I was having a very annoyed/angry day. This was annoying me and then that was pissing me off. And I realized this was a thread through my day and thought to myself, “Yup, I have days like that. It’s a bipolar thing.” And then I wondered, “Do normal people have days where they’re mad at everything?”
And then I realized I had no idea. I have no idea if normal people have irrationally angry days. I’ve forgotten what it is to be normal.
[And before someone has a hissy fit because I’m saying that people with bipolar disorder aren’t normal, please read the linked article.]
Remembering What It is to Be Normal
I haven’t been mental illness symptom-free in, like, forever. The last span of time when I was in an actual, longstanding remission was around age 19 – so, 17 years ago. (I’ve had shorter mostly euthymic periods since then though.) I only vaguely remember what that normalcy was like. I only kind of remember what it is to be normal.
And there’s a problem with that. The problem is, I work very hard at appearing normal to everyone else and that’s hard to do when I’m not sure what normal actually is. Am I allowed to actually be angry for tiny, not-really-good reasons? Or is that, yet another, bipolar thing I have to suppress?
Bipolar and Anger
Now, I fall into the category of believing in dismissing anger. I don’t really believe in anger, in general. Anger is always hiding another feeling and you’re much better off to figure out what that feeling is than freaking out in anger.
That being said, sometimes anger is driven by bipolar disorder almost exclusively. While anger is not a diagnostic symptom of bipolar, people with bipolar are angrier and more aggressive than the average person. (Sorry, research bears this out.) So, sometimes underlying the anger is just plain, ol’ bipolar disorder. Not much you can do about that.
Nevertheless, acting out in anger illogically, is not going to be useful to you or those around you.
Bipolar and Normal
But, I suppose, I’ve digressed. As I was saying, I spend a lot of time appearing normal and that’s hard when my memories of normal (pre-bipolar) are so long lost. I feel like I have to do a study on normal people to figure out how I should present to the rest of the world to give me some guidance on the matter.
Does Appearing Normal Matter?
I say, yes, it does matter. It matters because if we want to have healthy interactions with people, we can’t let the bipolar control how those interactions go. If we don’t want to be social pariahs, we need to learn how to get along with people and bipolar acting out doesn’t foster this getting along.
I realize, of course, that acting normal while not feeling normal is not exactly being honest. I get this and sometimes I feel really bad about it. But what I know is that if I don’t apply my logical mind to my illogical bipolar urges, I can’t function day-to-day.
Forgetting Normal
Still, I have to say, approximating normal is tough when you forget what it actually is to be normal. And I’m sad that I can’t remember the pre-bipolar me anymore. I guess she’s been lost to the sands of time. Now, when in a bipolar episode, all I can really do is do my best to approximate who I think she was and is.
I think it’s important to remember that “normal” people react differently to the same stimuli; both different individuals and the same individual at different times. That being said, I have had my own struggles and periods of questioning whether it was the bipolar talking, or my integral self. I have found a couple of things that help me with these struggle: I know I am prone to X (anger, impulsiveness, etc.), but with vigilant self-awareness, I can choose to react differently to feelings of X, thus transcending the question of BP or not BP, and putting choice back in my court. I also pay a lot of attention to potential consequences – if I do X, or Y, or Z, what is the probable outcome, and then I actively choose to move toward the outcome I find most desirable, again putting the choice under my control. Ultimately, while I cannot control the fact that I am bipolar, it is my choice how I manage my disease. For me, this is empowerment .
i also sometimes wonder if this feeling of feeling forgotten is a form of bipolar. sometimes i will feel happy other times it feels like a wave of pain in my heart. and anymore i question my future. and if anyone will ever love me. and it bothers me alot but in someways i am coming to terms with my reality. and when i try and reach out to people it just seems like they push me away. and i dont know what to do anymore. is this a form of bipolar. disorder. i would rilly like to know.
Hey Robert at the top of the comment feed. It is normal to feel forgotten when you are down. When I feel down, I’m often most worried about what people think of me. When I am down, I don’t take proper care of myself, but I am becoming more and more aware of my behaviours.
You have worth and people do love you! When I pick myself back up and get back on my own two feet I try to humbly embrace my worth! We all have worth and dignity no matter what! When I feel good, I embrace how good I feel and I try my best to really embrace those good feelings. I find selfcare is the best, but I know I have challenges the keep up my self care. I gently remind myself that selfcare is key! It’s all tied into our sense of worth and you have plenty of worth!
Maree, please show me a person with “normal” stamped on their butt. As far as I can see my bipolar can tear someone down to the point I can see how unnormal they are. All those negatives. I find it really hard to use the word normal in this day and age. Nothing is normal when your bipolar? I self medicated forever on everything, I didn’t care,as far as I was concerned ,in my own little mischievous bipolar thoughts and in my own isolated world it was absolutely acceptable, not normal behavior looking back at it.
But you show me normal person,we can put em in a terrarium at a museum. So I achieve to be human. And no I don’t feel blessed having try ed suicide a few times
Isolating makes it even worse. I think I act pretty normally, except I’m constantly down and people see that. I think they get tired of hearing about it, but for you it’s always there. It doesn’t go away. There are times when it hasn’t been as bad as it was, but pain is pain and I’m constantly in pain. They don’t get it, maybe if I had some other illness.
I’m insulted if people consider me to be NORMAL. We’ve been gifted with the colourful creative bipolar condition. Let’s not aspire towards normalcy, there’s too many of those dunderheads around.
Maree keating…
Thanks for the massive trigger. You probably don’t even know what the means.. You state “We’ve been gifted with the colourful creative bipolar condition. Let’s not aspire towards normalcy.”
I have been gifted with cycling many times a day and I am not talking bicycle riding.. Do you go into a deep depression beyond words for weeks? Do you go for days and days without sleep and cannot work? Shall I go on.
Why don’t we change places becuase all I want is to be normal just for one day.
Have a colourful day while many of us are hanging on for dear life.
I read this book a few years ago to deal with mounting anger issues: http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0802413145?ref_=zg_bs_3568218011_17
(Note that I’m not Christian, but I find his books to be excellent. He mentions scripture a lot in his books, but I just think of Jesus like MLK Jr: a highly quotable guy with great ideas about how people should get along.)
Anger is a useful emotion in that it tells us when our boundaries have been violated. Chronic anger signals that something’s wrong, either with bad boundaries or cognitive function. As an emotion, though, it’s totally valid.
And yes, neurotypicals experience entire days of crankitude. I remember normal before I became a full blown Type 1 seven years ago and I definitely had my fair share of pissy moods.
Isn’t everyone trying to be normal? Aren’t we all trying to moderate our behaviour so as to better get along with the world around us? I was diagnosed last year while overseas. I had just moved so no one knew me when I had the psychotic break that eventually led to my diagnosis. Since then I have been trying to get back on my feet, get my life back and be normal. It’s exhausting.. As I slowly face life following my diagnosis, I build courage and resiliency. Every step I take towards building my life back is HARD and EXHAUSTING. Since that break down I have had 2 minor psychotic episodes that I managed without hospitalization. I am learning about the illness and how to cope, and my body is healing. I can see it everyday. I see this as a challenge. As for normalcy, what is normal? describe it to me. We are all different. We all have issues. I look at every person out there who is fighting some battle and trying to hold it all together to maintain normalcy, and I see the same fight but with a different story. I have to look at it as a part of life that everyone deals with in some shape or form in order to cope and put things in perspective. Who is actually normal? And who is “normal” all of the time?
I do not for a second lack empathy for those suffering from bipolar. I know how hard it is to live with, but I don’t think we are any less normal than those around us. Our challenges are just different.
I was bipolar at 17, not diagnosed till 40. I haven’t a clue what normal is. My wife sent me away, when I was diagnosed I understand she couldn’t take anymore, I think it was the side effects of the high voltage electroshock. I lived with my mom but she passed in June. I had a total breakdown. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t think there’s such a thing as ”normal”. I never did. Maybe ”boring” but not ”normal”. Who’s ”normal” that YOU know? –and don’t confuse it w/ boring.
Abnormal to one, may be someone urinating in public, or picking his nose and ingesting it in public.
-but that’s a harmless abnormal. Maybe one guy had to ‘go’ and the other was hungry.
So what defines ”normal?”
What does your brother do behind closed doors? Your father? your best friend or the butcher down the street… they could ALL be batshit crazy when they’re alone in their own homes…we might all cringe!
-so how would we know? We wouldn’t and don’t.
So what are your neighbors secretly doing…your doctor… your mechanic..whaaaa? eeewww!!
I’ve heard tell people do creepy things w/ their anilmals and go to work everyday and act ”normal”. eeww again. .
Whenever I’m in anyones company I look for signs of ”crazy.” (and I find them) It’s a habit. Call me crazy.
(It won’t be the first time). Maybe it just makes me feel less alone.
You know the ”misery loves company” thing. I haven’t found anyone ”normal” yet.
No one.
When you argue w/ someone, how many times have you yelled ”you’r crazy”!!!?
If you believed that, it would remove that person from the ”normal” group, into the ”not normal’ or crazy section.
The run of the mill pedophile, murderer, don’t belong in any category, BUT crazy.
The mentally ill are just plain ole ”sick people”. We’re them. The defintion of ”normal” changes for us.
But ”Normal”? Who the hell is normal anyway?
I HATE that word.
Maybe because I haven’t felt it in a long, long time.
what do I do when I’m almost pretty sure I have bipolar but can’t afford therapy? I’m 18 years old. I hate my life and my family. I just want to die.
You sound like you don’t think your family would help you??
You could check the phone book for free mental health clinics. You need to get help. Please don’t try suicide: it just causes more pain.
I’m sure someone here knows a website you can look at for clinic information. Or you could call any old doctor’s office and ask them for the information – I’m sure they would look it up for you.
Don’t give up!!
— OCD Mother
unfortunately, mental health care is really bad and expensive where I live and I can’t afford therapy on my own. My parents won’t help either. I’m trapped.
Yes even i feel what it is to be normal ??? I too had forgot the normal life!!!…..i been in bipolar medication since last 15 yrs…i had lived for others i believe so far…suppressing my feelings working like a machine from morning to evening with very limited set of emotions …its really very hard to live when you live for others…..sometimes i feel i have made no progress as a person wise & career wise…i am the same person with no progress as i was 15 yrs back…
I too am a very angry person. I think I’ve been angry all of my life to be honest – pre- and post-diagnosis. I had an “angry” day a few days ago – I was extremely irritable. I’m not sure if it is because I have re-started a new medication Wellbutrin, but I definitely have been moodier and angry. I think part of my anger is because I ruminate a lot, and when I’m really sick, I imagine things or create things in my own head because I become sort of obsessed with an idea or something I want,etc. I had a massive breakdown just over a year ago, and my anger had reached its height. This was blunt rage. Rage. It’s scary! It’s not healthy. And I hurt someone very badly. The outcome of this outburst of rage was simply put – not good. I still carry the blame and shame. Guilt and remorse. I carry those feelings for now and I’m not too sure if I will be ever able to let that experience go. But I’m responsible for my actions and my behaviour. Since then, I’ve had a lot of days where I just feel bipolar, unstable, and just out of it period. This is because of the feelings of guilt and shame I carry.
Thankfully, I got some therapy. I was never really honest with myself about my anger until one of the group therapists said, “Sara, you sit on A LOT of anger.” At first, I denied it, but then the therapy just broke me down. Through the various group therapy exercises, I was able to examine my anger and the situations where it may have come from – a lot of experiences from my childhood for sure. I’m a classic “stuffer” of anger meaning I stuff anger as it arises. There are different levels of anger, and I’m learning to express my anger in a healthier way before the anger reaches rage level (this still happens for sure). One of my therapist said that I mask my anger with my sadness, and that makes a lot of sense for me. I’m also someone who intellectualizes my feelings rather than feeling the feelings or allowing my self to validate my feelings. Because no matter what, My feelings are valid. I think I’m so used to rationalizing situations that bring up intense feelings rather than just allowing myself to feel. I hope that makes sense.
Anger is not a good thing – and one thing I learned in therapy is that as a whole society, we associate anger as being bad or wrong or unnecessary. There is a lot of guilt and shame surrounding the feeling of anger, in my humble- and not-so-humble experience. I’m still learning to accept my anger and not beat myself up so much for feeling angry. I don’t think that anger will ever go away, though. It will always be a feeling we experience.
yes I so agree, I had clinical depression for 3-4 mths earlier this year, and finally my doctor hit with the right medication. However I find I still have up and down days. She diagnosed me with bi-polar (depressive) a cople of years ago. I have never been able to really believe that, but more and more I do realise it is true. Considering the actual depressive phase of not being able to work, or get out of bed has gone, and I am now working (as a nurse) and going everyday when I have these days of feeling so low, so hopeless and despondent I believe it is the bi-polar phase happening. As Natasha Tracy says in her blog, I also now notice I am anger and agitation, aggression (to myself!). I have also realised my way of dealing with this is to declutter. And I have nothing much left to declutter. But I still threw out 5 bags of paperwork, and have 3 boxes worth of “stuff” to donate to a charity shop, (and a few weeks ago I thought I had done all I could do). I have hardly any clothes left as I have gotten rid of most of them, some with labels still on them. I hate this “angry faze”…lol, “hate”. I too put on a happy face all the time at work. My doctor once told me that people with bi-polar are the best actors in the world. And I believe it, people love me (not being egotistical) it’s just the way I come across, caring, friendly, happy, talkative. But at home I go nowhere, just read, declutter, cuddle my cat, and sleep sometimes, although not as much. I look forward to reading the blog Natasha, and also reading the replies above, I was sitting here wanting to just read SOMETHING about how I am feeling and feel so lucky I came across this blog. Thank you so much.
Christine, your comment completely resonated with me. I am so lonely, yet I can’t keep friends, I hide from everyone. I ignore calls and make excuses when they want to go somewhere with me or just come over and visit. I am so tired of being bipolar. I think at least 50 times a day that I wish I was normal . I tell myself every morning, just get up , get a shower, take care of kids and be a normal mom. Take kids places and on play dates and to the park. I usually just barely make it to the couch and then hate myself all over again and feel guilty and disgusting for the rest of the day.
I have similar feelings Kerry, and also feel very alone at times especially when I am not at work. Even though I have a lot of good days now, (compared to a few months ago) when the dark days hit, like today I feel like I want to end it all. But I don’t and I guess that is good. When you have children at home it must be so much harder. I have to go out to work, as a nurse, so I need to be happy to people, I feel like such a fake, but I think that is part of this illness.. You are not alone, at least online, I know that doesn’t help much, but I totally understand your feelings, and lot’s of people don’t. that is one of the hardest things I find, people say “just pull yourself together”. It is so frustrating. Please take care xxxx
I’ll share this, to vent my feelings in my own black secret and personal mental prison. It’s a Dickinson line of a poem of hers.
A not admiting of the wound,
Until it grew so wide,
That all my Life had entered it
She Must have felt whaI I do. It fits eerily. She was genius, in any case..
And there’s the rub. I don’t know what normal looks like, even though I’m trying to emulate it in my like and relationships. But trying to appear normal likely means I’m not being honest in who I am as I present to the world. Is there a way that presenting bipolar can just be another shade of normal?
This article really resonated with me, particularly at this moment in my life. I only wish the question could be answered–what is normal? I’m 28 now, diagnosed at 15, and have spent the past 13 years of my life working diligently to be “normal”. I have friends now, great friends, friends that have been a constant in my life for the past 10 years. But, if I’m being honest, these friendships wouldn’t have lasted if I wasn’t exhausting myself constantly in an effort to be “normal” and do things the “normal” way. As a result, I don’t start arguments, I don’t voice my concerns, I essentially just lay down like a door mat and suffer silently when my feelings are hurt. Because I don’t know that journal is. Like you, I don’t know if it’s normal to get angry about some minor slight. Furthermore, I don’t know if the blame is on them or, in fact, my pain is merely the result of my inaccurate and bipolar interpretation of events. But after so many years of forcing myself to apologize for even the slightest stir, I find myself exhausted, empty, and utterly without worth . I’ve always been able to have one thing, be it only half seriously, that I liked about myself, but there is nothing anymore because there is no me anymore. Me has been buried, erased really, by a daily application of “normal “.
I was super active, w/ a plan for each day. I was a happy person, FULL of ideas I carried out–I was so creative, and got along w/ almost everyone.
Now I look at a can of spray paint and watch it like it’s a feature film. My house was perfect, and I cooked. No more. I have 4 bedrooms and one looks like a crime scene –and I just don’t care.
I’m addictd to the internet in a way, but then I promise myself I’ll do something useful tomorrow. That hasn’t happened lately.
i think Freud say ”anger is depression turned inward”…I would have to agree w/ him.
I’ve buried 6 members of my 7 member family so far, and I’m the only one left. I have a wonderful husband tho–and he just lost his best friend of over 40 years! He dropped dead!!!!!!!!!! So, I’m angry and don’t take shit from anyone handing it out, I’ve got my own toilet.
One man I’d met on line (that was bipolar also) from another forum, befriended me and later stabbed me in the back.
I thought he was so wonderful and helpful towards me, but he hurt me for nothing.
I really valued, trusted and believed in him. This hurt me, and shocked me so much. I don’t trust anyone anymore online anymore…
But I trust you Natsha. You make a living helping others, and that takes so much time, energy and heart..
I could hug you for the help you give me and others.. ((((Natasha))) ok there’s your hug! xooxox it was a hard one. :)
:-) You BP online friend – I think you forget how unreliable Bipolar friends can be. We can be warm and enthusiastic about a friendship, just as we can be enthusiastic about anything else, like building a shed for example. And then the bipolar switch is thrown, and the enthusiasm and joy we get from building the shed or …. a special relationship, it vanishes. Isn’t this is why bipolar people can look behind them and see a trail of broken relationships, of friendships and a whole host of other things scattered in splinters about the path they’ve trodden? (Yep, ‘bricks and mortar’ friends as well as cyberspace ones.) Well, dunno about you, but I can! Fortunately, things have been much more stable these past couple of years, but I don’t know how long this will last – huge dispute started in the family (where there’s a will there’s a war…) and it’s already thrown me once into a deep place that had me in floods of tears, sobbing uncontrollably. (Better these past few days, but you know how it is …) I also find I don’t want to re-visit those friendships or busted projects when the corner is turned and I’m feeling better, I think because they remind me of the dark places I was at when I was with them the last time around.
As long as I know I didn’t ‘bust up’ the friendship, I’m really ok.
I have friends with real earthly bodies, but not bp friends. Only one ot of state.
I thought if bipolars met each other, there might or should be a bond
Are bp people all lieing, 2 faced and mean? I’m not. Never was. I sob over the dead only. With others I have gone my separate way with, I’m ok. I don’t care how insane you or any one of us is, fights don’t have to happen.
Fights happen when the asshole that started the whole thing, and never admits it to the other.
And you don’t have to be bipolar to follow my analysis. If I’m at fault, it’s easy for me to say I’m sorry.
Seems crazier people than I would rather not. Ergo making them crazier. How could ANYONE stand them? Then they cry ”lonely”. I guess it’s b/c I’m a true, kind and decent friend. Funny sometimes too.
You don’t find people like me anymore. I’m a rare breed, and I know it.
I do have a bad back, and I don’t like frozen brussel sprouts, hominy or white corn. Can’t take bad breath or dirty underwear. I can’t sand when people pick their nose in their cars, but hey, I’m not perfect. just rare.
Given your likes and dislikes, I think we have a lot in common! :-)
But I was not thinking of BP friends (or in relationships) splitting because of fights. I’m thinking purely of how we may be enthusiastic about things, including relationships/friendships and how this enthusiasm can wane as the mood cycle changes. Sadly, that doesn’t necessarily mean the relationships are flawed, just that how we see them is coloured by our BP moods, and that can make them seem better, or worse, than they actually are.
I was once engaged to a fabulous lady, but I let her go when I became disinterested in her and depressed. I didn’t know the depression was part of a BP cycle (I hadn’t had a proper diagnosis at that point) or that the disinterest was probably transitory, cause by a BP mood swing. Indeed, I was persuaded by a psychiatrist that the ‘disinterest’ was a symptom of a failing relationship and that was the cause of my depression; so, when the relationship ended, when my fabulous fiance left me, I assumed everything would be ok. Of course, it wasn’t ok because the relationship wasn’t the cause of the depression – the BP did that all by itself. And as I came out of the depression, I missed her desperately; but by then, it was too late to mend the broken bridge.
Emotions or feelings towards a spouse or a friend go up and down like a yo-yo. One day you’ll look at your spouse and think overwhelmingly of how much you love them and the next hour, your spouse farts–or breaks your ipad, and then you can’t stand her/him– why You don’t break things OR fart!
Then you really blow up. No one speaks for a few hours, or days–and so it goes.
We don’t love or like one another in the same way, each day or even at different times of the day.
Our feelings wax and wanes all day long, depending what mood we’re in –and what mood they ”put us in”.
We can’t control them or who they are, But- we can control how we respond to them.
If we stop and think.
I don’t believe my husband would do anything on purpose to piss me off , but when he does, and I ”think” it’s on purpose–hell breaks loose. That’s my problem, and if I so choose, I can make his life really miserable, by blaming him, screaming at him, not talking to him, or leaving the house dressed to kill and squealing out of the driveway… etc
You can take a casual ride with your best friend or lover, and not say a word for hours.
That doesn’t mean you don’t care, or don’t love them–it can means a million other things..
You have nothing to say, just want to relax, you’re looking at the scenery, you’re counting all of the red cars..
It’s just a moment in time. You’ll talk later.
You’re not so interesting either. You can be a superfluous bore yourself. You can look attractive to your friend or lover one minute, or look really butt phuking ugly in the morning light, some days.
We all feel disinterest in our sig others at different times of the day, month , or the years we are with them.
Your psychiatrist is a fucking moron to suggest that disinterest is a sign of a failing relationship.
One has to Work at a relationship, –and have other interests –other than each other.
Disinterest can be a sign of apathy, depression, or boredom, just to name a few.
Did you ever in your life, think the disinterest was Your fault?
I did. I got some slutty nighties and changed things up a notch. I began watching boxing w/ him, having loved it before, I went back to enjoying it again, just by remembering to share what he likes. It’s not all about me.
We both know I am sick. Sometimes REALLY sick But he knows what response is the real me and which one belongs to the Curt Cobain club. The Amy Winehouse of horrors.
But back to the subject, I never feel ”normal” anymore. Never.
I may forget an hour or so if I’m conversing w/ an old friend I meet in a store, watching a movie, but if placed in a room full of my relatives, or others, I just want to take off.
I’m afraid I won’t make total sense (jumping around w/ dif subjects) or begin to rattle off like an auctioneer. The last time that happened I talked so fast and hard–I sounded like I was grilling my neices friends by sticking a mike in their faces at a crime scene.
I never shut my mouth. They were 20 minute sentences!
Now I sheepishly just say ‘hi’ to them—like that wasn’t me.
No, I never feel normal—except maaaybe when I’m here, or my hus tells me I’m ok. after having a crying, ‘bad memory’ jag.
I miss the old high functioning, funny, creative, living wild, and carefree female that was -me.
I loved her, and I pray, wish upon stars, blow candles out on cakes– to get ‘her’ back.
To be ”her” again and forever.
You can never replace someone you have loved and lost, with another.
Never.
I now, have officially left the building. Lights off, doors locked. ‘Condemned’ sign tilted to the left.
And I don’t have any idea where I’ve gone…….
“Lights off, doors locked. ‘Condemned’ sign tilted to the left. And I don’t have any idea where I’ve gone…….”
I know – you’ve gone to the “Writers’ Room”. You write well – keep doing it. :)
I don’t think its just bp people that are all liars,back stabbing and mean, I think that is just most people in general these days.I’ve never understood why people waste so much time acting like one person until they get someone to like them,then they change back to their asshole selves and want to be all crappy with you for not dealing with their crap,when if they had just acted like their true selves to begin with everyones time wouldn’t be wasted,people wouldn’t be upset and they just miy find someone that doesn’t care that they are theway they are.Maybe its just my paranoia but seems to me more often then not when someone opens their mouth a lie comes out.It sucks.
Thanks for reminding me I’m not alone. I’m in a hell pit of depression and my 3 meds are clearly not enough. I swear I wish I could trade in my brain. I have completely irrational thoughts and feelings and reactions to normal life stressors. I know my reactions are not normal. I cannot even put my hair iron back in the cabinet. I’m just sitting there staring at it. It’s too daunting. And I’m lonely. I may have many more days of this torture, or wake up tomorrow with a new lease on life and be ready to take on the world. One never knows when it comes to my moods. They flip that fast and unpredictably. Lucky me. Full of surprises. Who knows what my normal is I swing like a pendulum. All.the.time.
Christine,
If it’s any consolation or makes you feel any better, I feel the same way with a lot of what you are saying if not all of what you mentioned. The best way I can describe my bipolar depression is me standing alone outside of everyone else in the world and just staring at life going on right in front of me but I’m trapped on the outside looking in and it doesn’t matter how far I reach to get into that world or what I tell myself, “Everything is going to be okay”, I am still stuck in my own world of nothingness. It’s as if nothing is going on in my brain. I am a blank slate and any thought I have isn’t a complete thought. I feel like I lost all of my faculties and I am waiting for the next medicine to help restore the person I used to be. I have always depended on medication because that is the only thing that has ever helped me. I have seen friends in the past, exercised, took special vitamins, etc and nothing fixes the depressive episodes but the pills. Each time I have a depressive episode, the symptoms are worse each time. So, I know exactly how you feel. I feel like just a body walking around. This has been going on now off and on for the past year and a half. When does it stop?
The worst is that it feels you’re walking down a coal-black tunnel that gets smaller as you move along it, and there’s no end light to be seen to offer any hope. BUT it DOES GET BETTER. There’s a trick: The “trick” is to stay alive long enough to reach the end of that tunnel. But the end does come if you can stand that horrid, dark journey. Oh, as it is with bipolar it may all come back again if the meds’ don’t work longer term, but at least you’ll know by then that you’ve got through it all once before, and that *may* bouy you up just enough to go through that tunnel again.
Well, just like you I struggle with what normal is. I feel that normal has the same feelings and emotions as bipolar. The difference being the degree we feel and act on our emotions. I remember once, when I was married, my wife started discussing a divorce. I became angry and agitated. Well she said I was having a manic attack and took me to the hospital. Well, I have never really known how normal people react so I assumed I was manic. To my surprise when I saw the phsyciatrist, he stated that I was not manic. He said I was pissed off and that was a very normal reaction. Now if I carried that anger over to other aspects of my life, then it could be a manic episode. But sence my anger was directed at what I was pissed off about then this is considered a normal reaction. Since then I have used his advise to determine if I am acting normal or bipolar.
Just checking
I feel much more normal now than when I was first diagnosed. I was always different as a child and I started having bipolar symptoms when I was 14. I was diagnosed when I was 19. With treatment and therapy, I have been able to have better relationships with others. I now spend a lot of time with ‘normal’ people and I have learned from them what is appropriate in social situations. I have learned a lot from observation. Now I can fit in pretty well with ‘normal’ people. The ways I am the most different are that I don’t drink and stay out late as many of my friends do.
I’ve never been normal. I’ve only been episodic for about seven years but for the other 25 years I’ve been the odd one out. Too smart, too musical as a child, and didn’t I pay for it socially? At least I had friends. In my career I worked as a lone ranger, the only one of my kind on the team and now? Now I feel more normal than ever, I feel a little stupid, incapable of basic tasks, nothing special now. People call me sweetie, and love, and they expect nothing. There’s no resentment. I try not to be normal, if possible.
A cartoon character who ate spinach said it all. “I am what I am, that’s all that I am…”
Normal is highly overrated so said a wise coworker. We can become so introspective
while wanting to please others, or not, that the view of our immediate world becomes
overly anal, and we suffer. We become the wiping boy for ‘normals’. Striving to remove personal peculiarities
can be damaging. Tis better to find people who can live along with us rather than try to
conform to the neurotic masses ideal of NORMAL. All nor-mal means is not-bad. Being
bipolar is exemplary, or just obnoxious. The onset of either of these qualities is a chemical crap
shoot which has not significantly changed since the fifties. Big pharma has yet to find a cure
for unwanted sporadic emotional variations, and neither can they find a way to profit from it.
BP = over-the-top reactions or over-the-top emotions? Sounds like my OCD! [Obsessive Compulsive Disorder]
A big part of OCD is overreacting to perceived dangers. Worrying excessively. Things like that. It’s what makes me freak out when I think I’ve seen rat or mouse poop in my house. I start worrying about the hantavirus. About my son, my husband and I getting sick. If I can possibly get the house “clean” again, especially when the little buggers have gotten into our lower kitchen cabinets before. :P If it would be better to “insure heavy and burn”? ;)
I wanted to find their point of entry in the lower kitchen cabinets, and plug it up. As it is, I’ve already had to do a thorough cleaning of those cabinets twice, and re-washing of all the dishes down there once. The first cleaning was when we moved in and there was mouse poop from the previous tenant’s mice experiences!!!
It’s been years since I re-washed ALL those dishes at once. Or cleaned those lower cabinets again. Now I simply assume anything from down there is probably not clean enough, and wash it before I use it to cook or store anything. It bugs me, but the idea of having to CLEAN IT ALL OVER AGAIN ONE MORE TIME is more than I can bear. :P And thankfully, I haven’t seen a mouse or a rat in the house in maybe 2 years.
We have 2 German Shepherds. Do they chase rodents? Of course not! Birds and flying insects, sure, lol. Dumb dogs. Should have gotten a cat too.
Ok, well, that was just one aspect of my OCD — a contradictory one. First that I had to rewash everything, and second that now I just don’t have the energy to do it again. It’s too stressful, and makes me too fearful of breathing in rodent dropping/pee particulate matter that becomes airborne in spite of my efforts while cleaning.
Another aspect is that I felt like I had to tell you all the gory details of my rodent experiences. Well, not every, lol. [I spared you how insane I was cleaning up rat poop in the living room.] I’m sure I could have stated it in much fewer words.
Anyway, I’ve been reading this blog for a while. And since I’m a ball of anxiety at times, and can get depressed w/o knowing why, or happy w/o knowing why (heh), and even a touch manic if I connect with someone on a well enjoyed subject or if I let my anxiety “go nuts”, and also have my “angry at everything” days, well, I’m either experiencing
(1) Evidence that I’m also BP
(2) Just another aspect of my OCD
(3) Totally normal human feelings.
Of course, I’m female, so it could also be (4) damned female hormones. :P
But anyway, I know all about having emotions that are over-blown for the situation. And for some reason, I feel a lot of comfort and camaraderie when I read this blog. :)
Anyway, hang in there, fellow not-normals. You’re pretty normal for not being normal. :)
I have often expressed the same feeling, Natasha. I just don’t know anymore. I’ve forgotten what normal, my normal, is anymore. I take my cues from my husband and others whom I respect. I withhold my anger, my excess of joy, and the impulse to talk over others when hypomanic. Depression is a whole other box of problems. Thank you for writing this. It’s good to hear from you and others who understand just how frustrated and lost we sometimes feel. Please keep writing. I find you very relevant and helpful.
Appearing normal is exhausting.
I have no clue as to what normal even means anymore. I feel like I am gone and what is left is the disease… I cry for my family.
It is challenging to appear safe to the world, when the world doesn’t appear safe to you.
Bugger! Now I don’t know whether I’m in a euthymic period or ‘normal’ with Dysthymic Disorder! How do I tell the difference?
Normalcy is relative to the one, perceiving it.
It IS normal to be angry. It IS normal to be sad. It IS normal to be happy. It IS normal, to be mad. It really really is; normal to feel and emote and react and initiate and promote, etc. It’s called; being human.
Thing is, with Bipolar – it’s the “over the top” stuff, that gets most of us and with Bipolar being different for each of us – a highly customized illness for the one it inhabits… what is normal?
There are folks, with mental illness, that become the illness. They walk around, emoting the illness. Everything IS the illness and everything is to be blamed ON the illness. It takes away the responsibility to restrict, repress, and restrain ourselves… to just blame our actions and behaviors and feelings and emotions on a mental illness. We, the human, is in there – somewhere.
You are a person with an illness, called Bipolar. You are NOT Bipolar and as much as you may want to be Bipolar… you are merely a person with the illness, defined (depending on the clinician who sees you and diagnoses you) with Bipolar.
it IS normal to feel… its what we do with those feelings; that differentiates (?sp) the illness vs. normal.
Well put.
This makes me think of one of my favourite quotes from one of my favourite books – Impro : Improvisation and the Theatre by Keith Johnstone :
“Sanity is actually a pretence, a way we learn to behave. We keep this pretence up because we dont want to be rejected by other people – and bein classified insane is to be shut out of the group in a very complete way.
“Most people i meet are secretly convinced that they’re a little crazier than the average person. People understand the energy necessary to maintain their own shields, but not the energy expended by other people. They understand that their own sanity is a performance, but when confronted by other people they confuse the person with the role.
“Sanity has nothing directly to do with the way you think. Its a matter of presenting yourself as safe.”
I understand completely. I would like to suggest a few things.
1. Simplify your routine and daily life. Do not entertain what you know to drive you bonkers. I have a problem with working on something and demanding too much of myself all at once. If something is starting to bother you. Calmly put it aside for the moment and move to something else. Explore your hobbies, but try to focus on simple things during times of frustration. I think we all tend to get sucked in to one thing after another when we get frustrated. In turn we respond in the wrong manner when alot of times our feedback is unjust and ill-timed.
This is time for “self regulation.”
2. Talk to someone who isn’t afraid to respond honestly. Sometimes we tend to act like children when things get irritating. Worst part is when we have convinced ourselves that we are.justified in our anger. That may be. But that does not make it so others and our environment deserves our backlash.
I have destroyed alot of property in my outbursts. Hundreds of holes in walls. Thousands of dollars in damage to my own belongings. This behavior is not fair to me and those around me. And frankly, I don’t deserve that treatment. I look like a complete ass when I behave that way.
3. Give yourself credit. You try hard and I know you do. But most, if not all of us need to recognize the “environmental” causes that trigger us. Whether it be nutrition, family, job or social stresses. Either way, 99% of the time it is something we have been part of that is affecting our peace. This is why I say to simplify life. If you don’t like it, don’t play a part in it.
4. Break the cycle! Anger that leads to outbursts, even the ones in private is destructive. We lose confidence in ourselves when we lose control. We get angry for being angry. Angry because no-one seems to understand. You cannot expect great things of yourself by losing control. TAKE CONTROL! Empower yourself. As hard as it is I know you can do it.
I will give an example of how you can know that you can control your response. Say, you are at the mall. Something starts to bother you. Most people shut down and evade. Escaping the situation so you can run to a private place and let go. Problem is, as soon as you let go you are subconsciously hurting yourself. Reinforcing the idea that you cannot control yourself. BUT, don’t forget that when you were making your escape you were controlling yourself. That’s a win in my book.
Give yourself credit for the small steps you take to get to a happier place in life. Most, if not all of the people I have met that have a bi-polar diagnosis are very smart, talented and people with high expectations of themselves and others.
“Wakin up dead inside of my head will never never do, there is no med. No medicine to take. I’ve had a chance to be insane asylum from the falling rain, I’ve had a chance to break.” -Red Hot Chili Peppers -Slow Cheetah
James, I didn’t really realise until I read your comment, that part of being bi-polar can mean the anger. I know I get more angry than I ever believed was in me. And also very agitated. I act very calm in my job however. But you talking about destroying things has really opened my eyes. I remember some years ago literally throwing out some “old” admittedly furniture into the back yard, which had a space of concrete. It seemed to help my anger, or at least it exhausted me. So I know that the anger is part of it. thanks for what you wrote.#4 especially resonated with me! I have been de cluttering all weekend. I have little left to de clutter, but still I get rid of stuff. Bags and bags of paperwork, good clothing with the labels still on them, books, (I love my books), bags, even a $400 leather back pack, all to the op shop. I feel that the less I have the less chance I will get angry when I can’t find that piece of paper I need, or I trip over something I was just too lazy to put out of the way. I do like minimalist living, so I don’t have a problem, but even my adult daughter says to me “mum you wouldn’t have anything left to throw out?”. I said to her yesterday, “I was thinking of seeing if you want that bit of furniture with the glass doors etc”. She replied “why are you going to just sit on your couch and look at that bare wall?” hmmmm . Anyway thank you again for your comment. It was incredibly insightful for me.
‘Normal’ reactions aren’t necessarily healthy reactions. the problem isn’t us. look around at people’s behaviors and listen to what they say. there are bazillions of stupid passive aggressive idiots that think they know it all and not one has been to a therapist trying to reach inside the dark caves of their mind to try to see what they don’t want to see.
At least we try. we are courageous enough to say ‘i’m fucked up.’ i walked into a first appt with a new psychiatrist and before i said a word i wept for ten minutes. she freaked out. is it seeing a new doctor, do you not like the furniture? wtf? i put my hand up to say stop! when i regained my composure i said, i have no idea what brought that on. none!
i think, maybe i know, that when i’m angry and it might go on for a long time, i’m not angry. i’m tired, i’m hurt, i’m sick of the fight and i’m sick of people not believing i’m sick. crying is the cure. at least for today. pent up emotional, incurable, brain constipation. i cry a lot these days but still shoot the finger at bad drivers. just not at cops anymore. 50% of cops are begging you to get in their face because they would love to beat you to a pulp. who told me that? a cop.
sorry, can’t stay on topic. i’m amusing as hell to talk to.
Hello, I came across this blog about 2 months ago when i forced my husband to go to a mental hospital after he kicked down our door in his rage. He was diagnosed as bipolar disorder 2. We have been married for 2 1/2 years. Before marriage we were in a relationship for 1 year with no signs of bipolar/depression/anger. Two days after the wedding day he ccompletely changed and has not acted at all like the way he did when we were dating and engaged. I have done so much reading and he still has yet to pick up a book or read an article about this illness. I am incredibly unhappy in my marriage often feeling lonely and on eggshells and worried as my daughter (his step daughter) wants to love on him and gets the cold shoulder or a “go away” from him. It tears my hearts into pieces. He is taking meds and promises to continue to go to therapy even though I have tried and tried and tried to get him to talk to me about his triggers (which seem like everything is a trigger, breathing is a trigger) it feels like we will never find a happy medium. I have separated from him because i need space for my own sanity as my emotions in trying to deal with him are causing conflicts with my job. 2 1/2 years in hell…I am not sure how much longer I can wait for him to go into remission. Im so lost and confused. i want to go back home and be with him but i am worried he will just return to being unhappy and angry all the time and loosing his job all the time. My question is…..Are people who have BD ever happy without being manic?
Okay… so, just to understand: You were in a relationship with your husband, prior to marriage, for a year and he was what? Perfect, well behaved, acted as a gentleman, never showed a hint of anger – emotion – reaction?
You don’t just BE Bipolar one morning. There has to be something, going on for a wee bit and one with Bipolar cannot truly “hide” it for a year, or longer. There are cycles, mood swings, changes, etc..
Now, could he have been “stable” for a year and then the marriage triggered a relapse? Possibly.
Change for one with Bipolar, be it a good thing or a bad thing, does a number on those with Bipolar. Those with Bipolar just simply do not handle change, well.
It is good that he is taking meds and going to therapy. It is good, for your sake and sanity, to put some space between you and well; “happiness” Sug, is only an emotion that is quite often very fleeting, even amongst those not diagnosed with a mental illness.
Oh, and can we – who have Bipolar – ever be happy without being manic? Yes.
Mania, for most of us, is not “happy happy happy” anyway. Many of us struggle with “agitated” and “irritated” and “building pressure speeding up within us that we can’t get out” mania. No,… happy happy happy mania is not with most.
During the year we were together before we got married, i witnessed him beind depressed 2 times, both times were anniversary dates of when a coupke of his friends died. The depression lasted a few day each but not to the point where he slept 4 days like he recently did when he lost his job because he kept cming up with excuses why he couldnt go to work. Can one with bipolar disorder, with the help of meds and therapy , not choose happiness and make happiness? i see so many thibgs to be happy about, why doesnt he? I dont mean to upset anyone with these questions that appear very ignorant on my part but he wint let me go to his therapy appointment so i feel left in the dark. I want to help him but i dont know how.
I love reading your blog. It is so odd that it makes me feel more “normal” because I am more aware that there are people going through the same struggles I am. It can be so very lonely walking and muddling through the bipolar mess. My psychiatrist says I am in remission but I honestly do not believe there is such a thing for bipolar. You will always be bipolar, there is no getting rid of it like there is cancer. It doesn’t go away then come back. Well it does but that is called cycling. Thank you Natasha for bringing us all together in this fight that is so tiring but obviously necessary.
Bipolar can go away, that is if my diagnosis was accurate. I haven’t had a mood swing for years. I believe that neurosis has been pretty much the norm for humans throughout the history of civilisation. Mental health among adults is so rare as to almost not exist. By mental health I mean a way of interacting with others which is not destructive to ourselves or them. We develop ways of coping, forms of what psychiatrist Wilhelm Reich called “character armour”. Those of us who are diagnosed with bipolar disorder have an ineffective, volatile form of armour. This can have its pros and its cons. Many of the most brilliant creative individuals throughout history have been bipolar. The instability of their armour kept it from strangling their inherent creativity, but at a cost. True mental health is a creative but relatively stable state.
The key to mental health is unconditional self-acceptance. This may be particularly hard to achieve if we begin from a position of being bipolar because we are liable to criticise ourselves for the behaviour which arises from our mental condition. But several years without a mood swing is enough to persuade me that it is possible. I still take medication to be on the safe side, but the medication wasn’t enough to prevent mood swings before I learned the art of self-acceptance.
I just told my wife last night that I no longer know who is in my body because the person she is talking to is a disease and not me. I believe the me I used to like once in a while is gone forever. The meds have done a number on me , also. I used to be up and at it early in the morning decades ago, now If I can get out of bed by 10 I am astonished. How can I scream out “help me” when I no longer know who me is and this disease morphs and changes all the time. I can cycle twice a day. I am an ultra ultra ultra cycler. Mania for me is just less of a depression.. When I have a good day I am real scared because I know the next day I will crash hard. I believe I have a photograph of my future and it is not bright at all. It scares me to death. Normalcy is not in the equation.. Fear and anger and hopefully sanity is. We were all born innocent.
I think the more inclusive our view of ourselves is, the more stable it is likely to be. If we acknowledge that all of the things within us which frighten or disgust us are a part of us then there is less need to fight against acknowledging them. This doesn’t mean that any of those things are our essential self. As you say, “We were born innocent.” Any angry or selfish or otherwise destructive feelings we have are a normal natural result of the fact that our instincts have been frustrated. We are born into the world wanting pleasure and the chance to be creative, but impediments are put in our way to achieving these things. We are indoctrinated into unhealthy beliefs systems. Others take out their resentment over their own frustrations on us. If we hurt as a result of this, then naturally we become selfish because selfishness is the natural self-directedness of the suffering individual. And then we get blamed for being selfish, perhaps by those who hurt us in the first place.
But if we can own all of our emotions and all of our thoughts, recognising that thoughts and emotions, unlike actions, cannot harm anyone, then we may find three things :
1. We are better able to avoid acting upon our emotions in counter-productive ways.
2. The force and turbulence of our emotions and thoughts may slow down. They say that there is no rest for the messenger until the message is delivered. Try to deny a thought or emotion and it will become more insistent.
3. The direction of the uncensored flow of our thoughts is towards wholeness and healing as an individual. If it were not a scary process more people would have achieved it.