Mental illness affects the family in more ways than I can count and, certainly, a failed intervention of any type is part of that. I recently have had to view the effects of a failed addiction intervention on my own family members — and I have to deal with the effects of mental illness and a failed addiction intervention on me too. This has been wildly unpleasant.
* Note that there are three whole uses of profanity below. Feel free to skip this piece if that offends you.
Mental Illness Effects on the Family
I have a mental illness, of course, bipolar disorder, and I know that my mental illness affects my family members. It affects them more or less, depending on who they are, but certainly when one person in a family has a serious mental illness, it affects more than just them. (This is besides the fact that mental illness tends to run in families and generally when one person has a serious mental illness, more than one person does.)
In short, the mental illness making one person sick can make the rest of the family sick in parts as well. Relationships can be severely altered or even destroyed. Some people in the family may find they are constantly cleaning up after the person with mental illness. Some may feel they are constantly having to withstand unkind or even abusive actions from the person with the mental illness. And so on and so forth.
Even when the person with mental illness is well, that doesn’t mean sailing is smooth. Often staying well is a challenge that also affects the whole family from the family engaging in therapy to help the person with the mental illness to changes in habits and routines to help the person stay well.
This isn’t to say a family with mental illness in it is doomed — of course it isn’t — but it is an extra challenge, that is for sure.
Addiction Effects on the Family
And I would suggest that when the mental illness in question is
I have family members who are addicts and it hasn’t been any fun for any of us. These addictions have worked to destroy the people who suffer them as well as those around them. Those in an active addiction get unreasonably angry, steal, lie, act abusively and do other things that treat those around them like garbage. It’s impossible to have reciprocal, healthy relationships with those with active addictions. It just is.
Additionally, often those with addictions also have other mental illnesses as well. This complicates matters and makes getting better that much harder.
The Failed Intervention and Effects on the Family
As most of you know, I suppose, an intervention is when people get together and try to talk a person with an issue, such as an addiction, to get help. In my recent experience, it was three people trying to convince an addict (who likely also has an additional mental illness but is too altered to tell) to go into detox and get healthy.
And as the title would suggest, this addiction intervention failed. The addict in question decided that substances were more important than family and friends.
And because people draw lines and commit to limits during an intervention, this addict will now have no contact with our mother — the woman who he has used, and yet who has stood by him, his whole life. He’s a bully. And a user. And I don’t blame anyone for wanting to get away from him.
But, of course, it’s not that simple. Everything I have said is true, but drawing a boundary where you walk away from your child/brother/friend is difficult and painful. And now I’m watching that. I’m watching the pain and difficulty. And it’s horrible.
I have written before about when you need to walk away from someone with a mental illness and some people have flayed me for it. But I’m fine with that. Clearly these people don’t have the kind of experience I have had. Clearly these people don’t have the kind of experience my mother has had. Sometimes you have to leave for your own health. Because your health and happiness is important, and sometimes you can’t have either with a destructive person in your life.
But still. Now I’m watching days of sorrow, loss and tears. My heart feels like it’s in a vice. I want to fix this. But I can’t. I can’t fix this and I can’t fix him. Only he can fix him. And he doesn’t want to.
My Feelings Around Mental Illness and a Failed Intervention in the Family
I have so many feelings around this. I’m angry and hurt and disappointed and hopeful at this new effort, although with each passing day it turns more towards fear and hopelessness. I fear he’s going to die or end up on the street. These are real things. I can’t imagine driving by my brother panhandling on the street just to get enough to buy alcohol. But that’s a real possibility. And if he does die? My mother will never forgive herself. She will blame herself. It wouldn’t be her fault. It would be his fault and the fault of his choices. But I somehow doubt that, emotionally, she would see it that way.
And so, I am fucking angry that this asshole has decided that drinking, drugging and staying sick is so much more important than his own mother. His choices are wounding her deeply. And that is the effect of mental illness on the family. Wounds. Lots of them.
And yeah, it’s true that she is responsible for herself and he isn’t. She is responsible for her feelings. I know. But his choices are so destructive it feels a lot like it’s his fault to me.
And just because he has an addiction, that doesn’t get him off the hook. He is still making the choice to stay in the addiction. I chose to get help for my own mental illness. Other addicts choose to get help for their addictions. There is no reason on this planet why he can’t do the same thing. Yeah, I’m supposed to empathize with the addict. I know. But I empathize with my mother more. I’m sure he feels he’s between a rock and a hard place. I’m sure it’s very hard. But suck it up. Life is hard. I didn’t make the fucking rules.
I guess, in the end, the worst thing about mental illness is that it can destroy the victim and it can destroy others simply by touch. The effect of mental illness on a family is
Image by Jarvie Z.
Tracy
You are spot on.
I chose to leave home at 15 because of my step-mother’s drinking and drugging. I severed all relations with my father because of his abuse. You have to make a decision at some point and either chose sanity or insanity. We are NOT responsible to heal and rescue sick family members who refuse to take responsibility for their recovery.
Steven B. Uhrik, LCSW, CEAP
I’m so sorry for you and your mom. I had wonderful Al Anon friends that helped me stay strong when my anorexic, bulimic, alcoholic sister was self-destructing. My mom and I picked up the pieces for her too many times to count. We also had a failed intervention that was long and grueling. I’m sure my sister was Bipolar I, just like me. I lost my sister nearly ten years ago to a heart attack brought on by years of self abuse… She never once apologized to our mom, something I struggled with for years. Probably still do! The pain is still there for all of us, but years have lessened the impact.
I hope your brother is safe while he wrestles with his demons. Best wishes that he did hear what you said to him and hits bottom, goes to AA, gets an awesome sponsor and remembers that life is pretty damn good.
Hang a Christmas stocking for him, even if it filled with coal. I still hang my sister’s!
Hi Natasha,
I always read your posts (I’m BP2 too). I totally respect your emotions about this situation. However, finding out why he started this is going to help him start to conquer it. He may well have been masking the pain of mental illness or other things he couldn’t face. You and you Mum have turned up the heat, rightly so. If he doesn’t give in, you either cave or increase the heat, which I would. Nevertheless his best chance of recovery is understanding himself and being brave enough to face his own uncomfortable truth.
Love and huge respect
Simon
I’m so sorry you’re all going through that. I hope he stays safe until he’s ready/willing to seek help, and that you (and your mom) heal as best you can from this pain. Some may criticize you for it, but the fact that you made a solid effort but cut yourself loose before it dragged you further down is far and away the least bad choice here. Takes tremendous strength.
Hi Mark,
Thank you. The “least bad choice” is right.
– Natasha Tracy
Mark says some heavy truth. Unfortunately, I am dealing with something very similar. I found your article about walking away and railed on you. Yet, I stayed and have been a follower. Like yourself, I have a sibling that has a substance abuse problem. He is also severely mentally ill. My whole life has been colored by his illness and stints in and out of the legal system. Tonight, I am thinking of him after reading this and am very sad. Recently, he was sent to prison. He had two 30 year old felonies and this last one was his 3rd. In the cold heart of Texas, that means you’re offered a 25 year minimum sentence for your 3rd felony because of the Draconian 3 strikes law. Now get this — he was arrested at the beginning of the year for scaring people at a cellphone store with an orange plastic toy squirt gun. A toy that squirts water. The state of Texas charged him with a felony – terroristic threat. He was in the throes of psychosis after going for help. Going for help is encouraged and he actually went this time. He doesn’t normally do that. The hospital psychiatrist blatantly overlooked his intolerance to haldol sending him into a life threatening situation which got him transferred to a regular hospital for over a month. Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome (NMS) is a serious condition resulting from an intolerance to haldol. The doctor was made aware and still gave it to him. He did everything he could to not be given the medication to include spitting out pills (as noted in his hospital records). He responds best to Seroquel and upon admission told the staff he was allergic to haldol. My mother also told them he was allergic and about the NMS. But no, the quack of a psychiatrist thought she knew better. The $143,000 hospital bill to treat his NMS and rhabdomyolysis is still unpaid. Worse, he lost his job and decompensated bringing him back to psychotic-land and into a cellphone store with a toy squirt gun. After arresting him, the police put him in a padded cell without any medication for a few weeks. This sent me to the edge. Mind you, my mother was by his side while he could barely talk, walk and had to wear adult diapers while trying to recover from NMS and rhabdo. So, you can imagine the insane amount of stress that all this put on my mother and me. Then came the justice system with its heartless lack of insight. The State of Texas offered my brother a minimum sentence of 25 years for waving around a plastic orange toy squirt gun. Think about that !!! So do I stay or do I go ? My mother is almost 80 and this about killed her. Me, I just kept fighting simply because this is UNJUST. He was stabilized in jail and then plead to 5 years in prison to avoid trial. How do I wrestle with my own ethics ? Do I stay as a lighthouse or do I disappear to live a life without him ? Depending on my mood, I oscillate between these two options. There is no right or wrong —> it all feels wrong. It’s not my job to fight society, yet this is on my plate. Like millions of people, I could just look away. That seems like the easier choice. Maybe it’s the same choice; however, I’ve spent my whole life helping my brother. My brother has a brain defect — it is seen in his behavior and thought process. Do we just throw the mentally ill into the streets ? I’ve lost friends over my decision to speak up, write letters and stay involved. I’ve spent over 25 years in Alanon. People are still closeted about mental illness so do I just not talk about it ? These are decisions I face every day. Prisons are not hospitals, yet they are a place to house people. Some of those same people will become homeless. As a society, what do we do with individuals who are medically impaired ? What do I do about any of this ? All I can say is that I do what I can. Right now, I’m trying to manage my anxiety as most likely my brother will still be around when/if my parents die. He may get out of prison before 2020. I try to speak up about prison reform and civil rights, not just about mental illness. I was so angry when I read your piece on walking away. You wrote that a few years ago. Part of me desperately wants to walk away. If I were trapped in a body with a malfunctioning brain, I hope someone (preferably alot of people) will speak up for me. Today, I dont have to make any major decisions. I sure hope I’ll be able to make sound decisions (based on what is important to me) if the need comes along. Believe me, I understand where you are at. Sadly, I live it and it’s extremely painful at times. Hopefully, we will both find some peace within ourselves regarding our choices and not be put in an unbearable predicament. The odds are against our brothers getting well, yet it’s not impossible. I want a bright future for everyone. I would also like to be the Queen. Of the two, being Queen is more probable. Haha…and that’s pretty impropable. I have to do what’s best for me, and I am pretty much stuck making that decision on my own. I wish this burden was removed from us both. Reach out to me if you want to compare notes.
Hi Natasha
Great article
So true and heart felt
Had your mom gone to al anon?
It can be a big help
Also a counselor or therapist
Thank you
All good thoughts??❤️
Hi Linda,
I’ve talked to my mother about reaching out to various avenues. She hasn’t had the best experiences doing that. I’m continuing to encourage it, though.
– Natasha Tracy
I’m so sorry Natasha.
Thank you.
I can relate. My son has a major drinking problem for 12 years now. And he doesn’t want to quit, in spite of the addiction costing him friends and lots of money. I’m considering an intervention.
Come on, Natasha. You know as well as the rest of us that the Bipolar Dog take can take over our bodies and minds and leave nothing but a Hobson’s Choice, a Catch 22, when there is only one painful option left to survive, to avoid even greater pain: When there is only one way left to stop the incessant pressure from others to “do the right thing to get better” but you know in your f###ed up mind, that solution will require us to accept even more pain than we are in right now. What do we do? We do whatever it takes to keep them off our case!