My bipolar brain and mind are interesting places to live. Pleasurable, no, but interesting, yes. At the beginning of the day my mind seems to start out like a blank chalkboard and then my bipolar brain screams at it as soon as I wake. And little by little the chalkboard fills up. Each scream takes up a line. Until eventually there is no room for working thought or working memory or anything all and all I can hear is my brain screaming, “I can’t do this.” It’s a feeling of stress and anxiety and it’s inescapable.
I’m not sure why my brain chooses to yell this particular phrase at me, but I can tell you, it’s impossible to focus through all the yelling.
My Bipolar Brain Prevents Focus
It’s like this: my bipolar brain has no interest at all in focus. It only has interest in chaos and yelling. Somehow, though, my coping-skill-laden mind manages to take all that chaos and handle it – for a while. And then it’s like the chaos reaches a critical mass and my mind can no longer deal with it. Then the thing that was keeping me sane and lucid – my mind – just seizes like a rock and all I can hear is the constant bipolar screaming. And I can’t focus through all the screaming. I just can’t.
All the screaming does is stress me out to an extreme level to the point where I’m overwhelmed and I can’t move, let alone function.
Focusing the Bipolar Brain
Sometimes I like distraction while I work – it keeps me upright and working. But when the bipolar brain screaming gets too much, I think that removing external stimuli is the most helpful thing. I seem to be able to better handle the screaming when there aren’t other things like sound and light also encroaching on my consciousness.
I also think micro-chunking of tasks also creates functionality. I’ve mentioned before how I break tasks into tiny pieces so as not to be overwhelmed and to facilitate task completion. Well, when I can’t focus I break the task parts into parts and try to do those. Like I might only write a sentence of an article before permitting myself to rest again. Quiet down again. Attempt focus again. Granted this makes achieving almost anything unbelievably time-consuming, tedious and annoying but it’s better than getting nothing accomplished at all.
Bipolar Screaming and Focus
And, in the end, I just know that I’m unlikely to accomplish much past noon. I know that when I wake up things will be clearer and by the time noon gets here things will be horrible. That’s just my day. My focus decrease as the time increases. That’s just how I roll. It’s exceedingly difficult and painful but it’s just the way I live – all bipolar-y and whatnot.
And I try not to beat myself up for not being able to focus. Because feeling bad about it sure doesn’t make the obsessive screaming any quieter.
Focus? To me thats a car made by Ford. My brain on most days is just jello sloshing around in my head wreaking havoc.
Hi Michael, your analogies are really funny; glad you can maintain a sense of humor about our plight. In the late 90s, while my car went in for body work , I was given a Ford Aspire as a courtesy car for a week – holy cow! It was more like a go cart that aspired to be a car…I think it was made out of flattened vegetable cans. It makes the Focus look like a luxury vehicle. But I digress, because this flight of ideas stuff is just starting to act up again.
Basically, for me, the minnows are back.
See, I’m very familiar with the jello sloshing around in my head, and I’m prone to rapid cycling, but not Ultradian cycling like yours – that has to be unbelievably difficult.
This is what happens to me: the jello morphs into solid forms as dozens, then hundreds of minnows take up residence in my skull. Each minnow represents a thought, an elusive flash of bright silvery light. I can function as long as they stay relatively calm – my head is used to housing them by now, and if I only feed a few minnows at a time, I can focus and function relatively well.
But every so often this is what happens: The minnows are swimming around in gentle synchronization in shallow water. A bunch of testosterone induced humans go charging forth into the water – the minnows get split up and frenzied; they dart around so fast I can’t catch those flashes of light to focus anymore – those thoughts are just too fast & fleeting. Besides, the minnows keep slamming into my skull – they feel like chronic dull thuds at times.
So that’s what it’s like for me. Thankfully, as of this writing, there are only a couple of dozen minnows or so. But here’s the thing Michael, I need SOME minnows there for me to function adequately – When it’s just all that jello sloshing around, I suffer from inertia. I believe about a half-dozen minnows are the optimal number to keep me functional – it’s a hard balance to keep, because they reproduce so rapidly at times.
And so, my “to do” lists keep growing – they are on random scraps of paper, poorly organized, incomplete and overwhelming. And so, I’m procrastinating; I need to get going and focus on just a couple of tasks. I won’t feed more than two minnows today. (One will be a serum lithium level I was supposed to do 2 weeks ago.)
Thanks for giving me such a good laugh though, Michael. Your Ford Focus comment brought me back to the late 90s – a very good time in my life, even having to ride in that little Aspire through Boston traffic, still young enough not to be utterly terrified like I’d be today.
I hope you are doing okay these days. I know you’re in PA. I’m in Maine. We must get out and enjoy the great weather while it lasts. Peace to you and your family.
Thank you for sharing your stories and helpful hints. I was diagnosed with BP II. With therapy and meds my manic episodes are shorter. I definitely can relate to being unable to not being able to accomplish as much as I would like to. I was getting frustrated, but now I know when I have the inability to focus I shouldn’t beat myself up and learn to be content with what little I do accomplish…revising one paragraph in my book. for some reason I have no problem with focussing on photoshopping. But then I don’t get anything else accomplished when I do photoshop. I feel better now that I know others are going through the same thing. Thank you.
This is simply and without doubt the best article I have ever come across that so accurately conveys what I feel happens to me when I try to focus on anything at all. Thank you so much for this. Accomplishing anything take so much more time when you have to deal with all that screaming, and I’m 26 and just now starting to accept that everything I’m trying to accomplish for myself may take me a little more time than other people and that it’s directly related to mental instability. It’s like there’s always three processes going on in my head at the same time all the time! But that’s ok, and yes breaking down the tasks into small steps is totally the way to go!
Hi. I just found your blog yesterday. I am glad I did. I am feeling very vulnerable lately, like I might lose my job. I should lose my job, I am a terrible employee mostly because I canot focus. I have the clean slate feeling too but through the years it has gotten shorter and shorter. I am more apt to throw my hands up around 8 am cause what’s the use. All That to say, I am in a ton of pain and fear. Part of me feels like the guy above – that the mental illness part is really just fear that I have a not addresses (I’m a coward). But when I sit and really look at myself , I know (and hate) that mental illness is running my life. I am on meda and while suicidal thoughts have gone away I remain in pain that I don’t want to endure for the rest of my days.
I feel like my mind is my best enemy and my best asset being bipolar. I wouldn’t trade it in for anything. Thinking outside the box comes to mind, and so I have something unique to offer the world. I do find myself procrastinating often during depression and getting distracted easily when manic. But I work in spurts and have developed a calendar/to-do-list that I can keep up with at a bare minimum. Carrying on work has been difficult for me over the years, working full time as an engineer. That has been my biggest downfall. Clocking in and clocking out somewhere everyday, when my mind is not always in the mood to be chained to a desk all day, or sitting in meetings, has been my weakness. I encourage others to check out my bipolar blog (and other topics). I have a lot of resources, literature and mediations/poetry on my website – http://www.freemindbooks.com.
I am bi polar 1. I actually had like 6 diagnosises since I had an episode at 16, which they considered anxiety. Then I was told I was just a Lil depresessed the following year. None of which my doctors recommended meds or a psychiatrist for. Then in college I had the full break down over a period of 3 yes and totally snapped and tight ppl were after me, I was dying, overly in love, hallucinating, hearing voices and finally my parent came ams got me ams 2 months later I actually asked to be admitted to a hospital because I was getting so insane and crying for days and my FAM would just go about their life. So I am one of the few who admitted myself to a hospital, which is something my friends and outside family don’t know, they believe my mom did everything but I asked to be taken and begged them to do it. I had psychosis so I was reallllllly struggling
You are my hero, Natasha. I was freaking out and then I thought about reading something from your blog and I always recognise myself through your words. I am giving a talk tonight about mental illness etc. and am a little calmer now because of you :)
Natasha, your efforts to understand your bipolar disorder is too outwardly focused, you need to invest more time to listen to yourself. The solution is not out there, it’s within your own mind. Trust me, if you really think about it, you know you are the only one who can help yourself. And you’ve tried everything else, so what are you waiting for? Why do you think your not free yet?
Your posts are not really helping people, these aren’t really solutions, you’re just posting stuff that bipolar people can relate to so we can all feel like we all have something in common and a place to hangout and complain more why we can’t get better, and around and around we go.
If you just posted positive topics, with actual solutions, then you could really make a difference, and really help people and yourself.. Because we can all learn together what works and figure it out.
You have to face that inner voice that is screaming, it’s your inner child. It’s not happy, listen to it, try to figure out why it won’t let you be in your adult life. Don’t label it as a mental illness, that’s just an escape card out to not taking responsibility, or rambling about your problems to others, it’s not going to solve anything, in fact that’s exactly what that inner voice wants from you, to complain.
It’s really simple, you need to listen to yourself, listen to that inner voice and try understand it, where is it coming from and what does it want. If you want to be free of it, you have to free it. And the only way for it to be free, is for you to face it, and understand it’s reason for existing in the first place.
No matter how much medication or therapy or talking about it, it’s not going to go away – because you are the one who has to free it, by facing it. And the only barrier is fear, because there is a wound there that needs to be addressed.
That inner voice is there to learn from, it wants you to listen it, not to ignore it. It’s not going to go away – because it is YOU, it’s apart of you you have forgotten, that who you’ve abandoned years ago coming into adult hood, and it’s still there, it wants you to listen to it, and free it. And then you’ll find that peace.
Why are you even on here reading this, then? Bipolar disorder isn’t an illness, it’s just us not being adults? Please, go contribute on the Fox News website or something. Jeez.
N~How do you continue to write with a brain like yours? My brain is like yours too, and I try to write papers for my English classes all the time. It’s very stressful. Yesterday I spent 3 hours writing 2 small paragraphs. I misunderstood the initial assignment, which is typical, and had to do a lot of back writing. Any advice?
Have you guys thought about looking into adhd ? This is a major symptom of ADHD which can also cause low self esteem and mood.
Your post almost describes me perfectly. Everyday I feel like I start with a clean slate. At some point I begin to lose the ability to focus and stay on task. By the end of the day I feel like my brain just shuts down and I can no longer focus or complete any tasks. I have tried different strategies to help with late day lack of focus but it just doesn’t work. Once I hit the wall and lose focus I am done for the day. Thanks for your posts I love reading.
~N, Of all of the symptoms of Bipolar, lack of focus is the most difficult for me to deal with and has cost me the most professionally. I’ve tried all of the non- pharmaceutical coping strategies and none have been effective for me so I’ve taken the easy way out by adding Amphetamine Salts to my daily BP cocktail. My Pdoc and I have adjusted my level of antidepressants and I am constantly on-guard for any signs of hypo-mania. I maintain a ridged sleep schedule. I try to take weekends off from the Amphetamine Salts but the crash can be a little rough (generally just vegging on the couch) but it keeps me on-track at work and effective.
I know that this is not a best practice solution but it works for me and as long as my Pdoc is on-board, I feel comfortable with it.
Natasha, I so love your work – thank you a million times over. I have a splitting headache again at the moment…yet I had to read your blog before trying to get to bed and sleep…which is something I am a work in progress with and have been for a lifetime, even more now being a carer of a vulnerable teen…. but that’s another story/email.
i just wanted to let you know I follow you and have for ages and think you are a superb voice for those of us who manage life with a vulnerability – bipolar – it’s so part of me and that’s ok. it was apart of my mum as well. So like you in a different way my yelling is more lots of talking in my head and the voice will just not keep quiet, at times- it can rabbit on for ages. The ruminations of why I did this and not that, or the other way round drive me wild so I keep busy manically busy – studying a double Masters again in Suicidology and recovery. It is where i can put all my intensity, pain and passion. Most of the time I am well controlled but there are peaks and troughs – no pun intended here.
Dear Michael I just read your reply – this is where the pot calls the kettle black, try not to be so hard on yourself. I know we are, we expect so much from ourselves and if we don’t achieve it or the things we think we should – well there goes any chance of self-help or self-care. Some how, together we have to try the oxygen mask analogy. Rationally I know it makes perfect sense but in reality at the moment that’s hard work. Please be gentle with yourself and try to find something you enjoy or are passionate about where you can let out the anxiety. I find that being a mental health advocate is that double edged sword – i have my peers/support/village, a place where I can do something, anything, that i hope is meaningful and would like to think so. Ok no one comes into this to make money because there isn’t any to be made – most of the dedication and passion comes from pain the pain of living with mental illness and it’s devastating consequences – as you say M, losing family is the worst. In this day and age it’s very much alive and well in our family. So much for enlightenment. But by being able to help bring change for someone else, as an advocate to reforming the system as I have lost faith in. We with the lived experience can and should be driving our own recovery and services should be building their processes to provide that individualised holistic care in a multi-disciplinary way…so as our next generation have their journey’s a little easier. If my journey can help save a life or make it a little less isolating then this has been worth it.
Michael – try to not give up on hope, try to read stories like Natasha’s of those of us who somehow through the crapolla actually lead good lives but it does take hard, damn hard work to do it and find what works. Like you, I struggle with the meds but I don’t not take them, I know I need a readjustment again as being a carer of a teenager is really doing my head and mood in – we have accepted we are each other’s triggers. It was devastating at first as I had long known I was my mum’s trigger and she was mine and now….history repeats.
Find something you enjoy even for a few minutes a day and really try to take it in even with JOE screaming in you ears – let him do his merry thing….have you read up about the voices and what they are yelling/telling you?
Sending you and your wife a cyberhug – believe believe believe – there is a bucket of sunshine coming. I still try to find things everyday I am grateful for and yes there are some days I forget but mostly I do think of 5 from the air I breathe to having my beautiful daughter giving me a hug, to looking at a flower and a kiss from my partner. Maybe even try writing what Joe is screaming about in a diary may help you or just write about anything that comes to mind. Thank you once again Natasha – keep up your wonderful work!
you have such kind words. I have tried working at a facility as a volunteer but quite frankly couldn’t take it.. Too painful for me to do anything and one counselor suggested that I shouldn’t do it anymore because of the effect it had on me.. went to a NAMI chapter meeting… I was looking forward to it and only 4 people were there and it was so disheartening for my wife and I.. I am searching but as you know chemical depression you cant think your way out of. I cycle too much. My worthlessness comes from being raised worse than a barnyard animal… so its not only BP i suffer from but GAD and clinical depression, etc.. Too many demons, too many breakdowns. The meds in a way make it worse. I am down to 2.. Have not been to a hospital and dont want to go. we dont have much f a superior mental health system here . You pay you play or you have to be on medicaid. I am at a loss. Still dont believe what is happening after all these years. Again , thank you.
To answer your question, “How much can family take…” Empathy is like a gas tank, it only stays filled so long. Crude analogy, but at today’s prices, don’t expect to get much milage out of people – family or not family. Stress is a state of mind not a permanent condition. You can control it, especially when you know its near. 1) Quit your job, I did, at an exceptionally fine position, but I was worth more to me than the sum total of my labor. 2) Change the way you feel and think about a task, relationship or coming attraction. Its as simple as no, or yes, or screw it – not worth the long term hassle. 3) The only person you should feel afraid of disappointing is yourself. The ones that matter in your life will understand. What your experiencing will subside over time if you take an active part in your wellness. No, its not easy, and it won’t happen over night. I’m 68 and I’ve been to the mountain top also, Dr. King was right, he died for what he believed in, and so does everyone else. Make it worthwhile.
Natasha, I feel for you and everyone else in our position. This article feels like in many ways I wrote it.
My bipolar mind cost me a career that I worked so hard at . I didnt know I had bipolar since my youth but I was very depressed and anxious. I lost all my extended family and all friends. Seems like everything I did in my work life was so darn difficult and after a hectic assignment or speeches or major travel I was wiped out and got sick.. I thought it was just my anxiety.. Little did I know. Only after a major collapse that landed me in bed for almost a year and a correct diagnosis I finally began to understand bipolar. But I didnt know that I was cycling some days 3 or 4 times and that is vicious. My last position was as a SR VP of a large company and the stress put on me was incredibly tough to deal with.. One day I woke up and never went back. The CEO knew it was over for me. I have lost so much in wealth , dignity and havent a clue how we will make it financially having expended almost all my monies over the 18 years I havent worked.. Every time I try to work or accomplish a task, be it easy or hard, the minute my stress level goes high my brain puts the brakes on and sends me into a spin. I call my brain Joe and feel like its not part of me anymore but an outsider that turns my switches on and off. i cant finish a darn thing sometimes. I feel so damn guilty .My family and I are facing an uncertain future on many levels. The drugs make me stupid.. I always say to my wife that I feel like I am in a circular room with nothing to hold on to. I am beyond scared. I am frozen in time sometimes. NO help, still hoping this is a nightmare I will wake up from. I escape through sleep but even that is becoming hard. WHY WHY WHY? We dont deserve this vicious disease. How much can a person take. How much can a family and caregivers take.
My brain , JOe also yells out too many times, you cant do this? But I did it years ago. Maybe as one gets older it gets harder. Sometimes I wish that a meteor would strike my house when my wife isn’t around.