A pet peeve of mine is when people say, “normal is just a dryer setting.”
Um. No, it isn’t. Normal is a word that means “conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.”
Normal is not just a freaking dryer setting and pardon me for stating the obvious, but I am bipolar and I am not normal.
Bipolar is Not Normal
And I’m sorry to be the one to have to break this to you, but bipolar disorder is not normal. It’s why they call it a disorder because it’s dis-order. It’s not “conforming to the standard or of the common type.” Bipolar is abnormal. Mental illness is abnormal. That’s what makes it an illness.
It’s Okay Not to Be Normal
But here’s the thing, there’s nothing wrong with not being normal. Quite frankly, I find normal overrated and boring (see my hair color). As I’ve written before, it’s OK to be crazy and it’s OK to admit that you’re just not normal.
Bipolars are Like Everyone Else?
Yes, people with bipolar disorder, depression, schizophrenia, epilepsy and cancer and just like everyone else in the broad strokes. No doubt about that. We eat toast for breakfast, wear socks in pairs and get Lady Gaga stuck in our heads. Nothing unusual there (although Lady Gaga herself is a different matter).
But when you have a mental illness the very way you perceive the world, the very thoughts that you think and emotions that you feel are fundamentally altered. You just aren’t “normal.” But there’s nothing wrong with admitting that. There’s no need to try to wedge yourself into the concept of normal. You’re abnormal and that’s OK.
I accepted that I wasnt normal long before my diagnosis. I knew my thoughts and behaviors were abnormal and I ressented myself for it because no one understood. Ive recently lucked out and found for of the most wonderful friends who try to understand and try to help me understand. Then I have my family in denial, one friend who believes mental illness is a cope out and another that believes mental illness is caused by sin. Thank God for those who try to understand and support me.
I say “DARE TO BE ABNORMAL!” Shout it from the rooftops: “I’M NOT NORMAL AND I’M PROUD OF IT!”
http://makebpdstigmafree.wordpress.com/2013/06/19/i-have-borderline-personality-disorder-and-im-proud-of-it/
Having a hard day today, sleeping a lot to avoid listening to my thoughts and even irritated by the sound of a chirping bird outside.
Thank you, Natasha. Your explanations always make me feel better about myself and are so helpful. :)
Excellent!
(But don’t you just hate it when some ##### tries to tell you “being depressed is normal – we all feel that way sometimes …” Argh!)
Hi Harrf200,
Yes, that drives me off a freakin’ cliff. People don’t seem to have any idea how incredibly irritating platitudes are to people with _actual_ illnesses. It’s like saying we all get a little HIV because we get colds and flus.
Sheesh. Other people’s children. ;)
– Natasha Tracy
Well said! My husband has bipolar disorder. He does not behave “normally” when he has mania. And it is not “normal” when his mania gets so bad he has auditory and visual hallucinations and becomes paranoid, and I have to call his psychiatrist to ask how I need to adjust his medication. Despite, the occassional abnormal behavior and experiences over the past 13 years, he continues to be my best friend and my husband with many beautiful qualities.
Hi Claudia,
Thanks for your comment and the love I sense in your words. People really need to know that there are successful relationships that involve mental illness.
– Natasha Tracy
I will have to admit that on my bipolar blog I posted that quote. I thought it a bit funny.
When I was diagnosed over ten years ago, The first thing I did on the way home from my psychiatrist appointment was head to the library. I went home with a stack of books; understanding what I was dealing with was critical for me. Things that don’t make sense drive me crazier than I already am. : ) I found that there was finally a name for my behavior and that it was an illness and not that I was just a bad person. As I studied and read about the illness I realized that I was “normal” in how I was experiencing the illness. The thoughts, feelings, and behavior of others with the illness was like reading my life. I call it the language of depression because we all tell the same story with the same words. So I think that we are normal in the bipolar world and that was a relief for me. I go through periods of acceptance and then periods of grief. In the beginning I thought that I would go through the steps of grief and then be done. I now believe that I will always have times of grieving, realizing once again, my life is not what I expected it to be. The key is to come out on the other end, accepting my illness- until the next time I grieve. I have just discovered you on twitter and I appreciate your many words of wisdom and truth.
Hi Dina, thanks and thanks for your comment,
I think you make a good point, whenever something big happens to us grieving is a process and it’s one that we tend to revisit throughout our lifetime. It’s not like the bipolar goes away so it makes sense that the grieving doesn’t either. And, as I’ve found, we loose more or different things over time and these new things also require grief all their own.
But as you’ve said, acceptance is the goal and we can have it even if we do need to take time out to grieve every once in a while.
– Natasha Tracy
I like to think of myself as a non-conforming eccentric, however abnormal is fine too. But, what is a normal human being? (i really can’t answer that, i’ve only ever known ‘abnormal’) I rather enjoy my eccentricities and unique solutions i’ve had to come up with to cope with life with Bipolar. It does seem that this is getting a little worse as i age. Do you have any insight on that?
Hi Amelia_mims,
It is my opinion (and there is some science behind it) that bipolar disorder is a neurodegenerative disease meaning that yes, it gets worse over time. Sorry, but I think that’s the reality.
That being said, when you have well-controlled bipolar disorder, it doesn’t have to be this way. People who are successfully on medication show a halt to the degeneration and sometimes even a reversal.
I will say though that while it might get worse as we age, our minds get better at dealing with it. We gain more skills and get better at dealing with symptoms and side effects over time, so hopefully this evens our biology out.
– Natasha Tracy
Ditto on the aging ‘in’ factor. Looking over time lines multiple symptoms manifested less frequently twenty years ago for me. Regular medication management and adjustments over months often result in epiphanies for me that I could get to higher levels of functioning, or determine if what I realized were negative behaviors but didn’t know were behavioral, electrical, or chemical based.
My psychologist yesterday asked me, “What do you think it is”. I put the ball back in her court, “I’m the patient, doctor…what do ‘you’ think it is, and where do ‘we’ go next to change it. We can always check in two months to see if you feel another direction would be better.”
While I thoroughly enjoy support groups for the comradery, I also take things with a grain of salt…what’s a negative experience for some MIGHT not be for ‘me’. I know I’m not ‘normal’. I learned to appreciate much of the things about myself that aren’t ‘normal’.
I’m just trying to be less negatively abnormal as possible is all. The ‘aging’ factor…people not only have to deal with the physical issues/symptoms of the brain as time goes by…they ‘can’ also have to deal with the baggage, blame, and shame. Without a rounded out care team, sometimes thought processes are overlooked is all I’m saying.
Hi JohnC,
Oh yes, psychologists always want you to say “what the problem is” but sometimes we don’t know or it’s just the freaking bipolar – which they don’t want to believe for some reason. And it always seems impossible to get their opinion on what’s wrong. And yes, as you said, we’re the patient damnit. We see them for their expertise.
(This is a bugaboo of mine.)
I think your statement saying that you’re trying to be less negatively abnormal is the right sentiment. Many types of abnormal are great and not a problem but some types are, and those are the negative ones. What people often fail to see is the difference. We all have quirks, no problem, but there are some abnormal things that fuck up your life, problem. So trying to handle the negative components seems key.
Thanks.
– Natasha Tracy
While I agree that bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses are not normal, I think it may be unhelpful to think of our conditions as abnormal. Especially if this promotes the feelings that we are fundamentally different, or bad, or weird, or that we are deserving of unfair treatment. The word abnormal carries with it these negative connotations – and it is these connotations and ideas that I believe are unhelpful.
I see it like this: mental illness is a part of life. Our world is filled with variability. It’s just the way it is. The statistics of those who suffer from psychological conditions are huge. So, it could also be argued that it’s normal that a large proportion of the population are abnormal in some way or another. If we extend this to include all medical conditions, it could actually be considered normal to have something wrong with us. In many respects, it’s more common to be unhealthy than it is to be healthy (but again, that doesn’t make it normal).
That being said, I don’t think it is normal for me to let my illness run wild. I still prefer to behave in ways that will reduce my symptoms and my illnesses impact on my life – because like you said, when it is active, my perceptions, my thoughts and my feelings are altered in a way that is unhelpful and very often, harmful.
Hello to The Bipolar Project,
I agree that, on the whole, “abnormal” does have negative connotations, but that’s sort of my point – it doesn’t have to. We get to claim who we are and how we think about ourselves and abnormal doesn’t have to be bad.
That being said, we all think about ourselves in our own way and if something else is more helpful, then I’m all for it.
– Natasha Tracy
Couldn’t agree more! Thanks Natasha. :-)
Hi Cate,
Well you’re welcome. Thanks for the comment.
– Natasha Tracy
I found that really uplifting. I admit that I don’t feel normal & I don’t have a problem with. It’s just who we are.
Hi Jade,
Thanks. I find it uplifting too :)
– Natasha Tracy
I agree with you, Bipolar and many other disorders are just that, not normal. I have been BP for most of my life, but diagnosed about ten years ago. Now the funny part about being normal is my wife is “normal”. Just about as normal as normal can be. Yes, it’s the text book definition where you would look it up, and low and behold, her picture is there. What I have personally found is this level of normalcy did in fact; irk me in the beginning because it defined just how bipolar I was. It was, as I felt, a constant gauge to my illness. Now that I am older and wiser, I see it for something different. I now use it to my advantage to give me the ability to see through the fog. When I am cycling back and forth, blowing something out of proportion, or I just can’t seem to see the big picture, I lean on her normal abilities to lead myself through it. I can sit back, and almost laugh a bit at my actions, which in turn cause me to look at things in a different light. I am still bipolar, but just being around her is almost like taking a break, then taking a nap, and then things seem to be a bit better. I think for this to work, obviously your partner has to be onboard 100%. Since it is your partner, they are privileged to some very private information. This is where love and hate meet. I am fortunate that my wife, who is “normal”, has my best interest at heart and completely accepts me for being not normal. I often wonder how she can put up with this, I mean is she sick in some other way? But she loves me, has always been there for me, and I really believe she likes this rollercoaster ride I give her. So she learns from me, I learn from her, and together we both grow from it.
Good article, thanks.
JohnnyBoy, I applaud you for allowing your wife into this area of your life. I am a wife of someone who I believe to be undiagnoised bipolar and narcissistic. I would love to be there for my spouse but he will not even acknowledge that his behavior and some of his emotions are not normal. I do believe that half of society do not want to put down people with mental health issues. We just want people to acknowledge the illness and seek treatment so that you minimize the hurt to yourself and/or others. I see this desire as being no different that some diagnosed with cancer. We as family and friends would want the person to seek the best possible treatment at whatever costs and we would be willing to help in the process. Hats of to you for being open about who you are and what you struggle with and committing to be the best you can be with help..to me that’s what “normal” is. We all struggle with something…soe people more than others…and.some people just need less help to cope or overcome.
Why should people change because you want them to change? Love it or leave it. No, you don’t have to love others no matter what, but there are options of not letting them close. If you cannot stand your husband and he won’t change… why put up with him? You deserve better.
I am all for trying to be your best, but that is for yourself. If you think you want better relations with others… yeah, do something about it. For yourself. Getting in treatment so somebody who might not be even worth it likes me better?
I like slogan “young and crazy in world where normal, decent people construct atomic bombs”. Normal in our society ain’t all that. I wanna be at peace with myself. Screw “normal”. I wanna be the best I can be. Normal? Who defines it? 100 years from now today’s normal will be abnormal. So why waste time seeking the normal grail?
My daughter, in times of frustration, will emphatically say to me.. Mom, I’m NOT NORMAL. and I worry about her “labeling herself” this way. but thanks, Natasha.. I see now that she is trying to keep my thinking in reality. (which so easily wants to go to denial.)
She needs me to recognize and acknowledge her problems.
Hi Rosemary,
I agree with you, it’s not about labelling yourself it’s just about acknowledging reality. And I must say, parents are the ones most likely to go into denial about issues from my experience so good on you for realizing it and trying not to allow it. That is going to help your daughter far more in the long run.
Recognition and acknowledgement is what so many people seek here, from me, because that shows acceptance of another person and their reality. It’s great that you are able to give your daughter that. Some of us seek for a long time for another person to give that to us.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi TryingtoUnderstand,
It’s very generous of you to try and understand where your spouse is coming from, whether he has mental illness issues or not. It’s hard to get in someone else’s head but good on you for having the compassion to try.
You might want to read this: https://natashatracy.com/mental-illness-issues/convincing-someone-get-help-mental-illness/
It’s tough to see someone we love possibly need treatment and not get it. But in the end, if the person in question doesn’t see the problem, then they certainly don’t see any need for a solution.
– Natasha Tracy
HI JohnnyBoy,
I really agree with you. Those “normal” folks can really help us realize when we’re getting a little nutty. I don’t have one of those people in my life and I find it can be challenging to figure out when I’m being reasonable or not. I wish I did have one of those folks, you’re lucky on that account.
Thanks for your comment and praise for the normal. :)
– Natasha Tracy