I have heard from many people who are suicidal and want to die by accident. I guess “wanting to die by accident” may sound weird to some people but I totally get it. I have been one of these people myself. I envisioned myself dying in service to another – doing something incredibly brave that would end my life so that another could live. At least then people would view my death in a positive light and didn’t other people deserve to live more than me anyway?
What it comes down to is that these suicidal people don’t want to take their own lives (for many reasons such as family and friends) but they do feel they want to die and they feel an accident is the way to do that.
Suicidal People Don’t Really Want to Die
As I’ve said before, people who are suicidal don’t want to die, but they do, desperately, want to end their suffering. This is completely understandable. For this topic, though, that’s irrelevant. In this case, let’s just assume the desire for death overrides their own understanding of their want to cease the pain. (Which happens when a person is acutely suicidal.)
Why Would a Person Want to Die by Accident?
And there are many things that stand in the way of every person’s suicide. Perhaps the person has a life insurance policy that won’t pay out in the event of suicide. Perhaps the person can’t stand the idea of someone else being traumatized by finding his or her body. Perhaps the person simply doesn’t want to hurt his or her loved ones by leaving them with the burden of the individual’s suicide (which, undoubtedly, hurts those left behind).
But the desire to die is still very real for many people in spite of these roadblocks. So death by accident would seem to be the answer.
Reckless Behavior Causing Suicide by Accident
But, the trouble with that is that people can’t, by its very definition, cause an accident. What people can do, though, is act extremely recklessly and put their own lives in harm’s way due to lack of care. I have done this. It’s the same with self-harm. You don’t harm yourself as much as you don’t care if the world harms you. You basically walk into danger instead of walking away from it like other people would.
(Reckless and life-threatening behavior in bipolar disorder may not be as a result of suicidality, however, as it is also known to be a symptom of mania or hypomania when pleasure-seeking is involved.)
I think what’s important is to recognize that wanting to die by accident can be just as dangerous as a knife in your hand and it’s important that other people recognize it as such. A person can easily walk into traffic if they simply don’t bother to look both ways and that will land you just as dead as if you had committed suicide in any other way.
So if you see your loved one taking risks that don’t make sense and not taking care of his or her own safety in reasonable ways, it’s time to sit him or her down and have a serious conversation. It may be time to get that person to a hospital as well. Don’t just brush this behavior off as it could be an indicator of very serious things, indeed. After all, causing your own death in our society is easy, even when you are incredibly passive about it.
Don’t try it,, every time I just end up a little more disabled. I rode my motor bike into a car, 6 months in hospital and 2 years unable to walk. Rolled my farm equipment many times. Several industrial accidents, the list goes on and on. Tried to eat myself to death, put on 60 k in 6 months. got diabetes. (without meds that should do it) then the diabetes just went away. am still here.
Now I can barely walk, in constant pain and often sleep for days at a time.
Don’t do it, I have no idea what your answer is, but one day we will find a purpose.
What if the person wanting to die is me and I want help for it? Do you have any suggestions on how to help? I have been making dangerous mistakes since I retired. I’ve left the stove on, I have driven under the influence, and climbed up to precarious areas of fairly significant elevation. How can I stop putting myself (and my family) in danger?
Hi Eric,
I’ve listed many ways to get help here: https://bit.ly/mental_health_help
The key is to reach out to a professional and be honest with them so they can help you. In your case, you might start with a psychologist (a type of educated, licensed therapist).
– Natasha Tracy
Megan, commented yesterday so this is active. Ok. Wow. I couldn’t have written it better. Yes, i want to die. Right now. Gladly. But wouldnt do it myself. I guess mostly religion, and im not super religious. However i do think it’s either hell on Earth for ? years ,or this feeling for eternity. Im 42. No husband (or wife, to be “correct”) never been married , never had kids. Up till age 35 I did have long term relationships. I tried for kids early in 20’s ,but never happened. For last 8yrs (I’ll be 43 in few weeks) ,it’s gotten more and more unbearable ,unlivable. I chose to take a year off relationships at 35 to focus on myself. Life was Perfect since i was born till late 20’s, when addiction entered my life. Dad died. Life was a mess. I went on methadone to get “clean” , and it actually worked. Never touched an illegal opiate since. (30-35) . My bf at time drank himself to death ,2gether about 6yrs. (HS bf was 10 yrs) so i don’t drink. At the time i was on methadone i dated for bout 4 and half yrs. He ended up a crack addict. I mention all this ,bcuz this is why i chose to be alone at 35yrs old. Seemed every 1 was ,this or that. I had to find myself. Fix myself. Alone. It seemed so clear back then. As soon as i started out my 1st time ever being alone, that’s when real life shit entered, stuff that wasn’t me or him, or them. Life got weird. I didn’t seem to be going anywhere. Had a bad knee. At doc, they tell me. “Oh ,you need a hip replacement” i was 37. Then, for my surgery i had a whole head of teeth pulled (perfect teeth, receeding gum line) so i was now alone, no help ,and bedding all these surgeries. For Teeth i was put under. My knee was supposed to get worked on 6months after hip and of course. The hip. Suddenly. Never broke a bone in my life. All during this ,my nana and Pop both passed ,cancer . Ok! So writing too much. Had my surgery. Moved , 7times in 4 yrs. Finally got my own place again. (Nothing ever got me so close to homelessness than renting rooms!) Now iv been here ,alone. For xactly a year,nov 1st. Im miserable. I Never leave. I stopped working out. Stopped eating healthy. Stopped showering daily. Something happened in last year that now i want life over. There is a very huge fair ,right xcrss street ( i live In west Mass) ,i had a severe flu and had to walk to my doctor just last month. The streets were packed. And like THIS AUTHOR wrote. The cop was directing traffic ,i just walked not caring. The worst part, like this author wrote. Due to all these crazy shootings all over. Its all i thought of. I kept scouring the crowd,waiting and hoping id see a shooter, so i could run and take the bullet and the shooter down. I felt awful cuz i didn’t want to think of others getting hurt. Well. Idk. I had friends, now i don’t. I had family. Now. Thyr either passed ,and i do believe THIS is what’s causing most of my pain. The family i have , basically (im really not trying to make a funny pun, but) i am dead to them. Nope! Not on drugs ,(on prescribed meds ,but nothing illicit) yet, bcuz i F-d up 15 yrs ago they act like I am. I don’t act stupid. I wanted to go to school, get a PT job. And now. I don’t care. I gave up. And I really don’t see any light or way back . Im so stuck. I am. SO sorry ,this is so long. I can’t talk to any1 in my “family”. My mother says “its all in your head”!!! No Sh*t! My mother is the main thing in my head when i hope to die. As in, she’ll be happy. Childhood, early adulthood was So great. But life sux now. I tried but now im ,…here! I think ,and would love to hear your thoughts. Maybe it’s best if I just check in physc ward and stare out the windows . Like, almost like a vaca from all this. Im new ,a year in, to this seriously not wanting life .
I relate to this, I want to die, but I want it to look like an accident. I want to make sure my husband can afford to bury me, we have no children and all I ever do is drag him down. I’ll miss my cats, my mom, my niece and I will miss him, but all I do is hurt those around me. I have no self control and I have reached my limit. If anyone knows of a good way to accidentally perish, hit me up.
I have bi-polar. I wish I didn’t half the time – sorry BP joke.
I have had a valid an lethal suicide plan with method available to me in a storage facility but every time I feel on using it I give myself 24 hours.
Many times I spent splintering my fingernails metaphorically on the edge of the cliff near the abyss and no one on Earth knew.
However, once I did try by jumping from a great height and when I was out there was a light but then I saw others bent over in spiritual pain and mental anguish. When I looked around I was asked if I want this forever.
… the feeling I felt … you cannot understand – panic – sadness – desperation – I prayed to go back again – even if I had problems – they were not even close to this.
Upon awaking my head hurt so bad I did want to die but after that experience I removed all the stuff from that storage unit and made sure it was destroyed – for good.
Omg….. Im serious. Why do so many people think its attention seeking??!!. Ive veen battered and abused sine I was 3yrs old. Ive tried n failed so many times and its people around me that get the help.
Ive been hospitalised 3 times n left alone afterwards and its only the embarrassemrnt thats made me say Om fine. Ive swalloded glass, 220+ mgs morphine n I still fucking wake up. Ive had stomach pumped twice n no one as ever asked why…
Who gives a fook why Im syill here?
Just tell me how to do it properly
Please
Hi Petra,
I believe 100% that you’re serious. You don’t need to prove that to me.
What I want to tell you is that suicide is _not_ your only option. I can understand how devastating it is to try to get help and help not be there for you. I promise, though, it doesn’t have to be this way. I don’t know what it’s like to be abused at 3 years old, but I do know what despair is like and I do know what it’s like to want to die.
Please believe me what I tell you that things can get better. I know it might not seem like it now, but I have lived through hell and I know it to be true.
Please, please, please reach out for help. You _can_ make this pain go away with help and time.
Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (UK – local rate)
Hotline: +44 (0) 8457 90 91 92 (UK minicom)
Hotline: 1850 60 90 90 (ROI – local rate)
Hotline: 1850 60 90 91 (ROI minicom)
Website: samaritans.org
E-mail Helpline: jo@samaritans.org
– Natasha Tracy
I have a gun but I don’t want to use it, won’t use it, not my choice of a way to go . I don’t want to hurt my mom but I am so very tired. I won’t OD, I tried that twice and it didn’t work. Whatever nd however it is I just don’t want it to be my fault . I want to finally be missed and thought about like I meant something to someone. Trying to live in this society and be successful as well as maintaining relationships instead of being entirely introverted have depleted my energy to look at the bright side of things. Ptsd, social anxiety, lo self esteem nd being told you are nothing by The person you look up to the most, The light has gotten very dim nd im tired of fighting for happiness. Stop breathing in my sleep, get hit while walking and die on impact. Something quick!
I cry myself to sleep 4 days out the week the other times I’m drunk or high so sleep comes easy but I’m at the end of my rope I longer have a desire to live another day breathe another breath I genuinely want to die. I’m just here wasting space not meaning anything to anyone. I have my dad mom and brother but they’re strong they can get through it they know I’m depressed but not to this extent I just want to perish without hurting them too much. I don’t mean anything to anyone outside my immediate family my girlfriend doesn’t love me as much as I love her my favorite cousin doesn’t respect me my “friends” aren’t even my friends they just use me they’re the real squad I’m just around. My career hasn’t taken off and doesn’t look like it will I’m just really ready to end it all because I don’t have anything to live for. There is nothing that makes me want to get up in the morning.
Hi John,
I’m so sorry you’re feeling that way right now. I know what it’s like when everything seems to be going the wrong way. I’ve been in that place. But please believe me — things change. Nothing lasts forever. Jobs change. Friends change. Life circumstances change.
I would highly recommend you get some help from a therapist or a doctor. They can help you. Life doesn’t have to be this hard. Life doesn’t have to be this way. Resource locators can be found here: https://bit.ly/mental_health_help And remember, you can call a helpline even if you’re not feeling suicidal.
Good luck.
— Natasha Tracy
Really relate to this article.
I have been experimenting with little bits of medicine. I keep taking a little more each day to see what will happen.
Eventually, I guess I’ll either build up a tolerance, or I will just go to sleep and never wake up. I don’t want to kill myself. I would rather be a “happy” person,
and enjoy a quality life with friends and family and position and travel and money and good food….but that’s never, ever, ever going to happen. I am absolutely
trapped in my fucked up lifestyle of poverty and oppression and depression forever, and I have talked to many, many professionals. They tell me the same thing…..”maybe”
Well, maybe doesn’t make it so. What if I fight for and wait for “Maybe” and it never comes, and I suffer for another 30 years before I die. Will the torture have been worth it?
That’s a big, “NO!” It’s much more efficient to add one more additional Nembutal to my diet, per day, and then wait to see what happens before the month is over.
At the end of the day, I’ll be a hero for being part of the solution to the overpopulation problem that is bound to overtake us at some point.
One more point before I begin my insipid daily routine, I do feel like a whiny little bitch, but I realize that years of relentless pain change some people into creatures they were
never intended to be, so Fuck the strong if they can’t take a dark joke! I wish I were a fighter, but to my disgrace, I’m not. Put me in a situation of misery
with purpose and above all foreseeable hope, and yet I can still function, but don’t ask me to stand up with no hope at all only to endure multiple punches in the face.
I was born with a glass jaw, and I’ll quit every time, but I don’t cry. I never cry, ever.
p.s.
I do miss Robin Williams. I wonder if he were just experimenting with things, and then one day it just went too far
and he simply went to sleep and never woke up.
I’ve been getting really bad for wanting to die by accident lately. I’ve lost my job and just feel useless and am having a hard time supporting my family. I’ve been trying to figure out a way that I can die and look like a hero to someone. I feel like there is no help for me and I can’t talk to my family. I pretend everything is alright. I’ve been on antidepressants before but they don’t seem to help much and some of the jobs I’m applying for would require a mental test. I’ve made people believe I’m okay before but I don’t want to do that anymore I don’t know where to turn.
Also I live in a small town where my mom, sister, and ex wife all work in health and anytime I see a doctor one of them finds out. So much for patient Doctor relationship. I don’t want to commit sucide and leave my kids like that but if I died a hero they’d not have anything to be ashamed of.
Hi Kenton,
I’m sorry you’re having that experience. I have felt exactly what you’re feeling before. I used to have death-by-hero fantasies.
What I want to tell you is that it does pass although you may need some help. What about going to a neighbouring town? What about trying therapy?
I can tell you’re in a tough situation but there is an “other side” to this.
– Natasha Tracy
I need hel p
Dear Sara, Please read “Suicide Read This First” http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/spagebw.htm
If a URL link is not permitted here on this site you can google Suicide Read This First. It will come right up.
Strongly consider admitting yourself to the Emergency Room! NOW. Go alone, or if you can take a trusted friend along for emotional support, do that. BUT GO NOW.
Do you have a suicide hotline you can call to talk about this?
It’s like you’re in my head.
Hi in john, and just reading that pls such as I want to die! accident is a no there chooose made me cry ,do that a lot, I also put myself in situations that I’m to fight and also hoping to get cancer, which is possible at the moment ? I’m not even going to get tests but I told a friend’s and there annoying me FACT, I don’t lie I’m basically a pain in am thoughts of death in live and have lived with all my crappie life sorry to say these things but I’m destroying everything physically,mentally waste of life SMILE JJP
I understand you completely
As much as I hate to say it, I constantly fantasize about getting killed by accident. It could be a car accident or anything really. It makes me feel relieved. For me, taking my own life is scary and requires too much effort. Dying by accident howevee, is a whole different story. The main reason is that I feel so guilty about everything but mostly because I feel I dont deserve my life and that it’s better to give it away and make room for someone who can appreaciate it..
This a very interesting concept and I can see the appeal. With my depression I often fear of what others think and how they would feel if I left. I think the selfishness of suicide is what stops me and accidental takes away the stigma. If I died through an accident or natural causes then my family would not question why I did that to them.
I am a retired Doctor who suffered from BPSD for many years, and have recovered. I have started the Bipolar Initiative in Vancouver Canada. I have a blog which may be useful and informative.
Dr. Barry Rich
Dear Barry Rich, what is bipolar spectrum disorder? Is that different from Bipolar 1 or Bipolar 2 or Cyclothymia?
Interesting post. I’ve tried at least 4 times, maybe more. Where was my mind at those times? Determination to succeed. Not that I wanted it to “happen”, I wanted it done. I can’t say that I have NOT felt this way…I have. And still do today. But usually if I’m at the point of wanting to do this, I just do it. At that point, I’m beyond caring about who sees, who I’ll hurt, etc. I just know in my heart that everyone will be happy I’m gone. That they will truly be better off without me. I’m not saying that to be selfish, it’s just honestly how I feel at those times. I can see NO future.
I’ll tell you how I feel right now: I’m still suicidal (but am fine, no plan etc.) but I know that next time I have to do something different. Obviously OD’ing isn’t working. So I just ruminate on how to do it right next time. Accidentally? Wonderful. As long as it works.
It is very apt for me that I saw your post today. I didn’t know this was a ‘thing’. Thought it was just something shameful that I do in my mind because I am a ‘ bad person’. Never thought of it like this before. Just assumed it was my own weakness. Thanks for talking about it.
Thanks, Bonnie! I am very glad to get your comment, that you appreciate my poem!
All my life I have been the nice guy. The second even third choice of a friend and as a mate . Early on my mother told me I was a constant reminder of her stolen youth. I joined the military straight outta high school. Because I am smaller that the other male soldiers I work 2X as hard. They become my family. As long as I worked 2X harder. I married and I wasn’t her first choice, but the military befits made up for my “ short comings . I don’t know if she cheated while I was away, and will never know, because we divorced and we both quickly remarried. Her to her big dicked soul make, me to a breathtaking redhead barracks bunny looking for an officer or at least a way out. Well she got both. A nice big dicked LTC and my BAQ/BAH and Tricare. That wedding band fell off the second my tanker boot hit the motor pool. She was a Notorious flirt who put out to anyone with shiney rank. She drug me along to pay the bills. We divorced and i moved back to WVa and dated very few women. I fell for a single mom where I worked, who was a bit of a party girl. But she put her son first, which I admired. It was 2 weeks before I even met him. There were plenty of red flags, but I ignored them because of her comment to family. Fast forward to 15 years, I thought we were doing great. But single / divorced/ manipulative girl fiends took hold . A rumor of her seeing a Navel Officer and Political figure… the investigation on my part and the the rumors were true, but just the tip of the iceberg. The was a soccer coach, and a number of other “ maybes “ …..
After “cracking her FB and Cellphone “ every hurtful thing I read drove another dagger in my heart, especially knowing she was sharing her adventures with her friends… our friends. We tried to piece together what was left. She put it ALL behind her , but I relive every word, every dick pick, every “what if “ of my two deployments. For 20 years I begged for a sweetheart nickname… and to my face I got nothing other than put downs, to her friends, Sloth, a bitch baby.
My sons are handicapped and begged me to stay. She said “ it is what it is” “I made mistakes that I can’t change “what’s done is done “
I literally leave each day, counting the hours till I die. I will get my affairs in order. I know know that from my mother to the Army to every wife I’ve had , I am never going to be goo enough.
Maybe in death my worth will be realized. Or I will just be an excuse of sympathy. But at least I will finally have worth.
This is a very important post. Thank you for shining a light on this.
I also wonder if there exists such a thing as wanting to self harm by accident.
This post reminds me of a Voyager episode in which Bellana starts running increasingly dangerous scenarios in the holodeck with safety protocols disabled. She says in the episode that she isn’t suicidal but is simply trying to determine whether she still has the capacity to feel anything. But I actually think there is very little difference between that and feeling suicidal. I see a lot of similarities between the way Bellana is portrayed in that episode and the way people in real life act when they are suicidal: she’s distant, she’s irritable, she doesn’t care about things she used to care about, she feels numb to the world around her, and she takes these risks in reckless disregard for her own well-being. It’s unfortunate that Voyager portrays her getting well so quickly–which seems very unlikely in real life, depression doesn’t just arrive one day and go away the next–it would be nice if the writers had made that an ongoing issue for her character throughout the entire series. The doctor doesn’t even prescribe her an anti-depressant! Instead we see the “a shock to your system gets you to snap out of it” approach to becoming well–I hate to think of what might happen if well-meaning friends and family members were to apply that approach in real life.
I have attempted suicide many times by prescription overdoses. Sometimes I called for an ambulance other times I didn’t.
I even tried suicide by cop, but that just got me in some legal problems.
I think of many ways to commit suicide that looks like an accident or I’m a victim of crime.
My father just shot himself with no warning, no letter. He used to tell me I was depressed to “pick myself up from my bootstraps.”
I still think of scenarios of suicides by accident, crime victim, and illness.
I had an abnormal test result that could ultimately end up with cancer. I had a follow-up test and it was normal. I was so mad. I want the cancer, not get treatment, and die. I do feel good for Cancer survivors, because I have them in my family. But no treatment for me.
I don’t want anyone to find my body as a suicide victim, but the other ways will do fine by me!
“I want the cancer, not get treatment, and die. ” Even though I am doing very well, now, and have been so since last Fall, I feel the same. I wear a Medic Alert tag that says, “DNR” which means “Do Not Resuscitate.” My biggest worry about what might happen is, since I walk and take public transit everywhere, that I’d get hit by a car or bicycle and get brain damage. I have seen too many people with incurable brain damage to want to go there! I am just plain tired, tired of life, tired of bipolar. Yes, I do want to live, though, for the first time in my life, since things are going so well, and I have many good friends.
Oh wow. I fantasize about being on a “legitimate” death bed with cancer. My loved ones could handle that loss as something in the earthly realm of possibilities not their fault. I know it’s odd but never saw it in writing by another.
Hi GMarie and all, Actually, my “plan” or “dream” of how I would die: Hee hee hee — I want to die a slow, painless way — then I will eat all my favorite foods! pudding. pie, cake, ice cream, candy. And an occasional twice-baked potato with cheese, broccoli and sour cream.
My mother’s cancer came back. Oh how I wish it was me and not her! Felt the same way when she had it before. She doesn’t deserve it. She’s getting treatment again. I would never get treatment. I’m so mad she has cancer and not me ?
I hate having Bipolar and other mental illnesses. I feel drained, tired, lost. I hate myself for putting the people who love me thru hell. I have no friends, I don’t get along with my sister, not close to other relatives, daughter disowned me & can’t see my grandchildren.
The only reason I’m still alive is because my mother is. How I wish something would happen to me that doesn’t make me look like a suicide victim. It would better than having that stigma.
Above post for Geminezmarie, about the cancer. But it also can be for all.
Hi I’m John no yeah lol I totally do same and even worse or more which ever seems appropiate?
I know the wanting to die by accident so well. It usually comes a day or so after I start realizing that I’m envious of the dead.
I’m quite familiar with recklessness in mania, just 2 weeks ago I drove home from another city for several hours at speeds up to 115mph. (darn electronic speed limiters! :-) ) Fortunately by my prescriber doubling one of my meds, I’m not quite as manic now, but this is the longest (over 3 weeks) manic stretch I’ve had since 2004.
I often think I would like to die by accident. It takes away so much stigma for family left behind. I understand this will still leave my family traumatized though. My other wish is that I would die from some natural disease-heart attack maybe? Seeing as the meds I take cause massive weight gain, I can see it as a possibility. Funny thing, they give us these meds to keep up from killing ourselves but they are quite happy to increase our risk of heart attack, stroke and diabetes. Oh the irony :-(
Hi Natasha and all, In this article, Natasha wrote: ‘…What people can do, though, is act extremely recklessly and put their own lives in harm’s way due to lack of care. I have done this. … You basically walk into danger instead of walking away from it like other people would.” Hum hum hum…I don’t know how many times I’ve done this. The first time I can remember was about 20 years ago. I was waiting for a bus. It was a very, very hot day. I hate hot weather, it totally crazes me out, and was feeling very frustrated because the bus was taking so long to arrive. I had recently moved to a big city, and had had buses pass me by more than once, by then. I didn’t know that people had to actually flag one down, or the driver might pass you up, even if they saw you, because they weren’t sure if you wanted the bus or not. So that time, when the bus was driving up, I stepped right in front of it, not caring if it killed me or not. Another time, a tow truck was trying to pick up a friend’s car. I stood between the back of the tow truck and my friend’s car.. The driver stopped and got out to challenge me. Ha ha! Such a great victory. I actually don’t think I was in danger that time. I also didn’t plan to be killed, because I had friends over who were going to music jam with me. I’m actually very proud of that activism. But recently, again, it was a hot day. I was walking a long way. A construction barrier came in my way. It said to walk on the other side of the 4-lane, busy street. It would have been 2 blocks back or forward, to get to a traffic light, and I was not about to attempt to cross without a light. I was very angry to have the City allow this barricade, OR angry at the construction company for putting it there, if it was illegal. I did later call the Sidewalk Department about City laws regarding blocking sidewalks. (They didn’t call back; I’ll call again.) Whatever it was, I was plenty p**sed off. I did look behind me to see if there was any traffic coming. There was not any in the right hand lane, so I simply walked around the barricade, walking in the street. I honestly did not care if I got hit by a car or not. Here’s a poem I wrote one day in 2002:
I hope I don’t get hit by a car today —
(“A Poem of Now”)
I hope I don’t get hit by a car today —
or a truck, or a bus, or a bomb.
Even though I wanted to die
since I left my mother’s womb.
I’m enjoying today in its Fall glory
(wet weather, foggy and cold)
Adventures await me everywhere!
Tho’ painful knees, and getting old.
I wonder why it is, at last —
I get appreciation
and love from many wonderful friends
who give love without rejection.
Synergy, I love your poem!
Hi Kayleigh. I also have CPTSD original dx was BP II .You are fortunate to have your diagnosis – sometimes it takes ages to figure out. I agree with Natasha – even without BP, some symptoms of ComplexPTSD can be so similar. I was VERY depressed for years and had to come up with safeguards to stop myself fm impulsive self-harm/suicide. I got past that and now yrs later living ‘a bit depressed’ (anhedonia? -forget the word) On bad days I still now and then wish for that accident. Not so much now since ‘Mommy Dearest’ died – so when abuse stops – If a person can get strong enough to WALK AWAY COMPLETELY, I do believe we can begin to heal. It DOES get better – Enjoy the good days! :)
Thanks Natasha for this great article – unless we’ve been there this would be hard to understand. PS As soon as I saw the title – my memory went back to when I was 5/6 yrs old. Practicing in my bed how I would look when I got hit by a car.. WTH? I am STILL having very old memories come up,,
Great post. One thing I’ve seen a lot with people having chronic (physical) health conditions on top of mental health issues is getting deliberately sloppy with their other meds, e.g. a diabetic who stopped eating properly, or ‘forgot’ to check their sugars, or kept uncharacteristically missing doses of other meds. I guess that’s maybe a next step from completely passive (“I hope I don’t wake up in the morning”) through various forms of increasing the odds something will happen (removing preventative factors or adding accident risks).
So many, many times
Hi I have you on my mind. I saw a website that I think you are in charge of (healthybodymind?)…and I wish to contact you and find a book that I think you wrote. I can’t find it on Amazon. I am reading a book called “The Good Patient,” by Kristin Waterfield Duisberg and she talks about this same thing as this Post..dying by accident.
She wants to know if a hemophiliac cut themselves and let themselves bleed out if that would be considered a suicide? She gets this idea from a pamphlet in her new shrink’s waiting room on the high incidence of depression in hemophiliacs. So it was interesting that you posted in a similar vein. Feel free to contact me by my email. I really like your site. Thank you for being a part of those who speak out about bipolar disorder. People like you have inspired me to take advocacy to a new level myself. I have been so fortunate to get early and good treatment these past 25 years. Hasn’t been easy but mostly been good. Sincerely, Allison
Hi Allison,
Are you talking to me? I’m sorry but I don’t have a book out so I think you’re thinking of someone else.
– Natasha Tracy
I got this article in my email this morning and, wow, I don’t even know what to say. I am not Bi Polar but I have C PTSD with dissociative/schizoid features and I get this anytime I feel like dying. So I am wondering if it is something specific to Bi polar or is it common with different illnesses? Like a while back there was a driveby shooting and a random, older gentleman was shot and killed by a bullet meant for someone else. So my friend was discussing it with me and I started crying because it wasn’t fair that he got the stray bullet and not me. Its a horrible feeling. Do you happen to know if its specific to bi polar or can it be a symptom of other conditions because, if it is specific to bi polar, then I guess I should get that checked out. Thank you
Hi Kayleigh,
I wouldn’t say it’s specific to bipolar I would say it’s specific to people who are suicidal.
– Natasha Tracy