much lost as seeing her completely flip, if I continue to help her the social services will not notice here’s something seriously wrong, that is how I can help her, by leaving her completely by herself so that society will notice and bring help for my son and her.
I’ve cut all contacts, no mails, no phones, not text, blocked facebook and skype.
I see it coming bit by bit already, she’s hyper now so all is good until she’ll get the bailiff come again to her flat, next time might be the start of her going downward.
I have to hold on away from her for my own sake, my son’s and her own.
Denial is the worst of the illness.
Courage to others, Olivier
Hi Olivier –
Just wanted to tell you that you’ve got my sympathy and support as you deal with all you are dealing with. it seems to me you have thought it out pretty well and seem to know what you need to do, and why, in your particular situation. I hope your strategy works for the sake of your son and for you and your girlfriend.
I agree that Denial is one of the worst parts of this illness. This “lack of insight,” as they call it, makes someone literally unable to see how they are creating a terrible and unsustainable situation for themselves and their loved ones. It helps to try to remember that many with Bipolar (and from the sound of it, your girlfriend too) are simply not able to see their own condition or understand how it is affecting others.
There is a silver lining to knowing that, however, which is that it helps us understand why they can’t understand, if that makes sense. It also helps, to some degree, to remove the “personal” aspect of it – meaning that it can help you understand that her unreasonable words and behavior are not, in a sense, really against you personally, but she does these things and then continues to do them (despite their harmful effects on herself and others) because of her illness and her lack of ability to see the damage she is causing to herself and others.
I don’t mean to say she has no responsibility to try to control herself and improve her behavior, but not having Bipolar myself, I think its far better to let God be the judge of whether or not she (my ex-fiancee in my case) was personally culpable at all (and if so, how much) for her extremely damaging words and attitudes and behavior – damaging and painful not only to me, but also having significantly damaging and painful and negative effects for her and her son. I am quite certain that God will be a far, far better judge of all that than I could ever be. :)
It’s also good to remember that despite your girlfriend’s behavior, she may very much love you and very much want to have a peaceful and good relationship with you, but she is just not able to do it because of her Bipolar, and she may not even be able to be aware of how she is making things so extremely unbearable for you and your son – and yes even for her. It is a tough thing to have to come to grips with, but the fact is, she may not ever be able to be self-aware enough to even admit she has Bipolar, which of course means (in her mind) she would have no reason to seek to get help or treatment. That was the situation with my ex-fiancee, and for many others too.
Good luck to you Olivier, and be strong through all this – trying not to take her words and behaviors too personally – for the sake of your son as well as for you and your girlfriend.
Wow, this is a very helpful website, thank you for that. Back in March I moved in with someone who asked me to, as my tenancy had expired across town. I got welfare help for the costs of moving and thought I knew enough about the woman I planned to move in with to make it work. She made it clear that her household would be kind, relaxed and warm. From the moment I moved in, she started with constant questioning, it became exhausting. I started to resent her constant intrusions after just two days she blew up at me. Then every two days after that she would blow up at me and then state that she “thinks this sharing was a bad idea” when the only person making trouble or being negative was herself. I began staying in my room to avoid her and she saw this as another reason to attack me “you are such a child”. Nothing I said registered with her, she was attacking, unreasonable, negative, judgemental and I was at my wits end, so I rang the local CAT team for advice. They were neither helpful, nor sympathetic. They asked me to get my housemate to talk to them and then told her everything I had said. She flew into a total rage at me and kicked me out with one hours notice. She locked me out and wouldn’t let me get my stuff while trying to keep charging me rent and bond. I was out on the street, and that mad type woman was sitting pretty with my stuff and I had only just paid rent. That was in March 2015, and now in June i got a lawyer to call her because a ruling was made that she had to give access and not dispose of my property, she was still totally rubbishing me to the lawyer and as I heard her speak to him on the phone, my head started to spin. It was a perfectly horrible, disastrous, soul destroying event that I ever set foot in her door. The worst thing was, that she is highly educated, so she was able to take me apart piece by piece using “psychology talk”. Bottom line, it cost me a lot of money and she is still stuck in her rut, without her business and without any “real” friends, because if it had of been up to me, I was a friend and would have made sure she got the help she needs, everyone else enables her and lets her do what she likes. She would never consider me a friend or respect me, as she doesn’t see me as her equal, this is her greatest failing, as if no-one will stand up to her and expect her to get help, she will just lose every person who cares. I feel sorriest for her family, as her nephew told her to stay away from him and his mother on Facebook. I am left to pick up the pieces of my life and try to get my “happy” back. She has Bipolar and now a carer for a person with dementia, but is only doing it so she can get the flat off the relative when they die. I sincerely hope that person with dementia has their own advocate, as who is going to look out for their welfare while my ex-friend is looking after them. Seriously, I will just glad to be washing my hands of the whole thing, as, likey you say, it is self preservation and I have to put myself first now, to be responsible for myself.
As the mother of a beloved 49 year old daughter afflicted with Bipolar, I hurt to read this awful comment. It’s loaded with judgements that display a gross lack of understanding of Bipolar. What a burden such comments place on those afflicted with this terrible illness. To say that she only wants the old woman’s money, is such a common misunderstanding when a BP person cares for another who may well have big assets. I’ve faced such outrageous nonsense from those who’ve perceived my daughter in a similar way. Such perceptions also place dreadful burdens on Bipolar sufferers. Yes. The outward display of this woman’s illness rings very true. And, so do the judgements. Yes. It’s terribly painful to be on the receiving end of Bipolar, but do remember this. Bipolar IS Bipolar and within all people I know who live with it, there is a beautiful person. No one, not the BP sufferer nor their loved ones need such weighty loads of ignorance placed on their backs.
Suzanne you raise a good point about the need for people not to generalise or discriminate. And I also agree that (from personal experience) truly beautiful people can be bipolar. Which I guess is part of what makes this condition suck so much.
In fairness to Undergrad, I don’t see so many judgements, more of a retelling of their own individual experience. I like that, even though it sounds like Undergrad had a crappy time of it all , he / she hasn’t cast any broad-sweeping aspersions or judged all bipolar people.
But you do raise a good question: is Undergrad’s statement re. the intent to gain the flat based on suspicion or an actual statement that was made at some point?
WOW! It sounds like you had a pretty hard time of it.
The key thing that jumps out here is that when you’re dealing with someone as unreasonable and volatile as she was / is you have to realise that it’s going to be a tough road trying to help them. And you have to realise that you can’t save them. They have to realise that they need help. So with that in mind, you have to be very clear in your own mind as to what is your investment in them and why. In this instance, alarms bells would have been ringing as soon as I felt the need to avoid her by hiding in my room: that doesn’t sound like the kind, relaxed and warm environment you thought you were moving into. Especially when you’re just renting a room from her with no other personal ties.
Secondly, it sounds like you need to call the SWAT team on that CAT team! ;P
All joking aside, I think a formal complaint is in order to make management aware of a complete breach of trust and the resulting impact on you of their poor approach to helping you.
Stories like this are a good reminder of the fact that every person is unique, regardless of mental disorders. I’m lucky that my ex was nothing at all like this ‘stereotype’ crazy. That said, I wonder if this woman you talk about has some other issues going on? And also you have to bear in mind that even without the bipolar, she could just be a nasty piece of work – i.e. is the mental disorder the CAUSE or simply an AMPLIFIER of her nasty streak?
Good to hear that you are on the path to getting your life back to stable and happy again. Do you think it’s worth passing on your experience to her employers just as a precaution to ensure she doesn’t behave the same way with the person she’s supposed to be caring for?
I’m not exactly sure this is where I should be posting, but I’ll give it a go. I’m new in my diagnosis, about 6 weeks or so, and I feel like I’ve lost a grip on a number of things. My wife of nearly 8 years has been in and out of hospitals with multiple surgeries, but I’ve been there. When I was diagnosed with BP, I noticed a change in her. I feel like I’m under a microscope, and any reaction that I have is, in her opinion, unnecessary. We have 2 small children, and since I was diagnosed, there have been multiple times that she has threatened to leave or stated that she wanted me out. I’m at a loss as to what to do. I haven’t been on my meds very long, so I may need to tweak the levels with my psychiatrist. Has anyone else with bipolar experienced a similar experience? It feels counterproductive to my treatment, and it makes me feel unstable at home. I don’t know what to do at this point, she says that she’s tired of the rollercoaster that we are on. I try to assure her that it may get better with the proper levels of medication, but that I need her to be as patient as I was when she was recovering from surgeries. I even asked if I were in a wheelchair, would she be saying these things, and she said it was a different situation. I think that she sees me as broken somehow, and she keeps telling me she misses the “old” me. Does anybody have advise, or can relate in any way?
Hi RT, The issues with a marriage with a bp spouse is not a lot different than every other marriage – just more intense. I would suggest you ask her exactly how you’ve hurt her. This will require an inordinate amount of humility and patience on your part, but it’s what she needs – to be heard, to know you care. More often than not, a spouse of someone with bipolar often feels attacked because one of the common symptoms of bp is paranoia and irrational mood swings. The person closest to you is likely the one to whom you express that irrational paranoia and anger. We all do it, but again, it’s just more extreme with bipolar disorder. That doesn’t mean you’re a terrible person or that you don’t deserve patience and loyalty…. just that she feels overwhelmed. I doubt she perceives you as damaged goods so much as she’s just emotionally exhausted and perhaps feeling like her feelings don’t matter to you. Sometimes it’s even simpler… those with bp go long stretches being hyper active, sleeping little, etc….. it’s exhausting trying to keep up. Also, someone with bp often has such intense emotions, their spouse feels like they must always subjugate their own feelings so their spouse won’t get upset. I can’t tell you what your wife is experiencing, but I do know she’s said she can’t handle the emotional roller coaster. That tells me you’re not completely stable yet. It takes time, and that’s normal, but she’s feeling exhausted. If you try to make her feel guilty for not standing by you, you’re validating her fear that HER feelings don’t matter – only your own. Please don’t view my comments as being critical. They aren’t meant to be. Just trying to provide insight into what she’s going through. If she didn’t love you, she wouldn’t be on the emotional roller coaster with you – she’d have already jumped ship. She just wants both of you to get off that darn coaster and live a more peaceful life. Reassure her you are working to make that happen. That’s just my opinion – the only one that knows for sure is your wife – so ask and be patient. Good luck!
RT, I believe Lori has given you great advice. Ask your wife how together u can find a safe comforting solution to your issue…I was diagnosed in 1996 when they new far less than now. I have been married 39 years and my husband has been there through it all. Another thing Lori mentioned is that it does indeed take approx 1to 2weeks for the medicine to even out, or you may find you may need a med change.Answer all your wife’s questions as best u can and u will make it through…Jan
Thank you Tabby, I will look it up.
I may have sounded very one sided, but I am still in a venting stage. She’s my fiance because I proposed to her. We had a child because we feel in love and wanted to. I have this bad habit of only mentioning what I’m mad about when I’m angry. I’ve learned to not take anything she says personally when she gets manic. I just hit my limit this last week.
I still love her, I just think I’m not doing her any good. I’m a lousy carer. I make her too comfortable to where she doesn’t have to do anything and can’t say no to her. Last year, when she was put on a hold in the er I brought her home and told her that I was done and I wouldn’t put up with it anymore. By it I don’t mean the bipolar, I mean the deciding that she doesn’t need meds cause things are going well with the meds. She made so many promises to get out of the hospital and has broken every one since. My brain keeps going back to a scenario where she is coming home and we work it out, but honestly, it scares me and I really don’t want to do it.
She’s an amazing person and three times the parent I am when she is stable, but in the last 3-4 years, I count how many “stable episodes” she’s had on two hands and they never last more than two weeks. I know she can do it. There’s no doubt in my mind that she’ll come around and be better for herself and our kids, I just don’t think it’s gonna happen with me.
I really appreciate this forum, my friends don’t understand and her friends are few and far between. Thank you again for creating this forum, it still feels really good to not be the only one.
589 Comments later….
I have Bipolar and depending on which psychiatrist or diagnostician I see.. I can have anything from Bipolar NOS to Bipolar I. I’m mentally ill, nonetheless.
I bang my head, over and over repeatedly, on forums for which the “others” to Bipolar sufferers get on board and 500+ comments or so later… go on and on of how the ones with Bipolar have ruined their lives, destroyed their livelihoods, affected and effected their happiness, etc.
Now… momma Tabby turns the tables on you but in a loving but frank way.
YOU are responsible for YOU and any children you have as a product of any relationship you have had or are having with another human being. Okay? So, you and any children you created.. are YOUR only responsibility.
Reads simple, huh? and really, it is that simple.
Read up on 2 things, my dears: 1) Personality Disorders and 2) Behavioral Therapy
You may learn a great deal, just by researching – googling – and inquiring about those 2 main things right there.
See, Momma Tabby has Bipolar but Momma Tabby is trying to help ya’ll.
Now… here is where it may get a bit uncomfortable, a little itchy: In your misery, cause most of what I’ve read over 588 comments, is misery… where do YOU contribute to your misery? Cause ya do.
Now I know… ya don’t. You are innocent, the Bipolar person mowed you down and keeps mowing you down, etc. I get it but you are wrong and you refuse, most of you anyway, to see it.
Where or more importantly, in what way do YOU contribute to your own misery in your situation?
Again… lets’ go back to the simple. You are responsible only for you and any children you create.
Now… again, where or more importantly, in what way do YOU contribute to your own misery? Think about it. Stop and think about it. Don’t take blame or guilt… just try to see where you play your part.
I can think of one possibility, failure to set boundaries and follow through with them. Or, in other words – failure to set ground rules, name consequences for the breaking of rules and then following through with those consequences when the rules are broken.
For example: You don’t approve of cheating. So, in the beginning of your relationship you told the other that you didn’t do it, you don’t approve of it, you don’t deal with it, etc. and if ever, you’d leave in a 2 finger snap and a swish… or something like that (trying to add some levity).
and then say, your Bipolar other…. bounces all over town….
uhm, did you finger snap, swish and let the door hit your rear as you exited? Most likely not and so, learned behavior ensued. I can cheat and my spouse, partner, so, etc. will take me back over and over.
In the early stages of the disorder (cause sometimes, the disorder comes later)… did you give an ultimatum of “either take the pills or I’m out of here.”
and when the Bipolar other didn’t follow through on treatment… did you “out of here?”? Again, most likely not.
Learned behavior again…. I can go off my treatment at any time and so and so will stand right with me and not leave.
Don’t put your own lives behind or that of your kid’s lives… yes, we are sick and we are in need of help from loved ones and there are many of us who have personality disorders and learned behaviors that make us most difficult to deal with much less live with…. but we are human and we are worthy of love and attention, just as you are..
but don’t set aside your lives and your self-worth to solely save and rescue…
Nicely put. But don’t forget there are some with BP who will not behave “reasonably” because their illness takes away some of their capacity to reason. *However*, IMO, that is no reason for a carer to, as you put it so well, “set aside your lives and your self-worth to solely save and rescue.” (And I’m saying that as one with BP, not as a carer.)
Hi everyone,
Thank you for this site. I’ve been looking for help on this for a long time.
I have a fiancé who has Bi-polar, is manic depressive and has ptsd.
She is abusive when manic and when she;s not manic, she;s severely depressed. I’ve had to call PERT (Psychological emergency response team) twice in the last two years of our 8 year relationship. The kids and I are miserable since she does nothing but sit on her tablet and complains about whatever physical or psychological ailment she is feeling that week (or sometimes day). It’s something different depending on the day or situation, but always something.
I don’t talk to my friends anymore, I’m physically disabled (four slipped discs two years ago that my doctor believes has pinched nerves in my neck) and abruptly stopped seeking medical attention due to her overwhelming need for me to handle everything in the house. I have one child with her, my youngest is 4, and my daughter, who is 9. They are both slowly changing and becoming moody, I see it in my daughter the most who is showing signs of low self esteem. She’s been through a lot with her last mom and my fiancé was exactly what she needed when I met her, but now it’s not looking so good. I am so tired and my back is always killing me, my arms and legs are going numb at random and my blood pressure is getting higher with each year that passes.
We lost our apartment that we shared with my mom last year. Granted, that’s a hard situation to be in no matter what disorder you have or don’t have, but it was really bad. At the end of the year she was stuck in the bedroom and wasn’t going out of the house except to do laundry at her mom’s. She went in and out of a pain pill addiction and the only way I was able to stop it was to not have them in the house (meaning I couldn’t take what was perscribed to me) and I had to give her the ultimatum of the pills or her family. Her mom takes a bunch of different medications for pain and several medical issues and used to be a nurse. She often diagnoses My fiancé and has raised her on medications treating any and all discomforts she has had for most of her life. This still happens now.
After I called Pert, she went to a hospital for two days. She was talking to me everyday telling me that they weren’t feeding her and that she was just sitting and staring at the wall. I was concerned for her and after several phone calls of her crying and begging, I let her come home. She promised to get better and seek help (as she always done when I threaten to leave her), and things in our life (outside of our relationship) got worse. After losing my job is when I found out about my medical problems, I tried to go to school (and failed because I was cleaning, feeding and nurturing her and our two kids by myself.) I have to be careful about how I look (or don’t look) at her. She’s constantly telling me I don’t love her or I’m ignoring her. Any look I give her has these underlying meanings that sometimes I just can’t fathom. She requires that I tickle her back (sometimes for hours) before she can go to sleep. I can’t play video games in front of her and I have finally (in the last year) started persuing a new career, but while I need to be spending a good work week’s worth of hours on it, she can’t handle more than a few days of me being busy.
So we had to move into my grandpa’s house and live in the living room. It’s tight quarters, but everyone is family and they all love us and we all get along.
The problem is, like everyother place we have lived, including our own house where it was just us and the kids, she slowly falls into this depressive and lethargic state where she is sad and nothing can make her happy. We are there now. Last month she decided to stop taking her meds and got crazy happy for two weeks. I was immediately scared and warned her that it was not a good idea and that there was going to be a crash. She insisted that her pysch doctor was ruining her life and this was the only way for her to get it back. I let her know that respected her not wanting to be over medicated, but that quitting everything cold turkey was not the right way to go about it. For almost three weeks now she has been so depressed that she doesn’t talk, doesn’t care and repeatedly goes from “I should commit myself”, to “I just want to die”. In the last three weeks or so, she has repeatedly expressed that she feels death is the only way out and that she doesn’t even know if the kids are worth not doing it anymore. It got so bad that last week, all I did was sit next to her touching her and not talking because that was the only thing to do to keep her from crying or lashing out.
Three days ago, we (her mom and I) had a heart to heart with her about the last month and she admitted that I only thought she was getting better because she was not telling me everything. She agreed to do a walk in appointment only because she is now getting Ritalin from her mom and says that helps. This is after taking them for a few days in a row after all the meds she went off of last month. I tried to tell her it’s really hard to tell if something works that fast and that this may just be another desperate attempt to fix everything with a pill.
I couldn’t get a walk in appointment and everyone I talked to (at least 12 adifferent clinics in our area) said that she needed to be admitted or see a doctor in the er. It took a while of convincing her that going didn’t mean being admitted, but she seemed to be coming around. Her ultimate andswer was no and by this point I was so tired and sick of this all, I told her I was going to call pert and have her escorted there. She stuck to her guns, begged me not to call, but I did since she wasn’t budging. The cops came and completely changed her attitude and was fine. She wasn’t being mean or ridiculous, she talked to them civilly (which she was unable to do with me once she found out that I was determined for her to go get help that day) and told them she would come with us and they agreed not to take her. So of course, when they left she snapped out of it (or back into it?) and refused to go, it took about two hours before she finally got into the car. She bashed me the whole way there calling me names and attacking me with low blows that only someone who knows me could really hit deep with plenty of salt. We got there and started talking to the liason in the er and with me sitting there, she started giving half truths. I tried to make sure that the doctor knew she was painting a picture and my fiancé gave me the dagger eyes (that anyone with a female partner knows well). The doctor was plite and understanding and empathetic to her feelings. They asked us to leave so they could talk in private and we gave them twenty minutes. We get back and they are all done and she has her discharge papers in hand. Appaerantly they talked and the liason said (my fiances description) that she would have admitted her, but since she was willing to do the walk in (which they gave her) that she was ok to go.
During the day, she had called me a bunch of names, attacked my self esteem,insulted my daughter, broke our phone,ripped papers out of her moms hands while telling her to shut up, greatly insulted my whole family, one member in particular calling him my weird retard uncle and only apologized when I told her I was taking the kids home and asked her to give me a few days. I just let her know that I was angry and didn’t want to do or say anything stupid. The day after tomorrow I am supposed to meet her down at her moms house to attend her appointment. I told her I would try to be there, but my daughter has school and I cant just leave her here (since everyone in the house has a job to do and someone to look after) and wouldn’t want to pull her from school to have to go through any of this. Like I said, she;s been through enough after her real mom suffered from drug addiction and spiraled out of control leaving me no choice but to gain custody for her safety.
Of course I love her, it’s been 8 years. It would be really hard to live with and care for someone for 8 years and not love them. But I don’t like her. I resent her. She is able to switch off her moods long enough to get out of public eye and then be a basket case to me and the kids. Right now, her mom is increasingly trying to convince me that she is really coming to some realizations right now and changing before her eyes and that finding help doesn’t happen over night and that its only been 8 years. This is the first forum I’ve found that actually makes me feel like what I want (or don’t want) is justified. It’s only been about two days and already I love my life without her so much more. It’s going to be harder sure, all of our cash aid and medical and food stamps are in her name. I work at home and have to make an appointment for an mri, ct scan and an ekg (or something) to see if there is a tumor in my head or not. The last mri was more than a year ago and my doctor wants to be sure based on my symptoms.
So here I am, in all of this and I’m still just worried about how its going to affect her. I already know what I need to do, I’ve know for most of our relationship that its not going to work. Not based on her illness, but more so her inability to make smart decisions for herself that effect everyone around her.
Sorry my post is so long, I’ve only ever talked about this with two different counselors (my own) who both immediately told me to get out. I feel so guilty because of the fact that she can turn around and cry and beg for me to stay and snap out of it when I threaten to leave. In 8 years she has done this several times and it just makes me think if she is able to do it when at rock bottom, or when a cop shows up, why can’t she just go scream into a pillow or something and put on that charade of wellness for the kids?
I feel like she’s playing me for an idiot, thinks I’m not worth the trouble or just plain cant control her mouth and/or body. Either way, it’s killing me. I feel like I’m dying and I;m only 32. Yes I have some medical problems, but since we moved in with my grandpa and she started spending about 4 days a week at her moms with me here, I dread when it’s time for her to come home. I don’t want to look at her, talk to her, much less kiss her and pet her. I feel like everyone around me (apart from my mother, father and brother who I can talk to about it) feels like I haven’t given it enough time and that I need to be patient and keep trying. They are all saying that it is not her fault and losing my support is worse than if I had made a face and left when she first had the slightest episode. She’s not even the type of person to appreciate what I have tried to do for her, so it has literally all been my own brain fighting the currents here.
On a side note, some of the posts here are really angry or (bible-pushingly) aggressive. I have a friend of 20+ years that has some serious social issues. Like, he’s a grown man and will take off in a random direction if you say that he made you mad. I still talk to him and love him like my own blood brother. The bottom line here is that if your not happy with your life, you gottado something about it and don’t be like me and wait forever cause believe me, I waited way to long and it is so much harder now than it would have been even a few months ago when I might have decided to split in the midst of the chaos.
Thanks for reading, I can’t say I feel better since I haven’t done anything about it yet, but I appreciate that I’m not alone in dealing with this and I look forward to a better life from here on no matter what happens.
Look up Borderline Personality Disorder. Many with Bipolar also have Borderline Personality Disorder. When one has both; it’s not good. Guess what… the Personality Disorder is the thing steering the ship and the Personality Disorder cannot be fixed with pills.
As ugly as this is going to read: You set this whole scenario up for yourself because you didn’t set boundaries in the beginning and you didn’t follow through. She ran through them and you retreated.
What folks seemingly do not seem to understand is their part, their contribution, to their misery. This entire situation is NOT all on her shoulders.
She has her mom, who seemingly feels right to medicate her at whim… she is not even your legal wedded spouse (unless you are “common law”, but, you call her your fiance) and though she a mother to your child (why?)… and depending upon your state’s laws, you may not even have legal obligations to her.
I have Bipolar I. Not ALL with Bipolar do, act, react, respond, or behave as all others with Bipolar.
Look at where you contributed to the misery you are in… create boundaries and hold them, follow through with them. Put yourself front and center; she has her mom and herself. Put your kids; front and center as well.
Look at where you contributed to the situation, you are in… and then decide to change it.
I have recently left the love of my life. we have been together for over two years. I moved into his home after his house burnt down. Him and I cleaned everything, worked for months day and night. When the work stopped toward winter he changed. I was the love of his life.. from what he had said. It began with I had gained weight. Then went to I needed a job which I had been insulating the house and working on it while he worked. I got a job and then it was my 12 yr old took $12 off his table. The value didn’t make the difference and althogh it was not ok in my mind the consequence was that he built me my own bedroom and was sent to it. Thereafter each time I misbehaved I was sent here. I never spoke back. We lived walking on eggshells. His 21 yr old daughter hated me but would have hated anyone in her fathers life. It got to the point of being threatened the locks would be changed. I could or could not bring my boys home. They are 12 and 14. They lived in their room quietly. I found a bug in my car a few months ago and recordings on his computer. The phone was tapped as well. He accused me of lieing all the time. I never lied. He tried to convince me that I was a pathological liar and a narcissist. I am neither. I had to get a restraining order and leave. He put my things outside under a tarp, ironically a year after the fire where his things were while I tried to clean them. I have been gone for over two weeks I got my things. His daughter is feeding off his anger and of course his behavior is my fault. She has no idea how ill he is. He takes lithium and klonipon. I fear for him as he has seemed to have snapped. This is not the man I fell in love with. I don’t understand how he can justify his hatred and turning me evil in his mind. I have done nothjng but try and help him. I am so hurt, its destroying me. More so because I’ve done nothing wrong but love him. I’ve not spoken to him. Do you think he will comeback in his mind and realize what he has done to me?
This is very sad. I was listening to a lady who’s husband got sick with a serious addiction and she tried to help him. To them it appears like interference, it is best to Let Go and Let God. She said she received a message about a person trapped under a rock from an earthquake. The person had to cut their arm off to release themselves. This analogy was that our partners feel like part of us and it’s hard to let go and leave them. It is not good for us to hang on, we need to find our sanity and keep ourselves safe. Will he ever get better, mine never did, but I did. I am the one God wanted to rescue. Keep true to you. They will blame you as it is a smokescreen for their illness. Keep away from it and people will see it is not you. Just pray they will find the knowledge of God’s will for their life. In the meantime, it is you that needs rescuing. You are not abandoning him as our Higher Power brings others who are stronger than us and more detached into their lives. You step aside and love yourself. Bless you.
thank you Sally. I am just having a very hard time with this. I kniw I have done the right thing in leaving but it hurts so much. I’ve never had to leave someone I love And I can not find anger… just hurt. I pray it gets easier. It feels as though he has died.
Dear Michelle
What you feel is right. He has died. The sickness has taken hold. The grief is immeasurably painful. My heart is feeling your pain. I have felt it myself and never want to feel it again. Make a list up of ten things that will make you happy right now. You may have to do the whole ten things before your mind feels better. Your body will also feel deep grief as well as your mind. I experienced this and was shocked. My mind was healing but my body was another entity entirely. This will pass so keep yourself safe. Wrap yourself up in a duvet, play good fun music, not country and western. Eat chocolate, watch comedies, read spiritual material. Enjoy your single girlfriends, go dancing. Have a list of phone numbers you can call by your phone that will listen to you at any time. Send back those ugly feelings to him. sometimes we are feeling their feelings. I had an amazing experience when he came to visit and when he left I got immense grief and I went to pray and cry by my bed. The still small voice said ‘These are his feelings, send them back.’ I did and a miracle happened, the horrible deep pain left me. I have experienced this many times. I have my own pain, I don’t need to carry theirs. God Bless.
It is so true that it is as if they have died – especially if the relationship did not end because you were no-longer in love with them. Which is why I think Bereavement Counselling was helpful. And, as with bereavement, you have to accept that the grief will take a long time to subside. There is nothing you can do to speed that up, other than to focus on finding new positives in your life. This doesn’t mean looking for someone else but just enjoying the simple basic pleasures of life and taking one step at a time.
Don’t doubt yourself. Life can just be hard sometimes and things don’t always go the way we want them to. It just sucks.
But it DOES get getter. Slowly but surely. Hang in there – sALLY has given some great advice for getting through this.
David is correct. I think there are several stages to grief recovery. You are in the early stages, anger will come as well. Remember these are only strong feelings, do not act on them. I learnt a good word in my days of grief, I wanted to run him over – I didn’t try. Then I thought about taking out the feelings on myself. At railway crossings etc. I put the handbrake on and the car in park. These feelings can be very severe. Remember the word INACTION. Do nothing and cuddle up in a duvet. Ensure you don’t get Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired. Don’t get into the booze. This will take its course. I remember Isaiah 43: 1-6. You will not be drowned. You have been caught in a bad situation and are getting to put your feet on solid ground again. You will still be in the metaphorical swamp, so be careful with yourself like a new born babe. God bless. We care for you.
Hi Michelle –
To answer your question, sorry, but I really do not think he will come back in his mind and realize what he has done to you, or to your boys or anyone else for that matter. I believe that if you keep hoping he will, or try to “fix” him, you are in for a long and losing battle and a lot more pain and disappointment and difficulty for you and your boys. It’s not a good idea to try to push a big heavy boulder uphill, and in my opinion that is what you would be doing.
He is not seeing or recognizing or appreciating your love for him. Don’t think your love for him is going to change him or make him “wake up” one day and appreciate you and your love. I thought that way and tried that – it didn’t work – and so have many others you can read about here. You need to move on to someone who will be able to see and appreciate the beauty of you and your love and who can love you back in the way you need to be loved.
In my opinion you need to get yourself and your boys out of that very unhealthy situation ASAP. Look forward, not back, to that someone who will appreciate and love you, and you will find them, probably sooner than you think. Give it time though, don’t rush it, and do take one day at a time. Time really is on your side, and time is a very powerful ally. Good luck to you.
Dear Michelle
Bob is so right. Besides that, he understands a sick man’s brain. Women don’t always understand a man’s thinking.
I went through the same false hope. It’s like hanging onto a straw in a wild ocean. Michelle needs to refocus and understand her husband needs a woman to blame, until he finally ruins the new one emotionally as well.
Listen to Bob Michelle. I know. I went through that awful, destructive pain. Find yourself a support group that helps you work through this massive mud puddle. You won’t be able to do it alone. Your husband sees you as a hanger on and doesn’t want to deal with your emotional slop (in his eyes). You get well and make him jealous. If he did get well, we don’t want you left behind, now do we!
Thank you for your posts on this topic and for sharing your experiences. They really helped me in a moment of need.
I have been through hell for the last 6 months. My wife has been diagnosed for a couple of years. I never made her work because of the stress until 6 months ago. After she started work it wasn’t a month she started having an affair telling me that she didn’t love me anymore and that we wanted different things out of life. She started drinking a lot too. Then after almost 2 months the young boy left her for his old girlfriend and she came back in like a depression telling me she made a mistake and she really loved me and wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. It went ok for about 3 months except she never stopped drinking. Then she did it again with another young boy. It is still going on now for about 4 weeks. she will call me every once and a while and tell me how she has made a mess of things then I might not hear from her for another week. I have just quit trying to contact her at all. Its just hard to see someone you have been with for 18 years do this to their self. I love her so much. I just wonder if she will ever wake up and realize what she is doing. We have 2 kids. I just want to help her so much.
Eric – sorry to hear about your plight. The reality is: you’re not alone. Which although sad is a great help because you have the benefit of people’s past experiences. And the reality is, most of those who have shared your torment have come to the same conclusion: you can not help her. She has to come to the realisation that she wants to help herself. Anything that you try to do to help her see that will most likely be interpreted as you simply trying to control her. And she will probably be stubborn as hell about it! (Hands up anyone else who has noticed this about their bipolar partners?! :P )
It’s not about who’s right or wrong. It’s simply about the fact that she only seems to want you while she has no better options – until her mood changes and then will happily turn her back on you and your family in a most destructive way. Of course, things are never that black and white but you have to look at the basic outcomes / behaviour. I know that sounds harsh – I’m just trying to be cruel to be kind.
You can not allow that to continue. You can not reward it. And you can not let your children copy the example that she sets (even though you may THINK that you are teaching them that this is wrong, the reality is, deep down, they will see that this behaviour is acceptable to you). You need to do what is right for all 4 of you. It’s best for her to have good rules set as to what is / is not acceptable behaviour in your relationship. It’s good for you to not have to deal with such hurtful actions. And it’s good for your children not to have to witness her behaviour or have the insecurity of ‘where’s Mummy’ or ‘why isn’t she here’ or ‘is it something that we did’ etc., …
Good luck and be strong, Eric.
I know this is true. I am trying to just distance my self from her but I am having to make myself do this. It is so hard to see her like this but I know until she wants help or hits bottom she will not do nothing but hurt me more. David thanks for the reply it helps to get peoples opinion and just to have someone to relate to about this. Thanks to everyone that has posted things on here.
Hi Eric –
I don’t need to tell you this, but you are in a really tough spot. It’s really, really tough to love someone so much and to want to help them so much, but at the same time to know you can’t make them change, or even want to change, or even admit they have a problem… whether it’s Bipolar or alcoholism or anything else. And then to see them repeat the same kinds of destructive behavior is simply heart-breaking. As you probably know, addictions (such as alcohol) and sexual affairs are both hallmarks of Bipolar Disorder. Of course not all Bipolar people engage in these risky and destructive behaviors, but enough do that they are always listed as typical Bipolar behaviors.
Chances are quite high she will continue to repeat these behaviors, perhaps for a very long time, so you need to decide if you can put up with those things (and whatever other difficulties there are) or not. As Dave said, you also have the added complication of two children to think about. I wish there was some magic pill or advice I could give you to make it all go away and to cure her, but of course there just isn’t. Perhaps the best thing you can do now is figure out how to minimize the damage she can do to 1) your kids, 2) you, and 3) herself, in that order, both short-term and long-term. For legal reasons you may want to document any evidence of her destructive behavior so that can be taken into consideration by any judges or outside decision-makers that may need to get involved.
I sympathize with you, buddy. Many of us have been through similar challenges with our Bipolar partners.
Don’t blame yourself for these problems you and your children and your wife are facing. It’s not your fault. You need to take stock of the entire situation in as non-emotional a manner as you can, being as realistic as you can about everything.
I will echo what Dave said… good luck, and be strong. You need to be, for your sake and your children’s.
Dear Eric
You might profit from reading Toby Rice Drews books on Getting them Sober. They were a life saver to me. Alcoholics don’t love anybody, they are in too much addiction pain. You can’t help. What you can do is attend Al-Anon. Talk to long term recovering AA men. Their wisdom is eye opening. God bless.
Not sure if you read these comments as there are so many but you are completely right. As someone in this exact situation right now your words provide comfort and some relief in knowing that I am doing the right thing. It is never easy but we deserve happiness too.
Hi Kat –
Many of us here understand very well what you are going through. It is indeed never easy to end a relationship with someone you love, but sometimes it is necessary, not only to be happy in life (which is a good enough reason by itself), but even for reasons of self-preservation.
Try to remember that as difficult and painful as it is to end the relationship, there is a high likelihood that it will be far, far more difficult and painful to stay in the relationship. This is because, most unfortunately, there is no known cure for Bipolar (at least not yet) and, especially if the person is not admitting they need help and not getting treatment or taking their medication, the relationship struggles you have been going through are just not very likely to get better, and in many cases (as shared in this very long thread by many people) the pain and struggles get even worse over time. “Over time” can mean a very long time… many posting here have been in relationships like this (usually marital) for decades.
Reading these stories, I count myself fortunate to only have been in a relationship with my Bipolar ex-fiancee for two years, but it was a very difficult and painful two years because I loved her very much and she loved me very much. Eventually though I had to face the harsh reality of the situation, as you are doing, and I had to make the same kind of difficult choice you do. Now I am very glad I did. You are right to say you are doing the right thing, and you are right to say it is never easy but you do deserve happiness too.
Of course the only way for you to move on with your life and find someone who will be able to love you as you need to be loved, is to end the relationship you are now in. It is difficult, yes, but time is on your side. And time is a very powerful ally. It WILL get easier as time goes by. Take one day at a time and look ahead, not back, keeping your focus on the better future and better relationship which will be yours one day, and before you know it, that will be exactly what you have.
Good luck!
Bob you are so right. The anguish and turmoil is immense. Even though it was my bipolar partner who ended the relationship, it took me a long time to stop asking myself “what could I have done to avoid the breakup” or “what could I have done better.” Even now I still sometimes wonder. But I know that I’m just indulging in a self-delusional ‘what if.’
I now know that the vast majority of our issues were common bipolar relationship issues. And I now know a lot more that I could have done to alleviate and better support my partner through her bipolar.
But the facts remain: it takes two to make it work; there is no cure; there is no crystal ball. Life is a gamble and luck has a lot to do with it. And eventually you have to weigh up the chances of a happy life with the risk of your own personal pain, not to mention that of any children.
But I say all of this with a sense of empty acceptance of things that are out of my control. In my ideal world, things would have gone very differently. But the reality is the sun still rises, bills come in, life goes on, new opportunities come along every day and life DOES get better – in fact, when you’re ready and let it, life gets back to being bloody good :)
Hi David –
Our situations with our Bipolar ex-partners (both then and now) seem to be very similar. And our feelings for them too. I have also at times had those thoughts of “what if…” which I think is natural when you loved someone so much and had such high hopes for a future together with them.
Just be sure to not blame yourself simply because you have since learned some new things about Bipolar which could have helped you in your relationship with her. This is because as you say, it takes two to make it work, and the unfortunate reality is that if one partner is not willing OR able to make it work (whether through any fault of theirs or not, even if it was totally outside their control due to a condition such as Bipolar), then the relationship is simply not going to make it. no matter what you do.
I found out the hard way, as you did, that no matter how much you love someone, no matter how much you show them you love them, no matter how much you have compassion for them, no matter how much you learn about Bipolar (even if you were to become the “World Expert of All Things Bipolar”), none of that can at all guarantee or even necessarily help at all when it comes to making the relationship work.
In that respect it is kind of like the situation of a cancer specialist, even a world-renowned surgeon, who himself becomes afflicted with terminal cancer. All his knowledge and expertise cannot stop the disease and its destructive effects.
I don’t think you are self-delusional, I think you are just a good man with a good heart who loved her very much. There is something beautiful in that, even though the relationship did not work out. And because you loved her so much, you naturally at times think about how things “could have” been, as you say, in an “ideal world.” But of course, despite all the very good things in this world, it is still not an ideal world in many ways, so we do the best we can to learn from and deal with the pains and disappointments this life brings, and to move on from them as best we can to something (and someone) much better.
I am glad that we both are finding that life can indeed become “bloody good” again as we do move on, even while wishing and praying the best for our ex-partners as they move on with their lives too.
Dear Bob. So true. You have sanity in your thinking. I found out as well that it takes two to make a marriage or any relationship to work. I was taking it all on board and thinking I was so powerful in trying to change myself to suit their illness. I even took Valium to be quiet, the person got worse. It wasn’t until I did a program I discovered I can’t change them and their illness is cunning, baffling and controlling. I was forced to let go and it has done me the world of good. I can now live my own life and enjoy the lovely friends I had unbeknowingly made. I have given myself some worthwhile hobbies, read some good books, got a degree. Involving myself in their disease destroyed a lot of my projects as I couldn’t think straight and was nervous a lot. Bob speaks good sense. God bless him for sharing.
hi Bob,
you have an amazingly eloquent and accurate way of putting things, yet in a very gentle way. The way in which you clearly understand how I felt about my ex fiancee can only come from someone who has experienced that same love themselves. After the break-up, I spoke with a psycho-therapist who specialises in bipolar and similar mental conditions (in an effort to try to understand what my ex might have been going through) – one of the things that she commented about me was that I love deeply. Although I think I’ve always known this, I had never had anyone else point this out to me before. And it sounds like you do too.
As with all relationships, it’s terribly sad when the good parts cannot win over the less-than-ideal parts.
At the end of our relationship, she said a number of nasty things in anger and made some criticisms of me that really rocked my self-confidence and I’ve spent most of the past 6 months questioning if I’m really not such a nice person underneath it all. But the reality is that I am none of the things that she claimed, that she said those things in hypo-manic anger and that any failings I had were simply because I dealt poorly with something that I did not know that I was up against, let alone understand.
I suspect that I’m not alone in having gone through that process of self-analysis, self-doubt, soul-searching and final realisation that ‘hey, I can’t be blamed for reacting poorly to her bipolar.”
Life does get better – and I’m lucky to have good people in my life. Each day gets easier to accept the sad reality. Whether or not I’ll ever find anyone else who will steal my heart in the same way, who knows? But for now, it’s just one day at a time and enjoy those who I’m fortunate enough to be able to call my friends.
Thank you for taking the time to share your words of support and encouragement and I hope that each day gets easier for you too.
Hi David –
You are not alone in having had a bipolar ex-partner who said nasty things in anger to you. Mine did the same, not only at the end of our relationship, but at times during it too. I knew her comments and accusations were not true, but still, it is normal to go through some amount of self-analysis, soul-searching, and even some self-doubt as you think about what they said and whether it has any merit or not.
I found it helpful to step back, take a look at the entire situation, look into my own heart and words and actions (and hers) and compare all that to what she was saying or accusing me of. I knew her comments and accusations were not true, but of course it is normal to think about them and go through that self-analysis process.
This is normal for most people to do when confronted with such comments or accusations. However, I think one of the biggest causes of relationship problems (and failures) with bipolar partners (it certainly was for mine) is that many of them do not or cannot go through this normal process themselves – this process of self-analysis and self-awareness.
The research that I’ve read about says that 40-50% of bipolar people will never even admit or become self-aware enough to acknowledge they even have Bipolar Disorder. There is even a medical term for this, “Anosognosia” which literally means “to not know a disease.” It is also called “lack of awareness” or “lack of insight.” It also is a big reason people who have Bipolar and are on medication stop taking their medication. Multiple studies (15 out of 18 studies according to one article I saw) have shown a correlation between having this condition and anatomical damage to the parts of the brain which enable self-awareness.
So you can at least be thankful you are normal enough to be able to go through the self-analysis process you went through and to be as self-aware as you obviously are. But at the same time it’s important to not blame yourself for the failure of the relationship if the relationship actually ended because of the issues caused by her Bipolar, which I am sure is what happened in your case.
I am very glad you have been able to get to the point where you realized you can’t be blamed for the end of the relationship. I am also glad you do not harbor bitterness or anger towards her because you realize she is really a victim of Bipolar Disorder and was just not able to engage in a successful relationship with you because of her Bipolar Disorder.
Hi Bob. You have explained why my family members with the disease never get well. My parent is 84 and only just have I heard her mention some awareness. My daughter is incapable and people say it will change but I know my family and they don’t. I don’t hold out hope I just get on with my life and leave them to the consequences that may help them eventually become aware as I cannot do it. An acquaintance of hers say never thinks she is wrong. She is totally unaware of how she affects the people who love her, or used to. Thanks for that knowledge. It’s no wonder I have sought many people to understand myself. I guess the one thing that bi-polar do is send the people who love them to find help for themselves. I am much more reassured these days from the impact of two close family members with the disease. Apparently, one of my mother’s cousins would tip hot water over herself. My parent was outward blaming and tried to permanently put her disease, like my daughter on those around her. Both couldn’t see what they were doing. What an ugly disease. Thank you.
OMG are you for real… Yes you have to get help and continue to seek help if you are mentally able. But telling someone with schizophrenia that they are choosing to drag there life to the bottom of the ocean is absurd. I would imagine you do not suffer from mental illness.. Now the same could be said about heart disease. Just because a person has a illness does not mean they are there illness.
Sevenths Stone, You are wrong, Natasha does suffer from bipolar disorder. The thing is, not all those affected with mental illness have all the same symptoms – or degrees of illness. Some may self-medicate which exacerbates the disease, some become abusive, some are suicidal. We are all individuals and each of us are unique. Some people with bipolar NEED to hear that they are ruining their lives by self medicating or not following the doctors’ treatment plan. Some just need to have their hope restored that the next protocol will work. Nobody, least of all Natasha, intends to lump everyone with mental illness into one stereotype. She’s just being honest that some sufferers need tough love. BTW, I also agree with another comment that says sometimes the problem is the non-bipolar partner. I freely admit that I responded very badly to my husband’s bp in the beginning. I’ve no doubt I made it worse rather than better. That’s exactly why I love reading Natasha’s blogs. She educates me and gives me insight that helps me be a better spouse.
562 comments.. most, from what i have read so far is from “others” not from those with a mental illness
so much anger, bitterness and perhaps justifiably so… so many people with mentally ill people in their lives to which have left their lives allegedly in chaos, strife, destruction, etc.
but this is what, still, i cannot seem to fathom… it is still ALL with Bipolar and not just the one for whom these people have specifically dealt with in their lives
not ALL with Bipolar are similar to the ones mentioned, repeatedly, in the responses… many praise Natasha for her topic post which has prompted this many replies/responses BUT I think many who generalize folks with Bipolar to be all alike… have forgotten that Natasha has Bipolar… and if ALL are alike, then she is like all those reported here
yes, there are times when walking away from the one who is mentally ill is what is needed to save yourselves
same as for some of us with mental illness, who in turn must walk away from those not diagnosed with any mental illness who are negatively influencing and triggering to us, destructive and chaos creating in our lives
Well said!
And “…same as for some of us with mental illness, who in turn must walk away from those not diagnosed with any mental illness who are negatively influencing and triggering to us, destructive and chaos creating in our lives..” damned good point!
Tabby – re. your last comment: I think I was one of those partners who unintentionally triggered some bad traits in my bipolar ex.
From my own personal experience, I would say that if the non-bipolar partner is not aware of what they’re dealing with, then it’s very easy for what would otherwise be considered reasonable and fair requests to become too much pressure for the person with bipolar and to trigger mania.
For example, it’s very easy for lack of energy, motivation, objectivity, inability to follow through or complete things etc., … to be taken as a reflection of the person’s investment in the relationship. That’s what I did and I became frustrated. The reality is, she was very much in love with me but just didn’t have the capability to do the things you would normally expect from a partner.
So without good clear communication and open honesty about the condition and how it impacts BOTH partners, 2 very good people who are very much in love with each other can still be bad for each other. Had we both been on the same page, I have no doubt things would have been very different.
Sally, I do know how you feel, think. I’ve done this, too. But, with the six times I’ve stood with my daughter during her cyclonic trips, I’ve learnt a great deal about BP and also myself, how to react to stop escalating the crisis. I’m now seeing how I can remain calm during her irrational terribly difficult to understand behaviour and get beyond viscious attacks. After reading stories on the Black Dog site yesterday, I felt terrible, so sad to realise my ingorance of the condition and my responses have fuelled her rage. I no longer blame myself, search her childhood to find what I’ve done wrong and that has taken years. With every trip I learn, become more aware, as she does. This time, right now, I have realised how she inadvertently sets me and others up to try to stop her or offer advice she doesn’t want, can’t really hear in when on her trip. With that small recognition, I keep my mouth shut, say very little other than to affirm and hold her. Actually, for one who loves her dearly, that’s no small recognition. It’s huge.
I agree with Pamela. I might add they don’t get well. The behaviours they indulge in to avoid responsibility for their behaviors will hurt family whatever way they can do it. These days the legal system has a tendency to believe their violence accusations. Another family member is 84 and is only now accepting some responsibility for people outside the family but not for the eldest child she put her illness on. The daughter has developed terrible accusations and imaginings for her violent tendencies and I might add a lot of these are covert or when no one else is around to see. Her latest accusation has caused herself to stay away from me and I am so pleased to be in my quiet home without her accusing very bad things about her father and mother. When she is confronted by older mothers about her behaviour, she makes up massive stories to ruin her mother’s reputation. Her violence to her children has gone ignored by the law. Nothing the grandmother can say will cause the law to believe the sick nature of daughter. She has a tendency to can I say – evil intentions and cannot do good. She will never get well and I am not shifting for her because of her massive exaggerative lies. She can do the avoiding. She has a tremendous amount of guilt like an addict does and can’t take ownership of her ugliness from the disease.
I might add, if I had known earlier of her bi-polar and been able to resist her visits and damaging invites I would be far better off. She needs to find someone to bear her guilt and blame. She throws her intentions onto someone else and will make situations to create then blame the other. It is so safe to leave these people. They are dangerous to family’s safety. I had mine leave me in rural Highway on the side of the road, she thought I had sworn at her. I was nearly run over by a truck and there were no houses around. 20 mins later a kind couple picked me up (I was terrified and crying) and took me the 70km back home. This is how a sick person can cause manslaughter without getting any blame back to them. If I had died, someone else would have taken the blame and I would be either damaged or dead. They are clever in their violence.
Dana, I get it. And Sarah, your lack of compassion and understanding speaks cutting volumes. Right now my daughter is going through a bipolar spin-out. It breaks my heart, breaks me. I understand perfectly well, how her sister had to leave my place last week after a short stay. She also needed her mum but hey, bipolar is a bastard, a dangerous consuming destructive bastard. I came home expecting ,after two days away, to find my house the way I left it. No. I won’t go into that here but, I asked her to put things back where they belonged, her stuff in the main area—all of which tells me how unwell she is. I quietly asked her to put them back in her room, put stuff back in my cupboards. Result? A furious outburst. I was interrupting her ‘process’, had deeply distressed her, so she stormed out after saying she was going to a hotel. This kind of thing has gone on for about 30 years, 6 hugely cyclonic trips, so much damage to herself, me, her siblings and others, so much loss. Employment. Friends. Perhaps if she’d honoured her agreement to seek ongoing counselling and support the last time, this might not have happened. She’s taken small steps this time, connected with a lovely psychologist who also lives with this condition, is taking sleeping pills to thwart broken sleep, but it’s not enough to stop this one. At moments like this, I wish she’d leave and never come back. It’s not because I don’t love her dearly, it’s because I know only too well the damage to her and me, especially me because she lives with me. Dana, I perfectly understand why you’ve chosen to separate from your chap. I sincerely hope you will now be able to live the life you deserve.
Absolutely appalling. Horrible read, In my opinion. I sympathize that you have had a bad experience with your brother who is mentally ill (and which I might add who’s mental illness you haven’t specified, doesn’t matter much anyway) but you are creating a blog post and not saying things IN YOUR PERSONAL OPINION. You are encouraging those who are affected by their loved ones who are suffering from a mental illness to abandon them on their absolute time of need. For you to so so far as to write a blog post,basically shining light on the stigma that mental health advocates have been trying to erase for years. Your brother is an addict (again in which you didn’t specify what type of drugs he was addicted to). And just because your brother was hesitating and refusing the help that was being offered, doesn’t mean there is absolutely no help for people suffering from a mental illness and that they are absolutely alone and hopeless in this. By this post I am disgusted. Utterly, and truthfully disgusted.
Are you suggesting that one should sacrifice their own health for the sake of someone else, especially one who is refusing treatment for their mental illness? It seems that you are.
So you think that people who are in a relationship with a bipolar person, whether that is a romantic or marital or friend or family relationship, should allow the bipolar person to pick up a gun and shoot them? Or if someone pointed a gun at you (regardless of their reasons for doing so, and regardless of whether it was something in their control or not), would you stand there and let them pull the trigger, or would you seek to protect yourself from the consequences of them pulling the trigger? Even if you are willing to say you would stand there and let them shoot you (which I highly doubt you would), you have no right to suggest others should make that same choice.
I put that example in stark and simple terms because you really don’t seem to grasp the gravity or seriousness of the consequences of staying in a relationship with a bipolar person when that person continually and repeatedly engages in destructive behavior… life-destroying behavior… vicious and destructive words.. attitudes… actions… all of which can lead to extremely serious consequences not only for themselves but also for those they love and who love them.
You have a right to feel disgusted by whatever you want to, but Natasha has done and is doing a great work here by providing an honest and open forum for many people to share their experiences on this important topic (and others), which by the way I don’t think you have taken the time to read or understand. Before lashing out at Natasha or others, take some time to read the many heart-wrenching real-life stories in this thread. Try to grasp, if you can, the depths of pain involved, the depths of destruction involved, and the depths of love, patience, and compassion involved despite the ongoing continual and unreasonable mistreatment by those suffering from Bipolar Disorder, then go tell everyone again that you would be disgusted if they don’t just continue to stand there while their bipolar partner or friend or family member picks up a gun, aims it at them, and then pulls the trigger.
Sarah, I was absolutely appalled by your comment. I was married to my husband for 24 years, probably 10 before he was properly diagnosed with Bi Polar disease. I encouraged him in every endeavor he chose to pursue. I made countless psychiatric appointments, had him committed more than once. I made sure MY salary would cover all the family’s needs because I never new when he would go manic and quit his job. And through it all, I was raged at, cursed at, watched my children be mentally abused. He abused drugs and alcohol, destroyed many cars and appliances and was so jealous I had to account for every second of my day. Until one day, I had enough. It is the biggest regret I have in my heart that I let my children grow up and didn’t get them out sooner. So IN MY PERSONAL OPINION, the life I LIVED was absolutely ruined my his mental illness. I’ll say it again he had BI Polar disease and was dangerous to himself and everyone around him. By your post I can tell you have never been subjected to the abuse that can be heaped on one person by another due to mental illness. At some point your back will break, you will no longer have the ability to express emotions, because whatever you feel, he is going to take that mood to catastrophic levels. I see no need for myself or the author to disclose to you what drugs he was abusing as it is not relevant. What is relevant is I got myself and my children out of an abusive situation (caused by mental illness) before he killed us along with himself. So when all my efforts to help him were refused and he reached a point where he would not accept help, I LEFT HIM BEFORE HE WAS IN HIS ABSOLUTE TIME OF NEED! You should take a step back and don’t tell me how disgusted you are. I am utterly and truthfully disgusted at your lack of sympathy for people who have tried desperately and repeatedly to keep their family together to no avail.
Looking for advice and support for an 18 year old bi[ploar daughter who is moving out after graduation with no plans for job or college. Says she hates me and wants to move in with a high school drop out boyfriend. At my end. Been through years of counseling, police activity, probation, etc. Just feel it is about to take turn. Wish us the best please. Thank you all and good luck.
hi Sue,
I guess that all children go through the phase of spreading their wings and leaving the nest :) It’s not so bad: you’ll have some of your freedom back :) But I get your concerns around your daughter.
The reality is, she’s 18 so this day was always going to come regardless of the bipolar or her personality so you can’t stop her. If you try to, guess what – she’ll just resent you even more.
She has to learn from her mistakes, just like the rest of us.
So I think all you can do is encourage her, support her, let her know that you respect her decision and that you acknowledge it’s her life to do with as she pleases. And it wouldn’t do any harm to laugh at the fact that you’re both going through the same Mother / daughter cat-fights that the rest of the world goes through. And that while you hate the fights, you certainly don’t hate her.
Let her know that you love her, will miss having her around and will be there for her if she needs any help.
If it were me, I’d offer to help her move in (so you know where she’s living) and then just catchup with her every week or two – sometimes at a mall for coffee in case she wants to get out of the flat but also sometimes at the flat so you can check the state of her living space (it’s a good reflection of her state of mind).
Sometimes it’s just about HOW you say it rather than WHAT you say – i.e. “when I left home I remember blah-blah-blah – that sucked but what helped was …” rather than telling her directly what to do / not do. Of course, at this point I wish I could take some of my own advice!!! :)
The only other thing I can suggest is to make sure that you are not the only one she can turn to for advice. This will help to remove the possibility for her to associate all angst solely with you. If you can, get other family members to help check in on her. It’s not spying – it’s caring enough to check that everything’s ok.
But of course, if you have good reason (backed by evidence) to fear for her safety and think she’s about to move in with a bunch of drug-dealers who will use her for their ‘entertainment’ then yes, worry like hell. Otherwise, breath and count to 10 … :)
She’s 18 and is just spreading her wings. You can’t stop that, no-matter what you try.
Good Luck and try not to stress too much about it: life has a funny way of working itself out :)
me, again…
My father came to our place to eat the other day. He was very hungry. After he expelled mum from their flat, last year in January , he hangs out with a group of hyenas, drug addicts and alcoholics. He is in love with a young girl, a prostitute, junkie, who takes everything she can from him. all the money, things from house, the other day neighbors reported to us that she took spare tires and gas bottle from the basement and so on.
When he came to eat, I was happy to see him, although he didn t want to speak much or anything at all to us. Just ate and asked for some money. We asked him that, he brings us his pension money the next time he gets it, or what is left of it, becouse, he has bank credits to pay, so we could pay his bills and so mum could prepare him meals everyday . ( at least to have one cooked meal)
He said yes and left, and of course, today , he got his pension money, didnt come to us and will spend all of it with his friends in a few day, then starve again…
There is no help
here in the states we have something, i think if i remember – dang meds – that you legally apply and go to court to get and if you get then you could have your Mum (if live in states or something similar in the country you live in) be his Guardian over his pension…
or you could be… that way, the pension would come directly to you, or Mum, or a designated account that you, or Mum, could draft from and pay bills.. etc.
hopefully you wouldn’t be like so many and just wildly spend and spend his pension on your wants and desires or squirrel it away for your benefits later… you would not believe the many who take advantage of their mentally ill relatives or relatives with Alzheimer’s and/or dementia…
but if you are truly concerned about where and how the money is spent and that he has legal financial responsibilities (to which you are not actually responsible for, btw)… then applying to be the guardian or designate, etc. of his pension/accounts may be a idea
Thank you , Tabby , for you answer.
Yes, I applied to be the guardian, and here in Serbia it ‘s a very slow process. We applied in August, and it isn’t over yet. Dad’s psychiatrist suggested that we do that.
And yes, some people accused us of trying to take his freedom and money. But when those people met him and found out how serious the situation is , they understood. ( Sorry for my English).
But, through all this painful process, our thoughts about whether we should do it come back an forth , because, there is no influence on his behavior, I don’t want to pressure him to do anything, I can’t make him take medications, I can’t make him go to his doctor for check ups, I can’t make him not spending time with those people, and finally, I don’t want him to be mad at me for not having money for reckless spending. I don’t want him to be angry at me, after all that’s happened…
since he took two bank credits that tided him up totally, leaving him with just a third of his pension for the next five years, it s not even enough to pay his electricity and to have mom cooking for him. She is with no incomes, so that’ s leaving me with two parents in lot of money problems.
The next hearing on court for being guardian is in June.
Thank you again, I’m sorry if I bore you guys.
Love, Ljuba
No need for apologies here Ljuba. It breaks my heart that even though we live many miles away from each other we have similar experiences and heartbreaks. Finding this page and reading through the comments shows me that I made the right idea in leaving my loved one with mental illness. Hope one day you can find peace and happiness. Kat
OMG. When I read the effects my daughter has done to me, it’s so right. I spent years thinking I was mentally ill with a parent having the disease of manic depression and now my daughter has it. they both have bullied me into thinking that it Is my fault. The daughter has done some terrible things to my life and my reputation in the community has suffered. Her gloating of things she has stolen and accusations about her parents have been massive. People believe it. I have now got medical proof I am not what these family member try to put on me and I’ve had an MRI to prove my brain is not damaged as well. What we go through to keep ourselves believing that we are the normal ones. I spent years searching medical to see if they were correct about me. I’m not the one on medication, they are. After speaking to my parent, I suddenly realized that living as a child with a mentally ill parent and the other an alcoholic I had been severely affected in my perceptions about myself which was them reflecting their problems. I rarely have alcohol and no mind changing drugs, only diabetes meds. Thanks for the sharing.
I had occasional depression for about 10 years. Then I suffered a traumatic brain injury. Then my wife eventually kicked me out of the bedroom. No, I am not violent, have anger issues, blah, blah. People often tell me I am very empathetic even. After a wife, my wife moved out, and eventually she became my ex-wife. The saddest part is that somehow, even though we had joint custody (he is 23 now), he spent 80% of the time with the exwife. So, in addition to losing short term memory, some organizational skills, my marriage, and any real relationship with my son, now I am shortly going to lose half my income (the private disability), as private disability insurance stops at the age SS retirement starts.
I. really. don’t. care. about. anything. any. more.
Being alone is so painful, but after my modest IRA runs out (since I obviously missed out on saving anything for almost 15 years of my peak earning years), I really don’t have anything to look forward to.
So why did I take such good care of myself all those years? I am grateful for the health I do have, but I want more than mere survival ….. I have not been a type to be self indulgent, but one who is willing to work for what I have. Only now, I don’t have the option of realistically earning much at all, so what’s the point?
Hey everyone well my ex or i dont know the title is in mary k because he snapped on me called my sister threatens to kill her my whole family kill himself and burn the house down so my dad called the police.I didnt know what was going on because i wS on my way home.my sister callede crying tellung me what happened i was devastated. They did not have anythung to do with whats going on.He called me tellin meiyts my fault that the police came to his house and handcuffed him.He immediately startted blaming everything on me.I told him i dont lnow why he_called my parents houSE.His mom text me dont ever call or see him again i try to tell her he called my parents house threatining to kill everyone she didn’t want to hear it.Later i called the jail they said he wasnt their so i called the mary k and he waa their.His nurse answers and was like yes.She told me he is ok but stressed out.He had the nerve to tell her i wont let him move on.He tries but i wont let him.wtf i told her im not holding a gun to his head and thar i dont even live with him.I told her he invited me over and told me getva babysitter for the kids.i brought our baby to his house.She then says o he just wanted to see the baby i said no he wanted her to stay with my sister but i brought her.I said why is he saying that whan he invited me over and all the times we break up and he yells hes bever texting or calling again he alwats doea.Why is he lying..im not stalking him.or anything.Why do you guys think he told the nurse that.You cant force someone to stay where they dont….so wtf.Im nervous he gets out the 23hold tonight i hope he just never calls me.One minute hes in love wirh me then the next he never loved me.When you move on from someone you dont stay with them.and invite them.over your house…help….He also told me he hatea my guts all types of things is this the illness…..He says hes done one minute then call.like we never broke up…help me….
Just my opinion, but you need to be the one to set the boundaries in the relationship, not rely on him which is what you seem to be doing. If you really want to end this (and I would if he doesn’t get serious help for his bipolar or y’all can’t figure out how to stop the dysfunctional pattern) you need to not accept his calls, invitations, etc. You don’t have to be cruel or angry – in fact, you should try to put those emotions aside and understand he’s really a victim of a horrible disease that causes these emotional swings. You can/should let him know you believe y’all aren’t good for each other and as much as you care about him you’d rather walk away than keep hurting each other. Of course if he gets properly medicated, then maybe y’all can revisit the relationship, but you would still need to learn about the disease and learn better coping techniques. The worst thing you can do is ‘engage’ in his emotional upheaval. Walk away and only talk about issues when he’s calm and not in the midst of an episode. Be calm, be consistent and be kind (even if he’s being cruel). Good luck.
I do not want to end my marriage, but often I have trouble handling my husband’s violent outbursts.
I know he is victim of a disease, and my heart breaks for him, but I am pretty much the only person he fixates on with his delusions, and the only one he blames for his unhappiness.
I am considering leaving him for my own good, and also for his emotional stability.
Do you think he will just transfer his anger and unhappiness to somebody else?
A little background:
Married since 2010. Together since 2007. He was diagnosed in 2008, but only took lamictal for a few months. I did not realize the seriousness of bipolar disporder until 2013, when his symptoms began getting out of control.
I looked back in my diary to earlier on, and realized some of his disordered thinking had been there all along. Basically he thought I was trying to “con” him somehow, or I was “hiding something”.
Since 2013, it has developed into a pattern that usually involves these things (all untrue of course):
He thinks I am an escort/prostitute/cheating wife
He thinks I am in league with other people to somehow hurt him either financially, or as a joke on him
He thinks I am poisoning him
He thinks I am manipulating him somehow
Now, usually when he tells me these things, it means he will usually start shouting and screaming horrible things at me, tearing the house apart, throwing out my belongings, breaking my stuff, and since last year, has pushed me over too many times to count, slapped me in the face a few times, choked me at least three times, fractured my thumb by pilling it back, punched me hard in the kidney, punched me hard in the diaphragm, punched and kicked me when I was huddled on the ground. And so on.
I’m not sure what to do.
Last year during an episode he ended up being charged with a couple smaller things, which he pleaded guilty to. However, he really blames me for calling 911 despite the fact he told me if I didn’t that he would kill me.
Today, he is going to see a Dr. again. Hopefully he will get medication and stay on it.
I am wondering how soon I should see any improvement from medication, because i am scared to be around him sometimes, and he senses it, which makes him a bit disdainful of me.
I really want to be as good a wife i can be, and I am wondering whether it is my duty to accept this abusive behaviour, and just accept it? For how long? To what extent?
I really love my husband and can’t bear the thought of leaving him to be sick and alone. Not that I am really the end all and be all to him, but he sure is to me. Does that make sense?
KG,
I would have drawn the line long before he started hurting you. Breaking your things is enough of a problem. He’s hurt you multiple times. That is a behavior he’s unlikely to change. Even if he takes medication and is able to control his mood better, he won’t be able to control it fully. Even if he could, stressful events in regular lives will make “normative” people very angry. He expresses that anger by hurting you. That isn’t a psychiatric problem, it’s a psychological one, and it’s very unlikely to change.
At some time in the future, he might learn to be different. But, unfortunately, it’s almost certainly not going to be with you. You’ve already established a pattern of violence in your relationship. Both of you would need to want to change. He doesn’t have any reason to. In fact, being violent allows him to avoid thinking about you, negotiating, and being introspective. It serves a purpose, in the way any addiction does. Being violent is easier than negotiation.
I’m sorry about that. I would think about how you’re going to make the rest of your life positive as opposed to how you’re going to get your current one back to mediocre.
As you know, violent people can become very dangerous if people try to leave them. This is very much a problem if he is prone to psychosis. So, you need to make a plan to leave and might want to contact a program which hides women who suffer from abuse when they leave. You can get in touch with a program if you see a doctor.
NO!!! It is not your duty to accept his abusive behavior. If it were me, I would insist on going to the doctor with him and being included on his medical treatment. If he’s as paranoid and violent as you claim, his perception is off and it will be nearly impossible for him to properly communicate with his doctor how he’s doing. Being a good wife may very well mean you need to let him go if he won’t get/stay on proper medication. Yes, if you aren’t around his paranoid thoughts and violent behavior will eventually turn to someone else. My family and friends didn’t believe how bad my husband was for at least 10 years after the onset of his disease because they were never on the receiving end. Now they all think he’s gotten so much worse. HA! They were just able to be in denial until he turned on them.
If it were me, my sole concern would be my baby. Your ex-boyfriend is out of your control. From what I read I think you still have an emotional attachment to him and a desire to make that family work. In the short term, that family probably isn’t going to work. Your emotional needs are probably not going to be met.
Whatever has or is screwing with your life, a lot of that you can’t fix. You can’t do your childhood over, and when people get old enough, most of us don’t change. We are what we are.
A baby isn’t like that. For a baby, every minute is a brand new exciting minute. People get all anxious about making them perfect. But, most kids will turn out fine watching TV, playing computer games, and eating junk food. But kids do not turn out fine when people around them are stressed, when there is shouting, when their lives are unstable.
Honestly, if you just feed a kid something for dinner and put them to bed in the same place at the same time, and they wake up the next morning and they slept all night and nothing happened – that’s a win. If you make 95% of days like that, you win as a parent. Everything else is either out of your control or extra stuff you do if you have the energy.
So, I’d make my decisions on that basis. Say “If I do this, is my baby going to get dinner and get to bed at the right time?” If you suspect that might not happen, it’s a bad decision. If anyone doesn’t like that decision, all you say is “I want to make sure my baby eats dinner and gets to bed at the right time. That is what is most important to me.” No one will argue with you.
Plus, if you sit in the room, or outside the door, you can watch over your baby and it will be quiet for you, too.
Having just in January separated from my husband of 4 years partner of 7 and friend of 15years, with two children, I can say I took the latter advice and I have left after years of abuse and torment and believing that somehow it would be ok as he SAID he would get help and try and stay well what has happened is that for the most part I have been a single parent. There have been short periods of a beautiful loving relationship and then it all goes back to him being unwell.
I left once before because he violently attacked me in front of out children. He promised he would get help and did. That lasted two months. Then it was hell again I have been basically a prisoner in my home for the last few years, not able to go out and leave him in charge of the children etc always having to be the main earner and the one that did everything while he basically watched. He expected me to be at his beck and call in the bedroom and would become verbally aggressive and sometimes physically so when I didn’t want to. This recent separation has come from him locking me in the house after me calling his psychiatric nurse, I had asked him to leave and he was refusing which meant me uprooting the children again. He locked us all in the house and I stupidly drank a bottle of wine, repeatedly asking him to let me out or to leave and he refused took my phone, then I started trying to smash a window to get some help, get someone’s attention and he rang the police and made up a big story. Telling them I always behaved that way! I was terrified and wanted him to let me out of the house. Me and the children ended up homeless! We are now in a flat and I have to go to court (which is likely to be acquitted) and he was then like oh it will all be ok we can sort this out!
When I told him we couldn’t he started making false allegations to social services and the police. All of which have been found to be false. And now he is back to thinking we will sort it out. I have started proceedings for an interdict and may need to move again.
As far as I am concerned I don’t believe he is fit to have our son on his own. Our daughter is older and wants nothing to do with him.
My advice is never get involved with someone who lies and makes promises continually to get help then continually tries to belittle and humiliate you and make out that its you that’s the problem.
I’m getting my life back and im glad to be out of the madness.
What about if you have children with them?
There’s GOT to be a way for healthy resolution…
broken seperated families and children doomed to perpetuate a cycle of broken seperated families HAS GOT TO HAVE SOME FORM OF VIABLE CURE…
Leaving perpetuates the cycle.
Are you insinuating then that there are no better viable options for treatment/bbetter healthy outcome than simply giving up and calling it quits?
(Because in MY opinion we have FAR too many broken seperated families, and a HUGE problem of a cycle of broken, seperated families, and cycle of perpetuation of broken seperated families. I want to be a BETTER example for my children of how to have a nice, decent, happy, healthy family that treats each other well, and strives gor a better future… a future TOGETHER.)
Ethan, I’ll just say this… being a child of a very dysfunctional marriage (bipolar, alcoholic mom) can be every bit as damaging as a broken home – more so in many cases. I learned very, very poor relationship skills. I learned to be co-dependent and an enabler. I repeated the pattern and married someone with bipolar. No surprise since both my siblings did as well. There are bad cycles that can be repeated no matter which way you go. I have stayed with my bipolar partner and we’ve raised two beautiful kids. However, I had to learn how to set boundaries, stop enabling and stop all the many dysfunctional behaviors that I learned growing up and he had to take responsibility for his disease and get proper treatment and coping strategies. Don’t stay married for the sake of the kids unless you are REALLY breaking the cycles that need to be broken. Having divorced parents is far better than having two miserable parents who are teaching the kids how NOT to behave.
Hi I’ve never commented on one of these but I really hope I can get some feedback.
I’m going to cut to the chase and leave out some portions of my relationship but the key facts will be mentioned.
I’ve dated my ex girlfriend for almost 4 years. After our first year of dating she became very jealous and had trust issues after learning that I was a huge flirt in high school. These problems never changed and continued to get worse. Although after confronting me about her issues, I did my best to not flirt and even tried not talking to another woman for about a year, besides in classes and at work. I am 20 and she is 21. We met in high school, she is my first real relationship, where as she believes she was in love as well in her relationship before mine. Back to the story, April 2014 after our 3 year anniversary she blew up on me about a text in my phone, one of her big problems was that she’d always got through my phone looking for something. She woke me up at 3am yelling about whatever it was on my phone, without even giving me a chance to speak I just gathered my stuff and went home. I gathered my thoughts over the next few days and decided to break up with her. I was tired of the jealousy especially after trying so hard not to flirt, or talk to the opposite sex and I always put her first. I’ve done a lot with this girl, meaning multiple Disneyland trips, trips to santa cruz, dinners, SF trips, LA trips, snowboarding. And she just expects more and more. One flaw I admit about myself is that in trying to make her happy I’d do things she’d ask for without wanting or truly understanding the consequences. For instance buying her a promise ring. I honestly had never heard of it, she wanted it, I bought it and gave it to her. Definitely a mistake after learning the emotional value of such an item. Anyways we got back together and continued to work on our relationship.
The months to come were hard, I had been really distant emotionally as I had just felt really pushed away and turned off by her jealousy and trust issues. During this time I also began to realize other things that I didn’t like, for instance I am very goal oriented, I am in school pursuing nursing while also playing sports and working PT, where as she had no idea what she wanted to do, wasn’t in school, and was working FT. Although I didn’t like it I knew I loved her and wanted the best for her. So i tried motivating her to research different careers and just tried to get her going in the right direction. Keep in mind I had tried this before and she just really didn’t want to talk about it and I figured one day she’d go back to school. long story short she didn’t want to try. I also explained to her that I missed having friends, in high school we had good friends, but after high school she and her friends stopped communicating and she hated my friends because of her trust/jealousy issues, and if I ever did hang out she wanted to come along which just wasn’t always necessary. This lead to our next break up, I explained that I wanted to be with someone a little more similar to me who had ambition and the want to do something, but I also let her know that what she was doing wasn’t wrong but it wasn’t what I wanted in a partner.
This is when the problems picked up. I went on vacation after that break up with my family. She threatened suicide. Keep in mind she doesn’t have any close friends, I’m her real only support. Her closest family member being her sister lives out of the country and her mom is depressed. Because she lived with her mom i had to contact her, and everything was fine. I returned home and met up with my ex after she asked to talk and she explained how she got her life together and was ready to go back to school. Of course this was music to my ears because I wanted the best for her and I care about her, so we got back together AGAIN. We pushed the suicide threats out of mind but this is important… The following months were really tough, for me at least I didn’t feel the spark I once did and everything i did felt very forced. She started school and actually was doing very well and still is.. Things got bad between us once again and we broke up, this time it was different this time I truly felt done. I felt as though I just didn’t and couldn’t love her like I did. This time was also different for her, after a week of seperation and lots of arguing and her trying to get me back she sent a very odd text, very calm wording, with almost no emotion in the way it was written and just stated goodbye at the end. I just went to bed, she has always been extreme but this felt different but I still just went to sleep. The next day she texts me, “you better thank you god”. Immediately I know she did something, I get her to tell me what she did and she had attemtped suicide. Scared out of my mind i meet up with her and we talk and talk and she just explains how she doesn’t care anymore and all she wants is me so hysterically crying I tell her i want her back. She gets back with me and things don’t get better.
At this point I realize that there is truly something wrong with her. I’d never dealt with depression and she doesn’t open up to me about her feelings often but she was finally telling me how she doesn’t feel anything anymore and doesn’t care, and the fact she had attempted already sounds the alarm, she was and is severely depressed. I thought I could help her, I thought I could just flip my emotions and mentality of her and be the hero that she thought I was. I tried getting her to seek help, to reach out to her sister just so she had someone to talk about this with besides me but she wouldn’t do anything. The issues we already had got worse and she just kept pushing my buttons mentally and emotionally and she ended up breaking up with me.. But in hopes I’d come right back and fight for her. This time was different, I didn’t, I couldn’t, I couldn’t find it in me to bull shit anymore, I had no love and no emotion to give as her boy friend but I tried to be there as her friend. She started talking suicide again but I was able to get her to call the hotline, see a psychologist and get some type of help. Also her sister was in town for the month so seeing her also boosted her spirits. Although it got to the point where she didn’t want me as her friend, she wanted me as her lover like i had been. I knew i couldn’t lie to her anymore and I began to believe in order for her to get better she’d need to learn to love herself first, but I didn’t know how to convince of this nor did she allow me to convince of this. she began threatening suicide again, speaking of how she’d do it, telling em to take care of her dog, and she told me she’d do it when her family left for vacation, meaning she’d be home all alone. At this point I couldn’t take it anymore, it was a lose-lose situation. Either i lose my first love/best friend as a person, or everyone loses her in death so I called the authorities. Right now she is in the hospital, her family knows what’s going on, I’ve explained all of what i said here to her sister but what do I do now….
My question is this.. Knowing that my ex has no friends, no one to reach out to, and no one close to her besides myself.. How do I help in this situation.. She has been calling me non-stop from the hospital and we’ve spoken once and it kills me to know what I’m doing to her but I feel this is the only way I can help? Should I keep talking to her when she calls or just ignore the calls? I just don’t know what to do when I know she has no one else besides me and her sister. And even though she has cousins her age she will not reach out to them because of embarrassment. She is very depressed, in a lot of pain, and scared. I may not love her like I did but I do care about her and wish she could get better. Any advice helps, and please be brutally honest in how I’ve dealt with this because I need to know. Thank You..
– Devon
You are an adult so your life is *your* responsibility. Your happiness and life-contentment is in *your* hands. She is an adult so her life is *her* responsibility. If she attempts suicide, *she* does it, not you – her choice, not yours. So, don’t let yourself be emotionally blackmailed. (This is a Red Button for me because I *did* give in to emotional blackmail at a time when I was most vulnerable, when I was in the middle of a breakdown and my wife threatened suicide if I couldn’t find the money to pay for IVF or ICS because *she* wanted a baby. I’ve not only come to regret it, but also resent her, especially now after 17 years I found out for sure she was play acting and never meant what she threatened. For various reasons, I can’t leave her and start over again.) If you let your ex- suck you in, the harder it will become to get out because, as the Chinese philosophers say, when you save someone’s life you become responsible for them for the rest of their lives! There are plenty of fish in the sea – if I had my life over again, I’d go catch myself a girl who will not screw around with my mind. I strongly suggest you consider doing the same before you run out of time. Best of luck.
Hi Devon –
I’d like to focus on your key question/concern about leaving her when she has no one else besides you and her sister. I agree this makes the decision harder to make. I was in a somewhat similar situation myself, but at least my ex-fiancee had her family (in another country) to go to, and they did want her to be with them. So that was good, very good even, but in some ways still not an optimal solution for her and her son. This is why I felt in some ways like you do and it weighed heavily on me.
One analogy I found myself thinking of often is the case of a lifeguard who has swum out to save someone in the ocean. Imagine yourself as that lifeguard. You want to save them. You want very badly to save them. You are doing everything you can to save them, but then the person begins to struggle and fight you. It does not matter at that point WHY they are doing what they are doing – it could be fear, panic, or whatever. It could be completely out of their control as to WHY they are fighting you. But at a certain point you realize that not only are they making it difficult for you to save them, things are getting to the point where they are starting to drag you down with them. This is when you find yourself facing the decision to keep trying to save them, and risk drowning yourself, or to swim away and leave them… as much as everything within you doesn’t want to do that.
In this scenario, there is no one else there to try to save the swimmer. You know this, yet still at a certain point you may need to decide to leave them because if you don’t, you are going to drown also.
This may be how you need to think about your situation. In many cases with bipolar partners, things can become so difficult that it comes down to self-preservation – in various ways – emotionally, financially, physically, etc. That is the cold, harsh truth. That is the reality many of us have had to face. It is not fun, it is not pleasant, it is not what we wanted… not at all. Yet if someone will not allow you to help them, and they continue to speak and act in ways which are destructive not only to themselves, but also to you, at some point you may need to decide you need to leave them.
Would a lifeguard in such a situation feel bad about leaving the person? I am sure they would. They may even feel guilty about it and think they could have done more. But they shouldn’t of course feel that way. They did all they could.
Don’t beat yourself up with that kind of false guilt. You will know when you are about to drown. You need to take care of yourself if you need to make that kind of choice. I think you will know when you have done all you can to save her… to help her… and I think you will know when you need to swim away so that you don’t drown too.
Spot on. It’s a good analogy. (Must be – I’ve used it myself in the past!)
We all have a right to live a full like, no one has a right to deprive us of that, to expect us to sacrifice themselves just for us.
That is absolutely the best analogy I’ve ever heard on this subject. I had to leave a situation also. I am nearly 65 years old. I literally believe that I would have died if I had not left the situation, because I coughed continuously, caught every virus that came my way, got pneumonia, had various infections. I was in the doctor’s office about every 2-3 months. Now I rarely catch anything and rarely cough.
My depressed brother moved into my home with one good old housebroken dog. About a year later he got manic and pretty much stayed that way much of the time for several years. He acquired two more dogs which were not housebroken. So much for my new rug. He broke or lost thousands of dollars worth of my things, and left several items vulnerable to thieves. Then he got furious any time I expressed any displeasure.
I literally moved out of my own home just to save myself, yet give him a place to stay. I eventually had to sell what was left of the home for much less than it had originally been worth.
Hi Nancy –
Some may think the lifeguard example might be too dramatic. That the decision to stay with or to leave a bipolar partner or relative is not a life-or-death decision. Anyone who thinks this way has probably not been in such a relationship. As your situation illustrates, it can in fact even come down to a literal physical life-or-death type of decision.
And if not literally physical life or death, certainly emotional life or death, or financial life or death, or mental (health) life or death. Any one of which, as if not bad enough on their own, can also lead to severe physical health problems, including even death. We are talking about very serious stuff here, very serious consequences that can result from staying with someone whose words, behaviors, attitudes, etc., can be enormously painful and enormously destructive to themselves and to others, even those they love and who love them.
Even when we make the very difficult decision to “swim away” from such a person, we do so with great sadness and regret that they would not or could not allow themselves to be helped or saved despite all our efforts. We do so with great compassion and love in our hearts for them, wishing with all our hearts they would have let us help them, but finally we recognize and accept the cold, hard truth that some people cannot be helped or saved.
It is important we recognize this truth for two reasons: 1) to help us realize we may not be able to save them, and certainly not if they are not cooperative and even fighting against us, and 2) so that we don’t then fall victim to the false guilt that can easily afflict us after we decide we need to leave such a relationship.
I am glad you got out of that relationship while you still could, before it was too late, and are enjoying the benefits (such as your recovered health) of making that very difficult, but very good decision.
Hi Bob, thank you for your reply. Recently I have been in some contact her and there with my Ex. She is out of the hospital and was put on medication due to her depression. I attempted being there as her friend but of course as the days pass she continues to push me to be her boy friend again and that things are different. I am staying strong in my position and know that if I did get with her this cycle wouldn’t change, and I am trying to convince her that she needs to learn to love herself before she can love me or anyone else. I also keep trying to re-focus her on taking care of herself and that I’ll be there as a “Friend”. Today she told me I can’t be her friend and because I don’t want her as a girlfriend I have no right to “care” about her. I fear the inevitable in that one of these days she will commit suicide due to the fact I will not get back with her. She hasn’t made any threats but just based off the past I feel as soon as I do stop talking to her it is just a matter of time. Basically I am just asking of your opinion, or anyone else reading, what should be done in a situation like this. I feel terrible but I know that I do want to move on. It’s just I never thought moving on would mean her killing herself. I just wish there was something else I could do..
Hi Devon –
I am by no means an expert on suicide or suicide prevention, but I do know there are hotlines you can call about that kind of situation and I am sure they can give you better advice than I could.
What I would say though is that you can’t let her threats of suicide (or your thinking she might do it) hold you hostage in a situation that you know you don’t want to be in. That would be no way to live your life and is not a good basis (to say the least) for a relationship.
If I was you I’d call one of those hotlines and/or ask this question on one of Natasha’s other threads here which are more focused on suicide and bipolar. Learn what you can from those kinds of resources, then when you do leave the relationship (taking into account the advice you get on how to best do that) you should in no way feel guilty about any actions SHE decides to take, including even suicide, as awful as that would be if she in fact did that. The only alternative to leaving her is for you to give in to her threats and stay with her just because of those threats or fears, and I think you would agree that would be no way to live your life and a terrible basis for being in a relationship with anyone.
So, what if someone is seeking help, but it is not helping, they still call you fat, they still drink too much and embarrass you in social settings? What to do, I just want to live my life, but I can’t put someone out on the street. Sometimes it seems it would be easier to save up some money and just dissappear.
hi Seth – yeah that’s a bit of a hard one when the person’s intent is genuinely to get better but their behaviour is still unacceptable.
My thoughts are that whenever you come across something in life that you don’t like you have 3 options:
1/ Accept it – in which case you HAVE to let it go and stop complaining about it (verbally / externally to others AND ESPECIALLY even to yourself)
2/ Change it – sometimes you’re in a position to control and change the negative element. In this instance this is not the case: the only one with the power to change it is the person with the mental illness. You can SUPPORT them in making their changes and sticking to making their changes but at the end of the day it’s THEIR responsibility and the power is in their hands (IF anybody’s). Don’t for one second fool yourself into thinking that you hold that power.
3/ Walk away and remove it from your life. Sometimes this the only way to remove the negative element.
But only you can decide which is the right way forward for you. Certainly what you have described sounds toxic but the question I would ask you mull over in your own mind is this:
When your partner abuses you in public, do your friends / onlookers think “gee, Seth’s a saint and I really admire him for not letting it get to him and for sticking with her” or do you think they’re left questioning why you put up with that and whether you have any self-respect?
And also ask yourself this: if they displayed these personality traits when you first met them, would you have wanted to be dating them?
Hope that helps. Good Luck and take care of yourself first and foremost.
I’ll pass on some very wise advice I received from two different people. The first was my father in law (father to my bipolar husband). He asked me why I felt it was my job to ‘fix’ him – and how did I think I could fix someone who clearly didn’t want fixing. The second person is a very successful career coach to the uber elite (who I happen to have the pleasure of calling a friend because I could NEVER afford his advice otherwise, lol!). In discussing my tendency to be an enabler he asked me… ‘if he were here and I asked him to help me move this table, would he?’. I said yes, he would. He then said, ‘if we took a few steps and then I dropped my end of the table, would he keep carrying it?’ I told him I didn’t know. He replied, ‘well he shouldn’t. You should never be willing to do more to help someone than they are willing to do for themselves.’ If he wont’ stop drinking, he’s not really trying to get help He has to know that’s NOT compatible with his meds. He must be willing to do for himself. Why can’t you say so to him? You’d rather ‘disappear’ than be honest with him and set boundaries. You need to go to an Al-anon meeting. Promise. It’ll help. Been there, done that.
I was and have been, diagnosed with Bipolar I – off and on – since 2006. I say, off and on, because depending on which psychiatrist I see or which therapist does the evaluation that the psychiatrist then reads.. I may get a different diagnosis or a different # on the Bipolar scale. I primarily receive either Bipolar I or Bipolar II Mixed.
I am one odd duck, in the Bipolar sufferer world, I am beginning to seriously think. I also get exasperated.
I do not steal, never have. I never once cheated on my husband (he is now a ex), but, he cheated on me repeatedly throughout our marriage. I may blow the meager budget, from time to time because for poor folks – $300 in 2 days when you really didn’t have $300 to spend.. or more… can throw things in a tailspin but I’ve never blown $1000s, gambled, started businesses, committed crimes knowingly or unknowingly, ran away (well, 1 night cause my husband was off with one of his assorted women friends).
I have destroyed property in fits of rage. I have flipped rooms of furniture, again in fits of pent up rage. I’ve even come so mighty close to braining my ex husband (while he was husband) with a tire iron but stopped myself — just —- as —- I — picked —- up —- the —- tire —- iron. Really, it was a frightening few seconds, even for me.
I have contemplated suicide, I’ve attempted suicide… I’ve also, obviously, CHOSE to not go through with the attempt to suicide, time and again.
I’ve committed myself to all 5 of my psych inpatient stays. I sought out the appropriate people, said that I was afraid of myself and agreed time and again, to be hospitalized. The longest lasted 28 days (insurance cut it off at day 29).
I also work, full-time. I pay bills (somewhat, always playing catch up, low income). I raised my daughter, who is now a adult. I kept a house, with husband and baby, while working FT..
because I didn’t know that I couldn’t.. and everyone around me said I wasn’t allowed
I also have taken everything, psych med wise; anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics and benzodiazepines. I have taken these and combos of these, off and on for nearly 40 years. I do not take meds, as my choice, at this time.
The last time I took a combo, I could not get off the bed nor could I stay awake. I also could not put a sentence together neither in my head or out of my mouth, that actually sorta made sense. I’ve lost jobs due to meds and I’ve resigned from jobs due to meds.
I was not the best wife to my husband. I was young, had horrendous suicidal depressions followed by high strung and agitated manias (not all manias are fun-loving, good times. Many, in fact, have horrendous manias filled with agitation and anger and exasperation and well, suicidal desire – the mixers – that is).
Having said that, about my wifely attribute… he cheated on me for years, he stole money from me at near every turn, he gambled, he lied, he snuck about, he forced himself upon me while I said “no”, he left our daughter alone – in our home – to go make calls to women escorts and co-workers while I worked at night (oh, yes) and here is the thing… HE WASN”T MENTALLY ILL!
He has a nasty personality disorder, but, not a mental illness.
What I’ve learned of Bipolar, over the near 10 years of having it labelled to me is: each person’s Bipolar is different than the next person’s Bipolar who sits beside them, greets them and interacts with them. You throw in a nasty personality disorder, into the mix and whoa momma.
The pills help the Bipolar, they do literally nothing with the personality disorder.
There are so many of us out there, out here, who have medication intolerance. Not medication non-compliance, mind you; medication intolerance.
This means that I have to take a much lower dose, to get the highest return, than the norm and being physiologically sensitive to chemicals… sometimes what is so baby low to you, can be quite moderately high for me.
Most docs and nurses don’t want to take the time it takes to figure all that out. So many have literally sighed and/or rolled their eyes, at me, over the years. Time and again “well, we’ve run out of new things to try…” and I’ve been in emergency services, time and again, for meds that went completely bonkers on me.
I also seek “alone” time, quite often for I am a introvert. I get so overwhelmed, at times and I will have auditory hallucinations of roaring or buzzing, so horrendously loud at times.. when overwhelmed with having to be forced into being a “extrovert”.. I will actually shut down and close off and isolate myself, for a day or 2.
I am cognitive of my mood swings, for the most part. I can, usually (though not always), know if I am in a mixer or simple depressive (as if anything bipolar depressive is simple), or if something is so horribly wrong in whoville that I am spinning madly upon a whirling hamster wheel screeching internally to MAKE IT STOP!
Again, not all manias are awesomely wonderful and gloriously blissful to each person struggling with Bipolar. Many of us, like me, have the Dysphoric Manias… not anywhere near good feeling… no… no.
So, why all this am I typing? Because apparently I am, even amongst my mentally ill peers/brethern and/or sisterhood… i am odd.
Yet, I am also worthy of companionship and love and care by another human being. I am worthy of this… regardless of my mental illnesses (also have GAD, SAD and PTSD, just for some extra kicks, I guess).
I am worthy and deserving..
because I am alive
I don’t agree. An adult without the mental illness has an ability to set boundaries and limits. In fact, this shows that they do care. I have bipolar, and I have friends with it. I have had difficulty with them, but I set boundaries even if time and time again. A spouse can sit the other down and say, “This ___ behavior concerns me because I don’t want our children to be frightened. If you do this again, I may have to take them away as much as I don’t want to do that to you.” My spouse is great at setting boundaries, as is my young adult son already. I tend to see their view then and this is a relief because I get to see through another set of eyes who love me.
Hi Annette, I’m happy that when your husband sets boundaries with you that you are rational enough to be able to see his (or your kids’) perspective. However, that’s certainly not the case with many bipolar sufferors. Despite the boundaries I’ve set over the years (mostly with regard to taking his meds) my husband repeatedly crosses them. Usually it’s because his meds get ‘off’ or lose their efficacy so he will go completely off his meds and go into a full blown mania. He is bipolar I so when this happens he immediately goes full blown manic and believes he can do no wrong and only sees others as hindering his greatness. He becomes scary and I’ve had to kick him out of the house for months at a time for the safety and well being of myself and my children. So, yeah, boundary setting is essentially with those who suffer from bipolar, but it’s no guarantee they won’t cross those boundaries. However, I DO like your illustration as to how your hubby sets boundaries with you which causes you to empathize with them. He’s clearly a good guy and good communicator and you both sound like you’re making it work. Congratulations.
I’m not even sure if anyone will see this. I’ve been crying for hours now. My bipolar husband of 6 months is asleep after days of a manic episode…again.
I didn’t know he was bipolar when we met, and honestly I probably wouldn’t have cared. I love him.
However, things keep getting worse. He is a patient of mhmr, but the medicine is not working. I suffer from generalized anxiety and his verbal abuse and paranoia has made me feel broken. I feel lost and alone. He tells me that I’m “the crazy one”. He it’s telling our friends to”stop encouraging me because I’m sick”. He embarrasses me and humiliated me more and more. That is only part of the day. The remainder of the day is filled with sweet words and love, but only if he is abusing cough medicine. I’m starting to think that he only loves me when he’s on cough medicine.
My friends are telling me to leave, but I do love him. It just scares me, because 90% of marriages where one spouse is bipolar fails. I don’t believe in divorce, so I guess what I’m asking is, “Does it get any better? Are there any good stories out there?”
Jackie, I guess it depends on what you consider a “good story”. I’ve been married to my bipolar spouse for more than 30 years. It’s never been easy – I won’t lie to you. The struggle to get the right meds and get them to take them correctly (and NOT abuse other drugs/alcohol, etc) seems like it’s never ending. On the other hand, we’ve successfully raised two beautiful kids and we are pretty loving and healthy in many respects. The struggles of being with someone with bipolar are not all that different than being with someone without it – just more intense. You need to be realistic about the situation. If he’s abusing cough syrup, then he’s exacerbating his bipolar disorder. He may feel good in the moment, but the crash will be more severe. His doctor would not be OK with it (I assume he gets it from a different doctor than his bipolar doc). Also, if you are not able to talk to him about the abuse of the cough syrup, that doesn’t bode well for a healthy marriage. You need to be able to communicate with him – however, you have to be realistic about when he’s in a mood where he can’t hear what you’re saying. In a calm moment, try to get him to understand you’re concerned about the effect it has on his disease and that you believe he needs his meds need adjusting so he won’t feel the need for the cough syrup to calm him down. Ask him to allow you to go with him so you can offer your input and learn more about the disease. Tell him if y’all are to be partners in life, that includes his (and your) healthcare. Make him sign the waiver that allows his physician to discuss the situation with you. This is a deal breaker in my household. I will not stay married to him without him being properly medicated and complying with treatment.. For the most part, I’d say I am happily married. We’ve learned decent coping techniques to not exacerbate the disease. When an argument gets ugly or heated, we go to our separate corners and let feelings subside and wait to resolve conflict when he (and I) aren’t so wound up. It takes a person who can be very independent to be married to someone with bipolar. There will be times when you have to go to weddings by yourself or be able to take over the finances if he’s going through a difficult time. You will need to be able to separate the bipolar ‘stuff’ from who he really is and what he really stands for. You will have to have a steely spine to take no abuse, but give him some room to be ‘in a mood’ without having to always feel guilty for it. I love my husband. He still makes me laugh and shows me he loves me nearly every day. I promised God I would take him for better or worse and I have. Doesn’t mean I wouldn’t leave him if he got off the meds or became abusive and he knows that. Even the bible allows for divorce when one partner leaves (I see that as both physically and emotionally) or when there’s abuse.
Jackie I feel for you and I read your story. I think Lori is the best counselor here, on top of that she seems to have not only knowledge but also huge experience on the topic.
I personally believe that the correct limit for you would be to love yourself enough and to take some time off your love when you need it. Being a ”healthy egoist” is the only correct advice for you. You cannot help, love him or do anything with your life if you are not okay.
My personal story with BP is not a win yet. My sister, my best friend was diagnosed with BP 7 years ago and as for today she hasn’t succeeded in more than few months on medication. As much as it hurts my guts to admit it, she hasn’t even considered medication for the past 1 year.
I tried to do the job for her many times, she had doctors, she had therapists and I paid for all of it. I even did the research but my success has been temporary. It took me many years and losses to realize I lead her fights, I paid her debts, I picked her from bad situations and I have been there for her on her worst moments. But then …she keeps on refusing treatment. So I told her today I can no longer be there for her, not if she does not want to reach out for help.
It took me many years to even get support from my family, at least what is left of it- my mom died of cancer 3 years ago, my father is an alcoholic who still refuses to admit he has a problem after 30 years of drinking.
So my point is to take care of yourself because it is your responsibility as an adult to do that.
You are in my thoughts
Hello, I my situation is definitely not as intense as most here, but I was hoping for some reassurance for my decision. I recently broke up with my girlfriend of a year and a half. At first things were great, she was the best part of my life and I was so happy. About a few months into the relationship I realized that she was unstable. I had been warned by her that she was emotional and so I was prepared for it. I was supporting and tried everything in my power to make her life easier. I did not want her to deal with problems that I could fix. However, as time went on she gradually became more dependent on me to solve her problems and motivate her. It came to the point where she would not get out of bed unless I was there for her. We argued a lot, usually started as something small, me taking too long to reply to a message, or not dropping whatever I was doing to come and help her. Even if I was not to blame for the issue I always ended up apologizing. BPD runs in her family so we both assumed she has it. She wanted to seek help for it and I encouraged her to, but she never did. The arguing transformed, mutated if you will, into her blaming me for everything and name calling me. Tearing me apart from the inside with constant, “You’re an idiotic jackass who just messes with me.” or “You’re such an idiot, I hate you, you’re awful. You don’t care about me.” This pattern happened at least twice a week. She constantly needed me beside her, I alienated my closest friends and family for her. I was constantly dropping plans to be with her in fear that if I was not there, she would get mad and assault me with words again. I told her that I could not stand this treatment, she said she was sorry and that she hated herself for making me feel bad. I believe her, I love and care for her, but it was too much. I broke up with her the first time. She told me that my father manipulated me into doing it and that I did not think for myself. She guilt tripped me back into the relationship to try again. I thought it would be different. It was not, it was worse. So finally after another 2 months of it, I had enough. I was back at my house after having dinner with my family. I had spent the previous 30 hours with her straight, then went to dinner. I left on a sour note with her but told her we would work it out the next day. She kept calling me at 11 pm saying that we needed to solve it now. I told her I did not want to talk and we would talk tomorrow. She drove over to my house after I told her not to. I ended up breaking it off right then. I told her I was done with our relationship. She told me that my dad manipulated me again into thinking that. She told me she was going to go kill herself after we finished talking. I told her not to, I said you can hate me all you want but you have so much to live for, please do not hurt yourself. She kept saying that I did not care about her and that she hoped I died, my family died, etc. I ended up standing in the freezing night for 2 and a half hours trying to talk to her. She would not listen. She took my phone when I tried to dial for help. So I told her to please just go home and talk to her step-mom, who I knew could deal with her well. As soon as she left, I called 911 and told them what had happened. I had to use my land-line. I then called her step-mom to inform her what had happened and there might be an officer coming to her door. My family tells me I did the right thing for myself, as do my friends, but I cannot shake the feeling that I failed her somehow. I was not strong enough to help her. I did not want to leave her, but I had to if I wanted to live a truly happy life.
Anthony – it sounds like you’ve been patiently trying to do the right thing for your ex for the past 1 1/2 years but it’s time for you to accept that there are some things that are beyond your power.
The reality is this: your ex girlfriend is very VERY ill and has a condition that is totally outside of your control.
You can only support her IF she decides to take ownership of working on her issues.
It’s the age-old challenge: finding someone who is ready for a relationship and who is ready for what we have to offer. She clearly is neither of those things.
Your ex has a hard road ahead of her. If you are happy to receive that kind of abuse and behaviour from your partner then by all means join her on that journey. But go into it with your eyes wide open.
Similarly, if you decide not to be a part of that, leave the relationship with your eyes wide open and STOP FEELING GUILTY.
And tell the Police that you consider her actions of coming over to your house and taking your phone as harassment, assault and theft / aggravated robbery. Get your phone back. Get your life back. Move on buddy.
I’ve been seeing a girl with bpd for the last 18 months or so, early on the relationship she proved she was pretty mental she stole from me, chucked me out of her house at midnight several times, accused me of some of the worst things you can imagine etc etc then would always apologize so sincerely, I forgave her everytime because if I didn’t she would get to the point where she would threaten suicide or worse, I did and still do care for her,these actions weren’t her fault she couldn’t help it. I had enough last week after she threatened to get people around to beat me up if I didn’t deliver her key back immediately after she started going ballistic about something, she called me some disgusting names and told me my life was going nowhere and I deserved unhappiness, so when she tried to apologize 2 days later I initially accepted her apologies and she thought everything was back to normal. But whether she could help what she was doing or not, I had to take my own happiness into account she had destroyed my happiness and increased my anxiety. I told her no 3 Nights ago after she invited me over and after some brief name calling I stopped messaging her and haven’t heard back since, I know that’s great but I actually feel guilty like I’ve let her down, I think I also have mental illness now, she says she was just always having outbursts because of me, it was my fault I set her off because I wouldn’t fully commit to her, I would say how do I fully commit to someone who tells me they want me dead, they hate me, they treat me like shit and then say not my fault I warned you its my bpd!! It’s so confusing. I have my own issues and hurt from previous relationships and she could never give a shit, would you commit to someone who has stolen off you? I actually feel guilty now and think of her all sad lazing around. It sucks, I guess what I’m saying is bpd girls make BAD girlfriends!!!!! Sorry for my off topic rant, been bottled up a long time it’s good to write it down. Cheers
Ben, to be fair it sounds as if neither of you are ready for a relationship:
– Your ex clearly has problems and has proven a number of times that she can be nasty and has no issues with threatening your personal safety.
– You have admitted that you have issues from past relationships. I’m taking a huge leap here but I suspect these are what have driven you to allow her to treat you so poorly so repetitively.
And please bear in mind, you can’t tar all people with Borderline Personality Disorder with the same brush. I have a mate who’s girlfriend has BPD and her issues are simply those of insecurity in their relationship – but to her credit she’s very honest about accepting that she needs to work through the issues and is trying her hardest to change herself for the better. I respect her immensely for that.
So stop being a numpty for thinking you should have put up with more of her abuse. Work on your own issues – make yourself a better person and then you’ll be ready for someone else who’s also ready :)
Thanks David, you are right about my insecurities being the reason I let myself get treated badly over and over, I know I was extremely worried and sad about what might happen if I left her, she also has a lovely side which I liked a lot but learned can change in a heartbeat, you were also right we were both not ready for a relationship although I feel If it wasn’t for the outbursts and there was stability I could’ve handled it, in her case putting anyone through abuse and threats Is unfair and I feel if I did that to people I wouldn’t try and force someone into commitment knowing that was part of the package, I’m extremely sorry for saying all girls with BPD make terrible girlfriends, I’ve only met one which makes me very ignorant to everyone else living with it and I’m positive most people are able to control their treatment of others better than she could, I apologize to anyone with BPD who read that, I guess my main issue has been feeling guilty for turning my back on someone who has a condition they can’t help, if I had a friend with ANy psychological disorder I wouldn’t dream of abandoning them yet when it’s romantic you have to cut contact completely, no help, no staying friends as that just gets hopes up then crushes them again, life is so complex sometimes. Thanks for reading my posts. All the best to everyone
Hi Ben – mate it’s admirable that you want to help alleviate someone else’s misery and suffering. Really, it is. And we all know that the world needs more compassion asked good will. But sometimes you just have to know your own limitations. Your ex is going to have to come to terms with her condition and how it makes her behave. She will start to change only when she realises that it really is not acceptable. Until then you’re pushing it uphill.
Sometimes the best thing you can do for her as her partner it’s to NOT be her partner. You might be better able to support her as a friend. That easy she can’t take you for granted or abuse you.
And definitely put your own health, safety and happiness ahead of hers.
I hope that helps. Stay positive :)
Hi Anthony –
Your story sounds like mine in many ways, including how at first it was great with her, she was the best part of your life and you were very happy. I understand how all that can be hard to let go of, even when you realize that she has some serious issues. I also got back together with my ex-fiancee again after breaking up once. She also said similarly insulting things to me. Then of course she would change and be wonderful… for awhile. Then more insults, false accusations, etc. Reality can only be ignored or suppressed for so long before you realize you cannot do anything to help her, no matter how much you want to, how much you try to, or how much you show her you love her.
It’s not about you failing her somehow. You didn’t. Let me repeat that: you didn’t fail her. It’s not about you not being strong enough to help her either. It’s just not. I felt that way too. Perhaps we have all seen too many movies where “love conquers all” but in real life, especially in a relationship with a bipolar person, love does not conquer all. It has nothing at all to do with you failing her or not being strong enough, so put those false thoughts and that false guilt out of your head… and out of your heart.
You need to move ahead with your life. If you don’t, she will continue in her destructive ways and it won’t get better, and may even get worse. I don’t think you want to live that way any longer. You do deserve a happy life, and the reality is you are not going to have one if you stay with her and keep trying to “fix” her.
On the bright side, you will someday find someone you can love and who can love you like you need to be loved, and life will get much, much better. Look forward to that, focus on that, move toward that, and someday that will be exactly what you have.
Hi Anthony –
Your story sounds like mine in many ways, including how at first it was great with her, she was the best part of your life and you were very happy. I understand how all that can be hard to let go of, even when you realize that she has some serious issues. I also got back together with my ex-fiancee again after breaking up once. She also said similarly insulting things to me. Then of course she would change and be wonderful… for awhile. Then more insults, false accusations, etc. Reality can only be ignored or suppressed for so long before you realize you cannot do anything to help her, no matter how much you want to, how much you try to, or how much you show her you love her.
It’s not about you failing her somehow. You didn’t. Let me repeat that: you didn’t fail her. It’s not about you not being strong enough to help her either. It’s just not. I felt that way too. Perhaps we have all seen too many movies where “love conquers all” but in real life, especially in a relationship with a bipolar person, love does not conquer all. It has nothing at all to do with you failing her or not being strong enough, so put those false thoughts and that false guilt out of your head… and out of your heart.
You need to move ahead with your life. If you don’t, she will continue in her destructive ways and it won’t get better, and may even get worse. I don’t think you want to live that way any longer. You do deserve a happy life, and the reality is you are not going to have one if you stay with her and keep trying to “fix” her.
On the bright side, you will someday find someone you can love and who can love you like you need to be loved, and life will get much, much better. Look forward to that, focus on that, move toward that, and someday that will be exactly what you have.
Hi Natasha – I just figured out that Anthony’s and Ben’s threads got tangled up with each other… which is why I posted the same response twice to Anthony’s comments because it first wound up under Ben’s. Feel free to correct it if you can! Thanks.
Hi everyone I’ve been reading this forum and it has good info. I have no one that understands me. I was married to a last that was normal at first and everything was going great we were happy. Well recently she went extremely down hill andstarted hearing voices and saw things. At firsr t I didn’t take it seriously and thought nothing of it til it affected my daughter who at the time was only one. While Iwas at work ssometimes working 16 hour shifts my kid wasn’t being fed only milk. And when I found out her family stepped in to help watch my wife and kid while I worked. But all of this stress and pain I endured I gained 145 lbs. I got bell palsy and had extreme high blood pressure. I stuck around for almost two years but decided to leave because I couldn’thandle tthe stress and not taking careof myself. Not to mention as time on the mmother in law over stepped her boundaries and sort a turned my ex against me. I still love her but I don’tthink iIcan go back to that situation. I finally lost 146 lbs and iI’mfeeling great iI’m finally taking care of myself. She has bipolar and schizo affective disorder. Any advice of what you guys can share. I feel guilty of leaving and that I’m a bad person. I’m hurting and I am trying to let her go but its been very hard. Feels good to get out my frustrations and sadness. Thanks everyone.
So sorry to hear about your situation.
These events are a good reminder of our humility and our place in the cosmos: we simply don’t have the power to control all things and people can change over the slightest of chemical imbalances. Sometimes the imbalance can be rectified – sometimes it triggers a life-long change.
You mention that your daughter is just 1 so I wonder if perhaps this is related to something that happened during / post your daughter’s birth?
A common theme seems to be that in this sort of situation, the best you can do is protect your own interests and those of your daughter. Look after your own health (physically, mentally and fitness-wise). And try to get your ex to seek help to manage her own health.
As for her Mum, all you can do is TRY to educate her – but do that by NOT TELLING HER your opinion – simply provide her with links to relevant web-sites and SPECIFIC topics so that she can come to the realisation herself. Sites that help to identify patterns of behaviour associated with certain mental disorders help to make it inarguable for people to ignore or simply blame on “he’s an ex who can’t get over it” or “I never liked him anyway”.
I would be most concerned about your daughter right now. It sounds like you need to take her into protective custody. Do what’s right for her and yourself. Pour yourself into solidifying your life for you and your daughter: steady job, steady routine, stability for both you and your daughter. That will create a positive for you in this difficult time.
As for your broken heart: accept that it is what it is. You can’t change what has happened. And you most likely have no control over “fixing” your ex. So learn to accept that what you had thought might be for the rest of your life is most likely now over. It’s ok to be broken-hearted. It’s your emotion so don’t deny it. Let it run its course (as long as it doesn’t prevent daily function or risk your livelihood) and accept that things WILL get better for you.
Good luck.
Hi utahman –
I’d like to focus on the last part of what you said “I feel guilty of leaving and that I’m a bad person. I’m hurting and I am trying to let her go but its been very hard. Feels good to get out my frustrations and sadness.”
First, it is unfortunate but true that many times, being in a relationship with a bipolar person (and in your case schizophrenic as well) eventually comes down to self-preservation (emotionally, physically, financially, and in other ways). Protecting yourself, and in your case your daughter too, is nothing to feel guilty about. And it certainly doesn’t mean you are bad person. I understand the feeling of guilt – I felt it, and many people in these kinds of situations feel it, but it is not true and it is not even being fair to yourself. In other words it is false guilt. You need to call it what it is and realize you are not guilty of anything, excepts perhaps loving someone “too much” if in fact that is possible.
My brother shared an example which might be helpful. Imagine you go to volunteer to visit senior citizens in a nursing facility. You do this out of the goodness of your own heart and a desire to help. But the old man they assign you to, after about 5 minutes, starts swinging his cane at you and trying to hit you. And sometimes he succeeds. And it hurts! What are you going to do? Stick around and let him hit you? Does it really matter WHY he is hitting you with his cane? No, it doesn’t. He may have some mental or other condition which means he is not to blame for his actions. But the end result of whatever his condition is, is that you are going to be black and blue all over – or worse – if you stick around. So you decide to leave. Should you feel guilty? No way. You may in fact feel sympathy for the old man, but you should not feel guilty. It is much the same kind of situation when trying to have a relationship with a bipolar person, except that the ongoing emotional pain is much worse than being hit by a cane. At least that has been my experience and that of many others. So don’t feel guilty. False guilt has no place in your life and does not deserve a seat at your dinner table.
I understand how much you are hurting and how hard it is to let her go. It can be excruciatingly difficult. Try to focus on and be thankful for the good things she brought into your life, and to move forward one day at a time. It will get easier as time goes by. Remember that time is definitely on your side. And time is a powerful ally. Focus on the better future that will be yours if you move toward it day by day.
Hi David thanks for the advice. My daughter was one when it all started. She is now 4 I’ve been struggling for 4 years now with stuff. I gained alit of weight while married 140 Ibelieve and it was one huge mess for me. But since . We got divorced I’ve lost 146 lbs. I was not taking care of myself at all. I was taking care of my ex and of course my daughter. She now lives with her parents and my daughter sees me not that much. II’m trying to move on with life and its taking to long for me. But Iguess slowly is better then nothing. Thanks for your comments iIappreciate when iI feel I’m being heard. Well the ex mil has told me its over and I need to move on. And they only want me to be their for my daughter. Which I’m fine with. But its a controlling situation where her mom interfered throughout all of our marriage and cause problems in my marriage. Now that I’m on the outsideiI can see it wasn’t a healthy relatiinship . so the next part is getting over it. Any tips on what to do for that? I may have to do counseling. That may be my next step.
I meant Bob sorry.
hi Utahman – basically you need to focus more on your future and the positive things that you enjoy doing (as long as it’s not illegal / immoral)
As a rule of thumb – happier lives seem to include a balance of:
exercise – something that gets the blood pumping
social circle – GOOD friends you can count on
work – if you don’t enjoy your job then at least be proud of the fact that you’re doing it to take care of your responsibilities
good clean diet – and personally I feel good about knowing that “I made that!”
regular sleeping patterns – soooooooo important for EVERYONE! Gotta recharge the body, mind and soul
challenges – it’s good to get out of our comfort zones and challenge ourselves
But the best bit of advice I can give you is something someone told me 5 months ago: it was from a guy who has spent the last 7 years hitch-hiking around the world. He even hitches lifts on boats! He told me that no-matter which country he is in there’s always the same place that he can go to to meet people and expand his mind: it’s a place called “out” :)
Good luck buddy. Remember, you’re not alone.
Hi utahman –
David’s advice about a balanced life is really good. I do think you could benefit from going to some counseling, for the purpose of helping you get over your relationship. I don’t think it would hurt, and could help a lot.
When I sometimes have those wistful thoughts of the good memories and good times with my Bipolar ex-fiancee, especially the kind that make me think or wish or even entertain the idea of how nice it might be to still be with her, I have found it very helpful to remind myself immediately of the awful, terrible, and no-good-at-all parts of our relationship, and to remind myself how fortunate I am to not have to be dealing with all those terrible aspects of the relationship anymore.
We need to have a very realistic view of things, and the more realistic you can make it, the easier it is to let go and move on. That has been my experience. I’d also recommend removing as many reminders of her as you can from your surroundings – mementos, pictures, etc.
It is important to look forward, not back, and minimize contact with her as much as possible – no contact at all is ideal. That also makes it easier – and quicker – for “time to heal all wounds.”
Good luck!
An interesting topic!
My ex has Bipolar but he left me and our children 5 years ago. Left me a single mum with little support and financial security.
Did he care? Not one bit.
At the time we did not know he had Bipolar.
The abuse he put myself and our children through in that 5 years can not be put into words and if he had not left us i assume that abuse would have been a lot worse.
Would i have left him if he had not left us? I really think that i would have had to as much as i loved him. I could not have put up with that abuse or allowed my children to put up with that abuse either.
There are no winners in any of these stories, each and every person is a victim of Bipolar Disorder. What a cruel disorder that can take a beautiful person and twist their mind to make them do things they would never ever do if they were not sick.
How do you help someone who does not want to be helped? You can’t allow them to continue abusing you and your children, the only solution i have is to withdraw to save us from even more pain.
I wish i knew the answer and i wish i could change things but right now it seems this is my safest solution. It does not mean that we don’t think about him every day and worry about him and still suffer the pain, we feel it everyday, the loss of a wonderful husband and father, however it saves us from the pain that he still inflicts on us and believe me we could not take any more.
I wish the situation was different.
My bipolar friend (he suspects he has bipolar) says I am overanalyzing what he says, when clearly I was not. He would say something confusing or contradict himself, or I would just assume he meant somthing different because te statement could mean one of two different things and I would try to get him to clarify.
he would get irritated and accuse me of “making a big deal out of it” (I never said it was important, just that I was confused enough to want to ask clarification), or assuming he had a “deep” reason for saying what he said (this was not the case! I just didn’t know what he meant) or that he didnt mean to hurt me by saying it (not necessarily something hurtful, just something confusing or I didn’t know why he thought it was true or it needed clarification if the conversation were to continue).
But that’s not the bad part- the bad part is that I feel like Im being bullied or at least put down and devalued and made ashamed of feeling hurt by his behavior when I tried to calmly and sensibly speak to him about it. (the second time he accused me of overanalyzing him). He said “dont start this again” or “you’re making a big deal about this” and accused me of trying to start an argument when I wanted to do the opposite- to avoid arguments by going over the subject now. The nicer and gentler I was the angrier he got, and he was very very illogical. He is usually very smart and logical. He hung up on me and I was in tears for a while afterwards.
It was brutal, especially since I had been kind to him beforehand (though I admit, not perfect- I did judge him a bit harshly for stuff he did as a child, though that was partially because he first framed it to me as worse than what I would consider it to be). He was showing traits that looked like a narcissist (the gaslighting- saying i was overanalyzing him- and denying he said something mean he had said during another discussion) and I did say, during this second time, that I wanted to hold off on the friendship and that was the part of the argument he most remembered later on…seemed upset.
The first time he said I ‘overanalyzed’ him I was immediately reminded of my ex boyfriend, who also told me I did it (definitely didn’t do it with him either), and I was very upset when my BF did it- in fact, I had hoped my friend would comfort me about it. Instead, he did it himself. I had also reminded him of when he promised to call me back, didn’t, and then blamed me for not knowing he woludn’t do it. Accusde me of making a big deal out of it, which I wasn’t, I was just asking because I didn’t want to deal with someone who was going to break promises in general, even if they weren’t a big deal (and who determines what a “big” deal is?) It wasn’t the lack of phone calls that bothered me, it was the fact he was blaming me for things I didn’t have control over (not knowing he wouldn’t do something he promised to).
The latest and third time he did it (I did it least of all that time) I stood up for myself (I profusely apologized and “admitted” to the behaviour the first time…just to get the otherwise good friendship back) and he seemed to back down a bit, saying maybe we should just not talk anymore that day (it was over the phone) and that he didn’t want to argue.
I hate feeling afraid to ask him questions or to bring up issues I am hurt by, especially since it means I have to walk on eggshells and just “let” him hurt me and cannot bring it up to him when he does. At least not on the “you’re overanalyzing” issue. He is not hurtful on other issues. I also hate having to say I’m hurt by something (I have to let him know in order for him to stop doing what is hurting me) and have him judge me that I shouldn’t be hurt or that I’m just trying to be argumentative (opposite is true).
Well, another thing happened- on and off he had been talking vaguely (but not vaguely enough for me to ignore it) about suicide. I got nervous especially since a lot of shit had been happening in his life. I tried calling him or a couple days and when I couldn’t reach him I decided to call a suicide hotline and ask for advice. They said try to contact his family. So I did, though I didn’t know them. Big problem. I contact his cousin and aunt, tell them not to worry, I’m just trying to be safe, it’s probably nothing. Cousin contact his aunt, aunt contacted everyone and freaked out, almost called the cops on him, and now my BP friend is mad at ME. I told him I don’t control how his aunt behaves and I did what I thought was necessary. I asked him what he needs for me to make it up to him, and he said just give him some time. He was mad, but not dropping me as a friend.
His cousin had told me he had told his aunt I was stalking him (not true) and we hadn’t talked in a while (def not true- it was two days at most, a point he made mention of himself!), and I had briefly contacted his aunt a couple times on FB before and I told him and neither she nor he seemed to mind.
My friend called his (frankly, crazy) half sister out on the West Coast, gave her MY HOME PHONE NUMBER (because I’M the one who’s a stalker) who said she was a police officer, and vaguely warned me about getting too involved with the family, saying they were very “private” and she contradicted a lot of things my BP friend said, so now I don’t know which one is saying the truth.
Other than this our friendship is great (and may become something deeper), but these things are really rankling me. They are worse than they seem on paper. I have called several verbal abuse hotlines and some say he is and some say he isn’t.
I love him very much otherwise, but I’m afraid of walking on eggshells with him and being forced to mold myself to his lies/delusions.
I’m going to be brutally honest with you… you may mean well, but you’re not doing either yourself or your friend any favors. If he’s bipolar and not seeking medical treatment, he’s not going to get better. He WILL contradict himself because his mood swings are radical and his perception of reality will be radically different depending on the mood. Pointing that out to him only irritates him and makes him feel worse about himself (which I know isn’t your intent). If you love someone, you love them for who he is, not for what his potential is. It’s lovely to see his potential and encourage him, but what is HE doing to reach that potential? Why are you with someone if they make you feel like walking on eggshells, need to call suicide hotlines and verbal abuse hotlines? Let him go and do some soul searching to figure out why you’re drawn to those who hurt you or you need to change in order to be happy. Don’t keep hanging around, being hurt, arguing with him about why you’re hurt, etc. That’s the blame game and a never ending cycle. Consider counseling to understand yourself better. To be clear, I’m not saying you should never be in a relationship with someone who is bipolar. I’m saying a bipolar relationship doesn’t have to be a dysfunctional relationship. I wish you the best of luck and hope you take this the way it’s intended – to steer you toward a happier, healthier life.
Hi! thanks for reading and thanks for the advice.
I do love him for who he is, but he is not “himself” when he is like this.
The more I have been reading this blog, the more I have forgiven him. I am definitely willing to continue the friendship. He doesn’t have super strong mood swings, though he talks a lot and jumps from topic to topic just a bit. He is late 40s, lives with and cares for a sick mother (does quite well, actually) and holds down a job. He is forgiving, open minded, and takes responsibility for himself (he admits his faults when he understands he’s wrong). He also understands his limits, it seems.
Also, I forgot to mention, he has chosen to go back to therapy (on his own) and he is starting Lorazepam again.
And I never said I was drawn to him BECAUSE he needed to be changed or rescued. It’s in spite of that. I am drawn to him because he is funny, charming, interesting, open minded, intelligent, and a freethinker.
Why is there such a stigma against wanting to help others, and why the assumption that that’s the reason I attracted to him? I didn’t know he was so poorly off when I first became friends withhim, so that can’t be the case.
I definitely don’t think there’s a single thing wrong with helping people…. quite the contrary. However, in your first comment you were clearly distressed and expressed a pattern of feeling hurt by people and feeling like when you expressed that hurt, were dismissed by them. You used the phrase “it’s brutal” and expressed feeling devalued and ashamed. THAT is what made me say you might want to consider counseling. You may not be seeking out dysfunctional people, they may be drawn to you because of your empathetic nature and willingness to forgive. I’m not being critical, heck, I’ve been married for 30 years to my bipolar spouse. However, I realized after a few years that some of my caring behavior was actually making him worse. I did things a lot like you (trying to point out irrational behavior, feeling hurt, forgave him… repeat). It wore me down and damaged his self esteem. I had to learn to set boundaries and not “engage” in every argument I was invited to. Perhaps I’m reading too much into your comment because of my own experience. If so, forgive me. I learned a lot about myself and bipolar disorder by going to a counselor and can’t express enough gratitude for the lessons I was taught. Again, there’s nothing wrong with being a good, caring friend. There IS something wrong with you feeling verbally and emotionally abused and just putting up with it. I’m happy to hear he’s going back to the doctor for treatment and wish you both the very best!
Ah, I see. Yes, I was conditioned a bit as a child to just suck it up and to assume the other person was right, but I didn’t do it too much. I eventually stand up for myself.
I am very logical and am good at “proving” another person wrong to defend myself, but I am learning that it isn’t that way with bipolars, since they are not trying to be adverse and are not consciously lying, they truly believe what they say in and of the moment.
I am less bothered by the stuff he says and does the more I read about the cause and true nature of the behaviour, and I did stand up for myself the last time he did it. He wasn’t super unreasonable, and wasn’t screaming and yelling (he never really did, not even the second time), and he handled it somewhat well for someone talking so irationally. He chose to end the conversation so as not to get upset.
But no, I haven’t been “forgiving” him. I did apologize after the second time (because what I did seemed at the time, to me, to actually be an overanalysis- and I had been unfairly judgmental against him earlier on a few weeks before, which might have scared him off). But I don’t do that with him anymore on this issue, and also, I certainly didn’t just enable him the rest of the freindship.
I will tell him when there’s something I don’t like or that he needs to change. And he usually agrees or at least stands up for his viewpoint. He’s very self sufficient like that, in that he is who he is and doesn’t try to change for anyone, unless he thinks he is hurting or offending someone.
I can see why you might think he would decide to latch onto me. I am definitely one of the few caring and giving people left in the world, but I did “test” him a couple times to see if he would take advantage of me (we were going to hang out, so I offered to pick him up, and he said no, he would take the money to come down- so I knew he was not selfish; also offered to do the housework when I came up, he said “no, you don’t have to do that”).
I was upset last night when I typed that, but, to be honest, he’s only done this to me three times over the course of about 6 months, and other than that, he’s great, funny, fun, and seems to admit his mistakes and want to change. He admits fault in things like past relationships (doesn’t “blame the ex”- in fact, I do that more than he does) and he seems to understand he needs therapy and also meds, which is a big thumbs up in my book!
Thank you for the advice, I am working on even better boundaries, but they weren’t as shaky as they seemed to you in the beginning. What should I do? Ignore him when he gets irrational? Tell him to stop? Tell him I won’t let him mislabel me?
Really it’s the gaslighting I received as a child that makes this so painful, and made it hard to not take his comments as truth about me.
I am tough, smart, AND loving enough to handle this 98% of the time wonderful friend of mine! Also willing to rent every bipolar book in the library to read about how to handle him, which I should have done in the beginning…
Everyone has to decide for themselves what their boundaries are. I know I would NOT engage in the verbal sparring when you know he’s in a mood. He got that right. It’s OK to say “this is going nowhere so we should just talk later”. It’s probably a good thing to learn more about bipolar. Natasha writes wonderful articles that have relly helped me understand it better. It’d also a good thing to learn about your own childhood and the “gas lighting” you received. Again, not because you’re doing anything wrong, but because it might help you understand your own hot button issues. It really all boils down to relationships – it’s just more intense with someone who is bipolar…. so anything you can do to understand yourself better, and your relationship issues better, will help you deal with a bipolar friend better.
I agree, Lori.
However, gaslighting is not something which works on specific people or those for whom it is a hot button issue. It is something that can effect anyone. It’s a conversational tactic and can work on anyone, not specific kinds of people.
All it requires is that the person being gaslighted not be sure about a fact and the other person taking advantage of that and telling them something not true. Since no one knows everything, anyone can be gaslighted. If you have had reason to doubt your own perception about something in the past, then you can be gaslighted about that thing you were supposedly misperceiving. Therefore, anyone can be gaslighted, so long as he doubts his perception about or does not know the details of the issue the other person is gaslighting hiim about.
But, yes, sometimes a person who was gaslighted about a lot of things is “ripe” for being gaslighted more often, simply because there are many more things that they have doubts about (since they were never told the truth and therefore do not have the truth as a weapon).
I also agree that counseling can help anyone who has been abused in the past, even if the abused person was not hurt because of some weakness or defectiveness (as so many abusers like to claim- “you were only hurt by my behaviour because you’re ___”).
My boyfriend has broken up with me again after becoming frustrated with me during some sort of episode. His perception of my actions didn’t match with the reality (again). This time he wanted to see the pictures on my camera from a recent trip. He couldn’t understand that the camera had been borrowed from a friend who joined me on the trip and that I don’t actually own a camera. He remembered seeing me pack the camera and my trying to understand how he saw that was what made him frustrated and he walked out again. Aside from our differing realities, he also seems convinced I have a secret lover (I do not) and that I am trying to kill him (I am not). We have had many wonderful times and the sense of closeness I feel with him makes me want to pursue him with the hope we can have more good times. I’ve urged him to be reassessed as his paranoid thoughts seem like more than the bp he was diagnosed and medicated for. He is perfect but for this stupid illness, whatever it is. I am really so sad to think he will never trust me.
Hi Amanda –
I know how difficult it is to have a relationship with someone whose perception of reality is so drastically different from yours, so different from what is actually happening – or not happening as the case may be as with his being convinced you have a secret lover. My ex-fiancee also was convinced I had a lover even though I did not and would never do that. Of course that hurts a lot when you realize the person you love so much seriously believes you are cheating on them when you aren’t.
But what concerns me even more, in your case, is his believing you are trying to kill him. Because if he really believes that, you could be in real danger of him doing something violent to you in order to (in his mind) “protect” himself from you hurting or killing him first. This may sound outlandish, but for example, it is exactly what the defendant in the “American Sniper” killings said as his reason why he killed “American Sniper” Chris Kyle and his friend Chad Littlefield. He thought they were going to to kill him, so in that warped reality, he decided to kill them first.
I also understand and can very much identify with your remembering the many wonderful times you have had with him and the sense of closeness you feel with him, and how those things make you want to pursue him with the hope you can have more good times. I did exactly that, for longer than I should have, in retrospect. Others such as friends and family could see things more clearly than I could, because for one thing they did not have those wonderful memories and times with her as I did, and they could not see the potential for a wonderful future together with her as I could. But they were right. It took me enduring more of the same anger, paranoia, false accusations, etc. before I realized that marrying her might not be a good idea.
One of the main challenges, when it comes to deciding about continuing the relationship or not, is that it is, by necessity, a “binary” decision. That is to say it is a Yes or No, one way or the other decision. There are only two choices. To continue it or not. But our emotions are far from binary. Yet we still need to make a binary decision.
It’s very difficult to break up with someone you love so much, but at some point you/we need to face the harsh, stark reality of the situation and make the decision to either keep trying, or to break it off. If the person is not admitting they have a problem, and not getting treated for it, it is almost certain you are going to continue having the severe and very painful problems you are already experiencing, And it may get even worse.
Even without his paranoia about you trying to kill him, you are in a very, very difficult situation whose outcome is not likely to be good. With that kind of paranoia added to the mix, you could also be in very real physical danger. I think you should take stock of the whole situation and make the binary decision I think you already know you need to make.
Remember that if you do break up with him, you will someday find someone much better who treats you much better and who loves you as you really need to be loved. Keep looking forward to that, not looking back, and someday you will have that kind of relationship. It will be a gradual, sometimes sporadic process, but in time it will get easier to look forward more and more, and to look back less and less. Good luck to you! And Happy St, Patrick’s Day!
Hi,
I was diagnosed with bipolar II disorder in November, and although it brought me clarity, it brings me so much sadness to finally realize how sick I was. I dated a boy for about 8 months, and now looking back, I was so unstable, refusing to get help and just so verbally abusive. The last time we spoke I lied to him, to appear that I was better because in my mind set, I felt that he was upset with me, it would make it easier for him to let go. I know that’s so stupid, I’ve been stable since December but I know he wont believe me. I don’t hate him for leaving at all, but should I keep trying to have contact? I am healthy, and don’t want a relationship with him. He was just such a great friend, and cared for me so much.
So, basically what I am trying to ask is, how do i get over that someone i love left me because of actions, caused by my disease, and how do I accept that I lost him forever.
I am just so upset with myself, and having such a hard time accepting by actions, and am so angry that I didn’t get help so much earlier.
Ok! Two things:
First, you didn’t know how this would all turn out, so when you took the decision not to get help, you made the judgement with the best knowledge you had at the time, with the best “head” you had at the time. So, you didn’t make a bad decision.
Second, when you’re ill as you have been, it’s hard to be rational, hard to be logical, not least because Bipolar Disorder (like most mental illness) screws around with your ability to think logically as well as how you perceive your world. Not your fault – it’s something that simply goes with the territory, and there’s very little you can do about it.
So, don’t beat up on yourself so much! You’re being much too hard on yourself. :)
Erika, Harry is right (as always!, lol). You did the best you could under the circumstances. If you broke something during an epileptic seizure, would you beat yourself up for it? My husband is bipolar and I admit I sometimes get angry with him because of actions I know are a result of a bipolar “flare”. Intellectually I understand (if he’s taking his meds as directed) he can’t really help his twisted reasoning at times. Yet it hurts anyway… but for the most part I can set aside those hurt feelings and focus on the big picture and all he does right. Some people simply do not understand or have the right disposition to deal with bipolar. It’s best to let those people leave. I take it from your message that you have already apologized. It’s up to him to accept it or not. If he can’t deal with it, you don’t want to try to make him be something he’s not. It simply won’t work. Instead of focusing on your mistakes, or a guy, from the past, try to look forward to a better life now you have the proper diagnosis and treatment. Send a letter to him and apologize if you must (or haven’t already), but then let it go. If he’s the right one for you, he’ll be back. If not, think how great the next relationship will be now that you are healthier, especially if you find a guy more suited to you.
Hi Erika –
I think you may be making some premature assumptions about having “lost him forever.” You also say you love him, so maybe you really would like him to be more than a friend? Maybe he loves you too in a “more than a friend” way. You may be making these premature assumptions to protect yourself from hurt, but then again if you do love him and he does love you in that way it would be a shame to just give up now because of the problems you had earlier and assumptions you are making now, especially if you have the new clarity and stability and health you said you have. I’m assuming that means you are getting treated for your bipolar II and not avoiding or skipping the treatments, whether they involve medication or therapy/counseling or both.
In my opinion you should be honest with him and tell him what you wrote in your post, including the part about you lying to him before to make it easier for him to leave. Again, you were making an assumption there that he was upset with you. Let him be the one to tell you he is upset or that he wants to leave, if he does. But let him make those decisions based on being fully informed about everything. Maybe his choice will surprise you – in a good way. :) And if he chooses otherwise, you are no worse off than you are now in terms of that relationship, except perhaps for being hurt a bit more. But I think it would be worth the risk to give him a chance. If you do, you will at least know he made his decision based on true and complete information. If he knows you are now aware of and very sorry for the way you treated him before, I think that would be very important for him to know, whether or not you two ever become a couple again. And I think it would greatly increase the likelihood that you could become a couple again.
I will echo Harry and Lori in saying you are being way too hard on yourself. Kudos to you actually for being one of the 50% of bipolar people who has what they call “insight,” which is being aware of and acknowledging your condition. That is HUGE in terms of helping making it possible for you to have a successful relationship, especially if you also combine that with faithfully taking any medications and therapy/counseling you need. If you are doing that, then that is even HUGER and more kudos to you. How much I wish my ex-fiancee was able to have “insight” and get diagnosed and get treatment. We’d probably still be together. So don’t give up too soon. Give him the opportunity to make his own decision based on complete information. Including how you really feel about him – if you really would like to be “more than friends.” :)
Good luck!
Hi, in my case, I am the one who is ill. I really don’t know if I consider myself as mentally ill. I am suffering from consistent night terrors, like hitting, screaming, cursing while asleep since 2009. My parents were the ones who took care of me during those times. Then my parents died in March 2013. I decided to live with my partner because I felt so alone, my partner and I have been living for 2 years and every night he is experiencing these night terrors. And these past few days, these night terrors became more and more harmful, he told me I scratched him, hit him so hard and I even bit him when he was covering my mouth (preventing me from shouting). I told him no to cover my mouth whenever I scream, because I sometimes can’t breathe and become paranoid that I may have sleep paralysis when he covers my mouth (which I sometimes think may cause me death). But he still continues to cover my mouth everytime I scream/shout/curse while asleep, he told me he was just worried that some of our neighbors might think there’s something wrong going on in our house. I really do not know what to do, but I have read some articles that can help me like consultation and enough sleep. I suffer also from anxiety, I also become tense often. I do not want to take medications because I am afraid that I may get dependent on the medications instead of controlling and preventing myself from becoming more ill like getting enough exercise, sleep, and the like. Please give me some advice on how to cure this kind of sickness. I want my partner to be happy, I do not want him to end up leaving me because he is hurt. I love him so much. He is the only one I have. I got no parents, my relatives left me and did not take care of me, I only have him, my husband. I know I am selfish but I cannot assure someone will love me like the way my husband loves me. He knows everything about me, he accepts me, all of me. But I don’t want him to get hurt because of my unconscious actions, so please help me. I sometimes think if I am gonna leave him because I know he gets hurt so much, but there’s this selfishness of mine that I do not want to be alone again, and I really really love him.. Please help. I need your help.
I am lost. Seven months into our relationship my partner crashed. Better after one night in hospital but 2 days later decided to leave our home and live in a crisis centre with little or no contact with me. I am supposed to wait indefinitely with no contact. She can go to classes, volunteer work, out with friends and such but cannot have contact with me. I feel abandoned. The illness was brought on by recent anxiety unrelated to our supportive relationship. She believes her need for her space and her spiritual journey justify her actions. My needs are not a part of the picture and I am not asking for much. She has said we can talk about next steps when she gets home (whenever that is) in terms of what she needs. I know mental illness clouds choices, but unless you are at rock bottom, it should not absolve you from considering the impact of your actions on others. I do not understand and I do not want this to be my life. I believe her needs will always come ahead of what I might need to be happy in a relationship. I am in limbo and just waiting for the days to pass by until I know wht is going on. In the meantime, grieve the loss.
This article is exactly what I needed to read right now. My son has been in love with a woman who is bipolar and not medicated. She is currently pregnant with his child; however, she has had 3 suicide attempts in the past month. They have been living with me and when she goes in an “episode”, as we’ve come to call it, she attacks my son and I. Him both physically and verbally and me by burning my stuff. After this very last episode of burning a lot of stuff in my house and destroying personal property, my son has decided that he’s done with her. We’ve tried long and hard to help her and support her, but this has crossed the line. The time has come to walk away for our own safety and sanity in this house. My son intends on being there for the baby and getting CPS involved to make sure she doesn’t keep trying to kill herself and the baby. This is a very hard thing to do and a sad time. However, I know it’s the right thing to do for everyone. Thank you for reaffirming that!
I’m mentally ill and I refuse to go anywhere or to be treated like I’m some dumb waste of air fuck, I will take meds and I want to take them to be better but my dumb ass doctor has cut me off of them on purpose and I wont go in to see him cause I can’t even go outside to do so with out them! I’ve now lost every single family member and friend and every one I ever knew cause of this, I’m completely alone but I have my mom still but she is also mentally ill and she does take meds, It’s not far that I have to live this way for 3 months now not even being able to step out of the door not one foot. I have bipolar schizophrenia An I do not know how long I can hold out for controlling and suppressing these massive emotions and now minor talking in my head mix with loud ringing sometimes in one ear while the other goes dead non hearing for minutes and I feel pain from it! I need Risperidone 6mg (generic equivalent to Risperdal) once every single day in order to be better and I can’t order it online cause it needs a fucking Prescription! There is no cure for bipolar atm and there is myths that my schizophrenia doesn’t ether. He clearly knows this and that I have to take life long meds and he cut me off so I would lose it and get sent to the loonie bin little does he know I will never go back there ever! My Dr. is [moderated]. An HE DESTROYED MY LIFE! After I get my meds and I feel better my life is completely destroyed from him now. Just being this way my whole life caused enough issues cause he never diagnosed me in the right way I had to be sent to the hospital when I was 18 to find this out, I could of had a better life, even tho tons of ppl mentally and physically ruined me in every way possible but the meds back in time would have helped me dramatically! I’ve only had one gf and in that time from what she did made me even worse so I havn’t had one in 7 years an I have not lived a life it has bein nothing but suffering, I do be-leave I suffer from post dramatic stress as well as multi-personality identity disorder, An OCD massive emotional issues like depression and anxiety an the anxiety he didn’t even care about he thinks I do not have it I clearly know wtf it is I am feeling, the depression he gave pills all Dr’s do from that but they did is make me worse so I flushed them down a toilet a year ago cause no one liked me when I was on them and when I didn’t take them they felt I was easier and nicer and more normal to be around. I also have and never got meds or the right kind of disability’s and I also have the following that was never helped with: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), Paranoid Personality Disorder, Dramatic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Histrionic Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Anxious Personality Disorder, Avoidant Personality Disorder, Dependent Personality Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder. I also took a test to prove these factors he are the results: Paranoid |||||||||||||| 59% 50%
Schizoid |||||||||||||||| 62% 40%
Schizotypal |||||||||||| 48% 56% (The ones one the right mean normal the ones on the left are what I scored)
Antisocial |||||||||||||||| 65% 46%
Borderline |||||||||||||| 58% 45%
Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 68% 52%
Narcissistic |||||||||||||| 55% 40%
Avoidant |||||||||||||||| 63% 48%
Dependent |||||||||||||||| 61% 44%
Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||| 57% 45%
I just want the meds I need to feel normal I am fully self aware of myself and what I have and just want the meds I need to feel better inside and to try and work on a new life to create it for myself again and I cant with out them I am only going down hill and if it keeps going on with out them for a long time I’m afraid that I will lose myself into the black hole of an abyss. I have a healthy home and I do my best to live as healthy as I can and to try to avoid not to rage or get mad over things but some things are just so hard to not get involved with but I’ve now learned that who am I to tell some one how there doing some thing and what there doing is completely wrong when I myself am mentally ill so I’ve now learned to just walk away and not talk to them, I honestly can’t remember the last time I felt happy, what I can remember at time of happiness is a feeling that I cannot handle it’s like being on 90000000mg of sugar It is a feeling I do not like cause I don’t like the way it makes me feel inside, I just want to feel and be normal again and I can’t cause of the Dr. but I guess he doesn’t realize how serious my disability’s are or if he even cares, he clearly doesn’t understand that I can’t go outside with out them let alone if I by some miracle make it there I can’t stay in the waiting room with a group off ppl I don’t know in any way at all so after I check in and sit down for 1 minute I’d just get up and go back home again where I feel normal and don’t feel those feelings and don’t have body shaking or twitching, or massive sweating, This also caused by myself with also having manic issues an zero tolerance for any thing with zero patience with anything and not wanting to wait at all or for a long time at all ever, mixed with my INTJ personality it’s no wonder why I can’t fucking make it into the Dr.s at all, An if he see’s me if By some miracle I got into see him I have to explain what he’s so post to know and my mind locks up outside and I cannot act or be myself and I get memory loss until I feel comfortable in a environment to open up more even then I cannot remember every single thing I have to write it all down but as he reads it in-front of me I have to wait with anxiety and extreme paranoia that he will just want to send me into some lock up so he doesn’t have to deal with it and I am still me and I can be normal I just need the meds, Let alone I have also bein feeling alot of pain threw out my body in my spinal cord lower back my ribs in certain spots an my arms and hands feel so much pain at times I cant even play a video game, and my legs knees and feet hurt alot cause I spend alot of time walking in my house cause on the last visit with him he basically called me fat I was over 210 lbs but I now feel n look way better I think I am now under 190 I feel like 184. I also have a severe teeth problems and I can’t go to get help with my teeth or them pulled out cause I need my meds. I also have a ulcer and if I don’t take my meds for that, that he still gives thank god: is severe it turns into burning then not being able to eat anything or drink any thing but milk products with no acid or sugar added in any of it but milk flavoring, every thing has acid related products all food and all drinks and what doesn’t which isn’t much still creates massive burning it’s basically a really nasty deadly flu like symptoms that turns into that after a week or two even if I buy my required products, an then not eating every day or drinking everyday I start after I couple days to a week start puking up tons of blood alot of it I even had massive chunks that I thought was my own body part like my belly come out out and after water rinsed on them was just like that so I put them in a baggy and went to the hospital (I found out it was blood clogs) my mom was ready to call the ambiance but I refused to have a $500 bill so I got a ride, an I found out I have a ulcer and they don’t know how many but they gave me a med paper to pick up meds for it only to find out it’s not covered and I cannot afford it so now I’m on cheaper pills that only work from consistent taking use always making sure I take one every single day no matter what I cannot miss them at all and if I do this will happen again because I’m so post to be on stronger ones, my Dr. honestly thinks It’s not that bad that I don’t need them really that he only gives me at most ref 4 and expects me to contact him every 4th month, I get my mom to do this but while I wait I go threw that flu again until I get them and it takes 2-3 days to fully recover from it again. It happens every 4 months that I go threw that, cause of the Dr. All I want is the meds that I will need for life to be and live healthier and to feel and be better. Can some one out there help me with getting them or you all think I’m not even worth it? I am fully still here an I need the meds for the love of god, Saying to let go of some one that isn’t like the other mental ppl that fully wants the meds in the comfort of there own home is like so wrong that I cannot help but say your a fucking idiot and some one who doesn’t even care in some one that still has a chance to live. I am only asking and saying pure honestly and truth I just want to be better I don’t need to be locked up in any way shape or form. Even when I was locked up twice in my past it only made me worse cause it’s out of my environment where I feel comfortable and able to be better much faster I just need the meds, and I’m fully normal with them. I have not hurt any one in any way with any force I have never left a mark one anyone in a very long time years even I am not a threat to anyone in anyway shape or form I am a very sensitive nice person, I just don’t like how I am or what I am feeling and going threw, to keep happening, I may make a person get upset or even cry but it says with out any kind of disability I have of any kind that just my INTJ personality alone makes me seem very cold or even emotionless person when I am extremely sensitive person inside. I am still me, and I will fight to be me so much that I will even if that means isolating myself to keep myself normal, I will do it I will not lose myself I do not want to I refuse to. If you seek to reek havoc on me or just want to say some thing nasty to me it will only make my life worse I do not need more stress in my life at all in any way shape or form! I am seeking understanding and support in getting my meds I ain’t some crazy that needs locked up, I am still me and will always fight to be.
(this msg took me a hour and a half so don’t make my life worse please)
Moderator: You cannot name specific doctors like that. There is too much liability involved.
Ryan, I’m very sorry for your medical condition and the fact that your doctor cut you off from your meds. It’s not clear to me why this happened, but it IS clear to me you need to be on Risperdone and probably some other mood stabilizer. Have you tried going to another doctor? If nothing else, I think I would go to the emergency room and tell them you are suicidal (lie if you have to). I think they HAVE to admit you and give you meds if you do that. At least that way you can get your prescription. Keeping you in my prayers.
Thank you Foxy, Lori and Bob so much.
It does help to know that people you have never met are able to share their honest opinions and experience to help others. This has helped me and I know I need to move foward because he is not the same person I fell in love with and probably won’t ever be the same. That is the most hurtful thing to have to realize. But thank you guys, I really appreciate your feedback.
Would you leave someone because they broke their leg, and it cost you money insurance-wise? Would you leave someone with cancer? Not all those who are mentally ill are absolute hurricanes. I sought psychiatric care for my depression and I had triggers, but my husband left me, anyway. In ever cheated, I never stole – I only had outbursts of mood and threatened suicide. BUT again, I sought help for myself. So ask yourself this: if you have a mental health issue, and are actively doing something to help yourself, and your partner leaves, why would you even want someone like that? Aren’t marriage vows in sickness and in health?
I think your husband should have been more patient with you, because your illness has not caused you to cause too much trouble. Some husbands will take any excuse to leave, however. (Mine did and I don’t have bipolar.)
On the other hand, there are those of us who have suffered so much at the hands of bipolar rages and destruction of our lives and property that we must leave the situation for the sake of our own health and sanity.
I was literally dying while trying to cope with a bipolar relative that I foolishly invited to recover at my home. After he switched to a manic state, thousands of dollars worth of my personal property was broken, lost and stolen by creepy people whom he invited into my home. Dogs freely destroyed my new rug and I might come home from work to find a family living in one of my bedrooms. If I made the mildest protest I was subjected to a wild-eyed screaming rage and all the filthy language accompanying.
As for myself, I was coughing 24 hours a day, losing a lot of sleep, getting pneumonia and other illnesses almost back to back. I had glaring red rashes that I had not been able to alleviate and suddenly, after I moved out of my own home, they were gone almost miraculously. In three years, I’ve scarcely even caught any illnesses, despite the fact that I care for a grandson who brings one illness after another home from daycare.
I rented the home to this relative, but even that did not work. I was losing my house no matter what I did. Every time I tried to alleviate the problems destroying my home, he would either go into a rage or undermine my efforts by running off the contractors or telling to handle the work differently than I had requested. The destruction was ongoing and he was filling the rooms with the possessions of other people. I just had to sell the home to get my life back and to be able to move on.
I’ve been reading many forums and blogs to help me deal with leaving my ex bf who is bipolar just two months ago. It was soo hard to make the final decision, especially since we have been together for 5 years. I find myself going through many mixed emotions. From feeling sad, depressed, upset and anxious. I hate feeling this way because I’m usually a happy and energetic person.
It’s so unfair to be going through this while he’s seeing another girl he recently met and cheated on me with and basically stays with now that I left and moved out of a place we had together. Its so unfair to love someone so much and think that you would spend the rest of your life with and this hits. I’ve been with him through his first manic episode and dealing with his most recent one I had to leave. It felt like I was giving up but this time around I needed him to make a change and get better. But he’s still in denial and refuses to seek help.
I still keep in touch with him but it gets hard because I believe he’s still in his episode. He still blames me for leaving and asks me to come back but doesn’t want to change and tells me he doesn’t need to give anyone an explanation. I get upset when he doesn’t text me back or call. I know I need to move on but it’s really hard right now to completely let go. I really appreciate this article, it helps me not to feel guilty for putting me first.
I’ve noticed a lot of similar comments as yours on all of these forums….partner cheats or lies, partner quickly gets on with the next person they will date, without any room in between parting from you and their new found love, this extreme manic phase of “I’m so much better off without you” quickly followed by this need to somehow lure you back in. Everything I’m reading about these types of scenarios leads me to believe this isn’t actually bipolar. Bipolar, from my understanding doesn’t come with all of these abandonment issues, stagnant victimization states, and the constant lack of empathy for others. In those cases, there’s usually something else going on, such as a personality disorder, which medication cannot cure. There are a LOT of things that are hard for physicians to pin down because some of the symptoms of mood disorders also overlap in personality disorders. Trying to separate the two is also hard. If I were you, I’d also examine and look into the possibility that this person is suffering from something more than just bipolar, such as borderline personality disorder, or narcissistic personality disorder, and I mean…really look into it…there are many variations of both and they present differently in different people. If any of it rings a bell, you’ll have some answers for yourself so that you can eventually find the courage to just let go of this person. Unfortunately, and I really mean that, some people really truly do not know how to love someone else, because they never learned how to love themselves…and they don’t want to learn. They are already getting it from everyone outside of them…through attention. Sometimes….really loving someone like this, does mean leaving them. They may not ever change, but you being there is just enabling them not getting the help they need to discover in themselves.
You told him what you needed from him if he wanted you to stay, but he’s not willing to do it. Sometimes it’s easier for a person to find someone new than admit they need to do the work to get better. He hasn’t made a lot of mistakes with the new girl yet, so she still sees him in a more positive light. You cannot save him, nor should you try. A relationship is TWO people working together to get through this life. The last thing he needs is an enabler who will allow him to go untreated. Sending mixed signals to someone with bipolar makes it even harder for them to sort out their feelings (which is what you’re doing by texting and calling after leaving him). Know yourself and your boundaries and HONOR that. You’d be surprised how others will learn to honor it too – and if not, you don’t want them in your life. This is the foundation of any relationship, not just someone with bipolar, but it’s even more important with someone whose emotions are so intense and volatile. You HAVE to be consistent.
Hi Ash –
I wanted to reassure you that you are making the right decision, even though it is very difficult. You invested yourself in him for 5 years, no doubt with great expectations. I am sure he has/had some very good qualities which attracted you to him in the first place and make it difficult now to for you to leave the relationship behind as you move forward now with the rest of your life.
But that is exactly what you need to do or you will be stuck in a never-ending nightmare of all of the negative things you described, and I am sure you could add more negative and very painful things to the list. It is important to realize it will be never-ending, perhaps even getting worse as time goes by. Love is not enough to make a bipolar person well or to make being in a relationship with them tolerable… or in most cases even possible. I wish it was, but I found out the hard way, as you have, that it was not enough. Love does not conquer all, and most assuredly does not conquer bipolar.
I say all this based on my own very difficult experience (which is much like yours) with my ex-fiance who I am sure has Bipolar, and possibly some of the other disorders Foxy mentioned. Being an analytical person, I spent a lot of time reading about Bipolar and Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissism, etc. as I tried to determine (for my own benefit and understanding as well as hers) if she had these disorders. She would never admit she might have a problem, so I had no doctor’s evaluation to go by, although one marriage/relationship counselor we went to didn’t take long to say she thought my ex may have “PTSD or something.”
At one point I realized that whether or not she technically or officially had any of these disorders, I could definitely tell from all my reading that even if she didn’t (technically speaking), she was still very, very close to having them. From my perspective, whether she had them or not, the consequences/effects of her very negative and unhealthy behavior, words, attitudes, etc. were still just as terrible, not just for her but for me too. I realized I did not need to get an “official” diagnosis for her, that even if she didn’t technically or “officially” have bipolar, she was dangerously close to having it and the very negative and unhealthy fallout and effects were the same.
If you don’t leave him, you are sentencing yourself to more of the same. Five years is a long time to invest in someone, but 8 is even more, 10 is more still, etc. You have a right to be loved and respected and happy, and being with a bipolar person is a sure path in the other direction. Especially if he is not admitting he has a problem and is not taking steps to deal with it. Even if he was admitting it and trying to deal with it, it is something that can never be cured… at best it can be “managed,” but even then, from all I have read here and elsewhere, that too is an ongoing battle and challenge for many if not most people with bipolar.
There are reasons why 90% of all marriages involving a bipolar person end in divorce. I have experienced many of those reasons, and so have you. My guess is that when the bipolar person does not admit they have a problem or won’t take steps to deal with it, the divorce rate must be even higher than 90%.
Stay the course because you have made the right (albeit difficult) decision. As Lori and Foxy both said, do not communicate with him or it will make the healing process take longer and be much more difficult. It will be hard at first to stop communicating, but you need to do that for your own benefit and also for his. And as difficult as breaking up with someone you love is, try to remember it will be far more difficult to NOT break it off and to continue living with all the extremely negative and painful and literally unhealthy effects of the relationship. It is not uncommon for people to say that it can be “hellish” to live with a bipolar person. I experienced that and from the sound of it you have too. I am sure you don’t want to live that kind of existence for the rest of your life.
It will take awhile, but each day or each week or each month it will get easier and in awhile you will be well on your way to moving forward again with your life and onto something (and someone) much, much better.
Make it a point to look forward, to look ahead, to that, and someday that will be exactly what you have.
Thank you very much for your kind and heart warming words. This is the first time I’ve ever spoken about this openly to strangers and it’s made me feel a lot better that I’m doing the right thing for me. I know it’s a long riode ahead but I’m prepared to take that journey into another phase of my life. I know it will be hard at times but I’m stronger than I was 5 years ago. Life has to move on. Thank you again. One day at a time. I need to keep positive about my future knowing I can make my own choices and decisions in life.
I felt so alone. After 28 years of marriage I’ve finally made the decision to leave. It’s been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I feel so guilty leaving him because he has bipolar but it’s making me ill. His illness appeared five years ago and over night he became a different person to live with. Someone I love but not in love with anymore. It all started when he had a nervous breakdown 25 years ago which we got through our daughter was one at the time. He was hospitalised for a few weeks and then therapy and medicine for awhile.. Things got better and got in with everyday life good and bad. But things started to surface over the years but put it down to marriage children and life. But drinking started to affect his moods his actions. He is very good with his abilities ie put his hand to anything. But his moods were getting difficult to live with. Then it all went upside down five years ago when he lost his mind and started acting and speaking to himself and a picture on the wall it was a very scary time. After getting help eventually he wa hospitalised for a few weeks again and was now told he had bipolar. It was a very difficult time one daughter had already moved out but other daughter at home 15 years old. She found it very difficult to live with his moods even though he was on medication. I think he was in denial for quite sometime he was still drinking which is not good on meds. We were slowly drifting apart nothing in common anymore. With many ups and downs it finally came to a head last year a few months before our daughters wedding. I found he had been privately messaging a young girl who I thought as a friend to us both. I’ve always trusted him but things have happened that the trust has gone. I thought knew him I thought I trusted him if nothing else but some of the messages were deleted and I found the rest. It was very jokey messages but I felt totally let down. It is isn’t just this incident that has made my decision. We ploughed through the wedding said we would give it six months went on holiday got through Xmas but nothing has changed for me. He is in a more positive place now he hasn’t been drinking since January and eating healthily. We both agreed we needed time apart so we are now at a trial separation I’ve moved out. But the sad thing is I don’t have the same feelings for him as I did earlier in the relationship so much has happened. I became his mother his carer treading on egg shells all the time. Didn’t say anything to annoy him frustrate him just plodded on. But I’ve got to a point where my existence is ridiculous I feel so alone we are not a team anymore. We’ve got to a point where we both just try and get through each day without upsetting the other. We both feel it’s not healthy for the relationship or each other. So I’ve moved out to my mothers which is really hard to leave my daughter. I feel extremely guilty. But I couldn’t live that life anymore. I do worry for his health but I’m being selfish and worrying about myself for once. I’ve always bought my children up to believe life is too short and if your not happy change it. So I should practice what I preach. It’s the not knowing if your doing the right thing. I’ve no money, no home, no job after 28 years of marriage. Now what!!
hi Wendy,
it sounds like you’ve had a rough time of it. Unfortunately life is tough and there is no crystal ball – we just never know what the future holds – which is why every day we need to live as best as we can by always trying to be the best that we can.
I’m a big believer in being tenacious, loyal and never giving up and it certainly seems that you’ve invested yourself for a loooooooong time in trying to support and love a person who just doesn’t behave / respond the way you would like or expect.
Bipolar is a terrible disorder: I would hate for my emotions to be so overwhelming that I had such difficulty in controlling them. It must be difficult enough to deal with the personal inner aspects let alone how it impacts your integration with the rest of society.
And there’s no cure. At best you can only manage it and that takes huge amounts of honest, loyalty, discipline and trust in your non-bipolar partner / family / support team. And time. But until the bipolar person is able to accept that their view of the world is skewed and that they need to blindly trust the advice of their loved ones / therapist, relationships will always be hard.
You have 2 daughters so there must have been love in your relationship. Hold on to that. Don’t feel guilty for leaving the relationship. It takes two to make it work. Enjoy happy memories, enjoy your daughters more :) And live every day as the best person you can be. It may take time but you WILL be happy again :) Good luck.
Hi Wendy –
One thing I have learned from my own experience and from reading so much about bipolar here and elsewhere, is that it takes a terrible toll not only on the person with bipolar but also on their loved ones, especially spouses or partners. We all love our bipolar spouses/partners, but one thing I learned is that love does not conquer all. Even though she and I both loved each other very much, that by itself did not solve the serious relationship problems caused by her bipolar disorder.
At some point, we may need to end the relationship with the bipolar person for our own self-preservation. This is not being selfish (the word you used), it is protecting yourself. Unfortunately bipolar relationships can come down to that – self-preservation – in various ways – emotionally, financially, even physically.
So do not beat yourself up for taking care of your own needs. As one poster here said, speaking of spouses/partners “bipolar can destroy an otherwise healthy person.” I understand the feelings of guilt, but you need to realize that there is nothing you can do, especially if the other person is not cooperative, to “cure” bipolar or to make the bipolar person change their very unhealthy behaviors and words and attitudes.
Take one day at a time. Ask God for His grace and peace and provision to see you (and your spouse/partner) through this difficult time. It will get easier. Time is on your side.
Hi wendy.
I read your tear dropping story. My heart really goes out to you. You must be such a caring and loving lady.
I wanted to ask you for some,advice.
you see I too have been dating a bipolar/schizophrenia man for
12 yrs. I do love him very much. He stays on his medication. Until dec. 30th . He just dissappeared jan.9th fri. 2015. He has not contacted me any form. He just dissappeared in the morning. He didn’t take anything. No meds ,sscard,med paper wrk,clothes,etc. His entire life was left here in my home. We had everything in common. Will he ever show up again or call?.
He is living ,I think homeless on the beach in venice,calif. Only a mile away from home. I am so shocked. Can you email me or call 3104478830
Billie
I agree with most of the above. I also would like to know if the references made are for bipolars type II as well. I haven’t found bipolares type II in violence situations yet. I have been abused in many ways, over and over again all my life by many people inside and out of my family. I have 2 women diagnosed with bipolar type 1 and 2 in my close family (the rest they have symptoms but think they are just fine…) and if I hadn’t a self control as I do I would have kill those who still abuse me. I have been abused long enough to become a psychopath, not a bipolar type 2, and yet I haven’t been violence with no one. I am physically psychologically stronger than those who abuse me. I don’t take medication of any kind. I think it’s a lot more important to understand that we choose a personality too. If you don’t know your partner enough before you marry him or if you don’t give that person a good healthy environment you will put him/her at its limit. I’ve never stolen from anybody. I understand when you are abused and the abuser has a mental illness you should leave that person. But there are many violent people who are not mentally ill and do drugs as well. I think this would be could be more specific and address the fact that being abuse is wrong, and yes, you should leave. But understand that violence is not an exclusive characteristic of mentally ill. And not all mentally ill are abusive; there are some who are abused as well.
IMO (and this is also my psychiatrist’s) it is better not to think of Bipolar as a 2-D sliding scale between Type 2 and Type 1, but more 3-D, where the collective symptoms are not clear-cut to say that a patient is Type 2 or Type 1. I am generally regarded as being Type 2; however, there have been moments, maybe a day or so, when I have exhibited some symptoms that were more like Type 1. Personal example:
Like most Type 2’s I can be irritable, when in a depressed or hypomanic state. However, on the occasions of mixed episodes, dysphoric hypomanias, I can be very aggressive, even threatening, and on one (just the one) particularly acute occasion of a mixed state, I was in a murderous state of mind. Fortunately, it lasted less than a day, but during that time I was out looking for an excuse to kill. Even more fortunately, I coudn’t find anyone “bad” enough (according to my definition of a bad person on the day) that would have excused (in my mind) such violence! It felt most frustrating NOT to have found someone ‘bad’ enough to expend my murderous energy on! But the next day … I was much calmer and heading downwards towards the sister, if not the mother, of all depressions, hitting rock-bottom less than 2 weeks after the acute mixed episode.
Can someone please help me understand this? I’ve been with my bf for 2years now he has a residual mental illness & I still don’t understand why when he snaps he says he doesn’t wanna be with me were not going anywhere I’m a stupid bitch! Go find someone else, he ignores me for weeks I’ll text him call him he doesn’t answer :( then he’ll go back t being regular. Why do they do this? Does anyone else get ignored?
hi Ellie – I don’t think there’s an easy answer as to why people behave this way: there’s just no single set rule as to how or why people behave the way they do. However what you’ve described does seem to be a common behavioural trait with bipolar. My ex would do similar but to a far lesser degree: she would ignore my text messages for 4 hours or more – not even a polite acknowledgement or “honey, I’m busy with work – call you later’ – and apparently she wasn’t even annoyed with me. She would claim that she had been busy at work. Yet I could see that she still had time for Facebook … And once annoyed, yes, she would definitely ignore me – especially once she knew the impact it had on me. Now you could say that was just he being plain nasty. But I believe that the bipolar triggered that behaviour or amplified her nastiness.
I do also believe that a big part of bipolar is the inability to control overwhelming emotions. I don’t hold it against the bipolar person: they just can’t control their behaviour. So please don’t take your boyfriend’s actions personally. At least, not in the sense of “what have I done wrong’ – the chances are you’ve done nothing that would be considered significantly wrong in a ‘normal’ relationship.
The fact is, whether or not people want to hear or accept it: people with bipolar simply do not see the world as a normal person would. I will probably cop a lot of flack for that last statement but in my limited first hand experience but significant (subsequent) research online (not professionally): this does seem to be the case.
And bipolar does seem to be accompanied by behavioural traits that are destructive and saboutaging towards relationships.
However once a bipolar person realises and ACCEPTS this, then (and ONLY THEN) do they seem to start to make progress with managing their life and being able to function within a relationship in a consistent, sustained and long-term manner. This is usually accompanied by medication and therapy.
We first get into relationships because the other person makes us happy. You have to ask yourself, knowing what you know now, would you have first started dating this guy? Clearly you’re not happy with the pattern of behaviour you’ve experiened to-date.
So the question for you is: do you think you deserve this treatment? Do you think this is the best you deserve from a partner? If the answer is yes, then I would suggest working on yourself. If the answer is no, then you need to let your boyfriend know what you expect from him in order to be in a relationship with him and then walk away. This leaves you free for someone who is ready and able to control their behaviour (which may later be him, or it may not).
Personally (and I’ve fought this one significantly with myself for the last 3 years) I believe that we act patiently and give our loved ones as many chances as we reasonably can. HOWEVER, life is also too short to hold on to someone who continues to hurt you. You have to ask yourself, do the good times really outweigh the bad times? You don’t have to shut the door on them completely – but certainly you push them out from the Inner Circle Of Trust until their behaviour makes you believe they have changed sufficiently to be allowed closer again.
I know: it’s hard when you love someone so much. And you hope that somehow you will manage to find a workable balance. In fact we hope DESPERATELY that the person we love will be available 100%, 24×7 for the rest of our life. But it just doesn’t always work out that way (bipolar or not).
I hate cliches but they say “life is a journey’ – my take on that is that if the path is covered in gorse bushes and swamps … find a different path.
I hope that helps.
Stay strong. Focus on the things that you can rely on to make YOU happy. Force yourself to be black and white about it. Then I think that you’ll be happier single than in a bad relationship.
Thank you so much for this article, and for all the comments.
There is so much here that sounds so familiar. My husband and I have been together for 34 years, and I have reached my breaking point. I know that he’s ill and wishes he weren’t, but he keeps making the same choices (to stop taking meds that are working well, to drink, to smoke pot) over and over and over. He’s been verbally and emotionally abusive, reckless with money to the point that we’re in danger of losing our house (again), and frankly just cruel. The sad thing is that when he’s stable he’s very loving and funny. But I live on eggshells, knowing that the next downturn can come at any moment.
I’ve done everything to take care of him and keep our life together. Enabled him? Heck yes. And we both know it.
We’ve finally gotten down to the bare bones of it: Ill or not, his choices have consequences. And I am too worn out to pay those consequences for him any more. I have my own choices to make, and my own consequences to pay. I’ve chosen to stay with him and enable him for all these years, and the consequence is that I’m broke, hopeless and miserable. So I need to make different choices, whether he does or not. That means selling our house and finding separate places to live in the near future, and also splitting up our finances, car insurance, etc. In short, I need to fix my life so that I’m not responsible for his actions any more.
I still love him, and I’ve very hopeful that once he’s on his own he’ll finally be able to make better choices. (One of our issues is his resentment when I act like his “mom” and tell him what to do.) I will help him where I can, but my priority now needs to be my life and our daughter’s.
So this is the thing; when my dad realized my mom had strange behaviors when being exposed to change in the routine, or got altered when she was contradicted, he looked for an specialist that could tell what was happening to her. My mom was diagnosed with bipolarity. She started taking pills for the illness, and her behavior got a little better. But when we (dad, mom and I) got hit by economical problems, everything got worse.
My parents started having constant fights, to the point that didn’t affect me anymore, and were annoying instead of worrying. My mom stopped taking the pills, without my dad knowing that, and telling me not to say anything.
Arguing was now a daily thing. Since my mom worked on my dad’s business, it was pretty easy to argue about everything. That’s why my dad fired her. In not so long, my mom’s attitude started changing again: one day she was loving and liked to grab my dad’s hand; and other day argued how much he drived her insane and how much she wanted to get divorced and ran away from home. She always told me about what she planned to do (which at the end she never did), like trying to found the sister she lost contact with 23 years ago; founding an NGO to help kids, dogs and the elderly; or opening her own cafeteria.
I could notice how my dad’s anxiety increased. He would eat more and had a bad mood all day. Fights started getting worse: breaking cups, glass, trimmings and lots and lots of screaming and swearing. What my dad finds repulsive, is that recenlty my mom adopts a bulgar way of moving, screaming and mimicking. Like they usually argue in front of me, when my dad walks away for a minute to take air, mom quickly tries to convince me that she acts like that, and quoting her: “because she doesn’t want him to treat her like a sane person anymore”. Sometimes she also says incoherent things while arguing like: “You’re just like mi sibblings! Getting away from me saying I’m crazy!”, right before she said how much they help her. They also always end the discussions with: “we are getting divorced.” They are married until now.
I think the worse about this is that they seemed happy for a month, which was full of hand holding, laughs and watching tv late at night. I never said anything, but that sickened me. Of course, after those weeks of hope, everything fell again in fights and swearing.
My dad constantly tells me that my mom has a mental illness and that he can’t stand her, but he’ll try not to divorce her, so I could inherit some money, instead of spending it on lawyers. He also constantly tells me to research abot bipolarity, but it’s never enough, doesn’t matter how much I read about it.
On the other side, my mom says my dad is the one with the mental disease. That HE is the bipolar person and that needs treatment. She also asks me a lot about what my dad and I did in the day (I spend more time with my dad because like I said before my mom now works outside the business, which is at home, so I spend lots of time with dad). She treats me WAY too well, but when I contradict her in something she gets super pissed off and gives me more chores to do in the house (sweeping the floor, doing the dishes, cleaning the bathroom).
I love my mom. Really. But sometimes she does things that get on my nerves, and even when she knows, she still does it. She also always thinks she is right. But of course, for some reason she is completely different with the rest of the world. With all the other people she is EXTREMELY kind and generous, at the point of making her look really needy of approval.
I’m worried about my dad. He is almost 60, but has to work like a 30 year old. I’m pretty sure all the three of us want is some godamn peace, beacuse we all have extarnal crappy problems.
I don’t know what to do. I just don´t want one of us to finish all this the way God doesn’t want to; beacause I know those thoughts have been around our minds recently.
Thank you,
-A teenager.
i just left my fiance of 2 years i was controlled verbally and physically abused for the past 1 and a half her and her parents came today to pick her up from the hospital and her stuff from my house she seemed like she was getting better except for the verbally abuse part watch her drive away was the hardest decision ive ever had to make i was told the are taking her to a state hospital which i hope is true she
lost her mind completely it hits me hard i truly did love her with my heart i feel like it was the most selfish thing ive ever done my God does it hurt i pray she can be treated and recover her mind back. the times we had were really so great it was unreal but the bad was also so bad it was unreal there was no median. does any one have tips on dealing with what you felt true love and to see that persons mind gone? should i still visit her or communicate or will it just worsen her?
Hi Floyd,
I understand your pain. I’ve also gone through the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse of this type of relationship. Luckily there wasn’t ever any physical abuse, but the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse eventually did have it’s toll on my own physical well-being….so vicariously it was somewhat physical abuse that I was putting myself through.
I too understand the whole, hardest decision you’ll ever have to make part. We are told to not walk away from love, that love conquers all, that if you love someone enough anything is possible. Unfortunately we can only do so much. That person also has to love themselves enough be fitting to love you back. And likewise, you can only love someone as much as you love yourself enough to take care of you. You and your health are just as important in this equation. That was a hard part for me to suck up at first, until I finally hit rock bottom myself and felt so utterly disrespected that I had no other choice but to walk away and say “I’m done.” What you did was NOT selfish. If you are in the same boat I am/was, where I was the caretaker, and constantly looking after and making sure I was doing everything to his whim, and not voicing my feelings or opinions because it would set him off, and felt like I was constantly walking on egg shells….sir, let me tell you that you have paid your dues. In fact, you have paid it forward. Now is the time to bring it all together in you, and realize that there’s a difference between being selfish and being self interested. You MUST have self interest in yourself. You MUST care about your health, YOUR sanity, and YOUR right to have emotions, feel them, have opinions, not feel a slave to someone else’s torment. I’m guessing that when you both fell in love, you had none of the wretched qualities most of us encounter coming out of one of these relationships, and I’m sure that was a quality that attracted her to you in the first place.
The best thing for both of you is for you to focus on yourself. Get you better, and get you out of that situation and don’t look back. Do not communicate, it only prolongs pain. Maybe some time down the line, 2 years or so from now you can manage to be friends, but I wouldn’t even try to communicate. It really will just open up old wounds and hurts for both of you, and it will take longer to heal. You need to know that it’s ok to do this. This is actually the best thing you can do for her as well, even if she or her family don’t see it that way now. Don’t feel guilty, you couldn’t have stopped it, none of us can. It’s an illness that tears relationships apart, no matter how much YOU try to stop it. It’s not yours to stop. Ask yourself also if the pain you are feeling is a grief and longing for the person, or if the grief you are feeling is more in relation to how much you actually tried and failed. It’s an important question, and when you realize that there is nothing you could have done to prevent this, nothing you could have said, you couldn’t have even tried harder, you will feel less guilty that this has anything at all to do with you and your value as a person. I’m sorry to hear about your pain. I hope this helps you.
I just ended a 5 year relationship with my cyclothymic boyfriend. Things seemed to be great for the first year of dating, and then things all of a sudden flipped. I was getting paranoid comments coming from him about how the “other shoe” was going to drop, of which I had no idea what he was talking about. Things seemed to be going good, so i had little understanding of what he was referring to. Then he kept telling me that he wanted to see how we argue, which I thought was pretty weird. That seemed to be the thing that concerned him the most in our relationship at that point was…how were we going to argue. I was focused on the good stuff and he was already focusing on what was going to happen during our fights (which we hadn’t had yet) and his abandonment issues, so it was really confusing to me.
Then things just got worse. It was like a self fulfilling prophecy for him…he got what he so badly wanted and the other shoe finally did drop because I was left no other choice. I wanted to move forward in our relationship and I kept getting vague answers to that. Any time I tried to have a discussion on the topic he told me I was “ruining things.” I didn’t understand what had happened to the person I started dating. Soon after, everything became my fault. Everything bad that happened in our relationship was my fault. Every fight was my fault. Every time I tried to talk about how I felt, he’d bust in with what was upsetting him and the focus had to be on that. It was very codependent manipulation. I never got to talk about my feelings and had to hold them in for fear that he’d explode on me, or blame me for something else that I didn’t do. Every time we tried to take a trip, he’d do something to get me aggrevated (like finding out about a porn addiction he has, or looking at other women) and that was my fault. To this day, all of that is still my fault. He told me he had major trust issues and I was the cause of that, although I had never lied to him once in our 5 years together. I don’t lie to people I love.
I also noticed he acted differently around his friends and family than he did around me. Most of the time we’d go out he’d just ignore me. I didn’t feel like a priority at all at this point. I was just severely confused. He wouldn’t open up to me about anything, or any of his feelings. Instead I just got blamed for them, and blamed for things that he had been stewing over for 6 months, most of it probably misinterpreted or made up in his head. For his birthday i made him a homemade seven course meal. He opened the door of one of my kitchen cupboards and found a recipe for some cupcakes that I was going to bake him. Knowing I can’t lie I ended up spilling the beans that I was also making him my famous cupcakes. His response was “Oh that’s great I love those. I dont’ think we’re right for each other and should break up.” I just stared at him open mouthed not believing what I was hearing…..Sure bake me your cupcakes and then I don’t want you anymore. I
finally had had enough and before I broke up with him, decided I’d call his father to see if he had any advice for me, because I cared about what was happening to him. Something was definitely not right. His dad said something to me that I will never forget and never understand and told me “I don’t think my son knows how to love someone.” Wow…what am I supposed to do with that?! Needless to say, we broke up, and then unfortunately got back together again a few months later, and moved in with each other. Biggest mistake of my life. Things just went worse from there. He was mad at me for everything…for breathing, for walking into the room wrong, for not sleeping in the same bed, for sleeping in the same bed. He even got mad at me for 6 months because I hung his towel up in a different spot because otherwise it would have gotten wet. He told me I had no respect for him and I don’t know what respect is. Everything he was doing to me, was being mirrored and projected onto me and what he was doing was my fault. It’s like he didn’t have the guts to stop being in denial that he was the one creating the problems. He would accuse me of having a mental health problem…which is hilarious to me because I actually did get checked JUST to make sure that I wasn’t causing any of this, and of course, I didn’t have anything wrong with me, other than the therapist telling me that I’m in an obvious unhealthy atmosphere and environment being with him. His friends were even telling me to run. Some of his own family members were telling me to run. Everyone was telling me to run, and I didn’t listen. Boy I wish I had!!!
3 years after our initial break, I told him what his father had told me and told him that he should ask his dad what he had meant so maybe he could start understanding himself. He was so depressed I didn’t know what else to do other than tell him. He was in denial that he was acting crazy and that maybe he needed to get his medication checked. I didn’t know how else to help, and was at my breaking point. Well, what his dad had told me just happened to be the one thing that caused him to get his meds checked. After his medication switch, things seemed to be going ok. So, after 6 months of being on new medication and things going better, he finally asked his father about what he had told me, and his father denied it all. So then I was accused of being a liar and it went on about how I’ve lied about everything in the relationship and how I’m untrustworthy and how he didn’t even care about me explaining myself because I’m a liar, and he’ll never be on my side, only his family’s side. It was sick…absolutely incredibly sick. And, he did this all on the back of a personal family grief issue I was having with my own parents. The conversation we were having started with me being sad about how my parents are ill and how our relationship isn’t moving forward, and he slammed the final cards down. All of the false accusations of lying was just too much and I said I’m done.
His entire family is a codependent mess especially if they’re willing to not feel bad lying to their own son, which could have helped him. He’s in denial. I don’t even think he has feelings towards what happened. I’ve heard sorry 2 times in the entire 5 years we’ve dated, and that was only after I said I was sorry. Any time he said he was sorry it came out as “I’m sorry you did that too.” At this point I’m not even sure if he has cyclothymia, or worse, now if it’s gotten to bipolar, or even if he also is suffering from borderline personality disorder….because there’s a LOT of red flags that point in that direction. If you’re in one of these relationships you need to get out. Even if people are medicated, there’s often too much damage there, and they’re in too much denial of what they’re doing to give YOU a fighting chance. It will never be about you, or YOUR relationship. It will always be about them and what they need, or aren’t getting from you, or what you are to blame for next. You need to get out. These people can destroy an otherwise healthy person, and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t also feel valued. It’s not a relationship if it’s one sided…it’s caretaking, and your not their mother or father, you’re supposed to be their partner. Sometimes you cannot help someone. They don’t want your help. They want everyone to buy into this idea that they’re victims, and we all know they’re not. Some of the bravest of them have figured that out and are not playing that card. If your partner is though, there’s little hope in changing that…it’s become a survival technique that you have no control over.
Hi FoxyMcGee –
Thank you for your comments. I have found them very helpful as I deal with feelings of sadness, regret, loss, and even guilt after the end of a 2-year relationship with a woman I loved deeply and was engaged to be married to. There were/are so many wonderful things about her which attracted me to her, yet she could also turn on a dime and become very angry, verbally abusive, paranoid, etc. You are right to say that in their minds it is never about YOU or about YOUR relationship. It flummoxed me completely how utterly incapable she seemed to be able to see things from my perspective. I am not talking about small or nebulous things, I am talking about big, “obvious” things which would not even have to be discussed with most people because they would be so obvious. The saddest part is that we both loved each other so much and there were many good times and good memories and the potential for such a great future together.
She has never been diagnosed with bipolar, nor would she ever consider the possibility that she has anything like that, but I am 95% sure that she has bipolar disorder. Now I know why 90% of bipolar marriages end in divorce. I realized that her view of reality was just very different from mine and no matter how much I loved her or showed I loved her or did for her (and her son), she was incapable of just relaxing and enjoying it and being happy. I just wanted to make her happy, but I could not do it, no matter how much I did to make her life (and her son’s) better. And I did a lot. So in that respect I am glad I did because it helps a lot when it comes to the feelings of guilt I sometimes feel, as if I could have done more. But I really don’t think I could have. I am also quite certain her son has Asperger’s, although she got very angry when I suggested that possibility, and she refused to go to a local Aspergers specialist even for a free 2-hour diagnosis interview. Then later I learned there is well-known connection between parents with bipolar and children having Aspergers (as opposed to other types of autism.) My life is easier now without all the frequent strife and heaviness in the air, but at times I do miss the good things about both of them. I know that in time it will get easier. I will take your words to heart about not communicating with her as it will only open old wounds and prolong the healing that needs to take place. Thanks again and good luck in your own healing process.
Bob – I feel your pain. I had similar experience – my ex would not so much change her personality but was just unable to do the most simple of things – like progress getting her driving license; keep her side of the bed tidy (and I’m not meaning just a few things (I mean like HEAPS of clothes shoved under the bed just to hide them); new opportunities would excite her and then within 3-6 weeks she would be complaining about the negatives or wanting to quit; inability to plan a birthday dinner (out at a restaurant) for me to the point that I would have to tell her what to do because it was less than a week away and she still hadn’t sent invites; she would leave buying family birthday / Christmas presents until AFTER the event; she would only contact her family when she needed something; having only 2-3 friends because she doesn’t invest time into managing relationships.
When we eventually broke up I believe it was because she had a hypomanic episode and everything became my fault. (She had a lot of physical health issues at the time which, on top of our relationship issues, I believe became too much for her).
It hurt like hell. And like you I remember a side to her that still has me so in love with her. But while she chooses to blame me and refuses to acknowledge that she is the one who needs to change her behaviour, she’s just not fit for a relationship.
The reason I tell you this is simply to let you know that you’re not alone. Don’t lose faith in yourself: you’re a good person who tried to work on a relationship as much as you could. It’s a shame it didn’t work out.
Who knows how long it will take for the recovery period. But be strong. Stay focused on your own happiness and do things that are healthy for YOU. Good luck :)
Hi David –
Thanks for your insightful and encouraging words. The key thing you said which had me nodding in agreement was this:
“It hurt like hell. And like you I remember a side to her that still has me so in love with her. But while she chooses to blame me and refuses to acknowledge that she is the one who needs to change her behaviour, she’s just not fit for a relationship.”
As I have seen in so many posts here, this inability to accept responsibility for their actions, words, and attitudes/emotions (such as frequent, intense, and unreasonable anger) and an almost complete inability to acknowledge they are the cause of the problems (at least the main cause) and that they need to change their behavior are hallmarks of bipolar disorder, and no doubt some of the key reasons bipolar people have so many serious relationship problems.
We went to see a counselor who almost immediately said she thought my ex may have “some type of PTSD or something.” Even a comment like that from a trained marriage/family counselor did nothing to open her eyes to the possibility she may have a problem which needs to be addressed. Instead she just had negative things to say about the counselor and how the counselor was taking my side (as opposed to her “side”.) I don’t think she even considered for a moment that the counselor might be right – it was more of an immediate and strong denial, followed by the negative words about the counselor. This lack of ability to admit there might be a problem, at least in our case, I think was the biggest problem of all. I was willing to work with her on it, and told her so, but in her mind there was nothing wrong with her and I was the one to blame for (almost) all of our relationship issues. In fairness to her, she did accept a very small amount of blame/responsibility for some things, but it was so small, and so late, without addressing the major problems, that it really didn’t amount to much.
Another thing this counselor said which stuck in my mind was that its not enough to love each other; we each need to be loved the way we need to be loved. When she said that it was like a light went off over my head – a realization that even though there was no question she loved me deeply, and I her, I was definitely not being loved in the way I needed to be loved. The counselor also said something else I found very helpful, which was that each of us is responsible for our own happiness; no one else is (or can be) responsible for your happiness but yourself. I actually felt like she was saying this for my benefit – whether or not she was, it hit home for me and was very helpful. As much as I loved my ex, and even though I knew she also loved me very much, I also knew that our relationship was not really making me happy. At times, yes, very much so in fact, but overall – definitely not. Over time it became more and more clear to me how off-balance things had become in this regard. No relationship is happy all the time of course, but it became clear to me how extremely out of balance things had become.
You are very right to point out that no matter how much you love someone (even a “normal” person), if they are not able to admit they are at fault (when they are) and they are not willing to say they are sorry or to change their behavior, well that just makes it pretty much impossible to have any kind of meaningful or successful “relationship” with them, because in fact they are not “relating” to you – there is no give-and-take, there is no real listening going on with them, they are only looking to point out how everything is your fault, not theirs, how you are to blame for everything. Their anger, fears, paranoia, false accusations, and more all only serve to destroy the so-called “relationship,” bringing about the end of the relationship in a “self-fulfilling prophecy” kind of way.
I think the most helpful phrase you used was to say that such a person, no matter how much you love them, “is not fit for a relationship.” That is very, very true, and it took me awhile to figure that out. Truth be told, I am still letting that truth sink into me day by day. As I said before, there were/are many good things about her which attracted me to her in the first place, and at times make me wonder if somehow we could have made it work. But it is important to realize we can’t cherry-pick just the good qualities – we get the whole package, and unfortunately a big part of that package with a person who is bipolar is a way of thinking, a way of seeing (or not seeing) reality and a set of behaviors and attitudes which make having a successful relationship very, very, very difficult if not impossible.
As a Christian, the whole experience has made me long even more for Heaven, where I know I will be able to see her and talk to her and her son free from all of the mental challenges they now have. How indescribably wonderful that is going to be.
Hi, Natasha,
I have a father, 63, who suffered from depression since 2004,. was once hospitalized and treated with antidepressants. July 2013, he suddenly became euphoric, happy, started going out, socializing, wearing pretty clothes, spending money. Mother saw first that his change in behavior was strange, she worried about him, and, eventually, couldn’t keep up with his pace. Especially , with spending, when all of there savings went away…Then he became aggressive, critical , couldn’t stop speaking, never slept and pushed my mother to ask for money from the relatives and friends. Finally, he pushed her out of their apartment…My mother now lives with her father, 86, with no income for herself and with a few panic attacks caused by my father’s behavior.
After a one month treatment of mania in hospital, dad was a little bit slower, but continued with planning to bye a ship, although he tied himself in lots of debts, and continued socializing with a few young drug addicts , because of who, neighbors often call police to dad’s apartment.
I read a lot about this illness, but what i don’t understand is, this faze, he is now pretty calm, but not caring for his health, does not take ANY medications, washes his hair and going out wet, breathing heavily but don’t want to go to the doctor, eating bad food, answers to questions with yes and no, or lies to us, and of course, the bad company…
Sorry for my bad English, I’m from Serbia, and, yes, except the medications, I never saw that there is any form of psychological support for bipolar patients here :(, just drugs and hospitals.
Thank you for your blog, I wish my father was this open …
Best wishes,
Ljupka , Belgrade
Liupka, I’m sorry for the struggles your family is going through. In defense of your father, Natasha is incredibly insightful. It’s not “normal” for most of us to see ourselves so objectively, and bipolar disorder makes it much harder. Try to remember that this is a disease, not a personality. You’re correct, there’s not much we can do for loved ones with mental illness. We lean heavily toward liberty in this country even for those who may not be capable of managing that liberty. Can I presume your father would rather live without your mother than stay on the proper medications? I know for me, that is a deal breaker with my spouse – no meds, no marriage. You didn’t mention if he has a source of income (retirement?) or if your parents are still married. If he does have some sort of retirement income and they are still married, I would tell your mother to see an attorney and start divorce proceeding so she can at least secure some of that income and separate her from the liabilities he’s accruing before he gets into even deeper financial distress. Good luck.
Lori, Please can you share your email address with me? I need your advice/opinion please. Thanks!
Tee, Yes, if it’s OK with Natasha it’s llrs46@yahoo.com. I’ll offer whatever wisdom I can, but keep in mind I’m no professional, just an individual who has loved ones with bipolar.
Thanks! :). I just emailed you. Please check your box.
Wow, I just read some of the stories in this post, and I can certainly relate. A few years ago, a death in our family seemed to trigger a very severe manic episode in my aunt. I’d actually never seen evidence of her illness before. She lived far away for about 25 years, and based on how I’d experienced her, I was really shocked and even doubtful when I learned that she had a bipolar diagnosis. But that’s because she was managing her illness very well at that point with therapy, medications and substance abuse recovery groups.
When she moved back to her hometown and closer to where I live, she inexplicably decided that it was no longer necessary to go to therapy or work on her recovery. I think she may be on some kind of psychiatric medication because she sees a psychiatrist about 15 minutes a year and gets refills. But she doesn’t believe anything is wrong. She thinks her illness is under control and doesn’t reailze she’s in a manic episode. When members of our family have expressed our concerns very calmly, she’s responded with statements like, “You all just try to convince me that I’m crazy all the time.”
It’s hard for me to understand how someone could be unaware of their symptoms like this when they already have the diagnosis. She talks about not sleeping at all for days at a time. She talks so quickly and loudly that she’s constantly triggering migraines in our migraine-suffering family members. She does this in public settings every single time she’s in public, to the point that random people in town have asked us whether or not she’s okay. The only way to get a word in when she’s around these days is to interrupt her, and she becomes very angry and aggressive if anyone does that.
She sends emails to her sisters accusing them of lying about important things — long, nonsensical emails. She’s angry for some reason about the fact that my mother is dating someone. And she’s mad that my mother exercises because “I could never take time to do that.” She’s angry that she (my aunt) has no boundaries with her own mother and has inserted herself as a “primary caregiver” by never saying no to anything she’s asked to do. She’s angry about the fact that she vastly over-commits to a wide range of responsibilities in various facets of her life, and then she’s incapable of fulfilling them all. She resents the rest of us when we don’t fall in line and perform all the tasks she committed to but cannot complete. If we say no to anything, she gets very angry and says, “I would do ANYTHING I COULD to help you out if you needed anything. Don’t ever ask me for a favor again.” The thing is, we don’t really ask her for favors. She just makes promises to do things she can’t possibly do. And yes, she has always been very generous with the family, but I’m realizing there are strings attached. We’re never supposed to question her judgment, and we’re meant to be available as errand-runners as needed.
The first time I started thinking of cutting off contact was about a week before Christmas. I was at a medical appointment explaining respiratory symptoms to my doctor. I had my phone on silent , as I usually do in a docctor’s office. When my doctor stepped out for a moment, I realized she had texted me nine times and left 5 voice messages in the last 20 minutes. They all said to call her immediately, that there was something urgent that she needed to tell me.
So in a panic, I cut my own appointment short, ran out of the building and called her, thinking my elderly grandmother had had a stroke and been rushed to the hospital. But this is what she actually wanted: She (my aunt) had purchased a creepy life-sized animatronic Santa Claus for no reason, and she told the Rotary Club that she would lend it to them for a holiday gathering. But she wasn’t able to drop the thing off, so she wanted me to rush back to town and take the thing myself. I was an hour away! She needed this done in the next 10 minutes! I was outraged that I suffered a near panic attack about something as ridiculous as this. I explained that I couldn’t do it, that I was an hour away at an appointment — and I also told her never ever to send me another message saying that something is “urgent” unless a member of our family is in the hospital or on their way there. I also told her that I believe her shopping constitutes a sort of addiction, and that I was not comfortable enabling that — that if she buys and promises to loan out more crap. After I said these things, she claimed I’d done the same sort of thing (I have not.), that it was perfectly reasonable to call something urgent because it seems urgent in the moment and requires a time-sensitive response, and started screaming at me for not wanting to help her even though “I would do anything for you.” Look, even if I HAD wanted to help with this thing, it was impossible. I was an hour away. It was rush hour. She started calling me 20 minutes before the start of the party.
Lately, with her, what should be a simple interaction becomes a family crisis. When some family members came to town this week, she took over the potluck-style meal we’d planned. We’d said we wanted to keep it as simple as possible. Everything was planned.There would be two meats and about six side dishes. The night before, she started texting me, my mother and my other aunt. She texted us all about 6 times to tell us that we needed 3 more dishes for the meal. Could I make an extra dessert? Couldn’t my mother make homemade bread? How dare my other aunt’s family only bring one dish? She’d repeat everything she’d done, which wasn’t really that much, but she perceived it as doing all the work. Around 5 am the next morning, we all received a long, angry email telling us that we really needed 3 more dishes and people needed to sign up for them right away. It was urgent. There it was, the word “urgent” in a completely off-base context. She sent more and more emails even as everyone else emailed back, “We really do have enough food, I’m sure we’ll have more than enough.”
I finally got frustrated with this, and I worried about it adding stress to the lives of our visitors, one of whom had just been diagnosed with cancer. So I emailed back, “You are the only person who believes that we need additional food. We all said that this was to be simple. It is not meant to repeat a fancy Christmas dinner. If you feel so strongly about it, please feel free to make 3 more dishes yourself.” Well, that triggered an extremely aggressive response. “If you don’t FEEL like doing anything to contribute, you should just SAY THAT. I can’t believe you would suggest that I contribute more.” It was a long diatribe. It was emailed to our entire extended family. Fast forward to the meal itself. We all brought exactly what we’d said we would bring from the beginning. Well, except for her — her stuff hadn’t been baked or cooked yet. As I helped set the table, I looked at the huge spread on the counter and said, “I don’t know, I don’t think we’re going to have enough food.” Then she started screaming again. How could I ask her to do more? I hadn’t, of course I hadn’t. I was saying that no one else thought we needed additional food. Then she started screaming about every perceived slight against her in the past several months, every single incident grossly misinterpreted and paranoid. Things we had tried to do to help out, she saw as insignificant. She was the only one who ever helped out my grandmother, her sisters were deadbeats, etc. (They do a lot, actually, but are not martyrs about it as she is. And they never send out emails listing everything they’ve done that day.).
I finally said, very calmly, “I did not suggest in seriousness that you make more food. I just meant that no one else thought we needed any. No one ever asked you to be in charge of this meal, it was meant to be a simple gathering.” But she didn’t get it. I don’t know if she even heard me, as she’s had trouble listening to the words other people say lately. Trying to reason with her calmly just made things worse. My sister had an infant sleeping in the back room, but this didn’t deter my aunt’s screaming. And she said, “IF NO ONE ELSE IS WILLING TO BRING ANYTHING, THEN IT DOES BECOME MY RESPONSIBILITY.” Of course, everyone had brought something. And you know? If I felt that a group had poorly planned a casual potluck, and maybe we needed a little more food, I can’t imagine emailing everyone and demanding that they volunteer to make three more things. I’d go with the flow, eat the meal with the family and, if really necessary, stop at a fast food place on the way home.
This all sounds silly as I write it down. It’s just… Her response to everything lately is wildly out of proportion with what has happened. She started screaming at me and listing all of the horrible things I’d supposedly done to her. My own mother simply raised up her hands to communicate, “Please stop” because she wasn’t able to get a word in. To this, my aunt started slapping at her, then tried to put her hands around her neck. It happened twice. I threatened to call the police if she tried to assault any of us again. So when she finally started to walk away and leave in a fit, my mother said, “I think the best thing right now is for you to leave and take some time to calm down.” To that, she screamed that my mother always took my side, that we were always against her, that we weren’t supportive and don’t care about her. And my mother very calmly insisted, “Please do go home. You need to take some time. You are going to wake the baby.”
I’ve decided that, for whatever reason, I seem to provoke her. I can be sarcastic. I am less likely than other members of the family to excuse and tolerate her behavior because she is unwell and “it is not her fault.” I have told her that mental illness is not an excuse to become abusive with people. I have told her that I think her shopping (there are many stores she goes to every day to check for new sales) is unhealthy and an addiction. I love her, I do, and I’m worried about her and want her to get better. But my presence seems to make things worse, so I’m going to make every effort to have no contact with her for a while. I’m not going to respond to text messages or answer phone calls, and I’m blocking her email address.
The thing is, I can’t let her know that I’m doing this. I can’t say, “I do not want to have contact anymore until you admit there is a problem and start to take treatment seriously.” Because my other aunt already tried to do that about a month ago. My bipolar aunt didn’t respect her wishes at all. And she flew into a rage about it as if my other aunt had done a terrible, cruel, inexplicable thing and everyone was always against her. She called every other member of our family about 15 times to drag them into this. I happen to know that she herself had cut off relationships with AA members when they became unhealthy in the past, but suddenly it was as if taking a break from an unhealthy pattern was horrible and cruel. “I would never do that to anyone. I never even cut off contact with my ex-husband.” (Not true on either count, actually.) To formally cut contact with her would make things worse for every other member of my family — they would all get 15 or 20 sobbing voicemails and texts about it. My mother and my other aunt can’t really cut contact because they’re all responsible for caring for their elderly, disabled mother together. So I guess I’ll have to do it without formally announcing it. It’s not as if she would respect my request for no contact anyway.
My aunt has been in an intense manic episode for over a year. She persists in believing that all of her struggles are everyone else’s fault, that we’re all conspiring against her and trying to “make her think she’s crazy.” And she’s poisoned my grandmother against the rest of us. Meanwhile, the rest of us have tried to keep my grandmother out of because we haven’t felt it was our place to engage in aggressive, mean-spirited forms of gossip about her. But nothing has held her back. It became crystal clear last night that my grandmother has heard every one of my aunt’s skewed interpretations of interactions between us all. Frankly, I’m just tired. And I quit.
In about three days, my aunt will attempt to contact me and pretend nothing has happened and everything is just fine. I just refuse to go through this charade again.
Sometimes leaving a person with a disorder is the best treatment you can provide.
I have either borderline personality disorder or bipolar 2, my therapist is still in doubts, but whatever it is, it always made my personal life quite a challenge. Especially with my last boyfriend, whom I was overwhelmingly in love with, and who broke up with me after some few months. Honestly, we were happy for only first month or two of those, when he, being equally in love, was comparably high and we could co-exist. We tried pretty hard to find the way we can keep me stable (as outside relationships I’m in a pretty good control of myself, functional, successful career-wise, most people don’t suspect me having issues). Nevertheless, after an exhausting drama rally he decided to leave, which was especially hurting as some other stressful events happened at that time in my life, caused by betrayal of the close people.
I believe most people here can imagine how I felt, those who cannot, well, are very lucky. It’s been months of pain piercing every thought and movement of mine, unless he was around. And that’s the worst part – he occasionally was. My manipulations and tricks were good enough to make me once in a while getting my ‘dosage’. We had sex for more than a year(!) after we broke up and this is what I’m really blaming him for, not for leaving me.
He really wanted to help and support me, so he stayed around (perhaps, also some feelings on his side) but the only effect was, that I knew: the worse I’m feeling the more chances are he is with me. Eventually I’ve started developing psychotic symptoms and as, funnily, I work in psychiatry-related field, I realized that this should stop now. I temporarily left job (we work in the same laboratory), started therapy, medications and tried to spent as much time in-between treatment outside of a city as possible. With a help of medication, meditation, friends and, well, let’s be honest, drugs, I have not only almost recovered from that, but more so learnt how to better cope with my issues in general. Now I’m in new relationships, which are healthier than most of my non-troubled friends have.
Sometimes (I’m not talking about the most severe cases though) you have to reach the bottom to get a chance to recover. The moment I accepted that we are not going to ever get back together and realized that it was far not the first time it happened to me (not to such degree though), I immediately got way healthier. I was always seeing myself as simply extremely passionate and loving person, was even proud of it, considering other people ‘shallow’ and ‘boring’. This situation made me realize that I’m a danger to myself and for those I “love”, if this word can be used at all. But to get there your mind should be left in a situation when no other explanation can be found. What is falling that one should also push.
Of course, this acception didn’t change everything, months and months of self-control, meditation, therapy, self-reflexion (i.e. I re-read all the letters we’ve written to each other) followed, but that was the necessary beginning.
In my relationships now I never get any close to those breath-taking euphoria I had with him and some of his predecessors, but f*#k that. I’d rather occasionally take some recreational drugs to satisfy this craving than risk the person I really love. I’m not going to be bluntly selfishly addicted to anyone anymore. Those who wrote about responsibility of the partners – that’s so dangerous for you to believe, it so limits your own chances to improve…. Always assume that your partner can leave you any moment – and you will stop fear it. Always remember he is a separate person and not your therapist – and you will get so much more self-sustained.
I’m still having periods of intense depression and anxiety, unfortunately, not that often followed by hypomania – perhaps, it is a lifetime condition. I don’t want however to take medications regularly as periods are rather short and I can somehow cope with them. My girlfriend is aware of that (I warned her straight-away) and helps me as much as she can, but eventually it is my responsibility. Yes, I cannot guarantee that I won’t have mood-swings or that I won’t spoil our romantic day-out by crying and drinking the whole day, but I should take as much as responsibility on myself as I can: sorting out my finance and job issues, not abusing her (or others) verbally or physically, not manipulating her, not projecting my fears on her. While I’m not psychotic, I’m in control, therefor I’m in response.
And the last thing, as I wrote above, he stayed around for another year, trying to make it ‘smooth’ and ‘easy’. As I now believe, it only postponed my recovery for another year and prevented us from any chance to be friends ever again. If you want to cut off – do it instantly and never question afterwards.
I really appreciated reading this post and the other one associated with it. I agree with the original poster. Reading some of the comments posted by those who disagree with her does make me angry though.
My bipolar sister is fond of telling me that “I don’t understand.” Well, maybe I don’t understand being bipolar but I sure as hell understand what its like to be used for emotional or financial support when it’s convenient and abused verbally, emotionally and almost physically when its not. And this is from a medicated individual.
I understand what its like to be manipulated by people who are only interested in themselves. I undestand that this is a give, give, give relationship (on my part) no matter the cost to me or my life. I understand that there is no support for me but I am supposed to keep on giving anyway.
I understand that there comes a point where its you or them.
I understand bipolar is a mental illness. But I don’t accept it anymore as an excuse for bad behavior or for shirking personal responsibility and accountability for ones actions. The bipolar people who live successful lives are the ones who work hard at doing so. Just like the non-bipolar people.
How can I be called selfish by some of the commenters because I can’t deal anymore with the life being sucked out of me by the never ending problems and the constant never ending negativity. (Interestingly, there is no negativity or bad behavior when she has money.) Don’t I have the right to be depressed too? Don’t I have the right to survive and have a life just as much as she does? Why is it okay to give her money to help pay her rent/buy food/etc. to keep her from being homeless, but not okay to suggest a budget? Does she just think I just pull money out of my ass? Or, does she even care, as long as I do it?
How am I supposed to respond to phone calls that begin with: I can’t take this anymore (this being a)having to work and worry about how bills are going to be paid b) I don’t have any friends c) nobody cares about me (Okay, now I’m nobody) d) I can’t pay my rent and I’m going to be homeless e) I’d rather not live if I have to be homeless f) I’d rather DIE if all I’m going to do is go to work and come home and go to work again g) I’m LONELY (join the f*ing crowd)? The I’d rather be dead statements usually come one or two days before rent is due, her money (or lack thereof) is top secret the rest of the time. Any hesitant inquiries in order to try and plan beforehand are met with rudeness or screaming. But no rudeness on my part allowed at any time.
Seriously. How I am supposed to respond? How am I supposed to feel when somebody I care about is calling and telling me these things?
This month I didn’t ask about rent, didn’t come to the rescue with any money (because we don’t have it) when she called two days before rent is due The next phone call was to inform me that she was just going to walk away from it all. (What a brilliant solution!! Suggestions on how to avoid that were met with “I can’t” I can’t I can’t I can’t) and yet another call to inform me she was going to the psych hospital. Me, I just have to stay home and deal with it cold turkey, but who cares about that?
So now being one hundred dollars short of her rent (because she spent her money on cigarettes, diet cokes, and candy and who knows what else) has resulted in her rent being unpaid, shes going to lose all her stuff because she was too SICK/ irresponsible/stupid/lazy/stubborn????? to pack it up all last month to put in storage (which she could afford but there’s a hundred reasons why she can’t do that), shes probably going to lose her job by going off to the hospital and missing work, and yes, she’s going to be homeless. Or dead. And then guess who is legally responsible for paying for that?
And I’m the one sitting here feeling guilty (because I can’t bring her into my home), helpless and pissed off because I’m in this situation. My life and emotions are chaos. I might also add that I lost the last year and a half of my life to taking care of my ill, manipulative and alcoholic father, who made his own poor lifestyle choices, and who never gave me a damn thing. I did it because he was my father and I loved him. And now I’m supposed to do it again? I inherited her like other lucky people inherit money or houses? Am I supposed to sacrifice the rest of MY life for another person who doesn’t do anything to help themselves?
Since the solution reached by the original poster was deemed unacceptable by many, I am really interested in what solutions THEY suggest. Seriously. And yeah, I’m mad right now, last night I was crying and I’m sure I will be again.
hi Jody – I completely understand how you feel. My experience was not quite so direct or harsh as yours but never-the-less I had to deal with the need for emotional support (her telling me that she has no drive or desire for life) and the continual lack of energy and drive to make healthy changes in her life that would then also improve our life together.
Without a doubt, I don’t think that she ever MEANT or INTENDED to offend – I think she was being completely honest and truthful when she said these things. She just wasn’t able to control her feelings. And as Steven Fry has said in his (very well put together) documentaries on bipolar: emotions are like weather – they can be very severe and YOU CAN’T JUST CHANGE THEM, you have to ride them out.
Never-the-less, it IS hard to deal with. And from my limited 1st-hand experience and also reading up on other people’s experiences, it does seem that this selfish behaviour is one that you will have to accept if entering into a relationship with a bipolar person.
Personally, I wish I had known all of this before I got involved. While I don’t hold it against the person with bipolar, I do believe that they are “generally” (I chose my words carefully because there do appear to be SOME exceptions to the rule) incapable of actively contributing to a SUCCESSFUL AND EQUAL long-term relationship. They just can’t control their emotions for long enough or with the required consistency.
No doubt I’ll also cop some flack for my comments and will be told that I’m the one at fault because I’m not patient enough or don’t have what it takes to support someone with bipolar. But at 42 I’ve been in enough relationships to know that the last one (2 1/2 years) definitely failed because of the bipolar aspect and absolutely nothing else. And going by the feedback at multiple bipolar forums, it seems that what I faced is normal for bipolar relationships.
So while I totally support what Natasha says about not feeling guilty about leaving someone who has a mental illness, I would also say that for the very same reasons of looking after your own health and happiness, people should just dodge the bullet and avoid bipolar relationships altogether. It just hurts too much when you’ve given your heart and tried everything you can and still it fails because the other person can’t work through their own problems. And to be held responsible for that is just plain rude … but apparently normal for this condition.
To consider a relationship with a mentally ill person, knowing what I know now, would require a huge amount of bravery. And the odds are that I would simply be putting my life on hold until my heart was broken again. Why would I do this to myself?
Hi Jody,
I can completely relate to everything you wrote. My sister is bipolar and has had full on breaks with reality requiring hospitalization nine times in the past 15 years. In the past few years, she has become downright nasty before and during her episodes. Her spending gets out of hand, and I am fried alive if I mention it and point out this or any other symptom I observe. When she has her episodes, though, she has no resources to pay her bills, and I don’t want her living with me, so I have historically paid her rent.
I don’t think people that don’t work with someone with the illness understand how verbally abusive, manipulative, and outright draining some bipolar people can be. And some don’t care or can’t see the effect their illness has on those around them. The fact that her family’s life goes on the roller coaster ride along with her every time she has a break. I remember reaching the point six years ago when I knew I was done with the craziness; I simply couldn’t be there for her anymore. This was especially true given the fact that she has not changed her behaviour in the slightest in the past 15 years to try to stay healthy. She is unwilling to speak up about her symptoms, because she knows her doctor will increase her medication, and her goal in life is to be on the lowest dosage of medication possible. It was both a liberating and sad feeling to recognize, “I am done.”
It was a few months later that she got pregnant with her son.
Now I am in that tough position of wanting to be there for him, but unwilling to put up with her verbal abuse, not to mention how difficult she makes it to care for him when she is ill.
I had an “Aha” moment the other day, though, as I was having lunch with a friend. He was talking about his daughter and her relationship with her drunk boyfriend and the negative impact it was having on their children. He was outlining the abusive behaviour the boyfriend was displaying towards the family and I heard myself say, “Well, I wouldn’t take him back, unless there was a meaningful change in his behaviour. I wouldn’t risk my children.” And, I thought to myself, my sister has not made a meaningful change in her behaviour to handle her illness in fifteen years. In fact, her behaviour has gotten worse, as she becomes more protective and paranoid around her role in her son’s life. And I recognized, I deserve the same respect I would give innocent children with a drunk father. If she is unwilling to change, she doesn’t belong in my life.
The part I am having the greatest difficulty now with is my nephew. What if I can’t save him from her and the cycle of insanity she seems content to continue? These are the sad questions that the support system of bipolar people sometimes have to contemplate.
My last comment to you is that I understand the frustration with the judgement. I have never felt so judged in my life as these past few months, as I have had to take over as caregiver for my sister’s son, as she needed to be hospitalized again to get well. You would think I chose to put her in that situation. That I chose the circumstances that required that someone needed to step in and protect her son from her. I don’t think people realize, the sick person is the one with the best choices. The support system gets to make all the crappy ones around how to deal with the mess. I can’t make her well. I can’t make her stay well. I can’t make it a priority to her to stay well. Her priority has always been “lowest dosage of medication possible,” and after 15 years, I get it: that’s not going to change.
These are the reasons people walk away. To do the same thing over and over and expect a different outcome is the definition of insanity.
hi Kylen,
I don’t think people (especially those with the mental illness) fully realise just how much anguish the support-team go through. I think it fair to say that we spend a significant amount of time searching within us for solutions that we can bring to help. The reality is though, there’s nothing that we can do to fix this. The problem lies with the sick person. And while they didn’t chose the problem, they do have to own and manage it. And while they refuse to do that, they can be quite impossible to deal with.
Don’t beat yourself up about your sister: you’ve clearly been there for her for a long time and have been patient while she continued to struggle to make positive changes in her life.
If you’re really worried for your nephew, all I can suggest is whether it’s worth considering a court order to take custody and become his primary care-giver. I don’t know how the law sits on that one in the US (I’m in NZ) but I empathise with the heartache of wanting to do the right thing for an innocent child.
Do what’s right for you. Do what’s right for your nephew. Stay healthy, keep a clear conscience and don’t doubt yourself :)
I think a couple of things need to be taken into account.
First, the person who is ill is usually desperate to save themselves before they consider anyone else. They may barely have enough store of ’emotional energy’ to survive without spending any of it on anyone else. (This is why people in this condition may push away people who try to help them – dealing with others requires them to ‘give back’ some of that ‘energy’, which they can’t afford. So, if you try to force help onto them, they may push you back and get angry when you won’t leave them alone, or at least, won’t give them the kind of support *they* feel they need to survive.)
Second, their judgement may be impaired such that they don’t realise what they are doing to others.
(I speak from experience! I’m bipolar – never been hospitalised but should have been more than once!)
None of this ‘excuses’ those who are naturally selfish anyway, regardless of illness! Just like mental illness is not an excuse for crime *if* the person who is ill is fully aware they were committing a crime.
But all of this is irrelevant *if* the health and peace of mind of the supporter are significantly disturbed. While a person who is ill is deserving of help, that does not mean others have to give up their own lives to support them. As far as I am aware, we only have one life; so, if we owe the universe (or God, if religion floats your boat) it is to use what little time we have to *live*!!! If a person *wants* to devout their lives to helping others, fine if that *is* their choice, but no one should feel they are obliged to do it. At least, that’s my outlook.
Thank you for the kind words, David. During a tough time, when I have often felt misunderstood, I really appreciate what you said, especially the last paragraph. I have felt like a victim, I am behaving like a victim, and I am tired of being a victim. I can’t change her; the only person I can change in this situation is me.
Thanks again!
no problems – be strong and be happy, Kylen :)
As Harry said above: we only have one life – and as they teach you on the airplane safety speech: in a crisis take care of yourself before you attend to others.
I’ve been very guilty of forgetting that one myself. I think it’s an easy trap to gall into if you have the slightest grain of empathy in you :) Never mind, it’s in our DNA to help others – especially those close to us who we love.
Try to keep in mind that your sister is probably simply unable to see what she needs to do with the clarity that you have. Give her the benefit of the doubt: she probably doesn’t mean to hurt you. In fact she would probably be appalled to see how she behaves IF she had a rational head on her shoulders. But she doesn’t have a rational head on her shoulders, so the last thing we can expect is for her to behave rationally.
I’m not excusing her behaviour: just saying that while it’s sad and heartbraking to be unable to help someone you love so dearly, just try not to hold it against her. Move on with your life and do what’s right for you (physically, mentally and in your heart). Bear no grudges. Just be a little saddened for the person you love. But do move on and find other sources of happiness.
From what you’ve described, it sounds like you’re a strong and amazingly patient and giving person. Take pride in that :)
And remember, there’s a world of people out here ready and willing to offer you support any time you need it.
Take care, Kylen.
Jody, Wish I could hug you right now because I know the pain your are feeling. I have a twin sister, out of 3 siblings she was all I had and now I no longer have her. She won’t accept anything is wrong but she is destroying herself and her children’s lives and I cannot make it stop. I can’t take her in, I can hardly talk with her anymore, we are states away, and the insanity of it all make me think I may lose it. The lack of money, she can’t or won’t work (doubt she could handle a job anymore), the sheer misery of it all breaks my heart. I don’t believe no matter what anyone says we should have to give our lives up for them. I gave mine up to so many in this family I am shot, tired and just unable to cope with the stress. No you are so not alone in all this. Peace.Sue
I have been with my husband for 10 years and he has suffered off and on with severe manic depression and bi-polar episodes. When I first met him he was vibrant and exciting. He loved life and wanted to live it to the fullest. About 1 year into our relationship he began taking pain killers for back pain from surgery he’d had at 18. Since then he has been consistently on the drugs. I began to notice a decline in his moods when I moved in with him 6 years ago. He gained 100 pounds and would not leave the house. Soon he started a career and it put even more stress on him. But he pulled himself out of it and lost 80 pounds. We married and moved to another state which put more stress on him. He began to get moody. His temper would rage and he would verbally abuse me much worse than before. Soon he would go from 0-100. More recently he fell completely out of control. He began abusing his pain medication that he had been on for years by taking up to 12 a day plus stealing drugs from work (he is a medical professional). Within the last 2-3 years he has been sleeping more frequently, sometimes up to 16 hours, he would wake up and vomit as he would be detoxing from all the medicine the night before. Just the past year he was shooting up the drugs and lost control. At times I wondered if he was dead or alive. He finally gave it up when he lost his job and he decided to go to rehab. So far he has done rehab twice. When he got clean though he was normal he was still not normal. He would get depressed often and mad at me still. Within the last couple months he relapsed again. This time they have decided to treat him for bi polar and manic depressive disorder. It has been quite the difficult journey of advocating for them to give him a psychiatric test and find his root problem. And though he has begun the medication he is still hopeless telling me he doesn’t want to live and just wants to end it all. It has been many ups and downs. I have had to leave him and support him from afar because of the drug abuse. I only hope that he can get well with or without me there. I’m at my wits end with him and the drug abuse on top of the mental illness. I don’t want to leave him but if stay will I ever truly be happy? That is what worries me most.
All I can say is wow.. after reading the comments from the beginning to the end and seeing the comments, and also being a person with “lifetime and chronic mental illness”.. I can see both sides to this story and yet there are a few differences.. see I’m not abusive, or angry, nor am i on any medications. My condition is something that happened to me after my nervous system got damaged, my family and friends deserted me because they could not “fit” me into their lives.. after that came the depression and the years of pills and antidepressants, many chronic pain conditions, bowel problems, and memory lapses– I wish it was because of the illness, I really do wish that, unfortunately it was because of the lack of support, and being placed on so many medications that my illness was like a mentos in a pop bottle.. fizzing below the surface, and even though my emotions were being controlled medically, my feelings were always present, my sadness was real.. and the people I loved abandoned me when i needed them most.. if that wasn’t bad enough, my child had been removed from my care.. there were alot of “what ifs”.. even though I’m an excellent mother and one of the kindest people, with a huge heart. It’s thoughts like the one above where people like me have to live with the decisions that other people make for us, because they do not understand or want to take the chance that people like me.. that have a “mental illness”.. can take care of themselves, can be good parents, and can have normal lives.. IF we have support. For the last year I”ve been doing something called “neurotheropy”. My memories are starting to come back, my feelings are more stable, and even though people have shown up maybe 5 or 6 times a year to “claim that they care about me”.. it’s plain to see that I really am alone, fighting this on my own.. and its bad when i have to pay people to be my support system. I know not all of you have someone like me in your lives, someone who’s sad, or emotional.. who’s not abusive and somebody who sees so many negative things in the world that they would rather just stay indoors, away from people. But bare in mind that even though someone has a mental illness… that they are not a bad person, or a negative influence.. not all of us need to be abandoned.
I hope that some of you see this, and i pray that the loved ones in your life will be able to keep you around.. cause they need you, more than you know.. they need your support, and they need your help, and understanding.. not to do things or to give anything.. but just by listening and being there.. not once a week, every day.. cause it’s then that you’d see the difference.. when you can be a good enough person to say that you can do this for another human being.. you’ll see it. Stop paying someone else to be your loved ones support system, cause in the end, isn’t that what a family is supposed to be?
Interesting read and I think one that applies to all relationships – with or without the added complications of mental disorders.
I’m a big believer that (as a great man once said) “all you need is love” but I have to admit that my ex’s bipolar just wore me down emotionally. I didn’t realise at the time what was going on – I couldn’t see the big picture. Basically her continual depression and self-defeating doubts about our relationship at THE SLIGHTEST OF PERSONAL DIFFERENCES just kept eroding at me. I don’t hold it against her – her emotions are real. It’s just a terrible shame that she was unable to control her emotions or remember that I’m a positive influence in her life and not to target our relationship.
While I totally accept that there were things about our relationship that needed work and that I also needed to make some adjustments, the reality is: she is bipolar, she is unable to control her emotions, she is unhappy with her life (her lack of direction and achievements – often complaining that she feels numb to the world), she allowed this to impact on our relationship and ultimately she seems to have seen me as the cause of her unhappiness (even though it pre-existed my arrival into her life).
While I have things to work on myself, I’ve come to the clear realisation that all throughout our relationship she simply refused to take ownership and responsibility for addressing her issues. She would talk about things and acknowledge what she needed to do but very seldom did she follow through. And never without the issue arising a further 4 or 5 times. Ultimately, she saw the continual arguments as being my fault and reflective of the fact that we’re just not meant to be together, rather than realising that she needed to get angry at her lack of activity and FOCUS ON THAT. Instead, she accused me of being a bully and said she was sick of always pretending that I was right.
With what I’ve learned here (your blog), I’ve absolutely no doubt that I would have dealt with situations differently. Not because I would have treated her like a special case or a project but simply because I would not have misinterpreted her behaviour and I would have respected it as being depression and emotions outside of her control.
However, would I ever date a bipolar person again? I don’t know. Lots of online information suggests that the cycling typically gets worse over the years. And many friends have talked about their observations of close family members with bipolar and how harsh they were on their relationships. BUT … there ARE people who swear blind that bipolar partnerships CAN work with the right combination of medication, CBT, psychotherapy, couple’s counselling and lifestyle choices that remove stress (i.e. lots of exercise, managing conflict better, plenty of sleep, vitamins (especially E) and iron supplements). In fact I’ve been going to a bipolar support group run by a guy who was diagnosed at age 13 and has been happily married for 27 years.
Do I think I’m one of those ‘special people’ with enough love and patience to live with a bipolar person? Yes – undoubtedly, unreservedly and absolutely … as long as they are focused on living a healthy life and on getting well. But I’m also terrified of the thought of living with someone who does not appreciate what I offer and contribute to our relationship, or who is constantly bringing me down or being unreasonable.
So there’s still a lot of uncertainty. And that’s scary when you’re thinking about a 40+ year commitment – not just financial but emotional with your whole heart invested.
I now realise that my biggest issue with the breakup was simply that after 2 1/2 years of dealing with her negativity and dis-functionality I wasn’t just heartbroken – I was also completely exhausted – both physically and mentally. Neither my heart nor my mind could understand why it could not work. But as you say, the person with bipolar has to take responsibility for their condition and their actions and that wasn’t happening in this case. I still suspect that her medication (Citalopram 20mg) was just not lifting her spirits enough – hence she was always down and just had no energy. Plus when I met her she was gyming almost every day – that stopped within a couple of months of us starting to date.
Could I have done more to be patient and understanding (now that I know what I didn’t previously)? Sure.
Was I already doing more than enough for any healthy relationship? Absolutely.
Was she contributing fairly or making equal effort? In her own words, no.
I still believe that she has the potential to be a most wonderful person but I have accepted that I will not be part of her life. A sad realisation but the future can only be brighter and happier now and, as people keep telling me, I deserve someone who positively contributes to my life rather than just being a passenger in their / my life. And interestingly some of those people have been mutual girlfriends with a glint in their eye :) So rather than beating myself up about what I could have done differently / better I will simply get on with my life and hopefully one day meet someone who is ready and who possesses all of the independence, happiness and positive energy that I also have to offer and WHO APPRECIATES ME.
So I guess that what I have learned is that while the breakup is tough, it’s important to prioritise your own health and be fair on yourself. Sometimes it’s just not meant to be and that person you were in love with … she doesn’t exist any more. Maybe she never even did. Or maybe she just needs time to grow into that person. But either way, until she addresses her issues, it’s time to accept that she’s not healthy for you right now.
Thank you so much for this.
I can’t live with my paranoid schizophrenic husband anymore. He’s getting worse. We just started marriage counseling. At least once or twice a week the voices tell him how horrible I am and he will ignore me, become emotionally abusive and accuse me of things that are not real. Other days he’ll tell me how I am the best wife and mother. Other times, I am Satan. My blood pressure is malignant now and no medication is helping me. I am slowly dying but have to be strong for my 3 year old daughter. I am beyond depressed and can barely function.
Kathy
Take care of yourself, your child needs you. Sadly statistically counseling won’t help because if he is delusional it will always be your fault, never his and the first time the counselor directs an issue at him it will be either you paid off the counselor in some way or fashion or they are just a bad counselor. Get yourself some help to cope if you plan on sticking it out. Sue
Kathy How long have you been with your husband? I’ve been with my bf for 2years now im only 19 :( I feel like I should get out now so I don’t end up in the state your in at that age.but I love him from the depths of my soul. I have lost a piece of myself but it’s hard to let go. My bf ignores me to I still don’t understand why he does this it could be like fucking weeks he won’t answer my text or calls why do they do this? It drives me crazy
this is a really good article. What touched me the most though was reading the comments from people who have loved ones that suffer from mental illness. I suffer from mental illness and it has ruined my entire life. I’ve lost every meaningful relationship in my life because of my mental illnessbecause I’ve always felt so crazy and worthless and like normal people wouldn’t be with me I have gravitated towards abusive people and as you can imagine that has not ended well.. I was improperly diagnosed as being depressed in my teenage years and was on antidepressants for years only to find out many many many moons later (15 years) that I am bipolar and not depressed it took a suicide attempt and being on a ventilator for me to realize that had a problem. . As some of you may know bipolar people plus antidepressants equals extreme mania that last for years well at least that was the case for me. I still struggle everyday to convince myself that I am worthy of the love and affection that my significant other it gives me because of the abuse that I suffered from other not so understanding significant others who though t I was just a raging irresponsible b.i.t.c.h. But the fact remains that people regardless of any mental or physical illness or disability that they may have are all worthy of love and deserving of love and capable of love. Yes you may need to walk away from some people but I think that a little understanding in a little education goes a very long way in many aspects of relationships not just relationships where one or both people suffer from a mental illness.
Hi Amy, Yes, of course people with bipolar are worthy of love. That’s why so many people like myself need to be told that it’s OK to leave someone if they’re being abusive. Those with bipolar can be among the sweetest, kindest and most generous humans on this earth. They can also be very witty, creative and intelligent. It’s very hard to leave someone you love when you know it’s the disease that can cause them to be abusive, not who they really are at their core. Don’t let the scary stories make you fear you’ll never find that special someone. I’ve been with my bipolar spouse for over 30 years. He can be very difficult, but I’ve learned to take the good with the bad. I don’t take his “mean” moods personally and just try to live in the moment when he’s having good days. To me, that’s the secret to being happy with someone who sends conflicting signals depending on their “mood”. Having said that, I would not stay with him if he cheated on me or was abusive. I’ve had to set very firm boundaries, but that is something every relationship needs. Bipolar disorder is just one facet of who you are – it’s not your entire identity. Wishing you the best…
I’m really struggling with my girlfriend, who I’ve lived with for the past five years. She has been diagnosed with BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), and also suffers from depression, anger management issues, and acute Social Anxiety. Her anxiety makes her effectively agoraphobic, and she refuses to even leave the house. I knew she had mental health problems when I met her, but I guess I naively thought that if I was supportive enough, her condition might start to improve. I have some counselling qualifications, and even though I’m far from being qualified, I did think I could at least extend her a little compassion.
Very little has changed since being together; some things have improved, but some have gotten worse. It’s not all bad, she is a very intelligent and funny person; however, she dismisses any idea of getting help, professional or otherwise. Its like she’s accepted there is no possibility she can improve, so doesn’t see any point in even trying. I guess that is her choice, and maybe she’s right; however, her issues also effects me, and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to cope. If I knew there was light at the end of the tunnel then things might be different, but I now doubt that she will ever change.
It’s draining to be around someone so overwhelmingly negative and fatalistic about everything, and who can become very angry for no reason, sometime for days at a time. It feels like there is little or no life left in the house, only horrible emotions that she wants everything to revolve around; what I feel tends to be dismissed. It’s like she feels that because she has accepted having her problems, its given her permission to act in any way she does, regardless of the consequences. She also suffers from all kinds of neuroses that she extends onto me, such as with not wasting money or food; generally good principles, but ones she takes to absurd levels. I find myself having to be careful all the time at the risk of upsetting things.
There is very little that feels like a relationship between us, and I guess the main reason I’ve not left her is the fear of what might happen to her; she is is terrible at coping, and looking after herself, though does have some family who might help. However, if I’m being completely honest, I also seriously doubt I would be able to meet someone else, so am reluctant to bring things to an end. I wish there were a simple solution to this, but I just feel trapped.
My brother is a bipolar patient. He was having his 3rd manic episode and we decided to get him to emergeny by calling the cops as he was threatening. The psychiatrist admitted him. He was there for 2 weeks when he hired a lawyer and with the help of social services won the case against involuntary admission. The doctor was overruled by the panel. He is out now while on meds and we have no idea where he is. What kind of Country do we live in where a doctor’s decision is overruled by a lawyer because he knows how to fight a case. What if something happens to him? Can I sue the lawyer? Or Social services or the tribunal? The doctor was shocked as well, he is in hyper mania and we dont know where he is. I am in disbelief and in complete shock and despair.
Today I made my 44 year old bi-polar daughter leave my house. AGAIN. She is also epileptic and an alcoholic. Her father and I are divorced but have put aside our differences to try to help our daughter. He let her live with him for a while after I couldn’t deal with her anymore. She has become very unstable in the past year. Right now she has some money from a divorce settlement but soon that will run dry. She will then be jobless and homeless.
For the past year her father and I have helped deal with bad decisions, got her back on track, only to have her mess up again. Last week she ended up with her car and cell phone stolen, stranded in a city 30 miles away. It was two days before she reported her car stolen but she still has not signed the police report. Last night I let her come to my house so I could take her today to sign the police report and get a rental car. None of that happened as she refused to get out of bed and take care what needed to be done to get those two simple chores done. All day long she has yelled at me, verbally abused me, refused to cooperate. She left just a few hours ago in a taxi to a motel. I told her I could not let her stay with me. She had been drinking again. One of the boundaries I had set was she could not stay here while she was drinking. Drinking just makes her mania worse. I refuse to take her verbal abuse anymore. Luckily she has never physically harmed me or threatened to, but she has threatened other people.
I am 64 and my ex is 67, we have both recently lost spouses and we just can’t deal with it anymore. I feel as if I not only lost my husband to cancer a year and a half ago, I just lost my daughter as well. I am heartsick.
Some of the things you’ve had to deal with, Sandy, sound familiar. I have ostracized my older sister from my life, as has my other siblings. She is 73, bipolar (and not taking medication), and alcoholic. She has no husband or children. I feel guilty around the holiday season, but I know if I contact or see her, she will think I am opening the gates to renew our relationship. And that is definitely not what I want. She always has had chaos in her life and it follows her wherever she goes. I just wonder, what does God think of us when we turn our back on family? That’s what I’m dealing with now.
I’m struggling to come to terms with having to leave the girl I loved dearly after she came back from holiday a different person. Some sort of drug indused psychosis which turned her world upside down. 3 months trying to help her but now she doesn’t want my help an it’s killing me. I have to leave for her sake and mine but it hurts when your still in love with them. She doesn’t want anything to do with me and now I have sit back and worry about how she is. I can’t move on. This is is hard
About 2 years ago as the age of 16 my family took in a guy friend of mine, with the fact his family completely booted him out of the house because the did not want to deal with him, he was a user of drugs and that I think is what caused his psychosis we quickly became a couple and it felt like everything was perfect, and on Christmas he was very down because he had no money to get me anything for Christmas, and it started a few weeks after, he was a completely different person he starved him self and went 3 days with no sleep, and he went out in the snow no shoes or jacket, yelling and screaming MY departed mothers name and crying out to her asking why she did what she did, he went to the hospital for frostbite and came home that night, locked m3 out in the cold and when I tried to come in the window he had pushed me out, I will always remember this moment as he had some very scary music about a guy talking to the devil music bumping and some how he had the lights flickering coming to me, (he has never hit me) he stayed in the hospital for 3weeks came home and left me and went 3 states away, he was there 2 days and took a car and tried to come back for me, and wrecked it he was in the hospital for another time for his illness and was there for 4 months. He came back home and he was still not ok, he was completely doped up on so many medicines.. but the next day it was like he snapped out of it, and he had proposed and I had said yes. We went to bed and I woke up and he wasn’t there, he had gone out screaming and got picked up and took to the hospital once again, and this happened now at least once every 2-3 months, and we got married last month, and everything was perfect, he went 5 months not having a episode, but he is now back in the hospital. I want to take this moment to say, if you love someone, you’ll be there for them no matter what for sickness and in health.
Wow. I’d really like to hear from you in 10 months or even 10 years down the road. You can love them in sickness and in health (as I have my husband of 30 years), but if you don’t figure out that drug abuse and mental illness are a recipe for disaster and that enabling is not loving, then you won’t make it another 10 years. I’m not trying to be mean, just realistic. He’s lucky he has someone willing to forgive his abuses, however, if he’s not getting properly medicated (and clearly he is not), his psychosis will only get worse and that is how many beloved family members end up dead. I wish you the best of luck. I suspect you have a long, difficult road ahead of you.
You sound like a very sweet person but I’m gonna have to point something out here. Imagine doing this over and over for years, even decades. Then only to have the person commit suicide. This happened to my Mom. She had no idea he would ever do such a thing tho I found out after the fact that he was talking about it. I’m thankful at least he didn’t blow her away. I’m sorry but I think you’ve made a mistake marrying someone that you knew had was very unstable love or not. Depending on how young you are you may still have life left enough to change course.
Hey Gary good Advice im only 19 & I’ve been with my bf For 2 years Now He Has A Residual Mental Illness I was supposed to leave for the academy of dramatic arts in New York last August but stayed (u can guess why! He Lashes Out On Me Verbally Or Sometimes Ignoring Me. Never physically tho. I want to let go but it’s hard I love him but I don’t want there to be nothing left of me when I’m 25. My mom says the same thing you said in her own words “let him go before the crash is to hard”
hi all…i live in the uk…i am daily living in circumstances that i can only describe as hell…my son is diagnosed with scitzo effective disorder…he has serious bouts of depression he isolates himself and often doesnt was for many days at a time…he frequently has psychotic episodes where he is in no way attached to reality and at these times he sees demons and hears voices and he is incredibly violent at these times usually these episodes happen several times a week and obviously wen he is violent during these psychotic episodes as im in the house with him its usually me he attacks…im often left covered in bruises…i have not family support and am totally isolated have not friends as noone wants to come see me and possibly be subject to a violent outburst from my son…therefore i am totally alone…he has no recollection of attacking me wen he snaps out of the psychotic episodes and wen he sees the bruises on me he turns then to self hatred of himself and selfharms and wishes his life away…he does not go out the house never unless on very rare occaisions and only if i go with him he says hes scared to go out of wot he classes his safety zone…and if i go out even for an hour and leave him indoors alone i regularly return to find him unconcious on the floor either as a result of an overdose or more recently panic attacks where hes hypervenilated and passed out…….so i cant go out hardly ever as he really cant be left on his own…….and wen im indoors with him and he has these psychotic episodes im attacked tho he doesnt know that hes doing it and has no recollection……..he has physical problems too him eczma is bad and by bad i mean huge patches of roar bleeding infected skin but i believe this is as bad as it is due to the fact his self care is non existant he refuses to bath for several days at a time and refuses to use the ointment and treatments he has……he says hes embarassed about his skin condition and his body but then refuses flately to use the treatment provided therefore off course it isnt gonna get better but just worse…….i have begged and pleaded for help to end this nightmare existance…….he is 20 years old and has no real understanding how ill he is or how his illness is effecting me and my mental health haveing to care for him he really has no concept or insite…….and off course he doesnt think hes ill so he is non complient to treatment and he refuses to engage with professionals……i regularly on a weekly basis call the assistance of the police and they come and attend my home address but apart from offering sympathy little they can do to help and the often leave saying its the mental health people who should be doing more……the police have even see my son in full blown psychotic episodes and attacking me and they still say they have no powers in law to do anything as hes not attacking me due to malice but due to illness…….and the mental health teams rarely come nowadays they make every excuse under the son why they cant intervene…why under the law they are unable to detain him under the mental health act…either he isnt ill enough or he doesnt meet the criteria or because he wont engage…excuse after excuse….on rare occaisions wen he has been taken to the local a and e they have simply discharged him and sent him home saying he is mentally ill and they can only treat physical illness……for the last 6 months things have got worse and everywhere i turn for help noone helps me…each with a different reason in law why they cant…..i love my son dearly with all my heart but i have the illness that has taken over and seems no escape from…..i really dont know wot to do anymore….im ment to now be getting therapy for myself as the home situation is makeing me feel incredibly down and making me feel suicidal at times…but im unable to attend the therapy i so desperately need as i cant leave him home alone and ive got noone to look after him in my absense…i was also ment to be haveing hospital appointments and possibly an operation again all of which i havent been able to attend or go through with as noone to care for my son in my absence………i have a younger daughter who suffers with acute learning difficulties she doesnt live at home she lives in a professional care home with staff to help her and teach her independance…she has been sheilded sumwot about how bad her brother is…but she knows he is unwell and she idolizes him and she often says….”please mummy help make my brother better”……please sumone tell me how can i do this….how can i make her brother/my son better….i really dont know wot to do or who to turn to for help???
I really don’t have any words of wisdom for you, only the deepest sympathy. I understand your feeling of hopelessness. I can’t imagine having a child so disturbed and not able to help. The only thing I can offer is that those who suffer extreme mental illness need really firm, concrete boundaries. Instead of letting him wallow in self hate and guilt when he sees the bruises, I would tell him, “If you really feel bad, do something about it. Take your meds and stay on your treatment.” Clearly he won’t get this while in a psychotic state, but when he’s more rational and feeling guilty, appeal to him then. As I said, I really just wanted to offer my best wishes to you, and if you don’t mind, I’ll keep you and your son in my prayers.
Lori
Thank you for this. This week it means so much to me
It is so difficult to leave a ‘ill’ partner, I was with my mentally ill partner for 9years…. the cycle went like this…. he refused to deal with his issues would self harm, drink, drugs and abuse me as a way off dealing with it as that is easier… things would get really bad that I would leave or threaten to leave only then would he seak help…. he would apear to be doing really well no drinking etc and going to therapy taking medication and seemed stable I would go back and support him things would be ‘happy healthy’ but after a while he would get complaisant again and slowly start drinking and self harming again…. I have left sveral times and this always happens…. it seems he only takes responsibility when im not there to rely on also when i am there and things are bad he will blame me for his issues…. I feel in my experince by staying i attribute to the problem he becomes reliant on me and does not take responsibility at the end of the day you are not reponsible for them and sometimes leaving is kinda than staying as sad as it is…… in addition a clean break I feel is sometimes best.. before leaving my partner for good I was making promises like when you have seeked help and are getting better I will come back…… but this made things worce because the promises where unrealistic it was impossible putting a time limit or expectations because he may not ever get better and often have hiccups along the way (the promises are unrealistic’…. it was eating away at both of us as we both love each other….. in the end i felt it was kinda to give know promises and cut contact all together as sometimes people need to foccuss on getting better for themselfs and not feel pressured……. he took it badly I feel awfull!! I still love him and have the earge to go ‘look after him’ all the time but its not my job….. sometimes you have no choice it is crueler to stay…. its like if a person was in hospital with a broken leg you wouldnt treat them DR’s would and its not yours or mine job to ‘fix’ your partner………. However perhaps in some cases if the partner sticks to treatment and does not take there problems out on you, i can see then it may be possible to stay and support….
I was involved and in love with a Woman who had many issues…..addictions she hid and lied about more and more…. and now through reading I find she may have been BI POLAR… she was abused as a girl… and now has sexual deviant desires and says she is this good person always posting happy feel good stuff …don’t get me wrong if she was actually being this person it would be wonderful and I would stand by her…. I still love her even with all the BS…… how can I make peace and walk away from her……?????
Please keep writing informative posts like this. Although I wanted to add, that sometimes it’s not about making decisions AFTER abuse has happened- when instability is so evident. When they have psychosis, and their illness prevents them from accepting reality, and refusing medications, and behaviors are so odd or scary to be allowed to live with their children, causing emotional damage that will never be fully erased. That’s my husband. I was married 11yrs, and looking back, I now see I carried the family on so many levels- but he was brilliant, devoted to his job of 20yrs, and, what I thought was a typical quirky IT guy. Then he just snapped one day- became psychotic, 3 hospital stays, 2 were 4 weeks long. Has her absued us? No, but I’m hoping I made decisions fast enough to prevent that from happening. i also worked very hard on his behalf to try and get every Dr, nurse, social worker, case worker, therapist to take the best care of him they can. He’s living in long term temporary supportive/supervised housing, where a VNA sees him take his meds twice a day (something he faked when he was here). He’s lost his job, the voices tell him he can’t look for one, they have him convinced they are of higher value than his own children- something I never thought possible. You can not judge a spouse of a mentally ill person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. My heart breaks, but I am not capable of caring for him, and i too deserve a life free of fear.
Nicole, for what it’s worth, it sounds like you have done all you could, the best for him, you and your family. And for anyone who should question the kind of approach you have taken, the important point you that make so well in your post, that they must understand, is this:
You said, “…i too deserve a life free of fear.”
Exactly!
i needed to know that i was not the only person, now i can see that i really need to end this relationship before it kills me. Thank you .
Thank you.
As long as your not leaving someone simply because they are going through a period of sadness I can understand leaving someone who hits you or refuses to get treatment for drugs.
That depends on how long the sadness lasts, and your capacity to stand living with the atmosphere this creates. The analogy is this: If someone is drowning and you are a strong swimmer, and also capable of rescuing them, then rescue them. If you are a poor swimmer, or if safety is too far away, don’t let them drag you down so that you both drown – save yourself. And once safe, by all means try to get someone else with the skills and resources to rescue them. No one should feel they are obliged to ruin their own health or life in the pursuit of caring for someone else.
Thank-you for that analogy as it really helps me with my guilt over not helping my father or staying in touch. He’s gone downhill since my mother left him, and I’ve only seen him once since. He’s no longer the happy loving man I sometimes got glimpses of, and that i will always remember my father as being. Last I saw him he was extremely negative, and talking about a stroke he had, and I felt awful for leaving him to degrade like he has. Alternately though, since I’ve left I’ve become more of a whole person, and everyday I can see myself healing, improving, and learning how to live life normally. I can’t save him, I’m not a good enough swimmer for that, and maybe someday when i’ve healed and I can take care of myself, maybe then I can go back for him, or send help if he’s still there, but i can’t stay the person I was growing up, it’s not healthy and i deserve to have a life. So thank-you again, whenever I’m tempted or just feeling frightened and alone this post always comes up on google, and saves me
My best friend since 10 years old came to visit and ended up staying with me for a year. We fell in love and shortly moved in to a new place. Over the next few months he started showing signs of irratic behavior and random people started coming to the house. I thought it may have been the pressure of living together but he came out and told me he had bp with various side effects. I had no clue how serious the illness was….until he started getting aggressive and name calling, eventually it was so bad i moved out again not knowing much about the seriousness of the illness just knowing this is not safe for me and my child. He could have moved in with family or friends which he did briefly but long term wanted to be on the street. I would meet him lunch and spend the day time with him not realizing tthis was all enabing his illnesses. Since his immediate family never came to help him when i called them i wasnt justgoing to leave him. I became his crutch. Time passed and i was offered a great job a chance to move out of my moms again. He showed up adt my new job drunk and made a scene. Fortunately the mamger of security and my manager both had siblings with the illness and really explained things to me about what he was going through. I was then sent away for 3 days of training, he went irratic while i was gone, saying he was going to die, that i left him, all kinds of things. It was so bad while i was away, he called his mother telling her things i was doing while away training for my new job. Just horrible things his mind was telling him i was cheating…. When i returned he demand ed to see me or he would find me and make a scence. I agreed to meet but the second i hung up his mom calls saying we have to find him we are going to take hi in for treatment. I took the bullet and set him up to get taken. She told me this would be an act of love so he would be better. I feel like shit, like i bbetrayed our childhood friendship. They told me to not take his calls and to let go. I wonder if i will ever hear from him again or even see him again for that matter. I know i have a wonderful opportunity in front of me and a beautiful child to raise, but i do love him with all my heart. When love is abruptly taken away its not easily forgotten.
Thank you for your further explaination. I still don’t agree entirely, but I appreciate you taking the time to be clear up where exactly you were coming from in the first post. Getting help when you suffer with a mental illness isn’t always cut & dry. Sometimes, like you said, the illness can cloud your judgement or it may be just a matter of no access to that help. Stigmas, symptoms, family encouragment & support, etc. all play into the decision to seek help or not. Everyone can usually make decisions in life but those decisions are sometimes poor ones influenced by a disease. A decision or action made during an episode or down swing may be entirely different from the decision they would have made otherwise. I think that’s important to know. The chemistry involved often overwhelms logic & even self preservation. It’s not a black & white thing. I hope you’ll keep yourself safe & adjusted (part of why it’s important for the loved ones & not just the sufferer of addiction/mental illness seek help & support too), but I also hope you’ll be there for him. He’s not necessarily being selfish or destructive simply because he wants to. His judgement is impaired by his ill brain & it may take a lot of time. He’s not the titantic, but just trying to stay afloat like your family. It’s hard for him to captain a ship that’s taking on water. I’m sorry for you both & i wish your brother the very best.
My husband insists that the government has been spying on him and shooting him with microwaves for the past 15 years. He won’t get treatment because he doesn’t consider himself delusional. He’s suffering a lot; hardly sleeps and spends the night moving around the room trying to barricade himself with metal objects and so forth. We’ve got two middle-schoolers and our life is at a standstill because he trusts literally almost nobody, so he now has no friends, won’t go to the doctor, can do very little of anything involving the outside world. No symptoms really, other than these beliefs and sensations, though. He’s in no way abusive or threatening, but the counselor I started seeing recommended I take the kids and move to a different house– not get divorced, but just give them an opportunity to be away from his view of the world for a few days a week. I’m afraid he might harm himself or something if I did that; he was very upset when I suggested it might be better for the kids. I haven’t gone back to the counselor because I’m afraid he’ll keep pressuring me to leave. Wondered if anyone here has ideas. I’m not sure his condition is even treatable.
Your husband most likely has schizophrenia. Medication can help reduce severity of symptoms. If he gets worse and continues not to sleep he may need to be hospitalised/committed to be treated. Talk to your doctor about who can help you. Get help for yourself & your kids.
I just need to try to understand this all. I
Knew something was wrong with my husband after we married. I’ll admit when we first married I was damaged goods myself , but somehow I came out of it and have become a nurse and productive person . My husband seems so perfect for me when we first met. Sweet , loving and caring. But them he started changing. He cheat on me constantly with this girl who has bipolar and smokes weed and has a dysfunctional background. He also has a crazy background , but I never knew how bad it was. He’d make promises to change and he was actually a good husband . But he would always accuse me of things , and be adiment about it. I excused it as he was cheating and nothing serious. But at one point he had a full
Delusional manic episode. Saying the bill collectors were out to kill him, I was out to get him set up and killed. Always accusing me of looking at other men. Made me sit and talk to him for hours about how horrible he is. Back and fourth out of my life. One minute he wants me next minute he doesn’t. Saying he doesn’t love the girl with bipolar , they are just too lost souls. He put me through hell , during my first pregnancy , I thought I was going to emotionally die. He can’t cope with weed ,he can’t sit still for too long. He loves sex , everyday , which is good for me because I do too. But he was always cheating on me as we’ll. he got arrested three years ago and promised to change , but it was still acting strange while he was in jail. Since he’s been home , he started seeing the same girl. He says all they do is drink , and smoke weed. He is a very good father to our kids and when he okay , gives me everything in the world. Rubs my back , takes me on trips.pays for everything. But then he’ll switch up when things seem to get stressful ,saying he’s gonna kill the neighbor I’m sleeping with . he also tells me about people he thinks is out to get him. He remembers everything about everybody. He wakes up at night with accusations about me cheating . I tell him he maybe needs some help. It’s gotten to the point that he leaves every week now for a few days . Found out he’s selling drugs to make money . I’m pregnant with second child . Does it sound like he has a mental disorder ? Idk , I know my mom has one but hasn’t been diagnosed .
Ojones, Nobody can diagnose him but a professional, but I’d bet my bottom dollar he’s bipolar with paranoia. I rarely ever say this, but you need to kick him out of your life unless he seeks medical help. You need help yourself. I say that because you have all the signs of someone carrying a lot of baggage from your own childhood dealings with mental illness. You have no idea of the many things you probably do that cause dysfunctional people to be drawn to you, and you enable them out of compassion. However, you must stop doing that. I say this from first hand experience. Go to a al-anon. Whether he drinks or not is irrelevant, he’s clearly abusing drugs. Al-anon will teach you how to stop enabling him. If he gets help for his illness, you can always work it out with him. However, if you think he’ll ever get better without treatment, you’re only fooling yourself and it will pass on the dysfunctional behavior to your children. Please, do it for yourself and your kids.
As someone who has been on both sides of this situation, I have to agree with Natasha. Before I was diagnosed I treated some of my partners pretty horribly. As much as it shames me to admit it, I was probably mean enough to qualify as emotional abuse. (I say probably because my mind won’t recall a lot of that time period. Idk if it’s state-dependent memory or if my brain just does a big NOPE when it comes to remembering such a painful time in my life.) I was then diagnosed, sought treatment, and actively worked to get better using all the appropriate tools I could find. And you know what? It worked. Life was by no means sunshine and rainbows, and I still had symptoms and it still disrupted my life sometimes, but it was the most functional I have been since the bipolar started setting in 13 years ago. So, finally stable and well enough, I started dating someone. He had similar symptoms as I did, but was undiagnosed, and I loved that I had found someone who understood what I experience. He said he really wanted to see a doctor and would as soon as his health insurance kicked in. Well, he didn’t. What he did do was verbally and emotionally abuse me, and when I told him that I wasn’t ok with how he treated me, he gaslighted me, telling me that I was too sensitive and he wouldn’t get so mad if I would only treat him well. (“So mad” = screaming at me for half an hour until I’m sobbing and cringing in a corner, all because I scooped the peanut butter out of the jar the “wrong” way.) I was so used to my emotions being inaccurate that I was willing to entertain the possibility, and because I loved him, I just accepted that and chalked anything else up to him coping with untreated mental illness. Over a year later, I finally left after he threatened to kill my cat because he was mad at me. (The cat came with me.) Now I have to deal with bipolar AND severe PTSD. I am not saying people with mental illness aren’t good partners or shouldn’t date, because obviously I don’t want to die alone and I know plenty of people with various mental illnesses of various severity who have happy, healthy relationships. What I am saying is this: Do not let someone’s mental illness become a reason that you have to accept abuse. Ever. Sometimes not accepting it looks like telling them their behavior isnt ok, no matter the explanation, and telling them that they need to work to seek treatment and do whatever else they need to do stop abusing people, and other times it means getting the heck out. If you go with the first one, though, don’t be wishy-washy. Don’t accept excuses about why they haven’t gotten around to it yet. Sympathy is not a good enough reason to accept abuse. Loving someone is not agood enough reason to accept abuse. Rhe thought that this person will be such a good partner and you will be so happy once they are treated is not a good enough reason to accept abuse. Life with bipolar is hard enough as it is, and adding in the overwhelming fear, panic, and fear-driven rage that comes with PTSD just makes it even worse, because then it’s harder to tell if you’re going manic or if your PTSD was triggered, and if you guess wrong you at best delay doing whatever you need to do to get better, and at worst make the symptoms worse by picking the wrong thing. Seriously, it is not worth abuse. I have been on both sides, and I can promise you, it is not worth it to stay with an abusive person, no matter what their explanation is.
I have some vauge experiance with this (I believe my sister has a mild form of diagnosed bipolar but I digress im no expert) But i fully believe if YOUR own well being in danger and you are being pushed to your limit you have EVERY right to leave, Mental Illness is NOT, NOT an excuse for abuse, it is not. Dont sugar coat it, dont try to pull the wool over someones eyes, its not, plain and simple.
I have bipolar I. I had a close friend who is also bipolar I. We had been a big source of support for one another for years. We are so much alike it is weird. But I could not tolerate her victim mentality. She collects full disability, smokes pot and complains about everything. Co-signing her complaints seemed very much like I was enabling her. Our long friendship was recently ended by her because I suggested that she had the power to adjust her attitude — that being bipolar is not a blanket excuse for bad behavior. Maybe I could have handled it differently, and I wonder if I was too harsh, but I also know that I was not saying anything to her that I do not say to myself every day. I agree you have to let go of people who don’t do what they can to help themselves.
THANK YOU for writing this blog post. I left an 8.5 year relationship with someone I felt had multiple mental illnesses. After I left him, he finally hit rock bottom, checked himself in for help/treatment, and finally got diagnosed and medication/therapy. But it was too late for us. I had spent years giving to someone who could not meet my most basic needs. I had, unknowingly, acted as a substitute for the medication and therapy, and it nearly cost me my own mental well being. I had to leave him or I would have been right there with him, in a very bad place.
Most everyone we know in common doesn’t blame me. But I blame myself. I feel, at times, that I abandoned someone in their darkest hour. But ultimately, my responsibility to myself came first, and I felt like The Giving Tree. I was nothing but a stump anymore. I had nothing left to give. I could not help him. I could not even help myself very much.
People often fail to realize that the partners of the mentally ill face such challenges, guilt, and problems. Thank you for writing your post.
If you knowingly date someone with a mental illness then you really don’t have a leg to stand on and complain.
If after years of being together, an illness manifests, then you have my sympathies.
I have Bipolar Type II. I find it disgusting the way people with my illness are treated by people who claim to love them. You are called crazy, lazy, and worse by people close to you. It’s ok for your wife to take the kids and leave or your husband to dump you.
I know people who have been served divorce papers in ICU after making a suicide attempt. But it’s ok to be that callous to the mentally ill.
My mom is in a wheelchair with MS. My dad is her caretaker is under extreme amounts of stress as a result of her condition and the care she requires. How many of you think it would be ok for him to leave her? It really is the same principal whether you like it or not.
For those of you bemoaning the stress of dealing with a mentally ill spouse, I do feel for you. You are truly courageous and saints if you stick it out.
For those who leave a spouse or kids because of mental illness, two words……………selfish cowards.
Selfish cowards? Really? When was the last time your mom got up out of the wheelchair and beat the heck out of your dad? When was the last time she threatened to kill him? When was the last time she destroyed everything in their home? Because until she’s done those things, there is no comparison to the situation Natasha describes in the article. She clearly is not saying all persons with bipolar disorder to this since she’s bipolar herself. She’s saying that some people with bipolar disorder, especially those who are not med compliant or abusing street drugs, do these things and it’s OK to leave them for that behavior. Your rant is as unfair to Natasha as it is to all those who’ve tried to stay with their bipolar spouses but could no longer tolerate the abuse. Either you did not bother reading her comment or you’re being entirely completely irrational. How long would you stay with a spouse who makes you afraid for your, or your kids’, lives?
im with Lori totally agree I have bipolar and in a newer relationship. I would hope that if I got abusive etc. he would move on with his life. We all have choices and I cant just cant understand why they wont get help take medication. He is very supportive thank god and gives me the space I need. Watch out Jamie I started with bipolar II now its gone full blown bipolar there is a difference its so much worse. Abuse is abuse and mental illness that is left untreated is not something a spouse should have to endure just saying. Love u Natasha
I am a foster parent, and this is a tough issue for me. my son, who has been with me for 7 years off and on, has something major going on. i am a well-adjusted, overall nice person. so he has all kinds of issues from his childhood of abuse and neglect. now he is over 18, and he is a big guy, and strong, and he uses his size to intimidate and threaten. he is a compulsive liar. its fascinating in a bizarre sort of way to watch him lie all the time, it is so pointless. like all kinds of people, he is complex. he is charming, funny and kind. he can be thoughtful. he is intelligent. when he is on track, i enjoy his company. still, i don’t believe in my heart, really, that he is truly motivated to accept the seriousness of his condition and do something to really change. if someone had a broken leg, you would expect them to go to the doctor and get it treated. you wouldn’t be expected to carry them around the house for the rest of their lives. i know its more complicated because a part of the illness is that they have a nutty world view. and on his good days, when he is talking and acting stable, i can just imagine what life would be like if he could get there. but… that never lasts so i am in love with an idea,or a dream of who he could be, not the reality of who he is.
Still, like natasha, i can’t accept that i have to give up a calm, loving life because he has a mental illness. what difference would it really make to him anyway if i did? if he doesn’t get treatment, he is going to find other people to be nutty around., they will get sick of it, and on and on. his illness may prevent him from being able to value me and take care of this relationship like he should, but for me, at some point, the reality is that for whatever reason, he doesn’t value what i offer. i have been supportive and done what I can. now i think i am enabling, and it is a judgement call. i may or may not be right, i can only make the call the best i can. thanks for the post and the comments from everyone. these are super hard decisions!
I wish I’d said good-bye. My wife, Sarah, had struggled with Bipolar for most of her life and had attempted suicide many times. She had been prescribed only an antidepressant by her PN (who would not talk to me and did not monitor her adequately) this winter. When spring hit Sarah went manic and set me up in a bar; lied and pressed charges for domestic battery against me. Because of this we were suddenly separated. The day after she said she wanted to get back together – she killed herself. Now all I have are memories and regrets.
I agree 100%. And this is not about tough love the way some may interpret it, nor is it like all the selfish people who have abandoned our family because my daughters illness was embarrassing or annoying, at some point it is about our own simple right to life. Just because we have a sick child, or sibling doesn’t mean we are somehow less deserving of life than others. Those who have experienced the pain and broken bones, and name calling, verbal, physical abuse know you have to take the opportunity when its possible to protect yourself and take your life back. People especially with severe mental illness because of the in and out treatment that happens in this country with our failed MI system learn to both manipulate and use their illness as an excuse to behave badly. Yes, the illness causes many, many difficulties with thought processes and perception of reality, but even in the insane mind there are sane thoughts and ultimately their actions are their responsibility, not ours. We do not deserve to be abused. We deserve peace, safety and the ability to move forward with careers, and yes even happiness.
How and what can I do for a friend, I feel has bipolar, she. Sees and feels attacks by something or someone that doesn’exist, she wants to move from the flat she lives in and creates destruction , in the w ay of vandalisum, then she rings the police tells them someone is trying to hurt her, this is not true , she is attacked at night , by something, she really believes it is happening, and the destruction, she is now convinced someone has done it, she has bought paint stripper, files to destroy the door, now she is going to knock the pipe out of the toilet, to.create a flood, so she will have to be moved, this goes n and on. Her name [moderated], Please help her, because one day she will do something that coud hurt. Someone, or her self.
DE. X X
Hi Denise,
I had to moderate out your friend’s details as I can’t have you posting them here.
If you need to get help for your friend, I recommend connecting with a local mental health group (such as NAMI, just Google them) and they may be able to point you to somewhere local. You can also try your doctor or call a helpline at any time. https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
Also, you may want to read this as it’s about convincing someone to get help: http://www.youneedhelpbook.com/You_Need_Help/Overview.html
– Natasha Tracy
No one fully understands and has no right to judge an individuals comments on living with loved ones with bipolar unless they have been there themselves. It is the most traumatic experience any family can go through and as much as we love our family member who is suffering from this horrible illness there gets a stage when we have to make a decision are we going to allow our own lives to be totally destroyed or are we going to have to distance ourselves from our family member in order to keep our sanity. And when we do make this choice and keep our distance we are also taking on the guilt we will feel day in day out, could we should we have done more when deep down we know that we couldn’t have done any more, the endless nights with no sleep endless phone calls from our loved ones in hospital refusing to take their medications, crying over the phone that they don’t want to live any more, and feeling so helpless. Why is their no help for families having to not only deal with this but also trying to get on with our lives as normally as possible, there should be counselling made available. The guilt that families feel is the worst thing in the world, tireless efforts we place with our loved ones and the constant sets backs when our family member comes off their medication and has to be readmitted to hospital. It is your worst nightmare!!
I just want to thank you for this. I needed it. My family is full of mental illness and drug abuse. Thank you for sharing.
I didn’t want to leave Sarah, but she set up an incident at the bar – she serendipitously tossed her drink on me and then when I tossed mine back called the police and charged me with domestic violence. Thanks to the Violence Against Women Act our state has adopted a “No contact” and a “No drop” policy. So later when Sarah was not not manic and paranoid and was lonely and wanted me back – she couldn’t! So last week Sarah took her life.
She wanted me back! I have a spotless record. I’ve never hurt anyone. After reading her journals I discovered that she had thought I wanted to kill her and set the whole thing up to get me out of there! Now she’s gone.
How did the law serve my wife or I? I tried to kill myself and I’ve lost nearly 20 pounds – I was not overweight to begin with. This tragedy could have been avoided. We both suffered so much!
Hang in their, buddy. You can get through this. You may think there’s no light at the end of the tunnel right now, but there is. Just keep walking that line, one step at a time, and you’ll get there, you’ll see it eventually.
Others can be as angry as they want about my decision…. if you want to stay in a relationship with someone 100% self-centered and who refuses to comply with treatment, and be psychologically abused until the day you die, go right ahead. All I know is I have done the right thing for me and my family, and I don’t give a hoot what others think about it. I just want others to know that it’s okay to let go of a mentally ill person who will not comply with treatment. Don’t ruin your life for someone who has no intention of changing theirs.
Well said, Dee. Quite right. And I say that as a bloke who has been the horrid one to live with.
Natasha, I applaud you. You are telling my story including the fysical abuse I endured in my relationship with a person suffering from SZ. Indeed, you have a right of safety.
They have no idea what they put you through. Thank you for your story!
well this im not on board with at all. till death do us part.. im sorry.. i just have one question?.. if im married and lets say its not mental..its lets say CANCER. lets say BREAST CANCER. now what if i was so rotten of a man that i said to my wife after she had them removed.”yup,i cant be with a breast-less woman im sorry,see ya”..and just filed divorce and took off…i know exactly what would happen ..everyone from my wifes side and even my side of the family would go insane!..HE LEFT HER FOR WHAT!!-society as a whole would deem that act HORRIBLE! -it already has..file grounds that your wife has cancer ..file grounds for divorce on that..TOSSED RIGHT OUT!.. my wife married me KNOWING I WAS BIPOLAR.. i am not a WANTING TO HURT OTHER OR MYSELF.. i have worked all the way UNTIL SHE LEFT ME..once my wife left me that was it..iall the support i had built around her..{15 years}..just fell apart.. and even wo0rse for me.. is of course once she real;izd that THE MARITAL HOME is to be sold..SHE FILED AND NOW SHE IS THE ONE STALLING!…LOL!.. i actually GOT BETTER TO AS THE MARRIAGE WENT ON.. i always had my spells.. and sure i had where i needed 30 minutes for my meds to work before i could get moving.. lets remember that illnesses like cancer and such come with all kinds of things like UPS AND DOWN,crazy irratioanl thoughts do to all the drugs,constant fatigue and not wanting to do anything.no appetite.
simply put the situation being discussed here is JUST BASICALLY ANY REALLY BAD RELATIONSHIP FOR ANY REASON. i was far from dragging my wife down. i was a BIPOLAR with a 60k job,house,cars,my kids,10 years with same DOCTOR!..now almost 15!.. my meds are working great!…ectect.. basically the worse thing that has happened to me was my wife leaving me for another man..
before i go on and on.. sure if someone is literally dragging you down..or whatever… IF YOU MARRIED THIS PERSON YOU OWE IT TO THEM AND IF YOU LEAVE THEM..the courts will almost never grant it on mental condition alone..so yo0u will have to lie and make something else up..i know as my wife tried and the judge just asked me a few questions and said more grounds were needed… WHEN IN FACT IT IS REALLY ADUTERY!
anyway i personally think it is SICK that i see folks get a pat on the back for leaving a mentally ill person behind ,left alone,no support ,nothing!… and they get a party and congrats!…yet like i said ..ask yourself ..what would you think of me as a man if i just left a woman -MY WIFE..15 years 2 kids ..all of that.. and OH WELL YOU HAVE TO HAVE A PINKY TOE REMOVED..”nope cant do it..i love cute feet and sorry im leaving you”
.. I WOULD NOT GET ANY PATS ON THE BACK..IN FACT IT WOULD BE THE OPPOSITE REACTION AL THE WAY!..i would be known as the scumbag of the family..HOW COULD HE..SHE WAS SICK AND HAD TO HAVE THAT TOE REMOVED!..ITS NOT HER FAULT!” -im not sure if i need to apologize here if i bounced all over or not..but i do..you normally can see the BIPO in the writing..im sure i repeated myself as well. thank you for having me.. and i do love it here. its not al MARRIAGES and such are the same.. you should write something up on folks who use the person disability against them. now i am on SSDI.fully. 5 meds. ectect.. im actually worse off..BUT GETTING BETTER..-KEEP ON LEARNING! -PF REMEMBER I AM SPEAKING OF MARIAGE HERE.WHICH ITS IOF FOR SE REASON FOLKS FORGET.THE REASON ITS SO HARD TO DIVORCE ON THE GROUNDS THAT YOUR WIFE OR HUSBAND IS SICK..is becuase YOU ARE SUPPOSE TO BE THE ONE WHO TAKES CARE OF THEM!..ITS YOUR DUTY! i only 37 and i know this! this has nothing to with religion either..BUT A PERSONS WORD!
Peter, did you actually READ the article Natasha wrote? First of all, the bipolar person in her life was her brother, not spouse. Secondly, Natasha is bipolar herself. Furthermore, in the article she was talking about ABUSE. It’s not applicable to your scenario at all. It’s not comparable to a spouse that is suffering from a disease, but not harming anyone else. In Natasha’s scenario, the brother was literally tearing up her home, physical, verbally and emotionally abusive, and would not get treatment. That’s why the article is entitled When to Leave Someone With Mental Illness. She didn’t say to leave them no matter what. The purpose of the article is to give very loyal, compassionate people permission to leave someone if they’re being abused. Keep in mind this site is to SUPPORT people with bipolar disorder and their loved ones. The scenario with your wife was different. She left you for another man. Natasha even addresses that in a positive way (maybe in the comment section). She makes the point that if your spouse leaves you, then clearly she is not suited for you, mental illness or not. You deserve someone who can handle it and is loyal enough to stay with you through the ups and downs (assuming you’re being honest about not being abusive and not “dragging her down”). You’ll never find the right person if you’re still hung up on the wrong person. Good luck to you.
I really didn’t expect to burst out laughing when I read this post but you get an award for the best-placed paragraph break ever:
You:
… just because someone insists on dragging his own life to the bottom of the ocean, doesn’t mean that you have to let them drag you there too.
Me:
“Insists???”
You:
Yes, I said “insists.”
Me:
Laughter and then relief at feeling understood.
I have been with a man I have believed to be Mr Wonderful for most of our 30 years together,,, sadly all has come out in the last 8 months , he is a compulsive liar and people pleaser , If any of you have no idea what this mental illness is like, It destroys the sanity of the innocent partner. I have been gas lighted , told I amagine things , cheated on , lied to , which means you can never have a real conversation, I have uncovered so many despicable things I never would have imagined him capable of , and since this has all come out , he has now turned very violent as he is in denial … he has , sought therapy , however, this really I believe has just made him even better at trying to deceive me…. it is mental and physical torture , he is a chameleon, a different person to each and every contact he makes … I am a strong minded , clear thinking 60 year old woman , and now realise the last 30 years of my life have been a complete sham… he has stolen monies from me ( only found this out recently) tried to obtain a remortgage on my property without my knowledge !!! How on earth he though he could possibly get away with that I have no idea , … he has recently had an affair , some times he will admit to it,,, other times he is completely in denial….. Today … I have got him to leave …. I am just about done in , He has smashed up some of my furniture , struck me , and behaves like a child who can’t get all his own way … he cries and begs forgiveness , asks for my help , then says Sorry I am going to have to let you down again ! I call this physchological abuse ,,, this is his illness / issue / problem … Nothing I say or do can fix his mental state , so before he kills me one way or another , I have made the choice of getting him out of my life …. Sadly , most people still believe him to be Mr Wonderful , the less he know’s them the better he is at fooling them… he has no close friends , I think this because he cannot remember what he has told to whom , so it appears he gets his fix by playing the part to each new contact …….He is a company Director … and fools many within the company ….. Not a nice situation to be in…. I am heart broken but I have to pres
I understand your story completely. Ive recently ended a 15 yr sham of a relationship with the father of my son. No one knows the real him and his family views me as the bad guy for walking away from him. All except for his sister who has no contact with him anymore. Funny thing is I used to try and mend their relationship in the past…but now I get it. They are all victims of a severely narcissistic mother. He is “The Golden Child” and the estranged sister is “The Scapegoat”. It was because of his sister and years of putting the pieces together that I found out who the “real” person was…. or should I say wasn’t. SEVERELY passive aggressive and narcissistic.
I had no idea it was a disorder.
The hardest part for me right now is excepting the hate and disdain he has towards me while he’s showing love and affection to every random new fling that has sacrificed NOTHING for him. It’s sickening.
Kim, I say this with all due respect as someone who has been there. Why do you care what he thinks of you if you’ve just ended the relationship? By the time you leave a relationship you should have already tried everything within your power to make it work. If nothing has worked, why continue to play into the emotional roller coaster with an ex? You can’t change others. Trying to make him understand you, or your point of view is the equivalent to banging your head against a brick wall. He associates his emotional upheaval with you, fair or not. No matter how wonderful you’ve been to him, his disease causes upheaval and you wouldn’t be human if you hadn’t reacted badly to it at least on occasion. His disease makes him more vulnerable to hurt and paranoia within relationships, and they tend to dwell on that hurt, so it makes sense that this manifests with the most significant person in his life. New people don’t have all that emotional baggage associated with them. Forgive him. He’s not doing it intentionally. That doesn’t mean you need to stay with him. As I said, I’m going to assume you’ve already tried everything you know to do to work it out. But as the father of your child, you need to be able to let go of your resentment and anger and try to have a more amicable relationship. You also should seek therapy to understand yourself and why you still need his approval even after leaving the relationship. That’s not healthy. Again, this is not criticism. It’s about relating to you and knowing how much better I handled my spouse (yes, I’m still married) after realizing how my own issues exacerbated his condition.
what is mental illness? is it a social stigma for unmarried women? Is it a dysfunction for men whom are addicted to drugs? I tend to think that mental illness is something that lurks in the environment and if Our society doesn’t get better then mental health professionals still abuse people whom may have had bad luck in the job because of stereotypes and other problems so they write off people as “crazy” and label people then place in mental institutions and drive people insane. We are too laxed in thinking what is mentally ill. To me is just a person whom is having a problem and needs to emotionally heal over Enviromental issues. Workplace violence, bullying, learning disabilities, physical characteristics and down right abuse. Society needs to stop the damn judgement and start loving people. ok now off my soapbox. thanks for the interesting perspective of how people love in society seems that mental illness is not a lovable trait in the harsh world we live in. sad.
stumbled across your post today :)
I m with a guy with mental illness and its devastating ..he had a brain bleed and stroke in the beginning of 2012. I am at my wits end..I have cared for him since he got ill, taken abuse and so has our children ..my life has completely stopped..everything is numb, i just drag myself through each day, dreaming of being on my own in a safe clean house with out all the troubles of this. I know its not his fault , we all know this, but since it happened he has become an alcoholic, he is addicted to all kinds of meds and he is not the person me and our sons(teenagers thankfully) know any more. The only trouble with leaving , there is no where either of us can go..we rent a place from local authority so it not easy for us to move on ..he does not have the skills to look after himself at all really and i feel dreadfully guilty for wanting to be free from him. I am not in love with him anymore but i do care about his health i just cant do anything for him, he wont seek help, he lies to everyone saying everything is great etc… i dont know the first way to leave…i ant to, but just dont know how to make that step. Thank you for your post..more people need to realize that many re in this complex situation .
Ali
ok-so yo have kids with tis man…so he was good enough to have children with but times are tough now so you want to roll… you gu8ys here are sick.. serious.. doesnt any0ne hold marriage at all near and dear…
Turn this on its head. If you were Bipolar and knew you were ruining the lives of people around you – spending all *their* money and creating debts, making people homeless, destroying relationships, being abusive, etc and all these things and more can happen when one in a family is Bipolar – would you want them to live with that, to live with having their lives destroyed? Do they not have a right to a normal life? As one with BP, I am glad my fiance did finally leave, not for me but for her sake. She got a life, married and had a kid. I missed her a long time because I loved her, but it was because I loved her I am glad she broke free of me.
omg get a reality check man!! yes people throw marriages away for nothing these days but that’s not even the question here. The caretakers safety is first, im not saying leave at the first signs of trouble but if the bipolar person wont get help or meds u CANT HELP THEM
Thanks for this post Natasha.
I just left my boyfriend of two years. He was diagnosed a few months after we got together. His willingness to receive treatment has been half-assed at best. He takes his medication, but he is slow to call his doctor when he needs an adjustment. He reluctantly began receiving cognitive-behavioral therapy. Recently, the doctors had to abruptly discontinue one of his medications–Lamictal–because he got the rash. After that, he was only on Seroquel. He said he felt fine without the Lamictal. A few weeks later, he began showing more aggression. In arguments, he started grabbing me, he hit me with an object, and pushed me because he didn’t like what I was saying. In all three cases I wasn’t in his face or touching him. After the first incident, I told him he needed to tell his family and therapist what was going on. He said he would…but of course he didn’t. This is someone who until then had not exhibited signs of becoming physically abusive–he didn’t really yell, he didn’t hit walls, etc. I asked him to move out and he did. I can’t help him if he doesn’t want help. It’s really sad watching him ruin everything around him because he has a hard time accepting his illness and accepting that this is something he will have for the rest of his life and that he must work hard to take care of himself.
I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 3 years. The begining of our relationship was something you only see in movies. I am being serious. Guy meets girl, girl smiles at guy, they fall in love, their lives are changed forever. It was magical. Our inside joke was when people said”Oh geez your happiness is making me sick” we heard it everyday. It had nothing to do with inappropriate PDA or that we always used pet names (we didnt) they would say that just being in the same room with a little smile or how the other person beamed even if we werent near each other. This went on for over a year. Then, in June of last year, something changed. Im not quite sure what it was but he became irritable, irrational, happy then sad, quiet then loud, we had our first argument that was above normal tone. He started drinking a lot more, taking a lot of pain medication. He was no longer the guy I met. He started stealing my pain medication that I have to take due to a deteriorating spinal condition that I actually need and I would be left without for over 2 weeks living in agony. His mood swings became violent but not towards me physically but he woul destroy things in our home, punching holes in walls, destroying our furniture, things that my children had made, scaring the kids and myself. Then in October I had enough. The lies, the drinking, the anger, pills, I had enough. I went to my purse to take one of my pain pills because I was in a lot of pain that day, I couldnt really walk well, and they were gone. I was extremely upset and went to let him know. I did all the talking, making him understand why I was angry, what I had seen over the past few months and why it had to stop. He sat there didnt rebutt anything I had to say, walked into the kitchen and slit his wrist. I called an ambulance and thank goodness it wasnt a serious wound. He went to the hospital where he received in-patient treatment for 10 days was diagnosed with bi-polarism type 2 and sent on his merry way with 3 weeks of out patient treatment. It has been 8 months, since then he went from taking medication with a goal of becoming well, to stopping all medication, returning to how it was previously, only this time its worse. I am literally losing my mind. My children do not deserve this, I do not deserve this and he (the love of my life) does not deserve this. With me, he will not get better, he will not do what he needs to do, to stay well. Bipolarism is in fact a mental disease. It is in fact manageable, I do not get scared or worried or pass judgement on a person that has it, in fact I will embrace it, because I have seen that struggle, I have felt those emotions and I know what it can do. I live my life trying to help and love other people, I put their happiness before my own, because if I can make your life better than that makes mine better and I have some worth. I have never been selfish, but now I have to be. I am breaking up with him, I am moving myself and my children (not his) to another home away from insanity so that they may have a normal happy healthy life and I will leave him behind. I found this artical looking for how to do this with the least amount of impact on that person. I still want to take care of him, I still want to make sure that he is ok and that he gets treatment, but he wont if he continues to think he is ok and we are ok. He actually said 3 days ago “I will never go back to the doctor, and I will never take medication again, I’m Bi-Polar get use to it.” That was ending day for me. I needed to vent because no one understands. I hope that everyone in here find peace with their situation no matter what it may be and I want you all to know that even though I do not know you I care for you and I love you all. I hope this situation finds peace, I hope that he will find help once again, and knows that I can be there for him as a friend when/if that happens. I can not tell the future but i will do this know that my children will no longer cry because they are scared due to what is going on in my household (Yes, I will be getting them a counselor to talk to, so that they can also work through their feelings). Thanks so much for reading, if ya did lol and I’m sorry it was so long, I didnt want to be like yeah Im leaving him, without a lay out of how truly devistating this wil be. Xoxo
Your post actually made me smile because you sound like a wonderfully compassionate person, and it sounds like you are taking control of the situation, confidently sailing out of the stormy waters towards a calmer place with hope in your heart for yourself and your children. Best of luck to you! :)
Amy, did I misread your letter? Did you say you were engaged to a man that is bipolar but you aren’t attracted to him or have any feelings for him? Why be engaged? You cannot possibly sustain a marriage with anyone, much less someone who is bipolar if you don’t have any feelings for him. Also, the brother is POA for a reason. It is not violating HIPAA laws if your fiancé gave consent, which he clearly did. Furthermore, you really do not need to get a POA and take over until you gain better insight into bipolar disorder and sort out your feelings for him. Whether you understand it or not, the brother most likely doesn’t enjoy having the added responsibility of his brother’s finances and medical care and only accepted the responsibility out of love for him. It’s possible, of course, that he has nefarious motivation, but nothing you stated proves that. (If you had said the brother was pulling money out of his account and using it for his own benefit, or that he didn’t allow your fiancé access to any money, I’d have a different perspective.) You have to be careful about believing everything someone with bipolar says because they tend to see the negative side of things and paranoia is often an issue. Again, I’m not saying it isn’t exactly as you (he) suggests, but your comment just doesn’t convince me that it’s accurate either. I’d just caution you to fully investigate the situation before taking on the burden (POA) if you’re not fully prepared to handle it for the long haul, otherwise you’re doing more harm than good. I wish you the best of luck.
I am engaged to someone w bipolar disorder, we have known each other for 3 years. He is a great guy , treats me good and my parents love him. I am very social and out going where he likes being out but is in no way social to say the least. We have a great time together but not attracted to him nor do I have feelings for him. I just found out his brother has POA over him medically and financially. My fiancé is on meds, has a daily routine and holds down a job and has his own vehicle, apartment and his own checking/savings accounts but his brother has gotten to be a bully to the point of trying to get him fired from his job , as destroying our relationship, going to doctor appointments w/him even though he is going against Hippa Laws here in the state of Iowa. As a Christian I know I was put in his life to be a friend and to stand up for him before he gets destroyed by his brother. I have considered doing a POA against his brother to get him away from my fiancé. Or do I simply let things go and walk and take care of myself, as I have a lot on my plate as well.
I’m bipolar amongst other “labels”. I never asked to be this way, and I don’t think you have any right to make people like us out to be any less than human because we have mental disorders. As it has always been described to me, my doctors say you HAVE bipolar disorder, just like someone can HAVE diabetes. It doesn’t make us who we are, it is simply a part of our make up as a human. So, if someone has for example diabetes.. should they be dumped like trash too? You, or anyone who claims that we are in a way (dare I say?) “damaged”, disgusts me. I’m sure there are many things about you, yes you, that is completely and utterly flawed as well, so why don’t you write an article about yourself and not generalize every single human that has a mental disorder? I am a calm, quiet person who goes minute by minute praying I don’t go crazy, take my pills like clock-work, etc. I think you received way too much credit for such an amateur article. What about OUR right to a good, happy life? What about the mental, physical and emotional abuse WE receive from mental system, institutions, professionals we were supposed to be able to trust with our vulnerable minds? Do a little more research before you point fingers… make sure Your hands are clean. – V. Venom
V. Venom, I am at a loss to why you think Natasha is suggesting we are less than human, and that we are trash. I don’t read the article that way at all. I think you have misread it and ask that you re-read it when you are in one of your quieter moods. Best wishes. ‘h’
V. Venom I like h, am at a loss as to why you are upset. Reading through the article as well as your comment…. To be blunt you have greatly confused me. So I thought I would point out some points in an effort to understand.
“I never asked to be this way, and I don’t think you have any right to make people like us out to be any less than human because we have mental disorders.”
In what way did Natasha make anyone out to be less than human? The point of the article was to simply point out that staying with someone who has become harmful is not healthy for either the perpetrator or the abused. That it is okay to seek shelter until help, genuine help is asked for because you cannot help someone who does not wish to be helped. After all what happens when… say the person who harmed their best friend remembers it. It instead becomes traumatic for both parties involved. You say you pray everyday that you don’t go crazy but neglect to mention the ones who don’t believe that they are. Those are the people spoken of here; the denial.
“I’m sure there are many things about you, yes you, that is completely and utterly flawed as well, so why don’t you write an article about yourself and not generalize every single human that has a mental disorder?”
Natasha has many other wonderful articles (although that is a matter of opinion) written that do show how flawed she is. If you had done YOUR research you would know that she too suffers from “bipolar” amongst other labels. Point in fact, this is one of the rare articles that are not of just her opinion. It is a great shame that this had to be the one you stumbled across V. Venom.
“Do a little more research before you point fingers… make sure Your hands are clean.”
Over a decade of experience gives her more right than most to point fingers, dear. However in the case of the article she isn’t pointing fingers. She is instead doing what NOBODY I have come across before has done (internet or otherwise). You, V. Venom may not like the idea but not everyone wants to be better, not everyone likes even the hint that something isn’t right. You (and Natasha) want to be better. That small sentence means that you put the same care into others as you do into yourself. Not everyone does, mental illness or not.
Why stay with someone who doesn’t put the same care into your well being as you do into theirs?
I’m sorry V. Venom but being human means taking responsibility for yourself and your actions. It does not mean that you get a free pass on any actions made while not thinking straight. No one has the right to belittle, verbally, or physically hurt another person. NO ONE. Do not expect someone to stay, just so that they can hear I’m sorry for something that that individual will not change. Yes, I said “will not change,” because the people referred to in Natasha’s article are in denial, they do not believe anything is wrong and so they hurt themselves and others in an endless vicious cycle that only breaks when someone has the courage to break it.
Do not denounce her simply because you (hopefully) misunderstood the article.
Why doesn’t “Natasha Tracy” speak for herself, and an unknown author is speaking as her representative. The original writer here is correct in regarding bipolar and other “mental illnesses” as a label. He is also right in suggesting that being labeled is de-humanizing, and stigmatizing as something less than capable of changing his own mind without the profiteering dogma of psychiatry’s DSM. I think you should validate that Ms Tracy’s representative! I go one further here, psychiatric “diagnosis” is a mega-billion dollar fraud. Some considerations I have for the writer and others:
Lauren Tenney Phd- “…What are facts–not opinions–are the following (and this is abbreviated): 1) there is no known etiology for any psychiatric label; 2) there is no biological evidence for any diagnostic criteria psychiatry suggests exists, existing; 3) there is not one biological test (blood, brain, gene) to show the existence of these things in a person; and 4) that at best, what there is are subjective screenings of someone’s words and behaviors, often from the perspective of an economically secure, white male dominated field, rooted in the mores of a century ago. What is opinion (otherwise known as theory)–and not fact–is that there is something biological associated with any thing that is called psychiatric….” __________________________________________________
“Mental illness” IS the stigma ; illness is discovered, not just labeled, and is physical- discovered and treated by physicians- hence the name PHYSICIAN._______________________________
– So who determines one’s “serious mental illness” and it’s treatment with or without the knowing and informed consent of the “patient or consumer”, and is that determination not, in the case of assertions by alleged experts on one’s “mental health”, a violation of their civil and human rights when and if they dissent?
– What are the definition(s) and parameters of “serious mental illness”?
– Are there agreed on references for their definition?
– Who should agree on these parameters and definitions in a “free society”, a self proclaimed group of “experts” on YOUR mind?
– How would YOU feel if you were deemed to have a “serious mental illness” you disagreed with?
– How would you feel if you were coerced or forced to accept psychiatric “treatment” you didn’t want?-
Thank you, jim keiser(pg admin) -________
https://www.facebook.com/jpkeis?fref=photo (check it out for more, and seek alternatives!)
“The original writer here is correct in regarding bipolar and other “mental illnesses” as a label. He is also right in suggesting that being labeled is de-humanizing, and stigmatizing as something less than capable of changing his own mind without the profiteering dogma of psychiatry’s DSM. !”
Errr…. who says it’s de-humaizing? Is that coming from someone with Bipolar Disorder or a psychologist (or some other mental health professional) telling those of us who are Bipolar what we should think?
Notice I *am* Bipolar, not ‘I have bipolar disorder’ or (more popular among mental health professionals in the UK) a ‘mental heal disorder’.) I’m fine with the label. I *am* Bipolar, I am *a* Bipolar,and if I am ok with it, why should anyone else impose their values on me to say it isn’t ok? Sure, there is some stigmatizing of mental illness as a whole, and especially schizophrenia, but for right or wrong, good or bad, there *is* a popular idea that people who are Bipolar tend to be creative, that *that* is a good thing, and in some creative circles (e.g. some advertising agencies) it’s actually a ‘plus’ mark on the CV! As in “He’s bipolar – he takes great pictures.”
But that aside, the fact that I am writing this note and I have Bipolar Disorder says something very positive about me *because I am still alive”, because the frigging illness hasn’t destroyed me. I am surviving it. I am not just a Bipolar, I’m a Bipolar Survivor. Bipolar disorder takes us to the very limits – if we can survive that, we can probably survive anything! I can reflect on that and feel good about it. Oh yes, did I say, I’m Bipolar. :-)
I’m 43, mother to three adult sons. Daughter to a deceased bipolar father, sister to a deceased bipolar sister and the suffering parent of a 23 year old schizophrenic.
I’ve been on my own since I was 16. A product of horrendous abuse, survivor of nightmares and the sole caretaker of my children despite the fact that they have so-called “family” by the bucket loads.
I’m sure my parenting style has been one of over compensation. Be that a result of my own childhood or that of circumstance with failed marriage.
Regardless, my sons have always had my support!
When my middle boy, we’ll call him”L”, was 13, he was diagnosed bipolar. He’d been under the care of specialists since he was 8. The diagnosis came years after careful monitoring.
To say his teenage years were difficult is an understatement, but I persevered because of my life-long experience with my sister and father. When L was 17, he had his first psychotic break and tried to kill me. I’m a tough nut- childhood spent in hell, no doubt. I wasn’t afraid for myself. I was pissed for him. He was forced out of my home and with the help of social workers, in a safe environment with trained professionals.
Over the years I’ve let him back in my home on and off. 6 months after abusing synthetic drugs, his mind fractured- catapulting him into full on schizophrenia. He chose homelessness over help. It took 6 weeks for my family (husband and sons) to find him. He was half dead. Apart from near starvation and drastic exposure, he was completely caught up in serious hallucinations and delusions. We rescued him and after 6 months of hospitalization, brought him home.
He’s left and come back numerous times… my family leaving the decision to help him to me. I’m strong willed– ill never allow anyone to dictate what is opposite of my heart and minds desire… What I’m able to live with.
I battled stage 3b cancer – barely survived and live with a progressive form of lupus.
Despite the degree of medical support and in place programs, L has again chosen “freedom”/homelessness to continued care. The toll on my family has been horrific and I too have finally decided that I have to break ties. He gets SSDI each month and is insured, but won’t stay in programs that not only offer opportunities of support, education and housing, to being able to spend his monthly funds on “things” he often abandons when he’s too weak to tote it around. He chooses the small income he receives over safety and well being.
My broken heart and spirit are in an unbearable state. I HAVE done everything short of actually sacrificing my life for him and its changed little to nothing. He’s out there somewhere– with a cellphone and his teddybear. The streets, his psychosis and intermittent visits with his case manager, psychiatrist and occasional call to his brothers. I can’t let him back. It doesn’t matter how much he begs, how hard he pleads and how many promises he makes to follow all of his health protocols. He’ll stay long enough to destroy me again and then it begins all over again… a pain that I can’t shake.
I’m an advocate for mental health awareness. A mother to a suffering schizophrenic. A broken shell of a human that’s spent 4 decades at the mercy of “crazy”. And despite their efforts, no one will ever be able to convince me wholly that my life will get better over time.
I turned my back on my son and its a slow death each day I awake.
It’s an illness that hurts the loved ones more than sufferer. I’d say permission to live without it has its consequences too. Good luck to us all and may we find some semblance of peace one day.
I am a Clinical Psychologist, have a Bipolar Illness, and possible dementia. Thus, I have sat on both chairs. I am 60 years old and have been labeled as disabled. Quite a fall from grace> my brain does not function that well and my estimated IQ has dropped by at least 25 percent. I have had 5 lengthy episodes and which each cycle my functioning deteriorates. I have a very loving wife but there is natural anger, sadness, and the demise of most of our dreams. I cannot survive without her but a have a daughter who is dependent on me to help guide her. I often wish I could just leave , making her life more tolerable. But in a strange way, she needs me more than I need her.
I think that is something we all should think about. She would never leave me. This is a terrible disorder almost like I have 3 personalities1) my “normal” state2) my depressed state#) manic state where I become a elf-centered monster releasing anger every time I could. However, the greatest loss is the loss of my mind.
You write an excellent letter. If you’ve lost 25 percent of your IQ, it must have been pretty impressive to begin with. I am glad you are married to someone who is loyal to you and I wish both of you the best.
I have been going out with a man for just under 2 years. Before he met me he had a porn addiction for five years.
His has stopped his addiction. His addiction was so detrimental. He can’t have sex with me. He just recently got help (therapist) I am so proud of him for doing that. He also has severe depression, body dysmorphia and I think some other personality disorder. He is not romantic, lies, can be really selfish and is very lazy. He has not been diagnosed but I’m sure he is autistic as well. He doesn’t like going out at all and wants to spend time alone. He has no friends. He can also be funny witty and loving so it is hard because I do love him. I know how he is is because he is seriously mentally damaged. I do loads for him- cook clean his flat try so hard to make him okay and a bit happier but it’s been really tough. It has put such a strain on me mentally. I don’t know if love is enough because he hurts me so much and there is so much wrong. I have a very busy and exciting life and I love my job. I have friends I enjoy going out socialising. We are both in our early 20s. I don’t know what to do it hurts so much because I know he has a good heart it’s just really tough and he is hard to deal with and manage. I have started thinking relationships are not supposed to be this hard and that he does take me for granted. It’s tough when you love someone. Do you have any advice? Thanks a lot
You’re in your early 20’s. A relationship means you BOTH take care of each other and sounds like you don’t have that; you take care of him and he doesn’t take care of anyone. He needs to get his life together before he can expect a relationship to work. I’d encourage him to continue with the therapist and work on him. That’s all he’ll have time to do. Take care of YOU before you get too caught up and it starts to demolish your life. You’ve got a lot of life still ahead of you and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t enjoy it. He’s not your child but he can always remain a friend. And friends can help each other too without sacrificing your own well being.
I have mixed feeling regarding this topic, as well as a lot of pent up anger because I was the one left for having an illness that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. I was with my husband for 11 years, which for a 32 yr old woman, that’s a really long time. I was recently diagnosed after my first real depressive episode after months of manic induced poor decisions. I’ve been hospitalized several times since which is where I learned about the importance of a support system. I may have acted out in horrible ways due to my mania, but in all honesty the last thing you think about during that time are repercussions, nor are you in anyway intentionally striving to hurt your loved ones. It’s part of the illness. I firmly believe in the vows, especially in sickness and health. My husband booted me on the street penniless and my family turned their backs on me. Had they been patient, they would see me now, finally stabilized and on a successful medication regiment. Losing my family to this illness is the most painful experience I’ve encountered. I didn’t chose this, it chose me and destroyed my life. I guess my point is at least try a hand at being a caregiver, and remember the person you fell in love with is still there, they’re just in tremendous pain.
Shay, congratulations on taking control of your life and your illness. That’s fantastic, and why your chances of leading a healthy, happy life are so much greater than many suffering from this disease. I think that’s also key to you understanding why Natasha wrote this article. Nobody reading this article took their vows lightly. If they’ve come here seeking answers, it’s because they desperately want to help their spouse, but can’t reach them. I don’t know how long your spouse and family dealt with bad behavior on your part, but many have been dealing with it for decades to no avail. If you ever want reconciliation with your family, it has to start with you understanding exactly what they’ve been through. No, you didn’t choose this illness, but neither did they. You admit wrong-doing, but if you’re like most bp sufferors, you may not even know all the things you said and did during your mania to cause them pain. I say that not to discourage you, but to help you understand that they need affirmation that you know how painful the situation has been for them – it’s part of the healing process. Perhaps they will now see how stable you are and begin to have a better understanding of the illness. Whatever happens with them, you now can move forward and find happiness – with or without them. The old adage “the best revenge is a life well lived” may not be perfectly appropriate, but essentially it’s good advice. Have a life well lived.
I have schizo-affective disorder, and If was not for people telling me about my bad behavior during episodes and substance abuse, I would have never known how I affected other people. Because the next day after I sobered I did not remember and If I was told I did not believe them. So I know that is important to point out bad behavior. Secondly, It wasn’t until I lost everything and could not figure out why that I realized I needed help. After getting clean and getting help I was in denial until I became educated about my illness. I had to learn my triggers, healthy copings skills and go through therapy. So you I believe you should let your partner know what you are noticing and educated them on how to get help or additional help. But if it comes down to leaving after that they may recognize. I also was guilty of using my illness as an excuse for bad behavior.
I searched up ‘My boyfriend is mental.’ I’m glad I found this post. We don’t live together thankfully, but I think he has severe mental issues, and I’m still not sure whether or not to leave him, or if that is a very cold thing to do. Today I spent my afternoon trying to calm him down, dealing with him sobbing in my room. Then we came downstairs, and he started pushing me about and saying ‘I’m your boyfriend, and you will respect me.’ This is the first time he’s ever been like that, and I’m not sure if leaving him will push him over the edge or not. I’m a teenager, he’s five years older. Not sure if that matters. He phones me and texts me every day from 06:00 till midnight. Not sure what to really do.
I rarely ever say this, but you need to leave him and not look back. If he’s already pushing you and being aggressive, it will only get worse. The thing about dealing with mental illness is that even though you can have all the love and compassion in the world for those suffering from it, unless they are willing to do what it takes to get treated and (for the most part) get it under control, they will absolutely get worse and ruin your life. I don’t say that lightly either. They often get emotionally, mentally and physically abusive. They will destroy your finances in a heartbeat. Keep in mind, I’m saying IF they don’t get help and IF they’re already showing this level of aggression and abuse. The ONLY way I would even consider staying with him if I were you is if you can sit down and discuss his emotional problems and he agrees to get medical treatment. Then, he would have to actually follow through with doctor visits and work through the long process of finding the right meds and stick with them. Don’t fool yourself into thinking you can save anyone. They have to save themselves (with you being as supportive as possible). But again, it’s up to HIM to want to get better, otherwise you’ll spend your life being the med police or a verbal and emotional (possibly physical) punching bag.
Run. You are a teenager and much too young to settle for someone (mentally ill or not) that is going to abuse you in any way. Find the one you deserve, not the one that dictates who you deserve.
I have been through a long past 8 years with my now ex-husband. We have a son together and I had children from a previous marriage. When we first met, he was amazing. I thought my new life was going to be great. Our problems started immediately after we said I do. I found out I was pregnant one month after marriage. The fear and the frustration was horrible through out the entire pregnancy. Once the baby was born he promised to change and apologized for being so cruel. That lasted two days. He alienated me from my family, from my other kids. He wouldnt touch me sexually from the pregnancy in fear of ‘hurting the baby’ as he told it. I was told when and where and how much in every aspect of the marriage. We had a very plush lifestyle that he provided for me and because of that I was supposed to be greatful for that alone and accept the abuse. I cried until my tears turned to anger. Id imagine myself getting physical with him out of frustration but luckily it never went there. My kids were always on pins and needles just as I was and my two oldest moved in with their Dad because of it. I left the first two times and was promised a change and it may of lasted a week. The third time I left, I ran to another county and filed for divorce. I got a job and was trying to move on with my life. After 6 months and another promise to change, I went back again. I was made to quit my job again once I moved back…putting me at his mercy once again. It took two more years before I had to courage and strength to leave again. He fought me for custody of our son bc he had more money than I and could provide for our son and also tried to say I was unfit bc I was previously married twice and whatever else he tried to concoct. I was awarded primary custody in the end. I have been away from him 18 months but I still allow him to control me with his words and phone calls and I am driving myself crazy with guilt. Last year he was put in a mental facility and diagnosed with the worst case of manic depression or so I was told. When he was hospitalized I didnt go see him. I was trying to move on with my life and left that whole ordeal to his family. I found out later that manic depressive was bi-polar. He takes NO medication but is saying now that he knows he has a problem and will go get on medication or counseling if I will do it with him. I go thru so much guilt and mixed emotions every day. I have so much resentment and anger with him and with myself bc I wont just let it all go. I think Im ok until my phone rings and then the guilt is laid back in my lap. He was recently dating someone and my fear was ‘what if he is good to her and has changed and I didnt give him another try’…but even in lengthy conversations with him shouldve proven to me otherwise bc the blame and finger pointing is there. I just want to be happy. I just want this to rest in my mind and I dont know what to do. I have met a really nice guy and I cant even let someone be good to me because of the guilt I carry for everything I do. I dont know if the guilt is really mine or if I have assumed it bc he lays it in my lap for leaving him. He says God dont like divorce and my place is to stick by him. But I was dying inside. I didnt know what else to do and my kids witnessed way more mental abuse than anyone should have to ever endure. Please give me some insight/advice.
My suggestion is to see a therapist. I was once where you are now. It’s scary to make the change but it can be done and you will feel much better for it. You need to realize that you are giving your past too much power over you. You need to take over that power. The past is not as strong as the future can be and talking it out with a therapist helps A LOT!!
I think I need that as well. I just wish I could train my brain to not pick up the phone when it rings 45 times a day. Thank u
It will come with time. Next time the phone rings, go for a walk or a drive. Clear your head before you pick up the phone.
Why do you use the pronoun “he”. It has been my wife who has attempted suicide, called that cops on fantasied crimes by me (she said I’d hired a hit-man to kill her, thrown objects at me, and now admitted herself to a hospital and won’t let me nor her mother contact her or find how out how she is doing.
It’s not just men!
Hi Roger,
Of course it’s not just men but, as a writer, I have to pick a pronoun and the English language doesn’t have a singular pronoun that is gender-neutral.
– Natasha Tracy
Appreciation to my father who informed me about
this website, this blog is genuinely awesome.
(I’m sorry, I have to get this out of my system) So, I have this friend who is mentally unstable (I’m pretty sure he has Schizophrenia, but all I know is that he has Asberger’s and ADHD), and he told me over a text conversation that he won’t talk to anyone, that he doesn’t consider others as friends anymore, and he now thinks I am conspiring to hurt him. He said that he still loves me (yes, he said loves), but he won’t trust me anymore. Then my mother decided to email his parents telling them that I can’t have contact with him anymore (My friend and I are minors). To say the least, I am heartbroken. He is my closest friend, and I’ll never get to have fun with him anymore. Even though he has struggles, he still knows how to be a great friend (and the times when he is hurtful to me are rare). I have always worried about him so much and I never could get him out of my mind, but now I feel worse. I try to make myself feel better by thinking about our good times together, but then I get upset because I know that I won’t make any more memories with him. My mother said that she might make some check-ins with his parents to see if he’s getting better (and maybe then I could see him again), but will he get better? I feel terrible for him. Others at school treat him horribly to make him overreact (poke him, say mean things to him, etc.) and because he doesn’t want to cry in front of them, he cuts himself. I worry that he will kill himself because he says that nothing can make him happy anymore (and I used to be the one that “gave meaning to his life”). I wonder how he feels about me now. He said that he still loves me, but he thinks that I’m trying to hurt him! How horrible that must feel! I don’t know how to feel better. I pray every night for him to get better, for him to not get hurt, for him to not cut or kill himself, and for him to be happy, but I have lost hope in seeing him again. The only way that for me to be happy (as far as I know) is by my friend and I making up. What am I supposed to do?
I’m wondering about a few things. First, you said you think he has schizophrenia. What makes you say that?
Second, why did your mom forbid you from seeing him?
Third, did something such as an argument happen that made him not trust you anymore? Did he give you a chance to explain yourself?
Fourth, do you know if he’s getting both psychological (therapy) and psychiatric (medical) treatment for his conditions? It sounds like he needs it.
In terms of him getting better without you around, I can’t say about your specific situations, but I can say that it’s extremely difficult and rare to get better without any social support. Most likely, he’s worse off now that he doesn’t have you for support.
I think he has schizophrenia because he was saying that I was conspiring with another girl to hurt him (which I am not doing) and he thought that I was lying whenever I told him that I truly cared about him and wanted to be his friend. My mother has forbidden me from seeing him because he is a “threat” to my safety, which I understand but can’t think of a specific result of seeing him. I don’t know of an argument between us that caused him to not trust me, but I do know that he decided to put himself on “social lockdown” (what he calls it when he doesn’t trust anyone anymore) because of what a girl did to him. This girl is the same one he believed that I was conspiring with, and I’m not sure what exactly she did, but I know that she bothers and even bullies him. I know that he has a psychiatrist and has medications for his ADHD, and I think he has a psychologist (but I don’t remember that well).
Also, I saw him at a weekly meeting, which is the only time I see him up close now. We did not converse, but as I was leaving, he tapped me on the shoulder, and told me that this girl I previously mentioned had denied that we were conspiring against him. He might have said some other things, but I couldn’t process it because I was so shocked and anxious. I think that it meant that he trusts me now, based on how he was so shy and nervous when saying that. He had told me during our argument that getting her to deny would be the only way to convince him, but I secretly didn’t think that he would really be convinced. We haven’t talked since then, but whenever we look at each other at our meetings or in between classes, I am happy to see that he is alive and okay, but I feel so sad that I can’t talk to him anymore. I start shaking when that happens and I can’t take my mind off the incident (not that he’s ever out of my mind).
Thank you for your reply.
Hello, I just need to vent and get peoples input on my situation. I feel horrible, I have been with my girlfriend for 8 years and been with her through multiple manic episodes that have scared the hell out of me (about 6 in 8 years). The doctors don’t seem to be able to help her last year she was told by a doctor that she wasn’t bipolar and they took her off her medication, exactly 1 year later almost to the day (her birthday) she goes manic again, she was even saying she heard noises and saw eyes looking at her in the mirror.. I am scared to death. When she goes manic she turns on everyone that cares about her or wants to help her, she refuses to go to the hospital and it always comes to having to call coast or the police to get her to go. While she is in the hospital she constantly fights with her nurses and the doctors regarding treatment and for the first month or so they have to give her the medications through needles most of the time because she just refuses and fights with them to not take her pills, she is like 100 lbs and it can sometimes take 2-3 grown men / women nurses to restrain her. She calls me loving me then turns on me for nothing then hates me and hangs up, she flirts with everyone when she is like this, and this time after she had been in the assessment area she called me to tell me she has cheated on me.. I don’t now if it is true. When she went manic she basically kicked me out of our home, when I said I would not leave she threatened to call the police on me her parents seem to have almost given up on helping her her sister who she was closest with moved to austrailia and her brother will not even talk to her when she is ill. This time I got kicked out and I left to stay with family and she actually called the cops herself because she thought someone was trying to break into our house to steal her jewelry..i got a call at 2am from the hospital telling me they brought her in there only to discharge her two damn days later when she was still ill…then again the cops had to be called to her back there… then they keep me in the dark (nurses and doctors) and don’t tell me anything because legally they cannot without her consent and she does not agree to it.. then they decide she is well enough to have unaccompanied overnight visits, I work 12 hours on the weekend and show up at home and she is there it scared the hell out of me, it went well until it was time for her to take her meds they sent her home with, when I had to remind her she needed to take them it all fell apart yelling at me to f off then I spoke to her nurse and she turned on me even more yelling at her nurse over the phone calling her a stupid c and doesn’t know what she talking about and that they gave her the wrong meds, and hangs up on her, now the nurse is telling me its up to me to get her back down there again and if she is not willing I am supposed to call the cops on her again… she is running through the house packing up all her stuff throwing the jewellery I bought her over the years at me, screaming at me things like why don’t you just kill me, push me down these stairs and burn our house down you piece of s.. the the worst thing happens she goes into the kitchen im on the phone still with the ambulance, they are telling me to not let her out of my sight and to try to keep her there without restraining her physically so I am following her into the kitchen and she grabs a butcher knife from the knife block… holds it a minute then I think she realized what she was doing and calmly put it down but instantly went back to yelling and screaming at me.. this was by far the most horrifying episode I have ever had to go through with her, we own a house, car, dog together and I just cant take it anymore.. I get anxiety just talking to her now to a point where I have had to be put on medication myself, I cant sleep so I have been given ambien to help me sleep.. I am a wreck.. I have tried but she doesn’t seem to want to get better and I cant do this anymore, I love her because when she is well she is the sweetest, most intelligent hardworking woman I have ever met.. but she is her own worst enemy and I have tried to tell her and her doctors and her family she just wont listen, and because that last stupid doctor told her she wasn’t bipolar it has just reinforced her thinkin of she has nothing wrong with her. I recently told her it is over and she has been calling me non stop asking me to rethink everything and I have had to say no to her, she is refusing to agree to sell the house, now lawyers have to get involved which I did not want to do because that is more stress on us both that we could do without.. now she is playin headgames with me just before this episode I bought a box of condoms, unopened we never used any I came home after working all weekend to find she had come home when I was not here and opened it and took half of them out.. and has been posting pictures of her and another patient hanging out during there 1 hour passes off the ward… now she is calling me saying she wants to meet in person again to discuss what will happen with the house and I really don’t think its a good idea.. I am a wreck I am constantly scared that she will just show up a the house, I would leave but I don’t have the means to pay for the mortgage + rent a apt or room at a hotel.. all financial responsibility has fallen to me while she is ill and I don’t even have enough money for food after all the bills and mortgage is paid..i feel like god has abandoned me, I don’t know what to do I keep telling myself that yes its over and just forget it and move on even if it means having to loose everything and go bankrupt at least I will have my sanity.. but then I think of her and how she is when she is well and I just want to die.. why does this happen, why cant they cure this. She was recently let out of the hospital and I decided for my own health i needed to end it, i told her this and for the next 2 weeks she called me / texted me non stop begging for me to forgive her and take her back and that she cannot live without me, even threatened to kill herself if i did not come back, when she did this i called her doctor and he talked her through it and she never attempetd it, after the two weeks when she realized i was not coming back, she then turned on me, inviting me over to talk about how we were going to sell the house, only to call the cops on me and tell them i was scaring her and she was scared for her safety and needed them there now, i left the house immediately and waited for the cops to show up and told them what happened. Since then she has got worse again, she has stopped taking her meds again and she went to her job and got in an altercation with her boss and her boss called the cops on her she assaulted her boss and took off on her bike back home and the police have arrested her and brought her back to the hospital, since being back in the hospital she has called me numerous times demanding i bring her things to the hospital, i have had to block her calls the voice mails she was leaving me were getting more violent, We own a house together and she is refusing to put it up for sale i need her signature to do anything and now she is back in the hospital because she did not keep up on her meds and it could be months again before my lawyer can even serve her the papers for court / resolution. I want to just run away but by doing this i would ruin her credit and mine and would have no means to get an apartment without a cosigner which i dont have. Since she is now angry at me she has told me that she has cheated on me numerous times while I have been working 12 hour weekend shifts and even said she has cheated on me with one of my best friends but refuses to tell me which one. I am a mess, I have started on therapy for myself but I honestly don’t feel that it is doing me any good right now and I really hate the affects of the medication I am on right now for anxiety.. anyone have any suggestions on what I should do? If it goes to court it could be months before it even gets started and while she is in the hospital she is not even able to make these decisions for herself and she wont give power of attorney to her parents or any of her siblings as she is very paranoid and thinks everyone is out to screw her over.
I’m so sorry. I know how you feel. My husband is the same when he skips meds or is not on the right dose (they have to be adjusted every few years). I can only tell you this, if she’s calling and begging you to forgive her, then you have leverage. Make her take you with her to the doctor and sign the waiver to release info to you. Make sure her doctor knows what’s going on. They rarely complain about the mania, only the depression… maybe because they like the mania, maybe because they don’t really remember what all happens during the mania. Either way, the doctor is limited by the input he receives. I can’t say much else because I’m feeling pretty despondent about being married to a bipolar sufferor today. It’s really, really hard sometimes. Especially if they get so manic they threaten themselves and others or when they get completely delusional. If you decide to stay with her, you need to stay firm. I wish you the best of luck.
I can relate to so much you have put in this post. My ex was bipolar and almost everything in your post she had done to me also. I don’t know what to tell you man, in the end its how long you are willing to wait to get things resolved. For me I had to just walk away from everything, if I did not it was going to cause me to go crazy, I lost everything but my sanity, just remember objects are replaceable your sanity is not, if you find that you are on the edge of loosing it yourself its best to just walk away and start over you can always rebuild your things but never your mind. Good luck to you, I wouldn’t wish what you are going through on my worst enemy, best of luck and try to keep strong.
I felt I must enter a comment here in this case.. I normally dont make the time to do this type of thing. I as a polciy take my medications go to my doctor once a month or so and dont focus my life end all on this. That is what works for me. I am bi polar and about 14 years ago I had my only (serious) episode. This was the one and only time I saw myself in a hospital and g-d willing, luck and effort never again! I graduated college with honors despite this from a decent university. I am very annoyed that all I see on these posts are people who do not take care of themselves as well as people who are ” healthy ” who are not addressing the fact that even without a chemical imbalance (that is often very treatable) they themselves have if they don’t know it or not baggage. Everyone has baggage and it impacts our interactions with people obviously. This brings me to my point.
IN 2005-2006 ish I met a woman who for all intense and purposes seemed perfect for me. I was jewish she was jewish.. our families knew each other but it wasn’t a fix up( met online some how and realized it after).. I had bipolar disorder she was going to for her phd in psych . We dated for a total of 9 months… it was my first in real relationship and it was hers as well. She in retrospect was awful to me…. I PUT UP WITH IT BECAUSE I thought she was the sane one!
She was going through hard times her father died in a private plane crash that she had a checkered past with as well as her half brother and her step mother who was awful to her died as well. In as sad twist of fate my cousins owned the plane. She was terrible to me. As I sat home tonight with my wonderful wife in my beautiful house and my fantastic twins boy and girl .IVF YAY.. I happened to google her and she is now a well known psychologist. It does make me happy that I am more known in my field but still this small strange post opened up old memories . In a way I must be looking for the closure I never got. It was a short relathionsihp but she dug herself into me which hurt for some time after. It did almost cause me to have an episode I think but I had good treatment. I will now list some of the things she did (THIS IS THE WELL KNOWN PYSCH PHD Harvard, Brown, Boston Unviersity etc) she was the ” healthy one”
1. Treated me like something was wrong with me
2. Acted superior
3. Was controlling ( after we broke up I got a call she wanted to hang out for example … I was excited because i felt horrible about the way she broke up with me. I am a people pleaser when it comes to people I care about so I got 3/4 the way to boston from ri and she called me basically said no thanks.
4. Pushed my buttons making me feel insecure
5. Tried convincing me and questioning me if I was straight ( she had lesbian relationships when she was younger) I sorta thought that was hot when I was young back then…. lol
6. She questioned my treatment program
7. She wasn’t good for me and maybe I wasn’t good for her but she was 100% the person dragging me down. It comes to a perfect example in the way she broke up with me.
Bottom line is she was mostly good for me as an experience in first relationships if you take out all the garbage (which you cant) but she truly amplified potential damage by ending a 9 month relationship where I had driven for 4 months back and forth to Boston when she always demanded i go to her never to me over the phone when she knew I was in public was wrong, She said she was afraid of me 9 ( she meant multiple ways) Lets just ignoring this brilliant phd tricking herself into forgetting about a coffee shop if she truely was affraid or treating me like I wouldn’t think of it. … I have not been in a physical fight since I was a child. she knew this yet this is what she did.. Though the relationship broke me out of my shell her trying to medal with me mentally ( the act/attempt alone) set me back. If I wasn’t such a child back then I would popped her bubble she lived in thinking she was so very smart. I was with my parents at a boat show standing on a small yacht just dreaming of buying a boat some day. She was cruel no chemical imbalances etc… burned me cruelly for no reason in an immature way and she was cruel. No matter how much money I make or happy I am with the best wife in the world ( she could not hold a candle fyi.) and the most perfect kids. I can never get out of my head the memory of being dumped so cruelly and in such a abnormal way.. this is exactly why only my dearest friends know I have any condition. People us it as an excuse to project/deflect their issues. when they know you have a mental illness. One of the vulnerable things for myself is letting someone know my history and the pain. To get ahead as you move up one sadly has to hide deeper and deeper a condition like this. I often fear what this woman knowing my condition and her view point of herself as well as knowing all the same people I do may say or someday say in passing.
Also FYI I told my wife by the 3 rd date she never treated me poorly or used it as a weapon…she is a talented artiest who went to one of the top art schools in the world. Funny how a top art student can be better for your mental health then the most sane and smart of the mental health professionals. Plus I know what real love is now…..
no tips at the moment take what you want from this post.
thank you for reading my vent. :) sorry for grammar and spelling I really don’t feel like checking.
I know what it’s like, I’m only 16 and I’ve been in a relationship with this guy for almost two years. I’ve noticed that over the months his anger has only gotten worse. He would lock me in his room and wouldn’t allow me to leave, he would threaten to scream if I tried. He would chase me all the way home as bystanders stair at this crazy guy yelling and cussing at his gf. He even grabs me and drags me back if he can. It’s terrible the only way to help both him and me is to end it and I’m really scared. I just had to write it, it is not easy being with someone wit a mental condition, I saw it with my mother and father, she’s schizophrenic, and after so many years of being with her my dad lost it now he’s got depression hella bad :,(. I don’t wanna be like that, you can’t help someone who refuses to take it. Now I know what I gotta do.
I compare a mental illness to diabetes. If my wife came down with type 1 (insulin dependent) diabetes, (I do all the cooking in the house) I’d have to cook special things for her, I’d have to give her her shots and likely have to do her finger sticks. And over time, I’d likely have to change the way I eat too. It would be a pain the butt. And If I left her for that, most people, (including you) would think that’s pretty messed up and mean) Well, it’s not my wife’s fault that she’s schizophrenic anymore than it would be if she came down with type 1 diabetes. So why would I leave her because she’s mentally ill?
My wife is schizophrenic. Diagnosed a year after I married her. Since September of 2013, she has been in and out of jail for domestic violence toward me, (btw, she’s off her meds). She is delusional thinking I raped her, (we’be been together for 8 years, If i was a rapist, she’d know it by now) Now I’m no stranger to mental illness, I’ve worked in the field as a mental health tech at a mental ward for about 3 years. I KNOW crazy. But you see, this is my WIFE. I took a vow in front of her, our families, and God to love, honor her, in SICKNESS and in health for BETTER or WORSE. To me, this is one of the worse things. She’s currently incarcerated for trying to stab me with a knife in our home, am I gonna leave her? NO. While I’ll admit that my relationship with her is the most challenging and difficult relationship that I’ve ever had with a woman (romantic or otherwise). I will try everything in my power to save my marriage before I ever give up on it. The cops put her in jail. She’s been there since December 17th. It’s March 19th now. The jail is not giving her her medications! Nothing! As a result, she’s VERY delusional, (Thinks I’m dead and that her father and step mother who’s been dead about a year came in and raped her) AND she’s so screwed up that she is unable to understand her plea deal. (which is VERY good.) And normally whens he’s “well”, she knows enough about law to make a lawyer think she went to law school. Jail is no solution (here in Utah anyway) for the mentally ill. You see, when we (who aren’t mentally Ill take action, we make the DECISION to do so. When someone has schizophrenia or bi-polar disorder, that part of their brain that we use to make decisions is not working properly. You might as well tell a person with a broken leg to just walk. It’s not gonna happen. I made a commitment to my wife that I would be with her until I die or she doesn’t want me anymore. And I’m a man of my word. I will NEVER give up on my wife.
Karl, I take my hat off for you! My daughter has the illness and is totally under control with meds and love from us, her family. Unfortunately her last boyfriend once he found out about her illness (she told him) dropped her like a hot potato! hurting her so bad that makes me cry! People are so ignorant about this illness that don’t want to take the time to love and care. My husband died after a 5 year battle with cancer, but it was FINE for everybody… it’s a “popular” illness but any mental illness is a stigma that most of people don’t want to care. I’m sorry about your wife that is in such a bad situation. I get my so upset to see how the “authorities” really don’t care about her meds. I’m sure she knows how much you love her and that is her light and hope to keep going. God bless you both! You are a great man! a real one!
I divorced my husband years ago. This article brings me comfort. I am still blamed for everything. He takes no responsibility. He has a girlfriend that believes his every accusation. But it just doesn’t matter any more. He may or may not be on medication ( he has been hospitalized). The man I married is gone. And I am happy and blessed. My kids are doing well and are happy and blessed. There is less and less for him to punish and reward me over. Very nice. I have more than one bipolar friend that gives me insight. I am not afraid but empowered. If a person seeks help, it is a game changer. I used to be afraid that I threw it all away, if he got help, but it just doesn’t matter. Maybe he has maybe he hasn’t. I am just recently at peace. Life is good. Here’s to letting go….
“be abused by an individual for years at a time. Have him hit you. Have him steal from you. Have him vandalize your home. Have him refuse treatment. Have him call the cops on you. Have him get addicted to drugs. Have him rage at you when they see you. Have him endanger your children.”
I have bipolar II. I never did any of this to anyone, ever. This description is a parody of what bipolar disorder is like. You are describing a criminal and abuser, not a sick individual. By the way, my wife left anyway, 12 years ago, without any prior notice. I woke up one Saturday morning and she was gone It led to a serious suicide attempt followed by ECT that seriously and permanently compromised my memory. I wish the suicide attempt had been successful. I will never get better and the mental health system could not care less about me. Male age 62. Wonder why men in my age group have the highest suicide rate ? Because no one gives a darn. And to the previous poster, the “jolt” my wife gave me did not help, especially when her divorce attorney told me on the phone to kill myself.
I’m sorry for your experience, but that does not negate the reality of others who ARE experiencing this sort of behavior with their bipolar loved ones. No, not every person with bipolar disorder does these things, but it’s not terribly uncommon with certain forms of it either. The title of the article was “When to Leave Someone with Mental Illness”. It doesn’t say “Leave Anyone With Mental Illness Because This is What They Do”. From just an outsider’s point of view, it appears you are still depressed,. Your wife may not have been equipped to deal with that. It’s very, very hard to watch someone you love suffer depression and not have any way of helping. In my humble opinion, you need to try very hard to get out more and meet more people. People don’t care (or not) about you because you’re a 62 y/o white male, They care about people they have common interests with, who are fun or interesting to be around. They care about people that care about others. I know it’s hard to do these things when you’re depressed, but every person on this earth has battles to fight, and everyone loves an over-comer. I’m wishing you the best.
Where does is say I am “white”? Quite an assumption. Also, if I had been suffering from terminal pancreatic cancer (which my ex-wife would have had to watch with no way of helping), would it have been OK for her to leave ? I don”t think anyone would defend that, but mental illness is different. Its OK to just walk out. No stigma to the deserter, and to hell with the sick person.
Mental illness is different from terminal pancreatic cancer or diabetes or just about anything else because it affects how the person with it behaves towards others. The behaviour may be good, maybe okay or it can be intolerable partly because of any one or mix of a number of things: It depends on the nature of the illness and its severity (e.g. the nature of any psychosis that might occur); the symptoms (which are individual – not everyone reacts the same way with, for example, the extent excessive spending); how others react to the individual (appropriately or inappropriately, provocatively or sympathetically), etc.. A mild example: When I have been euphoric hypomanic and *especially dysphoric hypomanic I become *very* quick tempered and, at time, quite threatening. I do my best to control this but I cannot do this when the ‘read mist’ falls for the first few moments of the rage. I would not expect anyone to put up with that over a period of time, or even any time if the rage became violent. But I am not a naturally violent person – I avoid disputes because they upset me! I am generally known as a pacifist and would never normally cause anyone physical harm. However, there was one day – just the one, thankfully – when I was in a terrible dysphoric hypomania – no, probably full mania, when I went out looking for trouble. I was so full of pent up rage I went out to find someone to kill, and I mean literally, not euphemistically. I ‘reasoned’ it would be appropriate to kill someone who was bad, someone who didn’t care about others. With great fortune, I didn’t find anyone that fitted the bill on the day, and this mood had gone by the next morning. However, if I had met anyone who I had felt was bad, they’d have died that day. Now, my Bipolar is effectively controlled (and that was a rare, once-only experience anyway) but were that not the case, it would be unreasonable to expect anyone to have to put up with my uncharacteristic tempers that only occur when my Bipolar is very active.
So, if someone with a mental illness becomes a danger to the person, or people, they live with, their carer has every right to leave them, and they would be silly not to do just that!
The refusal of one with a mental illness intolerable for a partner. Example: Real life although it wasn’t a mental illness of the kind we are referring to to – it was, in fact, due to Pick’s Diseas: My bro’s spending got totally out of control – he maxed out all the credit cards he could get hold of including all the joint bank and card accounts he shared with his wife. He effectively put *both* of them in debt because of his secret spending on the joint accounts. He did this in the delusional belief that he had become a millionaire, that the money was about to arrive and he would be able to pay off the debts with it. Of course, there never was such a fortune coming to him but he would not accept that, and so he kept on spending. When she hid all the cards to stop him spending she became so angry he nearly throttled her and she called the cops. She had them throw him out of the house because she had to – she had no other option. He might have killed her. He was only let back in when he agreed to be diagnosed and, subsequently, treated. If he had not agreed she would have had no option but to exclude him.
There is another instance where it would be reasonable to leave someone with a mental illness: When the carer is vulnerable to mental illness themselves. The symptomatic behaviour of the with the overt mental illness could trigger a worsening of the other’s latent (or not so latent) mental disorder and thereby make them more ill than they had been. Someone like that needs to get away from the other in order to protect themselves! Similarly, someone who lives, long-term, with another who has a severe mental illness can eventually be affected such that they begin to take on the symptoms of the other’s illness. Not healthy. Get out of there!
You sound like a person of excellent character and common sense.
Bipolar runs in my family. The effects have varied from person to person depending on character, personality, intelligence level, faith and treatment response. My paternal grandmother was mostly depressive and I simply remember her as a glowering, complaint presence. My father was a good man, very moral and intelligent, but mania caused his morality to slip and his temper to be dangerous to the point of wanting to kill us and others. He did kill 11 dogs with an axe. My brother is bipolar. He was highly intelligent in his youth, but I am afraid that dementia and prolonged depressions have stolen much of his intelligence and also, his common sense. He is only minimally responsive to even the strongest medications. His character is somewhat different than my father’s as his conscience is not as finely tuned. I asked him to come stay with me during one of his lengthy depressions and have regretted it since. I had to leave my own home because of his hypo manic behavior made life impossible. I was getting health problems and he was not only destroying and losing an incredible amount of my property, he was raging at me at unexpected moments. I know that genetically, I may be vulnerable to this illness, so I left to save myself and my finances. I sold my home recently and he is very angry at me. I just felt I had no other recourse. His living conditions are not as good now, but I could not simply sit here and wait for the house and my children’s future inheritance to be utterly destroyed.
Thank you for the compliments.
Your case is just the kind of example to which I referred in my earlier post – it’s not that you wanted to break away, but the circumstances forced your hand, to protect yourself and others. It must have been a very difficult decision bur something of a relief once you’d made it.
I would not worry too much about the inherited risk – if you’ve not developed it by now, I imagine you’re probably in the clear. But you are also evidently very aware of the symptoms and should probably notice early changes in yourself such that you will be able to get treatment early. That may limit the disorder’s progression.
Good luck! :)
You’re right about the “white” assumption, of course, but they do have the highest suicide rate. As for the rest, nobody is saying it’s OK to leave your bipolar spouse just because they’re bipolar and you can’t fix them. You seem to be completely ignoring the fact that not only is Natasha bipolar, but nearly every person commenting on this blog is either bipolar, or is in a relationship with someone that is bipolar – so clearly we’re not cutting and running at the first opportunity and we’re on here to get insight into our bipolar loved ones. My point was just reiterating something Natasha said in one of her responses. She points out that if that person cannot deal with your bipolar disorder, then her leaving actually gives you the opportunity to find someone who is a better match for you. Staying with the wrong person absolutely guarantees you will never find the right person. I say wish her good riddance and get out there and meet new people. There are many loving, kind compassionate people in the world with whom you might find happiness, but you’ll never know if you continue to be bitter and angry about the one who left.
Dear jenny get out now girl dont waste ur life hunny x. If u wanna talk ill gladly give u my email address x keep ur chinup and all u others x
I had a date in 05 ..very nice date to be exact ..the man asked to see me again I agreed ..few days later hes on my door step with all his worldy goods ..his parents said him had asked him to go ..so I took him eventually got him a place of his own but he just wouldnt go there.. said its haunted …wasnt the flat that was haunted …slowly he went from bad to worse emotional abuse physical too.. he hurt my pup my cat too I was scared I asked my parents to take my daughter quick ..one night he woke me up slashing the bedding with a carving knife arc angel michael had told him I had to die …somehow I managed to get him to come to bed but u bet I didnt sleep ..in all this fighting advanced cancer he lied to me stole my car broke windows beat up the postman..got admitted to a secure unit..3 hours later in a uniform hes back on my door step angry as hell..I gave him 2 grand to have a holiday and moved while he was away..he found me ..and I paid for it again and again..we are now in 2014 and im free from him still kicking cancers ass but im free …in 2010 we needed milk so he sent me ..I got on a train to london victoria and found the 1st coach that would take me any where away from him..I now live in belfast with my cat ..the pup I gave away to good home ..and thru it all I felt bad for lieing to him saying ill gladly go for milk..I walked away with nothingexcept clothes and a purse …my good neighbour got the pets out once he had gone out ..and Ii SURVIVED HELL AND FOUGHT BACK..I NEVER will forget what he did but I will thank him for a valuble lesson..I dont need his shit I know for a fact the mental health team thought he was on a game to get more benefits ..well it worked ..I pity joanne whos got him now ..I loved him once but I love me more..ladies gents there is no excuse for domestic abuse …mad bad or plain ol angry ..GET OUT OF THERE ..
I’m sick to death of my husband. He claims to put me first but it’s all manipulation to get his own way. I wanted a child but instead of giving birth to one I got this adult child who wants what he wants when he wants it. I am angry at myself for being sucked in by his charms. I think he has personality disorder as well because he lies and believes them. We have no friends left. I have one. He has driven the others away. He denies the impact of his condition on us and goes all soppy and pathetic so we can’t discuss it. We couldn’t work through the infertility together because he never got past anger so I gave up. He never deals with anything. I do all the thinking and everything else. I’ve had it. I’ve given an ultimatum to stick with the latest psyches from now till the end of the year and at least try what they suggest. If he doesn’t and just lies to everyone again I’ll spell it out and get out.
I have recently broken up with my Bipolar boyfriend after an exhausting two year relationship , my boyfriend went through a violent psychotic episode and was hospitalised twice. He has since been in a deep depression . I hoped that his medication would help him , however he also take drugs which he refuses to stop. He sleeps all day and feels no joy for anything. I have supported him every step of the way over the past two years both emotionally and financially. I studied all I could about Bipolar and told him that I would be there every step of the way, however last week I found that he had been cheating on me , he literally broke my heart. I had read a lot of about hyper sexuality and let him know that we could talk about this if he were ever to feel that way. I had to leave him as I was emotionally exhausted and couldn’t trust him. Looking back I think my support was stopping him face his illness and tackling his issues head on. I left him and told him that I would always be there for him emotionally , but not as a girlfriend. I had to as I was in danger of becoming very ill myself….
Hi Holly, I hope that you are well.
I have read a lot of stories on here and yours most resembles mine at present. A couple of days ago I made the decision to leave my boyfriend of a year because he’s had several episodes recently and they are happening because he’s drinking/smoking marijuana. He is taking his medication but he has been told by his docs/parents/me that drinking and smoking are a bad idea for him and he’s proven time and time again that it’s true but keeps trying again. Of course each time he says he’s learned his lesson but I can’t believe him anymore. I’m so tired of being sad and confused and unable to get work done or enjoy life like I used to. I am not sure if we’ll ever be able to trust each other again because he’s lied to me and when he’s paranoid he’s convinced that I’m lying to him (although I have NEVER lied to him). He has also cheated on me- He says that he got a ‘massage’ and was ashamed and apologetic to admit it, but I didn’t want to know the details.
I also have wondered if my unconditional support is doing him any favors. Now he’s hospitalized again and starting to feel better and is apologizing and says he wants to see me/talk to me. I know that i need to stick by my guns and stay broken up with him right now and he knows that we are just friends but I also know that once he’s better he may want to be with me again I will be tempted to go back to him because just like a lot of other people with bipolar disorder, he is a saint and a dream come true when he’s under control.
So my question is- How have you fared? Have you been able to set boundaries and have a relationship with him as a friend without it taking a toll on your own emotional health? Or maybe you got back together? I am also interested to hear how is he doing with owning his own issues and taking care of them? Did breaking up with him make any major change in him?
Thanks for sharing your story and for any advice you can give.
ANGELA : I have a 28 year old daughter that is bipolar also. My son kept trying to get my attention on this and over the year it blew to it’s fullest and I snapped at her so bad. She had me literally screaming at the top of my lungs and seriously I never do that. I’m usually very calm. but this time she did it. I screamed some terrible things at her. I was beside myself. She has two beautiful children, the male is slower than the female and he’s older by 4 years. Since the little girls birth she pushed him to the side and he’s nothing more than a future potential slave for her uses later. She openly says she has no remorse or feelings for others. I suggested she seek counseling. She dated several immigrants, she was urged by her friends to do so. How to use these guys. When I told her I caught one of her men with a strap around her daughters neck she shrugged it off. Another time I walked in and it appeared the four yr old female was leaning at his crotch area and when I walked in the room, he pulled his covers up fast and the child sprung up. I told her of this. After that she dumped him and married some guy she just met. And he’s just as bad. I had to even let go of her. After I yelled at her she called the police on me and the police sided with her. told me I had 10 mins to get what I needed out of there. I said hey
I been renting her a year now, she refuses to give me receipts and I’ve accumulated a lot of items. They allowed me 3 hours to retrieve my belongings the next day. I spent the night by one of her friends, roach city. She thought I was going to grovel back to her controlling manipulative ways. I showed up with a u haul and a car trailer and I packed and left. Sometimes we have to let go, move on with our lives. And yes it’s hard. Some of use get stronger thru doing this. I had let to so many times with my immediate family and found sanity away from them. Hang in there all of you. Those of you that say anything negative to me. I might not answer you or tell you like it is. I give all of you credit that you are letting go of areas that have darkened your paths. Enough is enough. LOVE
I am glad you walked out of that. I also am and have tried walking several times and always find myself back in this sick mess. I had a father with chemical disorders that refused to take his meds, plus he was a chronic alcoholic and a mammas boy. My mother tried leaving him. I have 4 brothers that were also effected by my father and his adopted parents. To bring this up to date. My one brother is a paranoid schitzo my mother is a narcissist, my other brother is the golden child “they moved out on my two brothers and they’re both disabled by what she did” however, as much as I don’t get along with her, I know she had to leave my one brother for her own sanity. We all knew he was born slightly retarded. He was a major problem always. Now he’s older and nastier. You think after he had a quad heart attack he’s chill. He also made a hoirrible mental impact with my kids and other children. I call this particular brother the strongman of the family. Always crying he’s the victim, boo hoo poor him. Then after he starts all the chaos he sits back smirking and satisfied with the damage he created. His dr. is no help. This man supplies him with massive supplies of meds example. norkels, Xanax, morphine, codeine, vicodins and whatever he wants. It’s a no win situation. I moved so many times away and end up back in this trap. I thought I was finally out of here moving to another state with my daughter, but that was a disaster. He brainwashed her to believing negative lies about me as well as the rest of the sick family. I want to thank the person that started this post. This has given me another chance of initiative to get out of this mess. THey steal freom you, destroy all your friendships. lie about you. Try to upset you and threaten to do things to you and sometimes they go through with what they say they’ll do with absolutely no conscience whatsoever. But .. boy, they sure know how to shut their damn mouths when they’re in trouble. I use to work in special ed for credits, after working with these people, I am sorry, the majority of them are selfish bastards and yes most of them know better. Not all but most. Some were victims to the sickness while others learned how to milk what they can out of others and run you down to the ground. Again thank you for this post. It lifted me more than you’ll ever know. FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Natasha,
Thank you for your words. My mother is a paranoid schizophrenic. Growing up she was my best friend, and we were inseperable. When I turned 15 she started to have problems holding a job. She was always so smart, she worked in the medical field and doctors loved having her work for them. Then she became the person who was harrassing them. Our family doctor refused to treat our family anymore becuase of her illness. Here we are 10 years later and still struggling. My mother divorced my father when I was 17 after 30 years of marriage, she emptied his retirement, took our home, and controlled our lives. She was on the verge of losing the house and asked my dad to take her back, they were then “common law” married, my father truly loved my mother and would do anything to help her, to this day he still gives her money, buys her groceries, has put her up in motels. I have had more mental health warrants issued than I can count. She goes to the state hospital for 2-3 months and they release her to avoid another court hearing. She stops medication the minute she gets out and we start all over. I am now 26 years old and have put off having children, I have put this off because I am afraid my children may end up with the mental illness, or worse they will have to endure what I have endured. I wouldn’t wish my life on anyone let alone do I want to bring a child into the world who has to go through with this. After 10 years the doctors have told us that there is pretty much no hope for my mother, the state laws and government have made it to the point we can not fix her mental illness, and she has gone on so long that demage is permenant, she will never be able to function in society. She was evicted from another apartment a week ago, after accusing the manager of spraying poison while she was at the store and pushing her out of the door. As a final attempt, my father helped me purchase an RV for her to live in. My theory was maybe with the RV being owned she wouldn’t be as paranoid. Wrong here is is 1 week later and she is harrassing me daily, I am now 8 months pregnant and can’t deal with the stress. My final straw is to walk away. I have done everything in my power to help this person who stole my mother. As far as I am concerned my mother died along time ago. As far as the negative comments go, you are right, there is only so much a person can handle. I am physically, and emotionally drained and can’t handle my mother being mentally ill, nor do I need anyone to tell me that I should be able to handle more.
You’re right. You’ve done everything you can and the only person that can fix your mother is your mother – and she can’t see that. Nobody knows what all you’ve been through but perhaps your father. Even he never had to experience what you did as a teen and young adult. I’m sorry for your struggles and have a great deal of admiration for you that you’ve been as loving and caring as you’ve been. Don’t ever let anyone else make you doubt your own strength and compassion. Wishing you the very best.
Reading these posts has been so helpful. I found myself in a similar situation as I just ended my relationship with my boyfriend of 2+ years yesterday. We had plans to get married and start a family, and I feel like I am mourning the loss of my best friend.
A week ago my boyfriend called me upset saying he wanted to end his life because he his boss was firing him. I spent hours on the phone trying to convince him everything was okay, and that life was worth living. I was so scared for his safety that I contacted my own therapist and a suicide hotline for help. An hour or so later, he told me he wasn’t really going to lose his job, that it was negative some feedback that they had given him. He said he wasn’t quite sure why he ‘gets like that.’ I felt angry that he had overreacted, but let it go.
Over the next few days I would call to make sure he was alright (we had been long distance for a while). After one of these check-ins he texted me to say he needed some space for a few days and would be in contact. I said that sounded like a good idea, since he was doing better and I was exhausted from the stress of what happened a few days before. He then began to accuse me of being a ‘secret agent’ and asked if my assignment on him was over. He insisted I knew what he was talking about and that I should just be honest about it. Nothing I said would convince him otherwise. His delusions about people being after him had come up many times in the past couple years, depending on his stress levels. Never violent, but paranoid, insistent and kind of scary. When we first met he was on antipsychotic meds but then he stopped taking them. He now refuses to get any treatment. Clear as day, he says its not a good time for him to get help, he’s fine etc, while in the next sentence talking about how people are trying to get his information and are after him.
I was so overwhelmed with dealing with all this that the cold I had some weeks ago came back as full-on flu. I normally take care of myself, eat healthy and exercise, but the flu kept me bedridden for several days. During this time I asked him to consider getting treatment, or I would not feel comfortable moving forward with the relationship. Over the years I found myself in different places with his illness – at first confusion, then I thought it was something that would just go away with time and him being less stressed, then the final realization that there isn’t much I can do if he doesn’t want to get help. His family doesn’t really believe in mental illness and has seemed really uncomfortable when I tried to get their assistance. Probably not a good indication of what married life would be like would them..
Right now I feel so mixed up, not 100% sure if I did the right thing, but then a little relieved. I just want to have a happy life!! Part of me still wants to see and talk to him but I know it’s not really good for me. Any suggestions or similar stories anyone?
Any one ever heard of a disorder where you think people are stealing from you as you get older? My grandma did this, my mom is doing it, and know I’m doing it. It really is hellish. Once you believe someone has stolen from you, you hide things, then you forget where you put it, then you’ll think it was where it used to be. Then you think the person that came to visit you took it. Or your housesitter. Or someone who came in to do repairs. It is mental torment because it can cause you to lose friends.
Hi. I believe my mother may have had this disorder. When we were kids she used to claim that someone was stealing pills from her supply of birth control. One of us would end up confessing to it and being punished, but years later as us kids talked it over, and it seems like none of us took anything. And it wasn’t just pills either; bubble gum, iodine, really random shit she would just say had gone missing.
I have been reading everything I can find to get some kind of help for myself. I have a 30 year old sone that is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic. It has been a hellish 12 years with him being on medication and then stopping. Endless jobs, losing everything he has. He always blames someone else though for everything he has gone through. He has become violent and times and scares myself and my daughter. He has been homeless. He just recently was approved for Social Security Disability, but I don’t know that I can take care of him if he is refusing to take his medication. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m afraid he will end up dead or hurt if I just let him go, but he could even if I don’t. At this point I’m sacrificing my health for his.
I’m sorry you’ve had such a rough go of it. There is little to say except I wanted to point out that of course your son blames others. That is nearly the definition of paranoid. They believe someone/everyone is out to get them. He’s not just excusing himself, he truly believes it. Nonetheless, you have to set firm boundaries which includes him taking his meds. If he won’t, and the stress of taking care of him is harming your health, then you must let him hit bottom. I’m sorry. I understand how hard it is.
I have one word: NAMI…which stands for National Association of Mental Illness. They have support groups and training for families who are dealing with the same things that you’re dealing with. My husband is bipolar. They lump bipolar and schitzophrenia together in the classes. It’s like a big support group, and they provide lots of resources.
I have been watching my 17 year old bi-polar Daughter’s Facebook page because I just can’t seem to let her go. In November she ran away and has told me my husband and I are dead to her. It has been killing me to read the posts about her being depressed and things leading to her hurting herself. I don’t know where she is and all i can do is watch from afar. I am scared to death that she will do something to hurt herself permanently as her father did. My mother died when I was 18 and my father just recently passed a couple years ago and I don’t have anyone to talk to to help relieve my anxienty. I’ve been in therapy to cope but it I feel the need to spend my life on the couch just to make it through the week between appointments. I have always been a strong person but this has almost pushed me over the edge.
Amy, I know how hard it is. When my son became homeless on the streets of Dallas, Tx i thought I would go crazy worrying. I wish they could change the mental health laws to help people that need help.
Thanks for the article. Almost three weeks ago, my husband threw me out of the house and wouldn’t let me back in. He has fixed delusions about me, accompanied by auditory hallucinations, and I’d say, pretty severe paranoia. He believes I am having affairs with strange men and also his best friend. His doctor told him it was depression with psychotic episodes and put him on Risperdal but he stopped taking it a few weeks ago; said it wasn’t working, but he was only taking the lowest dose. He’s tried several other meds, but he only stays on them about two weeks because they don’t help. He hears my voice telling him I am going to kill him but he believes there is nothing wrong with him. He makes recordings and hears whispers on them. It has been coming and going for him, over the last nine months, but I believe this time is the worst. Funny thing is, he’s pretty normal around everyone else, and knows that everything that comes out of his mouth sounds ridiculous but he believes what he hears on the recordings. He refuses to go to a medical doctor or take any tests so I don’t know what it could be. Drugs, Delusional Disorder…? He truly believes I have been torturing him and is afraid for me to be around him and his son. I have tried everything I know to do to help him, but you can’t help someone that doesn’t believe they need help. I am so sad and heartbroken. We were soul mates and now I am the enemy. I have to stay away for the both of us. Maybe he has to completely hit bottom to realize something is wrong.
I’m so very sorry. Your husband is definitely experiencing extreme paranoia and psychotic tendencies. If he’s bipolar or schizophrenic (which it sounds like) and doing drugs or even alcohol he is compounding the problem exponentially. Furthermore, if he’s only staying on the meds for two weeks, he’s not able to judge whether they work or not because it takes at least that long for them to get into his system at a therapeutic level. Risperdal is not bad, but it sounds like he really needs a mood stabilizer as well. Again, none of these will work if he’s doing drugs. It does take them hitting rock bottom. I am concerned for his son as well though. Does he have primary custody? People that are bipolar or schizophrenic tend to “target” the people closest to them. I actually hate using that phrase because it implies it’s intentional, and it’s not. I’m just trying to convey that it makes sense that his delusions were all about you when you were around, but without you it may become his child. As you say, there is a part of them that knows their mind is confused and it sounds crazy, but they can’t get past the constant voices in their head. My husband is bipolar and when he was on the wrong meds he became very delusional and paranoid like you’re describing (he cannot take anti-depressants!). Without any meds he was just a little paranoid and had extreme mood swings. With the right meds (just lithium at this time) he does pretty well – an occasional irrational mood that lasts a few days, but not the extremes that you’re experiencing. I hope you will have an opportunity to encourage him to get the right meds and y’all can work things out. However, if he doesn’t get help, then you have no choice but to leave. He sounds like he’s in a fairly dangerous place right now. Wishing you the best of luck.
Yes, He is very paranoid. He doesn’t drink much, smokes pot on occasion and as far as I know, and what he’s telling me, he’s not doing anything else. Years ago he confessed to using meth for a few years, and acid. Maybe that amplified an underlying condition. It’s been really scary to watch him go downhill.
His first episode was is 2009 and it was much like this but seemed to go away after only a few months. But, his personality changed. He became moody, irritable and his anxiety increased. The last five years I have been walking on eggshells, never doing anything right.
I told him that a lot of the meds take more than 2 weeks, some even a month or more, but he didn’t like the side effects of them. Latuda made him very apathetic and lethargic. He said he wasn’t doing that again. He was only taking the minimum dose of Risperdal. If he took a second dose, it knocked him out. So, now he’s not on anything because the low dose didn’t stop the voices. I don’t think he’s ever been on a mood stabilizer. His pdoc told him that if he took an anti-depressant, it could cause psychotic episodes. Personally, I think he needs to be in the hospital where they can watch and control his meds. But there is nothing wrong with him.
He has joint custody of his son so we have him half of the time. We went thru an awful custody battle just to get 50% joint/legal; forensic eval and all. He loves his son. My husband was adopted, so his son is his only blood relative that he knows of and there isn’t anything he wouldn’t do for him. I don’t think he would include him in the delusions but you never know. There is no relationship between me and his mother and I am afraid that if I say something to her, she will jump at the chance to take him away. I don’t want to start that fight and am saving it as a very last resort. I’ve tried to keep the lines of communication open with the son, but he is having none of it. He’s 13 and on his dad’s side. My husband told me that he told his son, and his son’s mother that I have been having an affair.
I am so sorry to hear about your husband but glad to know that he has it under control most of the time. How did you convince him that the delusions weren’t real? That’s my problem. He called me last night to ask if I was ok because he heard his best friend screaming that he wanted to kill him and me. That has to be so terrifying for him and makes it so hard to stay away. I know he’s sick but this is making me just as sick.
I have been away from the house for almost four weeks now and am looking for a temp place. I gave him some ground rules and told him that I would love and support him if he chooses to get help. If he chooses not to get help, then I will not return. I guess he will have to hit bottom.
I never can convince my husband that his delusions weren’t real. Even though he’s now medicated and stable, he still believes the “ghosts” he spoke to are real. In my case, I had to kick my husband out of the house. This actually happened twice in the 20 years since the onset of bipolar. The first time was right after diagnosis. He didn’t like the meds either because, frankly, he liked the mania. He was gone about 10 months before he agreed to go to the doctor and stick with a treatment plan. Then, just a few years ago he got off all his meds again – probably because they’d lost their efficacy over time. The moodiness and paranoia got too much for me and I kicked him out again. This time it was for about 9 months. He was living in his truck. It was awful because we have two kids and, of course, they worried about their father. I just kept saying (and the kids reinforced it) “you know you have to take your meds if you want to live here”. I let him know I love him, but can’t live with him when he’s not medicated (accusations, suspicious attitude, unreasonable anger). He once accused me of having a fling with a really unattractive gay guy. (If you’re going to falsely accuse me of cheating, could it at least be with someone hot…. and straight?!?!?) Anyway, my personal opinion, which you should take with a grain of salt, is that you should remain steadfast. Let him know you love him, you will always love him, would never cheat on him, but as long as he’s not getting treatment it’s best to stay apart. You have to be a broken record. He has to come to a realization on his own. I agree you shouldn’t bring his ex into it if you believe his son is safe with him. You can’t save him, he has to save himself. Be kind and supportive, but also be firm about his need for med compliance. You’re right. He probably should be hospitalized, but with his paranoia he probably won’t do that, so your best bet is to stick with the doctor he’s been seeing (who is right, btw, about antidepressants and exasperating the delusions). I would also suggest you insist he allow you to go to the doctor with him until he’s stabilized. They often do not have good insight into their mood swings and such. I kept a calendar and used symbols each day indicating whether he was angry, hyper, angry, paranoid, etc. so the doctor (as well as my husband) could see the pattern. I’m keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care.
I feel you pain. My 17 year old daughter ran away from a rehab facility in November and i have been searching ever since. The only time she contacted me was to tell me I was dead to her. She claims I never tried to help her even though I dedicated a year and half to her mental health and fighting her addiction. I still love her and miss her but she wants nothing to do with me. I don’t know where she is or what she is doing. She has been in contact with my sister and her kids and i am now the evil one in the family because from what I understand, she told them that I kicked her out of the house. That was not the case. I lived with her father who was bipolar of 8 years before he killed himself; she was only 4. Single mother of 3 and she took up most of my time to try and get her well. I have a hard time sleeping at night not knowing where she is and if she may end her life like he did. I keep telling myself that I did all I could and if my family wants to disown me, then they are the ignorant ones for not getting the facts. Hang in there; i know it’s not easy.
I’m so sorry, but glad you understand that there’s only so much you can do. The thing with bipolar is that their emotions are so intense that their loved ones can be casualties of the war within them. Part of it is her age, I’m sure. Your family is like most who haven’t dealt with bipolar disorder up close and personal. They truly cannot understand unless they’ve lived it. My in-laws also tended to blame me for my husband’s issues. I can remember my m-I-l telling me a hundred times “a person cannot fight all by themselves”. Well, it’s simply not true. I could keep from arguing with him, but I couldn’t keep him from regularly declaring war on me (when he was un-medicated!). Now they are my greatest allies because in time they’ve seen it for themselves. It’s so much better if the family has a unified front because a young person is rebellious anyway, but with the chaotic mind that can go along with bipolar, they need a great deal of tough love…. strong boundaries and consistent, loving support. Wishing you the best of luck.
After 5 years of attempting to save my wife and my children’s mother – she left. Now, daily I live with the thought that I can’t help her no matter how hard I try. Courts turn their heads; the hospital does as well. Try to help them and they remove you as a person capable of speaking to a doctor about their care. Where does that leave us? Today, a little over a year later, I don’t know where she is or what she is doing. Her family doesn’t contact me – some because they’re too embarrassed and hurt and others because they want to believe I am the horrible man she made me out to be. Everyday I hurt for her. Everyday I realize that my life, though very lonesome, is better without her in it – at least for now. The love doesn’t go away – still love her. case and point – despite her madness, she left and hasn’t returned and it is something I could have never asked her to do. She saved her family by leaving. God, a mysterious gentleman
Wow….want an incredible post! I’m glad you had the courage to take on a topic that many deem taboo. I haven’t left my wife but geez I’ve been close so many times when she is unwell. It can be so hard because everything I know, like and love about her 99% of the time is completed reversed the 1% of the time she is unwell.
When she is unwell she becomes a mirror image of herself when she is well.
The only thing that has stopped me leaving is the commitment I made to her before we even got really serious in our relationship. On our 2nd date she said “Before we get serious or take this relationship any further I need to let you know I have a serious mental illness” I replied (having never been around or seen someone who was mentally unwell) “No probs – i’ll never let that come between us” That was 13 years ago and I still hold that promise at all times.
I’m troubled by the title of this post. The crux of your argument is, “To those appalled I say this: be abused by an individual for years at a time. Have him hit you. Have him steal from you. Have him vandalize your home. Have him refuse treatment. Have him call the cops on you. Have him get addicted to drugs. Have him rage at you when they see you. Have him endanger your children.”
What you’re describing is abusive and dangerous behavior, not mental illness. Some abusive and dangerous people have mental illnesses. Others do not. Naming the page, “When you leave an abusive or dangerous loved one” is much more fitting.
By naming the page as you have, you perpetuate the myth that mentally ill people are abusive and violent. Sure, some of them are. But there are even more abusive and dangerous people who aren’t mentally ill.
That would only be true if the entire website wasn’t dedicated to helping those with bipolar disorders and their supporters. Context is absolutely relevant. Furthermore, if you read anything on this website, or the comments following this article, you would know that Natasha is bipolar herself, so she is certainly not claiming all people with bipolar disorder are abusive. However, it is absolutely statistically accurate to state that many people with bipolar disorder DO become abusive. Those who tend toward paranoia and the more aggressive, manic, or mixed moods that are not med compliant often veer into abusive behavior. Please do not judge a book by its cover, or in this case, an article based on the heading. Natasha commits a large amount of time and energy to educate people about bipolar disorder and advocate for them.
Context does matter, and it would be good if everyone visiting the site delved enough to see the context. The problem is, most won’t.
Ann Coulter is saying that guns don’t kill people–the mentally ill do. She says that avoiding a stigma on mental illness is the equivalent of accepting mass murder. Ann Coulter is a repugnant excuse for a human being, but she’s influential. People are getting convinced that mental illness = violence.
I’m sure that Natasha did not intend for her blog entry title to have potentially harmful effects on views of the mentally ill. But intentional or not, she’s taken that risk.
A more appropriate title would be, “When you leave an abusive or dangerous loved with with a mental illness”.
The sweetest people on earth can be overcome by abusive and violent behavior they can’t control because of mental illness. Often they don’t even remember it. For me, Natasha is speaking about situations where mental illness creates an unbearable misery solved only by ending a relationship. It is not easy to leave someone for illness they can’t control. The guilt of even considering is sky high. Natasha is offering ways to make the decision by analyzing it in terms of personal safety, happiness and mental health.
This is different from abusive behavior in which two people are caught in a conscious cycle of anger and shame. I find this article refreshing honest and not at all about myths.
I completely agree. I never knew my husband’s dark side. He’s one of the nicest people you’ll ever meet, until he suffers a psychotic break. He never remembers them. The true Dr. Jeckyl Mr. Hyde. He’s trying, but even after rehab and now religious attendance of AA and PA, he can still turn into a monster and freak out our 2-year old. How much is enough????
I’m high functioning bipolar II and whenever there comes a time when I want to search the web for answers, it is great how this web site ends up having the best range of answers. I find myself re-reading this article and the comments from time to time.
There is someone who I am not sure I want in my life anymore. I work with them. This person confessed to me about mental health issues, but won’t get treatment. We were friends but the person has no boundaries and wanted all hours access for paranoia and random thoughts. Things went downhill fast during the last episode with a public crisis at work. I had to make it clear to HR that I’d never slept with this person, as it appeared otherwise due to wild emotions on their part. Thankfully neither of our jobs is at risk.
Now the person is sorry and wants to enter counseling with me, but is likely still not getting help for the real issue. People at work are too scared of dealing with mental illness and are treating it like this person is a jilted stalker but know otherwise, as they have been the target of prior episodes. I would never reveal the extensive info I know about this person’s mental health history.
I am not unsafe, yet this feels like abuse. Some really hateful words came from this person during this episode. Looking back I feel angry that I’ve spent months with a person who refuses to get help. What it takes to help this person is more than I have to offer.
At more than one job, I’ve been a magnet for people who refuse to treatment, are very successful in spite of it, on a self-destructive path and are likely sicker than me. I want out of this. I have friends and family who are normal and caring.I have young kids… The recent disaster played havoc with my own mental health. I hate having that worry loop in my head when I am reading books to my kids.
Ideas anyone? How to stop this from happening again? Anyone have a few basic rules?
I lived with a man who was extremely sick with schizo affective disorder for 20 years. I left him last year. He raped me, assaulted me, physically destroyed our home, “lost” (aka had impounded) 4 vehicles, bankrupted us in his grandiose phases, was in and out of jail and the county mental hospital every month, abused drugs and alcohol, tried to set out house on fire, killed 2 of our cats, tore 2 walls down in an attempt to kill me with a construction hammer, terrorized me at home and at work, tried to choke me, held me down and pulled one of my teeth out with pliers because I would not give him money for marijuana, stole from me and made my life HELL. At first I thought that if I kept a sane, calm, clean, serene house, he would “come around,” and if I loved him “enough”, it would bring him back to sanity. That was pure denial on my part. I have been away from him with no contact (and I DO NOT want any) for a year and I still have severe PTSD. There is no “saving” a mentally ill partner who is not med compliant and things everyone but him is the problem. If you are in a relationship like this-RUN FOR YOUR LIFE AND DO NOT LOOK BACK! I would sell my soul to have those 20 years and my peace of mind back..
I have a 17 year old daughter that has recently run away from a treatment halfway house. At 16 she was diagnosed bipolar and was sent to rehab because she would drink to the point of alcohol poisoning. Her step-father and I forced her into rehab and she has been in and out 3 times. When she went into rehab the last time, i told her she couldn’t come home and we got DCFS involved. I felt that her coming home wasn’t safe for her as all her “friends” were in this area. We eventually made arrangements for her to stay with her Aunt a few towns over and it would put her in a different school and we felt that was best for her. She took it as I dind’t want her around. I guess that was partially it but my main reason was she needed to be safe and I couldn’t protect her anymore. Plus she had made it clear that she would have rather stayed with her aunt anyway. Her aunt said that my daughter needed to finish the program and have a transition into her home and my daughter was willing to do that…..or we though so. She went from rehab to a halfway house and has run away from the halfway house. She is back in our hometown; i only know that because she had been caught trying to steal liquor from the local store. She contacted me right before Christmas and asked to get her X-box. I told her the only way she could have it was if she told me where she is. She refused and the X-box remains at my house. My family has disowned me because they feel I have abandoned her even though they don’t know the whole story. She starts out talking nicely to me but ends up with abusive language and telling me I am dead to her. I hurt all over emotionally and am having a very hard time dealing with the loss of her and i worry about her 24-7. I have started therapy because I am having difficulty dealing. I don’t want to bring down my husband or my other children so I keep it all inside; the pain i am feeling. She only has a Sophomore High School level education and she has never learned to drive. I am obsessed with trying to find her but don’t want her home. I am lost!!
My fiance and I have lived together for six years and have a four year old boy. He is bipolar and has a severe anxiety disorder. His family is all messed up too. Lots of grudges and unhealthy issues there. We get into arguments in front of our boy and im tired of it. I’m scared he will sink if we ask him to move out. I love him as a person but no longer as a partner. He is medicated, but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. Not sure whar to do.
I am hopeless and tired and all I can think of is how lost I am . My fiance is having social disablity, behavior problems and not mature. He is suicidal ad depressed, stubborn as hell ! I discovered this all after we got engaged and by living with him. I have not met his family well but they always managed to give me this strong negative vibes { I knew something is wrong } .. It turned out, he had a care free life, he was living upon to his mother orders . He was a doll, someone else feed, dress, and put a side. He kept himself that way all the years of his life. His mother is a very very controlling and strong mother and as a shy quiet boy, he just gave up trying to build his personality or his life, he just did the easiest, do it her way. It end up with him having ZERO life experience. He is a child of 6 years old, not grew yet. I first saw him as a kind, sweet, nice guy and he is .. but I didn’t know how deep this goes. It break me to discover all this flows in him day by day .. month by month ..
He is just not a man. He get fooled easily, he doesn’t behave nicely outside, so when we go to a cafe, a resturant if I said something doesn’t work with him, he is like a child, shows his upset and anger and react weird. He sometimes will drop his head down and pout ! I die everytime this happen.
I love him and I think he kept a lot of things away from me. He is a silent guy and I assumed that is all because he is shy. OMG, how much defective he is. At first we enjoyed experiencing the life together .. I enjoyed showing him lots of things in life. And he didn’t hide things, he told me he doesn’t go out or never had to go to a fast food resturant. I thought it is all because his mother is a strict, controlling religious mother. She is horrible! She is the reason of all the madness. So I was discovering it little by little until it became hard to handle.
I told him he needs a doctor for his abusive past, porn addiction, suicidal behavior and depression . But The defective level of brain function kills me. I am very sure he is of low IQ . He was living with his folks, and they all live together in one big house, that woman have 12 child, minus the still birth, or miscarriages ! She is a controller, army woman. Her methods of raising kids, is destroyed. No love, commands and fear !
He moved out first and it was way better after he did but then day by day I became to see clealy how defective he is. I am at the leaving point now. He attend doctors sessions, he take depression medications, but he is having 0 motivation to build a life or be responsible or go learn, try ! We’ve been going 5 months with him knowing he needs a car, he do no single plan. NO EAGER to live or catch on something. He is not a fighter but a quitter and the only thing he loves is me. He just want me and that is his aim in life. He is happy and content because I am there and he won’t do anything until we go in a strong fight.
We are engaged by court [court marriage] as I am Indian and this is my culture. I am thinking since a long time of ending this. Part of me know it would work if he develops and become good but he doesn’t seem to want or go for it. He ignores all the things needed in life for us to move on, for him to grow.
I’ve left him 3 weeks ago, cut my contact “minimal phone call” and he is NOT fine but not doing any major changes. He first started hard, met some friends, tried to expand his contact, worked on the bank loan but by accident he saw me on a gathering Tuesday and since that he became all loving and romance and just be with me mood. His animal needs speak louder than his life needs. He is immature .. just a teen who want to make out, cuddle and that’s it.
Very upset with it, very not happy and trapped :/ .. I want to end it but my family hate the name “divorced” and I do too. It is a hard step and I’ve been thinking of it
I really liked this article. We haven’t spoken to my husbands dad in two years and I firmly believe he has mental illness. His problem (well one of them) is lying and seeming to believe what he says its true. He puts fear in me every time his name is mentioned. Most recently other inlaws told me he was checked into a psych ward for evaluation after claiming there were demons in his house. He scares me still even though we don’t see him anymore. He knows where we live and sent a card saying just a few notes that sounds like he is still not taking any blame for the things he did or lies he told. he thinks we are just out to hurt him even though he caused us to leave. I wish he didn’t even know where we lived :( reading this article made me feel better about our decision. It’s hard to let someone go, but the fact is it doesn’t matter who they are of they are hurting you, you shouldn’t allow it to continue.
I am fairly certain that my domestic partner is bi-polar. I don’t dare mention this term to him or he will explode. He has finally agreed to meet a therapist, but he has chosen a psychologist. I believe he needs a psychiatrist to diagnose this disorder and to treat it. Does anyone have any thoughts on the best way to encourage him to get a diagnoses?
Hi Julie,
First off, I think that it’s very positive that he wants to see any healthcare professional, so that’s great.
Regarding diagnosing him, some psychologists _do_ diagnosis, although I would always recommend a doctor over a psychologist. You might want to talk to the psychologist and see what they suggest. Maybe suggesting a doctor visit is something you can handle together with the psychologist’s help.
– Natasha Tracy
Going to a psychologist may be a good first step. Go with him if you can. When my husband first started showing signs of bipolar, I told him “one of us is crazy, I’m not sure which, so I guess we should both go and let the doctor decide”. His erratic behavior was bringing out the worst in me (which was bringing out the worst in him), so we both really needed guidance. A good psychologist will recognize the signs of bipolar and refer you to a psychiatrist. Most psychiatrists don’t do therapy anymore, just prescribe meds, so he will probably need both anyway. Besides, you will need good counsel to know how to deal with him in the future. Being with someone with bipolar can be extremely difficult at times. During the mania they often act out and you suffer the consequences as much as they do. When they’re depressed, you love them, so it hurts you to see them suffer. A good therapist will help you be supportive, but not co-dependent or controlling.
I say this to all Bipolar people or people with a mind illness.” IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOU HAVE THIS ILLNESS …..BUT….IT IS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY TO MANAGE IT ” !
I also say this to myself since Nov 3rd/2011/We must take our meds daily,get enough sleep which is important for circadium rythums.9 for me,exercise daily for a short walk or walk a calm dog,avoid alcohol and drugs,stay away from unstable people like alcoholics and see the Doctor for blood tests or see the Psychiatrist if required.
We basically need to stick to a treatment plan ….OR….people need to leave us for their own safety and peace of mind.A person that has no treatment plan or won’t follow the treatment plan is irresponsible.If they go off on Bipolar rages which is not like normal anger then it’s a sign that they are becoming unstable ( Manic or Depressed and anxious )
Simply talk to that persons Psychiatrist and then leave a not explaining why your stuff is not at the residence on his or her return.Two weeks away will give them time to see how seriuos this is.Let them know that you will return when they are stable.
Give them a few times to comply with a Treatment plan if you feel safe doing so ??
I also worked in the mental Health field for 26 years so I have ZERO tollerance for non compliance.So repeat my saying at the top and show this note to anyone with a mental illness.I hold myself to the same standards and your spouse or relative can see that !
Well said! (It can be hard sticking to the plan tho’, can’t it! I forget half the dose 2-3 times a week and sticking to a regular sleep pattern … so many temptations to stay on the computer half the night …)
Well, the tough love stance is all fine and good, but keep in mind that despite one’s best efforts keeping up with the standards, relapse can and does happen.
http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/830/a-bumpy-road
I understand that “you’ve got to tell it like it is”, and you are correct in saying that if someone is completely non compliant and refuses treatment, then certainly their loved ones have the right to leave if needed, but you’ve got to understand that for some folks relapse just happens, and the road to recovery is not the same for everyone. Sometimes I am startled by how hard some people with bipolar are on other BP sufferers. Yes, tell the truth, but remember where you come from and let than guide you on communicating with compassion.
LOOK Judy,I have worked in the Mental Health field for 26 years.I had some residents that were compliant when I gave meds and I had some that spit out the pills or resisted when I gave them the meds.
My point is that it only takes a little common sense to see if a Bipolar person is compliant with their treatment plan.
I havn’t missed a dose of medication since my diagnosis on Nov/2011 and I follow all the other parts of my treatment plan.As a result I don’t have the Police coming anymore,I don’t have knew holes in my wall and my wife isn’t scared anymore.
Judy your going to have to be very specific with me as to why a person can’t follow a simple treatment plan ? Is the person homeless that you speak of because that would make it difficult.
Disclaimer : If a person is not following the treatment plan because they suffered a death of a loved one and went into relapse due to major stress then that is legitamate RELAPSE.If the person started doing coke,speed or alcohol agin and went into relapse then this is NOT a legitamate reason to stay durring relapse.
Judy I do not enable myself or expect my wife to go through hell from a relapse that is NOT legitamate.I told her to leave me if I did NOT follow my treatment plan.Hospitalize the person under a form 1 and leave a letter before you leave.
Thank you for this post. I have lived with guilt for over nine years now about leaving an abusive and dysfunctional marriage to someone who was (finally) diagnosed as OCD, paranoid/delusional with schizophrenic episodes. I got to the point that I couldn’t cope with it anymore, but since his family didn’t know exactly how bad it really was they called me weak and accused me of all of the worst fears that I had about myself.
I know the reality of the situation and, suffering from depression myself, I knew that I was not able to cope with it. But I also had this feeling that I shouldn’t have to cope with it – so after six months of hell I decided that I had to leave to protect myself.
When I think about it rationally I know I did the right thing, but I still carry around this guilt with me that I should have done more for him. It’s just nice to have someone say that it’s alright to protect yourself and leave.
Thank you
After 5 yrs off on again on again relationship w my boyfriend of 5 yrs ( he’s a alcoholic)
I’m bipolar…I’ve finally seen the writing on the wall.
He drives drunk,I don’t drink or have alcohol here,he brings drink here for himself..
We go out once I did drink w him,day after OMG was I sick,violently raged then suicidal crying 3 DAYS.
Then he’s offered me cocaine,after being a serious addict 30 yrs ago!
I’m no angel,I’ve cheated on him,but never lied … He lies all the time.
Last nite was it folks,I’d been manic,no substances,just the bipolar & stress,took my cocktail of meds,turned out my lights kitty by my side.
Phone rings,I’ve call display,no energy ..texted me 6 x phone rings again.ifor the first time I felt nothing.
Not even sympathy.
I said in my head it’s time,to let him go,what happens happens,yet knowing he’s dying.
I don’t have to die as well. I think the interventionists were right on the money.
Two sick people can’t be together anyway,but this used to be a nice guy.
Turned into a toxic controlling alcoholic,obsessed with me.im sick & tired of the drama.
I’m not a babysitter..he needs detox,or won’t be long before he’s dead.
Again,that’s his choice.
Which no longer sounds cold to me but totally sensible & healing
You can’t save them.
They have to do that,I highly doubt he will.
I’ve refocused on my best girlfriend,my cat,family and first time number ONE myself.
I closed that door of my life.
I feel free & interestingly,I slept in,maybe Gods way of saying you did the right thing.
No tears anymore,people must own their illnesses as their own.
Simply said.
Simply done.
Hardest part is he follows me as he drives yes,a taxi within my area.
But this feels really different then before when we’ve separated.
As it is,thanks for listening.
Feels good to release it,hope it can help someone else in a similar situation.
Cheers from Canada!
The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
Courage to change the things I can;
And wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
As it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
If I surrender to His Will;
So that I may be reasonably happy in this life
And supremely happy with Him
Forever and ever in the next.
Amen.
Jonah 2:5 – 2:7
Jonah Chapter 2
5 The waters compassed me about, [even] to the soul: the depth closed me round about, the weeds were wrapped about my head.
6 I went down to the bottoms of the mountains; the earth with her bars [was] about me for ever: yet hast thou brought up my life from corruption, O LORD my God.
7 When my soul fainted within me I remembered the LORD: and my prayer came in unto thee, into thine holy temple.
Matthew 11:28
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Luke 1:37
For with God nothing shall be impossible.
Philippians 4:19
But my God shall supply all your need according to his riches in glory by Christ Jesus.
Romans 12:2
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
1 Peter 5:8
Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour:
Romans 8:28
And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
1 Corinthians 6:19 – 6:20
1 Corinthians Chapter 6
19 What? know ye not that your body is the temple of the Holy Ghost [which is] in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own?
20 For ye are bought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God’s.
Philippians 4:6 – 4:7
Philippians Chapter 4
6 Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God.
7 And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.
Matthew 17:14-20
Matthew Chapter 17
14 And when they were come to the multitude, there came to him a [certain] man, kneeling down to him, and saying,
15 Lord, have mercy on my son: for he is lunatick, and sore vexed: for ofttimes he falleth into the fire, and oft into the water.
16 And I brought him to thy disciples, and they could not cure him.
17 Then Jesus answered and said, O faithless and perverse generation, how long shall I be with you? how long shall I suffer you? bring him hither to me.
18 And Jesus rebuked the devil; and he departed out of him: and the child was cured from that very hour.
19 Then came the disciples to Jesus apart, and said, Why could not we cast him out?
20 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.
This probably describes a typical and common period of respite from a Bipolar manic episode, which those of us and our doctors, who deal with this disorder on a daily basis, are very familiar. It gives a time of relief, of apparent normality, that may last months, weeks, days, hours or even a few minutes; it is not necessarily some rarely reported and unverifiable miracle. This is not to decry your faith but show there is a well-known, commonly witnessed, cause that may explain the phenomena illustrated by that passage of the Bible.
I never have responded to your comments before,but I need to help you understand something.people have a mindset that if they have something or think a certion way that means it must be correct that others have the same problems.I know people in my life that have bipolar. I have never had or have bipolar, mental health disorder. I pray every day for others that do,and most of them have had healing. I wrote all THOSES verses from scripture to help people understand that they don’t have to stay in bondage for the rest of their life’s.
JESUS CHRIST is the anwser to all pain , heartbreak and illness. It doesn’t mean that everyone will be healed from mental illness, Paul from the BIBLE had mental illness his whole life, but GOD got him through the loneliness and heartache.Please believe Gods power and that he loves all his creation.The enemy (satan) is the reason for all the suffering in the world.PRAY FOR BLOOD OF CHRIST TO HEAL YOU.Repent and pray,just open your heart to him.cry out to him.
When I was first diagnosed with BP my ‘born again’ Christian sister said that ‘God must have given (me) Bipolar Disorder so that (I) could understand what it is like and help others similarly afflicted’ with this cruel illness. I could have smacked her in the mouth for that stupid comment. Can you see the logical flaw? That a loving God would make people Bipolar so they could help others who are Bipolar … Uh? Surely an all-powerful god could make things a whole lot more kind, a great deal less painful and deadly, for everyone if that god hadn’t created the illness in the first place. Because you may be sure, Bipolar Disorder isn’t some kind of possession by an evil spirit and it isn’t some kind of punishment for people who are bad. (Bipolar Disorder does not discriminate between good people or bad ones.) If science isn’t supposed to explain what causes Bipolar Disorder, then God must have made it. That said, faith in God is fine if it gives a person enough of a crutch to survive the worst of Bipolar Disorder – if it helps a person get through the worst times of the illness, great. Keep on believing. But faith doesn’t do it for me. Hope and science, they are what float my boat – especially hoping that science will one day find a cure for Bipolar Disorder, or at least find a way to prevent the genes that cause it from being passed on through the generations. Hope because to my knowledge there are no scientifically *verifiable* incidences of Bipolar Disorder being cured by anything, let alone by a miracle, and I don’t regard biblical tales as having the same value as scientific papers and peer reviews. Of course, this isn’t the right place to get into a God-debate. But each to their own, I say: I would fight to the death to defend your right to believe in god (and I hope you would reciprocate and defend my right to be agnostic) and I will gladly support anyone who finds that a faith in god (or Allah or whatever) helps them, but I have survived Bipolar Disorder for years in spite of not having faith in any god. Faith may well help people cope with Bipolar Disorder, but it isn’t a necessary ingredient for surviving it.
I hear your heart on this,and I completely
Understand. I was the same in my past.
She should not have said that to you.on her behalf,I want to apologize for her words.
I know you have suffered greatly and i want you to know how highly I think of your strength.
GOD didn’t do this SATAN did. GOD carries us to place in our life’s where he can heal us.
I had multiple health problems before I was saved, my spine so bent and messed-up that couldn’t sleep,workout or live period.after I was saved one night ,alone I asked GOD to heal me.he did.
God is supposed to have created everything (including Satan) so God will have created Bipolar Disorder. Satan is supposed to influence what people do, to corrupt them, not create anything, whereas God is supposed to have given people free will to choose to do good or evil. Unfortunately, ‘he’ forgot to let innocent people have the choice of NOT having evil things done to them. Thanks God for not letting us choose not to have evil done to us and thanks for creating Bipolar Disorder …. my thanks is not sincere because I don’t believe there is such a thing as a benevolent God. Dr Stephen Hawking says no god is necessary (not that there isn’t a god) for the creation of a universe, and
… the presence of a god is not necessary to survive Bipolar Disorder, regardless of whether or no a god exists.
If you believe God helps you, that’s fine – whatever floats your boat – but please do not insist that God is necessary for people to survive this illness because one cannot trust a being that, if it existed, created the illness in the first place or
… whose all-power should enable it to remove the illness from existence from everyone at a stroke, and would do so if it were a benevolent being that loved all s/he has created. Because, even if the Devil created BP, a god should be able to remove it from everyone … unless it is not as powerful as that devil.
I’ve posted on this site before. First when my sister was showing signs of mental illness but we couldn’t get her to get help. Then after she took my 4-yr old child because of a delusion that my mom was abusing her. She wouldn’t accept help and we were introduced to the world of TDOs- she was released and still refused help and no one could help us. Now I write to say that her delusions continued and she assaulted a neighbor because she thought she was stalking her. We went through another TDO and this time she was involuntarily committed. However, she has been quiet and not violent or agitated so the chances of her staying a full 30 days is slim. Plus, she is appealing so there is yet another chance she will be released before the 30 days. She refused medication but so they gave her an injection with my permission. They have not determined her diagnosis yet- delusional disorder or schizophrenia. If delusional disorder, meds won’t necessarily help. So we are back at square one- she won’t seek help and if forced, won’t get better. Why go through all of this? My mom might face legal action by residents in her building to kick her out, just another thing for me to deal with. I can’t describe the pain, the never ending, ongoing pain that I am going through. I am on a thread and am trying to be strong for my family but I think that is quickly coming to an end. I am told that self-care is critical for me. For what? Be strong to keep dealing with this illness?
I surrender all to JESUS,my pain and my broken heart.
The pain and heart brake that people have caused me,I surrender it to JESUS.GOD heal my pain and heart ache.
Mend my heart , soul and spirit GOD.so I may live the life you gave to me.!
Amen and amen. We come into a covenant, agreement with you that you will be healed. Two are better than one and a three-fold cord is not easily broken. Praying for your miracle.
That’s fine but no one should ever imagine prayer is a substitute for good medication when they are stricken with Bipolar Disorder.
I just wanted to take a moment to share my story. I have been dating a guy who I believe is bipolar. When we first started to date, he was the sweetest guy but now he is violent, physically abusive and not to mention he calls me so many names. I know that he is definitely mentally ill but how do I break away from the cycle of abuse. He often tells me to go away but within the next couple of days he will say that he going to wreck my life, destroy my career, and he has even said that he would burn my house down with my children in it. The cycle never ends. I need some real advice. None of my family or friends know the pain that I am experiencing. Please help.
He may be ill and needing help but you are not a medical professional and not equipped to deal with his problem. You must think of your own and your family’s welfare first. So, get out of the relationship. Record all incidences of abuse and call the cops when he’s been violent with you. Use that information to either get him prosecuted for assault (you may be doing him a favour if he’s convicted because his lawyer might get in a psychiatrist for his legal defence) or to get a retraining order from a law Court to keep him away from you and your family. Good luck.
I mean to say “restraining order”, not ‘retraining’.
Thank you, As it has hit home for me being the mom of someone who is 28yrs old and mentally ill and will not seek treatment after I have tried to help her over and over. Trying to come to grips with letting her go is tearing me apart but I have to do it or it will literally kill me. People have been telling me the same thing but to read both articles helps me a great deal. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I have to save myself.
It is a hard decision for any mother to make. It was hard for my mother when my sister become m. i. It destroyed my mother and she died from ruptured peptic ulcers. The stress from it killed her. Live seperately if possible. My mother couldn’t get rid of my sister. There were no laws in place to help my mother and sister. Still aren’t. If she is in your home you may go to court and evict her. Talk to an attorney. Lobby for the laws to change in your area. I wish you the very best. It doesn’t just affect you but your entire family as a whole. God Bless.
Deb,
I am sitting in the same chair you are, with my 29 year old son. I was right there with you as I read your words above. Being the mother that feels she has no other choice but to walk away, not only for ourselves, but also for our “Child” is a decision neither you nor I ever even entertained when we looked at our newborn babies. Know you have a sister-mom who is going through this right with you. Blessings to you friend.
Deb and Lainey,
I am going through this with my 30 y/o son. He is now homeless, came to stay with me and my 19 y/o son. After 4 days I told him to leave because of the verbal abuse an his delusional thoughts. What do you do when they won’t get help? I don’t want him back in my home for my well-being and the well-being of my other son who says he’ll leave if I take older son back. My heart is broken.
GOD bless you cookie,your heart is right with GOD and thank you for helping me with just being a friend to talk to.
You’re welcome. Anytime. Stay away. You will feel better in time. God Bless. Keep in touch.
How did things tturnout with you and your friend?
I’ve been living with a Bi-polar girlfriend for a year and her bouts of mania and rage are becoming less predictable and more violent. I could write a book on the symptoms and patterns I have sadly experienced in this time. She refuses to get help, even though its clear her medication is ineffective, and I’m stuck in the recurring methodology of denial, accusation, mania, depression, etc. Its hurting me, my career, and my family as I continue to let these things happen to myself.
She destroyed nearly everything I own in a bout of rage a few months ago, and ended up in jail after turning her attack on me when I tried to save my valuables from being ruined. After that, I left for a month, and foolishly, put myself back into the storm by taking her back, and we had a shared apartment at the time. She entered treatment, and quit once I moved back in.
This past week, it all erupted in another mess of a situation. She started cheating with another person, even though we lived together, right under my nose. I caught her, confronted her, and she lost control. After drinking for a full weekend, she again ruined every one of my possessions, smashed my truck, and came at me with a knife.
I had no choice but to call for help and she was arrested. Her family is threatening me with legal action even though I was the one being attacked. The apartment is destroyed, and I now have to decide if I want to testify against her. I’m making strides to leave the lease and move on with my life and its very hard.
I feel bad for her, but can no longer allow myself to be part of the violence. It has taken a severe toll already and it is my own fault for allowing the abuse to continue. I do not know how to help her and can’t take the insanity any more.
I am so glad I found this site. I have two brothers. One was diagnosed as mentally ill years ago. He has been in and out of mental hospitals and in trouble with the law for about three decades now. I cut ties with him in 2002 after he physically attacked me at my mother’s funeral. He moved out of state, which is good for me, because I am afraid he will really hurt me. I believe my other sibling also has some mental issues. He bosses me around constantly, is very controlling, is a hoarder, and I always do what he says so he won’t get mad at me. I am a nervous wreck around him. I believe both of my siblings have “helped” themselves to my dad’s savings. I am so afraid of this family. Even writing this makes me scared someone from my family will see it. Any suggestions on how I can the controlling sibling off my back without hurting his feelings? Have any of you had to stand up to someone you had trouble standing up to?
Hello everyone.
I have a best friend whose bi-polar and I do need some assistance. For the last 6 years I’ve helped him in all ways humanly possible with this illness. I’ve taken more hits from him than anyone in his life and have nevertheless been there for him more than anyone has in HIS life. Its been a very long road filled with many situations and scenarios that didn’t turn out well for me and him yet it hasn’t gotten any better. I do everything I can from talking to doing research on this myself to help him to taking all his anger, rage, frustration, sarcasm, and burst of viciousness. I’ve had plenty of opportunities to walk away from this and only now am I actually severely thinking about it. I hate that I am but you have to understand, its been rough since the beginning and I used to take it all with positive resolve….but that has worn down to a paper-thin prospect.
Understand that I love him like a brother and he feels the same about me, but my fears about this are starting to truly take shape. Not to mention HE is getting worse…the anger and rage are becoming more frequent and for reasons that don’t make any sense anymore. I’ve done what I normally do – take it from him, calm him down, and help him get to a better place along with myself. But now, that doesn’t seem to be enough. Its reached a new level of intensity. So much so that he’s reduced me to tears on numerous occasions this year alone. And the only reason why its been tears is because all the times I’ve become angry, I held it in completely, as to no exacerbate the situation.
I could go on about everything else I do for him but that would be a novel of a read. Needless to say, I’ve made nothing but sacrifices for him over the years, and all my actions regarding him is strictly just to compromise, assist, support, and create a better friendship for us. Its been a one-sided friendship since the beginning and, crazy enough, I was okay with that. It was enough for me.
But somewhere along the way, that stopped being the case. I wanted him to start being better to me as a friend and start reciprocating everything I’ve done for him over the years and he was all for the idea. While he takes medication and is a agoraphobic, (Tried my best to help him with that too but its been the cause of plenty of his outburst, so I’ve sinced stopped.) I’ve still compromised for him more than anyone, and thought he’d do the same finally and I’ve continued to talk talk talk and help him with his issues right along with doing what he’s supposed to do to become a better friend. But to no avail. Therapy is not an option for him because he’s poor and doesn’t have health insurance…and I don’t have enough money either to help him with anything like that. He’s been looking into finding a group to talk to, while I still research and do the best I can by him, but my passion for it is not what it used to be.
Again its been 6 years going on 7, and now, its allllllllllll taken its toll over me. I have now become hesitant in doing what I normally do for him, and have been questioning myself at every turn if I’m making the right choices for myself as well as him. And worse, I’ve felt repeatedly hurt, embarrassed, knocked out and worn down by his rage, sadism, and viciousness.
My loyalty and love for him is still there, but my resolve for all this is fading….fading fast, and everyone else in my life informs me that this is going to last for another decade and there’s nothing I can do about it…no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, he won’t change, and this has been futile since the start…I feel scared and concerned about how my own future will inevitably be effected by my best friend, because I don’t want to give up on him, but I dont know how much longer I can last either.
I’m still doing research so if ANYONE knows of any books or strategies or any of the sort that can help me with this and him, giving me a better understanding and informing me of what to do from here, please email me.
OR if anyone can inform me on just how to keep being his best friend without further losing myself in the process, again, let me know.
It will be greatly appreciated. Thank You.
Sounds like you’re an intelligent, caring friend and he’s lucky to have you. Having said that, you say he’s on meds, but they don’t appear to be working properly for his bi-polar. Many times people with bi-polar only want to treat half their disease (the depression or anxiety, not the mania which requires a mood stabilizer). If that’s the case, you ought to seriously discuss this with him or even offer to go with him to the doctor (not to tell the doctor what he needs, of course, but to make sure the doctor is getting a clear picture of all that’s going on). As for the rest, you need to set boundaries so that you don’t completely burn out. You need to know it’s OK to say, “I love you bro, but I can’t deal with this right now.” when he’s being abusive or just too difficult for you. Also, don’t expect him to be able to reciprocate consistently because it’s probably not possible. People with bipolar can be the most generous, kind, loving people in the world, but not when their moods are overtaking their life. Then, they’re hanging on for dear life and, frankly, can’t see past their own tumultuous emotions. Try to help him get stable, voice your concerns in an honest, but sensitive way, then accept him for who he is. It may be you don’t need to leave the relationship so much as you need to work on setting boundaries – not only for this relationship, but others. Also, be deliberative in finding other supportive people in your life. You can’t always be the “strong” one, and as great a guy as your friend may be, he’s dealing with a serious illness that precludes him from being that person for you while his illness is not controlled.
I hope that everyone can realize how important it is for the people supporting others with mental illness to get help themselves. Often, they are so focused on helping their loved one or friend that they fail to realize what a psychologically vulnerable state they are in themselves. As with all things in life: if you want to help others, you must first make sure you are in a position to help others. Even psychologists are required to be in therapy with another psychologist to deal with all the turmoil they face counseling their clients. So it is equally important for people supporting the mentally ill to see a psychologist. Even though you are not facing mental illness yourself, you are dealing with all the repercussions of it. You are constantly exposed to trauma over and over again. You deserve to have your needs looked after and your health cared for. It is not in any way selfish or weak, it is a smart, healthy decision and beneficial for all parties involved. You do not expect your loved one to go through life in a difficult situation alone so do not expect the same of yourself.
Five years ago I asked my 65-year-old brother to come stay at my house while he recovered from a very severe depression. I assumed it would lift within weeks or a few months, but it lasted at least another year. I was happy to be able to be helpful to him and his one housebroken dog. It lasted so long he gave up and sold his home.
He immediately became manic and has been somewhat manic ever since. Afraid his old dog might die soon, he bought a puppy, which used my fairly new carpet for a bathroom every time my brother fell asleep in front of the tv. That upset me. Notwithstanding, he agreed to take in another larger dog, also unhousebroken. Then, he came home with still another. Since that time he has squandered every cent of the proceeds for the sale of his home on a family of drug addicts, some of whom have stolen small items from my home. He crashed my computer, losing a couple of thousand dollars worth of programs and everything else. He’s removed doors from closets, destroed new tile flooring and allowed the dog to destroy clothing, a mattress and treasured keepsakes. He’s bailed out a stalker who was a danger to my daughter and her baby and left doors open so that the man walked in and menaced us twice. The baby stayed sick constantly until my daughter moved. I started developing asthma and was ill and coughing, missing mor work than ever before. Anytime I made an issue of the damage or the nastiness of our living conditions, my brother would become defensive, make excuse, become enraged or attempt to humiliate me by pointing out my faults. I moved out of my own home and let him stay there. Since that time, my home has become so nasty and unlivable that I can’t spend one night there without becoming ill. After six years of this, I have finally asked him to move elsewhere. He wants me to borrow mone to replace my rug, promising me that he will pay me back. Although he is honorable about paying back loans, I would rather that he moved so I could get the house professionally cleaned top to bottom. I cannot afford to live in a separate home and hope to retire in the next few years especially since this home I own is walking distance from my job. Right now I am commuting 12 miles in a 15-year-old car.
But I still feel very bad about asking my brother to move.
I once tried being a VICTIM but….I found out that there was no money in it.I used to let people walk all over me until my brother stold 186,000 from my mom and da and they just cried about it.Then he borrowed and never paid back 100,000 from my executive brother and he just cried about it.I made him pay back the 12,500 he owed me and he cried and moaned about it.
There is a time when you have to stand up and take what’s yours.Or let me know were you live because I know I can come and steal your house because you won’t say anything about it.As you can hear I was just like you growing up and then I changed.I had poor self esteem.I know what’s wrong with your brother but what the hell is wrong with you.
Talk to a therapist and find out why you are comfortable being a victim…..remember there’s no money in it.THROW HIM OUT NOW !!
my wife had a mental illness which i believe she has bipolar, and i tried to work it out with her to see if we could go to get help which she didn’t corporate with me. and her mood swings kept getting much worse since she would pick an argument with me for no reason at all. when her mother passed away at the age of 59, which i really think that had something to do with it. i really wanted so much for my second marriage to work out since my first wife cheated on me. now that i am going out again, i am really scared since there are certainly many mentally disturbed women out there now. now single again is very scary for me since i had just met a woman at the club that liked me very much. i only know her for about a month which she came to my job to give me a red rose with a card, but i was very lucky not to be there since i don’t really like her at all which i never ever expected her to come to my work place to begin with. then i told her when i saw her again that i just want to be friends and i am not looking for a relationship right now since i am in the process of getting a divorce from my second wife. she still said to me well we could go a get a cup of coffee and talk, and i really think that she is getting obsessed with me just by the way she is acting which is very scarey as you can see. the women out there today are certainly very scarey, and now i have to be very careful that she doesn’t follow me around. here i am in my late fifties, and i never had this happen to me when i was young. I do hope that i could meet a good woman again to have a relationship with, but with so many women that have a mental illness today which really worries me.
It’s not that there are a lot of women with mental illness, or scary women, it’s that a) you’re not accustomed to dating and women, generally, are more aggressive nowadays 2) you apparently gravitate to these women (or they gravitate to you). I don’t say that facetiously. I say that from experience. Usually people with bipolar mates have some sort of dysfunction themselves (parent may have been bipolar or depressed), co-dependent, or they are more passive and the bipolar person gravitates to them. If you find this is true for you, you should really seek counseling yourself before you enter another relationship. Be deliberative, not scared, about choosing friends and/or a mate.
Thank you cookie,you are right ,GOD says to forgive.I have been praying for GOD to help me to do that.Caylen’s mother has been very rude from the very beginning to me and I always ignored it. After caylen’s mother talked to one of my family members about me,making untrue negative comments etc…
She also made threats of legal action against me,of which makes no since at all.Caylen is the criminal in this situation and her mother seems to be a part of it.AlI can say is GOD get me through this and help me.these people are evil in their intentions towards me and it is so confusing to me.I wish it wasn’t this way.All i would ask is for prayers for me of protection and their souls to be changed for CHRIST.they need help.Putting this on a prayer list at your church would be helpful,if you would be willing to do that? Thank you cookie!
Put these people out of your life. Avoid them in everyway possible. Talk with you parents. Your parents should be on your side. Bullying (threat’s) are part of the disorder and it runs in her family as well. You can get a protective order against her. The laws have changed now. You can’t stoop to their level because you are not that kind of a person. Thus, it is hard for you to comprehend, forgive, and understand evil. When I pulled back it stopped with less frequency. God walks beside you in this so believe for your miracle. May I ask how old you are? Do you have stay stuck in that environment? I will put you on our prayer list. Write again. Have a blessed week.
Bullying is not part of bipolar. Sounds like caylen is a psychopath. You say she hurts animals and steals and manipulates without regard for your feelings. Well, those are classic psychopathic tendencies. Cookie, it seems like you mean well, but please don’t misinform the public.
Judy, it may not be a common symptom of bipolar disorder, but it is not uncommon with those that experience dysphoric mania or mixed mood – at least according to my husband’s psychiatrist. It’s a combination of depression and mania crashing into each other combined with poor coping skills.
What may appear to be bullying, and certainly aggression, can be part of Bipolar esp. with someone in a mixed episode. Let me tell you, mixed episodes are the worst! I speak from experience. To get through them without jumping in front of a train takes every drop of what I call ’emotional energy’. In relationships you give (and receive) that energy – you can’t help it. So, if someone is getting in your face, drawing down some of the emotional energy you need for yourself, in order to survive, you have to persuade them to back off and leave you alone until you find balance. But they too frequently won’t! So, you have to persuade them more harshly when “please leave me alone” doesn’t work. And if they persist, you have to become very unpleasant.
I agree dysphoric mania can make someone REALLY unpleasant, but come on…Manipulating? Stealing and vandalizing without remorse? Hurting animals? Classic psychopathic behavior.
As for bullying, I will concede that it may be yet another one of mania’s unpleasant manifestations. I’ve experienced mixed states and admit to being terrible to be around, but I wouldn’t say that I’ve actively bullied anyone. Sorry to hear it may have happened to you, and I hope meds are helping to curb whatever bullying tendencies you may have manifested while manic.
Yes again,thank you cookie you are very correct in that.staying away from people who want to do you harm is always the right choice.I agree.i have been writing about this since July 10th of this year and it’s helped me express this awful experience that I have endured.iam a adult,but I am to trusting and poeple like Caylen (who seemed like minded at times,but now I look back and see she was playing a game from the very BEGINNING)
Always are looking for a easy target.someone to blame for their problems.
Hi my name is Frank and i have trying my best to help my wife of 13 years with everything i can to help her succeed in her life as we have had an up and down relationship do to me not knowing that mental illness has different varieties of disorders and i did not even know she had mental illness. We split up around 4 or 5 times do to insane behaviors. This whole time up until yesterday i always thought it was post traumatic stress and existing everyday stress that was causing these issues. I always believed that i could help her move forward and that we could have a loving understanding relationship but it was like most are describing here. So much to say with so little space that will explain as clear as possible so people out there know that they are not alone just as i know now. I believd she has hypothyrism, anxiety depression , mania and bipolar disoreder , alcoholism, and drug addiction to numb out what she feels and lack of compassion from the other men she has attempted to live with. Ive remained her friend everytime we split up and throughout all her relationships with others as ive always wanted her to have a beatiful life wether it was with me or someone else. I love her unconditionally and thats why ive never given up on her. At this point in her life she is now homeless and im so broken inside and once again ive lined her up with opportunities to to get off the streets but i believe her condition has gone so long without the proper professional therapy and the meds she needs that it might be to late. My major issue is ive been an enabler for so long and now ive been unemploeyed for 2 years after a 13 year stretch of working i feel that i dont have the financial resources to even help myself let alone her, im scared for her and i do not know how i will handle my emotions if she were to die in the streets. United way, 211, and homeless shelters and the police system have so many obstacles in the way of trying to get immediate help for someone who has any of these disorders that its discouraging most of time and that why so many people involved with these situations of loved ones have a difficult time helping these individuals. I pray for a miracle of my situation and for all others going through what we have talked about on this topic. May god help us all .
Hi Frank,
I am a bipolar sufferer but I don’t have an addiction. i am married. I can really feel for your situation; you want to help your wife but the disease is bringing you both down and you are running out of resources. I am not a professional but here’s what I can suggest:
1. Take care of yourself first – that’s a priority. Talk to a free counsellor if you can find one. Make a plan for your career and a plan for your own health. You will need to do this in order to help your wife.
2. Your wife needs professional help for the addictions and for her bipolar simultaneously. They need to be treated and addressd together or the treatment for one or the other won’t work.
3. It is critical that you try to keep housing by any means possible.
Thank you cookie,GOD BLESS YOU. I needed someone to say that.
It’s been very difficult to comprehend her criminal behavior.
Caylen is not a follower of CHRIST ,even though she is a intern at her church.
She lives for only her own desires and wants.she’s very smart at what she has done,she knew what to do to me and my home etc…,to get away with it.
Everyone in her life sees her as some inncent girl who hasn’t done any wrong.its sad because in the end it’s going to cost her salvation and everyone in her life has helped this to happen. Her complete denial.As long as no one believes me,she will continue to lie and comment this actions or never do it again and keep this sin that she did to me secret for the rest of her life.I knew GOD would have a person answer me,who understands.We are at the end of times.people need to start living for CHRIST JESUS.
Joan ,
You are welcome. Don’t try to comprehend. You will never be able to. My sister follows a teacher of Christ but does not believe in the Lord. You have witnessed many of the aspects of bipolar disease. These people very often destroy anything in their paths such as your personal property. They also lie, cheat, and steal. They are brilliant in their thinking. It is a part of their disease. One that you and I find hard to comprehend. The people around her are enabling her which is often the case with families in denial of her illness and/or in denial themselves. My sister has done all of these things you describe and worse. You are not alone. Your friend can deny so long but eventually something is going to happen that will put her in treatment. Someday, perhaps, she will ask you for forgiveness and maybe not. My sister wouldn’t if her life depended on it. Like you said it is all about them. We don’t know what is going on in their head as we do not have BP only in the path of it. People that know you know what she says not to be true. God knows. My sister lies on me at every oppotunity to cover up what is going on with her. This is what they do with frequency and are good at it. To a person without BP it is devasting to your well being. I know. You to have helped me to share my feelings. We have to remember they are broken and we cannot fix them. We pray and forgive them for the things that they know not what they do. Your future depends on forgiveness. Don’t look back to yesterday. The bible tells us this. Put it in God’s hands today. Ask the Holy Spirit for guidance. He will talk to you. You have to walk away, forgive, and let go Joan. Write again sometime. God Bless.
well it is bad enough that i had a wife like this at one time, and now there are so many women that are like this today.
My best friend J is bipolar. I love her with all my heart but i just don’t know what to do. She tells me that she doesn’t want me to contact her but then she gets mad when i don’t call. I really want to help her but she doesn’t take her medication and then she blames everything in her life on the fact that she’s bipolar. I’ve tried to walk away but she plays the “guilt card” and I feel like such a bad person for not being there for her. I just don’t know what to do. J’s sister texted me today and told me that J’s daughter committed suicide earlier this week and then she told me not to contact J anymore.. She texted me from J’s phone so I don’t know if it really was my friend J or her sister. I want to be there for her but if she really doesn’t want me to contact her, then i want to respect her wishes. i really don’t know what to do.
Stop letting her yank your chain and call the shots. You are experiencing bipolar-by-extension-syndrome. If you want to remain friends, let her know YOUR boundaries. For example, you will stand by her and be her friend regardless of her mood. That means that when she’s depressed and sees everything in a negative light, you will call and check on her and let you know you care, but you will not be made a scapegoat for her moods. As for her blaming bipolar for all her troubles, it’s much more understandable than you can imagine. Try to remember that her brain is damaged. When she makes horrible decisions it’s because her brain isn’t capable of rational thought at times and causes her to do self-destructive things. Then, recuperating from those mistakes seems insurmountable given the tendency toward depression after the mania and bad decisions. Help her get good professional help. If she will allow it, offer to go to the doctor with her. Sometimes people with bp have very little insight into their mood swings and actions. Having a loving friend help the doctor see what’s going on might be crucial to getting the right meds. If she completely shuts you out and refuses to abide by your boundaries after you’ve tried everything, you have every right to walk away and find a friend that can reciprocate your friendship.
Good lord! Her brain is not “damaged”. That is the sort of term you use if you want to plant the seed of stigma.
Sorry. That wasn’t intentional. I was just trying to point out that bipolar brains don’t function the same as most people’s and it isn’t fair to expect them to. People who are not familiar with the disorder often think bipolar is just used as an excuse for bad behavior and I was just trying to point out that their bad decisions are a symptom of the disease. I’d be the first to say (and have said repeatedly) that people with bipolar are often brilliant, creative and incredibly courageous. Some of the most famous artists, musicians, comedians, business tycoons, etc. have been bipolar.
Thanks Lori. I have let her know my boundaries many times but then I give in again. I don’t even know why . I’m usually very strong willed and I stand my ground but I can’t seem to do it when it comes to her. I know it drives my husband crazy because one day, I’m mad as heck at her and the next day, we’re best friends. He doesn’t even want to hear about it anymore and really doesn’t want us to be friends because of the things that she has done. It’s easy for him or anyone else to say just “walk away” but it’s hard when you care about the person. There are times that I actually do think that we would both be better off if we ended the friendship for good. It makes me so sad to think of never hearing from her again though. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that i need to stop letting her call the shots. I guess I never really thought of it that way but you are right. Every time she says she’s sorry, I accept the apology. I am hurt, angry, confused, scared and just plain tired.
It is always hard to say no to someone you love. Especially if you understand her suffering, which it seems like you do.
In the end, relationships should have an equal amount of give and take – no matter how ill you are. I can honestly say that despite my illness, I am a good friend. I’ve fed people, picked them up when they needed a ride, taken frantic phone calls in the dead of night (which is not a big deal really because I was up anyway), loaned money to, and given people a place to stay. Sounds like too much? Not really, because I’ve encountered a great deal of kindness myself! Maybe not lately, but definitely – in my life I have met some truly kind people.
But if you find yourself exhausted by a person, maybe it’s time to weigh the benefits of continuing in this friendship versus the price you pay for staying. In the end, you may find a very manipulative and self centered person who couldn’t even be bothered to drive to a station down a hill, where you had ended up around midnight because your flight was delayed. You may find that your safety didn’t mean a thing to them at all.
And you will mourn the passing of what was once a good friendship – one that has been slowly eclipsed by the weight of her needs. What a bum deal! But at least you did all you could and you can walk away knowing this.
Sure, you may find yourself disappointed – but in the end, you’ll be able to live with the knowledge that you did your best and it is her loss in the end.
Thanks Judy. I read your response last week and i knew that what you were saying was what I needed to hear but I just didn’t want to face it. You are right when you say i will mourn the passing of our friendship. I know that I’ve done everything possible and it still wasn’t enough. I am done beating myself up over it. I know that i must wish her well and move on. Some days that is easier than others.
Don’t look back. Don’t even waste another beat of your heart for her.
Hopefully, she will have the decency to leave you alone, and my guess is she is probably not wishing you well at all.
Hi Natasha,
This blog is making me tear up like you won’t believe! I have been in a marriage of ups and downs 11 years, 3 kids. My roller costa is; 6 months a year great happiness, then 6 months of rage, depression, recklessness. Year after year for 11 years.
Unfortunately for me, I have very racist, hateful in laws that in situations where he has battered me, or been absolute reckless with his own life, it’s because I asked for it, or because he doesn’t want to be married to me.
The only thing I have done, is whenever he goes through his moments I try to pick him up, encourage him, love him, support him through it!
I have to deal with being a single parent 6 months every year, watch my kids’ hearts broken because their father is weird, and doesn’t care, then have to be constantly worried every time he is going through his mental illness phase, he ends up in jail, hospital, disappears for days or comes home beat up!!!
After finding out that my husband was briefly in a mental institute at 16, I am a little patient with him but still proceeding with divorce and full custody.,
None of it is your fault Mariam. Your in-laws choose to ignore his problem which is no support to you at all. Perhaps back then if they had not enabled him and stuck to their guns concerning his mental status and treatment options the problems you are experiencing with him today would not be so severe. He is also part of the problem and solution. You are right in your attitude to move past this situation for now. You can always remarry someday if he gets better. However, when that time happens if it ever does you won’t be interested. For you, your children, and your family you need to go forward. Don’t look back. Go on. You have done your part. Your in-law’s need treatment as well for their racist attitude. Mental illness runs in families I have found. Your family will love you, prosper, and support you in this very difficult decision making process. Peace and happiness to you and your family. God bless.
Good for you. I went through very much the same as you. It is horrible when they can be such a loving, wonderful parent and partner for long stretches, and then all hell breaks loose. I did not divorce my husband, but at times I wished I had. That’s not the point of my reply, however. My point is that your kids take their cues from you. If at all possible, please try to remain a consistent force in their lives and try not to let his moodiness affect your emotional balance. Even divorced, he will still have an impact on their lives. If they understand his mental illness at a young age, it is likely they will accept it with more grace and compassion than we adults can muster. My husband has a great relationship with his kids now. I have had to put my foot down and not allow him to be around us unless he’s medicated. I think the same should be true for you. If he’s medicated and stable he can see the kids, otherwise not. I hope you are able to get an understanding judge that will enforce these boundaries. Good luck to you!
Thank you for writing this article. Everything that I have experienced with my sister. It was nice to see someone share what some of us have experienced. Mental illness has a life of its own and it doesn’t have to be your life too. Walking away from a loved one is hard but sometimes it is the only salvation for yourself and your family. Laws need to change so that we can get help for our loved ones who refuse to get it because they cannot see their own illness. Some can but other’s can’t. All family members should have the right to commit their loved ones for treatment if that is possible in the individual. At least having the opportunity to return our loved ones to a normal state that we once knew them would be nice. Unfortunately, unless they hurt themselves or someone else nothing can be done. What a joke. Leaving you with the only option but to walk away further destroying that person. The world is cruel place for the mentally ill. God bless and thanks for sharing.
I disagree with your view in respect of allowing relatives to decide if a person should be committed IMO, this should only ever be a decision for independent specialist medical practitioners, and then at least three of them.
What you have forgottenI suggest, is that some ill people are quite capable of manipulating others to such an extent that they may convince them that it is the person *they* are abusing that is the one who is ill, and that they are the victim!
Moreover, one cannot rely on relatives not to abuse such a power and to have people committed just to get then out of the way, as was once the risk maybe less than 100 years ago.
Dear Natasha,
thank you so much for the.veracity of your article.
I am about to severe ties with my manipulative abusive older brother who refuses to.recognise he has symptoms of bipolar. I have been through hell with him and I am at my deepest ends.
The sad thing is that we are only two in the UK with no relatives to.support us through this.
I have now realized that my brother will never change. It took me six years of pain to realise it.
Everybody is in denial in the family and expects me to.shoulder all the pain and stress.
I wish my brother well.
You are doing the right thing. I wish you new found peace and happiness.
I want to start off by pointing out the false comparison that people keep on making. When you have cancer, diabetes, asthma, or any other physical ailment, you are still responsible for getting help. It’s either that, or die. A person who is mentally ill is in the same predicament. Get help, or die.
My partner has diabetes, hypothyroidism, asthma, and anxiety. He’s also really paranoid because he’s always accusing me of doing things like hacking his phone and computer using my video games consoles so that I can see him go crazy. He sees a doctor for diabetes, hypothyroidism, and asthma, but he refuses to see a mental health expert for his anxiety. He was recently kicked out of the house by my father (who owns the house) because he called the cops on me after refusing to let me leave for half an hour. My dad doesn’t even want him gone permanently. He just doesn’t want my partner there until he get’s help. I’ve been crying off and on since then because he blames his mother and me for his situation. I feel so guilty about everything, but if he doesn’t get help, I can’t help him.
First – saying get help or die to someone who has suicidal tendencies is not really helpful. If you catch them during a phase of depression, they just might do that. Like cancer, diabetes, etc., occassionally – even if you’ve done everything you can – you can still have complications or symptoms.
Your father did right by not enabling him. The blame game is one part of the mental illness. I have gone through all of this with my own sister. My mother tried to throw out my sister who bullied, mentally and physically abused my mother right up to her death. As my mother lay on her death bed she blamed my sister for her demise. My sister made her very, very ill. She has done the same to me and it will continue to happen to you unless you take a stand on it. Your parents have made the right decision for all of you. Ask the Holy Spirit or who you believe in for guidance. Your answers will come. I wish all of you peace and happiness. I pray your partner gets the help he so desperately needs. You are in harms way with this kind of person. Perhaps it is time for you to move on. Don’t cry. Better days are coming I can assure you. One day you will wake up and know you have had enough like your parents and you will move on. You are right you cannot help him. Next move is his. Good luck and much happines in the future.
It’s been a roller coaster ride and I decided to get off of it with love. My heart is so, so broken, but I know I have to take care of myself first. My exboyfriend was dx w/bipolar about 6 months ago and to some extend I was relieved because I had been living with Dr. Jekel and Mr. Hyde. It was and still is amazing to me that he could seem quite “normal” one minute and then say something very hurtful and not see the pain he was inflicting… Ultimately, I moved out. I feel so bad for him, as everything I read especially “Unquite Mind” by Dr. Jamison, (not sure on spelling) allowed me to understand this monster disease. He broke my heart repeatedly with horrible accusations and name calling. He is very remorseful much later & i’ve accepted all his “sorries” with grace. However, loving him is much more than I can possibly bare – although I wish I had a magic wand to make him better, I wish I was more patient… I know intellectually I’ve turned over every rock that I possible could to support him and be his biggest cheerleader. However, I know this mental illness is life long committment and he’s only been on meds for a short time with hardly any behavioral therapy… I feel so crappy.
Don’t feel crappy. You woke up and realized you needed to move on. In your realationship Love iIS NOT Enough. Perhaps, in time, your partner will get better but won’t remember much of his behavior. It’s mental illness and you didn’t do anything wrong. Move forward and make a fresh start and happy life for yourself. You’ve seen the symptoms and you will be on high alert should you encounter and I hope you never do again. Peace and happines to you.
If there is anyone who is a Christian and has followed what I have written,please pray for this girl caylen’s heart to change. Also for her stealing and vandlism to be exposed so she will feel ashamed of what she did to me and repent to me and repay me for what she has done.
If she has mental illness she won’t. Broken commandments DO NOT go unpunished. Due season for her Ms. Smith. Karma to her. Move on. God will not leave you unrewarded. Peace and happiness to you.
I am so glad I found this blog today. I am in the process of leaving my husband of 11 years. 1 1/2 years ago we found out he had bipolar, PTSD or Boarderline Personality Disorder. I have 2 young children. I have always ignored his lies, horrible words, rants and raves, and physical abuse. I alway protected him. He still today lies about everything (he doesnt know I know the truth) and when he finds out something I have done wrong he tells me what a horrible person I am. I have to protect myself and my kids. My children called the police on him when he was physcially abuse so he lost his job. All he can do is blame me because I let them talk to the kids. I really just want to run away and hide. I guess it is just nice to know there are others out there like me and understand what I am going through. I need help also though. He moved out a few months ago after I told him we could no longer live together. Now he is struggling to keep a float because of his job loss. That he also blames on me. Mental Illness effects so many people. It is so sad.
The number one thing anyone in the mental health setting will tell you is to take care of yourself. They say this because they know the spectrum of someone with an illness. I had a brief engagement to a man whom, after we got engaged was dx with Paranoid Schizophrenia and some sort of PTSD. I do not know, how many people would enjoy being called a slut or a whore or accused of everything under the sun, but after about 8 months of this illness, the drinking, the drugs, the horrible things that would come out of mouth, the other girls that he would want attention from, the constant dissatisfaction with everything, the lying, bringing drugs into MY home- when he didn’t even live there… I left. Do I feel bad? Yes. I am I hurt? Yes. Will I ever forget the way he looked or how he acted for no reason, with no apology, no remorse? No…. I thank God everyday for revealing this to me now and I stepped away to unblur the lines. I no longer wanted responsibility for him, and the more his parents got involved they understand and would say that he needs you, and I would say, no, he needs help, there is no relationship. He caused damage to my family, to my son, my parents, his parents. He can function when he wants but other times he just goes without cause. Thank goodness I did NOT marry that man.
I am a professional in the field and helping people with an illness is A LOT different than marrying one.
He still holds power over you by not forgiving him. Use your own good advice you give your patients and move on to a better place in yourl life. Yes, thank God, you did not marry him. Holy Spirit is powerful. Peace and happines to you.
Plus she uses the batman name to ,I guess pretend she is batman because she thinks that she got away with all stealing and vandlisim. BUT REALLY SHE’S THE PENGUIN.plus lol,she thinks she is like a ninja,but really she a mouse or rat.
She won’t be on this site Joan. They don’t give a crap about what we say and they don’t like to read about themselves or what others think about their disorder to other people’s lives. She’s off in her bat mobile somewhere!
Plus she harms animals to release her anger and her family are hunters.so they don’t care much for Gods creation. CREEPY people.
Creepy yes and more than BP I suspect.
Caylen is the girls name she is 21 and very evil.
She is using people and harming them by stealing and vandalizing there homes.
She works as a intern at a church, her mother works at the church as well.even though Caylen
Doesn’t get paid,she has convinced the older adults in charge there that she is trust worthy.
That’s a laugh. She has stolen from church as well. Because she is 4 foot 9 and a hundred pounds and has a face of a mouse.
People are thinking she’s not going to comment crimes.people are so foolish.
She has even convinced some older person colette that she used to know.that she’s innocent and she using her for free stuff also , anything her evil heart wants
BP is a selfish disorder.
If you lived it you truly understand what the author is stating. I supported a very ill wife, who I still very much love by the way, why she called the police on me, filed for divorce, dug up the floor and drilled holes in our home and had zero insight to the damage she caused to me and our four small children. She left on her own a year ago and there is nothing I can do about it. I make sure she has a cell phone and health insurance – she won’t let me do anything else. I keep the door wide open for her return when she decides to get better.
When I read this I almost cried. I do have a big problem with it, though. Where do we draw the line? Your way of handling it makes sense, but is it really the right way? I don’t know myself. I understand exactly what you must be going through, and no, we can’t make decisions for others, but there must be something that someone in a situation such as yours can do (?) She may never come around (to her senses)… your children won’t understand now,… and if ever comes a time that she does snap out of it (into it?), it could be years from now and she’ll be devastated that she let her years as a mother to those kids pass without her being there. I too, have someone very close to me who I could see acting in the exact same way as you describe your wife acting. It’s so sad if you really think about it. My heart goes out to you, for what it’s worth.
No, she’ll probably never have insight to the pain she’s caused you. There are some very highly functioning people with bipolar (like Natasha, apparently) who seem to have a much greater insight and grasp of consequences. There are also those like your wife. If it encourages you at all, I’ve been there. My husband is completely out of his head when untreated, and does pretty well when treated. I’ve actually had to kick him out twice for months on end when he’s stopped treatment. I always do like you and keep him insured and provide him groceries when needed, but won’t let him back home unless he’s getting treatment. He always comes back, but always resents taking his meds. I’ve managed to raise our kids fairly well despite the chaos his disease brings to the family. I just talk to them openly about their father’s issues and they accept him the way he is, but also support me in the tough love I have to show to keep him stable. Good luck. I know it’s very, very difficult. You would not be wrong if you divorced her, but I know that since she’s your kids’ mother, you know this problem is not as simple as others might think. Try to take care of yourself too as well as your kids. Find a support group or at least make sure you have positive ways to deal with the stress I’m sure you’re feeling. Good luck.
OMG Jim! You are one loyal loving husband. Sometimes, as much as we want and try, we can’t always fix the broken!
For your kids sake, close the door!
Im so sad and shocked that it seems everyone who has a mental illness has to be (according to this webpage) either a drug user, verbally or physically abusive, a gambler, a lying cheat dead beat loser, a pain, ect… REALLY?!?!??! Its very offensive. I have never done any of these things. I have Bipolar disorder. My everyday is a living hell usually. But, I love my family and friends, I give and contribute to these relationships. I don’t rage on anyone. I conduct myself well in public and private. I cry each day, but I do no harm to anyone. Im even apoligetic to everyone and try to smile and give my best when they are around. There are people with mental illness who remain good citizens, loving members of families and society. When this is the case, there is NO REASON IN HELL for a loved one to leave the person!! That is wrong. And you should make this scenerio clear somewhere on your website. But I think what you are really saying is, “Screw em all, they are too much trouble, let’s all be selfish jerks who think more about ourselves, as staying with someone who is sick at all would not be ideal.” Horrible. Are you perfect?
Really? Have you ever dealt with a mentally ill person? Do you realize that this article is one persons experience, that the comments are all the experience of different individual people. I believe that those with Schizophrenia are more inclined towards violence and drug abuse, please read this article from the NCBI (http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/12042226) to educate yourself. This is also my belief because this weekend my sister decided to give me a black eye and bruised arms/legs during an attack because I wasn’t willing to babysit for her. And this morning I am going to file a restraining order and report this to DHS because I am a mandatory reporter. So do I think that all people with mental illness are violent/drug users, no. But do I believe that the people who have commented here or the person who wrote this endured abuse at the hands of their mentally ill relative/friend, yes I can believe it.
Not to mention if you do not like what is being said here don’t read it.
I know this is old, but I wanted to clarify what this study says. To summarize, the study says that it is generally accepted – meaning people think violence and schizophrenia is linked.
This study critically examines these studies (that lead to this generalized belief) and found that there isn’t a high correlation as we are generally led to believe. If there is a correlation, it is usually due to comorbid substance abuse. The overall correlation, even with substance abuse, is consistently below 10%, meaning the majority of violence in society is attributed to something else.
Read the following result and conclusion carefully:
RESULTS: Most studies confirm the association between violence and schizophrenia. Recent good evidence supports a small but independent association. Comorbid substance abuse considerably increases this risk. The proportion of violent crime in society attributable to schizophrenia consistently falls below 10%.
CONCLUSIONS: Less focus on the relative risk and more on the absolute risk of violence posed to society by people with schizophrenia would serve to reduce the associated stigma. Strategies aimed at reducing this small risk require further attention, in particular treatment for substance misuse.
In short, it is important to read the entire study, or in this case, the entire abstract.
You couldn’t be more wrong in your perception of this website. First of all, Natasha suffers from bipolar, so she certainly has not set up this website to bash people with bipolar. More importantly, you’re looking at a page that addresses “when you should leave someone with bipolar”. Clearly, those whose loved ones are successfully dealing with bipolar are not coming on this site – it’s only those who have out-of-control loved ones who are commenting here (and a few others who want to offer encouragement). If this doesn’t apply to you, feel happy. Be encouraged that you are so much more functional than many who suffer from bipolar. However, do not bash those who are truly dealing with these very, very difficult circumstances. These are true stories about some of the most difficult cases of mental illness. People would not have a hard time leaving their bipolar friend/family member, etc. if they didn’t love them. It’s not easy and they deserve a place to vent and get advice as well.
Lisa, obviously you’re projecting because Natasha is not addressing EVERYONE who has a mental illness. She’s specifically addressing people with mental illness who are a danger to their significant others, friends and family – be it physically, mentally or emotionally. I have bipolar disorder also. I am not a danger to my family or friends. I did not find this post offensive. The fact that you do says there’s something going on with you that you’re not addressing or not admitting. Either way, I agree with her 100%.
A mental illness is not a license to abuse others. I can be a nasty person when I’m hypo-manic but at no time do I expect my family or friends to put up with me. In fact, I generally appreciate the fact that they don’t put up with me because that way I have less things to be embarrassed about when I return to my right mind. At no time do I want people to help me be a manipulative, ungrateful, abusive b@tch.
It is my responsibility to do everything I can to treat my mental illness and if I choose not to, that’s also my responsibility. Having a mental illness doesn’t mean I’m not in my right mind 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It means I have ups and downs, which I can’t control, but when I’m in my right mind, I can definitely take the steps necessary to minimize those ups and downs. I know my family loves me but at no time do I expect them to give up their lives for me, if I’m not even willing to help myself. That’s not love. That’s enabling and codependency. The last martyr died on the cross and I’m definitely not willing to climb up there with him.
Cerentatee, What a beautifully written, articulate, sensitive response you’ve written! I wish all people with bipolar, and their families, could read this. So often we human beings have so little insight into others’ perspectives, but you have expressed an unusually honest appraisal of what it is like from both perspectives. Well done!
My sister is schizophrenic, diagnosed at the age 13. She severely abused me mentally, emotionally, and physically. Now that we are adults she is continuing to abuse me mentally/ emotionally and now financially. As a working student I try very hard to save money, but my parent’s (an engineer and librarian both gainfully employed) barrow money from me regularly because she needs money constantly and she will never say what the money is for. My mother drained my wedding fund (2500.00) to give her money, borrowed 700.00 from me in the last two week, yet when I say that she is being manipulative I am the bad guy. I am the bad person because my sister is sick and I am well. Forget that she destroyed the car I loaned her, forget that she stole jewelry from me, forget that she calls me every name in the book when I help her, forget it all because she cannot do any wrong. My mother is blaming me for causing problems. Should I just walk away? I cannot continue to stand the abuse and then guilt for standing up for myself.
I cannot give you advice, but can offer experience which might help you decide. My brother was wonderful, growing up. After thirty years of marriage, I got divorced and my brother asked me to come live with him. He is diagnosed bipolar and pretty good about taking his meds, but they are only partially effective. I soon realized that I could not live with this person that my brother had become. His life was exhaustingly chaotic as he was in somewhat of a manic state. The home was in a constant uproar as he somehow was a bum magnet. Drunks and drug addicts and their out-of-control children were constantly on his doorstep or staying at the house.
So i bought my deceased parents’ home from my brothers and moved there. A few years later when my brother was very deeply depressed, i asked him to come stay with me until he felt better. That was a peaceful period of about a year because all of his so-called friends had abandoned him.
But then, the mania came back and so did the money-grubbing bums. Now this formerly successful man has no savings and often has to borrow from me just to make it to his next social security check. Meanwhile, he’s taken on two additional unhousebroken dogs. He’s spilled countless cups of coffee and plates of food on my once new carpet. The house smells like a kennel because he feels it’s okay for them to mess in my basement and even encourages it on wet or cold days. He hired one of the bums to help redecorate my 4×10 foot hall. By the time they destroyed the thermostat ( resulting in a $450 electric bill) and moved a freezer without unplugging it first ($100 food loss) and had me paying that kid by the hour (a higher wage than i make) to talk on his cell phone most of the time, it cost me about $1500. The woodwork is primed but not painted and the wall is only partially papered. After all that, my brother told that drug-addicted kid that we would babysit his very active 3-yo every saturday.
My brother gets wild-eyed and furious if I dare breathe a word of dissatisfaction or make any independent move to try to alleviate any of my domestic problems myself. It insults him if I try to hire outside help to fix anything that would likely remain unrepaired or a ghastly mess forever otherwise. He often insults anyone I hire and denigrates their efforts, openly accusing the of overcharging and questioning their methods. Yet, he hoards, uses my home as a storage facility for other people’s unwanted property, strews yard implents and junkers throughout the yard and loses and demolishes countless items from kitchen knives to computers.
I am 63 years old. Breathing the fetid air and living in that stress destroyed my immunities. I was sick almost constantly. I moved to a trailer just to distance myself from the ongoing wreckage of what should have been my home. He pays me a fourth the going rate for rent of the house just so I can cover the taxes and insurance. I barely get by. My salary is often not enough to cover my expenses and I have to borrow from my ever-dwindling savings account more and more. But the air is fresh and clean and I am rarely ill any more.
You have a future ahead of you. You deserve a good life, especially after what you have endured in the past. My brother was good to me growing up. Even now, many of his intentions are good. It sounds like your sister has never been good to you and that now, her intentions are simply self serving. The parents are enabling this and hooking you into enabling also. You deserve better. You deserve peace.
I am convinced that my sister has no insight into her illness. Or maybe she does a little but the illness has taken over so much of her she can bring herself to get help, or trust those of us who love her and believe she needs serious medical attention. She was recently arrested for disorderly conduct- yelling at a man she believed was teasing her (maybe he was) calling him homeless and telling him to get off “her” property (bus stop). She kicked his personal belongings and didn’t calm down when the police arrived and was therefore arrested. I found out through public records and offered to go with her to court. Instead, she yells at me to mind my own business. I go anyway, after writing letters and talking to her defense attorney and the prosecutor and submitting a letter for record with the judge in hopes that if she is found guilty, they will seek mental health treatment and not jail for the common criminal. Apparently it wasn’t the first time the responding officer has had to deal with her. They offered her dismissal with mental health treatment or trial. She chose trial and she won. Ironically she has made friends with a MUCH older man whose agenda I can’t figure out. He seems to think she needs to be managed and our family just has a communication issue- she has mood swings, that’s all. Um yeah. Buddy, she either has paranoid schizophrenia or paranoid/delusion personality disorder and are trying to get her serious help. I’m not sure what to make of the mystery man or where to go from here. We are planning a trip to see family and will be taking my mom. We cannot possibly take my sister given her condition but part of me feels bad for leaving her behind. She isn’t safe or stable. How badly should I feel? I’ve procrastinated buying tickets or making any plans thinking what if something happens while we are away for 7 days. Then I wonder if I should go through the rest of my life and deprive myself or my kids of a sense of normalcy for the “just in case” something that could happen.
Hi Nancy,
I would just tell your sister that you noticed she is not herself and offer to go with her to seek help. Don’t tell her what you think is wrong with her because (1) chances are you may be wrong (paranoia is a symptom of many disorders); and (2) she will probably become defensive and it will further exacerbate her paranoia. If her symptoms are as bad as they sound, reason probably will be ineffective anyway.
A good professional will be able to help overcome both issues – when she is ready.
If she is not, and she causes undue stress in your life, it is best to go your own way with an open door policy. It is hard, but I recommend limiting the judgements. Try to imagine yourself in her position and go from there. She will appreciate it once she overcomes whatever it is she is going through. Good luck.
Hi Judy, thank you so much for your words of encouragement. I certainly agree with everything you suggested, it’s just taking the step towards doing it all is the issue. I realize that her paranoia could be a symptom of any number of things and that I shouldn’t judge. Since I have posted on this site a number of times I left out a great many details which led to my assumption of her diagnosis. Although I realize she cannot be diagnosed without being seen, I have met with mental health professionals who made some guesses as to what they issue(s) might be to help me better understand what we are potentially dealing with, how at risk she is, and the likelihood of her actually getting help. She assigns meaning to actions, the lack of action, inanimate objects, sequences of events, etc. seeing things are good or evil. She had a delusion my mom was abusing my 4-year old daughter in front of her so literally took her out of the home and held her against her will until my husband and police arrived. She yells at total strangers to get out of elevators, common areas, accusing them of spying on her and even sometimes blocking their passage. She thinks my mom poisoned her food, that we are sinners for sitting in a back pew in church. She had a delusion that someone was sexual abusing my 4-year old son in front of us so confronted him. She was recently arrested for disorderly conduct because she caused a scene by yelling at a man at a bus stop in front of the condo building that he was homeless and needs to get off her property. She lives in my mother’s home (my mom lives with us now because of it all) and things go missing because they are old or need fixing, there was something wrong with the painting of Jesus, the clock cover needs to be made new, there is something “wrong” with the lamp or a picture. The list goes on and on and we have been living in a complete nightmare, one I would not wish on a single soul. Mental illness is not accepted and we cannot help her since she is an adult. Our lives have seen more police officers, mental health professionals, a commitment hearing, and recently a court hearing because of her illness. We have tried to talk to her and she runs away or aggressively yells at us to mind our own business. She has isolated herself from everyone she has ever known, only befriending a man many years her senior who seems to think there is nothing wrong with her, that she just needs to be “managed” like a child and our family “just has a communication problem”. We have had more tears, sleepless nights, and feeling so sick with worry and helplessness that we can’t figure out how to go on, even for the sake of trying to give my kids a normal life. We should walk away or evict her but can’t make her homeless But we can’t be around her. But we , I, feel guilty any time I try to do something “normal” like take a family trip. She needs help and can’t be talked to. I even tried to be nice the the strange friend she has made to figure out who he is and maybe get him on our side, and that hasn’t worked.
Oh Nancy! I am so sorry. I didn’t know it was that bad. What a tough situation..
Maybe you can ask a professional how to deal with someone who is paranoid? It seems this is the primary reason why you can’t get thru to her. Once you can jump over this hurdle, perhaps there will be some progress. I am not a professional and wish I could tell you the best way to go about it. I would guess establishing trust would be a primary goal.
There has got to be a support group for caregivers who have been where you are now that can share what they did. Perhaps call NAMI to see where? Since you don’t know her diagnosis, go to several?
I hope it will work out somehow.
My wife has had paranoid schizophrenia for last 16 months. We have been together 35 years and married for the last 9. She refuses to get help because she claims of course there is no problem.
She thinks the house is bugged with hidden cameras and people are trying to kill her. Spends 20 hours a day on the internet typing psychotic notes and will type the same sentence thousands of times over. Poor hygiene, never, ever leaves the home and so on.
I don’t know how much more I can take of watching her live this way and I’m worried about my health. I lost my job because I was in sales and couldn’t sell any more and at the age of 56 I can’t even find *any* job. I live in Illinois where you couldn’t find a job at a McDonald’s unless you’re lucky.
If I stay with wife I feel my life is doomed and if I go, I don’t know if I could live with the pain of leaving my completely helpless wife alone without money or food in a house without utilities. Eventually the bank would throw her out.
Talk about about feeling helpless and ready to ‘jump out of your skin’. I don’t know what to do and that is what is going to kill me.
Make a plan and stick with it. Going back and forth will kill you and probably makes your wife even more insecure and paranoid (even if you don’t think she’s aware of your ambivalence). I was able to get my husband in for counseling by telling him “I don’t know if it’s you or me, but I just can’t go on the way it is.” He really thought it was me (he said), but the minute we sat down on the psychiatrist’s couch, he was crying and telling him how he knew he wasn’t “right”. Meds can help. The economy will get better. There is hope, but you have to be proactive. If you have to leave her, talk to her (and her friends and family) first. Try your best to get her to seek help. If she still won’t, you may have to leave to get her attention. You can’t work miracles, but you can do everything you can do, then if nothing helps, you can walk away with a clean conscience.
He’s65.
My wife started taking & then snorting oxycotin and after 3 years of marriage and spending our savings left.shortly after she moved in and got engaged to her dealer,the same man who stole her dads wife.she’s 24,he’s675.now she’s back,and only because if she leaves our 3 yr old daughter will probably be living at least some of the time with them& i couldn’t live with that.she’s currently in treatment but not for her mental.she is a cold person & i don’t know what to do.im a smart, but all i can come up with is to stay,never be intimate,but learn to be happy while honoring my commitment at least until the baby’s out of the house.or maybe forever.just as friends.is that crazy?
Yes, I do think that’s crazy. Why would you stay with her knowing she’s a serious drug addict and subject yourself and your child to her instability? Men get custody nearly 100% of the time in these kind of circumstances. You just need to document her drug abuse and inappropriate behavior. I’m all for staying married to someone with bp, and know it can work, if both spouses are committed to the marriage. Being a chronic drug abuser is a deal breaker. If she’s really sobered up and is getting treatment for the bp, y’all are getting counseling, then it’d stand a good chance of working. Being the child of an alcoholic and bp mother, I can tell you first hand it’s not only the spouse that gets abused – it’s the children. The damage is life-long. I married a man that was bp because that was all I knew and felt comfortable with it. Fortunately, I realized this early on and he has gotten treatment and has been a good father, but it took me confronting my enabling behavior and him taking responsibility for his actions. Please consider going to a support group yourself such as Al-anon or joining a bp supporter group. Your child will need a good example set for her about setting boundaries and loving unconditionally – believe it or not, these are not mutually exclusive.
Plus I forgot to mention, that she left on my house walls ,pictures and furniture her make-up and body fluids . All kinds that only a woman can produce ( monthly)a black light helps with finding this things.I wish I knew what I could do legally to prove this?
I had a friend, who I was always helping with her daily social problems and she would say out of the blue really hurtful things to me.i would ask her to stop, but she wouldn’t. She was competive, judgmental and had a hot temper when it served her, that only i saw.she was interested in a guy that she meet in a social group.he was kind to her but never asked her out.she found out he was dating a girl from the group, and she lost her mind.she vandalized my house,all my belonging.left poison on my couch.small enough for only my dog to find,but I found it first.thank goodness.I confronted her about it and she blame me for him not dating her and she said, that she did all that to me because she was jealous of me etc…
I talked to the man that helps run this group,because she works with children and he didn’t believe me.so I hope she gets help,because if that girl he’s dating get married.i don’t know what else she will do.?
Wow, very well written article. I can so relate to this because I continue to struggle with a best friend who has had me in this exact sort of predicament for the last 8 years; and it literally has been “hell”. Someone I love and care so much about, who refuses to get help for herself and constantly ends up abusing me physically, emotionally, and mentally to the point that I feel as sick as she at this point. She says one thing one day, sweet and apologetic as can be, then the next thing you know she is turned into an absolute monster and I can’t do or say a thing to get her to get any sort of real help in any way, because she won’t listen to a word that I or anyone else says. She has this ability to always forgive somebody for what “they’ve” done to her, no matter how severe it is – just upon seeing them afterward (at some point in time) and them approaching her with any sort of compassion or cheerfulness, which makes for a self-destruction path for herself that is beyond belief just about. I’m so at wits end, fearing for what will inevitably happen to her, while at the same time fearing for my own health and sanity, to the point that life has become near impossible for me (to have one, that is). If I could only establish a permanent “trust” with her, I feel it could be OK. But after so many years of this roller coaster ride that seems to go on and on forever, I see now that it just is not possible. I want to let go so badly in my mind, but in my heart I can’t bring myself to do it. I really have tolerated so much, I can’t begin to put 1/2 of it into words here. People I tell about it, end up in utter disbelief at what I’ve been through and tell me, “You have got to let this GO, or you’re gonna end up dead, in prison, etc..”, and you know what? They’re telling me exactly what I would tell myself from the outside, if I was looking “in”. So does this indeed make me as sick and hopeless, in my own way, as she apparently is to me? The pain in all this is unbearable to me almost.
I was married for 13 years to a woman with BiPolar II. I am adding this post to give another perspective on “leaving someone with mental illness”. I would seem to have been a good match for someone with a chronic illness. I am and have always been extraordinarily thoughtful and empathetic – nurturing to a fault. The kind reader has no great reason to believe me. People lie most extravagantly on the internet and the preceding description sounds much too much like typical date-site blather; long walks on the beach and “a romantic at heart” and so on. But, let me see if I can paint a word picture that the reader with find believable.
Long ago, well before I met my now ex-wife I was young and free-spirited living in New York City sponging off relatives and I was in love. I worked in a huge gleaming tower in Manhattan with a woman who was so amazingly beautiful and intelligent and graceful that she seemed like a transcendent sylph floating ethereally in the sea of grey colorless drones in late 80’s unisex power-suits. Eventually we would date for two magical years but this moment in time is before. It is the first day of spring and I am bounding down 7th avenue with joy in my heart. I am tall and thin with bright optimistic green eyes and a shock of blonde hair cut in a rakish flattop. I am both over dressed with a broad-shouldered St. Laurent dress shirt and under-dressed with light blue stone washed jeans and I am carrying 4 dozen tulips in a huge bundle. Passing through the whole-sale flower district my fertile brain has hatched a plan. I will give every woman in my office a beautiful fresh cut flower as a clever pretense to give one to my elfin beauty. By the end of the day she will have absconded with almost two dozen flowers from other womens’ desks proudly displayed in a huge crystal bowl on her desk and we both will know without saying that magic will happen.
And freeze…. I am caught in mid-bound both my feet off the ground perhaps just about to make the sharp left turn onto 46th street. Let’s introduce my ex-wife to the tableau. She is small and stocky and her eyes burn with the enjoyment of unfettered malevolence so that even her stance is somehow threatening. Let’s give her an appropriate instrument. How about a nice sturdy long handle frying pan? Her first act in the frozen scene is to smash the bundle of tulips to the ground and utterly pulverize them. My gifts, my kindness, my joy in giving mean nothing. Again and again I will pour thoughtfulness into the empty pit of her need stunned when she answers kindness with brutality. Next she uses every bit of her round shouldered might to smash the frying pan full into my handsome young face. I am ugly and fat and old and useless. Then, brimming with spite she crushes my knees a rain of blows. No longer will I bound. My happiness is meaningless. Controlled with abundant threats and curses my only purpose is to feel the lash of her endless frustrations with no more will than a houseplant. Lastly she gathers her might and enjoying the feeling of unbridled expression she smashes my crippled body to the ground with a roundhouse blow to the shoulders. I will go no further. Her anxieties and obsessions will keep us pinned in a crucible of unhappiness. Looking beyond my mangled spirit in a blink she smashes the memory of my elfin beauty. There is no love for me. It is an alien emotion that I observe in others with a helpless longing. Not satisfied she takes her prodigal frying pan to the tall shiny buildings and all the people in them. Although she is always right there can be no observers. I am isolated without friend or family in the world. She is now on an empty virtual plane alone with her victim to lash for all eternity.
Yes victim. I have no doubt that I was chosen from the herd and prodded towards the finish line for exactly the qualities she worked so hard to crush. What’s the point of crushing something that does not break? At the point of spiritual extinction where the only other option was to submit to being a battered husband did I finally gather my courage and break free. Most would have fled long ago.
So why did I write this? Mostly for myself I guess. It’s been a couple of months since the divorce and I am beginning to question the likelihood that I will ever heal. Desperately lonely I joined a dating site and arranged a first in person date with a woman who lived nearby and had some shared interests. She called me to cancel because of a conflict with a medical appointment. And… my spur of the moment response was…. to offer to accompany her to her appointment. On what planet would that be an appropriate first date response? It’s hard to pick out which one of my emotional scars is less attractive; low self esteem, low life goal horizons, excessive neediness or overwhelming desire to be nurturing to someone, anyone. I’ve suspended my dating attempts until I get my head together, perhaps permanently.
I wrote my own response to this article before reading yours. This sounds oh too familiar to me and my heart really does go out to you. I just wanted to let you know that your story illustrates to me that not only does it happen in all “walks of life”, (for I believe myself to be perhaps at the opposite end of the “social and economic-spectrum” as you are /were), but that, (good or bad), mine is not a unique problem. I thank you for that. Truly.
*Note: and as one might notice, in my own writing, I tried to reduce my involvement with ‘said person’ to mere “best friend”. While we never married, we very well could have in the first couple of years going in. For what it’s worth.
I am a daughter of a father I loved more than anyone. In childhood he was loving and affectionate. I was his blond, blue eyed little girl, and he loved me. I had two sisters. Being the youngest, it wasn’t until my oldest sister was safely esconsed in boarding school and then college, and my second sister away at school, that my world completely changed. From pre-adolescence on I just remember regular cycles of screaming, ridicule, mockery. I would sit at the dinner table with tears streaming down my face as he vented and yelled until he finally lost steam. Then I would quietly crawl up to my room and sob. I spent my life trying to please him, and it was never enough. I scrubbed all the woodwork regularly because he hated it dirty. Etc. And between the outbursts he was fine, normal, talked to me, and I would start to let my guard down – and Wham – there he was again screaming. At me. My Mom was there most of the time, and she never once defended me, told him to back off. She and my sisters were the one “off limits”. I was the scapegoat. Or, as my fathers favorite two putdowns, Hopeless and an Idiot . I luckily met a very laid back, kind boy in college, we married, and two wonderful kids, and I poured my love into them. The happiest period of my life. My children have just finished college. Because of events I won’t go into here, I am estranged from my whole family. My father died five years ago. When I tried to talk about his behavior, and its affect on me and unfairness to my family, he just flicked me off like one would flick off a bit of lint on your jacket. It was the last I spoke with him. to my family I am the disloyal demon that hurt my father!!! I have come to terms with my father and family. But one of my daughters has begun the very same patterns of love/abuse. She will not see anyone. She made appointments but then didn’t show up. but I am her “it”. I am in such pain at times, I cannot go through another round of this. She had been the most loving, caring child I ever knew, and now she is mean, manipulative, uncaring and says the most devastating things to me. I think I’m slipping away – I love her so much, but I KNOW from experience she no longer places any value on me, or our relationship. I can hope, but I know she will not change. A transformation has taken place, and she is not that sweet girl with the light in her eyes anymore. I have bouts of depression. It is usually mild, sometimes worse, and I get help coping. I have had panic attacks since I was a teen. I tried medication when I was 38. I found a very low dose of effexor(1/2 pill a day) helps with the mild depression, and the temper problems I was starting to exhibit that reminded me of my father. I take Xanax, and it has been a godsend. I know people abuse it. I’ve taken it for 18 years. No more panic attacks. I could do normal things people take for granted. No side effects – I’m not drowsy, loopy…. I am just normal. I don’t have to leave situations, avoid situations, or cope with trying to hide a panic attack because I can’t leave (which is pretty impossible).
I had a schizophrenic brother (he died a year ago) and its so true that your life gets dragged down the toilet along with theirs. I learnt that I could give some support, but I would otherwise need to maintain distance. So I brought him furniture, and gave him a $25 a week to help out a little with food since he couldnt work. I would visit for an hour once a fortnight and on birthdays, but I had to step back, despite his loneliness. My involvement or efforts to help him just ended up with me being exhausted and frustrated and having my life dragged down the toilet. I know they are suffering, but you dont owe it to them to have your life destroyed aswell. There needs to be more government provided support I think.
So our life continues. It continues to feel like we’re all living in this perpetual nightmare or watching someone else life. After hearing that my sister is becoming more aggressive/angry and discovering that she was recently arrested for disorderly conduct, after seeing her on Easter looking as bad as she did with a much older man in a relationship that I cannot explain or begin to understand, after fighting with my husband and leaving him and my kids to walk in the rain and cry, I decided to see someone. To get some sort of control. I saw a psychiatrist to try to understand what we are dealing with since she won’t get help. He is very concerned about where she is headed and just gave me tips and referrals to see a psychologist. I saw the psychologist and she just said how sorry she was for me but that for my next visit I should come up with goals that we can work towards together. Friends are referring me to friends to talk to or offering to talk to share their stories. But the drama continues. I tried to talk to her to let her know that we’ve received complaints about her harassing neighbors from the condo association. She called them lies and ran away. I got a chance to tell her we love her and miss her but she needs help. She didn’t get a chance to let me say anymore. Days later she slips $600 under my door for our mom, to repay her car insurance from last year. Today, she slips $400 under the door to pay back for groceries and gas from last year. She also leaves random gifts at the door. Should I be worried she will hurt herself? Do I wonder if this is just her way of connecting without actually talking to us? Do I wonder is she is just trying to “make nice” because she has a couple of court dates coming up? I want so much for her to keep her money (wherever it is coming from) and for her to stop leaving gifts in our hallway. But even if I get angry and ask her to stop, she keeps coming by. So do we let her and just not acknowledge it? If I call to say thank you, that would be opening up our door for her to show up and try to act like everything is normal. I keep thinking if we give her the chance to be normal maybe she will come around and accept help. But we’ve tried that so many times over the last couple of years and instead of help, every interaction just gets worse. The psychiatrist I saw admitted to not being able to diagnose her without talking to her. But his assessment is that given her history and downward spiral combined with her quiet psychosis, she is a “ticking timebomb”. How awful. So life continues and I don’t have any answers, I don’t even know what questions to ask. How to feel. What to fight for.
had to put to rwst my best friend and Hello. I am no professional. I can write a book. Not now
I will first of all give you my experience strength and hope.
I encourage you to focus on yourself more. I am happy you went to an psychological evaluation.Now you know your not “crazy”. I was so OBSESSED by another person places and things. Today I am joyous happy and free.
For years I blamed others for my problems. I today enjoy doing things foe ME to make me happy. I know me. If you know yourself then you’ll learn not worry about what sister does. Hopefully she will find help. I did from more than 1 source. Unfortunately, til she finds help she could go insane meaning doing the same thing over and over again expecting the same results) in jail or prison where its not a nice place but at least you know where she is at for awhile. Lastly she can be at her final bottom which is dead. That sounds cold but that is REALITY.I had to put to rest my best friend and the father of my only two sons 5 years ago.
Can I ask what your husband was like. Things with my husband and I have been really bad and he suffers severe rapid cycling bipolar. We have a daughter and it hasn’t been good for her. Whilst no physical abuse, a lot of emotional abuse and aggressive behaviour. We aren’t working well together and he currently isn’t living here. How does one cope leaving their best mate and husband who you love and care for so dearly but it just isn’t working!:(. How did you cope with his passing ? That would be so hard for me as he says our child and I are the only things that keep him alive ! He’s at rock bottom!:(
Holbolee, My husband sounds very much like yours – rapid cycling bp. He has never been physically abusive, but the emotional roller coaster, verbal abuse and extremely aggressive behavior is plain scary. You didn’t mention it, but is he seeing a doctor and on meds? My husband takes lithium and something else to help him sleep and it works pretty well. However, over our 29 yrs of marriage, I’ve had to kick him out twice for more than 7 months at a time. Both times he’d decided he didn’t need the meds and I was the problem. I just repeatedly told him, “I love you, but I will not live with you without your bipolar being controlled. If I’m not here, who will you blame for your problems?” He ranted, raged, called incessantly, threatened to harm himself, etc. The second time around my kids were college age and, thankfully, were fully supportive of my decision. He’d call them and whine about me kicking him out and my daughter would just say “Daddy, you know all you have to do is take your meds and see a doctor regularly”. I think the answer to your question about how you cope with losing your best mate and husband is that you accept that people with the manic and more aggressive form of bp are particularly hard-headed and will not see themselves as the problem and fix it until they DO hit rock bottom. Also, their rock bottom is so much lower than anything we would tolerate, but ultimately, it’s their decision. You can’t force him into anything. By refusing to tolerate his behavior, you aren’t losing him, you are, hopefully, helping him save himself. If he is on meds and seeing a doctor, then I would suggest you get a second opinion. It doesn’t appear he is even close to stabilized.
Hi, My husband has severe depression and anxiety, and he has Non verbal learning disorder which makes it impossible to shower. He is not abusive, he sometimes loses his cool and yells at me but he apologizes afterwards. I love him, but part of that love I am afraid is co-dependent. He is in therapy but wasn’t working very hard on it, and he takes meds but they don’t work. He keeps missing his doctor’s appointments, so it takes forever to get him to try new meds, and when he gets new meds he’ll forget them.
I have a mental illness myself (Dysthymia, which is a low level depression, as well as PTSD and a dissociation disorder). I also have fibromyalgia. This makes taking care of him so very, very hard. I work and go to college, and I’m almost graduating, in a few months. I have told my husband that I felt he was not working hard enough on his stuff if I looked at how much effort I had to put in, and that if he didn’t shape up I was going to have to start considering leaving him. I really dont want to, but I am getting hurt with all the stress of taking care of him. His bad moods and depression and problems always seem to win over mine, he is always worse.. it’s so very hard.
It did help to tell him that I wanted him to work harder on it or I’d leave. There is this thing of ‘hitting bottom’ at which point someone sometimes sees they have to get serious or lose everything. I’m afraid the bottom of most other people described in these reactions is much, much lower than of my husband. I am so thankful he took my warning seriously. He is now in group therapy, and is making progress. It is progress in millimeters, but it is progress.
THe problem is you can’t say ‘I’m getting harmed so I have to leave’. Everyone has to give and take in relationships and sometimes it does include getting harmed. Sometimes you keep trying and get more PTSD and more problems and your financial life is never going to be safe and dependable and you will never have children and you will never have a ‘normal’ life. But that is also because of my own stuff, not just his stuff. Just, how do you know when enough is enough. I guess that’s personal for each, when is the breaking point. How much can you give.
I think if you go to a point that you wouldn’t be able to recover anymore from it and the person you’re trying to be with shows they will not keep you from reaching that point of no return, you have to say ‘if you don’t work on this, I”m leaving you’. I mean, why are the people who started helping someone with their mental illness automatically responsible for them? Why are we the ones who have to take the abuse again and again without recourse? And we get attacked for putting up limits? I love my husband ,but if he cannot function at all I am not able to take care of him. I am not strong enough. In that case, he needs to be in a home or a facility, not with me as his caregiver. Because that’s not a marriage, that’s a live-in care arrangement. And that is too hard on me. When other people give up on family members with mental illness wayyy faster and they don’t get yelled at. And they don’t get hurt.
The people who come here in pain because they had to leave someone should be respected for all the pain they’ve taken from their loved one, for how long they’ve held out, and for the care they still feel for that person, or they wouldn’t be here speaking of it. If you have to yell at people, yell at the ones who drop people with mental illness like a hot potato. If my husband would not keep working on it and I would have to leave, I’d try to leave him in a place he could afford with his SSI and try to arrange meals on wheels and stuff, but I would not do it in my name. It would all have to be in his name, so if he refused that and messed it up he would have to deal with the consequences. Sometimes you have to leave someone’s care to the professionals, and if they can’t help, why would we do any better? It only makes life hell for us. Thank God I don’t have to go there and I think he might keep working, keep trying out medication. As long as he tries and works on his health there is hope, and then i think I can m anage, unless my fibro gets worse. We’ll have to see, I can’t predict the future. I can only be grateful for his willingness to take me serious in the here and now.
Well said. What many people won’t understand is that people with Dysthymic Disorder, like you, are typically ultra empathetic. So, you won’t just sympathise with your husband, you will feel his pain, and that will make it all the more difficult for you to care for him or to leave him.
Wow, I never heard that before. I’ve always said I truly feel the pain of others. It’s nearly overwhelming at times. Good to know – I’m going to look into this. Thanks.
Hi Amaranth, I’m so sorry you’re having such a rough time. It probably won’t surprise you to know that many people supporting bipolar partners have depression themselves as well as fibromyalgia and other auto-immune disorders. Most of us believe it is stress related. Your comment is so articulate and shows you are a person with true compassion. However, I think it’s important that you get counseling or perhaps just read a book (or three) on enablers, co-dependents, etc. One of the many hard truths that those of us with bipolar spouses have to recognize is that we came into the relationship (most likely) with these hang-ups whether from abusive parents or other co-dependent relationships. If we left our spouse without getting help for our own enabling behavior we’d probably just end up with someone else with similar issues. Also, I personally realized that I actually made my spouse worse by my enabling. You’ve made a lot of good choices. You’re going to school to better your career, you’ve told him he needs to pull more of his own weight or you’ll have to consider leaving him. You should also consider getting a support group for yourself. I’m part of a support group on Yahoo groups that is called spouses2bipolars. It’s really good to have a sounding board, but also these people have been where you are for a number of years and have really good input. Whether you choose to join a group or not, you really need to start taking care of yourself emotionally. Spend time with supportive friends, family, exercise, etc. (You might also find that your enabling extends to friends as well. Please consider this and be more deliberatively when choosing your friends. I so relate to your post. I love my husband too, but it’s a struggle at times. On a more positive note, I’ve been married now 29 yrs to my bp spouse. We have two lovely children just graduating college and he’s been a very good father for the most part. He’s very close to our children and they seem very healthy and well-adjusted. This wasn’t easy. I’ve had to kick him to the curb for extended periods of time during the marriage in order for him to take me seriously when I told him he has to be on his meds, has to do what he can to contribute to our marriage, etc. I’ve had to learn about tough love and I still hate it (but he’d never know it!). Good luck to you. I think you’ll be fine.
Sometimes I wonder if the universe, powers that be, God, or whatever one believes in, grants us a little quiet from the chaos to allow us time to heal from the pain of a loved one with mental illness, to heal “just” enough for us to be dealt the next blow so that it doesn’t break us. It seems to happen to me. While I don’t talk to my sister, she has a habit of calling or coming to our house, just to drive by it or stare up at our window. But I haven’t noticed anything in a while. Then we find out from a neighbor in the building she is living in that she is becoming angrier. She yells at people to got off the elevator when she is on it. To get out of the laundry room when she is there. She randomly calls a young lady on the floor “bitch”. Followed her on and off the elevator and down the hall until the girl asked which way she is going so she can go the opposite way. The girl admitted to not making eye contact with her and purposely going out of her way to comply with my sister’s “wishes”. Apparently a week or so ago, when the girl was in the laundry room and had her basket on the dryer, my sister walks in and announces she is using the dryer and threw her basket against the wall. It scared the girl, especially since they were in an enclosed space. She filed a complaint with the condo association but not the police. Literally after getting off the phone with the girl, I do a random cyber search on my sister. I admit I do this. Just to see if anything comes up. And there it was. Apparently she was arrested for disorderly conduct a week ago. I have no details beyond that. Another neighbor said she looks like she is getting worse by her appearance. She showed up today with baskets for the kids and random things for us. She definitely looked bad. Ironically, she was with an older man who said he was just helping her carry stuff and quickly left. When I asked if she was okay, she got skittish and left, got in his car. A very nice Acura SUV. What in the world is going on? Meanwhile, I am slipping into depression. I feel it and can hear myself. I left my husband and kids this morning after the encounter because I could not express my grief. How do I check on her and just “act friendly” when I know she is terrorizing neighbors and getting arrested? The moment I say anything, she bolts.
I also wonder what is the right thing for us to do that this stage? Check in on her and hope and pray that one day, she will open up and want help? Keep at her to get help? Ignore her all together as much as possible? Does this just make her worse????
I have bipolar 1. Sounds like she is expansive in mood, with no insight at all, and putting herself in potential danger. She is neglecting her needs. Psychosis set in yet? Based on what you have told me, she needs more MEDICATION, and hospital, but I am not a doctor, so get her to one. In my country you can call the police/ambulance. She might not forgive you if you get her committed. Only other option is to wait until it settles down on it’s own. That could take a while, and will most likely get worse. You personally, or any one else, would not be able to reason with her.
For yourself, sounds like you need a proper break, not a hair’s breadth of one. She is lucky she has you in her life to care about her and she doesn’t need to lose you. Also a professional and sensitive counsellor – not a sign of weakness, it’s a tough role you play here. No excuses, just do it.
Thanks Sarah. I know I need to talk to someone. I’ve only had experience with one therapist and it was not helpful. But I know I need to talk to someone and will make it a point to find someone this week.
As for her, I don’t know what country you live in and what they rules are there. Unfortunately, in the US, and specifically in certain states, people have the right to refuse treatment and while we can try to get her involuntarily committed, which we have tried, the system is “imperfect”. I’ve posted on her before, but last July she thought she saw my mom abuse my 4 year old daughter and took it upon herself to save the day. She took her, out of the home, and wouldn’t release her. Thankfully she didn’t leave the condo building but my husband had to forcibly take my child back when he finally arrived. The cops said she is crazy and suggested she get help, but when she refused, that was it. They left. So I called our local Mobile Crisis Unit who agreed to have her detained. We had a hearing a few days later after she was observed and we were interviewed. It appears that since she did not leave any marks on my child and she was able to shower and apply for food stamps to eat, she was not deemed a danger to herself or others.
She is not on any medication and has not been officially diagnosed that we know of (she is an adult that would need to sign a release). I know she has suffered from delusions, erratic/aggressive behavior, etc. This has been going on for 10 years or so.
I KNOW everyone is different. But given where we are today and where we’ve been, what is a different way forward? Tell her we’ve received complaints from the condo association from different neighbors and demand she stop (it’s my mom’s condo)? Offer to help her again? Let the chips fall where they may, ignore her and hope that she continues to get into more legal trouble where they force her into treatment?
She thinks we are the problem and I don’t know that I would even get a chance to say anything- again, simply asking if everything is okay made her entire demeanor change in a second and she ran.
I wanted to chime in to this thread by simply saying that we all have had our own personal experiences with this disease be it one we suffer from or that we suffer because of our loved one who is plagued with this illness. The system is broken for all of us, sadly. The system protects, and I use this word loosely, the person with the illness. The family virtually has no rights unless you have been successful in obtaining something in writing from the courts, guardianship for example. In the past 3 weeks we have obtained 2 mental inquests on my mother and also had her go to the hospital of her choice to voluntarily sign herself in for help. Here’s the madness part, the hospital wouldn’t admit her, and would only address it as as outpatient. She went back home again, and again, and again, and so on, etc., etc. to deal with her demons on her own and however she wants to or not. She mostly chooses to not take her medicine, because if she did take it, I wouldn’t be talking to you all right now. She has had this for over 20 years, can anyone see the progress that she’s made in the 20 years of pain. Our family has suffered from this as much as she has to some extent. We live with it daily, 2 decades and counting. Can our family survive another month, year, or dear god another decade?? We too are hanging on by a thread, some of us have suffered anxiety, some insomnia, some simply have bottled up their emotions to the point that they are a ticking time bomb. Our government has succeeded in protecting the rights of individuals that have this illness, which by the way, lacks any common sense and is an out right disgrace in every way. Do I need to mention Newtown, what happened that god awful morning?? I have given up on our health system, and our federal government when it comes to getting help. We are on our own, they have thrown it back in our laps to deal with over and over. It’s a broken record, we live in the ice age where mental illness is concerned. So I ask you, when do we walk away, for our own health’s sake and sanity, when do we as a family, son, daughter, sister, brother, get to make a choice to leave, and try to pick up the pieces and hope for a bit of happiness?? Every person has the right, just like the individual who suffers from mental illness, don’t you think, to stay or leave, to take your meds or not, to get help, or not. My mother on medication is a splendid individual, and beautiful soul, a kind person with a big heart, a sweet grandmother, and then… the fallout.. she doesn’t think she needs it anymore.. and then the nightmare starts all over again. A new person emerges, an angry, hostile, psychotic and dark person who is virtually unrecognizable to those who know her. She stays unkempt, up all night chanting, with delusions from every corner of her mind, and yet the hospital says, she should be treated as an outpatient. She has remained an outpatient on no meds, no help cause she doesn’t have to, because she likes feeling this way, sky high one minute and low the next minute. I will make this decision one day, and get out of this prison I have been sentenced to with my mother which has been most of my life, I am 48 now. I would like to get 25 years of that back to be happy and painfree from all the grief this illness has caused, suffering associated with trying to get her help too many times to count. I wonder how much my pain and suffering is worth since our so called health system denied their time to help her. I hope you all make the right decisions that are right for you, no one is here to judge, this is not a one size fits all, and I hope you all find some peace.
Do we deserve to be left with no one?
I don’t know, perhaps, maybe not. One thing my disorder gives me is the ability to make people laugh but when I come crashing down or frustrated because I can’t calm down I go into my own world. I’ll do what needs to be done in regards to work or home but my anger or utter sadness turns inward to myself.
As for my personality typical Cancerian, hard on the outside, soft on the inside but family and friends are everything to me, which is why I found it rather hard when my best friend/boss decided it was best we weren’t friends.
Before she said she can no longer be friends, in a cry for help I reached out to her. She knew I had been feeing down for awhile and was concerned but when I needed her to just say “it’s going to be okay” she ran.
I was hurt and I got angry at myself thinking I was a worthless but then I wonder, did I just have poor judgement in the company I held. I had never asked for anything, yet there were countless times I was there without hesitation, I couldn’t understand it. I do think it scared her and the logical part of me says it’s better for her, so I guess we are just left with our meds, doctors and therapy trying to vanish into the crowds or queues because there is only so much we can control and prevent.
Alana, Of course you shouldn’t be left alone with your meds, your doctor, and yourself. Look, I don’t know enough about your friendship to offer any real help, but you know your strengths. Perhaps you don’t realize how your moods are affecting those around you. Perhaps you’ve hurt them without realizing it. We all do it, but people suffering bp disorder seem to have thoughts flying through their head so quickly they don’t guard their tongues as carefully as they should and don’t even remember some of the things they say. Or in more depressed times they have a tendency to be so down they see everything through a negative lens, including their relationships. I think it’s very important to realize this and make sure people you care about understand it. I also think it’s important to make amends even for things you didn’t intentionally do/say that hurt another person. It gets old. I know. Even those of us without bp struggle with this, but not as often. Maybe you should be more discerning when choosing friends. I guess all I’m saying is to be more deliberative when dealing with your relationships. Pick decent, compassionate people to be your friends, be honest about your bp disorder and ask for their honesty in return, try to recognize the moods for what they are and be mindful of your heightened emotional state (when it happens) and try not to put too much of that emotional baggage on people you care about. Again, it’s what we all need to do if we want lasting relationships, but it’s harder when you have a chemical imbalance. On the other hand, I couldn’t be witty and creative if my life depended on it… so also keep in mind that your mind is a blessing as well. Good luck.
Thank you Lori. What you have said makes a lot of sense and whilst I don’t want to blame anyone, I think making amends would be a good option rather than dwelling of what I have lost.
I’m not perfect but no one is even those who don’t suffer from bipolar. I guess we all just have to go with our instinct in choosing friends but if it doesn’t last then thats okay.
Thank you for your reply, I really do appreciate it as it has actually lightened my load and is a better way to look at the situation, rather than self blame. Thank you!
Hi Alana,
The last thing I would ever suggest is that people with a mental illness should end up alone. I never did and never would suggest that.
Like I’ve said over and over, the vast majority of people with a mental illness are perfectly lovely people who socialize with others and building relationships just like everyone else. We are as worthy as anyway else.
That doesn’t mean there aren’t challenges, but do we deserve to be alone? Of course not.
– Natasha Tracy
I am in such a bad place, my mother is completely off her meds and is totally irrational, and is getting kicked out of her apartment, and no one in the family wants to deal with her anymore. She has no money, no way of figuring it out. It has literally been thrown back in my lap as though I am responsible for this problem, and this person who has alienated everyone she has ever cared for or has cared for her. Why the hell do I feel like I gave birth to this, when it was HER who gave birth to me?? Did I mention this has been going on for over 20 years? I can honestly say with all my being, I AM EXHAUSTED emotionally to the point, that I am numb, drained to the point of a new level I didn’t think was possible, and I feel completely helpless and completely ALONE. I am a changed person. I am unable to feel happy right now, it a bad place to be. It’s a place I was trying so hard to NOT end up, I am soooo angry with her, and I want her to take this situation somewhere else. I hope you all don’t judge me for how I feel, I have housed her, fed her, worried about her, still enjoying sleepless nights, and have suffered in pain, physical pain from the stress, and now it has aged me. This illness is contagious, and affects those that care, or are trying to make the person do the right things. I feel like I am screaming in silence, but nobody hears me. I need to find the strength to help her again, or the strength to let her go. I need to make a decision, before this completely engulfs me and I can’t get out of the burning building. Thank you for allowing me my voice this evening, I am waiting for a miracle.
Hi Kelly,
Ah. The silent scream. I know it well. I have screamed it many times. Perhaps not for the same reasons, but scream, it’s still the same. And I know many have screamed it right along with you. I’m sorry you’re in that place. It sounds very, very hard.
What I can tell you is that my father was in a similar situation and my answer was to get him into a program for alcoholics at the hospital. This didn’t turn out to be what happened, but is it possible that there is a program for low-income people that might take your mother? Is there a social worker you can report her to? Is she a danger to herself? Does she need to be a ward of the state? Because if no one in her life can look after her, that’s really the only other option.
Is their help available to you, maybe from an organization like NAMI? Can NAMI give you the names of someone else who can help? Have you tried looking for resources through helplines? There’s a mental health help finder linked on this page: https://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/
I’m sorry, it’s possible you’ve been the rounds with all of that. I’m just trying to throw things out there. One thing I will say is that in the fray of looking after another person, try to take a moment for you. You deserve that. You don’t deserve the pain of this situation. Try and take a break, even just for a minute, from the stress.
And just know that I don’t judge you at all. I am not where you are. I cannot possibly judge you. Only you know what is right for you. And feelings aren’t to be judged, they are to be worked with, which it sounds like to me, you’re doing to the best of your ability.
I hope expressing your voice tonight helped, even just a little.
I’m hoping for your well-deserved miracle.
– Natasha Tracy
Natasha,
Thank you for the kind words during such a turbulent episode with my mother. It’s another chapter, in a very long book that doesn’t seem to have an ending yet, neither happy or sad, yet. I took out a mental inquest today, 3rd one since late 07. This doesn’t include others, it’s just what is in the computer as most recent at the courthouse. Door number 3177 downtown, remembered it from last time, sit down and state your case. I wish I could copy and paste the comments as I sit there. The young woman there says, so tell me about your mother and what you are here for. The young woman is very pleasant, so I have no problem telling her what I am there for. I am alone again, sitting in the same chair as last time, stating my mothers case. Yes, she is manic bipolar, yes she has schizophrenia, yes she has psychosis, these are the medicines she takes or is not taking. The young woman says, wow you sound like a doctor the way you talk about your mom’s condition. After 20+ years of this, I guess I should sound like that, or I am a recorded message from your local Mental Illness Broadcasting System. I am waiting to here if she has been transported to the hospital. I want everyone on this site to know, that I am a fair person, and I have tried so hard to ensure that she stays on her meds, but she doesn’t like them or want them because they make her feel too evened out. That’s the only way I can describe it I guess. Not everyone is as bad as my mother, their symptoms aren’t of this magnitude. I simply want to say that I want to have a life too without the mood swings, minus the mania and the psychosis, and enjoy my own kids without worrying about what she is doing and what her behavior has caused. I pray for you all that suffer from this awful disease, because it is a disease like any other except one for one thing, it affects so many close to you and ruins families, and lives, it takes you down like the titanic if you let it. We all have different stories to tell, different experiences at different levels of the disease. God Bless you all
My apologies Natasha. I must say I was vulnerable at the time of reading your blog, with my best friend “leaving me” recently.
I understand what you were trying to say, in that it can be damaging to both parties. We are capable of abusing other people, whether we are a drug addict, an alcoholic or somebody who physical assaults someone close to them. With people suffering mental illness, some of us may not understand that it is hard for someone who loves you to see you shut away in darkness for days or tip-toeing around you incase you suddenly switch or having to reassure you that life is good and all you want to do is die. It’s emotionally draining for them, just as it is for us to go through these cycles.
It can also be harmful for us, family members for example don’t want to or believe that you are unwell. And it plays a very heavy burden so you try to hide as much as you can, when sometimes all you want to hear is “are you ok?” or just a hug. You don’t want a cure or a solution, we have to make those steps and decide for ourselves, we just need understanding.
So again I apologise if it sounded like I was debating the notion, as your thoughts do hold sense and substance.
Cheers Natasha.
DO WE DESERVE TO BE LEFT WITH NO ONE
What gynocentric balderdash. ARE YOU ENTITLED TO DRAG SOMEONE ELSES LIFE DOWN THE TOILET WITH YOU. I think not.
To any reader involved with a bipolar, drop them like a stone. You have one life to live, do not waste it on a damaged individual. They only get worse. What ever you do, do not reproduce with them. BiPolar-Scizophrenia is genetic.
Wow. Sorry you’ve had such a tough time, but your relationship with someone who is bp does not necessarily mean that is how it is with everyone who is bp. Yes, it can be horrible if the bp person refuses proper treatment, but every individual is different. Yes, run away from your bp relationship. That person clearly has caused you a great deal of pain and bitterness. However, do not paint all people suffering from this disorder with a broad brush – it’s incredibly offensive. Remember, it is a disease, not a choice. Those who chose to deal with the disease properly and fight the good fight every day deserve better.
Jesus, hmm the name is so fitting for you.
Everyone is entitled to live their life but please don’t generalise from your own experience, afterall we all make our own choices. If you choose to go, how did you put it, “down the toilet” with someone who suffers from bipolar that was your choice. And as for the do not reproduce, god you might as well have used the word “breed” seeing as you’re referring to these damaged individuals like they are another species.
So Jesus, are you the saviour for all of those involved with people suffering from bipolar. Hallelujah!! And hows the wasting time going? Looks to me like you have it sorted especially when you read blogs about the disorder and are able to respond, not to mention the hatred you’re holding onto, must make living your “new” life amazing.
Now that you have been so insolent in your words, let me share mine. I wouldn’t breed with you whether you had bipolar or not, it would be because you are a weak, narrow-minded individual who can do nothing but spit out words with venom. Bipolar sufferers aren’t the only so called ‘damaged’ individuals, they are everywhere. Starving, homeless, victims of sexual or physical abuse, the list goes on but we deal with it the best we can because we don’t quit even though at times it’s hard not to. So remember that, because you too have a choice before taking a path.
Just imagine if everyone thought like you do Jesus (Jesus?). Aside from the severe prejudice, you give a person absolutely no hope towards any sort of future. Someone that suffers from a severe sickness, I might add. I hate to think that there are people like yourself who have absolutely no compassion nor emotional empathy what-so-ever in this world. Obviously, there are, and to me that is very very sad. I’ll pray for you and yours.
16 years on May 27th and my partner is still with me. I’ve stole, hit or abused her, and now that we know what it is I’m stable as I can be. As my therapist says “No one holds a gun to their head” if someone is being abused and not leaving then there is a reward they are getting. Maybe they like feeling like a martyr. They get a lot of praise “you are so wonderful to stick my her/him, I don’t know how you do it!” They are co-dependent, enablers, and they just don’t respect themselves. All they know is how to care for everyone else but themselves. Even though I’m the one with Bipolar I find myself in the role of taking care of everyone but me. Until last summer when I made the decision to help myself, to put myself first. I love how it makes me feel, and I respect myself. It isn’t always about the mentally ill person.
Well, there is some truth in what your therapist said, but it’s not nearly the whole truth and rather demeaning (to both your spouse and your relationship). Almost every person that stays with an abusive spouse has been abused by a loved one before – usually a parent. They learn from a very young age to love someone despite the abusive behavior. Their whole perception of what a relationship is supposed to be like is skewed and usually they are already so beaten down don’t feel worthy of (or comfortable in) a healthy relationship. Also, they feel uniquely qualified to deal with an abusive loved one because they learned to deal with their abusive parent, and worry about what would happen to their partner if they weren’t around to take care of them. IMHO, it’s more a warped sense of their own purpose/identity than anything else. I’m glad you’re learning to take care of yourself and treat yourself with respect because the old adage is true…. you can’t truly love someone else until you learn to love yourself. (Please note I’m purposefully distinguishing between an abusive spouse and a bp spouse – you can be one without being the other).
Totally agree with this article and its made me think or realise that I was enabling my husband. I have gone through 16 years of therapists, medication, support and always being there, being supportive, and taking a lot of verbal abuse as well as breaking things, ranting, raging etc. He has finally decided that he is unhappy in the relationship, he is unwell and wont change, he believes he is fundamentally selfish and needs to leave. I am not going to stop him because we have a child and I no longer want this life for me and my child. I can look back and say that I did my best and I have no regrets with reference to support given to him. I just cant continue devoting my time, life and making sarifices for him. It is a relief in many ways and that fact alone tells me that any love we shared has been slowly destroyed and diminished and has been ripped apart by his behaviour and words. I look forward to a life where I can start looking after my needs and that of my child. A life where I can look forward to coming home and know that it will be more peaceful, predictable and stable.
I absolutely agree that illness or not, we all have choices and are responsible for our reactions and behaviour. I think its ridiculous to tell a partner that you have an illness and therefore any resulting behaviour etc can just be brushed aside, no responsibility taken for hurt or harm caused. Ilness may explain some behaviour it is NOT an excuse for same. I personally think its used to abdicate responsibility and not look at setting personal boundaries around behaviour and words. Illness doesnt mean open season…..
I have been reading the responses and stories of so many of us dealing with this stage of the illness and our time of reckoning. There is so much pain involved with each and every story, it is such a waste of life and happiness. We all have our breaking points, which differ from each and everyone of us. Some of us have children that are grown, some of us have young children, and some of us are hoping to have a family, but can’t imagine juggling mental illness and a family. I often wonder, who can I blame for the lack of attention, loop holes and disregard for the mentally ill. It seems as though we have given out so much love, care, and time to this disease, yet it still prevails, and in some regards is stronger than it ever was. I just don’t know if there is an answer, but I just want to blame someone. My heart goes out to everyone, and I wish you all some happiness and peace which you are so deserving of. It’s probably too late for us, but I hope one day, society, and our health system can get a better handle on this awful situation. We all know, this disease does not just affect the person with it, it impacts families with devastating consequences.
That’s exactly it… when you’ve done all you know you can do, then you can walk away without regrets. You can’t stay married all by yourself. I he won’t get the help he needs to get better so that he’s not abusive and always got you on an emotional roller coaster, you should part ways. I told my husband, “maybe when you realize how miserable you still are without me, who will you blame then? We are still together many years later, but it comes with terms regarding his disease management. Anyway, best of luck.
How do we live our life when our loved one, who so badly needs help, won’t get or let us help her get it? How do I live in fear everyday that I will run into her at church or the store, that she will in our parking lot when we leave the house, or that when we come home there will be something at our door? We’ve tried returning her gifts as a sign that until she is willing to get help, we do not accept her the way she is. We even told her as much. She brings stuff back. We refuse it and she gets angry. A month will go by and she brings it all back to our door again. We take it back. Another month goes by and here it is again. Bags of Christmas presents with $20 bills slipped into this bag or that, into one of the 4 cards she got for each person. What do we do with it? Return it all again? Donate it and just return the money to her? Call her and tell her we don’t want to do this anymore? I know she is lonely and wishes she could be with family. But her actions scare me and my family. She took my child for crying out loud. I feel like there is no where to turn, no one to help us, nothing for us to do but just be. Just feel like we are caught in this never ending nightmare, waiting for something to happen, seeing her stand in the middle of the sidewalk, hearing about her lashing out at neighbors, knowing that she drives around in the middle of the night just lurking.
It’s been a very long while since I checked in on this blog, truly my only little light of comfort when my family started realizing the extent of my sister’s mental illness. We are going on a year since I was last around her. That was when she “saw” my mother abusing my 4-yr old daughter and decided to physically remove her and not release her. Nothing happened to her. After a couple of days of observation, they decided she wasn’t a danger and released her. That, and many experiences with her that followed, and my experience with the entire system has changed my life forever. My trust in a system that is in place to help has been shaken, I feel like a hostage in my own home as I know she drives around and comes to our home to watch us. Every holiday, she shows up with gifts at our door. Leaves them there or forces them on me. I have no idea where she is getting money since she doesn’t work, cashed out her retirement, and has no savings. I return them or reject them with a very clear message that when she is ready to let me help her, I will be there, but not until then. She just calls me rude and a bunch of other names. Turns it around on me that I just need to love and respect her. I am not looking forward to Easter. My mother is sleeping on our floor since she is scared to go to her house where my sister now stays. She can’t bring herself to evict her but won’t talk to her either because of continued behavior. We have become a family so wrapped up in individual grief that we can’t even talk to one another about her or anything else. We can’t feel happy, are constantly grieving and scared about what will happen to her or what will she do next. Our only way to cope is to not talk about it, but how long can that go on? We have become that family that our “close friends” feel sorry for. Friends my parents have known for years just feel pity for us, but no one can help us, and you can tell they are tired of hearing about it all. The solution seems simple. Shower her with love and maybe she will come around to understanding how she can be helped. Maybe that’s the answer. But is it really? What if nothing helps and being so involved sucks me right back in to a place where I cannot function? Every time she makes some sort of appearance or I hear something about her most recent event, I lose focus, get angry, lash out (dangerously). What is the right answer? Do I continue to just….not talk about her, not stay out doors, rush my kids from the car to inside fast, worry that any noise I hear is a knock at the door from her? She continues to live in my mother’s home and my mother on my floor? Do I welcome her back into the fold and put my children at risk? The ones I am responsible for? We have cut ourselves off from famiy and friends becuase of this grief. I can’t even bring myself to talk to them about it. What do you say? Sorry mother in law, you can’t come up for a visit with the grandkids- my sister is mentally ill so my mom is staying with us and we can’t do much because I am so depressed? I know this sounds so disconnected. I just don’t know anything anymore. My mom and I continue to go to NAMI support groups. But every single family there is a success in the sense that their loved ones sought help, continue to seek help, take medication (for the most part). They always have. I feel like even they can’t console my grief. And these people know what this is all like.
My heart goes out to you and your family and yes even your sister. I find it even more painful that even in your support group you aren’t able to connect w individuals that are dealing w the same things you are dealing with. I don’t have any answers to these questions. I do know what it is like to want to flee the situation and for various are unable to do so. I’m sure you have had many thoughts along the line of taking your kids and your mother and moving to parts unknown, if only for a short amount of time for some relief. W internet and all the ability to keep ones personal life private is becoming more and more difficult. Anyone w half a brain can “track down” someone in spite of the public promises that ones information remains private. (hmmmph! What a joke that is) That’s like having one of those warrants where a person is not to be within so many feet of another person. How many people have been hurt and killed that had those warrants issued but they were not heeded by the person it was issued to. There are people dealing w loved ones in their lives that have severe illness and there are no good outcomes for everyone involved.
I agree with Natasha….you can’t help someone who is unwilling to help themselves. There comes a time where you have to make a decision as to weather you want to live that rollercoster kind of life or not. It took my husband 10 years to find the right meds/treatments but all along he worked hard to get better so i stayed with him…..he knew my only rule ‘never quit trying to help yourself’ and he did just that for his and my benefit. We have been happily married for 17yrs. My brother is a different story….he does not want to accept he has a problem and get help. Everyone knows he is mentally ill….there is no doubt about it. He is extremelly toxic to be around and is killing my parents slowly with all his problems because they refuse to let him go. I have cut him out of my life and si has my sister and he knows full well that if we wants back in our life and our help he has to be willing to help himself and agree to get medical help. He has refused for more than 16 yrs so far and is jobless,friendless, homeless and has come near death many times….what can i do? Nothing. He does not want help and he thinks his life is great that everyone else has problems. It breaks my heart everyday. This story just proves thar each case is unique, some you have to help because they are willing to accept the help (like my husband) and others you may have to let go because they don’t want help and are poisoning your life. I love my brother and if ever one day he wants help i will be there for him. Never judge someone who decides to say goodbye to someone they love because they are MI because you have no idea what they have been through because everycase us different. People with a MI who get treatment should be admired because it takes great courage and strenght. Last if all if you live or have a MI person in your life get help for yourself too….NAMI is the best course i have ever taken…it saved my life.
I have been dealing with a mother who has suffered from this terrible undeserving illness for over 30 years and counting… The situation( if I may ) has reached a new level in regards to the severity of the illness with her. It goes without saying, we as a family have over the decades now, done as much as a family could do to help her stay on her medications, given her shelter, and retrieved her from some crazy, and somewhat dangerous situations that have led across state lines. From running away, (literally disappearing off the map), making very bad financial decisions, and putting our family thru just about all a family can take, taking herself off medication so many times, I have lost count, it pains me to think I have reached a point of “letting her go”. Don’t get me wrong, I have had more and more thoughts of, I just wish this problem would go away, she needs to go away, far from us, so as to not bother us anymore with this. This problem (illness) has invaded our lives and has penetrated so deeply in our soles, I don’t know if we would know how to function without it? On the otherhand, after so many attempts, year after year, month after month, of trying to save her, keep her on her meds, time after time after time, when do we get to say, I can’t take it anymore and walk, or runaway like her? So many tears, so many arguments, so many days of unhappy, anxiety, insomnia, stress induced illnesses, time away from our families, of experiencing life like so many lucky people do, years missed out on watching kids grow and enjoying our time together, peacefully, laying awake in bed wondering, what is she doing?? Not only is this illness HELL for the recipient, it is an hellish nightmare for the loved ones, caregivers, caretakers, all of the able, that we can’t wake up from. I am not looking for pity, or self proclaim, or even understanding, because i am not sure if it is possible for everyone to understand unless you have lived through it, experienced the ride, of having a loved one with a mental illness. I am sure the devil himself would love to take credit for inventing mental illness, who knows maybe he did, it would make sense to me, it’s that painful. Who knows maybe one day I might right a story of my life experience with living with this horrible infliction of living with someone with mental illness. Not sure I am capable of reliving the years, and pain just yet, it’s almost too difficult to recall. Thank goodness for selective memory, although darn it, those memories like to creep in during the night when precious sleep is what I need. Yeah, I have insomnia now, and anxiety, which contributes to the insomnia from the years of worry, stress, and years of being unhappy, sad, etc. So, I want to take this moment to applaud, and give a shout out, high five, to those of you with mental illness that have acknowledged it, owned it, and taken care of it. For those of you who have remained on your medications, (for the most part), been responsible for this undeserving illness, I thank you! It is an honor to know you, god bless you. For those of you who have taken the other fork in the road, put you loved ones through a hell no one deserves to put through, and I mean that if you have taken yourself off medication without consulting a doctor, just because you don’t want to take it anymore, then shame on you! Shame on you for all the time lost, and tears that were wasted, all the unhappy you have caused, just because. Selfish? You bet, so selfish and irresponsible of you to leave a trail of devastation of this magnitude. Just think, if only if only, you stayed on those meds where you would be today, where your loved ones would be today, the possibilities are endless. Thank you for hearing me and thank you for taking the time to read this. I pray that one day I can see through all this with clarity and conviction and forgive. I am getting there…
I’m sorry for the stress your mother has put you through. Not only was my mother bp, but so is my husband. (That’s a whole other topic – why children from dysfunctional homes seem to gravitate toward more dysfunction?) Anyway, I have two comments which might seem to contradict each other. The first is a question, if the bp person has a medical condition that causes their mind to not function properly, can you really say it’s shameful for them to not cooperate with treatment? Let’s face it, the bad behavior is a symptom of an irrational mind. However, I know with both my husband and my mother (both with fairly severe bp) we’ve had to dish out some tough love. It’s a fine line… too much toughness and they can go completely off the radar. Too little toughness and they just continue in their self destructive ways. I know my mom at least quit drinking when she knew we were getting ready to walk away and cut her off. This didn’t fix the underlying problem, but it was much more manageable. I’ve kicked my husband out twice, both times telling him I love him too much to watch him self destruct and bring the family down with him just because he wouldn’t take his meds. Both times there were months of him “going nuts”, but eventually he came back and got proper medical treatment and stuck with it (for the most part) for years. Wishing you good luck. One piece of advice I would give you would be to make the effort to take care of yourself. Exercise (yoga is good), eat right, get an occasional massage, spend time with friends. Sometimes caregivers neglect these things in an effort to be there for everyone else. Don’t do that. If you don’t take care of yourself, you can’t help anyone else.
You are very correct in regards to the irrational behavior that is associated with this illness. We have never experienced an occasion where she was so desperate that she came back wanting help. We have had to physically take her to the hospital and cross our fingers that they take her and keep her for treatment, only to start the process all over again, and again. I want to blame the health care system in part as well, they send them on their way before they are ready to face their demons again. Probably the most frustrating part of this for us, is the care available, or lack of, for the most part. It’s like giving a 5 year old a candy bar and saying now only have 2 bites and save the rest for later. The temptation is so great to go off the medication because of the highs involved with not taking it. I too am very sorry for all you have had to go throw x2. I know I am preaching to the choir, I am sure of it, and I want to wish you much peace and happiness. I try to handle my stress in a much more constructive manner, and am so much better now handling it than 10 years ago, thank goodness. Tough lessons to learn in life, but much needed for survival in dealing with this ongoing environment that we have been subjected to. Happier days ahead : )
I would like to recommend the book “I Am Not Sick I Don’t Need Help”, by Xavier Amador, PhD.
Dr. Amador is a psychologist who has worked extensively with people in mental illness. His brother was schizophrenic. Dr. Amador developed methods of relating to and supporting those with mental illness in a manner that increases compliance with treatment protocols. He shares these techniques with families and health professionals through the LEAP Institute and training program. The acronym “LEAP”: Listen, Empathize, Agree, Partner – represents the learned skills.
These are described in the book and illustrated samples of the skills are available in the website http://www.leapinstitute.org/
I wish everyone health and safety.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences.
I come from a family where my Father was a gambler and it made my mother sick. She had numerous nervous break downs while we were children and we basically raised ourselves. My father was a monster of epic proportion he would gamble away everything he had and I use to watch him win all the money in crap games and then lend the people their money back so he could continue to gamble and he would always wind up broke. Then they would take forever to pay him back.
I started working early in life because of my fathers ways. I worked my way through high school. I opened a bank account and put my mothers name on the book and gave it to her to keep I had $500.00 in it and never made a withdrawal She never had another nervous breakdown and she told me the doctor had told her it was not her who was sick it was my father and he was making the whole family ill.
His untreated bipolar sickness destroyed the family that turned on each other killing each other and I had to write the other bipolar members of the family off.
Money hungry sadistic idiots who have no boundaries when it comes to getting into your business but if you get in theirs boy will they read you the riot act all the while trying to get your money.
They hate me and my wife because we have bank accounts and money in the treasury and good credit.
They openly tell me you must be some sort of fool. If I had your money I would be doing this and going on vacations and you can’t take it with you when you die. I have been retired 23 years retired at age 38 and we are lower middle class more like poor.
I do not know how they sleep night with no money. Many nights they wake me up talking about their problems.
I have only one sibling left and everybody else is dead and I will not be letting her back in my life!
Bipolar disorder is no joke!
I apologize, I posted this same post, in the wrong place, so I’m reposting here, where it best fits. First I’d like to say thank you so much Natasha for your blogs. I met a hilarious, upbeat man last spring that I immediatly fell in love with. He made me laugh in a way I never thought again possible. I deal with Anxiety and Depression and have faced many traumas in my life. He advised he had the same issues as myslef and we bonded on that belief. I have a few friends who suffer bipolar disorder, but never really understood the full extent of the illness. In hindsight, I can see now that he was hypomanic the entire time we were dating but I didn’t know how to recognize it. Due to finances, he moved in with me quite quickly. I’ve never married and believed him to be the love of my life.
We are no longer together, he left me. It’s funny, my catchphrase with him was “don’t you have an off switch.?” His with me was “controlling”. I would have gone to the ends of the earth for him. Two days after we broke up and he left, one of his sisters advised me he had been diagnoed as ADHD as a child and later in life with Bipolar. I’ve spokent to him a few times since our breakup, and he hasn’t denied it. I think he is now in full blown depression. His problems with impusle control were always an issue. He would say outrageous things to people in public and I often wondered why nobody got so upset as to get violent towards him. I suppose he’s lucky in being tall in stature.
He only takes a high dose of antidepressants, and a medication for high blood pressure the latter which I believe forces him into mania. Shortly after he moved in, his behaviour was a little “off”. I thought it was simply his sense of humour. I had seen pictures of him dating back 4 years ago and he weighed 100 lbs more than he does now. As I have taken antipsychotics for their sedative effect to deal with insomnia, I had gained 35 lbs quite quickly so I believe at one time he was appropriately medicated. The 1st problem I saw was rapid speech and inability to let others speak without him speaking over top of them, louder and faster to the point that he could not be understood as well as the impulse control issues. At first I thought he was rude, however after observing his rapid speech, I could see by his eyes, he was in a dissassociative state. The last day I saw him, about 4 months ago, he was full blown manic and suffering with paranoia. While in his presence, in public, he accused me of giving my phone number to 3 different men in 5 minutes (which of course I didn’t) and I witnessed him spying on me while making a purchase.
He had been very agitated that entire day and I almost got evicted because he wouldn’t stop yelling while in my apt. My Manger had threatened us with police, so I had to get him out of the apt. He was verbally abusive a number of times and blamed me for every little problem we had….and they were little. My heart has been broken and I fear for him every day. His family has pretty much abandoned him and don’t seem to understand he’s dealing with a mental illness. I was personally abandoned at age 13 when my Father evicted me from the family home and again later, when my Mom took her life. I didn’t understand his abandonment issues until after he left. His family has no patience with him and because he refuses to be appropriately medicated, I now understand why.
He has cut off all contact with me and I very much fear for his saftey. A 10 year friend of mine comitted suicide 4 years ago. It wasn’t until after his passing that I was informed he suffered with Bipolar and had gone off his meds. My ex had written a book he was hoping to publish and I didn’t read it until after he left. He spoke of suicide all throughout. As my Mom had committed suicide 25 years ago, I’m well aware of the devestation this leaves behind. His Mom is not well and has been hospitalized a few times, she is a senior. I’m so fearful that her passing will be a major trigger for him.
I am so thankful for your blogs as they have helped me understand what he is dealing with. When I tried to keep contact with him, he threatened to get a restraining order against me. Of course I have since left him alone. Sadly, he was violent towards me, the 2nd to last time I saw him. I have spent the last 4 months crying and in a deep depression myself. Thanks to your articles, I understand you can’t force someone to get help. He doesn’t want to deal with his issues. I’ve let him know, if he ever needs someone to talk to, I’ll be here for him. That only lead to him phoning me and screaming at me to leave him alone. I understand this is what he needs to try to get himself stabilized. I never would have left him, would have gone to appointments with him, anything it took. But he has shut me and everyone else out. He can’t keep a job more than a few weeks, and moves every 3 months or so.
I miss him so much, and wish he would accept help and responsibility for his illness. I’m sorry, I’m rambling….I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for your blogs and support towards people suffering both with the illness and the effects on family and loved ones.
Falling in love, then having it end, when you’re not ready to let go, is the hardest thing.
Don’t worry about his bipolar disorder etc too much. He has been dealing with it all his life and for a lot longer than you – he will know best what is best for him (even if, when he’s hypomanic, he forgets it for a while). There is no cure, just management.
Your own health and happiness has been greatly affected though, so good luck with your own recovery journey. :)
Thank you Sarah, for your reply! I can only imagine that you’ve been in similar situation or that you have to deal with Bipolar disorder yourself. I can’t imagine how difficult that must be as depression alone has robbed me of many years.
And yes, you’re correct, my own health has sufferred a great deal as a resutl. I’ve been physically ill twice since he left. I continue to cry for him. It is very difficult indeed not too worry about someone you love so much. If he had been honest with me, I would have done everything and anything to support him.. I wish we could at least be friends, however he has completely withdrawn.
My sister, 18 years old is suffering from a mental disease as well… Began when she just turned 16. In the beginning didnt want to study, got depressed, lost a lot of weight. In one year everything changed to be even worst.. Began to run away, threaten to cut herself if we wont let her go out, and more. Parents had no choice but to go to a mental hospital.. After about 6 -7 months she came back home with mom who stayed with her for support, it was a but better. Stopped running away, however still lied about everything, barely studied, and whenever wouldnt be allowed something would still do it..Same is happening right now while i am writing this in my room.. I am 14, and it is exceedingly hard to deal with all this.. Seeing mom being the way she is, and dad coming back home from work always knowing something had to happen today with my sister. Mom cried daily, and i understand, because my sister does somethn each day that upsets her. My mom loves her to death, and tells me some people can let go, but she jst cant.. Mom never went out anywhere properly for these 2, 3 years, just to go do her nails or anything.. she cant leave my sister for longer than an hour, otherwise she will probably do somethn.. big .. small.. doesnt matter. She will do somethn tht will hurt my parents. Oh, and she also began to cut herself whenever feels bad. It is so hard to live with this. I remember my sister before.. So smart, loved to study, friends, love, and now.. HELL.. Also mom has no friends whatsoever as she never goes out for long anymore. And it hurts me so much to see them all this way.. Mom says sometimes in tears.. whats the point to live like this.. Which sometimes scares me, because i see how lifeless, and empty she is after all these years of sufferage.. And then u always ask god, why does this have to happen? Feels like cancer and normal health issues are better than having someone mentally ill in your family who drags u down with them, and its not their fault as they dont realize what they do.. Seeing my family this way kills me from the inside, and i cannot tell my friends as its jst not normal, and private..
It is heartbreaking to read what both the bipolars and their loved ones go through. In my 62 years I have lived with 3 different people diagnosed with bipolar disorder: my father, my second husband and most recently, my brother. All of them had many similar symptoms: the mania causing them to overspend, talk excessively, become oversexed, and become volatile. But they also had many differences, which made the whole experience very confusing for the rest of us. It constantly left me in a turmoil, wondering what part of some behaviors stemmed form the illness and what was just a manifestation of the person’s individual personality. (What should I understand and endure, and what should I resist?) I have observed that the various personalities tend to be exaggerated by this disorder. My father was a highly intelligent man who resented any authority whom he deemed less intelligent — which was true of almost every employer he ever worked under. When manic, Daddy’s resentment would evolve into a full blown, all-consuming, murderous hatred — which extended not only to his employers, but to everyone in his vicinity, including us. He had to be institutionalized for the safety of everyone. My second husband had a bit of schizophrenia spicing up his bipolar condition and the resulting paranoia made him very cruel and an insulting adversary to everyone in his path — me, store clerks, sweet old aunts, my brothers, etc. My brother, a fatherly person, always generous and ready to help others, became vulnerable to dishonest people who drained his savings accounts with their countless self-induced emergencies. He probably could have paid off his home with all the money he wasted on repeatedly bailing them out of jail, buying them cell phones and paying their car payments and rent. All of these bipolar loved ones were very difficult for me to live with for various reasons, the main one recently, being my health. In the 10 months I have been away from my brother, I have not even had to go to the doctor once. I had been coughing 24-7, plagued with rashes and coming down with flu, pneumonia, and a multitude of other infections about every couple of months. As much as I love my brother, I have children who need me to live a while longer, so I moved and let him live in my house, which is more affordable for him.
I have very recently broken off contact with my mentally ill mother. She was abused as a child and has been mentally ill ever since.
Me and my sister have put up with her illness our entire lives, and for the last 15 years tried to help her as she has lied to us, abused our trust, threatened and publicly embarrassed us.
We have helped her leave her physically and mentally abusive partner numerous times and then watched as she goes back to him, then the whole sad story will repeat. They will fall out, she will attempt suicide, she moves out vowing never to return etcetera.
No more.
Yes my mother is ill, but she is not so ill as to make the choice to seek help. We have taken police and doctors to her home to speak to her about her health, and her partner, and she will sit there and smile, and fain being perfectly well and make us out to be inconsiderate little swines and that we are wasting police time.
I have spent the last 15+ years of my life dealing with the mental barrage of my mother, and I will take it no more. Due to my parents I myself have mental health issues, and I have made the choice to treat my illness by walking away from the causes of it.
So go on folks, go ahead and tell me that I MUST go and help my own flesh and blood. Tell me how wrong it is of me and others to walk away for the sake of our own health.
These “victims” are adult, they’ve made their own choices, allow us to make ours.
My 45yr. old daughter has mental issues and won’t seek help. I would like to walk away and live my life in peace.The problem is I have a wonderful grandaughter age 9 that I took care of since she was15mo old.Now my daughter on her second marriage won’t let me see her…I don’t know what to do? I now my grandaughter must be crying like I am every night. My daughter at times can be sweet but if we say something that she turns around in her head all hell breaks loose. It has been almost six months now. This seems to have started when she was around 20, I don’t have to get into all the things she does to cause great distress in the family…My main concern is what will this do to my grandaughter as she grows up?
OK.. So putting someone out on the streets, mentally ill, drug-addicted, with relationship issues is the right thing to do? You should never leave loved ones who live with you to fend for themselves unless he or she is ready. Mental Health Experts might suggest that you try to work out a better solution that would not contribute to his illness and homelessness. This involves working with the individual to help them find a suitable living arrangement such as a Group Home.
Dealing with someone who is disabled mentally can be challenging. But if you don’t take care of them than find someone who will. Do not give up on someone simply because their actions upset you and your family members. Mentally ill people cannot change the fact that they are disabled.
Things that are stolen can be replaced. Wounds can heal. Your home which was vandalized can be fized. Deputies know/can learn mental health training. NA and AA can help with addiction issues. But family is family and you only have one of them.
You sound like a nice person just a little miss guided. No one has the asnwers as to what will “fix” these problems which have effected your family and please understand I’m only posting because I care.
Providing care for the mentally ill isn’t “enabling” a disability,
Our FIRST responsibility is to preserve our OWN mental and physical health. If in helping someone else, whoever they are, is significantly damaging to our own health then one must withdraw. If there is no one else to take over, or if the person who needs caring for refuses that help (indeed, they may well be refusing treatment already, which might be the cause of the problem being experienced by the carer!) then – however painful it is to do – one must leave them to fend for themselves. This is not being unkind or cruel – this is about being kind and caring to ourselves. Actually, I am on the other side, as a patient. Before I was diagnosed and appropriate treated, I treated my then fiance very badly. It was obvious that I was not well, but my moods were distressing her and – frankly – her life was on hold. She left, and quite right, too. Carers have a right to a life, have a right not to have their health and well-being destroyed by another. It is not anyone’s job to sacrifice their health for the sake of anyone else.
But each case may be judged on its merits and it will have to be an individual decision because each one of us has different abilities to withstand pressure, to keep oneself healthy in the face of difficulties with those we are caring for. Some of us can handle it better than others. We must not judge badly those who crumble before us, just because they are not so strong; we only have the right to judge ourselves, to consider if we have done our best *without damaging ourselves*.
Yep, in regard to this, and I’m going to be frank – as I am one of the angry ones who are apalled and shocked by NC’s pious justification to abandon a person with mental illness to homelessness, at a time of need – basically her brother will have no chance of survival if he is homeless and starves, because of his sister’s selfish and mind boggling cruelty, and this woman has her brother’s blood on her hands if things get worse for her brother and he loses his life after she abandoned him. It may be this Natasha character is not mentally well enough herself to be a responsible and loving sister – she lacks remorse, so it seems – and the contributor below quite rightly mentions her duty to find someone else – when she is either unwilling, incapable or too intolerant to at least give shelter to a loved one during a difficult time. If the woman worked in high places with big brains etc then why not use your talents and start up a small business, employ your brother (assuming nobody else will because of the stigma and prejudice you claim to be such an expert about) and think of how this could help your brother in the job market – then when he gets another job and a place of his own, you can say ‘good bye’ with a clear conscience and not with his blood on your hands
Your response seems to ignore much of what Natasha said. She’s not talking about abandoning someone who is capable of working in any capacity (for her or anybody else). She’s talking about somebody who is so mentally unstable that they are horribly abusive and destructive. How can you possibly say she’d have her brother’s blood on her hands? She is not God. If she can’t keep him from stealing from her, destroying her property, abusing her or her children, how can she possibly find a job he can do and make him do it? She can’t even get him to take his medicine. If she (and anyone else who reads your comment) followed your advice you may end up having their blood on your hands. While not all mentally ill people are aggressive and violent, there are many who are (particularly those with paranoia). I think it’s incredibly unkind and unrealistic for you to judge her so harshly.
Well said.
It is too easy to judge others when you don’t know them or their circumstances. However, Natasha will doubtless want to answer for herself, but let me put this to you. If you had a brother who was drowning in deep water and you couldn’t swim, would you jump in? If he refused help from those who could swim and save him, and he fought them off while denying he was drowning, and you still couldn’t swim, would you jump in? Is it reasonable to destroy your own mental health in an unwelcome attempt to save your brother from being destroyed by his own poor mental health? Is your own life so worthless than you would sacrifice it so that someone else *might*, just *might* be able to live a bit longer in their own confused and miserable state? I ask because your condemnation of Natasha suggests you would do all those things.
hi Lori, Harry, thanks for your replies. It is true the only info my comments are based on is Natasha’s written blog re ‘Saying GoodBye’.
I acknowledged my harshness in reply to the xmas present blog, and suggested she reconsider re her brother (worried for the poor guy on a park bench somewhere). Here’s the thing, if she has a well paid job (she said this elsewhere) she might be able to give financial support from a distance, so her bro has a place to stay, without his behaviour or ggressive manner in her face … Just a thought
Swimming analogy is good. Would like to take it further and say swimming is an essential life skill, which all good parents teach kids along with family values etc and maybe Natasha did not learn to swim, figuratively speaking. If she can’t swim well enough to save her bro by jumping in, maybe she could instead throw him a floating life saver thing (forgot the word) such as some basic funds to help him get by … if it were my brother, and I had the means, I would … but she uses the term ‘cut off’ which suggests total abandonment, when there might be ways … But true, someone else said it sounds less about mental health and more about his conduct
I am sorry to hear of your troubles, but I read your article as having nothing to do with mental illness – you speak of being “…abused by an individual for years at a time. Have him hit you. Have him steal from you. Have him vandalize your home. Have him refuse treatment. Have him call the cops on you. Have him get addicted to drugs. Have him rage at you when they see you. Have him endanger your children.”
Yet none of this has much to do with mental illness and I think it’s being quite dishonest to label mental illness in this way. While there may be people with mental illnesses that act in this way, there are people with mental illness who do not just as there are people without mental illness who act in this way, and there are ones who don’t. It sounds to me like you left a jerk and are trying to justify it in obscure terms.
Michael, Unfortunately the things described are not at all rare for people profoundly affected by bipolar disorder. Nobody said that is the case for ALL people living with bipolar. The point that was being made is that if a person is dealing with these extreme sorts of behavior, then you do not need to feel guilty for removing this person from your life. I have lived with my bp spouse for 28 yrs. He can be a caring, decent person for long stretches of time. He has also caused me to fear for my life. Bipolar, by definition, means a person is susceptible to extreme mood swings, irrationality and paranoia. These things CAN result in the abusive behaviors cited – but not always. Failing to address this would make this site superficial at best. I’m grateful for, and in admiration of, Natasha and her wisdom.
I am sorry to hear of your ex-partner, but I think that to say that a relationship failed because someone had mental illness is completely removing blame and reality from the situation. I also think that this article is saying that it is ok to treat bp people differently just because we have bp is being ridiculously unfair – saying that this article doesn’t label “ALL” people with mental illness is logically the same as saying “I’m not a racist, some of my best friends are [insert whatever racial minority group]” and then proceeding to say that it’s ok to leave a relationship with a person of a racial minority because statistics show that there is a higher propensity of whatever racial minority group to commit violence and criminal activity. This says nothing about the people of that race. It may however, say something about the culture and society in which they live not treating them as equals. A friend of my mother-in-law’s recently left her husband because “he had depression”… she told everyone how she suffered and how she could never know who she was going to deal with that night etc etc. The reality I think was, she was just a selfish person who realised that she would profit more from ending the relationship than from keeping it going, which is probably true, but to blame it on his supposed depression is missing the point that she ended a relationship and was certainly, in terms of money, friends, family etc, the better off as a result and the whole depression excuse came after that to justify what she had done to him. I’m not saying all people who end a relationship are like this, but because they are labeling the other person as guilty. They are also, in a lot of cases, “outing” a person to be a thing that society still very much shuns and shames
Ok Michael, I think I get your point… you believe that we label the ex as bipolar in order stereotype the situation and place blame. I don’t think anyone on this forum intends that at all, but I can see how you might perceive it that way. The fact is, as Natasha pointed out, people have a right to leave a relationship that isn’t working for them, and yes, some people with bp disorder can get very destructive. Acknowledging it sometimes happens, on a forum meant to encourage and uplift persons dealing with bp disorder, should be taken in context. And don’t forget Natasha’s other point (somewhere in here:)) that if your relationship is not working it’s better to part ways so you both can hopefully find someone whose personalities are better suited. Wishing you peace.
Wow a lot of this hits home. Ive been married to a man who I believe is bipolar. The yelling cussing mental abuse has got to stop. He refuses to get help and im afraid im not helping by allowing this behavior to continue. When irs good hes really great. The man I fell in love with. But when he snaps for no apparent reason calls me names and accuses me of all kinds of things and blames me for his issues, he is someone I would never be around. Its so hard because I love him so much. We have been married just a year and a half and have a 7 month year old. I do not want my son growing up seeing how his dad treats me. Most of it is verbal but also Ive been shoved, pushed down, had water thrown on me. Im at a loss. This site has given me insight and hits so close to home. I know things wont change unless he gets help. Episodes last about 3 days every month at least. Im consistently wondering when its going to happen again and walk on eggshells. Going out of my way to make sure I dont make him mad. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I am blesses to have wonderful friends and family and Thank God for them. This is the hardest thing ive ever been through. I want him to get help and would do anything to help him but knowing full well I cant make him do anything he doesnt want to. Im afraid im done
Sondra, I am no medical expert but in my limited experience, what you describe could be explained by a number of different causes and Bipolar Disorder is only one of them. For example, in my brother’s case, the pdoc doesn’t think his behaviour is due to BP, even though there is probably a history of it in the family, but some kind of physical condition – tumor or early dementia. His wife is insisting he can stay in their house only on condition that he has a MRI scan and accepts treatment, although he insists there is nothing wrong with him. But whichever the case in your situation, it sounds like you do need to take the initiative here.
I to am with a person that has a mental illness and I’m leaving the relationship because of the emotional and verbal abuse I receive and the hate and the anger that she has . I just can’t handle it anymore to top it off her mother has bipolar and she lives with us as we’ll and it is a toxic situation for me I love her but can’t do it anymore after two years. I’m not happy and I’m always wondering what I’m going to come home to the accusations and the yelling and cussing and putting me down the awful things she says to me . Just wanted to vent my experience it is seething I did not see early on.
My son is 26 and has been ill for 10 years he’s homeless right now calls every night for a place to sleep and I don’t pick up the phone it’s killing me I hope he gets help its so so cold right now in northern Cali .the guilt is so overwhelming Thank you
I understand your guilt. My son since he came back from the Army reserves started showing signs of mental sickness. He lived almost 2yrs alone till I brung him home. I had to send him away back to the city with his dad and he left to the streets. He called and I refused so he got lost. His mental sickness got the best of him.I sent him him money every week., and one day he did’nt pick up. So my family in that city searched for him for a year till one day my brother saw him by the highway. He came back back. It is now 3yrs later and I feel I have to let him go. He talks about killing me everyday. So my 12yr old is in fear. I have to make a choice me or him. Me? I would die for him but I can’t, I have his sister to think about. He has other older brothers and sisters but nobody wants to help. I live in a small town. There is no help here. I bought him a bus ticket yesterday. Mind you, my heart shed so many tears of anguish and anger. What do I do? He will suffer in the streets but he wants to hurt me, I told him about leaving and he asked why am I doing this to him? But he cannot understand. No I didn’t put him on the bus but I regret it. When I got home he was fine, and he escalated in his mental verbal rampage. I cannot even put him on meds because he can’t understand. going to the doctor? How? he does’nt bathe and he’s scary looking. My heart bleeds because I know it is not his fault, but will I or we be another news article? What do I do? I am petit and I can fight back but he is huge I cannot win, I even got my gun ready, now that is scary.
Our 37 year old son distanced himself from our entire family,aunts, uncle, cousins ,niece, nephew & twin brother. His physical & mental health are perilous, yet he refuses to see a therapist, & he doesn’t take care of himself. Many years ago he dropped out of a very expensive program we hoped would help him get his life together. He dropped out to marry a woman he met in a hockey chat room. When we cut him off financially, he & his wife were homeless,. They either lived in shelters or their car. Authorities from the state they were living in called to warn my husband & me that his wife made threats on our lives. We begged our son to get help, & we offered to pay for it. He just won”t go. We pay for his health insurance & co- payments even though he doesn’t speak to us. It is so heart breaking. I hired a social worker, hoping she would be able to steer both of them to therapy, as well help them obtain benefits. She got so fed up & frustrated from them that she returned the money I sent her.
My husband has mixed mania and each episode gets a little longer and a little worse. He is trying to get help but during these episodes, lasting at least thirty days he starts by being angry at the world then slowly becomes nicer to everyone else and absolutley hateful to mee, says horrible degrading things to me, tells me he hates me, I am becoming increasing scared for my physical safety, I feel completely emotionally ruined. I have issues of my own, eating disorders and ptsd which I often wondered aren’t a side effect of being married to him for 20 years. Our children all make excuses for him, I am sure that is because that is what I have always done. My life is hell, even between his episodes I am sad because I don’t have time to recover from one trauma before he has another episode. He is on medication but nothing seems to work. I won’t leave, not yet, but I always worry he won’t come out of each one and I won’t get the man I love so much back. He is on and almost sixty day mixed mania now, the longest ever. I am scared and I am broken and don’t know where to turn.
I just had to say goodbye to my partner of 3yrs last night. She’s been off her meds for the past 3months, don’t make/keep any of her appointments with her psychologist/psychiatrist. Yet she expected me to forever love, support & be with her (all while blacking out, abusing me mentally, physically, emotionally & verbally). The list goes on & on. I finally had enough when she showed up unsolicited to my house last night at 10pm ringing/knocking nonstop. I have 2 school aged children who were panicking for all of our safety by then b/c they didn’t know exactly what had transpired. I called the police (of course they don’t take sh%t serious unless someone is dead or da%n near dead. Even after showing them my phone log of 78 missed calls, they just told her to go home & took our names & DOBs down wtf?! I’m not sure if they didn’t care becaus e we’re lesbian, african american or they’re just nonchalant bastards who need to change their profession. Either way, I feel all the more unsafe & wonder if anyone have some advice for me going forward? :(
Correction: ” I agree with you that there are some people who are beyond help, but, what about those who aren’t as bad and get better?”
thanx for explaining it.I didn’t realize that it wouldn’t get better by still being here a ll the time.Can’t take it anymore and love her so much but gotta let her get well on here own..mcl
Hello, and Happy New Year.
Why is it always a man at fault?
I agree with you that there are some people who are beyond help, but, what if they get better?
Your story is far beyond what most folks have experienced, hence, they can’t understand your choice.
We All have rights.
Many kind regards,
– Ernie Leblanc
Why is it always a man at fault?
http://www.archierichards.com/articles/Gambling07910.html
Hi Ernie,
It is not always a man at fault. However I have noticed that bp disorder in a man often creates a different dynamic in the relationship than if the woman is bipolar. Both have extreme mood swings, both can be abusive (especially when manic or in a mixed mood), but quite frankly, women are more in fear of the aggressive, manic men for obvious reasons. Also, let’s be honest, women are more verbal and social. They are more apt to go to these forums and discuss their problems than men are. So, no, it is probably close to 50/50 in terms of “bad behavior” in any marriage, but you’re bound to see more women discuss the problems in a public forum.
I really appreciated reading this. I have been with my husband for ten years. He has always been bad tempered, rambles on and goes off on tangents but the last twp years he has simply snapped. Ive had him in and out of the dr. He stops or refuses to take his meds. He trashes our house when hes having a bad day, he screams and yells at me constantly, calls me every name in the book. Hes threatened me, our home, hes hurt me in the past, he is very destructive to our home, himself. Im at a loss but i just turned 40 and i feel im wasting my own life on someone who doesnt care to be helped and even when i am being supportive he still laughs and ridicules me telling me wants to die and im the stupid one for thinking life is good. Im at my wits end and i have two daughters from a previous marriage. He also has two daughters that come on the weekend who beg me not to leave him as they know something is wrong. Im always sick to my stomach and nervous and walking around on eggshells. I just dont know what to do anymore and i have no energy left to help him. I have no hope it will get better anymore. I feel i will waste any good years i might have left fighting this losing battle. Its very hard to leave as everyone else has given up on him too and when i start to think of leaving he promises he will take the meds and hes good for a bit but it never lasts. Im so confused but reading all of what you wrote was helpful.. I believe im going fown with the “Titanic” if i dont get out now its just doing so thats the hardest but thank you
My bipolar live in boyfriend drinks and starts to talk off the wall and he gets angry allot we argue almost everyday about stupid things. I want to leave but I don’t know how stable he Would be and would he try to hurt me or my children. We have a daughter together so that means I would still have to see him. I will never be able to be away from him completely.
How terribly difficult for you and your children! It is probably like living in a household of landmines. Probably neither you nor the children ever know what illogical thing will set him off next. You probably have to carefully guard every word that comes out of your mouth so as not to set of another endless battle of words, which hopefully will never escalate into something worse. There is so much emotional confusion for you and your children. I can remember so well the mental and emotional turmoil of trying to sort the mental illness out of the personality. You are constantly asking yourself, “what part of this is mental illness (which he can’t help) and what part of this is just a unique and difficult aspect of his personality? The opportunities for feeling guilty never end. You’re always torn, wondering whether you should be more tolerant of his mental difficulties or whether you should stand your ground, because, for Heaven sakes you have feelings and needs, too!
I think that is whatade it so difficult for me: sorting out the mental illness from the individual personality and wondering how to deal with it. I have experienced three bipolar a in my 62 years of life: my father, my brother, and one husband. All of them had one thing in common: a lot of anger that could erupt at any time or place for any reason or little reason at all. They also had widely varied personalities, personal strengths and weaknesses which were not borne of the illness.
You have my sympathy. I wish you luck, wisdom, peace and safety.
All of these comments honestly help me get by everyday! My live in boyfriend is bipolar as well and just this New Year’s Eve we got in the biggest argument where he pushed me off the bed then again into the wall where I fell on my face…I know I’m better than that! But the sad part is he said it was an accident ofcourse I defended myself in all this but how can someone you love be such a heavy load on your back? Now he just thinks everything is back to normal it’s been 4 yrs of this and I don’t know How to get away!! :/
I have to say goodbye to my daughter. She came to us through a therapuetic family care program just before she turned 14. It was supposed to be short term temporary care but we fell in love with her and she became a part of our family. Just after her 16th birthday we took legal guardianship of her.
We had serious issues with her mental illness from the beginning. She has never taken her medication consistently. We accepted her cycle of behavior and although we greatly disliked it and were exhausted by it, we loved her and believed that we could help her. As we approach her 18th birthday in a few weeks things have become out of control. This past summer she threatened to hurt our 2 young boys (5and6), she was hospitalized, she damaged our home, brought drugs in our home, and so many other things. I felt like my family was falling apart over it because I wanted to fight for her while my husband was ready to give up. We almost lost our marriage and my children were scared in their own home, but yet, I insisted on fighting for her.
This past week and still currently as I type (it’s Christmas day) I don’t even know where she is. She lies every minute of every day to me, does whatever she wants to people and stole my husbands wedding ring. It has become clear that she never really cared about anyone in this family, a fact I would have argued for hours over just a few months ago. But I see it now and must accept it to let go of her. I have given this child, someone else’s child, 4 years of my life, of my children’s lives and it must come to an end. I wish the world didn’t work this way, I wish it didn’t have to end this way, but this is reality. And I must say goodbye.
Sorry to hear how many difficulties you have gone through. However, as I have insisted in my email to the blog owner – still waiting patiently for a reply of any kind to my email – you cannot simply tar people diagnosed with BP all with the same brush. Or at least this comes across in your ‘this is the way the world works’ line. To have had to find new parents in the volatile age of 14 in the first place is tricky enough and there might be some resentment towards others that gave up on her before she entered your life. I can only try and add up what you have written. But do not write her off just yet, I got better and better insight between relapses and had a lot more focused one to one support from real, caring people from my health-service rather than second rate shrinks and well-paid/educated but cold psychiatrists. I did get first clear insight and a good regimen at a younger age than your daughter but not much younger. Perhaps what she is given isn’t quite right and makes her worse.. there can be a long process of finding the right combination of medication – sometimes needing a whole new set different than before, which applied to me in being able to come back to society after hospitalisation. So my message is not to say never ever as you did form a bond for a long enough time. Not all of what now seems false hope and positivity from your daughter should be written off. At the end of the day she needs the right support and can get better. There is plenty of time. It is much harder for people when they are older and they might not have any family left to try and help them. Good luck.
I’m so sorry to hear that you have had to deal with such hardship with a total stranger and the only thing you tried to do was love this poor girl. My heart goes out to you and your boys, your husband for sticking by you but also for him standing his ground when enough was enough! I commend you too for not letting anything be before your own children ! My prayers and blessings to your family.
I just got an email from my spouse from whom I am currently separated. I hate that he can still push my emotional buttons by telling me how lonely he is and how he desparately misses me, yet refuses to acknowledge that he is ill and therefore refuses to seek treatment to try to be as stable as possible. I hate feeling guilty that I abandoned him when he feels entitled to everyone giving him what he needs but not wanting to even try to be responsible for his health. Don’t I have a right to not be bullied and abused? I commend those with bipolar for trying even if you feel its not working for you….just proud and thankfult you tried.
My father was bipolar. I married a bipolar man and divorced him after two years. No one who has not lived with an unpredictable, volatile person can understand the toll it takes on your own mental and physical health. Them my own brother went into such a deep, protracted depression that I feared he would die. I asked him to come stay with me, believing that the depression would abate at some point, as Daddy’s always did. Unfortunately, when the depression lifted, he went into a sort of mania, maybe a mixed state. He crashed my computer repeatedly, eventually losing all my files and programs. He added two more unhousebroken dogs to my household. (I had welcomed his good old housebroken dog). He thought it was perfectly okay to leave an unhousebroken puppy to roam free on my new living room rug while he napped. When I protested, he told the entire family I hated dogs and he refused to take steps to prevent the problem. He disassembled my fireplace logs and couldn’t put them back together, getting black ashes on my rug. He spilt innumerable cups if coffee and entire plates of food on my rug. He removed the sliding doors on my closet and couldn’t put them back. He destroyed 3 vacuum cleaners. He took my wheelbarrows out if the garage and left them outside and although I repeatedly put the back inside, I could not prevent one if them being crushed by a fallen limb in a storm. His dogs have chewed up my underwear, plastic bowls, an antique doll I was saving to pass to my grandchildren, a mattress, etc. he took my best blanket and put it under his wheels for traction in a snowstorm. My best cutco kitchen knives have been found in the basement where he used one to rip cardboard boxes. One was found out in the yard where he’d used to hack a vine. It had lain there lost for weeks. Two are list forever and my finest kitchen shears were list in my neice’s truck for about two months. All my own personal tools are lost. I eventually moved out if my own home and into a trailer just so I could breathe clean air and hold onto my few remaining possessions. He rents my home from me now and I guess I will have nothing to pass on to my children. He can’t afford to live anywhere else, especially with those dogs. And yet, there are some, including him, who think I am mean for moving elsewhere. Well, suffice it to say I have not been to a doctor in the 9 months since I moved, whereas I had been having respiratory problems that had me going for antibiotics at least every two months.
This is extremely hard because my boyfriend who I love dearly is mentally ill. I had to find out from his uncle that he has been off of his meds for Years. He told me that he has bipolar disorder but he appears to exhibit symptoms of borderline personality disorder. His moods change frequently throughout the day and I have had to get physical either out of fear that he would hurt me altogether has only been verbally abusive toward me for now. What makes it worse is that we have a baby together coming any day now and this last fight has made me realize that I have to walk away before we both get hurt. IM deeplysaddened because I love him but I have to think about me and the baby
Thank you for posting this. My daughter and I have reached the final crossroads with my husband / her father. His mental illness seems to be getting worse and his refusal to address more than the depression and anxiety issues has left us both feeling like we’re living with a frightening stranger. She says she feels numb now, and only knows what she’s feeling when someone else tells her. She’s only 14. I’m so tired of crying and being afraid and walking on eggshells. And so in two months we have an apartment and will leave while he is at work. I’m beyond sad, and guilty, and torn up. But I will not let what’s left of my daughter and myself be destroyed.
Thank you. He’s about to be evicted from his apartment and I don’t want him in my home any more. It’s too painful and even though he’s my son he is dragging me down with him. I need to move on.
I think the people who condemn this article either (a) have no clue what it is like to live with someone like this or (b) are co-dependent and enjoy being able to brag about what a good spouse/parent/sibling/friend they are because they refuse to remove themselves from a toxic situation. Nobody glibly assumes leaving is an easy, fun thing. I have been with my girlfriend for nearly five years and we have lived together for three. She is severely bipolar — perhaps even borderline — and a heavy drug user. She can’t go more than two or three hours without getting high and becomes a nightmare if she’s denied this. She is prone to bouts of rage and morbid depression where she feels no need to speak, eat, or communicate with the outside world. She makes repeated references to killing herself and claims nobody takes her concerns “seriously.” The smallest things — e.g., the internet connection gets slow, her phone rings, etc. — set her off. She openly resents me for having a better paying job and says that her lack of money is the root cause of her attitude (despite the fact that she was the exact same when she had a well-paying job that she lost due to being unable to pass a drug test — the second one in a row). Last night, she voluntarily went to the ER and requested psychiatric help. It was such a relief…I’ve been begging her for years to do this since nothing else is working. Unfortunately, I got a call from her mother around midnight saying the nurses were “blackmailing” her and that she needed to get out of the facility (likely a side effect of detoxing, since she got extremely high before going). There are no words to express the disappointment, anger, and sadness I feel right now. I love her, I have done everything humanly possible to help her, but part of me does not want her to come home. I’ve considered leaving for a long time since she’s gotten progressively worse over the last couple of years but I’d always felt too guilty. I don’t feel that way anymore; my mother demonstrated many of the same behaviors and my relationship with her did not normalize until I simply removed myself from her life for a long time. I’ve come to accept that it is not my role in life — nor anyone else’s — to be a verbal or emotional punching bag.
have you ever been to mount lake terrace washington?? there was a group care home called the resource center out there in washington state called the resource center, and i think that the group care home called the resource center was out there in mount lake terrace washington. have you ever been there??
How sadly true. I’m leaving my son, it’s not easy. My advice is if you, or someone you really love, haven’t gone through this you have no right to judge. Its a very heart breaking thing to do. Thank you for your very realistic and sound advice.
I just finished reading your article…can’t stop crying…my 20 yr old son is diagnosed with Schizophrenia. My story is similar to many I have read. He now lives in an assisted living residence. He refuses medication and has been abusive to the family that still try helping him financially. I truly feel that we all need to stop enabling him with no compliance from him. He holds us hostage because we love him…because we remember the sweet person he was before this terrible illness. When he takes the necessary steps to help himself…we will help him…his narcissism will probably result in homelessness one day…Its time to think of my other children’s happiness.
Thank you. My 23 year old son has been variously diagnosed as bi-polar, mood disorder with paranoid tendencies, and mood disorder unspecified.
He’s been hospitalized twice for threats to others, I had to remove all my hunting equipment, sell guns, hide medicines, and mark alcohol
He’s wrecked 5 cars and finally after raging screaming fights with me, my wife said he just can’t live here.
He burned through a 13k inheritance in 3 months and became a thief. He associated with people who encouraged him to drink, use drugs, and drink those horrific energy drinks which trigger his manic periods.
Finally, he reached the point where no one would help him. He agreed to treatment and I said I would put him in a apartment. First I spent 1500$ on residencial hotels, then signed a lease on an apartment. Almost immediately he quit the medication, and lost his part time job. His lease is up. And I went to clean and repair it. Every wall is damaged with knife throwing, punches, drawings, and there are cans and cans of energy drinks.
His very sweet, kind girlfriend is now pregnant and he is blaming me for his lack of progress in his life.
I’ve spent thousands of hours rushing to emergencies of his making, and I can document over twenty thousand dollars I have spent on his behalf fixing cars, paying phone and light bills, a years rent, gas, you name it.
All he needs to do is stay off energy drinks and he can stay relatively stable, except he loves the way they make him feel–almost like he is superpowered. It’s a choice. He knows he is bipolar, and he chooses to trigger mania. I am finally at the end of my ability to aid him. I’m financially and mentally drained, yet I’m still repairing the apartment in the hopes I could get some deposit money back.
Wow. Your son reminds me of my daughter. Her problem is drugs and alcohol, but it often looks like mental illness.
The only thing that saved my sanity – and possibly my life – was a book called “Don’t Let Your Kids Kill You.”
You very well could be just dealing with a drug problem. I’m no doctor, but he sounds just like my daughter.
My daughter sounds like this to. Until recently I did not even suspect she was a drug/alcohol user and maybe bipolar. It started with her running her husband off and then ran her child who is 17 and has cerebral palsy out with her raging fits. Then she started on her oldest son 20 yrs old with her fits, accusations which led to him having to leave . Now she is onto me, her Mother, with threats, letters, phone calls. There seems there is no stopping her and her way of thinking. There is no reasoning in her at all.
Yes. Mine goes out for hours, then she comes back and flies into rages. Telling myself and my grandchildren to shut up if we even laugh. She started doing drugs at 14, and I was so Nieves – I never knew it. Now she is so antisocial, no one wants to be around her. She rambles on and on about nothing. Her friends are afraid of her. She blames me for everything wrong in her life. I thought it was mental illness, but she admitted to heavy cocaine and meth use. Bingo!!! Drug users are great at hiding it, but they slip up finally. It may not even be mental illness you are dealing with at all.
I’ve posted on this site before. Mainly because I honestly feel like I have no where else to turn to and no one gets it. My sister is mentally ill. She refuses any sort of help so she hasn’t been diagnosed. After the incident of taking my daughter in an effort to “save her”, I haven’t allowed her anywhere near the kids. She lives in my mom’s condo and my mom is with us. Things keep happening. She took a painting of Jesus to get fixed because there were things wrong with it. Luckily I tracked it down and the owner of the store was fed up with the entire experience with her. Other things keep going missing. She is yelling at neighbors in my mom’s building to not talk to her. She apparently wouldn’t let someone out of the building a few days a go. Said she couldn’t let her go since she’s the one spying on her. After some arguing, she let her pass. I know there is so much more happening that we don’t know about. She calls, we call her back in a second and know she’s there but she doesn’t answer the phone. We recently went in the condo this weekend to get the furnace inspected. She left knowing we were coming (we called out of courtesy). Found out she waited until everyone left before coming back in. When she discovered we had removed overwatered plants that had died and water damaged the floor and carpet, she called everyone in the family , including my mom’s work, looking for us. Just to say hi, see who came over, what exactly we were doing and why. Wanting to talk to the kids. I said no. We have no resources to help her. She won’t listen to anyone. Are we just waiting for her to do something that will get her arrested? Is that all we can do? The county can’t help us since she isn’t a danger to herself or others. The laws prevent us from doing anything. I’ve honestly never felt so helpless. I can barely hang on for my mom, my husband, my kids, my job.
My wife has a mental illnes and she makes my life miserable I want to leave but nowhere to go
no one should go through this
Jerry, I am a married man too w/ a wife that has sever mental illness. She has attacked me more than once. She just now trodden to run me over with the car. My kids were in it crying. I do not know what to do. I too have no where to go. I live in her home town and her family is NO help. They all live in a Baptist bubble. She lives a lie. To know her you would think she was a second mother Terisa. Behind the front is a true.monster who is help bent to blame others for her unhappiness. I need to take the children away to my mothers 12 hours away, but it is my understanding the would be kidnapping if she does not.approve. what a f ed up system we live in. You see world its not only me who are the abusers. I pray anyone with the same
problem finds the help he or she needs this is true hell.
i am so sorry for what you and your family are going through,i know exactly because my brothers behavior is the same way, he was diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 24, he is now 50. Recently, his condition has progressed to paranoia bipolar. My advise to you all is to get them help, you can take a M.I.W out on them where the police will serve them with papers to take them to a hospital,from their, they can be diagnosed.
Hi Natasha,
I was involoved with a man for the last two years, both personally and professionally. He was the lead guitar player for my band, I am the lead singer. We became emotionally involved as well. At first he was great, talented, funny, and treated me like a queen. Slowly he became “weird” for lack of a better word. He got verbally abusive with the other band members, and myself, telling me that I wasn’t a musician, despite my degree in music and the performing arts from the Boston Conservatory of Music. That he greaduated from the “school of hard knocks” and that made him a superior musician. He told the other band members that he was the “A musician and they were all C musiscans:, that all I do is memorize words…you can see where I am going with this? Personally, he became obsessive with me, comparing out relationship to Romeo and Juliette, threatening to kill himself if I left him. I have two teenage daughters, and they can’t stand him. His behavior got so erratic, that the band kicked him out, and i told him I was done. And believe me this was after many second chances when we all sat down as a group to talk to him, and myself personally. It never got through. I couldn’t see him anymore.
Well that was two months ago. He did try to manipulate me with a fake suicide attempt. Fortunately all that did was force his hand about a possible mental illnes. The hospital sent him to a therapist, where he was diagnosed as bipolar. now he is telling me that everything he did was a result of the illnes, and that he’s on medications, and that the therapist is telling him he doesn’t have to tell anyone he’s sorry, that he isn’t responsable for any of his past actions. He’s 52 years old! I just done’t believe that a mental illenss such as bipolar gives a person carte blanc to erase all the damage he did. Of course he says it’s my fault by not standing by him when he needed me most. He has me in such an emotional roller coaster and I just don’t know if i am doing the right thing by staying away or if I am a rotten person by staying away. Would a good therapist tell him that? Am I wrong to expect some sort of recognition for his lack of respect of my professional abilites, and for the way he treated me personally? Is the rest of the band members wrong for not wanting him back and not taking his “illness” as an excuse for all the bad behavior they had to endure?
Thank you
Ann-Marie
Hi Ann-Marie,
I’m sorry you’ve been through such a tough time. It does sound very hard.
As for what a good therapist would say, I’m not sure I’m the best one to ask as I’m not a therapist. What I will say though is that I suspect he is reading into what his therapist is saying more than is reasonable. I find it hard to believe that any therapist worth his or her salt would tell someone they have no responsibility for their actions, even when ill. Now, people vary as to how _much_ responsibility a person has when in that state, but to say “none” doesn’t seem reasonable to me,
I do not believe you are wrong for expecting recognition and apology. We all make mistakes, for a variety of reasons, and I believe it’s appropriate for us all to make amends for those mistakes. Alcoholics, for example, make amends for what they do when they were drinking, and some might say they are not completely responsible for that (substance abuse being a mental illness in its own right).
I think that it is reasonable to stay away – to protect yourself – if you feel this person isn’t good for you. He has put you through a lot and maybe too much has happened to move forward. Only you can make that decision.
If it were me, and the person didn’t want to talk about anything they did when they were ill, and weren’t prepared to work through the hurt they had caused, it would be very difficult for me to have a relationship with him. But that’s me.
I wrote about the illness and bad behavior here: http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2012/07/is-mental-illness-excuse-bad-behavior/
I hope that helps.
– Natasha Tracy
Wow Anne-Marie,
My bipolar ex is also a lead guitarist. I’m assuming you’re in the U.S., me in Canada, otherwise I would think we were dating the same guy!! Same story….I am not a musician, however that meant I was stupid, couldn’t appreciate artistic talent…etc. etc. He accused me of preventing him from recording his album. I don’t know how that possibly could have happened as his gear was always in the pawn shop. I would encourage him to record, and he wouldn’t. Then when he left me, blamed me for the fact that he hasn’t finished a CD he started 13 years ago. He had proposed to me, and then when he left, he said he had to be alone to do his CD, to pull his true self out. This, I understand, however, I then questioned why he moved in with me at all, and not only that, took it a huge step further and asked me to marry him. Of course I got no answer. Sadly when he left, his family advised my of his bipolar disorder. I was grateful to them, as he was so abusive and blamed me for everythihng wrong in his life. He became psychotic the last day I saw him, accusing me of giving my phone number to 3 men in 5 minutes in his presence. Hell, it would have taken me at least 5 minutes to even find a pen in my purse. He is talented, but also 47 almost 48. He spent 10 of his younger years on the raod, and I had actually seen him play decades before we met. Oddly, I knew something wasn’t quite right way back then. Since he left, he’s advised he is not deserving of love or a relationship until he makes his mark here in Canada…..that it is his calling and his duty. I found some of his music on Reverbnation. The one song he wrote, speaks of death and suicide. He had written a book he had hoped to have published that I didn’t read until after he left. He speaks of suicide all throughout. He had told me that he had totalled 3 of his Mom’s cars when he was younger. I assumed they were accidents. In his book, he stated each crash was a death wish, with others in the car!!! I was only with him for 5 months. He was very funny and talked about wanting to do stand up. He would have been great at it. I found some clubs that had open mike nights, but he never wanted to attend. Oddly, I now know he was hypomanic when we met, leading into full blown mania. At first it was his comedy and energy that drew me to him. However later realized he had a huge problem with impulse control and would say outrageous things in public. He’s quite lucky that he’s tall in stature or I’m sure someone would have punched him. His leaving me threw me into a depression and I’m so happy I found this site. He is unmedicated, only takes anti-depressants which force him into mania. He drinks pots of coffee daily trying to stay in that state. Pressured speech, I would ask if I could now speak, and he would say yes, and I’d get no more than 3 words out and he’s yell louder and faster over top of me. I would atttempt to say the same thing up to 15 times, eventually just walking away. I later found out of his hyper-sexuality and the fact that he can’t hold a job more than 3 weeks. He moves every 3 months as he can’t maintain any relationships around him. It’s so very sad. In finding this site, I now know he did me a favour in leaving. His family have told me I’ve dodged a bullet. If he’s not willing to take the appropriate medication, and he drinks and smokes a lot of marijuana, all pushing him into mania, where he preferes to be. His family were wonderful people, however he has alienated himself from all of them. His Mom is a senior and not doing well, I fear her passing may be a major trigger for him and that he may not be with us much longer. His sister’s agree, and just say to me, “if he’s going to committ suicide, there’s nothing we can do”. I loved him so much, but couldn’t take his verbal and once physical abuse. I’m in touch with his sister’s through social media and am fearful of the day I read his Mom has passed. I don’t think he’ll be able to get through it. Of course this disease gets wores with age, especially if he won’t medicate. I’m so sorry you’ve had to go through this. I wish I found this site sooner. I wish you and him, Peace, Love and Light.
So I have a question and this seems like an intelligent and sane crowd. My wife has BiPolar and Schizoaffective disorder. We have been married six years. Looking back for the last six years, the first five I was unaware of her illness at the time, but I see it clearly was there now. In the last year, she attempted suicide, almost succeeded and then I got her into treatment, which was over 30g but insurance covered it thank God. She is now again living with us after treatment for the last three months. She is taking her medication and that is keeping her stable. My question is this though. I am the primary breadwinner and caretaker, have been it since our children where born, they are five and six now. They only ask for me to do things cause they know mom is pretty much not helpful with anything around the house, and she was gone for a year away from us when they were small. Anyway to cut to the chase, I am not sure I have the energy and capacity to care for three children. My two children and her. Moreover I can’t view her as a partner because she doesn’t help with anything and can’t be alone around the kids per Doctors order/suggestion due to her illness. What kind of life will this be? Moreover I am concerned that at some point she will stop taking medication or just snap, and while the chance may be remote percentage wise, the consequences could be irreversible for my children. How do you know when to leave and moreover if I left I would feel I abandoned her….so that is the dilemma. Any insight would be most helpful. Thanks.
I am currently having to separate from my wife who is now diagnosed bipolar but is resisting the diagnosis. My beautiful wife, truly the love of my life- a wonderful, compassionate, intelligent woman changed rapidly to a person who lies, cheats, manipulates and out of the blue has treated me with the most extraordinary contempt. I know about this illness- my mother has it. The people with it so
ddamage those that love them that you end up taking the pills and getting counselling, falling apart under the strain of the constant fear and terrible treatment melted out and on top of that the denial and constant rejection of your help then compounded by justifications of free will by the sufferer! What do you do? The last thing I ever wanted was to separate from her – she is my life – but now my life is abuse and despair – under any other circumstances I would be advised to get out and save myself before it kills me too.
Dan- I feel your pain, I really do. I was married to someone who was Bipolar for 10 years, He was not diagnosed with BP for 9 years of our marriage. He was also an alcoholic and drug addict (hid drug addiction for 9 years), which somewhat camouflaged the Bipolar in that the mania was not abundantly seen until he was sober. The most important thing to do when faced with having a spouse unwilling to get the help she needs is that you must let go for the sake of yourself and your children. You can only help yourself. If she refuses treatment, your hands are tied. Seeing reality for what it is- so difficult, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Enabling a loved one who refuses help only makes matters worse for everyone, most especially you. Hang in there and try to get support for yourself, whether through church and/or a qualified therapist. It is heartbreaking to come to the conclusion that you must let go, but holding on can be far worse. Take care of yourself and hang in there.
Lets hope we stop hurting, my life has turned upside down because I walked away, the abuse and accusations drove me near to despair, for five years I tried to keep him calm and peaceful but the demons in his head were stronger, I now fear living alone but it is preferable to the life of fear i I was living,the pain will pass and the tears dry up, I can’t help loving the man he was but not be treated so badly by “an illness”
I get so sick of hearing the same old BS of people saying mentally ill people have to be responsible for their own actions. Well, I guess that just depends on HOW mentally ill they ARE, now doesn’t it? Because you know, expecting someone who has severe mental problems to be able to think clear enough and act like a “sane” person and “take responsibility for their own actions,” is “insane” in of itself, lol, and in my opinion, quite retarded.
With people who are really bad sick, “taking responsibility for one’s own actions,” doesn’t really register with them, MUCH LESS for them to actually practice it, so the way I look at it is, if you were your brother’s caretaker, and he was that bad off and you loved him as much as you claim, then why didn’t you sign a mental health warrant on him and get him the help he needed? You know, being as, according to the way you described his behavior, he obviously couldn’t be logically expected to engage in “clear thought,” now could he?
What about YOUR responsibility as your brother’s caretaker, to force him to get the help he needed if he was that big of a danger to both himself and to others? You know, instead of just standing by and letting him slowly die in his clouded thinking and psychosis? Where’s the responsibility for YOUR own actions there, oh “loving” sister? Sounds to me like you just bailed and wasn’t willing to do what you needed to do to try and save your brother, so until you “practice what you preach,” you and others like you, can take that phrase of “take responsibility for your own actions,” which is QUITE RIDICULOUS when applied to the seriously mentally ill, and shove it up your rear end with a lit candle on it as far as I am concerned on the subject.
Hi RT,
Well, you may be “sick of it” but some people are sick of being abused, so I guess you’re even. And when people leave others it’s typically after _years_ of trying to help the person. _Years_. No one gets a pass on all their behaivor for years. No one.
As for my brother, well, until you know the situation in detail, you really have no right to judge, now do you? Feel as self-righteous as you like, that says much more about your than it does about me.
Why didn’t I sign a mental health warrant? Easy, he’s not determined to be a danger to himself or others. That’s a very high bar and you can do very nasty things without ever meeting it. And as for clear thought, he has many moments of it. He just chooses not to make the choices that would need to be made to get well. That’s his choice.
And, just for the record, my brother actually stopped talking to me after a family situation in which he didn’t agree with something I did. So if anyone walked, it was him.
– Natasha Tracy
Thank you Natasha….very well said indeed!!
I feel our family is coming to these crossroad myself. My sister has been in and out of mental hospitals since she suffered drug-induced psychosis ten years ago. She never considered her condition to be an illness of any sort, she just seemed to blame the environment and the people she was involved with at the time for causing her to have an episode.
She got herself married now, and I was worried about her, but for a number of years her health improved and she was in high spirits. However she slowly went into relapse over a period of about 18 months, crashed her car and had to be arrested by police.
She’s been in for two months now as an involuntary patient, but now the hospital states that her delusions from schizophrenia have gone so they feel she can be released under observation on a community order. This hasn’t helped her emotion problems at all, she still flies into rages, still blames her husband for everything that’s happened with her mental illness and will not speak with him or cooperate with anyone, including her social worker. So despite the mental hospital feeling she is mentally sound, she’s not emotionally or socially sound in the least.
Am I cruel in that I’m not able to look after her, being that I’m in a shared lease and I’m not ready to ride that roller coaster? Is my mother cruel for saying she can’t live with her too, and not letting her stay? She has her husband and her house, bus she refuses to go there, the doctors are not being compromising, and it doesn’t help us that their command of the English language is nothing short of atrocious. I feel like a real jerk telling my sister she can’t stay with me.
But thanks for the article, it’s at least given me some insight.
Stu, it sounds like what you’re doing is declining to let her rule the roost with her crazy–and yes, you absolutely get to decide that your sister’s illness doesn’t get to be in charge of everyone else’s lives–specifically, in this case, that she and her crazy don’t get to dictate *your* life.
You’re not being bad or wrong by not letting her move in.
Where she’s going to go if she doesn’t go back to her house is just something she’s going to have to work out. She doesn’t have a guardian. She’s not actively delusional enough to be held.
Either she’s competent to decide for herself where she’s going to live and how, and manage her own affairs (rage and personality issues aside) or she’s not. If she is, then it’s her problem. If she’s not, then her husband needs to go to court and get guardianship so she won’t be on the street.
It’s sad for her and it sucks. Treatment is imperfect. It might be different if she truly had *nowhere* to go, but she’s trying to run the roost (neediness, not malice). Letting the craziest person in the family run things, by default, never works out well in the long run–ask a bazillion dysfunctional families.
In families with ill folks, you kinda have to set limits and boundaries to protect the healthy from destroying themselves giving too much.
Hi Stu,
It’s really hard for anyone to determine what “too much” is for them and no one has the right to judge another person for it. If your sister’s psychosis is gone, doctors have released her and she’s working with a social worker it sounds like she has a whole lot of help already and if these people can’t get through to her about her illness and her actions, I’d say you have little chance.
All I can say is draw the boundaries that make sense for you. Offer the help that you can. And try not to beat yourself up for your choice. Remember, you can always make another choice tomorrow.
– Natasha Tracy
Thank you for this article, Natasha. I have a 22-year old son that you have described perfectly in this article. I made the decision to not allow him in my home a few years ago. He still continues to blame me for his problems, deny he has a problem, etc. etc. And, you are so right. Don’t judge until you have been in my shoes. Your article has comforted me so much. My decision to no longer enable my son has been the most painful and confusing decision I have ever made in my lifetime. Your article reminds me of the reasons I made the decisions I made and calms all of the doubts I’ve had about making them. Thank you
To Pep3,
My daughter is 17 as well. She no longer lives with us. That was her decision. We did not kick her out. She refuses to take meds or go to therapy. It breaks my heart, but I just don’t know what more I can do for her. We’re trying to maintain lines of communication, hoping she’ll choose to get help. But we can’t force her to make that decision. She’s broken all of our hearts; mine, her dad’s and her younger brother’s. It’s so hard to know what to do.
This is an extremely dangerous article.
What you are speaking about here is a severe mental illness where you are being physically assaulted etc by the ill person.
You can NOT just walk away from your “average” mentally struggling person who is feeling anxious or depressed. It is SO dangerous to do that.
You need to be extremely careful that you are not justifying your average teenager from ditching their depressed friend in their greatest hour of need.
It is NOT okay to walk away from someone undergoing a mental illness UNLESS it is one of those extreme cases.
Please do not leave someone when they need you most.
Hi A,
I do not consider writing a “dangerous” article a problem. In fact, it is an achievement. It means expressing something that others have trouble expressing. It means going against convention. It means representing a new point of view. It’s sort of what I specialize in.
And yes, I am speaking about an extreme situation here. This extreme situation happens to people every day and they deserve to have the support offered here. If people choose to use this article as an excuse to act badly, that speaks more about them than it does about me.
Yes, I would prefer that people not walk away from those with a mental illness due to lack of understanding and compassion. But the truth is, when you are not an extreme case, those who walk aren’t worthy of you anyway. And those who walk from someone because they are experiencing a very human and “normal” problem have to live with that for the rest of their lives.
– Natasha Tracy
I have sent a detailed email to you Natasha criticising the article, but not in the spirit of ‘behaving badly’. My situation as an unwell person fell into an extreme ‘enough’ category but I believe that mitigating behaviour of mine before and after the spell means I have been hard done by as a loyal friend, now having to go make new ones.
You know what my ex has told me to read this and said this is the reason he leaft me i had post natal after giving birth to my daughter u have now enables hom to tinkk all mental illnesses are the same and people dont get over them.
Now i havent seen my daughter in 12 months because u say here to insure saftey.
He is depressive with pshycotic symptoms i know worry about her saftey 24/7 and im youve also given him ideas to tell the court for instance i got arrested for apparently smashing up his car when i didnt lnpw were he was. But sure enough i was charged.
And now get pics of my daughter with bongs sent to me and such and not even the police after i reported it have been able to find him.
What do u sujest i do?
Hi Rebecca,
That sounds like a pretty tough situation. It sounds like your ex used this article as a weapon against you, which isn’t reasonable or the intent of the article.
What you need to do is contact Social Services. You can’t let a child be in an unsafe environment and Social Services are the one to sort out the mess you are in. You just can’t handle the situation by yourself. (Contacting a lawyer, if you can afford it, would also be a good idea.)
– Natasha Tracy
The heart break will never end and fills me with overwhelming feelings of pain and loss and failure. I’ve lost my darling daughter to mental illness and now she is so lost. she’s only 17 and I retian a tenuous thread of hope that things may change before our lives end. If they don’t then our spirits will be reunited. Thank you for your article, it touched my heart so deeeply.
I tried and tried to get him evaluated by someone. Afraid he wouldn’t make it on his own. Afraid of him being taken advantage of. No one would help me. I finally just had to throw him out – after being abused for 15 grueling years. He is making it ok. After 2 months, my depression began to lift. Then I packed up and moved 1500 miles. The VA is taking care of him. My time in prison is over. I realized no one would take responsibility as long as I was still being his slave. Now I get to really live!!!! Yippppeee
Hi Isabelle,
Sound like you made a really tough decision and it worked out in a very good way. By taking your own step forward you allowed (and perhaps forced) someone else to as well. Good for you.
– Natasha Tracy
Im so tourn between the two. I’m in love but hate what this disease has done to our relationship… Damn it I feel like I’m bipolar now! If I say I’m done or want out he throughs a fit. I’ve been abused by him physically and has an excuse as to why he did it or how the object managed to hit me! He’s vandalized my car and never fixes what he breaks or distroys. Please help!!!!
“If I say I’m done…he throws a fit” – this is not a good reason to stay in the relationship. That’s where my advice ends, I’ve never had to get out of an abusive relationship before.
Hi Stephanie,
In my opinion, the issue is not the mental illness but the abuse. No one has the right to abuse you regardless as to whether he has a mental illness or not. You need to end any relationship that is abusive. You are worth more than that.
– Natasha Tracy
I am going through this now with my 20 year old daughter I am at the place where I am ready to say goodbye. I feel as if I am numb but I don’t see any other choice. She won’t get help and I have a 9 year old son I have to protect. I know I won’t be the same for a long time
Hi Lisa,
You’re probably right, you probably won’t.
But if I may offer one sentiment of hope. It may not always be this way. If you leave the door open to supporting her if she chooses to receive help in the future, then maybe when she’s ready, things can change for both of you. Our diseases change no matter what, and we change with them, and maybe that change can be positive in the future.
I’m not saying hold your breath, I’m just saying that there is hope.
– Natasha Tracy
I love this article.My brother sufferred from bipolar disorder and disappeared from our lives for 30 years and now my son was involuntarily committed and has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder.As you know,there is no talking to or convincing a bipolar person.We have been enabling him and he is living with a woman who has had him arrested 4 times and each time then admits she has lied about him and had the charges dropped.My husband bought a small business for him which he ran into the ground in a year.When i heard he was with this woman,again,also an obviously mentally ill person,i got into the car and drove to Texas from North Carolina,a bipolary response to my bipolar situation. I cannot convince my husband that he just has to let our son go,we have spent the last 15 years dealing with problems my son has generated as a result of his mental illness and i am exhausted.I just want to get out and away from them both,every day i am waiting for the shoe to drop,for him to get arrested,or killed,or worse,have him hurt someone…My therapist told me i have only 2 options,radical acceptance or leave…it seems i cannot do either…but your letter is heartening and i feel less alone after reading it,thankyou
Hi Anne,
Thank-you for sharing your story. I would tend to agree with your therapist but I can understand how neither of those options can feel like they are possible.
If this article has helped a little, then I’m honored. You’re not alone in your struggles. You’re in a tough spot, to be sure, but you can make it through, one moment at a time.
– Natasha Tracy
I love this article, it’s so true and puts me at peace. This is what I believed through out my whole entire relationship. I just broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He is schizoaffective. From the start I knew he was sick, but didn’t realize how serious it really was. He would take things literally at times, for instance, ” Kevin how did you eat all that?” then he would reply ” You calling me fat???”. He was moping around at times when I wanted to be happy. Falling asleep all the time, stealing without remembering. But we did have our happy moments when we were together as well. I know he loved and still loves me. He was always caring, and never insulted me nor abused me. But he was always depressed and sick. We used to fight a lot. His mother enables his illness by making excuses for him, saying the way he acts is because of his illness, over and over. He has put NO EFFORT at all to get better, he keeps his mind on the negative. His therapist barley ever addressed his behavioral issues, or the fact that his mother still does almost everything for him like he is a 5 year old child when he is 19( I am 18). Throughout our 5 month relationship he matured. But suddenly he began to have a bad stealing problem, claiming he couldn’t remember when he does it. I don’t know if he could be lying or not, but regardless of that I know for a fact it’s dangerous to be with someone who has lapses in their memory.
I accidentally pressed enter too soon. I decided to leave it as we remain friends. I told him I cannot have a life with someone like him who brings me down, although I know he loves me and cares for me, and is there for me through thick or thin. I told him he is too depressive and I will never be able to have the life I want with him because of his sickness. I told him he was letting himself go,he gained 50 lbs in a matter of 5 months. He graduated a year ago and doesn’t even try to look into colleges. I told him he falls asleep all the time and how would we ever have a future together like that. Leave him home alone with the kids and he ends up falling asleep? An SSI check would not be enough, even if I do work. After I told him all this, suddenly he wanted to change. Was begging me for another chance even though I gave him MANY chances. All of a sudden he is looking into colleges and taking the SAT. He says he wants to change for me. I don’t even know if he will. I want to remain his friend, but nothing intimate, help him a bit with the college process and that is it. I miss him to death. I’ve been crying and crying even though I’m the one that broke up with him. I know that I had to leave him for ME, to insure I will have the life that I want to have in the future. I can’t have someone bringing me down, but I still love him and think I always will. A small part of me wants to give him another chance but I know I can’t. I need advice. I want a successful future, a college education, a family, a nice house. I want to live my life to the fullest… I know that I could probably never do that with him and his depressive illness and mood swings. On top of that I have problems of my own, with a bi polar mother( my father died 4 years ago.) It kills me to see his mother enable him, and tell him that I try to turn him against her. But it’s the truth! His mom thinks I don’t care about him, but she doesn’t realize that what she is doing is horrible for his health, making excuses. His medicine doesn’t work, and over the course of a year they have ben changed MULTIPLE times, therapy doesn’t help, his family doesn’t. I know I was helping him a bit, but my sympathy will never get him to a normal life. I pray he tries to change, this is killing me. Advice please.
I obviously this is a decision you have had to take on your own and no one else has a right to tell you if it was right or wrong, because this is about YOUR life. I would suggest this, however: I suspect both you AND his mother are PARTLY right and PARTLY wrong in how you judge what he can do and cannot.
Mental illness CAN be disabling, CAN suck out the life of a person such they are unable to help themselves to for some of the time or all of the time. The mentally ill person cannot always “pull themselves together” to do the right thing. So, she may be right in saying the illness disables him. But she may be wrong to assume it ALWAYS does, or always WILL disable him; there may be windows of sunlight through the clouds that allow him to be proactive, but fall inactive afterwards. You, however, are right to feel that you have a right to a full life – indeed, if one believes having a life is a “gift” then we have an ‘obligation’ to live it to the full, not sacrifice our life for another because everyone is of equal worth – no one is worth more than another such that we should sacrifice ourselves for them, or them for us. (Even the main religion’s texts only demand we show others compassion – they do not demand we should show any less compassion to ourselves than for any one individual!)
Thanks for this. I just left my boyfriend who I believe is a sociopath. The grief I feel over that loss and the loss of his young son is so very intense. It’s hard to bear sometimes, but ultimately I need to feel safe again. I don’t want to continue having nightmares and using a burglar alarm. I know as long as I keep him out of my life, I will heal.
You are absolutely disgusting ENCOURAGING people to leave the mentally ill person in their life.
Evidently you have spent years of your life with the mentally ill or you would not make a statement like that.You have not been in a car driven 100 miles an hour,or had your outer door ripped of its hinges,or had your walls covered with paintings of bloodshot eyes,you have not watched while 150,000 worth of a business has been destroyed by manic episodes,or been screamed at because you will not lend money to this person so they can sue you.You have not had people disappear from your life,return,disappear again with no hint as to where they were or what they were doing.You have not spent years of your life going from jail to hospitals to jail trying to help a loved one who cannot be helped…waiting every day for the news that the worst has happened,your loved one is dead,or in prison,or has hurt someone else…so dont judge…this advice is good advice…no one deserves to life a life in hell when it serves no purpose,does not keep the mentally ill person safer and just jeopardizes the rest of the family
Eloquently put.
Well said.
Hi everyone,
I’m grieving the loss of a relationship with my oldest sister (I have two). I’m the youngest in the family and took the role of “scapegoat” in this scenario. We grew up with a borderline personality mother (she may have been bipolar) and an alcoholic father. My sister is 14 years older than I and always thought of me as a “child” of hers. She has two children and is a good mother, by all accounts. I had to leave the relationship when the insults, abuse, denial, and intrusion into my life became unbearable. I had to leave the town she lives in because she almost cost me my job with her constant calling me at work. She blames everyone else for her life and complains and gossips about everyone. I couldn’t take it anymore. She spontaneously went off her meds about five years ago without her doctor’s approval and started yelling at me and intruding with her constant phone calls to my home. She is widowed. I do have love for her, but the time has come for me to say goodbye to the relationship, for my survival and the survival of my marriage. There are many of my family members who are mentally ill. It is hard to admit, but once one does accept the fact that some people are mentally ill, it becomes clear that you must go on with your life, as they will not get well if they refuse to get medical care.
Thanks for listening.
Mary- I am so sorry to hear about your grief but at the same time I find some (small) strength in your actions. I am also grieving with the loss of relationship with my older sister. I keep thinking if I could just reach out to her, and love her, she will get help. But she won’t. And her actions are making my mother and kids live in fear every time they are home during the day and she comes around knocking on the door or making us all scan the area whenever we leave the house. I feel a change in myself, and it’s not strength. It’s depression, complete loss of focus and a strange sensation of my body shutting down whenever I see or hear anything having to do with her. Thank you for your strength and clarity.
My boyfriend is bipolar. We live together for 8 months. We both 25 years old and I’m his caretaker and motivater. My life with him it’s a rollercoster but most of the time I can relate to him and understand why he reacts the way he reacts. It’s a learning process. I’ve learned TODAY that the only way to help him is to keep myself sane and in a good mood but it’s hard because his emotional abuse (on his manic phase) accumulates on my heart and I just want to explode as well. Sometimes I try too hard to please him and it feels it’s not enough but it is. We are a team. Many people say I am going to lose my Youth but this is the life I chose and it’s worth it. This bipolar man is the man who helps me to move foward and motivates me to give my best on everything. However the path is hurtful and there are times expectations are not met. I wouldn’t change my life for nothing and I want to have a family with this man. The way to deal with them is to rational and non emotional when they’re manic or depressive. When they’re well you can explain to them how you feel and It’s also important to let them know their behavior.
Hi Larissa. You do seem to be coping and learning about the disorder. I wish you well and can totally relate to what you have written. I am in a similar position. I have been with my gorgeous rollercoaster for six years and he really is the man of my dreams however I am finally realising that unfortunately things are not going to get any easier. He won’t take meds. I hope things are better for you. If you can though please would you give it a good few years before you decide to have children??? Best of luck. Caroline
My father disowned me because I stayed away from a very toxic marriage between he and my mother. He an alcoholoic, her narcissistic disorder. Because our childhood was so abusive and traumatic, I suffer severe sever PTSD as do three sisters, and BIpolar !. The all inherited. Still, they walked away from me though they all take psychotropic medicines also and under go therapy. I loved my parents and my youngest sister. I never thought she would bend considering I was there for her so much, but once she received Will and Trust, she walked. I grieve alot. There is no one. What she did was for her happiness I guess like when my head shrinkers ask me to separate from mey family. My soul is damaged, I have no hope, family,nor will to survive after a double mastectomy, Fema flood, loos of three dogs, and a cat. I can’t paint which was my profession, nor garden as I blew a disc out. MYjoy is gone and I think God is silent. I’m in my late forties but feel a 100 and think life is over. Friends all say I’ll survive, but deep in my heart, I’m already gone. I was a survivor and fighter for so long and these last years have taken their toll. People leave for their happiness, but they leave for guilt sometimes too, like my mom who blew me off after my father’s death. Hard to think they did not do not love me. People don’t get that part. You can lose so much and feel so small when you are sick. Sometimes there is nothing left. You are doing time or it is doing you.
It’s so painful to leave someone with a mental illness. Well, in my case it is a good friend, once a lover. He hit bottom in both his alcoholism and his mental illness. He called me out of the blue and was homeless. I offered a temporary place to stay, and my nightmare began. I feel obligated to him as he tells me there is nowhere for him to go; his family has disowned him etc. But he follows me around questioning everything I do. He has delusions and hallucinations. I finally said “Move out or get on meds.” He chose the latter and was initially diagnosed with severe depression and underlying schizophrenia. Fast forward 4 months later, and my hell has returned. He is no longer on meds and is delusional again. Never before had his delusions and paranoid thoughts involved me. This time it was all about me. I kicked him out and his Dad told me it was illegal for me to kick him out; I have to give him 30 days notice. It’s an unbelievable mess I’m in and I’m so resentful and also feel helpless. There is nothing I can do except wait it out. Thirty days will be up on August 18th, 2012 and I’m so anxious I can’t sleep or eat. I’m so disgusted with his family who are so “grateful” I helped him help himself and get to a psychiatrist and now they want to take legal action if I kick him out. Disgusting. So if you are a friend thinking of helping someone with a mental illness, run the other way. Call me bitter in Boise.
Hi May,
I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such a tough time. You’ve done what you thought was best and it didn’t turn out. Try to remember though, not all people with a mental illness are like that. Not everyone has those symptoms and not everyone just goes off their medications.
I hope your 30 days move quickly and you’re able to get your peace back.
– Natasha Tracy
May- I hope your 30 days pass quickly as well. We are in the exact same situation, only it’s my sister living in my mother’s house (who stays with us because she feels unsafe). We had her temporarily detained and at the hearing offered her two choices- get treatment or eviction. She chose not to get treatment. So we had the Sheriff’s office deliver an eviction notice. Our deadline is Aug 10. However, we are discovering that we can’t just change the locks that day. On that day we can go to the court to file a summons (which can take up to 30 days) for everyone to appear in court for some sort of verdict. Then it can take another 30 days for the Sheriff’s office to actually conduct the eviction. So, up to 90 days for a 30-day eviction notice. I feel sick that it is coming to this and hope that if she doesn’t choose help, she chooses to go quietly. We are all at our breaking points, it has gone on too long. I wish you strength and patience as you go through this process.
I agree with you, after having my schio-affective disorder BIL living with us / off us for two months I can see where you are coming from. He left the bedroom he used in a shambles. It stunk of body odor from him and his unwashed clothing. I had to throw out the pillows, comfortor, sheets and towels he used due to this horrendous order from him. He basically refused to shower on a daily or even weekly basis. He refused to drop his clothes to laundromat to be washed. He ended up wearing my husbands clothing, down to the underwear as a result of this. The cell phone I got for him and paid for was not good enough for him, he did not like having to pay $15 every couple of weeks to add minutes/texts to it. He never bought any groceries, paid for any meals out, put any gas in the car, paid for any tolls. If we asked him to empty the dishwasher and take the garbage in the morning time he would request that we leave a note for him to do this, otherwise he would forget. He was completely self-centered and self-obsessed, to the point that if it was not about his herbal remedies, his reading, his accupunture, his appointments then it was of no significance to him. He left dirty dishes on the coffee table, put dirty clothing under his bed. Took taxis and had us pay for them, went out to lunch with no money in his wallet, called us and we had to pay for that. It makes me wonder where does mental illness end, and manipulation begin. I could see he was manipulating his brother but my husband believes that his disorder is the excuse for everything. I don’t believe this. I believe he is a mentally ill guy who is being medicated, and manipulates anyone around him that will fall for his sorry story.
I wanted to thank you for your comment. You described my brother (Ray) exactly! He had a stroke this past December, 2011 and it affected a part of his brain that has caused him to act the very same way as you described your BIL. He has always been like this to an extent, but nowhere near this bad! I have tried to do all I can for him, and so has his good friend. But two weeks ago, we both just had to stop. My brother would call and call (up to 20 times a day) and leave hateful messages on both of our phones because we wouldn’t go do whatever he wanted. He threatened to kill me and my daughter. He took a cab to this friend’s house because he was mad that the friend quit answering the phone, then expected the friend to pay $49 cab fare! When the friend said he was not paying for the cab, Ray threatened him and his family. They have a no trespassing order on him now, and I have a no-contact order! After I have bent over backwards to help him since his stroke, and even way before that, and he treats us like this. I agree that it is painful to watch him destroy himself, but I had to finally come to the conclusion that there is nothing I can do for him.
Hi Cici,
Well, no one ever said people with a mental illnesses were angles. People with mental illness are just like anyone else – good, bad and otherwise.
Unfortunately, it sounds like he’s a person with a mental illness who has some pretty destructive behaviors towards others.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi all,
I have recently been diagnosed with bipolar 2 ans have had it most of my life. Anyway my finance left me when I was younger I didn’t realize my problems then. Next was with a girl for 10 years, married plus 4a kids. She told me I needed help for depression. Tried to fight it like anyone who first realises, then sought help and she decided to leave me and I ended up in hospital treated for situation depression. As I was fixated on the divorce. 7 weeks later had enough of treatment and did all they said just to get out. Had to rebuild again with nothing. Next and current girlfriend advised me I needed help so went through process again and took several months to get diagnosed with bipolar. Only started treatment now she wants to leave me to. I put everything into these relationships and always come out with nothing so what is the point of getting treatment to end up alone? I have low self esteem and social anxiety as well. I own a business dont drink do drugs or cheat. I cook and clean and look after hers and my kids most weekends by myself. I know everyone has a breaking point and understand how hard my moods can be on people. I know they need a break to but how do I get a break from it, how do you get people to stand by and support you. Obviously this all creates so many trust and self doubt issues for me. It really frustrates me when dr etc tell me I am the only one who can help me. Meds may help but why do I need to change who I am just so I can help myself. Oh I could go on for ages venting just frustrated trying to deal with my illness and relationships at the same time. The vicious circle seems never ending how many times can someone keep picking themselves up after this?
Ok love your brutal honesty and others unbiased opinions on here, like many just struggling for the strength to fight this. Thanks for letting me have the opportunity to talk without someones opinions.butting in and distracting my thought lol.
Hey Travis! Thanks for your honesty. And just from my perspective, I appreciate you acknowledging some of the challenges you face. One thing I did learn from being with some who I believe struggles with mental illnesses was my codepency tendencies. Where I lacked in self esteem or confidence or where my insecurities lied I realized I used relationships to I’ll that gap. I did realize eventually is I needed to be able to cope on my own or have a counsellor coach me through those feelings and help me deal with them instead of expecting my relationships to mask or sooth the lack of self esteem or confidence. I also learn to be comfortable alone. My neediness to want companionship and to be wanted and loved distracted me from developing my own internal coping skills. You sound like you have a lot of great things going on for you. Never give up on yourself and be consistent with treatment because you are worth the effort. Im sure in time you will have the companion that can come along side you and support and encourage you in you commitment to great mental health. Best wishes.
I think most people do what can for those they love. When it comes time and it’s too much something has to change. Otherwise it is in it’s own way insanity expecting a different result but doing nothing diferent. Walking away from abuse or threats of violence/death isn’t easy. You know it’s the illness/illnesses talking but no one should risk it. The flip side is that most MI people as far as I know aren’t abusive and desire to have a life of their own. Sometimes it is hard to give up what you know for the unknown no matter how much you want it. It becomes a round and round without an end in sight. Some times I think anger is a mask of fear. People fear they will be left alone and on their own even if they aren’t abusive themselves.
I agree with all you have written, but it is clear that the group of people with mental illness you describe are a minority of people with mental illness. Unfortunately, I think there are many of us who are taking responsibility for our disease who have been left emotionally or physically because of the stigma, fear, and lack of education about mental illnesses, rather than the presence of addiction or abuse in the relationship. It speaks to the critical need for a realistic undestanding of mental illness and the average people who suffer from them.
Hi Dana,
You’re absolutely right. I’ve written about that too. Most of us are just, well, pretty normal folk and many of us have lost people for no reason but stigma and lack of understanding.
This topic is just something I needed to address as I’m contacted fairly frequently by families facing this situation. Yes, they are the minority, but a minority that is in a very tough spot.
– Natasha Tracy
I am all in agreement if the person, with mental illness, is being abusive and their behavior is causing great havoc and chaos within another’s life.. for the other to just up and go, for their own sake of being. Even if, that person with mental illness – that is being abusive and their behavior is causing great havoc and chaos… is actually “trying” to get help – for we all know that sometimes it takes quite a while for all the help to kick in and start working, especially where interchanging of meds is concerned.
That being said; when someone is NOT abusive, and their behavior overall is not causing a great havoc and chaos… and you’ve spent considerable time getting to know the person – falling in love perhaps with the person – and maybe even marrying or moving in with the person (thus seeing them through the “ups” and the “downs”)… it’s a pretty hard chunk to swallow to say “Well, you know… i didn’t really anticipate this and I didn’t sign up for it and well, this sucks and this isn’t how I pictured our life as being. You aren’t living up to my expectations and though you have a illness that you say is not your fault, and your docs say is not your fault, and yeah – you are getting help.. it’s just not enough for me. So, I’m gone because my life is miserable and I deserve something better.”
and you know… there are folks exactly like that
you hear of husbands (and sometimes, the flip side, wives), who have absolutely no complaint of their spouse’s child caring – cooking – hasn’t cheated – good with the money…
“BUT those damn mood swings and on those meds she’s gained a lot of weight and she can’t seem to get off the couch most days. She’s let herself, the house, the cleaning, and the cooking all go considerably since that last hospitalization she was in, and those meds she is on just leaves her sitting there like a lump. She’s not working and well, it’s not what I pictured living my life with every day. The bills are piling up, she’s needing this care and that care and this appointment and that appointment, and all the money for all those meds the doc keeps changing. If she’d just cook, clean, lose that weight, and show some umpf about her then maybe but damn… this is not what I pictured life as being.”
Then you have those with alzheimer’s and some with cancer, their behavior and mood swings shift, abusive – they become different people than what they once were, etc… that the illnesses/disorders cause over time. Spouses and family and friends will stick with them so much longer and care for them so much more, as a whole, because “it’s not their fault.”
Even worse is when the one with the mental illness ISN”T the one causing the havoc, chaos, or being abusive towards the other (cause not ALL with mental illness are).. and it’s the other way around.
Then you’d say that the one with the mental illness had every right to a happy life as well. right?
Hello Natasha
You mentioned that you might publish other people’s “words” if you felt them appropriate. I’ve attached something for you to consider.
Cheers
Jillian
My husband was recently diagnosed with bi-polar disorder. By recently I mean, he had his first “attack” three years ago now and it has taken that long to officially diagnose his condition.
We have been to hell and back. At first, he simply broke down and was completely removed from our world. This was probably the easiest time to treat him, as there simply was no choice but to hospitalise him. From here the bipolar really set in, but not knowing what it was or having had any experience with bi-polar – in fact having only really experienced a few people manage depression – it took a long time to work out the cycles of highs and lows and seek the proper treatment that he needed. All the while the disease worsens.
We were fortunate though as we had the most incredible mental health service at our finger tips. The Marrickville Mental Health crisis team were on hand 24 hours a day and provided me the support and security that I needed to help manage my husband and run a family of four children under ten.
So as far as our team of medical experts goes, we have been very lucky.
Where we haven’t been so lucky is with the stigma associated with bi-polar.
Our local community has been amazing and have rallied around us whenever we needed support and not judged my husband or myself for his condition.
Family, on the other hand have been the ones that have let us down.
I know, or hope really, that this is born out of love, but boy, it’s a funny way of showing it.
Throughout the past two and a half years my husband’s younger sister who lives in a different state has made no contact with us. Not a phone call, ever, to see how he was, how I was or to even chat about the weather. But on a recent extended visit to Queensland, she let loose.
It appears she has found it difficult to cope with having a sibling with such a disorder. She accused him of “taking the family down”, “embarrassing the family” and the piece de resistance “you fat alcoholic, lithium taking c…, go back to Sydney”. Nice.
She and her medico husband thought they had all the answers of how to fix my husband. They accused me of not getting him the right treatment and him not following the right mental health plan. I found this difficult to comprehend with the lack of contact they’ve had with us since the onset of the disease.
It’s funny you know, because if it was cancer or diabetes, everyone could cope and I think perhaps even feel a bit sorry for him, me. But with mental illness, somehow we’re responsible and therefore open to scrutiny.
What I want to say to people out there who know someone with bi-polar, please don’t judge them, please don’t try to fix them. What they need is your support. Bi-polar manifests itself in many different ways, each person experiencing the symptoms just that little bit differently. Just like chicken pox. Some have dreadful sores over their entire body, some a few spots.
Remember, those with bi-polar can’t help it. They don’t like it. But they have to live with it. And guess what? They are normal, functioning human beings, just like someone with diabetes.
Don’t be afraid of them or the illness. Learn about LIVING with bi-polar. You can’t fix them, you can only support them. But don’t do so in a patronising way. Act in a way that you would your mate with epilepsy or diabetes. Most of the time you forget.
There’s nothing to be afraid of, but a lot to be learnt.
Hi Jillian,
Yes, I’m happy to feature other people’s experiences here on the Burble but you have to read the information here and contact me that way: https://natashatracy.com/_features/guest-writing-bipolar-burble-blog/
– Natasha Tracy
what if the getting better process is more than you can deal with? I have horrible guilt about wanting out of a LTR because the getting better involves so much drama that I can’t focus on my own health and happiness. I feel like I’m sucked dry all the time, and that there’s no fun or joy left in our relationship (a tragedy in itself). I can’t even say, “there’s nothing I won’t do to help you get better” – because I’m not willing to hang in there til he is. (and is there a “better” with BPD?)
Hi Mosiegirl,
I’m sorry to hear that it’s that hard on your relationship. I think that recovering from any major illness can be horrible and traumatic on any relationship. I can’t say what’s right for other people. I know that everyone has their breaking point, and maybe you hit yours. I don’t know that I can to much to assuage your guilt, but all I can say is that we make the best decisions we can at the time we make them. And sometimes we wish we were more noble than we are. I’d say that makes you human.
– Natasha Tracy
Excellently written and a deep analysis of both angles of the situation. Check out the book “Angelhead: My Brother’s Descent Into Madness.” It underscores why sometimes leaving, for the sake of one’s own sanity, emotional and even physical well being, is necessary.
Another fabulous post Natasha. As a mental health professional, I love the honesty and freshness with which you discuss your illness.
What if your the one with the mental illness and you want to leave for your caretakers sanity
Ooooh! Difficult one! I guess that, since you would be the one who is ill then your thinking may be clouded and unable to judge well what would be right for them as much as it would be for yourself; bear in mind the advice we usually get when we are in a disturbed state is to avoid making life-changing decisions. I suppose the best one could to is to make sure they understand that YOU would understand if they left, and leave the decision to them; after all, it is their life – you can’t live it for them – they should be allowed to make up their own minds.
Hi @angelsduckie,
That is a very tough one. On the one hand, I applaud you for taking the needs of others into consideration – even if it means putting someone else’s desires first. On the other hand, I believe that we _need_ to allow others to make their own decisions about us. You can’t say what’s right for another person and if someone wants to be there for you, you have to trust that as an adult they can make their own decisions.
My recommendation is just to talk to the person in question about your feelings. This can probably be resolved with a conversation. It’s likely that no one needs to walk away. You can simply express the concerns that are leading you to this position and try to find a way to work with them that works for both of you.
You are brave to realize that you might need to sacrifice for another, but most of the time, that isn’t necessary – people really can take care of themselves.
– Natasha Tracy
Thank you for saying its okay. I recently separated from my husband who I suspect is either bipolar, narcissistic or both. I spent a year with a psychologist who try to coach me how to try to deal with my spouse because I truly saw the own pain he was going through, but he refused to acknowledge he had any major issues, that he just had problems like any normal person. I tried to reassure him that nothing could make me love him less that we could face anything together, rather he continued to I insist there was nothing wrong with him and that he didn’t need help and that I made him miserable. He then began getting extremely controlling and abusive. I stayed for two years when the psychologist looked at me and said she had noted unhealthy emotional decline in me. I wish my husband was willing to do anything to stay healthy, but I think his pride refuses to accept he has mental issues because he thinks it’s a stigma ( I don’t ). I feel guilty for leaving…because I’ve often read stories from people with mental health issues and the people who ran away. I didn’t want to be that person. Your article has given me some peace.
Hi TryingtoUnderstand,
I’m sorry. I feel for you. I always feel when one person in a relationship is trying to do everything they can to get the relationship to work and the other person doesn’t follow suit. That’s tough no matter what the circumstance. But, of course, you can’t change people and no one can _force_ a person into being something the person doesn’t want to be. Your husband didn’t see a problem so even though the problem was hurting you, he refused to see it and thus felt there was nothing to address.
If I were consulting with you and you gave me that information I would tell you to get counselling :) And you did all you could. And then, after trying for so very long, you had to do what was right so you could live the happy life you deserve. It’s reasonable, it’s self-care and you deserve it.
– Natasha Tracy
I needed every word of this! My sister disowned me last year at this time in a psychotic rage. I was 7-months pregnant. She hasn’t seen my baby. It was a blessing in disguise. My mom wants me to fix it & I refuse. My sister is untreated bipolar & I’m still unbalanced from having the baby. I was just asked if she apologizes will I forgive her?
Yes, I will forgive her – I already have in my heart.
No, I will not have her in my life until she seeks help.
Hi Courtney,
It sounds like you have found something that works for you. It good that you have forgiven her in your heart, and maybe one day you’ll tell her that, but you’re right to draw limits about the kind of role she can play in your life. That is something we all need to learn to do with people, regardless of illness.
– Natasha Tracy
What makes or breaks any relationship is how people conduct themselves towards one another when the chips are down.
All chronic conditions require acceptance and management. As a mentally ill person, I would much prefer someone be honest and take off because they can’t handle my chemical imbalance. True of any personal trait I have. Yes, sometimes it hurts, but I’m not as insecure as I used to be and no one who doesn’t like that I’m [overweight, asthmatic, have greying hair, have a teenage son, that I sometimes believe in things that aren’t real, and so on] belongs with me at all. I’m a full person, not a mirror.
Since discovering I’m Bipolar and that I’m recovering from a psychotic break, being up front about these have helpfully weeded the wrong men out of my life. Dude, I’m glad you think I’m shiny and like what you see when I’m feeling good, but if you can’t handle when I’m out of it, then you don’t deserve my best. I’ve been more lonely in relationships where my needs weren’t acknowledged or met (around any issue) than any time I’ve been single.
Hi KG,
That is kind of the opposite perspective and a good point. Sometimes it’s best when people who can’t handle us leave. It is a “weeding out” of friends who really don’t deserve you.
Thanks for the reminder.
– Natasha Tracy
Here is the problem. If you’ve done everything you can do and that includes getting in patient treatment not just out patient (which rarely works) for your loved one with mental illness, if you’ve intervened and gotten them to treatment one or more times; because it may take more than one stay, if you’ve supported them by telling them repeatedly that you will help them get well but not help them stay sick, then it’s okay to leave. If you haven’t done these things then leaving a mentally ill person is as bad as leaving a person because they have cancer. If your loved one will not comply with treatment even though you’ve gotten them the best treatment possible, then you need to get out. The really sad piece of this puzzle is that standard therapy with an outpatient therapist is not especially helpful and the usual psychiatric hospital in any town rarely is a good choice and should only be used if a person is going to hurt themselves or someone else. The best treatment in America is private and costs a lot of money. Managed care has decided mostly not to cover mental health issues and that puts family in a horrible position. Get the best help for your loved one and spend the money or you may have to cut that person loose. What a terrible bind.
Hi Copperbird7,
I agree that getting people quality help matters, but people can only do what they can do and it’s understandable that most people can _never_ afford the highest quality care – no matter what.
Moreover, many people refuse treatment, period, and there is nothing you can do to get a person treatment who doesn’t want it. Yes, n the case where they are a danger to themselves or others, there are things you can do, but in most cases people have the right to refuse treatment and there’s nothing you can do.
So yes, a bind. I wish we all had more choices, but unfortunately most of the choices we have are bad.
– Natasha Tracy
People with a mental illness and the people that love them are stuck in a huge bind that is not only terrible, it’s tragic. So many people do not have access to care, and many of these people end up in jail and/or the streets. As you mentioned, managed care and/or health insurance companies have discriminated against individuals with medical conditions of a psychiatric nature. To me, this is outrageous and abominable. I live in a state that does not have enough inpatient beds to help the thousands of individuals needing care so many of these people go to jail instead. Then, the state whines about funding. If they did the math, they would see that it is cheaper to provide outpatient care and avoid a huge amount of people falling through the cracks which would cost the state thousands of dollars per year to house. Is it a crime to have a mental illness ? Should an individual who clearly has no ability to understand that they are ill be imprisoned, treated like a criminal and left to rot ? This is the severest of the cases. You can read tons and tons of stories about the blatant disregard for many mentally ill prisoners. Let’s skip over mental illness for a second and talk about mental retardation. Somehow society sees mental retardation rather differently wouldn’t you say ? Same thing with Down’s Syndrome. There are a lot of caregivers that do not want to care for their children that have a severe illness, NOT just mental illness. Personally, I wouldn’t want to watch my child suffer from a number of diseases, yet they exist. Fortunately, I do not have to because I have no children. My heart breaks for every person who chose to walk away that just couldn’t handle it anymore. Imagine being beaten, lied to, stolen from, and more from your own child !! Sadly, the parent runs out of options choosing instead defeat. If someone chooses this, then they live with their feelings and justify them however they choose. Once the child becomes an adult, the rules change yes ? There are parents that stick by their children through thick and thin, and then there are those people that use their “tough love” scenarios. Each to their own. There is a difference between therapeutic and punitive. I was reading a horror story about how an 18 year old with autism was being severely abused and electrically shocked for “acting out.” This went on while the school’s staff laughed. The story said “lawyers for the school said the shocks were administered as aversive therapy” and that the child “was an aggressive student. “ The student’s name is Andre McCollins. Andre did not ask to be autistic. How many shocks did he deserve ?
This page seems like a great place for people who need to feel better about their decision to stay or to go. May you all find peace in whatever manner you see fit. Some people can handle certain things, others cannot. Some people can reach for healthy options, some cannot. It is certainly a sad day when someone realizes they just can’t take it anymore yes ?
I am the type of person that chooses to speak up for those that cannot, including individuals with severe mental impairment aka mental illness.
This issue is never black and white. Sure, it is (I think) obvious that a person should protect their physical and mental health, and I can understand that illness can be overly dfisturbing to witness. Of the latter, I am in such a situation, where my brother cannot bear to visit our mother in a nursing home, where she kind of exists in a state of dementia. When he does go, he doesn’t stay long. But she needs to see someone regularly, so I go., It’s probably no less disturbing for me as it is to him, altho’ maybe I’m acclimatising to the experience; so, I feel angry that he leaves it mostly to me. It was the sqame before she entered the care system – when she began wandering about the streets and getting lost, it was me who had to rescue her, when she had a water infection and urinated and deficated on the floor, it was me who had to clear it up …. because someone had to and no one else was volunteering!
That said, as far as we know for sure, we only have one shot at Life. If we have any obligation to whatever gave us life, it must surely be to live that life, not to enable others to live theirs at our expense. No? Ater all, what purpose can there be in being alive if not to live a fulfilling life? Life is precious, life is short, it’s not to be wasted; but a drowning man can drown you if you persist in trying to save him when he is already lost. Is there any good reason to waste one’s own life on someone else’s lost cause? That is, unless one believes their purpose in life is to sacrifice a huge chunk of it, in which case, doesn’t that suggest we would regard our own lives as relatively less worth than the person we sacrifice ourselves for?
I’m not saying, I’m asking!
Heavens Above! What a load of utter nonsense and self-congratulatory rubbish! Have any of the commenter’s cared to investigate this discriminatory rubbish, even hastily or briefly? Any scientific, peer reviewed, reputable, methodogically respected trial or statistical analysis, will clearly inform those who mistakenly buy this absolute bull regarding individuals living with a mental illness and associated violent behaviour and/or abuse. It has been proven, time and time again, without stastical anomolies or contradictory outcomes, that persons with an experience of mental illness, wether in an active phase or other, are much more likely to be the victims of violent crimes. All crime for that matter. There are only very, very rare circumstances applicable to a particular phase of a specific psychiatric diagnosis whereby the person suffering the illness may be at a higher risk of commiting a crime, violent or otherwise. I will say that it is not Bi-Polar, nor is it BPD either. I encourage others to critically examine any reputable studies, of which there are copious quantities available on the net, and see for themselves the breakdown of these studies. Over and over again, it is the “non-mentally ill” who are the perpertraitors of crimes of violence and crimes against the person. This is true worldwide and is not a new phenomonem. Ms Tracey may be inspiring to some, but I fear she plays directly into the open arms of those who welcome this stigmatising stereotyping fallacy, who search desperately for validation for their much applauded decisions to abandon the psychiatrically disordered in their life. There are far more so called “normal” types who behave violently, aggressively, selfishly, maliciously, abusively, and myriad other hurtful and harmful behaviours, than the maligned and scapegoated persons living with mental illness in our communities. I have first hand experience caring full time for loved one’s living with psychiatric disabilities. In the course of my employment and my personal interests, I have the experience of meeting with a diverse group of people who are seriously unwell, and I have to say that being an arsehole is a non-discriminating affliction and is spread pretty well evenly through all stratas of society. This is also my experience with all manner of humans, seeking health care or not. Nasty pieces of work are fundamentally democratic and indiscriminately permeate all the arbitrary differences we use to reinforce our ego constucted ideas of superiority and inferiority. Mental Illness is no excuse for violent behaviour. There are no diagnostic criteria wherein violence towards another is a prerequisite characteristic. I have been the victim of several violent crimes, none of them perpetraited by psychiatrically disordered individuals. On the other hand, having lived, worked, and socialised with countless individuals with lived experience of mental illness since a toddler on a daily basis, I have never been the recipient of abusive or violent behaviour by these treasured friends, collegues, associates, and aquaintances. I am not suggesting that persons living with abusive behaviour of any type should accept this behaviour. I am aware that some people experiencing psychiatric malaise will be badly behaved, selfish, violent, and abusive. What I attempt to illustrate is that many more people without existing psychopathology will be violent, abusive, selfish, and abhorrent, simply because this is a chosen behaviour for them and they can. One of the other threads is repeatedly denigrating towards supposed “loved ones” who refuse to accept treatment. As many of the comments complain of a lack of insight by the accused person with mental ill health, there is an abundance of blinkered thinking, and a distinct lack of insight by many of those saying “goodbye”. In terms of medication compliance and the very common refusal of this treatment by unwell persons, there are countless reasons for this refusal, many of them understandable, even logical and intelligent. This is often reflective of the category of medication, and again I urge those condemners of non-compliance to check out the near infinite studies investigating the true efficacy of these hard-core psychotropics. I am not anti-psychiatry. I am a psychiatry enthusiast. A devotee from way back, and someone who devours a paper, test, trial, hypothesis, opinion, statistical analysis, thesis, newsletter, and even relevant legislation. Having lived with the manifestations of mental illness most of my life, and continuing to do so at present as a primary carer, I feel the full spectrum of undoubtably powerfull effects inherent in this situation. I have felt the devastation and hopelessness, the grief and helpessness, isolation, despair, frustration, and sadness to name only a few. For not one fleeting moment has the thought of wishing my loved one’s death ever crossed my mind. I do not believe the claim that this is a common occurance that counsellors would be aware of. I believe there is great value in being of service to a fellow human. This human could well have been myself. Further, in light of the highly inadequate services available (and I write from Australia where we have a public health system of no cost. How citizens of countries without government health care cope, let alone reject this model astounds me). I have written far too long, but I will finally say that it has been, and continues to be a privelage to know, love, and care for the individual in my life living with mental illness. I know that should nothing dire happen, that I will most likely care, love, support, and advocate for this unique and dear person for the rest of my life. Mental illness has no value as a construct. People have infinite value and capacities but will not believe, and subsequently realise or manifest their gifts while others lack patience, compassion, knowledge, understanding, gentleness, insight, or self knowledge of their own. If you kick a starving dog while it’s weak, it will bite back. Hurt people hurtt people. To give is the greatest gift. Take responsibilty for your part in the situation or relationship before drenching blame on another, and surrender the arrogant need to be “right” at all costs. To care for another in need is a gift and the suffering will contribute far more to your life, than you to their’s.
You argue your point well and eloquently, I think, and I agree – there is an abundance of evidence to show that mentally ill people are more at risk from harm by people who are not mentally ill than t’other way about, but I didn’t understand any commentators to be suggesting otherwise. The focus of this discussion is on those cases, those minorities of cases, where carers are being abused or dragged down, by the person they are caring for. The debate has been more about whether it is right for a carer to give up on someone who is mentally ill if they are abusing them or otherwise, destroying their lives.
I agree with Harry’s words. But I think Marguritte has only seen one side. perhaps she hasn’t been the victim of violence by the undiagnosed mentally ill. The need to defend is profound. The loss of items is profound. The confusion these supposed controlled people create around them. Their disease can be cunning, baffling and powerful. Yes, I know that some difference in peoples wiring is not mental illness and the ordinary world will radar and hurt them to feel powerful and close doors to their success. The family members who know they are mentally ill cannot see the destruction they cause to members and we have no defense against them. The lies and exaggerations and long term resentments from childhood against their siblings and parents is enormous. some lack any perception of accidents and treat everything unfair in their eyes as deliberate. One has to walk in another’s mocassins for six weeks to see the other side of the mentally ill when they drop their falsity.
THANK YOU!! … i was abused so bad during my entire marriage and endured it…it was mostly mental..but you cant file on the grounds of mental abuse in PA…THIS IS WHY WITH BIPOLAR …VIOLENT BEHAVIOR IS ALWAYS ADDED TO THE COMPLAINT..this blog or whatever is just helping those women.. since i dont see any mentioning of men.and the abuse they deal with.
all this does is help women go
“ok-well-i cant get him out for the mental illness alone ,and i know he is afraid of so much ,like courts and cops and so forth,he has no where else to go..so ill just say he is NUTS AND BEATS ME”..GUESS WHAT..IT WORKED… i am speaking from experience ..i dont even go to the very house i worked for and bought after 14 years,lived in one year …{i was BIPOLAR AND BUYING A HOME!!!..do you know how awesome i felt!} .. my still wife 5 years later- will just right infront of my kids for Gods sake…she’ll just run me off and say things like “go ahead,hit me,you know ya wanna”..etctectect.. “i already have it all.,come on,be a man,i cheated on you and your not gonna do nothing”..its all in hopes that i do… which i never have..im a calm BIPO…i dont kike fights at all.im 37 and have never raised my firsts ,ever.
so lets get a blog up about how more then often its actually the disabled being abused.
ALSO JUST LIVING WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS BIPOLAR ..if you are the persons husband or wife–ITS YOUR DUTY TO TAKE CARE OF THEM… my wife could have gotten cancer.MORPHINE makes about 1/3rd its users VIOLENT..even if they never have been.. well she could kick my a$$ everyday … i just wouldn’t want her cancer to hurt… i would do anything…anything…even take beatings becuase your meds make you that way again morphine has be known to make elderly and cancer patients violent..DO YOU SAY THEY ARE TASTING MY LIFE AWAY!!???..and leave them…as they are dying}..its not your fault…you have cancer IM HERE!!!
i married this woman…i love you and will die for you is what I say… ITS WHAT I SAID WHEN GOT MARRIED..why does it change now?
THIS BLOG OPENED THE DOOR FOR SO MANY TO JUST LEAVE BEHIND WHO THEY WERE HELPING.
THIS PART OF THE BLOG WILL DO MORE HARM THEN GOOD BY FAR.
AND BIAS ,NO DOUBT AT ALL…..WOMEN BEAT MEN,AND CHILDREN and ANIMALS ectectect! {personal experience does not excuse being BIas.}
What about those who leave a person with a mental illness that isn’t severe? Where they’re basically leaving because they don’t like the fact that their partner is sad?
I’m sure a good case can be made for that, but it’s certainly harder to defend than leaving a person who actually abuses you.
You become involved with someone because they make you happy. And if they are not making you happy you have a right to leave the relationship. They will either continue to be sad or maybe this is the catalyst for getting help with their depression.
I do think you first have to work with them on it. And, let them know how you feel and what you will do if things do not change.
Peter
You’re absolutely right, Peter. I have bipolar, with an emphasis on the depressive side. One time, after about six months solid of an extreme depression, my wife decided she had to leave me to get her own sanity back. It’s not because I wasn’t getting help; I was in a peer group, had a psychologist/therapist, and a psychiatrist and was on plenty of medication, but nothing was helping. We had, in the meantime, lost our home and gone bankrupt due to my inability to work. After she left, I took awhile to recover, but then I moved to a nearby bigger town and got busy going to the gym and joined some other self-help groups. I eventually determined that I would get better and win her back. In 1 year, I did it, and we’ve been together ever since. With her help, I closely monitor my moods and ask for a med change ASAP when needed. It’s working out so far, and it’s been 5 years now. Sometimes a mentally ill person needs a jolt back to reality, so to speak.
I am reluctant to agree that any mental illness is not “severe”. The severity is relative but all are dangerous to the person with the illness, if not always life threatening in the “live or die” sense, but always in the way of having, or not, a life that is good. Indeed, I argue that even a “low level” depression (as Dysthymic Disorder is define) is potentially fatal because it is like Chinese water-torture, a persistent, unrelenting drip drip drip of constant misery. It may allow those with it to continue functioning in a seemingly normal way but it eats away at one’s sense of purpose in life because whatever one does, it is never ultimately satisfying, always disappointing and resulting in the finale question: What is the point in living? Where am I going with this point? Here:
Now, consider what is may be like to live with someone who has even a low level depression, waking up every morning to see their miderable face, living with their lack of enthusiasm and small appetite for life … and all that implies … (“A party? I don’t want to go” “Go to visit friends for the weekend? I don’t feel like it.” “Sex? Do we have to?” “want to sleep again.” “I’m too tired to do Y now.” etc Not everyone could live with someone like that (sometimes like me!) without being slowly dragged down into their swim of never ending misery until one of them eventually expires! Does a healthy person deserve to suffer that kind of disabled life? Well, look at it this way: The advice generally given to people who want to be high achievers is to surround yourself with friends who are positive and ditch those who are negative. Save for he totally delusional, I think it;s reasonable to say that even “mildly” mentally ill people tend to be negative! So the answer to the question: “Does a healthy person deserve to live that kind of negative life?” Nope!
Sometimes people are negative and people are free to do what is right for them, but it isn’t always admirable i.e. my spouse has cancer and I can’t deal with how mopey they are all of the time…I want someone healthy and attractive. Now, I understand leaving someone who is abusive and has a mental illness, my ex threatened to kill me and I left, but I think there is a degree of selfishness amongst some here. If there wasn’t you wouldn’t have so many upset responses. My point is you can always leave, but take a second and evaluate if you are doing it to protect yourself or because you think there shouldn’t be anything unpleasant or challenging in life.
Hi Miriam,
Well, I guess what I would say about that is that people break up for a myriad of reasons and sometimes it’s because the people just don’t match. Their personalities don’t match and maybe an illness has something to do with that. I’m not sure that a person has a _responsibility_ to stay in a relationship that isn’t working just because one person is sick. I don’t think it’s about “defending” a decision as much as it is just making a life choice.
You might also break up because one person is really negative, and that might just be a personality and most people would consider that reasonable.
– Natasha Tracy
I agree with you, no one has a responsibility to stay in a relationship just because they have an illness, ever. That is called codependency. There are only so many times that one can be treated badly before wanting the other person to not be in their life. I have kidney disease and I would rather someone leave then feel obligated to stay because I am ill. That is not a healthy relationship. I have a relative I was helping who had BPD, twice I let them live with me, and twice it has caused whole family wars because this individual incites my codependent family members to let this individual go of their meds. It’s disgusting and I had to tell this individual they could never come back to live in my home. I am heartbroken because they didn’t follow their treatment plant that was helping. You break up because it is healthy for you.
A few hours ago, I found out that an ex-boyfriend, with whom I remained friends, had died from a presumed overdose. I had kicked him out of my home after several years of bad treatment, including everything you listed. He was addicted and mentally ill. I am overwhelmed with sadness that such a brilliant man had to suffer the way he did and the part I played in that. Thank you for this, it eases the pain I feel over his passing. Kind regards, -Kim
Hi Kim,
That sounds very painful but I’m thankful if I can assuage that even a little. You are not responsible for another person’s decisions, but you know that.
– Natasha Tracy
I suspect my fiancee has some serious mental issues, beyond the depression she is being treated for. I don’t think her family formally recognizes it either. She is incapable of managing her life at 44 years of age.
I tried to help her for three years. She is unable to change and continually escalates matters. Two weeks ago I moved out of our apartment. It was one of the toughest things I ever had to do.
Of course she blames me for all that is going wrong in her life since I left. And I do still love her and hate to be a cause of her sadness. But, she is so out of control I think she needs supervision.
It’s taring me up inside because as you know, I am Bipolar II and would be devastated if someone left me because of my illness. I appreciate your blog as it is giving me the strength I need to get through this day. Even when you know the right thing to do, it helps to hear someone else reinforce it.
Peter
Damned tough decision, Peter. Don’t beat up on yourself, mate – being BP II makes YOU vulnerable to the stresses that can trigger mood swings and take you to the places of nightmares in real life, not those of bad dreams. Remember, you have to keep yourself safe and well before you can even think of helping anyone else! From one BP II to another – good luck! :¬)
Hi Peter,
I’m sorry you’re in that situation and I’m sorry you are being blamed for all the problems in another person’s life, but as you know, whomever you are, whatever your circumstance, you _have_ to take responsibility for your own life. You did it, and you have an illness, now she has to as well.
It’s tough, but maybe in the long run it will help her find her path.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Natasha.
Thank you very much for this article. My brother has suffered from schizophrenia since he was 20 years old. He is also an addict. My mother did everything to get him help for years. The stress it caused her literally killed her. She died from a stroke 6 years ago. The night before she died, she was very upset over my brother. He has been in and out of mental institutions and jail. He just got released yet again and wants to live with me. I can’t allow it. But the guilt and pain is overwhelming beyond comprehension. I am so empathetic and sad for his pain but also still incredibly angry over the anguish he caused my mother. And i fear him. I suffered a massive depression after she died and still fight those demons every so often. I can’t handle “taking him in”… But I also can’t handle the thought of him hurting himself or dying after I refused to let him stay in my home. I’m afraid of him and don’t trust him. He has no where to go and must feel so incredibly hopeless, alone, and afraid. Although I’m not even sure he even has a soul or feels anything. This is so hard.
Jessica
He always has somewhere to go. Don’t let him deceive you. Where are his own friends, addicts or the recovery programs to get well? You are a source of money and material wealth to him only. They only are feeding their disease and have no real self while under the control of their disease. Your welfare must come first. Glad you are feeling guilty it means you are doing the right thing when dealing with an addict. Let him fall in a big hole, it maybe what forces him to get help. We can’t help. Avoid letting his feelings be felt in your mind. Let him have his own feelings, it’s not our place to rescue when it maybe necessary to lead him to a place of wellness. Well done!
Elequently put. Well done!