Bipolar disorder can absolutely make me feel useless. I woke up this morning and I went about my routine of feeding the cats, taking meds and so on. That’s fine. Then I sat down at my computer to start work. I started doing my social media tasks for the day, answering comments and so on. And then my brain just seized. Suddenly, thanks to bipolar disorder, I was useless.
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I realize I need to recognize the real me who has bipolar disorder and not the idealized me that, theoretically, does not. What I need to recognize, to deal with, is the me of today and not the me before bipolar disorder or the me of five years ago. Things change. I have changed dramatically and what I’m capable of has changed too. I need to recognize this in everyday life. I need to work with the current, real, bipolar me and not the me I wish I were.
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For many of us, we are expected to be fat and happy on bipolar medication. This is because many...
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It’s the time of year when everyone is making New Year’s resolutions – including New Year’s resolutions by those with bipolar disorder. While I’m not a huge believer in “New Year’s” resolutions (I think you can resolve to change in small ways at any time), I do think that there are ways to create good New Year’s resolutions if you have bipolar disorder and, perhaps more importantly, bad ones. Here’s how to avoid bad New Year’s resolutions by making good New Year’s resolutions if you have bipolar disorder.
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My bipolar makes me feel so angry, but I know I’m not. I know I’m not really angry. I know that the signals that I’m angry are coming from my sick, bipolar brain. But I feel very angry anyway. I can’t make the anger go away, even through notable insight. It’s so frustrating and the existence of the anger, and my inability to make it go away, makes me even madder.
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When I make a mistake while experiencing bipolar depression, I beat myself up like none other. I get so angry with myself and obsess over any tiny, perceived mistake I make. Bipolar depression (and depression, in general) is brutal for that. As we all make them, we need to learn to deal with mistakes even with bipolar depression.
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Last week I tattooed over my suicide attempt scars. This isn’t because I wanted to cover every scar on my body – quite frankly, I have tens of self-harm scars – this is for other reasons. Covering specifically my suicide attempt scars with a tattoo is symbolic. I consider it positive and I hope its permanency will remind me of its positivity for the rest of my life.
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I want to be dead. I live with wanting to be dead every day. It’s this thought that constantly plagues my mind: “I want to be dead.” I want to not be here. I want to go home. I want anything that will end the suffering. Living with wanting to be dead is, well, a bitch.
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Many people have made the point bipolar disorder is an invisible illness. That’s one of the things about it that make it so frustrating. People can’t see bipolar disorder; it isn’t part of their reality; so, obviously, it isn’t important or life-altering. Some people take this to the conclusion of suggesting bipolar disorder doesn’t really exist at all. But we know bipolar disorder is real. We know something doesn’t have to be outwardly visible, or even visible under a microscope, to be real. Bipolar disorder may be an inherently invisible illness but let’s do what we can to make it visible. Let’s stand up for the invisible.
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