The bipolar burble welcomes guest author Stephanie of Mommy vs. Madness. Today Stephanie talks about something I can certainly relate to, the concept that stereotypically, those with bipolar disorder are nothing but crazy and so are to be disregarded. Stephanie talks about the cost of fighting this stigma.
Fitting in is hard. Fitting when you are bipolar is harder. Most people can fit in by adorning themselves in the latest shoes, bags or clothes. Others may compensate by engaging in witty conversations, bragging about their job accomplishments or their children. Being bipolar, I feel the need to compensate for my perceived incompetence. I feel that in order for me to fit in, I have to prove just how sane I am. For me to accomplish this I feel I must be smart, I must be funny and most importantly I must be calm and rational at all times.
Being Diagnosed with Bipolar Felt Distancing
When I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder I, I felt wrapped in a stigma-stereotyped and secluded, suddenly different than the rest of the population. And, in some sense, people with mental illnesses are different; we experience life in a more vulnerable manner.
[push]Most people assume that someone with a mental illness can’t be a successful doctor, lawyer, accountant or a good parent. The mentally ill can only be “crazy” doing stereotypical “crazy things”. And usually those “crazy things” don’t involve a house, a kid, a relationship or a job.[/push]
I can recall times when I’ve told people I have bipolar disorder and received one of two looks. The first look is that of pure pity. Their head will tilt to the side, their brows will furrow and their lips will turn down ever so slightly, suggesting that they are entirely sympathetic, when in fact, they are just more or less shocked. The subsequent look is that of borderline horror. Their mouths will practically “O” as they prepare the following utterance, “Well, you don’t look crazy” as if their response is at all reassuring.
I’ve also found I am my watched more closely, especially around my children, as if people are trying to catch a glimpse of the madness lurking inside that has led to this diagnosis and discover if I too could be a baby killing monster.
So I Compensate for Perceived Incompetence
So it becomes easier to hide my illness to avoid the looks of pity, horror and the parenting stigmas. In doing so, I overcompensate with intellect and utilize whatever notion of normalcy I have.
I study hard; I make sure my grades are at the top of the class. On the job I’d take on the largest projects and work more hours than most, trying to be everything to everyone.
I try hard not to yell, even if I desperately want to. Instead, I reason with logic rejecting my need to speak from the heart. I never say I’m sad, or having a bad day, or raise my voice at my kids in public when I’m out with friends- even if they deserve it.
I figure if I appear smart and calm then no one can see the inner turmoil of my mania, depression, racing thoughts or my multiple hospitalizations. No one will judge; no one will suspect a thing.
I do all this because, honestly, I don’t really know what else to do to show I’m as competent as those who do not share my burden. It’s easier for me to lose myself than to have to explain to the rest of the world about my illness and how I am still the same “me”.
The Effect of Overcompensation
So I’m left to wonder; wonder if this trepidation of mine is what keeps so many from speaking out about their disease. I wonder if the fear of being looked upon as less competent sears the inside of their souls too.
I also wonder if there is an answer or at least one brave soul who has conquered their anxiety, overstepped the bounds of stereotypes and can readily offer insight to their “solution”-their “how to”, if you will.
Because if that person exists, then I could feel a semblance of hope that the world has the ability see that just because a doctor wrote code 296.89 on some paperwork and a prescription for Lithium, doesn’t mean I can’t be a good employee, student and mother. What it then shows is that I can be competent and bipolar.
And in the end, if I can find this balance, I am no longer compensating for who I want to appear to be–I will be living who I am.
Stephanie is a Bipolar living in Northern California with her husband and two boys, one of which has also been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. When she is not documenting the hilarity of parenting and the challenges of doing so with a mental illness she moonlights as a law student concentrating in the area of Mental Health law.
This article describes exactly what I started wonder “if” I would need to do. I also wondered “if” I should spin a lie…come up with a medical illness as a cover…something long lasting that would explain the mood changes….thought of blaming it on a hormone imbalance. Very sad, very true. I’m still very green…still processing and accepting my diagnoses.
Hi Nicci,
I don’t think it’s sad; I think it’s normal. So many people have felt the way you do. But, as you mentioned, acceptance is a process and you will get there. It’s tough, but we take the steps in the way that we can.
– Natasha Tracy
I really enjoy your insightful thoughts, critical analysis and the great site. Before mentioning stigma in the 21st Century, I need to say that when I was diagnosed in the 70″s, there were no patient’s rights period. I was victimized by male staff physically (always was a fighter so I ended up in restraints a lot and tried to keep from being abused. Even a straightjacket once. My parent’s were pitied and discouraged at their disappointment with me, they were stuck with such a sad lot in life and had been unbearably burdened. They go lots of sympathy. Ambulances and hospitals became primary transportation and housing for me as I refused medications an had drug psychosis with bipolar. I was entirely institutionalized for long periods and my ability to care for my self had become non existent, I had a learned helplessness.
I mention this because, one, I feel very free writing to you, your self revealation is contagious. And also, even though the distance to first class citizenship is still long and challenging, so significant chances have taken place.
I do understand your overcompensation concerns and I, too made sure I aced undergrad and grad school too after I had calmed down some and gotten clean and sober. And it came from that inner insecurity of “I have to have the best test grade,etc.” to show I am good enough. But, what that did to a degree was to show me that I actually can function in ways, I certainly never thought possible, and my parents were told to expect nothing of me. So, in some ways it did open up my world of possibilities for my life and clearly opened up life, knowledge, new interests, etc for me and multiple interests.
One stigma related issue of sorts that I found when I was a student, acted like a student, went to class, hung out, made friends with professors studied and worked hard at the getting educated, job, I also developed those precise qualities that students exhibit. Fortunately more good ones than bad. I was no longer a sick diagnosed institutitionailized, neer do well in my own self belief, but instead I found that I had unknown strengths developing. I did not ever say I was bipolar in school, I just acted the role of student tainining to become a therapist. Even though I got in a PhD program issues of illness held me back (and that is ok – I got close – i will live with that – I don’t feel short changed) and I only got the Master’s. The main point is not me though, it is us…we can and are doing, like you taking on a long term difficult task that only a few percent of the population could do anyway. Kudo’s. Someone suggested I try to get a C once, just to show myself i could. :)
Finally, I like the idea of consumer support groups to a point (they can I believe become stagnant systems without enough external light introduced (just my opinion). Instead, I am in favor of maistreaming as much as possible and now my life is about this. I worked as a family therapist for a few years, I will never, most likely be able to do that again now that I am out. But, I don’t want to anyway. Authencity works best for me so I keep coming out of the closet a toe at a time in the beginning but now, I am just out there. Hopefully, I can help to be a liaision of sorts, promoting mainstreaming into society as a whole so as to promote relations and let the naysayers know that we aren’t unable to fulfill responsibilies, we are complete human beings as well as often intelligent, creative and talented people that have much to offer. Mainstreaming offers greater opportunity for people to know they don’t have to be afraid or cautious or….and we get the chance to be a part of the whole. And feel more inclusive. Then both sides are getting more acquainted and better understanding has a chance to grow.
Stigma, is and will for some time be alive and well. We can only help change by being the best citizen contributors possible until full acceptance is reached. Groups like NAMI Stigma busters out of Washington DC is a very effective organization, they do wonderful work and always need help. They are powelful activists at reducing stigma.
Hi Chrys,
Thanks.
That is quite a story. My father was actually diagnosed with bipolar decades ago too, but he was never treated. When I think about the options available at that time it’s scary. Today’s methods may be flawed but we’ve come a long way baby.
It sounds like you have found great success in spite of everything you have been through. I know your story is inspiring to many. Learned helplessness can absolutely destroy an individual but you fought back which is incredible.
I agree completely with regard to mainstreaming. No matter what our personal challenges mental illness is just like any other illness and we can be and do the same things as anyone else with an illness.
And I think we can fight stigma no matter what state we’re in. We might be out of work, or on disability, or at-home parents, or in the workforce but we can all stand against the small-mindedness of others. Many of us are never going to get a master’s degree (like, um, me) but we’re all worthy human beings working at doing our best.
Thank-you for sharing your story. You are amazing.
– Natasha
Chrys–You are amazing. And thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It sounds like you fought hard for your degrees despite your bipolar disorder. It’s such a tough place to end up in. Never more have I wished I could’ve been anyone else in those classrooms but me. Congratulations on making it through your Masters and getting accepted into a Ph.D program. I am happy for you that you’ve found peace in not being able to complete it, that is something that takes a lot of personal strength to do.
It’s amazing to hear from others who can say “I feel this way too”. Thank you again, for doing just that.
Stephanie
We live in live in a world where ignorance abounds, it is a constant if we could feed ourselves with ignorance no one would ever hunger.
Many people have a subconscious fear that “madness” is contagious.I cannot change how other people percieve me based on a diagnosis but I am in control of how I percieve myself.
I think we have to fight the stigma within ourselves and then build support networks that support our world view.
I don’t want people in my life or around my children who hold bigoted, tired old views about disability and ability. They are the real danger not me. I am a lamb.
Upon telling people I have bipolar disorder I have had people distance themselves from me and I have had people embrace me, I have experienced indifference from others.
Its like “bits n’ bites”.
I am extremely open about having bipolar disorder, it is not something I can hide very well. My life is richer when I am open then I know the people around me are the ones that want to be there.
Being bipolar is normalcy for me. I know no other life. I have been this way always, whichever way that may be.
Hi Jake,
I think that is a brilliant comment. The “contagious” thing is so weird to me. How can a mental illness possibly be contagious, how, even subconsciously, does this make sense? Some people are amazingly ignorant. I wonder if they hate people in their dreams?
Yes, I think support networks are the way we protect ourselves. Hopefully we’re all lucky enough to have them, I must say though, they are hard to build.
And I think what you said about children is exactly right, if we can protect them from that type of thinking hopefully they will grow up and spread non-bigoted thinking.
I would wish you good luck, but honestly, I think you’ve got everything covered.
– Natasha
Jake- the fact that you are openly putting yourself out there and telling people “being bipolar is part of who I am” is great. I would give you a round of applause if you could hear it through your monitor. You are sending a very positive message about living with bipolar and your friends are very lucky to have you.
Thank you for sharing.