Living in the moment doesn’t always work and it doesn’t work for everyone, period. This is one of my biggest problems with pop psychology and the one-size-fits-all nonsense spouted on popular websites untethered by science. Science can’t tell you many things but one thing it’s clear on is that anything only has a percentage chance of working — and that percentage is never 100 percent. In other words, no matter how sage the advice, it doesn’t work for all people. And while “live in the now” or “live in the moment” sounds good and fits on a bumper sticker, I just don’t find it works for everyone — particularly not the seriously, chronically ill — and it certainly doesn’t work all the time.
Does Living in the Moment Help You?
I wrote once that mindfulness doesn’t help my bipolar disorder. It doesn’t. People get mad at me for saying it, but that doesn’t make it untrue. And if these people were to think logically for a moment and look at the science they would see that while mindfulness certainly does help some people, it doesn’t help everyone. That’s what studies show us — they show us what percentage of people are helped by something. And again, that number is never 100 percent.
And one of the central ideas in mindfulness is, to put it simply, living in the moment. The “living in the moment” concept has been around for a long time but it’s really cemented when you learn about mindfulness.
The idea is that most of our pain comes from worrying about the past and future. It focuses on the idea that if you live in your body, right now, you’ll see that things are really okay
This is sometimes true. Sometimes people do ruin their now with worries of yesterday and tomorrow. We do this unconsciously. We let “monkey mind,” as some call it, spin and tumble and take us out of our perfectly fine “now” by focusing on all the other things in the world.
I understand this.
But the thing is, sometimes “now” and “the moment” is utterly horrific and not worth living in at all.
When Living in the Moment Doesn’t Work, Doesn’t Help
I’m going through a rough time. I’m doing a cross-taper of medications right now — that means withdrawing from one medication while getting on another. While a cross-taper is awful, it’s often better than trying to get off of one medication before getting on another when you’re in a serious condition. That’s because people in serious conditions can’t afford to not be on medications — even for a short period — as they become unstable and things become potentially lethal. (Note it’s not possible to cross taper all medications.)
On top of that, my back went out and it’s requiring it’s own medications and doctor appointments. And there’s dental stuff going on. There is not a second when I’m awake when various forms of pain are not plaguing me.
And see, that’s the problem with living in the moment. My moment is ridiculously awful. Believe me, it’s not “monkey mind” or the past or the future doing this, it’s very much the present.
Living for Tomorrow Instead of Living for Today
So I live for tomorrow. I’m living for the next moment, certainly not this one. And sometimes that’s what life gives us. Sometimes that’s all that is available. Sometimes tomorrow really is our best bet. Sometimes all the pills and skills in the world won’t turn this moment into something that feels like it’s worth living for. And I want to let people know that this is okay. Sometimes all you have is the idea that tomorrow won’t be as bad as today and it’s okay to live for that. It’s okay to put aside the trite notions of “living for today” and “living in the moment” and live for whatever-the-hell-you-can. Look forward to weekend brunch (I do). Look forward to the next time you get to hold a baby (or a kitten). Look forward to the next hour you get to spend with a friend. Look forward instead of gazing inward. This is okay, no matter what a mindfulness therapist tells you.
Because in the end whatever works for you to cling to in moments of agony is what works for you. Sometimes this moment, the one we are living right now, is a fucking write-off. I know we’re not supposed to think or say that, but it’s true. But tomorrow won’t necessarily be the same. No matter how hard today is, tomorrow has the power to be different.
So I say live in tomorrow if you have to. It’s okay. What matters is that you keep living, no matter what that looks like and no matter what you need to make that happen.
I get very angry about mindfulness and living in the moment. I’ve tried headspace and Calm. My therapist ask me about it every visit. My bookclub is reading Thich Nhat Hanh. I’ve googled mindfulness and mental illness and the answer make me frustrated.
I don’t want to be mindful of every emotion. I’m usually trying to convince myself that I won’t feel this way in an hour or the next day. I don’t love my anxiety or depression. I do not do my dishes mindfully. Every third day I do them because clutter doesn’t help.
Your blog is one of the three places in cyberspace that affirms that mindfulness is not the cure all for bipolar, anxiety and depression.
Just would like to thank everyone on here posting. I am 50 years old and am realizing (sadly and shockingly) that I have been struggling with being bipolar my whole life and did not know it. Now I understand the “Monkey Mind”. Gotta get that little shit under control. Thank s for sharing everyone.
Natasha, I just found your website for the first time today – great article! Last year I heard a mental health podcast (wish I could remember the name as I would share), but it was a meditation specialist (doctor) in San Francisco who studied meditation and mindfulness and suggested it isn’t the cure for every illness and, in a general sense, can be over-practiced. I’ve always thought mental illnesses solutions lie in a integrative approach of seeking heath in the mind, soul, spirit and body – which requires more than just mindfulness. Thanks for sharing your perspective, very interesting.
Great article, this actually made me chuckle a bit only because I relate so well to what Natasha is saying. Her frustrations and being surrounded in a city that is full of self proclaimed “wellness gurus”. There is absolutely no one size fits all. How many times being in the moment was unbearable are too many to count so of course that would be a ridiculous concept for those trying to survive the next minute or hour when it seems like there is nothing to live for and the pain is too great, it is dangerous to not hope for better in future or escape mentally from the present. What is frustrating is being looked at like you just aren’t trying hard enough to get out of it, when with having bipolar and chronic pain there is no “getting out of it”. Positive thinking is often a mute concept having a mental illness when the chips are down. Hoping you wake up the next day and the next week having a brief break from the difficulties encountered emotionally and physically with some rare ok moments is about all there is for me at this time. Just knowing there are other people out there that have similar issues is also some comfort in that you are not completely alone in all this although it mostly feels that way. Thank you again for this post!
Right on, Natasha. I am not in as bad a place as Georgia, but I have been. And I got some of the good bits back afterward, so I know things can get better. They’d better get better because today is really pretty f’d-up.
I pray for you that one day you will be able to live in the moment. Now that I am mentally well. It works, but I agree with you. When I was severely ill. I lived for tomotrrow and pretended my todays did not exist and that I was not even real some days. I have been pscychotropic medication free for over a year and have almost no sympotoms of mental illness. I lived with mental illness my entire life and more severely aftrer I gave birth to my daughter and had postpartum depression. Soon after was put on Prozac and then was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, PTSD and BPD. I had adverse reactions and severe side effects from the medications.They caused more bad than good for me. I received hundreds of ECTS, overdosed, self-harmed, had suicide attempts and was in and out of the psychiatric hospital too many times during a 26 year period. God saved my life many times. Because I was forced off Klonopin cold turkey due to my last suicide attmept I finally have become med. free. It can happen. Recovery is possibl;e. Mental wellness is possible.
My new psychiatrist says I must have been misdiagnosed all those years. Most likely from manic like symtoms caused from Prozac. My severe symptoms and problems and suicidal thoughts were caused from the reactions to medications and being addicted to Benzos for over twenty years.
This is my story. I know it is not the same for everyone. I no longer have bipolar diosrder or anxiety on my list of psychiatric labels.
My new labels left on my list are BPD and PTSD and it has been proven that brains (with BPD) can trasform over time and many peoiple can learn to cope better with the symptoms of BPD for example and life’s struggles. After getting used to the notion of being misdiagnosed and living the kind of hell I did becasue of it, I have accepted my misdiagnosis to be true.
My story is unbelievable but happens to many people. I was wondering if you or even Healthy Place write about stories like mine??? When I was going through what I did I would love to have heard about inspirational almost miraculous stories like mine. The dangers of some psychotropic medicaitons need to be told.
There is hope to be med. free. It can happen. I know people don’t want to spread that in fear of people wrongfulluy going off meds but I think under medical supervision like I was and am– going off medications can actually save lives. It saved mine and now I can enjoy the beauty of living.
Thank you for reading.
I knew a woman years ago just like you. I had repeatedly told her she didn’t have bipolar. I did.
Way more obvious was the BPD. The explosive “I’m gonna kill you” temper, the inordinate fear of being abandoned, difficulty forming/keeping friendships, and so on.
I looked for symptoms of bipolar, but no… b/c she functioned like anybody else. Except for her BPD side.
I told her over and over, that she didn’t have bipolar–but she knew the real truth. Her shame and denial in having BPD was too much to bear. To her, It bore an even uglier stigma than bipolar.
Up every day, online and writing ANY where she could. She was a writer wannabe and broke her neck writing and writing all over the internet and anywhere ever she could.
She reviewed for Amazon products, as did I.
I saw her reviews on many shopping websites–even if she never purchased the item, she wrote the review anyway. She went on many different forums for bipolar depression and assumed a bipolar identity and assimilated herself into one of us. Whining and complaining for years.
Though highly functional, she wrote comments on you tube to many psychiatrists, counselors, psychotherapists how she was suffering w/ bipolar! She really just wanted any attention she could get, in retrospect. If you’ve read enough, and read enough dime novels, you’d have known her writing style in 5 minutes.
We had a beginning of a friendship years back, but after a difference of opinion, she went absolutely postal on me -smearing me in anyway she could on social media.
She even went so far as to make fun of my dead mother, and my baby brother who had also passed away by creating profiles of them. For EACH one she furiously made approximately 25 or more fake profiles.
I then knew just how grotesquely sick Borderlines can be. She proved that.
I remember thinking…no wonder she’s so ashamed of her illness.
I knew enough of her own dead father, to create a profile for him — but the thought of doing that to anyone, turned my stomach. I’m not that crazy.
So you see, she too was diagnosed eventually with the correct illness. She never had bipolar either!
She did the stint w/ drugs, alcohol, her child’s father took off and left her to raise him, and that’s when the illness began to form her, ..take over her. After many years, of trying everything to quell her anxiety and rage; she came then came out w/ a vengeance.
I’m really glad for you and I believe that after all the trouble you went through; looks like you hit pay dirt. You know what you have now; and you can find some help for your BPD in the proper lane.
While I understand fully that there is nothing that I can do to change the past, I still grieve deeply for all that I have lost – much due to my bipolar, but some due to the actions and behaviors of others, over which I had no control – and I have lost virtually everything. And the future never – unless I’m having one of my sweet, gentle, optimistic, and all-too-rare hypomanic days – looks anything other than more of my very bleak present.
And this is my problem. I can’t bear my present. How can “living in the moment” be a positive experience for me, when my present moments are nearly all a nightmare? Nearly every person that I truly loved is gone from my life, due to my disease. My wonderful and fulfilling career is long gone, also due to my disease. And the deep, visceral grief that I experience over these losses, makes nearly every moment of every day (unless I am OUTSIDE of myself with one or more of the few remaining loved ones in my life) a devastating exercise in longing and bitterness.
My present is soul-shattering loneliness. It’s barely existing on disability income. It’s having my roommate (a necessity, unless I want to be homeless) – the only person I interact with on a regular basis – be an unintelligent, pathologically lying, unimaginably boring individual. I don’t spend my life in full-blown bipolar depression, but my present reality is so painful, that I spend my life continually depressed anyway. So, again, it’s nearly continuous reading or watching tv or movies for me.
And for all of those people out there – and I have personally heard from many of them already over the past 10 years or so – who tell me “if you don’t like your life the way it is, then change it”, I say, you have absolutely no idea what I feel, moment to moment, in my life, and how much effort it costs some of us just to call to make a doctors appointment, to microwave a frozen meal, to take a shower, or even come up with a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
It’s my PRESENT that is the problem – or more accurately, the nightmare – in my life. “Living in” most of the moments of my life is the thing that I most avoid! When your present moment is unthinkably intolerable, you avoid that moment like the plague.
Thanks, Natasha, for raising this issue. I was a scientist – a high-temperature geochemist – as well as an educator, and I definitely know for a fact that there are NO 100% certainties. Not anywhere.
Georgia
Just, thank you.
No thanks. I will take my chances with the days I do get out of bed and the hope that comes from sharing with like minded people. Hope from patting the dog I am going to buy. Take care of yourself. ps. next tattoo I am getting a sshh… where I can see it .