I have told this story before.
Once upon a time I knew a beautiful girl who we’ll call Jane. Jane was curvaceous, feminine, sweet and generous. Jane and I became lovers overnight.
And then life happened and we broke up. My fault, actually. I couldn’t handle having a girlfriend while being in the hospital.
But we remained friends while living our separate lives – very good friends and occasional lovers. It was pleasance punctuated with striking screams.
Then, when I went through electroconvulsive therapy (ECT), I turned to her for help. And help, she did. She stayed with me to help me through the first six treatments of ECT and for this I will be forever grateful. And when she left that day, to return to her life, I said something along the lines of, “Goodbye. I love you. I’ll miss you.” (At least I think I did. The ECT makes it all hazy.)
And she never spoke to me again.
As I have said, I’ve told this story before, to a variety of reactions, but people generally don’t believe me. They say I must have done something. It must have been my fault.
It wasn’t.
I didn’t do anything. I suspect she had just had enough. She just wasn’t strong enough to deal with the reality of my life.
And this broke me. Her cutting me out of her life without a word of explanation severed my heart in two. The ECT hadn’t worked and it had stolen my best friend. What can I tell you other than the fact that life sucks?
Painful Past Events
But, of course, this was all years ago – four-and-a-half years ago, to be exact. A lifetime, or so, ago. If you were to talk to her today, she might just say, “Natasha who?” Because she’s an adult and she went on to fill her life with a myriad of things to which I am not privy. She moved on.
And, naturally, I have too. I don’t sit around and cry at her memory on Thursday nights, or anything. I’m an adult. People will sear your soul. That’s life. It’s like that.
But today, I had to go out and the cherry blossoms are in bloom. We have many cherry trees here, they line many a street, and their beauty is inescapable.
And Jane loved cherry blossoms. She would model for photo shoots in the arms of cherry trees just because she loved them so much. It’s impossible to see a cherry tree in full bloom and not picture her in it.
And the pain at the thought of her is every bit as raw and bleeding as the day I realized I would never see her again.
Depression Prevents You from Moving Past the Pain
What happened to me was a painful event; and, of course, we all experience painful events. And, of course, we all need to move past painful events. If we don’t , we will live in that painful place forever.
But what I’ve found is that depression prevents me from healing; depression prevents me from moving past the pain. In my mind, I say it’s over and done with long ago. I’ve cried all the tears I want to on the matter. But my brain is so depressed that it just seems to drag me down into the rut where that pain lives making it impossible for me to just get over it already.
When you’re Not Depression, the Past Feels like the Past
I notice, explicitly, when I’m not depressed, the memory of her does not feel like a rusted nail gun in my chest. It feels fine. It feels like it was years ago. It feels like past unpleasantness. It feels like the past. It feels like a scar – a wound that has become hard but healed. It’s okay.
But that all magically changes with depression. It’s like the pain comes to life again. My brain just grabs that past pain and hangs onto it. And then uses it to bludgeon me.
Pain is What Depression Knows
Depressed digs a hole of pain in your psyche and throws you into it, and even if you manage to climb out using epic fingernail clawing and gnashing of teeth, the hole is so big and so pervasive it takes nothing to fall back into it again; even the memory of past pain seems to do it. And depression sees this. Depression sees the past pain and uses it to trip you up. It uses it to throw you back into the hole.
And there’s no easy way around this. Not that I can see, anyway. The best thing I can think to do is to acknowledge the pain, acknowledge the fact that it is artificially inflated by depression and then try to ride out the agony the best way I know how. Acknowledgement and understanding doesn’t make the pain or the memories or the hole go away, but it does somehow lessen their strength – at least a little.
And that’s the best I can do for now. Because the problem isn’t the memory, the painful event or the cherry blossoms, the problem is the depression. And there’s no thinking yourself out of that.
Hi there. I guess I’m going to run through my “story.” In the early months of 2012 I was questioned by a school counselor asking if my mom drank a lot. She drank some but not enough to be seen as a problem. Later I was asked if my mom hit me. No she never did! Aside from spankings as a younger child, but I totally understand that Even at my age. Anyway, in march 2013, my sister called the cops on my mom to report a DUI. My mom was taken to jail and her car was taken away. (I knew a short time after the counselors questions that my sister was reporting lies to a counselor at the high school(I was in middle school). My mom was taken to jail twice and was not aloud home afterwards till social workers and cops found out the bruise on my sisters face was from makeup not my moms hand, like my sister had said.
So as I continue. My sister Went to a residential treatment center for depression and was treated for BPD traits. She was in multiple treatment centers adding up to a total of 1 year away from home.
I suffered with depression for 2 years quietly. My family got mad at me and often said I was PMSing. Well the secret got out when my anxiety and depression resulted in me seeking support at school. A friend reported selfharm and next thing I know I’m in a crisis center for 8 days. I hate locked doors and already suffer from derealization so being there was 8 days of hell(April 24th-may 2nd 2014). When I got out, I had to celebrate my birthday. My family expected me to go back to normal. That crisis center made me worse or me or whatever. Point is, I’m worse. Lots of self hate. Isolation, missing school, running away and getting brought home by cops. I’ve had my run with meds but currently am off them, by my choice (side affects suck, not willing to take a so called “happy pill” just to hide it and not fix it) I now see a therapist. Its been nearly 3 years living with depression(date can never be exact but estimate it to be march 2012( started living in past and fearing the future(anxiety). So everything should be good now right??
No, as you all seem to understand. The past remains, the pain remains. Its so painful. And I can’t bring it up, because my family can’t afford meds(psychiatrists apts etc). I have to see my therapist once a month instead of every week starting Jan. I can’t even think that treament might help becaus they can’t afford it. The worst part is.. Depression and anxiety rule my life. I’ve lost friends, my friend in 7th grade refused to look in my eyes, because it’d make her cry. I’ve change schools, to a school that’s suppose to cause less anxiety(you’d think it’d be a good thing, but my mind says where would you be without anxiety?). I’ve hurt people by telling them what I’ve been through, by reacting in anger. I’ve tried to push everyone away. But I’ve also talked to counselor and beg them to not stop talking to me(even when I stop talking to them) I visit my old schools psychologist on a monthly basis at the school, I email her often as well. Why? Because I lost my family’s support so I hold on to whoever gives me the slightest bit. Its hard, its sucks putting so much pressure on that psychologist too. At some points she keeps me alive. Shes helped me so much. But I still live in the past and I fear shell get freaked out or overwhelmed and leave too. Which is why I don’t say the worst parts to her. But I think she still knows what I don’t say.. Cuz of her experience. Shell leave, shell get freaked out and leave. She’s not strong enough to hear what goes through my mind. It sucks when people can’t handle it and leave, but can you blame em? I’d leave my thoughts if I could, wouldn’t you?. Thanks.
I never thought I would push the one person I cared so deeply about out of my life, but I did. Now I feel like I was hit by a Mac truck and torched all at the same time.
Great post! I’m with you. I feel like I can’t be honest because if people knew how I really feel and think, I’d be hated. Some hate me already even with the little they know. Anyhow, I had a similar incident in my life. I had a two-year relationship with a woman. We talked by text nearly every single day, all day. We truly enjoyed each other. I loved her. Then one day, out of the blue, I received a text from her saying she was ending our relationship, and that I shouldn’t try to contact her again. I was literally in shock and felt like I’d been hit by a train. She wouldn’t explain anything. I was so messed up and couldn’t even process what had happened. I texted her over and over and over to no avail. She just completely ignored me. She then moved 800 miles away. To this day, I have no clue why she felt like she had to do this in the way she did it. But with the bipolar, somewhere I flipped a switch. I was suicidal on a daily basis for a long time. I’m honestly not ok even now, a year and a half later. Yes, she and I had issues like in any relationship, but those issues didn’t explain anything. So…I Effin hate being ill, because I can’t figure anything out about people because I don’t know if I’m having delusions or whatever. And it doesn’t help that the other people involved invariably are ill themselves or just weird or whatever. Honestly, I pretty much hate most people all the time. I don’t trust people because it almost always brings about way too much pain for me to deal with.
although not funny, i had to laugh at the statement that you mostly hate people cause i say that sooo often. driving, someone does something stupid, “i hate people”, someone yelling at their kid, “i hate people” and so on. yes, i do hate people for the most part too, but when i love, i love passionately. maybe that is why we are all so hurt when something like that happens. other people w/o mi just move on as if nothing ever happened.
that was a very hurtful thing that she did. i am sorry it happened to you. people can really suck sometimes. we are not all like that though. don’t give up! there will be squirrels in every tree, look for the nuts! they are delicious!
This behavior is true for myself also. When I am depressed my view on past traumatic events changes completely.
A couple of years ago my partner cheated on me. It was the most painful experience I ever hope to have the misfortune of going through. But she showed remorse and she was open with her reasons and after a long time I found a way to somehow forgive her.
Now, when I am ‘normal’, life is good, we got through a challenge and are stronger for it and go on knowing the worst is behind us. Life is good.
Now, when I am depressed, I go over every fact again. I question what else I don’t know about, I wonder if she is seeing someone else – it is a living hell. And I see no escape, I just cannot convince my depressed mind that it’s a delusion, and fantasy world I don’t have to live in.
And they way I work I do this cycle at least once a month, every month, and it will continue for ever :(
Thanks for sharing and your writing just brings the words to life, well done. Even though I haven’t experienced what you described I felt like I could feel your pain. I hope this passes for you soon and you are not plagued with depression and hurtful memories or losses.
Best wishes and keep writing.
This is a great post. I know exactly what you mean about depression making those past pains worse. So you went through ECT? I was looking for someone who actually went through it, just so I could find out if it worked. I am not a fan of ECT and what it does to the brain. However, I would have been pleased to hear that it worked for someone. I would not do ECT. I chose the low-dosage medicinal route.
I’m sorry about your ex-girlfriend. Some people are cut out to deal with our illness, and some people are not. We do require quite a bit of understanding and compassion. I have had people walk out on me the moment I said “bipolar.” I’ve also dealt with some people who “tried” to understand. The world has all kinds of folks in it. I’m glad you were able to move on. Your blog is wonderful. I look forward to reading more from you.
Natasha,
I am wondering about the comment “she just wasn’t strong enough.” It takes an exceptionally understanding person to deal with what we go through on a daily basis. I feel your friend was very understanding, but maybe overwhelmed. I don’t burden anyone with my problems even when I was hospitalized. I pretty much have no one to turn to. I do have a family, but last time I came home from the hospital they expected things to go on as normal. I yelled at my husband and son that I couldn’t clean house and cook supper, and I couldn’t get off the couch. I didn’t lose anyone, but I don’t have the support I need. Is that like being alone and losing someone? I never had the support in the first place, so I don’t know.
Not too long ago, someone I absolutely love significantly disrespected me. I became not only angry, but, also very hurt.
In expressing these 2 emotions to “virtual” friends (who also have Bipolar), one of them commented that we – the mentally ill – are just too sensitive and our psyches too fragile. We take everything as an affront or fall all to pieces.
She noted that we, the mentally ill, must respect those who hurt us because we’ve likely hurt them, over time and therefore, we should accept our treatment and just not be so damn sensitive over every little thing. The thing being; we caused so and so pain and grief, they leaving for their own sense of sanity, is our consequence for causing them so much pain and grief.
So, this loved one showing me such disrespect was my consequence for having likely caused her so much pain and grief, over time. I had no justification for being both angry and hurt.
Only, in reality, I do.
I only reply to this due to the section, in your post: “As I have said, I’ve told this story before, to a variety of reactions, but people generally don’t believe me. They say I must have done something. It must have been my fault.
It wasn’t.
I didn’t do anything. I suspect she had just had enough. She just wasn’t strong enough to deal with the reality of my life…”
I had a friend once, some years back. She knew of my suicidal depressions and one day she explicitly told me to call her should I get in that state again. Her father had committed suicide when she was younger and she, herself, had experienced an attempt or 2. So, she wanted me to call her… and for the first time, in my life, I took a “friend” up on their offer… I’ll not do it again.
Why? Because after I called her one night – sobbing and in pain, as she had told me time and again to do… she absolutely avoided me from that point forward. Rather hard, when we were co-workers and for another 2 years.. had to see each other each day. She did not speak to me any longer and made a point to steer clear of me.
it hurt me greatly… and when I fall into my depressive episodes; a strong searing sense of loneliness does spill forth and yes… memories of that lost friendship as well as 3 others, within my lifetime, comes forth as well. I then re-affirm my want to not burden others with my presence in their lives… and well, the suicidality often then forms.
oh Tabby, that sounds sooo painful! i can’t believe you managed there for two years like that! I believe you!!! i think so often people do not believe us simply because they do no value people with MI people. i am very vocal when people diss me now a days, but i used to just bend over. now i am happy to rip people a new one if they deserve it, but i do it polity to prove that i am smarter then they are. sometimes it just takes too much energy though.
hugz
Also I want to say from my own experience, whenever I was depressed I always felt myself dwelling on the past. Its almost like when you feel down in the present, you starting thinking about all the other things that went wrong in your life, and then suddenly you have the weight of those thoughts pulling you down. And some of these past thoughts were very loud and persistent. Deep down inside I did not want those thoughts, but they seem to come out of nowhere to haunt me, like a curse that wouldn’t let me be.
But then it dawned on me, that these thoughts were being triggered by something in the present, they were popping up because I hadn’t dealt with them properly. Depression can be a teacher, to show you yourself, our deeper subconscious thoughts. So my trick was when a ‘past thought’ or ‘past pain’ came up, instead of saying ‘oh no not this thought again, why am I back in this place’… I sit back and go “hmmmm interesting, why is this thought coming up”. Ask yourself “why am I making the past pain so real in the present”, “I am feeling this pain now because of…….” The mind dwells for a reason, because it needs to figure something out, and it won’t stop until you figure out that reason, then you can let go of that past pain for good. Understand it, accept it and see that was just an experience to learn from, and now you are wiser for it.
“If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”
“the problem is the depression. And there’s no thinking yourself out of that.”
So it’s all doom and gloom, with no way out Natasha? If one could think their way into a situation, one can think their way out of it. It’s just once in you’re in a hole, it’s harder to see your way out of it, it comes down to putting away your self judgements and having a little faith. Believe you can think you’re way out of it. The mind will always say “I can’t” but your heart knows the truth and what you truly can do – so listen to it.
Ya know Pierre, a year ago i would have said you were fulla you know what, but now, i am beginning to think otherwise, for myself anyway in some ways. Mostly because i have an exceptional therapist and lots of motivation to change my life and thinking choices. HOWEVER, i do think there are some things, that no matter what you do or think, we will still have the problems i.e. you cannot think your way out of broken arm, diabetes, cancer, heart disease etc., it requires major life changes, time and often medications.
I know i can wake up some mornings doom and gloom, but if i stop for a moment and tell myself, out loud, “this is starting off to be a beautiful day! I am looking forward to how much wonderfulness i will see!” it can have a profound affect~sometimes~~~
BUT there are mornings i wake up like that and the depression sneaks in anyway, i try to tell myself positive things, but i still end up in bed feeling hopeless and often suicidal. I do agree we can feel better some days, but this is a brain disease and it will not just go away with positive thinking any more then cancer will go away with positive thought, sure it can help ease some discomfort sometimes but it is always going to be there, like it or not.
Agreed, 2 years ago if I read my own words now I would’ve brushed that off as meaningless. But that’s when I was very set in my own way of thinking – I didn’t allow myself to see the simple truth or take responsibly for my own way of thinking.
That is true that we can’t think our way out of physical disability but we can accept our own fate and make peace with it. We can’t control life, life happens to us. Once we let go of the need to control, then we no longer suffer from that need to hold on. The freedom and peace of mind comes from just allowing things to be as they are – and not identifying with every experience and making it personal, it’s all just an experience to learn from and have a deeper understanding of yourself.
I agree positive thinking works, but it’s like pushing away bad thoughts with good thoughts.. so it’s like temporary relief, because that depression will always find it’s way back. – because we not really address the cause, only masking the negative thoughts. You can’t will your way out of depression, you have to embrace it and accept it and learn from it. Look deeper within yourself and try understand why we feel depressed, what is the route cause, and then we are more able to break free from it.
Just like drinking too much can cause disease, so can thinking too much cause disease. But the disease is there to teach you something, it is the result of a hidden cause which we need to figure out – like an unsolved puzzle so we can feel whole again.
You can think your way out of a psychological depression (eventually) but you can’t think your way out of a “chemical” one because there is no rationalising it. A depression after a death of someone close, you can get a handle on that, correctly reasoning it is grief due to a death, that it has a psychological cause. But a chemical depression, there is no reasoning with it because it’s just there without any psychological cause. You just have to wait for it to go away of its own accord, as they do … eventually … if you can cope with the wait.
True, well the more severe the mental illness, the harder it would be to take the steps to think your way out of it – your mind is running on auto pilot and you’re going along for the ride. You need a rational mind to take the first steps, so in those extreme cases, then medication would be needed to help you think clearly enough to start thinking your way out of a depression.
I still think that it’s not the chemical imbalance causing the depression, the chemical imbalance is the result of a pattern of thinking over years which has become a mental illness. If it’s not caused by upbringing or trauma, it could even just be genetic thought our brain is more susceptible to over thinking, anxiety etc
I think you’re almost right. Psychiatrists in the UK have mostly abandoned the old models of endogenous and reactive depressions, and I understand this is because the two become entwined: The endogenous condition alters the mindset to see things negatively, which creates a reactive overlay of psychological depression, and a psychological depression can trigger a chemical reaction to produce an endogenous condition! The result is like a wild rose bush growing inside a blackberry bush – the thorns of both hurt and it is near impossible to disentangle the two. Hence, I suppose, the dual treatment approach of psycho-therapy with medication, where the medication helps reduce the effects of the endogenous causes allowing psychotherapy to deal with the reactive depression.
Boom! Spot on :)
Pierre
No way thinking out of a chemical depression…. Totally different that a depression caused by events etc.
Thank you for sharing your life. It is so odd to me how the past can come back with a vengeance. I had a flashback a few days ago, of something that happened when I was 10 years old. It wasn’t “bad” just a disappointment that is still there…Tomorrow is a new day.
My respects Natasha,for your loss.
Remember,the REM tune,EVERYBODY HURTS?
True.
Worse for us,as we feel so intense// & deeply.
Hope things turn around.
In interim,you’ve cat love…
:-)
Very true.
I’m still depressed over the loss of my wonderful father..
It was 4 years ago,yet my brain feels as if numb.
I never really said goodbye the was I wanted to.
It haunts me.
Just hearing Somewhere Over The Rainbow will bring on a flood.
So,I’ve realized I cannot listen to it.
Maybe one day.
It doesn’t hurt less,it gets different.
The highest compliment I received was your so much like your father!
I hold him deep in my heart,knowing he’d never ever want me to surrender to this disease.
Both my parents were strong,strong ppl.
I ought to honour their memory by getting as well as I can.
:-)
We are all in the same boat.
Eddie.
you say we are all in the same boat.. who is rowing? i am hanging on the side nearly drowning.
Muchael
Thanx for the humor.
Edde
There was not one ounce of humor in my post.
Michael
I am so sorry that I chose to take your comment as humorous. I haven’t had much to smile at lately and your comment made me smile at myself and I needed to be self compassionate in the moment I read it. Thank you so much for the comment, it helped me.
ELLE
No apology needed whatsoever. It makes me happy that I made you smile. I wish all of us many smiles and happy days. I think I had one 3 years ago.
I was wondering Natasha (or anyone who cares to respond) have you found yourself ever abrubtly ended relationships with people, organizations, church, groups? After reading this, I realized that i have done that to others even though i have felt the pain of past trauma.
In answer to your question, Michael, yes I have. It has been like a switch has been thrown and, without much notice and without any seeming reason, I have lost interest in someone (not a close someone) or something almost overnight, something that had been a passion. Suddenly it seems not worth the effort to maintain; and yet at the same time, I generally have a desire to pick up something, or someone, new! I may do so, but I know the same thing will happen again later. So, I have a trail of unfinished business, unfinished projects behind me.
so sorry for your pain natahsa. you are too forgiving, but i guess holding on the anger of being abandoned might be more harmful, or maybe it is the anger that causes the horrid feelings. ?
i was thinking, in 6th grade i was chosen to clean the chalkboard. if we could do that to our brains it would be so great! have a bad memory? erase it! i was also thinking about getting ECT i heard it could erase my memories (and depression of course). guess it doesn’t work!
being abandoned by people we trust is painful. not to have a pity party, but my life has been all about being abandoned (accidental and on purpose) by people who are supposed to be there for you i.e. parents, teachers, ministers, and death, etc. because they have not been, i have built huge walls and don’t let anyone in anymore. i cannot risk my heart to be broken again, it is to fragile. by choice, i have no friends, i am terrified of losing anyone ever again. thank goodness for the internet, if it weren’t for it, i would seldom have a conversation.
abandonment is huge! i think it and violence in the home are what caused my MI in the first place. i think i could write a book about the damage both cause.
The last 3 paragraphs knocked me off my feet. Now I have the answer as to why I still am doing certain things.. Lifted in one respect a massive load off my psyche and in another made me realize I am in a difficult spot. Thank you kindly.
Ha! That inadvertently rubbed salt into a wound – feeling much the same as you describe, feeling much the same about someone why also cared for me at a low moment, who also walked out. It had been difficult living together with my then-undiagnosed Bipolar because my moods left me blowing hot and cold, and that could not have made her feel secure in our relationship; so, she saw me through the worst of it and then moved out, apparently in with someone else. I missed her as soon as she walked out the door, but something held me back from saying so – I guess it was the fog of the illness that left me unsure about how I felt in respect to everything. I had mistakenly thought our troubled relationship might have been the cause of my depression. Of course, it wasn’t. Breaking up with her made no difference to its pervasive darkness, its numbing touch. Years later, once more in a state of depression (which is most of the time, I suppose) I wanted to contact her to apologise for causing her disturbance and to explain. I suppose she read the letter, but she didn’t respond. She has (probably) moved on (she’s certainly married (or was) and apparently with a child) but trouble with a current relationship has me reflecting on what happened with her, making me question if my feelings now are just as confused as they were before or if this really is the right time to *call* time on a relationship. It also has me reflecting on her character, on how much more honest, unselfish and caring she was compared to the current partner. It has me feeling I let a good one go … This is the kind of old scar that the depression rips open and rubs in salt.