If you have a bad bipolar day, you might wonder what you did wrong yesterday to cause it. I know I feel this way. I know I look for causes. And I know it feels like it’s my fault. I feel like I must have done something wrong to cause the bad bipolar day. It feels like a punishment for screwing up the previous day.
What’s a Bad Bipolar Day?
A bad bipolar day is a day when you feel really sick because of the bipolar disorder. It’s like having the flu, but with different symptoms. A bad bipolar day is a when the bipolar really acts up. This is just like what happens with any chronic illness. There are regular days and then there are bad days with the illness.
You might have greater or fewer bad bipolar days than others, but I swear, no matter how many you have, you want them to stop and you look for ways to do this, namely, trying to find bad bipolar day causes.
Causes of a Bad Bipolar Day
Causes of a bad bipolar day can be anything as it varies per person. Some things I can identify as causing my own bad bipolar days include:
- Alcohol – if I drink at night I know I will affect me negatively the next day. This is like clockwork. Alcohol affects mood and so when you drink, it affects mood.
- Disruptions in sleep schedule – if I don’t sleep well, I won’t be well the next day. There is just no getting around this. This includes going to bed late/early, getting up late/early or waking up/thrashing about in the night. Sleep is one of the biggest affectors of mood.
- Emotional stress – if I’ve been under emotional stress because, say, I fought with a family member, I’m likely to have a bad bipolar day. I’d say this is a pretty normal emotional response but amplified.
- Being worn-out – if I’m worn out because I’ve done too much, or spent too much time with people or worked too hard, etc., the next day will usually be a bad bipolar day. It’s sort of like being punished for being too functional.
These are just a few of my bad bipolar day causes. Like I said, other people likely have their own. (And, of course, bad bipolar days, can turn into full mood episodes if you’re not careful so they’re very important to take seriously.)
Are Bad Bipolar Days My Fault?
I can tell you right now, that no matter the cause of a bad bipolar day, it is not my “fault” per se. I didn’t create the illness, I didn’t willingly contract the illness and the illness on the whole just isn’t my fault. That said, looking at the list above, obviously, there are some factors I can control and lessen the likelihood of bad bipolar days.
That said, a bad bipolar day always feels like my fault. This is a baked-in problem. A bad bipolar day, for me, will be at least somewhat depressed and I will feel like everything is my fault; and, certainly, bipolar that is acting up is one of those bad things I caused. It’s because I made a mistake. It’s because I was bad. The fact I feel bad is my fault. My brain says so.
What Really Causes Bad Bipolar Days?
Like I said, some causes for bad bipolar days you can track down. I try very hard to avoid these antecedents, and while I’m not perfect, I do my best to mitigate the negative effects of this horrendous illness.
That said, sometimes I do nothing wrong at all. Sometimes nothing stressful happens. Sometimes my sleep is fine. Sometimes (usually) there are no substances present. Sometimes I didn’t wear myself out. Sometimes bad bipolar days just happen. Maybe there’s a biochemical reason in my brain that I can’t track or fathom, but as far as I can tell, nothing can cause a bad bipolar day. They just happen, regardless.
I think feeling like you cause bad bipolar days is a double-edged sword. Partially, you may be right and this may help you take responsibility for your own actions and improve your life and the experience of your illness. That’s a good thing.
Of course, if you always blame yourself for bad bipolar days – something you so often have no control over – then all that does is make you feel worse. That’s a bad thing.
So I’m here, having a shit day, and I’m trying to figure out what went wrong yesterday. But as far as I can tell, nothing did. My brain just exploded. There is no reason. There is no cause. I didn’t do anything wrong.
I find this hard to accept because I want to believe I have control. We all want to believe we have control in our lives and in this illness; but the fact is, we have very limited control. I need to accept this. Not accepting this just makes these days worse. Beating myself up about what I can’t control is a waste of energy and not helpful. Because, after all, bad bipolar days suck enough without feeling like it’s all our fault, too.
So I’m going to try to give myself a break and just do whatever I can to make it through this awful day. And admit nothing happened yesterday and I don’t have control over my bipolar disorder.
Image by Flickr user: Live Life Happy.
This is so helpful. I just lost a job over the complications of Bipolar. I am the only one that pays my bills and I’m terrified that I won’t be able to work without a string of jobs I lost. I’m afraid of myself. You’ve helped me understand myself. For that, I thank you. I need help though. ☹️
This article was very good. I have a good friend (the friendship is 2.5 years old) who has bipolar 2 and is also grieving the loss of her spouse 2 years ago. I want to be a good friend to her, but she has pushed me away and has avoided me for almost 9 months now. I have tried talking to her, offered my support etc. I too feel hurt. And, I also feel selfish that I am hurt by this distance. She talks with others at times, but has distanced herself from me. One of our mutual friends asked her what was going on with us and she told her that she doesn’t to hurt me during this bad time she in. I have been there for her during her down times before so I do not know why this is happening now. I am starting to get a bad attitude about it and I don’t want to be like that. I really love my friend and I have no idea why she would purposely avoid me and basically go silent on me. I don’t want our friendship to end. Our families have been close as well. I want to be a good friend to her. Please advise.
This makes absolute sense. When I was working an extremely stressful job in a law office, my sleep was off and I was exhausted. My bipolar was off the chain. I had bipolar bad days everyday I was employed there. I knew the stress contributed to my horrible feeling of being overwhelmed. My bad days , came as a direct cause of poor sleep hygiene, stress, exhaustion, being overwhelmed and intimidation.
You are amazing and inspiring. Do you ever write about mania? I’m extremely worried, as Ive been unmedicated for nearly 5 years. After years of meds and just never finding the right treatment, I stopped all medications.
I gave my brain a chance to hit the reset button these last several years, and I’m having horrific manic episodes. There was a brief time in my life where I said, “maybe I am not bipolar”. There is no doubt that I am!
Well, here is my comment or question…why on Earth is it so difficult to get a new doctor? Why have I made over 200 phone calls and not one doctor is accepting new patients? It makes me want to give up all hope, as I just sit and wait for the next manic cycle to begin…
Thanks Natasha…for your words, work, and dedication to the subject of Bipolar Disorder.
Hi Joseph Jr., There are myriad reasons why it’s so hard to get a new PDoc, let alone a competent one. If you’re in the USA, among the reasons are lopsided supply/demand issues, lots of retirements, fewer MDs going into psychiatry – with nearly 50% of PDocs only accepting private paying patients, and the rest being selective about which insurances they’ll take. None of that info helps you though.
My best advice is this: If you’re truly experiencing horrific manic episodes, consider getting some inpatient treatment, even if just for a few days or so. You may end up on medication(s) that helps you, and the discharge plan must always include follow-up appts. scheduled with a PDoc and a therapist. if you don’t have anyone, the hospital/clinic will have someone to assign you to. It may not be the best solution or provider for you, but at least it’s a start, and it beats spending the next six months getting nowhere while your symptoms increase.
in the alternate, if your symptoms are not severe enough or you feel resistant to inpatient treatment, re-call those PDoc offices – ask them WHEN they might be accepting new patients – leave your name & phone contact, and tell them you’ll wait – that worked for me one time, though it took several months before they even called back. Be persistent – keep calling.
Good luck to you and hang in there – we all deal with this kind of care deficit from time to time; it’s frustrating, but don’t give up hope. There are some good providers out there – here’s hoping you land in the welcoming hands of one of them.
it’s funny, i go to alcoholics anonymous (at a nearby college campus; the more liberal groups are quite accepting of bipoles) which pretty much teaches that everything is always your fault. that is, my fault. i don’t agree entirely with this idea, but it helps to look at my own part in things as a first reflex. because the world doesn’t suddenly decide it’s going to make me miserable… that is, usually there’s something going on with me, and once the day starts to snowball, it becomes like a downbound train there’s no getting off. so you’re right, it’s not truly your fault or anyone’s fault if you’re having a bad day, but there may be a way to press the reset button. take a nap. get out in the woods. vacuum. (i’m not kidding about the last item… when in doubt, vacuum. it makes a lot of noise, it’s mindless, and afterwards the house feels better. then take a nap.)
Thanks for the post because I’m having a bad day too. This post helped me feel better Though!