Have you heard the statement, “you create your own reality?” I certainly have. It’s new-age-y and pop psychology-y and something that drives me crazy. Like with many things, there is a kernel of truth to it, but the blanket statement is untrue and people use “you create your own reality” in harmful and toxic ways. If you’ve ever bristled at the idea that you create your own reality, read on.
What Does ‘You Create Your Own Reality’ Mean?
Of course, something as vague as this has different meanings depending on whom you ask. That said, it most commonly means that we create the world in which we live, and this includes how we think and feel. Someone might interpret this as being part of “like attracts like.” (The Secret, anyone?) So, you need to model what you want in your life and it will come to you. Or someone might interpret this to mean that if you think negative thoughts, bad things will happen (or think positive thoughts and good things will happen). Or someone else might interpret this to mean that we all can be happy if we just think about things in the right way (thus creating a happy reality).
This quote, attributed to Lao Tzu, is along the same vein:
“Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
And there are many similar quotes out there espousing similar concepts. In the short of it, it suggests that by controlling your thoughts, you can control your destiny.
I know when these things are written down, they seem patently, ridiculously, obviously false to most people. However, believe me when I tell you that many people hold these beliefs — whether they are consciously aware of it or not.
You Do Not Create Your Own Reality
As I said, there’s a kernel of truth to this idea. For example, if you’re looking for negative things all the time in your life, sure enough, you will find them. Similarly, if you look for the positive, you will find it, too. Therefore, we do have some control over that for which we look.
That said, the overall statement is bullshit.
What you think does not control what happens to you. Some people have very bad lives for absolutely no reason. They did not “think” incorrectly nor is there anything wrong with their character. Similarly, some people have great lives for no reason. These people are not superior; they don’t “think” in a better way; they are just luckier.
There are two pieces of very obvious proof of this.
For example, take a child who is starving to death in a third world country. That child did nothing wrong. That child cannot think their way out of their situation. That child will die, not through any fault of their own. They will die because life is cruel and unfair and they were born in the wrong place at the wrong time.
Similarly, I was not a starving child in a third world country. I was born in Canada, a rich country. That doesn’t make me better than the child in the third world country. I did nothing right. I didn’t deserve to be in that position. I was simply luckier than the child in the third world country.
You Create Your Own Reality Is a Result of Privilege
Do you know who thinks they can create their own reality? People with good realities. They seem to think they did something “right” to manifest these realities. They want to take credit for them and feel in control of them. They don’t want to admit that luck has a massive role in all of our lives. You might be lucky to be born into a rich, white family while others aren’t. You might be lucky to have met the right people who could help you while others didn’t. You might be lucky to have found a good job while others couldn’t. Luck, luck, luck. Privilege, privilege, privilege. These aspects almost rule our lives and we have no control over them. People are scared of that and don’t want to admit it. That makes the idea of creating your own reality very tempting. It suggests we can avoid bad things just by thinking the “right” way.
Creating Your Own Reality Is Not the Same as Taking Responsibility
People who know me know I’m a big proponent of taking personal responsibility for your life and your illness. You absolutely have to do what you can with what you have. That is what is going to allow you to assert the available control over your life and that is what is going to make you most fulfilled. So when an opportunity comes along, it’s up to you to run with it. When there’s a choice to make, it’s up to you to make the best one. And so on. But none of that changes the luck factor. None of that is “creating your own reality.” That’s more creating the best reality you can given circumstances you can’t control.
Saying ‘You Create Your Own Reality’ Is Victim-Blaming
I have a mental illness. I have bipolar disorder. I have spent years of my life in a life-threatening depression. There is no amount of thinking that could get me out of that. And there is no amount of thinking that can get people out of all the horrible, unfair illnesses and life circumstances that strike people. It is beyond wrong to blame these people for their own realities. It’s victim-blaming. Please stop doing this. All this does is make people who are already in a horrible spot feel worse about themselves as they think it’s their fault. It isn’t.
You Don’t Create Your Own Reality, But That’s Okay
Like I said, admitting that you don’t create your own reality is about acknowledging that you don’t have control. It’s about acknowledging that something terrible could happen to you at any moment and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. It’s about acknowledging that some of the good things in your life are just gifts — you didn’t do a thing to earn them.
But all of this is okay. We’re all on a playing field that we didn’t create. There’s no reason to give up just because the field is uneven. By admitting that, it means is that you can truly see the field. You can see reality. You can acknowledge reality. This actually puts you far ahead of most people, especially when those unforeseen awful things do occur.
So while you don’t create your own reality, you do deal with reality in the best way you can, and you’re better equipped to do this when you acknowledge reality and work with what is really there. It gives you empathy for others and gratitude for what you, personally, have. And that makes us all better humans.
Banner by The Reality Check podcast, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons (color altered).
I have sought the truth about “What’s It All About, Alfie”…and believe that I have created my reality all my life.
Like attracts like…this is a scientific law. It not only applies to physics, it applies to thoughts too. Thoughts create emotional vibrations which attract more like them. Period.
Many wise men over thousands of years have attested to this Truth. That you don’t agree?? Oh, well….
Hi Jim,
You are welcome to disagree with anything I say. Please just consider this: if “like attracts like” what is the “like” that is attracting the death of children? What “like” is it that causes some people to be born where there isn’t clean water and they get sick and die because of it?
It’s convenient to say that “like attracts like” with regards to things you think you have control of. We don’t have control over many, many things. And people in other parts of the world have even less.
— Natasha Tracy
Well yes and no…
If you are actively psychotic, clearly don’t have the power to create your own reality
Likewise with severe depression you can’t think yourself well due to the sheer physicality of it…
On one particular occasion I’d tried my darnedest to ignor my mounting depression and push past it only to end up losing track of a whole day of my life! I’d come home from work, on a Monday, collapsed into bed and didn’t wake up again to eat or pee, etc until Wednesday morning. It was like I’d fallen into a deep coma or something, very scary. (No I was NOT on any type drugs or alcohol at the time!). When I got to work on Wednesday morning I was surprised to be admonished for not calling in sick on Tuesday. I’d not realized at the time I’d unconsciously missed a whole day of my life! It was only then that I came to respect my limits and ask for help.
If you are in the recovery phase (on medication, actively educating yourself about your illness, seeing a counsellor, making healthy lifestyle choices, etc) can you ever hope to gain some semblance of control or mastery over your life. Only when you are able to see your life more clearly, truly accept where you’re at this particular point in your life, warts and all, will you be able to make more informed choices that have the potential to improve your reality
I disagree but see you’re point. Though, I think they mean you create your outlook. The starving child may be miserable but can create a beautiful remaining life by not “think” or “feeling” miserable. That to me is what creating your own reality. Something one is going through may kill another but how you view the situation is how you will experience it. Thus creating your own reality
The problem with these statements is some people forget that not everything is black and white and there’s no “one size fits all.”
I’m a big believer of empowering people to make THEIR life what THEY WANT IT TO BE. Personally I think that “creating your own reality” is a positive visualisation tool designed to encourage people to realise that they CAN take control of their lives and need to look within for the answers to their own success. Of course, that doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy – and there will always be exceptions, but as a rule, I wouldn’t think to use that phrase as a criticism or an alternative to “it’s your own fault.”
That said, I do have a friend who’s not speaking to me right now simply because she chose to ignore some advice I gave her about a guy she wanted to date. She came to me looking for sympathy because he turned out to be the fickle serial-dater I warned her about and, having had his way with her he’s now cast her aside for his next sexual conquest. When we last spoke about him she agreed with my advice but it seems that she’s been screwing him on the down-low. Now she wants my sympathy but I can’t give her that so she’s off sulking. So in this instance her purposeful poor decision means that she definitely created her own reality. I think that in those situations where you have the control, then yes, you are responsible for your reality. With the exception of those who chose poor life habits (i.e. social drugs, alcoholism, poor diet, bad sleep routines) I’m not sure that people have control over the manifestation of mental health issues.
I agree wholeheartedly with what you have said. I think the idea that, “everything happens for a reason.” Is similar. If you are in a place of privilege I can see the phrase having value but that’s not the case for everyone. I agree that sometimes people are lucky and some people are not. To say otherwise is grossly oversimplifying the nature of life.
I believe I create my own reality, though not in the new age way. I am single and live alone so I make almost all of my life decisions based solely on what is best for me. If other people are involved, of course I will compromise as needed, but I don’t have a lot of those situations. Also, my medication is important in helping me to create my reality. I don’t make a lot of money, but it enough for me to have stable housing and healthcare. It is a privilege for me to be able to create my own reality and I realize that not everyone has my level of privilege although some people have much more!
I agree. There are so many external influences that are beyond our control. That’s just pure humility and acceptance of our own lack of power.
The ability to completely control your own reality IS complete privilege.
As a (bad) example, I know many couples who are still in the slightly older relationship model where the male is the provider: in those instances the wives truly believe that THEY are manifesting their success and completely take for granted the fact that their husbands face ridiculous stress levels every day to provide the life-style that their wives enjoy. The reality is, they have not at all “controlled their own reality” – they have simply been lucky enough to enjoy the positives of a life provided for them (often from other people’s hard work).
Similarly, when the cards dealt are overwhelmingly crap, sometimes there’s nothing you can do to change things.
I guess it’s about being self-aware and not taking anything for granted – appreciating what you have (if possible) while accepting that you might have no power to change things. Humility is a funny thing …
But yes, it’s f*cking annoying when overly optimistic people try to tell you that everything is for a reason, that you’re in control of your destiny and to simply laugh everything off. Hell, I’m fortunate enough to have no mental health challenges (clinical or situational) but I’ve seen enough of life to understand your viewpoint and totally agree with you.