On the topic of pregnancy and bipolar disorder, I have said before, I would choose not to have children because of bipolar disorder. I’m not saying this is what every woman with bipolar disorder would choose, I’m saying that with my particular brand of bipolar, with my particular situation, with my inability to live off of medications, I would choose not to get pregnant because of bipolar (Medical Research on Bipolar Disorder and Pregnancy). I believe that, ultimately, it would be unfair to bring a life into my mess. It would be selfish. It would be me “wanting” a child above me considering the welfare of the child. And that’s not something I would ever do.
And while I know the choice is mine entirely, it doesn’t feel that way to me at all. While I know I could get pregnant (or, at least, I assume so), and it’s me that’s choosing not to get pregnant because of bipolar, I feel like my back is against the wall on this thing and that not having children is the only thing I can do. I feel like the bipolar has taken away my choice. All the other women out there get to decide if children are right for them based on, mostly, lifestyle choices (although, of course, some other women carry genetic risks as well) and I don’t get to decide because bipolar has forced my hand. Bipolar has taken away my choice around bipolar and pregnancy.
Being Pregnant with Bipolar Disorder
As I said, I truly believe that this decision is best for me and best for any child who would be thrown into the mix. But, on some level, I would like to have a child. My decision never to have one is right and logical and reasonable but it doesn’t override the ticking baby clock that so many of us have. It doesn’t stop me from feeling like women have kids. It’s what we do. It’s what our bodies were built for. It’s our thing. And, somehow, by not having children, I am less of a woman and, likely, less of a person.
(Please understand, when women out there decide not to have children, for any reason, I respect that choice and don’t think those things of them. These are just my feelings about me, which aren’t necessarily reasonable or rational.)
Bipolar Disorder and Loss of Choice
And, like I said, I feel like my bipolar disorder has taken away my ability to make a choice around bipolar and pregnancy. The only choice, if I’m a caring and loving human being who wants to protect children, is not to have children.
And that’s a big fucking choice to take away from someone.
And the thing about bipolar disorder is, it takes away so many choices. It takes away your choice not to take medications every day. It takes away your choice not to be under medical care at all times. It takes away your choice not to be on a schedule. It takes away your choice of not prioritizing your mental health above all else. It takes away so many day-to-day choices that it makes my head spin.
And this one more choice that bipolar disorder is taking away seems untenable to me. It feels like the latest in a strong of affronts designed to grind down my humanity. (She said as she took her second batch of pills for the day – medication used to treat medication side effects.) I do, not infrequently, feel like I live a life of “have tos” rather than a life of choice. Of course, I can make any choice I want but the opposite of those “have to” actions will just make me sick. That’s bipolar taking away my choice and making all those choices for me.
This pain feels worse because I’m depressed, I know. This pain feels worse because bipolar depression doesn’t think rationally, I know. But this pain is real and it hurts.
You know, when all is said and don’t, sans bipolar I might choose not to have children anyway, but the loss of the ability to make that choice is what just rubs my soul the wrong way.
[And don’t bother telling me not to swear. I think sometimes it’s the best way to express a thought.]
I feel like the larger issue with respect to bipolar is the sleep deprivation that is inherent with being a mother to an infant. I personally would not want to go through that or the extreme pain of physical childbirth. I feel like natural childbirth is overrated and adoption is a much preferable option, but I think this is a minority view.
Hi MM,
Sleep deprivation was definitely part of what I considered when I looked that decision. There are many factors that are so hard to deal with.
(Oh, and I always that childbirth was barbaric. But that’s probably a minority view too.)
— Natasha Tracy
0Looking for advice please.
My partner and I had been together for 5mths and got pregnant which we planned. The pregnancy was a nightmare, she changed into someone I did not know. But we got through it and had our baby Jack. Very soon afterwards just as we were getting our relationship, back on track, she got pregnant to me again. And I noticed the change again happen in her. 2.5 months ago she just flipped out and left but I did not let her take Jack as she was to emotional. Lawyers were involved straight away and an interim order is in place giving her 2 nights per week with Jack which took 7 weeks to get in place. She saw Jack twice in seven weeks and that was with a mutual friend supervising as she would not have visits with me or any of my family. The legal advice I was given was to hang onto Jack until a legal order was in place. So we are now 4.5 months pregnant she is just blaming me and hating me like no one I have ever known. She has said she will never forgive me for those 7weeks, and therefore no chance to reconcile. I have offered her couples counciling, she is not interested. She did not let me go to the scan of our new baby, and just told me via an email that it’s a girl. I was excited and asked to see a picture of the scan and she refuses to show me. And has also told me to make it hard for me. I am going to have to prove its mine, and apply to the courts for visitation. Etc…. Her mother is bi-polar and I’m wondering if this has effected her mind set. I still love her even though all the nasty things she is doing. I want us all to be a family and happy like we once were. Any advice would be grateful . Thanks in advance
Natasha, I think of it similarly to you. With my brand of bipolar disorder and my ability to cope with stress I would not be a suitable mother. Even of an adopted child. My husband has suffered from unipolar depression and anxiety and he feels the same.
Even before my diagnosis I was too ambitious to have kids. The thought only passed my mind when I was maybe 30, self-medicating heavily with alcohol. I have been on disability for most of 11 years now and am now 45. My husband is 58. Having a baby can’t happen. I’d freak out in so many ways and surely be hospitalized. Honestly, I’m still struggling with getting myself back into a better situation. Sometimes I don’t properly handle myself. How would I properly raise a kid?
I take medications that reduce the effectiveness of hormonal birth control. And frankly, birth control I think didn’t do my moods any good anyway. I was on a copper IUD for a while. My body rejected them. So sterilization is the only choice. Unfortunately my husband would not have a vasectomy. I don’t fully know his reasons, but that did anger me. Now I have other gynecological issues (cervical polyps) so my gyno said a tubal ligation might be worth doing at the same time as getting rid of the polyps. I see the gynecologist again tomorrow. Now I’m worried about the after affects of the tubal ligation. I read that up to 30% of women who get them have various issues that can cause depression and anxiety. Great! Just great! Not that I don’t deep down feel kind of sad that this is finalizing my “never to become a mother” anyway.
Not only is the moods issue relevant for raising kids, the taking meds during pregnancy, the meds right after pregnancy, but a few others too. How about money? I’ve been on disability for so long, had 10 hospitalizations, 12 IOP programs, numerous meds, some of which cost beaucoup dollars. Where is the money to raise a kid in my situation? That’s another thing to think about.
There’s nothing more crushing than wanting something but knowing rationally that you shouldn’t. You’re right–the urge is still there and the clock still ticks. Everyone seems to be playing “happy families” around you. You certainly don’t get the empathy and sympathy that the physically infertile get. It’s so hard not to engage in social comparison and rage at those who have choice. This self-imposed infertility due to BP and a long family history of other mental illnesses has probably been the most heart-breaking parts of my life so far.
My mother and I both have bipolar II and my sister has bipolar I. My son is too young to know if he’s bipolar, but he has a number of medical issues and some mild developmental ones. I love my family – along with many challenges caused by our collective moods plus a history of trauma, we had lots of love and laughter and creativity, and it wasn’t a bad family to grow up in – and I certainly don’t regret having my son. He brings real challenges, but he’s awesome, and I think I’m a pretty good mother. I know he will grow up with loving, engaged parents who value kindness and critical thinking, who will listen to him and support him through whatever challenges he has to face. We’re not perfect, but I think we have enough going for us to justify bringing a child into this messy, often painful world.
I will say, though, that I experienced my first psychotic symptoms during pregnancy (I was not on medication at the time), followed by severe postpartum depression. And there are times when I’m afraid that I won’t be able to adequately care for my son due to depression and/or agitation. I think having people around who can step in when the mother is unstable is important, and honestly, I need more of that. There are some very serious things I would have to consider before having another child.
I can relate to this post in so many ways. My husband and I got married a bit late as we had both gone through a divorce at one point. We wanted to have kids right away, so I went off my bc even before the ceremony. Long story short, we ended up having to do IVF, EIGHT times. Got pregnant twice but miscarried early on both. We were devastated. So we moved on to adoption. It was less than a year that we were matched. We adopted him as an infant and he is so perfect. That was 9 years ago.
Four years after our baby came home,I had a huge manic episode that landed me in the psych ward. I was too out of it to know what was going on. When I finally got some meds in me, I had some time to think in the hospital. I could not believe what I remembered. I was diagnosed with BP1, rapid and mixed states, PTSD, and ADHD. I had been working full time at the same company for 12 years and loved it. Managed 40 people! Where did this all come from??
Obviously it was devastating to my family and my life. In and out of outpatient programs, hospitalized a few more times. Also had some major physical things that popped up. My son remembers me being in the hospital a lot. I was absentee for a long while.
I feel especially horrible because I adopted this wonderful child and had no idea what was coming. Living with me can be very tough. There are many times where my husband just has to take it over from me. If he gets difficult (like all kids are at times), then I usually go downstairs by myself and recover.
I feel guilty every.single.day. Had I any idea I would end up with this horrible illness, would never have even tried in the first place. He is in therapy once a week since he was 4 and sees a psych for his own ADHD. We try, but it’s not easy. I feel like I’ve ruined this little guy’s life!!
I effing HATE bipolar!!!! It’s a curse.
Made the same decision for 3 Bipolar reasons, fear of going crazy w/wo meds, fear of a bipolar child and fear of meds hurting my baby. I had an abortion for these reasons. I don’t see anyone I know that had the suffering I endured from this illness. People just make light of it. I resent that so much.
Just to give you some background before I share my view. I’m a Psychological Therapist and I work for my local area’s Primary Care Mental Health Team. I’m 28 and my girlfriend who is 30 has Bi-Polar. Since taking medication her life has changed, it’s changed so much that she feels, for the first time in her life that she could be a Mum.
I would also love children one day too and it would be an honour to raise a child with any disability. I fully understand a lot of the comments and decisions that a lot of these commentors above have made, but I think it’s easy to discount a lot of the available support Bi-polar suffers would have around them both during and after pregnancy.
It would be encouraging to see more Mother’s and Father’s with similar struggles talk about their positives experiences. However I fear that nobody will want to read or publish such evidence/positive experiences. If anyone is reading this please look at both sides because this is not a black and white issue and having Bi-Polar does not mean you can’t have children and does not mean the option is completely taken away. In addition if you are pregnant you automatically go the top of any NHS therapy waiting list and would be heavily monitored by very capable clinicians.
I’m not criticising any of the above comments and I think that mental health needs to be talked about more. My only message is don’t discount the potential positives because that in my humble opinion is taking away choice not the neccisarily the mental illness.
Bipolar disorder symptoms may differ from person to person: they vary in their pattern, severity, and frequency. Some people are more inclined to the manic stage, others – to the depressive stage. And some may have these stages progress evenly. For more info please visit undepress.net/what-is-bipolar-depression-description-and-definition/
Natasha,I too have made that decision not to have children. I have bipolar depression and my Grandfather, I believe had it to although never diagnosed. He self medicated with alcohol, could not work and eventually his liver wore out. I just could not pass this misery on.
The best way I have dealt with this is to spend time with other people’s children on good days. It brings me happiness to play and love them but not give them my issues. It still sucks though to have to weigh all of the pros and cons. I do wish though that even the “normal” people would weigh them too. I believe some people should never have children but they don’t give a thought about it and what kind of parent they will be.
I think that anyone with any kind of genetic disorder is a very responsible person to give much thought to how their disorder could/would affect a child. Thank you and all who shared their personal experiences with this.
I am 47 and don’t have much chance of getting pregnant these days, but I’ve often wondered what I would do if I did. Can’t gestate the kid because meds make the womb a toxic waste dump; won’t go off the meds; don’t want an abortion because, well, I don’t. (Your mileage may vary.) However, note this statistic: In the United States, 42.4 percent of women between 15 and 50 had no children at any given time. (http://www.infoplease.com/spot/momcensus1.html) So not having children isn’t as unusual as it might seem.
I have the worst form of bipolar disorder and I mean it is BAD. It’s NOS…there is no rhyme nor reason to it, I’ve had mania, depression, rapid cycling, mixed episodes, etc., you name it, I’ve had it. I go through every possibly crappy combination of horrible symptoms there is. Total disability at age 30. I recently had a total hysterectomy in the small hope it might reduce my minute-to-minute rapid cycling and suicidal impulses. I have kids. It was a 100% selfish choice because I was a complete basket case when I had them and I knew full well how messed up I was. And lucky them, one of my kids inherited bipolar disorder (on top of having autism), the other inherited ADHD and OCD from her dad. Both have anxiety and panic disorder. Our lives are very, very difficult. We are constantly at a doctor’s office. 1/3 of our income goes for medical and pills. We filed bankruptcy 2 years ago because of medical bills. We survived somehow. I’m a less than stellar mother, but there are many who are much worse than I am. My kids seem to think I’m fantastic despite my problems, and my husband is still with me after 18 years of a lot of hell (he suffers from OCD, social anxiety and panic disorder). I worried for 14 years that one of my kids would inherit bipolar disorder and my worst fears…it just HAD to be the one with autism, didn’t it? It was a mess, he was hallucinating, delusional, and suicidal. It sucked. The worst thing in the world, the most heartbreaking thing is to hear your 15-yr-old autistic son ask,”Can I just die? I want to be with Grandma.” I threw up after he was out of hearing. I had to fight the school to get him an aide at the same time we were trying to get his bipolar under control, and my own bipolar was spiraling. We somehow all lived through it. We have a lot of tough times, but we have good times as well. The minute they were able to understand, we taught them about bipolar disorder. “Mommy is crying because her bipolar is making her too sad and you can’t make her better. We have to wait and she will feel better soon.” And now I tell them “I know you feel depressed. Don’t be scared by your feelings, they will pass.” They’ve both seen a therapist since they were 3, so they could learn to live with a bipolar mother and learn to deal with their own issues. It’s definitely different. Our family has different priorities than other families. But it works for us. I’m sure some people think I shouldn’t have had kids. I don’t know. In some ways, we’re normal. We camp. We swim. We laugh. We fart in the general direction of each other and laugh when another person walks through it. The kids are musical, they sing and play piano and ukulele. We love to eat out. I don’t care what other people think anymore about my choices. This isn’t an ad for bipolar women to have kids. It’s just my story. I have a sister and a (male) cousin make the choice to remain childless due to their respective mental illnesses. There is no “right” or “wrong” choice. It’s just a difficult road to travel if you do have children. Probably not for everyone.
I agree its a tough one. I chose to have children..3 of the blighters, and now they are all grown up. I was very ill after each of them, and it has been tough each time i landed in hospital. 1 has bipolar himself now. i don’t think i would change my decision, but i wish i had been more informed. I agree, it is a HUGE decision. I must say I have launched 3 people into the world that are able to be aware of and care for those with poor mental health. this disease takes away so much, for me my memory from ect , my creativity, my relationships,
Swear away, Natasha. I didn’t know I had bipolar disorder when I chose to become a mother. I was diagnosed with dysthymia; although, I knew I likely had, at the very least, cyclothymia. Once I got the diagnosis of bipolar type II, my son was 27 months old and still nursing (he loved it and I was a pushover). I had to abruptly wean him, as Depakote is not safe for nursing infants or, in his case, toddler. I proceeded to put my son in daycare and reenter the workforce due to my own fear of parenting my son now that I had the diagnosis of bipolar. I believed that I was all of the sudden a dangerous mother whose son was better off in the care of someone else. I was wrong. In spite of the challenges of bipolar disorder, and those challenges are real, I’m a good mother. I work hard to be a good mother.
But, motherhood is challenging, especially if you are struggling with a serious mental illness. Not only is motherhood challenging, but the hormonal changes of pregnancy and childbirth can trigger and worsen bipolar disorder. I respect your choice. If I had known my diagnosis before I chose pregnancy, I may have made another choice. My husband and I created a wonderful, gorgeous, brilliant son who is burdened with migraines, anxiety, and depression. He’s had a tough neuroatypical life with challenging high-strung neuroatypical parents. We do love one another, though, deeply. It’s been worth it.
I made that same decision for the very same reasons and it does suck but it would suck more to have a child and be so depressed that I couldn’t care for it properly. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Honestly, even getting a dog was a huge decision for me for those same reasons. Sometimes I think maybe I’m too responsible when I look at people who do choose to procreate.
But what I knew when I chose to be sterilized 25 years ago was that I couldn’t live with myself if I selfishly created a little person who completely relied on me and then let them down. I’m grateful that I was able to make a rational choice.
Thank you for covering this aspect of bipolar that effects all women and their ability to become mothers if they want. In the branch of my family that the bipolar/schizophrenia expresses in about 90% of individuals for the last 4 generations. It would be almost guaranteed that my child would have the same set of extremely early onset and treatment resistance. I could never pass that on intentionally. I wasn’t diagnosed until 30, but had already decided that between the abuse of my own bipolar mother and the fact I already had ‘issues’ from the age of 4 or 5, that being a mother wasn’t for me. All that said, I’m a 42 year old woman who gets societal pressure, and cultural dirty looks for not being a mother. I will admit I take very little medication now, and have greatly improved, so I could probably go without for the length of a pregnancy, but what if I had a mood episode that did require meds? In those times, not treating can be disastrous.
I agree that bipolar fucks you out of a lot of possibilities in life, and I do resent it. I miss my nocturnal work habits, not having meds rule or wreck my life, not having to think that every time I start coming out of a depression I’m about to launch into mania. I have tried everything but ECT, and I’m drug sensitive and treatment resistant. I agree with you generally that it’s a choice we didn’t get to make freely, and I really do resent that my genetic history was a bigger factor than if I wanted children in my situation. Thanks as always for really relevant and useful coverage of difficult subjects.