Part of having a mental illness like bipolar disorder is having a brain that hates you. A brain that overreacts to the slightest perceived imperfection. All it takes is believing that we have done something wrong for our brain to see it as a capital offense and spend hours or days beating ourselves up about it.
This is pretty de rigueur for someone with a mental illness (especially depression or anxiety).
Beating Yourself Up Over a Perceived Error
And this morning I got an email from someone in just this situation. This person had spent some time with friends and felt they were overly-anxietious, overly-talkative, overly-hyper and so on. And unfortunately, this person was using this perception to beat themselves up.
This is wrong. Please read my response to this person. I hope it will help anyone in this situation (which includes me, from time to time).
To those who would beat themselves up over a perceived mistake:
First of all, be gentle with yourself. This is a Buddhist concept. You deserve to be treated as well as you treat others. You’re being far too harsh.
You have to understand that your perception of what happened might be skewed. You may not have been nearly as anxious, hyper, talkative, and so on, as you think. And even if you were, others may not have found that a negative.
You’re basically beating yourself up for something that might not have even happened!
Additionally, try to remember that you’re not perfect, none of us are. Even if you weren’t perfect yesterday, that’s OK, because none of us meet that standard. These people care for you and aren’t going to judge you nearly as harshly as you’re judging yourself because they’re not perfect either.
You try your best, every day, which we all do, and that is good enough. Your flaws are OK. Your imperfections are OK. You didn’t do anything wrong or bad it’s just your brain trying to make you think you did. Brains tend to lie. You were just like everyone else. Which is what we all are.
This article really touched me. I sobbed. Two years ago I realized just how much I hated myself and when I admitted it in a group therapy session, I couldn’t even let the others look at me. But it was a turning point. Every day I learn to love myself a little more and work hard to come back when I backslide. Thank you so much for this blog.
Perception tends to be a person’s reality. From experience real or perceived, I try to be the person i believe in. Then sit back and watch the fun… Others will get over, or gain from whatever your contribute to society
Hello, Having just Googled BPSD and vitriol you are one of a few reponses. I am horrified and becoming conscious of the odd times I become vitriolic about a situation or person rarely to their face but either in my head or with another. My vitriol is totally huge and destructuve. I am horrified only just to have become conscious of the behaviour which I have not read about in literature or been told about. It is so destructive. Why?
1. I wind myself up and so undermine further my wellbeing and self management (a daily way of living for me).
2. It is not behaviour I want to put out in the world.
3. It shocks most people even if it is not about them.
4. If it is unleashed against the person it destroys friendships and damages others and hurts me too.
Looking back over thirty years of adult life (only diagnosed for 10) I can see how It has affected myself and others. I will self manage, talk with my therapis and get to what is going on behind it)t, I already apologise and I think I’ll medicate when it could be destructive to others (leg a valium knock out). It is an incredibly strong and forgiving person who can forgive this. I only have one such fiend in my life and I treasure him.
Though I understand and beleive the cancer analogy. Guys we really hurt people when we let rip. We need to take responsibility and grow through this as with all other aspects of bi polar.
Comments and ideas? Thanks for reading this. Namaste
Hi Helen,
Well, you might not have read about it because it isn’t a typical symptom of bipolar disorder. Irritation is known as a symptom, but what you describe goes beyond that. You describe a very angry situation.
I do think problems like this are best handled by therapists. You have done a great thing by seeing this pattern in yourself, and now you can work on changing it. It is likely that you have a personal factor that is driving your anger and your behavior and that is something you can best handle with a professional.
The only thing I can suggest until you have a chance to work through this professionally is deep breathing. Deep breathing and counting to 100 will calm your nervous system. Before you blow, try that. And it sounds like you already have a handle on self-talk, but using that at the same time would also be good.
I’m sorry I can’t be of more help.
– Natasha Tracy
When I have been wound up before I have been very hurtful to people. The big myth of mania is that is is “happy, happy, joy, joy” maybe to a point but after that my skin crawls and I can be extremely irritable.
Just recently I tried mending fences with an estranged sister for similar reasons. I said, “I am sorry I was hurtful, my illness is no excuse but it does amplify my reactions and I reacted to you viciously, my apology is unconditional”
I have received no response. I hope I do but I am not holding my breath. I hope she reaches back. All I could do is say sorry and move on. I miss her. I hope it can be different.
To be perfectly honest I feel that if I was Cancerous and nasty she would have accepted my apology. If she does not , I can be comforted by the fact that I tried.
Bipolar Disorder does not give you a “free pass.” for bad behaviour but one hopes it does colour the compassion shown by the recipients of your vitriol.
Hi Jake,
I’m sorry to hear about your sister. You’re right, all you can do is apologize and try to move forward. And hopefully she will accept your apology.
You’re right, I think, if the illness were different people would be more willing to understand a certain amount of bad behavior. Somehow if you have cancer or another “real” illness you’re emotional reaction is understandable but with a mental illness, it isn’t. It’s a sad but true double-standard.
Again, you’re right, it’s not that we get a free pass, no one does, but I do believe compassion is warranted.
Hopefully in the future, you can learn how not to behave that way. That’s a goal we can all work towards.
– Natasha Tracy
I recently found this site, and I don’t know if this is the place to post this, but here goes.
Some years ago I had a dustup with someone I had considered not a close friend, but a friend, for 15 years. I made a totally innocent remark, not meant to be insulting in any way, and she went batshit and called me “asshole,” along with other choice remarks. (I’ve never seriously been called “asshole” in my life, before or since.) I assumed she had misunderstood me and things could be straightened out. I tried taking the high road and told her, calmly and reasonably, that I had meant no offense by the remark. You would think that the response to this would be “I’m sorry, I misunderstood you,” but no. I got some of the most vicious, abusive language that’s ever been directed at me in my life, and I’m over 50. I wondered whether she stayed up at night thinking up vicious things to say to people. Bluntly, if I could have beaten her to a pulp on the spot without going to jail, I would have. If I’m such a terrible person, it’s quite odd that she suddenly found that out 15 years in. She literally managed to destroy the friendship in the space of 10 seconds.
In asking around afterward, I was told by someone who also knew my ex-friend that she’s bipolar, goes around announcing to people that she’s bipolar, and doesn’t take her meds. I guess I’d always been lucky enough to catch her on good days until this incident.
Anyway, I am not inclined to give my ex-friend any kind of free pass for this stunt, bipolar disorder or no bipolar diesorder. I would also add that even if the remark that set her off had been out of line (and it wasn’t), I had my own psychological reasons for making it.
The above is nothing against you (presumably) fine folks–at this writing, none of you has been abusive to me.
Comments?
Hi Staxman,
I’m pretty open here about comments (as long as they follow the commenting rules) so no problem posting your question here.
I can see you’re very upset and angered by your (ex-)friend’s behaviour, and I can understand that. People do say things that can be incredibly hurtful sometimes.
I guess I have a few comments.
First, I might consider not giving up on a 15 year friendship over two bad conversations.It may be true that your friend was in a very bad place and it had nothing to do with you at all, bipolar or no bipolar. And maybe your friend deserves another chance to fix this particular mess. After such a long friendship, I would be inclined to want to work it out.
You’re not inclined to give a “free pass.” OK, I understand that. We all have to take responsibility for our own behaviour even if it is driven by an illness. But do you think you would have some compassion _if_ it was related to an illness? Would that make it easier to understand why someone you have known for so long would act in such a strange way? It’s the kind of thing I would likely have compassion for, but that’s me.
If you can about the person or the friendship you might have to be able to let it go more than you would like. But if you don’t care about the person or the friendship, well, then it doesn’t matter.
Bipolar, if your friend has it, isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour. When I have overstepped, I have apologized. But I’m human and I make mistakes. And sometimes those mistakes are bigger than I realize at the time because I’m not in my right mind. But I try to make amends with people because I can admit when I’ve messed up.
It possible your friend doesn’t realize just how badly they’ve acted and just how hurt you are. Or perhaps they do realize how badly they messed up the first time and the second diatribe was an emotional overreaction in an attempt to “save face” or justify the first outburst. I have no idea. But maybe after some time and a breather, you both can think more clearly about it.
If you want to try to work it out then I would recommend just trying to be very calm and open about your feelings. Feeling like you want to “beat her to a pulp” is extremely scary and not really helpful for anyone. And if you say that you feel hurt and feel she was being unreasonable, maybe she will agree and maybe she won’t, but you’ll likely get a better resolution than how it is now.
But of course, that’s up to you. Good luck.
– Natasha Tracy
Your new blog looks great! As a manic-depressive patient, I used to get depressed and project my low feelings of self worth onto others to beat myself up. Now I’ve become aware of this and say affirmations to help me build up my self-esteem. it really has helped me a lot. I love what you say about the buddhist concept. I am a big believer in that. Great blog:) Imperfections are ok!
Hi Parwathy,
It’s good that you’ve seen the behaviours in yourself and learned how to stop them in a way that works for you.
Thank-you for the compliment on the blog. And there are imperfections here too, good to know they are OK :)
– Natasha Tracy
My psychiatrist says his bipolar patients tend to also have anxiety disorders, which would fit with what you are describing. I wonder what is behind this? Is it biology and something we have learned along the way that is not linked to bipolar disorder?
Hi MadamBipolar,
As you might know, anxiety and irritability can be symptoms of depression and can also be symptoms of hypomania/mania so it makes perfect sense to me that people with bipolar experience anxiety a lot more than your average person. Whether I would characterize that as an “anxiety disorder” or just part of bipolar disorder, I don’t know.
Honestly, I’m surprised more doctors don’t mention it. It’s like they skipped over the diagnostic criteria in the DSM that specifically talks about these things.
And, in my experience, anxiety can also be a side effect of medication, so, another reason for people with bipolar to experience anxiety.
– Natasha Tracy
Many thanks, friend! Perfect advise for a derailed day. DM
Donna-Marie,
Glad I could help “rail” the day :)
– Natasha
Wise counsel indeed. Thanks Natasha!
I need to remember this when I over-analyze ad-nauseum my perceived mistakes and short-comings.
Hi Jon,
I hope it helps. We all need the reminder once in a while.
– Natasha Tracy