Today my anxiety really flared up. I suddenly found I had less time to get to a bus that took me to a train that took me to another bus that took me to a hotel. And if I missed that last bus in the chain, there wasn’t another for five hours. And I still had to pack and get dressed and eat cake and just, in general, get ready.
And this freaked me out – or, put another way, this created some instantaneous, nasty stress and anxiety. My mother tried to help with the anxiety. It didn’t work.
Yes, I Suffer from Clinical Anxiety
Now, I don’t talk about my anxiety much but, believe me, I have it. Pretty much every day I’m gripped by some form of anxiety, sometimes it can get really bad and sometimes I even resort to PRN (as-needed) medication just so I can breathe for a few hours.
And this situation made me anxious.
What Doesn’t Work When You’re Anxious
I was honest with my mother and told her I was experiencing anxiety. Now, she doesn’t know that when I say that, I mean, “I’m experiencing a clinical amount of anxiety and I need to take care of myself.” So she did something completely reasonable – she tried to talk me out of it.
She tried to give me several reasons why I shouldn’t be anxious.
And I said to her, “This isn’t helping.”
And she responded, “Well, it should be.”
Ah. Yes. I appreciate that. I do. The thoughts of someone who doesn’t experience clinical anything doesn’t understand that illnesses don’t respond to that technique. Don’t get me wrong, I use logic and self-talk as coping skills every day but when she started telling me why I shouldn’t be anxioius all I heard was, “I’m not acknowledging your genuine experience and symptoms. I’m ignoring how you feel. What you feel isn’t real.”
This conversation could have happened around any mental illness symptom, not just anxiety. And people mean to be helpful. They do. But their inclination to help in that way doesn’t work.
What Does Work When You’re Anxious
Much better would have been, “I understand that you’re feeling anxious. Is there anything I can do to help?”
Now, had she have asked that question, I would have probably said, “no,” but that’s just me. Nevertheless, I would have appreciated the question. I would have appreciated her acknowledgement that my illness was real. I would have appreciated that she recognized that she didn’t understand what to do. I would have appreciated that she was turning to me, the universal expert in how I feel, for guidance. The question likely wouldn’t have fixed anything, per se, but acknoledgment of feelings goes a long, long way, maybe not in curing them but in dealing with them.
What Works and What Doesn’t When Someone is Anxious
So this is a little lesson to all the loved ones dealing with another person’s emotions, like anxiety, that they don’t understand. You should acknowledge the other person’s reality – whatever that is – and then ask how you can help. You may not be able to help. In fact, it’s likely that you won’t be able to help the symptom of a mental illness. Still, it’s a much better way of dealing with it than many of the other options.
And finally, a lesson for me: when someone asks if they can help – let them. My inclination, as I said, would have been to say, “Leave me alone,” to a help query. But I need to do better than that. Because people can help relieve anxiety if they take care of something small for you. In the end, my mother actually waited for a few minutes with me for the bus and I think that was nice. I think having another person there for a moment was calming rather than waiting and pacing in circles worried that something was wrong. I didn’t ask her to do it, but I could have. I might have felt better and she might have felt better, too, knowing that she had helped.
Because things do work when dealing with anxiety and other mental illness symptoms but, often, both parties have to be open to finding solutions.
No one feels another’s pain, joy, sadness, thrill, and so on… They can empathize with you
and offer an approximation of what you are experiencing from their own personal history.
The damaging comments are those that negate your trauma. Well meaning expressions
of help will deny your experience. You may wonder why the stereotypical police officer is seen
with a cup of coffee and a doughnut. It works, at least for the short term. Books are written
on how to reduce anxiety. They involve planning and preparation, which is not always an option,
but are remedies in lieu of qualified relief. (opinion only based on actual experience)
Great tips for someone struggling with anxiety. Hope it’s ok to share this post.
Thanks again
Hi, I’m new to this type of website and blog. I have no clue about bipolar or anxiety more than the general stuff we all know. I had a gf for almost two years, she said it was the best relationship she’s had, everything was good overall. She broke up w/ me two weeks ago, saying i give her anxiety, that she feels threatened, to not contact her anymore, that i am dramatic, to stay out of her life, she has been really mean FOR NO REASON, she takes antidepressant and medicine to treat manic episodes, she takes medicine for almost two years, they told her she was anxious w maniac episode, tested her for bipolar they said she was not. But now i am not sure, is it normal for someone to start acting like this out of the blue for NO reason , to suddenly hate you? she was always anxious and sad about other random stuff, but never about ME, I don’t know if i should stay away from her, i can’t help her if she doesn’t want me around and treats me so bad,please help thanks
I also find,particularly in anywhere excessively over stimulating,to avoid any caffeine drinks.
Plus walking ( weather permitting) helps…deep breathing ( takes practice)
I’m a huge advocate of no caffeine ( at least for me) seems to aid anxiety,even help my meds work more
Efficiently.
Also I use calming aeromatherapy,breathe in the calming fumes…Lavendar in particular.
Lastly,when I’ve had a stressful period I buy Citrus Epsom salts,throw some in a hot bath…sometimes (or silence)
Put spa music on from my computer,sip pure ginger tea from health food store or chamomile / anything chilling.
Key is to shut the world out,then I take a nice couple h nap,which my body really tells me it needs.
I’m a huge advocate of listening to your body,giving it plenty of rest…
Great post, Natasha. I will take this to heart. It is good advice.
Natasha,
Great suggestions. Often I want to help (and be helped), but my own anxiety interferes. Can I help? Yes. Would you get me water? (Or something simple) We almost always need something simple.
bf
I think the advise your mother was giving you was the right advice to give you when you aren’t anxious. It’s not at all useful in dissipating anxiety but it is useful in preventing anxiety in the first place. Of course I can only speak from my reality which is, though riddled with anxiety, admittedly dwarfed by the serious anxiety problems I’ve seen in others. It’s normal to have anxiety so if your mother does not suffer from any then she is one of the lucky few.
Now on another point I have suffered from clinical depression my entire life and attempted suicide on 4 separate occasions between the ages of 13-19. What you say about illnesses not responding to that technique is not true and more complicated than what you think. For depression it is actually highly effective. Having someone genuine and trustworthy around every day to offer advice and try to help me out of depression seems like heaven. Having never had this kind of support I have climbed a steep slope but over many years I managed to find effective means of dealing with my depression alone. It is nice to not be reliant on others to deal with my mental state but I can’t lead other sufferers of depression up the same path because it is arduous and I do not wish to take on the burden of carrying them. At the beginning of my journey I had great doubts that I would ever be relax or happy sober but for some reason I continued onwards for 5 entire years without any relief or reward(age 13-17). Suddenly one day nearing my 18th birthday I finally saw the peak and from then onwards the more I strived forward the easier it became to deal with my depression. I finally reached it at the start of this year at age 20. Now I sit at the top clear headed breathing the fresh mountain air. I wish I could descend and lead others to the top but it would spoil the air. Each person has their own mountain to climb and I am still focused on ascending ever upwards. It seemed impossible to reach the mountain top when I couldn’t see it and now it seems impossible to reach above the sky because I cannot see it. The journey never ends. You are the flame that lights the path through the hallways of the night.
Anxiety goes with the territory.
Sometimes I have anxiety to the point of thinking I’m having a heart attack.
Four trips to the ER proved otherwise, someday if I have a real heart attack, I’ll eschew going to the hospital, thinking it’s just another anxiety attack.
Best anxiety reducer for me was getting off caffeine and alcohol. When I went off caffeine the anxiety got worse for about 9-10 days but now it has subsided by quite a bit. And when you drink alcohol to reduce anxiety you just kick up more stress hormones when you sober up making anxiety potential worse. Music helps. Keeping tabs on your sensory environment helps too. i’d say 75% of anxiety is the sensory environment. sound, constriction, even just moving and causing the sensory environment to change can intensify it. its a beeatch, but it can be be managed.
45 years of suffering of anxiety . repeating to myself distressing but not dangerous. its only nerves. also reading DR. WEEKES books. good luck my dear friends ps,distraction is the key.
I think this bipolar burble is great. I am also Bipolar. I just wanted to say that you may be anxious about some things but it is important to push yourself to do stuff. I personally went to see a friend in an mma fight and I really didn’t want to be there, people were being rude and it was slated to last for 10 hours. Well I did stay and as I was walking out I felt a huge sense of self accomlishment. Thanks I hope this helps.
Your post really struck a chord w/ me. This morning I was forced to wake up to go somewhere, only to find out that it had been cancelled. Probably from not receiving all the sleep I needed- and my cancelled plan, I could feel a mixed state blowing on the fumes of my psyche. –oh no. not that, please, please, no-
I drank my second cup of hurryandwakemeup coffee and remained in bed for a minute or so..
I could feel the anxiety/angst/dep rising.– what do I do now? waahhh I HATE MIXED STATES.
Then totally unlike me, I got up and FORCED (I mean FORCED) myself to start going thru some papers that needed organizing in the other room..
From there I was out on my deck, in the 84 deg day, pulling weeds out of my flower pots, in my undies and an old ripped Coors beer tee shirt,. (no neighbors can see me for black mail pics)
At first I was FORCING myself, HATING EVERY MINUTE. but the more I worked, the better I felt. I got so much done, I’m still shocked that all of my misery had turned itself around for me.
I was ok. I felt good.. The deck looked beautiful,
I was filthy, but I was ‘happy filthy.’ I hosed myself off and continued to do more & more outside work.
Now wait–this may have been a coincidence, but it worked.for me. The worst and most difficult part, is the FORCING. but. It was either I did some diverting, or I would have gone mixed and freekin mad.
So what you said about feeling a sense of accomplishment- was true for me this morning.
Tomorrow’s a new day. …who said that?
I just found this and I could cry. I’ve gone through this many times. But at this very moment I’m home from work, have been for a week and a half, because my job had become so overwhelming. And I’m a very responsible employee as I’ve worked there 29 years. The anxiety had been building up for months, I felt like I wasn’t myself, and finally I was in physical pain. The doctor took me out of work for awhile.
So my rambling means I can’t believe I’ve come across this now, at the very time I’m struggling the most. Thank you so very much.
Been a lot of cycling with a bad day yesterday…anxiety?or just raging?Anyway bad day yesterday.I have been invited to a 4th of July event tomorrow and I just don’t feel I can be with people.Backing out,for my own well being,gets me a reputation as being ‘standoffish’ at best.
The state I am in is not the ‘take a deep breath it will be OK’ place.Even my prn didn’ t do it.What does anyone do in this situation?
My anxiety has been particularly bad lately after a flare up of my BPAD which is just now getting back under control. Seriously, even mundane things like making the bed set me off.
I told my therapist about it and her helpful recommendation was what I had already come up with on my own. Starting up Tai Chi.
Now I wait for it to get here in the mail and hope it helps.
Yes,I agree Natash mum was nice & trying her best.
What helps me ( I’m on regular doses anti anxiety meds as I suffer from GAD too,FUN…not…
Is,if your inside get outside breathe get away from other ppl.
Plus,I bring my iPod,usually volume quite loud,drown out the world,as is.
I find that,plus closing my eyes few seconds before waiting on my taxi to take me home from the shop helps.
But there’s 2 sides to a pancake.
What works for one individual,could be a wreck for another
Hope your holiday improves…
Stay well.
i ‘anxietied’ myself into er at 2am in the morning night before last. i revisited a word i haven’t thought of in years. introvert. I forgot that it’s my nature for as long as i can remember.
i’ve been ‘guilting’ myself out for decades because people say i ‘need’ to socialize more. it is usually boring as hell and i want to just go home. so much anxiety because i forgot who i was. yes, i do need to get out more but not that much.
I just want to go home and write. small talk drives me nuts.
i hope it gets better for you NT.
i kept thinking
I don’t have diagnosed anxiety along with bipolar, but I get these episodes when I feel rushed or overwhelmed and i kick into this crazy high gear person. I rush through everything, have really quick movements, and get spazzed out at the smallest thing.
Last night my anxiety flared up like I drank a cup of MSG. I could NOT sleep. Heavy on the ”not”. I ended up taking a lot of Valium, a ‘makes me sleep’y Tylenol, and then a generic sleeping pill. nothing.
Then at around 5 am I was online straight to the hynosis area of you tube for a dose of relaxation.
I don’t know or care if it’s psychosomatic — but it worked for me.
I got my usual 7 hours of zz’s but I’m sick about my current insomnia, thus exasperating my anxiety even more. Not that insomnia is the only problem in my life, it’s not. Not- by a long shot. My anxiety causes me to have anxiety. It perpetuates itself. I jump to conclusions, I’m thinking of a mllion things I have to do, I’m angry that I can’t do thoses million things, I’m angry that I’m alway depressed, anxious, -you know the drill. Repeat and rinse.
What to do. What to say. For each of us it’s SO different. I, for one, would opt for a massage, but I fired the masseuse yesterday. Then I’d want my p-doc to be there. right there, sitting on my bed, comforting me, telling me I’m not stark raving mad, just anxious.
“What can I do to help you?” THAT keeps the Kryptonite away. It sounds so simple, and it is, but you can’t ask your signifigant other to SAY that sentence, b/c it loses it’s punch, if you have to ask.
THEY should know it by now. duh.
You have to get lost. Get lost doing something that distracts you. shop, read, go online. You have to madly search for the thing that keeps you from ripping your eye brows off your face.
I just sent this article to my husband. Will it help? Possibly for the rest of the day, b/c he thinks I’m ok. sane. not sick as Fk, imagining things, or over reacting. He doesn’t see the forest, for the trees. Because he loves me, and doesn’t want this for me SO much, that he’d rather act like it’s not there.
Every day he asks me, “how do you feel” and I say something like “like shit, or wasted, drunkish, (depending on how much swill I took to fall asleep) terrible, shakey, sad, –on & on. Ok, he did his duty, –he asked.
I need to be held like a chld, talked to, comforted by his OWN words, told I’m going to be ok, or that it will pass. Pure unadulterated kindness. Nothing snide. I want everyone to be snideless around me.
I am over sensitised- and it doesn’t ‘go away’ like the measles. It hangs on like a heavy, hairy monkey on my back.
I’m sick of drugs. phuck drugs. Coming here and talking blows off steam, but it’s no solution.
You can only ”look” for what helps you. I can’t recommend a restaurant to you, b/c you might hate their spaghetti.
We each have to find our own way out. And the ‘exit’ sign is lost in the thick, smokey fog.
Natasha, I definitely agree that “but it should be” doesn’t work for me either. Although you clearly were at a loss for time, I will sometimes sit down and type out some kind of rant that I never intend to send. Sometimes I have to resort to a Xanax under the tongue. Sometimes, if I’m out at the Walmart, I’ll just leave the cart and go to the car and try to wait it out before going home. What doesn’t work is ” OK, try to be calm” (duh ! I am ! ) . I find “Why? ” to be completely useless. But the least helpful is “There’s nothing to be anxious about. ” REALLY ! A you aware of the **** that goes on in the world. In your situation you had a specific timeframe you were working in but when it happens to me I just shut down until it passes. The best way for someone to help is to get me to a “safe place”. Home base is as far as I want to be. But I , too, am open to ideas and suggestions from other sufferers.