I have a bad habit of thinking everything is my fault. It’s remarkable, actually. No matter what happens and no matter what other people do, it always feels like I made it happen. This is a personal inclination of mine, psychologically, I suspect, but it’s also impacted by depression. If you feel like everything is your fault, read on as to why that might be and what to do about it.
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Bipolar emotions and my genuine emotions are two different things, even though they come from one brain. In fact, they can be two opposite things. It’s quite complicated to separate a bipolar emotion from my legitimate, organic emotion. What I often find is that the bipolar emotions are so overwhelming that my genuine emotions get drowned out. I feel like I’m trying to separate s specific drop of water from the ocean.
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I never stop crying. I can understand why you might think this isn’t true. After all, my cheeks are dry right now. But, believe me, I never stop crying, whether it’s external or suppressed enough to be internal. I have found depression can be like that. No matter what is happening — good or bad — the tears are always there. The depression is always there. It’s bigger than me. it’s stronger than me. And make no mistake; it is also trying to kill me. The omnipresent tears are merely a warning sign.
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Emotional permanence is a term I recently heard for the first time. It has to do with believing in emotions even when they can’t be seen. This concept is taken from object permanence which is the understanding that objects exist even when they can’t be seen. When I read the term, I realized that I have problems with emotional permanence. I also realized that not having a consistent sense of emotional permanence was a major cause of anxiety.
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People with bipolar disorder deserve love — the same love as everyone else. It’s important to realize this if you have bipolar disorder, yes, but it’s important that everyone else realize that truism too. Love isn’t something that is reserved for the perfect or the able, love is something that humans get to feel, period. Learn more about why I know that people with bipolar disorder deserve love.
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Today I want to talk about how hopelessness plus suffering often equals suicide. Just suffering or just being hopeless often isn’t enough. It’s when these things come together that a suicide attempt is made. And while these two variables are not the only ones that can lead to suicide, hopelessness and suffering sure are big ones.
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I say “I’m grumpy” when really I’m depressed all the time. Like, all the time. It just seems to slip out when people ask me how I am. I think it’s because saying “I’m grumpy” feels like less of a lie than “I’m fine.” I also think that saying “I’m grumpy” is more socially appropriate than saying “I’m depressed.” It’s like saying, “I’m dealing with a negative emotion right now but it’s one you’ll understand,” as opposed to, “I’m dealing with an illness right now that you’ll never understand.” So, yes, when I’m depressed I’ll most often admit to being “grumpy.”
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Bipolar disorder can absolutely make me feel useless. I woke up this morning and I went about my routine of feeding the cats, taking meds and so on. That’s fine. Then I sat down at my computer to start work. I started doing my social media tasks for the day, answering comments and so on. And then my brain just seized. Suddenly, thanks to bipolar disorder, I was useless.
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The issue with bipolar disorder isn’t that we have feelings, it’s that our feelings are too big. Emotions are normal, even big emotions at certain times are normal but people with bipolar have feelings that are too big far too much of the time.
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