As I’ve said many times, people view me as a high-functioning bipolar. And to a large extent, this is true. I do many things every day that many people with bipolar disorder can’t do because of their illness. I do battle with my bipolar demons and win more than some others. But here’s the thing: I still find bipolar disorder, and life, to a large extent completely overwhelming and I feel paralyzed by it.
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Asking someone with severe depression how they’re doing is very much like asking someone who is repeatedly being bashed over the head by a 2” X 4” how they’re doing.
How are you doing?
Oh, I’m fine, except for the 2” X 4” smashing into my skull.
Asking a depressed person how they’re doing is the same. They’re fine, except for the crippling, soul-sucking depression.
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Recently I wrote about the phenomenon of “earworms” which (if you ask me) is a type of obsessive thought. It’s when music gets stuck in your head. It’s something that everyone experiences, and it’s annoying but I suspect that earworms are a type of obsessive thought that occurs in those with bipolar disorder more than for other people. (There isn’t evidence of this, but there is evidence that those with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) get more earworms and bipolar disorder may be linked to OCD.)
But, of course, music isn’t the only thing that one’s brain can be obsessed with. In fact, I find that if music isn’t playing in my head like a broken record (ask your parents) there are thoughts obsessively circling that I can’t get rid of.
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I’m often asked by people, “I want to die. What should I do?”
It’s very, very sad.
But it is a reality for so many. So many people want to die at one point or another in their lives. It might be related to a mental illness like depression or it might not. But regardless as to why a person wants to die, it’s critical to know what to do if it’s happening to you or someone you care about. (Suicide and suicide attempt resources here.)
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The other day I was searching for a hairstylist. My hair is hard to keep up, very challenging for a stylist and thus, very expensive, so if I leave the salon with anything but exactly what I want, I’m more than a little peeved. I’m the client and I want what I paid for.
And as I was looking at various salons and considering which stylists might do a good job, it occurred to me, I’m spending more time on this than most people spend on finding a psychiatrist.
So how does one choose a psychiatrist anyway?
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I am not happy. People who know me well, know this about me. Sure, I act happy, because what choice do I have considering societal norms, but happy I am not.
So the question is, can a person with bipolar disorder by happy?
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Yesterday, I was fortunate enough to give a presentation on mental illness to a group of ninth-graders through the Bipolar Babe project. I spoke about stigma and my personal story of mental illness. I told them all about my bipolar disorder, my diagnosis, treatments, treatment failures, vagus nerve stimulator, electroconvulsive therapy and more. And at the end of the presentation, the kids had a chance to fill out feedback forms, and one of the words they used surprised me – inspirational.
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Hypomania. People haven’t generally heard of that word, but once they have, they want to know, what does bipolar hypomania feel like? This is a reasonable question with a completely unreasonable answer.
Hypomania can occur in many illnesses but it is a diagnostic feature of bipolar II. People with bipolar II experience hypomanias as opposed to the manias of bipolar I. I generally shortcut the definition and simply say that hypomania is like mania light.
Bipolar hypomania is not life-threatening by definition. Mania, on the other hand, is. In fact, to me hypomanias are little more than a bother. Well, a bother with the positive side effect of being a very fast way to get work done. Usually, but not always. Bipolar moods and their impacts tend to be unpredictable.
This is not the case for everyone, however. Hypomanias can jump in and destroy your life quite nicely, thanks. They remove judgement and create a sense of hypersexuality for many. This leads to, say, jumping the bones of the person next to you, over and over. Or spending money that you don’t have on Versace handbags. Or gambling away your rent money. Or writing an endless stream of gobbledygook and posting it on the internet making you seem a little, um, nutty, all the while insisting that it was genius. Or being so angry that you scream at the flies (not to mention people) that dare annoy you by entering your apartment. And other things. All of which have a habit of harming relationships and lifestyles.
Like a freight train running through the middle of my head.
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I get a lot of feedback on my writing. I like feedback. Some of it’s positive, some of it’s negative, but it’s always interesting to know what other people are thinking of my writing.
But one of the types of comments that drives me absolutely nuts goes like this, “I lived with a bipolar person for 20 years and I don’t understand why people with bipolar are so angry,” or they’re “so violent,” or “so manipulative,” or “cheaters,” or whatever.
Here’s what drives me crazy about it – living with someone with bipolar disorder does not make you an expert on people with bipolar disorder; it makes you an expert in one person. Not all of us.
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