Or, am I a bad person?
Some people believe that if you do “bad” things then “bad” things will happen to you. If you don’t help the little old lady across the street, then a car splashes a puddle over your brand new shoes. That sort of thing. Conversely, if you do help the lady across the street, doing “good,” then something good will happen to you like getting your favorite table at a restaurant. It’s the basic concept of karma (religious underpinnings notwithstanding).
“Good” and “Bad” People are Convenient
This is a very convenient view of the world suggesting that things will “even out” somehow. That bad people will “get what’s coming to them” and that good people will be rewarded in the end. And on some level we’re all taught this and believe it to some extent. Why do people do the “right” thing when no one’s looking? In the back of their mind, part of the reason is selfishly because they want good things to happen to them too.
And that’s all well and good until you realize this: bad things have happened to you. Bipolar is the worst thing that ever happened to me. Does that mean I’m a bad person?
“Deserving” Bipolar Disorder
On some level, people believe they “deserve” what happens to them. It’s a way of exercising control over our own destiny. If you deserve it then it’s because of something that you did and that’s something you can change. If you got a raise you earned that raise and you deserved it.
But then that means we deserve the bad things too. We deserve to get fired. We deserve to be cheated on. We deserve to get bipolar disorder.
I’m not suggesting this is rational or even conscious, but somewhere, deep inside we think it. Especially if we happen to be depressed.
Karma is for Kids
Suggesting that life evens out is simply a pat response given to children or people too ignorant to comprehend the complexities of existence. Oh, that boy just hits you because he likes you. They only pick on you because they’re jealous of you. Those answers are perfectly acceptable – for a six year old. As an adult we realize that people don’t hit us because they like us and people don’t pick on us just because they’re jealous. Life’s more complicated than that.
Similarly, the idea that life’s “goodness” evens out is just nonsense. Bad shit happens. It just does. It happens to good people. It happens to bad people. It just happens. You can’t control it. It’s just something you’re going to have to learn to live with.
Why Do Bad Diseases Happen to Good People?
So no, getting bipolar disorder doesn’t mean you’re a bad person or that you did anything wrong. It was just a random twist of the universe. And it’s unlikely that it’ll even out elsewhere. One of the things you’re going to have to accept is this lack of fairness and this lack of control. Because we all face those things, people with mental illness though, perhaps more than most.
Interesting. I just wrote a blog post on CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy), and while researching it, I ran across a cognitive distortion that I wasn’t taught in CBT classes: The Fallacy of Fairness. This post really explains it well…
I see that you are strongly entrenched in the medical model.
I hate to see this, but am concerned by this division amongst those with lived experience who go on to help others with recovery (peer support).
My lived experienced label was “paranoid schizophrenia.
I subscribe to the ideas of Dr. Peter Breggin, madinamerica.com and theicarusproject.net.
Any ideas on how I can resolve the division (at least within myself and how I approach others) in the movement of Mad people who go on to help others?
I understand your article, but I find it very hard to accept.. I was born innocent. I feel like my life was already destroyed before I came out. I look back and see all the signs but that was such a long time ago and psychotherapy wasn’t even a word yet and our city of 100,000 may have had to shrinks.. This is how it is . I cant come to terms with it because I live with it, if this is what you call living. I breathe…Its HELL !! . Its SAVAGE. Its CRUEL. No rest, no peace, no feelings. Scared to death. My son and wife do not deserve this at all. The guilt I feel is unbearable. It has gotten so bad over the last 7 years and I am 59. Every day I cry. I cry for help and nobody can. I cry to the doctors and they look at me cross-eyed. You say its something I have to learn to live with.. Ok, When do I get my Bachelors degree let alone PHD in learning to live with it since I have been trying to all my life…There is no god.
Why bad things happen to good people wasn’t really answered. Believing we are “bad” or good” and maybe deserve what happens to us isn’t the reason why, because there really is no reason why. The universe with all it’s matter and energy is really a chaotic place; maybe there is some order in certain places, but that order will always fall into disorder eventually because of the random-less events constantly occurring.
Bad things happen to good people just because. We got the short end of the stick, maybe we were by chance dealt a bad hand. There’s no REASON.
We just have to remember that even though bad things happen it’s not our fault and we don’t deserve it. When I was a child my grandmother always said people get what they deserve. Maybe that’s because she got a pretty good deal with a stable financial situation, a husband who loved her, and a career she loved in nursing. But she was wrong, because if anybody didn’t deserve all those things it was her. She was a cold, mean, unkind person who judged others mercilessly.
People don’t like to think about how much chance plays a role in their lives because it is frightening, it’s in a way a lot easier to believe things happen for a reason. But the fact is we just have to live with whatever luck hands out whether we like it or not.
I actually find that realizing that there is no reason other than chance is freeing because then there is nobody to blame, not me or anyone else. The fact that we got a bum deal sucks, and I know when I am at the very bottom I really which I had a reason why, because if there were a reason maybe there would be something I could do about it.
I guess in the end it’s all about acceptance and that is really hard to do when you see some people who much better off than we are. Do we deserve to suffer? No. But suffer we do and somehow we have to get through it- and a lot of us don’t always get through it, how many of us have tried to end it at one point or another?
But the last question we have to answer for ourselves is not what meaning there is in what happens to us, but in what meaning do we give to our lives? Because even though we do suffer, often very badly, each of us must find our own meaning somehow just in order to get through each day.
Thanks for writing this. My ex-husband is bipolar and suffers from depression. It has been a year and half since our divorce and he still can’t let go of me. I try to help him in every way, including giving up dating because he causes so much drama with whoever I am dating, me and himself that it just explodes badly.
His mental dependency on me is bringing me down and sometimes I feel like I just deserve it for not being able to deal with his mental issues anymore. We have a child together and still share a business that I will be selling. I am even thinking of moving to another country just so I can have a life, but can’t yet because I still have a child at home.
I wish he could move on, but realize that he won’t ever be able to. I enjoyed your article and feel that it helped me. Thanks!
Hi Crack You Whip,
Rest assured, you don`t deserve it. You don`t deserve to have your life blow up because of someone else. You deserve better than that. Hopefully you can get there without changing countries.
I`m glad the article helped :)
– Natasha Tracy
Dear Natasha,
I’m in love with much of your writings, thoughts and especially your logic. That’s what brought me to your sites in the first place and continues to do so. But then again I guessed you would have already surmised that.
We may have differed on some points and issues from time to time and probably will do so in the future but of the many, many sites I’ve come across and read through the years you consistently do not spend valuable time faulting, blaming and the other negative attributes that I consistently read elsewhere.
This current blog of yours immediately drew my thoughts to the hundreds of thousands devout believers killed by the tsunami of 2004 and I’ll leave it at that.
Despite all your personal challenges I marvel at what I consider your “groundedness”.
As always I wish you wellness and all the good you’d wish for yourself.
Warmly,
Herb
vnsdepression@gmail.com
http://www.vnstherapy-herb.blogspot.com
Hi Herb,
You are too kind. Thank-you for such compliments.
You are correct that I try not to take time to fault and blame for an illness or my life in general. I don’t think those things are reasonable so I just don’t do them. Or at least I try. I suspect I am not perfect.
“Despite all your personal challenges I marvel at what I consider your “groundedness”.”
Thank-you. I work hard at it and at the words.
– Natasha Tracy
There is always that aspect in ourselves that try to indict us for being what we are or what we should have been. The environment, I reckon, places a big role in this: we are made to think about what we are supposed to achieve; and when we do not meet that standard, we end up as losers and you’re the only one to blame about it. Same thing with bipolar disorder: MOST people think that the reason for being sick in the head is that you have CONDITIONED YOURSELF to it. This mentality then slowly ingrains itself within you that, the last thing you know, you’re getting overwhelmed and eventually end up blaming yourself in the process.
True this sounds unfair but I believe this is one opportunity for someone who’s afflicted with bipolar disorder to get going despite the fact of an illness which other people stereotype so much. Through the simplest of what we can do about life, we prove unto others (and ourselves) that nay is being bipolar our fault but what had just occurred to us at random since… the bipolar is somehow wired that way. No one is to blame because it just happens. This is regardless whether you’re “good” or “bad”. Some people even say that goodness and badness could be relative, anyway.
I believe you are probably right and that there is evidence to support this. A rather well-known psychologist at Manchester University in the UK once told me that his referrals for treatment lept up after many large UK companies, local government and various Police and Fire Service bodies took up the US-born Total Quality Management (TQM) programmes and forced the TQM mantra of “get it right first time” upon their management teams. TQM systems were said to make it possible to “get it right first time” and eliminate errors and the indoctrinated TQM “Police” would hound anyone who dared to doubt the TQM model, while the poor junior and middle management saps who failed too often to “get it right first time” were made to feel they were failures BECAUSE they DIDN’T get it right first time”! The TQM system was claimed to be perfect; therefore, if your work output was less than perfect, then YOU as a user of a TQM system must be imperfect … So, the psychologist was presented with many (more than had ever been the case before) management level patients who had been crushed by their supposed “imperfections”.
Hi Harryf200,
Huh. That’s odd, never heard of it. It does seem like the most counter-productive thing I can think to do to a company. Making mistakes is natural and typical before “getting it right.” We all need to try out different solutions to find the one that works best. And yes, the indoctrination of “perfection” is highly harmful (it was done to me as a kid).
I’m just speaking from experience in the tech world but there mistakes are expected. Or so they told us anyway. Creativity tends to find many bad solutions before it finds a good one.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Reira,
The environment is something, but not everyone experiences a self-blaming environment. Plenty of people grow up believing that _nothing_ is their fault (regardless as to mental state).
I do agree about the suggestion of conditioning though and being overwhelmed seems to be a constant problem with mental illness and the pressure of trying to “make yourself better” certainly doesn’t help.
And yes, I think “goodness” and “badness” is entirely relative and not really concept I believe in much (hence all the quotes in the article). But that doesn’t mean the concepts don’t exist in our head regardless as to how relative and personal they may be.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Natasha,
I thought this gives interesting insight to why we are inclined to blame ourselves! Pascal Bruckner wrote it in its original French version. Do read the whole thing if you get the chance! :) or maybe, you’ve read it before?
” Sadness is the disease of a society of obligatory well-being that penalizes those who do not attain it. Happiness is no longer a matter of chance or a heavenly gift, an amazing grace that blesses our monotonous days. We now owe it to ourselves to be happy, and we are expected to display our happiness far and wide.
Thus happiness becomes not only the biggest industry of the age but also a new moral order. We now find ourselves guilty of not being well, a failing for which we must answer to everyone and to our own consciences. Consider the poll, conducted by a French newspaper, in which 90 percent of people questioned reported being happy. Who would dare admit that he is sometimes miserable and expose himself to social opprobrium? This is the strange contradiction of the happiness doctrine when it becomes militant and takes on the power of ancient taboos—though in the opposite direction. To enjoy was once forbidden; from now on, it’s obligatory. Whatever method is chosen, whether psychic, somatic, chemical, spiritual, or computer-based, we find the same assumption everywhere: beatitude is within your grasp, and you have only to take advantage of “positive conditioning” (in the Dalai Lama’s words) in order to attain it. We have come to believe that the will can readily establish its power over mental states, regulate moods, and make contentment the fruit of a personal decision”
http://www.city-journal.org/2011/21_1_happiness.html
Hi Nic,
I don’t know that I agree with everything Bruckner is saying there. I don’t believe that happiness is a rare as he suggests it is. I believe happiness is the exception but it is the rule for the average person. No, not skipping through the daisies happiness, but a certain sense of wellness and self-fulfilment. Sadness is not the disease of society obligation. Sadness is the disease of the brain.
I think he suggesting that we aren’t meant to be happy and I just don’t buy that. I think we have the right to happiness.
– Natasha Tracy
I absolutely agree Natasha. BUt then I also have to admit it took me a long time to feel comfortable with this, but when I did it made a big difference. Thanks. :-)
Hi Cate,
It took me time too. The first thing I wanted to do was blame myself but eventually I came around.
You’re welcome :)
– Natasha Tracy
The realisation that “none of this is my fault” has to be one of the most liberating things to strike us after being diagnosed. It tells us we are not bad people, we are not weaklings, we are not just a pile of dog’s “doo-da” for the flies to play on.
But that does not mean we can absolve ourselves from all responsibility for our mental well-being because there are several things we can do to help ourselves reduce the risk of triggering mood swings, or to lessen their extremes. Not all the time. But some of the time. I’m thinking of simple things like getting into a routine and sticking with it, like going to bed at the same time and getting up at the same time, too; eating properly; trying to get some exercise, etc. However, it’s a lot easier to tell people what they ought to do than it is to do it yourself …. :¬)
Hi Harryf200,
I agree, it is liberating to have the revelation that it isn’t your fault. It can take some time to get there, but once you do it can be like a weight is being lifted.
Of course I agree that we can’t abdicate responsibility for our condition. I’m constantly writing about how to manage the illness but there’s a big difference between taking responsibility for something that isn’t your fault versus understanding that your responsibility is just dealing with the fallout of a bomb that you didn’t ask to be dropped.
– Natasha Tracy
Exactly!
(You articulate that truth better than I!)
:¬)
Hi Natasha,
I do concur with this… That sometimes, we don’t bring the illness upon ourselves, but rather, it just happens. But it’s tough, living in a world steeped in rationality and personal choice/ accountability/ liability that comes with being a responsible adult. Surely it’s my fault for “choosing” depression, right?
But, sadly, blaming myself doesn’t get me any closer to figuring out exactly what I’m doing wrong and I do feel utterly stupid for not being able to fix it. I’ve tried therapy but… Sigh. It’s not working out.
Thank you for being a ray of hope in this gloom; someone who is down to earth in the midst of all these people coming to me from their high moral grounds.
Hi Nic,
It’s not that _sometimes_ we don’t bring the illness on ourselves it’s that we _never_ do. No one chooses illness. Not ever. Depression is biological as is bipolar. http://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/breakingbipolar/2011/04/biological-evidence-for-depression-mental-illness-exists/
Now, I’m a big fan of accountability and I preach it all the time, but here it’s just not appropriate. Obviously, we have to take responsibility for ourselves and our illness, but not at having _caused_ it, just at having to deal with it.
And you’re absolutely right that while blaming ourselves might be natural or normal, it doesn’t help one whit. To be clear, you’re not “doing anything wrong” even though you might feel like you are. It can take a very long time to come up with successful coping strategies for an illness, but that doesn’t mean there was anything wrong with you before, you were just learning. We all need to learn and we’re all different so it can take some time.
I’m sorry therapy isn’t working but maybe it just isn’t working _yet_ or maybe it’s not the right kind of therapy or therapist for you.
Try to be a bit more gentle with yourself. You deserve it :)
– Natasha Tracy