As I’ve said many times, people view me as a high-functioning bipolar. And to a large extent, this is true. I do many things every day that many people with bipolar disorder can’t do because of their illness. I do battle with my bipolar demons and win more than some others. But here’s the thing: I still find bipolar disorder, and life, to a large extent completely overwhelming and I feel paralyzed by it.
Bipolar Disorder is Overwhelming
Of course, this might be in part because bipolar disorder is, in fact, overwhelming. People who don’t have bipolar disorder rarely understand this – they may view it as “just another illness” – but people with bipolar disorder know. Bipolar disorder fundamentally changes the way your brain works and dealing with every single thought running through a bad circuit is overwhelming. In fact, if there were a bigger word for overwhelming, I would use it. It’s over-overwhelming. It’s double-overwhelming. It’s overwhelming squared.
And so we fight this overwhelming disorder in spite of it feeling impossible. But it’s paralyzing at times. It’s paralyzing to have all these false thoughts pouring out of your brain. It’s paralyzing trying to deal with them all day, every day. It’s deer-in-the-headlights-sucked-up-by-an-alien-ray kind of paralyzing.
And Bipolar Disorder Makes Life Overwhelming
And all this paralyzing bipolar thought tends to make life overwhelming too. I’ve been trapped in my kitchen unable to decide what to eat, or even if to eat, because my brain was throwing out so many thoughts. With those myriad of thoughts comes the anxiety of listening to the “wrong” one and making the “wrong” decision.
It’s enough to give a person a migraine over a bowl of soup.
And the paralysis of the thoughts about money, and bills, and taxes, and opening mail, and returning phone calls, and returning emails, and, and, and… makes me want to give up thinking entirely,
Everything just looks like a mountain to climb with my fingertips instead of a simple task to accomplish.
What to do about Overwhelming Bipolar and an Overwhelming Life
I still get overwhelmed and paralyzed – daily. But I try to fight back by doing these things:
- Chunking things into tiny tasks that I can wrap my head around (maybe answer one email – the easy one – rather than all of them)
- Working more in the morning before my brain has a chance to rev up its overwhelming thought engine
- Resting (Now, napping is something that sleep experts say you shouldn’t do as it interrupts your circadian rhythm. I’m certainly not going to suggest my advice is better than theirs, but I find naps crucial to resetting my brain sometimes. A break might work just as well for some people though.)
- Breathing – consciously and slowly while talking to myself out loud to calm myself.
- Making a schedule and a plan for what I will do (and eat) when so I don’t have to make decisions in the moment.
- Understanding that overwhelming thought and paralysis is just part of my life and accepting it.
Multitasking also sometimes helps as it allows my brain to think in multiple streams at once. Of course, that in and of itself can be overwhelming if I’m not careful.
In short, I think it’s normal to be overwhelmed by a brain disorder and I think it’s reasonable for that overwhelmed feeling to spill into everyday life. But I also think there are things we can do to fight it. We don’t have to be victims of an overactive bipolar brain. But we can’t win all the time either, so it’s all about accepting the balance we can achieve.
Dear Natasha,
I am breathing in and out with stunned gratitude for the honest way that you describe being bipolar. My CBT Bipolar therapist at the MGH center for Bipolar Therapy said to me the other day “ you don’t really believe that you are Bipolar. I asked him, even though I knew the answer “ do you know that I am bipolar?”
He smiled and said yes. I then asked you mean in me you recognize the traits of someone who is? “
Again, yes. He said that he knew that many things were ten times harder for me than others. Like making decisions or answering questions and that I needed to be kind to myself and not beat myself up. It’s just that when you describe how hard breakfast is it’s so helpful. Sometimes I feel so isolated even though in reality I’m not. My partner doesn’t really get it, I scare him not even the reactive parts of me the subtle quirky overwhelmed parts.
I am looking into TMS therapy but so far I see that insurances only pay for those who are unipolar. I might start to go back I mean to the Bipolar support groups at McLean.
Anyway, I love your blog Natasha. Thank you for your courageous honesty your compassion and humor. I like you.
I support your growth. With much respect, Hilary
Natasha, thank you for this. I was once told I was functional even with my bipolar. I was also told that I seemed to make the best of it. During my manics, I did the things I needed to do but didn’t have energy or motivation to do otherwise. I, too, seem to need those naps that help with resetting my brain (and sometimes my mood). I’m glad to see that I’m not alone. Thank you!
Right now, I’m struggling, though. I’ve had a series of serious life changing events happen, one right after the other, that altered my usual (and functional) life patterns and daily routines. I’m in a highly stressful and very over-whelming situation at home (caring for an elderly mom-in-law, living in crowded living conditions, caring for two teens and a veteran husband suffering from PTSD… which I also have). I had not realized how functional I truly was until now. So now I’m struggling with finding a functional routine that allows me to be at my best. I’m actually not sure if that’s possible at the moment, though. :-/
Anyway. Thank you for the uplifting article!!
Hi Srose,
Nobody knows what it’s like to have bipolar unless they have it. So they cannot possibly know what is best for you.
What I do is thank people for the suggestions and for thinking of me. Then I do what is best for me.
Hi I am 29 and have been recently diagnosed with bipolar type II – currently a stay at home Mum to 2 beautiful children I have a difficult time controlling my behaviour (double checking whether that is relevant & appropriate through the highway in my mind). I exercise a lot to try to get rid of excess energy, journal, paint, and am taking lithium & Effexor. Thankful that I have a diagnosis that makes a bit of sense of my life. Hoping that I am high functioning lol but there are periods that I feel too overwhelmed to go out. Mainly I suppose I am just wondering if others have experienced time lapse/memory loss when on a high?
I’m tired of hearing freinds and Family say God will fix my make my life better if I believe in him I been their I feel like trying to be some kind of perfect saint is half of what has made dealing with my Bipolar so difficult if you hold everything inside and try to be what everyone wants to be it would drive anyone nuts not just someone with a mental illness
I’m a Christian and I’ve heard that, too. I believe that God can heal but, he doesn’t every time. He has His reasons. I also know that the Bible says His grace is sufficient for me. I keep my faith, take my meds and live one day at a time giving praise for modern medical advances.
Tell your peeps that it hurts you when they remark on your lack of faith. Tell them the best thing they can do for you is pray for you and that the rest is between you and God.
Remind them that BPD is a stress-effective disorder and they’re just making your life harder when they press you with stuff and if they really want to help they need to back off on the advice.
Best wishes.
But I do think it is a stressful and highly charged situation and people don’t always react to their loved ones in the best way.
That is what makes this disorder so sad on so many levels.
Sometimes people do tell their peeps to back off, but they don’t. Some people are so driven by their opinions that they will become intrusive. I really can’t understand how that is ever helpful.
Great article link Judy. Sometimes I get so used to stigma that when someone is actually non-stigmatizing I do a double take and instantly want to hug them.
Yeah, bipolar is overwhelming enough. The stigma – especially from those closest to you – makes it so difficult to come to terms with your illness and recover. I especially hate it when they tell you their stigmatizing behavior is because they are telling you the so-called “truth” about life (which is really a bunch of misinformation), but you’re either too wound up/exhausted/confused, etc., to set them straight. What would’ve taken a week or two to recover from had turned into months instead. And there are things I can never heal from.
My family is okay now, especially since we have all sort of non-verbally agreed never to talk about it, but my friends – I just avoid them because it just pains me to see them treat me differently.
As for the rest of the world – forget it. The treatment I had to endure has eroded so much of my faith in humanity. I don’t hate (just not in me to be that way) – I just feel sorry for them because THEY do, and they defend it with so much bullshit.
My dog has more heart, empathy, and compassion, ya know? That’s pretty sad. Most people are so human-centric that they’ll never see just how much they lack.
Thank you all for your posts. I’m 51 and just recently diagnosed, started on Lamictal and was amazed when my brain slowed down some occasionally. Mother and daughter Bipolar, but denied I was for years until I hit rock bottom before seeking help. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the diagnosis and how to manage it. Biggest problem I’m having is family thinks I’m just too lazy to work and not sick. My Father just made the statement that “I was too healthy not to work”. So much for family support. My other daughter won’t let me see my grandson because I admitted to her that I had had auditory hallucinations. He used to be my life. I’m seriously considering moving from the east coast to the west coast to get away from all the negativity from my family.
Here’s an article addressing exactly what you are going thru right now. I still don’t understand how this could be, but it is. I’m sorry you’re feeling bad about things. People seem to think you are overwelmed by life, but really, you are overwhelmed by them – the dismissive attitude, the insensitive comments, the judgements – and maybe even the fear that you are no longer loved.
http://www.bphope.com/Item.aspx/846/stigma-in-your-own-backyard
I am totally overwhelmed right now. My mood is doing a double helix, and I’m struggling to get the cooking done. My bank statement is pretty much a list of different fast foods in the area.
What’s more, life has come along and pretty much upped the ante of expectations. It’s no longer good enough to slouch around being depressed, or manic, or mixed, while trying medications and crying when they don’t work or have side effects. I simply can’t sit around any more. Events have changed. I have to at least try to do some work, one or two days, or volunteering, or a new course of study.
Life has become so demanding upon my stressed nervous system that earlier today I just kind of shut down.
The good thing is that, it has awakened the fight in me again. I may just be fighting with myself for now, but I’ve realised it’s there and I’m going to go for it, at a steady, non hypomanic pace.
Anyone been here before? Words of wisdom? Consolation?
I’m not usually one to post on one of these things but I just want to say, you guys have TRULY made me want to just give up hope. Probably the exact opposite you were going for but let me tell you, if you encounter a young bipolar (I’m 18) don’t tell them these stories. How mega shitty is it that we have no option but to “deal with this” our entire life. I don’t know why I thought that somehow it would all be better with age but I say call it quits now! Who freaking cares if this is what I will have to deal with my whole life. Kudos to you guys for sticking it out and trying to live in this society and be normal your whole life, but from what I hear, it’s still awful. I am going to have fun with it while I can until I’m locked up in some mental institution where I surely belong with only the voices to keep me company :)
You don’t have to waste your breath to tell me I’m wrong. I’m not going to waste my energy fighting with you. As bipolar people you should know we are probably the most stubborn, so I truly couldn’t care less what you have to say :)
Good luck in all your dead-end attempts with this disorder, and I hope somehow you see a light at this never ending tunnel. (Literally…its never ending. I will die bipolar)
How sad for you slag, only 18 and giving up already. Despite how hard it is at times I love life, and with treatment I have those days. I can get out more, have fun. Why did you read this page, did you think it would be stories would be about? Sugar plums and fairy tales? Would you rather we lie? Why shouldn’t younger people know the good, bad and ugly? We’re don’t come here to get our hands held, and pep talks. That ain’t gonna happen, we come here to read how to help make it better, to vent when we are down. So you plan to have fun as long as you can, then end it? Good luck with that, my big sister killed herself. The pain left behind for those you love is harsh.
Hello, I would like to say to your response…..my son who is 22 was diagnosed 5 months ago as bipolar by several doctors, then tried a few medications. I honestly felt like life would never be the same again. After the medication wasn’t the fix I even felt less confident. It wasn’t until I was talking to my personal clinical psychologist in our weekly session of what I was going through with him that she said he sounded more schizophrenia and to forward that information to his psychiatrist. As I did, the psychiatrist agreed…..we changed his medicaiton which he’s now been on for about 6-8 weeks and wow, he has done a complete 180!! He’s not having paranoid and dilusional thoughts any more. I personally felt such a downer because he has to be on this medication his whole life and I think I was more down about it than he was. He just said “mom, I have a great mind that thinks some great things, I just have to grasp it”, so thank God, he didn’t get down himself. He takes his medication ritually and is back to himself completely!! I never thought I would see this day and so soon. But we kept good mindful notations of the exact feelings and issues he was having and paying attention the medicine and realizing a few weren’t the right ones. So my point is, yes, I do think with the proper medication and the proper diagnosis that one can live a “normal” life, if that’s what we want to call it. Don’t give it!
Also, I too felt the site was a little overwhelming….I originally came to it to forward onto my son so he could get support and go somewhere to see this is normal for bipolar. But then he was so positive, I didn’t want feed him with negativity about it. He went to outpatient for a week and did meet others though. I kept this site more for me so that I could understand what he was going through and how I could help him. Even when I showed him a support site, he actually said he already learned in all the hospital for a week and then outpatient. I just try to educate him with what I’ve learned about it. And trust me when I started reading these sites, I was pretty petrified at what lied before us!!! But like I said it did take alot of work at the beginning and alot of frustration but it’s possible.
Being bipolar is what you have not who you are. Things do get better with age, meaning as I have gotten older I have learned to avoid things that may trigger an episode. You will have times of stability and not feel so out of control. You can lead a full and rewarding life, it is up to you and the attitude you develop about the challenges you face. Never let anyone bring you down. Here’s to hope!
Tammy
I started falling into bipolar disorder when I was 29, and was on all the typical medications for a few years, drooling in the corner, mostly unfunctional. One day, my best friend suggested going to an alternative physician who did acupuncture and homeopathy. (I didn’t even know what homeopathy was at the time.) This was during a bad bout of rapid cycling, completely up and down, despite being on meds.
The doctor, who was a cardiologist by training before getting into alternative medicine, looked up mania in his book of homeopathic cures and gave me a $5 remedy. In two days I was completely my old self again, recognized myself in the mirror as the “old” me and have never had a mania again. I did suffer from depressions again afterward, and have used homeopathic remedies, acupuncture and other energy medicines to great relief, with no side effects. After all, it makes total sense. Bipolar is an energy disorder. It is best solved with energy medicine. Find yourself a good homeopathic physician.
Also, when doctors tell us we’ll have this disease forever, we tend to trust them, as our culture teaches us doctors are smarter and always know best. Since being cured of this lifelong disease, I have a new view “lifelong” diseases. Our minds and bodies are incredibly flexible (read any book on neuroplasticity, like “Buddha’s Brain”), and we can overcome these illnesses our culture used to accept as lifelong. I have since learned doctors, especially in the psychiatric field, are SO bought off by the pharmaceutical companies, most don’t even bother with cognitive therapy and other counseling methods that have equally if not better efficacy rates. (Read “Anatomy of an Epidemic.”)
You are your best physician. Learn to manage your lifestyle by eating healthy foods — lots of EFAs, sleeping well, and exercising. Learn to meditate. This one thing can do the most in allowing you to start controlling your thoughts. And the meditation suggestion came from one of the few psychiatrists who actually treated my disease when I was very ill. Now, 15 years out, I rarely even get depressed. When I do, I go to and a nurse who uses a cool biofeedback machine called the QXCI, and leave feeling tons better instantly. There’s a big world out there of alternative therapies. I would never again trust the ones who put tons of money into Big Pharma’s pockets. Here’s to your good health!
Thanks for the info. I will look into it.
Just wanted to wish everyone a happy and healthy new year. I hope 2013 brings everyone an easier year, peace, happiness and heck prosperity!
Chris, what was the $5 remedy the homeopathic doctor gave you? Also, did you have manic episodes? My son was just diagnosed at 22, after a very big manic episode. Been on abilify and seroquel for over a month and still is very delusional. Caught my attention though because you mentioned basically with the meds you were in a corner drooling, which reminds me of my son, he can barely talk on these meds….he just told me yesterday “mom, I need to learn to talk again” :( …..I just don’t know how to help him and help him with the delusions.
I’m all for yin and yang balance of western and eastern medicine, both are needed to achieve the best possible health for mental and physical illness. But a $5 dollar remedy for Bipolar? I’m a bit skeptical having tried for so many years to calm my mind with alternative cures alone. It’s not an energy disease, but a chemical one. For one I don’t feel over doped, I can talk, work on my art, exercise and take these wonderfully calm moments one day at a time. I’m learning what the triggers are and how to keep them from pushing me one way or the other, by writing, my art and exercising.
Kendal, are you Bipolar 1 or 2? What meds do you take?
Hi Brigitte,
Bipolar 1, but I’ve also experienced rapid cycling. Along with PTSD, life was so chaotic pretty much from the start. Dr. Carla Ainsworth (anyone in Seattle wants one of the best, go to Ainsworth) she spent 1.5 hours with my the second appointment, but pretty much halfway though she knew I was Bipolar. She has several patients, so she started me on Lamotrigine after we discussed a few different meds. It was a older medicine, originally for seizures, and safer then lithium. Since I was in a manic ep she wanted that under control first. She told me if you start anti-depressants first it can push you into a severe manic ep that usually leads you to be hospitalized. It was starting to work until I got attacked by a pitbull last August, that pushed me back up and triggered my PTSD, so it took another couple months to stabilize. Meanwhile she gave me a mental health referral number to get my into an outpatient treatment, I got into Navos pretty fast, and between my intake with a Psychologist, Psychiatrist they confirmed Dr Ainsworth diagnose. I got into therapy. I’m now on 250 mgs of Lamotrigine, and when I started slipping down into depression they started me on the lowest dose of Zoloft 25 mgs. I’m learning to listen to my body, with my writing and artwork to help keep me focused it’s been a great help. I now find that my regular exercising I’ve not only went down almost 3 sizes, but my BP had gone from 155/95 to 114/64. Walking also helps me to work out problems that keep repeating in my mind. It’s a constant effort, but so far it’s working really well. My therapist and I are working our way through my physical,verbal and sexual abuse. We’ve started with the less traumatic events. Like I said you just can’t work on mind without body.
How about you? How does everyone else keep those urges from overwhelming you?
I experience being overwhelmed daily. Its a constant struggle working full time, being a full time graduate student and also having two sons that are currently struggling with issues themselves. All of this overwhelms me to the point where I just want to give up on trying to accomplish anything a lot of days. I also have extreme trust issues which causes relationship issues with my bf. This is a huge struggle for me on a weekly if not daily basis. The trust issues become almost obsessive in nature and can even get to the point where I am dreaming about not being able to trust him. He’s understanding most of the time but I’m sure it becomes difficult for him to deal with. Then of course this overwhelms to the point that I feel like he’s just going to give up on me and find someone that doesn’t have issues. It’s a constant battle in my mind..
I wanted too add that I was diagnosed just early summer, a couple months after my 49th BD. Can you believe that they diagnosed it as severe PMS? Given only 9 out of 10 times it wasn’t that time of the month. Top it off my whole life was chaos I didn’t know better. Not until I came to the decision to find a Dr that would listen to me. I found her, and by the second appointment I gathered up my fear to tell her my history, She listened for 1.5 hrs, tested, and then told me what she tough. She said I scored off the charts, I still am learning what it all means. Since I was manic she started me on a mood stabilizer then referred me to a outpatient mental health treatment center. Now I have a great team of Doctors who all ask me for my input. They ask me if it’s alright if they take this treatment path. It shocked me, in my whole life no one really ever listened to me but my Mom, and she was killed when I was 12.
We’ve pretty much concluded it was early onset Bipolar 1 I’ve also experienced rapid cycling, and it’s all still confusing. Now that I’m being treated not just for that but also PTSD. I’ve never felt better, not high better, but “normal” better then ever before. I work hard and by not looking too far ahead, not waiting for the other shoe to drop. I know there is no cure, but it’s one day at a time. I look forward to learning with and from you all.
I’ve been practicing trying to get my meaning across without writing a novel, so I tweeted this instead. I use my own website to write however I want, but I also am learning to stick to key points. I thought how funny, having tried it so many times before I knew what I had, and before the meds kicked. Now it’s still funny, but I’m able to hit the goal once and awhile as long as after I write I sleep on it.
You pretty much took the words out of my head (and recent blog post). My brain is in a dark place right now and most of the people don’t understand why I’m suddenly crippled with anxiety and unable to leave my apartment from time to time. I am also a high functioning bpd, but I still have a disorder I can’t control all the time. It’s frustrating as hell when people just say it will help if you go out. Yeah no. Unless you want to peel me away from the wall while I hyperventilate then sure, I’ll go out. *smack*
I feel so relieved and comforted finding this website and blog. Natasha I could not be more grateful that I found you and all your knowledge. I was diagnosed 13 years ago BP1, Ultra-rapid cycling and chronic Insomnia. It runs in my family. Father (BP1 & OCD) and grandmother BP1. I am terrified that my 3 sons may inherit this. All teenagers at this time. Recently I had not slept for 14 weeks due to the fact I have been manic for months. Only recently sleeping about 2 hours a night (better than none). I have taken probably all meds, and by various PDOC diagnosed as treatment resistant BP. I suffer from “earworms” and thought that they were racing thoughts. When I tried to explain this to my PDOC, he stated that they were not racing thoughts. I really went crazy then because like everything with BP it was all in my head. The stupid songs that never stops over and over. I am so happy that I found your website and all of you caring people sharing the same paralyzing grief that I suffer daily. Although I wish this illness was not real and none of us would have to share this horrid pain together at least we can comfort one another. Sometimes feeling helpless because people just don’t get BP. Big stigma all the time. People can be so ignorant sometimes and make me feel like I am just crazy. Or that I make things up. Can’t people understand that we normally have no control. I feel that BP has robbed me. I am no longer the person I was before this illness. My children have been raised by a mother who has been emotionally absent for most of their most precious and important years. Seen me do things that no child should ever witness anyone doing, less your mother. My PDOC told me long ago that my children would not be affected and that made me feel good at the time. WOW he was so wrong. Recently my 19 year old son stated that he was a happy child until I got sick (he was only 5 then). He told me he was going to be crazy too. I never really noticed at the time. I was barely breathing when my BP started and I still feel that way sometimes. My oldest son was always the top of his class and always excelled academically. How terrible is that as a mother I was so absent and could not recognize this. I always thought he was a happy child and I also think my other sons are as well. I am sadly mistaken. They all have issues bonding with others. I can only equate it to my lack of motherly love (I have always adored my children but at times so ill that I could not be a mother, I mean an “absent mother emotionally”). I feel I have failed as a parent. Sorry for the rant, I am very manic now!
Thanks to everyone to let me realize I am just ill. I am not a failure and I am not alone.
I really needed to vent and thank all of you for sharing and listening!!
I wish everyone better days for everyone! :)
It’s almost 2 am and I cannot get to sleep. Often one typical example of a day in the life of a person with bipolar. Insomnia is something I struggle with as result of my bipolar. I’m happy to know Natasha that despite bipolar disorder you are able to accomplish so much. I am still working on getting to that point in my life. ;p .Insomnia and depression is still such a struggle for me. Those two things can cause so much collateral damage in your life if your is not careful. Minimizing that collateral damage is what I am working hard to do. Keep up the great work, we appreciate it.
Gerald
Hi I’m too am bipolar. I’m on the depression side. I too stay in bed all day everyday. Iv not been out fo 2mths. Iv been with my husband 6yrs he’s also my carer ,but still he or anyone Don’t understand. I know how u feel
I am diagnosed BP I with rapid cyclying. I am now going thru a depressive stage. I can’t doing anything. All I want to do is stay in bed and listen to the radio. It’s very hard because I live alone and have to take care of myself and run errands. I can’t take anti-depressants because they make me manic. I know I will come out of this but it is usually into mania. I have been taking Lithium for 30 yrs. Thank you for the blog.
As I lie here in bed with so many things to do, bills to pay, etc. I read this. Thanks for the reminder. I’m really trying to listen to my body these days, as bp is so physical as well as mental for me, and I know listening to my brain is never a good idea. So with that, naptime. I’m a huge advocate for napping – it’s a reboot for me.
As usual you put into words what I go thru everyday! I totally am on the same page when it comes to figuring out what to eat. My mom used to say that I could never make up my mind when I was little. I must’ve drove her crazy. She was a lot like me and had severe depression. It’s hard when people around you don’t really know what’s going on inside your head. If they knew my thoughts I would think they would put me away for good! It’s a good thing no one can read our minds! I wish my sister could go a week in my head and thoughts. I don’t think she would make it through and still be sane.
april
April –
The line in your post that caught my attention was the “its hard when people around you don’t know what’s going on in your head”. The way you worded your post was great – it was like you were typing what is in my head! I am a 47 yr old male who has been recently diagnosed with Type II, Rapid cycling bipolar. I have been dealing with this for so many years – most of my life actually – but I just recently put the pieces together. And then all the crazy stuff I have done, said or did, as well as all of the hopeless days fueled by depression suddenly made sense! In many ways, the diagnosis was a relief. It is a huge relief to find this blog as well. No one else has every understood me, even me. Yet, all of you do understand me! I am truly amazed when I read the posts, from Natasha and from the replies: Its like I wrote it myself! That brings to me why I want to post, spurred by your comment. If those around us only knew what goes thru our heads at blinding speed, it would go such a long way towards understanding, tolerance and accpetance for all. If they knew, perhaps people would not mutter about me that “I talk too much” or that “he interrupts alot”. If they only knew that what I let out of my mouth is but a small tip of the iceberg! I compare my thoughts to drinking water from a firehose! I want to thank you all, expecially Natasha, for sharing your thoughts and feelings here. For me, this is heaven. One place that I can go where people understand me. It is freedom from the chains of bipoalr, if even only for a moment. I am glad I was diagnosed. For me, it allowed me to reframe my life, to have a template for all that I have done, good or bad. I have seen other post that they wish they could tell the world – I do to. It would help others around me if they knew what goes thru my head at 10,000 miles per hour. Of course, that won’t happen, but I do hope to be able to join this group so that maybe one of my posts someday catches someones attention and they dig a little deeper into their lives to find an answer. Just like your post and Natasha’s have done for me!
I have been battling bipolar for the past 20 years. Yes, it runs in my family. I live with manic episode and depression both during a 24 hour period. From one minute to the next my family never knows how to approach me. I normally only get a few hours sleep a night then I am up and running. I have to get my shower I dont care if it is 12 am after I get my shower then I have to clean the little box, turn on the robot to run over the floors YES AT 12 am while my family is trying to sleep. I have even found myself outside wondering around doing thing. And then suddenly it hits me and I am on the couch not even having the tv on just laying there thinking of things that I just want to make go away. My mother passed away 18 months ago and to me it was like yesterday and I relive it every day. And on 12.2.10 she was told that she had 3 – 6 months to live. I have got on my mind what did she live with everyday knowing she was going to die. What went through her mind? Did she get up each day and think maybe today is going to be the day? It is driving me nuts. And one huge step I have taken I have come out of the closet so to speak and I have allowed people other than my family know that I am battling bipolar disorder with rapid cycles. And yes, I have got negative feed back from some of my friends. One of my best of friends for over 12 years. Told me Tami I really worry about you. And I just replied yeah my family does too. I am battling my meds right now. I wont take anything that will cause weight gain because I have battled my weight all my life and finally I have it under control. To me I am still fat but everyone else the drs and family is happy where I am at. I cant take an anti depressant because it throws me into a major manic episode and I will go days without sleep and I am just nuts. I know I am rambling but it is good to tell someone that understands. My husband supports me but his way of supporting me is just ignoring me and going on with his life. And I have to admit that I have been abusive to him. Like telling him to get out one minute and the next I am asking him if he wants to do something together. I find myself living my life on the edge. Yes, I have had numerous affairs and have been caught but he just over looks them. And I dont know if it is the thrill of doing something I should not. I have gotten my spending under control not I am actually a tight wad. Other than I seen a mouse around my dog kennel the other day and went and spent $90 on rat poison. A few years ago in less than a month I spent $18000.00 on remodeling my new house. But then the other day I sat here at the computer and was reading blogs and thought Tami you are not bipolar you dont need those meds. Thank God I told my best friend and she told me Tami you are not stopping your meds. I also have social anxiety so the Christmas Holiday really has me on edge. And no I will not attend any functions because they are to many people. My husband does make me go out to eat on Saturday mornings but I have to be there when they first open so there is not that many people. I went to eat with my best friend the other day and I got half way through my meal and the people seemed like they where closing in on me the anxiety was overwhelming. I told her if she did not mind I was going to have to take my food and leave. She told me she understood. I just could not do it. I am in a major panic because my dad wants to take everyone out to eat for Christmas at a local steakhouse at 5 pm and I have already gotten myself with high anxiety over it. I even asked could we not go earlier. I just I had one day in my life that I felt “NORMAL” and I pray each day that neither of my kids get this from me. I would not want them to live inside their body and feel like they are living in hell. I am sorry for rambling. Yes, I am manic. But I am sure someone understands my strange feelings. Thanks for listening.
I have been both functioning and paralyzed. The diagnoses came so slowly over 20 years….dysthymia, depression, BiPolar2, CPTSD, BPD…I had no luck in 4 years of CBT. I gave up, exhausted and collapsed about 8 years ago. Im just starting to see blue sky again. I was so scared to know I had something that killed my mom when I was a baby, She was 27 when she killed herself.
I can get a cancer diagnosis in under a week, but it takes nearly 20 years to comprehend that Im not dealing with something that’s going to get better thru exercise, meds, or weaning myself odd substances, which I did. I tout I was going to be fine as long as I was committed and aware.
No doctor prepared me to understand that I would be living with this every minute of very day for the rest of my life and I would need to educate myself and change the way I think, behave and react.
By the way, where’s all the guys?
Hi Natasha, I think you are a courageous person who makes a huge contribution to the task of educating and helping people understand about mental health and reduce the stigma that prevails but is rapidly diminishing as a result of the effort of people like you. Thank you.
I hate being bipolar so much. I just found your blog and I hope to learn how to accept it. It’s good to know that others have the constant noise in your head. There are days I stand in my closet overwhelmed by what tee shirt to wear.
Like Caroline, like Tabby, like yourself, Natasha, I come from the lineage of High Functioning people with bipolar illness. That is not always a bad thing, for it keeps my chaos more organized – as if being in the world forces me to certain standards of ‘normalcy’. For me, letting it all hang-out would not be helpful. So, for the most part, I hide the illness behind the cloak of my ability to be relatively intelligent. It is relief to be among people here who know how strange and bizarre it is to have to bifurcate one’s life. I save what I am truly thinking, what I am truly feeling for my psychiatric sessions – and I thank G-d for them.
People are wearing those Spanx undergarments to “hold themselves in”, to “look better to the world”.
I detest the metaphorical Spanx. I detest having to hold my truer self back.
~~We have a lot to teach the world, we who know the Bipolar Life.
I am not as fortunate to be a “high functioning” sufferer. I am permanently disabled with Bipolar I Ultra Rapid Mixed Episodes With Psychosis BUT I do have a few tidbits that I try to keep track of to function on my own rather than weigh down my husband so much with my disability.
1. I have been med compliant
2. I have been eating daily
3. I have been keeping with my pdoc visits faithfully and even restarted therapy- YAY!
4. i have been sleeping at least 5 hours a night.
I know that these things sound amazingly rudimentary, but for me, they are a daily struggle, and will continue to be so for the rest of my life.
I was glad to read your article, and I was able to relate to it, too. One day soon, I hope that I will be able to get out of this now 8 week long mixed episode I have been in and put some of your coping strategies into action myself!
It is not rudimentary, you should be proud of any progress you make, none of it is easy!
Thank you so much for your kind words, Caroline. I replied to Natasha that this mixed episode I am in right now has me wondering daily whether I am psychotic or not. It has been a struggle, for sure. The doctor has recently put me on another anti-psychotic (I stopped the last one because of weight gain, but will try again), and restarted therapy. I have also regained 5 of the 10 pounds lost. It does seem. though, that everytime I gain a foothold on this mountain, a few rocks fall on my head and I slip away a bit, only to wake up and find I’m not as far up as I thought I was. Thank you for listening. It means a lot to me. i know that I ramble- lol!
Hi M Smith,
I saw your reply to me and the one to Natasha, I am so sorry to hear you struggle so much. As for rambling, don’t we all do that? Imagine if we all tried to put down everything in our heads, it would be a chaotic mess lololol! If I could suggest, you could always post on here when you are hearing things your not sure are real, I’m sure one of us would tell u (I.e G-D). All of us need a support systems, that’s why we are all on this blog. Hang in there just take each day as it comes, be thankful for the good days, and on bad ones just try to remember the good ones will come again too!
Where in Fla are you? I live in s Florida…
Hi again Caroline :)
I live on the west coast of Florida near Tampa. Many mermaid live here, too.
To many people that probably REALLY sounds crazy, but Floridians probably know where I mean :D
The problem with being psychotic is that it seems so normal at the time. I think I must act normal, too- but I just don’t know.
It’s like waking up and seeing what some other person has been up to while I’ve been on break.
For example: Three weeks ago, I spent $800 a the grocery store! Who does that? Luckily, I have enough places to store this stuff. Anyways, I am still finding things that I bought and not only am I surprised that I have these things in my house- there are things that I bought that I didn’t even realize were sold in stores! Obviously, I was delighted that Macaroni Grill now sells frozen entrees- who knew? I didnt realize they did until a couple of days ago, although I bought quite a few three weeks ago!
Right now, going into my pantry or my deep freezer is just like visiting a brand new store full of unfamiliar products.
Of course, to me that day, I just had a boring two hours at the grocery store. It’s only now that it seems like odd behvior.
M. Smith,
I totally agree with Caroline.
It’s the small things that matter and those “rudimentary” things you mentioned – many people can’t manage those. You’re doing what it takes for you to be the best you can be. That’s amazing. Don’t sell yourself short.
– Natasha Tracy
Thank you for the kindness. Lately, it’s been a real question each day of “am I psychotic” or “am I not psychotic?” This episode has gone on for two months now. I now have a blog started, am 150 pages into an autobiography, have become a help guru on a website, have become an assistant coach on a baton rwirling squad at my daughters school- I have mended a 3 year feud with my sister in law for no apparent reason, but started a couple of feud with other people for no apparent reason. I have also recieved many messages from GOD HISSELF telling me to tell self righteous Christians where to go- of course I have refreshed myself on all things biblical to back myself up judging by the stack of bibles scattered around me right now. I also see here on the table three books on writing, two on psychology, a Stephen King Book, and a stack of papers I wrote in College twenty years ago.
I currently have 4 Christmas trees set up in my house- which, by the way, looks like Sandy has passed through, but I live in Florida.
Everytime I think I am doing better, withing a day or two, I end up cutting myself up pretty bad.
Just yesterday, I came out of another fog, and looked around to see what I have been up to, and this is what I see now.
All I can do is hope that it leaves soon. The last one I had that was this extreme put me in the hospital :(
Sorry for the vent. I think I needed it, though- lol
I disclosed my “illness” to a colleague the other day. I explained that I have Bipolar.
I explained that some psychs say Bipolar I and others say Bipolar II Mixed, whereas others have said Bipolar Not otherwise specified because they didn’t know me well. I even mentioned the one psych doc who diagnosed me with Schizoaffective Bipolar (I have bouts of psychosis and dissociation). Her eyes popped wide, but she said not a word.
I then explained that I was “high-functioning” but that often times than not, it’s a curse – not a blessing. It is a curse because while I may appear so with it and functioning, capable of handling reams of paperwork and training staff… behind my eyes, it’s complete and utter chaos and dishevelment.
I explained that it takes “so utter much mental energy to keep myself in check each and every day. To filter everything that comes in to my mind and try to filter everything that goes out my mouth; moreso, to decipher what is the best behavioral response.”
This colleague looked at me and said, “you know, I would never have believed that you have that severe an illness. Truth is; I have been and still am very impressed with you. You are so smart. You’ve apparently mastered the faking it till you make it.”
I work within a MH/SA agency. I am responsible for the billing and the authorization obtainment for indigent poverty level folks.
My colleague? A psychotherapist and though, in years past when I’ve disclosed – I’ve had highly negative responses and reactions from employers and colleagues (one even swore that I’d was a danger to her safety and demanded that the security guard walk with her everywhere she went that I and she would encounter each other)… it was a relief to be able to disclose to this woman. Course, I swore her to secrecy and she said she would keep it. We’ll see.
Thanks for sharing. I am 37, and in the last year I have, finally after many other incorrect diagnosis, have also been diagnosed as “high-functioning” bipolar 2 (more depression than Mania, experience what’s called “hypo mania”). I have not yet met others with the high functioning diagnosis, and have struggled to find sites their yours. Where people have a similar experience. Being high functioning comes with its own set of unique problems, as it makes it even harder, I believe, for being to understand what is going on, as you appear “normal”, and so they “forget” that you function differently and get easily frustrated when the bipolar rears its head. I describe my millions of racing and yes absolutely paralyzing thoughts as literally having an angel and devil sitting on each shoulder bickering with each other, “do this, nah don’t d this, try this, no don’t do it this way, start a task, screw it and do something else” etc etc etc, to the point where if I don’t fight it, I can spend the entire day figuring out what do to instead of actually doing it, I too have had the experience in the kitchen. I recently tarted a meal program, for better nutrition purposes, not for weight specifically, which provides 10 different really yummy easy recipes for each meal. This has made my life so much easier, knowing exactly what I am going to eat and when, as you suggest below. I am so happy to have found your site and hear from someone who has a similar experience. Thank you!!!!
Hi Caroline –
I am 47 and recenty diagnosed with BP2, rapid cycling. I have had this for most of my life, but the diagnosis is recent. I too recently found this blog and I find it my slice of heaven, for the same reason you mentioned: here is the one place I can go to talk with others who understand what its like to have this. You talked about having the Angel and Devil on your shoulder, or spending the entire day on a decision. That is so much like my experience! This past summer we were having landscape work done in the back yard and I had to make decisions on the placement of some things before the workers arrived. We had a friend’s daughter over to watch the kids while I worked in the yard. And on this day, my hypomania was in full gear. And when that happens, I start to pace around and the simplest of decsions can take me hours. I’ll make a decison and almost begin to start it, then the “other” voice says, “but are you sure that’s the best way? Maybe you should do it a different way”. And then I stop. And pace. And think some more. And more ideas and doubts of those ideas flood into my head like a tsunami. So on this morning, I went into the backyard at 8 AM to decide on placement of some items. The workers were coming at noon. All of a sudden I look up and there is the baysitter, looking at me funny. “What’s up?” I said? She said, “umm I don’t know how to tell you this, but I’ve been looking out the window and do you know you have been pacing back and forth all morning?”. I looked at my watch and it was 11:30. I had not done a thing. I thought I had lost my mind (this was before the diagnosis). But I had no one to tell! Who do you talk to about stuff like that? Its so very difficult, but now, having found this blog, there is a place I can go to “talk” with people who actually understand what its like to think like me. At a million miles an hour. It gives me comfort. Thanks!
Hi Chris – I’m 48 and only recently diagnosed myself – BP II with rapid cycling.
I can completely related to pacing back and forth over what should be a simple decision. My wife has given up on asking me for any input on anything – from what’s for dinner to what color we should paint the family room walls.
It’s crippling sometimes – I’ve walked in and out of three or four restaurants – sometimes with my kids in tow. I can’t even explain why – we sit down, look at the menu and I just get up and leave.
Anyway – we all know it sucks. I try so hard to fight it. I’ve started breaking everything down into easy to complete tasks and rituals. It helps some.