How a Person with Bipolar Thinks

This is an interesting question: how does a person with bipolar disorder think? Of course, it’s hard for me to compare it with your average person as I have bipolar disorder. I don’t have the two thought processes in my one brain to compare.

This is not to say that we all think the same way; nevertheless, I do have some ideas on how people with bipolar disorder think that seem to stand out amongst the “normals.”

Obsessive Bipolar Thoughts

Your average person may have obsessive thoughts, now and then, I don’t know, but what I do know is that people with bipolar disorder have obsessive thoughts a lot of the time. These obsessive bipolar thoughts may be a repeating song from the radio, scenarios (such as a suicide scene) or a replaying of events (often negative ones), but obsessive thoughts seem to be the rule rather than the exception.

Note that research bears this out indicating that people with bipolar disorder have higher rates of obsessive-compulsive disorder than the average population.

Extreme Bipolar Thoughts

People with bipolar disorder think differently, so how does a person with bipolar disorder think? More at the Bipolar Burble blog.It seems to me that simply by the virtue of extreme emotional experience, people with bipolar disorder think in the extreme quite frequently. Everything feels like the end of the world (catastrophizing). We’re not upset, we’re depressed. We’re not suspicious, we’re paranoid. We’re not happy, we’re elated. And, of course, there are all the thoughts that go along with these things. If our boyfriend looks at another girl he must be cheating. If we have a disagreement with a friend they must hate us. If we’re criticized at work we must be getting fired. It’s not that we don’t necessarily understand these things aren’t reasonable; it’s just that we can’t help the way our brain thinks, the way it leaps.

Not everyone jumps to the extremes, but people with bipolar seem to have that tendency.

Anxious Bipolar Thoughts

Of course, because people with bipolar have jumped to the extremes – usually negative ones – we sure the heck worry about it once we get there. Worried and anxious bipolar thoughts are very common and, what’s worse, is that seeing as we also obsess, we tend to obsessively worry or feel obsessively anxious.

Distracted Bipolar Thoughts

And then there are all the distracted-, multi-tasking-type thoughts. People with bipolar disorder have higher rates of attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), and regardless as to whether you have ADHD, people with bipolar disorder tend to think in ADHD-type ways. We tend to multi-task compulsively. We tend to get distracted. We tend to run away with our thoughts.

Overreaction to Bipolar Thoughts

It’s not very surprising that due to all these odd thoughts, due to all the extreme, obsessive and distracting thoughts that we overreact to situations. If your brain automatically goes to a catastrophe situation and then becomes obsessed with it, it’s really tough to have a moderate response – even when it’s a moderate situation.

I’m sure this frustrates the people around us to no end, but I have to say, it frustrates me considerably more.

Dealing with These Bipolar Thoughts

People with bipolar disorder are constantly trying to figure out what a “normal” and “reasonable” thought process and reaction would be in any given situation. We’re constantly trying to overcome how our bipolar brain naturally thinks in order to have healthy interactions and healthy relationships. We’re constantly trying to deal with the extremeness of our thoughts internally so we don’t thrust them on the external world.

And this is beyond difficult. Trying to defeat the way a bipolar brain thinks is near-on impossible. Dealing with bipolar thoughts is a full-time gig and an exhausting one at that. But it is important. Because if we don’t moderate our own thoughts and deal with them appropriately, we can’t hope to have healthy relationships with others. And if that happens then all those pesky catastrophes we worried needlessly about will have come true.

Leave a Reply

  1. I’ve never read a more accurate description of how it feels to think the way I do. All the time. It never. Ever. Stops.

  2. Well I’m bi-polar, hear voices,til I finally told someone that the voices were the ones that were always telling me what a terrible mom, an person I was and to hurt between taking enough meds to put your mind in a state well let’s say I dont know I just get up every day

  3. These are my symptoms,compulsive writing,physical exhausted,binge eating loss of appetite,seasonal depression,difficulty making decisions,baby blues,miss judge time,mental confusion, difficulty concentrating, getting lost,some times have a great interest to be around people other times I want to be alone,I internalize peoples hurtful comments.I would like to know how not to internalize hurtful comments ?

  4. As you point out, we can never really know how our thoughts differ from others’. I have severe Bipolar 1 and I also suffer from severe anxiety and insecurity. How much of that is due to my illness is hard to say because just the fact of having a mental illness causes insecure feelings in me, never mind how my Bipolar 1 actually changes my thoughts.

    My general (and uninformed) opinion is that people with mood disorders experience the world “loudly.” When I’m manic, colours to me are more vivid and I’m completely blown away by sunsets, etc. What should be a small irritant (perhaps a car not stopping at a crosswalk) enrages me. When I look at somebody I love, I am overwhelmed with emotion. Everything is just too much and “loud” is the only way I can describe it.

    When I’m depressed (and I spend more time depressed than manic), the “loudness” works in the opposite direction. A small setback becomes a catastrophe in my mind. I am currently stable and the major way I differ now in my thinking is I experience a lot of fear, fear that I’ll become ill again. I try to ignore this fear because it has now protective value and, if I get anxious enough, might even make depression more likely.

    Despite the havoc my bipolar disorder has caused, I am grateful for some things. I used to be ashamed of it; now I’m proud of being a survivor. When I get to know somebody and explain my situation, they’re usually interested and supportive (and if they’re not, I lose interest). And, lastly, there were some things that I did while I was manic that are actually hilarious in retrospect in their craziness. Other things, of course, are shameful.

    I love this blog and am so glad I found it. Thank you for your great writing.

  5. Hello,
    I’ve been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years. Couple of months ago boyfriend was diagnosed with BP II.He is military and also has PTSD…I haven’t had any help on how to handle this but lately this has changed his thought process. I moved across the world to be with him and we talked about getting married and starting a family. We recently got into an heated argument of how I feel ignored and asking him what he wants. He replied, “he don’t know anymore”. I asked if he wants marriage and kids and he said no. I’m so hurt and feel like I wasted all these years when he never felt like this before. I’m confused and don’t know what to do besides move out. I’ve been supportive and tried to understand. Seems like he just want to stay alone in a room…

    • The hardest thing about being bipolar II and having PSTD is when we are in a relationship. I have both, and probably more, and relationships are difficult. One thing that I have noticed is when we are going through an episode is we feel like the other person should automatically understand and know what we are going through, how we feel, et cetera, and to give us what we want without asking for it. Which, normally, is just a hug and say it is going to be okay, not ask us what they did to cause this feeling because it is no one’s fault, it is our own minds just jumping to conclusions. He is probably just worried … I know the feeling all too well. I know when I’d get in an episode, I’d go in the bathtub and cry for an hour, cry for an hour after the bath, then try to sleep. Just ask him what you can do to make it better and give him lots of hugs!

    • I am sorry to hear all of this. My wife has bi polar disorder and it is really hard. It is so hard she is in school and she thinks she cant do it. keep staying in there. Have a faith system… it helps ease the pain

  6. Thank you for this. I’m struggling at the moment with part of my relationship with my OH, who has bipolar. I’ve known this from the beginning of our relationship – now nearly 18 months. We’ve talked of moving in together, marriage, a family. I have seen him at his absolute best and supported him through his absolute worst. I have my own issues and he supports me thoroughly through those, all was great.
    However my worry – one which I would appreciate advice for – came from a comment I made when we were friends before we started dating. We had a candid conversation about our intimate histories. He grew up a Catholic and has very strong views about intimacy and love having to be extremely closely related. He has only had one intimate partner before me. I have had a very small number of partners before him, but over the last couple of months he has become increasingly fixated on this, to the point where I am struggling to cope with his persistence in bringing it up in conversation. He still maintains he wants to be with me and have our future – I don’t know what I can do to help him with this obsession. I told him about my past before knowing really what bipolar thoughts were like, and to be honest I wouldn’t have wanted to lie about it anyway because how can you build a relationship based on lies??
    Can anyone advise me how I can help or support him? What we have with the exception of this one thing is so amazing I don’t want to give it up. I truly truly love him and will do anything to help him – but am just at a loss as what to do next. Please help me.

  7. Hi,
    I have bipolar disorder. However, I am currently stable thanks to a medication combination that currently works (hallelujah) and I am careful about lifestyle (stress!). So….when I am well, which thankfully is the majority of the time I don’t consider my thinking to be any different than anyone else’s. So I found your article a bit off-putting. As if my mind, and how I think, is different because I have this disorder. It really is not. I believe that people
    That have not been diagnosed with anything could have those extreme types of thoughts and emotions at times too, in times of stress. I really do not believe humans are all that different from each other. Yes, I can have extreme thoughts and emotions when I become unwell, but like everyone else, having insight and perspective is helpful, having someone or others to share and express, get it out, helps volumes.

    To me, my bipolar disorder means I am more vulnerable than others to extreme highs or lows or mood, which will affect my judgment and behaviour ( definitely if I did not take the medication). My vulnerability is triggered by STRESS, not sleeping properly. But when I am stable, and I am so grateful that I am (I know I am lucky) I don’t believe I am any different than anyone else.

    Just my 2 cents.

    I am a great admirer of your writings btw :)

  8. Your post confused me. I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder and you’re describing exactly that. Are you sure your diagnosis is correct?

    • Hi Valeria,

      Reading about bipolar and borderline personality, there’s something interesting : Apparently bipolar symptoms are the same as borderline, except for two areas. One : The person who has borderline suffers with a chronic sense of loneliness. Two : The person with borderline has an intense fear of abandonment. According to what I’ve researched, people who have bipolar do not meet these two criteria. But, it is possible ( I would think ) to have bipolar and borderline. What I’ve written is based on book learning, which can be flawed or entirely wrong. It makes sense, though.

    • Hi Valeria

      I was just in a care facility and I was informed that multiple personality disorder is no longer in the big big of diagnosis’s, whatever that is called. Don’t know if its true, but thats what my one worker said. Perhaps the world of medicine continues to evolve with treatment and diagnosis.

  9. I am what someone without BPD would call “normal” but I have a bipolar 2 younger sister, and have had to give up my career and life to help my elderly and chronically ill parents be her caretaker.

    There is no end to the worry, confusion, anxiety and exercise of resources we dedicate to helping my sister. So, Natasha, whilst I’m terribly sorry for your living with a brain that behaves differently to others; and whilst I entirely understand that you (collectively, not individually) have limited control over your thoughs, behaviours and reactions; I AM FLATLY tired of bipolar blogs, websites, posts etc which claim that bipolar people “know” how much anxiety, frustration, trouble etc they can cause those around them! There are hundreds of thousands of channels where bipolar sufferers claim that, “as bad as xyz is for you, trust me that it is worse for ME”. I hear that ceaslessly from my sister and all of you.

    Like a broken record, bipolar sufferers go on and on and on about how no-one can imagine how THEY feel. They have one-track minds which assume that normal people have an imaginary ability to live in THEIR heads, but we simply choose not to. How hypocritical and self-righteous! You can’t even manage your own thoughts, yet you all claim with clarity that you can live in normal peoples’ heads and even go as far as quantifying our feelings. In degrees, even. No matter how bad YOUR illness is, no matter how far reaching the damage, no matter how much money is lost to your destruction, no matter the fear your illness causes, no matter the love and support and no matter what everyone else has to give up for you to go on, YOU can say, with certainty, that you *know* we just don’t have it as bad as you?! Please explain how your different brain reached this conclusion?

    I’m so angry and hurt and annoyed at yet another bipolar sufferer cloaking their narcissistic arrogance behind an illness and determining from their medicated haze that normal people have no anxiety, fear, trepidation or struggles in cognitive function. We ALL live on a spectrum. You do NOT need to feel guilty for your brain’s function, but you MAY NOT make comments about the *experiences* of others in a comparative sense! I am constantky made to feel that my own thoughts, feelings, exhaustion, fear of her rage that once culminated in her chasing me round the house with 3 butchers’ knives determined to kill me because she had gotten into some delusional mania that I was communicating with a former crush if hers I have NEVER even met was just grounds to break down my bedroom door and attempt to murder me! According to YOU, it must have been fairly serious for me at the time, but it doesn’t matter because it could only have been worse for my poor, abnormally-brained sister.

    The inability to fall into a deep sleep, the locking myself inside my bedroom, the crying for months after the attack are remanded to being the logical musings of a “normal” brain from someone with an illness that automatically absolves them of any responsibility for the carnage and destruction they wreck on the lives and psyche of their caretakers. I do not expect my sister to feel guilty or to blame for how her brain processed things. However, you have NO right, and all you bipolar sufferers can take this to heart, to claim that her suffering in that situation was more than mine (or anyone else’s for that matter) because our brains are different.

    Try considering that “normal” people are after exactly the same peace and stability that you all struggle to attain in your lives, and your illness UNWITTINGLY inhibits more than just YOU from reaching it. You should add that to your list: “A bipolar brain is set to a default of SELF. It cannot empathise or accurately predict non-dichotomous neuroses nor can it understand spectrums. Whilst this simplistic mechanism is very frustrating to a bipolar sufferer; the reality is that it is NOT a normal brained person’s fault and bipolar people should be wary of dismissing the unique set of challenges “normal” brained people face when assisting and relating to bipolar sufferers. The degree of trauma, frustration, pain, cost and fracture to health and functioning cannot be measured by either party. And even if they could, it is far less likely that the bipolar brain would be the one able to do this. And still be bipolar.”

    • Hi Hannah Priscilla,

      The situation you’ve described sounds frightening and heartbreaking. It’s not right that you have had to sacrifice your career and life to be the caretaker for your elderly, sick parents and your sister. Reading your story, I can partially understand why you might be upset and angry, but I can’t fully understand because I’m not in a situation like yours, and I never have been. Only with my imagination can I know anything at all about what life is like for you. Your only ” crime ” is you can’t fully understand what it’s like to have bipolar because you don’t have it. We are the same in this one respect, along with everyone else on this planet; we can’t truly know until it happens to us, and even then everyone experiences things differently. Compassion and kindness are the best ways I know of to be connected with each other. Bad events outside of parents and sister have happened in your life. Who is showing you the compassion and kindness that you so rightly deserve ?

    • When it comes to mental illness there cant be too many blogs because the medical profession is still in the toddler stage when it comes to understanding the brain. What is supposed to happen, within this context, is to collect bits and pieces of a blogger’s opinions followed by your perceptions and date. If you, as a carer, are angry and asked for your perspective on an others’s opinion while reflecting on his/her diss-ease, it’s going to be a heck of a lot different than were you to be content. Bipolar is something i HAVE- it is not who i am. I am responsible for everything i do and its consequences. I hold myself accountable for what happens TO me and then obsess over the Karmic WHY. I have/am conditioned myself not to tress-pass another’s cognitive, emotional and physical space unless invited. I despise being the cause of someone’s pain and regret. I can do this because i have bothered to look out for triggers and with discipline and mindfulness i am able to dip into my box of coping skills. I now retreat when i feel some fanatical or extreme reaction bubbling up inside of me. My solution is exhaustion so i go the physical route. Connecting with nature does it for me so come rain. tornadoes or hurricanes, i will box into the soil until my fists loose feeling
      I curse the day the Bipolar label was carved unto my forehead, after a brain scan. Over-night i became persona non-grata. Those i loved/love spoke over me, in front of me, about me and referred to me as ‘SHE’ like i was invisible. Suddenly everyone knew the why, what, when, where and how’s about me. I was no different than at any other time of my life except for the label. This comfort zone is empowering to the observer and the carer becomes the focus of everyone’s admiration and empathy. I cycle between pain, frustration, betrayal and anger all of the time but now it’s just part of ”what the f@ck, life happens…i got the short straw this time round” When im depressed i stay away from others and when im manic i get super creative and suddenly everyone wants my company. At seventeen- becoming conscious that my erratic behavior was hurting those close to me, i left home, i left the country, i decided not to have kids. Iv not had a serious relationship for ten years. This i did without resentment and complete acceptance that , though i will always mean what i say i will seldom get it right to say what i mean. I am not into self-flagellation and have no desire to become a martyr nor a victim. So until i can wear this fragile shell like Armour i will continue to enjoy my own company.
      In my world, your world and all citizens of the world need to take a sledge-hammer to stereo-typing. Learn what it means to be tolerant and fight for the protection of diversity.
      Just like all Muslims are NOT terrorists- not all Bipolar folk chose Entitlement over Accountability.
      This is my story.

      • Trizia,

        Thanks for taking the time to reply. I do know that stereotyping bipolar sufferers helps neither the caretakers nor the people, themselves; however I think you proved my point. You have not been fair to compare typecasting minorities or lesser-abled with being a caretaker to a person with a mental illness. A specific one. This is not a correct comparison. Take for example, a White male with a Law degree being offered a traineeship at a prestigious law firm over a Black female with a higher qualification because clients don’t like her dreadlocks as opposed to a Geography graduate being offered the job. In this example, stereotyping Jamaicans, Rastafarians etc is entirely different from a completely different discipline. As the biological, physiological and psychological make up of the brain of a bipolar person and someone without it are entirely different. This article was talking about existent differences in brain functioning; and specifically a bipolar brain versus a non-bipolar brain. I’m not on this forum to slam anyone and I have experienced NPD, BPD, MDD, and other mental illnesses and personality disordered people. Bipolar sufferers are the only ones who struggle with the one trait Natasha mentioned which I disagreed with: reluctance to acknowledge an inability to accurately guage the impact of their ilness upon others. I am NOT the only person who has ever experienced dishonesty, entitlement and unmitigated cruelty in relationships with Bipolar people. Those unique set of behaviours only manifested in the Bipolar people and those where bipolar was a comorbid disorder. Clearly not ALL of you are violent, not all of you are selfish by nature, not all of you recklessly spend money ordinarily or cheat on your spouses out of premeditated malice or are substance abusers. But you ALL cannot understand how a non-bipolar brain receives and experiences your illness. You said yourself that you isolate due to ruining relationships but not being able (due to your illness) to put an end to it.

        How is that different from my telling Natasha that by stating that “a non-bipolar person doesn’t experience the same level of frustration from abnormal brain function that a bipolar person does” she is being contradictory? If you don’t see your illness as a frustration, Trizia, why did you relocate? Why are you out of relationships for 10 years. You obviously have SOME recognition that being bipolar affects more than just yourself. And Natasha does too, or else she wouldn’t have posted this. So, why say that the impact is negligible in one sentence and then turn around and say that it isn’t?

        You are trying to have it both ways here, Trizia.
        Natasha too.
        Many others as well.

        You have moved countries, determined not to have children and a whole host most because you know your illness causes you to hurt others. Then when I say, “I am hurt by your *collectively* illness,” you say… “What hurt you was not our illness, it was the conscious choices of an individual who happened to have our illness,”

        I’m less interested in you denying that bipolar causes hurt to people. And pain. And loss. What I don’t appreciate, and sought to understand, was why you can hand yourself a pass (blame the brain when it advances your argument) and deny it is the brain (when it causes your discomfort, frustration or shame) and then argue that you can also measure the impact of your strange assertion on someone else’s brain. My only objection was to the article stating that any one party has it harder than the other. I never said it was easy to be bipolar. I never said you don’t have individual personalities and that the illness doesn’t manifest differently in individuals. But Trizia, just like my sister; just like Natasha, just like thousands of blogs, you are only able to focus upon your own hurt and your response toward me was cruel and unhelpful. Whether you meant for it to be, or not.

        I’m someone who has compassion on the mentally ill and gave up ALL so that my sister can have even the slightest chance at functioning healthily. I got from this article and your response a painful snub that “It can’t be as bad for you as it is for me,” and subsequently, I need to check my nasty prejudices because my legitimate hurt must certainly be invalid.” That was precisely my point. Bipolar people have a bipolar brain. They should not venture into explaining the non-bipolar brain.

    • Sorry Hannah, i wanted to add something but mom needed the computer.. Has your sister been properly diagnosed? Correctly medicated? and by a physician who is reputed (not necessarily expensive) to knowing what he’s on about with reference to mental disorders AND remains updated about newly approved medication. There is an extremely fine line between Schizophrenia and Bipolar but a huge difference when it comes down to extreme physical violence brought on by paranoia. Perhaps others have but i have never witnessed or heard of nor read any material where a Manically Depressed person (Bipolar is a term not older than 50 years and was adopted to make the merry-go-round in your head, sound more hip and trendy ) turns so horrifically on one of their own. We are more inclined to sabotage our life’s journey through self- harm, suicide, extreme sport.
      The other thing i wanted to mention is medication. I have mine administered to me, strictly because i know i would be ‘easy come-easy go’ about it. Reading your nightmare i immediately thought this girl is Schizophrenic. Hypothetically., if your sister were to be re-diagnosed with Schizophrenia and given the proper meds the same terror would play itself out if she were to stop the medication.
      For yourself ensure, create or join a support. This one would not be up for negotiation. My mom is unaware that i know she discusses me………. a lot. It pisses me off but it’s her therapy which lifts a lot of guilt off my shoulders. There is no way on this earth that you will come out of this unscathed.
      Apologies, i have a tendency to take the scenic route instead of just getting to the point which is simply. GET A SECOND< THIRD and FOURTH opinion (finances permitting) Okay, im finished now.
      Just one more thing. I sincerely wish for you to find the strength and courage to own your life so you can discover SELF . You already know all there is to know about sufferance. Choose to experience something else. Once your sister is stabilized which should be a given once you attract the right physician- throw out the fear, guilt and doubt and make it clear to your sister she is now accountable for every breath she takes. Let her know that if ever she ever self-diagnoses herself as cured and stops the meds, you will have her certified.
      I may throw a tantrum if i hear the threat but it's sobering- in retrospect. Okay NOW im finished.

      • Thank you for coming back, I showed your reply to my sister and parents. She has made an apointment to see her Psychiatrist the day after tomorrow. Thank you for your help.

    • Hello Hannah,
      I just finished reading your initial post and I believe you have every right to just let all your feelings flood the page until you find that small sense of relief. Talking about your side of caring for your sister and being completely honest on how it makes you feel, is a hard, bold, and positive step for yourself. No one was designed to carry the type of weight you take on every day and sometimes saying/writing how it truly makes you feel can give yourself a sense of comfort, not forever but for a moment.
      You also need to know how strong you are compared to most. I know it takes 100% commitment and toughness to take care of your family the way you do. Your compassion shines though your post when you say things such as, you gave up your career for your mentally ill sister and your chronically ill parents; that’s pure love but saying that you gave up your life for them is entirely your own choice.
      I have dedicated all of my life, body, and soul to caring for my mentally ill family members. I take pride in knowing, that when they do need someone, I’ll be there. They are my life, my love. There comes a time in life when the realization of “family comes first” shows the ugly and bad moments that occurs in every family household. You are not the first and you will not be the last. I understand the frightening effects that your sister’s disease, Bipolar Disorder, can have on you. But do you understand how frightening it may be for your sister to not know when those outbursts will happen and then remember her uncontrolable action? The guilt she may feel?
      Reverse the roles. You are in her shoes and she in yours, what would you hope for? Bipolar patients, from my experience, have a higher level of hope than the average person. Your sister has a chronic disease that seems to sometimes drive you mad but you are well and healthy and that is something you must come to terms with.
      We all have sacrifices that we must make, that goes for everyone. I go to college full-time, work full-time, take care of my father (currently in chemo – and has been since I was 6 yrs. old), my mother with her depression (unipolar), and my brother’s 7 children, which we currently all live under a single roof.

      I also take care of myself.
      I am a 26 year old female that suffers from bipolar disorder II, anxiety disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, and seizure disorder and Hannah, the only thought that allows me to never commit suicide, is knowing my family needs me and I need them. I understand you have all your our stressors, frustrations, sad moments and happy moments but for someone with bipolar disorder there is no cause to their outward mood reactions. They way I explain how I feel to people when I’m down down, it like this:
      -My mood and mind are at a funeral.
      -Yet no one died.

  10. I can relate to this. I’m not Bi-Polar(I don’t think)but I have a lot of catastrophic thoughts, and I think I inherited this tendancy from relatives who ARE Bi-Polar. And they are so exasperating. They argue off the top of their head. My father would just throw a fit about nothing. My Aunt will tell me I should work in a film archive, assuming one can just go get a job at one(there’s little turnover at those places)and go into this whole spiel about how I should move to New York so I can work in one, and how there MUST be affordable housing somewhere there. She always argues off an assumption, argues for that assumption with ANOTHER assumption, and argues for the other assumption with ANOTHER assumption! This isn’t arguing, this is the Telly Savalas Player’s Club ad. She viciously accused me of pulling “Dumb N….R Syndrome” when my Grandmother suggested that I use the dishwasher instead of washing the dishes by hand, assuming I was deliberately being lazy.

  11. This is such a great post Natasha and describes me perfectly. I can see why is has been so popular.

    Congratulations on all your success with your blog and thank you for all you do!

  12. One of my professors said I immersed myself in projects. I think immersed is a better word
    than compulsion because it offers the possibility of choice, with maybe a hint of self control.
    Another opinion – a diagnosis is just a word, it allows people to play scrabble with your brain.

    • A person with BP at any level do not have the filter, social cues or self control that normal people do period – medications and therapy helps for sure. Diagnosis is not just a word, it is a word that follow a real medical illness followed by treatment. Cancer/ MS and so on is not just a word/diagnosis that allows people to play around with your body. No one in their right mind would ever say that.

  13. I pray a Bipolar person come and save this nation from the so called ” mentally sound” people running this country. Mentally unsound people think outside the box they have ideas mentally sound people have trouble coming up with. I want to hear the voice of the depressed, Schizophrenic, Dyslexic, Blind, DIDS, etc. I want to be the voice of the mentally unsound and physically handicapped. Let me be the voice of 330 million Americans. Let me cry for you let me laugh for you let me carry you. I’ll be there when the world is on fire and ice. I’m fire and ice, i’m yes and i’m no, i’m your worst enemy, i’m your worst lover, i’m your best friend, i’m your best lover. I’m everything that matters and nothing that counts. You’ll never know who I am. I may that cute girl at Starbucks reading the latest issue of Batman. I may be that guy at the gym you were always afraid to ask out. I may not even exist as a human. Have you ever thought your living in a Matrix? The people you encounter aren’t real there merely 1’s and 0’s are you feeling lonely yet? This is only the tip of the iceberg for the Bipolar initiated i’m happy i’m Bipolar II. I’ll be the first politician or second that will openly admit my battle with Bipolar. I’ll be like Saladin and prefer peace and negotiation over the Stupid Bush Presidents they wouldn’t know greatness if it smacked them in the face. I’ll show what it means to be great. J.F.K was a poor president, I can do much better I don’t need to cut back door deals with our enemies. I don’t need to sound like a Prophet just be honest and forthright. Honestly I’ll be surprized if this post makes sense. Oh well this is the country of poor, gaammer, were, a Cunt-ry of immigrants wright :’) Si Puede Si. The world wishes they were Bipolar, why do people drink if they don’t want to experience Bipolar, if you drink and do drugs your crazy here take my Meds, you need them more than me :’) Mentally sound people are destroying this planet. Crazies ( Psychopaths/Sociopaths/Bipolar Type I) also are destroying this country too. Were on a path to destruction ask yourself, who will you elect to worsen you, destroy everything you stand for, make you cry, lead you to your demise, create animosity between mother and son, mother and daughter, husband and wife. Are you sad yet? You should be. Think about how great if you elected someone like me for DNC, I can turn heads with just my smile. I can make anyone happy with just my words quuieete( I hate this dumb word uh, I refuse to spell you properly) simply i’m not a creep(I prefer perv lol) and i’m not a guy woman fall for. I’m just your everyday nice guy you can feel safe leaving your son or daughter with me. I’m pure hearted (wat is with spell check today) so stop thinking elect me for DNC. I think we could all reach out and touch faith at this point. Telling you this, was my ” Undisclosed Desire”. Sorry for the long exposition you said you wanted to know what talking to a Bipolar person is like. Be careful what you wish for you may just get it and live happily ever after.

    • OMG…this is exactly why a BP person needs help SORRY! I was killing myself laughing at your all over the place post and slight narcissism. Whether you were joking or not, I’m also thinking you kinda believe it…hahah

      • OMG…..No this is exactly why the rest of the world needs help adapting to the life of people with bipolar, instead of making fun of us by laughing at us etc.. We all have to adapt to your lives which can be hard to understand. We all came from the one same God and he loves us all bipolar or not bipolar.

        • To the normal thinking person yes it’s sounds nuts and it is period!. I have dealt with people with BP, addicts – sex, drugs, gambling and booze. They all have pretty much the same characteristics give or take, bottom line is take your meds (everyday) and go to therapy monthly or more if needed, you all need it trust “us” when we say this. No one said it is going to be easy, but that’s life. Few of the people I know are on meds/therapy and are doing well and still have issues from time to time, but that’s expected. The 2 ex gf’s of mine are ex because WAY TOO MUCH DRAMA and won’t even try to help themselves so…we don’t talk. I don’t and won’t feel sorry for anyone with a mental illness or feel like I should tip toe around cause it might upset someone.

          • You know you “saying” you have dealt with BP, addicts-sex, drugs, gambling, and booze and say all are the “same” I think that it’s safe to say that you really didn’t/dont have any kinda of care/emotional/physical/personal connection to any of those people to sit there and say (“bottom line is take your meds (everyday) and go to therapy monthly or more if needed, you all need it trust “us” when we say this”). Do you at all know how that sounds, and wait, what, I thought this was going to be easy, crap, no kidding; but I think WE ALL can agree that “no one said it was going to be easy, but, that’s life” we all know and we all see and we all hear that no life’s not easy for ANYONE “normal” or “un normal” or “whatever” but I will tell you that if people like you cared enough, have a heart, or something about them can/could make a difference but people like you are to selfish, a prude, ignorant, and ect. you proved that by saying “I don’t and won’t feel sorry for anyone with a mental illness or feel like I should tip toe around cause it might upset someone” I mean to me your saying that it’s “our” “faults” that we are the reason and we did this to ourselves is the only reason we have a mental illness and to throw this in there do you feel the same way if it were a child having a mental illness I mean if so I think I know why some of us are bipolar and I see why we can feel SO MANY DAMN EMOTIONS AND FRUSTRATIONS AND MORE ALL AT ONCE; you know I have several mental illnesses (one of them being bipolar) I tend to think really deep about things, in my experience when I’ve needed to just talk to someone to vent to confide in to just let somethings out that I have kept to myself for a long time and is on my mind all the time just to have them say right to your face and without a care “your just looking for a pitty party, your looking for someone to do it for you, grow up, get over yourself, give it up saying things like that does not help once so ever and even could possibly make things much worse for a person dealing with mental issues for example suicide saying things like that is well being a bully call me a child if you will but I’m saying this for children, adolescences, teens, and adults, you should seriously think and realize that just your presence to someone with mental issues means more than you know and well could even be life saving

    • Thank you for this, Ricky. You really have given honest expression to the bipolar mind and your writing is like exhilarating beat poetry.

      I hope you find your way to some peace and security. You are right about us being able to think outside the box, but it can be a rough journey. I hope you find your safe harbour.

  14. I have to say thank you for this post, it made me feel like I was not just crazy, that when I face conflict with my sister my mind immediately says to kill myself or that it is vital to run away. when my boss calls I immediately think I have done something wrong.when I am shopping and an associate is near me I feel that they suspect me of shop lifting etc. I am relieved to hear that this is typical behavior /thought process for someone with BiD

  15. Just reading this information reduces a lot of stress. I’ve only begun to scratch the surface of learning and self help for bipolar along with the meds I’ve been taking for 10 years. Its comforting to know the impending doom and obsessions about the doom are normal for a person with my disorder.

  16. Some of my thoughts:

    Car drives by slow: Must going to get robbed later on.
    Food order takes longer than expected: Must be spitting in the food.
    Get looks at the store: They must think I am going to shoplift.
    Cop gets behind me: He’s going to pull me over and plant drugs on me.
    Random pain: I have cancer and I am going to die.

    While they may seem humorous, it’s not. I struggle with some of these on a daily bases. It’s like I always assume the worst possible situation. I know probably won’t happen but, I can’t seem to stop the thoughts no matter how hard I try or want to.

    • I’m sorry Josh. I have had similar periods of thinking like that in the past too. Exercise helps me have a better baseline state of mind and mood. Also finding ways to either distract my mind or be more in the moment and not caught in thought take sustained effort, but are possible and some of the main ways people deal with this situation. Cognitive behavioral therapy in general can help with a therapist, but you can do things on your own as well. Take care, being caught in that type of thinking can be awful and many other people don’t understand it, dismiss it or try to minimize it.

    • yea the stupid little thoughts we have is nothing compared to when we start shutting down from all the stress i can handle alot but when i get so stressed you start having panic attacks and feel like your going die well for people with bipolar when they get so stressed it can last or months years with out relieve hopefully other know what i am talking about finally they got me on meds that helped it but took them years to diagnose me and just seems they make light of it still but what ever i am trying to keep going i stay in a room 99 percent of the time playing games watching tv i hate going out i hate going to the doctor this illness takes everything from you i know people say get out more go see a movie they have no idea what its like just not having something in the right place where you left and having to look for it can stress us out to the point want to cry scream punch the wall there is so much more i want say thats just some of it but im tired from this as well but if going threw this like i am i just keep on going all we can do no matter how bad things are and no one wants to help keep going to not give them bastards the satisfaction keep on keeping on :) anyways hope gets better for you guys if going threw tough time i keep going on in hopes ill kick this and finally have the strength to be a normal person again nothing used to bother me just all sudden come on one day anyways later and for those that dont have this dont be so quick to judge us you have no idea what we have to go threw

  17. Is this why bipolar people leave the people they love zo often? They are already thinking of what can go wrong or imagining that that person is going to leave them? My ex makes sure he stays in touch but tells me he is afraid he will hurt me again.

    • Hi tammy,

      I have BP11 : oftentimes I’ll replay negative events, over and over again, in my mind. Certain things that happen in the present can ‘ trigger ‘ the past into feeling like it just happened, bringing up all of the anger, resentment and hurt feelings; followed by the urge to detach from the person I love in order to banish the obsessive thoughts from my mind. Even if my loved one hasn’t hurt me, I’ll still feel anxious that it could happen. Again, I detach to guard my heart. If your ex still stays in touch with you, but holds back from anything more, my guess is he might be feeling anxious about the ways his mood changes; sometimes he’s wanting to be connected and at other times he doesn’t, as just one example. Having bipolar is a lot about moods, moods that we are problems managing.

      • Hi Paige
        Its complicated. We have known each other 40 years, dated as teenagers and he has pursed me for 30 years. Fonally took a chance and we were so happy. Then all these life events hit him and in a matter of days he went from ” you are everything to me, I’m so happy you are in my life-“_”-to I have been thinking and I never loved you- to a week later he had found someone else who he says is the love of his life, although she says she is his best friend. We do have a physical relationship, and I know everyone says to not do this but I need to stay connected to him. He has just told me he only takes half of his lithium . Because he is not manic or depressed he thinks he is fine. I believe he has been cycling since last march, definitly hypomanic and hypersexual. Don’t know how to get him back on track

        • Hi tammy,

          A relationship that has endured for 40 years is going to be complicated, especially when tender feelings are still alive. One thing, though, I’m wondering if trying to get him back on track is a loosing game ? I believe those of us who have bipolar are ultimately the only ones who can save ourselves, at least this was true for me. The lithium will only take him so far. Bipolar is not curable, but it is treatable. The treatment usually begins with medicine, followed by therapy in some cases; along with working a wellness program, which could mean regular exercise, routine and structure, a steady sleep/wake pattern, and many other ways to manage the bipolar moods. You mentioned having a physical relationship with him because you need to stay connected. I understand the need to be connected, sometimes we just take whatever we can get, and it’s better than no connection at all. This is your life – you have the freedom to make choices. The consequences are unknown until they happen. Please be kind and gentle with yourself. You deserve to be loved and cherished.

          • Hi Paige,

            Great advice!!! This can sound cold from someone not struggling, the advice you gave that is. Wish I could read more people with BP express your views of owning it and trying to work with it.

  18. It is IMMEDIATELY apparent that the writer of this blog IS NOT a psychiatric savant, because you can see by the FIRST FEW SENTENCES that the writer is CONFUSING ‘Bipolar Disorder’ or ‘Manic-Depressive Psychosis’ with ‘Dissociative Disorder,’ sometimes referred to as “Split or Multiple Personality Disorder.’ And not being an expert myself, I don’t know where the diagnosis ‘Schizophrenia’ fits in here either (just in case you are wondering!)
    y understanding (from actual personal experience, BTW) is that ‘BIPOLAR DISORDER’ is primarily a MOOD DISORDER; a disease of the EMOTIONS, that starts with wide swings in EMOTIONS between ELATION states and DEPRESSIVE states of (let me say it again) FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS that are related to imbalances in BRAIN CHEMISTRY, and that only GRADUALLY permanently erodes the LOGIC OF THINKING, because of the intimate and intense TWO-WAY INTERACTIVE connection in the human mind between LOGIC and EMOTION. It does this to the point where the sufferer can BECOME temporarily psychotic, at which point an EMOTIONAL disorder becomes a THOUGHT disorder, usually referred to as “Schizo- Affective Disorder” (to remind us that it is primarily STILL an EMOTIVE or AFFECTIVE disorder, even though emotions are, at that point, affecting logic) and to distinguish it from “Dissociative Disorder,” (which is a true “characterological disorder,” in which the development of the personality itself becomes arrested at the point of some early TRAUMA, and a NEW PERSONALITY is born or arises to ‘defend’ against the perception of the trauma, creating, in essence, TWO PERSONS IN THE SAME BODY, aka “SPLIT PERSONALITY.” Depending on the NUMBER of early traumas, MORE THAN ONE early trauma may have occurred, giving rise to MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES!KKK
    That’s all I know! Fits in TWO PARAGRAPHS!

    • Wow… Paul you seem very angry??!! You are not a professional as you stated and I’m assuming who initially wrote the article isn’t either. What are you….have you been diagnosed yet? You sound as angry as my ex was and probably still is. He was diagnosed as BP but never got as far as to what degree and yes he seemed like everything you stated above. Wish you all the best! :)

  19. I have not been diagnosed as bi polar. I have been treated for pmdd, and depression. I just watched my father die, and all I see is him dying over and over again. On loop. I have all the symptoms of the disease, along with a 20 year off and on use of narcotics for surgery pain/lupus. The docs don’t confirm, but I suspected I have a very depleted brain right now and nothing is working as it should. I am suffering from severe anxiety/depression/apathy. I long for the mania. At least I would get something done. I live in my bed. I am quite accomplished,in some areas but, right now I am nothing. I just don’t know what the help I need, is..
    I begged my dr for ativan. He declined. NOPE. he said.
    I was afraid to be labeled, but I explained, this is a serious condition I have!
    Still.. NOPE.
    My pshch doc is seeing me Sat. I am getting ritalin to combine with the wellbutrin and celexa. When I I start to be that person you see in all these videos?

  20. I was treated for depression most of my life. Diognosed last year with bp2. I experience rapid cycling and mixed states often. I take lithium, lamictal, and seriqual. I woorry so much about the effect on my kids and husband. Rage dispair rule me so much of the time. I was sexually abused by a family member and lost both parents in the last 5 years. In thier sixties. The meds give me hope but I’m looking for resources for my family. Articles… Websites. Should I ask him to come to my next psychopharmacology appt? I’ve been going to therapy twice a week for a year. I saw my previous therapist for thirteen years. We have been together 20 years; I know he won’t leave me. Any resources are welcome.

  21. What does crystal Meth do to a brain that is bipolar. If they are using or having been using for years? Ones that are medicated with prescriptions and doing meth? To getting off there medications and then going to meth?

  22. That’s a little weird. Someone is commenting under the name Eve, which is not me. I was so damn confused when I read it. I thought, how the hell did I write that and not remember? The words didn’t even sounds like me haha. So maybe whoever you are, could you add your last initial? Cheers.

    Ted. I’m not religious so I won’t begin to pretend I believe God had anything to do with why you didn’t die that day, but I’m sure glad you’re here to tell he story. Like you said about the little things, sunrises, your daughters embrace, you need to find hose things in each day. It’s a lonely world even without BP. And when you have so many traumatic event happen, such as you mentioned, it’s hard to recognise you have BP, as I had a few major things happen at once and I just thought I was reacting naturally to the shit situation I was in. Best of luck to you and I’m sure you have plenty more years of happiness ahead of you!

  23. Hello, Natasha.

    I appreciate the time you offer on this topic. I searched for “Thoughts a bipolar person has” and I came across your blog. I can relate to everything you stated in this blog/explanation. I have never had a “normal” relationship and as I get older (I am 40), my emotional state is more difficult to control. I am with a wonderful, nearly perfect man and my biggest fear is that I destroy the relationship. I overreact so much, I get angry over the stupid things, I always have to keep my emotions in check (it’s so difficult to be happy or in a good mood all the time), my OCD was worse prior to 2010 but its still very present (my boyfriend picks on me with how I react when something touching me – its just gross!), I’m big on germs – they are everywhere, dishes having to be very clean, and I have thoughts (very negative ones) that I should not be having.

    I don’t feel that I am at the point of needing psychiatric treatment (counseling I’m not opposed to) but I don’t need to be admitted. It’s difficult for me to concentrate, stay focused, complete tasks, give full attention to anything/anyone, my self esteem in respect to work is very low (I was laid off and let go this year). I obsess over things (depending on what’s going on), I’ve been interviewing and so I go over and over how the interview went, what I said, what they said, what reactions were, how I felt during and after the interview, should I call them to reiterate how interested in the job I am, should I send emails telling them things that are important but I failed to mention at the interview, etc. It drives me crazy – and I know this effects my boyfriend.

    The reason I’m writing is to ask…is it okay that I make an appointment with my G.P. about what I’m dealing with/how I feel? What do I say? Will she think I’m crazy for thinking I could have B.P.D.? I have been on and off antidepressants since I was 15, I attempted suicide that same year (this occurred after I spent a month in a facility). I just want my self assurance to improve, to be the happy person my boyfriend deserves, and not have to struggle so hard to deal with these emotions.

    I hope my thoughts weren’t too scattered and that I didn’t ramble on. Thank you in advance for your time.

    • @D.Michelle
      Hello Michelle
      I read your comment and noticed that it hadn’t received a reply as yet. You have every right to access proven and effective treatment and support for your health condition. You are not your illness, it is a health condition you are experiencing and which can be effectively managed through tailored treatment. This treatment may involve a combination of pharmaceuticals as well as psychotherapies. Together with a healthy lifestyle, treatment for mood disorders such as bipolar disorders (there are several sub-types) has come a long way. Arm yourself with as much information from reputable sources (organisations that specialise in research and treatment of mood disorders). Be wary of taking on the opinions of every other person with or without a mood disorder or mental health condition.

      I just wanted to assure you that with accurate information and professional support, your health condition can be managed and you can improve your quality of life.

      Some things to consider in terms of treatment:

      Education is absolutely crucial
      – seek out evidence-based, objective information sources that are peer-reviewed. Avoid taking on “personal accounts” as your primary way to understanding this illness.

      Psychotherapy with a clinical psychologist – (mental training)
      – this is where you can have regular, ongoing emotional and psychological support. Specifically, Cognitive Behavioural Therapy has proven to significantly improve the patient’s ability to work through troubling thoughts, feelings and behaviours that may have been negatively impacting relationships, employment and other factors. There are a number of other psychotherapies which are essentially strategies that improve coping mechanisms. Remember, everybody has stressors in life but what makes people with Bipolar Disorder different is the ways in which we respond to these stressors. Much of this can be altered with a little training and practice. This is not a cure, Bipolar Disorder does not go away – rather, it can be effectively managed so you can get your life back.

      – different people can offer different styles of support. It is inappropriate for a partner, friend or family member to be given the job of “fixing” or “treating” the illness of their loved one. That job is for a professional, or a team of professionals such as a psychiatrist, psychologist, social care worker, dietician, etc. The role of loved ones is to educate themselves on how best to care for their loved one. Once you make this distinction, it will take the pressure off your loved ones who may worry each time you have an episode that they’re supposed to fix you or prevent you from becoming unwell. This is NOT there job. Also, pick and choose whom you disclose to and how much you disclose about your illness. You are not under any obligation to tell others you have Bipolar Disorder or any other illness for that matter. You can work out who you trust and go from there.

      – activites that you love, exercise, yoga, mindfulness and anything you can do that you can become immersed in. For me it is a good book, I get lost in it and when I come back, my mind is calmer because it had some time off from the thinking, etc. Find something to engage in.

      – a healthy diet will feed the brain (and body) with all the nutrients it needs and will eliminate the strain that processed foods can put on your system. Food really does influence mood. There is increasing evidence that indicates inflammation and cellular degeneration as being a part of Bipolar Disorder and other mental health conditions. It is a neuro-biological disorder. In other words, it is not “all in your head”.

      Pharmaceuticals and psychiatric medicines
      – Insist on being referred to a psychiatrist (preferably one who focuses on Bipolar Disorder) from your GP. Never let your GP prescribe you psych meds, it is NOT their area of expertise. A psychiatrist is in the best position to have all the up to date data on which pharmaceutical options you can begin to apply. Be realistic, the brain is a complex machine we are only just starting to understand. There are many regions of the brain and they all talk to each other in various networks for various purposes. Medicines that interact with these networks are well-researched and we have the ability to use them safely and with wonderful outcomes. Don’t expect that one pill will do the trick. Manage your expectations and be open to the fact that this is a complex disorder that presents in different ways (the more you read about the different types of Bipolar and what other diseases can be found in concert with bipolar) and how each person is treated will be different to another when all their symptoms are taken into account. For example, symptoms may range from manic to depressive, to hypo-manic to mixed state, to rapid cycling. Some people will have insomnia, others hypersomnia. So, step into this with your eyes open to the complexity in which these things will need to be managed. Your psychiatrist is trained in this, so get that referral and ask as many questions as you can, it’s their job to tell you. Medicines take time to take FULL effect, nothing is a silver bullet and NEVER abruptly stop taking your meds, this is extremely dangerous and can be life threatening. Communicate with your psychiatrist, tell them about your symptoms, they can shed light and help you decide whether to ride it out till the symptoms subside or to manage a transition to another medication. Medications can work in concert with one another so be prepared to combine them to get a stabilising effect.

      Mood diary
      – tracking your moods through a day can be done on paper or in an app. It’s a great way to be able to inform your health carers of where you are and where you’ve been in terms of mood over time. It can be really hard thing to recall off the top of your head how you were feeling last week, last month, etc. But this information can be used to understand your symptom patterns and what treatment needs to be applied.

      Keep a safety plan
      – knowing what to do in an emergency, such as who to call or where to go, is essential in your self care plan. But, before it gets to that level of concern, learn to notice your triggers and what happens when you’re triggered. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can help you practice this “noticing”. This gives you the opportunity to “cut it off at the pass” so to speak. Meaning, you can get in and address some distorted thinking before it’s too late and your mood has got away from you. Then you can apply some of the coping techniques you learnt in CBT.

      Private Health Care
      – one day you may have to go to hospital and stay there until your mood is stabilised. If you can do this in a private facility it is very different to the emergency psych ward at a public hospital. A private facility is the best place to be for monitored recovery. If you can get private health care with unlimited private hospital cover, it is worth every dollar and may just save your life if you are having an acute suicidal episode.

      I hope this information has helped. The more you can learn the facts about mood disorders and understand that “you are NOT your illness” then the more power you have to manage this illness and improve your quality of life. The worst thing is wandering around in the dark and operating on false assumptions, misinformation and faulty thinking.

      Much love and light


  24. Hello Eve, Thank you for the kind words. I am indeed lucky to have the support of my wife. My kids, now that they are grown do the same for me. In fact it was my daughters’ concern for me that alerted my wife to intervene.

    That was fourteen years ago. I encountered the “perfect storm” back then. Not knowing that I had bipolar, life threw everything it cold at me all at once. Our much loved dog of 17 years passed. This dog taught me so much about love and life that I could never describe him as anything less than a member of our family. He grew with our children and came to become a loving reminder of the kids as they had just left us to start their own lives.
    I recently heard of a term someone coined. The “Blur”. That’s the blind rush a person goes thru during the child rearing years. There’s little time to think no less remember there’s so much going on.

    So. We lost our beloved pet. We lost our kids. My Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer and had just died a horrible death that I was witness to very personally. But wait, there’s more (LOL – my attempt at bipolar humor). My job. It was toxic. Sixty hours a week of pure stress. I was a machine technician and my responsibilities were to keep 50 million dollars worth of equipment running 24/7. I lived a state of perpetual burnout for twenty six years. I coveted this job as it was high paying and allowed me to raise my family without financial hardships. We still knew what scrimping and saving was all about though.

    Then one day while trying to process the loss of my loved ones. I came to work and met the third shift people coming out to go home. They looked stunned. There were armed guards, trained dogs, and frightening looking people in suits with bullet proof vests. We were herded into the cafeteria and told they were closing the plant. There was no consideration or compassion about how this was done. I was 46 months away from retirement and this hit me like a sick joke. I had fretted for two years over this day as I had learned how the company functioned and saw many telling signs that something was up. When I questioned this with the managers they denied the possibility.

    Well it finally happened. We were done. But the closing was on their terms. They would close when THEY wanted. I watched helplessly as the equipment that I had become part of over the years was ripped out and disappeared. This was done on weekends when no one was allowed to work. We came to realize that we would witness another loss when we were scheduled off for the weekends.

    This became a death of a thousand cuts for me. I was bleeding my emotional stability at a pace that I couldn’t replace it. Then the next step came. Surveillance cameras. We were watched constantly. I felt like a prisoner and a criminal. The next thing they did was sit us all down and berate us as lazy pieces of s$%@*. We needed to get our worthless asses out and work like real workers. Oh, and by the way I was scheduled 70 hours a week of this.

    Well, it finally became more than I could bear. As I drove to work on that Sunday trying to fit any of this together so that I could move on, I played my usual Sunday game of count the cars that were on the road early in the morning on a Sunday (the day of rest). There weren’t any to say the least. Well one of the vehicles was a family pulling a boat to spend the day relaxing and enjoying. I was instantly overcome with the deepest grief and hopelessness I have ever felt. I spent the day drowning in this hellish state. That night I went home to an empty house as my wife was out with friends for the weekend. I realized that my life was less than useless. I had been told and shown that by the authorities that ruled me seven days a week. I was trying to deal with the grief of losing my family and all this was thrown of top of it all.

    My wife was glad to be off with friends. I was glad she was gone. The hell that I was in was spilling over onto her. I hated the toll I was placing on her as I tried to cope. I expressed my fear and confusion as anger to her. It was killing her. I was the enemy of everything I knew. It was clear in m bipolar mind. I had to die. This world I lived in didn’t care about me or anything related to people. That was made CLEAR to me. I went dutifully to work Monday. I had sealed my death sentence the night before. I faced the hell one last time…and melted down. In true bipolar fashion I truly needed to die and truly wanted to find a reason to live. This tore me emotionally to pieces. I went home convinced that peace was to come ONLY thru death. My high powered rifle was waiting for me. An instrument of death that was about to become my angel of peace. My place of death picked out as the place that I would last see this realm in which we all live and love…..and suffer. I was already dead. My decision, as god is my witness was to die. It was done. I was emotionally gone already. Only the simple act remained and I was now headed to finish it.

    I got home. There was my wife. OH GOD! WHY! I had an appointment with death and now she stood in the way. I raged. I cried. I laughed at the folly of what I was. I fell apart in true mental breakdown fashion (I think) I entered a fog that to this day I can’t see into.

    The next thing I know I’m standing at the admission window of the mental hospital. Two EMS techs guarding me. The one told me: You can make this easy or hard on yourself you can sign you in or we can. It would be much better for you to sign yourself in”. I don’t know how long I stood there staring at that admission form. I faced the hardest thing I have ever done. To say to the world thru this paper: I am mentally ill. I am less than what a whole man is. I submit to you because of this. ….I signed the paper.

    I lived. I recovered. Never to be the person I was again. My actions thru Bipolar has robbed me of who I was and left me an empty shell. The richness of life is only a shadow now. That’s not to say I haven’t learned to love what I have left. There’s still so much left to live for. A beautiful sunrise, the love for a daughter, holding her sobbing after being betrayed by her husband. I now live in the hope of someday once again to feel whole and truly alive. This what Bipolar is to me. Ted

    • Hi Ted,

      Wow, what a whirlwind of horrible events, that’s horrible holy crap! Well my situation sounded and went like this….
      We started dating and within a few months noticed that he was smoking pot more than just “the weekend” as he previously told me and asking to borrow money for it. I said sure whatever right?? I don’t personally don’t like it but again whatever. So a few more months down the road, I found out he was carrying on with another girl – I left. We talked and worked things out. Fast forward a little bit…his neighbor committed suicide over the holidays a few years back, weeks after that he tells me he thinks about suicide all the time…total shock to me?! Didn’t notice a change in him other than he was high all the time and couldn’t tell. So convinced him to go to his GP, I went with him. Appointments later, a scip and an appointment with a therapist – he was diagnosed as BP and will have to work hard at it . He told me he was taking the meds ( who knows??), told me he was going to the appointments again…who really knows. I just know he went from severe depression to this person and I will say crazy…the things that would come out of his mouth…OMG!

      He was fired from his job, basically told the boss he doesn’t know how to run his company and emailed to his boss. He was canned the next day…surprise!? So now he is furious and has no money for his main concern “his weed” forget about rent or whatever right. Asks me to borrow more $ until he gets another job, this will help out with his bills – no he spent all of it on pot – sounds harmless right? This man has never been able to save a penny because he just spends it randomly with no thought at all, mind you he is a single parent of 2 boys, but still you know. So he has this great opportunity to re open his business with a partner and asked me to join it – I said no way (I can start to see the writing on the wall) I said good luck and then he turned around and asked for a loan to start up…haha! I gave a loan – -stupid I know but I did! Now during all this he is depressed, missing work days here and there, not eating and loosing a ton of weight, smoking weed, coffee and candy is all he is eating for months on end. Rages at everyone for the littlest things as usual. One evening he is “late” and still at work, now he has lied so much in the past I treat everything as a lie at this point. He asks for another loan and says he has no money AGAIN! – this man would bring in close to $4,000 a week and have no money – whatever! I said nope not this time your own your own. Well that was when he turned in a monster seriously, from that day forward.

      I was getting tired of missed family functions, skipping work, numerous car accidents because of raging, he attitude was just horrible, threats of emailing everyone I know and will make up lies about me, porn addiction – would not go to work and sit home watching porn all day (not lying), threathen send indecent photos to my father, blaming me for his condition, I make his life miserable, he hates me, he used to love me, trash talk about me to my son about what a deceitful bitch I am, refusing to pay me back the loaned money, would leave the front door open when he left the house – for the whole day, I would come home and think WTH? animal services picked my dogs up twice because he lost them?? shoving me down the stairs, slamming his computer on my hands and the final straw was in one of his rages fists clenched and about an inch from me told me he would bury me and no one would ever find me. I could add to the list forever, there’s so much! From that day forward, I found a place to live stayed out of the house as much as I could. Kept my son away from him, and locked my bedroom door every night. He owned a hand gun…yippee! So I moved it weekly until I moved.
      It has been 5 months and haven’t spoken to him since and don’t ever plan on it. The threatening emails I received after I moved about how he will destroy my life, because he now knows I’m to blame for everything! I’m the devil and so on!

      This man needs serious help and a lot of it, don’t think he will ever get it. If he does great, just stay away from me. This happened over a 2 year period, there is a ton of other things that I couldn’t possibly capture all of it. Such a crazy roller coaster and the stress that came along with it…wow! I did check his FB page the other day out of curiosity and he has kept MY photos for everyone to see – I don’t get it?. It”s all too bizarre and looking forward to 2016 in peace. I will say he destroyed me emotionally , I have no interest in romance, companionship and honesty loathe him for destroying this part of me. Time heals and I will heal

      Thanks for listening

  25. Ted and Ruth
    I feel for you buddy. I’m so sorry that you felt your only escape was death. I’ve been there. I know that feeling of desperation and having to go to the hospital with a cut up wrists and feeling embarrassed because someone you love saved you. Which in reality we should be thankful for. But know that each day the sun will rise and time moves on. I commend you for being honest with your emotions on here with us. Your wife sounds like a very loving and commendable woman and I hope that you never take advantage of that. By the sounds of it, you are very lucky to have her.

    It would be Refreshing for someone to say they are a total failure and that they’ve hurt ppl etc. but that is essentially what I did say. I may not have done things as extreme as your ex did, but I still have expressed my feelings of remorse and hope for a future without disappointing those close to me. But at the same time, BP cannot be the blame for everything. As I mentioned before… My partner cheated on me.. And I will stop there… But he is not BP. People still need to be accountable for their actions. Your ex may have been suffering BP, but that can never excuse the abuse you suffered at his hands. He made those decisions, and whether he was in a BP episode or not, that doesn’t make it right. You deserved better from him and you deserve to know that maybe, just maybe it was the fact he was an unkind human being. As I tried to point out in my last post, just because someone is BP, that doesn’t automaticaly make them a bad person. I have great relationships with people. I know you said he may have been the extreme end of the scale, and ppl on here should be able to read about it, but please don’t blame all his horrible traits or actions on his BP. Being BP doesnt make you stupid. I do agree that you should tell us all your experience because it’s, as hard as it is to read, enlightening to see the other side, but we’re not all like him. Xx
    If you want to talk my email is below.

  26. Hello Ruth, WOW! your post absolutely stunned me. Not in a bad way though. I am currently dealing with a situation that has brought what you said into some focus. I indeed am aware of the pain and suffering I cause my loved ones. I am Bipolar II. I’m perpetually causing situations that create emotional pain for those around me. How aware? Fifteen years ago I attempted suicide. I clearly realized that “I” was/am still the problem. I cause the suffering. I throw peoples lives into chaos.That then was the point that I realized a large part of Me was causing so much of the hardship for everyone around me. The sentence for me was DEATH. The only reason I’m here to type this was the love of those I hurt the most somehow stopped the suicide before I died.

    The biggest problem for me is there is no foundation to build any kind of emotional stability. I built for lack of a better word, a “model” of how the world worked. This was my guide that I used to live my daily life. This model included everything I encountered and it included how I related to others in every way. I added and deleted and refined my model to keep it working and relating to what I experienced around me. This I needed to do to keep it relevant to what I was living at the time. This model was my foundation. When I attempted suicide my model was shattered. There was no way I could carry on in life without this basis. Hence another reason to escape the pain I caused to my loved ones and myself. I should add that this was the second time my model was destroyed. The first time I ended up in the hospital with a shattered wrist and under observation. It wasn’t until I attempted suicide that I was diagnosed as Bipolar. This has helped considerably as I was forced to examine some of my behavior. Unfortunately any stressor in my life triggers the my inability to cope in a reasonable manner. Yes, I do take medication.

    My wife is a truly remarkable person. She deals with my sometimes extreme behavior and still loves me unconditionally. It breaks my heart that I fly off due to my inability to contain the thoughts that sometimes entrap me. I envy her ability to be “grounded ” to something I will probably never be able to comprehend. I live in a world that I can only explain as a “tornado”. My world spins so fast that it is nearly impossible to grasp and hold onto a really stable lifestyle. Ironically people that don’t know me as well as my wife does marvel at my depth of knowledge and my abilities to do some of the things I do. They will never understand the hell that drives this perception of me. My wife does though. And yes it kills me to see what I do to her.

    So, my heart goes out to you. I really do know what you are going thru and the damage someone like me causes. Please let me say “I’m sorry” not only on my behalf but also those others that are lost in the fog of bipolar life.

    • Hi Ted,

      Sounds like you have a great support network and have had time and good look at yourself. It sounds to me that you really have a good sense of you…..koodos!, your wife must be proud! Thanks for your response, you are able to see both sides and moving on with your life :) Someone else mentioned a few support groups, though I’m no longer with my ex I will still seek them out anyways.

  27. Ruth, I feel your pain in your response to me. I’m sorry you have been thru so much. I do believe that is it very hard on both sides of this bipolar coin. My whole extended family (grandparents, parents, aunts, uncles, siblings, cousins, nieces, and nephews) have been “blessed” with a variety of mental illnesses. We have suffered much and supported much more. I asked my husband and my parents to attend the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) Family to Family course offered in our area last year and the did so willingly. All three of them came away feeling much more knowledgeable about bipolar (and several other mental illnesses), more capable of supporting their loved one, and bolstered by the support/information for them as caretakers. They were able to network with other families in similar circumstances and all seemed to have something to offer the other. NAMI also has support groups for those with mental illness and for those who love someone with a mental illness. You might find it useful to contact NAMI in your area. DBSA (Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance) is also a wonderful resource. I know this is very hard to do on your own, so if you can, you might give yourself the gift of some time with a therapist/counselor who can support you.

  28. Thanks Sally and Bob. I appreciate your encouragement. To Ruth and Lester, I’m sorry for the hurt you have felt as a result of a loved one with BP. But please don’t tar us all with the same brush. You’re the type of people that fuel the social stigma that we are evil. I’ve never done those things you speak of to my partner. I’ve never been abusive, yelled at people in traffic. Yes I have failed myself in some ways and yes I have not been the perfect partner, and I don’t use BP as an excuse. I’ve held an executive job in my community for years, I volunteer to teach English to backpackers who work in our town, I’m on the board of the local sporting club and I am a mother , daughter and friend I can be proud of. I’m a good person. I too have been a victim in this relationship by ways of cheating and neglect. But again I worked hard to forgive, but have been unable to, which has been the mountain that grew in our relationship, that has seen me push him away. I’m now taking responsibility for my actions in how I deal with things. I’ve only recently been diagnosed, but that’s not to say I’ve not sought help in the past. During my depressive episodes I sought help from doctors and was told I had depression. I took medication for this. I also have an extremely stressful work environment and a number of traumatic life experiences which I would attribute to why I was feeling the way I did. But I know better now and I hope that I can (not recover) but at least manage the condition I now know I have. I hope you too can grow from your experiences and try and put some perspective on the situation and realise your partners actions dont solely lie on their BP.

    • HI Eve,

      It is wonderful that you are taking responsibility for your own health, it really is and yes people react differently to their illness that is why there is a vast amount of symptoms and you might show only a few or all. My ex showed the worst and presented all of them. I believe you have to see and read about both sides of any illness or anything to get a real clear picture of what one is really dealing with being the BP person or a partner searching for answers and might stumble upon this blog and will now read all of this and think…wow I’m not alone. Okay, and it’s not me and possibly not him/her it is the illness and go from there. I speak rough and straight to the point because this is no joke as you are fully aware, take my comments not as a stab but as someone on the other side that is/was completely shattered by all this, and too is on the mend just like yourself. One cannot heal itself as I said with only one view. We as partners need to know what could happen and I say could happen within a relationship with a BP Family member/friend /partner. Everything is sugar coated to how the disorder is branded on these blogs and it is frustrating to read, i would love to read one person actually say and own it and say…Yes I completely hurt my family/friends/partner to no end, I haven’t been able to secure a stable job over the years, I say things that are so over the top, this is a selfish illness and so on just one person it would be so refreshing. During therapy is it suggested to make amends with the ones directly affected? I never got to this part with my ex because treatment was refused. I assume it would be and I really hope so. Good luck!

  29. Hi Eva! Thank you so much for your post. Just know that you can be who you choose to be even with a diagnosis of bipolar. Here is my story of hope: I was diagnosed as bipolar 25 yrs ago, but I refused treatment. I am a firm believer that if bipolar is left untreated, it only gets worse. It wasn’t until 15 yrs ago that life got bad enough that I finally sought treatment. Oh, what a difference medication made, once I went thru the trial and error of what would work best for me. To be honest, that was hellacious to go thru. The side effects, the coming down from one and going up on another to find the right “cocktail” of meds and the subsequent havoc that was created within all my relationships was almost enough for me to give up…and I tried a few times. (hang in there if you ever find yourself there, cuz it’s worth the struggle to get stable). But it wasn’t until I took complete responsibility for my disorder that life really changed. I got myself into therapy with an amazing therapist (psychologist) who utilized cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) among other techniques. (finding the right therapist is also a process…in fact, I believe everything with bipolar is a process!) I also made it my mission to learn everything I could about bipolar and what I needed to do to manage myself more effectively. I spent 10 years with that wonderful therapist…sometimes 2x/week, 1x/week, every other week, 1x/month–whatever my life needed at the time. Then I took several years off and finally had to admit I was creating havoc in my relationships again. I have now found another wonderful psychologist who, among other techniques, utilizes dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT). It was originally developed for borderline personality disorder (by Marsha Linehan…a fascinating story of hope!), but has since been updated to support bipolar disorder and several other diagnosis’s. It can be done formally (read more about it) or as I am doing…as a part of the therapy with only my therapist. Its core is 4 modules: Mindfulness, Distress Tolerance, Interpersonal Effectiveness, and Emotional Regulation. All of the above, coupled with lots of loving and understanding support from my family and friends and NEVER going off my meds has helped me to be the best me I can be. Of course there have been many ups and downs along the way…just keep your eye on the prize. I wish you the very best as you start your journey and create the life you want. And last, but not least, ignore the bipolar haters who have been dominating this blog entry for a while. They are venting and don’t realize that there is help for them too…if only they’d seek it rather than staying stuck and resentful in their own mud puddle.

    • It’s not being resentful or puddles of mud they are stating facts as I am about BP and I’m sure you could add to the craziness that follows with this sickness, actually the mud was created by the BP person. What is said in these blogs are their truths whether it hits nerve within you or not. Peoples lives have been destroyed on both sides from this sickness, so fluffing off others comments I think is irresponsible for you. Eva and others including you need to realize or be reminded of what damage can be done if things are not kept in check and that’s just the way it is… period. You gave great advice and hope it will be followed by anyone that is struggling. Just so you know there are very few places for family members or spouses that are dealing with it from the other side – unfortunate. There are a number of sites on “how to help your partner/family” or “what not to say to someone who is…” But very few and good websites on how to really cope with everything, where it’s focused just on the support staff.

  30. I just stumbled on this post, and have spent the last 20 or so minutes reading through some of the comments. I’ve only recently realised well that’s not true, I’ve recently begun to accept my bipolar. I’m 30 years old and have a fiancé (if I haven’t lost him for good this time) of 12 years. I am just coming out of a mixed mania/depression episode in which I managed to quit my job, move to Hong Kong and back, break up with my fiancé and spend the last few days in my bedroom not eating or sleeping and obsessing about all that I’ve done. I guess if I were to give advice to those hanging on to a BP suffering loved one is that we do love and want more than anything to feel loved back. Things just become cloudy and confusing and emotions become numb and at times overwhelming. I unreasonably demanded love from my partner everyday and he was always so confused. I would go through stages of telling him to go away or to leave but really all I wanted was for him to hold me real right. But contradictory to my needs.. It wasn’t a simple embrace that I wanted/needed. I needed him to hold me and go inside and hold my heart and caress it. It was a feeling of complete despair.But at the end of he day that is an unrealistic request that can never be fulfilled. So if I were to be completely objective to my relationship , I would advise him to leave me for good, as I cannot see any way that I can be beneficial to his life. Sounds harsh, but he deserves better. And now that I am seeking treatment and am about to begin my road to recovery, I hope that some day I can be the person that can love as good as I’ve been loved.

    • He does deserve better and it is not harsh at all. There is NO recovery for bipolar you realize that yes?! This will only help you to calm your head and if you decide to do 100% work and go to all the therapy appointments as well that will be your outlet not your BF, friend, family or co-worker. You will learn YOUR triggers so YOU can LEARN how to cope and handle yourself in not a destructive way. I was the one on the other side for way TOO long and will not deal with anyone if they are not doing both treatments, this I have promised myself from this day on. This is your disease unfortunately and it not the responsibility of anyone else but you alone to manage. Alcoholism/addictions are solely the individuals responsibility as many other diseases. Family, friends etc are there for support only, not as your doctor or therapist. I am sorry for the dose of touch love but it is needed and should be heard by every struggling BP and also the BF/GF on the other side. Not enough attention is spent on the complete struggles that EVERYONE else is feeling. I personally was in a horrible relationship, that both had manic and deep depression and I was by his side full in 100% for the long haul. But after the cheating, lying, stealing money, drugs outbursts, suicidal thoughts and the final straw for me…I was told he was going to bury me where no one would ever find me. All of these horrible events turned into it was my fault and NEVER responsibility for anything, it’s his illness – such a lame excuse. Not until the day I was leaving did he start to express any emotion – crying and expressing love! Long story short, own your illness and get help for yourself!

    • You are being very honest Eve and I really commend you for it. This kind of honesty with yourself is the first (and huge) step on your road to recovery.

      I think the problems in bipolar relationships go beyond you not being able to be “beneficial to his life.” If he loves you, then you just being in his life is a great “benefit” to him. The problems, I believe, occur when the bipolar person, for whatever reasons, goes from being a “benefit” to being an outright cause of severe harm and pain to their partner.

      In other words, if you think of it as a scale where Negative is on the left, Neutral is in the middle, and Positive (or what you are calling being “beneficial to his life”) is on the right, if the bipolar partner could just manage to stay on Neutral, that would be more than enough “benefit” for a loving partner.

      If you can focus on trying to stay out of the dangerous “Negative” zone as much as possible, not causing that kind of severe pain and damage (through your words, actions, attitudes, etc.) then you will have succeeded more than you think you have. Neutral would be more than enough for a loving partner.

      Good luck to you Eve as you travel your own road to recovery. You are off to a good start. :)

      • Recovery how? There is no recovery or cure for this illness ever and from the sounds of it you both are in denial. This is and will be a life time struggle with many ups and downs even while in “treatment”. Koodos that she is seeking treatment and hopefully it is both meds and therapy. The faster one realizes that or everyone realizes that these manic and depressive episodes will happen even on meds & therapy, not as often/severe but they will happen. Therapy will help HER learn her triggers, and then act on them within the doctors office. Eve you are just accepting your BP now, why did it take so long – honest question? Most BP is developed through puberty years, that is a long time do you agree? All I can offer for advice is work solely on yourself , make sure you go the all therapy appointments and when you think you are better/cured and want to stop the meds don’t! Love yourself fully and foremost love will be returned…simple as that.

  31. This might sound harsh but bipolar is messed up, I know how they think I had the unfortunate pleasure for many years ! My ex was and is bipolar and has been for longer than we were together and refused medication/any type of help hense why he is my ex. The blame game, the lying, deceit, cheating, addictions to drugs/sex, suicide thoughts, death threats to me, stealing from me and so on!! He is a single father and some how raised 2 boys and can see the screwed up childhood they both had and are equally twisted because of it. So glad I am gone and can’t figure out how anyone can live like that or how family will allow the family to be raised in that situation – At least with guidance. What a piece of work! He knew what was wrong with him, hid it from me for as long as he could until I figured out something wasn’t right. He is an evil person and deserves nothing! Had he tried and we could have done this together no doubt.

    • Lester, I’m not understanding why you used the word ‘ evil ‘ to describe your BP person. People who have bipolar do not have evilness in their diagnosis. Symptoms never include evil in any way, shape or form.

      • I posted another comment after this one and also mentioned that the last straw for me was when he told me he was going to bury me where no one would ever find me. This man was evil yes he was for sure was! The hurt he wanted to inflict on people that would cross him whether it be he was cut off in traffic, I spoke up and against him – therefore being shoved down the stairs. The fixation with hurting others verbally and if he was in enough of a rage physically as well. The longer he went without med and therapy the worse he got, he is 47 years old and has never been professionally medicated and has no interest. His medication was smoking weed daily, which didn’t help, thankfully just put him to sleep and we ALL could breathe a little. I honestly believe he has no soul and only worry about his 2 boys soon to be men that he has raised, one asked me at one point after he pushed me down the stairs….” Is this not a normal thing in a relationship” No soul

        • Lester, I get it : He’s doing horrible things to hurt you and others. You believe he has no soul and you believe he is evil, these are your words; they sound perfectly legitimate, a normal and reasonable way to be thinking and feeling given what has been going on with the two of you. I now see you are simply letting us know what you’re going through and not saying all people who have bipolar are like him. It must be a relief to write about your frustration and pain. People in your life would be wondering why you continue to allow him to hurt you. I’m certain you have reasons because practically everyone has reasons as to why they stay in an abusive relationship. Oftentimes their reasons are extremely heartbreaking. It can be terrible difficult to leave. People who are being abused usually have a breaking point, hopefully they reach one where they can leave, no matter how scary it is to go from the known into the unknown and how hard it is to leave someone behind. Hopefully they leave before it’s too late- I’m not wanting to spell out what ” too late ” means, but I’m sure you already know what I’m talking about. Please think about taking care of yourself first. Be kind and gentle with yourself. Protect your precious life, because you deserve to be living a better life, a life where peace and contentment can be yours. Please remember you didn’t cause his illness, you can’t control it and you won’t ever be able to cure it. This is just the plain truth and it applies to everyone. We’re responsible for our own selves and not others. Peace- You deserve it.

      • I was able to get him to the doctor for an assessment and he was told he was bipolar and needed meds and therapy. therapist chosen and scrip filled, he never did any of it.

  32. Curious, thank you for reading and understanding. Very similar situations. I will be waiting though not going to tell her. It worries me that if she knows I’m waiting she may start to see me as enemy or something. As far as sitting down and talking to someone, I have no idea who to talk to about this or how to do it without her feeling like I’m violating and interested in her or her life. See.. She cannot accept that someone is actually bothered or interested, cares or loves her. She says it’s because she doesn’t think anything of herself. That’s the reason I came on here. It makes me feel a little better knowing that other people are having the same sort of experience. Not alone. She’s the one. No matter what she throws at me am going nowhere. It’s impossible to walk away from someone you truly love because they are ill. I know this kind of ill doesn’t fix. What a cruel illness.

  33. So I met the most wonderful amazing woman about 3years ago. In our 30s we both had challenging circumstances in order we could be together. We fell in love. I mean like bliss. That thing where your tummy was nervous and your heart bounds out of your chest.. It just didn’t seem to end. We had a chemistry like electric and it sent us both mad. I mean, we’ve all been in love and all had relationships but this was something else. The challenging circumstances we both had came in the form of we both had partners. Feeling as we did we both left our partners which was the right thing to do. It obviously caused a little torment for a while on both sides. We got together, it was us. Exactly what we’d longed for for a long time. It felt great. We were an official couple for a number of months. I was madly in love with her and she was with me. Suddenly it stopped. She said we weren’t working and it didn’t feel the same. I’m not someone who poses much challenge so agreed with the breakup and that was it. I was devastated. Had many many unanswered questions naturally but couldn’t get reason or answer. A few weeks later find out she’s seeing an ex from years ago. Given reason.. “If I don’t try I’ll never know”. Anyway, huge blow. The visions and thoughts in my head about someone else holding and touching my love made me feel sick. It tormented every bit of life out of me and made me quite ill in my mind. Barely ate or slept the whole time. I still loved her from my soul. About 3 months on I’d pressed send on one of the few heartfelt texts I’d written. (Hadn’t sent many during that time as knew I’d been getting no reply and felt like she didn’t want to know). I was surprised to get a polite response. We ended up meeting. Again and again. Started talking. She explained things weren’t right with her new partner and all she could think of was me. Again. It’s all I wanted. I was still in love with her, like crazy. She got rid of the new partner and got back with me. It’s all I’d wished for. Every second of every day. Right, getting my brain around the fact she’d been somewhere else was a challenge. Admittedly even loving her I felt guarded and cautious. No one likes to feel that pain so it’s automatic to defend. When we got back together things were ok. We started to talk about real things like creating a family, favourite names for our kids, saving a baby fund, all sorts. It felt good feeling like we had a future. I started to notice since getting back together she had changed in lots of ways. Most things I did stood to be corrected and was told I didn’t need to be affectionate all the time it was too much. So I stopped giving kisses and cuddles in the kitchen. Know it sounds mad but I took on board what was said. She had became obsessive about eating only certain things and exercising every day. Gym every day. Kept busy with everything except us. Couple of nights on the sofa watching the telly and cuddling but I was a bit cautious to get affectionate or frisky in case it was ‘too much’. We been back together again for around 5 months. In that time we’ve slept together only twice. Previously it was almost every time we were together. This time round it’s been due to medical concerns on her part. Fair enough I can accept that and it’s not her fault. We just broke up again yesterday. I am gutted. It’s like deja vu. That same crippling feeling. Square 1 again. I’ve not let go and still truly love her. She suffers from bi polar. Of late she’s been explaining things about how she feels. She has told me she feels bad about the way she’s been treating me. That she loves me but cannot feel love. Wants me to save myself from her. She is aware and cannot give or offer anything in a relationship. Feels like the whole world is black and clouded, scared of her mind and what it thinks and feels, it changes on an hourly basis. Wants to be alone. Deal with everything herself, doesn’t need help. Knows she pushes away everyone who cares or loves. Telling me I will move on and someone will love me like I deserve to be loved, cries regularly, says she’s being kind before end up resenting her and that I’ve done nothing wrong, says she can’t be trusted with my heart, and that its her who has the problem. Hates herself, no self confidence, can’t accept it if I call her beautiful or pay a compliment, as she doesn’t think it herself. The list goes on. … Ok, the break up is fresh and raw. Hurts like hell in any event losing the one you thought you’d be sharing your life with. I accept and love her for who she is. With or without the illness. Have researched and learned as much as possible. Understand mania, depression and the middle parts. It’s killing me thinking she’s suffering in such a way and I am pretty helpless. Know I can’t fix her. Tried to mediate a little and let her know I’m always here and not interested in finding anyone else but feel she can’t and won’t accept any support. Wants me out the way as far as possible and doesn’t want me to see her like this. .. If anyone has managed to read to the end of this one without falling asleep.. The whole time we’ve known each other there has been clear signs and traits of bi polar. The excitement, the highs, mania, mind changing, the lows, the current low which has resulted in a break up. I am obviously worried. Can any one offer any advice to me about what to do or not do? Bi polar or not she’s my world. Thank you

    • Déjà vu Just a little. Sounds like mine beautiful woman. We were engaged and planning a child. She just left without warning. She knows I am waiting but tells me not but then does. She has her reasons but won’t let me help or be there for her. I have now since backed off and just have to have faith in our love and know we have something more then what she’s scared of and what she’s dealing with. It’s been hard for me but again you have to keep going with you. If she doesn’t want you to be there while she’s going through her thing then you can’t. Just be there when she comes back. But I would sit down with someone to talk everything through. She needs to talk about what’s going on with her and be able to talk to you. i know its not Much help. I’m still trying to keep me going while she pushed everything we had away. So I’m waiting for her to come back and talk to me about what she’s dealing with. Know your not alone and you can find support groups for you and her.

  34. Ok so I been having anxiety attacks with all that’s been going on with me. My doctor put me on the same medication her psychiatrist changed one of her meds over too. When she ended it with me she can’t explain what she was feeling and didn’t know why and now I feel it too. I love her but I don’t feel anything. I know I’m in love but I don’t know. It’s weird and what I’m feeling I’m not true but my anxiety is gone. So how do I tell her AGAIN that it’s her meds and I know because I’m on it. But I’m going to stop I can’t not feel her love. Pain and learning to deal with that and my anxiety I rather do now then be a zombie. Any suggestions on how to say something to her.

    • Hi again Curious, I’ll try to be a little more helpful in addressing the difficulties in your relationship.

      If she feels numb and apathetic towards the relationship, you are correct that it might be the meds, her illness, or her body adjusting to the meds. You are not going to know how she really feels about you until she’s stable again. You seem convinced that if it were not for an exacerbation of her illness and the med change, you would still be together. That may be true and she might just need time to come to that realization. So here’s my suggestion based on the history of my own marriage:

      When I was quite ill a couple of times, I wanted my husband to leave. We basically separated in our own house once, with an upstairs/downstairs arrangement for about six months at one point. He wisely stayed out of my way, and here’s the best things he kept saying to me:

      He knew I was not myself, and said he would never leave me when I was ill. If I still wanted him to leave after I was feeling better, then he would go and he would not keep bothering me. He would wait for me to get better first. He knew he had done a lot of things wrong and would become a better man (i.e. less self-oriented, less angry, and more aware of my need for harmony.) I felt completely apathetic about our marriage and him during that time frame, but my feelings for him did come back in time. He was very patient and kind towards me for the duration – if he hadn’t been, I don’t think we would have lasted. My perception of our marriage and how devoted my husband felt towards me was very warped during that time, and any old slights were magnified. When I felt better I was really glad he was still there for me and we were able to work out a lot of things, by talking and some counseling.

      Of course in my case there was a huge amount at stake – we’d been married for about thirteen years and had two little boys to raise. I’m grateful we are still together – I was naturally upbeat and happy; he was an agitated and angry young man who worked as a LEO. Much of his negativity and cynicism stemmed from his job and a lousy upbringing. His attitude has improved a great deal over the years.

      I think you should tell her something along the lines of what my husband told me – that you understand she doesn’t “feel” much right now, but you’ll wait for her to feel again, and wait to see if her feelings for you return. She may still want you, or she may not, but she can’t tell what she feels or wants right now. Tell her you still want her and you will wait for her. Then you just have to be patient for a while, supportive if she wants you to be, or leave her alone if that’s what she seems to need right now. It may work out Curious, or it may not, but I think that’s the best you can offer her right now. The best of luck to you, and try to enjoy the holiday as best as you can. Wishing you peace.

      • Patricia

        Thank you. It gives me hope. She’s told me to move out for awhile. But has decided to move in with her best friend and his roommates. But hasn’t told me to get my things. Then she doesn’t want to see me or barely talk to me. Today is just hard because it’s our anniversary and I don’t know if I should talk to her or not. I feel her new meds has suppressed more feelings then ever because I hate how I feel on it for just anxiety. I’m stopping it because it’s not me. I rather feel then not. And this med just makes you not feel. She knows I’m wait for her and she tells me not too. I have done what she’s asks I went to therapy to talk about my emotions because I am overly emotional ( crying when I’m upset which she can’t handle) I picked up another job back in school and back in my sport. She was shocked and then she really had nothing to complain about. Now it’s I don’t know why I’m doing this. I just need to. I can’t explain how I feel. Maybe I’ll miss you more if I don’t see you. Maybe I’ll want to be there. I mentioned therapy and she freaked out. I don’t know I’m just rambling. Thank you so much any thoughts again I will listen and be open too. Have a great thanksgiving

        • Hi Curious,

          This is going to be a difficult time for you – the emotions are string and who knows how long it will last. So I’ll offer some advice from what worked for me when I went through the same situation this same time last year:
          2 1/2 year relationship
          Engaged for 6 months
          She changed over the space of 2 weeks and ended things
          This was start of November – just before her birthday and Christmas
          She told me just 4 days before breaking up that she felt her meds had not been working the same for the last 6 months.

          Learn to calm your own thoughts to reduce the anxiety.
          a) I too ended up in medication last year but found that a yoga class that did drop imaginations and changes heroes to expand my chest and release the tension. This worked far more effectively than the needs and was immediate – so my doctor agreed to bring me off the needs.
          b) accept that what is making you anxious is the thought of a future without her. Try to enjoy the NOW and don’t focus on the future – it will take care of itself in due time. Try to think about it like this: if this were your last second of live, how would you want to be?
          c) when you start to think about her – recognise this and think about something happy or that is going well in your life – or something from the past (not involving her) that to this day still makes you happy or, better still, makes you feel proud of yourself (or possibly a friend or family member).
          d) this is a particularly bad time of year for a breakup. Keri yourself busy and surrounded by friends. Pour yourself and your energy into the good people in your life. They will return that energy and help you through this.

          Unfortunately, just over a year on, I’m no further forward with a reconciliation so I can’t offer any advice there. Don’t hang out for her – just be true to yourself and di what is necessary for your own self esteem and quality of life ski that you can be ready for (and attract) someone else who’s also ready for a healthy 2-way relationship (whether with her or someone new).

          This worked for me so hopefully it will be of some use to you too. Be good to yourself and good luck.


          • David

            The crazy thing is she knows she’s unstable but the med she switched too that I’m on doesn’t make you gain weight. The one she’s on made her gain 65 lbs within 2 years. So I feel she’s staying on for that because I told her to try and go back to her old meds and she said but that was the highest dose (which worked). But I guess she has to figure it out And without me saying your different she is suppose to fill this way. Which isn’t the norm. I’m just trying to be happy but thinking about her more today since today is our anniversary and it happens to fall on thanksgiving. Thank you so much and I’m sorry you went are still going through it as well. It feels that it’s something you will never recover from. I know I’m never going to be the same

            • hi Curious,

              holy mother of epic phone-autocorrect fails, Batman – in my previous message “yoga class that did drop imaginations and changes heroes to expand my chest …” should have read “yoga class that did DEEP INHALATIONS and CHANTS to expand my chest …”

              I feel the need to stress that while your pain is valid and your concerns around the loss of the future that lay ahead of you is also valid – you need to accept that IT IS WHAT IT IS and YOU CANNOT CONTROL THIS. My STRONG advice to you would be to let it go – just let her know that you’re there for her and carry on with your own life. From my own personal experience, if you try to use your own logic then (regardless of whether or not you are right), she will simply feel that you are a) telling her what to do and b) saying that there is something wrong with her. She will most likely not respond well to either of those. That’s just my experience.

              Worrying and stressing WILL NOT HELP YOU. Adding more pressure WILL NOT HELP YOU.

              Focus on your own life and let her decide whether or not she wants to come back to being a part of that.

  35. Hello everyone
    I’ve been married tomorrow 5 years and my husband who is BP Wants a divorce this is our second marriage. He has always wanted to break up with me and then comes around and wants to make it work. I am always to blame for what’s not working in our marriage….I am emotionally abusive he says. He has two children with his ex wife and another child with the woman he had an affair with in his first marriage. So often he will always contact her…3 years ago too, that her husband at the time threatened to contact me and then he told me about it. Now that I have studied the illness , I see how every time of the year it happens…an episode where he just cuts me out, becomes cold and aloof … And would just say hurtful things and never apologise. It’s been such a roller coaster and he blames me and often highlights my weakness’s that I’m starting to believe him, that yes it could be me. We move to another country with his work….so it’s been a huge adjustment for my daughter ( not his) whom is under 18 and I …. His contract is for 3 years my daughter started a new school here and now with him wanting to divorce has to leave the school and we must go back and start all over. He is so heartless right now… I feel so helpless

  36. Hello everyone…I am glad I found this website. I am still in shock for what recently happened to me. I met this woman about 2 years ago who is from Argentina, we fell in love and had a great relationship. She never really mentioned to me that she was bipolar, but one day I asked her due to a particular behavior I noticed, then she said ” what I am bipolar”. Fast forward, about 3 months ago, she traveled to her native Country, stayed there for one month, never mentioned anything to me. She stopped all communications with me. Despite numerous calls, emails and texts, she never responded. Until 3 weeks later when she said she had” no feelings for me anymore, good luck and god bless you”. When i tried to call her to find out if I did something wrong, then a police detective called me the next day to tell me that I have a police report complaint for harassment for unwanted calls and emails…wow, I was shocked. She gave me a temporary restraining order for unwanted calls /emails and texts”…I could not believe it. This is a woman that I have been so nice to since the beginning of our relationship and now cannot even have the courtesy to give me a call to tell me what happened.
    I did some investigations, then I found out that she rekindled an intermittent long distance relationship that she had with some guy/long time lover in Argentina and decided to take me to the police and give me a restraining order as this is the only way for her to make sure the guy would not find out about me….wow. I also found out that this long time lover she had in Argentina happened to be the biological father for her daughter she had from a previous marriage with someone else., whom ex-husband still believes that the little girl is his daughter. Although I was shocked and heart broken for months and still now, but at the end , I think it is a blessing in the skies. Who knows what a deeper mess I could have gotten myself into…I thought she was the love of my life, she was such a match for me, I loved her so much…I spent so many days crying, unable to eat and drink. Lost so much weight, but God is good, I shall recover. It is a long road, but eventually I will. Bipolar women can be highly dangerous…

    • Hi Ronald –

      It can be very difficult to let go of what we “thought” someone was like, or what we hoped they were like, and replace those thoughts of what we hoped they were like (or assumed they would be like) with the reality of what they actually turn out to be like.

      I know the heartache and disappointment you speak of, and I also know that as painful as my experience was with my bipolar ex-fiancee, the reality is that if we had stayed together, I would have found myself in a much “deeper mess” (as you well put it) than I was already in. It is really, really important to keep your focus primarily on that truth, rather than wistfully longing and wishing that she would have been different than she actually is.

      You are very right to say that God is good – all the time – and that yes, you will recover. Thank Him for all the good things in your life and in this world (even for the good times you had with her and the opportunity you had to be a blessing in her life, and she in yours, for awhile), and also thank Him for opening your eyes to the reality of the situation before you found yourself in a “deeper mess.” You can pray for her well-being even while letting her go and moving forward with your own life – remembering that she too is a victim of her bipolar disorder, even more than you are.

      Take it one day at a time, and yes it will get easier in time. It will be harder at first, and then it will gradually get easier to move on with your life. Try not to rush things and let God do things in His timing – which is always perfect. He knows what we need – and when we need it – much better than we do! :)

      • Thank you Bob. Your comments could not have came in a better time. I have spent months beating myself in search for a suitable answer. I loved this woman so much, at times more than myself. I worshiped her and wanted so much to create a family together. Then I went from loving her to hating her, then finally to feeling pity for her because I realized after all that she needs help. I cannot talk to her anymore since she has served me with a non-merited order of protection where I am not allowed to contact her, but I do pray for her and hopefully one day she can seek treatments and move on with her own life in a consistent manner. Thank you for your comments, I will take what you said into heart.

        • So after reading most of the post and comments HAS ANYONE re connected with there partner after the break up. If so how long was the break? Did they ever say why it happened? Has you love gotten stronger? Or is it all doom? Just curious.

          • Hi Curious, No, it’s not all gloom and doom at all. I think a person can get a skewed take from some of these relationship oriented threads. Most of the ppl. posting are having relationship issues – here’s the rub: all relationships have issues. Folks have a difficult time sorting out a partner’s innate personality traits from an illness – that’s understandable.

            On a positive note I’m BP and am in a 40 year marriage; one of our sons is also BP and he’s in a good 10 year relationship with a terrific young woman. I have a couple of BP friends – 40 year and 28 year marriages respectively with no break-ups either. Also, I attend a DBSA group regularly – at least half the group are in long term marriages or relationships. None of these relationships are all smooth sailing, and none of my non-BP friends and relatives marriages have been either. I think a person’s basic personality traits are a stronger marker than an illness as to whether a relationship will stand the test of time. Good luck to you and I wish you peace and happiness.

            • Thank you for the positive response. I felt no hope because I’m dealing with a issue I feel she isn’t aware is happening to her. I am trying reading up on bipolar websites and her disorder. While I’m keeping on with my life and waiting for her to come around ( which I don’t think she knows she’s going through anything tho I told her I think she is) I’m supporting all her sessions that she wants to do but how long should I wait? Will she come around. She asked me to marry her. I am glad there is greaT relationships that work. It’s just she doesn’t think nothing is wrong. She says she doesn’t know why she’s doing this she just doesn’t feel it. It took her one day and that was it. Her meds changed then this went down. Thank you for responding. Anymore advice that will be great.

          • Hi Curious –

            Patricia Louise is right to point out there are other threads here such as “When You Leave Someone with a Mental Illness.” There is a whole lot of information (including research, statistics, etc.) in that thread I think you will find useful in your particular situation. You obviously have a very big decision to make. Since this thread is about “How a Person with Bipolar Thinks” I’ll just recommend you also spend some time reading through some of the relationship-oriented threads as well.

            • Bob-

              How is this my choice? She already ended it and said What she has said. I told her I’m waitingand trying to help her through this but she doesn’t want my help. I

            • hi Curious,

              I think the ‘choice’ that Bob is referring to is simply this: how you spend the rest of your life.

              You can chose to try to win her back or you can accept her decision and move on with your own life.

              One of the things that we have to learn in life is what we can and cannot / should not control. A woman’s love is one of those things that you cannot control. Nor should you need to.

              I’m going to be blunt here – but only to clarify things for you – hopefully for your own good.
              If you’ve done all of the right things and she decides not to appreciate you for who you are then you have to decide whether to chase someone who clearly does not want you or accept that ‘it is what it is’ and move on so that you can find a partner who is able to give you what you need / want from a relationship.

              As Bob says – read the blogs and comments here. Bear in mind that ‘yes” there is an element of truth to the fact that most of the comments here are from people experiencing the negative aspects of bipolar so you won’t get the tales of success BUT … there are soooooooooooo many tales of pain and suffering from people in bipolar relationships – not just here but all over the internerd. And remember, Natasha is remarkably honest and fair about something that she suffers.

              Also – don’t be too hard on yourself: what you’re going through is normal. You’ve lost a loved one. Naturally you’d love to hear that she may / will come back. But if you read the blogs, you’ll find that very few are able to say that happened. And there’s no formula for that either – every person is individual. And most of those that do get a 2nd chance seem to end up going through the same anguish a 2nd time. It’s crap but it is what it is.

              The ironic thing is that we get so worked up about the situation that we touch on the edges of what a bipolar person possibly faces every day: the inability to stop obsessing or overanalysing the ‘what if’ scenarios.

              I’m a year on from my breakup with my ex-fiancee and I still think about her every day. It takes time. But it does get better. Read and focus less on ‘how to win her back’ and more on ‘how to survive this and be happy again.’

              Good luck.


        • Hi Ronald –

          It may not feel like it now, but I think the “order of protection” she got which prevents you from contacting her is actually a very good thing. It is a real blessing in disguise because it will make it much easier for you to do what can be so difficult to do – to cut off contact, which will help you a lot in the healing process and make it happen faster than if you were to stay in contact and drag things out even longer, with all the unhelpful and unnecessary pain that would bring with it.

          Even without the order of protection, I would advise you to cut off contact and also to remove all the reminders of her – things such as photos, letters, etc. because seeing those will only make it harder for you to heal and move on with your life. You have great things ahead of you Ronald. As difficult as this experience is, I know God will use it in your life in many ways to make you an even better person and to enable you to appreciate and enjoy even more whoever God brings into your life next.

    • Hi Ronald,

      It’s difficult when this happens. There are too many factors to consider so the reality is that you will probably never have the benefit of truly understanding why she has made her decision. You just have to accept that she HAS made her decision. Try not to think about it from the perspective of whether or not her behaviour is “right or wrong” – just accept that you only have limited control over what happens in your life. However you do have full control over how you deal with what happens in your life. In that light, we should count ourselves lucky as I don’t think that our beloved ones have that same degree of control.

      All relationships need BOTH parties to be willing to work on the relationship in order for it to be successful. No-matter how hard you’re willing to work at it, if she isn’t willing to meet you half way then your efforts will be futile.
      In your case, it’s clear as to how she feels. Just let her move on and be grateful for the opportunity to find someone who is ready and capable of a relationship. And be happier single instead of miserable with your relationship. (I know: easier said than done but the truth is, this IS what you have to tell yourself EVERY DAY).

      And don’t negate your own feelings. It IS heart breaking. You most likely WILL go through depression while you come to terms with your future having vanished right in front of your eyes for reasons that you neither understand nor agree with. But don’t try to deny these feelings – let the grieving process run its course – just don’t focus on the past.

      Good luck and stay healthy.


      • Thank you David and everyone else for their advice. I have never been in a situation like this in my life and that has taken me aback. I have discovered so many negative things about this woman, that as many of you has pointed out that it is a blessing in the skies. I am so grateful to God that I did not have a child with this woman because by now, my nightmare would have only started. Although she gave me an order of protection for clearly falsified reasons, but again it is an indication that God is looking out for me. This is someone who would send me 25-50 text messages daily telling me how much she loves and misses me and now has called the Police on me for harassment due to unwanted calls and emails…! I am basically doing everything I can to move one, but at times I feel so awful and empty inside thinking how we were so close and how quickly and horribly she got rid of me with possibly no remorse feelings. Bipolar is such a bad disease, anyone who gets involve into a relationship with someone who is bipolar, is destined to get hurt sooner or later, it is simply a matter of time.
        One thing that i also noted is that people with Bipolar are so quick to call the police to get you into trouble. As far as I know, if for example we had moved in together, she could have woke up one day and called the police and claim that I molested her daughter, and that would have been so hard to disprove, which could have probably landed me in Jail for years before it could be proven that it was a false statement. Even if my heart was so terribly broken for what happened and I spend months crying and being in pain, at the end I am so happy that it ended that way…It is a blessing in the skies. Thank you all for your comments and words of encouragements.

        • Hi Ronald –

          You are right to think about (sometimes at least, but not too much!) the ways your situation with her could have/would have gotten even worse than it was. The reason I say this is I think we sometimes have a tendency to think about how wonderful, how nice, how beautiful the relationship would have been if the person just didn’t behave in the hurtful and destructive ways they did. In other words, if they were someone else other than who they actually are. We need to balance those fanciful thoughts of what could have been a very positive future with them, with what most certainly would have actually been a very negative, difficult, and painful future with them. A future we would now be living if the relationship had not come to an end.

          Thinking about the good things that “could have” been is normal, but not realistic given what we now know about what the person was really like. You are absolutely correct to say she could have caused a lot more pain and grief in your life, if not through false accusations to the police, then in other ways. Even if you simply were to continue experiencing the kind of pain you have already felt as a result of her words, actions, etc. that would be bad enough, but yes it is entirely possible (and likely) things would have gotten much worse, in ways you can easily imagine, and even in ways you can’t imagine now.

          Good luck to you Ronald as you move on with your life. She didn’t know it, but the “order of protection” she got is actually protecting you. :) May you have a very Merry and Blessed Christmas – this is a great time of year to remember how much God loves us… and how His wisdom is much greater than ours.

  37. Well my Gf of 1.5 years has had her moments in our time together
    but about a month ago started her episode I can’t believe how we
    Went from lovey dovey to not wanting to talk but reading all the things
    about they will leave you most the time I try to think it can maybe be different
    In certain situations? Her best friend of 30 years told me to support and be patient
    So I will it’s very tough see her FB posts about being with friends but won’t be with me
    But im gonna stick it out and do my best ! Much love guys and if anyone wants to chat
    About thier day to day issues email me anytime

    • Hi Paul,

      Sorry you’re going through this. The romantic in me says “stick with her” but the realist tells me to earn you that the statistics are overwhelmingly against you.

      Some things to be very aware of:

      1/ you know that old joke about men not being able to understand how women think? Bipolar takes it to a whole new level.

      2/ as my ex- fiancee’s father said, “you’re dealing with a highly emotive person – logic just won’t work”

      3/ because she thinks differently to you, be prepared for the fact that she may well consider herself now single

      4/ while in a manic episode she may well decide that you’re the cause of her issues. You will not be able to make her realize that she is wrong. She will know better and your attempts to make her see clearly will most likely just reinforce to her that she is better off without you.

      By all means do whatever you can too support her but put your own health (mental, physical and heart) first.

      Good Luck.

  38. So I’m dealing with the love of my life having a episode. So I think. She went to a therapy appointment one day and broke up with me. I’m not sure what to do or say. She talks to me here and there but all and all she’s just being well not herself. We have a place together but she never asked me to leave or move out. I still have keys and everything is the same but I don’t know why she ended things. She is bipolar depressed with anxiety. My therapist says it’s her being scared of commitment and that I have to work on me. It’s hard when we haven’t had any problems and it just stops because she’s confused and not sure. Her friends told me to end it cuz it won’t end nice but they don’t know her medical history. I am sticking it out and wanting to be with her but I don’t know if I should tell her or if she knows. She lets me come and see our animals and still hasn’t told me to move
    Out and she hasn’t either. She also has told me I’m the only person that has ever wanted to be with her , be proud to be with her , to love her , to accept her in her own skin, and she said this has been the happiest she’s ever been that I’m her future wife, mother of her children and life. So how did it just flip and her say she doesn’t know and she has to do this for her. That she’s confused and she’s being selfish but yet tell me everything else. I’m going to stand by her but how long does this last or will it or I don’t know. I’m still shocked.

  39. So I’m thinking about the break up before this one ( before she really stopped talking to me as much ) I feel I need to apologize for not understanding what she’s going through and that her words that she said to me were lies. Because she was telling me I’m the one , I treat her like no one else has, we had the same tattoo, things like that. And I was upset and said you lied. And I feel bad and want to apologize for it but don’t know if I should. I’m still moving forward and holding hope that we will be together because she’s the one. I have no doubt. I told her that I want to grow old with her and she her be the mother of our children and my wife. She was that way a month ago. Now I’m sitting here having a wonderful support system and I thank you all.

  40. Great entry. Sorry I didn’t read rest of the comments. How can I expect that someone reads mine, than, right? Anyway I stopped meds withoud doctor couple of months ago. few weeks ago, strong manic episode started. I went to psychiatrist days agi and she put me on meds ( xanax, escitalopram, risperidon). But dosage is small and I am still crazy with people, only without physical things ( shivering, heart race and simmilar). Coming to my question. i live in a rathr small country and have just moved in a reall small town for drama college. In my notebook i carry around i had wrritten stzff doctor told. Last night i was with some college girks, and one read through my notebook while i was in toilet. She deffinetly read about me being bipolar, because she said later, guys from dramaturgy ( dn’t know if word is right) are crazy- but not like prarty crazy, but really. How should I act now that probalby many people know about my dissorder. It is a small country ( Montenegro) and people have rather barbaric view on mental illness.

    • Honestly if she read what you wrote and is judging you or telling people that isn’t right. Just know that someone who’s a friend or love interest won’t judge you but will be there for you. Good and bad , ups or downs. But keep writing and talking about what’s going on with you. Don’t loose you. Keep your head up and I’m sorry this has happened.

    • Joseph – glad to see that you’ve taken ownership of your situation and are looking for additional sources of help and information. It’s a great group here and you’ll be able to get help from all sorts of people who are affected by bipolar in one way or another.

      A couple of points strike me about your situation:

      1/ you’ve learned something about human nature – especially young (I’m guessing) females: they can be nosey and disrespectful of other people’s proerty or privacy. Unfortunately we can’t change that so best that you change your approach – no doubt you’ll now be more weary as to what you leave lying around for people to access. That’s not a criticism, just making sure you learned from that lesson :)

      2/ why did you stop your prescribed medication and go against the advice of your doctor? What made you feel that you know better? This is a common mistake and another learning for you. Really good to see that you’re self-aware and realised something was wrong so went to see your psychiatrist. Keep working with your health professionals to find the right combination of meds, psychotherapy, life-habits and CBT.

      3/ re. the stigmatism associated with mental health disorders – another general human trait: people generally fear what they don’t know. The best way to combat ignorance is through education. So the best tool you have is to point people to this blog so that they can start to read in their own time and become informed.
      Also there are a heap of Stephen Fry videos on YouTube where he openly talks about his bipolar. As someone without bipolar, I found them really useful to help me understand and empathise.
      Add to that, the most successful approaches in life are ones that involve simplicity and consistency. So stick to:
      – I was born with this, I did not chose this
      – this condition is a difficult one – it gives me overwhelming emotions of depression and sadness. And other times I’ll be so energised that nobody can keep up and I burn myself out – which exhausts me and sends me back into depression. Nobody wants that.
      – while I did not chose this disorder, I chose to manage it and I’m doing everything I can to not let this affect anyone else. This is MY burden.
      – while I did not chose this disorder, I AM NOT A VICTIM. But I know that I have to be disciplined about how I live my life healthily.
      – you think that your life is difficult? Try living with bipolar. Wanna swap?

      Now all of my points in 3/ above are generic and may not necessarily apply to you but the thing is this: you have to find a way to make other people humanise with you – they have to see you as a human in your own right. Don’t be defensice and at all costs avoid being aggtessive with them – that will most likely only result in an argument in which ultimately you’ll be labelled as “crazy.”

      It’s not the situation that defines you, it’s how you handle it: keep being self-aware; keep working with your health-professionals;; keep researching – but try to find a balance, don’t let it become an obsession; keep in mind that all moments pass and that generally it’s all a storm in a tea-cup: tomorrow’s always a new day :)

      Be good to others and especially be good to yourself.

      Good Luck :)

    • Let me tell you, dear people with such understanding and kind words, what happened tonight. Actually, I shall rewrite what I wrote in that same notebook just moments after it happened. And just to know, while I was writting I had you in mind, people on this forum, the ones who feel for one another. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind words. Here is recapitulation of tonight ( In montenegro it’s already almost 9pm) :
      ” Damn these people. If I was less of a human, they would have brought my hatred upon them. But all they have is my pitty. Thank you both Not saying and David. David, your answer especially made me youfull. Isn’t world beautifull place when a stranger types yout that long answer putting care and advice to it.
      God knows how long was I scared of my thoughts, wondering were they normal, do they have sense. They do, let me tell you. Everybody who reads this will agree with me not on the basis of mutual connection but through sheer understanding. It was at dinner at students hall for meals ( this is me now saying I don’t know right word for that place). I sat with them. Those girls who were reading through my notebook. We all finished, but one was hungry for more. She was scared of asking for another plate. We have coupons and with one coupon you get one meal. She was really anxious about asking for another burek ( google it). I was giving her Dickensian advices. Finally she went to ask, and got another one. Because it is not that big a deal. Then I said, counting 10 imnutes of her nervousnes, letting my poeti c and metaphoric spirit out: ” Wouldn’t it be funny if those weights that pressed your heart fell straight to your stomach, and make your stomach full now that you have your food.”. Joke. It is not grandiousnes that speaks through me but I must say it is rather smart joke.. One that could be in a novel, and I spilt it in front of them. So, the next to me, not the one who was scared, nor the one that read through my notebook says, not to me, but to all of them, about me, excommunicating me in that way: ” I didn’t understand him. Whad did he say? “. Evil sheep that seeks safety in flock of stupidity! I said, I murmured, it is your problem. She said, not hearing me for my muttering: ” Don’t explain, i don’t care.” When I was leaving she said: ” See you Psycho. You’re stuck with that nickname now.” They giggled, maybe. And for sure I know that she has on her cover photo that Niche’s quote about dancing people and those who don’t hear music. Well, I am the one who hears the music. I tell you all this just to show how society can be. I don’t despair, nor am I mad nnow. There is sense inn me, I know it. And I knew while it was happening that i am not alone, that I have all of you with me, and I want you all to know i am there for you. Maybe not geographicaly, but in mind, and with thoughts.”
      That is it. Sorry for the long post. Maybe I give it too much of attention, but it is how I am percieved, maybe, and that is what hurts. Nut I know that there is sense, that my thoughts have sense. And I cannot let everyone’s words bother me. There are good people in my life that understand and listen.ANd they are the one to give us stregth.

  41. When they come out of there episode do they come back? My 3 closest friends told me that one has her mom who’s bipolar, ones grandma and ones neighbor. They say they watch there loved ones go up and down and are mean then nice and then they are fine. Then they come back to the ones they are with.

    • NotSaying – this is a common question that we all ask ourselves because at heart is the hope that the person we love will return to the way they were and we’ll all live happily ever after. But the reality is that while there are common traits, each person is unique and individual. And even if she does return, she can swing back the other way at any point.

      Now I’m a massive romantic so I believe in the power of unconditional and overwhelming love. Admittedly my experiene with my ex-fiancee has put some dents in that belief. Never-the-less, if you think that what she has to offer you is worth the struggle then by all means hang out for her. But be honest with yourself and accept that this MIGHT (not necessarily “will”) mean waiting for years, seeing her be sexually promiscuous beyond college-student-slapper standards, seeing her ruin her life financially, receiving a heap of abuse from her, having her contact you out of the blue and then disappear again, etc., …

      And that’s just to see if she comes back. And when back she may well do similar things inn public that cause you embarassment. And then the cycle will most likely continue after that.

      IF you think you can handle that, not take it personally, can support her and forgive her when necessary then by all means, hang in there. Personally, I would take my ex back in a heart-beat but that’s because with all of the research that I’ve done, I am pretty comfortable / believe that I now recognise which symptoms and characteristics apply for her and I can see that’s she doesn’t display the promiscuity, spending etc., … but does suffer from deep depression, anhedonia etc., … which I can support. But that decision has been very carefully thought through. And I’m not hanging out for her. I’m letting my life move on so that I can enjoy whatever comes my way (romantically or otherwise). I think that this is the point that you need to work towards: loving her but not having every waking moment consumed by her, taking your life back and enjoying it without her. Then if she comes back, life hopefully gets even better :)

      I hope that helps.


      • Thank you for being so understanding. I have been doing so much research on bipolar disorder and speaking to my friends who have loved ones that suffer from bipolar. Grant it everybody is different and has different backgrounds. I heard the one thing that gives me hope. My friend said when they have a episode they take it out on the one person that they see they love. She said her sister did it and didn’t talk to her for 2 years. But now I am trying to move forward knowing that I will be with her in a heartbeat. Continue to putting one foot forward at a time.

  42. So the ones that read my previous entry well I just had a friend text me say I need to tell you something. I said what’s up. She said your girl is on a dating website. I’m like oh I know we never knew how to deactivate it after 2 years. She’s like oh. I was like what’s her screen name. She told me and I said yeah that’s it but it says she was in a 2 year relationship and that she just got a promotion. I’m like are you kidding she’s like no. It says she was on a hour ago. But she’s still having her fb say we are engaged. Wtf. What switch flipped what happen. I asked and she kept telling me she doesn’t know. I just want to scream and I’m dying inside. I went to our apartment when she was gone and nothing was changed nothing was taken down. There was more alcohol on the table but that’s it. Help me.

    • your pain is obvious – as is your turmoil. The hard thing to accept is that things are often outside of our control. So we sometimes have to accept that nomatter how much we might love someone and be willing to face whatever challenges or changes are necessary in order to have a life with that special someone … it’s a two-sided story. And if that ‘special someone’ doesn’t feel the same way then sadly there’s nothing we can do.

      If your ex is back on a dating site then, the right or wrong, she’s doing things that exclude you from a singular romantic relationship. Sad buut true: there is nothing that you can do to stop that. All you can do is be true to yourself and continue to try to be the best person you can be. And truly believe in that: that you ARE a good person and don’t let her comments or behaviour give you any reason at all to doubt yourself.

      When you love someone with all of your heart – TRULY – then you have to be happy too see them happy. Even if that means without you. It’s hard but truly, if you love her, don’t judge her – just accept it and hope that she’s happy. And try to move on gracefully.

      I know this is difficult. But you, like me and hundreds / thousands before us, are neither the first nor the last to face this heartbrache. But like so many others, it’s up to you as to whether this destroys you or wheter you come out stronger.

      I think you have it in you to do the latter.

      Be strong. And remember, breathe, count to 10 and I DESERVE (AND AM) BETTER THAN THIS … llke all things, this moment will pass :)

      Good luck.

  43. It hurts when people say things about me. Basically telling me what I should do. But yet they never understand it’s easy said then done. I have be through so much abuse in my life. I could write a book! I suffer from bipolar, add, generalized anxiety, dependency disorder. Plus take over 6 meds daily single parent of two kids. For the most part my family of all people seem to not understand how difficult living with these problems can be. I sometimes feel alone like no one cares! I feel unwanted and loved! Wherever my girls keeps me sane more then others. I’ve never been the type to be abusive physically. But sometimes verbally I’ve became better over time. I am highly appreciative to find a site that others can relate to me. Thanks so much Natasha for the opportunity! The control of my mind is unreal I hate the feeling the why I think and act. It’s challenging. I be wanting to give up but I refuse. I’m afraid my children will face some of the things I have. My childhood was not good! I am blessed! I think to myself and ask maybe only if a person with a mental illness lived a month in my shoes they might understand. When I get upset here and there I be wanting others to feel my pain. I go to therapy but have been in like 2 months. They tell me to write my thoughts I can’t! Not focused enough I cry when important things not accomplished. I can go on and on but I will discuss on a later day. All I mostly need is support from a person that can relate or understand the pain. I hate to hear negative feedback from my family I feel like I’m closed in a bubble and can’t get out. When I leash out they think I’m crazy. But forget that I been asking for their help and no respnse. I have a big relief from my chest as I type all that has built up over months. I normally sure my inner thoughts with my therapist. Thanks for reading my post! I need physical help just as much mental help. When I lack mentally I lack on things that needs to been done. When I can get it finish it’s way more that I can hadle. So what is there for me to do. My therapist said my condition is and will get better over time. I tried writing reminders, going step by step and others things but nothing seem to work. I ask for help by family try tell me what to do. It’s easy to be told but hard to stay focused enough to actually complete.

    • Wow. To read what you just wrote and try to relate to a daliey struggle for you I can feel. Your words and thoughts that have been going from every way. It’s making me understand what the woman I love may be dealing with on her own level. You are incredibly strong and keep expressing yourself here or to your therapist or me. I want to understand more about what it is you go through everyday. So that saying put yourself in there shoes will be true for me. I thank you for sharing and I know your strong and will continue to make progress.

      • Thanks for replying I do understand it’s only so much anyone can take. Sick or not but to be understand and supportive helps. You may feel as if all you doing is not enough. I can assure you it shows how much you do have a heart! A person may never feel the same exact way the I’ll person feel. However just being by their side and seeing what why face. Will put you as close to their way of living as possible. I’m not saying take all the abuse but to keep teaching them a better way of doing things. It’s more of a reassurance then anything. We tend to ask the same things or do things we really didn’t think it’s not bad. For me medicine management and therapy go hand and hand. It took me years to understand! I went through hell and back taking meds that had many side effects. It took me to keep facing a down fall to finally give my last meds and chance to just see if I would see any results. I slowly start feeling better over time. I would say it took maybe a month to actually feel like I had my life back. I have to relearn things in the right way as for thinking more rational. I say this finally hit me the beginning of this year. My condition was at a severe state! I felt out of reality reckless behavior crying often and didn’t care what happens to me. I gave up because I felt alone like no matter who and where I went no one would understand. However god stood by my side the whole ride and still is. As I look back it’s been about 10 months now I feel much better. I felt like 90% of the time up until I reached out I was willing to get help. I was not going to make it in life. But now I fell 60% better then only 10% I see how it feels to be somewhat normal. However I still have a ways to go but it’s not near as bad as at first. If I could be any help to you or anyone that reads my post please email me. I care I do understand! The worst thing a person can do is the turn their back when a love one needs you the most!?

        • I emailed you and would love to keep in communication and understanding what’s going on with you and possibly the love of my life’s head. I’m just scared she doesn’t want help or know she needs it and me being there to say hay something isn’t right she didn’t want to hear. Me being out of the main picture is better because her friends don’t see anything wrong. They party , drink , smoke and she’s fine I’m just the one that’s over bearing

          • Also I don’t know how much to text or what. I don’t know if her words are true or is it just because of her bipolar.

            • So the ones that read my previous entry well I just had a friend text me say I need to tell you something. I said what’s up. She said your girl is on a dating website. I’m like oh I know we never knew how to deactivate it after 2 years. She’s like oh. I was like what’s her screen name. She told me and I said yeah that’s it but it says she was in a 2 year relationship and that she just got a promotion. I’m like are you kidding she’s like no. It says she was on a hour ago. But she’s still having her fb say we are engaged. Wtf. What switch flipped what happen. I asked and she kept telling me she doesn’t know. I just want to scream and I’m dying inside. I went to our apartment when she was gone and nothing was changed nothing was taken down. There was more alcohol on the table but that’s it. Help me.

  44. I have a question.

    My fiancé and I were engaged for the past year and a half. She asked me in front of my closest friends. We were doing well. So I thought. She had changed over her meds from one that had a side effect of weight gain to one that doesn’t. I saw her personality and love with me fade. Then In August she came home and told me she couldn’t do it Anymore and that she wasn’t in love. So I left. Then that same day she was texting me saying her hearts mine, that she doesn’t want me to get over her cuz she won’t get over me. So we took it slow and we were getting back on track. She then again talked about having kids and a home and she saw me as her future wife. Then her psychiatrist told her she needs to go to see a therapist. So she set them up and then told me that the psychologist told her that the “partner” blames the medication change on the issue with the relationship. Then we were working things out. Her telling me everything is going well and that things are changing. Then in her first section her therapist told her to end things with me. So she did. Can please someone give me some reasonable advice. She goes from I love you. I’ll never let you go your the love of my life. I’ll never let you go because your amazing. To sorry I don’t care for you like you do for me. She is bipolar and depressed. She is on meds but I feel it’s not working but she won’t listen or am I wrong? Any advice would help. Thank you.

    • Unfortunately your situation is a common one.

      You have to realise that your ex-fiancée face Ms a huge battle for the rest of her life. She will be susceptible to overwhelming emotions which may change quickly and dramatically but, most importantly, will be genuine and authentic to her: When she says she loves you she will must likely believe it 1000% and when she says that she sees no future with you she will also believe that 1000% too.

      She will have a journey to go through to learn how to recognise a temporary “bipolar moment” that will pass vs a permanent opinion; she will have to learn her triggers and a combination of tools and strategies that will help her to manage her life going forward.

      There’s is absolutely nothing that you can do to fix her. She has to do this with support and patience from lived ones and professionals.

      The only thing you have to do is ask yourself whether or not you can handle the mood swings. You’ve already seen how significant and unexpected they can be – do you want a life of that? There’s no crystal ball or guaranteed fix so you may be lucky or you may have a rocky future filled with uncertainty. Only you can decide if you handle that.

      Sorry you’re having to go through this. But it is what it is – neither of you asked for this but you do have to be very realistic about the likely future.

      Good luck

      • My fear is that she doesn’t know she is going through a episode. What I have read up on and what my therapist has told me is to give her time. I have decided to place myself in therapy so I can cope with when and if she does come back with trying to understand when she acts out. Because I feel when I cry she freaks out since stress and anxiety does not help the symptoms. But how do we talk when she thinks nothing is wrong and she keeps saying everything is fine. I don’t want to force her. I’m so scared she won’t come back and she is going to be in that scary place. I love her and want to stand by her side but I don’t know if she will let me. She’s only been diagnosed for 7 years and hasn’t been in great relationships. I’ve been her serious and longest of 2 years. I guess my question is when she comes out of this swing will she come back? I’m so lost confused and sad. Our love has been amazing but when I hear she’s confused and says I don’t know if we are meant to be. It breaks my heart. I’m keeping my patience and I just don’t know if I should text her or call her to let her know I’m here and I love her. If that would overwhelm her. Because durning this last break she even said that its to much work. That I try harder then her when I haven’t seen that. I am so lost. Thank you so much for writing back and opening my eyes more. Anymore help I would truly love it.

        • I think you’ve hit it on the head: She doesn’t believe there’s a problem. There are plenty of websites that will tell you that the first step toward resolving a problem is acknowledging that there IS a problem. Until she acknowledges that there is a problem that SHE WANTS TO CHANGE she’s just not ready for a relationship. Until that point, she will be a time-bomb waiting to go off. When she does go off, she will most likely believe that you are the problem. For a relationship to have any chance of success, BOTH parties have to be willing to accept that they may not be perfect but that this is ok as long as they are BOTH willing to accept that they may need to make some changes to work on the relationship.

          I get that you love her unconditionally. But you need to ask yourself whether or not she can return your love the way that you need her to. It’s not about how much you love her – is about how much she can function i normally in a relationship.

          It’s a crap condition: there’s no known cure and each person is unique – and it has certainly resulted in many a broken heart, that’s for sure.

          • As I sit here and try to fight my tears and my breaking heart. I have no sense of relief Just for that split second when I thought I may or may not have hope. I still cling to the side of hope but who knows if I’m the dumb one too. I feel that her therapist said more to her because this is the first time that her psychiatrist told her to set up some appointments. She hasn’t asked me to get my things and the social sites say we are together. But yet that too can change. Everyone around me is telling me give her space but let her know your there but don’t be to forceful or over sappy. Just say hi how’s your day. I’m thinking about you. Or good night I love you. Just to reassure her I’m here. I just can’t explain why or what happen. I know the marriage and kids freaked her out but then it stopped came back and she kept asking herself of we are meant to be. Then we were then we’re fine. To 5 days ago we are done. I feel it’s her medication change. But I’m just an outsider. Who knows.

    • Dear Not Saying,
      I have sooooooo much to say about your come moment/needing advice. I too have been in 1 relationship with a girl for 6 years who had bipolar and am in a relationship now with a girl who also has bipolar…….. your relationship mirrors both relationships I was in and am in. I really don’t wantbto post on here because of how much I have to say. Could I give you my private email and we could write that way??? I would love to talk and give you advice!! I feel like a pro at this point…..

  45. Upside of musical loops in the brain is that they can be used to learn a musical instrument. It’s a unique, if sometimes punishing, kind of memory quirk. It kind of reminds me of some autistic memory idiosyncrasies. I’ve tried talking to therapists about it, but they just didn’t get it.

  46. I was reading this while distracted at work and playing the same song for literally the 8th time in a row haha, so I believe this analysis is spot on.

  47. Hi I am getting where you are coming from ME TOO!!
    I have bipolar and personality traits. It had taken years
    to be diagnosed with this. I also have a son whom has had three open heart surgeries and has dyspraxia and developmental delay. I can cope with this ok and this does not phase me except when I am blaming and beating myself up that I am useless. Not really any of my friends and family get me, they just say oh I get like that or have days like that. I tend to hide my feelings through happy smiles and maybe silly behaviour but when I loose it I really loose it

    • Kacy thanks for what you said
      We stayed at a Mcdonald House during the last set of surgeries. The folks at the smokers table outside were much better support than our friends or family. No one can understand what it might be like to be a parent of a child who is in a a life long fight to stay alive.
      Best to you

      Update on Bipolar meds
      I sustained a concussion from passing out at at a store yesterday.
      Two of the Bipolar meds I take have dizziness as a side effect
      The high blood presure meds I take have dizziness as a side effect.

      Seeing my GP friday to see if staples are ready to come out and to switch to new medicine for high blood preasure.
      My Phychirist is skyping with me as an offsite office visit to talk about changing meds.

      And so it goes.

      PS my spelling sucks. ;-)

  48. How do we think? Is anyone a ”counter” here?

    When I read posts -like say here on his forum, I count the names of people who have names with a double consonant or a double vowel, like I’m fixated on this. Here, there are just so many –I get dizzy counting!
    In a ladies room I might count the tiles in my stall. This may be a sign of- OCD- right? It can drive me crazy, or is that redundant? I’m there already anyway… 1 2 4 5 6 7 8 etc

  49. Every time (7 so far) I read this article tears and despair.

    I have been diagnosed as Bi Polar with a side of ADHD two years ago.

    My wife says that I great in an emergency and not so good in day to day life. (we have a child with Complex CHD (3 open heart surgeries and Pacemaker dependent)

    After my diagnoses she and I agreed that a lot of my behaviour made sense. ( extreme emotions, lingering depression and tightly contained anger that manefests in self harm and trashing things)

    The first round of meds made me into a zombie, very flat affect with ED (Erectile dysfunction). Needless to say or sex life suffered, a lot.

    Tried not being on meds and went right back to erratic swings in mood and behavior. Our sex life suffered some more.

    New meds that limited the swings, Sex life not improved as the recent history was hard for her to get over and back to a satisfying sex life.

    Meds get adjusted and when we do have sex or other close personal interactions she says that I am different and not fully engaged.

    I am lonely surrounded be those that love me.

    It is exhausting remembering to smile and reframing what others say so that it is easier to not over react.

    I miss a lot of who I was. I wish I was not Bi Polar so much.

    I am looking, not as hard as I could, for a cognitive therapist.

    I really glad I found this blog as I feel less alone.

    Thanks for giving me a place to speak.

    Best you.

  50. I know how THIS person > (me who has bipolar) , thinks–but as of lately I have had contact with a person who seems to have all of the red flags of a person with ”’Borderline Personality Disorder”’
    Truth here is, —
    this person HAS- raging, uncontrolled BPD. And from living with bipolar , I can honestly say, I’d rather have bipolar than be Borderline. And that’s saying something. No offense to Borderlines, but I would.

    Question here, (for me) is–How do THEY think? How do Borderlines think? Are they always so full of revenge, and hate? Why do they really enjoy hurting sick or defenseless people?
    Are they aware of sinking so low, that they’d even make fun of someones dead loved one, and find it funny?

    She’s on the ‘Red eye’ any time someone is sick, mourning, or suffering.
    That makes her happy. It seems to thrills her. It feeds her when she can lie, back stab and ridicule sick people whenever she’s so inclined. She has no conscience. She functions, eats and sleeps–and lives her miserable, angry vengeful life -with no conscience. I don’t feel it’s an illness that can’t be handled or curtailed, but rather an illness that likes things just the way they are.

    If you could say the most caustic, hurtful and ugly remarks to the sick, dying or the bereaved to make them feel even worse–and actually enjoy doing so–
    It’s what she does! –and she revels in doing so.
    So. I know what they are capable of doing. I’ve witnessed it. BUT ?
    -How Do Borderlines think?

    • I suffer from BPD, and I can’t speak for everyone, mainly for myself. But from my own experience, from all the discussions with other people with BPD and from all the books that I’ve read I can tell you that I don’t know a single bordeline who is intentionally evil. People with BPD suffer from so much emotional pain that is so intense, that they can’t help but slip into negativity all the time. Because they hate themselves so much and because others remind them of their imperfections (others have stable lives, stable loving relationships, a job for years and not for just two months max, others seem to enjoy life and not struggle with it on a daily basis) they just tend to experience this pure hatred and anger towards others and towards themselves because they don’t “fit in”. And they can’t control this anger and they can’t control what it’s doing with them. The anger is so overwhelming that they need to let it out. So they act out. I don’t know a single person who does that and takes pleasure in it. Usually borderlines feel ashamed of the way the feel and act. When I’m in this “I hate the whole world and I hate everyone and I want everyone to suffer terribly and die” state I am at the same time in the “Why am I such a monster, why do I hate everyone so much, where does this hatred come from, why doesn’t it go away, why why why?! I’m a terrible person, I don’t deserve to be alive” state. I’ feel deeply ashamed for thinking and feeling the way I do. I feel ashamed for being myself. Sometimes the feelings of guilt are so intense, that I need to punish myself, so I beat myself in the head. Some people cut, I don’t. This is a terrible mix of sheer anger, hatred, guilt, hopelessnes and helplessness.

      I seriously doubt that those people who take pleasure in seeing others suffer have BPD. Maybe there is some extreme case of BPD where people indeed act like psychopaths – idk, but like I said I don’t know any borderlines who are psychopaths. They are mostly nice people, trying hard to be good and normal, trying hard to control themselves and not be so negative, angry, hostile, intense and sometimes horrible to others, but they can’t, they just fail. These episodes come out of nowhere and they just happen to you and you get lost in them, in this negativity and there’s no way out. When the episode ends, the feelings of shame and guilt get even more extreme. You realize what you’ve done or said to people you love. You didn’t want to hurt them but you did and you’re helpless against your own actions. It’s pure hell.

      Hurting sick and defensless people – never ever would I even think of that. Also, there’s little (actually nothing at all) funny in anything that a person with BPD experiences. Does anything I’ve described sounds like fun to you? There’s no pleasure in making others feel bad. Not to me, not to any person with BPD I know. Maybe only our enemies and people who wish us bad or treat us badly, but hey, that’s human, that’s not BPD. Nobody likes it when people treat them badly so sometimes you treat them badly too because they deserve it. But again, that’s normal and there’s nothing pathological or inhuman in such behavior.

      So I suppose the person you are describing does not suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. It’s a common misconception about borderlines that they are evil horrible monsters and they enjoy being that way. That’s not true. They’re not evil, they’re suffering and all they really truly want is to lead a normal life, be like everybody else, be good, love and be loved. But their illness prevents them from that. It’s a complex illness and I can’t go into details much, but you could read more about it if you’re really interested. There’s a subreddit called BPD and people write there quite a lot so you can find out how they think and what they feel first hand.

      Hope that was helpful.

  51. I recently reconnected with a man I dated 33 years ago through social media. We both were substance abusers who did stop…me for the past 32.5 years, him for about 26 years until he started drinking again 5 years ago. He has been very disturbed since he was a teenager and he attributes it to the abuse from his dad during his childhood. He believes he is bipolar. He is a Vietnam Vet. He thinks he suffers with PTSD. He was married three times. Each marriage suffered from the depressive behaviors, nightmares, verbal abuse and mean behavior he demonstrated. He said when he withdraws and hangs out down in the basement for a week, a month, etc. there were like three different guys down there and you never knew who would come back upstairs. His third wife would say, “who are you” after an extended stay downstairs. She had her faults too and picked fights and ranted. He did accept one antidepressant medication he’s used over the years that seems to have helped some. Now that he is drinking again it isn’t as effective. All this information is what he tells me. We live about 400 miles apart and use the telephone mainly for communication. He calls and is nice for a while then the alcohol kicks in and he talks in a loop for hours……around like laps at the raceway…..and the drunker he gets the more he talks about who needs to be shot….mainly the “nigga’s” meaning individuals who are pushing drugs/pimping, stealing, and other worthless deeds…..and one night he was carrying on and said two “nigga’s” attacked him to rob him and he shot and killed them both and left them in the street. He repeatedly told me prior to this revelation that as far as he knew he didn’t kill anyone….in Vietnam or any where else, then changed it. I have no way to prove anything, but it is distressing. He continues to talk about using his service pistol to put a bullet through his temple and not to feel bad for him if he does. He has no living relatives, no children, one real friend who is about 80 now and lives 500 miles away. I’m the bright spot in his life. None of the ex-wives communicate with him. He went to the VA some years back to seek help during a suicidal period when he lost his job and third wife. He claims they wouldn’t let him leave or call anyone over a 2 day stay and he refused to talk. He won’t even try to talk to a mental health professional. He keeps telling me he isn’t well mentally or physically…..has deep vein thrombosis and high blood pressure and some type of liver disorder and lost all motivation and has been sitting at home watching TV for the last 12 years. He has nothing to do or look forward to. I’m unable to visit him or travel as I am homebound with Ideopathic Pulmonary Fibrosis and my lungs are half destroyed so breathing is a huge health concern and catching a cold or flu could take me down for good. I am not encouraging him to travel with that deep vein thrombosis as it could get worse from trying to drive that long way. I’ve explained that he is really reaching out for help and he is the one who must make the choice to get with God and get counseling. We both participated in the AA program so he knows what I’m talking about. If anyone has any words of wisdom for me I’d be so very grateful. Thank you.

  52. I am a caregiver to someone who has bipolar. This may not be appropriate site to discuss but would anyone mind lending some insight on how to handle situations?

    • definitely appropriate to discuss: the general rules here appear to be that as long as it’s done in a respectful way, openness and honesty is encouraged. I think most would agree that it’s ignorance and stigma that cause a lot of society’s issues!

      My advice (as a non-bipolar person) would be to read up as much as you can here. I guess you’ll be coming from 2 angles: how to support the person you’re caring for (i.e. empathising and understanding their challenges without necessarily enabling them) and also how to protect yourself (mentall and physically).

      What you’ll find from the info here is that it’s a complex disorder. And while there are certain behavioural traits, not everyone displays them – and those that do, display them to differet extents. So it’s key to remember that each person is individual.

      I think that as long as you are compassionate but have clearly defined healthy boundaries then you’re off to a good start. But read, read, READ as much as you can.

      I was just talking with a clinical psychologist a few weeks back and she advised that the key to assessing a mentally ill patient are these questions:
      – does the person realise that there is an issue and do they actively want to take ownership of making some changes to their way of thinking and behaving?
      – what is the person’s capacity for change (i.e. how much change can they handle at any time)?
      – what is the person’s communication style (direct, indirect, are they stubborn, argumentative, etc., …)?

      Then you can start to work out how you interact with that person while you combine medication with CBT, group and one-on-one psycho therapy, forums, healthhy life-habits (food, exercise, understanding triggers and strategies for avoiding negative thoughts, etc., …)

      And just bear in mind that it’s probably going to be far FAR harder than it sounds. It’s a really complex disorder and you;re dealing with people who still have emotions and feelings.

      And remember to get some suupport for yourself throughout your care-giving. The moment you start to get hacked off with the person you’re caring for, it’s time to step back and review where things are at.

      Hope that helps. Good luck :)

    • Hi Concerned Caregiver,

      You might appreciate the book titled, “Loving Someone with Bipolar Disorder” by Julie Fast. Her website is
      Also the International Bipolar Foundation has a wealth of information.
      My husband found both of those very helpful in learning how to support me with bipolar disorder II.

  53. Dear Anonymous,
    Just an Idea, I did this before, I took myself and my baby to a safe house. I don’t know if you have good ones where you live, or not so good. Try and find one. Try through DFS, a welfare office, an abuse hotline, anything you can think of. Are you on disability? To receive medical? A fee clinic of some sort? God, there has to be something/somewhere you can go to start a new life. You will have peace at a safe house, and they help you in many areas. Daycare, help to find a job (if you are not working) basically, the environment is NON TOXIC, which is the first thing that needs to happen. I’m hoping you have access to meds. If not, the workers at a safe house will be able to send you into the right direction. I know it is easier said than done, and I can feel in my bones that familiar feeling of ‘snapping”. Just get what you need and go. Don’t look back. With much love and peace, your Bipolar sister.

  54. I have an appointment on Tuesday to see a specialist, after 20 years of Prozac it appears at least to my doctor that I am bipolar. He sent me online to fill out a questionnaire which I kind of got bored with but managed to complete it honestly……the results however groan! Bipolar depressed you name it yes I do have the tendencies. I had to go see my doctor not because I wanted to but because I had to anyone in this state understands I think. I was sleeping 16hrs a night with zero energy, thoughts that even I have to admit are not normal and that is saying something. I just do not and still do not understand the point of all of us being here…..we live we die now don’t take that as suicidal as that is another frame of mind that sometimes peeks his head out. I do not handle bs well it is what it is in my opinion, I am extremely immature and do not hold my feelings in I am often thought of as extremely childish. The f’d up part is and I say this with a straight face…..I do not understand what I am doing wrong and shrug it off continuing with the same behavior. In my rare glimpse of normal I get very frustrated at who I am verses a normal person. I am addicted to everything although I did quit drinking and smoking 6 months ago I have taken on new habits thus the cycle continues abeit in a new light! I have thoughts of pure brilliance I scribble them down on paper. I am not even remotely organised, I live alone by choice other people I do not understand and I do not want them invading my space. All of this is normal to me and that is just a fraction of my thought process. Yes my friends I am truly unequivocally fucked! other then that things are going well……

    • Yeah, Scott, I totally hear you. Every bit of you email sound alot like me, except the part about living alone. I need people around me. But even then I’m lonely. I’m diagnosed with Dep & Anx & PTSD…but I think I’m Bipolar too :(

  55. I’m bipolar and the mother of a 13 month old. I can’t handle anything anymore. All me an his father do is fight. Living in a shifty basement. No job. Not enough money for anything. I do Not love my sons father. I despise him at this point. I am very unhappy. I have no where else to go. I have no family. I have no support of any kind. I hate my life. I do not even enjoy being a mother. I’m either angry or unhappy or upset. One minute I’m fine with the baby the next I’m losing my mind d getting angry because I have to tell him “NO” “STOP” ect ect ect. Its driving me crazy because I know he knows no better and needs me but I get so mad that I want to scream at him. And sometimes I do. Then I start crying because I feel bad. I think he would be better off if I leave. But I know first hand what that does when a child’s parebt Just leaves. And then I think I should just commit suicide. But I know what that could do as well

    • Your post has deeply impacted a lot of people. I can see you are feeling very “stuck”. Please know that we will be thinking about you. Whenever I crash really bad it usually lasts about two days, it’s a horrible experience as you know. I have to keep in mind that there is sanity and relief on the other side. Your child loves you and needs you more than you can imagine, and I believe you need your child. You may not see it right now but your life will change.

      If you are on med”s they may not be the right one’s. The right med’s will enable you to change your situation. If you’re not, please see someone asap. Your County mental health department can help you at little to no cost.

      Change your environment for a few minutes, make yourself take a walk. I know it’s hard.

      I will be thinking about you, and I’m sure many others will be too. Use this line of communication.


    • hi there,

      glad you made it to this site – asking for help is the first step. I see that your post is a couple of weeks old so I hope that you are coping and that things are improving for you.

      You’re already going through a tough time: pregnancy and child-birth take a huge toll on a woman’s body and mind – that’s one of the reasons men respect women so much :) So TRY not to be too hard on yourself for being depressed or angry: a lot of that would happen anyway due to the sheer exhaustion.

      I’m not bipolar but one thing that does come seem clear from what I’ve read is this: all things pass. i.e. when you’re overwhelmed with emotions, it won’t last forever.

      I would suggest getting in touch immediately with your doctor: as a new mother you need post-natal support PLUS you need specialist help in light of your bipolar.

      And keep asking for help here – there’s a HEAP of good information here – and great people who will willingly offer help from their own personal experiences.

      Good luck and wishing you all the best with your new son.


  56. BP Type 2. I’ve been chasing sanity for about 25 years now. This is all so multi-layered. Work, family, stress. Med’s, Dr’s. It’s as if all of your nerve endings are exposed, too much input results in overload. I’m writing because I have again lost my job. I’m just waiting for the black clouds to move in. I feel sorry for my family. My lack of control over my life compels me to want to control those of my family. I try and keep on top of my faults, then work very hard on resolving them one at a time.

    I mentioned the feeling of being overloaded. We lived in Colorado for 13 years and recently moved back to Texas. I never really had any friends in Colorado, except for the mountains. I camped alone often. All the feelings, stress, thoughts I had accumulated just fell away. I felt at peace. I was the happiest I have ever been, especially when my daughters would go with me. Since I had no friends at that time I have become a-social. Then we moved to Texas. I have now been stripped of everything that brings me sanity. I’m trying really hard to stay glued together. Thanks for the space to vent.

  57. Hi Nicola (I think I have already forgot how to spell your name, I am sorry if it is not right) I hope you can find a GOOD Psychiatrist. It is hard to do. I am not trying to discourage you. In my case I would get a doc, have them for awhile, something would go wrong, anything really, and I’d have to go to another. They change meds, then they change meds, oh, and then they change meds. Sorry but to me I used to feel like it was a pissing match for ‘doctors’ to think the previous ‘doctor’ didn’t know what they were doing. In the mean time, I was sick, hospitalized in- patient, crazy sick withdrawals from all the med switching. The end point for me was when a ‘doctor’ told me that I ‘HAD TO AFFORD’ a certain drug and it was not a generic. He had me on Zyprexa and I had been on Seroquel. I ended up with Tardive Dyskinesia. Basically a crazy uncontrollable mouth disorder that makes you look like you are on meth 24/7 – caused by antipsycotics. I apologize for my spelling, it has deteriorated in rapid fashion since 2009. FINALLY after my third inpatient stay, I was connected with a very respected psychiatrist (funny how we can all still spell psychiatrist though, seriously funny) at a very well known and respected psychiatric out patient office still connected with the main hospital and all the other specialists. It is a university hospital and I have to drive 2 and a half hours to get there. I still ended up one more time in an inpatient setting but at least I have more ‘baseline’ days. I have bipolar II depression with general anxiety and mood disorders, I am a very rapid cycler, even daily (and I don’t mean on a bike). I have had this wonderful, knowledgable, caring doctor since 2011 and I have a better ‘baseline’ than I ever had before. And he has even (via medication of course) been able to stop the symptoms of my TD (tardive dyskinesia). So when you see an ad on TV that says “may cause uncontrollable muscle movements” take it seriously. Finally my point. Please research to the best of your ability when looking for a psychiatrist to diagnose you. If he/she will not let you have a say in your treatment plan, RUN AWAY!!! It will spare you unnecessary unpleasantries you do not need on top of trying to alleviate the horrid symptoms and fallout you already have with mental illness. I wish you the very best, truly, it is so important to have a good doc. I never realized it until I finally got one. I know I’m not completely well, I don’t know that I will ever be, but at least I’m not going from this med to that med every three months with dreadful results. Please, please, please research. GOOD LUCK GOOD LUCK GOOD LUCK!

  58. Hi I think I am undiagnosed bi polar ,I’m defo something (crazy) the thing is I know I’m doing it but I just can’t stop ,im a busy bee I never sit down and some times I’m stupid happy and chatty and I can hear my self and I think SHUT UP ! But I can’t , then I flip to not speaking to any one ,my partner has put up with so much from me ,from trashing things to being abusive and manipulative and I never back down or say sorry ,and some times I feel nothing I think fuck off I really don’t care or even better I’ll fuck off and drink and sleep around and be self destructive ,my triggers are stress or if I have some thing in my head that’s routine and you mess it up ,or if I feel my partner is neglecting me ! I’m right and yr hurting me and I’m gonna hurt u bk and if u walk away that’s OK because I can just be left to become more self destructive ,then I can flip to I’m so normal thinking straight and I can see my crazyness I just can’t stop it ,I was sexually abused from the age of 5 and sexually assaulted by some1 else at 11 I have struggled with sociaphobia and lots of anxiety and trust issues that mess with my head some times ,I think my partner understands me to a point but he can also very much be a trigger for me to kick off ,I spend a whole yr just looking out the window getting drunk and being a tart and wishing I was dead, then I look bk and it makes me feel sick the the things I have done ,because when I’m “normal” I’m very moral .I’m not crazy all the time I’m actually really nice I just have these mad moments which I’m aware off but can’t stop !

  59. Pingback: How a Person with Bipolar Thinks | Nelly Rants A Lot

  60. I do not believe that this condition has anything to do with child abuse. I think it is a brain malfunction. Child abuse can enhance the problems but, I do not think it is the cause. My husband had a wonderful childhood. He experienced no poverty. He had loving parents that remained together their whole lives. They are not abusive in any way. His Aunt on his mother’s side has had serious forms of mental illness and was hospitalized. Trauma can heighten the problems I am sure.When calm and rational we are pretty happy. He will promise to seek help and admit he was behaving badly. That is until the next episode.

    • For others child abuse seemed to trigger BP. That’s not likely in your husband’s case and there seems to be some genetics at play. At this point, the cause matters far less than the cure. You and your husband have some good things going on; he needs to focus (once again) on a treatment plan if he’s hoping to save the marriage. I’ll respond to your other post.

  61. My husband has many manic episodes that leave me full and anger and confusion. All responses go to the extreme. He had ADHD and was diagnosed as a child and frequently admits he gets like that. If we are at a store he is either on top of me examining each item I look at or if I complain about his shadowing he will disappear. It’s always one extreme or the other. If we have a disagreement he will lash out in this self righteous dance, carry on for hours, days, or even weeks. Usually he takes off. During the argument he will insist he is right no matter how irrational and refuse any compromise. He gets very abusive. Each remark seems to get more and more irrational as time goes on. At this point he will try to inflame the situation and punish,punish, punish to all extremes. He will accuse me of the bizarre. Frighteningly he will try to control me with stronger and stronger threats. He will threaten to embarrass me or involve others I admire such as some teacher I barely know or a neighbor. He’ll accuse me of causing him to lose his jobs. Most of the time he quits out of the blue and gets another one. Families, spouses, parents, and children of those with bi polar suffer so much. After the chaos he will have long episodes of passive aggression, silent treatment, and acts of sabotage of himself and me. I don’t know where to turn any more. We have been to 15 counselors. I have to leave because he is driving me crazy.

    • Of course, this is my own opinion/suggestion based on people in my immediate family and close friends, and based on the limited info you provided.

      Joanne, the first 6+ lines you wrote described ADHD. Does your husband take anything for that, e.g. Adderall or Ritalin, etc. If so, please understand that ADHD & BP are highly co-morbid. If a person has JUST ADHD, prescribed amphetamines usually work pretty well.

      However, if a person is co-morbid with both of these illnesses, and takes those same meds (without a mood stabilizer…and even WITH a mood stabilizer sometimes, he/she is likely to become manic. ) From the last 8+ lines you wrote, your husband sounds like he’s manic.

      I don’t know what your husband is taking, but he’s clearly in crisis, and it would be a shame to see you split up over something that a med adjustment could make a difference.

      I think your next mission should be to get him to a P-Doc, insist that your husband lets you attend the session, and he must be absolutely truthful about his symptoms. You can get more counseling soon enough – I think a med evaluation and changes or additions are needed. Good luck to you.

  62. Does anyone think there’s a connection between being diagnosed with Bipolar/Manic Depression and being abused as a child/adult, either mentally, physically or otherwise?

    • I believe that if you are physically,mentally,emotionally or sexually abused or exposed to adult activities to early in your childhood it can have serious consequences by the time you hit puberty,there’s anger,sadness,extremely bad or wanting to be popular,be extravagant and do illegal petty crimes or do all 6.Why because you were probably neglected,emotionally,haven’t been taught any self worth(feeling worthless and the world would be a better place if you ad,nt been born),physically beaten like a punch bag or starved of food and attention,feeling unloved,or made to do adult sexual act’s that you feel you are responsible for but you weren’t WHY BECAUSE PEOPLE ARE NOT TAUGHT HOW TO BE PARENTS AND THEY SHOULD BE BEFORE EVEN CONSIDERING HAVING A CHILD,because I had my daughter at 16 because I just wanted to be loved unconditionally,and then 20 years down the road you become a alcoholic or drug addict because you have repeated the same bloody cycle you grew up in.Everyone gets depressed sometimes but you have to fight back if you don’t then you get bipolar disorder or manic depression.My mum is a manic depressive and it is because of a hormonal imbalance and chemical imbalance in her brain (salt-sodium).Yes she was a beaten wife but had problems before that.At the end of the day all I can say is that we are all physiologically messed up.

  63. I am not bipolar, but my mother has bipolar disorder. It is difficult for me to understand her, and I find that I upset her easily (which often leads her to having breakdowns) and I am worried for her health since she also has heart problems. Is there anything I can do to be a supportive daughter to her?

    • Nick
      As one of the few non-bipolar/borderline personality people in my family, I can relate. It is exhausting. One of the hardest parts is the contant walk on eggshells in hoping not to set off one of their episodes. I have bipolar 1 and 2, mixed types, borderlines, and even some psychosis in the family. There is depression episodes which sucks, but the worse part in my family is watching the destruction and damage caused during mania. At the drop of a pen, one could go into a bipolar rage (which is ugly to put it nicely). Then there is the mania that results in cheating, unsafe interactions, drunk driving, drugs, destroying property, abandonment, arrest or injury. Most of my sisters aren’t treated so this cycle is non-stop. When they are at a place of calm, I try to encourage treatment, but it takes so long to be seen by a psychiatrist, they usually cycle again and refuse help. Its a never ending battle and quite frankly, it a living hell. I have washed my hands of them a few times, then they pull me back in, because I love them. I have to remind myself often, if a tornado was coming, Wed be expected to take cover to avoid the path of destruction; so when they’re at the point of destruction and won’t listen to reason, we should be expected to take cover as well.
      Other people (the bipolar ones in my family at least) will judge us for taking cover from their destruction, as we are suppose to support them 100% of the time. But how can we be expected to maintain the little sanity we have left, if we are being mentally/emotionally/sometimes physically beaten down in our support? We can’t take care of others if we don’t take care of ourselves.

      Sorry to rant without a direct answer but that’s about the best I have. I research it all to the point of exhaustion to try to understand them and how to help them. We can acknowledge it and encourage help, but we can’t make them want it. In my family’s case, we have more with massive manias than deep depression, and they don’t want (or think they need) help when manic, so Windows of opportunity and acceptance are few and far between.
      I have gotten through a few times by writing it in a letter for them. If you speaking to her, puts her into that severe of depression, I’m not sure what else you can do. Tell her you love her and support her. Remind her you are there and are not judging her. Good luck.

      • T.J
        I read your post a few times. The world would be a far better place with more people with your empathy and compassion for people like us. Your words remind me of what My wife and son have to go through with me and stand by my side and support me. Thank you for your post. You are an inspiration to all of us.

  64. hi there
    ,, i can see im not alone —– millions of us having bipolar still we are lonely ….
    i been bipolar since i was 14.. im 17 now … im not suicidal and i dont take meds , i dont wanna feel like im on drugs and my family dont know im bipolar ,, probably wont ever know , thats my email down there i hope to recieve letters from whoever feels like sending me something ,, maybe sharing thoughts or whatever you feel like sending.

    thanks :)

    • I found out I was bipolar about the same age as you. 20 years later I am still bipolar. I am grateful for lithium. I don’t want to take meds either, but if that one works for you, take it! Try others, tell your family and friends you trust. You’ll need the support.

    • Hi to all,
      My heart goes out to all my bi-polar buddies out there. As I read all the replies, I realize that we are not alone and most of us have suffered and succeeded with our lives. I would like to reach out specifically to the younger audience. There’s nothing wrong with being bi-polar. It is hard, no doubt but you are perfect in your own way. BUT, get the help you need. Don’t fight this battle on your own. You don’t have to. If you can’t tell your family, there’s many professionals that can be there for you. I am in my late 40’s now and was diagnoses about 10 years ago. I suffered many years in silence. I never thought I could get help or relief. I just didn’t know that it was possible. Since being diagnosed, I have been on several different meds. All have been helpful in there own way. I resisted medications as well. But with time and trials it has worked. I can’t believe how my life has improved. How happy I am. I never thought it was possible. I still struggle…always will. But, I feel like I am in control now. I can anticipate better how I am and prepare better. I am able to help the people I love to understand and they have been incredibly supportive. Please…get the help you need. Lots of different kinds of treatments are available. Don’t suffer…It breaks my heart. We are all too valuable. Don’t miss out. Best of luck to you.

  65. I first felt hypomanic when I was 18 year old.I had just passed my 12th standard in India and I had taken admission in a University for Bachelor of Science.My family had acute Financial problem and our survival was very difficult.I remain in that condition for almost three months and then I was normal.I did not know this as a disease so I did not seek any medicine.
    It was a period when I was unusually very much enthusiastic.I had a lot of plans and very active with little sleep.I developed habit of writing short stories also and I was very much emotional.

  66. Belle, you are totally not alone in your thought processes!! I live that way also. I am 49 yrs old and have been ADHD as long as I can remember. I am Bi-polar also. I have tried so many meds but hate the side effects. So currently I am am trying to self medicate with natural herbal remedies. It’s only been 10 days so…..”we shall see” how this works out for me. My youngest son age 23 yrs suffers from this disorder as well and is on medication that seems to be working for him okay. He is so smart and talented! My other son has never shown any signs of being ADHA or Bi-Polar. I am equally proud of both of them.
    To me every day is like living in an alternate reality, if that makes any since…….

  67. Hi! I am glad to find this article. I am 46 years old and most of my adult life, my brain does not stop. I think WAY outside the box ALL THE TIME. My mind can switch in a moment to where some think over analyzing every situation I’m in. I’m trying to figure if I am Bipolar, have adhd or what exactly the issue is…..I worry, think, analyze, come up with solutions, my mind seems to go one million miles an hour about anything and everything. I can also (in my mind) say exactly what a person is going to say when they are saying it. I’m NOT crazy, trust me I’m not…..If anyone else can relate to me please talk to me. (I have a hard time with words and expressing myself)

    • Belle
      I have been doing this for decades.. Ruminating every day especially now over things that may never happen.. Almost always negative. Right now I am ruminating real bad about the future when I shouldn’t be This is constant and its really wearing me down… My brain is on overdrive

    • Belle
      I also forgot to mention that i finally went to a psych doctor. He said it is from anxiety and I had a bad case. Not to say that you have it but just to let you know that you may want to take a look at your actions and see if at these times you are under lots of stress and anxiety. I was due to childhood upbringing which changed my life to one og anxiety, ruminations, etc. I wish you peace

      • Michael, thank you SO very much. The description of your upbringing sounds a LOT like mine and yes, I do tend to go back to that as well. I do have horrible anxiety … I shall certainly take closer looks and write in my journal as to when this gets very bad. It truly amazes me that some people can be so calm in life when I myself KNOW that there is some what of an issue going on in my brain that’s so hard to detect. I really appreciate your reply to me. I’m sure you know at times you wished you could shut your brain down and just re-boot but I’m finding and especially since I’ve been to this site, that well, one like me, it doesn’t happen and I’m glad to finally be able to come to my senses and get the help that I truly need. I wish you peace as well :) Keep the faith.

    • Hi Belle:) my name is Heather. I too am so glad to have found this article because I feel it explains how I am feeling on a daily basis. I was diagnosed with bi-polar disorder a year ago and even though I’m on meds, every day is a struggle. I understand how you feel and how your mind is always racing. If you need to vent or just need someone to talk to feel free to write any time. Take care

    • You are absolutely not crazy. I am currently in the same boat. I have racing thoughts, constantly coming up with new ideas that i never follow through with, and I am always in my head over analyzing people, places, things. I’ve already been diagnosed with adhd, but now I’m looking to get evaluated for bipolar disorder due to other symptoms I have along with the ones I just listed. Others may think we’re crazy, but what we’re dealing with is a real disorder.

    • Hi Belle, I’m also very glad to find this website, just tonight actually. I’m the same age as you, and have, unfortunately been diagnosed with BPDO/Manic Depression. I’m on 1000mg of Pridel/Lithium and I, like most people on here overthink things. The only thing that seems to ‘free my brain’ right now is having a drink, not the best advice, I know, but not one Psychiatrist I’ve been to is able to ’empathise’ or give me any advice, other than ‘keep taking the tablets’. I’d love someone who is going/has been through this awful condition to suggest anything that would help and stop me like feeling a prisoner in my own head?! Thanks for reading.

  68. I originally was looking for an article about why others (the ones I love) perceive my actions/words differently than how I mean for them to be perceived. Or why I can’t communicate myself in the correct way to where they understand exactly what I mean, rather than getting frustrated with me. Instead, I stumbled on this article, where it explained a person with bipolar disorder’s thought process. That is my thought process. Due to being a psychology major, and reading books, and wanting to be in control; I am making improvements to have better control over my initial reaction, however it isn’t enough. Reading your response to one of the comments, you mentioned meds and therapy are necessary for one with bipolar disorder to live a real and healthy life with the ones they care for. I will be twenty-one is October, and that is a rough reality. I’m just tired of the people I care about thinking that I feel a certain way or how I communicate is too.. whatever. Either way I want to be understood, I want to stop driving the ones I care for away by how I act and how I say things, especially when how they are perceiving me isn’t how I feel or isn’t what I am trying to give off.

  69. Coming to this site made me feel a lttle better. At least for a min. Horrible day today. I went from 2 week manic episode to 2 week depressive episode till today when i got smacked in the face with mania again. I have faithfully been tak8ng my meds and felt somewhat normal so went back to work. Big mistake. The minute i started working again it all went to hell. All the therapy and enough lithium for 2 people and worse off than before. And i cant understand how people are putting up with me when i cant stand myself. Im seeing therapist weekly,and also pyschiatrist every other week. I am trusting them with my mind and body. Was just diagnosed feb 2015 during my first hospitalization after my first nervous breakdown. Also throw in severe anxiety, bipolar 1, and add on extreme paranoia, some adhd, and cant forget the anger&hostility, and the hallucinations. Its an awesome combo. Andbit goes from the moment i ope my eyes to the time i get to take my night meds. Not having short term memory is always fun too. I struggle every min of every day. It is exhausting. How much can you talk to your boyfriend, friends and family about how absolutely horrible your life is. I am pretty sure they dont want to hear it but i got it going on in my head always.. and the man or sometimes i call him my little devil is starting to dare me to do things. Not sure how much of this i can take.. thank god pyschiatrist tomorow and therapist friday. So if any one else feels like me you are not alone. Im here suffering too.

    • Josie – that’s one hell of a tough time you’re having – I don’t think I could handle all of that on my plate so you must be a hell-of-a strong person to be able to keep going. For what it’s worth, my thoughts are with you and I hope things start to improve soon. Hang in there, Josie.

  70. Wow?I finally found tis site! I tried to stop taling all my medicine and it has been just a week but my head feels full and I’m always stumbling! Am I going to be on medicine all my life?? Medically induced in order to be in society?? It has been 47 years of it!!

    • hi Connie,

      Glad you found this place :)

      In short: YES, you are going to need to be medicated for the rest of your life.
      Even after just 1 week of not taking your meds, you’ve noticed that your “head feels full and I’m always stumbling.”
      This is a clear sign that you need to go back onto your meds in order to return to a calm(er) state of mind and being.

      If you feel that your meds aren’t working correctly or need tweaking, then see your doctor / specialist.

      I’m not bipolar but what I am is a survivor: and from what I’ve read it’s clear to me that to survive life with bipolar you need to be medicated, attend regular psychotherapy sessions, develop good life-habits and have a forum / group where you can go to talk about the challenges that you (and your partner / loved ones) face and also to learn about other people’s challenges and solutions.

      There are no ‘ifs’ or ‘buts’ with this. There is more than enough feedback to suggest that if you don’t do these things, life with bipolar becomes very difficult – both for you and those around you. It’s your choice: integrate with society or have society exclude you.

      I know that much of what I say may seem easier said than done, especially as I haven’t had to walk your path. But as they say, in life you’re not judged by the situation you’re in but by how you deal with it. Nobody can judge you for being bipolar but people will respect and admire you if you deal with it well by developing and maintaining good habits. It sounds like you’ve been doing that for 47 years so don’t let that all go to waste.

      Good luck Connie :)

      • I found this helpful article that Natasha has kindly written – I would trust that Natasha’s statements are supported by LOTS of research and FACTS. I hope this helps give you the clarity you’re looking for.

  71. You didn’t screw up at all! You brought it out! But it sounds like that’s all that can happen. We can’t make things go the way we want I have found when those we want or love aren’t fitted to embrace and recognize that. It’s a heartbreaker. Sounds like you did better than I did, which is why I came here looking for answers and to share experiences.

  72. Need some help. I have been treading lightly with my ex boyfriend. he is bipolar and takes his meds faithfully. Then one day he said, been thinking about it, I was wrong, don’t love you. He Has the following symptoms- rapid and pressured speech, losing weight, slight paranoia,disassociation,new relationship with a married woman, quick to anger. It has been 3 months and I thought he was coming out of it. Today I mentioned bipolar as the reason he broke up with me and that I was worried he was in a mild manic state. He jumped down my throat and told me he had only had one manic episode in which he was committed. Said he had none in the last nine years. I know this is possible but I really feel he is manic right now. Did I screw up?

    • Tammy,
      First I want to give you a quick background on myself, that way you feel comfortable believing my opinion could be valid. I apparently am just meant have people with bi-polar in my life. Let me start with my mother. She has Bipolar, I “hated her until I was an adult in my early twenties because of all the erratic and crazy stuff she did (please keep in mind I’m writing what I used to think of her). It got worse over the years when she would take all the money and go on spending sprees, buy stuff that we didn’t need and not have money for bills. Then she was in and out of psychiatric hospitals for 3 for trying to kill herself all the time…..I could go on and on but I’m not. I didn’t start seeing and understanding bipolar until I was in my first relationship (more than just dating). She was bipolar also but wasn’t diagnosed yet. After about a year into the relationship I started noticing similarities in her and my mother. I had also started therapy around that time to get over my issues for being abused. The abuse wasn’t from my mother, it was from her husband of 11 years. But because it dipped into my past my mother was brought up and So after a while the therapy sessions were about my hate and anger for her. I ended up learning a lot about bipolar from my therapist and then I started researching it because I believed my Girlfriend had it. So, after a year of therapy and research, being raised by someone who it and 2 years into my First relationship, I decided to approach my Girlfriend with the idea that maybe she had bipolar. She didn’t flip out like I thought, she was actually happy that there might be a reason behind her madness and even better… meds and therapy. So long story short she was diagnosed. After 4 more years of cheating and her addictions I just absolutely had to move on. I know I had done all I could for her after 6 years. 2 years after that I was in a very healthy and happy 4 year relationship. It ended though because we weren’t in the right path in life at that time. 3 years after that (which was a year ago), I met and actually FELL in REAL love with someone I believe is my one true love. Its been a tough year though. We were friends for a little while before we got into a relationship but not long enough to know she was married. Anyway, we moved into together and I fell head over heels, but within 2 months things started to change. She started lying, or I maybe just started noticing. Either way it went from bad to worse. We started having arguments here and there because I was catching her in small lies. The lies got bigger and the arguments got bigger. So after 4 months of being together she left for the weekend to “cool off” and stay at her parents. Well I later found out that she was going back to her horrible, aweful, abusive, manipulative, severe narcissistic husband. That she was getting a divorce from and who she said she hated with every fiber and she would rather die then spend another minute with! She did this 5 times in a 3 month period. Anyway, this wasn’t why I believed she was bipolar it was just 1 of the reasons. Many other reasons starting piling up that was way too familiar. I saw it in my mom and my Ex-Ex. I told her I believed she had bipolar. She was in complete denial and was angry at me saying that I believed everyone had bipolar. For awhile I thought she was right! So, I pretty much just started giving up and letting go thinking that even if she did have it, I wasn’t the “one” for her and I wasn’t worth the fuss over getting diagnosed. But just as I was maybe a day away from turning my back and never coming back, she announced that she wanted to get better. She was starting to recognize the patterns that I was trying to point out to her. She stopped going back to her husband, the divorce went through, she started treating me better and started therapy. But that only lasted a month (the therapy did, everything else was good), she said that she didn’t have time and didn’t like the therapist. Well, then she got severely depressed after a little while and tried to kill herself. She was comitted into a psychiatric hospital. I spoke to her Psychiatrists who then mentioned it to her and did their diagnostic test with her. They diagnosed her with bipolar and started her on meds. But that was short lived. After a week of being home she stopped the meds and try to kill herself again. Same thing happened except she stayed longer that time and was much more accepting and happy about starting meds. So it’s been 3 months and she has met with another psychiatrist that also diagnosed her with bipolar, she has been taking her meds, hasn’t missed 1 dose, has been going to therapy and is applying to everyday life and is very happy and more enthusiastic about everything. I see all of this too, I see how happy she is, how her moods aren’t So up and down or unpredictable but most of all how much of her love I feel again just like the first 2 months we were together. Now, yes it has only been 3 months since her change and I am all too familiar with the fact that it could change by her cycling again… But I am staying positive for her. I also am madly and deeply in love when I never even believed in TRUE love. So, I can’t help but stay positive! Plus if it does turn out that I am not the one for her, I will still be happy enough knowing that I have been here for her through the worst of times!
      So anyway, here’s my opinion. Without knowing him as a person it’s hard to go off of with the little detail you give if he’s having a manic episode. If you have been with him a long time (and not 3 months) then I would say you know him well enough to say wether this is out of the norm for him. If so, then yes, I do believe he is having a manic episode. You named all the classic symptoms of a mania. Now if it’s him who left you to be with another woman (married or not), don’t be surprised if he was sleeping with her before he left you. Although not all people with bipolar cheat, many in a manic state do. I won’t go on and on about but you can just look it up and research it online. Leaving you to be with another also isn’t unheard of, people in mania do irrational and impulsive things. Depending on his type of bipolar his mania can last for days to weeks to months! If he is/was manic and you implied that he might be manic, that would absolutely make him jump down your throat! In my experience (which you read, was pretty much my whole life), people in a mania get very defensive about it mostly because they don’t realize they are even in a mania! Please believe me when I say, you did NOT screw up! It just shows that you love and or care about him. Because if you didn’t feel either you wouldn’t have been so patient or understanding, beck you wouldn’t have even factored in his bipolar! So yes, I believe he is in a mania, no you didn’t screw up, you care….but remember that even though it could be his mania and he’s making impulsive decisions, it’s still HIS decisions!

      • Hi Dee
        Thanks for your comments. I have know this man for about 37 years but only as friends but I do know alot of his history. There has been alot of affairs and basically sexual behavior that showed poor judgement, so I did not go into this with my eyes closed. He is a sweet, kind man and I truly believe that he believes he has not had a episode in 9 years. However due to my late father-in-law having bipolar, I have done a lot of research because I needed to be educated in case this affected my children. I knew Jack was bipolar before he ever told me. Even if we never get back together I worry about him because I know he longs for a lasting relationship, he fears growing old alone. I just want to help him find some happiness.

        • hi Tammy,

          I’m just gong to focus on your last sentence: you can’t live his life for him and it’s not up to you to find happiness for him. Not only is it outside of your control but you are in no position to decide what ‘happiness’ is for him. Only Jack can take ownership and responsibility for finding his own happiness.

          Instead, I’d suggest that you focus on your own happiness. Learn to be happy and comfortable with yourself, by yourself. Then you’ll be ready for someone else who’s at the same stage in life. Otherwise you’ll simply be looking for the other person to ‘complete’ you … which puts too much pressure on the other person, especially if they have a mental disorder.

          Good luck.


          • Hi David, I realize that I am not responsible for Jacks happiness nor can I make him happy. However I feel that he has no support system and feels that all he has to do to control his bipolar is to take a pill everyday. As much as I love this man and wish to be with him, most of all I want him to understand that he needs to learn more about being bipolar and that there are different levels of being manic. His first and according to him only mania had him paranoid, delusional and psychotic due to the fact he was being treated for depression, not bipolar. He believes this is what a manic period is like. When I ask him to explain how he went from being sweet, loving, and so thankful I was in his life to telling me he was wrong, he did not love me in a weeks time, he tells me that people change all the time for no reason. This man made me realize how horrible a life I was living and I was so grateful to him. Even if we never get back together, I want him to have a chance to have a lasting relationship. I love him that much. So if anyone has any ideas on how to convince your heart not to love someone anymore, that would much be appreciated.

            • hi Tammy,

              I get what you’re going through – and I know I’m not the only one here who has had to learn how to deal with the turmoil and the conflict between logic and emotion.

              The logical side makes it appear easier for us to see the bipolar traits that the other person is demonstrating, the reason why they are behaving that way, how we think they ‘should’ be behaving and also the futility of it all / low chances of things getting easier.

              But the emotional side of our brains says that there is still a part of them that we were once / are still head over heels in love with.

              However there does seem to be an overwhelming amount of anecdotal evidence to suggest that there is a huge chance that the bipolar person will find it hard to control their emotional urges and that he will most likely run off again later. In fact, things generally seem to get worse unless the person is on top of managing their situation and has the support of a good partner.

              In my case, my ex didn’t have any affairs or do anything destructive: so I have no reason to not still be in-love with her. But in your case, you mentioned that there have been affairs etc., … – I would imagine that would be enough to make you stop loving him?

              But before he can have a lasting, loving relationship, he needs to get on top of his condition.

              And I think that’s maybe why so many people say that the best you can do for a bipolar person is be their friend and not try to be a partner.

              I wonder if perhaps the best thing you can do is point him in the direction of this place so that he can read about other people’s experiences and maybe then he’ll recognise some similarities to his own situation. Hopefully this will also help him to realise that perhaps it’s worth checking his medication is correct. And it will remove the aspect of any friction between the two of you as you will no-longer be the one telling him.

              It’s hard. But on the plus side, while we find it hard to let go of the person we love so much, when we finally meet someone who makes us forget about our ex, my god they’ll be bloody fantastic!!!! :)

  73. Hello everyone. I stumbled across this site while browsing the interwebz and have found both positive and infuriating comments. I’m a little late to the conversation so I’ll try to catch up.

    I’m 43, diagnosed rapid-cycling bipolar I in 2000; the onset was when I was 12. It was probably triggered by puberty and abuse. I endured severe depression for a long period during which my mother told me that I was the emotional barometer for our family; I had to be happy so everyone else would be. I learned to fake it.

    When I was 19 I had my first child and married his father when I was 20. I had my daughter later that year. The marriage was a huge mistake; he was mentally and verbally abusive and I finally gave up and left him in 2000 or 2001 after [against his permission] I went to my psychiatrist and was diagnosed.

    I remarried in 2003; neither husband believed in psychiatry and the second one told me that I was using my diagnosis as permission to do as I pleased. Both of them accused me of cheating with everyone I talked to, but the first one was partially right. I did have two affairs, both due to mild mania and because I felt unloved and unworthy [situational, not chemical].

    During my second divorce which was the result of HIS affair, my ex mentally and verbally abused me. I truly believe he was trying to force me to commit suicide so he and his girlfriend [now wife] would get tens of thousands of dollars in life insurance.

    I am on my third marriage, to a man who supports me and understands my diagnosis. I am medically retired from a really good job where I busted my butt all day every day. I’ve had a very good life since my divorces. I no longer have severe moods [although I do have swings even medicated]. I’m on lithium, Lamictal, klonapin, Zoloft, and Wellbutrin. My doctor is intending to wean me to just Lamictal.

    I say all of this in part to give hope to those who don’t think it can get better. Mental illness needs to be destygmatized; until it is, people like us will be less likely to get the help we need. With proper treatment we can all live [fairly] normal lives… or maybe I should say typical lives, as for us our minds ARE normal.

    I read a comment by a lady named Janika whose boyfriend kept pulling away, leaving her, then returning after a while. I used to do that to my current husband when we were first together. Three years in a row during the spring, I booted him from my house and refused his phone calls. I left him in tears and didn’t care, and I was medicated at the time. I was becoming obsessed with other men, mostly those I worked with. That’s for James Garrett, who told her that such behavior was not part of bipolar disorder; it most certainly was a factor in mine.

    I got in trouble at work due to a severely manic swing that lasted several weeks [unusual for me, I usually transition in minutes or hours]. I was being overtly sexual and caused a problem between one coworker and his wife. There were days I would stand in my case with unsolicited tears rolling down my face, and I lived with migraines. All of this was most likely caused by a seratonin imbalance.

    Seratonin can’t be duplicated, increased, or reduced, but its effects can be mitigated with medication [hence why I’m on so many]. Brain chemistry is intricate and so far unexplainable. It’s currently unknown HOW psychiatric medications worked, it’s just known that they do… and some anticonvulsives work off-label for some symptoms.

    Using the combination of drugs that I’m now on, I have completely avoided any severe moods for at least five years. I no longer think about suicide. I no longer obsess on people [although I do on cars, houses, jewelry, TV shows, etc]. It just took ten years to get to this point.

    For Andrew, there are at least five lobes of behavior/thinking in bipolar disorder: mania, depression, paranoia, anxiety, and rage. I’m sure there are at least two more, but I don’t recall what they are at the moment. Saying that anger isn’t part of bipolar disorder is a fallacy; it’s just not part of YOUR disorder.

    For Laura, whose friends don’t understand her, take them to the doctor with you. Your psychiatrist wants your friends and family to be involved in your care; even when you don’t know you’re cycling, someone who knows you well will probably see it. I have taken all three of my husbands to meet my doctor but only the current one took anything away from the session.

    To all of you, much love and hope. We can survive this, all of us. We just need the proper medication and the proper motivation. Tell your doctor everything [and I do mean EVERYTHING] because you don’t know what will prompt a different test or medication that ultimately helps you. My doctor knows about my infidelity, my poor opinion of myself, my kids’ accomplishments and issues, and the fact that I dissociate.

    The last is a sensation of “stepping out” of my body, watching what happens around me as though through a lens or on a television. Events unfold around me without any ability to affect them; I am subjected to the whims of my mind and my circumstances. My doctor diagnosed them as dissociation, I had just been calling them “fugue states”. He knows that I “lose time” in crowds and stores, not remembering anything about being there and wandering for hours. It’s anxiety.

    He knows about my claustrophobia, my agoraphobia, my fear of heights and speeds, and my dislike of most small children [sorry, I can’t handle whining and crying any more]. He either medicates me for these or refers me to a therapist. This is wonderful, because I can’t really make solid decisions about stuff like that; like most bipolars, I tend to believe in my own perceptions of my mental health. I rarely go off my medications, however, no matter how good I feel. I would never voluntarily see a psychologist [not because there’s anything wrong with it, but because I tend to feel I don’t need it].

    Okay, it’s well past my bedtime and I’ve rambled on long enough. I hope some of what I’ve said speaks to some of you. I want to remind you all that you are covered under the Americans with Disabilities Act and most likely qualify for FMLA. Take care of yourselves, and that includes making sure you keep your job. To good mental health!

  74. I have been with my boyfriend for almost 5 years now… It’s been so difficult because he still refuses to admit he is bipolar that he needs to get help, I walk on eggshells being around him I never know what mood he is in, we have a 3 years old daughter together and I have two older daughters of my own, my daughters preferred being at my parents house then lived with us because of all the arguments and fighting, mind you we live in the same complex, he can’t hold a job for more than 90 days but can always find work good jobs good playing jobs but always seems to lose them, I can’t count on him financially he gets great checks and goes on outrages shopping sprees, drunken nights, and then can’t remember what he did where he spent it all, recently quit his job out of blue and moving back to his hometown left Friday. With all his things and return on Monday he change his mind. then there are the sleepless nights, paranoid, cleaning all night and organizing it’s gets so weird, he fine one day but then can become a screaming monster punching holes and breaking things I had to called cops numerous times but he changes into a calm relax person when they arrive, I have become his caregiver instead of a mate, there is no love anymore because I am so depress how can I get him to open his eyes realize he has a serious problem, the episodes and outbursts are every other day now and it’s just getting worst, i pray for God to get him to get help because I hate living this life, I reached out to his family and no one wants to deal with this, I did not know when we first met he was homeless, or had more children, with different women that don’t want anything to do with him, they obviously knew what I didn’t, it wasn’t as bad as it been the last year, I even went to MMHRA to get a court order evaultion and they took him and was back the next day that he was fine he said??? Really who were those doctors really frustrating so you can imagine how it was when he returned he stays here because he has no where to go no one wants to be around him because of his outrages and when he drinks it’s worst how can I help I feel like the enabler since I almost let him stay I feel sorry for him because deep down he hurting and his mind not ok….

  75. I’ve been with my husband for 13 yrs and we have 3 children ages; 8,9 &11. Our whole life together has been an endless cycle of therapists and counselors because we’ve had so much damage in our marriage due to him being “depressed” and acting out horribly with me. I literally sometimes have to look around to see who he is flipping out over because he surly isn’t talking to me! I’ve poured out my life to help him, to see the positive, to not feel guilty but to move on. I’ve been his cheerleader and encourager yet in these moments all he hears is hatred. He always thinks I’m against him, that I hate him or what he does no matter how much I tell him otherwise. He would freak out every coupe of weeks on me. He’d call me names, push his chest into me like a bully, he’d be hostile and hurtful. He’d always say things he knows hurts me the most. Then he runs away to sulk, have self-pity, leaving me for dead. Well, finally we sent him to the doctor to get Anti-depressants a few months ago… we appeared to work but for like a month or so, then he started flipping out again. He has missed a couple of pills twice now and he goes on a rampage. This hurts us so deeply and its done a lot of wear and tear mentally, physically, emotionally. My children are scared of him and do not trust him. When he is in a normal state….he is AMAZING! He is the most genuine, sweet, kind, loving, romantic, helpful and considerate person and in his bad state, I swear he hates me and could kill me. I love this man so much and believe in him fully…but I do not know how long we can endure this heart break and trauma every time he goes into an episode. This last episode he literally doesn’t think he did anything hurtful even though his whole family is scared of him….he seems oblivious and even blames me. I’m now looking into bi-polar in hopes that maybe this could be an answer to get help. I want my marriage and healthy children but I don’t no how long we can make it….we are being ground to dust while trying to help him.

    • Lisa,
      I experienced a very similar situation with my ex bf. He didn’t tell me he was bipolar until 3.5 yrs into the relationship. He took himself off his meds shortly after we started dating and that’s probably when things started to get crazy. The name calling…accusations…episodes…I knew something was right but I didnt know much about the condition. So after he told me he was bipolar, I thought I would give him a chance cuz he went back on meds. Unfortunately, that was another waste of my time. He never took them regularly and didnt think it was a big deal if he missed a pill. He continued to drink and do drugs and I feel like the pills never even had a chance to try to work with all the substances he is polluting himself with. The Dr gave him anti depression meds…those end up going up his nose. I’ve interacted with him since we broke up and at first I thought he was better. The more I talked to him, the more I realized that was not the case. He is messed up all the time on God knows what and he still has the warped mindset that I am only out to get him. The point of my reply is not to be surprised if meds dont do what you hope. It still makes me sad that things didnt work out, but there wasnt anything else I feel i could have done. Do it was time to walk away. There is alot of relief not having that dark cloud hanging over me when I tend to be a more positive person. Good luck and I hope you find peace in whatever you decide.

  76. I have been married to a man with Bipolar for 8 years now. I have nurtured him and have always been able to see the wonderful man he was underneath all of the negativity but………now I am taking care of my mother that is homebound and all he can think about is the fact that he is left to do most of the chores at home. I work 40 hours a week at a local hospital as well. My mother lives 20 minutes from me. My father passed 1 and a half years ago so it has mainly been just me. My sister assists but is not really into helping. My mother is staying with us for a week while work is completed at her home and he is the one that insisted she come. NOW, even though he is retired he says he gets no help from me (i do laundry, cook, dishes, dusting, etc but it is never enough. I really love this man but I am not sure that I can do this. This is my second marriage as my first husband died of cancer. I am writing today because my husband informed me this morning that I was putting too much pressure on him talking about the possibility of taking my grandchild on vacation in the next few years. So now I guess I am not even allowed to dream. I just don’t know how long I can live this way.

  77. I have fallen in love with a bipolar man that I have known since we were teenagers. He is the sweetest, loving man I have ever been with and has helped me with situations in my life that I was afraid to face. Now after 3 months together ,plans for the future, he has told me he needs space to see how a relationship with his first love from childhood will work out. He tells me he is pretty sure she is going to dump him but this is something he has to do and if I want a chance to be in his life I need to back off and give him his space. I am so hurt and it seems he is oblivious to the pain he is causing me. He acts like this is perfectly normal behavior . At first I have tried texting and he will be like his old self and then the next day right back to me giving him his space. I have decided to have no contact and hope he comes back to me. I miss and love him so much. I’m just afraid I am not doing the right thing’

    • hi Tammy,

      it sounds like he has been in or at least considering another relationship at the same time as being with you?

      Certainly, you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is not clear in their mind that they want to be with you. I notice you say that he is pretty sure she will dump him: he is not manning up and taking responsibility for making his own decisions. It is not up to his ‘childhood love’ to decide whether or not your relationship has a chance of working. I suspect he is just keeping you on a hook as a fall-back option in case Relationship A falls through.

      Is that the sort of person you want in your life?

      Remember: bi-polar is not an excuse for being a bad person or partner. I can understand how people might want to support their partner while they go through the depressive states etc., … but I don’t believe in supporting them to treat you poorly.

      Personally, I wouldn’t make any more effort with this guy. Let him know your standards. A good relationship doesn’t encounter this sort of strife after just 3 months. Trust me, there are plenty more fish in the sea.

    • I have been battling over a similar situation, after a year with what I felt was the most wonderful person, that I had history with many years before. Same thing, wonderful one week then poof! Needs space or wham! Suddenly someone else is involved and I’m left behind while they do what they say is right for them. In the bigger picture though, I saw her make one bad decision after another in her life, and have come to the conclusion that she is not able to make healthy choices about anything really, so if I wait it out and she comes back, what kind of loving relationship could I possibly expect, if she is unable to fully be a part of it? I worry about her and want to help but become more bitter every day, as I reason with myself that it is not her entirely, but the bipolar aspect that has hurt me, and would hurt me again if I let it. You don’t want to continue a repetitive cycle with them of anguish and neither do I. It’s the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but perhaps these two people we love are better off without us, as in the long run, we may not be the only ones that have suffered over this. And perhaps this is just how they are, regardless…

      • Rob, I certainly hope not. The man I love is the most loving person and is totally is out of character to hurt me. I know we had only been together for 3 months but we have a long history of knowing each other. I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. He has been very good at managing his bipolar but has had several stressful situations lately. I have to take a chance. Maybe a year in I will feel the same way you do. Good luck to us both!

        • I admire your courage! And I am very thankful to Natasha and all the wonderful people here who have helped me get some perspective, and answers to personal questions and even doubts about myself. I’m still halfway out on what to do, and also want to give it another shot, just not sure I can. I felt bad about that, and even thought at one point that it would be horrible of me to leave someone who I thought I could be good for, but everyone has to make up their own mind about life, mine, hers, everyone here, regardless of being bipolar or not, and one person said elsewhere here about being good person no matter what. Good luck to you, I truly hope everything goes well! Thank you!

      • I think you’re right Rob – there’s a high risk that regardless of how YOU may change your approach and how accommodating, patient and forgiving you may be, who knows how the bipolar party will behave?

        Will they respect, admire and return your loyalty and support or will they simply walk all over it and keep doing the same thing time and time again?

        I don’t think that my partner was ever unfaithful to me but certainly she seemed to have difficulty making the right decision and sticking to things. As she put it, she had The Quitting Gene. I don’t know if this is a bipolar thing or if it was just the way she was.

        Tammy – if you do give this another go, the only advice I can give you is what I have concluded that I SHOULD have done:

        1/ get your partner to acknowledge that they have a problem, that they want to address it and that they want to own the responsibility for that.
        2/ they will have to commit to sticking to the programme of meds, psychotherapy and including you in support groups
        3/ do not take their behaviour personally and realise that bipolar skews their view or ability to do the right things (I’m not just talking about the sexual infidelity here, I also mean things like doing their chores and following through on things that will improve their / your lives)
        4/ discuss and identify with them their cycles, triggers (usually stress and alcohol) and warning signs
        5/ have a ‘safe word’ to them know that you both need to go see the psychotherapist to get their opinion as to whether or not they are about to enter a new phase in their cycle
        6/ do NOT put all of your earnings / savings into a joint bank account: safeguard your money and belongings
        7/ as a precaution, have a pre-nup that states that if they have an affair, they get nothing

        It sounds like a lot of rules but I think they’re necessary so that you can focus on your relationship which should be about injecting fun and love into each other with support when it’s required :)

        Good Luck!

        • Wow! Thank you David! You really made a lot of sense! I’ve thought a lot about things and your words just verify the thought that no matter how I feel, if she were to come around again, I need to let her know exactly how I feel and what I think, and if that backfires and ends it all so be it, at least I spoke up and maybe just maybe, she will consider that she needs more help than she is willing to accept. And as a matter of fact, as I am in contact with her every day still, and she seems oblivious to what has happened, I think I will just go ahead and bite the bullet and tell her anyway. Maybe it will help her, maybe not. But I feel that everyone around her, friends, family, even doctors, have been pussyfooting around her for years, excusing her because of her condition, as she simply has learned to say “I screwed up again” with little to no consequence, and not revealing everything to her therapist, who can only go on what he is told by her to help her. She may get angry and resent me forever, but eventually someone has to say it, and maybe just maybe that might help steer her in a direction that could be positive. I don’t know if that is common that people close by don’t stand up and say something, or not try to help more no matter how much it may hurt, but it sure feels like it!

          • sorry gents – I’m getting confused with my “Robs” and “Roberts!” :)

            Robert – a couple of things that have crossed my mind during the endless inner-reflection are:

            1/ in her mind, she most likely TRULY BELIEVES that YOU are the one at fault and that you have issues that are too hard for her to work with. So please bear in mind that she’s possibly completely unaware of the need for her to change.

            2/ I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re right re. everyone around her being too scared to say anything. I have encountered the same thing with my ex’s family. On one hand, her mother is not the best person to take relationship advice from so is probably quite happy to encourage her daughter to just dispose of our relationship rather than work on it. On the other hand, her father seems too scared to say anything in case it alienates him from his daughter. So either way, she’s not getting the strong direction and life-coaching that she needs. And without anyone else giving that direction and healthy contention / challenge YOU will become the only source of angst in her life. So you’re buggered either way: say nothing to avoid the angst and simply enable her to continue the way she is or speak up and become the focus of her resentment.

            Rob – I think that all you can do with any plans for a long-term relationship with someone who is bipolar is accept that they will go through these cycles and ‘flights of fancy.’ As long as you can handle that (i.e. there’s no infidelity, she’s not spending all your savings or mentally damaging the children) then I think you just accept it for what it is and enjoy the beautiful moments that you have together.

            This is probably going to sound derogatory but it’s certainly not meant to be – it’s just my poor way of trying to explain my view of the sense of acceptance: the thing is, we all learned as kids that procrastinating and using ‘creating a study timetable’ instead of simply knuckling down and studying is a false sense of security and doesn’t get you the best marks in the exam. The same probably goes with the whole ‘recreating herself.’ Now think back – how many kids listened to their parents when they were told that they were just procrastinating? I think the skill is in working out how to communicate with your partner in a way that strikes home and in a way that she will listen to with an open heart and mind. And remember: the problem you’re dealing with is that she is driven by overwhelming emotions so trying to use logic with her might not have a high chance of working.

            That said, my ex was amazingly intelligent and honest and could handle the logic. I THINK she just got frustrated with not being able to apply it and eventually said she was tired of pretending when I THINK that she really was just overwhelmed by the frustration and guilt of not being able to follow through on her changes. Just bear in mind that there’s possibly a lot of frustration in it for her too.

            Being the people we are, we’re full of compassion and seek understanding: we can’t just turn our backs, say they’re nuts and walk away. It’s a crap condition all round.

            But I’d love to hear from people who have managed to make it work. That insight would be far more valuable than my meanderings.

            • Thanks again David! A LOT of that rings true, and her blaming me is an interesting thought I hadn’t thought of in that way. Perhaps the pressure she speaks of which causes her flight is a part of that, just not defined into words. I’m going ahead and will work with her from a distance. I haven’t outright confronted her with anything because I think that would alienate her for sure and that’d be it. It’s like walking around a coiled rattlesnake on a hiking trail, as I don’t want to get bitten but I still want to get to the top of the hill. I’m actually at the point where the romantic interest is gone but the friendship remains, a bit tattered but still there, with a lot of caring and feelings. I’ll just see what happens and post here the good, the bad, or the ugly so other people can see what progress there is, just as I have seen here many things that have helped me deal with everything and go on with my life.

        • Before I go to sleep, I’ve had a thought on many occasions lately and please bare with me if you don’t mind. I see what I believe to be a kind of mania going on, which the first time a year ago I didm;t think about, then again five months ago, took for granted I guess, where she is pushing aside all the things she wanted to do to improve her life and simply try to reinvent herself yet again, but twice I have seen that overwhelm her and lead to great anxiety, like it’s simply too much to deal with, and that ends up in deep depression, when expectation turns to reality, and the extreme highs countered by the extreme lows leads to a fight or flight mode, where she always flees. The thing I think about is that there must be a place in her that pushes back al those highs and all the lows as she moves into the next cycle of her life, and I wonder if by putting aside all that emotion and the guilt and remorse of the things that she has eliminated may cause some kind of vicious circle, leading to yet another mania/anxiety/depression/flight mode, if that makes sense.

  78. Thanks for the article. So hard to find good words on the topic. So much stigma. More than anything but contagious diseases, I think. I wish I had a more uplifting comment, but here’s my take, as a now middle age man with bipolar: women are attracted to confidence, something I had a bit of years ago. I am referring to the sustainable outward face of stability, strength, safety, that women never fail to mention. I am NOT a wild panicky guy, and I have a very charming and friendly, even comedic, disposition, but those few times, over the years, that I have begun a fledgling romantic relationship, it does not take long before the uncertainty and scatterbrained condition of my mind, comes to the fore one way or another, and they head for the hills. It has gone down many ways,whether straight up dumped, to slowly pulling away to be nice, but I always know. And now, after all of those heartbreaks and misfires, I am programmed like Pavlov’s dogs. It’s almost like PTSD. I see the prize, the dream of relating closely with another human being after so many years of being used and alone, and like a self-fulfilling prophecy, I crumble and stumble and act too aloof so as not to look needy, or too attentive so as not to seem cold, and she gets wierded out and that is that. I think quite a lot of men can love bipolar women, and maybe some women can stick with a man they ALREADY love, if they find out he is bipolar, but it would take a very special woman indeed, to see passed the struggler and see the warrior underneath. I’d sure love to meet a woman who would look at it and not blink. As it is, quite frankly, all I see is flight at the first sign of weakness.

    • I have to disagree with you on a few points. Men can’t love a bipolar woman. We’re “too stressful,” “too crazy,” and “too demanding” to be loved. We’re nothing more than toys, to be used at a whim and ditched when someone more stable comes along.

      My above statement is all-encompassing. Obviously, based upon the statements of men above yours, there ARE men out there who can love a bipolar woman. You insist that women don’t love bipolar men, in an all-encompassing statement that makes women sound like a little weakness in a man is a terrible thing. I understand where you’re coming from, very completely, however I also know that your own ideas on “all women” are just as dangerous for you as mine regarding “all men.” Luckily, you’ve caught me on a rare good day, so I’m going to say something I would never normally say.

      It’s not fair. It’s really f*%king hard. But not all women run. Just as not all men are slime-ball sacks of sperm looking for crazy chicks to screw in secret until someone better looking/ less crazy/ more intelligent comes along. I’m not going to tell you to keep up the hope and all that bullshit. I’m just going to tell you to let the day roll on by. Let life do its thing. Try to focus on yourself, not on someone else bringing what you need. And trust me, I know how ridiculously difficult that is, and how the mind can obsess on that love you don’t have. Been there, done that, cried until 3am the night before last over it myself. Just remember you’re not the only one, and us women aren’t your enemy. We’re all just as broken and hurt as you, and there are plenty out there who could handle your pain.

  79. Yes an excellent article, indeed. I’m learning about Bipolar after my mothers recent diagnosis. Im not struggling to cope any more than she is. But in my naivety I will as the question, how do I distract my mother from the obsessive thoughts? Is there a way?

    Many thanks.

    • how do I distract my mother…..
      I know what i say will not be good to hear.
      You should not distract your mother. You should allow her to have her life- with bipolar.
      What you really need to have …. are boundaries. So that you can have a resemblance of a life.
      What you are doing, at this moment, and want to engage in, is called co-dependency.
      Nothing good comes out of co-dependency. Only a lot of damage.
      Best wishes.

  80. This is an excellent article. I have all of these kinds of thoughts. I’m always working to stay balanced and calm my mind. It takes a lot of effort. Medication helps, but I also do a lot of other things to help like exercise, minimize alcohol and caffeine, meditate, eat healthy food, reduce stress, and pray. I even used hypnotherapy mp3’s to relax and focus my mind.

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  82. I totally appreciate your words about how one thinks. And Janika, I hear you! There is someone in my life for the last year that is so dear to me, yet every four months things seem to fall apart, a decision is made by them that she must go and do what is “right” for her, yet she does nothing, misses me, and comes back. I know that each of us share so much for the other but I am going through another period where she is gone, and I try to come to terms with the question of “is any of what we shared actually REAL?” And what do I do when she comes back again? I want to love and support her but am just not sure how to do that without going through so much emotional pain that one day I will be the one to leave, but I can’t fathom myself doing that. Someone here said it’s a roller coaster ride, and it’s true, but it scares me. I am thankful that I found this blog though because war stories or not, we are not alone.

  83. Exactly! I try to remember that my thoughts are extreme but it isn’t always easy and wondering whether or not your thought pattern is ‘correct’ isn’t usually the first thing I consider. I’m always called ‘dramatic’ because of my reactions and thoughts but, unfortunately, that is what my brain does. The worst outcome will always happen. I agree – I’m sorry is a standard in my vocabulary because if I’m thinking the worst, so must everyone else!

    • Typically if I am not stable (meds out of whack) — I am all or nothing thinking, either don’t care or it’s the end of the world, no sense of balance. It is really as easy as that — rational vs. irrational, emotional vs. non emotional — they say in the middle is you “wise” mind, and that is where balance occurs, between meds, therapy, support groups, non-toxic friends, uplifting conversations one can find that “wise” mind. That is all I got.

  84. This article describes EXACTLY how my brain works, and I have just been diagnosed for the first time with bipolar disorder (specifically cyclothymia) last week at the age of 27. I have suffered for years…almost my entire life. My first symptoms began when I was about 8 or 9, I don’t remember exactly. I was in and out of therapy for most of my childhood and parts of my adolescence and my first diagnosis was adjustment disorder with depressed mood, which changed to a diagnosis of Dysthymia at age 19. My symptoms have only worsened since then and now everything makes sense to me. I detest my obsessive though patterns, always have. I find it to be mentally exhausting.

  85. I need advice. Is it possible that a bipolar man suddenly totally changes their thinking and behavior to a partner. He repeats this pattern of behavior in certain months or periods. For example, one day he loves me and enyos the time with me, but than he slowly withdraw from me, and starst thinking he cant feel the real thing for me, cant see the future annymore and breaks up. Than after few days he comes back, all in love again.
    He did it now for 4x time in a 1,3 years. He is not on medications now, but is a bit down -1 he sais.

    I got him thinking, that tis is a bipolar problem, that he has this feelings changing towards me, when he comes in a place when he is sick and tired of his monotonous work and life. He wants to feel life more fully, passionately, and thinks that I cant give that to him, and than he feels not happy. He cant think rationally in such a time, but only irrationally. And than after 5 days he is the rationally thinking man again, and comes back all in love to me.

    So is this theory correct? Or is he yust not in love wiht me?

    • Something is unclear to me. Has this person been diagnosed with BPD? Was he on medication for it before? Has he seen a therapist, and is he seeing one now?

      If he thinks he might have BPD, he should make an appointment with a therapist. If you think so, you should suggest it to him. What you’ve described are not symptoms of BPD. If he’s a “man” and “partner” he’s at least late 20s, which is kind of past the age a first severe manic or depressive episode would occur. Also, if he’s returning to you “after a few days” that would be a severe (and rare) case of rapid-cycling BPD. A person with that cycle rate would probably have been suicidal over the past year. It’s a pretty obvious and very dangerous condition.

      Having BPD isn’t the same as fearing commitment, being bored at work, and having a mid-life crisis. It’s serious enough that you would notice it as a problem *he* was having, not a problem with *your* relationship. I hope you can take this the right way: As a person who lives with BPD, I felt personally offended when I read what you wrote.

      BPD has taken a lot away from me. I’ve been manic on several occasions prior to being diagnosed. I was, during those times, psychotic. I thought I had special powers, was receiving messages from beyond, and was telepathic. There are other things I don’t remember so well. I’ve been depressed enough I couldn’t move, and suicidal. I lost a few jobs, and my plans for my life were ruined. I’ve had to severely limit my aspirations. Every one of those cycles damaged my brain. I think more fitfully and with more confusion than I did. Images, words, and beliefs have been gouged into my consciousness by psychotic intensity, and my mind looks through them; squinting through an after-image. On most days, containing whatever internal chaos that morning has brought and acting normal, it’s an exhaustion. I like my work. My work it purposeful, and that keeps me alive sometimes. But it’s hard. I’m angry. Below, in the depths of an ocean of chaos, lurks a seething hatred of everything. On the shallow surface of my consciousness, I’m pissed off.

      Outwardly, it is my duty to behave normally. I fulfill my responsibilities. I keep to myself as much as possible. I tell jokes, listen to people talk about their problems, and give them advice. I smile, so that they can live a happy simple life which I can’t. That is the best I can make of things. At times, I’ve failed. People have seen me angry, or manic, or confused with depression. But, so far, it has only been humiliating. I’m blessed that I’m intrinsically not a violent person. People don’t find me threatening. So far, everything has gone well enough.

      So far. I live in constant fear that tomorrow it will be too much for me to control. Something will take me by surprise in public. I live in constant fear that something will go wrong. I live in constant fear that something is going wrong right now, and I don’t realize it because I’m hypomanic and already mildly delusional. Whenever anyone calls me a smart person, or a creative person, or says I’m a good guy, or anything positive at all…I worry it’s a delusion. So I ignore what people say on an emotional level. I’ve just capitulated. I can’t know how people think about me. Even trying is dangerous. So when people hate me, or love me, it’s probably something I just make up. So I make it meaningless.

      I have absolute faith in things that have been carved into my brain by psychosis. So, I’m afraid to have faith in anything. I hate churches; the oppressive symbolism and magical language. Miracles don’t mean the same thing when I wonder if Jesus was just someone psychotic like me. That’s so insulting to a huge number of people, and seems kind of obvious to me. I’m an atheist by necessity, not choice. Hopefully God will forgive me, if there is such a thing. For me, faith and prayer are easy paths to self-destruction. When I pray, sometimes God has replied. I’m divinely inspired. At least, it seems that way to me. So I live like a secret vampire, half-dead, across the street, averting my eyes as I walk quickly by.

      Rage, Suicide, Desperation, Faithlessness, Delusion, Chaos, Exhaustion, and existential Alienation.

      And you think that a problem in your personal relationship with some guy might be Bipolar Disorder.

      I mean, maybe I misinterpreted you. Maybe there was a lot behind what you wrote that you didn’t write; a lot of things I don’t know. If I’m mistaken and the situation you’ve described is more serious than it seemed to me, I’m sorry.

      If not, can you try to be a little considerate? Suffering from BPD is a serious illness. I’m pretty sure you would notice.

      • James Garrett – just a quick question: by BPD are you talking about Borderline Personality Disorder rather than Bipolar? Either way, you’re quite correct: a professional diagnosis and recommendation for treatment is essential. But just want to check we’re all talking about the same thing here.

        • That’s an amusing question. I would think by the description it would have been obvious that I mean BPD as “Bipolar Disorder”. But, I suppose it is confusing, so I’ll try to think of something else. Borderline Personality isn’t usually associated with mania and psychosis.

    • hi Janika,

      here’s the thing: while there are some relatively common traits within bipolar, at the end of the day, everyone is individual so it’s always hard to say without taking a big fat brush and tarring everybody!

      However, with the knowledge I’ve gained from this site I can say that in hindsight with my ex who was bipolar, I now understand a little bit more about the cycles she might have been going through.

      So from personal experience: yes, what you describe does seem to be normal. However what I noticed was that my ex went through periods of feeling completely numb towards EVERYTHING in life and not just me (although it did include me). It seems to be brought on by medication and there’s a specific name / term for it although I can’t recall it just now.

      It was odd: almost as if when I wasn’t right there in front of her, she would just go into a reclusive mode and ignore me. But the moment she remembered me she was head over heels in love again.

      Like many things in life: we’ll never know for sure just exactly what is going on. But I think that once we understand then we can accommodate and not misinterpret the behaviour. And this can help us to be far more patient, understanding and accepting. However, remember not to let yourself get caught up in a toxic relationship. If he is abusive then make it clear to him that this is not acceptable. Your patience, accommodation and acceptance should never be abused. It should be respected, admired and loved.

      I hope this helps,


    • Yes it’s linked to bipolar disorder. I did that all the time to my boyfriends when I was not being treated with medication.

    • dont do it! it will wear you down. yes he loves you. very difficult to live with;/ i have 2 kids with a bi polar man. i believe my son has aquired some major issues due to this…and so have i…help

  86. Hi again,
    It is so easy to get buried in the deeper emotions life brings us. We are taught to “react to” things rather than “act on” things. To me, this allows our first flush of emotions to control us rather than taking a few moments and think about the bigger picture. I love my boyfriend (who lives with BP. When he crashes, he hits bottom hard. Because of my love for him often times in an effort to help him through his crash… I go there with him. This is not mentally healthy for me, or him either. We are in the process of learning new tools we can use that minimizes the pain and heartache for both of us. Time will tell whether our new approach will work.

    • The way you put that makes a lot of sense. Thank you.

      “It is so easy to get buried in the deeper emotions life brings us. We are taught to “react to” things rather than “act on” things. To me, this allows our first flush of emotions to control us rather than taking a few moments and think about the bigger picture.”

  87. Greetings All,

    Can we please get back to the original point of Natasha’ blog entry here? I’m am tired of hearing all the war stories about living with or leaving an individual who has been diagnosed as bipolar. (Btw I’m bipolar II) I am intimately aware of the the pain I have cause others, and I have been and continue to utilize tools that help me manager my bipolar and have healthy relationships. I come here to receive and give support, and to learn about other ways I can help myself manage my bipolar. For what it’s worth…

    With all due respect,

    • I so much agree. I just got on to read what is said about this topic and I see all of the ”war stories” or the tedious novels written on this blog, and nothing about the subject itself whatsoever.
      Please, kindly stay on the topic people.
      It’s so boooring otherwise. We can all be ”over” loquacious!
      I think like a mix master and a hurricane are going on in my head al at once. Like a pile of dead dry leaves blown by a furious, cyclonic storm — all at once. Rushing loudly, like the monsoon rain down the sewer, the thoughts and ideas come.
      Like I want to wear a tablet of paper around my neck to write down all of my thoughts, (opening my ipad takes too much time) I want plain old pen and paper to write ALL of the thoughts down!
      And RIGHT away. THAT’S how this bipolar female thinks. :(
      HATE IT!

    • Sally,

      You make a good point. One thing I was interested by was Natasha’s description of some bipolar thinking as “obsessive”. She referred to “ear-worms”. Personally, I think she is experiencing a very mild psychosis. I say that because I’ve experienced a number of them and most are not the really dramatic “I can see God and he’s calling my name” kind. Usually, it’s a mild delusion. I sort of get the impression that a mood spike will come along and carve a groove into my brain. Whatever I’m thinking of at the time gets attached to that groove and as my consciousness rolls around, back it skips to the same delusion.

      For example, I was convinced a co-worker had sort of “stabbed me in the back”. It’s actually a perfectly reasonable thing to think. It’s just that I have no actual evidence, as one never does with these things. What makes it, to me, a psychosis – it’s the absolute faith I have that this happened. In my mind it must be true, and that it is so obviously true and yet still unacknowledged – it makes me angry.

      So, there is this perfectly reasonable interpersonal stress which catches me at the wrong time. It wears a groove and then this “backstabbing-anger” gets attached to it. It’s not even the truth of the event, but this inability to let go of the emotional response. I can do all the self-talk in the world, but it’s like that “ear-worm”. It just keeps repeating.

      And, even at a very mild level, I’ll get phrases and song lyrics that are like that. But they all feel the same – like levels of one continuity – from the “God is talking” all the way down to a song lyric. But the difference that makes me define them as psychotic is that always have this emotional response. It’s not just an annoying tune. It’s an annoying tune that has some meaning. But, it’s not a meaning I have any control over.

      • James Garret
        I have gone what you are going through and it has subsided a lot. Have no reason why.. I believe it was a change in meds . I truly believe and have experienced the craziness some of them have cause me. Maybe you should talk to your psych doctor about this and see what he thinks.. Maybe an adjustment is needed. What I have found is that what you speak of for me is now called ruminations, where I cant get something out of mind. Usuallly that happens during times of increased stress.

        • Michael,

          Thanks for your response. Honestly, I don’t experience it as a problem. I’m kind of used to disassociating how I act from how I “feel” or what thoughts are running underneath. Also, I’ve been functional and more or less stable for fifteen years on the same medications. So, I’m afraid changing them would take too long to even out. I don’t have time to spin the wheel and don’t really have a reason to, right now.

          It’s an issue driven by stress for me, too.

    • Sally,
      can you share with me some ways that you believe have helped you in managing BP2? I am an ultradian cycler and also have complex PTSD so its a double whammy.. I have changed my diet completely. I am a vegetarian but ate lots of carbs and now I am basically sticking to vegetables and protein. I am trying very hard to lower my stress slowly and same with my triggers. Exercise is an issue with me but have to make a serious commitment to it.. As you know sleep is always a problem and I am talking fish oil, B vitamins , optimized folate and a few other nutrients including a kind of magnesium that breaks through the blood barrier into the brain. My ruminations are really bad because I am home alone all day and I have learned a new trick when I meditate. When my brain goes into rumination mode I just focus on the work thinking and it seems to lessen the ruminations as I meditate. I am still getting rid of the anger and bitterness towards those that have abandoned me.. Always used to think that friends were supposed to be ther for you during bad times, also. The issue U have as an ultradian cycler is that the highs and lows that I feel every day are both no fun.

  88. Dear friends,

    Help me get peace on my situation.

    I was with my ex boyfriend for 10 years. After the 8th year, he proposed to me and we were engaged for the last 2 years.

    It was always rocky …. Drinking, staying up late, waking up early, anger issues, physical abuse to himself and me, etc.. I kept forgiving him. My logic…? Well, we I vested so much time already and did make small improvements over time, so I stuck around. More importantly, I LOVED him. He was the world to me.

    However, when we lived together, he couldn’t keep a job. There was always something… I the job was too far, he didn’t like his co workers, etc.
    While he was unemployed, he would be come and I was out working hard to cover expenses…. He was supposedly looking for work. But my instincts told me different. I dug deeper and found out that he was chatting with females on his Facebook….. About our personal business. It was like he kep opening up to strangers. It made me doubt him….based on his actions. The crazy part is that h would always made me feel like I was overreacting. Like I was crazy. Nevertheless, I would ask him to delete those girl from his fB and he did…. BUT always added them back months later . Like he had NO loyaluty to me, because strangers on his FB were that important that he had to keep in touch with them….? It hurt me so much… No trust.

    Finally, we decided to move into his mom’s house for a few months so we could save money since he didn’t have a job and wasn’t contributing. He resented me for moving in with his mom but it was the most logical.

    4 months into living there, he lashed out on my several times but one time, I decided it was enough. Getting in my face for reason was making me sick…. It would hurt my spirit and I was bold enough to pack up my things and left. Imoved into a studio apart 20 mins from his mom’s house. He hated me for it…. Because it meant he would be stuck at his mom’s house….a 34 year old man living with him mom, really kissed him off but he made me want to leave with his behavior.

    But of course, a month laterz we decided to stay together, living seperately. About a month went by and I noticed he was acting different. We had a joint cell phone account and I checked his call and text log history. I found that he was speaking to someone in another state…. Will night, all day. Meanwhile he didn’t call me unless I called him. I looked up the number on FB and found out that it was an obese girl. Of course I didn’t make sense of it and looked into his YouTube account and noticed he had a fetish for big big girls….like 300+ lbs. I somehow managed to log into his email and found that he had set up an add on Craig’s list … Looking for a good time. I also found he set up a dating profile. I couldn’t not believe stat I was finding out. I confronted him about the girl out of state and he was furious and completely shut me out of his life. For a girl out of state, he had just met online…. Over me , his 10 year girlfriend. Months went by and I didn’t hear from him. He didn’t know I had access to his email account so I checkedit a few times after he shut me out and I found that he was telling her he LOVED her…..?!? That she saved him from my crazy…?!?! There was lots of sexual pic & videos exchanged so I decided to log out… It was too painful to see what he was doing & saying.

    3 Months later, he sent me an email that he missed me terribily… That he was sorry . That he was angry at me and felt justified for his behavior. But assured me that he was only talking to that girl out of state… But no actual physical relationships with girls.

    I told him he had a serious problem…. And he needed help. that that behavior was no normal and his actions over the years were not normal either. He promised me he would and so my stupid ass kept dealing with him. He would come over my house and within the course of 8 months, he put his hands on me…. Pushing me, pinning me on my bed, smoothing my face on my pillow. He would be so anger at me for the smallest things. Finally I told him, his going to kill me! He said he needed help and really actively looked for inpatient clinics. Time went on and none had beds available according to him.

    Here is where I need help!

    I tested him from my work celll phone and he didn’t know who it was … He asked who is this and I told him, it was his next girlfriend. He didn’t automatically know it was me…. Which is so crazy. Because I’m my head, who else who it be… Who else would tell him that his next girlfriend was contacting him?? So we talk and I ask him, if I’m the only one your speaking to, why didn’t you automatically know it was me?? Anyway he thought I was crazy and overreacting. I told him I’m sick of wondering and feeling doubtful … That he was a desperate assholing looking for any girl to reach out to him.

    3 weeks later, he called me from jail…. I didn’t hear my phone ring and didn’t answer. I call him a few days later when he got out. He didn’t answer his phone but tested me that he didn’t want to talk to me but that he was ok and he apppreciated my concern. I tested back, you couldn’t answer you phone and tell me that? He called me while he was driving and told me what happened when he was arrested… And then hung up on me.

    When he avoids me, I know it’s because his seeing someone else… I know him.

    1 week after he was arrested, I check his fb through a friends page and he got MARRIED.

    He got married to a girl that was from his hometown and that’s been his th friend for years.
    I highly doubt they were talking the whole 10 years of our relationship… I think it was a recent interacction.

    But my point is 4 weeeks after our disagreement, he shut me out again but this time got married??

    Is this part of the disorder? I feel a sense of guilt for being mean to him but his put me in Fucked up situations .. so I don’t know what to think.

    I’m soooooooo heartbroken. He was my man for 10 years. He asked me to marry him… He found me a ring 2 years ago. When I put a hilt on the engagement because he needed treatment… But not his with someone else.

    I’m sure his living with her and happy that his not living with his mom.

    Was this just an opportunity to escape?? Was it conviebance? Or was it the disorder?

    • allow me to comment
      Your story is a sad sample of people who put up and give up years of sound mind and psychological life trying to get mixed with a mentally ill person.
      A healthy woman would have hardly agreed for a month “i love him” not withstanding of pain and chaos.
      But what can i say … many of us have passed your route and some of us are still inside the crazy roller coasters trying to make life better for crazed people.

      Wishing you all the blessings and success.

    • this is what we see time and time again.
      drama, drama, drama.
      and it is what women seemed to be addicted to.
      which is why they want others to hear their sad tales of woe.
      but really, who gives a damn?
      you keep your rollercoaster ride alive by staying with someone who is unstable.
      it is what you want.
      normal men don’t act like that.
      but then, normal men would probably be too boring for you.
      and then he blah, blah, blah…
      and then silly me…
      oh, I feel so stupid..
      but I luv him.
      stow it.

      • People come here looking for answers, trying to understand the disaster they call life. Not all women thrive for drama…but some women have drama because of something called empathy, love, commitment and kindness. Women are different from men, they act and feel on emotions and we were born to mother and save.

        I do not believe that the way all women are the way that you describe. However some women can have those issues in their life not because they are weak…but because they are stonger than any man ever could be. We are fighting against losing odds to save the people we love. We allow their sickness to bring us to our knees so that if, in a moment of clarity they might be able to feel our love, then the sacrifice was worth all that we had to endure.

        I am sorry but I will firmly have to disagree on your over reaching statement regarding all women in general. Everyone’s situation is the same, yet it is different in its own way. You cannot, and should not, judge a woman’s situation until you have walked a mile in her shoes.

    • Hi Selena,
      Whether a person suffers with BP or not we all should ( in my opinion) put our mental health as a priority. I do not suffer with BP, but my boyfriend does. The Ebb and Flow that his BP takes him to does have an effect on me, and our relationship. I have only been seeing him for 10 months and so I can only imagine the inner strength you must have, and the love that you must have for your boyfriend after being with him for such a long time.

      My advise to you is to count the cost. Keep yourself mentally healthy. Set firm boundaries that you will not cross. In other words, make a commitment to yourself first, love yourself enough to watch our own back. To me your relationship with him sounds toxic, and causing you such pain. I’m an older woman, so I’ve lived a life. Please believe me that time passes quickly… what do you want your life memories to be when you are older?

  89. Dear friends,

    Help me get peace on my situation.

    I was with my ex boyfriend for 10 years. After the 8th year, he proposed to me and we were engaged for the last 2 years.

    It was always rocky …. Drinking, staying up late, waking up early, anger issues, physical abuse to himself and me, etc.. I kept forgiving him. My logic…? Well, we I vested so much time already and did make small improvements over time, so I stuck around. More importantly, I LOVED him. He was the world to me.

    However, when we lived together, he couldn’t keep a job. There was always something… I the job was too far, he didn’t like his co workers, etc.
    While he was unemployed, he would be come and I was out working hard to cover expenses…. He was supposedly looking for work. But my instincts told me different. I dug deeper and found out that he was chatting with females on his Facebook….. About our personal business. It was like he kep opening up to strangers. It made me doubt him….based on his actions. The crazy part is that h would always made me feel like I was overreacting. Like I was crazy. Nevertheless, I would ask him to delete those girl from his fB and he did…. BUT always added them back months later . Like he had NO loyaluty to me, because strangers on his FB were that important that he had to keep in touch with them….? It hurt me so much… No trust.

    Finally, we decided to move into his mom’s house for a few months so we could save money since he didn’t have a job and wasn’t contributing. He resented me for moving in with his mom but it was the most logical.

    4 months into living there, he lashed out on my several times but one time, I decided it was enough. Getting in my face for reason was making me sick…. It would hurt my spirit and I was bold enough to pack up my things and left. Imoved into a studio apart 20 mins from his mom’s house. He hated me for it…. Because it meant he would be stuck at his mom’s house….a @4 year old man at h

  90. Hi Terri,

    Thank you for the response. The Seroquel doesn’t seem to be working for the other issues. It seems like he’s really stressed and just wants to still pick fights just so he can let out that “rage” or whatever emotion that he has to feel just so he can feel relieved. It is so hard. It is beyond the hardest thing I have ever been through or seen. I am being so strong, stronger than I ever thought I would ever have to be in a lifetime, and it’s only been a few years with him and less than a year of seeing all of this “_______” I don’t even know how to describe it. If it wasn’t for our baby, I would have been gone a long time ago. I just want to write and share my story, and let it all out, but the little I tell, no one understands it. I wish I could change it. I wish I could just not care and move away, and be done with it, I wish I was even stronger to not let his other side effect me…there’s just to much to write. Any and all feedback means the world. (As long as it’s not mean or judge mental).

  91. I have a bipolar sibling. She likes to pick fights. I really don’t care for anything to do with her. I have met a lot of nutty women in my lifetime. I keep them at a good distance. This one, because she is a sibling, takes advantage of the proximity that affords her and she tries to use me as a punching bag and a whipping boy for her life’s frustrations. I like peace, I like order, I like to be left alone. My sibling likes interpersonal conflict and games of dominance, power, and control. She has spent a lifetime running her life into the gutter. And that is where she tries to drag my life as well, because she is a jealous and envious person, full of resentment and malice. Why anyone would marry or date scum such as these, or have children with them, is beyond me. No man in his right mind would marry someone like my sister, because she would relish nothing more than to cheat on a husband in order to humiliate him. In fact, like many young women, when she was a young woman, her goal in life was to find a rich man to support the lifestyle she imagined she was entitled to, and then to screw every guy she could get her hands on. When she found out that older men were generally not that dumb and naïve, particularly ones who are loaded with cash, she was very crest fallen. Poor little snowflake.

    • Harry,

      What you say makes sense to me. My entire family on one side struggles. Between them they have alcoholism, teen pregnancy, adultery and family abandonment, drug abuse, and assault charges. My uncle got high and crashed his truck into a parked police car. My aunt carried three loaded handguns to protect herself from the girlfriend of this guy she was screwing. He was 18 and she was like 30 with two kids. He worked at a grocery store and she would spend the evening camped out in her car in the parking lot waiting to confront this other woman.

      Eventually, I cut them all off. It’s not my job to diagnose them, or treat them. Every one of them regularly makes decisions I don’t approve of and then tells stories to themselves that justify their actions – no matter how objectively unreasonable they might be. I have my own problems with mental illness and dealing with my family just depresses me, and makes me fearful that my own children will inherit a family curse.

      The consequences have been that my family believes “I think I’m better than them”. That is true, actually, to an extent. I don’t think I’m intrinsically any better. I’m just as physically dysfunctional. But, I don’t behave like they do. My life hasn’t been easy based on my physical disability or based on my life history, but that isn’t an excuse for making other people suffer. My parents got kind of upset. But they’re easier to deal with. Once they realized I was still going to bring my family over to their place for Christmas, they lightened up.

      I guess what I’m saying is, if your sister is such a raging bitch, cut her off. It’s the same advice you would give anyone, if the person was ill or not. The consequences of cutting out family can be rough, but from what you’ve written it seems like the consequences of being around your sister are pretty rough now.

      Anyway, if you *aren’t* going to cut your sister out, all that language about how she *is* this or that isn’t going to help you get along with her, or make you feel better. If every time you see her face you think “There is my sister, the manipulative, narcissistic, malice filled bitch.” I can’t see how you’re going to end with a positive outlook.

      If you’re going to be around her, be hopeful. Ask her if she has seen a therapist recently. Tell her you’re thinking of her. Ask her if there is anything you can do to help. Be really reasonable and just ignore her attempts to draw you into conflict. Listen yo what she says and reinforce any decision or thoughts she has that you think are constructive, no mater how small. Avoid sarcasm. Avoid bad history. Build on the positives sincerely.

      If she tells you about a decision or an attitude she has you think isn’t constructive, just say “I don’t approve of that.” If she wants to argue, you say “Our ways of looking at things are different. We’re family. We know each other well. I don’t think we need to talk about why we think the way we do, or try to convince each other. I’m not trying to argue with you about how you should think. I’m making it clear that I don’t approve of that. That’s all.”

      It might be that you’re so angry with her that dealing with her patiently isn’t something you can do for very long. At the beginning, don’t bring your family. If you do, tell them that you might need to leave right away and no one should be disappointed. Maybe you see her for 10 minutes and then feel yourself losing that calm hopefulness. Then, you just need to give yourself an out. Leave. Honestly say “I wanted to come and see you to tell you I was thinking of you and that I care about you. I don’t want to get in an argument because I don’t want to think of you like that. I can’t do this right now, but I’m going to try to get in touch with you later when I feel better.”

      • ahoy
        i see we share family history. only in mine you find a prostitute for a mother. a siter with kids from diferent men. alcolic members. a sister owning a cult church. a brother marrying his best friend girlfriend and all manner of witchdoctors and charms.
        and this only tip of iceberg.
        so why would anybody blame me for being mentally ill?
        it was crucial i heal so why would anybody blame me for asking all of them to go s*rew themselves and out of my life? it was not like they gave me a choice.
        its over ten years since i saw some of them. i bet i ave forgot how they look.

        • No one should blame you for being ill, no matter what. You didn’t ask for it, and neither did your family. An unfortunate thing about psychiatric problems is that they very often lead to psychological ones. People experience trauma and stress, can’t think clearly, and so they make bad decisions.

          If there are children they have the misfortune of probably inheriting a genetic predisposition towards illness. And then there is the added misfortune of being in a family where people habitually make bad decisions.

          Personally, it’s not that I don’t love my (extended) family. But, I’m married with my own children. I don’t know if they have inherited my illness. I can’t control that. I can try to control their environment. Depending on my mood I’m not the most accessible parent. Sometimes I’m not really interested in playing games or reading stories. I do cook, and clean, and my children have a bed and a calm place to sleep. I hug them and tell them I love them, even when any further conversation would be too much for me.

          An important part of my life is protecting them from the things that might build up to, or might induce a problem. I would think all parents are like that. In my case that means cutting out my family, at least while my children are too young to understand the complexities of adult life.

          I know that is cold. But I think controlling a mental illness requires one to accept a certain ruthlessness, both personally and interpersonally.

      • Thanks for the reply, I definitely have cut her out of my life because part of her harassment of me has definitely been her attempt to keep me on my toes, not knowing what she would do next, basically she was out to bombard me with so much intermittent abuse that I would simply close off and want to be left alone, period. It resulted in a lot of self isolation from being overwhelmed with someone else’s craziness. Meanwhile, she was running around screwing whoever she could whenever she could and then damaging and destroying my property when her relationships failed; basically, trying to use me as her punching bag, trying to provoke a physical fight, and when that would not come about, she was calling the police on me and claiming that she was concerned about me and that she thought I was on drugs; and, she would take out temporary restraining orders on, and these would be loaded with false accusations, including financial abuse. And I have nothing what so ever to do with her finances. Once in court, she would feign concern for me, tell the judge how much she cared about me, and that she no longer wanted to continue pressing her allegations. All a big manipulative sham designed to make herself out to be a forgiving sister instead of the ruthless conniving bitch that she is. So, the answer to your question is that she is out of my life because she will not change and any hope that I may have had for having a decent, normal, mutually respectful relationship has been long forgotten. And I know for a fact that other guys have very abusive sisters as well, and these tend to be jealous, possessive, manipulative and extremely demeaning. Once upon a time, you could simply slap sense into such a person, which is basically what their behavior demands, however, the law prevents it, which is one of the reason there are so many crazy women around today, because you cannot legally place limits on their behavior outside of restraining orders, however, they do not respect the law, so that is basically useless. However, I have had her committed on more than one occasion. When someone is trying to drive you crazy, don’t hesitate to have them committed to the psych ward.

        • Harry!
          I just HAD to respond to your comments you posted about your sister! I honestly have never commented, posted, replied, bogged or anything like this before. I just browse websites on the topic I’m looking for and if people’s comments actually stick to the subject, I quietly read them…sometimes for hours! I have been reading people’s comments on this page for a while and have felt comforted, inspired and reminded that I am not alone.
          Now, I do not have bipolar myself, but I too have an immediate family member who does. My Mother! I don’t pity myself and never have, nor do I want anyone to pity me. So I’m not going to start the long story of my childhood. I just ask you to keep in mind that my mother was very much like your sister, her second husband was a child raping drunk and I couldn’t walk away. I was a young teenager when I left and it was pure rage, anger and hatred that cut all ties with her.
          I have only been in 3 relationships in my life and what would you know? Two of them had bipolar! I guess I didn’t get my fill with my mother. Im not even going to get into those stories either, just the basic stuff…cheating, lying, abuse. Like your sister did to you, I also was a punching bag! The more I didn’t fight back , the harder they pushed and the more mean, heartless shit they did. One also loved making up complete lies to get restraining orders. I believe it was to make them feel better about themselves for the REAL and horrible shit they did. They wanted me to look bad too. MISERY ENJOYS COMPANY!
          Harry, before I say anymore I just wanted you to know that I totally understand and can absolutely relate to your anger towards your sister! I lived it, felt it and know! My life, mind, body, soul….EVERYTHING was controlled and practically ruined by it! Now with all that said, I grew up like a big girl and went to many phsyiatrists, therapists, counselors and even the People with bipolar that effected my life in a bad and negative way. I spent years with these professionals and people. During these years (and am still continuing) I took psychology classes, read, researched, journaled and wrote. I did all of this because I didn’t want that anger and hate in me. I didn’t want to be permanently scarred because of the abuse, I wanted and needed to understand them and their disease!
          My response with the negative things you said (which makes you no better than your sister) Starting with your first post: kinda like you, I have met a lot of “nutty” women also, But I have met far more ” nutty” men. Men are just better at hiding it. Statistically there are more “nuttier” men than women. Men have many different sexual mental “nutty” illnesses which woman RARELY do. Like the sickening amount of men who have that disease where they are attracted to little girls, or the “nutty” narcissistic disorder (more men than woman have it) that have a ridiculously sick, bloated , high self image of themselves and mess their victims heads with twisted games and control and sexual abuse. Believe me, women keep sick “nutty” men at a very far distance. Why would anyone marry or date scum such as People like “these”? You mean People with bipolar? Let alone have kids with them? Sounds like you should take a minute to understand what Bipolar is and that it is a disease. I am 33 and was diagnosed with MS. I get exacerbation and they are like strokes. Very hard emotionally and mentally for the People in my life that care about me. This is a disease and I can’t help it. Does that mean no one should marry me or be with me? Am I scum? You also said “in fact, like MOST woman when their young, their goal is to find and marry a older rich man and to screw anyone they can get their hands on”. So according to you that’s a fact? Funny, because that wasn’t my goal, or any of my friends goals he’ll I didn’t know a single girl that had that goal! Oh and screwing any guy they can get their hands on? I’m not going to say there is no truth to that, there are some women who are or were like that….but he real, everyone knows young men, middle aged men, older men, almost all men of all ages are the ones that screw anything they can get their hands on! About this post: Harry, you are flat out saying that because 100 years ago, people turned there heads when a man beat his , there were less “crazy” women in the world? ” your also saying that women with bipolar or “crazies” demands them to be slapped? So it’s fair for me to say think, because of the way your talking and demeaning women with bipolar, men like you demand to be shot? I don’t know what anyone else thinks about your rants but it sounds to me like you have MAJOR mental illnesses! Seriously, your anger towards your sister is a little weird especially when half of it was about her screwing people. Jealous Harry? Hmmmm?

          • I know it makes peeps feel better to say that the other sex has the Bipolar Disorder more than the other. Or that the other gender is more crazy than the other Or that one gender more abuses peeps more than the other. In this case that seems to be leaning towards the Male gender as referred by some of you in your comments.
            My biggest pet peeve is to have someone make a comment based on nothing real as far as their research goes. Making up statistics as they go. What does that solve other than someone blaming ALL their problems on the partner or other loved one or a friend?
            Well here are the facts along with reference points (Authors)

            Women and Bipolar Disorder
            Although bipolar disorder is equally common in women and men, research indicates that approximately three times as many women as men experience rapid cycling. (Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 58, 1995 [Suppl.15])
            Other research findings indicate that women with bipolar disorder may have more depressive episodes and more mixed episodes than do men with the illness. (Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 58, 1995 [Suppl.15])

            So according to these findings Women are the least in control of their emotions leaved on them by Bipolar Disorder.

            Also “Anger” is NOT part of the Bipolar make-up! If you are Bipolar and you ARE angry. Your anger is most understandable considering life with the stigma of peeps opinions of Bipolar and its symptoms (uneducated opinions) leaves you out in the cold from family and friends alike.

            This is NOT fair and yes! This would make anybody angry!

            Stop blaming the other for your own anger and disposition!

            I AM Bipolar and I can honestly say that although I am disappointed with the life given me, I am NOT an Angry person!
            I take my meds as instructed and pay very close attention to how I act with or around my Wife and family and friends.

            Also,,I was a victim of abuse both growing up as well as in my first marriage. I to this day only know she was mentally ill, but not what illness she had, and YES! It was the worst, But I can’t say she had Bipolar or any other specific mental illness, But I knew she was because every time she would get into trouble they would haul her off to the State Hospital.
            What did I do about it? I left and divorced her!

            ALL I ask is that IF you’re going to comment on statistics do your home work before! How can anyone take you serious if your bullet points do not have back up research, You’re likely to get called out on it by someone who actually DID research their opinion and leaving you feeling like an idiot. Of course I know you are NOT idiots but more misinformed.
            Remember that peeps who read your comment may take every word as Gospel which means you could be responsible for their next actions,,,like suicide!

            Thank you,

            • hi Andrew,

              I think the problem with so-called statistics is that they are subject to a lot of questioning as to their authenticity and relevance.

              In fairness to Jill, she does explain that in her broad comments about men being more ‘nutty’ she isn’t just talking about bipolar but also other sexual disorders and narcissism etc., …

              And bearing in mind that statistics, even accurate ones, are generally a ‘guide’ to help understand and prepare but the reality is, every person, regardless of mental disorder, is unique and individual.

              My ex-fiancee, for example, did not demonstrate any stereotypical crazy bipolar behaviour. I suspect that she DID have serious depression and anger issues that she hid very VERY well but she didn’t (to my knowledge) cheat on me, steal from me, demonstrate any violence or scream at me etc.,… In fact, she did the opposite: she couldn’t complete anything and our lives didn’t progress because of this. Which made me feel that she wasn’t invested in our lives and wound me up immensely. Which (I think) in turn made her feel guilty about her actions and also increased her doubt in our suitability as partners.

              Now while what I’ve described seems to be known behavioural traits for someone with bipolar, and therefore a known challenge for couples, there’s nothing to say that every bipolar person or couple are going to face exactly the same challenges or that there are any certain strategies that will always work to address the issue.

              For example: some people need their (non-bipolar) partner to be more gentle and understanding of the challenges – and will respect and admire their partner for it, while others will simply abuse that, take advantage and walk all over their partner. We seem plenty of people reporting back first-hand experience of both.

              So my personal belief is that there is no ‘one-size-fits-all.’ We’re all unique and individual. And we have to remember that when we consider statistics.

              Here’s a great example for you of how statistics can also be skewed: apparently (in New Zealand) there is an act of domestic violence every 4-6 minutes. However, when my ex phoned the cops to have me removed from her door-step (because I wanted to know just how our relationship had turned upside down over the space of just 2 weeks), they fill out what’s called a ‘Family Violence’ form. The cop saw my horror and explained that this is the ONLY form they have for when they have to attend any sort of domestic dispute.

              Not once did I try to barge into the property, nor did I threaten her: I simply wanted to know what happened to our love. In fairness, she did the screaming (her first time) and was the only one who acted scarily.

              I have a recording of the cop telling me that in my case, it would go no further – they could see that I was not a threat of any kind to my partner and that I was reasonable and fair and that they unfortunately deal with a number of these sorts of incidents and are sympathetic to our situation.

              But never-the-less, my act of standing on the door-step for 1/2 hour trying to get my partner to explain what had suddenly gone so wrong with our 2 1/2 year relationship will be included in those statistics of domestic violence.

              And when you go to the Women’s Refuge website, they state that statistic loud and proud. So while I totally disagree with family violence and bullying – I also don’t like people mis-representing statistics. It can be used insidiously to bully.

              So yes, let’s be careful with how much weight we put into our following of statistics, no-matter what the source.

              Now I’ll get off my pulpit – here endeth the sermon from Father David :)

            • Well Andrew, I’ve been reading this blog for a while, but congratulations to you for motivating me to leave my first post.

              First off, I fear it is you who simply wants to believe that “women are the least in control of their emotions leaved (sic) on them by Bipolar Disorder.” You then cherry pick a couple of items from ancient articles (yes, 1995 might as well be the middle ages in Psych knowledge.) The articles you site are about the different symptomatology that most long time BP people suffer from. You quote from a DBSA article on “Women and Bipolar Disorder,” but I actually read the articles – nowhere do they posit your conclusion, thus you drew your own desired results in an unscientific manner.

              Worse yet, you next diminish anyone’s anger as invalid, unless their anger is about the stigma of having BP, because you are “NOT an Angry person!” You won’t even consider the fact that many BP folk feel strongly that anger is a symptom of their illness. I guess if it ‘s not one of your symptoms, it cannot possibly apply to anyone else. I mean we are all the same, right? It isn’t like we all have our own unique personalities or identities, is it?

              Just like you Andrew, I am not an angry person. And yet, I am not an automaton either, thus I reserve the right to become angry when abused , treated harshly or if protecting a loved one from harm.

              Your dismissive attitude towards people who disagree with your personal theories about women is revealing though. I’m sorry you’ve had such a difficult time in the past, and hope your current marriage is going well. It’s not an easy road for any of us, nor our spouses.

              There is no contest a foot about whether men or women suffer more with BP, have more difficulty with stability, treatment resistance, etc., etc. We are all enduring as best as we can.

              Last thoughts, and what really motivated me to write: Andrew, this is not a scientifically sanctioned blog, thus it is not okay to tell people they must cite research to dispute you…or they could be responsible for someone’s potential suicide. That is just not cool.

  92. The last three years have been THE worst of my life. I am Bipolar I, have PTSD, OCD several chronic and permanent physical conditions the worst being chronic pain due to Degenerative Disc Disease in my neck. I am turning 49 years old this June and I have to say that I have thought a few times about just ending it all. The only things that stop me are my husband, my pets and helping to post and get pets rescued on Facebook. My husband is disabled also and we had to leave our home state 12 years ago because we could not afford to live there anymore. I was not ready to leave but took it on the chin figuring a new chapter in our lives. Well, it turned out to be a nightmare. No friends, lonely, nowhere to go and basically I feel like I am in prison also. I isolate and avoid going out – even though a large part of me wants my life back. I used to have one and now I cannot even remember what it is like to wake up feeling good. I have been on every medication there is and the only thing that did help was Lamictal which I am back on at a low dose. My Mother and I were never close, she’s in a nursing home now when she doesn’t have to be – long story..My one brother drank himself to death and the other is estranged for reasons which he never explained. I am so lonely. I used to love the nights and now I hate them. They are so surreal and long. The gloomy weather only adds to the depression and we hardly see the sun anymore. I stay inside day after day and when I do go out, it feels strange like everyone around me is living and I’m a walking zombie on the outside looking in. I hurry home back to the prison which should be comforting, only to look at all the same walls and try to figure out how and if we are ever going to get our lives back. I suggested moving and my husband is reluctant. Some days I just want to take my car and drive as far away from here as I can. Somewhere, anywhere has to be better than this. I’m not materialistic and I used to enjoy the simple things and I wish I could just get some of that back. I abandoned everything I used to do and I don’t even know who I am anymore. I feel like a shell of my former self. I cry a lot, my mind races, vivid dreams, sleep disturbance and overall apathy because I see no light at the end of the tunnel. What bothers me more is thinking “is this what the rest of my life is going to be like?” Because truthfully I’d rather check out then exist like this. No sex for ages, no interest and only despair. I have been seeing a psychiatrist for over 10 years, have been in counseling and tried hypnosis, Cognitive Behavior and all the rest. For me it is a dead end situation with no hope in sight. Some days I push it as far away from me as I can, but other days I just dwell on it and the horrible thoughts won’t stop. My heart goes out to all of you who are trying to cope with this demon that is Bipolar because in my case, it took so much away from me and my life. I just want to feel better, to be able to enjoy things and help people and pets. But how can I do that when I can’t even help myself? Hugs to everyone and prayers that we all get relief and get our lives back or our lives get better.

  93. Hi there Natasha and bipolar people,
    let me first say how wonderful of you Natasha to run a site like this, good on ya, mate, you rock !
    I am 44, guitar maestro, used to be a touring and session musician, but for the last 12 years I am working as a event/theatrical decorator, backdrop tech. The owner of the company is your typical bully, insecure, Australian heathen, no education or scruples, an Aussie “bogan”, who started his company prior to the Sydney 2000 Olympic games, hired less fortunate, educated and talented people, and made it a successful business, although he is illiterate. After working over 12 years for this bastard, putting up with him and the gruelling hours, day and night, I succumbed to the pressure…
    I was diagnosed with Bipolar2 last year, and I am not getting better. My shrink prescribed me with Lamictal, a drug often used to treat Epilepsy.
    To help me cope with all the crap of modern day living, I was self medicating with marijuana for years and years. I’ve stopped smoking almost a month ago, with severe withdrawal symptoms, depression, severe depression and more severe depression …
    For more than a few years I am thinking and plotting upon my own demise, for the sake of the readers I will not elaborate.
    Lately, I am not able to play guitar, think of me as … that guy with the guitar, that is how people in Sydney know me, it is the extension of my body and soul, and, I CAN PLAY the darn thing, no worries ! My life seems pointless, another wasted talent, another heartbreaking story, la di da. I have stopped with the medication, solely for the reason that is not making me feel any better or worse. I can’t quit work, for obvious financial reasons, changing the company, I will only end up working for less $, getting a different tyrant to torture me, no thanks. Due to the state I am in, only quitting work for good, retiring is the answer. I am trying very hard not to lose it at work, and seriously injuring the bastard for whom I am slaving all these years, who insulted me, my family many a times, and also, many moons ago, got in my grille for who knows what. The entire company, crew, despises him, hates him and he is fully aware of it, but takes his anger with me, ’cause I am a foreigner, dark skinned Serbian Gypsy, a wog, coloquially speaking. He did stop recently, sort of, because I threatened him with the Ombudsman, and also, he owes me thousands of $$$ in superannuation. He is 60+, I am built like a brick wall, and a few months ago I almost whooped his ass, after being wrongfully accused and defamed, I am a Gypsy, in the perfect world, I should be extorting all of them, but no, I am a honest, hard working man, despite all the stereotypes.
    My marriage is under a lot of strain, due to the situation at work, and my disorder. I can’t remember when was the last time I had a good time with my wife … Making love, maybe four times a year ? She is a year away to get her Ph.D in Astrophysics and a cancer survivor, we are under a lot of academic, financial, psychological and emotional pressure, as you can imagine. Trying to stay positive, not really, taking it as it comes, but very, very tired and fed up with life, and people in general.
    Lately, I am obsessing with all kinds of bad examples, bad memories etc … every day I feel like I just want to kill that dog, he caused so much misery and disruption, while I was managing his multimillion dollar business. I can’t stop obsessing and going back to all the bad things he did to me, I constantly think how I am going to harm him … Jail, I already live in one. I drive my car only to go to work, petrol prices are ridiculously high, most of our money goes on rent, once I retire, i wont be able to afford the cheapest rent is Sydney, what is the use, I keep asking myself ? I don’t have any friends anymore, phone rings only when my bills are overdue, I absolutely hate myself, hate every moment I spend working at that hell hole. Don’t smoke, don’t drink, no sex, I am not gay, here nobody listens to live music, especially jazz, no friends, no pills, everything is over priced, over rated … everything but HUMAN LIFE, that is, unfortunately very cheap !

  94. I just found this site. I have a lot of questions. I am on the receiving end of a recent diagnosed “bipolar” “partner.” It’s been more than 3 years of more than 5 doctors that have misdiagnosed my partner. There is a lot to write. Would you guys mind explaining this to me. I have read so many books, been to all of these doctors, and I just don’t understand how they missed it. Is it possible to be a dual diagnosis of bipolar and psycopath/antisocial? He was diagnosed with ADD 9 months ago and put on Adderall. The anger seemed to intensify on that medicine but they kept him on it. And now another doctor has diagnosed him with Bipolar and wants him to take Seroquel. Any and all feedback would be greatly appreciated. Like I said, there is a lot to write. Thank you.

    • Hi J,

      I think that it is difficult to diagnose because a lot of the symptoms coincide with different disorders. I was diagnosed with major depression 20 years ago and finally 5 years ago as a manic depressive (bipolar 2). For myself, Seroquel is the only medication that helped. The only side-effects of the medication that affected me were extreme tiredness and weight gain, these are both normal though. All I can say is that as a partner you have to be strong for the both of you and to not give up on him, especially during an episode. Also, try not to tell him things like, “just smile” and “why can’t you be happy” these are just a couple of things that we know we have no control over and it makes us feel worse. Hope my little note helped at least a little…

    • J and Jade – first to answer Jade. Yes in many cases bipolar and childhood abuse/trauma/sexual abuse are very much linked. That brings me to addressing j. So often bipolar people are given a whole slew of diagnoses. I think it’s because they don’t fit nicely into any of these labels. Especially when your real problem is stemming from the chronic effects of childhood trauma. It seems like everyone is initially diagnosed with ADD! Check out work of Bessel Van der Kolk. His book, the Body Keeps the Score was really really helpful aumay husband. It discusses lots of therapies. Find a doctor who will actually do something besides give you meds. Meds are just one little piece of the picture. If a practitioner only focuses on meds solely, drop them and keep looking. My husband did EMDR and it majorly helped. He cut the meds in half.

  95. Hello ~
    I have been pondering the events of the last several months of my life. I’ve been working a healing quest from extreme child abuse for over 50 years now. I’ve overcome a huge amount of the lingering side effects of my young life. I have found peace of mind and personal acceptance. I’ve confronted my issues head on. I waited until I was 32 years old before deciding to have children, insisting to break that chain of abuse. At 63 years old I believe I’ve overcome a lot, and have a strength within me that was hard worked for and well deserved.

    I started dating a man almost 9 months ago. Before we ever met we talked on the phone for several weeks. We found that though we had not met in our younger (teenage) life… we went to the same high school, had the same friends, and even lived in the same neighborhood. We ended up talking so hours and hours. We decieded to meet. Our first meeting was great, and at that time he told me that he was BP. Because he was honest ~ I valued that highly. To me it showed character. He was happy, engaging, intelligent, caring and respectful. In short we got along like we had known each other for years.

    He started asking me questions about my past, and my childhood abuse. He dug deeper and deeper. After about 3 months I told him the *** experiment was over. I had healed from the trauma of my life and wanted to be happy today in my present life. It was okay for a while and then he started quizing me again.. not giving up. I mean we were getting down to the thoughts I went through as a child at the moment I was being molested by my stepfather and the beating my mother gave me after those events.

    Then he started connecting the dots between any and all behaviors that I have today with the abuse that I had suffered as a child. Deeper and deeper we went until I was swimming around in the toxic dregs of what my childhood was. Then it happened. He went over the edge, decising all by himself that if I reenacted the experience of my molestation it would somehow heal me. Oh My Lanta… it had the opposite effect and I reacted in a broken emotional way. He called me a “crazy fu****g bit**… I told him that was a mistake, took my few belongings and went back to my place. Big Sigh.

    I have been getting my head around all that has happened, but more… the attempted “sex therapy” that he thought would heal me. I had long ago healed from that, but he could not, would not accept it. He said I was in denial. I am working on multiple levels to make sense of all of this. I do not believe that he did these things to hurt me… nevertheless it has hurt me. The “sex therapy” trauma is a hard to get past because it is trauma in the present, not healed trauma of the past.

    It is rather like… when he is good, he is really really good and when he is bad, he is horrid. Right now I am stuck betwixt and between.. I love this man deeply and surely, but do not want to go down that road with him anymore. He has to be able to let my past go just as I have and quit using it as a weapon against me… if not, well, at my age I have realatively few years of a healthy life remaining, and do not want to live in the past… I want to be happy, at peace and loved. I would wish him the same in his remaining years, though for a BP sufferer, this may be much to hope for him. Do any of you have any opinions to offer, or words of wisdom? I can sure use some input… I am new to BP. Thanks for taking the time to read my post. ;)

    • I have never taken medication.
      But have been awfully sick to even know what i was sick from.
      It was combined with religious teachings all over.

      Self therapy has helped a lot. Could not afford doctors. So used books
      and internet. The book “Women who love too much” was a good starting point for me.
      To say i have had chaotic relationships is an understatement for me.

      Once thing that has really helped is…
      dealing with the sources of the depression… the sick family… the many other hangers on
      who got into my life because i was too sick to resist.

      I have had so many estragements, it is like the only thing i have been doing in the last one
      decade. Now no one of my family, all of them sick, and their children, who too become sick,
      is allowed to place a phone call or sms me.

      As usual i got a child with a sick ex. Sick women were the only ones who could give my
      relationships a chance.

      But she was quite chaotic, no surprise there. Now for my own sanity, she is not welcome
      to place a call to me. I cannot sit down with her and the only communication i will accept from
      her is that she sms.

      Obviously i have a lot to do for the child. Living with a sick mum and a father who refuses to have direct
      contact with a mother must take its toll on the child, no matter what i do.

      In the long run i have only one life. No sick person will be allowed within my boundaries if i can avoid it.
      So far only my child i know who has a direct immediate contact with my life. Every one else must not only knock but first explain their full intentions with the liberty they ask of me.

  96. My mother is in the manic biopolar stage now. You don’t want you friend to become like that. It’s hard to get them out sometimes. Also, I’ve learned they play on your emotions too. Then again you never know with them they could be lying to you to get attention.

  97. My friend is just two weeks medicated, and has only In the past taken meds for one month after diagnois. she lives 12 hours away and has called asking me to come help her. She says she can’t do this anymore. What do I say other than try and advise her two be patient and give the meds time to work? I also am not sure if her manic stage just wants me there to give her an excuse to be active. She does have a apt tomarrow and she has said she will ask to have her meds adjusted or some added as she is not able to be still, think, sleep. I am so afraid for her and I feel so helpless. If there is anyone who has been at this point and can share with me what to say to her that might help I would love to hear. She has a boyfriend there with her, but is gone at work a lot, and is totally maxed out – they fight a lot at the moment. He is also saying a lot of the wrong things, as I said, maxed out.

    • Twelve hours is too long a journey to help someone. That might seem callous, but it isn’t. If you try to go to heroic measures, you’ll feel like a hero for a while. But, unlike a fantasy hero, your friend probably can’t be rescued in that way. If her house has just flooded, or she had some other acute problem, you could swoop in and provide big help at an essential moment.

      But, if she was previously medicated, she has already been on the journey for a while now. It’s a chronic problem which a weekend rescue isn’t going to put right.

      What mentally ill people need, in my opinion, is friends who treat them like people who aren’t ill. People with cancer don’t want to be cancer people. It’s the same thing. It feels like it’s helping, but if if drains your energy away, you will eventually cut yourself off completely. And then, when her mood changes, she will realize that she used you up, as a friend. If she is arguing with her boyfriend, that relationship is in danger.

      At some point in the future, hopefully soon, maybe she will find a path to getting better. Staying on that path is really hard, because when you start you have no experience. It’s kind of like walking out of a cave into the brightly lit world. As she squints around, it would really help if she had a friend to be there to do something fun with, and to feel normal.

      That is what sucks about being ill and then trying to get better. You cut yourself off from half of the people and half of the people cut themselves off from you. So, who do you go out to coffee with, on that first day?

      My suggestion is you do some cold calculations. How much emotional energy do you have to invest in that relationship? Is this a time when you can both enjoy being together and share experiences which will give you something back? Are you really willing to commit to twelve hour drives over the course of what might be a decade of illness?

      If you have reason to believe she is suicidal or might hurt someone, you should try to intervene. But, think about how you would do that. If not, I suggest you take a longer view.

      Personally, I have told two people in the past “I can’t do this right now. You’ll need a pretty good friend later more than a really good friend and then no friend.” One time, it ended up working out. The other person is still in the middle. We keep in touch, but he knows I’m not willing to get drawn in. Maybe that will end badly. I can’t be sure. But he knows I’m still his friend. So, when he is in a decent place and willing to talk about something other than being ill over coffee, he has someone to call.

  98. wow am I glad i came across this. Just reading this helps me to know that everything I have been thinking and feeling is a natural part of the bipolar person. I have been struggling with getting a diagnosis for years and reading blogs like this are like finding a long needed explanation for things I have been going through and never told anyone. A validation I need. Thank you so much! Do you have any tips on how to talk to friends about this disorder? I tried to explain it and aside from initial support in the form of – ” oh, yes you’re textbook” when I exhibited a minor episode of impulse control I am crushing under the weight of extreme criticism. I know they don’t understand and the truth is I don’t either and I need support not blame. Are the only people who will understand those who also suffer bipolar?

    • Hi Laura – I think that understanding starts with knowledge. You’ve already made a great start by looking to educate yourself so I’d send your friends here to get them started too. It can be a lot to take onboard so I’d send them links to specific topics that you want them to read – I think this particular one is a great one to get the ball rolling.

      Whether or not you have to be bipolar to truly understand bipolar? I don’t know – but for me as a non-bipolar person it’s more about empathy so that I can be more understanding and supportive (if needed) of anyone else I meet who might be bipolar.

      Stay positive and look at this journey as an opportunity to improve your life and make it the best it can be :)

      And remember: bipolar doesn’t mean you’re crazy. Well, no more than the rest of us!

  99. well,57 and just diagnosed with bi polar 2 after a week inpatient, Scared most of the time.On all my meds ( 4 of em,) and trying to make it. so lonely. Wife just broke up with me, so I am going alone. every time i try to go to a “so called support group”, it is like sitting in a group of aliens. Yesterday I just cried all day.Very lost. Called suicide support last night, and the guy seemed mildly annoyed on the other end of the phone. just did not want to be here at this point in my life, but I do not have a choice. I am tired man, so tired.

    • hi Scott – sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time of it. But I’m glad that you”ve been able to get a diagnosis and also to find this place.

      I’m not bipolar but have been impacted by it – hence I found this place. And I have to say that Natasha has brought together a great community of people with a great wealth of knowledge, information sharing and support. So please hang in there – if you read Natasha’s many MANY blogs you will no doubt be amazed and realise “that’s exactly how I feel – I’M NOT ALONE.”
      Even as a non-bipolar person, this site has brought so much understanding to me – it’s helped me to see the patterns of what was happening and also to understand at a compassionate and human level what my ex-fiancee was possibly going through and may have been feeling. So it’s worth sharing this site with your loved ones too – even your partner who has left, so that she can learn and understand at her own pace.

      These are early days for you. Your medication may take 3 weeks to kick in. And it might take a while to get the exact right combination and dosage for you. But this IS the start of your life getting better. There IS light at the end of the tunnel.

      Medication alone won’t fix all of your problems. You will most likely need to find a good psychotherapist, support groups and a healthy lifestyle (regular healthy diet, sleep and exercise patterns with hobbies that you enjoy and personal challenges that help to build your self-esteem and keep you in a positive frame of mind).

      There is a HEAP of information here to help you with working all of that out. And there are plenty of compassionate people here from all walks of life, who have gone through similar (if not the same) journey as you so can and will support you through this. Humanity is here for you, Scott.

      Have faith buddy and hang in there. Don’t do anything silly: people WILL miss you. You DO matter. Please don’t for one second doubt that. You’re NOT alone. This WILL get better :)

      Take care and don’t hesitate to reach out..


      • Thanks David. Everything you say is like a life line for me.
        Much of what you suggest I have already begun to implement.
        Your response means the world.

        • glad to be able to shine a little light, Scott. Hang in there buddy – believe in yourself mate and you’ll get there – remember that when you feel too tired, that’s when you need to have more faith that things WILL get better. Keep reaching out :)

  100. Thank you so very much for writing this. All the other things I’ve read make no sense to be because ironically they go from one extreme to another and I couldn’t relate at all to their scenarios. This laid it out where you could crazy it up or crazy it down! It spoke so true to my current situation.

  101. hI
    My bf of five years suddenly said to me last year that he wants to be left alone. I did not know that he was bipolar and neither did he. He blocked me out of his life for 6 months and in that time I was thinking that a million things could have happened and what went wrong. Months were going by and I got involved with another person who took advantage of my vulnerability due to the loss of my bf. Six months later I sent him a text telling him I missed him and he was immediately at my home. we somehow found ourselves until he found out that I was involved with smone else in his absence and could not take my explanation and forgiveness as I did not know what was going on with him and now do. He then said to me that he has been diagnosed bipolar. hell broke loose. my life has become a complete misery from deleting all male family and friends from my phone and latest having a woman phone and tell me in a conference call with him that they are involved with each other for a year now. I need to understand this and I need to let go

  102. i have no idea where to write this. Please comment! I have had Bipolar 1 since 2003. Diagnosed. Been on medication since. Have experienced some SEVERE manias and depressions. Lately all I’m having are depressive episodes. I’m never going up! I used to go up after a down and down after an up which is characteristic of bipolar we all know. Anybody else experience this?

    • April
      I experience it also and I cycle a few times a day. so it is exhausting, evil and horrible. And the days when I am only manic are no fun becuase I know that soon enough I will be majorly depressed. I wish you health and peace.

  103. Every day I wake up I hv a song in mind repeatedly, as d day progresses more n more songs comes in my mind, especially d music patters repeats more, its very annoying, it disturbs me, whenever I try 2 focus on nething d songs start playing in my mind, I was diagnosed wid ocd few yrs b4, I started d medicines bt all it gave me was sleep and high blood pressure, wat shud I do to stop these songs? Plz suggest.Thanx

  104. I am new to this and feel very overwhelmed! I’ve been with my bi polar bf for 1 1/2 and luv him like I’ve never anyone before him. But his words crush me to the core. In the beginning (5 months) he never called me names, in fact when he would get in mood he reflected on himself. He would say horrible things about himself and how I would be better if he was dead and when his parents were gone he would be too. Last 4 months have been emotionally exhausting! I find myself not wanting to even read his txt in fear of the horrible things he calls me from liar, ignorant, stupid, bitch, even the horrible C word :( I’ve never been treated this way ever. He says I make him call me these things and if I didn’t act like one I wouldn’t get called one. I honestly treat him and his family better than anyone ever has. His parents family friends everyone says that im the best thing that’s ever happened to him and he totally agrees until mania kicks in. Then it’s like talking to a wall. It’s always his way his rules his thoughts beliefs etc then he accuses me n so fourth so I finally get sick of hearing it n defending myself so I just stop reading stop txting cuz it hurts too bad and no matter what I say, he doesn’t change his thoughts. Then he blows up says I shut down im just like the rest im a liar I don’t luv him etc I try to explain to him I do Luv him but I get sick of defending myself to no avail. Sick of the horrible names no man has ever said to me. Then he says I am used to pussies (sorry for the crude language just need to state his harshness) and that im not used to a real man who stands up to me. I told him there’s a huge difference between standing up to me and plain and simply disrespecting me and that’s what he is doing. He brings up stuff that was settled months ago or stupid stuff that doesn’t matter like the fact I like to dress nice. I work I pay all my bills we don’t live together I don’t ask him for one penny so it shouldn’t matter. He likes collectibles so I buy them but I want flowers at work n he tells me it’s stupid. I told him i don’t think its too much to ask to be told I look pretty or good morning beautiful he says no woman deserves to be complimented daily!! He does send txt he does tell me he luvs me he leaves notes sometimes in my car or post on fb but it’s so hard for those things to be enough now. They used to be until last 6 months now I feel like leaving a note in my car doesn’t make up for calling me C***!! I don’t lie or cheat all his exs did. People find me attractive and “like” fb pics or comments and he gets so mad we can’t even be on each other’s fb. I trust him more than anyone I’ve ever dated. He doesn’t lie or cheat I know where he is at all times. I adore his family but I don’t know what to do. I feel I do deserve compliments and nice words flowers randomly sweet dates. I’m not asking for a lot only things I do for him This is my first time with Bi polar or even commenting on any sites. I just feel lost and broken.

    • Hey Jamie,
      Your relationship with your boyfriend sounds toxic. Even if he has severe Bipolar he doesn’t have an excuse to verbally abuse you and disrespect you. I would tell him if he doesn’t stop treating you like that you’ll leave him and I would follow through with that. I’ve had severe bipolar for a while and I know there’s no reason he should be putting you through that.

  105. I just found your site and have only read a couple of pages and you are spot-on!! I have Bipolar and wow! Thank you for sharing your thoughts and your perspective. I’m not alone!! :-)

  106. Hello,
    I have been dating a guy for the past 6 months and noticed diff things abt him that were diff. I fell in love with him and told myself that I knew he was going through some things because of the loss of his father. We would go out to eat and sometimes he would think that somebody was staring at him and that they were a spy. He’s asked me a few times if I worked for the CIA or FBI. He is adamant that I am a world class mind manipulator and play all this mind games just to mess with his head. I’m like, dude, Im in love wth you, chill…I am just being real with you. Yet he thinks that I am just running game and that all I wanted to do was win him over just so that I can say I got him and then leave him. He is abt to be 30 years old. He used to be 300 lbs and started losing the weight at age 18. He is extremely fit now, stands at 6′ and weighs abt 204…8% bodyfat. He swears that I check out other guys…just because I am looking through a crowd of people as I walk through the mall. He told me that I spit on his face because he works so hard on his body yet look at other men. I had bruises on my leg and Idk how I got them. Yet he was insistent that I got them from being with another man. Every time he thinks I am doing something wrong, he swears revenge on me. That hes going to get me back. One minute he loves me, misses me, and cant wait to see me, the next minute he hates me and wishes I was dead. From A to Z for no reason. He constantly thinks nobody cares abt him and that hes just a toy. His nickname is Superman because hes so buff…and he literally thinks hes basically invincible. When he gets mad though, he tends to get verbally abusive. He calls me names and belittles me. Then later on tells me that he knows I wasnt wrong, he just had a moment and that he needs to fix himself. He didnt tell me he was bipolar until abt 4 months into the relationship and that was only by mistake. I swore to myself that I would stick by his side and hold his hand every step of the way because I love him. But after awhile, I could see he was only getting worse and there was just no way to prove to him that I was only about him and loved only him. He just couldnt understand or comprehend that he was my world. This past monday, all morning he told me loves me and sent me alll these nice txt msgs. An hour later while he was at the gym, he texted me out of random talking about I better pray to God that he doesnt get in his zone. I called him back and asked him what he was talking about and he just went off about me spitting in his face every time I look at another guy because I dont appreciate the hard work he puts in for his body. I am completely at a loss for words because I am at work and just an hour ago he was all in love with me. He started telling me he was going to get me back and he hates me and cant stand. All this completely out of no where. He then started saying that he cant handle being with me because he cant trust me, I have too many red flags for him, that I check out other men in front of him and have no respect. He said he cant handle the fact that tomorrow is my bday and he knows I am going to run around being a skank just because its my birthday and he doesnt want to think abt what I am doing. He told me he was done and moving on. He texted me saying thank you for everthing I gave him and shared with him and then blocked me. I was completely shocked…just shocked. I am so none of those horrible things he said and I dont even understand why he even just goes into these rampages out of no where. What triggered these episodes? Sometimes he would tell me that just looking at me makes him angry. I dont understand. I adore this man. He would blow up almost every weekend and then be fine again after I beg and plead to him and try to prove that I am everything I tell him I am. He has told me before that hes going down a dark path and he didnt want to take me with him. He has told me that he has issues within himself that he needs to fix. He has said that I deserve better than him. But I just thought he was only down on himself because of his history with his exgf and the loss of his father. I figure not being able to talk to him is the best thing for myself and especially since I have a little girl. But I miss him so much and I love him. Its been 2 days and no talking, texts or emails. Is this just an episode hes going thru because of my birthday? Is he going to end up coming back again? I dont understand what triggers his episodes like this. I didnt even do anything! I was at work! And then I dont understand how he could love me and not even talk to me or see if I am ok. I am so lost and confused and heartbroken. Can you please help give me some clarity? Is this just an episode? Is he going to try to come back after he calms down or do you think this is permanent? He needs help but refuses treatment. He loves always being full of energy…says it all the time that he has so much energy. But also gets B12 injections and constantly drinking monster. I think I need closure. Will I ever get it? Worse birthday ever :'(

    • Vanessa – you’re not going to like hearing this but trust me – this is an honest opinion given for your own benefit – and it comes from a guy. The guy you’re dating is not fit for a relationship: he is clearly insecure, has trust issues, controlling, abusive and manipulative. The fact that he threatens you over his delusions as to your behaviour must surely have alarm bells and lights going off?

      Personally, from what you’ve described about his behaviour, I would say that anyone staying in that relationship needs to reassess what they’re looking for in a relationship and maybe work on their own independence and self-esteem. You’re in the Honey Moon period of the relationship and this is as good as it gets: and it already sounds like a nightmare.

      I’d strongly say that you cut your losses and leave now while you can and be grateful that this didn’t happen after years of investment in the relationship. DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE OF THINKING YOU CAN FIX HIM. Only specialist help and a LOT of time invested in himself can do that. And to be honest, some people just can’t be fixed … but they can do a lot of damage.

      2 days is nothing. Focus on yourself and your daughter. Be strong for her. The last thing you want in her life is someone like this guy.

      Sorry, I know this is probably not what you want to hear.

      Good luck and be happy :)

      • Hi David,

        Thank you for your reply. I know taking him back would be a huge mistake so I won’t and I already knew that I had to be ty aww at from him. I think I just want to make sure this isn’t my fault. I just don’t understand How he could be so ugly then be so perfect. I don’t have closure and its killing me. Do you think he’s gonna try to come back?

        • You need to do what you think is best, of course, Vanessa. If someone is abusive, you should stay away from them. If they are just emotionally volatile, you need to protect yourself emotionally and/or make sure they are able and willing to get help and take care of themselves.

          As someone who is bipolar, I have always had a hard time finding a consistent ground to stand on. It can be very difficult to maintain a steady course. I take lithium and have taken stronger doses of it and just felt like a zombie. I have tried anti-depressants that made it worse. After years of taking one type, I was told it actually was making me have more mood swings and that they no longer prescribe it to people with bipolar. I may try lamictal in the future, but I think that for some people and maybe even most, you are not simply “cured” through medication. It is a more fundamental illness than that and in some ways I feel it is limiting to see it simply as an illness. It seems intertwined with personality and our nature. It seems too reductionistic to see it as JUST an illness. I don’t mean to minimize the pain and suffering of the disease, but at least a more wholistic view could help.

          I have been the person who is perpetually “on the fence” in a relationship. It is difficult to experience the intense positives and negatives, to think everything is and will always be wonderful and unable to see the faults and to think that the other person is cheating, doesn’t love you and that you are stuck, all in the course of weeks or months. Probably days or hours for some people.

          You don’t want to hurt people so you eventually force a decision and leave or you stay and you shouldn’t. Things can probably work if people are working hard enough on themselves and everyone has the proper resources and external support. However, it probably shouldn’t feel overwhelming. It is hard to figure out, that’s for sure.

        • hi Vanessa,

          I understand how you feel re. the lack of closure but the reality is: your closure is in the way that he was able to terminate the relationship so easily / quickly / whimsically. Quite simply: you don’t need that kind of person in your life.

          That said, if my ex-fiancee was to come back to me and apologise it would be a very VERY difficult decision for me: because I love deeply, so even 4 1/2 months after the end of our 2 1/2 year relationship, I am still in love with the positive aspects of her. And now that I know so much more about bipolar, I could no doubt support her much more and change my approach in order to reduce the stress on her and avoid possible triggers. However, there’s nothing to say that even with all of that she won’t walk away again.

          Similarly, while it seems to be a common trait for bipolar people to experience regret for their actions when they leave a good partner, there’s nothing to guarantee that this will be the case – or how long it will take.

          So in short, there is no exact science to bipolar. All you can do is to live your life as well as you can. Be the best person you can be. Prioritise yourself and your daughter. And don’t hold his actions against him: accept that his bipolar took over. Be compassionate to his situation but be mindful of protecting yours. And if you take him back, be sure to be very clear in your own mind (and make sure he understands) as to what is and is not acceptable for him to be a part of your life.

          One thing I would stress though is that his threats and delusions around your behaviour towards other men do make him a serious danger. Put first and foremost the safety of you and your daughter. Personally, I would be getting as much distance from this guy as possible – possibly even considering a court order and a change of address, mobile, etc., … Some chances you just don’t want to take.

    • David’s advice is valid…I was in a similar relationship for four years. Things became worse over time because he had many issues that were never dealt with. He hid the fact he was bipolat for 3.5 yrs and slipped in conversation.My jaw dropped and of course he blamed me for not listening to him. It won’t get better and you can’t change him. Everyone deserves to be happy, including yourself.

  107. hello,i am 19 and i suffer from bipolar 2. i started my medications 2 months ago by consulting a doctor.He put me on olanzapine and fluoxetine for my depressive episodes. The problem is ever since i have started medications,sucidal thoughts have increased tremendously.there have been episodes of self harm which i do not want to discuss.The thought of blood thrills me. college life with bipolar is difficult. any stress forces me to do something extreme.are these side effects of medications coz this was not happening b4 my medications.

    • Hi hitesh,

      If you are experiencing what you describe you should see your doctor immediately and ask for a medication change. It should not be that way and the correct medication for you will not have those side effects. What you’re describing could be dangerous so take care of it as soon as possible. Call a helpline if you need immediate support:

      – Natasha Tracy

  108. I’m 42 and just stumbled on this blog
    I had a very bad day. I sit here for hours rehashing it all in my head, or to the few that will listen. In fact I sent a text saying “I wish there was a mute button for my mouth”… Resulting with a Google search: “Can saying everything my mind thinks, be a disorder?” I often ‘tell too much’ just to have it come back on me later in a negative consequence.
    Anyway, IRONICALLY… This blog shows up… Not answering ‘that’ question… But totally helping me not feel alone about the bad reaction to a stressful experience, and helps me address my real problem.
    I am not only bipolar (lamictol) But I am ADHD (concerta)
    Not only did something stress me out to the extreme, I can not get it out of my head for hours and I didn’t realize this ‘symptom’ as being normal for me… I just knew it was ‘not ‘ normal and I was trying to figure out how to get it under control.
    A huge validating point made, was how I am always in overreact mode when something bad ‘or good’ happens….. In general… I live with a zillion thoughts all the time. I always feel lost in them… I use conversation to help me try to find my way through them if possible, otherwise I can be tormented for 6-12 hours over something that’s affecting me. It’s been abnormally bad for 6 months as I lost my routine, in losing my partner of 11 years. I am still in a rapid tailspin and I’m so tired..overwhelmed, embassased by my lack of control over my feelings to the point I never leave the house and have shut out my community. (Just one of many fears to get out) There’s no end… So I now I can own that I struggling with obsessive thought behaviors. This was exasperated by my break up. Thank god my new gf has been patient…
    Anyway…. To the author…. Thank you for helping me feel not so alone and helping me identify an issue that I can start addressing with my therapist.


  109. Hello, I’m 65 and bi. Polar. Ive been married 28 years to my husband. I have had MAJOR LIFE CHALLEGES THROU OUT MY LIFE. I USUALLY RESURFACE EACH TIME. WITH LOTS OF HELP. in 20012 my husband had to have major Brain surgery to remove a benign tumor. His recovery was tedious and scary. Next in 2013 we had to put four of our beloved Dog babies. To sleep over a nine month period. We were just broken. But we had 2 more babies left that that really needed us. In that time frame my huad sever hospital stays. Next in 2104, his tumor grew back and it need surgery to remove it. But I had been putting off major neck surgery, and the neuron surgeon wanted my surgery to be done with before my husbands second surgery, so would be able to care of him. It was a hard hard time for us. Now since the surgery a complete, I started terrible obsessions. I have completely shattered. Raging in my head and paranoid fears. I found this blog and know I’m not alone. Thanks so much for this blog.


    • Hi Ivis – to be fair, it sounds like he’s nowhere near ready for a relationship. The question Vegas to New asked: With all of these negatives, why are you still with him and what do you want from him?


    • Hi Samantha,

      Welcome and give yourself a pat on the back for reaching out for help: Acknowledging the problem and openly asking for help is often the hardest part of any journey.

      I’m not bipolar – nor do I suffer any mental illness but have had a couple of Situational depression and anxiety moments in life and you might be able to gain some benefit from my recent experience. When my bipolar ex-fiancee left me 4 months ago I was prescribed anxiety medication – I understand that this might seem insignificant to your situation but trust me when I say that I love deeply and was truly the most heartbroken I have ever been (and I’m 42 so I’ve become a little battle-hardened). Because of the nature of the drugs my GP (who specializes in mental disorders) prescribed a 6-12 months’ course of meds.

      The drugs helped to take the edge off HOWEVER the best thing that I found was actually yoga and group meditation: to be fair I’ve never really been into yoga and I’m not a spiritualist BUT it worked wonders for me and did more for me than the meds. So I spoke with my Dr and we agreed to ween me off the meds over a couple of weeks. think it was a combination of the physiological / cardio-thorasic benefits of drop breathing and having another person hello me to reaffirm that “I AM a good person and to trust that things WILL improve.” For me it was a great help. it was great also to take time out to just calm my mind and focus on nothing else other than my breathing while also taking in the positive affirmations. From there I started to focus on what I needed to do to MOVE FORWARD and make my life happy again without obsessing over the past or trying to fix a broken relationship.

      This probably rings true with all of the advice I have seen about exercise being an essential part of a positive lifestyle and helping to calm the mind.

      So I’d heartily suggest giving it a go – even if it just helps to get through the next couple of weeks.

      Save a guided Calming or Positive Affirmation meditation to an iPod and go sit in the park or somewhere peaceful with nature.

      YouTube is your friend – just holler if you need pointers :)

      I hope this helps – Good Luck and remember: help is just around the corner :)

      • Hello David,

        Thank you so much for your advice, David. I am very appreciative for your words of wisdom and encouragement! I have often thought about yoga and meditation as possible outlets however, I have been worried that it alone will not be enough to ease my struggles. I will try it though and see if I can have/feel some relief and improvement from it. If anything else, it will be a relaxing method to my already hectic lifestyle and bring me some peace. Thank you again. Also, So sorry to hear about your situation. I wish you all the best and am glad you were able to find an outlet for your heartache.

        Also, I am very familar with Youtube!

        Thank you :)

        • That’s the spirit: try to keep a positive outlook :)

          It does seem that there’s no single fix for depressive, anxiety or mental disorders as a whole – I think the key to success (even in everyday “normal” life is a balance of multiple things that will make you feel good:

          Fresh air – GET OUT – it opens up the mind
          Friends (REAL friends who are consistently there for you – distance yourself from the trash or fair-weather friends)
          15 mins / day of Quiet time
          Regular sleeping patterns – too much sleep is as bad as too little
          Healthy diet (what you eat, how much and when)
          Avoid routine excessive alcohol – it just weakens us – especially when we have stuff on our minds

          You seem pretty intelligent and self-aware so you probably already know all of this but it’s a discipline: you have to work at making it a natural habitual part of your life. And they say it takes 3-6 weeks for a new routine to become a subconscious habit. It might sound like hard work but it all starts with intent: you clearly have that :)

          Good luck – stay smilie and go easy on yourself :)

          • David,

            Thank you so much! :) I have printed out your list as something to refer too and to help me in creating these practices as daily habits for my life. I appreciate your help so so so much! Truly, you have no idea the power behind your kind words.

            ~All the best to you :)

            • Glad it’s helpful. I forgot to mention:

              Have an objective for each day: Work it out the night before and go to bed looking forward to the next day as an opportunity to achieve something you want. And wake up in the morning and embrace the opportunity to achieve something for you. It could be creating a budget, getting to the gym, arranging to catch up with an old friend, reading a book, anything – the key is to break it down into bite-sized chunks that are realistically achievable but not so easy that you’re just conning yourself into believing you’ve done something praise-worthy. As Professor Martin P Seligman (Chair of the International Positive Psychology Association) says: Self Esteem = achievements / (number of opportunities x difficulty). Be realistic, be forgiving on yourself if you slip and just try again the next day. Most of all: be proud of your achievements :)

              Before you know it, you’ll be prod of who you are and what you’ve achieved – especially considering the extra challenges you face :)

    • why do you even ask.
      do you not deserve better?
      why is he still your bf? if he ever recovers
      he can always get another gf.
      so scurry along. you deserve to be

  112. Hello Everyone,

    I am a 24 year college student and I am writing in hopes of some support and insight. I have just recently been diagnosed with Bipolar II and Obsessive Compulsive Anxiety Disorder. In approx. two weeks I am being put on a mood stabilizer to help with the Bipolar behaviors and also starting psychotherapy. However, I am already on an anti-anxeity medication as it is and that alone is not working. As I have been reading through some of the comments, it is so comforting to know that I am not alone and that other individuals are having the same thoughts and symptoms as I am. I work so hard at “masking” my thoughts and keeping them at bay but its very VERY difficult and as some have said..very exhausting. I feel like I am a walking “stress ball” all the time. Between the two, I feel like each are destroying my different ways..both socially and personally. My personaly relationships suffer as do my social surroundings. I feel like I am loosing hope but am trying so hard to help myself and my brain in overcoming these challenges. Can anyone offer some advice or tips please? I am feeling desperate ~ Thank you!

    • Samantha,
      I feel for you and I have so much to say but I will be very specific as to your anti anxiety meds.. If it is a benzodiazapene please please stay away from it. Read up on the meds doctors are giving you. Benzodiazpenes are highly addictive and many black box warnings say to be on them no longer than 4 weeks. One drug for instance is probably the most evil drug on the planet if taken for a long period of time.. If you can poosibly get off of it then you may have rebound anxiety which is worse than the anxiety that you started with and ther is something called benzodiazpene withdrwal syndrome.. Please read about this. I should know about it . I was put on Klonopin close to 15 years ago, tried to titrate twice and have been in agony for years. My last titrate was over a year long and when I got to 1/4 milligram I landed in the hospital and had to go back up. please look into what you are taking. read as much as you can about BP II . I have it also and I can tell you there is so much to understand and with a strong support system and a real psych doctor not a general practitioner and a good therapist and a wholesome diet and exercise and removing as many triggers from your life you can manage it. I was Bipolar II before there even was a name for it… I am 60 and still going.. I have no clue but I am a fighter, just like Natasha and the rest of us. I wish you peace.

      • Hello Michael,

        Thank you so much for your response. It means a lot. I am on Zoloft. I take 200mg daily and am at the max dosage for this particular medication according to my Dr. I am working on my current enviroment and surroundings to help eliminate as many “triggers” as I can. I struggle because my brain thinks of these ridiculious thoughts and then obsessive about them..constantly! The obsessions become stronger and stronger to the point at which I truly feel like I am going crazy and am not sure why or how to make it stop. I am seeking therapy and am starting a new medication in addition to my current one. Sigh. Does it get easier? Will I constantly feel a struggle in my life and with my personal relationships? I hope so very much for the light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you for your adivce Michael. All the best to you.

    • Hi Samantha – technology is hijacking me today :/ Myreply was posted up above in response to Ivis’ post instead of yours.

      • Hello David,

        For some reason the system would not allow me to respond to your most recent comment about goals and setting each day with a new goal of some kind to attain. With that being said, I wanted to mention to you, that I am currently doing just that! I just started it recently actually and really really enjoy it! It makes me feel good to acomplish something each day and lately it has been my physical fitness. It too, has really helped and it makes me feel good about myself! Thank you so much for the suggestion. Great minds think alike!! :)

        All the best,

        • Hi Samantha – it sounds like you’re already well on the way to owning and managing your situation.
          It’s an amazing thing when we commit to working with someone through their issues and not just taking the easy option of giving up and walking away: even better when we make that commitment to ourselves :)
          Keep up the positive proactive attitude!

  113. Can anyone help?? My daughter in law is bipolar .. She doesn’t allow our son to call or text us it’s been 7rs, now four grandchildren.. She gets mad if I talk to him, not so much my husband, but me. My son & I used to be so close. She keeps saying she don’t trust us, and now won’t let us have grandchildren overnite, only couple hrs.. But we have no relationship with our son anymore!! Giving up so lost… Son goes along with whatever he’s told to do.. Even turning on us as well

  114. Hi my name is AnnMarie and I have bipolar disorder I was in a relationship and i say was because my boyfriend couldn’t take it anymore and has moved on and I destroyed it and I am aware that I destroyed my relationship I met him a year and four months ago and I fell instantly in love with him he was everything I’ve ever wanted in a man and I was paranoid accused him of cheating cheating on me I

  115. I really like this blog. There are some smart bi-ps out there. Eloquent, too. I don’t care what everyone says, we’re awesome. It has been a help and a comfort to me to know there are people who understand. Natasha, is there a place on this blog where it is appropriate to pose random bi-p related questions? I have a lot of them and don’t want to hijack a conversation (like this :/ )?

    My attempt to un-hijack: I’ve got the OCD something fierce. At the moment, I have an issue with lighters. I don’t want to get into but I need them all. I also sort of have only been watching one tv show for the past….oh, two years and I think about it constantly. Also, I kind of have only been listening to one song for the past 6 months. I seem to be able to channel my obsessions into these comparatively benign areas. It wasn’t a conscious decision, maybe it’s a subconscious survival tactic or something.

    I hope today has been a good one for everyone! Cheers!

  116. Hi, I have a question about bipolar disorder.
    I’ve had some mood swings and severe ones… A lot of moments made me think that I may have this disorder… But, I am only 15 and I am very worried. I didn’t talk about it to anyone and I don’t want my parents to know. How can I be sure about it? Can a psychologist tell me?

    Please reply to this comment, I really need help and I am afraid to talk about that to my friends and family..

    • Hi. first of all not sure why one to one to tell your parents about your thoughts and about the possibility you may or may not have a bipolar? It is nothing to be scared off.. it is nothing to be ashamed of have it?? so you have it. Big deal
      if the issue is going to be narrowed down to taking a pill or two every day so let it be.

      at least when the moods start swinging people that are around you and those who cares for you would understand why .. otherwise you’re going to leave people in the dark not knowing anything and begin to look at you differently due to your behavior. Do you want people to have the wrong assumption about you?

      See a psychatriest. No big deal. Perhaps you dont even have it.

    • Hi Olivia,

      Yes a psychologist (not just a counsellor) may be able to help you, but the best person to make a diagnosis is a psychiatrist. To access a psychiatrist, you likely have to go to you family doctor first.

      No matter what you choose though, get help and get a diagnosis. You can get better but you need to reach out for help first. (And, yes, 15-year-olds absolutely can have bipolar disorder. You are not alone in that.)

      – Natasha Tracy

  117. Recently I’ve been struggling to understand the thing about myself that this very article illuminates. I’ve been told so often that I engage in obsessive, negative and catastrophising thoughts. I’ve tried to understand and find out if the obsessive thoughts in particular are part of bipolar (even asked my psychiatrists) with no answer provided. This article is EXACTLY how I thinl, what I struggle with on a daily basis. It makes it very difficult for those I love and who love me to continue a relationship with me. Yesterday I had somewhat of an ephipany after someone repeated, almost word-for-word what others have said about me. Then I realised, sometimes people are talking to me, at other times (when I’m at my worst) they are TALKING TO MY BIPOLAR. Though I cannot control my bipolar voice I can, perhaps, stop making others listen to it. This isn’t possible when I’m manic but I think may be possible when I am depressed. My hope is that this will make it easier on those I love and will make them want to be with me and will prevent me from pushing them away. This is a further aspect of my fight against the illness but one that I am prepared to commit to achieving, my life depends on it.

    • Please see if you have a Nami Office nearby.. They have sessions for family of people with Bipolar maladies. Was very helpful for me. If you can also find a support group that would help.. I wish you peace.

      • I’m in the UK so no NAMI, our MH services are stretched to the limit. Support groups are few and far between. The closest one is too far for me to travel and is in the afternoon as are similar NHS services. I am high functioning despite the severity of my illness and such afternoon groups are not suitable for someone who works I’m afraid.

  118. I just wanted to say thank you for this. I actually stumbled upon your site while IN THE MIDST of an absolute flippin’ knock-down, drag-out bout with the corner of the bathroom floor, enjoying a lovely morning in the fetal position obsessively thinking about how being curled up in the corner of the bathroom heralded my DOOOM, which is obscenely unpleasant, so maybe if I curl up here . . . Anyhoo. You get the idea — rinse and repeat. Just another bipolar day at the office. Seeing your post made me feel a lot less alone, at a moment when that was just what I needed. Godspeed!

  119. Hello there, thank you for this article. I stumbled upon this whilst looking for ways to understand how someone very close to me, who has bi polar, is thinking. We have a good friendship but it can be challenging – this helps me to understand my friend and for me not to take things too personally. I love this person very much and its important to me, to keep a good friendship going. So, thank you – it’s been helpful :)

  120. Omg thank you so much for this article this is exactly how I think. I especially don’t have a clue what is normal thinking and always feel like im alone or not part of society and feel extremes . I just want to be normal. I have to ask friends if I am acting ok today. In a euphoric phase I broke up with the love of my life only to realize I made a discussion when I was feeling high and arrogant and I’ve ruined my family! I’m devestated he’s moved on but I obsess over the loss and feel extreme guilt I can’t seem to get over. Anyway thank U maybe I don’t feel so one now since I feel exactly what U wrote so guess I really have to accept I am bi polar for real.

    • hi Lezley – welcome! They’re a good bunch here and I’ve learned heaps about bipolar here that has made my life as a non-bipolar person a lot easier now that I understand better some of the challenges faced.

      Just out of curiousity, how long was it before you realised that you had made a mistake?
      Were you still in that euphoric phase or had you moved into a depression or just a normal state of mind?

      • Hi David I realized shortly after bit thought I was having cold feet so kept going thru with it. I felt good at the time for a bit and cycled back and forth high and low then mostly lows. It was 6 years ago and quite frankly I should have moved on but I got involved right away with a man who was unavailable but tried to make it work out i obsessed about it for years trying to wait and be happy knowing one day I would be ok. This stress for 6 years triggered me so badly I didn’t know who I wanted my ex or the Unavailable man. Two weeks ago after waiting and going crazy causing myself a lot of pain he went back to his ex. I’m devestated but not so much about him more about how maybe I was covering up dealing with my separation. Now im messed up and see it all as me acting out of emotions and making decisions im wrong direction however maybe was right? I never know what’s normal or how I feel but mostly low and hypo mania not full blown. My career and family suffers cuZ of my moods. Does that answer your question?

        • Lezley – thank you so much for taking the time and being brave enough to talk openly about something that has clearly been a really difficult situation for you. You’re right – we never know what could have happened if we had tried a different approach, so it doesn’t do any good to dwell on it.

          Onwards and upwards :)

          And I think you are spot on: acting out of emotions and making decisions in the wrong direction doesn’t help. It’s hard enough living this life without things like bipolar throwing a spanner in the works but ironically it seems that logic is the biggest friend for controlling responses to bipolar emotions and yet the hardest to adopt.

          Again – thank you for sharing and I wish you all the best – stay smilie and keep reaching out for help, support and understanding :)

  121. This is exactly how I have been feeling last 9 months. I am 36. I wouldn’t say I lived a normal life but decent though. I was raised abroad. Moved to US at 22. Until last year I had a decent job. nice car, always independent. Most of my jobs, my managers told me that I worked in spurts. One moment very productive, others distracted. I was very social, had a lot of friends. I started drinking at 27. When the trigger happened, I was drinking 8 drinks a night.

    I met her last March, dated couple of months and have been on a downward spiral ever since. Someone said triggers are subtle. I have been to 20+ cities, for one night or more in last 9 months. Constantly running. A family friend who is a psychiatrist recently diagnosed me with Bipolar 2. Have been in self denial. I drink, sober up, move then drink., mostly hotels. Seek attention. Thinking I can fix it, Have not felt happy in 9 months. I have alienated lot of friends and family. Isolated myself. I am not really suicidal. I cant do it,. Is there hope? I keep reading these posts with people needing meds all their lives. Constant change to cocktail. Does it get any better? All my life I looked for love and the closest thing that resembled love unraveled me. Will I be able to love ever? Will I ever have a functional life?

    • Hi Andy :) I just came across you’re comment after reading this article
      and I felt in my heart that I just had to reply.
      To be honest, on the surface I have just about nothing in common
      with you: I’m a 17 yr old girl who doesn’t have bipolar disorder.
      I was curious about this disorder because I just can’t
      understand how someone feels on a daily basis. My mind is completely
      different, and that’s ok, we’re all different. But one thing we
      do have in common is we’ve both looked for love before and we’ve both
      felt hopeless before. I’m here to tell you there is someone
      who loves you and understands what you’re going through and someone
      who is the definition of hope. And that dude’s name is Jesus.
      I am so imperfect, I make mistakes, I’m human just like you.
      I have sooo many flaws, I can’t even count. I used to feel like
      no one could ever understand what I felt and that my life had
      no meaning, I even felt like killing my self in middle school! But life
      does have meaning. God has a purpose for you, He loves you so much
      Andy, that He sent His only son down to die, in order to redeem us,
      make us whole, heal us, give us hope, happiness, joy, courage, victory,
      and unimaginable love. I know it’s hard to wrap your head around, and I
      know this sounds awkward coming from a teenager, and I know you might
      be feeling like you want to stop reading this, but please stick with me
      Andy. I’ve never met you, but I know you are special, you are
      uniquely made. You have your weaknesses, and to be honest, when I
      realized and accepted my weaknesses, I realized that I needed help
      in life. I need someone to look to. I’m a control freak and it is
      the greatest comfort in the world to know that God is in control.
      That He has a plan for each and everyone of us. That He has an
      awesome purpose for your life and mine. That He knows your thoughts,
      your dreams, and every single hair on your head.
      I honestly don’t know what you’re thinking about all this, but I hope this
      message offered you some comfort and assurance. Please don’t hesitate
      to contact me if you have any questions or just simply want someone to
      talk to: OR my blog:

      -Sophia :)

      • I take offense to the post… If you want to sell religion please sell it elsewhere.. Just one question.. Why cant god balance his checkbook?

      • it is offensive to preach here.
        churches are a good source of mental illnesses with all those fire brimstone and demons.

  122. Hi :) just wanted to say that this article has really made me feel a bit better . I was diagnosed last year with bipolar 2 . I was 19 at the time . It is really hard for people to understand what this illness is really like … And sometimes people understand and support you … Sometimes they don’t . I never knew I had this illness until last year . For years I had a feeling inside me that I wasn’t normal like other people . I knew that this wasn’t normal . I really went through the most tough year of my life last year . It was about this time when I tired to commit suicide it was terrible . I pushed away everyone in my life at the end . But also tired to restore friendships , said sorry to people I’ve hurt in my life . I wanted to go with the thought that I will leave with peace … Well it didn’t work and I survived . I Went on medication and was in a rehab for 3 weeks where they really helped me . To say this the feeling never goes away . That emptyness you sometimes have … But if you have a good support system and just use the medication it helps … Someone once told me that you are at the bottom of low in your life and you know it can’t get any worse than this so? It can only get better … You can start to regain yourself. I’m working on it everyday .
    All that matters is everyone that has this illness should know they are not alone … Namaste <3
    Love from South Africa

    • Is it at all empowering to say to yourself that one requires medication because you don’t like how you’re functioning? I don’t analyse what people do or try to contradict them, but I don’t get on the band wagon just because a doctor or nurse tells me there’s something wrong with me, and then hands me a bottle of pills, thank you very much

  123. @john
    my medication seems to work i still have intrusive thoughts and manic moments but
    is no where as bad as it was im on 300 quietepine and 40mg fluoxetine
    quietepine at night and the fluoxetine in the morning

  124. Does anyone know the name of the disorder or phobia where a person thinks things are being said about them
    but nothing is actually being said?

  125. Thank you for your reply’s. People who have never met me have said more positives in a few lines than most of the people I know. Now I know I’m not alone.

    Thank you, Thank you.

    Peace & Respect, wherever you are.


  126. I have a bi-polar disorder, I have suicidal thoughts almost constantly…I even dream about it. I’m TIRED, so very tired. I don’t have many friends, people keep me at arms length. Trying to explain these thoughts to someone is impossible. I have med’s (quetiapine 300mg) that I take everyday. I’m tired of taking pills, but on the plus side, without them I wouldn’t be here to write this. I can’t sit down and do ‘nothing’, every-time I start something, I always feel like I should be doing something else. No one comes to my home, my phone never rings, the things I ‘love’ I don’t get any enjoyment from any more. Not sure how much longer I can keep this up. I have asked repeatedly for help through my GP, So far I have been waiting 2 years for some real help. I don’t know what to do any more and I’m actively planning a really stupid thing.

    • If you are not seeing a psych doctor I highly suggest you do.. General practitioners aren’t trained in the field and can cause more harm than good.

      • Hello Michael – I just wanted to say that you matter, your life matters. Please see a mental health pro – reach out and keep reaching until you get the help you need.

    • Please don’t plan a really stupid thing! Especially not suicide! If it were time for you to go God would have come and taken you by now. Don’t worry about people. I think people are afraid of what they know nothing about plus i think there is a stigma associated with mental illness.

      Keep seeking help in support groups and sites like this one and I pray God send you true friends that love you the way you are. You are welcome to e-mail me…Ill even ring your phone if you want. : )

    • Hi John,

      Many of us have been in the situation you’re describing. I’ve written about it, in fact, many times:

      Perhaps an idea for you might be to join a support group. Support groups are great places to meet people that _will_ understand you. And, over times, they become your friends and a healthy outlet for your feelings.

      What I’m saying is, it doesn’t have to be the way you’re describing it. Things do change — especially if we make an effort. You can do that. Just Google the support groups in your area and start there. Take a friend with you to one if you’re nervous. Contact the organizer and meet with him/her ahead of time.

      Bipolar sucks, no doubt, but it’s worth fighting.

      – Natasha Tracy

    • hi John – there IS light at the end of the tunnel :)

      It’s great that you’re on medication but that’s just part of the winning formula: next you need to swap your GP for a psychologist / therapist who specialises in mental health.

      Also try to find group therapy (your GP / psychologist / therapist should be able to put you in contact with the right people) – this will help you to expand your circle of friends and also to find other people who understand and empathise with what you’re going through. The reality in life is that none of us are ever facing a problem that thousands of others haven’t already faced before – so there’s comfort in knowing that you’re not alone and there are proven strategies, techniques and tools to help you get through this :)

      It probably all sounds a bit daunting at first but all of the forums seem to echo the same advice: don’t fight it, just trust that if you do the above then you’ll be in a far better position to manage your situation.

      Natasha has created a great network of people here so do keep coming back with questions and keep us posted with how you get on.


    • For what its worth, your entry here is one i couldve written myself…. guess that indicates neither of us are alone.

  127. I’m so glad I found this blog because I finally feel like I’ve found someone else who understands all the static that I feel like I have buzzing around in my head on a daily basis!
    I’m a 21-year-old college student in my junior year dealing with…I’m not quite sure what, honestly. I was hospitalized in November of last year for suicidal ideations and self harm, and before that I was predominately being treated for recurrent depression. It was around that time, though, that I started thinking I had bipolar disorder instead of just on-and-off unipolar depression. The doctors in the hospital seemed to agree, but they never really told me what type I would be leaning towards or if it was even true. I left the hospital with a diagnosis of MD-NOS and it’s a little disheartening, to be honest. A little disheartening and a lot confusing. My depression has come and gone for years, but in between were periods of energy and doing extremely well and being so productive! After my first major depressive episode, the semester directly afterwards I got the highest GPA I’ve ever gotten in college to date. Since then, though, it’s been very up and down with lots of medication changes…
    But then again it’s like saying that this is confusing doesn’t even do it justice because I’m so sure I’m bipolar! No one on campus or at home is really guiding me either, as much as I hate to say it. They avoid the question or make it seem like the label has no meaning or that my scattered (often forgotten) thoughts have nothing to do with this. Granted, my therapist told me that I have serious anxiety problems, but it seems like they go hand-in-hand with bipolar at times. I’m also involved in LGBTQIA+ politics on campus and identify myself within that community as well, so labels are kind of important to me when I’m trying to help myself succeed in the world haha. Without this label and without a place to start, I feel like I’m lost and floundering around in the dark (and light?) with lots of loud staticky thoughts (or thoughts being buried by a heavy darkness??).
    I don’t know what to do and it’s scaring me because this is seriously affecting my relationships with my friends and family, along with affecting my academics and how I see myself. I’ve been obsessing over this for weeks, now, and I’ve been irritable and too energetic for my own good. I keep forgetting everything I’m supposed to do during the school day and I feel like my friends think I’m ignoring them or pushing them away on purpose…

    Does anyone have any reassuring advice or any ways to try and get some answers? I know nothing solid comes immediately and brain stuff doesn’t always play nice with being persistent, but I’m so sick of not having anyone to talk to who understands me and I’m so sick of being alone and lost.

  128. ive never posted on anything like this before, and never thought it had any point, but as i sit here, i realize i dont know anyone else with this condition… but moreso, it seems to resonate so differently for different people. i question daily if i even have this. especially because as of the past few years, bipolar has been some kind of catch phrase or as if its sexy or something, in the ignorant mainstream. i want a lot of questions answered, but i want to know the true for-sure answers… can i lose the 40 pounds i gained due to meds? do you gain the weight because of the drug directly or because you change eating habits? ive been on meds so long, i dont even know what life is like without them, so this drugged up version of myself is all i know, and thus idk what’s what. i know i am lazy, but always because im too depressed, im worried if i get out and about ill be overcome with anxiety, and so i dont even like the word lazy. its more lethargic. im tired all of the time, which i think is my seroquel but again im so used to it that i have no idea what things would be like without it. im sick of wondering, all the times wondering. im tired of everything. most of my life ive spent not wanting to live. does this ever get any better, for more than a few days? unfortunately i dont even get to enjoy this manic side – my meds do keep a handle on that, so my mania typically shows itself in anxiety and insomnia and obsessing over chores. seriously, what is, if there is, the point to living a life that looks like the one im describing? im probably not even bipolar, just using it as an excuse to explain my disdain for life. many days im living for my family – i know my death would break them. but what is life worth if its not something you necessarily want for yourself? there is no upside to this. i am managing this nonsense, i think, but this is what me managing it looks like. so few things give me pleasure. most days i spend just trying to get through them, trying to kill time as safely as possible… and then i self-medicate with drugs and hate myself even more. this is the cycle of my life. each day i anticipate the worst of the next day. im afraid to go to sleep at night because im afraid when i wake up, ill feel worse, or will just have to wake up and do this whole stupid cycle again. as far as most people know, im fine. i dont want to burden anyone, so i sit and lay with this day after miserable day. is being able to sleep next to a loving partner, and enjoying vacations, and restaurants, enough? its all i can hold onto, or rely on as a constant positive. idk why im writing this. honestly, i think i want someone to tell me im right about how miserable i am, and to encourage me to step out on a life lived in this manner.

    • hi Leila,

      one thing that I’ve noticed in general with life: those having more fun are the ones with an objective linked to something they love doing. It might simply be that you love flying kites, or that you love walking through forests, mountain-biking, drawing / painting art – or simply going to exhibitions to look at someone else’s … or even just playing the next xbox game to be released.

      The key thing is to find something that gives you joy and focus on that. Every morning, wake up with the intention of incorporating it into your day.

      With or without mental illness, we have to look to ourselves to find our source of happiness :)

      So long as it doesn’t become an unhealthy obsession that interferes with your ability to work and pay the bills, it’s all good :)

      Good luck and try to stay positive: you’ve made it this far, fight the good fight and don’t let yourself be beaten. You’re not alone :)

      • Thank you david. Really, thank you. I didnt think i cared if anyone replied to me, but then realized i did when i saw your message. HAS ANYONE HERE HAD ECT? i just had an ect session on thursday. Seems to have lifted the depression so now im more troubled by my returning anxious agoraphobia. I hope, and cant wait, to get to a place where i can reply as u did for me – david. Being a self depricating woe is me type person isnt attractive. As always, thnx for sharing your EXPERIENCE STRENGTH AND HOPE.

        • Some years ago, I was given 52 ECT treatments, that , in truth I doubt I needed. Please get a second opinion. Please study this procedure carefully. I have no memory of the best years of my life. I do not intent to imply that this will happen to you, or that ECT won’t help you. I saw the geriatric population benefit by far the most. I have not heard of only one treatment. However, I am not a mental health professional. Best of luck. Helen

  129. Hi I am a 32 year old mother of two. I am currently under the care of a psychiatrist and a therapist. Presently I am diagnosed with three disorders ADD/ADHD, Anxiety and Panic Disorder, and Depression. I have been the way I am my whole life that I can remember. My symptoms consist of episodes of euphoria then at times I spiral opposite into severe cycles of depression. Racing thoughts, hyperactivity, constant axiety. Then I go through periods of wanting to sleep way too much to needing a few hours sometimes. I do not trust easily and at many stages in my life I had alot of paranoia. Seems though the paranoia has subsided over the past 5 years. I am most days physically and emotionally exhausted. Emotionally I understand but I sit and know things have to be done, and I just turn gears in my head again and again and get little done. No energy despite eating well taking vitamins and doing the best I can. I struggle as a single mother financially, emotionally, daily. I let things that are completely out of my control consume my mind. Worry,worry, over things that are beyond my control, but despite the fact I can’t change them, I am constantly trying to change these things. I agree that I fall into the seemingly wide gap of people with this disorder (if I do have it) that say they are hard to live with. I never got married. For some reason I just never wanted to lose my control. Seems safe to say there is a control factor I have to maintain to feel moderately secure. Does this ring a bell with anyone else? I have always been outspoken, independent, and loud and proud lol. I’m going to bring these things up with my doctor at next visit. Seems things have changed chemically with me since I had my first child. Always had the anxiety hyperactivity and other symptoms but seem compounded more with age. There is a lot more going on with me then I have blogged here but I want people’s opinions, responses, etc. on this. Another thing I already tried the no medication route and that is absolutely not an option. Anybody got any insight that may help me?

    • I want to tell everyone how my husband finally got out of this pit of bipolar and started making real progress. When you get the bipolar diagnosis, its almost like the medical industry writes you off as “managed with medicine” for the rest of your life. Yet we realized he had Complex-PTSD (google it), due to a whole bunch of childhood trauma. We told so many practitioners about this trauma, and none of them realized, huh, maybe that’s significant and should be treated. When we decided to focus his treatment on the C-PTSD, he started making progress in leaps and bounds. He is doing EMDR (google that) 2x per week. Its covered by insurance. And it works really, really well. There are a number of treatments shown to help PTSD. Neurofeedback, hypnotherapy, and especially EMDR. And these are permanent improvements. If you are diagnosed bipolar but also have had trauma (physical, sexual or emotional abuse, or other very traumatic events) in your past, I implore you to talk to a counselor/therapist/clinicla social worker/psychologist about EMDR or other Evidence-Based treatments for processing and integrating past trauma. I say evidence-based because the medical literature is full of strong evidence of the permanent benefits of this treatment. He is still on meds but down from 4 to 2, and at lower doses. Meds should not be the only answer.

      • Anna – that’s such awesome news – really glad that your husband is progressing so well, both for him and for you :)
        What you say does make a lot of sense when you consider that one of the strong lines of thinking is that bipolar is triggered by emotional trauma.
        It’s true, mental disorders are not understood nearly fully enough so any extra approaches that have been observed to help can only be a good thing :)
        Thank you so much for sharing this – extra food for thought :)
        I hope your husband’s progress continues – please post updates.

      • Anna.
        I also have complex PTSD but also severe bp where I cycle sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. My therapist wants me to do EMDR but I am very hesitant. I had too much trauma which I disassociated from and dont really want to bring it back up. I have enough issues with the BP and GAD and complex ptsd. I am 60. I just want to stay stable and I believe the triggers from my childhood would be too much too handle.

        • Hi Michael,
          The concerns you voice, about not wanting to be re-traumatized, are exactly what held my husband back for months. Of course then we he fell out of his stable period and his life disintegrated yet again, he tried EMDR. He and I were both very happily surprised. Its actually designed specifically not to re-traumatize you. They don’t make you relive memories in detail. They basically tell you to select a memory of a trauma, and then walk you into it just a little bit. Then you switch your attention away from the story and to how you feel in your body, like, my chest is tight. So then they tell you to concentrate on the tightness in your chest, and they do the EMDR. I’ve sat in on several sessions, and also done a couple myself. Sometimes they do it with little paddles in your hands that vibrate, moving from one to another. Sometimes they use a stick with a blue thing on the end of it, and move it back and forth and you follow it with your eyes. Also, there is a box with LED lights that light up and you look at them. So basically, they say, okay stay with that tightness in your chest feeling, and then they move the stick back and forth like 10 or 12 times (or the lights in the box move back and forth). And then you stop and give your observation, maybe tell one more line of the story, and do it again.

          At the start my husband would say things like, no not that memory, that one is too bad; or I don’t think I can handle that one. But each time he has tried it, by the end of the session (30 or 40 minutes) he said he feels so much better. He is just laughing and smiling and in a good mood when we walk out. That is in contrast to times when he’s been in therapy, confided about some past traumatic event, and then later in the day just went nuts. Nothing like that has ever happened with the EMDR. It seems to lay the memory to rest, and then all the symptoms associated with it just lose their hold on him. So the crazy rage out of the blue is just about gone. The constant daily shifts between manic energy and dark negativity have dampened to the point of being easy to manage.

          I hope this can help to let you know what to expect. Its definitely worth doing one session to see what you think about it. I think the most important thing is to do it with a therapist who really understands and believes in you, and who is skilled in EMDR beyond just a course or two. I was also pleased that our HMO covers EMDR, as does the VA. That’s because it has a proven track record in the medical literature.

          • Anna
            Thank you kindly for your response. I am on the fence but I will talk more to the therapist. My insurance does not cover it, either and I have spent so much money almost 6 figures over the years between psych docs and therapists with an incomplete diagnosis and I am gun shy if you know what I mean. Plenty of therapists out there that aren’t worth their salt. I will investigate more. Again.. Thank you.

  130. Hello! I am from India,24 years old girl with bipolar.I liked this blog. Have been trying to find something like this from so long. I have been dying to listen to people like me, to know about how they feel, how i should feel.

    Currently, i am dealing with a personality trouble. I hope someone could help me out? or atleast point me to a way?

    I am lazy. Very very lazy. I have motivation and plans but I never follow them. I never get up early, never keep promises, never on time, don’t study well, no schedule, no exercise, physically attracted to men other than my boyfriend, no work and the list continues. I know consequences of my “Not doing things on time or not doing at all”. When I am sleeping till late, I talk to myself constantly, telling all the pros and cons but still, I don’t get up. If I get up that day, next day same history repeats. I may be in any mood- high or low, this thing remains the same.
    have tried all the determination , motivation tricks, books for habits and all and I am tired of thinking now.
    In short, I have realization of things but I don’t act upon them and then get frustrated,then guilty then depressed and then suicidal then next day shameless and then again the cycle continues.
    What is wrong with me? What is that minute point I am missing and hence messing my life up?
    I have discussed this many times with my doc. What he tells me, motivates me and works for a day or two. Then same things start again.
    Please help me? I am tired of this fruitless stagnated life.

    • hello, i am 19 years old from india,some of the things u said are happening to me also ,i have been very depressed
      if i not follow my schedule(studies and attendance in college). there is always race of thoughts going through my mind ,they are always there. Sometimes i make plans of future and become more carrier oriented.I make promises to myself that i shall follow,but if i don’t i get depressed. I haven’ t seen any doctor till now coz i haven’t had any severe maniac episode.But the thought that i may be bipolar is making me more bipolar.There is so much obsession towards things. Am i making sense , am i bipolar ?

      • hello Eeshday and Hitesh – glad that you were able to find Natasha’s blog. I’m not sure what the medical support is like in India but Natasha’s blog is worth it’s weight in gold and will no-doubt help you to understand yourself and your condition better – and hopefully manage your life better :)

        The general advice seems to be to make sure that you get the right medication, coupled with psycho-therapy and lifestyle choices (i.e. good behavioural patterns such as exercise, sleep, things that remove stress and also things that increase your sense of achievement and well-being). And, of course, research, research, research! But don’t over-analyse everything – a lot of us forget that even the most ‘normal’ of people are quite screwed up in the head too!

        Good luck, stay positive, be strong and don’t be afraid to ask for help :)

        • can u tell me that is obsession a sign for bipolar . i mean sometimes i get so much obsessed towards things(carrier, football ,music) . Right now i am obsessed with thought of being bipolar. its just like u cant control your mind , you cant find peace .

          • I think obsession is a huge part of bipolar. It is for me anyway, I’m constantly obsessed with one thing or another. At times I can be obsesses with a couple of things at the same time. If I’m not obsessed I feel like something is missing. Do you have access to a therapist and psychiatrist?

            • Helen, I just found this site. Lots of good questions & comments. The repetitive thoughts, obsessive thinking seems to come along with being bipolar. I was finally diagnosed correctly a year ago, and I’m on both lithium and Ritalin. Its a challenging life to have this!

            • Hi JD,

              It can be challenging. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 48 years old. I was used to living this way. With the meds it just felt like all the joy was taken out of my life and there was no excitment. I stopped my meds the first week of September. Things have been ok. I see a therapist every 2 weeks so someone keeps an eye on me. My psychiatrist had a baby so I haven’t seen her in a couple of months. I wish she would come back – I have questions – mostly from reading this blog. Keep reading the blog – great info here. Good Luck!

  131. Was wondering if anyone can help me out understanding my ex-husband /father of my kids. My ex husband whom i am currently dating suffers from bipolar. He is 39 years old. We meet when he was 18. I have always loved him dearly. We had a tough marriage. He drank all time and had 1 affair that i know of. I eventually divorced him because i couldnt let my kids see him that way. After being divorced for 3 years. We recently started dating and moved in together. I was affraid to let him in because if it didnt work out, i didnt want to hurt the kids again. I thought we would try again because he stopped drinking and found a new hang out at the gym. Everything was going great for the past four months. He showed so much love for me. All of a sudden he decided he needed to move out. I was devastated. I thought we were so happy. Then i found out he had become friends with other woman and was feeling tempted. O noticed he started feeling extremely good about himself with working out and all . He moved out of our home and got his own apartment. the very next day he came back crying to me because he wanted his family back. I love him more than anything and I want him to be happy I told him I will be more involved with medications and support groups. however I do see that relationships can be an issue with people with bipolar. He does have a good heart. Does anyone think this temptation is due to the bipolar? Thanks!

    • hi Christina,

      sorry to hear you’re going through this rollercoaster of emotions – all I can suggest is be true to yourself and do what is best for you.

      It does sound as if your ex-husband may be shifting from a hypomanic phase to depression (with regards increased self-esteem, increased energy, being able to plan a new apartment, hyper-sexuality and attraction to this other woman, making what might not be the best judgement call and moving out, etc., … and then realising his mistake and returning upset and depressed). However, you can’t blame everything on bipolar. Maybe he’s just not happy with you.
      But I would also question the character and honesty of someone who goes to that level of planning without giving you the slightest inclination that he’s unhappy.

      Many of us seem to fall into the trap of being too accommodating towards our bipolar partners so I’d suggest that you do what you feel is the best for the happiness of you and your children. If he can get onboard with that then great. If not, don’t let him hold you back and ruin your life: you only have 1 life – how much of that do you want to spend unhappy?

      Just my $0.02 – hope it helps.

  132. This is a fantastic article. I was diagnosed at age 48 I am now 51. After trying different meds for 3 years they finally convinced me to take Lithium. That was a Hugh mistake. I gained 30 lbs in 3 months, my thyroid got screwed up along with other things. The worst part is that they never got the lithium up to a therapeutic level – finally I was taking 1200mg a day. I stopped taking my meds in September . I’ve decided to try this without meds. It’s been ok so far. On November 13 I came out of a manic episode that had lasted for 5 months. I was exhausted. I feared depression was on its way – especially with winter approaching. I’m ok so far. I do have a small team(3) of pros who keep an eye on me. I’ve lived this way for so long – I don’t know any other way. Because I’m mostly manic & hypo sexual it seems ok to me since I usually feel so happy but I know this is dangerous. Can anyone relate?

      • Hello. I like to know if anyone here has tried to take (Lamictol) instead of Lithium?
        I noticed the difference when my beautiful woman started to take it. Not a lot of fogginess. She was up and running around feeling much better. Taking care of chores as normal as it could be. Which lamictol is much milder -supposeldy- than Lithium product.

        Sure, she decided that she’s good now and does not need to take anything anymore. She stopped it cold turkey. 2 weeks oe so she began cycling and rapid cycling till she hit her hights of the Euphoria and what have you comes with it from chaos, attacking her loved ones with accusations, calling police, etc.

        however, while she was on it, she was as beautiful as any princess could be and more.

            • I’m ok Sami K. When I came down from that manic episode I was afraid I was going to get depressed so I started exercising. Been keeping up with it and I feel ok. Thank you.

            • I am on Lamictal and even my hair plugs are falling out. Try and titrate off of that without going through hell if you have been on it for a long time.

        • Hey there!
          I too tried lamictal and got same results as you mentioned. But very soon my tendancy of being lazy overcame and you may guess what followed. However, i didnt stop medication. I am still on it from past 5-6 months and i am quite stable. not very active but not sleepy either.

          My suggestions to your beautiful lady would be, “Sweetheart, never stop medications without asking your doc. Aceept it that for a certain period of life, you have to take them. what if you had sugar? wouldnt you have taken the pills lifelong? consider this the same kind..and accept the medication as part of life. dont stop them and dont stop making wonders in your life..Gud luck :)”

        • I took Lamictal for years–off and on for six years. I had really good results when I first started taking it, but eventually my dose got up to around 400mg and it was making me manic. The only side effect I noticed was a lose of memory at higher doses. I was always careful to gradually increase and decrease, so I never had any problems with the rash.

  133. So, to all of you I am sending love and hope. I could…and may someday…write a book about my journey on this crazy bi-polar road. I am unbelievably blessed with my support system and my doctors and therapist. I am currently on what seems to be MY magical medication cocktail. We shall see! The thing about medication for me is that it can change it’s mind any time it feels like it! I’m 50…have been married to my best friend and soul mate for 28 years…I have two entirely incredible children ages 25 (beautiful daughter) and 27 (handsome son)…my daughter has 3 beautiful girls ages 11 mos., 4yrs., and 7yrs. Yes, it sounds like I have it made in the shade! And to be honest, I couldn’t be in a better situation with all the positives in my life! I held it together really well for the past few months….my 11mo. old grandaughter is recovering from open heart surgery in which 2 holes in her heart were patched! Amazing recovery and she is just so smart and funny and pretty and brave! Quite a little bad-ass! She inspires me! At the same time, I have had several meltdowns and horrible, dark thoughts about the what-ifs as she went into surgery. I miss my husband terribly as I have been with my daughter and the girls out of state for 3mos. I have only ever been away from my hubby for an extended time when he was deployed to Iraq for a year. I’m feeling so guilty about leaving soon, but am elated to know I’ll see my hubby soon! These are normal thought processes but I have not had a great record in the rational thought process for a really long time! Anyway, I am currently doing okay but we know that could all change in a millisecond! I am very pro-active about treatment and therapy and am diligent with my meds. That being said, I still struggle with daily tasks and can no longer work and so often have blinders on about my behaviors and moods. My husband and children must have the patience of Job! I am actually surprised that they even acknowledge me…much less love and support me the way they do! I was just such a loose cannon and would have everyone walking on egg shells and was such an awful, crazed bitch! I hated how I felt and I hated how I made everyone around me miserable! I knew at a very early age how mental illness could affect people. My mother attempted suicide at the age of 27. She was diagnosed with manic depression and unfortunately chose to self medicate with drugs and alcohol instead of taking prescribed meds. She was very self destructive and was in unhealthy relationships. I swore I’d never allow myself to be unhappy like she was…and BAM! I was as unhappy as she was, if not more so! I have never been suicidal but damn, I was self destructive and the ups were great and the downs were EPIC! I literally was fully functioning on 5 mg. zanex daily due to my anxiety. I literally picked at my flawless, beautiful face until blood was dripping onto the bathroom counter…I was so bad about it that I ended up in the ER several times due to infection. I watched my daughter cry as she begged me to stop picking, and the sadness in my son’s eyes, and the heartbreak in my husband’s eyes. Most of all, I felt that I was “getting the bad out of me”. I broke my own heart and still struggle with picking to this day. Horrifying! And just so stupid! I hate the self destructive part of myself! As I write, I’m just amazed that I can even look at myself in the mirror without screaming! What a waste! Ok…so I’m starting to get in the dark zone now! More later!

    • WOW! – CONGRATULATIONS on the 28 year marriage – and the healthy family too – that’s a huge achievement in anybody’s books! :) Life is hard enough without ‘unexpected surprises’ such as bipolar being thrown into the mix. Great to see that although you’ve had your fair share of dark moments, the light still brings you through. As a great man once said … “All you need is love” – it sounds like you and your family have plenty of that. Thanks for sharing – great to hear a success story :)

  134. Another thing,
    I almost constantly think that it’s my wife who has some issues.
    It’s becoming impossible to know what is real.
    Is it her? Me? Both? Did she become like this because of me? Or the other way round?
    I want to help her with some things which are in my opinion quite strangs sometinmes, getting upset real quick over stupid things, whilst I am normally (trying) to be the funny lighter guy, loosing up tense situations with a little joke, which sometimes backfires at me because I just can’t be serious, NEVER (her words).
    See my problem?
    Sometimes I want to get out of it (the relation, life) because just want to hurt anymore, and I just don’t want to hurt others anymore. Strangely it seems that it’s mainly my wife complaining about me. So, is it her? or it it just the fact that she is closest to me? Or that she spends the most time with me? Psychologist sais we both need counselling, relation therapy, maybe both individual, but the wife is not open to that, because 90% of the problems is my fault….. Dilemma I can’t get out of ….

  135. HI,

    thanks for the article. It’s the eternal question, do I or don’t I … And who are doctors to decide yes or no.
    ALso the question, if so many people suffer from it, is it a disease, or is it just evolution in mankind?
    I have been struggling with things for some years now, BPD ia an option, then again, psychologists claim that we all think we have all the mental illnesses because we all have a few characteristics that point to several mental conditions. However, I feel strongly that there is something wrong in my case. Sometimes I’m convinced, a day later, I’m convinced I’m not, which is a clear indication that it’s not normal. But then again, I don’t want to be boring normal. Another Question and thought, Artists I relate too, seem to have BPD, that can not be a coincidence. Jim Carrey, Trent Reznor, Kurt Cobain, Chester (LP). How come? It’s really striking. I love Jim Carrey’s crazyness, it’s something people usually don’t tolerate, ans he’s making a hell of a living with it, yet dealing with depression on a constant basis. It’s all really difficult to judge for yourself, and eve more if I let other people judge over me.
    I feel that I’m not the only one thinking about these this way … Hope I can be of help to some, maybe I’ll find some answers myself …..

  136. Hello,

    I don’t know whether I have bipolar disorder or I’m just being paranoid. I seem to have most of the characteristics of bipolar thoughts you describe in your post. I also have phases where I get very angry for no reason and I’m extremely excited/productive to the extent of feeling intense euphoria. But then, it just takes one night and I wake up the next day almost unable to move from feeling so depressed and hopeless. I’m so depressed that I’m always tired and I sometimes skip school because I just can’t get out of bed (which is unusual because I’m normally very ambitious and would never skip school even if I’m severely hungover after a night of drinking). I don’t want to tell anybody because I’m scared that people are just going to think I’m paranoid or seeking attention. I’m a psychology undergrad as well, so I’m even afraid that my psychiatrist is going to think that way…

  137. This post really struck me on a lot of points to an extent where I’m sure I’m a manic depressive now. I started suspecting it three years ago after I graduated high school. I’ve also been debating the possibility that I might be borderline too.

    I haven’t got any idea exactly how to approach this, so I’ll just say that I understand the symptoms you listed off completely: the feelings of loneliness, paranoia that often crosses over into an intense and absolute hatred for people (even people I’ve known for years aren’t safe, family and friends alike), obsessive cynicism which comes from that paranoia and general fear. On the other hand, I can be the exact opposite as well (and others have told me as much): charming, kind and caring, full of love, extremely funny. Like someone else said, it’s a very split existence– Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde– and I do my best to control it in order to do whatever it is I have to do or want to do as I go through my day.

    I can be plain cruel and decisive in how I choose to handle people (I can be a massive ass when I want to be and put people down, and this is something else which again others have told me about), or I can be very soft and sentimental (comforting people I like when they’re upset, remembering them on their birthdays, etc.). It depends on how I feel, and how I feel depends on what my personality is like at that present time. I’ve noticed my personality and feelings alternate back and forth between Jekyll and Hyde very quickly, several times in a day easily. I can feel elated one minute and optimistic about the future, and then something will happen or be said that changes my mood completely and causes me to feel angry and cynical the next or sad and hopeless.

    Interactions with other people don’t even have to be the cause of my mental swings. One of the biggest things I think that’s influencing them is my obsessiveness. I’m constantly analyzing and reanalyzing things other people have said and done, and I’m constantly changing my opinion about them based off what I’m concluding afterwards. People I liked earlier at the time when I was interacting with them I can suddenly hate and feel distrustful about. Again, this isn’t just limited to non-intimates; friends and family aren’t safe either.

    I don’t think all of this is genetic. The anxiety and worry I have certainly is, and I know that because these are things I’ve struggled with since I was a small child. Mood swings came with them, but it’s only been in the last few years that they’ve been so intense to the point where they’re happening repeatedly every single day. I’ve had a lot of problems with my family (genuine, not imagined; actual betrayals), and I’d imagine that’s probably been the aggravating cause.

    Lack of support is really the worst part about being this way. I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone about this because they won’t understand and won’t care. I know I should get help and find out conclusively what my problems are so I can start working on managing them, but there’s lots of complications that come with that too. Mental illnesses unfortunately have a massive social stigma attached to them for one thing.

    I’m not entirely sure what I’m going to do. I’m just curious to see if anyone has any suggestions. Reading the comments, it’s nice to know there’s a lot of other people out there in this world who feel similarly and have the same concerns too. It makes things feel less lonely.

    • I dont consider what I have is a mental illness , Its a brain disease and because ther are different types of bipoar disease we sometimes think that many of us can operate the same as other. The differences between bipolar 1 and 2 are substantial . How about people with this disease who cycle every day. Work for me is out of the question and has been for years, while other cna work. You are entering college I assume. There are many stressors ther and you will see how you handle them. Number 1 , have you been diagnosed with this disease. From what I read you are speculating and one should not self diagnose.. There may be underlying causes> do people understand. I have lost all friends and extended family because they don’t care to understand and even the one who make an effort find it difficult. My suggestion to you would be to get a complete checkup including bloodwork to see if ther are underlying causes and then if it subsists and or even gets worse you would need professional help and a support system of people who are in your shoes or have similar brain disease.We all read that it can take years to correctly diagnose bi-polar. I knew something was wrong with me but back when it became very obvious something was wrong with me it was called manic depression. You stated a massive ass when I want to be and put people down.. I dont even know when it is happening many times. Its to the point where I seclude myself from the world and I go out with my wife we have a code word for me to stop when she feels I am getting out of control.. Even with that I in n navy cases cant stop and remove myself from the situation. Each person’s experiences is unique to them. My suggestion to you is be mindful of what is happening and find out what some of your triggers are and you cant treat this in a vacuum as so many people do with booze and street drugs to deaden the pain. See if you have a local Nami or DBSA chapter and attend a few meetings. They have plenty information that would be helpful to you.

  138. Just reading through the posts, it does seem that relationships with bipolar people just don’t seem to work. Certainly there are lots of comments of people finally giving in and deciding it’s just not worth it.

    None of this is meant in a criticising way: purely observation.

    So, has anybody managed to find a way to lead a truly happy long term (like 20+ years) relationship with a bipolar person? If so, what do you think are the secrets to your success?

    • I have been bipolar odr close to 40 years. I have been married for over 20 years. Is the marriage successful. Depends on the definition. I read that there is a 90 percent divorce rate. Looks like I am in the minority. My wife has learned coping skills and has sought out therapy and has learned so much about this horrific disease that she pretty much understands that the person she married is no longer the person she is living with and has made adjustments. We still have many issues but she knows its how she views me that keeps her from leaving and I try to stay connected to the her and now because I cycle maybe 3 or 4 times per day which is a Jekyl and Hyde existence.. We also have a code word when I get out of hand. It works sometimes easily and other times she has to get in my face until I realize its the code word. So, we work at it. Personally, I don’t know how I would deal with it if I were in her position.

    • True,
      difficulty for me right now, if I would get diagnosed for BPD, it’s a burden the partner realises .. It’s for real, I’m in the game too now, which is frightening, because One will wonder do I continue with this or not? And losing her for me equals …. you know ….. I don’t think the connection betwee us is still strong enough to go through it …. Yet she is ‘pushing’ me a bit to seek further help, currently BPD is not considered, but maybe she does not realise fully what that would mean …..

    • Hi David,
      My husband and I have been married for 17 years and we adore each other. If there is one thing on this earth I am proud of, it’s my marriage. I am severely bipolar and am permanently disabled. My husband and I have two children, one who has anxiety disorder, and another who has autism, depression and anxiety disorder. We have lots of boundaries for each other. I don’t ever stray from taking meds, even though it’s been a merry-go-round and they only work partially. I exercise, eat right, and do every single thing my doc and therapist tell me to do. Even with that, our marriage has come under strain several times because I’m never well. My husband finally started taking an antidepressant due to depression and anxiety. He did have those problems to begin with, but obviously our stressful life added to it. There is supposedly a 90% divorce rate if one spouse is bipolar and also a 90% divorce rate with parents of special-needs children. If this is true, we have defied nearly unbeatable odds. I think it really just takes a huge commitment to each other, to maintaining all our various disorders, and when things get tough, we take it seriously. There are no extra-marital affairs, no drinking, no drugs, no giving in to any manic feelings (I have bipolar 1 and have a lot of hypomania). We know that if we even begin to imagine doing those things, our marriage will fail fast. We take care of each other. And this may sound dumb, but lots of sex. We have so ungodly much stress, we need it as relief but also to feel close to each other and relieve the resentments that always build up when you face these kinds of strains. The sex plus the boundaries we have set for ourselves are why we are still together, and I’m prouder of my marriage than anything else in my life.

  139. I’m a 22 y/o female studying abroad. I know that I have emotional problems but I refuse to go to the doctor. I have been eating emotionally, binge and purge, and feeling stressed about many things. A lot of things happened but I can’t tell anyone including my family because I don’t want anyone to worry about me. I would imagine how their lives would be affected by me and I just can’t bring myself to open up to them. And the funny thing is I know exactly where this will lead to if I continue to shut myself off from the world. I’m really scared that I might get depression and need to drop out from school eventually. I’m completely aware that I need help but I can’t afford to pay for any specialist mental services or counselling. I want to handle this myself but I don’t know how. Please can anyone tell me what should I do?

    • Binging and purging is bulimia and that can be fatal.. You say you may get depressed? May I suggest you already are but are too thick into it to see that, Anxiety and depression go hand in hand with bulimia. Can you figure the way out of this yourself? I was bulimic for many years. I am here to tell you that you cant fix it yourself and that you need to get help. I would assume that your school has a health clinic.. I would also assume that even though you are a foreigner you are in a country with nationalized health system and they wont turn you away because of money. One suggestion is to get a book or two on mindfulness meditation.. Very easy to do. Just sit in a chair or the floor and focus on your breath.If you can do it for 5 minutes that is a start. The more the better.. I would do it every time you start feeling like you are getting out of control..Also, if you have a gym on campus use it as much as you can.. It helps with depression and anxiety and please take it slow.. You have a wonderful lie ahead of you. Dont be so darn hard on yourself. . Take it from me… If you choose not to do anything it can get way out of hand.. I wish you peace.

    • Christine–Your school doesn’t provide any counseling services? Talking to someone may help. Also, I just read this book: The Body Keeps the Score (Brain, Mind and Body in the Healing of Trauma) by Bessel Van der Kolk. Its got so much pertinent information, it may well help you to understand what is going on with your own mind and body. I listened to it as an audible book–its long, but riveting. He lays out 30 years of research on how past trauma is held in the body and new techniques for successful treatment. At least then you’ll know of some treatment techniques that might help you.

      • Anna,
        I just ordered the book. I was doomed at the age of 5 and my inner child is crying out and I have lived with this trauma for so many years and have screwed up my life.. I wish ther were people back when I grew up that were in tune with what we go through. I finally realize after decades that I have so many unresolved issues from my childhood and as you may know when one is being abused the brain circuitry is growing and It can cause so many issues that are hard to deal with . I know my Amygdala and limbic system have been compromised. I am going for more scans to see how my brain is formed which will offer me some more insight. Thsi book I would think will help me alot.. There are even many doctors who believe the is no such thing as a chemical imbalance rather a malformation of areas of the brain.. The science is growing and what we took as the norm may not be the reality of the situation. I read an article by my shrink who treated me for ten years and she is doing a complete turn around as to her views and treatment . Alot good it helped me. Many psychiatrists are now very upset and want to get rid of the DSM especially after the DSMV came out.. So many treatment techniques are quite simple.. Meds , meds and more meds and that just ass more tinder to the fire.., A;so family Stigma is a serious issue at least for me . I am just looking for validation of what happened. That in itself is very disturbing that families will shun you rather than tell the truth. Again, I thank you and look forward to getting more insight from the book.

    • TO: Christine,

      Not sure of your refusal to see a Psy-Doc.
      Is it denial ?
      Do you feel ashamed if you do? Think about it before you rebuff the thought dear.
      Being a Bipolar sufferer has no shame in it NONWHATSOEVER.
      When we have a headache we take a pill or two.
      When we have a kidney, teeth, liver problem or so forth, we take a pill or two.
      How is bipolar snt different.
      Because it’s in the head? Well tumor and brain cancers are in the head too… So?!!
      I have been living with s beautiful bipolar partner and a love of my life for the past 8 years.
      As she advanced in the years, it gotten much worse with her. Accompanied with PTSD
      denial, refusing treatment. Finally she gave in. Started on medication
      Medication need a little time to come to the right combination
      She was wonderful wonderful wonderful with the medication. A pill in the morning and life is wonderful
      As soon as she felt better, the psychological part of it (that she doesn’t need pills for the head) took over again
      Gone in denial
      Stopped the medication on her own, cold turkey
      2weeks and she went on flame
      Psychosis, racing thoughts, no sleep, fear, speed talking, DELUSIONS DELISIONS AND DELUSIONS
      she called the police on me claiming that a hit her !!
      I was 27 miles away at the time !!

      She continued with her in and out psychosis, rapid

      She went into Mania
      Then the euphoria that comes with it and more delusions
      She’s the woman of the world
      She’s going to conquer the world
      She ran away into shelters…. Why? There was no need at all.

      3 months till she started slowing down, coming down to earth again and crashed
      Became bedridden
      She started to come home while I’m away
      Sleeps in bed
      Hang at home by herself
      Till she finally came home promising to continue with her Ned’s

      5 weeks, refused to go to doctors
      I pushed her into going
      She got annoyed I guess
      She called police again :)
      He poked me, he pushed me..etc
      More legalities
      She’s in so much delusions

      Christina, go to the doctors, you still very young, do not train yourself to go without medication
      And once you start, never never ever never ever stop your medication.
      A pill in the morning, and life is good

      Speak with your closest family
      Do not lock it up inside you
      Do. Not.

      There is a pill for everything
      Specially for those natural normal day to day illnesses such as Bipolar
      You did not creat it
      You did not cause it
      You were born with it

      But, I say but, it will your fault if you do not take care of it
      Selfishness is us

      Wish you the best and good luck with your studies.

  140. Hi, I always had doubts about me having Bipolar though I’ve never received any treatments and haven’t even really thought about it much. But I have most of the symptoms you’ve written and I’ve found out that I’ve sleeping and eating disorders too. I’m almost 23 and a law student.But I don’t even like it and actually there’s nothing I want to do with my life. I’ve grown up in a really protective family and have done nothing on my own in my whole life. So that I feel really depressed and lost. I keep getting into disputes with my family and sometimes I just want to give up everything. I don’t have any friends or any social life.I spend almost all the day in My room thinking and worrying. Actually I just wanted to know whether I have to meet a doctor or is this something I can change by myself. I just hope this is not something I have to be afraid of.

    • hi Aali,

      I’m no expert but it does sound like it’s worth a visit to your Doctor to get a professional diagnosis. Don’t be scared to reach out for help – people are generally only too happy to help :)

      I’m no expert but I would say that the only thing to be scared of is NOT seeking help. If you use a mix of a therapist, medication and cognitive behavioural training you should be able to avoid the stereotype pitfalls.

      Try to stay positive and see this as an opportunity for you to take control and make your life what you want it to be :)

      Good Luck :)

      • Thank you so much, David. If I think about it I really have many reasons not to give up. So I’m going to try my best before visiting a doctor. I feel like that’s first thing I’ve to do on my own.

        And thanks to you too, Natasha. It feels so much better knowing the reason to my behaviour. I wish strength and happiness to all with BP and to the ones who’re with us.

        God Bless You.

        • hi Ali,

          I have to respect your spirit: I’m also very independent and like to give things a good go myself before calling for support. That said, my doctor did once slap me for taking 6 weeks to go see him when I had tonsillitis. I just thought it was a really sore throat and it would clear up by itself … :/

          So now I’ve learned that while I can give it a go myself, sometimes it’s best just to go see the doc and get things fast-tracked. The way I see it now is it’s less about independence and more about quality of life.

          Whatever you decide, keep your chin up – have positive things to focus on and remember that there’s a wealth of support here for you: very few of us are going through anything in life that hasn’t already been addressed a million times before :)

  141. Hi, I have mild Asperger’s syndrome and anxiety disorders, but I’ve been tracking and observing my moods lately. I’m almost 20, I am starting to think I might have co-occuring bipolar, maybe type 2. Aspergers and bipolar CAN co-occur. I have big ups and downs, and this article describes how I think eerily well. When I am up I am extremely ambitious, I want to do many things, I am also much more outgoing. And when I am depressed I am completely hopeless, and I feel worthless, and alienated by everyone, though I also think my aspergers plays a role in the alienation feelings (My social skills aren’t the best, since I am on the very mild end of the spectrum, but fortunately they are not the worst.) my anxiety worsens ten-fold also, I also become very reclusive, . I also wonder if I experienced mild psychotic depression, my world view can distort quite a bit when I am depressed.

    Mental conditions run in my dads side of family.

    I’ve heard when people with bipolar disorder aren’t experiencing an episode, their emotions are still more intense than the average persons, this is also the case with Asperger’s syndrome. Both people are very sensitive, just people with aspergers have trouble expressing emotions and empathy (But that doesn’t mean it isn’t there).

    I am going to see my doctor in a month about my mood shifts. I had my thyroid checked too, and it was fine.

  142. I am new to the bipolar world. My husband is 58 yrs old and my 22 yr son told me a year ago that he says this is what he thinks dad has. he has never been diagionsed, doesn’t have a doctor and very rarely goes to one. how do I find out for sure that this is what my husband has. we have been together 35 yrs and married for 28 of those yrs. We are self employed with a very successful business. now that I think about it I would call my husband’s out bursts Ranting and Raving. you would just never know what mood he would be in when he came home. I am a mess can’t take it anymore and he says there is nothing wrong with him. he is very paranoid. we do not have any friends to speak of and stay at home most of the time. where do I start? any direction would be a help thanks

  143. Oh my God how true is this?! I have just broken up with my fiancée (2 1/2 year relationship, the last 5 months of which we were engaged). We have struggled throughout the relationship with her doubts about us and when we argue and she accepts that she needs to work on stuff, she then doesn’t follow through on what she’s promised.

    I haven’t been perfect either: I can be impatient but have also made huge effort to let her do things in her own time – even though it loads me up with responsibility to carry us both in the mean-time. Which consequently left me feeling taken for granted and taken advantage of. Which would then make her feel guilty and want to break up because she didn’t like the thought that she made me feel that way.

    All throughout our relationship I have battled to try to find ways to help her try to focus on the positives. But it just seems impossible. She invariably flows to the negative. Maybe her medication is not quite dialed in right? Who knows. Certainly she has often complained of feeling numb towards the world and lacking drive, proactivity, motivation, a sense of achievement and ultimately self-esteem. While I always tried to take a cognitive therapy approach to resolving her ‘life issues’ I have recently realized that the feelings of numbness etc., … are a common complaint of those on citalopram and similar medication and that perhaps her lack of achievement was driven by a lack of drive which was a result of the medication moderating manic behavior.

    She also LOVES her sleep. She needs 10 hours / day and will still curl up on the sofa as soon as we get home. If she doesn’t have to get up, she’ll happily sleep in until 11am. And forget initiating any morning sex: she’s done it once and if I try, I invariably get pushed aside.

    She realizes that when we first met she was more energized when she was going to the gym every day but now she has fallen out of that habit, realizes it needs to change but doesn’t make the effort.

    It’s probably no surprise that her comments to me have been inconsistent (ironically almost of a bipolar nature): one minute she thinks we’re doomed, the next she’s apologizing and telling me that she wants to be with me forever. It’s been difficult and has left me feeling insecure about our future.

    Finally she has broken up with me claiming that now all of the things that she had agreed to do were just her giving in to me as apparently I just wore her down. We’re both highly intelligent so I doubt that’s the case. I think it’s more a case of her refusing to take responsibility for the changes that she’s acknowledge she needs to make. Plus she also told me the week before that she feels that her medication hasn’t been so effective for the past 6 months.

    Guilt is something that she’s always had difficulty dealing with. She said when we broke up that she knows that I’m a great guy, loves me so much but is no-longer in-love with me. She has said that she has felt this way for a long time. Yet she then says that when she lost her engagement ring (lost along with her handbag and passport on holiday) just 2 weeks before that, she was upset because it sentimentally signified our future together. Much of what she says is inconsistent.

    I think that finally she has given in from mental exhaustion.

    I have tried to talk with her during the past 2 weeks but she has put up the communication barriers in the last week. It seems that she has been spending her time demonizing me and she now feels that in my wanting her to make some changes (get a driving license so that I’m not the only one who has to do that all of the time, develop some good habits such as goal-setting so that she develops a sense of achievement and self-esteem, stop seeing me as the enemy and remember that I’m the most positive influence in her life, etc., …) – this apparently makes me ‘controlling.’

    And because she has made up her mind that we’re over, she’s now irritated whenever we speak (which was something I was noticing increasingly in the last 3-4 weeks of our relationship).

    Usually I can find a way to reachout and connect with her and get her to remember that I’m the guy she was in love with. But last night when I visited her she just had anger: nothing but anger. It’s been hard to see her like this but I’m starting to understand why people say to run a mile. The optimist in me says that love can conquer all. But my experience in this case has proven me wrong.

    One of my observations throughout the relationship has been that if only she could find a way to invest all of that negative emotion and energy into positive thinking then we would lost 99.9% of our problems. Of course, she read that as me saying that she was responsible for all of our problems (which is not the case) and focused on that instead of on following through on what she had agreed to.

    Your article was really enlightening and clarified a lot of things that I hadn’t been able to understand. Thank you and please keep up the good work so that other bipolar relationships might avoid a similar ending to ours.

    • David, I have gone through a very similar situation with my ex-girlfriend of 4 years. Over the last 6 months I noticed a change in her daily mood which included major anger management issues and paranoia in regards to me. She has been convinced that I was cheating on her. I begged her to get seen for a change in meds but she refused.

      My ex also focused on all the negative and never positive. In fact it was a constant struggle to keep her happy at all. There seemed to always be an issue that resulted in drama no matter if it was our children or friends. Im retrospect I have done all that I could for her. I was by her side through several 4 day stents with mental health and a constant effort to add value to her life. Its a lost cause I am afraid and I have decided to try and put it behind me. There is nothing more I could have done to be an asset to her.

  144. My wife of 12 years was diagnosed with bipolar 2. I am not bipolar and it is also hard for me to deal with her moods, just as it is hard for her. She does not take meds and I really wish she would because therapy alone is not enough. It does nothing for the preventative aspect of this illness. Sometimes I find myself thrown into HEATED arguments over something I did not expect such reactions over. Some nights, all I have to do is disagree over what food I’d like to eat, or question something, and I get a debate that invariably leads to me being verbally and emotionally abused with name-calling, obscenities and accusations. I do NOT call her names or even raise my voice, but I am faced with harsh words, the silent treatment, her throwing things, and even threats of divorce…often over small disagreements that she quickly escalates, and then blames ME for it. She accuses me of “knowing what things” will set her off. Well, guess what – I DON’T always know, and sometimes I feel like I am walking on a mine-field and never know when there will be an explosion. Sometimes I feel like I am walking somewhere safe and then the explosion still comes! She overreacts, blows up at me, verbally abuses me, and then when I am in tears, she says I brought it on myself, and I pushed her to this threshold, and I am the one who needs therapy because I have this “pattern” of annoying her to the point of her hurting me, so I MUST have something wrong with me, and SHE is concerned about MY pattern of self-abuse. You see how she turns it around to make it appear that she isn’t being so abusive, but rather I am the one who abuses myself and I have something to work on. PLEASE, SPARE ME – I don’t appreciate her transferring her own issues on me. I feel like I’ve been beaten up and then told to clean myself up afterward. I really DO try to avoid conflicts with her, and I avoid topics that have proven to be triggers, but sometimes even stupid things like asking her to put something away starts an argument. She screamed at me because I did not want to use a pillow that was on the bed! god forbid we have differences of opinion or in daily life. I accept those things, but some days everything is perceived as such a big problem to her, she screams and carries on into the night (for 2 hours), and then asks ME if I think it was worth it and blames me, while I am quietly sitting there at that point, wondering HOW in the world we got into THIS when I just asked something. I agree that engaging in the argument is not the answer. BUT I have to say that never saying anything and never explaining your own thoughts or feelings is also not the answer. I have a bipolar person abusing me and blaming me for these arguments we sometimes get into, and I am being accused of being the problem and I should see a therapist. I told her we MIGHT have less arguments if SHE would give medication a real chance and find one that might be a good fit. I believe THAT is what could be the biggest help of all because therapy alone is NOT enough. Her moods and her behavior is taking a toll on me and now she is finding new methods of side-stepping responsibility for her actions and that is where I draw the line. Just because someone has bipolar does NOT give them the right to be abusive and no one has to put up with that. I love her and want to help, but I also have to take care of myself and I won’t make excuses for that kind of treatment. It’s not healthy and I refuse to do that.

    • What you said is all too familiar. Yesterday, I had a mutual breakup with my boyfriend of 4 yrs. Our anniversary was actually yesterday…kinda sad. He told me 3.5yrs into the relationship that he was diagnosed bipolar. He stopped taking his meds a few months into our relationship. He started again in August but has never been very consistent, drank all the time as well as drugs. I don’t know if the meds even had a chance to do anything truly for him. I felt like the constant walking on eggshells wasn’t AS bad, but he still thought the verbal abuse was justified. I had so much hope that the meds would drastically change how we communicate, but they didn’t. He would always find me at fault for something. I learned things to avoid when talking with him, but he would dream up something else to fight about or accuse me of. He refused to find himself guilty of anything. So now I sit here, feeling beaten down from this relationship. I wish the best for you, but it is a tough road. And you don’t want to lose yourself along the way.

      • Joni-

        I know all to well ur situation! I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. He was addicted to drugs when we first met, but quickly got help because I refused to be with someone who could possible cause me to have my children taken from me! I knew from the very beginning there was something off with him & his thought process. But he had changed so drastically for the better, getting clean, active in church, being such a wonderful father to my kids & great spiritual leader. But the past 6 months he has transformed into this person I do not know?

        The mood swings are almost unbearable! I started researching online for answers & the best fit was bi-polar, but I sure as heck wasnt telling him that. He went from this happy go lucky, church going, family oriented, beautiful, hard working, confident, dedicated man to sleeping all the time, accusing me of lying, cheating, not loving him, & deliberately hurting him! He was staying gone all the time, lying, leaving without so much as a bye, eating everything in site & back to drugs & the worst of the WORST!!!!

        It’s constantly a battle with him on everything! And I am emotionally & physically exhausted from it ALL!!! But I cannot give up on him!! I finally got him to a dr, & they diagnosed him with bi-polar & put him on seroquel. He insisted on an anti-anxiety medication as well, but with him being a recovery drug addict I thought it was a terrible idea! I have read up on triggers & the bi-polar thinking so I could keep from having arguments, verbal abuse, rages & both of us hurting! But now he’s bound & determined to prove I’m cheating on him! He’s took little things that any non bi-polar individual wouldnt even dream of putting together! He demanded I leave & get out of his life!

        He has only been on his medication a short period of time & has went 3 days without taking it & turned to hardcore drugs & ways of taking them! I cannot explain the hurt & pain I felt when I seem it first hand! I literally died on the inside out! It was almost like an out of body experience! I have tried helping him every minute of every day, but he’s so far in this whole, no matter how far I reach, I cannot even get close to touching his fingertips to pull him out!! The amount of pain, hurt, sadness, confusion, guilt, & madness he is in kills me! If I could take away ALL of it, for him to feel normal & non suicidal I would do it in a heartbeat, but sadly I can’t!! If he only knew the amount of love & support he has around him he wouldn’t do such hurtful things to us & himself!! I cannot get the horrible images out of my head!! I pray constantly on a daily basis for GOD to wrap his arms around him & squeeze him so tight & help him through this hard terrible time in his life, because I can’t watch him slowly or quickly kill himself!!!

        I can handle the blow ups, the blame, the accusations, the verbal abuse, the hatred that comes out of him sometimes…but I cannot handle the other! I’m all about support groups & therapy, but it’s hard to convince men of that!! My story may & may not have helped u understand your not alone, but I definitely wanted to share a bit of my story in hopes of helping someone or someone helping me, whether it be advice or the naked truth!!

        Bi-polar is a terrible illness, but nobody can blame or hate the person, HATE the disease! Learn & educate yourself as much as you can on it & work hard!! They need u as much as u need them!

  145. Hi

    I feel the need to put this out there and ask! My thought process is all messed up

    I recently met the woman of my dreams and now I’m love my mind wonders into deep dark places

    I worry about her past relationships with other guys and often think she is thinking about them

    She is a strong willed woman who isn’t easy to read I have been with her for just over 12 months and these noughts won’t go away

    I suffer from PTSD already but I’m concerned that this can lead to bipolar

    One of my thoughts are as follows

    My girlfriend once said she didn’t care for a certain person but my mind took me to a place were i had convinced myself that she did! Baring in mind she has totally disowned this person and never speaks or sees him! This happens to me on more than one occasion and it worries me because I could be pushing this girl away

    I read up on symptoms of bipolar, Google my own symptoms and BAM the word bipolar comes up!

    Does anyone else have these sort of symptoms or know if these symptoms could be linked?

    Thanks in advance


  146. Being bi-polar sucks. My wife of 20 years doesn’t understand me, nor would she care to. She’s too busy watching TV, attending stamp parties, and Bible study. It’s a lonely place. I’ve been in law enforcement 27+ years; currently on leave for sending an email out of frustration, and cc ing a copy to anyone and everyone, including the state governor. I had good intentions; I just went about them the wrong way. I’m now kicking myself obviously, because I stand to lose a job I love, but my wife hates. I have 3 college degrees, including a master’s degree. So what! I still struggle with persistent self-hatred. I don’t drink; at times I want to so badly, but I don’t trust myself. I settle for copious amounts of ice cream in a large bowl lined with large cookies. I feel sick afterward. But hey, it’s better than cutting on myself, which is what I did when I was 19-20 years of age. And like one commenter shared, I ask God everyday to take me from this miserable life. Give me pancreatic cancer, brain cancer, something quick. For whatever reason, He has chosen not to. Maybe it’s for my grown kids, who love me and with whom I am very close. But if I knew I wouldn’t hurt the loved ones left behind, or the thought of eternal damnation, I would have left this life a long time ago. Sad, but true. This life is so exhausting and so not worth it. And yes, I do consider myself a Christian. Don’t judge unless you’ve walked in my shoes. Thanks for allowing me to vent. It’s very lonely out here.

    • You are not alone in your feelings. At least you were able to work for 27 years. I got cut down in my career 16 years ago as a SR VP in a public company and have exhausted almost all my monies as a result..payint he bills all these years without any help. You should find solace in the the fact and be grateful that at least you can live if this is what we call it off of a pension. I will be homeless within a few years. Its torture. We were born innocent. I wish you peace

      • Dear Michael,

        I feel for you I really do. It is a tough road we travel. It is difficult for anyone to understand let alone someone who isn’t suffering as well. I too have encouraged those closest to me to read up and understand some of what I go through and there is just too much distraction. I wish you peace and that is a very big wish. I am sorry for your loss of not only peace but your employment as well. Feel free to email me anytime on facebook.

        Kind Regards;
        Heidi James-Woodworth

        • I know this message was meant for Bryan, but I also appreciate everything you said.. Havent been employed because of this evil disease for many years and live in hell.

    • Medications today are wonderful compared to what they use to be for people with mental and emotional issues. I highly recommend that you get a good doctor that can help you. Medication has saved my life. I have more of an obsessive/compulsive anxiety disorder, but it sounds quite similar and medication has made my life so very much better over the years. Be thankful too that you have kids who love and support you. Do what you can to take care of yourself and get a doctor’s help. You can do it!

  147. Being bi-polar sucks. My wife of 20 years doesn’t understand me, nor would she care to. She’s too busy watching TV, attending stamp parties, and Bible study. It’s a lonely place. I’ve been in law enforcement 27+ years; currently on leave for sending an email out of frustration, and cc ing a copy to anyone and everyone, including the state governor. I had good intentions; I just went about them the wrong way. I’m now kicking myself obviously, because I stand to lose a job I love, but my wife hates. I have 3 college degrees, including a master’s degree. So what! I still struggle with persistent self-hatred. I don’t drink; at times I want to so badly, but I don’t trust myself. I settle for copious amounts of ice cream in a large bowl lined with large cookies. I feel sick afterward. But hey, it’s better than cutting on myself, which is what I did when I was 19-20 years of age. And like one commenter shared, I ask God everyday to take me from this miserable life. Give me pancreatic cancer, brain cancer, something quick. For whatever reason, He has chosen not to. Maybe it’s for my grown kids, who love me and with whom I am very close. But if I knew I wouldn’t hurt the loved ones left behind, or the thought of eternal damnation, I would have left this life a long time ago. Sad, but true. This life is so exhausting and so not worth it. And yes, I do consider myself a Christian. Don’t judge unless you’ve walked in my shoes. Thanks for allowing me to vent. It’s very lonely out here.

  148. hi my partner, or x should i say was diagnosed with bipolar 10 yr ago, he has just turned 35, i have been with him for 3 yrs on and off, but mostly off, not once have i seen any emotion from him, if i say we shud split, he,l agree, but i always run back to him, he cant talk about how hes thinking, and how he feels a bout me, which really hurts me, it doesnt matter what upset there is, there is just no emotion! yet again i have finished it, and yet again hes not tried to talk about it, and i know for a fact i could go down to his and be with him again. is it part of bipolar or is that just him? he is also very secretive, and lies to me, also he is under specialists as he has just been diagnosed with Ataxia, i feel like his mum, i have done soo much for him, decorating his flat and making him get off his backside and do something. i know i gwt annyed with him and im a sulky sod, but i dont know how else to react, because he doesnt react to anything. could all this be due to his medication, hes on olanzapine before he gos to bed. iv asked him to go th the doctors to get it reviewed, but he says the doctor said its normal, surely thats not right. i know we could be together if he wasnt like he was, and i wish i could let go, but we always get back together. i wish he would talk to me but i get nothing at all from him. maybe its downto me why he cant talk to, mayb im on his case too much, maybe its better we do go our seperate ways, and he,d be able to figure things out for himself! i really dont know!

  149. Although, I don’t relate to all of these issues, I do relate to the obsessiveness and worry. I will go weeks or month listening to nothing but the same album, constantly checking email, blog stats, twitter, etc. Trips are especially hard for me. I play out all sorts of scenarios that I have no control over. Of course, when I get there everything is fine and I can enjoy myself. It really annoys my wife. I don’t think she truly understands what I’m experiencing. It affects my work and my home life. I wants got written up for checking my email at work. They claimed that I checked it in the thousands of times.

    My brother thinks this would all go away if I just meditated every day. I used to meditated obsessively for 7 years. I also became delusional about powers that I was gaining. So, I know that when I’m sick, even a good habit can become a bad one.

  150. I am the mother of a married, mentally ill 43yr. old daughter living in another state with her husband and one child. Hospitalized several times a year, off and on medication (stops taking) in and out of therapy for many years. Because of privacy laws we (parents,siblings, husband),are unable to receive information from mental health providers. Daughter refuses to give us any information and I prefer not to press her possibly causing her more distress.That being said I have researched every possible mental illness on the Internet including symptoms, medications, other treatments available , effects on family members , how to help, and causes . Symptoms often are similar, Co – morbid or several conditions existing at the the same time, overlapping, further complicate symptoms . Occasionally delusional , often suffering from distorted memories, perceived threats, rapid mood changes, impulsive actions, list extensive . Believe at times daughter is unable to truthfully understand what is real vs what is imagined. Questions I have are 1) can a correct diagnosis be determined by her Doc. in spite of this possibility or would input from family help? 2) Environment, (home life) , tramatic events and or genetics may have contributed to current MI , what has been your experience? 3)Genetic are what they are. I’m sure I’ve made many mistakes raising my children although nothing intentional. Wondering if an apology on my part may help my girl better deal with any childhood issues she may have. Would that just further complicate things for her ? 3) How should it be handled when she is verbally abusive ? 4)Should she be confronted when she is not being truthful ? 5) Should she be confronted whenever she is doing something that is symptomatic of mental illness or should it be ignored as much as possible. 6) As a concerned parent , grandparent how much should I be involved to be helpful yet not intrusive? Thanks

    • I am a 43 y/o woman with a husband and 4 dogs.

      1.) The answer is yes unless she is self medicating at the time. I was using drugs so it took them a while to figure out where this stuff was coming from – and of course – I lied about the drug usage of course. Secondly….if it were ME and my parents were trying to put a hand in where I thought they did not belong – I would shut them out further. Doctors are NOT stupid. They have been doing this for years, they know all the signs and symptoms. But what you need to understand the most is that mental illness DOES NOT, I repeat, DOES NOT have a cure. Only a person willing to stick out a process of finding just the right medicine cocktail – so to speak – will gain any answers.
      2.)They say genetics has a hand in this illness – but I don’t know my entire family history dating back to the end of time to be able to tell you. Bipolar disorder was not a diagnosis that was even around when my grandmother was alive – let alone my great great great grandmothers. Traumatic events are 99.9 % of the cause of my deep deep mood swings…that is not to say that I do not think like a bipolar all the time – because I do, urgency, feeling overwhelmed, fearful….I feel that all the time, always questioning. But when I go off the deep end it is normally because of something that has happened to me the I cannot control.
      3.) Apology? Honey your daughter is mentally ill not stupid. My mental illness is about the thing that is in the here and now, I obsess, I have to fix, I have to do it now, the pain is so great. I don’t think back to 25 years ago and say….damn – Mom didn’t let me go to that party – I’ll be pissed at her. My husband – bless his heart helps me by listening. I will say the same thing 15 days in a row, but he keeps listening because he knows the more I talk about it and get it out the better I will feel. He might think I am out of my mind – but it IS what is important to me – so he makes time to make it important to him. Childhood issues. My God I cannot tell you how many hours I spent therapy for this – but the good news is when I came out on the other end I found some solace. My parents are not perfect, they did some stupid stupid shit with me…but there isn’t a book on how to correctly raise a kid. I could either hold onto that shit and sit in it or I could get up and walk away from it and say – I better take a shower. I had to learn to forgive and live life in the here and now – or I would be even more fucked up now than ever. The here and now, truly is enough for someone with bipolar to handle. Personally I think you need to give yourself a break. You didn’t screw up your kid. You didn’t give her a shot of bipolar in her arm. Let yourself up. Don’t apologize for who your are and what you did. Recognize and be willing to talk about it if she wants to and say I am sorry if X hurt you, I didn’t mean it to….but don’t apologize for your parenting. If my mother was here today and if she would have said to me – I apologize for all the things I did wrong I would laugh at here…because the things that she thinks she did to screw me up ARE NOT the things that actually did. If she wants to talk about an incident, then talk about it and let her talk – I have found the one thing I need is to be heard…I need to know that no matter who I am, I am safe, I am loved and that I AM ENOUGH. 4.) Verbally abusive. I don’t know because I don’t do this. I do not have an answer. 4b.) If I was being untruthful and my mother confronted me I would lie through my teeth EVERY TIME to get out of it. My parents were my enemy…my husband was not. If ANYONE were to confront me it should be him. (just telling you what works for me) 6.) Should she be Confronted? LOL. Here’s a story. Our best friend dies in 2012 (Oct) my mother was the diagnosed with Stage 4 on Christmas eve 2012. By time the 27th of December rolled around my husband was screaming at me – who the hell are you, you aren’t my wife! and I kept insisting that I was! Did his “Pointing out” help me – HELL NO – it drove me deep and deep into the shit. What I needed was for someone to watch me and protect me from doing something stupid and to tell me that they loved me – no matter who I was at the time. I didn’t work out that way for us. We learned a lot of lessons and we are still learning lesson – every day. My parents always “swept my suicide attempt under the rug” because they didn’t want anyone to think our family wasn’t perfect. When I awoke in the psyche ward chained to a bed, no one was there (work was more important), I thought no one knew or cared about me – but the regulations my mother set were no visitors, again no one was there. When I got out the only words that were spoken about the incident with my parent were “You’re not going to do this again right?” and that was that. In conclusion for 6.) all I can tell you is – as a mother – be there – for whatever she needs and don’t fight this. Support, love, understanding even if you have to fake it. As a grandmother and I husband….get an attorney and have all legal paperwork necessary ready at the blink of an eye to shelter her child from this storm if need be – both you AND the husband should always be ready – God forbid you EVER have to use it.

  151. So first of all, know that this is a serious post & please do not be hateful

    I’ve never been diagnosed or really thought about being bipolar before- but my whole life I’ve always felt that something was “wrong” or different, and I constantly (and still do) wonder if everyone thinks the way I do. I also continuously wonder if what I’m thinking is “normal”- I don’t have dark thoughts, just about ordinary, every day things, especially in social situations. I also feel as if I always think people are mad at me (including my boyfriend, friends, and occasionally family) even though I know 100% I’ve done nothing wrong. I’m always apologizing and with my boyfriend I always feel like I have to apologize for being “annoying” (and it’s me I think is annoying, he has never said that to me).

    I obsess over everything, from how I look, to if I said the right or wrong thing, if my boyfriend doesn’t love me anymore, and I never have a real “reason” to worry about these things. I also obsess if something bad happens at work, and other situations like that.

    Please let me know your opinion and ways to help this.

    • I often feel similar to that. I have been diagnosed as bipolar. I don’t think the things you describe are primary characteristics of being bipolar. To me they seem a little obsessive and may come from anxiety? Of course, the insecurity brought on by bipolar disorder may cause such things. If you haven’t seen a doctor or therapist, do that. Read up on OCD, anxiety and bipolar disorders. We can have traits or aspects of different disorders without having full blown disorders. We can have a mix of symptoms, etc. There may be nothing at all “wrong” with you or you may need help in some way. Take care, read up and see a professional if you do not feel well enough on your own.

      • I also frequently feel as if people are “mad” at me. Don’t shrug this symptom off as mere obsessive compulsive disorder. C may have something more serious. Urge this person to see a psychiatric professional, please.

  152. well i have a boyfreind whos biploar he all most killed himsleft over his loss and i tied to help him evern tho he lives very far away but he didnt kill himsleft cuz i told him i loved him i really do i dont know whats going to happen next well were both teens so let god be our wing……..

  153. Yes it is extremely difficult to live with someone with Bi-Polar. Yes, you are usually the scapegoat. Yes they sometimes lie and distort the truth but these are not purposeful actions. Those of you with complaints are indeed justified in feeling them, yet, remember the Bi-Polar affected did not ‘choose’ to be this way. Think of what they may be enduring. Be patient, learn to bite your tongue and ‘take it’. Learn not to be right. Learn to accept, and above all remember the love – to give, feel and cherish. It takes strength and fortitude in a daily struggle but it can be accomplished – love!

    • I feel that this is true, I just feel that it will be extremely difficult for my wife to understand me once I would be diagnosed. My wife: Seek further help, OK, but I’m worried that, when I will get the stamp on my forehead, the burden will become real, and to heavy for her ….

  154. Im greatful to read remarks on this page. It is exactly how I feel. Ive had bipolar for 30 years. I also have Hep c whicj can fill my brain with ammonia from toxic overloads. In a toxic state Im as coherant as a drunk. Perhaps bevause my liver is worse my condition is worse. I dont know what is happening but Im really getting worse. I believe Im having a nervous breakdown. Ive had 2 in my lifetime so Im familiar with the signs. Ive gotten to the place I have a caregiver that does everything for me. If anyone can relate to the behavior Im going to drscribe below, please respond. I need someone to relate.
    I dont go far from my home. Why? Because I fervantly believe Im familiar with the demons within my arra and wjen I cross certain streets Im in the territory of different demons and I cant stand the excess warfare not to mention traveling from one demonic stronghold to the next makes me feel sick.
    I dont cook, clean, do laundry because its too much. The caregiver does everything. During different times of the day the demonic torment in my mind escalates. 3 pm is the worst time of day. 3 pm is the best.
    Im now to the place wher everything is too much. Ill find myself really upset, stressed and anxious and Ill wonder why. Than Ill remember I have to fill up the hummingbird feeder and tjats what all the anxiety is about.
    I have a few plamts I water which started out to be fun but now it feels like all the plants are yelling to me that they have to be watered and to hurry up before they die. So now its alot of pressure. I missed one day and they all lookedlike they were on deaths door.
    Ive lost my appetite even chocolate seems to have no real taste now. I bought a wig to throw on so I wouldnt be stressed about washing my hair. I bought ppermanent markers for lip stick and eyeliner so I wouldnt have to fix my make up everyday.
    I pray all the time that God would take me to Heaven. Im not suicidal but Im obsesse with dying. Im constantly thinking if I need to take care of anything before I die, even though Ive made all the preparations with the funeral home and sent all the information down to the flowers, to my family. Death is the only escape I can see for all this torment. Now I believe my body has become an enemy in that it is trying to keep me here on earth. Like an egg shelltrying to keep a baby chick from breaking out.
    And finally there is the eendless arguments in my head about my medication. I take 450 ml of welbutrin, 40 ml of Lexepro and some Sudafed and an occasional benadryl for my alergies and 40 ml of seroque to sleep at night. I hardly think thats too much. However these meds may help my mental illness but exacerbate my livet which seems to be becoming cerhossic. And with a build up of toxins in my brain I have terrible memory loss and am in bed most of the time.
    Thank you

  155. Thank you so much for this post- it has made me understand that my thinking is more to do with my condition than the fact that I am just crazy- especially when I drink wine! I have used this post as a basis of my latest blog post (the first in months as I was trying to hide my bipolar from a few people) but it has made it easier to explain why I think the way I do. So thank you!

  156. Hi my name is Samantha and I was diagnosed with bipolar about a year ago, I’m 17 years old and I’m on medication now. Growing up was extremely difficult; I was the out going girl that everyone liked but would come home to cry for 3 hours out of no where. I depended on people for my happiness and hated them the next second I felt betrayed. I have terrible trust issues but I’m working on them. It sucks feeling back and forth because it’s true, it’s had to know reality of being normal, and I’ll never truly know. I have rocky relationships and it’s harder because I’m still so young and in high school. No one really cares or understands what I have, some adults do but unless you have this disorder.. Don’t try to compare your world to ours. Try to understand it as best you can. Never tell a person to “just deal with it” … Would you say that to someone with cancer? No you wouldn’t, we can’t help our thoughts and some of our actions, but helping us feel normal would be the biggest gift.

    • Samantha,
      Thank you kindly for your post.. Sadly, stigma is still so very strong . Your post rang true, Remember, you were born innocent , You did nothing wrong and should be treated as such. I wish you peace.

    • Well said Samantha. The good thing for you is that there are things out in the world today that can help better educate those who suffer not from the disorder and allow those who do suffer places where they can connect with others. Even though I have dealt with this Bi-Polar alone most of my life (which I do not recommend) I am glad to see there are places where we can go and learn or talk with others who deal with the same things.

  157. What makes someone with bipolar WANT to get better? What makes them realize that something is wrong, that life can be so much better?

    • What makes someone with bipolar want to get better? My husband wants to get better. 5 minutes later he doesn’t. I guess he is “rapid cycling” bipolar. He can’t seem to focus enough to commit himself to anything for more than a day or two. I think his brain chemistry changes so quickly he can’t focus on something that will yield results only in the long-term. He lives off impulses. He’ll spend 3 months getting all the doctor approvals and papers and insurance to get into a program. And on the second day in the program he’ll decide he doesn’t like one of the people, or something, and discharge himself. Last time he discharged himself because someone didn’t do their own dishes. Of course, by the time the door has closed behind him he has changed his mind and wants desperately to get back in. It seems to me, the people who are able to manage their biploar successfully commit themselves every day to a routine. Nutritious diet, low sugar and caffiene; daily intensive exercise routine; work or something that fills the day; meds; therapy, etc. But it takes serious commitment. And even then, I think you can expect periods a couple times a year when nothing seems to work.

      • I’d like to hear people’s comments on this. A lot of people will tell you that you have to let your loved one hit rock bottom before they will make the commitment to take care of themselves and their disorder. I think this comes from addiction philosophy, Al Anon, that kind of stuff. I don’t know if it works with addicts, but for a mentally ill person I think its a horrible idea. They aren’t this sick because they choose to be. I’ve had medical people tell me that, just let him go. And I’ve done it. And he has ended up living with homeless people under bridges, watching them smoke crack, while he spends days stoned and drunk. He ends up with a bunch of really sick, messed up people. Imagine the diseases he is exposed to. And the shame when he snaps out of it and reenters his life. For him, hitting bottom hasn’t done a darned thing. He just gets used to sleeping under a bridge. This is torture. Anyway, I haven’t found an answer.

        • I agree, Anna. People with addictions are capable of rational thought, even when high. My son doesn’t have the capacity to realize he is ill. His brain is giving him false information, the illness has full control…..full control. I don’t equate this to the rock bottom of an addict, because you first have to have the mental acuity to realize you hit bottom. Mental illness doesn’t let you do that.

    • For me it is because as I look down this very long dark hall I see this glimmer. I know what that glimmer FEELS like, looks like, acts like, tastes like. It truly is that only thing that keeps me on this side of the world some days. In fact, this morning I said to my husband “I want us to have our connection again…not to be driven apart.” Because that it how it feels to me. I either have this all consuming filled with love and light connection to him – or there is a wedge between us driving us apart

  158. I can relate to that for sure. I’ve dealt with this for 3.5 yrs and I’m always been the one at fault, no matter how ridiculous the situation. I’m to the point I’m ready to leave cuz I’m tired of all the verbal abuse and accusations. One person can only take souch. I thought medication would help and three months later I’m still dealing with someone who continues to hurt me on purpose. I don’t think I can deal with this for the rest of my life. I’m a very positive person and this behavior only brings me down.

    • Vern and Jodi,

      Sadly, I agree with you guys. Jodi, it seems like you have figured out a lot of things very quickly. Unfortunately it took me 5 years of trying and trying and trying. Changing my career, moving across the country, losing so many friends, spending ALL my money. For treatments, that he never takes advantage of. And I get abused incessantly. It has never gotten better. Its still the same. All the meds, all the programs, all the love, all the doctors, and spiritual people, and groups, and and and. He’s still nasty and abusive and more often than not blames me. And yes, tells people I am the crazy one. It took me so long to finally leave him. I’m not helping him, because I am always this crutch that enables his awful behavior.

      • Anna, I also have been hanging on for over 10 years. If you love someone, you do hang on. Why? you feel like God is teach you patience, faith and how to love somone who knows no better. If you beleive in God, you must relize that we, humans are just like the mentaly ill people in this world. The care givers and family who loves them can either stay or go. I want God to not give up on me and I will not give up on my wife. I am on the cross daily taking on the persacution from my wife. It is humbling…….Love and sacrifice !!

  159. I feel very sorry from anyone who suffers from this or any other mental illness.

    But having been on the other end of this thing, I can tell you it is bad to be in a relationship with a bipolar person. My ex-wife, and then now my boss a bipolar. They have a lot in common.

    They lie.
    They can’t be trusted.
    They remember things in ways that did not occur.
    They will convoke others you are the “crazy one.” Her term, not mine.
    They will always think they are the center of everything that matters.
    You do not matter. Only they matter. Their feelings. Their hurts.
    If they do something nice, no matter how excessive or over the top, you will be made to pay many times over.

    Sorry but I have no need or desire to be near them, since they have ever and always brought nothing but trouble to me.

    • Vern,
      I read your post and quite frankly I was saddened by it. I have no idea what prompted you to say those nasty things but I suggest you look and see if you have a local NAMI near you and take the course for caregivers. What You just wrote is what Bipolar people feel so much from the people out there who think they have their act together. Its called “STIGMA”… I feel very sorry for you because you will not grow, You remind all of us with this serious disease how people can be so mean and uneducated. I wish you some enlightenment…. Until then , please stay away from us.

        • Julius…
          With all due respect you can never come close to feeling my pain is. My wife even has trouble. Some days I live second to second. How can you feel all our pain.. It is very personal and different for each and everyone of us. Do you know that my pain includes physical issues with my brain, liver, kidneys and now what looks like diabetes and a damaged central nervous system brought on by these toxic med cocktails. i was healthy as can be before this malady. I would never generalize by saying I feel your pain. I find it quite disingenuous and a cliche

    • Vern, I feel that you are speaking from a limited perspective. There are as many “varieties,” of bipolar, as there are the people who are diagnosed with it! Please don’t stereotype!
      (Hardworking, caring person, who was diagnosed at 16…40 years ago)

      • Bravo….
        I have ultradian bipolar… My bipolar started when i was around 12 but they didnt call it that back then.. I never knew I had anything because my parents kept it from me being that I came from a very abusive family. I thought all kids were like me..I had depression, PTSD and anxiety and I do beleive that BP started from there. I really didnt get a correct diagnosis from a doctor until 5 years ago as I got worse and worse. I am 60 and its hell.

    • vern…. i can totally relate to what you said, lies and trusts, and if we have a major fallout, im “the crazy one” and says things that didnt actually occur in that way. this blog is really helping me, shame he doesnt seem to want to know other peoples views on bipolar, cus he just cant be bothered,

    • hi Vern,

      I feel your pain. I think that many people with bipolar share similar basic personality traits. Having gone through a sad breakup with my fiancée, I guess I would agree that once bitten, twice shy. The collateral damage both during the relationship and as a result of the breakup is heartbraking.

      I had always taken a distanced approach to her bipolar: I trusted her to manage her medication (she told me she had learned the hard way through loss of a relationship that she needed to be medicated) but I made clear that I was there to support her.

      The end result is that now we’ve broken up I’ve been doing LOTS of research (primarily to see if through better understanding I can salvage the relationship) but the reality is simply that bipolar relationships ARE HARD. And if like me you invested yourself 100% heart and soul into the relationship then it’s easy to see why you would come away from this scarred and weary.

      I think it’s important for those with bipolar to realize that while your lovers and supporters need to understand, empathize and support you better, it’s a two-way street and that love and appreciation needs to be returned. If it’s not, then it becomes hard.

      The person diagnosed with bipolar isn’t the only one who suffers and battles.

  160. I’m going to see my 28 year old son tomorrow for the first time since he was committed for inpatient treatment (10 days so far). He was diagnosed with bipolar, and has spent most of the last six months in a psychotic state.

    Needless to say, relations have been strained (we had attributed his behavior to drug use) and he had become very resentful toward his immediate family. He is still harboring some resentment because he indicated he wanted to be released to his grandfather. I love him, want to help and support him, but don’t know how to get him to believe we are on HIS side when he is still suffering from the negative feelings (paranoia) that are part of this disease. Does anyone have any suggestions for what I can expect tomorrow, or how to convince him that we do love and care for him, and are doing what we think is best for him?

    • Hi Determined Mom,

      I can just tell you about my experiences. My husband, who is 30, has been in and out of short-term (3 to 9 day) inpatient stays and stays at crisis care houses this summer. He sounds so much like your son. When he goes crazy he ends up hanging around with these super seedy drug user friends. And the paranoia makes him decide I am the enemy.

      These programs–whether inpatient or just a care house–its always about the same. They take him in saying they are going to get his meds straight. In reality that alter his meds so much, and keep doing it, so that he can’t possibly get stable. They basically increase the overall meds dosages, while also changing them and never allowing ample time either for him to get used to it, or for the effects to really be seen (you know that it can take weeks to see how a new meds mix work–and they don’t give it more than a couple days). Then they add anti-anxiety drugs to the mix to keep him calm in there, and plop him in front of children movies DVD’s. These are benzo’s, which are addictive, and only work briefly because the patient quickly becomes tolerant and needs more and more to get an effect..

      They give you lip service that he gets all kinds of care from psychiatrists and psychologists, but in reality, no. They seem to have groups classes several times a day. They may do chores or get to take a walk. And mostly he watches movies and make friends with other troubled people. Who he then messages many times per day on facebook when he gets out, and finds good hookups for drugs and other general trouble.

      The oneness seems to be on you to actually get him some kind of therapy that might actually help. The inpatient philosophy I’ve seen is to sedate them, not to do any real therapy to hep long-term. They just recommend he goes back to ANOTHER intensive outpatient program.

      I don’t want to be discouraging, but I’m just letting you know what my experience has been. My husband didn’t hate me for getting him in there. He seemed to kind of like it. But I don’t feel that it changed anything. Besides him forming a low-level benzo addiction, and being equally unstable due to all the meds changes.

      • Thanks, Anna. That was pretty much what I was afraid of. A lot of lip service and checking off boxes, but nobody that really gives a squat whether they are getting help…..ugh.

        I’m getting too long in the tooth for painful, uphill battles. But here we go….