Employment in bipolar disorder is a big topic and trying to work with bipolar disorder is no easy thing. If you have a job that requires the use of your brain, you’re going to have trouble if you have a brain illness like bipolar disorder. This is just logical. But what is this “trouble” like? What how does it really feel to work when you have bipolar disorder?
My Employment with Bipolar Disorder
As you probably know I work as a writer, a speaker, a consultant, and, well, as a few other things too. Work life is odd when you work for yourself, what can I tell you?
But what it really comes down to is this: I need to use my brain in complicated ways on a daily basis to get paid for stuff. No speeches get composed without my brain. No articles get written without my brain. No editing gets done without my brain. I need my bipolar brain and I need it a lot.
Working with a Sick, Bipolar Brain
The problem is, of course, that my brain is sick with bipolar disorder. This means that using it for anything — from washing to the dishes to writing a book — is difficult.
Imagine needing your compromised body part in order to work every day. Imagine if your job were to deliver packages but you only had one arm. Imagine if you were a mail carrier but you only had one leg to take you from house to house. This is what trying to use my brain for complex functions is like. And it only gets more complicated from there.
Motivation to Work with Bipolar Disorder
You see, not only am I depending on my bipolar brain to create amazing and creative works but I’m also expecting it to actually want to do the
This means that even if I could, theoretically, create something, there’s a good chance that my brain just will refuse to do it. I can have my coffee, and my office chair, and my desk, and my lighting all happily set up for work but if I don’t have the motivation to do anything, then nothing gets done.
Trying to Work with Bipolar Disorder When You’re Too Sick
And then there’s always the possibility that I’ll just be plain
How Working with Bipolar Feels
And those are the three complicating factors for work with bipolar disorder. If I manage to be well enough to work and I find motivation then my brain has to create. That’s a lot to line up on any given day just to produce something for a payday.
So what work with bipolar disorder feels like for me is a battle — an endless battle with my brain. It feels like I require self-flagellation constantly as a stand-in for the motivation I’m supposed to have but don’t. The pain of smashing my brain against a brick wall is what is required for me to produce things. It’s horrendous. It’s agonizing. It is no surprise to me that so many people with bipolar disorder are fired from or quit jobs. (Luckily, my in-house bosses, my cats, can’t fire me.)
I can’t overstate how much much of a war it is for me. And I can’t overestimate how exhausting it is for me and how entirely unpleasant it is.
People ask me how I can possibly produce what I do while still being sick with bipolar disorder. The answer? I have little insight into this. What I do is I threaten ever cell of my existence, every single day to do what I tell it to and I hope it listens. This doesn’t always work, of course. It only works for a few hours, sometimes only a few minutes and sometimes no minutes a day. That’s the lackluster insight I can share.
People insist on telling me that I’m fulfilled by my work but I’m pretty sure I’m the judge of that. And as that judge, all I know is that I’m exhausted by it. All I know is that I wish there were any other way. All I know is that I wish I woke up and actually wanted to work. But bipolar makes that mostly impossible for me.
Work with bipolar disorder is just brutal. It’s so much harder than for the normal person and it’s so much harder than people think. That said, it’s possible for me. I know that. I hope you can do it too but I hope you have
Banner image by Flickr user Sybren Stüvel.
Your article made me tear up. This is the first time I’ve been to your site. I’ve been dealing with bipolar since my early twenties, so half my life. I told my boss I was out for a bipolar day and it turned into a huge mess. She told me to lie to her, because she didn’t want to know, and I’ve been lying ever since. I’ve lived with my mom for most of my adult life because she keeps me safe, even from myself. I changed jobs regularly, moved often, maxed out credit cards in a weekend buying random crap. And in 2011 I got cancer. For the last 10 years I’ve been on disability for the cancer. I still deal with the side effects of treatment, though surprisingly, my bipolar was better with fewer major suicidal days because I was home and could control my environment. I kept it calm, surrounded myself with positivity, took naps when I needed and we did a lot of random drives when I woke up depressed. A few months ago they cut me off and I had to go back to work or lose my ability to pay for my psych meds. I made it several months, but the increased stress made it harder and harder to focus till I was making mistakes that effect people’s financial situations and messed up my boss’s bank account twice in one week. I quit right before I was hospitalized for suicidal ideation. My options for work are limited between the cancer and bipolar, so the nurses told me to reapply for disability under the mental illness, but I feel guilty. I’m smart and could work from home if I had a voice, but cancer surgery made it hard to hear me on the phone. I’m stronger than I was, but breathing issues make it hard to do anything fast. People look at me and they can’t see what’s wrong. They get uncomfortable if they find out. My poor mother is trying to support us both on her social security check and I should be helping out, but if I get a job before disability approves me, they’ll think I don’t need help and I’ve gone cold turkey on my meds. It was UGLY. I have felt useless and alone. Saying it’s all in my head is both true and a ridiculous statement to make, because I don’t have the option to just stop being bipolar. I can’t tell you how much I needed to hear some of the stories on your site and to know that it isn’t just weakness. I’m not making it up because I’m lazy or selfish or seeking attention (which I avoid at all costs because crowds make me anxious anyway.) That my symptoms are normal…as normal as I get. It doesn’t make any of my problems go away, but I’ve learned a lot already so perhaps I can explain what’s going on to the people who tell me to buck up, it’s all in my head.
Hello Chelsea, I believe this may be my long lost dear friend. If this is I would love to reconnect. This is Jen in CA.
Natasha, you have perfectly summed up my experience. I have struggled to find and keep employment throughout my entire working life. To add insult to this injury, I now realize that I have developed cognitive difficulties that have contributed to this. I’ve suspected that these difficulties arose after several manic episodes and hospitalizations. They have for the most part gone unrecognized, affecting my work habits and motivation. My inability to pay attention, remember and follow simple instructions, listen and prioritze tasks have plagued me for years. It is just recently that I’ve found information online that confirms this is indeed a “thing” (Google “Executive Functioning”). It’s subtle, but it is there. My beacon of light is that now I can get help and learn how to manage what I’ve suspected all along. Your article reminds me that I am not alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Yes and yes! OMG it is so hard to hold down a job or build a career. I average about 2.5 years and I quit jobs. I just can’t take it and I blow out and need time out. This is so absolutely crushing because I’m an intelligent capable person with goals and I just cant seem to sustain, and I end up feeling like an idiot.
The other thing is I can’t settle on a single idea. It is like herding cats when it comes to choosing a career path and staying on course. The other thing is, using the mania charm, I easily get jobs and varying industries and so I have more choice! LOL!! Argh!
I actually factor into my life a savings plan that catches me when I fall, and when I need to take months off, I am able to without ruining myself. But this takes every ounce of my self will to keep this nest egg. OMG. And of course this impacts everything else, there is not enough $ to buy my own place, I have had to come to terms with that.
I am currently finishing up on my latest break (4 months off) and am about to head back into the fray. I was only diagnosed just under a year ago, and part of that has been seeing very clearly how BP has dominated my life. With this info I have set a game plan for my next role with triggers, and indicators noted down and rules for me to follow, so I don’t decide to disappear in the middle of the night with no warning to anyone.
Good luck BP kids.
Morning, Natasha. A counselor recently praised me for leaving my life as a veterinarian behind b/c i recognized that i was no longer safe to care for my patients b/c of my BP. She told me that she has known other folks who could/wouldn’t see that they were endangering clients/patients. Thanks, but i do not feel good about any of it, i’d rather be working. Good luck to you and everyone else who is still making shit happen. Doc
Hi Doc,
I hear what you’re saying. What we have to do because it’s the right thing isn’t necessarily fun nor something we want to do. You did the right thing. I know that’s cold solace. You don’t have to appreciate what you did right now, but the rest of us can and maybe you will with time.
– Natasha Tracy
Good article, Natasha. This really hits home with me. I’ve saved up a little money for a house cleaning service to come and clean my apartment, but truth be known, I could do it myself. I guess I lack that motivation that you mentioned about. Thanks for the article.
My psychologist and I have been discussing my job and whether I like it or not. I could just be bored . I feel you as I’m not motivated to get out of bed. Bipolar disorder makes me feel like a disaster