(timeless thoughts from a psych patient)
It is a stupid, cyclical life that I lead. I just keep going round and round the insanity-go-round, the mood-go-round, the crazy-go-round. It’s said insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Welcome to my life.
Depression Is More Than Painful
I, of course, do nothing but hit my head against a brick wall every goddamn crazy, depressed, bipolar day thinking that tomorrow it will hurt less. The delusion of getting better tomorrow is all that keeps me alive. A delusion. Delusions indicate psychosis. Psychosis required to keep a crazy person alive.
And some days I get lucky, there is a breath of air from the crazy, the depressed, the bipolar, but there’s no getting away from the wall. It’s just there. Crazy. Pain, over and over.
How Long Do Cycles of Crazy Last?
How long does crazy last? I’ve repeated crazy and gone through treatment cycles so many times I should know. But there is no knowing and every cycle of pain feels like the first. The pain doesn’t seem to dull. I can just tolerate it better. There is no predicting, no timing things out. There is no fucking road map. You pass similar things along the way but the road is always somehow different and eerily the same.
Depression, Crying and Catatonia
There is that place where crying is the thing. Crying, crying, crying. And catatonia. Which is not helpful in how I’m supposed to be productive. Depression gets to the point where it acts like the flu. Skin hurts. Joints hurt. Eyes hurt. Sunlight burns. Headaches. Nausea.
This is how cycles of crazy go. I will admit it feels urgent and painful and catastrophic and desperate – crisis. But that’s just because it is all those things. How devastating would the illness be if it wasn’t?
Mood ‘Disorder’ isn’t Adequate to Describe the Devastation
Mood disorder is far too polite to be acceptable.
Like sexual assault. This became the term used by everyone, instead of rape, mostly indicating that sexual violations didn’t have to contain penetration to be devastating. Which is fine. But rape sounds horrific whereas sexual assault sounds like something that happened in a cleanroom. It just doesn’t bleed.
And neither does disorder. Dis-order. Crazy is not orderly; true. But the pain’s the thing. People don’t kill themselves because of dis-order they kill themselves because they are in impossible amounts of pain. [pull]But it’s not the dis-order that’s the problem.[/pull]
It’s more like mood torture. A grating of the mind. An icepick to the medula oblongata. It’s a bloody mood syndrome. A sharp, bloody, mood syndrome. A lethal, sharp, bloody, torturous mood syndrome. Now we’re getting closer.
We all know that a rose by any other name would smell as sweet, but somehow to be taken seriously, disorder seems so flaccid.
This is death by a thousand terrors. Lethal hatred. The killing darkness.
Those are things to take seriously. Disorder isn’t even in the same ballpark.
Oh, how do I relate to this crazy, F’d up life I call bipolar II. Here’s how I understand it. A mood swing is when you feel irritated at someone for asking a few too many questions but one can still carry on functioning. A full on mood shift for me is needing to be left alone and willing to protect that space by throwing blunt objects at anyone’s head that wants to intrude into that space (after being told I need to be left alone). There’s times I dont want anyone looking at me or even talking to me when I “need” space and yes “need” is the word. Also, at times like this I don’t want anyone touching me because it can over stimulate and cause me to be feel more dysphoric.
Perfectly stated! But when they still don’t get it… Our life saving delusion becomes a whole other kind of delusion to them!
Natasha-
Nailed it once again. This is once again one of your pieces that I am sharing with friends and family. It can be so hard sometimes to find the words to explain what this “dis-order” is like. Sometimes all the analogies and comparisons in the world fall short and then one of your articles pops up in my news feed and I’m like yes this will help with my conversations with those I love. I will add it to the others that I save on my wall for the next time I need I it. Thank you for helping with the words that are often so hard to come by especially when bad brain takes over.
Heather
hi ya’ll…I am coming abut this site in despair to make a decision on wether to call the authorities or not to have my 25 year ols son picked up or not- the last month has been hell for the most part ..I am trying to stay financially stable and stable in every other way with execise and healthy eating ….I can relate to joann’s comment here very much – I feel like a beaten dog,i was married twice-abused in multible ways – allowed it too,how sick is that??…and my so is bipolar and has a couple other issues on top of that -he keeps coming back to my home and is now ruining a business I have that helps pay my bills…it seems I posess a magnet to sick men , don’t really know why?…I love my son more than anything and keep helping him with his amazing talent he has -music- but recently he was taken off most his meds and since his fiancée broke up with him…,im about to kick him out because I cant take his anger, high intensity and constant state of negative anymore…its dragging me down so deep-when I am a pretty positive ,go- getter involved n many different things in life….but the guilt and shame and sorrow is so im-barrable and is such a roller coaster …to a point that I feel super sick and question if its me..,i suggest to all of you that have a loved one with bipolar issues or mental illness of any ort to seek help through NAMI or similar Organizations as they help sometimes to just validate that you are not alone and strength comes from knowing that you have a support system- my family has failed me , the father is nowhere to be found and also very unstable
I completely agree. The Psychiatric community needs to change a lot of the labels, diagnosis and jargon to reflect the seriousness of Mental Illness.
Great stuff, Natasha. My ongoing and never ending problem with bipolar is that I can’t see where ‘I’m at.’ I’ll tell a friend, you know, I still really don’t think I have bipolar.
I understand that Phil. What did the psychiatrist in the psych ward have to say about that after your suicide attempt?
“Busted.”
iI have lived with someone bipolar for twenty years.It has been one of the most devasting experiences of my life.I think their biggest emotion is anger when things dont go their way.I hve tried to be supportive for the past twenty years.He has left me on several
occasions.About eight years ago he left and moved out for eight months.It took me that long to get over all of it.He likes to drink alchol and it makes his medication not work.But he showed up eight months later with a pacemaker be he has had triple bypass surgery in 1997.Wanting to know if there was still hope for us>This last time he evicted me from our home.His sister asked me not to leave the state and he got angry that i left the state but to me its the only way for a fresh start.So i went to florida where my son lives.My life hasnt been my own for so long now..About eight months ago my daughter moved in with us because she diddnt have a place to goBut it would seem like they developed a friendship that he took seriously.She is also bipolar!She beat the crap out of me and he took up for her for it.I kicked her out for beating me up and he evicted me for it.I am done with all this.I deserve to be happy and live life which i havent done for 20 years now because i loved this man with all my heart but i can not take any more abuse or anger.where do you start when you are 54 and so broken?Three years ago he had prostate cancer and i stayed with him through it all.I wish i could say that i made it but i did not.I dont know what the future holds for me but at least it wont be with anger and abuse and the giant rollercoaster that ive lived on.My life has made me doubt my own abilities to be normal.
Please don’t take offense to my saying this, but have repeatedly found yourself in situations that devastate you. All those symptoms have a lot of things in common with your relationships. Sure, I get that.
But the thing they ALL have in common is you.
Which is NOT the same thing as blaming you or saying it’s your fault. This is not blame. This is not making a judgment. It is not doing the fault thing.
It is a fact. It is a thing that is. Just hang on to the fact by itself for a second.
How you cope with this awful set of situations you are in, and this awful set of whatever-it-is that gets you into more and more of this as you go, is you go get some therapy help for YOURSELF.
I would suggest that regardless of diagnosis, you look for something that will give you practical skills for dealing with the situation you are in, rather than the situation you wish you were in, at exactly the moment that you are in it.
I would suggest that you work at staying “in the moment.”
I’d suggest Richard Carlson’s “Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff” books as good, I’d suggest anything from Linehan’s manual on DBT — the one for treating Borderline Personality Disorder. I’m not diagnosing you or labeling you, the manual just has a list of useful “skills” and thoughts you might apply as coping skills.
First, truly? If I were you, I’d see a therapist and give a good therapist a chance to help you with picking up the pieces and putting them back together.
If you don’t go for the therapist, at least go for Carlson’s self-help books.
There is *nothing* wrong with not living under the same roof as roommates and with not having bipolar people as roommates. It seems to me that that would be a good early goal for you in drawing boundaries. But you’re going to need mental health care and interaction with social services, probably, to get back on your feet and to get back into housing after a couple of evictions.
As for “mental health care”–think of it as dealing with the aftermath of spending too much time in proximity to crazy. You need to get you issues hammered out and sort out why you keep doing this to yourself, so you can stop.
Hi Joann,
I think Julie is right when she says that therapy would be a good place to start. You need to work through what you’ve been through and try to remember that some people just aren’t good for others and it sounds like your husband wasn’t good for you.
You absolutely have the ability to come back from this and you absolutely have the ability to be “normal” but it will take some work on your part after having been in such a tough and “crazy” situation for so long.
– Natasha Tracy
Natasha,
This one had a heartbeat. Superlative.
Laurie
“The delusion of getting better tomorrow is all that keeps me alive.” – Natasha Tracy
Awesome, Love it, Brilliant!!
That may be the best description I’ve ever heard. The most damaging thing that anyone, most of them well meaning, can say to me, is this often heard gem. “Everyone has problems,” and we all get down sometimes.
How do you start from there, and then have any hope of helping them understand that this is something so painful and pervasive, that just living is a terrifying proposition. I know why we become so adept at hiding. It’s purely the instinct for survival. One more person trying to convince me that Mental illness is not that big of a deal, may well be the final straw. I’ve learned to survive the illness. Having it diminished on such an extraordinary level is something I may not survive.
You are so right. If one were to read the official criteria for diagnosing Bipolar illness, they would think it was not even on par with the common cold. It’s described as a mood swing every once in a while. I would give anything for that to be true. There’s no slightly exaggerated swing involved. There’s no once in a while. What kind of wimp couldn’t deal with that? This is the agony of hopelessness beyond description, most of the time. If we are lucky, and we have access to the right treatment, then we have hope that our symptoms can be lessened to some degree. But we will never be free. We will never escape this thing so awful that life itself is impossible to tolerate. How do you explain that to someone who believes it’s just an exaggerated version of what everyone goes through?
Hi Michael,
Thanks.
“The most damaging thing that anyone, most of them well meaning, can say to me, is this often heard gem. “Everyone has problems,” and we all get down sometimes.”
Agreed. It’s brutal. And agreed it’s very hard to get from this point to a real understanding of what mental illness _really_ is.
“I’ve learned to survive the illness. Having it diminished on such an extraordinary level is something I may not survive.”
That’s an excellent point. It’s hard enough to survive without the people around you telling you you’re surviving “nothing difficult.”
It’s very difficult to explain the difference between a mood swing (like an average person) and a mood swing that is pathological. It really is an amplification of what an average person experiences but the amount of amplification is the problem and the thing that people don’t understand. It’s hard for them to conceptualize of something so outside their experience.
But if people could just not minimize an illness they don’t understand, that would be helpful.
– Natasha Tracy
My son just tried to commit sucide for about the 10th time. He is only twenty five. Thank You for sharing your stories I want to understand him (as does his girlfriend) and I mean really understand him and with your generous commets it helped me to understand and feel some of his pain. We will be a better support system if both sides of his family can connect with him. Although I cannot be bipolar I can be with him….And when he talks of his pain I am starting to really get it. We will not give up until he is leveled out and is out of the gut wrenching pain he is in. He seems to feel less alone since his family has been researching and communicating with him. Good luck to each of you as you make your journey. Here is a hug to all of you. May you be especially blessed and rewarded as you teach us the true meaning of the word strength.
Christina
Hi Christina,
I’m extremely saddened to hear about your son. That is a lot of tragedy for a young life.
It’s extremely difficult to really understand someone with a mental illness, but it’s amazing that you are trying in spite of very difficult circumstances.Obviously I don’t know your son, but I can say it is really helpful to believe there are supportive people around us. Supportive people can only help.
Christina, you’re teaching the meaning of the word “strength” as well. What you are doing is unbelievably hard and amazing.
My best thoughts to you, your son and the rest of your family.
– Natasha
Christina,
You have no idea how important your efforts are. I often wonder why family members who would sacrifice their very lives to save a loved one, just turn away from this oncoming train.
The life threatening reality of this illness is no secret. It is without question one of the most deadly of all illnesses. It hurts the same to lose someone you love to this illness as it does to lose them to any other cause.
You’ve already done the most important thing you could ever do for your son. You allowed yourself to see him the way he is. You let him know that you see that his pain is real and devastating. You see something even he doesn’t see much of the time. I can assure you that he sees himself as weak and a failure more often than not. You see him as someone of great value, Worthy of your love.
I rember having my first and thankfully only migraine a few years ago. I finally understood that it wasn’t just a headache. I remember feeling like a complete ass for thinking people, mostly women, who.suffered from them were exaggerating their pain.
Maybe that’s as good an analogy as any for the difference in bipolar illness and normal changes in moods.
The understanding that someone who loves you is able to get it, is an indescribable relief. You have a long journey ahead of you, and so does your son. As you take that journey, from time to time stop, and think of what it would be like without someone like you. For most of, that is our reality.
Bless you, and never stop fighting.
.
Michael,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts with Cristina. We all appreciate your words.
– Natasha
thank u Christina Lynn for trying to understand educate and empathize with ur son he needs u so bad. I just resently have been educating myself due to a recent bipolar hell diagnosis . My man is trying very hard to help but can anyone other than the people in it really understand? I don’t think so. I to love the quote mentioned above u seem to find our words we are trying desperately to express
I recognize everything you described above. “Mood disorder” makes it sound like we’re just having a very bad day or a very good day. The maid analogy is funny and so true. Thank you for expressing my thoughts so well.
Lol! I love this! So true and so great!
Imagine that…”Hi, My name is Jessica and I suffer from Lethal, sharp, bloody, bipolar mood torture. Nice to meet you”. That would totally attract the guys…lol! I love it!
It is so true though people totally don’t get what it’s like by hearing “bipolar disorder”.
You’re genius!
Jessica,
Well OK, maybe not attract the guys, or at least not the ones you would want. ;)
Genius? Only on Mondays. The rest of the week I rein idiotic. ;)
– Natasha
Finally stumbled across this and Thank GOODNESS someone is able to articulate this place we so often live in. Articulate as best as possible that is, I don’t know that any of us can ever fully describe how tortured our lives can feel. Thanks so much, your blog is the best out there and always makes me feel not so alone, in this world where I can feel very misunderstood!
Hi Hali,
I’m happy if I can write something you can identify with and happy to remind you that you’re not alone. I know we can feel misunderstood, but there are lots of us misunderstood folks out there :)
– Natasha Tracy