Last week I wrote about my urge to self-harm. I talked about how after many years, I still have the urge to self-harm but that I don’t actually follow-through and do it.
And one commenter left a comment to the effect of,
. . . surely if you loved and accepted yourself, you wouldn’t want to self-harm.
Yeah, that’s bullshit.
Or, more politely, that’s a myth. Just because I have the desire to self-harm doesn’t mean I don’t like, love or accept myself.
I Like, Love and Accept Myself Just Fine
I think I’m okay. I’m not, like, a walking messiah or anything, but I’m your average, ol’, flawed human being and I like/love/accept myself just fine. True, I couldn’t always have said that about myself. When I was younger, self-esteem was a big problem. However, I’ve had oodles of therapy since then and now I love and accept myself just fine.
[And, by the way, this doesn’t mean that bipolar depression doesn’t put thoughts of self-hatred into my head. It does. I just know that they’re false.]
Self-Harm isn’t about Self-Love
As I mentioned in the last article, self-harm is a coping strategy used to deal with inordinate amounts of pain. This has nothing to do with whether I love myself. My pain, my bipolar depression pain, comes from my brain and not any psychological construct, thank-you. It is a biological problem and one that has to be addressed from that standpoint. And my urge to self-harm has to do with an urge to stop the pain which is a completely reasonable, logical and human things to feel.
Now, I’m not saying that some people who self-harm don’t hate themselves – I have no doubt some do, but what I’m saying is that it certainly isn’t a prerequisite. Nor is it the case that simply because you don’t love or accept yourself you will self-harm. That one-to-one relationship just doesn’t exist.
Making Assumptions about Self-Harm
What I think really ticked me off about this comment was the fact that this commenter was making assumptions about my psychology based around one urge: self-harm. He was telling me how to “get better.” You can never do that – especially with self-harm. Entire books have been written about the complexities of self-harm and that’s because it’s a behavior that many people use in many different ways. Some people use it to feel whereas some people use it to numb. It’s the same behavior with exactly opposite results.
So I highly, highly, recommend against making assumptions about people who self-harm, particularly when you have a limited understanding the subject. Telling someone just, “to love themselves,” or “to accept themselves,” is a good way to tick him or her off. It certainly doesn’t help with the problem. If you want to help, I suggest you talk to the person who self-harms and listen when he or she speaks. Because people who self-harm understand their self-harm much better than you ever will.
Thank you for sharing this
I suddenly think that I love myself and start questioning ‘I did self-harm cause I don’t love myself?’ I’m confused…
YAAAAASSSSS!!!!! Praise The Lord…and pass the razor blade. (Joke, perhaps a tasteless one, but I enjoy being able to poke fun at my issues.)
I agree. Comments such as the one you received don’t make any difference to a BP victim except fuel the pain. We should not stand in judgment of you or anyone else with BP or any other MI. Only you and other’s know how they feel. Sharing your personal journey is what this site is all about. I appreciate the articles and knowledge I take away from it as I have a family member this way. God bless you today and always. Best.
For those who are somewhat methodical about self-harm and/or self-injurious behavior.. and/or impulsive and/or addicted to the “release” it brings…
from what I remember, and could be so incorrect, is that the defining line between those with Bipolar and those with Borderline mimicking Bipolar is : the person self-harms and/or self-injures
thus meaning… if you are prone to self-harm and/or self-injury.. then you do not have Bipolar, but, instead – Borderline Personality for which supposedly meds often have little affect/effect and would be best served by intensive therapy with meds as an add on, if necessary
whereas; Bipolar is a mental illness, not personality disorder, and therefore… meds play a equal if not larger role in a person’s treatment
Course, then the waters muddied by psychs diagnosing one with Bipolar (Primary-Axis I) with Borderline Personality Disorder secondary (Secondary-Axis II)
so… likened to the chicken or the egg… is it Bipolar or is it Borderline Personality?
Hi Tabby,
That would be incorrect. While it is true that many people with borderline personality disorder self-harm, it is not a single, defining characteristic; similarly, just because you self-harm, doesn’t mean you have borderline.
If you’d like to know about the actual borderline personality disorder symptoms, see here: http://emedicine.medscape.com/article/913575-overview#showall
– Natasha Tracy
My teachers name is Charan Singh 1916-1990 of Radha Soami Satsang Beas I spent 2 and half months with him at RSSB 143204 Punjab INDIA in 1984…learning about meditation,service, getting along with others…I have been back 12 times now the new master Baba Ji is there doing the same work, teaching,touring initiating giving satsang.
I know he wont be too happy with my actions we will have to face the consequences manfully womanfully-gender neutrally and move with the universal decision. They have a website http://www.rssb.org…Better go and take my meds.
Oh after the night in question on Williamson Ave I gav e them a brand new copy of my teachers book ” Spiritual Perspectives”..a passive apology to a hypomanic night…I felt under attack ..I shouldnt have been in the car park just off the main rd…shouldnt have gone on but I did..let that be a lesson to you bipoolar hypomanic monologuer…..keep it in the Acting Class!!!!!!!!!
When I used to cut, it was to either make my painful emotions go away so that I could tolerate them or so that I could function (such as stop crying and do homework or go to class). The reason I don’t cut anymore is not because I love myself that much more but because I don’t want to be judged by other people. It is hard living with cuts and scars and covering up all of the time. It has nothing to do with self-love. In fact, sometimes I think that by not cutting now when I feel like it, I am giving in to society. Certainly I feel like I am handicapping myself.
Hi I go to the hearing on Monday 16th June 9.00am -have to answer for my “hypermonologue one evening..theyre charging me with “threatenning to kill against 2 people-this is ridiculous, as my whole being being lactovegetarian I couldnt kill a fly these days.32 years meditating on surat shabd yoga,understanding the wheel of reincarnation, NO I plead NOT GUILTY of that alleged offence…ok I did rave , a little ok a lot, always in context -I have been working on a solo show “JOURNEY TO YOU” improv on a autobiography of this guy who loses his mum goes catatonic, ends up in hospital….sees what he sees…anyway he recovers ,blah blah…plus I always give satsang after the first Act..talk about Love your neighbour,love one another ,if thine eye be single the whole body will be filled with light if two or more are gathered in my name there I am also….the Jesus section…then I finish with talking to the congregration after they have rung the police…..during the call I did chant my name address registration of my car ..HYPOMANIC ..yes! Threatenning to kill NO!!!!! I have apologised in my dream state nd written letters to the two people concerned..Oh after the night in question felt bad abut the volume of voice and some things I may have said..about antiques and colonisation ..the Bashford Coat of Arms Bashford Antiques 24 williamson Ave. Auckland New Zealand .I beg forgiveness and pray the hearing doesnt go against me. cant blame people for being being upset and complaining..however “threatenning to kill” I never said..But its a wake up call for my monologue days, loud voice childish tantrum side I know that this behaviour is ending..and I need to let that angry child go..You must go….please leave…I think Bipolar disorder is just the tip of the ice berg of what is really happening…when you factor in Samoan ancestor worship , ghosts,disembodied spirits, ones that are still in the world..havent been released yet……
Addressing the fact that we are who we believe ourselves to be…we are so amazing if we believe we can achieve the impossible guess what? We can. All coaches know if You think you can win you will win. Famously an aussie coach benched those guys who didnt think they could win. Put on the fellas who believed they could could. No w I must turn around old behaviours shit that I dont need to carry around..Im 57 now ..still reacting like a a 5.7 year old.
BRAVA!!
I have met many people whilst in hospital and outside who have self harmed, suicided.
It is a fact that what you think eventually you become. I believe we all should treasure ourselves
and reject anything negative that comes up from within our minds.
Mind shouldnt be given carte blanche one cannot trust the mind mystics say, that is why they meditate
on the light, on the sound within. As this is beyond the mind. Focussing ones attention at the eye centre
while under the guidance of a perfect living master, is the first step in Sant Mat, path of the masters.
It is a pure path, so anything impure does not get us closer to supreme regions of bliss within.Perfection
does come, with effort, with a desire to become perfect.It is the intention that comes before the action.
We will succeed in beating the mind that is a fact.Its like saying when you begin to study karate, one day you will
as you go through the steps.We will win,we are the champions, we will get there.That is the way of success, one step at a time, the goal firmly set in ones mind. see http://www.rssb.org I know after spending 32 years falling and stumbling on this path, there is nothing like being talked to by a living master who has done exactly the same meditation as you, He has graduated and is here right now in real time to help you. He reads every letter,answers every question when you meet face to face in a meeting. You know you have a personal rekationship with the master, and he has responsiblity for millions of people , just like you. Its a great feeling, this student teacher relationship.
I think we have to be careful how we think,especially when we are bipolar . I am just realising I do have extremes. I do make mistakes, arent the best at times…hypermania not listening to Early Warning SIGNS… taking risks…train wreck material..I have got into some trouble. RECENTLY .not realising my actions are putting me at risk..So thats just my bipolar diary at the moment…I have to follow a stricter set of going to bed timings take my pills earlier, meditate more and go to satsang regularly, come home earlier, keep in touch with my wife more. What I thought was ok is not. A bit of an adjustment.Im still happy and enjoy everything creative…just have to organise my life to flow along with OTHERS. Get over the …..I am alone……because I am not .hahaha
There is a self within you that isn’t your friend. You can’t buy him, or kick his ass. Another encouraging observation, you can’t see him in your loved ones eyes because your self esteem is in shreds. And as you already know psychotherapy is like getting an enema with a pine cone – it feels so good when its over. Self harm will eventually get your attention, it already has your friends attention. So: Love yourself without getting herpes… Learn to love others more than they deserve and get a dog. Unconditional love can be bought. (have fun with yourself and so will others)
The desire to self harm is a battle I fight often. I battle the idea like I battle suicidal ideation. Its a taboo topic that I often take to my psychologist when the fight becomes overbearing. I know I cant because he WILL hospitalize me since I cant hide or lie about the behavior. Quite frankly, I tell on myself.
Why did I self harm? Because at that particular moment I was overwhelmed and needed relief.
I am sitting on the side of my bed literally trying to talk myself out of my own self harm ritual . I pick up my cell phone and Tracy reading me’ in her email
Thanks for covering such an important and vital topic. My fight continues
I think this is a response to my comments. I’m sorry if they annoyed you.
I don’t understand why people engage in self-harming practices. I admit that. My reason for reading your post on the subject was to gain some more information and perhaps some insight. My way of engaging with what anyone has to say is to try to relate to it by comparison with my own experience. I can’t experience your experience, but if I can relate what you experience to something I have experienced then I may understand better. I have experienced self-punative tendencies when I felt guilty about something. So it seems natural to see a possible connection between self-harm and that tendency.
For me self-acceptance has been the key to my recovery and, from my outside observation of others it seems to be something very often lacking. As I say, I can’t experience another person’s experience so I can only make a guess based on extrapolation from my own experience. That is all any of us can do.
Each of us comes at things from their own perspective, based on their own experience. My experience was one of people telling me that my illness was coming from my brain chemicals and having to fight against that belief in order to find the understanding which would liberate me. For me, the idea that brain chemicals were the source rather than the medium of my bad feelings that was the myth. And since the understanding I achieved of my mental illness as a habit of thinking has led to several years without depression or psychosis, I feel, from my personal experience, validating in that view. But, no-one else can experience my experience of that process. I can only express the ideas behind that experience in the hopes that it is helpful to others.
Personally, I don’t like the term “self-esteem” as this implies thinking highly of oneself. Acceptance is not thinking highly of oneself, it is thinking oneself to be simply acceptable. One idea which has been useful to me has been the idea of embracing my own worthlessness. What if I were worthless? The beauty of the world would still exist. Pleasure would still be accessible to me. And nothing could be expected of me, so there would be no pressure. Normally, I think we tend to live in fear of being without worth. But it really doesn’t matter. What matters is that we fear it. Stop fearing it and it isn’t a problem. So that is how I think about unconditional self-acceptance. It is a neutral attitude, neither positive nor negative. If we are going to feel self-esteem then we have to find a reason for it. We may say, “I’m smart” or “I’m attractive” or “I’m a good person”. This is the basis for our self-esteem. But in that case we are a slave to it and we don’t really accept ourselves. I can say, “I’m a fat, inconsiderate, old sleaze-bag” and it doesn’t matter to me. There is no need to present myself in a positive light, because I accept what I am.
But this is my experience of recovery from bipolar disorder. I can accept that other people’s bipolar disorder is different from my own and that their recovery will not necessarily follow the same path. Or they may not recover at all. If I sometimes have too much zeal it is because I’m excited by what works for me.
I appreciate the fact that you took the time to respond to the ideas I expressed. I hope that you can look on my views as an interesting curiosity if nothing else. It is a sign of self-acceptance that we can appreciate that another person’s views are their views and needn’t be troubling to us if we see no truth in them.
Hi Aussie,
Your perspectives are welcome here whether I agree with them or not. Conversation, after all, is a good thing.
As for the post, yes, it was in response to your comment. Sometimes a comment needs to be address with more than a few words. Yes, your comment annoyed me, but, that happens. It’s not personal. :)
Thanks for chiming in.
– Natasha Tracy
BRAVO