I am rarely honest with anyone about my bipolar disorder. I admit it. I think, on some level, my friends know it. Lack of honesty with bipolar disorder is just better. At least, it’s better if you want to keep your friends.
See, my reality of bipolar disorder is extreme. It’s severe. It’s brutal. It’s constantly life-threatening. And people can’t handle that. Going on about how painful bipolar is, is just a good way to wear someone out. It’s just a good way to make someone tired of you. It’s just a good way to make them walk away.
I have learned this lesson the extremely hard and painful way. I have watched people walk. Over and over. The people with whom I have been honest, in the end, couldn’t handle it. It was too hard to watch me being sick with bipolar so much of the time. Which, in a way, is a testament to how much they cared. Sort of. I would just have preferred they not express it in that way.
Be Honest about Your Bipolar – You Can Call me Any Time
People have said this to me many times. And they mean it. At the time. They just don’t know what they saying. They don’t know what they’re asking for. They don’t know what it’s like to get a desperate call from a suicidal person wailing in the phone. When in life do you get those kind of calls? Only if you know someone with bipolar disorder (or a similar illness).
I’m Sorry, It’s Just Too Much for Me
Statement one, plus honesty about bipolar, inevitably ends up with statement two. I wish that weren’t true. But I keep seeing it over and over again. And living that reality. Trusting someone with your heart. Trusting someone with your innermost pain and then watching them abandon you – it’s soul-wrenching.
All This Lying about Bipolar is So Lonely
I really hate lying – about bipolar or anything else. It’s not my thing. I grew up in a family of lies so I’ve kind of developed an untruth allergy. At least with bipolar disorder it’s mostly lies through omission. That’s easier to bare. Slightly.
I know not all people are in this position. I know that there are people out there who have honest relationships with others. I know there are people who really are honest about their bipolar disorder, depression, self-harm, suicidal urges, psychosis and the other nasty bits of mental illness. I know this. These people are very fortunate. These people have met others who are strong enough to bear the life-rending implications of mental illness. If this is you, you are very lucky.
But for the rest of us, it’s very lonely. I think my best advice is:
- Get a therapist – you can generally be honest with them and they can bear it
- Spread out the honesty – when you do talk to people in your life, don’t just express all your pain to one person, it’s too much. Try to express just a little, here and there, to different people.
And while I do think honesty is very important, I think keeping friends and other loved ones around you is probably more important. You’ll need them, in the ways that they can be there, even if it’s not in the way you most want.
I don’t have much to say due to the fact I am in severe Bipolar depression. I was desperately searching for someone that understands how I feel and, why I feel like I am literally in a living hell…Meds, meds and more meds..may as well have taken a baby aspirin. They haven’t helped much at all. Thank you for your words. You have written exactly what I feel. sigh..
I’m one of the ”lucky” folks, I guess, because I am totally open and honest with everyone about my struggle with and recovery from Bipolar Disorder. Of course, I will never ever be able to get a fulltime job ever again, or life insurance or many other things othe people have because I’m publicly on the record as having Bipolar and hve spoaken and written about how hard and crazy it is to live with this illness. Everyone does what they need to do to survive. In or out of the Bipolar closet, I don’t judge, I’m just putting it out there that being completely open and honest you meet some of the mot wonderful people around (like my partner) as well as some of the worst poeple you wish you had never encountered.
Natasha, Nastasha, Natasha. my bipolar Doctor google~
I don’t need to express myself- because YOU do it for me. I want to hug the guts out of you, b/c YOU GET IT ! Ad nauseam! I want to scream YES! YES! YES! YES! when I’m reading your truths, descriptions and feelings re: this brain phucking illness! THANK YOU FOR YOUR EVERY SINGLE THOUGHT!
As I’m reading your blogs it’s uncanny at how accurate the things that you say, apply to me so much! Too much. No one could even attempt to ”write” this perfectly about experiencing bipolar, unless they them selves really have it. Or have it like you have it and like I have it. Your writing hits each and every word, and feeling I have ever felt since being diagnosed. I see another subject and think….”oh this one doesn’t apply to me”—then I read it and freak out!
Oh YES it does!
I have read scores of authors on this miserable subject, but you are the most authentic bipolar writer I have EVER read. I HOPE you are still planning to write that book you spoke of, in your own inimitible style of writing and getting smack dab to the bipolar point. I read posts on here with so many holes in their stories that I cannot relate to. I feel lonely when I can’t relate to a fellow sufferer, and/or writer, then I will go and look elsewhere.
But I always come here when Im feeling bad. B/c you always nail it.
NO ONE WRITES LIKE YOU! You are believable b/c you really say the truth about exactly what’s going on with so many different aspects of the way we think, how we feel, and how we live our lives in a better way. You write so well re: all of our uncountable bipolar miseries!
Pot holes and all. You ARE my Dr. Google for having bipolar. …being sick. thinking sick, feeling sick.
If I’m experiencing a new problem—I come here and ALWAYS find out–that you have had it –or have gone thru it yourself! PLEASE write that book!!
What else can I say, but thank you for sharing your nightmares, sorrows, phobias, side effects, exquisite ups and
diabilical downs, broken friendships, heart aches, lost jobs, lost days, all of what you have to share, about this dibilitating illness, I may not say it often enough but –I love you for that. xoxoxoxoxooxoxxoo
I absolutely love this! Your writing style is quite similar to my own which created zero relatibility issues. I’ve been following your work ever since I was diagnosed. I think your no nonsense, brutally honest opinions and quality research suggests genuine passion undoubtedly. You are my Idol!
Another great article. I isolate because telling anyone I have bipolar is like telling them I have Ebola – poof – they vanish. Even my spouse thinks taking the medication has cured me – what a dick. My regular doctor just gives me cursory service because she thinks my feeling tired, ADHD, and aching all over is just my bipolar and my therapist can handle me. Good-bye, pay me $225 for your visit and see you next time. Frustrating – I should never have told her I have bipolar. Thanks for your unvarnished truth way of writing about us.
Well I’m kinda broke, so I don’t get anything but the basics covered by my disability insurance.
I get a doctor, gives me pills, that’s all she wrote.
This is the first time I’ve ever dealt with people who are sort of like I am, it’s always nice to learn that I’m not alone in this thing.
Hey Henry, I found some meetings in my area through searching “bipolar” on meetup.com and also through the Depression & Bipolar Alliance http://www.dbsalliance.org/site/PageServer?pagename=peer_support_group_locator.
They have really helped me in not feeling alone and finally having other people who understand my brain.
I was really nervous about going at first, but it didn’t take long for me to realize that no one was judging me and that we are all (in that way) the same.
I looked up that pro-publica wes site and entered my psych-docs name and it came up 14 times. With different labels & pricings, ie: consults, travel, speaking. Some were in 2009, some 2010 all the way up to 2013. -and get this “meals” was one of the reasons. for payment.. On some occassions he was paid over $16,000- but if a big pharma co does these ‘payouts’ why should it bother us? does this make him a crook? are they using the MI to make themselves more money only?
someone has to be the experi-mental bunny!
Stevie Nicks.
Why should it bother us? Because big pharma knows what the shrink prescribes you. Thats why they have tons of salesman selling their wares. Meals, is basically code for going some place in a beautiful resort . You don’t get those “kickbacks” In kind from pharmaceutical companies unless they want to thank you or want to get you in board.New York Times found evidence that payments from pharmaceutical companies can influence the drugs doctors prescribe. Reporters analyzed prescription data and payments from drug companies to psychiatrists in Minnesota. They found that psychiatrists who received $5,000 or more from the manufacturers of atypical antipsychotic medications issued, on average, three times the number of prescriptions for this class of drugs for use in children than did psychiatrists who received less than $5,000 from the companies. I was one of those people getting neurontin which was pushed for just about anything. I looked up my doctor and he made a ton of Kickback favors. Dropped him immediately. Same with another doctor. I was the one who posted the propublica site initially.. I also happen to live in an area where there are many people who work for big pharma including sales reaps And I have learned lots as to their practices. So , yes you should be concerned. We all should be concerned. One of the reasons that the pharma companies are now laying off sales reps is because of propublica and some new laws They are scared of transparency. Also, think about the ethical issues. I check on a doctor and if he is on their (database always getting updated) I run away from that bum.
http://www.omsj.org/corruption/psychiatrists-accept-kickbacks-to-push-drugs-on-kids…
http://www.psychsearch.net/psychiatrist-gets-kickbacks-from-drug-companies/
http://ethicalnag.org/2010/12/10/novartis-trileptal/
These are just a few links.. Dozens more. Some of us are being prescribed drugs for a “meal” or conference in Hawaii. Neurontin was the mother of all drugs for off label dispensing. Many others like it and not just for BP. I hope I answered your question
very well said michael!
Yeah, you really did. I have to admit I was suprised by these links you’ve posted. I’m also dismayed that my own Dr. is one of the Dr’s on the pharma take. I’ve been going to my dr for 11 years, and I just can’t go down memory lane again w/ another doctor. I have built a rapport with this man, and instead of giving me 15 minutes, many times when his timer goes off, I’ve gotten an hour of my whining in. Who does that today?
No one’s perfect, and yes it pisses me off, but where do I go? I see how hard he tries to help me, in many areas. I don’t think I’ll find this in another Dr. I cannot ‘drop’ him like you did. You never throw out dirty water, until you’e got clean. I don’t have the clean water right now. The Neurontin I take helps me, maybe 70% of the time. I’m grateful for even that. I’m sooo drug sensitive, it sucks.
But. -I am thrilled that they are going to ‘out’ these thieving doctors and blow the whistle on what’s going on here.
Like an few 100 thousand a year, is too little to live on.
In my head, I’m pointing my finger at all of them and saying “ha —ha”.
Thanks for your info~
Stevie,
You have a great relationship with your doctor and 11 years is a long time. You have a great rapport. I would never leave my doctor with that kind of relationship. I was searching for doctors and had no relationships at all , so dropping them was not hard to do. I would just like to think that what they are doing is in my best interests. My best to you.
Michael
Can’t leave a name as Natasha would get mad but a Doctor in my area has the largest psychiatry practice in the entire US and has for years. Not making it up. He is based in Kingston, PA. I was in a hospital once (where he ran the shown, though not officially) and also had an apt. with this guy unknowingly (only Dr. of any kind in my almost fifty years who’s office I walked out of). He immediately upon talking to him began insulting me and turned to his PA and said not to worry I was an iconoclast. What she was to be afraid of was in his mind only, not the PA’s nor mine. Later found out is was an insecurity he had about the mechanical junk that is HD motorcycles. Both he and I are motorcyclist. Though I didn’t know he was at the time and later learned he was the type I think you know of who put his chaps on on the weekends and played outlaw biker with the veterans whom he pandered to with benzo’s and other things. He wasn’t a veteran himself as far as anyone could tell me.
This clown has the maximum number of PA’s permitted by law and plays many other games to gain as many “patients”. He really has customers, not patients. He plays all the angle’s. The legal selling of the actual medications themselves. Which is legal though I don’t know the specifics. He has stakes in hospitals etc. A real businessman playing the part of a Dr. The drug company angle of course is there.
If you want a real laugh look up this guy and have a good laugh. Until you vomit of course. This guy is one sick puppy. WN
Hello Will
Hope all is well. We had a Psych doctor nearby who was real arrogant , charged a bloody fortune. Made you sign guarantees of payment and was basically a dick but supposedly was good. I was even thinking about seeing him for an initial discussion. He was arrested for fondling some of his patients. He will probably move to another state and practice there.
Yes, Michael. Tried to make apt. with a new Psychiatrist couple months ago. Before first apt. guy sent for wanting back account numbers, credit card numbers and everything else. Said they would decide later if they would accept insurance and how much.
I think you know how that worked out. If I didn’t have such a great primary care Dr. I would get no treatment at all. I hope he sticks around. When he retires or moves I’m done. WN
Natasha I’ve read a lot of your articals and read through numerous comments and feel I have Bipolar, but it’s my opinion and just wondering if I need a professional to make that diagnosis. I hear voices sometimes to and their evil and tormenting ones minute, then peaceful and loving the next almost angelic. The crazy think about this is sometimes the voices are of people close to me SOMETIMES. And when it is a familiar voice their really GREAT at making me feel bad, sad, and guilty about things I’ve said too them or about them, and what’s really startling about the experience is the fact that I wasn’t thinking about the situations these voices we’re bring up at that moment or did I ever feel bad about the situation. So the voices we’re bring up actual events from the past and using them against me. Has anyone else ever experienced anything like that? And the angelic voices sound like angels talking and their always say good things about me, but like I said before it’s back and forth. This is either mentally insane or demonic. I just want to point out I have a job and been working there for years, so I’m a functioning person with a some type of mental illness. I just don’t see myself paying a doctor $200 a session to tell me I’m nuts! I just want to know what kind of medications to buy, cause I live in San Diego and I’m close enough to walk into a Mexican pharmacy in Tijauna and buy mess without a perscribtion.
There is no one here that I can think of that could give you medical advice on line, we are not doctors. Maybe there is one or three out there, but it would not be wise to give advice here.
If you have voices in your head, research, read about Dissocitive Identity Disorder (DID) and schizophrenia as well as bipolar to start, but there are all kinds of MI you could be dealing with.
I personally take a drug for the noise in my head. it is an amazing drug but has some bad ass side effects. if you really insist on doing drugs from mexico, I’d do a hellova lot of research before you try to medicate your self. it is dangerous. IF you are in the USA there is medical through the government that you are legally obliged to sign up for. We are low income and all the medical is free.
Best of luck Chris. but please do not start trying out drugs without reading the side effects.
Michael,
There are a number of incorrect statements in your comment. First off lamotrigine was not developed for schizophrenia, it was developed for epilepsy, but like several other anticonvulsants, it showed its usefulness in bipolar disorder as well.
Additionally, there are actually 13 drugs FDA approved for the treatment of bipolar disorder. You can see the list on the bottom of this page: http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/286342-treatment#showall
– Natasha Tracy
I totally get it. I have been persecuted and abandoned, too. It is gut wrenching. Thank you Natasha. PS, you can call on me anytime because I really can handle it. I can get you. G.
Thank you Natasha for your blog. You are an awesome individual for writing these posts with an amazing brilliant mind. I have been receiving your emails for a while now. Your journey helps me with my journey. Although I don’t have bpd it is in my family. You have helped me cope in ways I never could have known. I feel your pain when you blog and wish there was something I could do to help. We listen to you believe me. You have more friends than you know. Your inner icircle knows the pain you endure and copes with your pain too. Insight into your journey whether big or small helps each one of us who come to your site for comfort. It also helps your close friends too. True friends as you know don’t go away. I once had a friend with bp and we were friends for more than 20 years. I was alway there. One day she went away and I never heard from her again. I don’t know where she went and don’t know what happened to her. I am still her friend but don’t know why she chose this way to end our friendship. I wonder what became of her. Don’t know why I mentioned my friend but it just came to my mind when you mentioned friendships. I wish you a very good day if that is possible. I read every email you send. Many thanks.
I agree. I do not tell many people other than my psychiatrist and therapist about the darkness. I have a told a friend couple of times. But I do not anymore. If they knew how I think and what I experience daily in my head, I would be cut off by most people. I tend to make up excuses about why I’m “down” like I’m just stressed from work. Or I cancel plans because I am “tired” or I haven’t been in touch because I have been “busy.” There’s no way I could be completely open and not drain everyone around me. So basically, I lie. I have told only 1 person that I have bipolar 2. I don’t want them to be scared. The rest have been told I have “mood issues” if they even know something is going on with me at all. And truthfully, they tell me to call anytime but like many of you said, it’s not realistic if I plan on keeping friends. I do feel big improvement with the cocktail of meds I take. But it certainly isn’t the end all, be all to the darkness. I can just cope with it better and better maintain relationships. I find it best to not discuss anything about my illness.
I can identify with all of your post about being honest and the problems with friendships. I find I am not direct with people about my bi-polar. I have sometimes hinted that I am ‘one of those people who goes up and down’ and then moved on to change the subject. ‘I have times I can’t go out’ is another phrase I use but I see the blank look and know that there is no understanding there. I have joined a support group and do see members around our local town. I can say such phrases to them and they immediately identify with it. This has been extremely helpful and I find it supportive but other friends? Forget it. They just don’t want to know. Many people are scared of mental illness and they don’t want to be associated with it. So I just avoid the subject with them and pretend to be ok. It doesn’t worry me so much these days now that I have support group members I might bump into in the street. Thank you Natasha for writing about these issues. We have to fight the stigma.
I think it’s good to be honest about your Bi-polar upfront. If your aren’t, others will expect you to be “normal” for the most part. That relationship will go nowhere. Not that being honest will, but I think it at least it puts the cards on the table for all involved. If they are thinking people they will at least know why you can’t answer the phone. Go to the mall, etc. If not it would haven’t gone anywhere anyway.
I do agree going on about the disease will just put people off. The whole deal about going to people for help, talking to friends, family etc. Does little good, at least if done too much. People just don’t want to hear it. People want to enjoy a nice sunny day and not listen to those like us. Remember, May is the biggest suicide month of the year. Going to a bar where people aren’t hearing the same shot all the time maybe better for all involved. Maybe worse depending on who you are conversing with.
You can’t just call someone when you are suicidal or just at the end of your rope with Bi-polar. It’s not like having cancer or another severe illness. It just isn’t. Most people get sad. Most people don’t get mild cancer. It’s the way people are and how they calculate things. At this very moment my best friend (my last two committed suicide, I’ve had very few real friends in my life) is in the hospital in NYC with one of the best transplant surgeons in the world. He has already had four transplants. Two kidneys and two pancreases and has just had another to fix a 19 cm. tear from the last. Rightfully he gets much compassion and understanding from the Dr’s., nurses, staff, his friends (think I maybe his only real one though), his girlfriend and all in the public at large, Does he give me the same breaks when I am in the bowels of hell as I give to him when he is in his. Absolutely not. Some of the reasons I can explain, others I can’t. We are simply held responsible for our illness unlike others. It’s the way it is (see my debate with harry who claims even he himself has our illness, he thinks we are selfish. Who would say that to someone who at the same age as me (48) has had four organ transplants. No one. We have an ongoing bet for about six years of who will die first. No one can pay of course because the one who looses is the one who also must pay. If anyone were to openly even hint at blaming him for being sick, they would be put in the stocks. Always remember, if you can’t pt. to it on an x-ray, MRI etc. it is your own fault. Even really to yourself. To the uneducated who believe mystically it always and forever will be our faults. Even if it can be shown scientifically and without question. Finally, people wish to believe that every other part of their body is vulnerable to disease except there brain. Even those who know better. If it is then who are we? I know you see all this Natasha as at least to me you have proven to me that you are someone who uses reason in these matters. To you I believe I am just singing to the choir.
I must totally disagree that you can be honest with a therapist and/or psychiatrist. Especially in the US. These individuals like all are normally loyal to people based on the law. The law dictates they are loyal first to legal authority and only to the patient secondarily. I have experienced this first hand and with dire consequences. The more one has challenged who is first on the list. The more they will find out who is second. If you are in not in conflict with police, politicians or say have a relative abusing you has money you may be safe. Otherwise, do not feel so. You aren’t.
Great post Natasha, how about the importance of music. Haven’t thought of it in a while but listening to the Rolling Stones on the computer right now and really relaxing me. Don’t mean to sound like another a-hole but try to hang in there and at least unlike me you are doing a great job with your blog and keeping the conversation going.
Your a positive asset. WN
I agree with everything that everyone has said and unfortunately live the isolated, overweight, over,edicated BP life myself. Here is your ray of sunahine……..people will treat you the same way no matter what terrible disease you have! I have had cancer twice and two heart attacks. When I tell people that I am tired or a bit irritable because I am just getting over chemo they treat me the same as if I told them I have BP. Why is yhis a ray of sunshine? Because it shows you that people will treat you badly or run no matter what it is you have. Remember, it’s them…..not you! Some of the worat people that I have known have been considered “normal”.
A EFFING MEN! you are so right on how people treat you no matter what. my husband had cancer and no one showed up to visit. we had flowers sent, but no friends came over. after he passed on, it was even harder, the ”friends” would see me and turn fast so they didn’t have to talk bout ‘it.’ it was too uncomfortable. but what my mind said was, ” they didn’t like me, it was he they liked”. our minds really mess with us! so yes, when people are not talking to us, it is “their” discomfort.
I am not sure if we should keep our diagnosis to ourselves or not; it depends on the situation and how long we have known the person. i never reveal anything personal in the beginning anymore unless it is clear they have issues too and are open. but ya know, i have known some with mi who have used me and walked because of their issues, not mine.
sometimes we have to walk away for our own mental health. i see it as a blessing when some have walked away. ;) i am so glad we have each other here on line. for us agoraphobics it is a life saver!
Excellent blog, as usual Natasha. Much thanks. I have been bipolar my entire life. I have coped by moving each time I cycled. When I started getting depressed and “needy” I would quit my job and move, leaving behind friends and co-workers I would never see again.
I have been in the same place for the last 12 years because I met my husband and he is generally understanding– sad to say he likes me depressed and home over manic and sociable. Another story/time. The urge to run is constant. I don’t have any friends. I work when I can but burn out as I cycle. People say they want me to call them to reach out but nobody can deal with the real me. I have learned to stay to myself no matter what. I honestly don’t think I love anything, not even my cats. I protect my heart with evetything I have left. I suffer from agoraphobia now that I can’t move away, my husband supports me financially and emotionally- he is EagleScout loyal to the runts of the world.
My 40 pound weight gain from meds and disregard (lack of energy) for my appearance makes it even harder to have eyes on me. I wish everyday for a fatal heart attack. Not one person who says to me “call me” or “I’ll listen” etc can handle it.
And the brilliant part of having a therapist who you can generally be honest with— I have never met a professional who can actually handle the truth. I believe this is because,like friends, there is nothing they can really do! It’s a crapshoot of drug combos and alphabet therapies — CBT DBT etc… I’ve done it all even ECT, meditation, exercise and on and on. It all boils down to the truth that Bipolar has prevented me from ever having a friend, feeling true love, enjoying a minute of work, enjoying a minute of relaxation. I’m always waiting for the shoe to drop. Always waiting to be “too much” so I am left. Thrown away. Always wanting to run before being left again. My heart would break everyday if it weren’t so closed up and over medicated.
Also difficult finding good therapists in Kingston, Ontario.
I feel like the system is totally against me due to my intelligence level,plus,I used to work in a hospital…..
Plus know a lot medically as my goal …was to be a Dr…
They do not like patients such as myself here.
Not just BP,lots of medical issues ( see a good GP so ok)
As I question everything,challenge them & am outspoken.
Refuse to just sit there like a blob w no opinions or rights!
The system,here,anyway SUX, this is why patients fall through the cracks!
They still DONT GET IT.
Unless you get someone you connect w & trust….OMG ….it’s critical ( at least for my stability)
Fighting for the medical help,( immobile,so I’m a shut in ..tried walk collapsed)
Fighting mental health system.
I’m tired of this BS…enough is enough!!!
There are no answers and they know it same as you. There job is to convince you there are. When you are young and uninformed you think you may be helped. When you grow older and/or more informed you know nothing can be done if the standard drugs etc. don’t work or unless you have many resources. The hope fades and the stories that things will get better become thinner and thinner. I have no reason to sleep tonight and no reason to wake in the “morning”. Not that my “days” resemble anything on a 24 hour cycle. I think I may be almost done. My peaceful means I setup when OK can’t get the parts I want and worry about the money I may need if not done and stay around plus energy not still so high. So tired and exhaused but still no rest. So tired. So tired of no where to go and no one who wants to talk or value or trust me. WN
Hang-in Will and Sandra. I wish I could tell you this would pass. The way you are feeling tonight, today, Will, will pass. You would think that medically something could be pharmecitially compounded to help all of you to feel better. I pray for that day for all of you. There is a solution for everything. I truly believe the medical field holds this answer and has the cure for BP. I hope you have a good day, Will. Don’t do anything to yourself. Go to sleep now and you will feel better when you get up. God Bless. Keep in touch.
Cookie
Pharmaceutical companies have drugs that heal nothing, just manage it. No money in healing. And the doctors have no time anymore, give you a pill and off to the next person. The breakthrough may come from the high tech community , not the medical community.
Glad to see you are still with us Michael. How’s it going in Philly?
The drug companies have what they have. I don’t think they or let us say the scientists who work there would hide a cure for say bi-polar or another MI. I do believe the price would be astronomical and as well believe drugs like Ketamine etc. that have no patents and say opiates and other drugs that could decrease at least the suffering (while maybe creating dependency, although maybe not like in most chronic pain patients) wil most likely never be aprovered and/or tolerated by the politicians etc. even if they were by the medical comunity. So much of corse of al this is politics and the stigma that it is al our fault and the punishment idea.
As to the Dr’s having no time. Who could deny that. Milions of people with no real problems (just like those with colds filing up the ER’s and family Dr’s ofices. This of course leaves no time for those who are realy sick. The best Dr’s treat the healty and wealth and the sickest get five minutes if they are lucky. Hi-tech and medicine are closely linked of course as you know living in the area you do and the people you know.
I as well am starting to go back to the place I was over thirty years ago. Maybe nurture has a bigger inpact then narture. At least a bigger impact then I thought. Maybe I’m just loking for causes that don’t exist and being an ass. I don’t kow.
This five minutes with someone with say a 15 percent chance of dying “treated” for five minutes vs. the time and money spent on other ilnesses with far less lethality is nothing but absurd. I have ideas as to why but still it sems totally off the wall. WN
Will, Phila, better know as Killerdelphia is off my radar. I live 45 miles north of it. There is only one drug the FDA has approved for bipolar and that isnt even a drug , but a salt — lithium , which comes with a host of issues. Lamictal was made for schizophrenia and they they said , heck, lets also get it approved for bi-polar. why should big pharma screw with a good thing.. Mental Illness is about a 1/2 billion dollar a year enterprise. Name me one drug that heals? Even antibiotics are ineffective for some super bugs. IN this sad country where the insurance companies have destroyed mental health care and local funding is being cut all the time one has to be on medicaid to get help.. I believe it is terribly wrong for family physicians to prescribe such toxic drugs that we take. what do they know about them. The shrinks know more but as you know its hit or miss. A shrink in my neck of the woods charges 180+ for a visit of maybe 20 minutes and they don’t take any insurance. They don’t have to. For crying out loud a social worker with a Master , maybe 5 years out of school charges 100+ for an appointment. ALl say they have experience with people who have BP. (yeah right). Its a pay and you can play system. I am sick of paying for all these years and am also sick of being a lab rat. If you want to see if your doctor is on the take from big pharma here is a link.. 2 of mine were and I dropped them immediately…. http://projects.propublica.org/docdollars/
To: Michael
I suppose then you are only about 75 miles from me and not 120.
Yes, I know only to well how the FDA approves drugs. I knew much and then I read a book by a Dr. Avorn an epidemiologist at Harvard a few years ago. You should check it out if you haven’t read it already. Recently read another eye opening book from a researcher on how results are interpreted and even how the grants themselves are given for approved and unapproved research. I’ve read most of this in other places but these two books were excellent in putting much controversy clearly into single texts.
In reply to your statement about the psychiatrist knowing more then the internist. I must disagree somewhat. Many internist go about learning much more then they have in school trying to understand mental illness and there world in many cases is larger then that of a psychiatrist. i As well believe many psychiatrist may just go into that specialty as it maybe the least difficult one. I may be wrong and there of course are many exceptions.
Funny about what you said about 180 per appointment with psychiatrist and no insurance accepted. That’s the exact price I was quoted recently (or 185, I forget) from a local one in my area. As well no insurance accepted. They were so overtly unclear about this over the phone and evasive (and they required a credit card number in advance of apt. as well as two forms of i.d.) that this is the only conclusion I could come to. As most severely ill MI are not in this price range, my only conclusion is they they only accept drug seeking or at least well off individuals with few real problems. Do you think I maybe in the right ballpark there or not here?
I believe MI is a far bigger then half-billion dollar industry in the US. I think it maybe a hundred times that in real terms.
I was forced to look for a new psychiatrist as my old one just turned eighty and had bypass surgery and retired. Now my internist is prescribing for me and he may not be a specialist but he is a fine , intelligent, caring man and has a daughter with the same problem. He also takes my insurance and I pay him zero out of pocket. There are some good dr’s out there and though money does rule our country and you may not find a good dr. not all are just greedy bastards. That of course is an exception to the rule as we all know. Sadly it all at this pt. is a chemistry experiment and for most the answers are not there. That in itself is no reason to blame anyone. Just those who claim there are solutions.
The deal here is they say there are not enough psychiatrists. Is this a way to increase fees or what. Are there other thinks other then greed at work. I don’t know enough to say one way or another though I do have my theory’s.
Thanks for caring Cookie. Problem is Science grows at a snails pace and I don’t believe in God. I’m not sure I want it to pass, other then long enough to get the money and build my device. Sadly there isn’t a solution for everything and that is why we will all die. WN
it is true what you say will, the older we get, the harder it is to believe that there is any hope. we are not wanted, we are a pain, stupid, lazy, a drain on the important people who hold down jobs, any negative label they wish. we are in the way for about half the country and i am sure they’d like to see us quietly leave.
here’s a question, if you hate a certain group of people it is an, “ism”, so what ism is it if you hate the mentally ill people?
Don’t know about the “ism”. But if evolution were working the way it normaly does, still today in most parts of the world. Most of us would die. Though it is said in these areas MI is less a problem I believe I would have perished before adulthod. Sadism (it’s taken), depressionism. Not sure and don’t know if the Nazi’s kiled the depressed like Schizophrenics etc. Good question though. WN
Will,
How are you. I am still hanging on. As far as the nazis go….
Nazi Extermination of Mental Illness
http://www.psychiatrytalk.com/2009/12/nazi-extermination-of-mental-illness/
I’ve driven many ppl away through my honesty.
Absolutely true,it takes a tough,but empathetic individual to handle the pain we go through w BP.
Sometimes,I find giving ppl time and space after hearing a rant or whatever,helps both of us.
But sometimes,when I look back,those individuals were triggering me,& I’m better off w out them.
I also think if your symptomatic it’s bad to make any kind of life altering decisions anyways….
Every word you said spoke to my mind & heart.
BP is a lonely disease,for certain.
So,I try not to focus on it all the time.
Agreed re therapist,am in process of finding one RIGHT NOW AS I WRITE….Ps stuck home broken foot…bored…
Your psychic girl…….
I also have drastically cut back on the people I tell. I used to blog about it openly, but having gone back to work, I don’t feel free to do that, and my blog is now password protected. I try very hard to even limit what I tell my husband; MI makes him nervous and he feels helpless. This in turn makes me feel bad, and I don’t need to feel worse when I’m already feeling horrible. I have a couple of friends with MI – including one with soft bipolar, and I’ve reached out to them a few times. I find that I limit those calls as well, since they struggle as much (or more) than I do.
Much love and thankfulness to you Natasha. You speak the words I am afraid to.
I absolutely agree with Natasha on this one. I get tired of being a supportive listener to all the other peoples’ problems, most of which are minor, but I’m not allowed to talk about my problems at all or I will be utterly rejected. Even psychiatric nurses tell me their problems when I am inpatient. That’s happened many times by more than one nurse at more than one hospital. I go to an auction or a craft show or Walmart, people tell me all their problems, most of which are minor in comparison. I talk to my therapist and psychiatrist because by law, they aren’t supposed to spread the information around. I have absolutely no one to talk to if I am suicidal, since I do not want to be in the hospital since they already said they can’t help me, and again, much of the time, psychiatric nurses don’t help me but instead tell me their problems and seek emotional support. I don’t want to put my thearpist or doctor in a position where they legally must make me go for “help” that is unhelpful. My husband can’t take it. I tried the crisis line 3 times – one time was ok but not helpful, the next time, the person pushed religion on me, and the 3rd time (this is all over several years ) I was told that if I didn’t want any referrals to services, the call was over.
I have lost the few friends that I’ve gained, over the years… due to my mental illness not wanting to stay in the shadows, from time to time
I am ridiculed by my family members (those who do not believe in mental illness as anything but “in your head”) and I am blamed, by the other family members as to when something goes wrong and well… “bet you’ll claim your bipolar as an excuse…” nope
I’ve started a new job and in doing so… i keep solely to myself
I do not get in with the other ladies… and though I am social enough to speak pleasantly and to be cordial… I do not “engage” with them or have lunch or take walks
why?
because eventually, they will leave me
they will either be tired of me, think I’m a bitch when I’m edgy, stuck up if I am isolated and withdrawn
and when folks do offer to be the one to call… I smile, say thanks and NEVER call (I did that once and the woman then did not want to talk with me or have work lunch with me, ever again)
it is a very lonely and even more so, painful
to want someone… just someone… to be friends with
and to know that you can’t risk it… cause your heart will just be broken, later
and they’ll end up despising or scurrying… when they see you coming
I think you are right Natasha but in some way a little false. I don’t think you need to hide that you have bipolar, i think you can tell your friends that you suffer from the illness and the way it affects you. But you definitely can’t take them up on their offer to call and talk anytime, it will eventually wear them down and probably won’t hear much from them eventually.
All my friends know that i suffer from severe and chronic treatment resistant depression. I have no problems admitting what is going on with me. I just briefly explain to my friends what it means and some the reasons that i may act differently at certain times so that if i decline to hang out for 3 or 4 times or i only stay and hang out with them for an hour or two the understand that it’s not because i don’t want to be around them, they understand that it is the illness that is causing this.
But i have never called a friend up in a crisis situation and unloaded on them. I agree and believe that it would only drive them away from me because they aren’t prepared to her what i might end up telling them and not be able to handle having those talks on a somewhat regular basis.
I am one of the lucky ones who has a group of supportive friends and family. I know through support groups, blogging, etc that there are many who are not so lucky. I’m sorry you have to live in secrecy. I can only imagine how difficult that must be. Another option for support is Depression Bipolar Support Alliance (DBSA). It’s peer led and not nearly as structured as NAMI. It’s helped me tremendously. I don’t know if they’re in Canada either, but it’s worth looking into.
All so true. I have learned the only person I can trust is my therapist. He knows me well enough to know when I need a break from people, when I just need some encouragement, or when my threats are just threats. He gets my personality so he doesnt freak out about what I say. He also knows when exhaustion and pain are contributing to my Bipolar. I just feel safe saying whatever it is I might have to say.
As for friends and family… Ive had to many walk away therefore I do not trust them. My pain is to much to bare. My depressions add to much stress on others. No one wants to be responsible for someone elses suicidal risk.
Jessica
You are so lucky to have a great therapist. Where I live the supposedly good ones arent taking anymore clients and charge upwards of 180 dollars.
In many ways I have become a recluse because of this issue, and I used to be a very charismatic person and the laugh of the party. Now people would look at me like a leper. Blood shot eyes from the meds, being overweight form the meds which means I cant control myself in their eyes and when I talk I am afraid I will suck the energy out of the room as one person told me. I suffer in silence. Is that good, no. Forking over 180 dollars for a 50 minute session with a therapist isn’t the answer either for me… Just when I would get into the meat of my issues of the week and I am in tears….. Oops , our time is up when should we meet next week.
i realize that i am in the u.s. where we have NAMI for free support groups. i don’t know what is available in canada. NAMI is not usually really full and there is peer support. it is not for all people; i personally do not like them, but i know some who do, they love to be around people. you would not be the only one there with bloodshot eyes and feeling like dogdo and the meetings are long enough to express how you really feel. best of all, they are free!
check out the on line superbetter game too. you can get peer support on it as well without the eye to eye contact.
Denise
In my search for a support group or anything that will offer my wife and I hope we went to a NAMI meeting 2 weeks ago. I literally cried all the way home in the car. 4 people were there and a facilitator who supposedly went through the training that was more secretive than a police detective. I will not return. I thought we would learn something and what I learned is that I have to keep searching.. I am very very tired and so lonely.
i am so sorry to hear that. i was not enamored with them either, but thought it was worth a try. i am really sorry. hang in there; we here at natacha’s blog are here for each other.
in the hospital they encourage you to tell the people that love you how sick you are. i did this and they all left me in the dust. i wish now in some ways that i’d never told anyone i was suicidal. however, i am also glad i did tell cause it showed me something about the people i hung with and that i want deeper, truer relationships, which i am learning how to make now.
i have always been very much a loner in many ways, i think this is why i never told anyone about me over the years, yet they knew something was off anyway. our whole family was a little different then most; often times i was told that i was “the most normal” of the bunch.
there ARE people out there for us. they are very kind and caring, but you are right natasha, we have to divvy it up slowly so no one is overwhelmed by us. i mostly don’t talk about my illness. i am bored by it quite frankly, i get sick of hearing about it. so we talk about all the things that are making our lives better and focus on those kinds of things. if i am having just a rotten day, i tell people close (sometimes), but still focus on the good stuff. it does help, cause even though there is sooo much bad, there is just as much good to balance it out . . . for me anyway. i am grateful even on the bad days. without them, i wouldn’t appreciate the good ones! right?
i have also been doing this thing called “Super Better” it is an on line game to help us feel and do better. there is science to back it up too. check it out!