While I believe that everyone deserves it, I hate self-compassion. It seems like everyone should want self-compassion, and yet I don’t want to give it to myself. I realize how counter-intuitive this is (especially for someone in mental health). It’s complicated why I feel this way, but I do feel it quite strongly. If you find yourself hating the idea of self-compassion or wonder why someone else would hate it, read on.
What Is Self-Compassion?
I don’t need to know the official meaning of self-compassion to hate it. Just the fluffy idea of being nice to myself is enough to make me reflexively not like it. Nonetheless, I think looking at the definition of self-compassion is useful:
“Self-compassion has been recently defined by Kristin Neff (2003) as having three interrelated components that are exhibited during times of pain and failure. Each component has two parts, the presence of one construct and the negation of another. These three concepts are: (a) being kind and understanding toward oneself rather than being self-critical, (b) seeing one’s fallibility as part of the larger human condition and experience rather than as isolating, and (c) holding one’s painful thoughts and feelings in mindful awareness rather than avoiding them or overidentifying with them.”
(Barnard & Curry, 2011)
There are other definitions of self-compassion, of course (find more here), but the one above is useful because it provides almost a roadmap for what self-compassion is and is not.
I Hate Self-Compassion
But as I said, I feel this hatred towards the concept of self-compassion. I don’t hate other people showing self-compassion; I hate it for myself. And that’s because I have an inner drill sergeant. My inner drill sergeant is very important to my life and it’s very against compassion.
My inner drill sergeant is what keeps me going day to day. If it were up to all my illnesses, I would just lie in bed all day, every day. That is what depression wants, and my migraines and fatigue certainly pile on and encourage the same behavior. But lying in bed doesn’t pay my mortgage.
My inner drill sergeant is why I’m writing this right now. It’s why I do work for my clients. It’s why I do pretty much everything I do in my day. It’s the guy screaming in my head that makes it happen.
People often wonder how I can do what I do, considering how ill I am. It’s my inner drill sergeant that makes that happen. And self-compassion certainly doesn’t enter into that equation.
(Please note that I’m not endorsing the use of such a nasty drill sergeant. There are many downsides to having one that is so controlling. It’s just what’s in my head.)
Here’s Why I Hate Self-Compassion
Self-compassion — this kind and fluffy thing that we’re supposed to do for ourselves — stands in the way of me doing what I need to get done. It stands in the way of me making a living. It stands in the way of me surviving. Self-compassion feels like weakness and like a time suck that I can’t afford.
For example, right now, I’m in pain with a migraine, among other things. I know the kind and compassionate thing would be to allow rest. If it were someone else, that is what I would encourage. The thing is, I can’t do that. I have needed to rest because of migraines so much lately that I’m behind in everything. Believe me, I would like nothing better than to lie in bed with ice on my head right now; I just, literally, can’t afford for that to happen.
I Might Be Wrong About Hating Self-Compassion
Yesterday, I watched a video on self-compassion, and it made me consider that I might be wrong about hating self-compassion, however. It talks about why self-compassion is good, not just from a psychological perspective but also from a scientific one. It aims to educate about six myths of self-compassion.
I encourage you to watch it below.
So, now I’m trying to look at hating self-compassion a little bit differently.
Reevaluating Self-Compassion
If science says self-compassion is good and can actually improve aspects of not only your psychology, but also your life and productivity, maybe it deserves a second look. Maybe I can incorporate aspects of self-compassion into my own life.
Here are the three concepts that are part of self-compassion and how I might be able to apply them to my own life, even if I do have an inner drill sergeant telling me what to do:
- Being kind and understanding toward oneself rather than being self-critical — I’m not good at being kind to myself. I have a lot of issues around it, I admit. That said, maybe I can afford to be less self-critical. Maybe I can reframe my own mistakes in a gentler way. Maybe I can afford to beat myself up less when I fail.
- Seeing one’s fallibility as part of the larger human condition and experience rather than as isolating — This one I’ve better at. While I may not be overly kind when I make a mistake, I do understand that I make them, and my “fallibility” is just humanity at work. While some mistakes are harder to deal with than others, mistakes are part of being alive.
- Holding one’s painful thoughts and feelings in mindful awareness rather than avoiding them or overidentifying with them — I think the person who wrote this didn’t have depression. I’ve found “holding” my pain to be incredibly harmful, not to mention endless. That said, avoiding things with unhealthy means (like, say, substance use) is not productive, and it’s helpful to remember that. It’s also worth remembering that while life may cause pain, we don’t need to bathe in it (overidentify with it).
There is a lot more to say about self-compassion, including examples of how to implement it in one’s own life.
That will have to wait for another post, however. Until then, I’m going to look at trying to be a bit gentler with myself in some ways.
I’m interested to know what you think of self-compassion, whether you think it’s useful, and how you see it in your own life.
Self respect and compassion can sometimes take a lifetime to achieve. Because of past traumatic events in out lives particularly in childhood which were out of our control and then sometimes as adults we don’t feel compassion for our failures and situations. It isn’t good to have an inner sergeant major and an inner Nanny McFee is more the way to go.
Thank you Natasha for this last post and I hope you do in fact tuck yourself up in bed in a dark room where you are warm with a nice cup of drinking chocolate the next time you have a bad migraine. Or seek medical advice.
I think each person has to decide to what extent they can push themselves through whatever pain they are experiencing. For some, the pain may be too much and they may have to go on disability or seek additional help. If we don’t have compassion for ourselves, who else will? The great world religions essentially preach compassion and love. I don’t think some compassion is too much to give ourselves or even to that inner drill sergeant.
I’m not sure I agree with how you describe self-compassion. I have migraines and a ton of other stuff and when times are difficult I may not go lie down. I ask myself what I need in that moment and it may be to continue working.
Self-compassion was crucial for me to get past the shame that my manic and depressive episodes have caused. I think it’s helped a lot of people who are stuck in shame and I believe shame has a horrible impact on people’s lives and the lives of the people they love.