If there’s one thing I’ve learned about a life with bipolar it’s this: it’s never going to be what you expect it should be.
I was watching a television show about gluten-free baked goods and on it, a gluten-free chef said of gluten-free bread, [when compared to bread with gluten,] “it’s never going to be what you think it’s going to be, so one of the things you should do is to try to adjust your expectations.”
Now, I don’t know anything about gluten-free bread, but I do know about a life with bipolar and I have to say, in my experience, it’s never going to be what you expect it should be and you should probably learn to adjust your expectations so it doesn’t taste quite so bad when you bite into it.
A Bipolar Life Compared to a Life without Bipolar
I have to say, I never thought life was going to be like this. Never, in my wildest nightmares did I think I’d have to live a life with this many bad days. Of course, right now I’m six weeks into depressive hell, so it all feels worse than maybe, logically, it should, but what I know is that the bad days with bipolar are impossibly bad. The people around me without bipolar? They have no idea what actual pain is. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that what the average person experiences on a daily basis doesn’t touch what I live through all the time.
My Pre-Bipolar Life
Now, my pre-bipolar life was a very long time ago, but what I remember is thinking that my life would not be a pain-filled cesspool of hell. Some of my expectations were probably reasonable (like having a happy life) and some of them probably weren’t. But what did I know of such things; I was 19 years old.
Expectations of a Life with Bipolar
And even today I struggle with what my expectations of life should be. I still have that expectation of a “happy life.” Not an every-day-is-a-mosey-through-the-lilies kind of a thing, but a regular, everyday, bumpy, but happy, life.
And after all this time and all this pain and all this illness and all this bloody bipolar, I still haven’t learned to adjust that expectation.
I still expect to wake up and the pain not to be there. I still expect to wake up and make it through the day without suffering and tears. I still expect to make it through the day without physical and mental anguish. I still expect to have normal emotional responses to life.
But maybe like the gluten-free chef said, what I need to do is to learn to adjust my expectations.
Adjusting Expectations of a Bipolar Life
And, actually, my doctor has really told me as much. He has told me it’s never going to be good for me. I’m too treatment-resistant. I’m too far gone. I’m too sick. Life is going to hurt. Accept that.
Accept that.
But I just can’t.
This morning I’m having a ridiculously exaggerated emotional response to a television show I watched. Long story short, I cried and cried and couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t stop feeling some deep, personal agony. It is the most ridiculous thing, logically. I know in all my mind’s crevasses that nothing real has happened and that I need to stop feeling this way. But if there’s one thing I know it’s that feelings don’t change just because we want them to. We choose a lot of things in life but how we feel isn’t one of them.
And maybe, just maybe, if I accepted the fact that my days will be ruined by seemingly innocuous stimuli and emotional patterns that are out of my control, maybe it would be less soul crushing.
Not Adjusting Bipolar Life Expectations
Or, then again, maybe it wouldn’t. Maybe adjusting expectations is what stops people from fighting this horrible disease. Maybe accepting the suffering would remove the hitch from my giddy up and just make me lie down and die. I just don’t know.
Balancing Expectations about a Bipolar Life
I suppose it comes down to balance. I think you have to accept certain painful truths that will never go away if you have a serious case of bipolar disorder and yet still fight for something better. Somehow you have to accept destroyed, pointless, life-wasting days and agonizing, tear-stained nights and still seek the treatment that will lessen the pain. Somehow you have to do both. It’s less of a balancing act and more of a magic trick, but you still have to do it.
And in saying that, I feel a tiny bit calmer. I give myself a weensy break and understand that today, by 11:00 a.m., the day may already be a total write-off and there might be nothing I can do about that.
But I still have a psychiatrist’s appointment next week, and I’ll still go, and I’ll still try for something different. Because while life may never being what I think it should be, I know the bipolar symptoms have to get better than this.
For me being bipolar means either I’m in the realm of hypomania or in the bounds of major depression. And I realize I’ve been struggling to be in the normal mood range. This expectation of what life should be for me gets blurred. So I wonder this expectation of Bipolar life, is it an expectation for recovery from it? And on this note, what does being in the normal mood range means to you?
Hello, I am diagnosed BP2 in the last 12 yrs despite, in retrospect, having this disorder undiagnosed since my adolescence. I have tried several different meds for mood, sleep and anxiety. There are times when I feel pretty good and times when I can barely function even with daily meds. I am also seeing an MftI have a high stress job as an attorney where I need to think and act. That is sometimes difficult when my mood swings occur.
I had hoped that taking meds would end the mood swings and the bad days; even with my job. Has anyone found that the symptoms of the disorder and mood swings go away with medication? Thanks for any input.
I’m a 30 year old woman and I got bipolar at 24 years of age. I went from being the runner up for top student at my high school, topped my university degree whist managing 3 jobs and it all used to come fairly easy to me. The thought of attempting any of these kind of achievements now makes me want to just roll over and go back to sleep. I’ve had to adjust my lifestyle and I’m lucky because I now have a job which allows me to work from home. It’s helped ease my stress levels. I have most definately had to adjust my expectations of my life but I also try to see the positive that I do the best I can with an incredibly debilitating illness. I’ve decided to stop feeling guilty about the symptoms of the disease, if I need to sleep, I sleep and that’s ok. Punishing ourselves because we do and act the way we do now as bipolar patients only makes the disease worse as we stress ourselves out. I no longer need to be perfect and that was something I really struggled with as a child.
I lost 4 years of my life completely to the illness, I was manic every day for four years. I experienced euphoria every day and although I felt amazing I lived in a haze, my concentration and my memory were shot. I then went into a 2 year depression as I came to understand the seriousness of BP and the challenges I would face for the rest of my life.
I no longer expect to own a home or have children and maybe never even have a long term partner. But my family and friends get me through and I try to remind myself of that on the dark days. I think it really is ok to lower your expectations of life to a certain degree because as long as you have 1 friend in this world you are never alone.
I don’t have any problem (why should I?) if someone in society takes medication. There are alcoholics and drug addicts, and yet they usually don’t talk about their drinking because that may be what the want to do, who knows. I do have a problem, personally, when a doctor tells me to my face that I require medication. I just laugh and walk away. It’s like the snake oil salesman who will con anyone, anyway, to make a buck. I’m sure the doctor is very slick at his walk, and I really don’t care what he does. But I don’t get taken that way.
Therese 7 Jan 2015 hi Everyone
I was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder when I was 48 after becoming manic and psychotic out of the blue. I was scheduled twice into an acute psychiatric unit. Afterwards I spent the next 1-2 years battling deep depression and lost my job of 18 years. My family withdrew from me emotionally and treated me as if I was broken and unpredictable. I felt like my life had ended when I was diagnosed and felt shame as if I was so weak to succumb mental illness, like it was a choice.
I had the great opportunity last year to see things through a new set of eyes.
I was diagnosed with breast cancer and luckily it was caught early. I had surgery, having chemo now to be followed by radiotherapy. In a sense it was a gift because I realised I had unconsciously being wanting to die but with the cancer diagnosis knew I wanted to live. My family suddenly opened their arms wide and gave me support which never happened with BPD diagnosis. I finally realised the level of stigma there is in having a mental ilness and that my family think that my bipolar symptoms are done on purpose.
A number of people have told me how brave I am with breast cancer and I know now that I am far more brave for living with BPD especially in a society that has such stigma. I think we should all accept that we are all brave for choosing to wake up each day and try to have a good life while living with the challenge of being bipolar .
All the best to you all
Therese
I have struggled with bi-polar for years. Many of those years, I was undiagnosed and unmedicated. I finally found a Doctor that found a medication cocktail that really helps me to be much more stable. I take an antidepressant, a mood stabilizer, an anti-pscycotic and a sleeping pill. With this combo, and a calm, nonstreesful life, with little responsibilties, I’m happy to say that I’ve felt normal most of the time now. I just have to keep taking the medication as prescribed. Good luck to you. Hope you find something that will help you. Keep trying.
Your point about striving for balance is what I attempt to shoot for. I journal and find the content definitely varies according to my feelings and moods. When I’m manic, which is very rare these days, my entries are overly hopeful and optimistic and outlandish….and when I’m depressed my journal entries often sound full of negative thoughts, hopelessness and full of despair.
I try to tell myself not to believe everything I think and feel.
When you’re in the throws of bipolar it all seems so real. When I can I question my thoughts and feelings, it doesn’t always change things….but sometimes it can put things in perspective.
This has just gotten to me so much that I just feel like I can’t cope any more. I was diagnosed when I was about 16, I am now days off 18 and as time goes on things get worse. This illness has ruined my life, it has taken away almost everything I loved and cherished and after reading this, unfortunately it has made me feel even more hopeless. I want it to go away, I can’t accept this is how its going to be, I don’t want to accept it because I just don’t see any point in carrying on if this is how life is gonna be. I’ve had to leave college and I cannot cope with being with other people. I have no opportunities open to me because of my illness. I don’t have enough qualifications to get a job, and tbh even if I got a job I wouldn’t be able to work the hours that it recquires. I can’t have romantic relationships, hell I can’t even manage a friendship and it sucks because half the time its of no fault of my own. I was an A grade student, I had that spark that could of gotten me into a successful university, but it was all ruined because of my illness. To make it worse I live in a shallow and small-minded coastal town where people don’t understand mental illness, as soon as someone hears that I have Bipolar they won’t speak to me or they will treat me funny. I can’t accept this, I can’t lay down and just accept I will never be who I want to be, I hate living with this, I hate living like this. I am fed up and at the moment if this is as bright as it gets then I don’t want no part of it.
Aisha,
I cant say I know what you are going through but it red like I wrote it. Unfortunately I was never diagnosed with bipolar at your age because ther was no such words.. I never went to a doctor because my family just told me to get over it. Its a long road ahead and some people may disagree but I dont tell people I have bipolar becuase they really don’t know what it is and what your are experiencing is STIGMA. You have to ask yourself will telling someone I am bipolar help me or hurt me. i lost all my friends and extended family. My wife knows. That is sit.. I wish you peace and if you can find a darn good therapist .
Thank you for this post. I was diagnosed at the age of 19 while starting my sophmore year of college. I was also told I have OCD and panic disorder. By having bipolar, it strips away so many things in my life. Like you said, it’s an ongoing disorder. I cry or get angry for no reason. I’m irritatable with my loving boyfriend, who has stuck with me through when I was diagnosed and still is. He tries to understand. I try to accept and understand it myself. It’s like we know what happens, know what we want, etc., but the future feels depressing yet a distant mystery. Thank you for writing this, not only to educate others but it made me feel a little less lonely. Be strong and give yourself breaks.
I am 60 and I still have difficulty adjusting my expectations. I expect to be able to join a book club, knitting circle, and even joining a group of BP individuals. But, the expectations are not met as I feel too bad to be an active participant (more clubs, circles and meetings missed than attended). The only way I know how to balance my expectations is acceptance (not easy), but necessary. I also must learn to accept my inability to be normal. No matter what age we are in life – we live with BP and it sucks. As Michael said, he wishes us all peace. Can I do Peace, some days yes, and that I expect to happen. Bless you Natasha for your encouraging blog.
Hi Natasha,
I do not have bipolar disorder but your post touched me deeply. I have had intense anxiety and depression in the past and actually am just moving through a depressive period. I thought that it would never hit me again at my age, but there it was. A friend pointed out to me what was happening. My 32 year old daughter lives with Borderline Personality Disorder . She had been diagnosed with BPD originally but was also being treated for cyclothymic disorder with rapid cycling. Although she no longer gets treatment for the rapid cycling I still see that it affects her BPD. Just yesterday she was telling me that she felt like a failure and unfortunately I did not get why. She was having problems with her 10 year old son that seemed like normal problems to me. It wasn’t til I read your post that I realized what had happened. Her anxiety over his behavior set off a firestorm of emotions that she had a hard time getting in check. Your post got me thinking that I have felt like failure at times because the depression came or the anxiety came. I have fought them like crazy and there they are again. Giving in to it makes me feel bad too, but I try to remember that people live with diabetes, lupus and many other potentially life disabling diseases without beating themselves up for having it. Or maybe they do. At 60 I do accept myself the way I am more than I did at 23 when the anxiety and depression started. Thank you Natasha for all you do. I am looking out my window looking at a gray, wet Northwest day but you have made it a little sunnier here.
I was also diagnosed when I was 19. I have had some very dark days, months, and years. I am now 44 and still have dark days and weeks but haven’t had as many dark months and years as I have in the past. I make sure to get enough sleep, exercise, and get in the sun (or at least use my lightbox) for at least 30 minutes a day. I have also made friends with some very happy people and I have emulated their behavior, which has helped. Socializing is very important to my happiness, so I try to spend time with friends at least 3 days a week. I also sing in a choir, and do yoga, and meditation. I go to a DBSA support group once a week and that helps a lot. I have made friends with some people in the group. I can always hang out with them if I am super depressed because they have all been there. I also read a lot about mental health and happiness. I don’t think I will ever be able to give up on the idea of being happy. I am not always happy, but I feel happiness is worth striving for. I used to think it was selfish, but now I don’t at all. After all, the happier I am, the happier the people around me will be.
My favorite mantra is,”This too, shall pass.” I may have 10 crappy days, but hey, the next one might be a good one!” That is what gets me through. I’ve been struggling recently with self-hate, shame, guilt and other fun things…but I will not let them get the best of me. I can’t make them go away, but I can live a good life around them.
Oops, I don’t know why that posted as a reply to your post, but I will say I love your post. I do many of the same things you do and have managed, even though I’m disabled, to have a good life. (I am also 44).
You have described how I spent this past holday season, especially the crying at the tv. My depression manifests itself as seasonal affective disorder (SAD) so I am thrilled the holiday is over. I would love it if this year, I could simply relax into this quote:
Life…
“Get correct views of life, and learn to see the world in its true light. It will enable you to live pleasantly, to do good, and, when summoned away, to leave without regret.”
― Robert E. Lee
You got me with change our expectation. When I hit 50, I’ve not had much of that git-up-n-go, there seems to be a catch in my get-along, so changing my expectations is a great way to see it.
I found this quote that helps me.
“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Zahir
Natasha
I was ruminating on this today and many days over time and here pops up my answer. Because I cycle daily or as they call it mixed states some days I feel pretty fine (far and few in between)as if I am so called normal again . It amazes me how I cant go to those dark places.. My brain wont let me and I say to myself … I am healed… This has gone on for quite a while.. All of a sudden I had hope and it felt great and then I would get hit over the brain with a baseball bat and be back on the ground crying. I have no more hope left. I just want to be able to manage it and am having such a hard time as I get older. It does come down to balance and being a bipolar individual with mixed states balance is do damn difficult. This piece that you wrote hit home for me and you being the professional that you are makes it even more real for me. Thank you dearly. As always I wish you peace. I wish all of us peace.