Making a Silk Purse Out of a Sow’s Bipolar
Many people feel that with this site, I have taken something terrible – bipolar disorder – and turned it into something positive – this site, my writing, etc. People feel that I have taken all the agony and sorrow and turned it into an ability to help people.
And true, those people are right, but I’m not sure how I feel about that.
Turning Bipolar into Something Good
I mean, I feel good about creating a valuable resource and I feel good about helping people but I’m not sure I’m comfortable with this notion of something good coming from bipolar. In my experience, nothing good comes from bipolar.
Now I know, some of you are going to tell me to “reframe” the issue. Look at it from a different angle. See the good in everything.
Well I say poppycock. I don’t have to see the good in a debilitating, disabling disorder. I don’t have to do it. And I won’t do it. And I won’t be a part of telling other people that “something good comes from bipolar” either.
I Don’t Care About the Good, I Just Don’t Want to be Sick
I would give anything not to be sick. I would give anything to not to have to see doctors. I would give anything not to have to take medication. I would give anything not to be bipolar. Bipolar has taken everything in life worth living for. It’s not a blessing. Bipolar’s a curse. It’s a god-forsaken, torturous, life-killing curse.
Yes, I get it, my professional persona is one of confidence and wellness and sanity. But that is not the way I live. I live in a tight, cramp, painful, shearing, agonized existence where I simply try to scrape by day after day. Like many people with bipolar disorder.
And yes, I know some people have found things to celebrate in their disorder. If this is you, that’s good for you. But I haven’t. I haven’t found anything in the loss of life worth celebrating.
So maybe it’s true – maybe (or, OK, definitely) I wouldn’t be the person I am without bipolar disorder. But that’s OK with me. Because maybe I would be happy and untortured, and I would give anything just to be that.
Famous Canadian TSN sportscaster, Michael Lansburg, who was nominated for the prestigious Gemini award is also believed to have a networth $1 to $5 million. He suffers from depression and anxiety and did a documentary called “Darkness and Hope: Sport and Me” that was nominated for a Candian screen award. I met him in the elevator once when I was on my way to one of his presentations, “sick, not weak”. A surprisingly short, extremely nervous looking little guy. For me I found his empty presentation to be filled with false hope, especially coming from a place of such privilege.
Sorry but I have to say all these famous people are the exception, not the rule! They certainly aren’t living my reality.
I also believe it’s a myth that bipolars are considered more creative. What a load of crap! That’s simply hogwash! It is also said to be true of left-handers. Well, I’m left handed and bipolar and I sure as hell don’t have a creative bone in my fucking body! Maybe if I did… nevermind, I’m tired of ranting now. I need a nap, LOL
I recently saw a picture of Demi Lovato and Kevin Hines together posted on his website. I seriously doubt if Kevin hadn’t been adopted (both his parent were bipolar, and addicts) or given the attention and support he was lucky enough to have received, surving his famous suicide attempt that he would not have been as financially successful at finding meaning or purpose in his life. I read somewhere that at age 39 his estimated net worth is between one and five million dollars. I seriously doubt he would have the privileged life he has if his circumstances had not been as favourable
I total get why Demi Lovato, diagnosed bipolar, tried to hide her use of cocaine and Xanax for as long as she did. It helped her fuction more effectively as a bipolar entertainer, than any psych meds ever could. I’m pretty sure if she actually took bipolar medication, as prescribed she would not currently be fucking millionare. I recently read somewhere that she’s worth 33 million dollars and only 28 years old!!!
Honestly, I think you’d have to be some type of savant to be considered truly “high functioning” when it comes to bipolar. Most bipolars I know, (from my support group) if they are “high functioning” at all, are typically only functional in a few areas of their life, but rarely in most
They’ll always struggle to some degree or other because the bipolar is not curable. It can only be managed and usually not very well. I think we’d all be better served if pdocs were less dismissive of their patients concerns especially when it comes to medication side effects
Medication is more effective at tamping down mania/hypo amania but generally it does very little to deal with the depressive side of things
So yes, it’s like trying to make a silk purse out of sow’s ear. You might be able to fashion a rudimentary purse out of it but for damn sure it won’t be made of silk!!!
For instance, I work because I have to, I have no one else to support me (it’s either that or live on welfare) but I typically have little energy, interest or motivation to do much else. That NOT what I’d call an ideal life!!!
The reason mania is so enticing, at least to me, is because it’s sorta like (what I’d imagine) your brain to be on cocaine. Whereas depression is more like being drunk on alcohol or some other downer where your feelings become numb and your all your thinking and reactions are significantly impeded.
Medication often come with a sedative side effect. If they could just come up with a more effective way to deal with the depression I think I’d be amenable to taking the medication as prescribed.
i am a 17 year girl that is inspired to create a blog from reading some of your posts based on my bipolar. I was diagionsed a couple of days ago. and i can tell you that there is something good that comes from bipolar if you learn to control your destructive side it is like a balance if you let your anger take control to much then your creative side goes away and hides behind the anger because it can’t be focused on if all you let out is your anger. you have to find something that brings it down and allows you to focus on the task at hand. if you practice this then keep in mind it will be very difficult and you will fail but if you catch yourself and move on and learn which is another hard thing to do then you can progress and your gifts will show because with every curse there has to be a spell that breaks it. so basically what i am trying to say with my 17 years of experience if you learn to control your anger frustration, depression and the times when you don’t want to do anything and you just fight it. i promise you that even when you think there is nothing special about you there is God wouldn’t give you anything you can’t handle i mean when i am have my creative side turned on and i am focused on that i become an artist, a writer and a successful student i have learned its what you make it if you make life a a hell hole you will in turn receive the worst experiences. You change your mindset and think about the positive side things and what good can happen you start to become a better person. i think its what you make life to be you see it as a gift it will then become one, not right away but in due time it will become one.
Your right!
Thank you so much for your blog and for this post. I have only recently been diagnosed with bipolar because for years my family and friends dismissed my cries for help as being “dramatic” and “sensitive” and “emotional”. My male friends chalk it up to my gender. I am crippled with this disorder and even get angry when someone simply asks how my day was. “Fine.” Because no one wants to hear that I cried hysterically in my car as I do everyday.
I will continue to sift through this blog, the connection and relation is simply priceless.
Bless,
Ray
What a load of old toss. If you don’t like the highs and lows then take your bloody lithium. It works. Bipolar gives you periods of intense creativity and productivity…thats a positive. My Psychiatrist said there is an evolutionary reason why the bipolar condition has not been bred out of the human race..it imparts an advantage. Look at all the historic figures who have had it. Yes, of course it can be destructive, but it can also be incredibly creative. if thats a problem control it! and stop whinging
And for some of us, lithium doesn’t work. So we try drug after drug and combo after combo after combo until they destroy or body before we find what works
Actually the reason why its not most likely been bred out is because it generally doesn’t get bad until after the traditional ages of reproduction – not the current ages but the traditional ones where people generally have their kids before they’re 25ish. Couple with the fact that bipolar disorder is a combination of genetic and environmental causes means its not subject solely to evolutionary pressures.
Also remember that evolution is survival of the fittest, not elimination of the weakest. Its a subtle difference but means that negative traits aren’t actively removed from the population pool, rather “successful” traits become more frequent.
Finally, go suck lithium yourself; enjoy the mind fog, the stomach upsets, the monthly blood tests, the possibility it can screw your thyroid, and all the other lovely side effects!
Ah, the myth of the creative bipolar. I’ve been an actor for 20 years and bipolar has been enormously damaging to my career. There are directors who will never work with me again because I slipped into hypomania/mixed moods when working with them, and behaved appallingly. I would do anything to have the guarantee that I won’t be frozen with anxiety or taken over by paranoid delusions when I’m in the middle of a scene. I’m only recently diagnosed and haven’t worked in theatre for three years because of the panic/anxiety attacks.
Stephen Fry is hugely annoying because he’s become the face of glamorous bipolar, the epitome of the creative urge. He’s a privileged toff who’s been allowed to get away with it because he’s a celebrity. If he wasn’t famous, there’s no way he would’ve been allowed to get away with walking off a play. And the fact that he’s now given a wonderful nine week rehearsal/six week preview for his current appearance in an all male Twelfth Night makes me seethe. It shouldn’t, I’m just jealous. Because for him, bipolar works. For me, well, it’s all but killed my career. Which is a tragedy because I’m awesome ;)
Amen! Well said. For the past couple of months I’ve just been scraping by day to day. When I don’t know how to verbally express what I’m feeling I read your articles and you say it – say it for me. Thanks!
I feel the same way. She puts words and thoughts logically and impact-fully. I am so scared by my schizoaffective disorder. Every day is an internal war- bloody, ruthless and lethal to all things positive. The last ten years since my first mania episode has been hell and left me a shell of my former self. I’m a self loathing mess; the blog posts help ease the torture ever so slightly so thank you. I wish i had the productivity and follow-through you do.
” In my experience, nothing good comes from bipolar.”
Thank you, Natasha. I hear so many entertainers and others, when asked if they would choose bipolar if they could live their life over? Yes…yes…yes. What planet are these people from?
Have the side-effects been invigorating? Do you like seeing pharmacists once a month?
Do you really like being hospitalized? Do you yearn to see old friends in a holding cell?
Did you prefer massive weight gain or total sexual dysfunction on that med?
Do you like the summer feeling like the darkest winter? <<My first recollection that something may be wrong with me.
Thanks Natasha. I'm very impressed with your intellect and your ability to speak effectively about what the bipolar life is really like.
I used to think that bipolar gave me a sense of empathy I wouldn’t have otherwise. That it tried and refined my character in a way that would never have happened in other way. Now I realize that I was silly and that all the pain, side effects, memory loss and scars (literal and figurative) were not neccessary for my development. There are many ways to grow up, and mental illness is NOT the only way that I could have.
Hi Natasha,
This post is fantastic. I’ve grown so sick of hearing the same tired “but look at what an empathetic/sympathetic/artistic little ray of sunshine you are because of your bipolar disorder” refrain.
Seriously?
I would give anything- and I mean ANYTHING- to live without this illness, to erase every bad memory related to it, to repair every friendship and romantic relationship it damaged or destroyed.
I can’t take a magic pill to rid myself of life experiences so I try not to dwell on it, but this post is a breath of fresh air.
People are entitled to put whatever spin on it they want (whatever works, right?) but I agree with you.
Thank you.
Hi Leslie,
Thanks so much. I think it speaks to how many people receive the trite responses about the “upsides” of bipolar disorder.
“I would give anything- and I mean ANYTHING- to live without this illness, to erase every bad memory related to it, to repair every friendship and romantic relationship it damaged or destroyed.”
I know. I know and I’m sorry. That’s a painful statement.
“I can’t take a magic pill to rid myself of life experiences so I try not to dwell on it, but this post is a breath of fresh air.”
I try. :)
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Natasha,
I found an old post of yours recently and wrote a post on my blog about the issue. Just thought you might be interested; http://infinitesadnessorwhat.wordpress.com/2012/06/05/without-hope-2/
Hi Cate,
I left a comment but I believe it may have been eaten. Thanks for reading my piece and thanks for your thoughts on it.
– Natasha Tracy
I guess my question is before you were diagnosed, how did you feel about life and act? How did you see yourself. After diagnoses how did you feel about life and act?
I’m not really sure since I’m still figuring this all out. I do a lot of photography and looking back, the quality of my work when I’m manic is way WAY better than the stuff I do when I’m on an even keel.
I’m still not sure what I’d trade for what.
I’m pretty sure you’d not have to trade them. I have a friend, a poet and writer. She is seriously Bipolar. She found she wrote her best poetry when she was in a manic phase. When her doctors finally found a cocktail of meds that kept her stable, the creative juices dried up, but she knew it was still in her. She just searched to find a different way to reach the creative store, and she did! The poetry is now slightly different but it is just as good as it ever was.
Thanks Harryf200.
I choose to believe that the creativity locked inside (of all of us really) doesn’t _need_ bipolar to get out. We have control over it – like your friend did. We can make it work for us when we’re well.
I certainly do.
– Natasha Tracy
You sure do! :¬)
I guess some folk just need the first burst of hypomania to realise there is that potential locked inside them. After that, as you know, we just find another way to access it because it’s there and always was – we just didn’t know it before the BP.
Hi David,
In my experience – you’ll figure it out. Those of us with high creative streaks find ways to make them work without the illness and many of us are much more creatively productive without the illness standing in the way. You can fold what you learn from your mania into your non-manic self and use that to create a better photographer – one who isn’t ill.
Things are always _different_ between crazy/not crazy, but the creativity doesn’t have to be less. It takes time to work all that out though so take a breath and take things one step at a time.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Whitney,
Sorry, I don’t understand your question in regards to this topic.
How did I feel about life pre-diagnosis? Well, pre-diagnosis I was very sick so I didn’t feel too positively about life, me, or anything else.
Before I got sick I was a pretty positive person. I was very happy and thankful to be away from my parents (I was at university) and I was thrilled to be going to school and learning so much. I don’t recall how I saw myself, exactly. I was pretty young, I’m not sure I really had time to develop a strong opinion.
After diagnosis things did not get markedly better for two years as that’s how long it took to find the right medication. Once the right medication was found, I returned, in large part, back to my pre-sick self, although older and wiser. And I acted like an overly-mature 23-year-old because I was always overly-mature. I also acted like a skydiver. Which is crazy in its own right. And I acted like a student, because I was one. And an employee. And a friend. And a girlfriend.
– Natasha Tracy
So far everything sounds not so much crazy but realistic. I feel like there can be good in being sick. I like to think that when people get in a rut, of course they are not themselves particularly. It’s not being able to bounce back and forth at a speed that most people are used to.
I get very euphoric during my manic periods, I am on cloud nine and have even thought I was famous. I know that sounds silly because in a way it is but I wasn’t hurting anyone. In fact from the natural ego boost I was at my healthiest.
The downside to mania is getting too confident to where I hurt myself. Before I even knew what mania was, before it was explained to me I of course refused to be labeled.
After diagnosis, dealing with Dr.s and getting medication, I can’t really say that there hasn’t been good from my sickness. Some things are not in my control but it’s not like I am unconscious, over time with my sickness I’ve adapted, becoming more aware, studying my new “sickness”.
I am not okay right now, but am doing a good job of wearing the mask because I don’t want to deal with exposing how I am really feeling. It is exhausting physically and mentally to keep the mask on, but even more exhausting to take it off. I know I will eventually have to tell my doctor and therapist the truth and go through medication changes (which can leave me useless for days or weeks). I will have to tell my family because I am finding it harder and harder to jump up at 5pm, and pretend I didn’t spend my entire day either sleeping or wishing I was sleeping.
When I am depressed instead on hypomanic, I don’t find my self creative at all. You can count me as one who would gladly give up my bipolar in a second.
Hi Norell,
Sleep seems to be the only cure most times.
— Burt B.
Oh yes, I agree with you about sleep. I have a nap most mornings before going to work. I work with children and find that having the midmorning nap gives me the energy to face the afternoon. This applies especially when I have had a stressfull week.
Unfortunately, there really does seem to be something to the connection between the creative spark and bipolar. Sometimes people in bipolar families–people from bipolar families tend to marry people from bipolar families–who don’t have bipolar get the spark, but a lot of times it goes with the bipolar.
I talk about the bipolar genes as good news/bad news genes. The good news is there’s a high chance you’ve got the creative spark people can’t beg, borrow or steal such that you might actually be able to make a living in the arts. Even fly high in them. The bad news is that you have this horrible, horrible, crippling mental illness.
It’s not that the creativity is a good thing that “comes from bipolar.” It’s more a good thing that comes along with the same genes. I’ll take a cure for bipolar *and* keeping my creativity for 500, Alex.
At the same time, I think part of the nature of the “spark” that inspires us in the arts is that the arts communicate emotion and we experience the world much more intensely. That intensity of experience comes through in our art, communicating itself to the “consumer” of the art. Art is, in its way, like a drug–it’s a way for normal, healthy people to experience our intensity in tiny, controlled doses, and only when they want to. That’s why they can see it as so great. It is great–when you can hold it down to tiny, controlled doses, only when you want it, and only the flavor of intensity you want, exactly when you want it.
It’s easy to resent arts consumers who say what a great thing it is that bipolar people create all this great art for humanity. It helps–some–to realize that they really “know not what they do.” They have no frame of reference for understanding the sheer price in human suffering someone else is paying for all of that, and that no, it is most definitely NOT a good thing.
It’s a hard choice to make, how I present to people. On the one hand, if I let them know the truth of what my life experience is really like, I get cut the slack allowed a person with a major disability. But I also get all the burdens that go with that, like being treated like a lame duck and a liability. You’re off the “potential mate” list forever, because who wants to hitch their wagon to a dead weight boat anchor? (Which is the typical perception, if we’re candid about our reality). You get all the burdens that go with being a clearly lame duck in today’s society.
On the other hand, if I present to people with a mask of mostly normal, even though I’m barely hanging on by my fingernails, I have the problems listed in this thread that go with having an invisible disability. But at least I get to be treated like a human being. I have the positives that go with being able to “pass” in society. I have the positives that go with telling the truth about my situation to a couple of very, very close friends who know the reality of how close I am, every day, to falling apart into little, tiny pieces.
I think it says a lot about the way our society treats disabled people as a whole that most of us with “invisible disabilities” to some degree cooperate in perpetuating that invisibility. We choose to “pass.” I’m not beating up on us by saying this. I’m saying that it’s a sign that society needs to continue to examine how it treats people with visible disabilities. If society weren’t treating them badly, there wouldn’t be so much relative advantage to “passing.”
My theory is that many (all?) of us possess the latent ability to be highly creative but we suppress it – e.g. we believe we can’t draw and that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. However, BP in manic/hypomanic mode, releases us from inhibitions, allowing our latent creativity to escape, at least for as long as we are hypo! But the creativity is still there – we just have to find another way to unlock it when we are not hypo. My own experience of this w as in seeing an ink drawing on sale; hypo as I was, I declared I could do better, walked into the art shop, bought a set of pens and ink, and returned home to draw. It took just three practices to produce what I still believe is an excellent drawing! I’ve not drawn since because I achieved what I set out to do – to prove I could draw a much better picture than the one I saw on sale.
Some people’s ideas have more fire and sparkle than other people’s. You can tell it from their art, their music, meeting them. There are some people who are aspiring writers or musicians or whatever who you know will never, ever make the big leagues because they just don’t have that “spark.” The fire isn’t there. And it seems to be something you have or you don’t. You can’t beg, borrow or steal it. You can’t acquire it. It’s the difference between brilliance and permanent mediocrity.
Seen it over and over again, read it in slush. There are some people who you see their work and you read their prose and their plots and it’s grammatically correct and it’s “nice” but it’s just…meh. Like oatmeal mush. Two people can get up and sing or play the same song, note perfect, and one of them will have you nodding, “Oh, that’s nice.” and the other one will pick you up and sweep you away.
It’s not just about inhibitions, it’s about how brightly the fire burns in your soul and the ability to put that fire and soul into your art. And with normal people, they may be able to put their soul into their art, but their fire just doesn’t burn as bright.
As a science fiction author, at conventions I’ve gotten to know a lot of fellow authors over the years, a lot farther up the food chain than me. A lot of them don’t have bipolar, but they all have that intensity and fire we tend to have. Because you can’t do the job at a high level without it. They all feel things more sharply than regular people.
Recognize I’m trying to describe the Muse, and She’s not very friendly towards being firmly described and put in a little box of linear thinking. People have been trying to define this stuff out for a long, long time.
Just realize that publishers deal with certain known aspects of artistic temperament in their golden geese, “Authors are just like that,” precisely because you *can’t* hand a normal person a beer to drop their inhibitions and get decent art out of them. There are unbelievably huge numbers of wannabe novelists out there, many of whom have good verbal communications skills, great grammar skills, they know the technical details of plot and foreshadowing and what a protagonist is and all the stuff they can teach you in college English lit classes.
But getting good art out of them–by which I mean something that has that “spark” that draws a reader in and makes him want to keep turning pages–is not as simple as teaching them a formula for a genre novel and handing them a beer to drop their inhibitions. They sure wish it were. And it would be much easier for the publishers if it were, because they could pay sweatshop wages and get 9 to 5 type cubicle workers who are much easier to manage and always make their deadlines–or can be fired and replaced with workers who do.
But it doesn’t work that way. And while the large majority of people with “the spark” are not bipolar—since bipolars are a small fraction of the population—if you take some random person out of the population who’s a wannabe artist and is not bipolar, and some random person who’s a wannabe artist who is bipolar, the bipolar person has a distinct leg up on the competition. But so does some random person who’s a wanna be artist who’s from a bipolar *family*—-but doesn’t have bipolar.
That doesn’t mean it’s a good thing to be bipolar. It sucks. It also apparently usually takes more than one bum gene to end up getting sick with bipolar. Meanwhile, everybody else in the family who’s got only one bum gene and isn’t sick has the leg up on being extra special creative *without the down side*.
So you’ve got something a bit like sickle cell anemia. No genes, you live in a malaria hotspot, you’re likely to catch malaria and die. One gene, you’ve got some anemia problems, but you’re immune to malaria–big survival advantage. Two genes, it’s lethal, you die.
A whole lot of our family members who don’t have bipolar have extra chances at being talented because they have *some* of the genes for getting sick, but not all of them.
We got a bum roll of the dice and are sick. It really sucks. We’re still creative, and it’s a consolation prize, but no way is it good enough of a consolation prize to make up for the suck of being so sick.
But across the whole run of our great big extended families, all the family members who aren’t sick but have special talents, genetically it’s been worth it that every once in awhile they turn up a sick kid to take care of, who either doesn’t make it past a certain age, or becomes the crazy aunt in the attic, or whatever.
Pretty much, it just sucks to be us.
Hello Everyone,
I would like to be part of this conversation, so if you allow me and indulge me, I would like to take the most current comment from Julie and then embed my comments.
Here Goes:
Recognize I’m trying to describe the Muse, and She’s not very friendly towards being firmly described and put in a little box of linear thinking. People have been trying to define this stuff out for a long, long time.
That’s because you have spherical thinking and that is a taboo in this society and civilization because in order to advance you must have liner thinking.
Remember when what ever level of education you were pursuing that there were kids that just banged out the stuff with no problem and zipped through the pop quizzes ?
A week later they could care less about the info…
But, us… oh no we were contentious and desirous of doing the right a proper thing and we had a deeper sense and warmth and caring about the whole process…
Vastly more intelligent than the herd but ruthlessly ridiculed for being the odd ball.
Just realize that publishers deal with certain known aspects of artistic temperament in their golden geese, “Authors are just like that,” precisely because you *can’t* hand a normal person a beer to drop their inhibitions and get decent art out of them. There are unbelievably huge numbers of wannabe novelists out there, many of whom have good verbal communications skills, great grammar skills, they know the technical details of plot and foreshadowing and what a protagonist is and all the stuff they can teach you in college English lit classes.
But getting good art out of them–by which I mean something that has that “spark” that draws a reader in and makes him want to keep turning pages–is not as simple as teaching them a formula for a genre novel and handing them a beer to drop their inhibitions. They sure wish it were. And it would be much easier for the publishers if it were, because they could pay sweatshop wages and get 9 to 5 type cubicle workers who are much easier to manage and always make their deadlines–or can be fired and replaced with workers who do.
But it doesn’t work that way. And while the large majority of people with “the spark” are not bipolar—since bipolars are a small fraction of the population—if you take some random person out of the population who’s a wannabe artist and is not bipolar, and some random person who’s a wannabe artist who is bipolar, the bipolar person has a distinct leg up on the competition. But so does some random person who’s a wanna be artist who’s from a bipolar *family*—-but doesn’t have bipolar.
That doesn’t mean it’s a good thing to be bipolar. It sucks. It also apparently usually takes more than one bum gene to end up getting sick with bipolar. Meanwhile, everybody else in the family who’s got only one bum gene and isn’t sick has the leg up on being extra special creative *without the down side*.
Yeah, the downside completely destroyed me and my family, financially, mentally, emotionally and otherwise — I had chose to drop all of my career and marriage aspirations to care for my elderly parents because the family dynamics of 3 sons was that the 2 older ones, (I’m the youngest), wanted to ‘ kill the king and take the gold ‘ and spend it upon their own lusts.
Negative.
He earned it…
He passed in luxury.
Now, being new to this community, here is one of my ‘ swhing ‘ of track dis-jointed off-topic posts.
Without excuses are as abundant as you-know-what… I have been shot with over 1500cc(s) of Thorazine many times….
um… since the chemical compound is related to paint thinner or dye…
Yeah… that had to burn some circuits… methinks.
So you’ve got something a bit like sickle cell anemia. No genes, you live in a malaria hotspot, you’re likely to catch malaria and die. One gene, you’ve got some anemia problems, but you’re immune to malaria–big survival advantage. Two genes, it’s lethal, you die.
A whole lot of our family members who don’t have bipolar have extra chances at being talented because they have *some* of the genes for getting sick, but not all of them.
We got a bum roll of the dice and are sick. It really sucks. We’re still creative, and it’s a consolation prize, but no way is it good enough of a consolation prize to make up for the suck of being so sick.
I have some answers for this after researching esoteric literature.
But across the whole run of our great big extended families, all the family members who aren’t sick but have special talents, genetically it’s been worth it that every once in awhile they turn up a sick kid to take care of, who either doesn’t make it past a certain age, or becomes the crazy aunt in the attic, or whatever.
I’m on disability and I live in the family home as a eccentric recluse.
Pretty much, it just sucks to be us.
4-10 aka 10-4….
I do have some whys and wherefores if you are so inclined to pursue this further.
Sincerely,
Burt B.
I think it has something to do with distorted thinking… if you can capture it in words, music or painting…….. it gives you extra edge of over people who’s brains work “normally”.
I do get obsessed with words, I get totally deconstructivist, I question every detail out there, everything in the galaxy…. I look for meaning where there is none. I see connections others don’t. While you are in midst of such state, it ain’t pleasant, because one doesn’t chose to drift away……. or it’s not compatible with normal life… but when you get out of it, you still can remember… and if one has ways to capture it…. yes, it makes us more artsy, because “normals” cannot make this shit up. You cannot pull psychedelic out of your ass… you just can’t.
I just wish I could switch it on and off, so I can deal with the pesky interactions with the world and have my alternate reality as well.
But would I trade normal for those moments when I am manicky, walking barefoot in streets and feeling history under my feet and wind in my hair and I know world is spinning and all makes sense all of sudden? Hell no. Even if there’s perfectly miserable moments when I wish to perish…….. the good ones are worth it. so worth it.
I just wanted to say… I’m newly diagnosed (but I knew I was broken for a long long time) and this conversation here has been like a warm blanket with a puppy and my youngest daughter giving me a hug.
Seriously.
You all have no idea (or maybe you do) what a relief it is for me to know that I don’t have to be afraid of these feelings and that it’s fine for me to not feel OK.
I’m finally almost at the point where I can just come to terms with the fact that most days I feel I’m being crushed by the World, crumpled up and tossed into the cosmic wastebasket. And I wear the happy face and everyone around me thinks I’m doing fine but I’m not.
But it’s OK. Now I know what I’m up against.
So thank you Natasha for running this little community and thank you all for helping realize that I’m not the only one.
Hi David,
I, and I’m sure my commenters, are happy to help remind you that you’re not alone. Realizing this fact and accepting it can make all the difference in the world for a person and yes, it can be puppy-lovey.
And for what it’s worth, I completely understand where you’re coming from. It’s natural to be scared of powerful emotions that feel so out of control. And yes, it _is_ fine for you not to be OK. Around here you never _have_ to be OK.
I’m honoured if I could help you. Drop by any time, OK or not.
– Natasha Tracy
“we wear that mask to convince people we’re OK, and then we get upset when we succeed”
This is my problem in spades. I am so darn good at the mask that no one sees the pain and torment that I actually live in. Most people see nothing at all even though inside I am screaming for help. Even people who know I have bipolar and who I’m willing to tell when I’m seriously depressed give me less sympathy/support than they would when I have a cold, because they can see the cold. Although I admit I will usually minimise and say that I’m a bit down so as not to come across as needy (*so needy, I really need you now*). I don’t understand how people miss that I have died even though I’m still walking around and functioning.
I don’t want to be normal, but I would love to be eccentric instead of ill.
Ellen – thank you so much for putting into words what I’ve been feeling for so long. I’m finally at the point in my life where I can just accept the fact that I’m not OK. And that’s fine.
Hi Ellen,
Welcome to the club :)
I know how hard it can be to have an invisible illness. Many illnesses are invisible and people who suffer from them often complain about a lack of sympathy from others.
I think it’s understandable. It’s very hard for people to understand what they cannot see. If someone told you, for example, they had Lupus, how would you react? Do you know that illness? Do you know what a reasonable response would be? Do you know how much or how little help that person would need?
My point is that there’s a learning curve with any disease and people don’t know what we need until we tell them. We have to get against our best judgement, which normally keeps us safe by hiding the symptoms, and actually tell people what we’re experienced in a real, open, honest way. You can’t minimize what you’re experiencing otherwise how will anyone else know the truth?
And yes, people miss it because they don’t _want_ to see it. They don’t want to think that someone they love is ill.
In the end, _we_ have to bite the bullet and be honest if we want the kind of real support we need. It’s not fair to assume people will know something we never tell them.
“I don’t want to be normal, but I would love to be eccentric instead of ill.”
Well said.
– Natasha Tracy
For me is funny when some people poke that bipolar is cool , most of them even never experienced those states. Another people says how is good to be creative, yea thats bipolar (cause we already automaticaly know), but those people don’t undertsand what they have it’s coming from their entity, me myself and I. They are more lucky than other ones who are more struggling. So we have big misunderstanding like a marketing, cause of blunt people like Stepehn Fry. No disrsepect for him, but he just obviously raise disorder. Many overestimate how many creative persons do we have with bipolar disorder. So what ?? Nobody thinks those people could be the same with all that given creative nature features or even more, without disorder. All in all it’s just excuse. E.g. Look at Kanye West, he is so eccentric and “flying” ;D and talented, but he ain’t bipolar cause he multi-talented. ;)
I think personal struggles are inspiring and driving force of art. With many musicians I liked their music when they were troubled…. when they got clean and happy, their music got bland and dry.
SO as much as bipolar and other struggle don’t produce talents…. they do often drive it. Because we been to places where others had not, and if we are able to express it… it is intriguing for others. That is why people love Kafka, he could describe the dark side of being well… because he been there. Things occured to him that don’t occur to most…. that is what made him special and fascinating.
Yep, what you’ve mentioned, just, is one side of the coin :) Don’t get me wrong, but I am saying people who declare that disorder is like a saviour or gives inspiration, happiness, it just make me smile at least. Why some of them could not say ou I am happy, cause now I am healthy I can do many things, taker care of my daughter and so on. There are everywhere unlucky people, just to say that, but I never have seen a human without legs to be happy by his statement, cause he is without legs. That’s just abnormal. We are humans, and we are living by nature principles how to survive and specialize by best circumstances. Learn and try hard, then keep it postive.
Hi VenusH,
You make a good point that pain or adversity drives art. It _is_ experience (although the experience could be good) that drives a person to create.
But, the thing is, there are plenty of nasty things out there to drive people to create art without lumping a mental illness on them. There’s more than enough to pain to go around already.
– Natasha Tracy
Hi Ernest,
You’ve basically touched on one of the issues I have with people saying bipolars are “creative.” Well, this might be true, but how creative could they be without an illness weighing them down? I think this comes from the notion that people are trying to make sense out of the illness and find a reason to have it that redeems it, but nothing does and that reality is too hard for most people to sit with.
People say similar things about people with bipolar being “smarter” that others but in fact, the opposite is true according to the research – people with bipolar disorder actually have cognitive deficits.
– Natasha Tracy
I’d say it’s an even split for me. I can’t say it’s a 100% good or bad. There are benefits, but there are also ugly downsides. Not having to take meds, see doctors and all of that would be great, but being that I am bipolar and knowing those things help me keep some sense of sanity is a blessing. I would be fully committed if these drugs didn’t exist. Eliminating putting my family and myself through living hells would be nice as well. I enjoy the creative side of me that I believe is part of being bipolar. I don’t know. I don’t have much of an argument either way, though one thing that scares the crap out of me, is being so far gone in a mania or depression that I never come back and I don’t think that is a fear I should have to live with.
Hi Midnight Rainbow,
Well that may not be a fear you should have to live with, I agree, but it is a very real, rational one. It’s something that can happen to any of us at any minute. We can do many things to avoid it, of course, but there’s no telling the specific path any one person’s illness will take. It’s just one of the unpleasant realities I would gladly trade for a life bipolar-free.
– Natasha Tracy
Yes, I agree. Your writing here is good and it helps people. It does not come from bipolar, it comes from you. If you didn’t have bipolar, you would have written anyway.
I am all for looking on the positive side, but being realistic, I will say, far less eloquently than you did, that bipolar disorder sucks.
There have been many creative people in history who have contributed great things. Some of them had bipolar. Most of them didn’t. Many more people, I am hazarding a guess, were restricted by bipolar from achieving their potential, than were people who were helped by having bipolar. The creative achievers with bipolar did it in spite of their bipolar, not because of it.
Hi Sarah,
I think you sum things up nicely there. Whatever greatness we achieve is in spite of the bipolar.
– Natasha Tracy
Good things from bipolar or good things from finally being diagnosed? I see great things in both.
The good in being diagnosed is I finally know what the hell is wrong with me and that in itself has stopped one of the looping, crushing, mind numbing questions that rolled in my head more often than not and took up valuable space in my mind. Rents not cheap lol.
Changing my way of life completely, abandoning the fruitless life of trying to chase down what I was always told was success ( perfect house with the perfect job with the perfect wife, 2.5 kids the dog the cat, 2 cars and a partridge in a pear tree! ).
For god sake embrace the strange! Embrace the dark and the light! I finally stopped trying to stuff my odd shaped life into someone else’s square box. My expectations now fit me instead of me trying to fit the worlds expectations, my journey.
Good things about actually being bipolar, creativity, energy, vibrant life the ability to see beyond the now in ways and insight like no one i know and no one can take that off me. Except maybe my psych when he screws with my dose lol.
Dark disturbed thoughts, the bleak soulless world that has been created for us to live in to conform to, to see that and speak out against the repression of self for others comforts. But see Im a fringe dweller from way back so maybe being completely odd to start with has helped me embrace the completely odd now.
Sure I would love to be well but never normal, sure bipolar devastated my life but I think it was more that i myself and people did not understanding me rather than the illness. But more to the point not knowing what it is and how it works did more harm than the disease itself.
I don’t have to reframe my bipolar now as i am coming to understand the symbiotic relationship i have with it. Somedays it likes to play up but then again so do i lol. Somedays it likes to piss and moan and lay on the couch, so do i. Now I just make sure that the friends I have know the warning signs and know how to help and keep an eye on me. That they have the numbers to call if I’m in crisis.
Does this make the depressions any less devastating or dangerous? No it doesn’t I just have support now.
Does this make mania and the madcap ideas I have any less delusional? No it doesn’t but friends take notes now lmao.
And if I’m in a mixed episode I clean the house since I’m partly OCD anyway. Which by the way loves my mixed episodes, and by god does it sparkle when I’m done!
A final note. In everything the above doesn’t always work, but when has any plan survived fist contact?
Hi Callon,
As you’ve pointed out there certainly are good things to being diagnosed, but not so much what I mean :) (Probably a good idea for a post though.)
And just for the record, I personally have no problem with the strange. I rather enjoy it, actually. I’m not one for normal (note the hair).
“Good things about actually being bipolar, creativity, energy, vibrant life the ability to see beyond the now in ways and insight like no one i know”
Yes, I did write about insight and enlightenment with bipolar disorder and creativity is well known as well.
And it sounds like you have a pretty good attitude around your illness that works for you and might take you pretty far, so good on you.
– Natasha Tracy
I think it’s hard to get people to understand the distinction between “I want you to treat me well” versus “I am well.” I’m not well. I’m not okay. I’m not actually competent to take care of myself, but I am taking care of myself because there’s nobody else to do it who would be a better choice. I’m taking care of myself, with whatever screw-ups come with that, because I’m what I’ve got.
I deserve to be well-treated, because I’m a human being. And sometimes I function well enough to do some pretty cool things. And I’ve got some amazing talents that sometimes shine through in spite of the bipolar. And some of my creative spark I probably owe to those bipolar genes. But having bipolar disorder really, really sucks. It sucks that my brain is broken. But I’m not too fond of people who haven’t walked in my shoes trying to make lemonade with my lemons.
That, let alone trying to take anything I do manage to achieve, or anything anyone else with bipolar manages to achieve, and holding it up as a nagging tool to beat up other bipolars with. “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” Yeah, I’m not too jazzed about them pushing Pollyanna Sunnybrook in to make lemonade with your lemons, either.
Maybe the next time I get business cards printed I’ll also get some cards printed with the donation information for NARSAD. I’ll put a line across the top of the card that says: “Platitude tax: $___” so I can fill in the blank to suit the crime. Normally either one or five dollars.
Even though it stands for National Alliance for Research on Schizophrenia and Depression they do research bipolar. It just didn’t fit well in their acronym. All of their overhead is covered by an endowment, so every donation dollar goes directly to fund research.
So maybe that is one constructive answer we can start making to people’s ignorance. Just tell them that platitudes are unhelpful–here, quit that and do something useful. Whatever words work. There are all kinds of useful ways to play the (literally) put up or shut up card.
I’m not affiliated with NARSAD or anything.
I guess I’m lucky (if you can call it that) because my diagnosis was so recent that I really haven’t thought about telling anyone beyond my pDoc (obviously) and my Wife (also obviously).
I’m making a list though, of friends and relations I should tell. The criteria is need to know, can handle the news and will react in a way that’s helpful and supportive. It’s a very short list.
Hi David,
Making a list is a good idea. I never thought of it, personally, but I like it. Hopefully your wife is in your corner because it’s much easier to work out from there if you have someone by your side. Then, at least if someone does have a bad reaction, you always have a backstop. So many of us don’t get this.
But tell people in your own way and in your own time. And you may find that list will grow as you get stronger, get more tools and get more acquainted with your illness.
– Natasha Tracy
David, I suggest you broadcast this widely among your family, even if you choose not to discuss it with them, because they, or their off-spring may develop the illness given that it could be lurking in their genes, too. So, they and their doctors need to be aware of that, so they can look out for it rather than suffer maybe 10, 20, 30 years of problems without a correct diagnosis, as if often the way.
Hi Julie,
Such a great comment. I love the notion of other people making “lemonade from my lemons.” Darn right that’s what people are trying to do and darn right I don’t like it. And as you said, your talents shine through _in_spite_ of the bipolar and not _because_ of it.
And I just don’t think there’s anything wrong with saying it that way.
Let me know how the business card idea goes. Charging people for platitudes? I like it.
– Natasha Tracy
I am one of the people who see good in bipolar. I am not rainbow spewing optimist. I come from the Eastern Bloc and we be cynical and rough here, so don’t blame me of being sheltered and wearing rose colored glasses.
Then again… I do not consider bipolar “illness” per se…. it is a dangerous gift. It’s like playing with fire…. you gonna get burned at one point, but for the moment… I do enjoy the moments. I learned to tame the worst of it…. and I DO like my intensity. I don’t *want* to be normal (because what is normal anyways in this world…).
And even if I wanted…. this is what I am. I get low and deep. I am a dark person. I get so dark that probably Franz Kafka would not want to hang out with me for being too depressive. And I get retardedly manicky and out there…… but that is what I am…. there is no cure. Even conventional medicine seems to risky for me (and does it really work? does it?). So I can either whine about it (I do it still a lot) or I can say, well, this sucks, but let’s move on.
And there are still things that are worse than having bipolar. Heck, I rather be bipolar in 1st world country as I am, than “normal” in Gaza strip (or other places where you cannot really keep your sanity anyways). As much as statistic claim “bipolar kills”, unsanitized water, cholera or cluster bombs… kill much more on global scale. And with bipolar…. one stil has power and choices, even if we are out of it and crazy at times…..
Hi VenusH,
And you aren’t the only one to see it that way. Some people do see it as a “dangerous gift.” But I think it’s important to remember that we all have very different experiences of the illness and some of us get more positive overtones than others (and others get far more painful ones).
Truth be told, I don’t mind my intensity, but the rest of the world seems to. That’s the trouble. Even when the disease isn’t directly handing me pain (which it does most days) it hands me other things that _cause_ pain in the long (or even short) run.
(And yes, conventional medication works for many, but I suspect you know that.)
– Natasha Tracy
“(And yes, conventional medication works for many, but I suspect you know that.)”
from what I seen it works, until it doesn’t…
I don’t know… ya still get bad episodes with meds. You still are bipolar and unpredictable. If somebody sold me internet router with such efficiency, I wouldn’t say it “works”.
My point was that, we are stuck with this. I know you praise medicine and believe in science, but with doom-and-gloom post like this… it doesn’t seem to add up.
I think it’s not just about experience (I really don’t have just happy-go-lucky bipolar)… it is about perspective a lot. Most vitalistic and I’d say somehow optimist people I met were people from ex-Yugoslav countries. I always adored it in them, how full of life these war children are… and one would not dare to call their childhoods and lifes easy and wonderful. They had their losses and traumas, but they were happy to be alive and have chance at life………
Some things are just what they are, you mourn, you cry for a bit… and then try to move on and learn from it. Things do happen for reason. What ifs and idolizing what “normal” is… waste of time. Everybody has their crosses to bear anyways.
Hi VenusH,
You are right, medication _does_ work until it doesn’t, although for many this can be a very long time. http://www.healthline.com/health-blogs/bipolar-bites/what-do-about-drug-tolerance
Lots of people with severe mental illnesses wouldn’t be able to survive or live on their own without medication so it’s pretty important. But no, it’s not a router, but then, neither is chemotherapy or any other drug for serious illness.
We are stuck with this, I totally agree. But “optimism” is a product of your brain just like everything else and as I’ve been saying in another conversation – people with severe depression aren’t capable of feeling it. They _can’t_ feel happy or optimistic. It just isn’t possible for them.
So for all the people out there who _can_ feel that way, then good for them, that would be a tool to use, but I’m not down on the people who can’t. They’re just sick, that’s all.
– Natasha Tracy
Your words are so powerful and authentic. So true for you.
I am beginning to understand through your posts the difference between depression and bipolar. I am lucky that depression arises two to three times a year for me. And yes, when it happens I HATE it…
Just last week I said to Neil (my husband) I hate this fucking disease, I have depression, why me?
And then I get through it, it is at that time I am grateful. I find my gratitude in the fact that my sharing saves other lives. Which is what you do as well Natasha. I believe that is something to be grateful for.
In saying that, I understand. I hear you. I wish with all my heart you, me and millions of others didn’t suffer.
With love, hugs, respect & appreciation
Lee xoxox
Hi Lee,
Authenticity is such a big word. Yes, I try to manage it. And yes, if depression only “arises” for you _sometimes_ you are lucky; I tend to live in it. And quite right, there is a difference between simply a “bipolar” perspective and an actively depressed one. Obviously you’ve seen it for yourself quite recently :)
Thanks for your support Lee. Love seeing you around.
– Natasha Tracy
Keep an eye on the research on Ketamine. I have bipolar type 2, so the depression breaking through the meds is an ongoing problem for me. It looks like ketamine may have some long-term potential. The article I was reading yesterday said in the patients they gave it to it took effect to stop suicidal feelings within forty minutes to an hour, and the patients were pretty much good three days later when they got their next dose.
Anyway, the research is very, very early, but also very promising. There are a lot of anecdotal reports out there from pshrinks of fast-acting, long-term relief for depressed patients from a single dose of ketamine.
Obviously, as with all wonder drugs, you want to know “what’s the other shoe, when does it drop?” But there’s some good research in the pipeline for we folks on the depressive end of the bipolar spectrum. (Not saying I know your pain–more that I know from my pain that I can’t know yours.)
I knew I should have spent more time clubbing in the early 90s….
Hi Julie,
I’ve actually had my eye on the ketamine research for a while now. Yup, it sure _sounds_ like a wonder drug. I should point out though that it’s _not_ oral ketamine that works, it’s an IV titration. Oral ketamine doesn’t have the same effect (for anyone who might be tempted to try it themselves, don’t bother).
The good news about ketamine is that we’ve been using it in medicine since the 60’s so we know a lot about the drug and its side effects. In my opinion, that puts it far ahead of all those antidepressants that are brand new to the marketplace.
– Natasha Tracy
I read the headline and thought finally – there’s something good news. But alas no.
I’ve been thinking lately about how I would kill to have someone else’s worse day ever. Right now that feels like my baseline.
But on the other hand, my insurance company just informed me that I qualify for discounted express scripts! That’s gotta count.
Hi David,
I’m sorry. I don’t mean to bring you down, this is just honestly what I’ve been thinking about and I try to be very genuine here.
If you want good news try to think about creativity. We have it. In spades. It’s just a really high price to pay to get it. And perspective (which I also wrote about: https://natashatracy.com/mental-illness-issues/brain-vs-mind/mind-brain-split-enlightenment-mental-illness/ )
But hey, many people would also kill to have good news from their insurance company – so yes, it does count :)
– Natasha Tracy
Sometimes I sprinkle my bitterness with a healthy dose of sarcasm….. hence my comment.
yeah… every little bit helps :-)
And thanks for saying it’s OK to be Not OK around here. It’s a relief.
Hi David,
You too huh? Yup, I’m a sarcasm kind of gal too :)
– Natasha Tracy
But all seriousness aside it would be interesting to explore the creativity angle as at least one positive outcome. I’ve actually felt my photography started to improve when I was in a manic phase earlier this year. Interestingly now that I’m on meds, the creative juices are still flowing overtime.
Hi David,
It’s like the piece I wrote about enlightenment and mental illness – enlightenment _is_ a positive, I’m just not sold on the idea that it’s worth having a mental illness to get it.
And creativity? Yes, many people have commented on mental illness and creativity and initially I didn’t really buy it but there does seem to be something to it. There are whole books on it (this is a classic: http://www.amazon.ca/Touched-Fire-Kay-Redfield-Jamison/dp/068483183X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338502376&sr=8-1 )
I may write about it at some point but if you only saw the list of things I have to write about, you’d know it could be a while. Or not. Depends if the spark hits me (really).
– Natasha Tracy
“I’m just not sold on the idea that it’s worth having a mental illness to get it.”
I don’t know.. that’s a tough one. I’m starting to wonder if some of things I’m passionate about in life are manifestations of mania. I wouldn’t want to give up my photography or (obsessive) interest in astronomy even if it meant being ‘normal.’
I can’t see the list of things you have to write about but if it’s anything like your current output… I’m sure it’s a very long list.
Absolutely spot on an exactly how I feel, wearing the mask day in day out to make people think I’m ok. I’m not ok!
Hi Andy,
I know how exhausting it is. And the funny thing is, we wear that mask to convince people we’re OK, and then we get upset when we succeed :) It’s a catch-22.
Rest assured, you don’t have to be “OK” around here.
– Natasha Tracy