I suffer from anhedonia in bipolar depression and this leads to a lack of motivation. And when I say “suffer” I mean freaking suffer. I mean it’s horrible. I mean it’s probably the worst part about my bipolar depressions. Anhedonia is the inability to experience pleasure. Most people cannot conceptualize of this, but believe me, anhedonia in depression is a real thing and a real problem.
Anhedonia and Major Depression
Anhedonia, the inability to experience pleasure, is not necessary for a diagnosis of depression, and most people don’t experience it. One of the gateway criteria for major depression (the same as bipolar depression) is “diminished interest/pleasure.” You must either have that criterion or a “depressed mood” before further symptoms and a diagnosis of depression are considered.
Again, that’s “diminished” pleasure, so not necessarily a complete lack of it. I have no doubt that “diminished” pleasure is bad enough, but a complete lack of it sucks even more.
What Anhedonia Feels Like
Anhedonia feels like an endless dribble of dirty dishwater. It feels like a constant, gray fog. It’s the experience of the word “bleh.” It’s nothing. I still have feelings, I guess, but they are so undifferentiated as they are unpunctuated by pleasure, they all feel the same. They all don’t “feel.”
People can’t understand a lack of feeling. Most people can get on board with your brain creating or intensifying feelings, but your brain deleting them seems just one step too far. I get it.
When things make you happy, it’s impossible to understand how things can’t make a person happy. Pleasure is a reflex. We don’t think about it, we just feel it. Something pleasurable happens, and we feel accordingly. I get it. I do. I just don’t feel it.
Why Anhedonia Matters to Motivation
What people also fail to realize is that if you don’t feel pleasure, you also have no motivation – this is because motivation and pleasure are inexorably linked in the brain.
It works like this:
- Caveman is hungry and this is unpleasant.
- Caveman works to find something to eat to make the hunger go away.
- Caveman lifts up a rock and finds grubs to eat.
- The caveman eats the grubs, the hunger goes away and this is pleasurable.
- Because of this, the caveman is now motivated to look under rocks the next time he’s hungry.
But if the caveman didn’t find being full pleasurable, he would not necessarily have the motivation to find a rock to flip over to find grubs to eat the next time.
Taking this concept forward, if nothing feels pleasurable, then there is no motivation. I can’t say whether this connection is why a lack of motivation is part of depression or if a lack of motivation is simply its own symptom, but I know the connection is very real and debilitating.
Fighting Anhedonia and Lack of Motivation in Bipolar Depression
This is one of the reasons why people ask me how I do what I do. The answer is: I’m not sure.
I find intellectual motivation, I suppose. I still have that, even if I don’t have the feeling of pleasure. For one thing, I know that if I don’t do what I need to do, I won’t get paid, and that is critical, for obvious reasons. I also know that I, philosophically, “want” to do things. In other words, I know that if I did have a want, I would want this. Therefore I do it for that reason. I don’t know why that works, but I know it does for me.
Maybe I also have a hope that this will end and, so, I try to maintain a life that would bring me pleasure if I could feel it. I think I need a life that would make me happy so that when I feel happiness, one day, my life will support that. That hope is so tiny inside of me and yet so ingrained, that this just happens without my thinking about it.
As the above would suggest, I think it’s important to remember that bipolar depression anhedonia does end. I know it. I’ve felt it. It’s weird when medication works. It’s like a complete reversal of the suffering. And when that happens, it makes suffering through the anhedonia and fighting it and the lack of motivation worth it.
Banner image by Flickr user OUCHcharley.
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I read your article and it definitely seems to be the same thing I am going through as well. I work, for obvious reasons but besides work I really have zero motivations to do anything, because I feel zero towards anything. I don’t think, in my case, it will ever go away. I have been slowly, over the course of 2 years, shedding friends, family, and any enjoyable activities. Now, I go to work and watch tv and play with my 3 cats.
I am glad that it gets better for a lot of people, but for me it has just gotten worse over the last few years. I literally sit here knowing I should feel, trying to feel anything and amazed at the lack of feeling towards anything.
I am glad that you have your three cats. I have a little dog Amy, she is my million dollar dog because she is the cause of my good mood and happiness. I found Amy in Oakland, in the hood, and she is the sweetest little dog.
Hello Natasha,
I just came across your article this morning. It really hit home with me in many ways. First off I’m a man, so I’m not sure if things work the same with us as you ladies. I too have an extreme lack of interests in many things that I know I used to love. I often tell people that they are my passions, but in reality, I haven’t done them in years.
I find myself staring at four walks most days, reminiscing of times past, feeling guilty, lonely, anxious, or down right numb. I’ve been told by some therapists that I am schizoaffective, only to be corrected by another therapist as major depression. Honestly, I hate labels, and I dispise being dependent on meds even worse.
My whole life I’ve faked emotional reactions because I knew they were normal for the environment I was in. I’ve thought I knew what love is, but when the time presents itself to numb myself from the hurt of loosing it, I can turn off the love as easy as using a switch. I don’t think this is normal, and I believe it’s more for self preservation than anything else.
I was married for 21 years to a bipolar, who suffered from severe promiscuity as well as suicidal tendencies. I worry that some of my issues may be transferred from her and not my own, however, many if not most, I’ve had most of my life. I can wake up one morning in a state of happiness, only to realize a state of hopelessness awaits outside the bedroom door.
So I fight to carryon and suicide has seldom been a thought, but has came up as a mere passing whim. I’ve attempted it only once in my life, as a teen, but fortunately my effort was unsuccessful. I feel most of the time that I love life, but for most of it I just go through the motions. I have found your article very inspiring, and plan on reading more. Thank you for sharing.
Freddie Lovelady
I have anhedionia and I am really struggling and I also have bipolar
Hi Amber,
I know where you’re coming from. I know how hard anhedonia is. I know how hard it is to live with.
Please believe me when I say that treatment helps and that nothing lasts forever.
In the meantime, I stand with you.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Natasha,
I also wanted to thank you for this really helpful article. Anhedonia and apathy are the absolute worst symptoms of depressions for me too…
I really like the tips for dealing with anhedonia. I almost dropped out of graduate school because of it, but I am determined to finish my program – even if I can’t experience the interest/pleasure I had in it when I started and my depression was less intense. I’m in a horrible episode of depression right now and it terrifies me…but I can only take small steps forward and hope that my medications and therapy sessions might help, over time, yet again.
Hello Natasha,
Your blog is really helpful and amazing written by you natasha. I always read your blog at daily basis your blog is very good
my anhedonia was a result of long term antipsychotic induced brain damage because i made the mistake of trusting a mental healthj professional.
i haven’t had a serious depression for ten years or so, but i remember the anhedonia clearly. one aspect of depression for me is a loss of my perception of color. life doesn’t quite become b&w, but it’s close… as if one were to turn a television’s color setting to just a hair above zero. when a depression is ending, the first thing i notice is a return of color to the world… the greens and browns of the woods, the vibrant reds and blues of the beer cans left behind by fishermen.
Anhedonia is the worst part for me, also. But I do feel dread and despair – just nothing “good.”
Thank you for sharing this. I don’t think some people understand how hard these things can affect you and that there is more to them. I think you nailed it on the head with how they work and what it does to you. It is not easy, but it will get better with the right treatment. This definitely resonates with a lot of individuals I know.
All I have to offer is hope. With the proper medication (which I continued taking because of one your posts) I’ve been told my bipolar is in remission. No suicidal thoughts. The overwhelming exhaustion is gone. There is motivation to stick to a daily discipline of eating right, exercising and sleeping 8 hours. The ability to stop working at a reasonable time. The ability to feel good about myself. I feel so very blessed. The feeling you get when your doctor (who by the way doesn’t take insurance) smiles at you as says – “you really are doing well” I am in my mid 50’s It took 30 years to get here. Please don’t ever give up, keeping trying. Every day when I go to journal, the first thing I read is
”
Don’t let your brain tell you a false narrative, use your mind (you) to counteract it.” which I got from your book.
Two days ago I was going to stay up late to finish a work project, I just happened to read your post on not overworking, I stopped, went to bed, avoided a melt down.
Keep trying, there is hope.
Very descriptive writing on what anhedonia is like Natasha. I went through about 4 year period of bipolar depression and I definitely was apathetic and “unfeeling” and unmotivated. Looking back is was most likely anhedonia. I’m a musician and during that time I tried often to pick up my guitar and there was no pleasure in it at all so I gave it up for a long time. Music was my life and so I felt like I was nothing during that time. The only thing I could feel was suicidal ideation. It took a long time to recovery from that depression 5 years ago. I still have moments of lack of motivation but not like the “nothingness” and dull blinding grey my mind was in back then. For me I had to rebuild my life from the ground up. I’m grateful for where I am at these days and try not to take it for granted as things can and do change.
I’m struggling with this right now. I don’t have enjoyment for anything, but instead my life is full of dread. Objectively my life isn’t bad, so others can’t understand why I feel this way, but bipolar isn’t really sensible. I know I was happy in the past, but I have a difficult time imagining feeling that way again.
Hello Natasha,
Very good subject matter and well written as usual.
David.
I have gross periods of apathy; when I am severely Bipolar depressed. You know; absolutely NO feeling at all about anything or anyone. It is like “dead” walking… you’ve written on it before, I think.
I feel no pleasure, no sadness, no anger, not even indifference… I just *feel* nothing.
When you are emotionally flat lined… your brain, I realize, is also flat lined in thinking. It’s like this huge heavy soggy wet woolen blanket has laid over and within, my brain. There is barely a thought.. therefore, I do not feel…. cause to feel, you must think and to think, you must feel.
to be motivated… you must think and you must feel… if you can’t think and you do not feel, you are not motivated
I would think it awesome, in some degree… to be apathetic, coupled with anhedonia, layered with lethargy. That is the purpose of illicit AND prescriptive drugs… to just be so doped down to just not feel…. ya know, be numb to things…
but it is quite painful, when it is your mind and not some chemical racing about in it…. it is literally your mind that has shut down to *feeling* or emoting
yes, I know the irony…. you feel nothing and therefore it is painful because while you feel nothing, your brain knows it
Hi Natasha. Thank you for this article. It’s very helpful.