I need a break from bipolar. Like, seriously. You know when people say they need a vacation? These people have no idea what it really is to need a vacation. When you have a chronic illness, you suddenly understand what real, daily pressure is and how much you need to get away from it – if only you could. I wish I could get a break from bipolar.
The Stress and Pressure of Bipolar
People have no idea how bipolar affects every minute of my life. From the time I wake up feeling exhausted and not wanting to move, to the time I take my meds, to the time I don’t want to move from the couch because of pain, to the time I take more meds, to the time I must use my coping skills to be moderately stable, to the time when I must try, desperately, to use every trick I know to try and calm myself down so that I can sleep. People have no idea the kind of stress and pressure bipolar puts you under – every, single, goddamn day.
And perhaps, worst of all, all the above is invisible. People practically think I’m making up all that pain. People practically think I’m making up all that exhaustion. I’m not. All of that is very, painfully, horrifically real.
I’m So Tired of Bipolar
And, on top of all that, is that I’m mentally fatigued from having to deal with all that all day every day. Seriously. I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired, as they say. Bipolar treatment does its best to keep me alive, and I am, so clearly it works, but it’s not exactly the most foolproof thing or the most 100% effective thing (especially when your father just died).
A Break from Bipolar
So what I need, more than anything else, is a break from bipolar. And this doesn’t mean an average vacation as I have found that the average vacation can make bipolar worse, not better. I mean a real, mental break from this brain disease. I need someone to relieve me of the suffering for just a little while. Maybe if it just happened for a few days, it would motivate me to keep going knowing that it could happen again.
However, a vacation from bipolar, as we all know, isn’t possible. No one can fix your brain for a week like you can visit a sunny and sandy destination. There are no vacations from bipolar.
And that is tough to swallow, it really is. I feel for everyone with an uncontrolled chronic disorder because it’s the same for all of us. We all suffer every day. And it’s hard for all of us to swallow that reality.
But, as I’ve said before, there are reasons to keep going. There are reasons to fight rapid cycling. There are reasons to fight depression. There are reasons to fight pain. Those reasons are likely different for everyone, but they exist. And the biggest, perhaps, is hope for the future. Hope that the future will not be as bleak as the present. The hope that the future will bring a bit of a break from bipolar because treatment will simply work better.
Exactly how I am feeling today.
Thank you
THIS, this is exactly how I feel, I need a break, from my brain, from so many things in my head just bouncing arround, from taking meds, or thinking I WONT FIND THEM IN TIME, I need a break from my head, from the limbo I am at from not knowing if this is my normal state or am I sad or what is happy or to happy, I need a vacation from all the overthinking that just has me so tired, thnk you for this article its just how I feel….I would also just add lots of confusion
Tx for this post… I know how it feels.
“Life has moments that feel as if the sun has blackened to tar and the entire world turned to ice. It feels as if Hades and his vile demons have risen from the depths of Tartarus solely for the purpose of banding to personally torture you, and that their genuine intent of mental, emotional, and spiritual anguish is tearing you to shreds. Your heart weighs as heavily as leaden legs which you would drag yourself forward with if not for the quicksand that pulls you down inch by inch, paralyzing your will and threatening oblivion. And all the while fire and brimstone pour from the sky, pelting only you.
Truly, that is what it feels like. But that feeling is a trial that won’t last forever. Never give up.”
Tas, if your chaotic rants are a “cure” for bipolar. I hope I’m never “cured”. Its easy for you to apart people for not doing the things you think they should be doing, but in reality you need to fix yourself before you can fix anyone else. And in case you are unclear about this some of us have very painful medical conditions co morbid to the bipolar which makes things you may find easy to do very painful.
I’m so depressed I can barely move, also having mixed episodes.. I just had to tell my family (whom I love completely) that I can’t visit them as planned as I am having a severe episode. They still don’t understand, they never will. I am suffering so bad I can’t even barely eat, let alone talk to anyone. Yes, I am doing everything in my power to get better. Trying to eat right, taking supplements, exercising, getting out in the sun……now I had to start meds again which I hate and I still feel terrible. Please help, I am suffering……
Thank you for writing this, Natasha. Yesterday I lost it. I held bipolar back for too long again and I lost it…the unfortunate recipient was my husband. I was yelling, not at him, but to him about how I can’t drive down the road without being terrified I will cross the center line, I can’t even get into a car without being worried that it will blow up, I can’t cross a lawn without worrying that there are bombs in it. I deal with this on a daily basis, all day, every day. I have problems with mania, so I am ALWAYS holding back my emotions from bursting out of me, especially anger. I just don’t tell anyone about it. So I’ve been accused of “Faking” in order to receive SSDI. I get told “I would never guess you have bipolar disorder” That is a compliment but it’s also an insult. I spend every waking moment fighting, no matter what meds I take. I exercise. I do what I’m supposed to do. It NEVER GOES AWAY. I don’t ever get a break. My son is autistic and bipolar. My daughter has ADHD and a huge load of anxiety. My husband knows these things. He just doesn’t hear me say anything beyond,”I don’t feel good today”. To give him the specifics….now I feel awful, because he carries that burden now, having depression and anxiety himself. He is so good to me. He just listened, then hugged me as I cried. I just screamed at him what I want to scream at everyone BUT him who just doesn’t get it about mental illness. . Just because I appear okay does not mean I am okay. It takes an insane amount of control to function, and I need a BREAK!!
Deanna- It makes me feel so sad to hear this. Believe me, I feel like you do ALL of the time. I am married and have a son who is ADHD. I have that diagnosis in addition to BPI and PTSD. I do not have the exact fears that you do, but a big one has to do with driving. I freeze if I have to drive somewhere I’ve never been, like I literally can’t do it. Even if it’s to take my son to a ball game or something. I will literally have a massive panic attack in the car. My husband has finally got to the point where he “gets” it, he doesn’t understand it, but he “gets it” in his own way. I’m thankful for that.
And I also do get SSDI. I HATE that, because I love to work. I was a marketing executive for 12 years. Loved my job and I was good at it. Then BP came along and wrecked it all. I would love nothing better than to go back to work, but I know I can’t. Even my doc says no way, but I dream. And embarrasses me to no end that I am taking anything from the government. This isn’t how my life was supposed to be! I had a wonderful career and couldn’t wait to climb the ladder. Now I can’t even function on a daily basis. It sucks.
So anyway, I can commiserate with you. Hang in there- we can only do what we can do. We do our best every day. Just remember that, you are trying. It’s not your fault, it’s our stupid brain chemicals.
I’m Bipolar 1 ultra rapid cycler etc etc I really don’t like to list my diagnoses as I find that hearing it in my head somehow it defines me. And I detest the stigma and discrimination associated with any mental illness. So I just keep it to a minimum and say I have a bipolar brain.
Becaus of this blog Natasha I have started very recently to come out of a closet that people have put me in. Yes people put me in it because they didn’t want to believe it for me and it made them question their own brains. I couldn’t possibly be bipolar is what they are thinking. But I decided after reading your blog for a month or two now that I have to open that door they shut on me and tell them that yes I have a bipolar brain and yes I am as normal as them and as they can obviously see which is why they don’t want to recognise my brain being defected is because maybe theirs may be too.
Even so I realised that they all need to be educated just like your blog has educated to me to be me! Me the person everyone describes me as until they realise I’m bipolar I must be faking it when I’m not. I am Lovely just as I am always described on initially meeting me, too funny once I get chatting, intelligent I can hold my own in a controversial discussion, and appear always content at peace. Yes I am all of these things and more and it’s not an act. What I’ve realised is that I have to remove anything and anybody that is toxic to my being and to tell people that I’m bipolar so they don’t take advantage of me because I’m lovely ect and unload their problems which are really very trivial compared to someone with a bipolar brain.
Because of your blog I have somewhere to go for a holiday and rest my brain.
And I always sleep better.
Hi Lin,
That is very sweet of you to say, thank you. I hope that your “coming out” journey is successful and I hope that those around you do get an education because you’re right, it’s essential.
– Natasha Tracy
Oh and when I say meds I meant only tempazepam now for pain. I’ve done the cocktails and unfortunately nothing works I stopped taking cocktails before my thyroid could get worse and my kidney is now prone to stones.
I’m feeling just like you’ve described and thought to look up your blog to see whats new with you and wham! Good to know it’s not all in my head!!! Even though it’s been my entire life and I’m 42 now with this bipolar brain a “holiday” or well in my own words “running away” always sounds nicer! This feels better just to put it down in words and not to be hearing it over and over in my own head. But I’m just so tired and especially tired of taking meds!
Thank you for the topic, Natasha! It’s hard to accept that there is no real break, but there isn’t. I gave up on hope a while back. That sounds wrong, but in a pit of depression, I realized that I don’t need hope. It is just another word for wanting things my own way. I need acceptance. I was born with this brain and I’ll die with it. Maybe someday there will be better treatments. Today isn’t that day. Instead, I have faith. Not in deities or other people places or things. Faith in the fact that if I put one foot in front of the other and do the next best thing, I’ll get somewhere. Why? I don’t ask anymore. I’m alive and I am a human being of an odd variety, but a living, breathing, precious human being, nonetheless. You are definitely precious too.
Today, i got a break from bipolar. It lasted about 15 minutes, but it was enough to keep me going. I hate that to get that 15 minutes, my 11 year old took the spatula out of my hand and said “I can tell your not doing well. Go lay down and don’t fight what your feeling and just be.” A lesson they worked on at his first group therapy session for children with carrying issues. They we’re talking about finding safe places to go when overwhelmed, and how those places are different for different people, but that everyone needs a safe place to just feel what they feel and let it run it’s course. Of course, afterwards I felt guilt that he was taking care of me instead of the other way around, but for 15 minutes I didn’t have to struggle to be something I’m not.
And though I felt guilty about him taking care of me, the peanut butter and Bacon sandwich he made me was excellent. And the fact that even though most days he’s too grown for it, the 15 minutes he cuddled with me and talked about all he had learned at therapy yesterday was the best I’ve had in a very long time
My daughter would (and sometimes still does) tell me “momma, you are being squirrely and you need to go in your room and lay down in the dark on your bed and turn on your pretty music and listen to it. Just go lay down on your bed in the dark and listen to your pretty music and it will make you feel better.”
She started this when she was… oh, say 10 and still… in those high flying desperately seeking can’t slow down and can’t stand still periods of time… she still tells me “go lay down on your bed in the dark and turn on the radio and listen to the pretty music.” She is now 19.
the pretty music is either jazz or classical music… in the dark, laying down, with a fan gently blowing across my face… listening to the sounds of the classical music on the radio station… often soothes me and I’ll either cry horribly till i’m completely drained or drift off to sleep…
either way, even for a few moments or a few hours (depending) it’s better than the squirrely high flying talkative can’t settle agitated ….
Its amazing how much our kids get, even if they don’t always have the words to express it
@MMM:
I empathize completely with your “I’ve got to collapse now so I can put on the game face” description. I work a regular job and it’s an incredible effort to keep on the game face. I know everyone says that…work isn’t fun…people are difficult, and so on. I can tell you the difference. If I don’t keep the game face on I cry, or I scream at people, or I say things that are incredibly unnerving to them. I get in the middle of other people’s business when I don’t need to.
It’s a constant struggle to stay on task and mind my own business, not to collapse in depression when I get a sideways e-mail, not to scream at someone who interrupts me while I’m trying to stay on task and keep positive…always asking myself what a “normal” would sat before I let anything leave my mouth.
I pick up my kids, fix them dinner and get them fed. Then, I go up to my bedroom and close the door. Maybe I don’t come out for 2 hours. And I lay down and imagine that having bipolar disorder tends to shorten a person’s lifespan, so I don’t really need to do this for that many more days. I’ll get some rapid cancer, or my heart will give out. And then, I’ll be done. Almost no one will know. I won’t be a hero, just an inconsequential nothing. But, I won’t be in anyone’s way. I won’t be a burden on them. I won’t disturb them by dying under suspicious circumstances.
I do remember one time this feeling of simple contentment. Not mania, or a respite from depression. The simple feeling that things were OK and the future was reasonably positive. It lasted for about an hour. That was about 20 years ago, and I still think about it when I’m there in the bedroom, often. Outwardly, my life is going pretty well. All the tangible elements of a good life are mostly in place. There is no reason why I couldn’t just close my eyes and feel that simple contentment again.
I try to believe myself into it. I try to meditate a space for it. Sometimes I lay there half-awake, and I dream of the circumstances where it happened. I can hear NPR on the radio. I see the street out the window and feel my back press against that uncomfortable wooden chair. And as these vivid dream-images flow, my mind searches for that feeling which was attached to them – calmness.
But, no. I’m always tired. If you peeled back the tired that comes from poor sleep you would find more layers of tired. Tired follows intense anxiety. Tired flows from repression of emotions. There is an existential tiredness of feeling broken in pieces that I can barely hold together. My life is a novel of tired, page after page; chapters of life that will end in a blankness.
It’s almost impossible to explain to people. My wife loves me. When things are going well, she assumes I’m well. Because, for people, their internal sense roughly approximates their external conditions. That relationship is as intuitive as gravity. You can make yourself feel good by doing good things. If you work hard and find success you experience just satisfaction. Except, I don’t. There is no satisfaction at the end. I just turn the page to the next chapter of tired.
And, the terrible thing is, that feeling is the better one of two. The other one, mania, has it’s own kind of exquisite searing pain. Only a desperate person could confuse it for happiness; someone who has never been happy. But, I’ve been very lucky. I was happy once, a long time ago. I was happy for an hour and I know the difference.
Medications don’t give me happiness. But, they do give me the better of the two feelings I’ve always known. Depression is the Fall; cold, hollow, and damp. Mania is shambling under the burning Summer sun, blinded, sweating, and naked. At least in that bedroom, when I’m tired, I can think.
Love your and relate to your post. Well done!
This is just so frustrating to me to read these posts. Can we get back to the original post? Why does every.single.blog post like this get turned into an argument of drugs vs. no drugs? Tas, no disrespect to you but you do not belong here. Like someone else said, if you are doing that well and are “cured”, then good for you. But many of us are not. We struggle every day with bipolar. If you can’ t relate to any of the posts detailing that, then you have never had bipolar and have no business giving advice or opinions here.
To those here who want to stay on the subject of the original post and are still struggling on a daily basis, let’s talk. I am diagnosed with bipolar I, PTSD, and ADHD. In addition, I am also rapid cycling AND in mixed episodes most of the time. I get very little time that I can call anything close to a respite from BD. I’ve tried it all. I’ve tried going without any meds, with disastrous results.
Can’t even tell you how wonderful it would be for even a slight “break”. Or like a whole day? Can’t imagine. I am SO tired of fighting it all of the time. But I keep doing what I do because it at least keeps me somewhat stable. If I don’t take my meds, I get out of control very quickly. And that’s not responsible of me at all. I have a family and they deserve more than that.
I’ll admit, some days I just can’t fight. I’m so tired and sick. Those days, I rest while my son is at school and my husband is at work. I try to get myself around and “together” before they get home. I put on my smiley face and try to look engaged and interested, even if I’m too out of it to feel anything. But it’s hard. And I keep trying so that my husband can have a wife and my son can have a mother.
Natasha- I am SO sorry about your dad. I know how hard it is to deal with grief on top of BP. Sept 11 was the one year anniversary of my brother’s death. He was also bipolar and unfortunately, he took his own life. He was 10 years younger than I. It was and is heartbreaking. I hope you take your time grieving and give yourself some breaks along the way.
Natasha, sorry for your loss. I lost my mother over 7 years ago and have yet to find closure likely because i, as my sister describes, turned into a robot. Then began a descent into hell resulting in an epic 4 year battle I am finally on the plus side of.
Additionally I found your timing of articles lately remarkable. Shortly after your vacation bit I went on vacation and although armed with my experience and your reminder near disaster ensued resulting in a trip to the Doc and a couple weeks off of work. A break I got – wrong type.
So on Wednesday when I spoke at a branch meeting for CMHA Niagara I had my intro – “When I accepted the offer to speak I was doing pretty good I thought. I hoped to have a polished presentation however I suffered a recent set-back. Timely though as It reminds how discouraging and debilitating Mental Illness can be and the importance of all of you here today.”
Do you know what it is like to want help from a professional so badly, be given the newest pharma med to circulate the profession (pushed by pharma reps) and sit in a room, within your home, and cry with the anxiety that maybe… just maybe… oh G please, let this one work?
I’ve worked 10+ years in psych offices as an admin, I know the slick reps push the meds… some even bring lunch & let us admins partake with the clinical staff, while listening to the marketing… oh but I kept quiet when I’d taken some of those they were marketing.
It’s so hard… to be a patient who works administratively within the therapeutic world but must keep doubly quiet about being a patient… and you hear different clinicians and psychiatrists, over so many years, with their theories of this and that… why patients don’t take meds (mostly ignorant remarks)? etc.
Not all are able to do meds because not all meds do many people and for those of us who have tried so many meds, over so many years… misdiagnosed time and again… given more meds to which some do well for a time and then stop or some that produce horrible (some life-threatening) adverse reactions and you must go without, again…it is so hard to stay in the game of life.
Each and every day I fight my own mind… each and every day. My mind is driven to tear me apart and if it had it’s true will, to kill me. Regardless of how much mindfulness, emotion regulation, cognitive behavioral techniques, exercise, sleep, water rather than caffeinated drinks that I drink… my mind is driven to tear me apart and if it had it’s true will, to kill me and I fight my own mind, each and every day…. all day… every day.
It is exhausting to no end and all so as to look “stable” and “normal” at work, in family moments, at the grocery store, the pharmacy, the doc office, the local restaurant… all the while, my mind chants, races, floors, sinks, wonders, ponders, screams, roars and well, the ongoing 3 person within my head arguing.
I would go back on Thorazine if I didn’t have to work. I mean, not a thought barely in my head and I didn’t much care, cause I had barely a thought that crossed my mind.
I relate too, and wish I could find a cure from this constant torture. I, too, feel as if I’m “faking” and my pain is imaginary…. Just know your’re not alone. I’m so tired, but keep fighting for the sake of my children.
Natasha, I am sorry about hearing that your dad passed on. I lost my mom this spring, who was my rock who never judged me and always let me know when I was getting manic so I could try to calm down in private. My sister and friends are now doing this for me since I opened up and told them more about how bipolar affects my life. I have often wished for a day “off” from bipolar and chronic pain, just to have an idea again what normal feels like. Even ten minutes would be wonderful…I’ve switched to Abilify which, along with stopping working, has helped me feel much better. I also take Cymbalta…so far, so good, but after so much misery on invega and having my emotions back. So to speak is scary and I am always wondering when things might go out of control since I was numb for so long. The love from my companion animals and being responsible for them is sometimes all that keeps me going. I hope you have a pet to cuddle and talk to while you are coping as best you can without your dad.
Ruth,
thank you for sharing….I strongly relate to tire of bipolar life….
I completely understand. I am in my 60s and have dealt with this disorder all my life. I am exhausted. I have good times, and I love my kids and husband, so I stick around, but I am just so tired of fighting this damned thing every day. I often think folks with bipolar live several lives in one.. we are so richly alive, and we feel enough for several lifetimes, and that, in itself is fascinating and maybe even good, but I do think we get tired of life sooner than your average person. If we could take vacations from our illness I think we could hang in there longer. At this point, it would be no tragedy if I died. However, I won’t commit suicide because there still are those great moments when life seems so touching and full, and because I am intensely curious, and because I have these amazing adult children who need me to stick around a bit longer. I tire of my bipolar life, but it’s the only life I have.
I hope you feel better soon. Love to you.
I think you’ve hit the nail on the head with this piece. It says much to try to describe what is basically indescribable: the pain, on every level. After 35+ years of bipolar, undiagnosed and untreated until the past 12 months, I am totally exhausted and frustrated. As you say, ‘there are reasons to keep going’ and if we can, we will. As Samuel Beckett put it: ‘Fail again. Fail better.’ Or, who knows – even succeed!
Natasha, I read your blog and like so many others see myself in these experences. This may be little consolation, but sometimes it’s just enough to Be.
You all help me to know I’m not alone,or imagining these horrible affects to my wellbeing,as a sufferer of bp.I wish all of youwell!Life is good..don’t give friends!!Peace and blessings!
Natasha,
I could swear you are reading my mind…..I think after a 5 day hospitalization I was begin put in a clinical study for bipolar using anticonvulsants of which I have tried Depakote which causes me to stop peeing, I told them this and they gave it to me anyway, Lamictal and tegritol which cause a surge in my brain. It’s like I Dream of Jeannie blinking when she did her wish thing. I was surprised they wanted to use all the old drugs like Geodon. No recommendation on the new drugs like latuda etc I guess because of the cost. My psychiatrist recommended fanapt and it cost 700.00 for 90 days. I noticed all the antipsychotics other than Seroquel ate tier 4 drugs which are not affordable for me. I am a stand alone mediocre insurance.
So sorry you are suffering. After 30+ year of struggling with this, I’ve finally found a great psychiatrist who listens, I was willing to try some meds I wouldn’t have tried otherwise without your blog. I’m feeling stable. It’s not all rainbows all the time, but I feel – dare I use the word..normal? Sitting here now with a clear head…it is just wonderful. I constantly find myself marveling at what “feeling good” feels like. I do keep a pretty strict sleeping schedule so faithfully 7-8 hours a night (which is where most of my meds are focused is to get me to sleep), I eat healthy (lots of protein 120+g a day, low carbs – I found that coming down from the sugar high triggered depression) and I do exercise (raquetball and some weights) almost every day. I miss the mania a little, but don’t miss the depression. I lost my mom over the holidays last year and that did put me in a tailspin so give yourself time to grieve. I have no idea how long my “vacation” from bipolar will last, but I guess I’m writing to say is keep trying, you have helped me and I am sure so many other people so much.
Hmm. Well, i’ll talk to my family doctor and see what he can do about it. Anyway, wish you and everyone who really has bipolar all the best. I hope they find a cure soon!
Like I said, it may be there if someone really digs back far enough but I have never been asked about it, so maybe it’s just time. Or, now that I think about it, could be that the clinic I was first seen at pre Katrina was washed away. I know when I was Dr diagnosed beulemic in college and it turned out that I had ulcers, my family doctor added a note of misdiagnosed on all my records in his office
Did for me. I was diagnosed with several things before, but now my records just say bipolar. I mean, I imagine if someone wanted to read back far enough in my records they might find a mention of something, but nothing that has ever came up since I got stable
Monica, I and a lot of other people who have been misdiagnosed with a life long mental illness would really like to know how we can get the misdiagnosis erased from our records. My last psychiatrist, who tapered me off drugs, and happens to be one of the best in NYC said he couldn’t change what was already on my medical records
You should be able to have your doctor do it. I know you can if your doctor agrees in was a misdiagnosis
Nope. Doesn’t work that way.
Btw. How do you “know” you can do this?
Tas
If you are “cured” from your bipolar, you were misdiagnosed from the beginning. Bipolar can be managed. It cannot be cured. Do your research.
You’re right. I was misdiagnosed. I haven’t had an episode in 4 years without any meds. Do you have any idea how I can erase the misdiagnosis from my medical records?
If you read her blog for more than a few weeks back you would know she has tried about w very natural, herbal, and medicinal thing out there, and in about every combination. She finds things that work for a while, then stop. She, like most of us that are functional bipolar, use medication, diet, exercise, sleep schedules, and counseling to cope. Maybe you should read about more than a week our two before you judge.I’ve been following her for years now, assert leafy it seems like it. Because she tells it how it is… The good, the bad, and the ugly, and encourages people to keep fighting no Mayer how hard it gets
If the drugs are helping then why is every other post about how she has to struggle with bipolar symptoms all day? She admits she doesn’t exercise, which is unhealthy for everyone, whether diagnosed with a mental illness or not. I don’t see how popping pills, sitting on your couch and blogging about how miserable you are is encouraging to others. But whatever, I don’t need encouragement. I already cured myself from “bipoar”, I just think it’s a shame people keep buying into this “life long miserable brain disease” bullshit and then spend the rest of their lives popping pills, sitting on their couch and complaining about how miserable they are due to their genetic brain disease.
Because right now she floundering after just loosing her dad. Like I said, try reading something further back than the last few weeks. I tried your way, everyone telling me I could fight it without the meds, that I just needed to exercise/eat right/pray more, etc. And it almost cost me my life, 3 times. I’m glad your problems we’re mild enough to handle naturally. I really am. But I didn’t start getting better until I accepted this was a life long problem that could be managed but never will go away. That taking my meds every day was just as important as the exercise, diet, and sleep. Till I reached the point where I could fight it on my own and drownd, or do what countless doctors, family members, and counselors had told me for years…that I’m too severe to do it without meds. I tried, and I can’t. Neither can Natasha, which you would realize if you had been following her for a while, through her ups and Downs, and not just the few weeks after a personal tragedy
I’ve read many of her blogs before the passing of her father. Most are like this one. Anyway, wish you well and hope the psychiatrists find a cure for your brain disease soon :)
Natasha, i’ve been following your blog for a few weeks now. I have read several of your posts; many of which point to the fact that you are suffering so much and are in so much pain. If this is true, then please try a different approach. All the drugs you are taking are clearly not working. Please, give yourself a chance and try to make some life style changes; eat right, exercise, meditate, avoid toxic people… If you were writing about how well you are doing, then I’d totally support your choice to do drugs, but you keep blogging about how much pain you’re in. Does this make sense to you?
Tas,
You make good points. However as you know we all are different. Different biology, different levels of affliction , etc. I would like to read more positive blogs on this subject not only from Natasha but others but they are far and few. I am 61. I have been around the block many times and I will say to you that exercise , a good diet and the other things you mention are very valid and help but I will tell you, I eat very nutrient dense foods because I am a vegetarian, I am on a low carb diet, I practice mindfulness meditation. etc. etc. However life isn’t linear. It throws punches t you. My stress levels are beyond comprehension.. Natasha has to earn a livng and having BP is very difficult depending on the severity. I was fortunate enough to have had the resources to be able to take care of my family for 20 years with no income coming in other than disability but those resources are running dry and I fear homelessness will happen for my wife and I in 4 or 5 years. Thats one big stressor. Doesn’t help with my healing at all. So, in a perfect world all those things that you talk about and I do are all variable based on your life situation. You need to have more empathy. Natasha is writing a blog and has won awards.and I await her new post every month. It is real. It is raw and it is a window into her mind and feelings. I await reading your blog… When will you start one as to how you overcame it so you can inspire us. Until then I would lighten up. you are a guest here just like all of us are and Natasha need to be shown the respect she has worked so hard to get with her condition. She has given you an opportunity to voice your opinion when she could easily delete it and she hasn’t. Those are the rules of a professional blogger.. I await you providing us with your link.
Tas, I am super happy that your bipolar is controllable without meds, there are many people out there that are able to do this. But there are also many of us, that without meds, would harm ourselves or others. Every time I try a new med, I have so much hope that it will work. It’s what keeps me going…the hope.
But as my counselor has told me, time after time, meds help, but may not necessarily help that much. Those that seem to help, we keep taking, those that don’t, we go back to the doctor and discuss it with them and maybe try a different one, one that may or may not help.
You see, without meds, our lives are so miserable, or so high, that it’s not safe for us, or others. We need people like Natasha who say it like it is, as most of us do our best to put that shiny smiley face on for everyone, every day. We need to hear that we’re not alone in being tired, of being sick and tired. Knowing that we’re not the only ones who suffer (although we all wish we were, as we wish this on no one) helps us through our day. She puts words to our feelings that we may or may not be able to describe.
While you see pain, anguish and suffering, we see someone making it work, no matter how bad it gets, and see someone just like us, who hopes, and just keeps on hoping for that one hour, one day, or maybe just maybe, that one week of feeling some what normal.
So we need Natasha ad her hope
Tas, everyone has a different experience and a different set of things that work for them. While I’m glad you’re not having problems anymore and can eschew medications, for many they are a lifesaver. While they don’t work perfectly for many people, the question is how much they improve the situation from when people aren’t taking them. Most people I know on meds for bipolar are also conscious of the need for predictable schedules, good nutrition, and other lifestyle changes, as a part of their care.
I would also say that many people and doctors don’t come close to exhausting the range of medical and other treatment options in search of an ‘optimal’ plan for them. From what I’ve read here demonstrating Natasha’s knowledge and motivation, I’m pretty sure that’s not her situation!
Regarding your own situation, if your manic/hypomanic episode wasn’t caused by something else (drugs, other illness, etc.) then sorry, you still would meet the definition of bipolar, even if you haven’t experienced anything in the interim… you’re in full, sustained remission. Consider yourself lucky, and realize that bipolar is a broad spectrum; you’re probably closer to one end, and Natasha who has more severe, frequent symptoms and is treatment refractory is further down.