Sometimes I’m Just Mad
As I have stated, over and over, that to experience bipolar disorder is to experience such inflated emotions that they swallow you whole. Bipolar emotions are bigger than you and the particularly nasty ones are bigger than any therapy or coping skill could ever be.
However, not every emotion is a bipolar emotion. Just because I feel a strong emotion like anger, sadness or elation, that doesn’t mean it’s a bipolar overreaction I’m feeling. It’s not necessarily depression, mania or hypomania. Sometimes, people with bipolar disorder feel just like everyone else. Sometimes we’re just reasonably mad.
Everyone Experiences Strong Emotions – Even the Non-Bipolars
It is a fact that we all experience emotions and it is a fact that some of these emotions are going to be very strong. We see this all the time in people without bipolar disorder. There are plenty of these “mentally healthy” people who hit things, storm out of rooms, burst into tears and act very emotionally in other ways as well. These people have no excuse for any overreaction they might have. They’re just normal people experiencing strong emotions (and, granted, not handling them very well).
Strong Non-Bipolar Emotions
People with bipolar disorder also experience very strong, challenging emotions – even emotions that are not tied to bipolar disorder. For example, when you make a nice candlelit dinner for your significant other and he or she walks through the door two hours late without calling – you might be justifiably mad and an argument might ensue. For example, when your beloved pet dies – you might be justifiably upset and go into mourning. Or you might be in a situation where you’re justifiably hurt, or outraged, or anxious, or pretty much anything else. But those emotions are necessarily tainted by bipolar disorder.
Blaming All Emotions on Bipolar Disorder
Many of us can tell our genuine emotions apart from the inflated bipolar emotions. It’s hard, but through therapy and coping skills, it can be done. However, those around us have a tendency to assume that all emotional outbursts must be bipolar-related. And because of this, people with bipolar disorder can never be mad, sad, hurt or upset without someone throwing back in their face, “oh, you’re just acting that way because you’re bipolar.” This is dismissive, belittling and endlessly frustrating. People with bipolar disorder aren’t allowed to experience average, if strong, emotions just like everyone else. Every one of us has to act like the Dali Lama or we’re just “acting out.”
This is entirely unfair.
No doubt, the people around us have seen us acting out because of bipolar symptoms, but certainly, not every moment of our lives is like this. Certainly some of our emotions are real, genuine and reasonable for a given situation. Certainly sometimes us, the real us, just needs to express what’s going on inside – just like everyone else.
Just Let Me Be Mad, Damnit
So to those around people with bipolar disorder, please know that sometimes we act emotionally in the same ways you do, for the same reasons and we need to be given space to do this. We need you to be able to look at us as humans first and people with bipolar disorder second. And we need you to understand that our reactions are sometimes strong and reasonable.
Sometimes you need to let go of the fact that I have bipolar disorder and just let me be mad, damnit.
Thank you very much for this. I was diagnosed when I was 12 after I self-harmed but was suicidal since I was 7. My parents were not understanding at all. My father had anger management issues and my mother also had mental health issues that needed medication (which she refused). This resulted in a lot of their problems being directed towards me. My mother in particular would sabotage my cognitive behavior therapy and if she didn’t like what the psychiatrist said, generally when they pointed out she needed to work on some things with how she treated me, *poof* never saw that doctor again. My mother committed suicide when I was 18. My father continued his usual behavior. Throughout the years, any time I was anything other than neutral, I “need to take my meds” or it was blamed on bipolar disorder. When I tried to discuss with him why I was so angry at him for his abusive behavior through the years, he told me “I can sleep at night so I have nothing to apologize for.” I’m fairly certain the psychiatrist he goes to see with his wife (who is schizophrenic) has validated his behavior in deflecting personal responsibility and it’s so utterly frustrating. It’s also so frustrating that he seems so understanding of his wife’s disorder and my step-siblings’ ADD but can’t be bothered to understand mine. I’m thirty years old, not once has he tried. Not once did he ever try to go to therapy with me. Utimately I had to go noncontact for the sake of my mental health. I appreciate articles like this. I appreciate knowing that I’m not the only one whose feelings are being invalidated.
Definitely! I think a big part of learning about bipolar illness is differentiating between a bipolar episode and an emotion brought on as part of normal human experience. A lot of newly diagnosed people (and definitely anxious parents of newly diagnosed young people!) struggle with this…
Prisca……no one can trust a cheater. I think i appreciate my life more because I walked away from a cheater & liar & abuser. I went back over & over. I met the woman & her son who was gonna marry my ex. I didn’t know what to do but your instincts guide you. I have good marriage now w/ loving husband & 2 girls. My ex gave me genital warts. I also got cervical cancer due to the warts. Luckily it was caught early. It’s not worth the pain of fixing a man’s problems. I’m sure he is milking the depression to get sympathy.
Totally agree about the cheating (if he is doing so, many llose sex drive with depression, I don’t but most do). As to the faking the depression. Maybe or maybe not. A cheating shit can still be depressed. Still no reason to hang with him. Also, if I had a good woman I would definitely hand with her and try to help her with her problems what ever they are. Cheating, no way. I’ve wanted a good woman my whole life and have never and prob. never will find one. To cheat on one for a couple minutes of fun is the choice of an ass. WN
Hi, my husband was diagnosed 8 years ago before meeting me. His past relationships were wreck havoc and ended up hurting his ex wife and girlfriend. We then met later and it was love at first sight and we were very good, and then things started to get complicated, like all girls i used to be capricious and giving him some hard time to just be naughty but tjings started to be weird for me as he reacted differently, withdrew at times and irritated. We got married a few months later and fell pregnant 5 months later. My pregnancy was tough but it was hard for him as he deals with stress not so well. After the birth of our son things got more complicated as baby cries me having baby blues have been stressful, later he told me he was bipolar but didn’t believe that so the rollercoasters started, we went to see a psychiatrist was given meds but ended up cheating on me with my friend/colleague. Very humiliating for me as she was acting as a victim and i was ridiculise. He changed a bit and then went back to normal self, he didn’t understand my withdrawal me being distant didn’t earn my trust and within the same year he had a secret lover but asked her to not let him come too close to her. I was annihilated and what he said was maybe it was a blessing in disguise for us to stop being together. I left the house but asked me to come back cos he was sorry etc.
Ehen asked him the motifs he said that it was because he was lonely and miserable and that he can’t find comfort in me etc.
I stumbled upon pictures of girls on Facebook that he has been checking out or chatting to amd deleted them after for.me not to see. All these shattered who i was and made me lose myself. I couldn’t trust him and instead of understanding he became distant angry and despondent. Blaming me for what he did, i l’m thebtrigger of his depression he says I’m not being appreciated for what i am doing. Ive always been supportive towards him, loving him unconditionally stayed by his side even if he takes me for granted.
I am 6 1/2 months pregnant and its a very stressful one cos a few days ago he told me he is done with me being his wife and that he has given up on the mariage. It’s bringing him too much turmoil and that he lacks of feelings for me. I’m dumbfounded cos i didn’t see this coming as in easter we had such a good time and where he was so loving carung and close to me.
The next morning he was depressed and it has been going for the week and to date. He has been distant with meand so have i also because I’m so drained with the mood swings. He is on/off medicine as he says that he doesn’t need any, he manages fine which isn’t true.
We are supposed to see a counsellor next week but dont have much hope. I am tired and emotionally exhausted.
He doesn’t accept his illness always finding reasons to his bipolar. One day he is and the next no…
I am sad for my children.
I don’t know what to do, people don’t understand what it is so makes it difficult to open up. I look after so many tthings at home and make sure the kids are ok.
Insights most welcome.
Thank you
Dump him. He may be BP but if all you have said is true and you have been good to him he is also an ahole. Having BP is no excuse to cheat on someone repeatedly. That isn’t BP that is using someone. Get rid of him and never look back. I have had BP for many years and have never cheated ever on a girlfriend. Find someone who gives a shit. WN
My husband was diagnosed. Eight months ago, probably all his life. He’s been less than compliant with. Everything! He blames especially past bad choices on others and says he only did things because everyone else did them, having an affair because the other guys had girls, they were single. I,m supposed to stop living in the past but the past lies keep revealing themselves because he can’t keep them straight. I want honesty, he doesn’t. He says it,s too painful. The. Fact that he keeps secrets and lies hurts. me and he won’t understand that he should earn my trust. Or at least make an attempt not keep making promises he doesn’t keep.I want to trust him it’s not easy when he leaves, maxes out credit cards, cleans out the bank, buys guns and phones a and neglects everything but his WA NTS. His words about His Wants. He doesn’t want Dr. Phil(d) and says he doesn’t need it. He puts everything off, forgets everything except what he wants. I’ve had to hide money to pay bills and took to carrying 3 to 4 knives because he doesn’t feel safe. I tell him this worries me and he justifies these actions. I have brain injury and PTSD from an assault by I never did these things. He’s 6ft 4 with anger issues and is large and scary looking to many people. I can’t seem to get him to know carrying weapons or acting out isn’t in his favor. Everything is running out of time and he let medical insurance lapse. He acts like he is exempt because he has Bi-Polar disorder. My Mother is in her 80s with 3 mortgages because my Dad acted the same way as my husband is doing now. No doc of any kind or therapy of any kind, just more forgotten or put off. He talks of future -How with no past or present? I wait with my own scrambled brain, stress and fears; patiently and impatiently alternately ignored,negated or baited and wake up to Groundhog day everyday.Where is the future in that? I have no one to turn to, no where to go or money to go with, I feel trapped in what feels like a Loveless marriage because I can’t see how this is Loving.
Hi Terr,
A questions I’d be asking myself are, “why do I stay?” and “what a I getting out of this relationship?
The book “Why does He Do That” might be of help to you.
I used to be a DV therapist, and all you have told us here in your letter, I’d say the possibility of your life being in danger is high and I strongly recommend you get out and save yourself. Seek out a DV group, tell them what you just said in this letter. If they can’t or don’t help you find resources, go out and look somewhere else till you get out and don’t stop till you do. My hope is that they’d direct you to a safe place to start life over again.
It is NOT easy, it takes years to get on your feet enough to feel you can stand alone. Please ask for help and take steps to save yourself.
Most cities have programs. There are many in the my state; “Pathways”, “Courage 360”, the YWCA’s, and more. I hope you can get out of there (don’t look back) and take advantage of them for your physical and mental safety.
I too had to leave a dangerous situation a couple of times. Each time, it took many years to get the courage to leave, but I did and now I am starting to climb out of the deep and endless and what often feels like a bottomless pit.
I am not a psychologist, but he does not sound like someone with BP alone. From your description, he sounds like a sociopath. There is another book called “The Sociopath Next Door”. It is short, but to the point.
Best of luck in this very scary place you are in.
My mom had something called borderline personality disorder which is kind of like an overemotional personality thing which is not as severe as bipolar II disorder (it is emotions and not moods, the activity and energy level doesn’t change ) but a lot worse than that because it is her personality but she used to think I was off meds if I had a headache or something because I didn’t feel good. I am glad I didn’t end up with that problem. I am kind of grateful for bipolar disorder when I encounter and understand other people’s issues sometimes. She was a rough one to deal with because her outbursts were at least 2-3 times an hour and it was toxic. I never took her personal early on and learned a “robotic” approach because she seemed to use any emotion someone else had to make it about her and fly off the handle but my brother was drawn into it and he turned out just like she did and I have no contact with him at all.
Don’t know if BPD isn’t as bad as BP. I have all the symptoms of what BP is supposed to be and have a good female friend who has all the syptoms of I believe to be BPD and think maybe BP is worse for who has it and BPD is worse for others who care about someone with it. It all of course depends on the severity of the particular disorder and how it is labeled to begin with.
Heal thy self or what it is they say. My mother also may have a touch of BPD. A terrible problem. Doesn’t seem most with BPD know they have it really but others know something is wrong. My brother has problems but punishes others more then himself. I more punish myself and not so much others. I would but stay away so I don’t rub my depression onto them. WN
“Male and no idea of emotional responses”? I am also male and have emotions. If you don’t I suspect you aren’t human. As well schizo-affective disorder as defined as far as I know does not always or ever have a “bipolar phase” not does any other mental illness as far as I know. Bi-polar by definition means two poles. One or the other would be a phase. Name reminds me of Knobbels park here in eastern PA. Wonder if Knabel is a derivation or typical variation of US immigrants. WN
As I have never been shy about sharing my diagnosis and keeping my nearest and dearest abreast of any changes that they may notice do to a swing, I get so frustrated when real, legitimate emotions are dismissed as a symptom of my illness, rather than a reasonable response to events. It may sound silly to many people, but my dear old cat died in April. 14 years of helping her through various health problems that maybe some owners would not have spent so much time, energy and money keeping her as healthy and happy as possible. Now almost 2 months later, my friends feel that the odd crying jag over finding her favourite toy under the couch, or seeing her favourite treat on the shelf that I almost instinctively put in my cart until I remember she`s gone. I still haven`t washed her favourite blanket because I can still faintly smell her on it. I don`t cry everyday, I cry when I see chicken temptations on the shelf and throw them into my cart, and then realize there is no one to eat them. I`m allowed a few tears over her passing, even if it was almost 2 months ago. I had the same reaction to my 18 year old cat that died in 1999. I hadn`t been diagnosed with bi polar yet, but had previously been prescribed anti depressants for 3 months on the absolutely unexpected death of my grandfather. Long before I was exhibiting any signs of bi polar disorder, the loss of loved ones made me very sad. Since I`ve been diagnosed, I find it hard to cry when I want to about my cat, because so often I hear that she was `just a cat`ot that ìt`s been a few weeks`.The diagnosis of bipolar has made even my most inner circle question is 6 weeks to long to grieve a 14 year old cat? If I didn`t have bipolar, and if I asked my friends if I was grieving for too long, I`m almost positive that they would tell me there is no time limit on grief. The bipolar throws every emotion I feel under a microscope. I hate grieving at my own pace while those I`ve trusted with my deepest darkest secrets are walking on eggshells to avoid a slip further into depression. Grief is not the same as depression. If I haven`t found a pet in a year or so, worry.
My cat has been my only buddy for going on ten years. I totally understand how you feel about your cat. As I’ve stated before I’m a big guy (6’4′ 290) and am prohibited mostly from showing my emotion as it doesn’t fit for most. My cats a female and I tell some shes my girlfriend as my condition doesn’t permit me to have a human one. By the way these fireworks have been scaring the hell out of her.
People look past you once they label you. It’s like any other pre- judgement as the term says. You have already been judged. A box has been created and you fit there. No need to look elsewhere. If it’s not in the box it doesn’t exist. Lets people deal with you without seeing you. This is why I believe people group the two emotions and ideas together. They are to lazy to learn about you but expect you to learn about them. WN
Greetings!
I just wanted to share my recent, yet on going experience. Ive been struggling with this exact topic alot over the past year.ive posted to your blog a few times in past, always so helpful. About year and half ago my physciatrist andi found a combo of meds finally that seemed great for me. I was working ect, feeling better. Then i felll last april and it turned out pretty bad. I lost my dream job working wih animals, extreme pain everyday. I started going here amd there to find a “cure”. I was so angry, sad, frustrated in the beginning. I hated how i felt mentally besides physically. The meds had been working!
Talked to my pysciatrist. He told me what ii felt was normal. Did not warrent a med change. Every month we would go through that. Even when 1st major surgery approached. I did agree then, but still felt helplless. I trusted this dr and miss working my treatment with him. So i tried to put a better spin on my thinking and outlook. I went into that surgery feeling mentally better then in a long time. Positive! Hopeful! The big ups and downs seemed to stop due to my change of thinking. I got through it ok!
But then i physically got worse and even worse again. I was on heavy meds im sure werent mixing well. Ive spemt the better part of the year alone. Except the times i could drive and get out to drs and stores. My boyfriend would come home at night. I put alot on him unfortunatly. But after all this time my moods became severe. I started cutting, which i hadnt before. Awful thoughts in my head, besides my manic and depressive self. When i was able to think i realized, this isnt the mormal emotions anymore. It hit its worse a month before my next very major back surgery. And again, doubting myself,i thought, no all normal. Even through the fits of crying and guilt i laid on my BF any time he left except for work. So my problem now lies. Im done surgery thank God i can walk! But still my moods are rapid cycling. Ill be up to 5am making a to do list for next day, which i can never understand that next day. Im weening off the pain meds starting today. I pray that makes a difference.
I have a new physciatrist, that last time i saw him before surgery tried so hard to explain the difference, and to help me figure out if im right. Went from normal emotionsto bipolar emotions. He honestly just wanted to know what meeds i wanted. I live in NJ. Its a state place, im outpatient. Its in a horrible city here and i think they are used to people just wanting meds. Its sad. So sad. I want to be an advocate one day, and when ready, try and help there.
I have to wait until cleared medically to leave house. My thereapist there is great thankfully. I believehe will help me figure out what i cant alone. But its scary. I have so much sressfull things besides recovery. So either way if it changed to not normal. Need to read my dbt book, mindfullness, my diary, and open commnication if i dont feel safe. Thank you for listening.
This article nailed it on the head.
Even before I was diagnosed I always felt as though I could never express my emotions. Why? Because of how it always seemed as if my problems were always a thousand times bigger than anyone else’s and they didn’t know how to connect.
I still have family members who still walk on egg shells around me because they can’t tell the difference between my natural emotional reaction vs, a bipolar moment and I am in my 40’s. But it is fair to say that sometimes I can get so ramped up that I don’t know the difference. That’s why knowing you triggers are so important. You might be able to prepare yourself for whatever emotion or depression or mania before getting help is critical.
Too bad legally in the U.S. at least anger for anyone suspected or diagnosed as Bi-polar is for all but the most secure considered for the most part a crime and/or treated as such. If you express anger even slightly to a police officer or E.R. Dr. who for any reason wishes you to be committed you are. End of story. You are now under the control of the state. Now your just anger is considered a symptom of mental illness and justification to be drugged to the point of any ability to defend yourself. The minute you regain the ability unless you “co-operate” the process will continue. How many of you have been told in a hospital to just relax and take the medication and you can stop as soon as you can get get out. By the staff themselves knowing the abusive behavior of the Dr. in control? How many Drs. will stand up for the patient even with physical evidence against even suspect police officer who have a history of abusing the mentally ill. Virtually none. They too are afraid. Abusive people tend to be able to be angry when ever they choose. As this Sylvia Gratz M.D.(D.O.) doe’s. Those of us with Bi-polar must choose our words carefully. Seems should be the reverse? Anyone else want to be treated fairly?
Thanks Natasha ! Sad to say that such a conversation has to be voiced every once in awhile. I’ve read some of the replies and I can see that it is all for the good. I’ve been on meds for being Bipolar now for over twenty years and I still have people asking me if I’ve taken them because I’m mad or at least upset about something. Sometimes I feel as if I have to walk around with a silly grin on my face just to reassure the rest of the world that I’m fine. Anybody else can get upset about the littlest things because they’re normal, but if I get frustrated or angry at the very same thing, I get: ” Did you take your meds today ? ” Which only frustrates me even further, until an argument does spiral out of control and I can’t tell whether my ‘ Bipolar, ‘ emotions are taking over or not !
And I appreciate all of those of you who have read this message and have come away with a better understanding of how those of us suffering a Bipolar disorder can have emotions, both good and bad, without needing a psych ward to back us up !
This is a great article! It’s something most of us feel, I think, but seldom talk about. For me (and Bradley and Denise) it’s more the internalized assumption that all emotions are bipolar emotions that causes me problems.
That is really sad because we are invalidating our own humanity. This has led me to self-imposed isolation – I really only deal emotionally with my husband, children (well….there are some issues there) – and people with bipolar disorder who I can share everything with.
I wrote something I post on my page from time to time on this subject:
Sometimes I forget that joy is not necessarily mania and sadness is not the same as depression. In other words, sometimes I forget that I am a human being.
;) good points.
Hallelujah!!
Amen sister. How many times have I had it thrown in my face or have had ugly things said to me when they lash out at me.
I do find it particularly difficult in a marriage when there are problems that need to be worked out , normal everyday relationship problems, yet it’s blamed on bipolar. Tough.
Great article!
Good article. Nothing to say this time.
This is definitely a field rife for Psychiatrist’s abuse against patient’s in the hospital setting as it was done to me. Will repeat a patient who is wrongfully committed to such a hospital on the works only of an angry family member who attempt’s strongly and verbally only to secure his illegal detention is rightfully angry. I f fact if he (me) wasn’t I think then there would be a problem. Asserting ones right to attorney, access to a law library, a computer and pen and stationary to build ones case is what a rational intelligent person would do. Not so with Dr. Sylvia Gratz at Fairmount Hospital in Philadelhia, PA. Her solution to me demanding my rights was a large dose of an anti-psychotic that she knew (in large 2 inch. high letters on spine of patient chart) forced I.M. to ceases me from making my legal demands and my right to be released in general due to no due process. I wasn’t allowed to be angry for unjustly being held for 15 days in a psychiatric hospital against my will. I was punished with the chemical straightjacket and all was over. My defense anger all gone. An abusive Dr. against a good patient.
What a great article Nataha . . . as always! I love the responses too! Recognizing when they may have belittled their friend/partner and trying to be better. LOVE THAT!
I was not diagnosed with any MI till recently so no one has ever said that to me, but what I hear in your writing today is much how I felt when younger and married. If my husband was angry , throwing a fit, or in a bad mood, it was OK, but if I was having a bad day, throwing a fit over his drinking too much, he’d say, “you must be on your period!” It is very dismissive! it was his way to shut me up and it worked.
Thank you for your blog, i truly appreciate it!
Great article. I struggle the most with sadness. As soon as I start feeling sad I go into “OMG OMG I’m getting depressed” It’s hard to remember that sadness, anger, excitement, etc, are all perfectly valid emotions.
Ya, who knew! We have emotions too! It is easy to go into a panic mode when we actually feel our “appropriate” emotions. I don’t know about you, but I really never know, am I overreacting or is this like other “normal” people? And really, does it matter if it is a part of the bipolar or not!? It is what we feel, so what! If it is over the top for someone, too effing bad (imo)! They are MY feelings! I have a right to them! They are not right or wrong, they are feelings!
Thanks for the reminder! I’ve also been guilty of this. It’s easy to do when in a relationship with someone with bipolar disorder. We try to disregard unfair hostility that sometimes arises by attributing it to the disease. Then it becomes a habit to disregard their emotions. It’s not intentional, but I imagine it feels demeaning and dismissive. Again, thanks for the insight.
A simple but really great article Natasha. I’ve read it twice and sat here thinking about it for several minutes. My wife is diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and the bipolar side of her illness can be very active.
I often think when she’s angry or upset “thats her illness” and now after reading your article I realise that sometimes it might be, but most of the times its because I have been a bastard in some way. Spoken to her wrong, gotten angry, spent money on something I shouldn’t etc etc
I think this is a trap that many people could fall into. Thank you for making me aware of this flaw in my thinking and I guess now the trick is to just take that second to think “is this reaction acceptable for what has happened?” and I’m guessing that the answer will be yes far more than its no.
Maybe a step further is to take that side of my thinking away all together and assume her reactions and behaviors are completely appropriate unless obviously “over the top”. But who am I to judge what is “over the top”? After all I am male and as a result have no idea when it comes to emotional responses.
I guess just being aware that sometimes I judge this quickly is powerful in itself.
A sincere thanks for opening my eyes on this
Ian