I’m Too Tired to Keep Fighting Bipolar Disorder

I’ve written about why you should keep fighting the pain of depression and bipolar disorder before. This is one of my most referred to articles, actually, as I think it makes a solid anti-suicide argument and is something to remember when you’re overwhelmed with the pain of depression and mental illness.

But a commenter said something I think many people would say about fighting bipolar disorder:

. . . but I’m too tired to fight bipolar disorder. . .

Yeah. I understand. I’ve felt too tired for years.

Bipolar Disorder Grinds You Down

Lifelong diseases like depression, bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses naturally grind people down because they never go away. (This isn’t to say that some people don’t recover, they do; I’m just not talking about them at the moment.)

Too Tired to Fight DepressionBipolar disorder and depression suck the life out of you because they’re there every moment of your life. For people who don’t manage to get into remission, fighting these mental illnesses becomes a moment-to-moment battle. Every second of the day the depression or bipolar disorder is whispering lies into their ears and every second of the day the mentally ill person has to stand up to those voices and recognize them as illness. In the morning. In the evening. At night. Your brain cannot be trusted.

It’s freaking exhausting.

And you never get a break. You never get a moment’s rest. There isn’t a time when the illness takes a vacation and so you never get one either. Every day, every day, every day, the same. Fight, fight, fight. There might be the best reasons in the world to fight a mental illness but that doesn’t mean it isn’t gruelling as all hell.

Fighting Bipolar Disorder

And so, when someone says they’re too tired to keep fighting bipolar disorder I completely get it. I think it’s reasonable and I think it’s rational. No one knows how hard you’re working to keep going every day. You have every right to want a break. You have every right to want to throw up your hands in the shattering strain of it.

But you still have to fight.

I know, I said it was reasonable to not want to, but you still don’t get to stop. I’m sorry, I wish I had better news for you, but the numbers are in, and I insist you go on living.

But the good news is that sometimes fighting just means taking the next breath. Bipolar disorder, depression, what have you, wants you to die. The disease wants to rob you of everything you will experience tomorrow, the next day and the day after that. But you’re not going to let it. You’re going to breath. In and out. One at a time. One moment at a time. Knowing that if that’s the best fight you can put up at the moment, it’s enough.

Being tired is OK. Screaming that you’re tired is OK. But just take that next breath. That’s all you have to do right now.

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  1. I just recently pulled out of a crippling depression that lasted a couple weeks during which I was unable to get any work done and during which time I basically ignored a couple clients and I have just now worked up the courage to respond to them but I don’t know what excuse to give. Any suggestions?

  2. blah. I just feel blah. Im ready to quit school for the 3rd time because I cant get up to go, btw im 29! I was fired from my a great job back in February due to over using FMLA. Thanks Bipolar! I still have’nt got the energy to even start looking for another one. At least today I’m off the couch. I guess thats a good thing. I’m so sick of this disease! I just wish I was normal.

  3. i believe these hospital misdiagnoise people, i believe its the devil trying to take over our minds, we need to find that void in our lives and fill it. let people alone and do what makes you happy, rich people kill themselves and they have everything in life. so we that are waiting on decision feel its bipolar? i really think we need to find that void in our life and fill it.

    • Next time you feel like placing an opinion about a physical disease with a very real dibilitating mental affect, know your stuff!
      As someone who suffers from bipolar, and routinely decompensates, i assure you i dont choose to think about suicide or push friends and loved ones away!
      Bipolar is the misswiring of the brain, a condition occuring when there is chemical imbalancing! This is a very real and completely hidden disorder!
      The comments from ignorant and self absorbed people who think god cures all, need to ask themselves, why he put this on us! Its great to use invisible people as a crutch, however its called dellusions and psychosis in treatment! So next time you post remember ignorance perpetuates ignorance!
      bipolar is very real! It hurts all the time but can be so hidden, because society forces us to hide in the shadows due to ignorance!

    • Eunice, respectfully, if you want to make a constructive contribution to this or any similar forum, please educate yourself on BOTH sides of the issue. I would suggest looking up Sheila Walsh on CBN.com’s website, and start from there. Sheila had been a contributor with them for years, was part of the many prayer leaders, etc., and was eventually crippled by clinical depression. Her work can help you educate yourself as to what you can do and not do, and hopefully avoid the kind of uninformed comment you made. If nothing else, remember that the pain people here feel is REAL and we have to deal with it. We know that.

      Please, again, educate yourself if you really want to help people.

  4. Yesterday I had another episode. During the episode I’m screaming to myself in my head to Shut up!, your taking this to far once again! I don’t want to be here any longer. I blew up on the only person outside of my family that loves and cares about me. That was the last time. The last blow up for him. He’s done, said he have done all he could do. So here I am crying and typing in hopes of feeling a little better after this is done. I’ve lose all of my friends due to this disorder always an argument that I’d start. I’m only 23. A nurse. Everything looks so good and complete on the outside and I am nothing in the inside. Why am I still here? My head is so messed up I can’t control it. Now I have to try to put back the pieces to my nothing of a life all over again. I wish bipolar never existed. No one gets it. They think it’s a switch that you “should” be able to turn off. It’s all about control they say. Well you know what I’ve tried it!!! It doesn’t work!!!! This battle with myself I can’t wait for it to be over. I don’t want to be here.
    *Day

    • Day – I’m sorry for what’s happening; I have to agree with you that no-one seems to get that you can’t “control” it. People who don’t have clinical depression don’t realize that when a person is in it, our perspective is that it’s always been there. Every memory, every relationship is colored by this thing that we can’t even identify. I’m 60 and I lost a friend of 20 years the same way; we had talked of getting married at one point, and I finally had one too many episodes, and now it’s done. The sickest thing about this is that I don’t even remember what I said; I know what happens that causes it; it’s just there. I at least have an outlet in the fact that I can write, fiction and poetry. It isn’t much, but it’s a way of releasing or even bleeding off some of the pressure from time to time. I don’t know what you have; many like us have something in our lives that seems to stay with us regardless of circumstances, that we can do. I had worked Health Care for almost 30 years; when I could keep it quiet inside I could care for patients better than I would have otherwise; when I was assigned to the “Psych” ward, the patients seemed happier because I seemed to have a rapport, even though I didn’t understand at the time. I you have something like that, perhaps investigate it as a way of releasing some of the pressure. We can’t change the people who don’t want to understand; we can only help those that do, and they are out there. – Jeff

  5. I’ve been living with a bipolar women for 20 years and it’s not only tiering for the bipolar person but also for the people around them constantly the blame for her disease and the constant fighting I’ve debated if sticking by her side is worth my health as I can feel depresson hitting me personally and to boot it seems she doesn’t care at all so for those people supporting bipolar people the fight is more then just the bipolar and the person who has it

    • I read what you wrote and I am living a life like you, except, it’s my daughter. She and my grandchild lives with me. Because of my daughters illness my grandchild suffers the most. I never noticed when it started but it was full blown when she was a young adult. What is so tiring, is educating oneself, trying to find help daily to deal with the situation, learning about what is going on and understanding what the person is going through, trying to get over ones own guilt for having been ingnorant of the illness. In physical illness one sees progress, either better or worse, in physical illness, one isn’t dealing with another person inacrate state of mind, where at any minute one is being accused of all the wrong doing that got the ill person to where they are, where one is getting blamed for all thier failures, blamed for their feelings, blamed for helping because they would be doing so much better and so much more for themselves. Why then, if that were the case, is one having to constantly be a motivational coach for the ill person, get up, get dressed, take a shower, put on clean cloths, comb thier hair, never mind brushing ones teeth, have something to eat, go for a walk, talk to you kid, make supper or atleast help making it, read, listen to music, find a job, get a job, go to work, come to the park with us, come to the movies, sit with us, please just get up out of bed, etc. do-do-do and finally giving up because all you are doing is fighting with the other person, the other person becoming angry, violent, condsending, etc. just to get them motivated only to become so frustrated, exhausted and have to run the houshold, go to work and care for the kids anyway. On top of that, the inocent bysander, the child wittnessing the constant battle, watching the one seemingly not wanting to do for themselves (which I know isn’t the fact of the matter but the child dosen’t know that) even with tons of positive encouragment and the other always trying to manage/juggle everything without any help. It is good to read on this site, that often just breathing is a task for these individuals and my daughters life is saddening, all the fun and enjoyment she could have had left lying in bed day in and day out. My biggest upset is her being so controlling and getting so angry at me for doing what she doesn’t do. If it is all my fault than why not get up and take control of your life, get up and take control of your responsibilities and not leave them to me. Its fine for me to do all the work and meanial tasks, like making meals, cleaning the house, doing outside chors, taking her child to school, interacting with the teachers, caring for all of the childs needs, even the personal hygenic needs, along with taking the child to the doctor, dentist, specializt, going grocery shopping, anything she dosen’t want to do, etc. responsibility wise, its like I had another child but didn’t give birth or adopt. However, its not my child because then my daughter stipulates limits on the activities I am allowed to do with the child, like not going to the park to have fun, or help with homework, or go outside and throw a ball arround, go swimming, etc. then the blowout happens, eventhough my daughter is in bed, she gets up and freaks. Its like she has a hearing device and can tell if I am going grocery shopping or to the park with the child. Of course, she does find the strength to complain if she feels like the something wasn’t done right. Its at a point where I don’t want her getting out of bed, and wish I had left her there when my grandchild was young, I wonder would we have had a better life because there would have been freedom to have the fun a child deserves and would never had been subject to harsh critisum and outburst at any shortcomings, like not talking loud enough, or dressing right, spilling milk while trying to pour it into a small glass from a hugh heavy container, not brushing the teeth long enough, etc. because the mother wasn’t getting off of the couch or out of bed, how I gringed to go to work but food and a roof was needed. Having to rush home during the work day at noon because the 4 year old answered the phone, hungry and crying, they were staying in bed all day, in the dark. Needing to take a leave of avsence from work for 3 years until meds provided some relief but only as long as the person needing them remained compliant and didn’t skip taking the meds, which then becomes another ball game, where no rules apply. Nevertheless, I’m done, I never was before even when I got told to eat the shit off of the floor because I complained that she had left it there all day while I was at work and she wasn’t going to clean it up until she was good and ready to get to it, she insisted on having a dog, was a tyrant until she got one. I felt so betrayed, she had no resect for the hard work I was dealing with day in and day out to provide the home she was living in. Sorry, I ranted but this has been an outlet and thankfully my daughter is still in bed and has been there for the last 48 hours except to eat crackers and drink coke, which also a tryrant if that isn’t in the house (and by tyrant I mean a person that gets violent, breaks things, like a volcano going through the house) shut-up for the childs sake, I do it. Her good days, God what a beautiful person, like no other I have ever met but they are so far and few that hanging on has become a nuse arround my neck. My daughter is going to end up alone, she did not deserve this fate, not in my eyes anyway. And, there is nothing I can do but stand by and watch as it happens.

  6. I was diagnosed with bipolar at 48. Thats all of my life, going through all my childhood, teenage year, marriage to a man who thought i was permanently hormonal, feeling like that worst mother in the world, having my family with their heads in the sand.
    I know what i have but that doesnt help. Now i know and im tired of fighting with myself, everything is so difficult, nothing is easy.
    So over it.

  7. I don’t talk about my bp1 to really anyone. Diagnosed in 1996. It’s been a lonely misunderstanding road. It’s like no one gets who you are. I’m not mean unless I feel threatened, very compassionate, always put others first, can read people very well but play dumb, I question why people are so cruel, mean, judgemental, and it’s always about social status. I’ve put up w bullies as a kid, abusive husband when I was younger, two cheating husband’s, and one a PTSD gulf war vet. I always tried to be a saver of people or would see something to make them better. I know know why I was always wanting to caregive. To not help myself all those years. I let people walk all over me, and I have the intelligence to know days ahead what’s going to happen. I just never knew why people are so cruel. But they are. Being different I was as a kid and still am. Wish all my life for that one buddy who would just get me. Like a lot of you. My family ignores this illness, looks at me like I’m beneath them, and I have no one as usual so used to this. Being alone even being around people. Being misunderstood, judged harshly, demeaned, talked down to, I had a enough and I live in my own lil world with my two pets. My solice is the woods, I like being alone. Im not being judged or have to put up with stupid stuff. I am not afraid to die. This is me. Sometimes as a kid I used to ask questions to adults, teachers, and siblings. Like why are we here? Why are people so cruel? Tons of questions. They’d tell me to go okay. I would go to the woods. Day dream, question everything, read …still do this. Well, I battle with depression and mania. Half way through the book mania. I’m not like her. I emotional eat when I’m either way. She didn’t. I attract people I need to help. Even dated a doctor with a PhD in education who his doctor got him hooked on hydracodine? On spelling… Tried to save him. Tired of trying to be so kind, giving, and generous. I can be the opposite if I feel I’m in danger but it takes a lot to get me there. Bipolar people are not this stigma that’s out in the public. They are wrong because that stigma of how they portray a BP person isn’t me. I always keep quiet about it. I can be so hyper then so freaking sad. Wish I had a battle buddy but I know I’m in this fight alone. I’m 50. I accept this but all my life I wanted a buddy. Not a big rich house, lots of stuff, nor keep up with the Jones but a person who just knew me inside and out unconditionally. If I get this before I die, I would feel like I’ve gained the ultimate riches in life. To be just loved unconditionally. Well, I know this is sporadic. I apologize. To all if you guys battling with this illness. Look to nature, camping, walking in the woods, it’s kept me alive. Nature has been my Savior. My Dad too who is 89 and my mom who passed last year at 84. They kept me alive when I was many times rock bottom. They didnt understand. Dad still doesn’t. Siblings are to close minded. I’m sorry to all of you who lost parents young or don’t have support. The stigma that’s out there is wrong about a lot of bipolar folks. It needs to change, and what gets me people think it’s “in” or “hip” to be bipolar boy are the crazier than we are for real. I’m not good at writing but it feels good getting all this out. We need a bipolar town where we all can go and live. A town built for bipolar people to help be friends and family with other BP folks. Wishful thinking. As a lil kid I was a dreamer. There is no home for us. It’s sad.

    • I am 36 I found out when I was 32 in 2012 that I was manic bipolar,I also have serve anxiety. I know how it feels I let people walk over me use me nobody gets me or understand. My family doesn’t get it I am alone I wish they was a place we could live

  8. It would be awesome if anyone who has experienced anything positive would chime in. These people need hope and sometimes that is all that gets you thru.

  9. Here’s what I’m tired of……the looks my family gives me ….with a range between contempt (brother) and pity (mother); being marginalized in our family business……..all since being diagnosed in ’13. People in this business used to return my calls/emails, but no longer. This can only come from my bro and even if it isn’t him I’m blaming him anyway He has perpetuated a false narrative all along. Sadly he still thinks the earth is flat..a mouth breather if there ever was one. Needs to come off the farm and see the world for what it is…….

    • Hey…I’m 36 bipolar, diagnosed at age 21. I lost my dad to cancer 7 years ago. If you ever want to chat, feel free to reach out.

      • my name is eunice, why do you let them say you bipolar, do you hear voices, or do things that is unusal, my daughter thinks she pregnant and she laughs to herself, is that bipolar.

    • Dead is dead! What is there after that! Stay here, try guided meditation or a support group! Your here so your looking for help and answers, thats a powerful step in the right direction. Please realize you hold on to those happy days, and wrap yourself in them, you use those days and tell yourself you are worthy and this is who you are, you matter and there are going to be more good days to wrap up in!
      Im here suffering with you, there are many of us, if i can do it you can too kiddo!

  10. I didn’t ever want to admit I was bi polar. I dont. I have adhd and have insomnia for weeks at a time and I have anxiety issues. It’s not bi polar but 20 years of anti depressants, adhd meds, sleep meds and anxiety meds haven’t worked. I guess I need a new approach so I can live my life and not spend half of it crying. Maybe it’s time. The title feels like I mentally ill. Shelly

  11. All I want to do is sleep forever…

    After 54 years of enduring year after year of endless struggles with NOTHING to look forward to, I’m done!

    Hope is long gone and I just don’t care about anything anymore

  12. I am not using my real name. I have had depression since 1992 that I know of. I have never been really evaluated to see what kind I have. I will be 60 this year and I am worse than I have ever been. I am tired, angry, obese, headaches, and a whole List of things that I cannot put into words. I finally went to see a Psychologist for the 20th plus time and was referred to a Psychiatrist that wants to have me tested. I have been on Prozac for 20 plus years and now they changed it to another med. I am also on adderall which helps tremendously. But I am still not doing well at all. I am on sleeping meds because I cannot sleep either. It is a never ending battle and I am sick and tired of being sick all the time. My anger is worse than ever. I don’t want to go anywhere, do anything. Some days I just want it to be over with. I head hurts, back hurts, legs hurt, and everything hurts really. I am posting this because I truly don’t know what to do anymore. I can’t even hold a job because I have more bad days than good. I don’t even take a shower everyday, I let others clean because I really don’t care anymore. Everything gets on my nerves. How can I go on living when I feel like this daily 24/7.

  13. I’m going through the process of being diagnosed. Please excuse my spelling as I’m on my mobile and sometimes it thinks it’s psychic. Also the pop up social media tabs on this site interfer with the screen. Just saying.

    I’ve had to worst day so far. A complete crash of a mega low in the morning to a high for an hour at 8pm and back to this sodding low. I absolutely hate everything during this time. I feel the meds aren’t working enough so I’m off to the mental health team for an instant review.
    I’ve spent my life thinking everyone was odd and not once considered that I was the odd one. I do now!!
    In a nutshell I see myself as a pillock. I wouldn’t want to know me either. Explains why I have little friends I can rely on.
    The battle in my head is horrendous. Nothing makes sense. Life is very hard at the moment. I know there will be a time when I’m at ease but I’m tired of waiting. I’m so angry with everyone and everything around me. I’ve a pure dislike to other people and I know this is my bipolar cos I’m actually one of the most loving and caring people you’ll ever meet but it’s masked with something so opposite.
    I’m just letting out some steam due to my bad day. The whole week has been a 2/10 really. Financial messed up which is triggering it all. I’ve only told one friend last week month that I’m being assessed for bipolar. He isn’t speaking to me know after my bipolar ruined the friendship. That’s life! And one I’ll have to put up with. Long live the highs I say. Least there’s something to look forward to.

  14. I’m tired of fighting too I work full time have insurance and I also have a chronic condition interstitial cystitis which causes immense physical pain. I have called oit of work every day for the past month since I have had such horrible physical pain and I’m bipolar. I live in a small state and have a decent job. I’m afraid they will fire me even though I’m protected under FMLA. I called out today cuz the phsycical pain of my disease is unrelenting. I’m ashamed I’m bipolar and I have survived alot of abuse in life. I spent too much of my money during surgical recovery and luckily I don’t technically have to worry about finances yet but money is all I worry about. I’m scared of losing every ones love. My husband doesn’t think my bipolar is that bad but it is…. I currently am having issues taking care of myself I keep thinking horrible things like what do I do if he dies I’m in a bad way with my thoughts. Right now I’m scared of losing everything :( I’m super duper scared it’s not my fault that it’s hard to treat with my physical illness …. mood stabilizers affect interstitial cystitis which is an incurable inflammation of your bladder …… I don’t wanna lose everything and I’m scared and I feel like such a loser … my husband has been taking care of me and all our animals it’s hard so very hard on him too but he loves me …. I just need some hope since I’m sad and terrified

  15. Thanks for this article. This was perfectly worded. It was exactly on point and to the point. And that helps. It almost made me cry at the end, but I’m not going to admit that …

    I basically told my psychiatrist this very thing verbatim before I even knew what caused it. “You don’t know how hard it has been just to get this far, living with this every day.”

  16. This is not my name, because I don’t want anyone to know. I have been hiding this all my life, but I am afraid that people are seeing it. I think mine is genetic. I don’t talk to my Dad often, but he always seemed bipolar. Dad was admitted to a Psych Ward for 3 weeks when he was about that age. I am scared, because I just turned 50. I think that I am scaring myself. Yesterday was a good day but I think today is a bipolar day . I’m afraid that my coworkers and bosses are starting to notice the signs . My husband doesn’t know about it . My husband knows that I have ADHD I’ve always had it and I see a therapist . I read somewhere the ADD and ADHD is related to bipolar. It comes and goes it mostly comes when I’m under stress . I am sad and I am depressed but most of all I’m scared that somebody’s going to find out . How do I hide it from people . Does anybody know how to hide it ? If you have any ideas please let me know . I am comforted knowing that Albert Einstein, Virginia Woolf, Beatthoven, and many more talented people had it . I am very creative but I don’t have time for creativity and that really helps. I am very creative but I don’t have time for creativity and that really helps I went back to school to finish my degree and I am currently in a psychology class, but I am afraid that my professors are going to find out .

    • Bipolar and ADHD share a lot of the same symptoms. Generally, though, ADHD is persistent and with Bipolar the symptoms will only occur when hypomanic/manic. So if it seems to fluctuate, especially when you’re stressed – which is a key stressor (no pun intended) for the onset of hypomania/mania – you might want to talk more about this with a psychiatrist. I would advise caution against taking any ADHD drugs, because these can trigger full-blown manic episodes. If you are only seeing a therapist, I assume you aren’t taking any drugs at all yet. For me, personally, Lithium generally works to help manage my symptoms enough to be more stable at work. But it also isn’t very effective if I’m stressed out or losing sleep… and then I’m still cycling. Could be a dosage issue, but I digress.

      I would strongly advise you see a psychiatrist as soon as possible and tell them this exact thing.

  17. I feel like I can’t take it. I’ve had problems for 18 years now but have just started addressing them. Bipolar, depression, social anxiety, general anxiety, ocd, for a few. I also suffer from migraines with aura, so that doesnt help. Everytime I see the doc it’s more lithium and another drug. Last month was Buspar and Xanax. Who knows what next month brings. I’m about to be on 1800 mg of lithium a day. I feel like if I don’t kill myself the drugs will. I’m falling hard. I hate taking meds. I used to smoke weed but I felt mania was worse then so I quit, now depression is overwhelming. A grown man shouldn’t cry everyday. I don’t want to give up, but I can’t get going either. I feel twisted so bad I have ulcers now. I tell my wife I’ll just dig a hole so I can lie down and and finally get the rest I want. She thinks it’s a joke but it’s how I really feel. I’m so tired.

  18. Today worn out doesn’t even come close to how exhausted & overwrought I am.
    I have no one to really honestly share my personal thoughts…so…here we go

    I’ve slept poorly 3 nites straight think due to rows here / there with my sister,whom I’m ambivalent about.
    Also suffered a migraine too,so likely both..nasty.
    My sister had gone to Newfoundland close to 2 weeks.

    Then she comes back,asks me if I needed a ride to get my errands done …etc
    Out of character spending all that time as she’s so BUSY BUSY BUSY…..
    YUP
    I was right!
    She was away again,no telling me ex till her destination & thru email!
    Been another week,now longer as another argument…this time I was trying to pin her down to go see a movie…
    Plus to go eat,I wanted an answer so I could set the $ aside as the restaurant we were planning was really nice.
    She wouldn’t commit.
    I’d get more & more pissed off,esp w mix of little sleep, migraine still hurts like killer…..
    So,I wrote her a email,basically saying I’m done do what you want to do.
    Then she wrote back,ok good!
    Ouch.
    But kinda not that bad.
    You get burned enough,you realize you don’t feel much of a heart left anymore …..
    Been broken…lost track,by even family!
    Which,I feel,disgusts me,they are BLOOD
    But,FINE.
    I cannot keep these fights going,they ARE TOXIC…SHE ONLY WANTS ME ROUND ON MY GOOD DAYS
    SHES SAID I CONTROL HER MAKE HER LIFE MISERABLE horrid language…..great,that’s really helped me out.
    What it’s shown me is that there was another ( dark) side of my sister.

    I detest how everyone puts her on a pedestal
    I’m the BP & sick loser.
    Well,fuck others.
    I don’t believe that shit,God I’d kill for a great snooze

    My sister is A BITCH
    She walks with her head stuck up her ass like better that everyone else…omg.
    I used to think it’d be a TERRIBLE loss,LIKE DADS DEATH if somehow I lost my sister.
    WHO THE HELL AM I KIDDING?
    I lost HER YEARS YEARS AGO.

    Yes,everyday I set a routine that usually works for my BP
    But intense stress & insomnia,screw it up.
    Been vegan again…
    Could sleep now,but I’d wake @ 3:00 am.
    Hate restrictions,but if it keeps me out of hospital….I’ll gladly do it.
    I’m very self aware of what sets me off.

    Lastly my rude arrogant sibling sent emails right @ time I’m getting ready for bed!
    My Dr doesn’t want any upsetting news or over stimulation ( of course but Emergencies) as my sleep he said more
    Crucial than even food.
    So,will end this.
    I wish we’d get on I threw a line out to my sister,but past effects present,screw up.
    Numb,like the novocaine on your gums @ the dental office.

  19. Hi,

    Reading this I was left with the distinct and reassuring thought that I’d written it. That’s how true it rang.

    One comfort with Bipolar is knowing that you’re not alone.

    Cheers,

    Kevin

  20. I was diagnosed with bipolar about 9 years ago and was being treated for a few,months before I felt better and decided I no longer needed help….well 9 years later 2 kids and a husband I was losing control….I struggled with keeping friends staying close with family and my marriage started falling apart….so while drowning in depression I reached out and have been put back on meds….but it’s only been a week so not sure if it’s working yet….things went really well for 5 days then on the 6th day anger and irritability…now 7th day wake up crying and now mad and irritable again…I’m so afraid I’m going to lose everything and everyone in my Life and that my children will grow up hating me….I wish that I could just get free of this constant state of irrational tragedy

  21. Hello, I’ve had a 9 month fight with bipolar depression which ceased about November 2014. Slowly we tried new meds which did give a little improvement. Id say i went to about a 5 out of 10. Last year i was about a 2 out of 10. Seriously ill and pretty desperate. So moving onto a little improvement i hoped that i would could keep going up. Then about march 2015 i felt myself falling down again, until today. The desperation you feel is hard to describe. With the last few days on verge of panic attacks. Last resort to avoid a full one is to take a alepam to totally calm me to a somewhat calmer but confused and useless state. Without that alepam in emergency times, I know I would have had to have gone to Hospital. Next week my specialist again, and we go on that roller coaster all over again of trying to medicate – Bi polar 1 with ADHD with PTSD and Depression. This has been ruling my life for the past 10 years. My Husband my two teenage kids have to experience all this and that is what i hate most. It just gets so exhausting and consuming my life as it really never goes away. I know I’m a better person than this

  22. Why bother? Seriously, my husband threatens to leave me, the kids (who are 23, 19 and 17) basically would rather walk on burning coals than spend 5 minutes with me. It’s not like I plan to kill myself. It’s like I beg God every single minute of every single day to just let me go. No one reads books or articles or even asks what it’s like to live in quicksand up to my neck every single second of every single day.They don’t want know and they wouldn’t understand. Just feels like all the cracks are starting to bring down the house.

    • I have just come out of a serious episode. I have BPD/ BD (I have had so many different psychiatrists/ diagnosis over the years).

      You sound like your right in it at the moment. It feels like everyone is turning against you, interpretations of very simple and straightforward interactions between yourself and other people become distorted and impossible. It feels like the house is’ falling down’.

      For years I struggled with meds that didn’t work (i’m just talking on my on behalf I would never suggest to stop meds). I am a Buddhist and believe in impermanence, everything is always changing. We are never the same person from second to second. This gives us hope. These feelings are impermanent. At times it’s all I have and hold onto , the idea that ‘it doesn’t last’.

      I know it doesn’t seem like much of a comfort but when you are ‘in it’ i’m afraid there are very little comforts.

      I felt the same as you for about 2 months. Three days ago I just came out of it. I woke up and everything was different. I still had problems but I knew the tide had turned on this one.

      I know I have only a certain length of time to enjoy these moments of clarity but let me tell you I appreciate living in the moment because I apply the same principle.

      Although it sounds depressing it’s important to apply this idea of impermanence to happiness as well. We tend to over indulge in this happiness. We attach ourselves to this feeling as if our lives depended on it (in some cases it does) However if we do not realise that happiness is also impermanent then when we inevitably lose that happiness it creates feelings of loss, sadness regret etc. So whilst it sounds weird the cause of our sadness sometimes is our happiness. All feelings and thoughts are temporary.

      Anyway I am going to go and enjoy my day today. Today is a good one. They are precious and rare but I have never had such an appreciation for them.

    • See, us unbipolar people understand, we can empathize. I wonder if you bipolar people can with us that are the bystanders. My mother was bipolar, and years of walking on eggshells, I am glad she is dead. Cruel, not from where I am standing. Try living beside a bomb that goes off a little by little at any given time and waiting for the big explosion. Bipolar is in the head, the voices, the want to end your life, but what about what is being done to the people arround and living with the bipolar person, the emotonal cruelty, the phusical abuse, the neglect, the mental anguish that is put onto another human by some who is bipolar, live in their shoes, I was 7 and took a bottle of pills because I just wanted to go home, go to where I was wanted, where I would be loved and acknowledged. By 8 I wished my mother dead, I was hospitalized for being grosly underweight. At 9 my mother abondoned me in a European country for 9 weeks without money or food in our apartment without any family near by so that she could go globe trotting. I found a dumbster, outside a resturant to eat from. After 20 years of living with a bomb ready to go off completely I am amazed I am still alive. What I found absolutely amazing, is that if it was something she wanted, something she wanted to do, she could jump up and be all that, if it was people she wanted to inpress, like a preist, wow could she ever put on the play of compitant, loving caring mother, not the whoas me and cruel person I knew.

  23. I was not correctly diagnosed with bipolar II until the last year or so. I had problems with depression all mylife so I’ve been on antidepressants most of my adult life. Im not psychotic during hypomania but i do get a feeling that more than just a mood or feeling is happening. I am still recovering from a breakdown that has been several years in coming. It has felt to me that this “mood” takes over my brain and body. My perceptions overthe years have been like looking through a kalidescope. Or like the shifting lens at the eye dr. My illness definitely feels like it is changingmy perception, my moods and mythinking. I am 51 years old and i have just bulldozed my way through life to function. I cannot work anymore because of this. I am having a slow time getting any better, but I have hope that ican at least take full care of myself one day. Thanks

  24. Luv discipline of bipolar, for me over 50+ yrs with illness still hate when I can feal it coming on the depression have no controll just tears out of the blue fall wherever I’m at, shameful feelings, so I hide myself in shame!

  25. I see this has stopped a few years ago and what a shame. I stumbled upon this today and wow did it help. I was struggling how to expaine my disease to a friend and this really helped me. I was diagnosed at 13 on meds since 18 and Im now 39, to say Im exhausted is such an understatement. I am so beat down daily just trying to remember to breathe.

  26. I’m 20 years old and recently diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I hate this feeling of constantly battling a war with my emotions within myself. I’m tired. Oh so tired and exhausted all the time. Especially from a sharp transition from manic to depression. I never knew I had this problem until I started university. I started to notice after living with complete strangers in dorm rooms and apartments. I would normally try to hide my depressive state. I would just hide and cry in my room for hours or days. Then I’ve been so angry and irritated with people that I’ve become violent. I punched a guy’s face at a party out of anger. My housemates describe me as moody, “butt-hurt” all the time, always angry, etc. Then I would have my manic episodes. They might not be as severe as others, but I love it so much. It is my pure source of inspiration and motivation. I have all this bountiful energy that can finally fuel all my ambitions. I also become even more creative than usual. My mind feels like its speeding away like crazy. I get excited with everything. I feel as though it is a gift and i do not want to take any medication that will throw it away. I’m having a hard time seeing doctors. I usually go when I’m depressed. When I recover, I cancel my appointments and refuse to believe that I have a problem and the cycle continues.

  27. I’m so fed up of this all of this crap I’m 17 and My “depression” lead me to be kicked out of college, I didn’t really care at the time but I realise now, I literally have nothing left but a family who loves me and a home, I’ve lost most of my friends cause I’ve had to get a full time job, I don’t have a girlfriend because I can hold the same feeling for women for long enough because every time I do my mood will eventually change and Its like I become a completely different person which causes me to lie about how I feel about them and plus Im not a very affectionate person apart from to myself, and sounding like somewhat of an ass I believe I am actually in love with myself. Like more so than I do men and women and I am far more sexually/and generally attracted to myself and my own personality than anything/anyone else. The only reason I get by is because I’m good at convincing people I’m okay when I’m really suffering, I take drugs and have a moderate dependence on alcohol, I’m a heavy smoker and I don’t really know what to do, I want to move on forget about everything and enjoy myself but ever time I do I will have a mood flip somewhere down the line, I bail on everything and then I’m back to square 1. Anyone got some advice. Anyone with experience can tell me what these signs mean, I knw I am bipolar but just wanted some more explanation on that.

    Oh and ps I’m not a suicidal person, I couldn’t do that to myself I’m to narcissistic.

    Cheers for any help! And I probably sound like an asshole to most of you out there, but I can’t help how I am and feel

    • Hey, count your blessings…live your life peaceful and drama free. You at least have a family that loves you. I’m only 32 and my parents are dead and no siblings or other family. Not a day goes by that I don’t want to run away and drink myself to death in some alley, but I count my blessing, I have a wife and kids that love me no matter what.mmeven then it’s so tempting to see every flaw in them but none of my own.

  28. While I have been able to temporarily & intermittently ride the wave of positive sentiments, having actively fighting Bipolar II all my life via 4 different psychiatrists & holistics the last 10 yrs. I am TIRED.

    I was able to work in my career for many years yet had to go on SSDI.

    I am TREATMENT RESISTANT & when polly-annish babble spews its like telling a diabetic or a cancer patient to just change their thoughts & have hope to florish in life & sufficiently reduce symptoms.

    People on earth who are afraid of death & who can not extend the same civil right and option for euthanasia that is extended to the people w/ physical illnesses is criminal.

    I have access to the “stuff” for a peaceful rapid death yet cant follow thru with it.

    Bottom line…I cant part with my 2 cats & animal rights work. While I have a place for them, I dont know how I could put them in their carrier and say my last goodbye to them. Yet every day is a serious struggle. I used to volunteer at an animal shelter regularily yet my PTSD and anger towards people prevent me from going. I was even kicked off a board due to my “directness & honesty”.

    Anger & rage keeps me isolated. The drugs just make this worse!!! Its such deciet being fed to us by the Psychs & Society: “Depression is treatable” BS in my case!

    Ultimately, we have autonomy of our bodies & can decide to exit the earth. Suicide is ALWAYS “the patients fault for not taking their meds. No..” The profession HAS FAILED US!

  29. I stumbled upon this blog while I’ve been searching for answers to help me fight this depression. I was recently hospitalized, but have had no relief from this pain. I want to commit suicide for all the reasons that other people have mentioned. I’m tired of being “a survivor.” People I care about want me to live for them, but I’m the one living this horrid life. This disease is relentless. I feel like I’m being tortured by my own mind. They are adjusting my medications so I’m not sure if that’s contributing to the agony or not. I just want to be stable.

    • Lily, this is exactly how I feel. Totally exhausted and overwhelmed….but gee, golly, there’s always HOPE. Tired of hearing that shit too. My meds are being adjusted as well. I personally feel doomed.

  30. my father is suffering from bipolar.. now a days he is suffering from mania from 8 months.. as 10 month ago he is retired from his job,,now he is free,, use medicine regularly,,, but he teasing every one, become too much angry, fight . getting too little sleep etc etc..every time i want to tell him relax ur self, take rest, starting advice to him, but in veins…. he start fighting with me,, i realizing that my father doesn’t want to recover..he is enjoying.. i m tired too much when will he recover.. due to him sometime i feel that i m also suffering from bipolar depression.. and think he will never recover… i am tired too much to help him

  31. My bipolar friend (he suspects he has bipolar) says I am overanalyzing what he says, when clearly I was not. He would say something confusing or contradict himself, or I would just assume he meant somthing different because te statement could mean one of two different things and I would try to get him to clarify.

    he would get irritated and accuse me of “making a big deal out of it” (I never said it was important, just that I was confused enough to want to ask clarification), or assuming he had a “deep” reason for saying what he said (this was not the case! I just didn’t know what he meant) or that he didnt mean to hurt me by saying it (not necessarily something hurtful, just something confusing or I didn’t know why he thought it was true or it needed clarification if the conversation were to continue).

    But that’s not the bad part- the bad part is that I feel like Im being bullied or at least put down and devalued and made ashamed of feeling hurt by his behavior when I tried to calmly and sensibly speak to him about it. (the second time he accused me of overanalyzing him). He said “dont start this again” or “you’re making a big deal about this” and accused me of trying to start an argument when I wanted to do the opposite- to avoid arguments by going over the subject now. The nicer and gentler I was the angrier he got, and he was very very illogical. He is usually very smart and logical. He hung up on me and I was in tears for a while afterwards.

    It was brutal, especially since I had been kind to him beforehand (though I admit, not perfect- I did judge him a bit harshly for stuff he did as a child, though that was partially because he first framed it to me as worse than what I would consider it to be). He was showing traits that looked like a narcissist (the gaslighting- saying i was overanalyzing him- and denying he said something mean he had said during another discussion) and I did say, during this second time, that I wanted to hold off on the friendship and that was the part of the argument he most remembered later on…seemed upset.

    The first time he said I ‘overanalyzed’ him I was immediately reminded of my ex boyfriend, who also told me I did it (definitely didn’t do it with him either), and I was very upset when my BF did it- in fact, I had hoped my friend would comfort me about it. Instead, he did it himself. I had also reminded him of when he promised to call me back, didn’t, and then blamed me for not knowing he woludn’t do it. Accusde me of making a big deal out of it, which I wasn’t, I was just asking because I didn’t want to deal with someone who was going to break promises in general, even if they weren’t a big deal (and who determines what a “big” deal is?) It wasn’t the lack of phone calls that bothered me, it was the fact he was blaming me for things I didn’t have control over (not knowing he wouldn’t do something he promised to).

    The latest and third time he did it (I did it least of all that time) I stood up for myself (I profusely apologized and “admitted” to the behaviour the first time…just to get the otherwise good friendship back) and he seemed to back down a bit, saying maybe we should just not talk anymore that day (it was over the phone) and that he didn’t want to argue.

    I hate feeling afraid to ask him questions or to bring up issues I am hurt by, especially since it means I have to walk on eggshells and just “let” him hurt me and cannot bring it up to him when he does. At least not on the “you’re overanalyzing” issue. He is not hurtful on other issues. I also hate having to say I’m hurt by something (I have to let him know in order for him to stop doing what is hurting me) and have him judge me that I shouldn’t be hurt or that I’m just trying to be argumentative (opposite is true).

    Well, another thing happened- on and off he had been talking vaguely (but not vaguely enough for me to ignore it) about suicide. I got nervous especially since a lot of shit had been happening in his life. I tried calling him or a couple days and when I couldn’t reach him I decided to call a suicide hotline and ask for advice. They said try to contact his family. So I did, though I didn’t know them. Big problem. I contact his cousin and aunt, tell them not to worry, I’m just trying to be safe, it’s probably nothing. Cousin contact his aunt, aunt contacted everyone and freaked out, almost called the cops on him, and now my BP friend is mad at ME. I told him I don’t control how his aunt behaves and I did what I thought was necessary. I asked him what he needs for me to make it up to him, and he said just give him some time. He was mad, but not dropping me as a friend.

    His cousin had told me he had told his aunt I was stalking him (not true) and we hadn’t talked in a while (def not true- it was two days at most, a point he made mention of himself!), and I had briefly contacted his aunt a couple times on FB before and I told him and neither she nor he seemed to mind.

    My friend called his (frankly, crazy) half sister out on the West Coast, gave her MY HOME PHONE NUMBER (because I’M the one who’s a stalker) who said she was a police officer, and vaguely warned me about getting too involved with the family, saying they were very “private” and she contradicted a lot of things my BP friend said, so now I don’t know which one is saying the truth.

    Other than this our friendship is great (and may become something deeper), but these things are really rankling me. They are worse than they seem on paper. I have called several verbal abuse hotlines and some say he is and some say he isn’t.

    I love him very much otherwise, but I’m afraid of walking on eggshells with him and being forced to mold myself to his lies/delusions.

  32. I’m going to end up getting fired. I’ve been lucky enough for once in my whole life to have a job for the last 3 years where I have missed work, or worked from home, or come in late and worked late instead, almost making my own hours. Funds for that job dry up in 9 months. Even though I am intelligent and capable skill-wise, I feel a sense of pure dread and my bipolar has gone through the roof ever since I found out. I’ll never hold down a normal day job!!!!! NEVER. I’ve tried for 25+ years. I’ll be 45 and I finally got a programming degree, AAS, at 41 after 5 attempts at college and now the prospect of sustaining a career looks about as likely as flapping my arms and flying while wearing led boots. I’ve never had a long term relationship and now all the viable candidates are taken or uninterested at this age. I just want to make enough to keep my house and pay my bills. I can’t fall asleep. I can’t wake up. I can’t concentrate. And that’s just during relatively level periods. When a real “wave” of “out-of-control” hits, its ducking around the corner to hide “rogue” tears, drinking on Tuesday, compulsively running out to bars in search of some human interaction because I lost a “circle of friends” a LONG time ago and stand on my own now. It’s setting an alarm and sleeping right on through it for FIVE hours without even waking at all, or waking and turning it off because my willpower is bent and twisted by the pain and loneliness and sleep apnea and the will to escape the world is just 10 times stronger than the will to struggle out of bed. Fuck.

    • I feel sorry for your pain and suffering . It has hit me hard also and I cannot work at all.. With a programming background you can work from home and bid on specific jobs people require and will pay you. Many friends work that way. I suggest you look at this site . There are others like it…. https://www.elance.com/

      I wish you peace and health.

  33. im 16 I’ve recently been diagnosed with bipolar Nd some other stuff and finding this article has helped me realise I’m not the only one but I’m so tired especially recently I haven’t left properly in days. I’m sick of fighting and I just want to let go but I know I can’t for the sake of my family but it’s all getting to much for me at my age. Sleeping and smoking cigarettes are my only escape. So if anyone has any tips on coping strategies please let me know

    • Hi Clo I can only speak from my experience so realize that what is good for me may not for you. First of all realize most people will not understand what you are going through just like you can’t fully understand how they think or feel. We’re all different even people without mental illness. You do not need to try to be “normal”, accept your differences and work on becoming the best version of yourself. I highly recommend a psychologist (they focus on behavior, different than a psychiatrist that focuses on correcting the chemical imbalance which may also be very helpful). My psychologist is like a friend, diary, and mentor all at once. Even just realizing what difference you were feeling last time you spoke to them will help you start to understand not everyday is the bottomless pit. Next artwork in many forms is unbelievably freeing. Write stories, draw pictures, sculpt… Even if you suck like I do, it’s wonderful to express yourself even with silly stickfigures and a purple sunset. Continue to learn about your disorder, keep reaching out for help, and try to help others whenever you can. Connections with family friends or strangers helped me through my darkest times. Its a rollercoaster but you can do it. Do it for all the people you have and will bless. Keep grinding Clo.

  34. I’m bipolar and I have found that it is hard for me to keep my love one’s happy, most of the time I feel like I can not do anyway right and that everyone around me is out to get me. What can I do?

    • This is mostly your strong feelings mixed with overactive empathy. Feelings influence our perception of reality. You can do plenty right, it’s ok to struggle you will learn and grow and become a better person

  35. I’m so exhausted. The last few days have been rough. My mom said I have rings under my eyes. “Have you been sleeping?” LOL “Yes,” I replied. In my head I was like duh!!! Of course I’m sleeping. It”s my only escape. For myself, it’s the endless thoughts in my head that get me feeling exhausted. The constant reminder that I have this illness. The incessant distorted thoughts I have about myself, which at times are easier to believe than ignore. my body aches.

    And I have to keep going.

    I take it day to day now and I celebrate my small daily victories.

    Some days are easy to be nice to myself and others it’s so automatic to allow my guilt and shame to consume me.

    Glad I stumbled across this blog, though! ;)

  36. Hi, I seem to be sinking back into a period of depression after a period of fairly light mainia. I’ve been trying so hard to stay well, taking my meds, doing mediation, knitting, getting exercise and taking care of my animals. In my case, it seems that my medication cannot prevent episodes just reduce their effects. I’m exhausted by trying to make things better, I question if they’re even working or a complete waste of time, right now I’m going to force myself to do a meditation. So often this blog has pulled me back and made me see it’s not just me who struggles or who becomes exhausted by the constant effort to fight bipolar. I greatful the support you’ve all given me without even realising it because this is my first post. I’ll keep taking my life forward Natasha, on breath at at time, that’s all I can do right now but it’s a start!

  37. what happens after every struggle and the dream of being numb n forgetting feel like more than i deserve,what if my next breath is my last before i hit the ground wheres the point in breatheing if one day it will stop.ive never wanted to breathe tmrw without forgetting yesterday n to manipulate the pain by encourage ing me to live well i say fuck you.

  38. I really enjoyed reading your article.. My life has barely even begun as I’m only 16, and I’m already sick of fighting– and of these disorders. I was diagnosed almost four years ago and my life is already falling apart. I feel as if I’m better off not here simply because if I’m already struggling so young I’m not going to get anywhere as I age.. but farther into hell. If anyone has any advice for coping skills please let me know– they’d be appreciated.

    • I was in turmoil as a bipolar kid as well. Please realize there really will be better times. It is very hard from 16 to 22 and then feels a little bit more manageable both from experience and your brain settling down in its development. I know since I have made it this far (now 26, 2 years into a career, married and a homeowner). The disorder still rears its ugly head but it’s part of who I am. Living is a challenge, embrace that challenge and continue fighting on. You can only realize how worth it living is by living. Just focus on that I promise you it’s worth it.

  39. I was diagnosed at 24 years of age when my oldest sone was about 8 months old. I am now 36 years old and I can relate to feeling bony achingly exhausted. Just completely used up. I had a brief moment of remission from 2010-2012 it was amazing but sometimes it feels like knowing what life is like without dealing with the quagmire of mental health every single day makes it that much harder now. I am now a single mom of two, and I am in school full-time to be asocial worker. They have obligations, I have obligations and the world as a whole just doesn’t understand “sorry the world is too much I just can’t get out of bed today”. So every day I get out of bed, I get them and myself to school, I get meals prepared and served, homework done. My patience level for everything is razor thin though, I am exhausted, it sucks.

  40. I am too tired of fighting bipolar, my life and sick people, who should be supporting me emotionally and they are the 1st people to hurt me. So, my bipolar is bad but there are worst things out there than my disorder. Environment is very important to help you fight your disorder and I’ at my limit for too long, not a good place to be. The odds are against me and I’m running out of lies to keep on going. I’m sorry Natasha, this is how my life is. I am sick and tired of saying positive things and never say what is going on with me. My biggest problem is that I worry too much about other people’s mental illness and that’s why I keep it too myself.

  41. It has been suggested that I try Ketamine infusions. Has anyone done this? Is there danger of kidney damage?
    Also, if you have suffered kidney damage from lithium, I would like to hear about it. Thanks.

  42. I needed to find this website. I am not diagnosed, but I clearly know I have the disease. I have graduated from college with an assortment of degrees, I make great money, but my mind is always playing tricks on me. I believe I am crazy, and it hurts and I hurt only my girlfriend who sticks besides me for almost a decade now, To the rest of the world I am a great guy. I take her things, I think she is always lying or cheating. I cry to myself, I use to think about killing myself all the time, now its probably every other month. I like being inside my house, no one deserves to be with people this sick. I’m so sorry, I wish I could do better. I compensate by giving her my wealth and pretending to care about what she speaks on.

  43. Today I found this in some old notes. I’m not even sure when I wrote it. I still feel this at times but I do know that there is always hope.

    “I have my times of tears, panic attacks, fears, and a despair that cannot be described to those who have not felt it. Winston Churchill called his depression The Black Dog. There are other times when I am calmer, still sad, but more rational in a very twisted way. I’m sitting here on the couch more or less paralyzed and thinking thoughts that I know are untrue, but in the state I am in, makes total sense. How can I keep inflicting myself on those around me? How is that fair to them? I feel numb. I feel mad in a passive way. I’m tired of living like this, not knowing from one minute to the next how I will be. It’s pathetic that even after all these years, after supposedly getting stronger in dealing with this illness, that in the dark recesses of my mind the thought lingers that I could end it one day. It’s a choice, an ugly one, but it is a choice. So, day to day, I choose to live. But there is always a way to be done. That thought somehow gives me comfort.

  44. This is the first time I’ve ever posted anything regarding my illness. In fact, I don’t really talk about it all that much. Health professionals seem disinterested, my friends become uncomfortable, and my wife tries her best to understand, god bless her. I have lived with Bipolar Disorder since the age of 21, the year of my first manic cycle, thereby making it nearly half my life that I’ve lived with this disease. It has given me my share of ups and downs (more downs than ups) with an unrelenting force that only those who keep fighting can understand. I’ve been married, divorced (she left me and my kids), found a new partner with a child, been promoted at my job countless times (thank you hypomania) and just generally tried to do the best job I could. Now, I’ve found myself in a vulnerable position at my job because of the instability that comes with living with this disease (oh, how I regret some of the things I’ve done (e.g. threatening to quit, closing my office door for a month, making a fool of myself, etc…)), have threatened to leave my marriage several times (a superimposed mid-life crisis), and have my friends questioning if I am OK. Well…I’m not.

    I’m tired. In fact, I’m really tired and not sure I want to keep fighting. The highs that I once thrived on now have as much of a destructive force as the depression does. The cycles are getting worse and more frequent. I have moments at baseline that I cherish every second of, but is that what life is supposed to be about; cherishing the numbered days of contentment I’m blessed with knowing that for weeks I will want to take my own life or have to quell my excitement and vigor? Constantly switching between a mask of comedy or tragedy under a mask of placidity? Ugh, for another, say, 40 years? Here’s my answer, I almost flipped my truck this morning on an icy on-ramp (it would have truly accidental) and immediately wished I had. But I am here. I carry on.

    If you’re tired too and reading this, I hope it brings you some solace that I understand. It’s not easy and it never will be, but I do understand.

    “Soon enough you’re gonna think of me and how I used to be…me”

    • Thank you, I am sick as well, please stay with us, I think we are an intellectual type and feel that we are not appreciated. I am sorry you feel that way, but a person as kind and thoughtful as you needs to be here on this planet. I respect and love you bro.

  45. I n
    Someone here mentioned the disease pyrorula as the cause of bipolar disorder , I was reading about the symptoms about the illness and it says deficit of vitamin b6 and zinc in the blood cells causing insufficient chemical in the brain as serotonin, the dease is tested by urine, not most lab do the test ,I’m from NJ I found already the lab which does it, I am v
    I have 17 hospitalizations for suicidal attempts for severe depression, my attempt was at the age of 12 with my father”gun I didn’t have the courage shot at myself but shot the bullet at the closet door ,I was home alone I never told my parents what I did , last week I took 35 pills of xanax I thought I was gonna die this time but still alive. I’m 38 yrs old married but don’t love my husband even though he is a great husband.it’s so devastating living with bipolar and faking marriage just to get support when I’m in depressive episode, just having my husband to my nurse because when I’m free of episode I hate him. Please any advice

  46. Grateful I’ve not had to contend with Bipolar, my understanding is that it’s rough. Depression, on the other hand, I’ve had either by my side (when I’ve not been “too” tired to fight it) or deep inside since I was a very young woman. Depression : major, circumstantial, endogenous, remittances, back again… On it goes. A physical incurable illness plays it’s huge role in it. Not to say that Bipolar and Depression are not physical. Let’s hope we clarify and get to the bottom of that one in this century. I have real hope that medicine will.

    I think of all people, we tend to do A LOT of thinking and living in our minds. There are wonderful things about life to discover and learn in the places we reside. We do an awful lot of philosophizing and perhaps, more than most, ask that question “what am I here for, of what use am I?”

    I don’t know who you are Natasha Tracy, I just stumbled upon this post. Right when I needed what it is you have to give. In the middle of a Christmas night, in a foreign country so far from home, far from any personal hope, lost deep in a hole so profound I can’t see any way out… In this place I found your words, your work, and I felt comfort. I feel comforted by you and what you’ve given here. Comfort, just an ounce of it is so tremendously difficult to come by in this space and place. But you gave me some.

    From what I can see, you have given such Precious things – hope, comfort, inspiration… (things akin to joy) to many hundreds. So again, I don’t know you, but one of the special reasons you are here is evident. I’ll end this way to long of a comment by saying THANK YOU!

    thank you for what you do, it’s an awesome gift to touch just one spirit with a moment of genuine comfort, and you share your gift and time and work with so many of us. Thank you I deed!

  47. Thankyou for this article :) It’s comforting because I am in a real treatment fatigue mode at the moment, every day I question the validity of my medications and lifestyle changes. Frankly, it’s just hard, shouldering the weight of the illness and it’s implications. It was easier in some ways just to sucuumb to it.

    bipolar operates in it’s own chaotic rules, treatment is second guessing these instincts and useing your will and knowledge to override them. It’s tough. A constant process of second guessing.

    I wouldn’t give it up for the world though, although it’s frightfully difficult. Having some control over my actions and increased awareness has given me so much control over my life, and is even allowing me to begin the foundations of self esteem. Now there’s something! So, I have hope! X

  48. I just feel like I’m constantly drowning. This year has been the worst ever. I started out very hypomanic and ended up quitting my full time job moving my family to New York City with no jobs, no place to live, nothing. My parents helped us move back down to Florida when we ran out of money and credit.

    I had two of my beloved pets become ill without me realizing because of how hypomanic I was. They both died as a result of this. I can’t forgive myself of this lack of judgement.

    At the end of May, I got a job in a call center. I was doing okay for about a month and then I was having to call out of work regularly due to panic attacks and major splurts of depression. My husband has continued working the best he could to support us but we always fall short. My father in-law constantly gives us hundreds of dollars a week to keep us afloat but we don’t always cut it. My husband is being promoted in the next year but we don’t know how much it will bring.

    I’m in line with vocational rehab and have been since June. I am hoping for them to call me with a miracle. My husband’s boss is offering me a very part time job working from home. I feel like I can handle that.

    Today, I had to cancel an interview that would be the perfect job for me a year ago. It wouldn’t now. Besides the job being full time, it begins very early in the morning and I can’t seem to ever get myself out of bed before 10, no matter how early I go to sleep. I don’t think I’m ready to fully take on a real job but I really want to. I’m so depressed to have to cancel this interview.

    I feel like a constant failure and that I’m ruining my husband’s life. I don’t know how he deals with me and everything I put us through. I feel like he will eventually tire of all of it and leave but that would kill me. We’ve been together since high school. 8 years. He’s my best friend. I hate to be hurting him like this.

  49. I am so exhausted and discouraged. I am 41 years old and was diagnosed Bipolar at 19. I have been battling for years and I am tired. I pretty much have a severe depressive episode once a year that lasts as long as 8 or 9 months and when I finally get out of it and think that I have it together and that things are going well for a few months, the inevitable Crash pummels me again. I am on and have been on a variety of meds since I was diagnosed. Every time I finally climb out of my suicidal abyss, I vow that I will never get that low ever again and that I just can’t take one more depression. I have been in my latest Severely Anxious and Depressive Episode for 6 months now. I can not see surfacing from this one and even if I make it out, the Crash will happen again, after just a few “normal” months. I can’t take another one. This is my final straw. I have no hope and what is there to look forward to since history keeps repeating itself ? Why fight if it’s just going to happen again and again and again? I’m too exhausted and discouraged to keep fighting. I am so scared of my “Aloneness”…I have tried everything, meds, therapy, DBT,CBT,NLP,EMDR,EFT, Acupuncture, yoga, tons of high quality supplements…nothing helps!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I feel very trapped. I wish I were dead but I love my 3 cats dearly and it would destroy my mother’s life if I took mine so I am trapped. There is no way out but through…through to what…the inevitable Crash???!!! There’s no way out and I feel like such a hopeless loser. Thanks for your support. This is the first time I have posted anything online about my illness.

    • Hi Jules, omg you sound so much like me. I get out of one depressive long episode always to be hit by another and be bedridden, no appetite pains etc, i have not been able to work, thank goodness for my jobs disability, i loved my job, i was so heartbroken when imhad my first depressive episode, so severe i could not belive such an awful illness exists. My father died of alzheimers a few years ago, which in all of my poor health i helped my mom look after him until we could not handle him, now i am looking after my sick 85 year old mother. I also have a cat who i just got about three months ago, my last one died of cancer…how can i commit suicide and leave them? I too feel trapped and hopeless, thanks to my illness of now 20 years i never married or could have children. I feel alone and think what is the point. When imget out of my episodes life is just okay, because i still have always some mild form of it. I feel for you and what you are going through. I have tried every medication, therapy, holistic and others which cost me alot of money. I am at the encd of my rope, broke and do not know where to turn either,, go on living like this for how much longer? I am currently going through a really bad episode thus how i found Natashas site, which i am grateful for, i have never posted my illness problems before either, but she has somehow given me the strength to do so. I feel deeply for all of us in this situation and wish i could cure us all, because nobody deserves this horrible pain. I just felt compelled to respond when i read your post, know u are in my thoughts and i pray things turn around for all of us.

      • Thank you, Diane. I just read your reply and happened upon it. My therapist just told me that Medicare and some other insurance companies are now covering Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation. Google it. It is made for people who have chronic depression that is treatment resistant and is supposed to get rid of it permanently, though there were a few warnings about using it for Bipolar Disorder but I think it is worth looking into. I think it takes a lot of sessions, like 21 days in a row or something, but it’s really supposed to work. I think the Co-pays will add up though. Have you done EMDR? What about a Sun Lamp? There is 1 on Amazon by Sphere Technologies that is $69. It has the highest reviews on Amazon. My friend lent me one and I have been using it for a 8 days. You want to get one that is 10,000 lux and I have seen them as low as $49. I also started a new medication last Saturday too. I really don’t want to be taking it, in addition to all of the other crap I’m taking, because of the really bad potential side effects but I think it is worth giving it a shot instead of killing myself right now. So far, I seem to be tolerating it. I feel a little calmer. I think the sun lamp is worth a shot. It’s primarily made for people with SAD. I am also going to start volunteering at the animal shelter as a “Cat Socializer”. You just go and play with the cats and it makes you feel better, and of course the cats too, and makes them more adoptable. It’s not a steady commitment, you just go when you can so if you can’t make it out of the house that day, that’s okay and you don’t report to anyone. You just show up when you want. These are the 3 new strategies I am trying right now. The place where I work 2 days per week is closed for the month of January and I have been dreading this month for months…terrified that I will be stuck in a 24 hour daily loop of bad thoughts and emotional pain. I hope some of these ideas help you. I have also suffered with this for over 20 years (22 to be exact) and have never married or had children. Thank you very much for responding to my comment. I am going to check out the study that Michael mentioned now.

    • Hey Jules,
      I can really relate to how you feel and I’m sorry you are going through such a rough time. I wish I could offer you a magical miracle cure, but All I can really offer you is support. I was diagnosed twelve years ago and knew I suffered from depression long before I was diagnosed. I’m on my second month of a major depressive episode and the end doesn’t seem to be coming near. I can tell you though that forcing myself to show up to the job I normally love, getting outside daily, and seeing a therapist every week helps me pull through the daily grind of living. I also try to get as much contact with animals and nature as possible. Another neat trick I have learned is actually writing a gratitude list and saying a meaningful thank you to someone everyday, my latest trick is writing another gratitude list from the ways the illness has helped form the parts of myself that I do like, like how creative and understanding I am. This helps to keep a positive light on things, and I hope this helps.

  50. Hello folks.
    New to Natasha’s blog, suffering from depression, looking for some answers, scared to trust our ‘system’ of doctors, med pushers and little common sense degree holders. A sceptical maverick to say the least.

    I am wondering if anyone with BP has previously been diagnosed with Lyme Disease. If so, I am interested in hearing your story. As an active outdoorsman in the tick laden land of NW Connecticut, I have suspected that I have been carrying Lyme for a number of years. Unfortunately false negatives are more common than not. Over the past couple of years, coupled with much loss in my life, I’ve ‘contracted’ many of the symptoms of Lyme including depression, which has led me here.

    Great site! I’m glad I found it.

    • I grew up near ground zero and even met the first person known to have had it with a child in utero. My wife and I contracted it but were put on a serious dose of antibiotics. There are specialists in CT however. We have heard that Mass General has a great center for lyme. t. Its a tough disease. My friend was on an antibiotic drip for close to a year . we contracted it in the early eighties and I am Bipolar. We lived on the shore near Lyme.

  51. I have bipolar for over 25 years and believe me it never ends. I don’t even know how I make it everyday. I’m tired and just want it to end. I guess I should just accept I am doomed and hope there will be a cure one day.

    • Pat,
      I have had it for 4 decades.. Has it gotten worse over the years… May I ask how often you cycle.. I now cycle up t 4 times a day. Ultradian, I am. My mind is mush. I have no clue how I have made it so long.. I would have thought my heart would have exploded already because the depression and anxiety I have is off the charts. I am down to one med now for BP and one for anxiety. No more guinea pig for me. Any special tips?

      • Hi Michael, imfeel so bad for you, that is a long time to be dealing with it. I wish i could offer u some tips too, but honestly over my last 20 years, i have read every book, i mean i am addicted to researching. And i tried every almost every therapy from meds, natural path or holistic thIngs, detox, food allergy elimination, mercury filling elimination, hormone tests, hypnonis even, oh gosh could go on and on, spent much money too. I took my tests for neurotransmitters and hormone testing imhad done and paid for myself to my shrink and she told me to accept my illness and save my money, there is no cure, you are chronically ill in your head like someone who has heart problems and just accept it…this is her words. I told her then i mays well give up on life because i can not accept this and can not live like this, this is not living, it is existing….i keep hoping i hit on a cure, which i believe i truly do for all of us, it is one simple thing that is “off” but we cant quite pinpoint it. Meds mask not cure. But meds dont even work on me so they wont even mask. Sorry. Wish i could help us all. But i cant even help myself:(

        • Diane…
          Thnk you for the kind words. yup.. its been a roller coaster ride through hell. combined with complex PTSD I dont know how my heart hasn’t exploded from all the stress..

          One thing you should look at is a free 8 week course give by Tufts researchers.. No strings attached.. I took it last offering and I learned so much. I will be graduating on the 6th of January and with permission of the course leader Tom who is bipolar himself I will take it again on the 8th….Totally different approach at helping us.. I am taking it again the 8th of January.. Everything is free. There is homework and once a week there is a video conference. last course had 900 people. The homework is hard and many people drop out for some reason as in thinking it would be a quick fix and about mends perhaps and it isn’t. I am holding on but it gets harder every day as the meds get weaker and my cycles get worse. This course has helped me . http://www.bipolaradvantage.com/tufts.php

  52. I feel soooooo tired these days. It may have something to do with the time of year, i.e., the dark days of winter or the holiday season when I’m expected to go, go, go, do, do, do, spend, spend, spend, eat, eat, eat, etc until I’m so broke, fat and exhausted that I feel like I will NEVER recover. All I really want to do is shut out the world and hibernate like bear until Spring. Energy is already in limited supply having a bipolar disorder. This time of year just seems to exacerbate every symptom. I feel such a sense of hopelessness about everything. Intellectually I keep telling myself that this too shall pass but emotionally I feel like a train is barrelling toward me and I just don’t care. I’m too tired to get out of the way.

  53. I hate being bipolar and I hate taking my meds and I hate having a husband of 30 yrs that will not research the disease. I hate feeling angry. I have gaineing weight , I hate my doctor. I am just an angry person. I love my 4 kids so much!!!!

  54. I’m so tired. I’m so tired of meds that “don’t quite work,” generics that are a joke, therapy that is candy coated and a psychiatrist that is mainly interest in my sleep habits more than my cutting, despair, inability to function on certain days. I’m medicated better than ever but it is not enough. It’s. Not. Enough. So I self medicate with alcohol and Ativan and sleep and rumination. And I’m tired. So tired.

    • I understand completely, especially the rumination. At some point everyday, there’s an opportunity to think about everything I’ve done wrong my entire life. But mostly I yo-yo from thinking I’m the smartest one in the room, to episodes where I can’t look at myself in the mirror due to the disgusting person staring back. But what I’ve discovered is that this is the disease we have, and with it symptoms sometimes flare up. It’s not easy, but as long as we’re mindful that IT IS A DISEASE gives us (me at least ) a sliver of peace-of-mind.

      Good luck; remember “when you’re going thru hell, KEEP GOING.”

      • Morgan – Thanks for your words. It is comforting when others can relate to what I am going through – makes me feel much less alone in my battle. Thanks for reminding me of that Churchill quote also – I do keep going – just harder some times.

    • April May, are you willing to try something that is not “mainstream?” I know this may sound foreign to most and not apart of the conventional treatment for bipolar disorder, but there have been studies done on taking Niacin. This is just a B vitamin (B3). It has helped people recover from mental conditions like bipolar and schizophrenia. It is worth looking into. It is my believe that there is a reason for symptoms and conditions, it is not always just a “chemical imbalance.” The medical community would like to believe so, that way they can find a way to treat you pharmacologically. There is actually a good book on the topic called Niacin, The Real Story. I figured i would just put it out there, I wish you the very best.

      • Kimberly – Thanks for your suggestion, but in all honesty, it is a dangerous slender thread to hang ones hopes on in the world of mental illness. Yes, there is a reason for symptoms and conditions and mine happens to be a very real disease that has been proven by endless research, including imaging that shows brain matter differences between bipolar and non-bipolar persons.

        I am treated pharmacologically because that is the ONLY way I am able to be treated after many, many years of riding this roller coaster and trying every option known to man (and God…lest anyone suggest that prayer can heal me).

        Although I respect your beliefs, many “alternative” options have lead to very real and terrifying disaster for me personally and I choose to be treated with medications that, most of the time, work for me. When they don’t (there is no magic pill) I resort to yoga, meditation and exercise, but I am still tired of fighting. It’s exhausting. I know that others in my shoes will wholeheartedly agree.

        • I understand completely. You said you were tired and medications didn’t work. Just thought I would put it out there that Niacin has worked for lots of people struggling with bipolar disorder. I never said it wasn’t a real disease, just not always a chemical imbalance. Deficiency can lead to many conditions, including bipolar disorder. Was not trying to sway you one way or another, just putting it out there to “look into.”

          • Can you provide evidence to support your niacin claim? Niacin can also harm people..If you take niacin in doses of higher than 100 mg a day, you put yourself at risk of health problems even if you enjoy normal kidney function. Minor side effects include stomach upset, mouth soreness and skin flushes — your skin turns red and may burn, itch or tingle. More serious side effects include loss of vision, stomach ulcers, gout and liver damage. If you have type 2 diabetes, taking niacin may cause dangerous elevations in your blood sugar levels. If you have low blood pressure, niacin could cause unhealthy drops in your levels. The National Institutes of Health ended a niacin study in May 2011 amid safety concerns. Participants in the study who took 2,000 mg of niacin daily suffered more than twice as many strokes as persons who did not take niacin.

            http://www.livestrong.com/article/490762-niacin-kidneys/

            • Read the book i posted, I am not the expert. Of course any government run agency that makes profits on “pharmaceutical” sales is going to say any vitamin is “bad!”

            • I already take niacin from fish oil which is in an acceptable range becuase I do have kidney issues from lithium I take food based vitamins and have been vegetarian and shy away from drugs for BP as much as I can… I am not going to review 335 comments and would appreciate the link to the book if that is acceptacle to you. Thank you. PS .. Big pharma IMO owns the FDA and I take what they say with a grain of salt.. They also own many websites like webmd. They want customers for life and they are getting them. I am an ultradian cycler which makes things alot worse for me but I refuse to be a lab rat and try amd stick to a healthy diet

            • Thank you for your comment. I feel like I am the “odd” man out (or woman). But, i am used to that. Yes, the FDA is owned monetarily by “Big Pharma.” They want to push these drugs on us. The name of the book on Niacin is called “Niacin. The Real Story.” They also discussed some of it in a documentary called Fork over Knives. I believe that was the correct documentary, i watch so many:) Many ppl that have Graves disease are sometimes misdiagnosed as having bipolar disorder. I myself suffer from Graves disease and even though i don’t have the mania or severe depression, my mood swings are outrageous. I was however married to a man back in the early 2000s who suffered with bipolar disorder. I have read many books, my favorite was “The Unquiet Mind.” It is a true condition with real symptoms. Good for you for watching what you eat, etc. This effects us more than anything. There is a “gut-brain” connection and many ppl do not realize this. I was a nurse for 18 years, but it took having a daughter with Autism to realize the importance of nutrition. She has recovered through diet and supplementation. I am now a believer! All the chemicals in the food, water and air is really is killing us, not to mention all the garbage they put in vaccines and pharmaceutical drugs! Another story for another day. My husband also has severe debilitating anxiety (hereditary). Juicing has helped him more than anything. He would not have believed it. His psychiatrist has him stuck on 6mg of Xanax a day, he is having a hard time getting off this crap. It has the worse side effects of any drug! Blessings to you!

            • Thank you kindly for your response.. I have juiced for so many years and take spirolina and even have frozen wheat grass juice which is not pasteurized delivered to me.. I seem to get worse and quite frankly am very scared. As far as your husband being on Xanax. Thats one heck of a drug to get off of but it isnt the worst.. I cannot get off of klonopin..Been on it for many many years and my central nervous system is shot. Landed me in the hospital.. took 2 years to titrate from 8 mg to 1/4 milligram and then all hell broke loose. What bothers me so much is that doctors hand these pills out like candy.

              http://www.alternet.org/story/151166/america's_most_dangerous_pill

            • Also, if I am thinking of the study you are referring to, this was a study on cholesterol levels and Niacin. These patients were taking Statin drugs with Niacin. Statin drugs are horrible drugs with dangerous side effects. This study was not done on Niacin alone.

        • I wholeheartedly agree, but I am real sick and tired of being a lab rat. I have not yet as stable because I am Ultradian cycler which means I can cycle many times a day and Insurance company is forcing me to take generics which are not like the branded. We were all born innocent and yet we struggle so much. I wish you peace

          • Generics…Ugh! This weekend I picked up a refill on my Ativan, which is crucial to maintaining my high level of anxiety not only due to bipolar swings, but also OCD and PTSD. I took the bottle home and the pills looked different. I took them anyway with NO relief whatsoever. I took the bottle down to the pharmacy and insisted they were not what I had been receiving only to be told they WERE. I know what I take and what my pills look like after all this time. A second visit with another pharmacist at the same pharm told me that indeed they had switched generics on me. Did you know that the FDA allows a 20-30% variable amount of the active ingredient in generics. I did not until LOTS of research. You have to be your own doctor AND pharmacist, apparently.

            • My doc told me its a 40 percent swing.. Issue is the filler.. Different manufacturers use different fillers which can effect how the med is used by your system. Some can come on strong while others are weak.. Many branded pills have 10 manufacturers or more and they are mostly overseas.. The FDA could give a hoot. I find that most pharmacists know very little also.. Probably because they have so many different meds to deal with… And , if you notice many generics have gone up in price tremendously since the branded aren’t available… Money. Money, Money.

        • hi. I have suffered for years. I have been married for 28. I have two children….one of whom is completely handicapped. The other….thank god….is normal. But that is not my plight…..I am Bi Polar. I suffer everyday….with out bursts…then happy times. I am on 8 medications…..which I take as prescribed….(sort of)

          I read your story. I am interested in your welfare. Somehow …..I care….I want nothing from you. I do not want to interfere…….or hurt you. I am alone….I know you are too. I want to share moments of feeling alone….hurting….and then……leave you be to sort it out…..My name is Bill Kipp. I live in California….I am not a bad guy….a real person….who feels, cares, and is not out to hurt anyone. If you cant reach out to me….its ok…I understand….it was meaningful to read your story. I wish you the best. my email is tuffykipp3@yahoo.com…..and again….my name is Bill. I am on [moderated]. take care…..just looking to be helpful….

  55. hi all,
    I hv bipolar fr d past 3 yrs n am dying every moment of it.
    Right now i dont get out from my room straight fr a week or so.
    I feel unable to move. I feel like dying all the time. Someone plz help me.

    • I hardly ever leave the house and sometimes I come down so hard that I am in bed for a few months.. Happened twice… I believe its because I have severe anxiety also and major depression. I feel for you.. The only help I can offer is that somehow we make it another day…. And try hard to remove as many triggers from your life. I have at least 7 that I cannot remove because they are real and happening as I write. I cant beleive my heart has not exploded. I wish you peace.

  56. I understand what each of you are going through. One day I’m fine, the next day I just don’t want to live anymore. Then I realize, life is a struggle regardless of this disease. I got tired of feeling sorry for myself. Keep trying. I’ve been reading and learning as I’ve went along. Try alternative methods to meds (not saying to go off meds, but in addition to the meds). Every person is different, so what works for me may not work for you. The main struggle with bipolar, for me anyways, is having to deal with the suicidal thoughts. It took me a long time to accept my doctor’s diagnosis that I am bipolar. I’ve now accepted it. i guess you can say I believe I am now. That was a hard pill to swallow. In the end, you will have to fight. When those thoughts come you have to step in. It is as if there are two people in your head. The one is weak, unable to cope with the challenges of life and constantly has depressing thoughts. The other one, the real you, watches and gets absorbed in the negativity. Before you know it, you two have become one. You allow that negative entity to take you over. But, you can fight. By fight I mean, stick with your meds, get support from family and friends, and try different things to alter your mood. You might try mindfulness meditation. This works, because I’ve tried it. I had to force myself to sit still though. After a while the mind will be subdued. You just observe the feelings in your body and your thoughts, without interfering. Once you get a clear view of those thoughts you realize they are just that, thoughts. Those thoughts are powerful, but so are positive thoughts. How do you defeat the darkness? You bring in some light. I hope this inspires someone out there.

  57. Hi everyone. I know the struggle everyone is going through.. Maybe a little different though. I’m 18, in college and have a job, but I have no aspirations. Work is a struggle, and even though, I’m doing alright at school I have panic attacks about every single assignments given. I’ve been diagnosed with BPII for about 2 years now and whenever I feel like anything is getting better it stops and takes a 180, and I’m mad/upset about the most random crap. I cried myself to sleep last night, and I’m sad that I make my family worry. I know that there is info on what it the disease is and what it does to the mind that I can share with them to give a little bit of insight, but there is nothing like actually experiencing it. I go through rapid cycles, switching from manic to depressed usually every week. The thing is… I can’t tell if I’m ever stable anymore. It’s hypomania, so I don’t go way over the top, but it makes me worry that whenever I’m feeling good, it’s just because I’m having another episode. I don’t know what my normal is and I’m beginning to lose myself. I don’t remember what my personality is or how I used to act. I looked up help for suicide from bipolar last night, as I was bawling my eyes out. I just… I don’t get it. I don’t want to kill myself, I really don’t. But I’m hurting everyone around me and sometimes I really feel like it’d be the best decision for everyone. Great statistics though really. 20% commit suicide and 90% fail with marriages. It’s really reassuring. Even on meds I still get episodes pretty harshly. I’m at a loss. Can anyone help?

    • Hi. I am old enough to be your dad. But…..I am on your side. You see., i suffer too. Try not to rely so much on numerical statistics. You see……..your an individual. Your issues are yours…..only yours….not alike by anyone else….that makes you very special…..maybe a sad special…..but special just the same. The fact you leave a comment….on a blog….means….your reaching out. I am reaching out too. I need you and what you go through….to help me…..as much as you might like to know what hurt me. In that, we can help each other. I mean no harm. I want no info from you….personal that is…..I wish you the best…..My name is Bill. I live in Southern California…..I have been married for many years….I have wonderful children. BUT……I am afflicted. I have been treated for bi polar for over two years now. I have had bad thoughts, done bad things….and am reaching out….to help and learn…..again, I wish you well…..take care….Bill Kipp tuffykipp3@yahoo.com

  58. Am trying to follow the advice and just keep breathing but at the same time a voice tells me that if I can just manage to hold my breath for long enough it will all just slip away. Somewhere in these posts someone talks about “Bipolar is an illness that wants you to die”. I have known that for a longtime. I now believe, even without any parano/ délusions, that my daughter would prefer me to die too. I don’t doubt that she she loves me. But she can’t deal with life with me, and the bipolar, in it anymore. I did not shower this week, nor change my clothes, nor clean up the house, nor cook her fine dinners when she gets hope from a long day at Uni. It is all I can manage to do to keep breathing. I even want someone to congratulate me for the fact that I am still breathing, not to look at me with barely concealed loathing. I want her to come home and hug me and feel relieved that I am alive. Please help me God.

    • I could of not told my own story any better than you tell yours. I am sad…..we live the same life….have the same thoughts…geesh…..I have not showered or bathed in 2 months……I suppose that doesnt make us alike…..but I understand. Your friend….Bill

  59. I have been struggling with this disease for years, so many medicines and so many different doctors. Two failed marriages now and yet everybody tells me to hang in there that it gets better. When? I’m so tired, I’m just absolutely exhausted. This disease takes away everything. I’m so so so tired.

  60. The first thing I thought when I heard that Robin Williams had died was , ” I bet he just got too tired to deal with it anymore”. There are days when I feel the same. Williams was my age. After 63 years of dealing with this stupid disorder I completely understand the exhaustion it brings.

  61. Nice thoughts, but why should we keep fighting? For others. What about us? I really can’t take this, I feel out of control and keep hitting roadblocks to being OK (like my psych refusing to work with my schedule anymore… every psych turns out to be unavailable *just* as I am making progress). My MD won’t fill my meds. I have a FT job and can’t “just breath.” I have responsibilities and obligations.

    The hardest realization for me lately is: “What’s left?” I have no big reasons to continue this fight. I have accomplished every big life goal except having a child, which I so desperately want. But guess what? I can’t have one. So, please tell ME, for ME, why I should keep fighting, living out this Groundhog Day or boredom and pain over and over??

  62. I’m 45 and alone. Today I’m especially tired. Today I’m weepy. Today I feel like twice burnt toast. So I read your article and I’m just breathing. Hanging out with my dog and breathing. Maybe in an hour or a day or a week it will be better. Thanks Natasha and all of the commentators for being there .

  63. Natasha,

    This is a great article. The following sentences took my breath away…”Bipolar disorder, depression, what have you, wants you to die. The disease wants to rob you of everything you will experience tomorrow, the next day and the day after that. But you’re not going to let it. You’re going to breath. In and out. One at a time. One moment at a time. Knowing that if that’s the best fight you can put up at the moment, it’s enough.” Just reading these sentences creates the mental shift we need to keep going until we need another reminder. Thanks Natasha!

  64. This hits home; been diagnosed for a year (while knowing all my life there was something wrong); been through the usual stigma (called lazy, stupid, “space cadet, etc. growing up);took an IQ test last year, scored 132 (who’s’ fucking stupid???) I’m 52 now and FREAKING TIRED OF THIS SHIT!. Tired of ruminating about all the reprehensible behavior, tired of that damned black dog following me around, tired of waiting for the next episode to come (which it will), tired of people who can’t or won’t “get it”, tired of the absolute, mind-numbing, tedious boredom. Called my psych today to reevaluate my meds; been on same ones for a year and may need to revisit the mixture of my cocktail.

    This cannot go on.

    • Morgan,
      I have found no panacea in the myriad of meds I have taken. I think I am becoming treatment resistant and thats ok because I no longer choose to be a lab rat for drug pushers with medical school degrees. My bipolar dates back maybe 4 decades ago. I really am not being pessimistic rather a realist. I am an ultra cycler which makes it worse and have severe anxiety and depression. We say this cant go on, but it does, especially when one has a family that needs you. I went on disability many many years ago and the loneliness of bp is mind boggling even when I am speaking to people the BP is on my shoulders whispering in my ears. 24 hours of hell to pay.. It does go on. Albeit it gets very tiring. or some they may be able to work but for people like me I was at the top of my game and I crashed so hard I still have not been able to get up and it has been years and years . I wish you peace.. I wish all of us peace..

  65. Hi been feeling so horrible lately. I’m just mean to everyone around me that matters. Especially at the end of the day. Iam so tired of dealing wirh thinking throught my feelings examining them going through a logical analysis just to make sure that what I am feeling is real or is it just me going through depression or mania. If it were up to me I ch3ck out tomorrow but I have a family. I have to stay around for them. Never thought that it would be a sacrifice to live.

  66. I am 51-yrs old and it is becoming quite difficult to function at a full-time job, walk the dogs, clean and organize my condo/apartment. I’m scared of NOT working and going on long-term SSDI. It takes a long time for the SSDI payments to be received…..6-months if your lucky and most likely 5-years. I would never end my own life; however, I wouldn’t be disappointed if it occurred sooner than later. I’m currently enrolled in a partial care program and I’m out of work on temporary disability. I will return to work because I have to pay the bills so the dogs and I don’t become homeless. This is the ABSOLUTE LAST TIME I can do this. I’ve been out 4-times on temporary disability ranging from 2-months to 6-months. I am so tired of fighting my bipolar. I am hopeful that Dialectical Behavioral Therapy works for me. Every day is a constant struggle……pretending that I am OK. I find comfort in my home, but not when I am out of my home. I refuse to call 911 or go to the emergency room as both can have me locked up. Who will take care of my dogs and cat? I’m even looking for a different job, hoping the new job will dissolve my bipolar.

  67. I can’t take it anymore. I keep getting myself up, way up in the clouds to this extreme superman-like high and then after a while I descend into the lowest of the lows and I’m just exhausted of it all. None of the meds help or they help some hwat, but they make me impotent and reaffirm why I am alone at 31. It’s over.

    • Hi Rob,

      Want to know a secret? I’m alone at 36.

      It’s not over, it’s just not ideal. It is exhausting – no doubt about that. But it does get better. I’ve had periods where it felt like the end of the world. But I’ve had periods when it wasn’t. You have to stick around for those periods that aren’t.

      – Natasha Tracy

  68. Chris, don’t give up. I am 40 and tired of fighting. I have gone so far as to pack up my house (to not be a burden to everyone) when I take my own life. But then I take a drive – see the beauty, hold a warm puppy, hold my face to the sun, put a snowflake on my tongue, lay down in the grass and feel it warm on my skin – and I understand the “high” points of all of this. The low points are low points – and they SUCK. But learn to manipulate your brain in the low points – tell yourself over and over that there is good. And committing suicide is not cowardly – that is what they tell us so we won’t do it. Yes, does it take bravery to fight the awful feelings, yes – but cowardly is a horrible word especially when those who say it don’t understand the awful pain. Please find someone to understand – to talk freely about your feelings. Someone who will not judge you for your fluctuations between happy and sad. It is out there. Please don’t give up!! Please.

  69. I read your articles about fighting . I am 37 and I am so tired of fighting, I’m so tired of feeling peoples pain, so tired of crying , so tired of faking a smile. And I used to think like you did,. FIGHT FIGHT. FIGHT.. but now I am starting to notice that I am more scared of killing my self then living with this horrible thing.
    People say its cowardly to kill yourself but our biology forces to want to live . so is it really a cowards way out when it goes against our very instinct for survival , I think it takes big balls to commit suicide , I wash I had them..

    • @chris
      I know how it feels like to hit rock bottom over and over again, and I actually agree with you on the bravery it takes to go against your instincts and commit suicide.

      But I know that I will only live once and I’m trying my best to live it happily. I even left my Ivy league college to another college (a less stressful one) and it’s working out great for now.

      My point is that creating a less stressful environment is the best way to do it, no amount of meds, CBT, and social support will help you if you’re under a lot of stress.

  70. Bunnywatson, P.S…What I meant was when I said something like “it might be true” about their attitude…what I meant was “it might be true they’re being a pain in the ass!” ;P reread and just wanted to clarify.

  71. Bunnywatson, I have had that issue, but on varying degrees. It seems like but for a very small amount of my mothers side, all have forms of bipolar depression. My fathers side not so much…So weirdly enough, me being a black sheep (trumped up by my mother, I think, who suffers also greatly) I’ve never been fully alright on any side…of course this could be my paranoia…but non the less I still feel like an alien in the room unless I’m pushing to be a superhero…even in cases where I was not. My little brother (half from my mothers side but full in my heart) died after not being able to sleep for days and took some of my mothers methadone which they gave to her for pain and not a previous drug addiction. I flew back to Michigan (Mom’s state, fathers is CA) and I was numb. I petted his head for a bit, touching his head to feel him and the now vacancy…to tell him I love him)….My grandmother told me how strong I was being…but that’s me..I have extremely delayed reactions to things…not sooo much stunted, that I feel like I go into “emergency mode”….the final impact, thinking of how he suffered the most, took a chance and died from it..The sound of my mothers anguish and my stepdads quiet catastrophe (just as loud, in a contextual way, like a painting) filled my ears…I collapsed a year later…Anyway, my Dads side (or grandfathers wife’s side who are like family) are far different..very “church and decency” but though they are kind, and they very socially what they interpret as Christian…I fit in nowhere…accept for my Dad who I wish never had me or my sister, who are both certifiably insane. Though, I do feel there are those who travel “exotic roads” such as we who can be the family we never had. I wish mine would forgive/speak with me…I feel like my heart has been ripped out…* I have to remind myself of that because I am no longer able to keep up fronts…But for what it’s worth, keep going, try and trust in a moment, and if you shut down…that’s okay..we build in moments. Don’t allow your fam to make you feel less than, even if it’s true they might at times. You gain power by not allowing a victor but an even road of reciprocity, anything else is not allowable. I personally let my mind looks up to the clouds moving in the sky, and I feel a burst of joy there because, that is truth and beauty.*

  72. keep fighting guys!!! I Don’t think the world knows how mental illness destroy lots of individual and families! i’m gonna do something about this!! don’t give up guys

  73. I had to comment on the entry from the lady who has a destructive sister. I truly hope that she and her mother do not take this woman in again. I am bipolar, and I realize that I have a responsibility to my loved ones to work hard at recovery. She and her mom cannot force her sister to get help or to do what she needs to do. They need to get out of this situation before it destroys them both.

  74. I was so severely depressed since adolescence. I would seem to cycle out of it for two months a year or so and have energy, stay up all night etc. I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar 2. Took anticonvulsant mood stabilizers for 3 years. Lived in side effect hell, developed dyskenisa and finally quit everything cold turkey. Somehow I had an intuition to try B12 shots. I figured that it couldn’t hurt, even though I had exhausted every other alternative treatment including rTmS in the past. Every 5 weeks for the past 5 months I’ve been getting them. I feel like a human being. In feel alive, I feel healthy, I feel better than I ever have in my whole life. Just wanted to post this for anyone who is losing hope. Anticonvulsants cause severe depletion of B12. Just look up b12 misdiagnosis or deficiency.

  75. Do you think that symptoms of chronic fatigue disorder and or lupus can actually be just a period of “going down” as we seem to call it in our family. I know my gramme “goes down” for months at a time where she is in bed, sleeping and never gets up. Since I have began taking better care of myself physically it’s as if my body is like hell no and I am in pain and exhausted ALL. THE. TIME.
    I’m going to see a holistic doctor tomorrow because MD’s just give me pills and I just take them, so I want to avoid that but I’m noticing that as I am coming back on an “up” my exhaustion is decreasing, I am getting more energy I am exercising and participating more in life and guess what, I am not hurting like I was for the past few months. Imagine that. I dont have the option to shut down like gramme and go into a cave for months at a time, I have a family and work 1 and a half jobs. Is this “shut down” with exhaustion and pain then, something like when gramme “goes down” into the bell jar?

    To attribute it to bipolar disorder freaks me out. Not that I want an additional debilitating disease, accepting the bipolar diagnosis was hard enough. But to wrap my head around the bipolar disorder being the cause of the chronic fatigue and lupus symptoms is really rather depressing. It would make sense, but it sucks.
    Do you suppose the two are related??

  76. I don’t have bipolar but bipolar has my family.
    My sister and I are a year apart. She is the older. As teenagers dating she would embarrass me no end with her weird behavior. I just thought she was nuts. She spoke often about depression. At home she was a rebel and my parents not being aware of what her issue was would try to discipline her. It always ended in screaming matches. She was engaged to be married and 6 weeks before wedding the guy called it off. By this stage she was already drinking heavily. I got married soon after and was happy to leave the madhouse and distanced myself from her. As I started my own family I discouraged communication with her- she just embarrassed me. But the fights at my parents home continued and became more violent. They believed her problem was alcohol and taking anti depressants. We know now that it was her bipolar. Dad died at the age of 55 and mom was left to cope with her. By this stage she had lost good jobs and was in and out of rehab. Nothing but nothing helped her. She was unable to live independently and met one man after the other and ruined their lives. To the extent of them dying. About 12 years ago I decided to try and help her. She was in a government hospital drying out once again. I begged the doctors to look into her mental state believing the her problem was not alcohol. The admitted her to a mental hospital and advised me that she had bipolar. I had never heard of it. They gave her meds and weeks later discharged her. She was living in a granny flat that I and mom were paying for. She went straight back to drinking and did not take her meds. I had my own family to worry about and gave up on her. She moved back in with my mom and her partner and that destroyed my moms relationship. He left my mom. Eventually 6 year ago mom threw her out of the house. She met up with a hobo and they moved into a back room. It was the most peace we had had for many years. The hobo died a few weeks ago and all my moms problems with her are right up there again. My sister is 60 years old. She has nothing and no work and no real family that care anymore.
    It has just all been to much!
    I don’t know what will become of her. She is dependent on state hospitals and gets a disability grant of pittance.
    I don’t want the responsibility and my mom is now 89. I support mom and don’t need extra pressure.
    Help!!!

  77. Thanks I was at the end of my rope was gonna tie it in a knot and say good bye but after reading this ill give it one more try and be tired and just breathe though my body is full of pain and so os my mind i just cant fight this battle much longer … Feel so alone i will be 50 this month and big deal

    • I haven’t commented in a long time. I meed to chime in and say that there were many days in the past that I took Natasha’s advice to just take one more breath. Just one more breath in through my nose and out through my mouth kept me alive for a few more seconds. Sometimes I had my eyes squeezed tight against the terrors and pains of my grief stricken skewed reality, but those breaths….one at a time kept me alive until I was able to recover little by little day by day. Now I’m functioning more” normally”. whatever that means. Lol….but I am always on alert for red flags….am I sliding down a slope? Am I racing ahead too fast? Recovery is One day at a time….just like they say in AA. Much love to my fellow breathers.

    • I haven’t commented in a long time. I need to chime in and say that there were many days in the past that I took Natasha’s advice to just take one more breath. Just one more breath in through my nose and out through my mouth kept me alive for a few more seconds. Sometimes I had my eyes squeezed tight against the terrors and pains of my grief-stricken, skewed reality, but those breaths….one at a time… kept me alive until I was able to recover little by little day by day. Now I’m functioning more” normally”. Whatever that means. Lol….but I am always on alert for red flags….am I sliding down a slope? Am I racing ahead a little too fast? Recovery is One day at a time….just like they say in AA. Much love to my fellow breathers. Just keep doing it. I’m a fixer. When something is broken I think I have to fix it. You don’t have to try too hard to make life work or be better. Just breathe one more time.

  78. I fight everyday with Bipolar Depression…I have to constantly battle my mind….However, I have seen experienced my family not understand my illness. Thank you for speaking truth on your blog.

  79. This topic hit home for me. I struggle everyday to just get up and go to work. Some people think it is laziness or I am being difficult, but when another person does not understand what bipolar does to a person they have no sympathy for the situation. I will admit in the past I have attempted suicide, lived a poor life and alienated everyone around me. For the past 10 years I have devoted myself to trying to gain the upper hand in the illness. I see both a therapist and a psychiatrist. I take five different meds for just the bipolar, which does not include the pills for my other conditions. On top of all this craziness I also have ADHD!!! I am a super manic crazy person. But in the blink of an eye, I can be sad and crying. As of last week I took a genetic test to determine what type of medication will work for me. I possibly will get the result tomorrow. The test operates on the information about how the body processes certain types of medications. I know I have a problem with my body metabolizing my meds too fast. Both of my doctors say it is a nice change to see somebody who truly wants to fight the illness and my answer is I want t be a better person for my spouse. So even when I have days where I could sleep for 20 hours I force myself to get up and face the day. Only by showing the bipolar who is the boss can a person get a grip on the debilitating side effects of thise disease. Over the past 10 years I received my Associates and Bachelors degrees in criminal justice and am in the last few weeks of my Masters in psychology. Feeling positive about who you are and what you want you can climb the mountain of depression. You have to be willing to take the steps to seek help, stay proactive in your own well being, and yes, hide behind a cloak protection from those around us who feel bipolar is a scary disease they might catch. There is a difference between having the blues and having bipolar. There are healthy episodes of sadness such the death of a loved one or pet that a person must go through but when depression never goes away, or your behaviors are inappropriate for the situation, please seek help. There is help and it is tragic when a person feels they are not worth saving. Everyone has the right to be happy and healthy.

    • can you talk more about genetic testing.. Didnt know it was available or could be helpful. Thank you kindly.

  80. Hello Sophie, I just read your story, and its exactly like mine. I have suffered for as along as I can remember. Family members and the friends that I had ,I have lost because for them being depressed is just a escapist route. Sometimes even I wonder if I am just running away but bipolar has taken over my life. I just turned 30 and have been so depressed all the time that now my brain .just stoped responding. I cannot face people because in my maniac state I seem so positive, full of ideas, full if what I am doing and suddenly I fall so depressed that everything seems impossible. I only have a father as family and u can see my episodes are breaking him, I just cannot cope with being an adult at this point.the smallest of task seems like a mountain. It doesn’t feel normal because other people are just able to put a smile on and do everything when they are sad. This depression has stunted my mental growth. I don’t know how long I can keep putting up with my episodes, I have cried so much that my tears have stopped rolling out, I can see I am loosing what little I have, but I am not able to do anything. I just hide in my room.I just want to give up ,bipolar has destroyed my life. I don’t see the point of living, if this keeps happening. From the age of 14 it started and now I just feel so week, I do not trust any decision I take when I am like this.I have become a compleate failure. Everyday I sleep I hope to never get up again.Sleeping is the only peaceful time,I always end up dreaming about being in school. I do not know how things will ever improve,people who see me say I look as if I am carrying the burden of the entire world. I thought God only gives you that much that you can handle. Cannot he see that I cannot handle this bipolar.
    sorry I am just ranting and ranting but I don’t know what else to do.I wish cynide was easily available. I would just put an end to this misery.

    Sophie if you are reading this, could you please tell me how you coped, what do I do to improve the situation.

    • Rolls, hope you are having a good day today… well i really dont know how to start. To begin with, I havent cope with it yet. I do have some days where i´m not doing that bad. One thing that helps is to have a part time job; where you dont have many responsabilities, at least till you can feel that you are ready to take the next step. That oblies you to get out of bed, having a bath and getting dressed. AND that is already something you would have accomplished and makes you feel better that you were able to do that. I mention a job with not many responsabilties because sometimes we cant put 2 and 2 together, or at least that happens to me. So if we fail doing something we would feel worse. How do I overcome the feeling of thinking that i cant do it, i just obly myself. I swear that once you are out of your house you will curse for the first 10 minutes, probably cry, and then you forget from time to time. And when its time to go back to your house, you feel relief with some sort of happiness because you have succeed in doing it. Another thing is to compromise with treatment. There will be times where you would hate it, BUT what i do is to ask myself many times to myself what am i doing to try to change things instead of complaining about my reality. How can i get closer to the life i want to have.
      Am i tired? YES
      Am I scared of not being able to change thing? YES, ALL THE TIME
      do i feel lonely? YES, and i longed for all the people that had once been in my life
      Are there times where i wish i werent alive and would love to have the guts to commit suicide? HELL YES.
      But i try just to observe those thoughts with no judgement. Not feeling sorry for myself, and i try to focus on somrthing else where thinking is not involved. Read a book, watch a movie. So you are engaged with that and you give your emotional brain a break.
      I also have to deal with and struggle with my eating disorder and all the consequences of it which make my swing moods even worse but i try not to be so hard and mean to me. I think what would i do if someone whom i love suffers from this. Probably i would be nicer.
      I dont know if this helps, hope it does, and as ive said before sorry for my grammar and spelling mistakes
      take care ,
      sophie

  81. Hi everyone. I am not diagnosed bipolar but I have now realized that there is something wrong. I feel people don’t understand me. They hurt me. I feel a failure because I could have done so much but sabotaged everything. I used to be known as brilliant but I have achieved nothing so far in the worldly sense. I am totally hopeless with no job…a sabotaged career..and now losing memory. Its hard. I wish God would tell me what I am needed for. I fear I will have no strength at all and will one day just be dead. I don’t know what to do.

    • Your thoughts and words are all too familiar to me. Probably a good idea to seek professional help.

    • I ask God daily to please show me my purpose for being here, I feel completely lost. I have accomplished nothing other than managing to stay alive and not give in to the part of me that seems to want me dead.

      Feels harder to get up and try each day that my life continues. I am currently in a relationship, and should have known better. I am watching it slowly fall apart because I’m “dramatic” and now boring because it takes everything I have to function day to day.

      I’ve tried to explain things to her but just like with most people…they just don’t understand. What hurts is when you do your best to understand and relate to other people and their problems but no one can be bothered to do the same for you…especially when its those who supposedly care about you.

      I feel like some sort of alien….outcast….weirdo.

      I’ve struggled with this for most of my life. Exercise, try eating healthy, try to be social….but I’m tired. I just want to stop and rest. I want my mind to stop causing me pain. I want peace and rest.

  82. I am so grateful for your exceptionally insightful posts and realistic encouragement.

    I would like to share a few words from a dear friend that lift me at times – ” Yes Jim, but on your best day what do you see yourself doing?”. At this time I go to another tool, my vision board, to help me hold on.

    I am almost 50 and have weathered many storms. Each time I come out the other side I am thankful and grateful I found a way to be not too tired to try.

    With you.

  83. I have suffered with bipolar all of my life. I had a nervous breakdown at 14 years of age, was hospitalized, and spent thousands of dollars in therapy etc. I’m 55 years old, mother of 4 grown children, and I live in my moms unfinished garage. I’ve worked harder and longer than anyone I know, but I’m still treated and talked about like I’m a piece of shit. I have no friends, no car, and I spend everyday in this garage with no windows. What’s my purpose here? I’m not able to physically do anything anymore, so I’m of no use to anyone. I was 16 years old when I had my first child and got a full time job and was totally self supporting. Now I have nothing, thanks to a divorce and then a mother who sold my home from under me and kept all the monies. It was illegal, but I didn’t want to take my mom to court on fraud charges. She hates me, and always has, and I’m tired of breathing, and just taking up space. I’ve always been there for others, helped as much as I could have, and this is my reward,

    • Hi Carolyn…I just read your paragraph on living with bipolar, 4 kids, life history etc… You and I have so much in common. If you would like maybe we can email eachother. No one understands me and I feel unwanted and useless. You touched my heart. Maybe I will hear from you. Take care and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

  84. I just discovered this site after spending the day hysterically sobbing like a5 year old. Which would be okay if this wasn’t the 100th+weekend in a row I’ve spent doing so. And I’m not talking crying or even wooing m I’m taking that full body sobbing that you did add a kid that you were unable to stop, that reached every portion of your body and could only be stopped by a blanket over your head and finally passing out. This had been going on for so long now I’m can’t even remember the lady day of I actually went outside. not that I’d have anyone to go with anyway.i was 1st diagnosed with Bp at 18 but choose to ignore it add the idea of lithium scared me to much. Stuck with ordinary SSRIs until a psychiatrist about 4 yrs ago put me on lamictal. to bad it took so long. My manic behaviors had made me tons of friends. In college and out. Although I was always paranoid of every relationship and never truly believed anyone ever liked me for me, there was someone available. I went through secession boyfriend. Teachers food me intriguing add did boss. I hoped between degrees, apartments circled of friends, boyfriends, jobs, apartments, cities, countries, all the while thinking this was normal behavior, I was just a curious soul.

    • Nicole. I am sorry and feel your pain. I cry all the time too…and wait for solution. I force myself to be around people so I can be normal. That is the only way you will stop crying.

  85. Hi DY, I read your post and I would love to talk to you if you would like,
    I feel the same, its so exhausting, depression or bipolar disorder,
    almost no one understands, Ive been hurt so many times in past, struggled,
    always fighting, I used to have lots of friends, being outgoing and doing fun things,
    then we all outgrew somehow from eachother, because of lot of things
    that happend to me and hurted me I started to be “too weird” for people
    I kind of drifted away from them also because I was tired of constant judgment
    my family doesnt even know what Ive been through, at least I thought that
    your own family would help you and support you, but not in mine, its even harder,
    like Im all alone in this world to fight with this, everything feels like killing me inside
    emotionally, Im slowly making a step by step progress because of my own strength
    which I have no idea where Im getting from.. and for a while I can smile that Im goingforward
    and then bam… people hurt you, your family hurt you too…
    They tell me why Im like that why Im so negative.. they make me
    feel like Im the worst person in the world, but Im just struggling and
    nothing helps anymore… I always try to help people, I dont judge, I listen I understand
    because I know what real pain is… yet Im the worst… with no one around…
    why…

  86. I’m bipolar aswell. These last couple of weeks have been very hard for me and today i just came to the conclusion that I’m tired of feeling like this. My nephew past away 2 weeks ago and i found out yeaterday that my brother in law tried suicide with rat poisen. I feel very low and tired but i try to cover it all up because i”ve got a husband and 2 wonderfull girls. They wont understand why i”m just tired and cant cope anymore. Its nice to see theres others like me, who feels the same and going through the same.

  87. I’ve never been compelled to write out my feelings publicly, but I just had to tell you Natasha how much I appreciate your words of encouragement.

    “Bipolar disorder, depression, what have you, wants you to die… Knowing that if that’s the best fight you can put up at the moment, it’s enough.”

    I literally bursted into tears after reading that paragraph. I just needed your words at this moment. Just some kind of hope… someone to reassure me that I’m not alone… that I’m not a failure… that I can still keep going no matter how much I want to give up. Everything you have written I can relate to.

    I’m 27, unemployed, live with my parents, and tired of this ongoing vicious cycle and battle with my mental illness. Just when I think everything’s going to be fine *BAM* I get into a manic episode and am completely humiliated by my actions. I can’t face any colleagues or friends who have seen me in my psychotic episodes. Luckily I still have close friends who understand that I am not my illness that reach out and continue to have a relationship with me. I really don’t know where I’m going with this post, but I just had to let you know how much I needed to read your words of hope, strength, and kindness. I also am thankful for all the other commenters who were brave enough to share their stories and offer words of kindness as well. – From California with Love <3

  88. I was diagnosed with bipolar back in 1997.I have been hassled by people at my church that I don’t need to that my meds .I just want them to leave me alone! I am 32 now and I know I need to be on meds because the help me! Some people are so nosy and intrusive. What would you guys do in my shoes?

    • Lily, you know what works for you and that’s all that matters. People who don’t have bipolar themselves or haven’t experienced mental illness firsthand, will never truly understand what it’s like to go through the ups and the downs. As long as you feel like your meds are helping you, continue to take them and disregard what everyone at your church says. It’s better to be safe than sorry. Take care and keep fighting the good fight.

    • Lily
      Doesn’t sound like a nice church with caring people. Why take the abuse. Find another church and do not let them know you are bi-polar. Then you can pray in peace. Thats what matters.

    • Lily – If they (or any church-going associates) try to tell you things like this, you may want to consider responding with something I read not long ago: Deliverance prayers and similar things are most often used as diagnostic tools, by those who are knowledgeable in the practice. The reason is that if what you have responds to medical treatment, then prayers will help but don’t just go off the meds, and yours seems to respond. By all means pray, for help, for healing, and most of all, for God’s Grace. Then tell the person giving the suggestions you’ll pray for them too.

      In the meantime, I’ll be praying for you as well.
      God bless

  89. I am so glad that I came across this tonight. I having been dealing with this since I was a small child. I obviously did not realize I was bi-polar then but it started out with always being nervous and shy and I always found it hard to keep friends. I did grow up in a very toxic environment when I was a child (which probably contributed to my illness) drugs, abuse, etc. When I was about 7 I started hearing voices, not voices telling me what to do but almost like being in a loud arena and I never understood what they were saying. Now I know it was my racing thoughts. Then I did a lot of stupid things going into adulthood. I have tried almost every drug, never really liked alcohol…too much effort…drugs were quicker. That didn’t go well at all. I did finish college but never used my full potential at all. I was in a 3 year relationship in my late teens. I moved in with him at 17 because my mom was a IV drug user and I wanted out and I was too dumb to realize that I can’t even love myself…how the hell can I love someone else. I then cheated on him because of my own insecurities and like someone else on here said “son’t trust your brain”. I always thought he was cheating on me and maybe he did maybe he didn’t but I thought I was going to be the one to hurt him first…(OMG this is the first time ever I have ever talked about any of this), I guess this is a good start :)) So, another relationship down the drain. I was an absolute idiot when we broke up and went crazy and got into more drugs. About a year later I met the man I have been with for almost 14 years. I feel so bad for him. He comes from a good home and his parents are still together and mine are on their 3rd marriage. I have done everything there is to ruin this relationship. At this point I have still not been diagnosed because I am the best actress ever, I can be the life of the party. The majority of the people in my life other then family who not even know I am…and it is exhausting…so exhausting. I have had really good jobs and I screw them up somehow. I think I really started to notice it after I had kids. I just thought I was depressed. I had a health scare and had 12 surgeries in one year and I had a cancer scar and I don’t think I have been the same since. I have choronic pylenophritis (kidney failure from chronic infections), I have IBS and PTSD and when I get sick my bi-polar gets sooooo bad. I am always in pain. When I was in the hospital for a month from cancer scare, I told the doctor I was depressed and I think bi-polar and he put me on effexor (worst thing ever for me) I would tell him its not working and he would give me more, I started to get very manic on it. He started me at 75mg and before I left him I was on 500mg. I saw another doctor and he told me it was doing the opposite effect to me because it is not a bipolar medication, Now I am on Lamotrigine. It works sometimes but I need more or something different and my dr. wont listen. But I am 35 and it is only getting worse, does this get worse with age and why do I see a lot of the posts are from people in their 30’s. I am so tired, I want to be normal so bad but it is getting harder and harder to fight this disease. I just had a major blow out with my common law (because he won’t marry me because he thinks i’m crazy). I do feel bad when I do mean things but tonight was the first night we sat and talked about how much I hurt him and how he doesn’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I am going to lose everything. I don’t even know what to do. He is successful and I don’t even want to get up and fold laundry. I went to Florida for 2 weeks in the winter (I live in Canada) which doesn’t help in the winter..It only gets worse in the winter…but when I got back my boss went out of business and I have not worked since. I need to work but then when I do I screw it up somehow. I am always ill from my kidney and I feel like nobody understands. I am so tired of meds, i wont even take pain meds anymore and I go through times where I don’t think I need my happy pills. Really??? I know I need them but I stop taking them. I am getting so paranoid with everything from driving in the snow, to letting the kids walk to school to thinking everyone is out to get me. I don’t know how to stop the anxiety. I am to lazy to exercise and I don’t want anti anxiety meds because it won’t be long before I eat them like candy…It is never enough for me. Up and down up and down…ahhhh thank you for letting me vent, I feel so much better.

    • Kim, I wasn’t planning on leaving any comments, but your story sounds so much like mine I just felt I needed to say something. You said, “I am so tired of meds, i wont even take pain meds anymore and I go through times where I don’t think I need my happy pills. Really??? I know I need them but I stop taking them.” That is EXACTLY what I do – my family doesn’t understand it. “Why don’t you just take your pills?” But my messed up brain tricks me into thinking I don’t need them, and when you stop suddenly, you go off the deep end. I’m so scared of going off the deep end again that I don’t want to go back on my meds. So I’m just trudging through life, trying not to alienate anyone else. I don’t know how my boyfriend puts up with me, and I’m convinced that at any moment, he’s going to walk out the door and never come back. And my paranoia about him leaving me is just making things worse between us. This post was perfect, but awful at the same time… it’s comforting to know that other people understand what I’m going through, but it’s terrifying to think that I have to keep living through this.
      Be strong. I don’t know you, but I feel your pain.

  90. To all the ones who dealing with depression like myself.Never give up no matter whats goin on.love yourself when u feel like none else does.It starts with you and pray constantly and surround yourself around positive people.Plz Father God deliver every soul that’s dealing with this illness protect them and strenghthen them in ur sons Jesus name Amen and Amen..

  91. I wrote a poem about a year ago on a bad day. I think this poem can really express what I myself and many people here are feeling.

    I Want

    I want to look at the ocean
    Without thinking of death
    To swim in the sea
    Without wanting to take my last breath
    And sink to the bottom
    To finally sleep
    And escape from these tears
    I constantly weep

    I want to look at a knife
    Without needing pain
    To stand at soaring heights
    And not feel urges so insane
    To jump off that ledge
    And know how it feels to fly
    But more than all of this
    I want to not want to die

  92. i dnt really know how to star or what i hope to happen to mme i feel like i dont even know who i am anymore just in last 2 weeks been diagnosed with bipolar im a mum to 4 loving wonderful boys all of whom try to help me i feel like a failure as a parent i should be protecting them not other way round they dnt know what is wrong with me they to young to have this worry it my mum i feel for i havent seen it but i can hear it constantly in her voice that she crying because she cant help me im scared and i dont want to cause my family any more pain or worry im not being fair on them and yes ive read some posts on here that others feel that loved ones better without them i dont want to die i want to just be me again i dont know what ive done so wrong for to end up like this im sorry for moaning i guess you dont know me so makes it easier than upsetting my mum or making my partner angry at me and yes i deserve it because im convinced he cheating on me after 9 years he sick of me accusing him i hit him he hits me twice as hard but the bad and worst thing is he knows im scared to be on my own so stupid i am cos was on my own for 10 years before him and strong enough to bring my kids up myself so why am i reduced to this i dont think he means to be a bad person i just think he dont understand me ova the last couple months we have argued bout nothing but it hurts when he calls me a freak or runs and tell his friend everything about me i then have his friend and girlfriend sending rip cards to me and telling me to kill myself that my kids are better off without me and that he is cheating but then deny it they have the cheek to blame me its my bipolar im paranoid yes i know this but i also know what is real to i guess im just relieved to see im not the only one and will i get better please i dont like it his friend was in car with me and partner two days ago and bluntly told me his girlfriend loves riding my partners …. i was shocked more upset that my partner aid nothing to me or him but nevermind im just me i dnt matter to them but i matter to someone i have to my mum and my kids im sorry for probably boring you all but this actually does help even if just a little ty

    • Hello mom of four.
      I just read your post and I can see and feel how confused and desperate you feel now.
      What I can tell you that might help (I hope) is that you have to think that it is not your fault if you have a mental condition.
      It will affect the whole family but probably you will be the one that have to make the biggest effort to find a good doctor, even if you have to go to many until you really trust one. Right now please try to find a psychologist or an association of support to bipolars. Once you understand better the disease and you know the path others went through it will make you feel less guilty or freaky or all the negative feelings.
      About your partner it seems from what you say, that he has absolute no respect for you. So if he doesn’t change probably he is just worsening the way you feel..and you don’t need that now.
      (sorry my english)

  93. I hate that I have to fight, I rather not even show up for life, I have no life! My face is maimed from an accident and now I’m ugly as hell. I can’t look people in the eye or act normal anymore. People stare and it’s so rude and uncomfortable. Kids seem to stare the most. The world judges you on appearance and you can only be as good as it will let you be, no matter how hard you try. I fight, pray, and try to live a normal life but society and reality of what and who’s acceptable puts limits on your success. It traps you in a box and my life wants to be bigger than this box. It’s mentally suffocating and I feel there’s no way out of it . I given up and become a hermit cause I’m a troll, and a beast. Why why why ! Will I have to live in this body in the next life? I wish we didn’t have a body it’s nothing but a trap with limitations and for me the only way of escape is death! I’m depressed and miserable and cause I can’t fix my burns and scars I’ll never be happy! Is this depression? I think it is, I isolate for days and can’t pick myself up anymore. I’m done!

    • Chris,

      Sorry you are feeling that way. I normally don’t reach out to people on the internet but I just felt compelled to. My heart aches knowing you think of yourself as a troll or beast. Reply if you want someone to talk to or please seek out someone who can help you talk about your how you feel.

  94. I also wanted to add that since I became a Christian I do better, but now the depression I get is the fear of not being good enough for God, or the fear that I lock myself inside the house, that I dont get out and minister to people about his love. Fear of going homeless because of my illness, fear I wont get disability. But for the most part, I think i do pretty good with it. I’ve learned that my brain going and going non stop is a part of me, and I just kinda go along with it like yep ok. lol I just try to ignore it. I’ve said Satan get behind me, you name it I’ve said it. But one thing I have realized, IS THIS, when I was a bigger sinner (not saying I dont sin we all do) living with men and having relations I felt more depressed. But when I gave everything to God, and walked away from all that, and just stayed alone, he talks to my spirit, and he has me make videos, I really believe he does. I’ll make a video in no time flat, and then the video will minister to even myself later! I feel like he leads me to songs online, to use with pictures. And this video is one of my favorites. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I9zwLOsQkG0

  95. I’m not exactly sure how I found this blog, but I’m glad I did. Everything I read is what I feel.
    I’m so tired of fighting to be normal. I can go from tears to angry and agitated in a flash.
    If people could read my thoughts…. Well I know that I would have the high stress job that I have.
    I have had a really bad week. I want to run. My mind is racing. No knows how hard it
    Is to be a productive human being! Except other bipolar people. Trusting people
    Is hard. I know this is not making much sense right now.

  96. Coming out of denial… I too suffer. It sucks on so many levels. I’ve been feeling like such a failure. So many attempts at post secondary.. So many unfulfilled dreams and the potential is there… I’ve been telling myself it’s not my fault. I have 3 amazing kids and I fear my problem will cause them unnecessary pain. One day at a time. I’m so happy I found this site. Tired of feeling alone in a home full of blessings and love.

  97. I’m 35, and keep getting worse. been fighting this my entire life, from a small age…even then I had to see child psychologists/psychiatrists. My family has an extensive history of bipolar history and depression. I have had 19 jobs in the past 11 years. This has rendered me unable to do “normal” things (like not create conflict at every job). Ive been married for 8 years, and have a 3 year old son, and my wife does her best to try to understand this, but she cant. My son is such a joy, and is so carefree and innocent, and is nothing like I was as a child, and im terrified that hes eventually just going to pick up on my madness. When im thinking clear, life is beautiful, and I enjoy friends and family, and nights like tonight, I couldn’t even get off the couch to pour my son some milk, just crippled by depression, and tears running down my face for hours, just wanting the pain to stop. Ive always battled suicidal thoughts, but they are getting more and more intense, but I couldn’t imagine hurting people that love me like that……..but I also cant imagine any other relief from this torment and agony. I wish I could say tyat seeing others experience the same thing made it at all more tolerable but that’s BS. I hate it for all of you just as much. Why do we have to be like this? Ive tried every medication under the sun, spiritual means, everything. I just don’t know how much I have left. Before, I had my dreams I clung to (I live in Nashville and am a bass player) but after 11 years of pursuing a long term career, the last ship has pretty much left port for me. That’s when this all got worse….when music finally felt like “its over”. sad thing is, I find I don’t even enjoy it anymore. Anyway, thanks for listening. Ive read this post a few times over the months. Sometimes, you just need to see someone that demands you keep going. Sometimes its the only option that works,

    • Prayers. God will turn it all around some day. If were willing to give everything to him. He keeps me sane.

      • Hello all, Has anyone been tested for pyroluria? It can be a cause of bipolar. I got my test results back today and I was over the moon that it was positive! I will now contact a doctor for treatment. It is a genetic condition and may have stumbled on a cause for my dad’s parkinson’s disease too. Do a Google search and please, please go and have the simple urine test to see if you have pyroluria. Treatment is easy. Thank you to my God for this diagnosis. I.C.

        • Ian, I was curious about this pyroluria. Can you go to most any lab service to have this test done? Is it a common test, do you know? How did you find out about it? Thank you. Kym

  98. Hi

    I am a bipolar to . facing to this make me feel ashamed. I hate myself acting like this. I lost everything in my life . I want to kill myself

    • I’m in the middle of a diagnosis. It’s going down the bi polar path. I don’t know if it’s just me being paranoid but I think my family… my friends and my boyfriend think I’m doing this because I can’t face working right now. They think it’s a money thing. They think I’m a bum. I AM a bum.

      And it makes me angry and hurt. Eventhough it could very likely, not even be real.

      That’s what I hate about bi polar, I dont even know if the things I feel are real. Why do I feel these things? Why did I choose that particular story? Am I feeling guilty for accepting everyones help? Do I feel like a burden? (Ofcourse you do) why do I ask myself these pointless questions?

      I guess they’re better than the self destructive, abusive and downright cruel statements I deliver to myself frequently throughout the day.

      Wish I had control over my own shut down sequence. Feeling nothing is lonely and the people around you generally react badly to it in one way or another. But sometimes, I just need the silence. A breather.

      I live my vacations in limbo.

      When feeling nothing becomes the thing that you crave most, is this game worth playing?

    • Kim and Rolls. I can say I relate to you the most…but all I remember is feelings at this point. I remember a happy spark of a childhood briefly, me and my sister playing at the beach with me Dad. I was brave and happy..then 4th grade hit…and it’s like I flipped into a twisted inverse paradigm…
      I’m sorry, I feel soo repressed emotionally right now I’ll be speaking in fragments. My life is broken, my one joy and the closest I’ve ever been to another human being (who is also like me) has texted me, he no longer wants to speak to me EVER again. I was with him from 23 and I had recently gotten off drugs..until almost 33 which I am now…
      I’ve been on SSI since I was 23…I’m alone now, from all friends who understood and thrived in our particular trains of thought. Is like to say it’s because they have well off, beyond anything I can imagine financial help that gives them the leg up. Even my adopted cray family doesn’t understand me now because of the divide. Best friend/boyfriend…I’m destined to be homeless. Which strangely enough, I’ve always identified more with. I’m insane. The down grade and drastic cut-off from my only ever love and the fashion it happened in sent me into such a depression I stopped altogether cleaning…I was passed out on too much seroquel or every now and then when I could afford it, a bottle of wine. Roaches started showing up…but I would wake up and giggle thinking the tiny ones were cute and I would feel relieved, I guess imagining and taking enormous comfort that they were my friends….I am leaving big gaps in the story here….one day after several hospital trips for panic attacks, my psychiatrist gave me xanax. I “woke up” to soo many roaches I’d lift a box and it was like a black mass scattering and coming to life….I cleaned..but soon, now the seroquel and xanax are both a trap…needing more and more meds….living in a house full of full grown roaches….

  99. For a decade when I have been suffering with the lows I have come on line to search for comfort and in many cases I have found that but not to the extent of today. This morning I woke up in a room and i did not know where I was I saw my computer on a bed and flipped open to skype my parents. ‘Hi mum, how are you? A little problem, where am I?’ Mum- ‘Are you joking? you ok?’………… the conversation then got a bit more serious when i told her i was not joking. It was then that we both realised that I had had another serious episode. Predominately over the years I have suffered with rapid cycling and my moods swing hard fast. I got used to this and almost became accustomed/ experienced in dealing with the depressive and manic states.

    This last episode was different. When I again asked my mum if she knew where I was and that I was not joking (i live in london but travel a lot) she began to cry………. i knew i had obviously had a serious breakdown but i did not expect this. My mum replied that I was in Peru and I had spoken with her a week ago and seemed really happy. I wave of memories flooded bck in that instant and i remembered that a week ago was probably one of the happiest times of my life…………..I was working for a charity and living with a peruvian family who were all amazing and who i love dearly.

    It’s now about 7 hours after that phone call that i have pieced together what happened………… the answer is very straightforward, bipolar. When i finally felt that i had ‘controlled ‘ the symptoms as much as I could through various cocktails of medicine and therapies/ trial and error. it yet again pulled the carpet from underneath me in devestating fashion. For those of you who have been sick for long periods will also understand the cruelty of the ‘you haven’t seen the last of me’ bipolar return. This severity of episode has happened to me three times. A lost marriage, then a lost relationship and a house and on another occasion i decided to tell all my friends that I hated them all because I was upset angy and paranoid.

    I’m babbling………… basically I have just lost an extremely special point of my life, i thought i had it and that this was, finally, after 15 years of fight I had got it (in the past i never let myself get that positive, but this time I felt diffrent). I can remember feeling happy and walking around central huancayo where i lived in peru and all of a sudden, like a click of the fingers I changed. And that’s that. That’s bipolar. I don’t believe I was manic however that’s difficult to tell cause I need people to clarify it and over here i had no support netwoek around.

    I am now in a hotel room waiting for my parents to confrm that they have sorted a flight out for me. I do not drink or take drugs (anymore) although i found a mountain of cocaine that i just flushed down toilet and about 3 bottles of empty vodka and more due to the problems they have caused. Yet again everything i worked so hard to get and build has been taken away from me.

    MY family are very concerned because of problems I have had with suicidal tendencies. However they need not worry. I can’t do that to them. If I did not have my family I don’t think i would be here. I was talking to my brother a minute ago and was talking about not having the fight anymore. I know I have a heavy bout of depr setting, and i mean big. I just need to get home.

    I really don’t know how much more I can take. I don’t care what people think of me (like i used to), i have no worries/ problems but i know that i am about to go from feeling the happiest I have in my life to the most unhappiest and i am concerned about how much more I can literally take. I have been to so many different types of therapy including group. In group therapy as an ‘ experienced’ bipolar individual i felt that i could foretell how a recovery from an episode would go. This time I don’t know. Im not being melodramatic, just the truth. this is going to a big toughie. I am feeling scared by the fact that i feel i have no more fight

  100. Hi, I cried when I read this post. I am fighting, fighting and fighting for myself, for my children, for my marriage, for just one day of peace and love, but my brain just won’t let it happen. It’s like you said, my brain cannot be trusted. I say the most stupid things. I do the most stupid things. I can’t get ahead of the disease. It’s a roller coaster, a tsunami I am riding, trying to stay afloat, trying to do the right thing. I am taking Seroquel and Ativan daily but the anxiety just won’t go away. I didn’t even know it was anxiety until recently. It was my normal, being anxious all of the time, all of my life as a teenager and an adult. I still am even though the drugs I am on are supposed to deal with it. And they are I guess, by reducing it. I am also depressed, and seeing a therapist for it. I feel like a spectator to the chaos and dissolution that I and my best and only friend (my BP) create. Every one of my mistakes results in my loved ones withdrawing incrementally away from me. I am in the process of losing everything. It feels unstoppable. Years ago I thought I was an alcoholic. I was undiagnosed until my late forties. I self-medicated with alcohol for years. I went from relationship to relationship. From job to job. From one town to the next and the next. I always left a wake of chaos, pain and misunderstanding behind me. In AA they used to say you have to lose to win, to die to live. It feels like that is where I am. I’ve done so much damage to those who love(d) me. It feels like I’ve got to lose everything in order to start over one last time. I’ve got to lose to win. I have to accept it.

    Thanks for the blog.

    It helps. A lot.

    Keir

  101. this year has been very bad & I’m afraid I’ve driven everyone away. I pretty much stay away from people except my immediate family. The reason is I’m so nervous and sensitive I pick up on comments & take everything personally. One family gathering sets me back a month. People say I don’t call them, or I don’t look well, or bring up something negative from the past. Even funerals give me trouble. I want to go for the person who has passed away but I can’t face seeing my family who all pounce on me. Does anyone else have this problem?

    • I’ve dealt with depression all my life,a nd I can say that I’ve been alone most of my life, I drove away most of my relationships. It was almost like I wanted to be in them, but I subconsciously would tell them to leave every day by my actions. I hate my family, because i feel like their always talking bad about me, and to be honest, they are. They have called me things that I am not. Which hurts the most. I use to try to talk to them about my problems, but to no avail, everyone would just laugh at me pretty much, or not havea clue what i was talking about, nor even try to. I started noticing them ignoring phone calls etc, so one day I just said forget them, and I have been alone since. I have kids but my relationship is pretty good with them. They ask me things like why my aunt or sisters would say this or that about me, and they know its not true, They’ve spent their whole lives with me their pretty much adults now. I put it on everything I stand for, that I didn’t steal from my family, but since she had money come up missing because her son took it, she blamed me and then went around telling everyone that I’m a thief and a pathological liar. And she tells EVERYONE, she still does to this day, even years after the incident, i know it was her son. I wish he would come forward and admit to it. I hate my family. But love them at the same time. But It hurts not to be able to call or talk to anyone at all. ANd everyone around them ignores me because they believe the lies. Then when i speak out and say I never di dthat shit. THey say well if you didn’t you wouldnt get all mad would you? Actually no if i DID do it, i WOULDNT get mad. But, since I’m being falsely accused, nothing pisses me off or hurts me more. I HATE being called things I AM NOT. I know its easy to say “Just ignore them” or “Who cares what people think about you” I hear that all the time. But what if I’m alone, because of it? I spend every moment alone. I hate being around people. NOt only that, I had a horrific abusive childhood. my father hit us, called me vulgar names all the time, my brother was a drunk who hit m all the time. I had to watch him try to commit suicide. I was raped 3 times. One man repeatedly raped me because I was too afraid to come forward. my family NEVER believed me and they never sought help for me. I was 13-16 years of age when it happened. I never sought help. I just got pregnant, and that saved my life pretty much. My son saved my life. GOd sends angels to us to save our life, they are are reason to live. There’s nothing more we have to do, screw what society thinks that we have to be successful int his or that, or have a nice this or that, or live in a big house, NO we are merely here to LOVE one another, ALL HELP ONE ANOTHER, and to LOVE OUR CHILDREN, and GOD. God’s gift to us when we are sad, are our children. I really believe that. I still suffer from depression and being alone. My heart aches constantly. I feel like a failure beacuse I put my brain in order to hold jobs down. But you know what, loving my kids is my job. NOw taht they are older, I am getting grandkids, teaching them about God and loving them is a job to me. I may have not held a job long, but at least I cleaned cooked, cared for them loved them and nutured them and brought them to know the love of God too. My kids are Christian thank goodness. GOd visited my son one day, and he’s never been the same. I’ve never experienced God like that. But I nkow he isn’t lying by the way he acts. He’s 21

  102. This is really beautiful. It was definitely something I needed to hear today. I realized a few days ago that while I wasn’t paying attention, my depression had become overwhelming to the point I could hardly get out of bed anymore. Trying to express it to others, and how tiring, exhausting it is… It simply seems impossible. It’s not that I don’t have supportive people in my life, simply that they’ve never personally dealt with mental health disorders, and can’t fathom the fight that goes on every day. In order to even begin to adequately describe it to people, I have to DEFEND what the illness tells me. I have to explain how the world can seem hopeless, and how giving up could be the right answer. I have to play devils advocate to my own demons, and it’s hard to express that duality. “I don’t want WANT to want to give up.” Anyway, rambling, haha. I intend to show this to a few people, since you managed to express it so eloquently. Thank you. I think i’ll be visiting your blog frequently!

  103. i am all alone have no friends at all since i become sick i have lost every thing completely and are not coping at all i sl;eep all the time non stop feel strange as can be i want to die all the time …i hate my life so far it sucks…..i try to fight the deppresssion all the time its not working .i cant go back to hospital they cant help me any more with any thing at all ……………..i am fat as now have no energy to live….eat i dont…slepp i cant……help me please what do i do ..

    • Arlene, you are not alone. We are all in this mess together. I spent all day and night, yesterday into today, fighting the tears and wondering why I was even crying. I never know when I’m going to feel good or bad so when making appointments I can only hope to feel well enough to go. Everything you’ve shared makes perfect since as to bipolar controls so much of us. I can’t offer you much right now, but I can tell you that you are not alone.

    • I am grateful that I have a wonderful husband who somehow understands me.
      I am so tired of the fight, but I don’t want to miss out on life. My daughter wedding,
      My youngest son you was “lost” for 4 years… It was breaking my heart. Now has
      come home and has been clean and sober for 82 days! So the bottom line is I
      Will have to keep on fighting.

      I seem to go in cycles…..sometimes I accept being bipolar but, other times I
      Don’t. I have a high stress job and lately I don’t get enough sleep at all. Working
      Long hours and just plain not taking care of myself. Then stopping my meds
      Because…” I felt like crap and they were not working anyway”. I felt like I was losing
      control and getting more depressed everyday! So me in my infinite wisdom
      decided to ….. Experiment again ….I figured being manic would be better.
      I didn’t want to be controlled….. What’s the point. Anyway I know this is
      not right ……I don’t want to lose everything. I have fought so hard for years
      but lately I just feel like I’m losing it. I just want some peace…..please. There is a
      Great stigma with being bipolar. People thing your crazy if they know. My
      Therapist says it’s a disease ….. You know like cancer…. diabetes…
      heart disease. This makes me so angry!! this just isn’t true in the really
      World. I feel alone and or part of a secret society. My mind is a scary place
      Sometimes. If people could hear my thoughts they would lock me up. Can
      anyone relate? Please God help me!

    • You are not all alone. I feel the same way as you for the past three years. Though I never was hospitalized I made several calls for help and never got any help even on a state program which made me worse. The AZ state Govt. tried to set me up several times when I was in the medical field which I got off every time since they were outright lies. I fell into depression after physical problems stopped me from working in my field as it is very physical. Then they took my car and I wanted to disappear forever. Anyway, are you still doing as bad, I hope you find the right medication. I owe everyone money and I do not care anymore. I do love my animals though.Keep in touch , please smile:)

  104. Hi everyone: As Victoria this is also the first time I ever participated in a blog. Therefore, i don´t know very well how it works. I guess that getting everything out of our systems is part of it together with group support, since those who love us can´t understand many things even when they would do anything to do so. That being said, i´d first like to say that i´m from Argentina and I apologize beforehand for grammar and vocabulary mistakes if there are some.
    I can´t honestly say since when i´ve been atruggling with Bipolar disorder. I was diagnosed B.D six months ago. Ever since High School i used to have sad days and i would cut down on activities i.e. missing párties, bar-hopping dancing, you name it. At that time I would blame my eating disorder for that, so much so that i´ve been treated for that together with depression which i thought it was a consequence of my eating disorder. But my depression phases werent that long. Maybe one month, two the most and then back to lightly hypomania, (even though at that time i didnt thought of a pypomania phase. Yes i had increased energy, less need for sleep and excessive happiness, but i thought that it was because i wasnt depressed and that i wanted to enjoy everything i wasnt able to enjoy during my deppresive phase.
    But in 2009 i collapsed. My best friend got married, most of the others were married with children and to top it all may brother got married and my sister in law got pregnant during their honey moon. I could not take it any longer. I felt i didnt fit anywhere. Due to my mood swings I was at the age of 29 still living with my parents, not having being able to finish my 2 courses of studies and getting my bachelors degrees. In both of them i had only to sit for two more exams and would have my degrees in Fashion Design and Marketing and Business Administration. Depression phases became to be longer. For example in 2010 i moved to an apartment thinking that i would have my own space and i ended up shutting myself in it for eight month. My eating desorder was very present, depression, out of medication, a total mess. So my family oblied me to start a treatment and to go back to their place and in one month i´ve started to see changes. And in four months i was super happy and again in my hypomaniac phase without knowing it. Six month later depression for one year and a half, after that fast recovery together with another hypomanic phase again without knowing it for almost a year till las october when i was diagnosed bipolar behaviour. What is worse the medication i have been having had triggered my depression phases and made them longer, not mentioning that the depression phase i´m going through right now would have been much shorter if i had been properly diagnosed. Now i´m under a treatment where i weekly go to my psychiatrist, my therapist and a skill group oriented in mindfulmess approach. Basically highy tired of everything.
    So, right now i´m a 33 year old single woman with no carrer, still living with my parents trying to put my life together with hardly no friends because i have lost most of my friends because they were sick and tired of me being depressed. When i was doing great they would resort to me for any problem, any plan, any journey and so on, but when i was isolated they wouldnt insist and couldnt accept that i wasnt the other cheerfull person who was there 24/7 but that i was being selfish and i couldnt care less.
    Today I cant image a differemt life. I feel lonely only counting with my family support. And I see myself stucked in my parents house for ever with no children and husband and not having been able to develop a carreer because lets face people at my age have already achieved most of the skills and knowledge to be ceo or senior managers as almost any of all the people that i know of my age that once have been part of my life.
    Sorry if i made it too long and for anyone who had read this feel free to give your opinion. I really hope and wish you the best.
    Sophie

    • Thanks for sharing Sophie. Don’t beat yourself up being at home with your parents. You have a serious illness and Mum and Dad’s support is required now. I too live with my parents and they are a great support. Try and achieve small goals as that will give you satisfaction and a sense you are moving forward. Also prayer helps enormously. God can shift things. Have a look at Oneness University online. Blessings, Ian

      • Ian, thanks for your feedback. Hearing it from someone who has been struggling with this over and over is different. Probably someone who cares about us might say the same BUT we might bark at them because its easy to say it because they are not dealing with it. I’m glad that you can count on your parents as well. Wish you the best and good vibes from Argentina.
        By the way, what is oneness university?
        Thanks again. Sophie

    • sophie, i have just posted but re-read your post. I relate to all that you posted and am 30, m do not have my own home, still live with my parents, have a no career of sorts and have watched friends and family get married and raise kids (althought they are also not always happy as they make out to be and are not as honest about how they feel as we are). We need to find some sort of continuality of life by talking with people who are similar. Even if it’s just to at least go through the motions. Like i said, sometimes for me the only reason I have been on this planet for as long (not killed myself (strong I know) is because I cannot be that selfish as to inflict such mental scaring on to anyone else and thus cause a problem to them. But it is hard, everyday. So hard. I understand you and please message me if you need a chat, it will also help me.

      • David: I´ve just read what you´ve said. and it seerms as if i´ve wrote it myself. Thoughout my 33 years of life I was lucky to meet great people and share great moments with them. Yet, during my depression episodes I could just count partially on my family. Not because they dont love me but, because i was wrongly disgnosed. My father thought it was me being a spoiled girl. Being selfish and lacking persistence. We´d also blamed my eating disorder behaviour. My friends got tired and i dont blame them. I´ve gone to everybody´s wedding crying the same day prior to the celebration, wishing it to end. I´ve become really a good performer before special occasion for those whom i love. I coudnt be with my nieces the firt months of life because i was jealous. I have two nieces and a third child coming. I hate feeling jealous and envy my sister in love, but cannot help it. I´ve always wanted to be a mother. I have studied to course of studies. I have two four year bachelor degrees for nothing. I was never able to have a steady job. Currently, I´m working with my family business and hate it. I´ve lost all of my friends. Have spoiled every relationship with great guys. Live with my parents. But at least I was diagnosed Bipilar beahaviour last year. They changed my medication. On the one hand I am sort of proud of having accomplished my degrees and of oblying myself to come to work part time, though some time i really cant. I wish my life were different. I would anything to have another desease IF i have to suffer from one, YES, even cancer. AT least people would not say ¨oh come on she has everything to be happy¨I wouldnt look for pitty but at least they woulkd not turn their back on me. I hate to be financially dependent. I hate to see how the people who once have the same oportunities than me, became CEOs of international enterprises, run their own businesses, having kids and i feel even worse. I´m ashamed of myself. Every time i can, i avoid going to certain places where i might come across someone i´ve know in the past, AND if i do, i lie about my life. By why am a telling all this? Because sometimes listening other people feeling the same way as one does. I really wish you the best of the good vibes and strength. If you want you can contact me and reel off your feeling with someone who understands what u are going through. I´m from argentina, so i may have some mistakes, andf i dont want to read it again so as to spot mistakes and correct them lol. take care!!

      • David, I cant feel more stupid.. I didnt realise you where answering to me!! I just read what you said and press reply and didnt see that you were writing to me… God…at least we understand each other deeply. Of course i´d love to talk to you, but i dont where to message you. Still feeling stupid though. At least this time i gave less examples and added info. Anyways, let me know how u are- Have a great day!

  105. I am also very tired of fighting, after 20 years suffering from bipolar type 2 and counting. I only got my diagnosys a few years ago, however. I came to the doctor asking to be treated for my recurrent depression and he quickly suspected I was bipolar, so he gave me a test that confirmed the diagnosis. At first, I was very surprised an quite frankly skeptical. If I am bipolar, where is the mania, where is the crazy stuff? I didn’t even know hypomania existed. I talked to my wife and she showed me that yes, I did have weird ups and downs. The problem is that most people don’t know about type 2, they just associate bipolar disorder with type 1, which has such a different pattern. Worse, my doctor did not really explain much about the disorder, he just put me on lamictal and gave some treatment options.

    Only recently, by reading a book written by doctors and based on solid reserach, called Bypolar 2 Disorder Workbook, I realized how exactly my pattern conforms to the diagnosis of the disorder. Before, I was so confused that I just described myself as “very depressed, slightly bipolar”.

    Anyway, my doctor put me on Lamictal, saying it could prevent relapse of depressive episodes. The medicine did no such thing. I still get depressed with the same frequency, maybe 8 or 9 months of the year. Lamotrigine only reduces the intensity of my hypomaniac episodes – and I never really minded those, I just felt I was so productive when I was in that state! The only downside of hypomania, for me, is the illusion that you are really “better”. Since I don’t like illusion, I decided to accept that effect, and I still take my daily 200mg.

    Reading the aforementioned book made me a little more relaxed. Before, I thought I had a weird, unique pattern of depression/bipolar, but now I see my pattern is actually very typical. The bad news, of course, is that there is very little one can do about it. So right now I am trying a route of acceptance. When I am in the depression mode (now, for example), I choose to just wait for it to go away – even though I know it will take months – and accept that I will just be incapable of doing a lot of things I have to do, or love doing. I gave up a few long-term plans, too. Oh, well. Next year I will be able to add carbolithium, which has been suggested by some doctors. I don’t think it will do much, but I’ll settle for a little.

    So far, I have encountered one, and only one positive outcome of acceptance: now that I don`t fight so much and I don`t get so frustrated and desperate, my suicidal ideation has greatly diminished. I was never worried I would actually commit suicide, but thinking all the time about that surely does not help. So let’s see if I get more positive outcomes in the medium and long term.

    Thank you very much for writing your blog, Natasha. It is exactly what I was looking for: a mix of research-based discussion and personal experience.

  106. Hi everyone,

    My name is Victoria and this is the first time I ever participated in a blog about my disorder. I was first diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder when I was 18. I went from experiencing a long depressive episode to experiencing a short episode of mania. During college it seemed as though these phases just went away, therefore I never had to worry about anything, until I was 21. During this time I was put on medicine and responded very well. For the past five years I never had any severe changes in mood and I was always quite stable until the past year. Over the past 8 months I have changed medications, added medications, and only found relief for a few weeks at a time than I would be back to being depressed and anxious all over again. Currently, I am in the worst depressive episode since I was 18. I still have a hard time accepting my disorder let alone controlling it. I was wondering if any of you experience the same feelings I do. When your in a depressive state do u you feel like your brain is in shut off mode like you can barely think? Is your anxiety so bad that your constantly scared? Do you feel like just a body and so uncomfortable in your own skin? Like you cannot get relief in anything you do? I noticed since I was 21 that the only time I ever feel better and can be myself again is through medication. Thinking positively and exercising is so much of a struggle. Does anyone ever notice that their episodes worsen over time as they get older? I realized that the frequent episodes that I keep having and very close together are harder to cope with and worsen each time. I cannot just blame my disorder either, however. I was dealing with a very stressful situation over the past 8 months that triggered the episodes I was having. I hope everyone understands what I wrote and doesn’t mind giving me their opinion. Thank so much.

    • Victoria, I truly identify with you, you have articulated it perfectly , I couldn’t say it better. For the last 5 years I have been able to overcome my panic ,anxieties , fears and depression . How: 1. I learned to trust GOD above all things, I speak/meditate almost 24/7. 2. I take a small doses of anti depressant everyday , 3. I do excersise minimum 2 to 3 times a week outside looking at nature and the miracles of GOD 4. I have my own little space at home to sit down, relax, meditate, take a beso,, etc 5. I enjoy family life and distractions to get out of the routine. 6. I love to hear soft and. Christian music 6. I don’t worry about what others think or say about me , finally I learn to be me, with my own virtues and defects….I can’t and. I won’t change who I am and what Gods want me to be in this world….I am here because GOD wants it and he gas a purpose ….GOD BLESS you all

      • Wisdom
        Speaking for myself I would appreciate it where GOD and religion are not brought up… This is about Bipolar and not Christianity. I am not a Christian and I practice a religion which I would never talk about on blogs because it can offend people. I don’t need to hear about GOD 4 times in a post. It offends me.Thank you kindly.

        • Michael, this is a forum where everyone shares how they cope with Bipolar. People should be allowed to talk openly. If their views offend you it might be benificial for you to not read them. We all use different techniques in order to live with the illness the best we possibly can. Personally I like to hear the honestly and the tremendous support this particular post brings.

          • Dina Marie to Michael,

            Although I agree with Michael, after having read YOUR response, I have to agree with you. To each her/his own. It’s not my place to tell someone living with bipolar what to believe in or not..

            Ontario, Canada

        • I agree with you about the god and religion thing. So many people believe that if one ‘talks’ to a god, that their health, mental and/or physical, will naturally heal and that really! gets on my nerves. Like you, I’m not a Christian either.

    • I have felt all of these things for the last year. You are not strange. I’m older than you and was diagnosed a bit later. Still have the same feeling. Everything you talked about is how I feel.

  107. I am so glad I happened on to this site. I am tired of this bipolar. Although I have not been long diagnosed (2005), I am 62 and I feel as if this “deterioration” has gone into high gear. I am very fearful of whatever changes (mental & emotional are lurking. Until I read your article I had convinced myself that my decline spiritually was because I had changed for the worse.
    I don’t blame everything on bipolar but it’s the compulsive thoughts, obsessing on very hurtful past situations and replaying them over and over, not to mention struggling to stay productive at my job. I’ve tried to work a good program and, suddenly everything falls apart.
    Basically I am alone now. My siblings and my adult children are the norm. They can’t cope with mental illness. My brother and I are the only two of 7 who are affected. I fare better than he did. He is now in a nursing home with multiple mental problems. I just wonder when I will follow him and there won’t be any family to care.
    Maybe this is the anxiety and maybe not. The weariness and the bipolar are getting the upper hand. Thank you for your insight to this problem.

    • Hello…I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar 1 at the age of 43 after so many years of terrible suffering. One thing I’d like to contribute here is that the human spirit is so resilient. It is more resilient than you can imagine. I know it is frightening to step forward each day with this condition but you can do it. One step at a time that’s all. Your true nature, your beautiful Spirit, is love, joy, courage and incredible resilience. Just keep moving forward despite all the problems. Never, ever give up. Suicide is not the answer. The spiritual masters say that when someone suicides they actually end up in a worse place. They think they are getting rid of the pain and anguish, but it remains with them. They regret doing it. They regret missing a good opportunity. They are reborn with the same problems so you may as well face them here and now and be done with them. Suicide is like feeling cold, getting undressed and stepping outside into the snow. You have the strength to get through any crisis. If you feel you cannot, pray to God, constantly if needs be. Ask for Divine help from your heart. He WILL listen, he WILL help you. I love all you brave people with Bipolar.

  108. Hi, Im Ariana, and im 18.
    Ive been dealing with Bipolar disorder since I was 12 years old but have been recently diagnosed. For most of my life I have taken many anti-depressants, which never did anything for me. And then farther into it my dad(who hadn’t really been in my life whatsoever since I was 4), decides that he needs to control me even though he doesn’t understand any of it and always thinks hes right. I spent most of my junior high and high school, I’ve had no true friends. They always got fed up with how depressed and angry I always was. But I couldn’t help it. People would make fun of me, and I always hung out with people who made fun of me because they were the only people I knew/grew up with. More into high school, I fell behind and started to really hate everyone I met, I always wanted to be alone, but secretly hated being alone, because even though I was at least wasn’t being made fun of or couldn’t get hurt, I still wanted a friend. Every so-called “best friend” I had, really would be there for me for a couple months, pretend to be there for me when they really didn’t like me, and then would find someone better to hang out with. And now I have major trust issues. I have a hard time keeping friends because they either stop talking to me, or they give me a good reason to dislike them permanently. I have thought that I hated being in this world because I was a burden to my family and my boyfriend and It would be better if I was gone. My depression gets worse everyday and I really am tired of trying to get up in the morning to pretty much sit in my house all day when I don’t have school(College). I am so close to pushing practically everyone I love away and completely isolating myself. I feel like half the time I don’t deserve the happiness I get or the good mood I have because it goes to shit in an hour or 2. And even sometimes I wonder why my boyfriend is with me of 2 years when I’m always depressed or angry with him. I only have one friend who really gets me but she lives far away and we barely talk sometimes, but when we do talk, we’re always happy and laughing. I just honestly have no idea what I’m supposed to do anymore, I have shitty self esteem, I am always angry or depressed, and I just want to isolate myself but the pain will just make my life worse.

    • Hi Ariana,

      You are not alone. Many people have been in your situation. Sometimes the symptoms of the disorder are so difficult to deal with, we push people away. Believe me, you aren’t the only one to ever do that.

      Once thing you didn’t say though, is whether you’re in therapy. It seems to me that various types of therapy like cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavior therapy could help you very much.

      Wanting to isolate is normal, but you’re right, you can’t always do that as it will make things worse over time.

      And please don’t give up on treatment. You’re in a really tough situation, but remember, treatment does work but sometimes it takes years to find the right one for you.

      – Natasha Tracy

      • I have tried therapy but one of my counselors couldn’t treat me anymore and the other technically broke the confidentiality contract. It’s really hard to trust any more of them, I know they all aren’t the same but still. And thank you for making this website, it helped me be able to rant and someone actually understand what I’m going through.

  109. I know for certain I have depression but do suspect bipolar as well. 33 with a history of abuse (my brother beat and hit me from 6 to 16) which I’ve never sot treatment for and still has the power to haunt me every now and then. I struggle with getting help and further diagnosis, I’m not sure if I fear knowing what’s wrong or finding out what the treatment will be. I’m not open to discussing what I feel with anyone, professional or otherwise. I’ve been on and off anti depressants since my first suicidal cry for help at 16. I’ve been off my meds, the last bout anyways, since April ’13 and have been suffering the worst episodes to date. Oct ’13 saw me taken away from my house in handcuffs after I locked myself away for 2 days and threatened to commit suicide. My husband didn’t know what to do and called my mom. She called a healthcare program who dispatched the cops that busted down the locked door to my insane sanctuary. This has left me severely scarred and troubled over the last 6 months. I’ve yet to forgive my mom for that night and even told her a few days before Xmas to stop contacting me. Now I’m in the midst of another damaging episode (4th or 5th since dec 13) and I’ve shut out my husband yet again. He’s my rock, the one that doesn’t understand my illness yet but is being strong and trying to hold us both together. Between my rage and extreme sadness, he finds a way to keep going when I want nothing more then to end my horrible existence. I know that one day he’ll leave, tried of downs and me being so reluctant to seek help. For the first time, he found me with a knife. I wasn’t sure what I was going to do…. I intended to use it for cutting but could I stop there? I day dream of blood pools around my lifeless body, floating face down in a bathtub of water, a gun shot to the head… Could I pull the trigger. I know I need help but I’m more scared of the cure than the ailment.

  110. It is so weird that today when I was having another one of those episodes I was telling myself to breath to just keep breathing……I always start singing those lines from the radiohead song- exit music…. ” Breath….keep Breathing….I cannot do this alone. ”
    And then I came across this Article…..Atleast there are people out there who understand….who know how it feels like…I think it would be impossible for me to have any kind of functional relation. And I am reluctant to get medication…. Hope to fight it out on my own…. Best of luck to everyone else.

  111. Guys,

    I am 25 and have struggled with bipolar since I was 18 ( possibly cyclothymia before that) it wasn’t until I reached psychotic manic status last month where I had no control over my brain that my psychiatrist tried me on a combo of [mood stabilizers and an antipsychotic]. I had zero expectations at first, but I can honestly say that I’m feeling like my old self again, no racing intrusive thoughts anymore. Hang in there and don’t give any more power to this disease, because that is what it is, just a brain disease. [moderated – Monica, we don’t recommend treatments for people here as we’re not doctors.]

    Monica

    • Just wanted to say is it a brain Disease?
      From what I can understand it is caused by Wheat.
      The Evil wheat we created with high gluten content and our bad genes
      Maybe it really is about population control. Then we seek and are forced to see Doctors!
      Doctors Our saviors with their poisonous drugs! Just remember drugs may be fine for a while but just be careful as drugs can later have adverse effects. I suppose some people are worse than others

      Wishing you the Best.

  112. Hi, I just came across this, and you have no idea how much I truly needed to read something like this right now. I suffer from bipolar disorder and have reached that point where I am throwing my hands up, down on my knees, asking God what more He wants from me. I am so tired and feel like I’m just about ready to give up….sorta’. Thank you for this post. :)

    • Darlene
      I have been on my knees so many times. To me, there is no God. We were all born innocent. I wish you well. Know that you aren’t alone. Many of us suffer in loneliness.

    • I feel your pain we were Innocent but poisoned by are toxic foods we created and who knows if this has anything to do with Vaccines. I really wonder what is going on in our world! We created all these diseases and passed them on to other countries with are foods.
      Get off all grains!!
      Do Not Eat Processed Foods.
      Wishing you the best
      .

      Steve

  113. Hi Natasha,

    I’m just wondering if living in the future is a symptom of bipolar? I am often worried about the future and then I try and overcome the anxiety by thinking up some unrealistic mad grande plan that will make things alright. And then I get euphoric that “This is it”! This is the very thing that will make my life great and happy and perfect. I work on the plan with excitement and passion believing it will lead to great joy, a joy that no-one else will have, a selfish joy….then the plan goes no-where and I’m depressed for awhile….then the whole cycle starts again anxiety about the future and I dream up some other grande plan…then depression again…Day to day life seems painfully boring, tedious…and the future seems dark, so I take control and get a plan together a great plan for incredible joy….I’m seeing a psychiatrist soon to see if I am bipolar. What do you think? Will Lithium help me lie in the moment more and be content with that? I’m chasing joy in the future but joy happens in the moment….I know this but I cant seem to live it….

    Thanks for your blog,

    Ian

  114. Hi Natasha,
    I’m a 45yo male, married with 2 great kids.
    My battle with Depression is ongoing, I have lost all of my close friends due to this illness
    I don’t visit my family brothers and sisters at Christmas as I truly feel I don’t want to bring them
    down. Sometimes I feel my wife has truly given up on me, and I can’t say i blame her.

    I am extremely tired of the battle with this illness which I think i may have lost a
    long ago. I don’t enjoy anything anymore or being around people.

    I was following a web site over the past few weeks of a little girl who had cancer
    she died on Christmas day, her family is devastated as they would be.
    It seems so unfair to have suicide thoughts running through your head when
    this little girl and her family were battling to keep her alive.

    I would have seriously changed positions with her in a heartbeat.

    Chris

    • Chris,
      You state.. “I would have seriously changed positions with her in a heartbeat.”.. I feel the same. A woman down the street from me that I didnt know used to walk a few minutes each day and I noticed she was wearing a scarf over her head and she was very pale. I spoke to her. She said she had brain cancer, was diagnosed 1 year ago. I told her I too had brain cancer but a different type and she knew what I was talking about after my explanation. We talked about being shunned and the loneliness. We spoke for maybe a week and then I no longer saw her. She had died. I was mad. Here I am with this debilitating disease that will go on forever and she was given relief. Meanwhile I stay home alone feeling like the walking dead.

  115. Hi Natasha,

    My Dad died when he was 80. He suffered severe bi-polar to the point where during his manic state, he’d buy really expensive anything that he never used. He remarried and eventually was put on lithium. He had some kind of Red Cross work or an assistant, definitely not the best person to be his caregiver. He’d forget to take his medication or would overuse it. He went into a deep depression when my brother, his pride and joy, died and another bout of depression when my Mum died in 1979, age 59. He became psychotic and delusional and had to be rescued from himself.

  116. Just: thank you. For saying out loud how it feels. For stopping me thinking I am alone in here.
    And please keep up the good work (i.e. your blog). I wish you a peaceful christmas.
    Carola

  117. Wow…..it’s seems I am truly not alone.
    I read & re read posts of young,middle- age ( like me) and older.
    There are similarities in every post.

    The reason I’m not comfortable w family during Christmas is due to ultra rapid cycling…
    I so don’t want to ruin their holiday due to my bipolar…yet it’s a hard call,as I maybe hurting them too by not going.
    I’ve just found that when I was younger I felt I must always put on a face no matter what or where….

    Since the last 6 months or so,I see I must live to please me.
    To stay out of hospital,to keep my physical ailments in check.
    It was very hard to learn that,really get it,realize they would rather I miss out then end up in hospital for certain.
    It’s a daily struggle we are all exactly the same in that respect.

    Due to my honest demuour my family relationships are more respectful.
    They have boundaries as do I.
    I’m trusted more financially which feels good.

    Hearing positive kind words from my support team,helps too
    In all,whenever I feel out of control,one of my workers explained it to me beautifully..
    Ride it like a wave,it will pass.
    That’s what it actually physically feels like ( to me)

    Or if I still am not quite right,I occasionally return to a comment section on a blog that suits my needs on that day.
    Wow.
    Are we popular are what?
    A little funny for whoever stumbles across this post,we are unique/ gifted individuals….don’t give in don’t give up!

    • Hi Sandra,

      No you’re not alone. I’m glad that coming here helps you in some way (I think that’s what you’re saying).

      And, you’re right, we all deserve an award because we keep fighting.

      – Natasha Tracy

      • Great website and I totally relate to everyone here it’s comforting in a way to know I’m not alone in this

  118. I’m drawn to this forum as I have recently been through a low, am struggling throughout the titrating weeks of Lamictal. BPii is a disease and Sunday I came close to ending my life of struggling. I bled myself and calculated how much blood is need to lose to go into shock. As I watched the blood pool in my sink, go through the tube I used through my vein, I broke down and became so scared. I came face to face with disease, stopped the bleeding, let my arm clot and called my mother, historical. On 100mg for another week til 150 and don’t know if lamictal is helping or hurting. I am still afraid, and need time to recover from my low, adjust to this medication in peace. I wonder if peace will ever come. All I want is to be out of his miserable existence. Even after my experience a few days ago, I wish there was an easier, less excruciating way to die. Like a lethal injection. Right now, I’d pick that and take the easy way out if I could. I’m lonely, stressed, fighting horrible side effects, and can’t wait for this med to start working right. I am writing here, because, I want to know if anyone else experiences the exhaustion, dizziness, light sensitivity, involuntary thumb tremors, thirst, frequent urination, increased anxiety, insomnia but also drowsiness at the same time — all on lamictal.

    • Sorry kiddo. I know what you felt. I too have stood in front of the mirror in the bathroom bleeding and actually full of drugs that I was certain would kill me.

      I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone to bed thinking I will not be getting up. Really.

      In addition to Bipolar I also lost my hearing and am now deaf- totally deaf. Seriously. Since 2008. Imagine being deaf and having no music and not being able to call anyone ever or speak to anyone?

      My life is total garbage and I already feel dead. I feel like I’m a ghost forced to live and remember how cool i USED to be back before I lost my hearing and became a recluse who will not travel farther than 2 miles in any direction.

      All I can say is that my cat actually helps me. I love that critter. I also love food. I kept trying to OD and off myself and it kept not working so eventually I figure I must be here for a reason.

      Maybe you too?

      At least you can hear. I’d give ANYTHING to have my hearing come back to me. It’s torn me in half and my family is full of abusive jerks who never loved me and now just ignore me. I literally have NO ONE.

      If there’s one reason for you to keep fighting its so you can listen to people who love you. I have no one. The five people in my family who did care a lick about me all died within two years of me going deaf.

      Stay alive. You have so much I wish I had.

      Sharyn TG

        • Thanks. I am still here. I’ve been killing myself for years, but here I am. I guess I’m supposed to be. I just go one day at a time now. I try to sleep good and eat well.

          Thank you.

          • Sharyn
            If you live alone how do you deal with the loneliness? I ask because I am alone all day, I dont trust myself driving so I sold my car and 1 day seems like eternity. I admire your strength.

      • Sharyn,
        I am on lamictal and it works for me, I think. I am on 300 mg and am calling my doctor to see if it can be raised. I dont know anymore whats right or wrong with these toxic pills. I experience what you do, but take something for the anxiety. I also get brain zaps and every day sometimes for a few minutes or for the whole day I feel like bees are stinging me. Seems like my central nervous system is shot to shit.

        • Talk to your fear. Sit it down and say thank you for protecting me so well. Bow down to it. Respect it. Then say to the fear to look at your spirit and show that it is so big it covers the world and beyond. Tell your fear that it can rest now and it can transform into courage and clarity represented by a lion basking in the sun.

          • Ian C.

            I have no clue as to what you are saying other than you took it out of one of the meditation tapes I listen to. You also have no clue as to the savageness of what I have. Ok fear, you can rest now because I am basking in the sun looking for a lioness to devour. Gee I feel so much freaking better.. You are a godsend.

            • Hi Michael, Thanks for your reply. No, I dont have any idea of what you are going through suffice to say that I have had very intense panic attacks in the past. If you’d like to Skype sometime, I can explain what I meant further. Sorry if I upset you, my intention was to help. Ian

            • Ian C.
              Yes, you did upset me. I will trade you anytime for your panic attacks.. A panic attack in my situation is a walk in the park. Be well.

  119. very bad, very down and irritable. None of the mood stabilizers worked for me. Should I try lithium? It scares me. Crying all the time, then yelling at everyone. I’m chasing all the people I love away from me. My son has asperger’s and I have become incapable of dealing with him. nobody offers any help, especially my psychiatrist.

    • Hi Bunny,

      Whether or not to try a medication is a personal decision. While there are risks with lithium, there are also major upsides – like possibly getting better. The downsides of lithium can be monitored through blood tests and your lithium level can be monitored the same way.

      I recommend you write down your concerns and then ask each one to your doctor. If he answers your questions, you may feel more comfortable trying it.

      What about therapy? Are you getting that? That is something else you can do too. You don’t have to continue in the cycle you’re currently in.

      – Natasha Tracy

      • Hi. I finally am trying the lithium — it seems to be working but causes bad tremors. I can’t write, even hold a cup. My psychiatrist told me to throw our son out so he’ll have to get a job, a place. But he has asperger’s. He would stand on the street in a panic if we did that to him. while true that our son creates huge stress in the house, I think this is very heartless advice from a psychiatrist. Our son is 33, no job, no friends, but he’s not depressed. He seems to accept his life and he knows he has us for support. He has tried to get jobs, used to work, graduated college, but rarely leaves the house and can be verbally abusive if we push him too far to do things he’s not comfortable doing. I do go for cognitive therapy — my therapist does not agree with my psychiatrist’s tough love approach.

  120. Hi all. This forum makes me very sad. I have suffered from bipolar for over 20 years of my life (hence my entire adult life). I feel like no one understands me including friends, psychiatrists, social workers, dr’s etc. My husband may be the only one and he is my saving grace. I don’t even know why I’m writing here, it’s pointless and no one cares, but maybe someone does… Please if you are suffering, try and reach out. I’ve learned to do things that make me happy even for an instant to help. Go soak in the sunshine for 2 minutes (while hiding from neighbors of course!), cook something awesome that is healthy for you, enjoy the birds eagles, mountains, and whatever nature is around you. Without nature I would be lost. Nature connects me to God which helps me balance my swings out (sometimes). Also, medication is very helpful when needed, and exercise!!! The natural endorphins do wonders. I used to contemplate bad things all the time like suicide. I figured out it is TOO SELFISH! you are ruining many others lives possibly. If we are such pathetic bipolars like we think then just live in our own misery don’t ruin others lives. I guess what I’m trying to say as a bipolar with decades of experience and every medication under the sun is just TRY, please, even for a moment. Even if it sucks, go take a scenic drive when all you want to do is lie in bed go in nature, it helps. I also have major chronic pain issues so doing everything is painful, boo hoo for me. Just one thing at a time, slow down, relax, enjoy what blessings god has granted us. We only live once, so even if our brains or bodies are faulty, try and enjoy life, please, please, please. Take care my bipolar friends, it’s really hard.

    • I have been following the comments since Natasha wrote the article. Some extraordinary stories of survival and living with the disease. I have also seen comments and stories of absolute dispair. I associate with the dispair and hopelessness. I have been struggling with BP for 16 years (misdiagnosed, wrong meds, 2 suicide attempts). I don’t want to any longer.

  121. Hi, I have been stuggling with bipolar disorder 1 since I was 13. I’m now 23 and am finally on the right meds. I can honestly say that I still have my days. I still have urges to self injure, but don’t. I guess the only reasoning why I’m still fighting is because I’m waiting on a miracle or something good to finally happen and make me happy. I have my good moments and for that, I’ll hold on. I’m a fighter and will keep on fighting.

  122. I would like to start out by saying, I wish I had treatment years ago. I may be prime example of what not to do. I generally self medicated off and on for years. I have been in the 3 day hospital once for ocd. Been treated for depression twice.
    Now I’m 43 year old male loser. Would be homeless if not for Dad which makes it even harder. Imagine being 43 years old living with father whom never got along with because of his verbal abuse at my mother, brothers and me and can’t get a job because of this disease plus I need a back surgery.
    I just want to be normal again if there is such a thing because it has cost me a life. God what I would do to at least be with 1 girlfriend of all that this disease caused me to loose or end when I lived on my own. It would not be fair to them though so they are the lucky ones.
    Does anyone know if there are places to be placed in that serve 3 squares a day with meds that someone can finish their life out?

    MORAL : Young folks, do what the pro’s tell you to do. All I ever knew to do was work since I was 12 years old in chicken houses. Graduated high school 32 out of 230. Finished 1 semester shy of a double diploma. All I wanted to do was work and move to get away from father. Now I am stuck back with him, he has bad health (very, very poor vision) and he needs me. He still loves to get mad and yell at me like I’m a kid. Oh yeah I was discussing my triggers and I found out that I aggitate him when I talk to him. So I really need a facility I can go stay at. Any help?

  123. Im going to get thrown away. Its going to happen either way no matter what i do. At least if i die ill get a moment of recognition before im forgotten again

  124. Im going to get thrown away. Its going to happen either way no matter what i do. At least if i die ill get a moment of recognition before im forgotten again..

  125. I like this article. It makes sense to me. I have this or something like it… Everyday always coming back. Done so much self destruction now i have even more reasons to kill myself i am not suicidal really i just don’t always feel like going on for no promised land just more of this. I am over 30. It makes me sad that other people have this too i wish i was the only one. I hope everyone will hang in there with me. Believe me i have really ruined my life and am probably disease ridden so if you’re not then you should have better hope than me. And i probably won’t stop. I am trying to improve but it’s not going great and every peak seems to have such a deep valley. I can tell you that when you stop trying you could end up making a horrible mistake like me, which doesn’t make it any easier to carry the mental baggage when you’re body is ruined too. I really let down so many people. i am one of those who serves as a warning, rather than an example i guess… very disappointing. even if i change now its kind of pointless but i can try again tomorrow. So try to keep going. Wish i could help more. Not very successful life though so not much i can do but wish you the best. I’m sorry

    • I’m ready to go step in front of a train. No muss, no fuss, just hose down the engine and burn the remains. Then throw the ashes under a car tire in the winter, for traction. I don’t want to be remembered, bo headstone, no marker, nothing to remind people I was here. No more screaming, no more abuse, no more outrageous displays of anger, no more cutting the randbabya hearto. At last in ashes I’ll have a place of my own to eat and become earth again. Can’t hardly wait.

      • I can see by the responses I’ve gotten that I’ve already become invisible, a non entity. I hope your site is being read by someone who cares and doesn’t just talk the talk. It’s too late for me, butmaybe you can save someone else

        • You assume that no one cares because you haven’t yet received a reply… STOP – here I am! LISTEN – your comments resonate with pain -> pain that most who visit here either have or are experiencing. LISTEN – no reply could mean that the pain resurfacing in response to your comment has overwhelmed. Overwhelmed to the point of being unable to comment and help another, simply because you are desperately trying to keep your own head above the water…

          Hard as it is… Please get help…

        • Kate.. its real hard to respond for me. What can I say to you? that will make you feel better? Nothing. Maybe I can make you laugh. I sometimes have a dream that I go out into the woods 50 miles north of me where there are bear and wild animals. I would take as much bacon as I can and the best champagne and vodka money can buy. Wrap myself in the bacon , get totally shit faced and end up as animal poop within the week. its madness. I wish all of us some peace.

        • I totally connect what you are saying. I have a son and wife and I try and keep it together for them. I am in my late fifties . I have had a dream about taking the best champagne and vodka with 10 pounds of bacon into the deep woods.. Sit down, wrap myself in Bacon and toast my misery goodbye, and fall sleep. A few days later I would be nothing but bear poop. Back to the earth, finally at peace. You are not invisible. I would assume you have hit many a person right in the solar plexus with your post and so many feel like you. I just dont want to leave my son and wife. Both heroes of mine, so I keep on going but my body is beginning to show signs that it cant take the stress anymore. How many gallons of tears does one hold?I wish both us some peace.

  126. So all you feel too tired.

    First of all.I am not bipolar.Never been. But I will tell you who is most tired.Us, the people fighting for you all.
    Because when you are depressed, you share your pain with us and , believe me, we feel the same pain. But when you turn manic, then you just don’t feel. And this is double dose of pain for us. To summ it up, we experience 3 times more pain.

    And don’t say it is not true. Believe me. I deal with two different bipolar people, and i have to tell you all. You are all consumed by the depressing stage and I understand that.
    But believe me, what we “sane” (…) people find more suffering is the manic stage. Where you have fun destroying yourselves and won’t listen to the ones who care about you.
    This is what is tiring to us.

    And I write this right now because I am so very tired. So tired of baby sitting people that don’t want the help they need. People that I care about and that make me so sad every day just because they won’t feel the harm they are doing to themselves.
    I am so very tired of worrying about whether or not and how they are going or not going to take their medication, and see them flip out again after even one day that they won’t take it.And then go try and convince them that they are in the dangerous zone when they say

    “now I am ok, before I was not, now I see things clear, and I see that everyone is a lying bastard and all of this is a big plot against me, you are all enemiesyou are an asshole and she is a whore, get the hell out of my house”
    …and slam the door at their own children.

    • Kat…. Being a caregiver is so very tough.. Granted. But, you will never know the pain of someone who has this disease. Your anger shows me that you also need some help. I have taken my wife to mindfulness meditation classes and she is practicing it now. She is also seeing a therapist. She seems a little better. The pain I have over what My brain is doing to me and her and my son is unbearable. We cant stop it. that is why so many drink alcohol co much to self medicate. Be well .

  127. This article made me cry so hard. I’m sixteen and just over a year ago I was on Prozac and pulled out of school and seeing all these different doctors for what I thought was depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts.
    I got told yesterday that my actual diagnosis was manic depression, aka Bipolar Disorder.
    I think I blocked it out at the time to ignore it but since my mum told me I’ve felt like I’m crazy. The anti-depressants made me suicidal and at the time I couldn’t work out why; now I’m thinking they triggered a manic episode. I’ve been up all night and day looking at all these different websites and reading all these symptoms that I’ve had and I never accepted them.
    But this article really . . . It means something to me, I guess. I don’t know how to explain it. No one seems to understand how hard this is for me. Every day I wake up and it just feels harder and harder. I can be bouncing around all over the place, talking so fast no one can understand me, barely understanding myself, and it can last a few days, a week sometimes. Then one tiny thing can make me snap and I’m thinking about suicide and eyeing the medicine cabinet trying to figure out what pills would kill me.
    I’m going to the doctor on Tuesday but I’m scared and anxious. They’ll ask questions and they might ask me if I ever attempted suicide. I did, two years ago – I tried to drown myself. But my mum doesn’t know that yet, and I don’t want her to ever have to know, but the doctors need to know to help diagnose me accurately.
    I just wish people understood.

    • Hi Sophie,
      I just wanted to write and say you’re not alone. This article is really good in explaining how people with bipolar disorder can feel. It is hard for others to understand what it feels like, because it’s just not in their experience. Don’t worry too much about other people’s expectations, or what you think you should be doing. Just concentrate on recovery. Best of luck.

      • I like what you wrote. The worst part of this, for me, is how my feelings affect my family. some won’t talk to me, others dread hearing from me. when I am really down, I can’t even leave the house because I keep crying & I dont want anyone to see that. When up, I love life, every tree, every baby I see. I’ve been going through a particularly bad spell & am about to finally try lithium, which I find a scary drug because you have to get your blood tested. Physically, I am very healthy & afraid this drug might damage my health.

  128. Hello Natasha.
    I am starting a blog on Bipolar issues for a while but It has been hard to find good information in my language (portuguese).
    Would you mind that I use some of your articles translated, with your name and a link for your blog entries?
    I am bipolar II, dealing with it for 13 years already.

  129. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! I was so tired of fighting. I was so tired of trying to act normal of trying to function throughout my day. I googled “so tired of fighting depression” and up popped your article. I am bipolar and am suffering a major depressive state right now. I’m exhausted. I am the only source of income for my family and I cannot lose my job so I must work hard at getting through my day and acting and looking as much like my happy bubbly self as usual (my manic side ;)) I just wanted to stop fighting and although I can’t say the words out loud the idea of not breathing was becoming almost a thought. Your article reminded me that maybe, just maybe, tomorrow or even the next day I’d miss something that I would really want to see. I guess that means there is still some hope somewhere down deep inside me. I’m not totally gone. Thank you again.

  130. Hi Natasha.
    Hate weekends,there’s no support but crisis line ( usually swamped from calls) or the 2 hospitals.
    That’s it.
    By mid afternoon,I’m exhausted from fighting ,for sure.
    Today is very sad,was bummed out yesterday when I met w my social worker,who I trust totally & gets BP.
    He told me I really must lose the boyfriend,for good.
    No more sex while manic as a crackhead,he’s USING me ONLY for SEX.
    I’ve cried,thrown shit around,to no avail.
    Called crisis line awhile ago advised to chat w bf..ever since 4 h sex marathon,he won’t speak or return texts.
    My worker I know deep in my heart is right,but I don’t get why the silent treatment.feel very alone,unloved.
    Ps we were together on/off 5 yrs,depending on my state,& his drinking..thanks for reading, Sadie ( Sandra SAD)

  131. I am living with bipolar everyday and everyday is a constant battle, I try to switch off, but its not long before the demons come back and each time with more ferocity, my family don’t understand and when I have a good day think its all over and I am ok, my sister has seen me in some terrible states and was sympathetic for a while, but has now brushed it under the carpet because it impacts on her nice life… anyway good luck to her I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. I have kids grandkids, a job, but on the sick at the moment because of my condition, I have stopped socialising, meeting people, work is such an ordeal because I work with the public, it doesn’t matter what I do or who I see, I still feel totally alone, I was once a friendly lively women and now feel like an empty shell. People cant see it so it doesn’t exist. I have been on meds.. many years ago and don’t want to go back on them, would rather feel like a zombie off them, because I sure felt like one on them.. no emotions. Its like trying to crawl out of a deep well only to slide back down again and again. The lights on but nobodies at home kind of feeling, I cant wait for night so I can crawl into bed but still those voices prey on you… no rest. I am so thankful for this site and sympathize whole heartedly with one and all. I would greatly appreciate any feed back Thankyou

  132. The only way to fight this is believing in christ.. I’m just 17 and I was diagnosed early this year.. before then it was really though and I didn’t wanna go for a test but my parents insisted… i was so angry at every one, and I triedmto commit suicide countless times… I didn’t have friends because of my mood swings. I decided to go back to my christian roots and I swear im soo happy now, I can breathe and live again, nd pretend like nothing ever happened… I realised I didn’t have to be different from every normal person and I could actually be really happy.. im so happy with my life right now although im not yet fully recovered but I’m better than what I used to be and the suicidal thoughts are all gone

  133. I cannot thank you enough for this blog post. I just got discharged from a 5 day inpatient stay. My first ever. I came out on lithium and with a firm bipolar 2 diagnosis. It’s been suspected for a long time but only the depression was treated. You explained exactly how I’ve felt for so long. I am so freaking tired of working so hard just to exist. It’s exhausting. I keep feeling like it shouldn’t be so hard just to live!!!! I’m so glad I found you! Thank you for being a cheerleader to encourage us to keep working to breathe in and out, take that next step. It’s all just so tiring. Thank you!

  134. I don’t have many strategies for fighting the war for a balanced, whatever that is, mood state. Some of you seem to have a very good understanding of your mood states – I’m still trying to figure it out.

  135. Help…

    I greatly fear that my wife has Bipolar disorder, I thought so for a long time but she would never agree and never got help… maybe she doesn’t… but then I don’t know how else to explain our history, her behavior, her choices…

    I’m at the end of my wits here, crying… it’s too difficult to go into too much detail about but to try to summarize…

    We’ve been married for five years, in love so dearly… and had a daughter together last year… I joined the Army due to financial hardship and wanting to give us everything we need as a family… While in the Army she took my daughter and went to her family in another country… She and I exchanged love letters but she begged me to quit and I didn’t, I graduated Basic Training… While in technical school she drew more distant from me, less communication… and bct was only 10 minutes at most on sundays after the first few weeks of training… She then told me she wants a divorce if I don’t quit… so I managed to get out… we patched things up over the phone and it has been 10 months since I saw her or my daughter, she refuses to come back though and says it’s over again, is talking all kinds of crazy things about how I never showed her my love…

    Her memories are so different from mine.

    I remember her acting out, becoming very aggressive, screaming at me for no apparent reason and I would try to calm her down but eventually took it personally and yelled back that she was being rude to me… EVERY time we had these arguments (once a month approximately, at some point) she would apologize and cry the next day and beg my forgiveness…. But now, a year later, she seems to have forgotten that and has taken a different spin on things, revoking her apologies (pretending they never happened?) and assaulting me from a distance…

    I feel like I’m married to two different people, one is the woman I love so dearly and married and had my daughter with and share all of these great memories with… The other is like a demon possessing my wife and trying to steal my family and memories and indeed my sanity away from me…

    I don’t know what to do, I’m so angry, so lost, so confused, so hurt, I’ve never felt such an abyss of depression in my life as I do now, I am losing my wife who I love so dearly, I cannot imagine being with another woman, I want her, nobody else… I just want my wife… I had plans for our family, to grow old together, to have such good memories… And poof it is taken away for no reason, she thinks divorce is the only solution and I don’t understand.

    She isn’t cheating on me she says, I believe her, we have not had such issues… I truly believe this is a mental problem she is having… I’m just so damn confused.

    • Hi there Anon,
      I’m sorry to hear of these arguments. Marital arguments can get very heated and intense, and sometimes if the couple are intensely in love the arguments get bigger and less logical.

      From what you describe I cannot discern anything that sounds like bipolar disorder. Your wife would have to be experiencing mania or hypomania for this to be the case. There would be more problems than just the arguments, if she was bipolar. If you are concerned read some fact sheets on the internet from your local health service, and see if you recognise the signs. Then see if you can coax her to the doctors.

      I am married and I have had the disorder for six years.
      My advice would be for the two of you to see a marriage counsellor together.

  136. Everyday is a struggle and even the closest person to you cannot understand.Rapid cycles are once a week. Endless sleepless night, day time I drag my ass around and feel useless. The anxiety, worry, panic attacks, extreme sadness that drowns you. Every single second a crisis. A million emotions soar in a second. Too many thoughts muddy a loud brain full of voices. Some won’t go away from the past and others are just to frighten you with the worst case scenario and ruin the future. People blame everything that goes wrong on you because your damaged, your disposable.Negative thoughts and comment turn into extreme paranoia.Your own mother doesn’t really trust you. Have you taken your meds, they ask. You try to reach for help but how dare you have any emotions. So you swallow them. Your a stone and you try not to need anyone. Then you pray so hard. The people don’t help…They can just ask you, have you taken your meds today? So casual shoving you away, because you are inconvenient. You cannot trust anyone not even your own mind. Then lets talk about that, You can let the meds slowly kill your liver and kidneys, or you can be without and live longer slowly going insane from all your obsessions and worries.Then, if you finally find someone who loves you enough to understand and deal, other people prevent you from staying together because, after all, you are broken, not good enough for their son or they are afraid because they read somewhere people with bipolar do this or that. I’m sick to death of living with this disease every moment and broken hearted by the way other people treat you when they find out you have it. I just want a vacation and to turn my brain off. I always feel so paranoid and cannot cope with even the smallest social interactions. When God finally calls me home, I will be free of this horrible disease I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy. I pray for that day to come soon so I never have to fall sick and get put away again. They will the shock my brain, and I won’t remember why I’m sick, but I also won’t remember who I am, or what I am, or who I love or why.

  137. Pingback: Soulbound Heart » Now I lay me down to sleep…

  138. I too am tired of fighting. My BPD cycles at least five times a year, making me a “rapid cycler”. At 56 I have less and less energy to fight it. However, with all the suicides in my family and knowing the destruction and anger they leave the survivors, I will never, ever do that. I have a six year old grandson and I won’t do that to him.

    That being said, I will also not make a huge effort to stay alive. I don’t care to go exercise, I don’t care what I eat, about check ups, sunscreen, or any other effort that will extend my life. I suppose you could call it “suicide by neglect”. When the day comes, it won’t really matter. And I’m not doing anything that will make me go through this any longer. If I get cancer, just give me the morphine. If I have a heart attack, DNR. Unplug me. Don’t intubate. If you come to my house, kill me. I don’t care.

    There is just too much and I’ve been doing it all my life. Every year it gets harder and harder. Maybe it’s time to start running more red lights or hitch hiking or take up the high wire. I refuse to jump, but I wouldn’t mind falling. I’ve fallen out of enough trees, I know. It should be fun free falling. Then by the time you realize you’ve hit, you’re already gone.

  139. This makes me tear up :’)

    I don’t have bipolar disorder, but I’m a caregiver of one. My best friend of two years who is now my boyfriend for three months has it. And it’s painful to watch him struggle. It’s painful to remember that sometimes, I forgot it’s his illness talking and took things personally. And I’d get stressed. But I’m not the one who gets to get sad about it. He does.

    It’s difficult being a caregiver, but I gotta stay strong for him. Thank you for this post :)

    • No worries and no need to apologize. I understand about panaceas! The last thing I’d wanna do is have people think veganism would cure them. It would probably do more harm than good. Veganism is just an opinion, after all. ;)

  140. Steve, A
    Wheat has been around for a long time. Maybe you’re allergic to it and it affects you negatively in some way, but I am highly skeptical that wheat can drive you insane. Otherwise, God help us.

    Anonymous,
    You do not become “hooked” on BP medication.

    Sharyn,
    I doubt becoming vegan will cure BP. Been there, done that. So have fun explaining away this kind of discrepancy.

    Thank you.

    • I’m trying a new way, kinda talking to my brain when its starts going on and on about everything on it’s own. I kinda tell it “not right now brain”. “Maybe later”. It sounds kind of crazy but I’m going to give it a shot. They say if your brain is always stressing out and never resting, it’s going to kill you, so I’m going to try to find a way for it to get some rest. Darn, even when I’m laying down or sleeping it won’t give it a rest. Even when I’m dreaming, the dreams are so vivid and realistic, like I’m not sleeping, I’m actually there living there at that moment, most of the dreams are bad.

      • No. Wait. I never said going vegan cured me and I never would. It’s just something I did and I feel good about it. I seriously doubt there’s any way to cure BP especially with food as its a chemical problem entirely. I was feeling really clogged up on Seroquel though and the drug made me feel lethargic, gain weight and it also raised my blood sugars to a near type II diabetic condition. I’d read about how many people gain weight and become diabetic on Seroquel no matter how hard they try and it was happening to me. I tapered off of it because the weight gain was beginning to cause me more depression than the BP ever had. I could never sleep well on Seroquel because I was sleeping all the time even at a low dose of 50mg. I did it for myself and the unintended consequence was feeling better. I’d never endorse a dietary cure, and according to celiac central .org only 1% of people even have celiac disease so I have never believed that had anything to do with anything BP. To me the celiac thing is the new fad diet. That said, if there’s some placebo cure in it I’m guessing its temporary and somatic to be certain. I don’t endorse veganism or any other lifestyle. Moderation, if anything, seems best in all things. The ancient Greeks have always been right in that regard.

      • Just wanted to say Wheat has changed over the years and it is not the same wheat we grew up on I just call today’s wheat Hybrid Wheat or I just call it our daily poison to all who eats it.
        http://preventdisease.com/news/12/011612_Modern-Wheat-Really-Isnt-Wheat-At-All.shtml

        another good article

        http://www.infowars.com/modern-wheat-is-the-perfect-chronic-poison-says-expert/

        Wheat does not drive everybody insane. I read a book the wheat was usually the cause of most everything. Wheat just turns on different things in our bodies example bipolar were some families it is diabetes to cancer. That is why illnesses are so hereditary in families. Wheat made me Bipolar and to another family its say dementia.

        I read this in one of my many books and I believe this is so true.

        Do you become hooked on BP medication well I would have to say yes.
        If you quit taking it you would become psychotic to most people who are BP. I suppose it all depends on the severity of each individual. So taking Medication we can’t live without but we must suffer the side effects which I could not take anymore. Maybe it was a combination of drugs and all the wheat I kept eating.

        Anyway Wheat should be banned but it is not it just keeps destroying the next generation so we all loose in watching are kids grow up. Sad thing I already know My daughter will be like me but kids are kids and will eat this Wheat its soo good. They can’t comprehend the Hell they will go through. I overly warn my kids because it herts to see them eat this poison. what I went threw today still haunts me and I will never forget it.

        I also will try to go more vegetarian.

        To Sharyn did you give up all grains? Like no white rice or wild rice just vegetables and fruits?
        Just wondering because I may give those up and stick with vegetables and fruits.
        But will have chicken and possibly meat since that would be hard to live with out but I would if I had to.

        Steve

  141. Just an example: Friday fema called for me to travel to Illinois to work at a disaster. The thought of doing it made me so depressed I burst into tears (I rarely cry) and think about shooting myself in the head. I asked my husband not to make me go to work. (His answer was, ok, don’t). Today I finished talking to everyone to cancel my work plans. I may lose my job but at this point I don’t really give a shit.

  142. Hi all. a few days ago I felt that I had come to my last battle. I have been fighting with myself since 12 and I am almost 40 now. I google this and came across this blog in desperation cause it seems like I dont have the strength to fight it anymore. Sometimes the only time I even get away from the madness that constantly runs in my head is at work. I troubleshoot computer systems and it keeps my mind occupied. I also listen to alot of meditation and Dharma talks to try to strengthen my mind but not making too much progress. Its also probably cause I haven’t put it to use by actually doing the meditation. It’s hard to meditatd when your mind can’t stop running. I always feel alone even when people are around me. I feel like an empty shell zombie at times too. My father has this problem but he takes alot of medication and I don’t want to go that route cause he’s like a zombie. He barely lives life, sleeps so much. I feel like I’m babbling on and on. To all. Thank you for sharing. Please don’t give up. We will be ok. Everything is impermanent, only death is certain, we don’t know how much time we have with our love ones.

    • This may sound strange, but try volunteering. Find people who need your help: veterans in the hospital, abused children, fire victims, refugees, people who need jobs, anyone. You can start with the united way or catholic family services or the red cross. You can use your computer skills or do something completely different. The arc has an international program finding separated family members of refugees. At 56 after battling bipolar all my life, this works best.

  143. I’ve been dealing with bipolar disorder for fifty years. It does not get easier as you get older. And my life is very stressful, nothing I can do about it. My situation is the best I can make it for the next 14 years or so. So I take my meds (not lithium, can’t take that, but a cocktail of other drugs that don’t really work all the time) and am thinking about ECT if I can find a place our insurance will cover it.
    I have been manic/rage and depression/suicidal. The prospect of staying alive because it would hurt the people I care about (we have a lot of suicides in my family and I see what it does to survivors) is a tough but effective rationale. I was rejected from an ECT trial because I have never been arrested.
    My life is a constant struggle to keep going. There are defenseless people who depend on me for their protection, so I have be here. When they can protect themselves, then I will go. And I may go on my own terms. We’ll just have to see.

  144. I was diagnosed as manic/depressive (now called bi-polar) when I was 16, and I am 59 now. Its been a long journey but both medications and public acceptance of mental illness have come a long way. As you would expect, my life has been almost equally successful and disasterous. I am one of those that are insanely productive when manic so have been successful in work, but both the crazy busy and the pits of despair have destroyed every inter-personal relationship. I live because I am a responsible person and I have responsibilities. No matter how appealing it can be to just stop the madness, I could never accept abandoning my responsibilities. After all these years I have realised that is what gives me my strength, and holding true to my word is the source of pride and validation that centers me despite all the turmoil.
    Its not easy but it is who I am, and while it took thirty years, I have learned to accept it and make the best of it. Find your purpose and always have a goal. You may get tired and it may take a while to line yourself up to actually be working on the goal, but whether it is a small or large goal having one gives you purpose, achieving a goal gives you hope and if not happiness, then at least a sense of accomplishment. There are tons of things out there that you can make as goals from helping others to achieving any success that means something to you. I rescue abused dogs and it would betray them and my intention to take care of them if I don’t honour my commitment to the end of their lives, and sadly there are always plenty of dogs to help. It may not be at the level of a Mother Theresa, but since I don’t care that much for people, it works in my comfort zone and as a goal I can believe in and be content with.

  145. I can relate to all of you. In addition to BP I have PTSD, OCD, ADD, and severe Anxiety/Panic disorder. I was put on ADD meds around the time I was 7 or 8 years old. I believe this is where my problems arose. I am not certain, but I feel like it may have some correlation. My cycles are so rapid I feel like I have no emotions sometimes and thoughts race through my head like wildfire. It is complete and total hell, I feel like I am living in hell. Interesting thing though is that I still have some pretty good friends (the fake ones don’t stay for too long-I live in Hollywood, it is a very fake atmosphere with very materialistic people). I am also in a long distance relationship but that is soon coming to an end as my boyfriend is moving in with me here in Cali in just a couple of weeks. I am terrified I will chase him away. I can be a HANDFUL sometimes, and I can’t control it. I am 26 years old and female if that helps at all. I feel like I have always had BP disorder, but after being in a major car accident 3 years ago and being abused by my ex bf, then being bugged-a man robbed me and chased me with a knife- strangling me, but I got away…then a constant battle with “real friends” who ended up just being people who wanted to party all the time and drink-didn’t help me either, just brought me down with them. I got into the wrong stuff, probably did some real damage to my brain and body-went out a lot, I literally was just looking for any way to escape. My jobs were always odd, it was a mess, I was a mess for the past almost 4 years I would say…even before all that, I was in college and was put on an antidepressant that made me go crazy called Cymbalta…I was like 5 different types of people in a 5 month span. So crazy! I have had a stable and good job now for the past 6 months and I hope I can continue this way. I have gotten a little better, and have tried to educate my boyfriend on this topic as well, but it is SO hard for someone to understand what BP is if they don’t actually have it themselves. I have about 6 different emotions on Monday (2 days ago) then today I feel completely opposite. I feel like I have a severe case of BP. I have never taken meds for it before but my doctor today (who isn’t a gem of a person herself) gave me Lamictal low dose. I haven’t even picked it up yet from the pharmacy but I know I need to start it at some point so save myself, and my relationships. Anyways, my point is, I am scared…so scared I’m about to cry again and I don’t know what to do to help myself while I am not on the meds. I am/and have gone through so much crap in my life I don’t know how to handle it anymore as I feel like it getting worse and worse….it’l get better then HORRID. I feel like this happens if I rage over the weekend or not on a stable routine, but honestly, I have never even been on a stable routine, I don’t know what that is like. My sleeping pattern varies month to month from a TON of sleep to just a couple hours of sleep. I am mentally drained. I need more hobbies and I need more people/friends to understand me…if I don’t have understanding I will go crazy, more than I already have gone. Does anyone have any advice for me?

    • Michelle,

      Fist and foremost you need to start worrying about you not your boyfriend and chasing him off, if he loves you for you then he will stay with you thru the long haul. I would start by findinng myself a psychiatrist since you yourself identify her as “not beinf a gem” the right cocktail of meds is key to stabalizing bp along with therapy. If it helps you I too am a 34 year old woman that suffers from bipolar, extreme anxiety, a seizure disorder, and sesoanl affective disorder. I know it can be a constant struggle I have been in some very compromisinng situations myself. You need to find routine and always stick to it your cycling should slow down and once you find the right coctail of meds your mood will start to stabalize. I would also talk to my doc about a sleep aid. I use several different prescriptions to go to sleep every night it helps to regulate my sleep pattern to keep my rythme in line. It is important for you to stay positive and have a good support system, Itb sounds like with your boyfriend coming out to live with you and your friends that have been by yoour side that you have the possibility of having a good support network. I now am married have a 14 year old sonn and live a realatively normal life. I had to leave my first doctor and be hospitalized and found another doc before I found the right combo for me. Being in the hospital sucks so be proactive now so your not reactive later. I wish for you only the best and hope this helps some,

      Respectfully,

      Christy

    • [moderated] but it’s different for everyone. What it comes down to is the chemisty of what our brains lack and what the meds can do to fix it. That and exercise and nutrition. Good luck and God bless!

      • Hi Andrea,

        I don’t like suggestion of treatment specifics here. I think doctors need to be making those decisions. I know you’re probably just trying to help, but it’s not something I allow here.

        – Natasha Tracy

        • I think doctors need to be making those decisions?
          Now I know why so many people are here sick and suicidal.
          I know why so many people took their lives as well as family members and the sad thing they could have been preventable. Their Disease did not kill them Doctors did by not telling them the truth and treating with their toxic drugs which makes no sense. To everyone here diagnosed with bi-polar quit eating wheat for starters. That is why you ended up here in the first place. Wheat ruined your villa in your gut.
          Read Books the answers are out there. Just wish I could help by posting what you need.
          Sad thing about this site is you cannot give advice?
          You should just trust your Doctor who is slowly killing you and live at there mercy!
          I been through the Hell you are going through but at least now I am living and able to be there for my kids. Sad to say I gave them up at the time because I was so sick and suicidal. I have come a long way and trust me Doctors where the big cause of it. Not telling me the truth! I was not getting better I was getting sicker. I almost became a victims of my Doctors! How can they do this!
          For western medicine Doctors> I hope you like Hell because that is where you are going!!
          You know what you are doing.
          If your kids were Bipolar you would treat them the right way and tell them the truth as I know some.
          Not make them a victim at you mercy and die a miserable death.
          Doctors destroyed my Life, Marriage, and probably the next Generation, My kids.
          I know what it feels like to be normal and feel good and yes drug free. I do take alot of natural things I am not cured but I feel Good because that is what we are lacking.
          It just makes me sick seeing so many people who could be living but instead they are sick and dying.

          For my Doctors, You better prey you never run into me or it will be a cold Day in Hell.

          P.S. I used to cry when a certain song would come on the radio I was depressed and yes suicidal.
          Today my brain is healthy and I am very balanced. I do not cry 24-7 nor do I get emotional when a sad song is t on the radio. I do not drink or smoke anymore all because I balanced my brain the proper way and gave my body what it was lacking. Yes it is possible…

          I thank everyone who helped me see the light. There are good people out there that really want to help!

          God Bless
          Steve

          • Steve,

            You sound MANIC and like you should go in and see a Psychiatrist. You come on this site and bash doctors that try their best to help people with Bipolar disorder to live a happy and healthy life. What is your deal? You lost your kids and destroid your marriage all on your own because of your disease (Bipolar) and fail to take responsibility for it. I live a perfectly normal life and know that my doctors are helping me NOT slowly killing me! If the natural way fits you better than good for you but don’t come here and get nasty about the way the majority of us manage our Bipolar. The natural way does not work for most and does not sound like it is working for you. All the anger you have is ridiculous you can read it in the undertone of your post. I take great issue with your opinion. Yes everybody is entitled to an opinion but you have not been politically correct with expressing your opinion at all. Shame on you! I think your just a mad un medicated Bipolar person that needs to find something else to do rather than come on these sites and bitch about everything that has happened to you because of your own doing then blame it on the doctors that treated you! Man up and take responsibility for your actions. Then maybe you can start healing and wouldn’t feel the need to bash others or out right threaten the doctors of your past.

            Christy

            • I sound Manic? I think not.

              When I got sick I was put on Drugs as well as unnecessary surgeries that can not be reversed. I went from one Doctor to another and Yes I was seeing a Shrink or I will call Here Doctor Death. I went to the Mayo Clinic and I thought I had the Best of Doctors. As Time went on I became very suicidal major Brain Fog Memory loss and loss all will to live. I even lost all ability to sleep then came antipsychotic Drugs. My wife left and I gave her custody of the kids what else could I do I was a nut case. For the next few years I read did a lot of reading trying to save my life and the future of my kids. I read every health book I could find and the ones who saved me were not Books written from Doctors or Parma companies. I read one book on Bi-polar and the first thing it said was to get off wheat as it contains gluten which is like glue and it destroys your Villa in Your small intestine. This Damage starts very young and you probably can look back and see you were not balanced. Maybe you were treated for ADD later to find out you are Bi-polar or schizophrenic. 30+ years and you villa is so damaged that your brain cannot get what it needs and through the years you start thinking different but you do not see it because it took many years to get were you are today.

              Question to everybody on this web site> How many Doctors told you to quit eating Wheat? Not one Doctor told me nor my Psychiatrist!

              The food that caused your Bi-polar and it is literally killing you they do not tell you?
              Make any sense!

              Now you may say I was tested for Celiac Disease and I tested negative. Well 2 % of the people have celiac Disease. We fall in the line of gluten sensitive meaning we do not get Deathly sick like a Celiac person who eats wheat for the first time. We are gluten sensitive meaning we do not have the warning signs Celiac person do. We just keep consuming this wheat until we have done so much damage that we become psychotic. There is no tests for gluten sensitive you must know the symptoms.

              Dr. Oz had a show 6 Months back explaining this. Dr. Joel Fuhrman explains Celiac and gluten sensitive. Gluten sensitive persons can possibly die from eating wheat which contains gluten. Now I know why my Dads brother Killed himself and yes he was being medicated. What I went through was everything listed in his suicide note.

              They treat me with drugs trick your mind and you keep eating this until you are in such brain Fog and very suicidal.

              Today I am more balanced than when I was a kid sad to say.
              I do take allot of certain amino acids which the body requires. I take certain ones in the morning and certain ones at night for sleep. It has taken me years to get my brain back to a healthy state and to once again sleep a good 8 hours and feel refreshed in the morning.

              If I did not read and educate myself I would be six feet under or on disability sitting in a dark corner in some drug induced brain fog coma.

              I have cured all my symptoms which doctors could not besides unnecessary surgeries I will have to live with.

              I can’t Sue! This is how they treat people treat the symptom Not the cause.

              All Doctors were doing was treating symptoms.
              How many Doctors asked to check to see what Vitamins and amino acids you are lacking Verses just give toxic drugs 94 percent of peoples problems are cured by giving your body what it is lacking.
              I thought so.

              I work every morning and yes Sometimes I for get I am even Bi-polar. Why did I go though years of hell. Why wasn’t I told the truth!
              I just kept eating the wheat that was killing me and destroying my gut even after they diagnosed me with bi-polar!! WTF…

              You really think there there for your best interest!

              If I was treated properly I probably still would be married.

              I now have neuropathy damage in my hands due to wheat which Doctors did not tell me
              what was causing it.

              If I could I would sue but I cant because this is how they treat you. Just treat the symptoms and never tell you the cause. Don’t believe Goggle it!

              I am living proof!

              Do you really think your health will improve taking drugs and eating wheat that is destroying you Gut!! I know the Doctor did not tell you this!

              I could see if they gave me drugs and told me to get off wheat what was causing the problem or should I say killing me..

              Get away from all processed foods.

              P.S there is nothing wrong with your brain the problem is in your gut.
              I take high does of certain amino acids and vitamins …………………………..

              Best Of luck
              Steve

            • Thank you Steve. I wish they would stop this for people that it does not work on or let them know that they are going to be zombies. My father was such a bright person, now he sleeps most of the day fron the meds, he seems so lost, there is not much I can do for him. I dont take the meds even though I know I have similiar issues like him since I see what its doing to him. I know there are othsr solutions then just getting medicated like a gerbil til they find the right ones, by that time I might be far gone and hooked.

            • I wish Doctors would have told me Wheat was damaging my gut but no they put me on meds and tricked my mine and I just kept eating the wheat that was killing me.

              My heath went down hill from there as I evenly lost all sleep to where more drugs were added. Doctors did me no favor. They were just letting me Kill myself while they
              Just sat back and treaded the symptoms this was a death sentience. I call it Murder!

              I can’t believe this actually goes on in the USA.

              We put to much faith in them because after all they went two school 12 plus years to treat symptoms with drugs. How many told you to take amino acids which are bodies require or vitamins. I thought so. I was depleted of all of them and I take a high doses of them to feel good where they just offered a few toxic drugs to poison me more. I already am depleted or lacking natural things offer me some of those and maybe I will not need your drug. Are brain is telling that when we think suicide or are not happy anymore > are brain is lacking or should I say starving and we need to feed it what it is missing to feel good again. Drugs are not nutrients for the brain!!

              Steve

  146. I never dreamed that I would ever again want to discuss my brain chemical imbalance, my bipolar disease, but this blog has been very good for me. I seem to mention my age a lot, 63, but I believe that it might be important. It’s certainly true: One has to keep going or quit. I have been through every kind of hell that I can imagine although I know that some have seen worse. Because I have “lasted,” this long, I ask those of you who are younger and tired to please keep going. I felt liberated when I realized that I have a BRAIN CHEMICAL IMBALANCE. I am not “crazy.” My life has been so so good and so so bad. Feeling hopeless is devastating, and I have felt that way so many times. And yet, as I age, I am able to remember feelings of happiness and contentment without feeling the remorse that I did I when I realized I could not recapture those exact moments. Now I can think about the wonderful years of raising children and a successful career. it is very hard to accept that it’s gone and think about the 20 plus years I lost, but finally I don’t yearn to go back. For so long, I expected old friends to have some kind of epiphany and return, but that is not going to happen. So, what am I going to do today. I’m. About to take four medications that work. Then I’m going to pick up the house. That feels good because for so long I couldn’t. Do it . On and on with seemingly mundane tasks. However, they are important because they are possible. My daughter, 36,’and I are close again. for years she would have nothing to do with me. We talk every day. My son has forgiven me. My husband and I are close again. If one of my suicide attempts had been successful, I would not “be here now”. (Ran Das). To those of you who are young enough to be my children, I beg of you to keep fighting. Please. It may not get better, but it gets easier and does not seem so utterly impossible. Is anyone out there close to my age? I often wonder. I was in jail six times before I was diagnosed correctly. The longest stint was three months in lock down in one of the very worst jails in WI. Now my crimes have been changed to “innocent by reason of mental defect.” I write this simply as an example of what can occur when a good psychiatrist and proper medications are found. Finally, I am very excited because for the first time in eleven years, my daughter is coming home, her first home. And, she will have a husband and son with her. That thought is a true gift.

  147. it seems that Sundays are always hard on me. Not sure why? Just are. I’m heartbroken daily. And it’s me who does all of the breaking.

    I’m 30 years old and I’m severely disappointed that I was not diagnosed a long time ago. Why wasn’t I? Let’s see, I ran away from school. Literally, took off during recess. There was that time I tried to fly…

    It’s just really hard to have BP. I feel like poison. I miss my friends–I ruined so much. I’m exhausted just by writing this. And trust me when I say I wondered if a note from my Doc, “Take him back! He has BP! He didn’t know what was happening or what he was saying!”

    It makes me so sad to wake up. Or even try to fall asleep–I’m always thinking and replaying moments where I wish, I wish held closer to my heart.

    The life I created now is very lonesome. I understand why. I just don’t understand how to change it.

    I’m just so very, very, very lonely.

    Chris

    • Chris,

      Don’t be so hard on yourself.I know having bp is hard I have lived with it my whole life and I’m 34 now. All you need is a good doc and therapist and right cocktail of meds. Do you have a good support system? That is very important too! I live a ” normal” life despite being on disability. You have to take control of your life and not be a victim anymore don’t let bp take over. We hear your pain we’ve all been where you are at….push thru do things step by step and you too can live a healthy life

      Best of luck to you!

      Christy

      • All the meds I have tried made me feel worse than before I’d started them. Who wants to be tranquilized like a wild animal, lethargic, gaining weight, bloated, empty, constipated, blurry eyed, and hooked on substances? That’s inhuman.

        • My doc used to say, “Not feeling good is not an option,” in reference to meds. You just need to find the right mix/dose! The 2 basic components of treating bipolar is a mood stabilizer and antidepressant. KEEP TRYING!

          • Actually , I’ve been off all meds now over 6 weeks and I lost all the weight I’d gained, I’m sleeping like a baby and I feel great. No ups or downs, no depression or anything odd at all.

      • Hi Christy!

        It was a nice surprise to have a response from you and the others. It brings a smile to my face and I appreciate it. I appreciate it for all the times I’ve read it and will read it.

        That’s the tough part–I don’t have an immediate support system. My mother is awesome and also my best friend.

        I’ve ruined so many friendships. Almost all. It’s gotten to the point that I look forward to seeing my Shrink–she substitutes my missing friendships.

        I just graduated from college so I’m on the market and not having a routine does not help one bit. Some days I have to make mini adventures like movies at noon and shooting hoops.

        I feel like a monster. I don’t trust my emotions and that makes me feel like I fell into the abyss.

        But, I’m still here.
        I wanted to die forever but I have solid meds telling me to push–even those are like my friends.

        Thanks and may we both fight the good fight.

        Chris from ATL

    • Wow Chris. You wrote exactly my life. I’m with you. I ruin everything and everyone and am very alone. I even stay away from people because I know that if I’m around someone too much I will rip them to shreds, reduce them to tears, year apart their life, and then wonder why I did it. I just did this to one of the last people I had left. I’m better off alone. I’m like a frigging velociraptor.

    • I’m so sorry, Chris.
      Just tell yourself it’s never too late, because it really isn’t. Starting over after bad periods has felt amazing for me. I’ve “started over” many times in life and I hope one day I will be happy enough not to need to again. When things are in place I won’t get depressed and ruin it again. Someday I’ll be 100% happy. You will too.

      • Do you guys destroy friendships too? I just did another doozy . I became friends with someone I pretty much disliked but he kept pushing to be my friend. Finally I’d had enough of his stupidity and ended it but I just tore him apart throughout the whole thing and left him wondering what happened. I used to always put him down and pick on him anyways so I figured it was best for us both if I just ended the communication for good. Do you guys do that? Destroy people? I feel nothing really. I never really liked him so it didnt hurt me one bit. In fact I got the best part of it by purposefully not becoming attached so that I couldn’t get hurt ever by him. I feel like a monster. But he was giving me stuff and helping me and I was taking advantage of that and figured I’d better stop it since it was unfair to him. He got mad and made nasty comments about me being mental and I decided that was that, and tried to give him his stuff back that he had given me (I live on disability). I didnt take advantage of him really but I could have, that’s why I decided to stop talking to him. He is so stupid and annoying and I believe he thought he could have me in a sexual way if he helped me because of my disability. I think he had bad intentions but either way it’s done and I feel no remorse.

  148. I have every reason to live, it’s just that I feel like I’m never good enough, and it’s exhausting. Even if I’m recovered, I’ll still have genetic predispositions. I wish I wasn’t different. It isn’t as obvious as a physical trait but everyone still notices. I talk to people and many of them have a sense of pity for me. What can I do? I’ve had to take second and third chances just to be emotionally ready for things “normal” people can do easily. I feel like they have an advantage. I have intellectual potential but not emotional potential. I resent others’ advantages. I feel like it’s true, I’ll never be good enough for “normal” people. And some of them are not very polite about pointing that out.
    I’m just happy you understand, that’s it.

    • What you said is true. I have had 2 men basically stalk me and I think they feel they can get me because I’m mental. I hate it. It has made me very suspicious and not trusting of any male. I’m 40 and very thin and tomboyish and athletic. Guys are attracted to me and I actually try to warn them away from me because I’m a monster and I know I’d just rip them up and use them and not care and then dump them as soon as I’m bored ( a couple weeks, max) and then they are left heartbroken. It makes for a lonely life but I’m tired of burning people and tired of getting burned .

  149. I’m a 41 year old freelance writer and journalist, 10 yrs post diagnosis. However, the doctor who treated me on an emergency basis diagnosed with me Bipolar 2, a milder form of the disorder than most others suffer. I’ve not pursued treatment in the intervening years, except when an acute manic phase sends me dangerously out of control. Reading your blog, learning of the struggles of others suffering from full blown primary BPD has been an extraordinary learning experience for me. My own experience with bipolar 2, while by no means an ideal situation, indeed at times quite inconvenient, has by no means been the relentless horror show so many others seem to be dealing with.
    As you seem to have quite a bit more experience dealing with this disorder than I, I was wondering what your thoughts might be on my method of coping with what can be, apparently, a very debilitating and dangerous disorder. To whit, not dealing with it at all, until it becomes hazardous to myself and those around me. Upon reflection, my methods seem a bit irresponsible. Thanx for your time

    • Hi Keith,

      At best, I’d say you’re lucky and at worst, I’d say you’re going to end up in the hospital.

      Most people would not be able to survive by simply ignoring the problem as it affects their every day lives and future severe episodes much be avoided due to major implications. If this isn’t happening for you and what you’re doing works for you, then that’s your call. It’ll likely work until it doesn’t. I’m a proponent of actively avoiding episodes, but that doesn’t mean everyone has to be.

      By the way, if you experienced full-blown mania, then it means you have bipolar I and not bipolar II.

      – Natasha Tracy

  150. Hi,
    I am 27 year old India lad, I am in depression from last five years, i married before two years ago to cure me but still suffering, she isn’t with me and really am tired with my life and just wanna suicide,
    I hate my country, I hate the people of my country, I hate the all things that make me connect with this country,

  151. Im tired of fighting Im 54 have been homeless and Im Ihave been on every pill you can say and im tired so I start again tomorrow but I turn to my god and doctor and Im giving up Im done fighting……………….IM TIRED

    • Phyllis,

      I am 34 years old and I feel y9our pain. I am in the middle of a medication changemy self and a little frusterated. I’m tired to but the thought of giving with all the new technology and meds out there is not an option. Stay strong do not let bipolar take over your life. I’m sorry that you have been homeless that must have been difficult for you. I know every bipolar person is diffrent, but I don’t think giving up on yourself should be aan option. Love yourself and never give up hope!

  152. Hi, I’m a 21 year old girl that’s been struggling with depression since I was around 10 years old. They recently diagnosed me with bipolar dissorder they don’t like diagnosing bipolar until you’re an adult. Life is hard. So hard. I don’t feel like the people around me quite understand just how hard it is. If I’m not ecstatic I’m suicidal or want to hurt myself. Everyday seems harder then the last; everyday is a fight to get out of bed. Reading the comments and the article really helped me today. I don’t feel as alone or messed up. I want to thank everybody that left a comment you helped me greatly, I am getting help and I am currently on medication. I’m trying my best to work through this. I know everybody that has read this article is. I know that because we have already fought hard enough to seek others facing the same thing. Thank you.

  153. Hello,

    I too suffer from bring bipolar. It feels like a non stop boxing match with my brain. I am currently on meds. They help, but I feel like it losing its grip and thoughts of suicide are there everyday. I’m wondering if anyone has tried shock therapy? And if so has it been successful?

    Regards,

    Paul

      • Because I had over 50 ECT treatments and lost memory of the best 15-20 years of my life, I researched the practice quite extensively. It seems that a great deal of new information is coming out concerning whom it can help and whom it can’t. I read Medscape for physicians which I get because of my credentials, and the research is pretty amazing. I’m interested in the difference between unilateral and bilteral. The dr. told me that unilateral would prevent memory loss, but it didn’t. I kind of doubt that 80 percent is an across the board success rate. The researchers seem to see different populations reacting diferently to ECT. I have seen geriatric patients literally change within three weeks. I hope there’s more discussion of this. Thanks.

  154. 1995 diagnosed with Epilepsy. 2005 diagnosed with PTSD. 2011 diagnosed with nonepileptic seizure disorders. 2011 diagnosed with Bipolar. Thank you for this blog & yes, Bipolar is exhausting. I am so tired of the highs and lows. I feel like every day I am a running a marathon against myself. I am usually what I call “fine” for 2 weeks of the month. But when menustration symptoms increase, my emotional responses get amplified. I cry over everything good or bad. Its like estrogen just knocks my whole brain, body & state of mind out of complete wack creating an emotional and depressive that I hate! I cry so much and my eyes become red, swollen, and vision lacks focus and eyes get heavy. The lack of sleep and nightmares increase because of PTSD making the Bipolar worse thru PMS too. I did find through researching a real good beneficial Symptom Control Tracker to help with my Bipolar Daily. This Symptom Control daily journal I have tracks every single day my Sleep, Eat, Exercise, Work, Socializing and Relax.Tracking every day does help except the weeks that PMS settles in. The depression gets so bad that I want to die, cry, and get so consumed in grief of my life that it is exhausting. From bad nightmares, sensitivity in emotions and sleep deprivation increases. I do not want others to feel sorry for me nor do I want pity. I am a survivor of sexual child abuse and a horrific childhood that has rippled in effects of dyfunctions and family separation. I have divorced (as I call it) from the negative influences and negative people of my life with many supportive and creative survivors and those in my immediate life. I do not talk to my family now. Battling with this unstable internal processing that my brain does from everything I see, smell, taste, touch, and sounds I hear – it makes it every day a difficult battle to overcome. I try to keep actions going to keep me out of my own thoughts but even then, I get so tired, exhausted, and sleep deprived it makes it hard to enjoy my daily life or stay focused on accomplishing my Symptom Control book. I am not on any medications. As the years I was taking seizure medications caused adverse side effects making symptoms worse. Dilantin and Keppra made me want to kill myself from their damaging side effects on my psychological and brain chemical instablities. I have trust issues with authorites, medical personnel, all forms of politics and the injustices of the social acceptance that morality has become and has been my whole life. I feel selfish if I don’t help advocate to help survivors of child abuse & help victims of abuse to find their voice. The burdens of my brain are of a creativity and passion to help people and due to my own medical limitations and the vicious cycles of Bipolar – it’s very hard to even care for myself some days. My Work column reflects daily things like cooking, doing dishes, making supper for my family, vaccumming and cleaning house and showering and brushing my teeth. I never wanted to be in a pit low like this where even basic functions of human preservation and taking care of ones self is such a daily battle. Alcohol has never helped eased my symptoms so I don’t drink and I always hated drugs – illegal or prescription – because of my own seizure experiences with medications & watching my mother being addicted to uppers and downers my whole life. It’s hard. Bipolar has claimed the life of a cousin and this disorder is so evident in many of my family members that they prefer to live in denial and not seek help. I try to view things as a positive situation no matter how hard it is on me. I try to view hope and faith in life every second of every day and sometimes, having that energy to make positive actions occur is still hard for me to do. I just wanted to write on this blog as it does offer comfort and support and I thank you. Bipolar is exhausting. Acceptance of Bipolar begins in ourselves and with our battles and struggles, we must stay focused on controlling our symptoms as much as we can, being aware of what these symptoms and having a positive support system that will use words like manic or mania Bipolar to us. There is hardly a day I have ever felt in my life that I wasn’t flying high as a kite or as low as a ton of bricks because of Bipolar. It all makes sense now in all I have done, accomplished and even in being a prior workaholic employee. But never give up on yourself. Never let Bipolar destroy your life ’cause your brain is already struggling to cycle the imbalances. So learn how to control those imbalances as positively as you can and never give up. If we give up on ourself and our own health – then no one can help us, if we do not try to educate and learn for ourself. It’s hard. It won’t be easy. But we are each an individual outside of the medical diagnosis we have to carry in life – we are also human beings too and deserved to be treated as such including to ourself. One thing that helped me the most through this was thinking – “The best mother I can be – is to myself.” Meaning no matter what I go through, I have a right to take care of myself as a mother would her child, even if that mother is my only myself:) Best wishes.

    • Hi Cindy,

      Thanks for your comment. I just wanted to make a comment on the fact that it gets worse with your menstrual cycle as that is not uncommon.

      First, there is a monophasic birth control pill that could help. It delivers a constant amount of hormone to the body rather than one that changes throughout the month.

      Also, I haven’t had my period in years because I have an IUD. Not everyone gets that result, I don’t think, but that could be helpful too.

      Keep in mind that I am not a doctor and I have no science to back up those suggestions. They might just be something you want to talk to your doctor about, though.

      – Natasha Tracy

    • I am very sorry to hear your story. I am not any kind of expert, so please don’t think I am trying to tell you to do something without more research on your part. The bipolar med. that is best for me is [moderated]. I know that it was first desgned for seizures and then discovered to help with bipolar disease. I take other meds as well, but this is my bipolar basic. Again, my suggestion is very amateur. It is simply what came to mind when I read your comments. Very best of luck.

      • Hi Helen,

        I had to take out your medication name. I know you’re trying to help, and I completely respect that, but I really believe that a non-professional should not be recommending a specific treatment. General recommendations are find, but specific drugs just cross that line, in my opinion.

        – Natasha Tracy

          • Hello, Helon Quin
            Just wanted to say I went through hell and would not be here today depression free as I found truth and Doctors destroyed my life as my wife divorced me and I gave up my kids as I had no will to live and was out of my mind in a deep brain fog!
            I lost everything and fought for my life. Now I finally found truth what was killing me. Sad truth is Doctors were never going to save me as I look at my family history and the suicides being treated with drugs and how they destroyed their lives, which does not make any sense how they treat you. It has taken me over 4 years to get myself stabilized and I now am depression free and really know what balance is. If I could give my number out I would help everyone but this site probably won’t allow it. I did the opposite of everything Doctors ever told me. I also had unnecessary surgeries to treat the symptoms which I cannot reverse! If you could only read my Doctor files, I was a nut case!
            So many problems all cured. How can Doctors Kill people and sleep at night? Are they atheists or is it the Money? Being sick suicidal for 4+ years I felt like I have gone to heaven so much pain is gone. No more waking up to another day being sick hoping the nightmare will end. Trust me I almost ended my life.

            Doctors destroyed everything I have ever lived for and my kids will probably fall in my shoes but I can’t even help them because Ex won’t believe in the truth.
            For my Doctors you killed me a long time ago and my goal in life is to pay you back with a nice visit you will never forget!!

            No I am not a Doctor but I know what is killing you and what works. Has the Doctor Death really helped you! Maybe you’re somewhat stable but wait 10 -20 years on your drugs and see how many problems you have then. I know I can just look at what Doctors did to my Father and his marriage.

            The Truth will set you Free.
            Steve

    • Cindy,

      I am a 34 year old female that was diagnosed with epilepsy in 2005 then diagnosed with bipolar disorder in 2006 and just last year in 20011 I was re assessed and they told me that I did not have to take my seizure meds anymore that they were non epeleptic seizures as well. I can understand what you are going through to some degree. I however do take meds for my bipolar and find that the benefits far out weigh the side affects. I do have a rescue drug for my seizure disorder (however am unable to list the name as I am not a professional) It is a daily struggle for me as I was a dedicated worker most would say I was a workaholic. My condition is so debilitating that I am now on disability because I am unable to work it has hurt financially as I had a very good paying position. Now my husband works and I stay home most days in my pj’s and watching tv. and most days can barely get the strength to take a shower or let the dogs out much less make lunch or dinner. I do however believe that if I was not medicated for my bipolar I would not be able to function so I commend you for going thru your days un medicated. You are stronger than me. Best of luck to you!

      Christy

  155. I’m 60 years old. I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on therapy, read a dozen books and tried different recommended therapeutic methods…for depression. None worked. After 10 years of being on a combination of Effexor (then Pristiq), Wellbutrin, and Topamax, my doctor added Lamictal. With major depression-constant depression-making life ugly, I decided why pay for expensive medications that don’t work and began slowly removing them. I don’t know why, when my doctor found out, he raised the Topamax and Lamictal dose to their maximum. That was my first hint of bipolar. He didn’t say why, but after forty years, three months ago, I began researching bipolar illness instead of straight depression. Although my symptoms (Including near bankruptcy) match closely what’s being said on this and other blogs on this website, I still don’t fully believe it. My depression continues but less, somehow I’ve begun eating better and exercising occasionally.

    A continuing issue is fatigue. I’m tired all the time. I often take two naps a day for an hour or so. With two boys to take care of, fatigue, naps, depression etc., I’m burned out. I’m tired to the core. I do a few things that fall into the category of “good father” but not enough to escape guilt.

    From the inside, I don’t feel manic, but somehow I’ve spent myself into oblivion, can’t face paying bills, etc. It appears that I rapidly cycle, daily, and I can have poor judgement of the manic style even while being depressed. I’m a new to the bipolar concept, feeling my way through, no longer trusting professionals. This isn’t the right place for this but, it can take a week for me to write a resume cover letter because when I write it in the morning and re-read it in the afternoon, it’ll seem poorly written so I’ll rewrite it, only to discover in the evening that there are serious errors. The next morning the cycle repeats. By the time I’m “finished”, a week or two later, the cover letter is a mess because it a bad compromise of up and down thinking. Needless to say, with several similar tasks going on simultaneously, I’m not productive. I work hard, often into the evening, including weekends, accomplishing little.
    Jim

    • I too am in my 60’s. I was diagnosed 10 years ago. I can’t say that it gets “better” as it goes along. Once treated and to stay in treatment does make it easier to cope with the ups and downs. It becomes just part of who you are. The ups and downs don’t bug me as much as they use to.

      From experience only it seems as it your depression mixed with poor judgment is a “mixed mood” and that’s part of the bi-polar schemata as well.

      Then as far as your c.v. is concerned. Maybe have someone else take a stab at writing it for you.

  156. I have BPD and no one in my family cares they are too busy with their own problems that they the
    Selves made and now have to live with. They don’t get it that this is a real disease and brush it off. My parents are both twice divorced and screw jobs themselves. They feel fine though since they have have never seen a therapist and so they don’t believe they’re sick too. They refuse to see that they helped me become this way with their ignoring me and not loving me. I hate them and I hate being bipolar. I thank you for your entry, I have wanted to die so many times. If I did- no one would even care or notice so I just stay alive to spite them. I wish I had a caring supportive and emotionally loving family like most people do. If I could only get a tiny bit of sympathy from anyone in my family it would mean so much, but they are cold empty people who do not show their feelings ; if they even have any, which I doubt. They did not respond when I told them about my diagnosis, but why am I surprised? They emotionally and verbally and physically abused me as a kid so why the heck would I expect love now ? I’m so stupid.

  157. This helped me get through a moment I was having. I’m 36 years old and newly diagnosed, although I knew I was bipolar for some time. I’ve been fighting not only this but alcoholism as well and it’s just killing me. I want to give up. Everything in me is just telling me to. I feel like I’ve run out of steam. I’m trying my hardest…therapy groups M-F 5 hours a day. Meds. AA. Everything I can do I’m trying. I’m just so tired.

    • I literally just sent a message to an old friend “I’m too tired of fighting with my own head”. Severe depression, major anxiety including OCD to the point of changing every action ‘just in case’, alcoholism, gambling, prior drug addiction, abuse as a child – all whilst mostly working functionally at different places for 16 years – granted not without fuck-ups but I’ve almost always worked. I function but I DON’T function. I’ve always suspected Bipolar disorder. I’ve spent a collective 10 months in rehab, 1 month in a psych ward.. the more clarity I got from not using drugs or alcohol the more insane I felt.. I’ve hated and had bad responses from most antidepressants and in therapy I seem to have a self awareness and intelligence and I can articulate myself so well that no-one knows how to help me as they think I’m helping myself. I’m not! I think about dying every day.. I think how much easier it would be.. I get scared when I stay at my parents unit and they have a low balcony as I have such an urge to jump off it! But I have a baby sister 20 years younger than me and she is just like me and I don’t ever want her to hurt. I just really really needed to share all this with someone (or everyone in this case) – when I found this page it was almost like a relief – I know there is nothing that anyone can do but it’s good to just communicate and know that people understand for once – thanks for listening

  158. I’ve been fighting Bipolar disorder for about 10 years I’m 39 with 4 kids. I feel like nobody understand my situation I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me I just want then to understand it’s just not something I can get over from one second to the other. I’m going through once of my episosed right now my boyfriend doesn’t know how to handle me. I don’t know how to handle myself so I have no clue what to tell him. I become mean very mean to him verbally agressive and sometimes abusive. I love him he has been the only one there for me when my family has put me a side (it’s been easier that way for them) I just don’t know what to tell him one minute we are planning our lives together the next minute I’m telling him how unhappy I am that I just want to move out I feel like I hate him. An hour later I think about what I said and I realize I didn’t mean what I said to him. But by then I’ve caused damage

    • Sara, I know how you feel because that how I get sometimes. My relationship with my fiance has been hanging by a thread since we got together because of my issues. The ONLY thing that’s helped is I’ve pretty much gave him “full control” over our relationship, he didn’t want it but I feel that if I try to make decisions I screw everything up so he makes them with my ok basically.

  159. Btw, excuse me for my grammatical mistakes. I tend to think faster than I type so it makes me sound like a grade schooler. Also can you take of my last name or blur my username. I don’t know why I put my whole name on there. I’m so stupid. -.-

      • Anybody Live in Lakeville MN with depression problems.
        Wish we could meet > I will wash all your depressions problems away and you will see the beauty of living.

        Happy Easter
        God Bless

  160. Can I just say, my friend was misdiagnosed with bipolar disorder. Her roommate complained that she was moody and a few weeks later, tackled her on the floor and drugged and took her away to a psychiatric clinic. They didn’t allow her to talk or express her feelings because to them , she was someone with bipolar disorder who has a “lack of insight”. I know my bestfriend inside and out. She has as a very Type A personality. When things get out of control she can be a bit emotional but that is just because it is stressful. The time in which they judged and diagnosed her was completely wrong inaccurate. She was just a college freshmen adjusting to a completely new environment and going through the stresses of finals, anyone would be moody during that time. However, they took it as her being bipolar and traumatized her for a good year and a half. They wouldn’t let her attend school and forced her to take meds until they felt that she was “better”. I never forgot the day when she told me what happened and it dreads me to this very day because I feel. Actually, I know I have bipolar disorder. I just don’t want to be in her situation so I’ve been fighting it constantly. When I am experiencing my depressive stages, I try to sleep it away or through. I used to drink but I haven’t been able to due to my living circumstances so I have been eating a lot and finding other ways to distract me from my overly depressive thoughts. I find if I let myself stay and wonder, my depressive mode will take me and sometimes it does and I can’t fight it. When those days come, I pray my hardest, I close my eyes and hope that it passes and I take one day at a time. I was this close during my undergrad to committing suicide, but the minute I felt that feeling I went straight to the counseling office at my school to figure out how to calm down. When they told me that they might have to put me in the hospital until I am no longer a danger to myself, my sense of reason came back and I had to tell myself shutup constantly to keep myself to stay alive. I have managed well. When I am manic stage, I am the most scared because I end up doing some stupid stuff that if I was to look back on it I would be like….what in the hell was I thinking? I am the most annoyed because I can’t help but always feel the need to talk and talk fast and I don’t want to. I just have to. It’s that pressure. It feels so good to be on top of the world at that one moment. To feel so smart and intelligent and there but it sucks a week or two later when you hate yourself and you feel stupid, dumb, and not worthy. I always tell my family that there is two of me and I don’t know which one is the real me or if it is both of them. For the time being, I think it’s both but it’s hard. And I find myself growing really tired. On top of that, I am attending graduate school for my master’s and I know that this will affect my abilities and grades just like it did my undergrad (i was so lucky to have graduated. i dont know how i made it) but the whole process is overly exhausting. The only thing that is pushing me through is my family, fear of losing my grad admission, financial issues, and not wanting to experiencing the same thing my friend did when she was diagnosed (misdiagnosed) for bipolar disorder. I have a voice. I know what I am. I’m highly intelligent so I want to be heard. I don’t need to be talked down to and treated like I have no right to an opinion. I’ve made it this far without them, I don’t need them to strip me of my rights but I have to admit this article spoke to me because finally, I have someone to say what I have been trying to tell my mother all day…i’m so tired from fighting but I have to, in order to keep on living and keep sane, to be amongst my family without having their pity stares, to walk amongst the normal. I have to.

  161. This just made me cry. I’ve had a very bad today, I’ve been angry and I couldn’t figure out what exactly I was angry about. So I got onto Google, typed in “I’m bipolar, why am I so angry today?” and it brought this page up. I read your blog and I started to cry because I realized why I’m so angry. I’m angry at my bipolar disorder! I’m so angry at the things it’s done to my life and the bad decisions that it’s made me make. I’m angry at haven’t to fight this every day of my life. I’m angry and the problems it’s causing with my relationship with my fiance, some of the things that I’ve done because of this disease has made it where we may never get married because he can’t trust me. The bad part is I don’t blame him! This has caused me to hate myself, until today… I’ve realized I don’t hate myself, I hate this disease and what it’s tried to make me become! Thanks for this blog post! It’s so inspiring!

  162. Aloha, im 21 yrs old and recently told my best friend and my boyfriend of 8 months I have bipolar disorder. My best friend was understanding and tried tk tell me to show my boyfriend the bipolar slides how from http://www.webmd.com ” it’s a good lil article” . Well I told my boyfriend and I was bjipar he said he’s be there for me but I don’t think he truely understood what bipolar disorder was . The next day I showed him the article from web md and he said he doesn’t know what to say, personally I’m freaking out caus he’s told me he loves me and I love him too, but I didn’t realize I had his problem till about 2 months ago and I’m . Scared of him being scared of this issue (i am too). We have already told each other how much we love each other but I’m afraid my a anxiety attacks that occur when im trying to exlain my disorder to him , scare him away:(. Any advice? It’s because I care about him am much I think I explain things wrong cause of my nervousness. When we first became a couple he tried so hard to get me and I finally let in and I’m happy I did he’s amazing and he says the same about me . The only thing that we have had an issue over is me not telling him everything that goes on with me . Now I’m starting to and I feel like his is what I’m scared off but at the same time it’s what he wants and it’s bigger than I think he expected.

    • Summer,

      First off, you have an awesome name I am so jealous! Second, I know exactly how you feel. When I first found out I was bipolar I was in a serious relationship at the time and very scared to tell my boyfriend who I at the time wanted to marry. Nobody ever wants to tell their boyfriend or girlfriend that they have an uncontrollable disorder (at times) because those of us who have it such as you and myself and others on the blog are still in the process of trying to accept that we are less than perfect, we think at times that were in a category of freaks because we go through something that nobody else we love or are close with goes through. We feel like the only one. However, I knew how much my ex loved me at the time so I took a shot in the dark, I handed him a brochure that I got about my disorder the day I was diagnosed I poured my heart out and he accepted me with open arms. In my opinion, if someone loves you they love you unconditionally. If you were to have diabetes you would have to tell your loved ones also. Remember, it is not your fault or a fault that you have bipolar disorder and no one in this world is perfect without issues. It would never be fair for someone to judge you for something that you cannot control. Trust in yourself and your boyfriend that he will accept you with open arms and love you just the same. Years later, I was in another relationship and after about 5 months I let him know the truth of my disorder that I didn’t just have anxiety and he was very accepting too. You have to make sure that you are with someone that is always going to build you up and love you even more for what you go through. I noticed in my past relationships that those men were very supportive in what they said to try to make me feel better, however they were never quite sure of what to do to build me up. I feel like my recent ex boyfriend could have offered to go to therapy with me or to even read up on information about my disorder just to show me that he really cares. For people like us, sweet words and being held by our partners are great and supportive but it isn’t enough and that is the reality. I know that I want a mature boyfriend in the future that will be able to take action not just text me sweet things or say im here for you in person. For example, I am on medicine but at times I like to drink alcohol when I shouldn’t, and when I am out having more than 3 drinks it would be nice for my boyfriend to stop me and say, “No, put it down you know that is dangerous please don’t drink like that.” This is what truly mature and caring boyfriends should be doing. I hope everything I am saying helps you. I believe that if your boyfriend truly loves you he will be supportive when you tell him the news.

  163. I feel alone all the time. I am 21, and I have never felt happiness. I have always been depressed with episodes of anxiety in the past. Seen many doctors but none of them have helped me, apart from giving me countless medication. Everyday is a struggle, and if it wasn’t for my Mother I probably wouldn’t be writing this. If the doctors don’t help me then how am I supposed to help myself when I don’t know why I have always been depressed? I have periods where I can at least try to live my life, for example, dating a girl. But I can’t make it work because of my depression. Everyday is exhausting and I don’t want to live this life on this earth.

  164. I am so very thankful to have found this site today. Today wass one of those days where giving up seemed like the only viable option to stop the pain. I am 35 years old and right now I am determined to find the right combination to help with this madness that I have suffered with for so damn long. To everyone who lives, or really is just existing with this illness as I am, I love you all dearly and understand to the core how you are feeling. Please do not give up. We are not alone and there is always hope.

  165. Hi,
    my name is Nichole I am 24years old and currently struggling with bipolar disorder I have had some difficult situations arise in the last few months and because of that it has thrown me in a state of depression. I am a single mom of a beautiful little boy, and I’m afraid that my depression is interfering with my ability to raise my son. I feel alone and I feel like my family does not understand what I have to deal with on a day to day basis. I have tried to find support groups in the area I live in but can’t seem to find any results need some advise

  166. These voices teach falsely in my head,
    They tease, they scare, and they preach my danger
    They imprison my spirit, they want me dead
    They want me to remain to me a stranger.

    In the hurt of living in such a wonderful time
    In such a wonderful season
    But not embracing life for no just reason
    Remember, by day, those voices lie,
    Persistent, by night, noisy to keep you awake,
    But the truth remains the choices you make
    Whether your life is worth a try.

    Stay with me, dear child
    It kills to be alone in this,
    Dark clouds threaten every thunderstorm’s release
    Stay with me, dear child
    Wipe the limitations off your cheeks,
    I understand every step of your struggle
    Keep the penknife off your wrists
    Write your story and give it a meaning too
    I love you dear child, life is beautiful

  167. its Christmas day and i still feel horrible i had my bipolar disorder sence i was 16 now im 22 and still feel bad i feel like i can’t take it no more plus my parents died when i was young so my siblings don’t know how to live with it i try to tell them stuff but they won’t listen i dieing feels like the only way out they don’t belive in stuff like that i need to get out………i don’t know what to do

    • I so feel your desparation and want you to know, to believe we are here to help each other when the depth of darkness deceives you into thinking there is no way you will feel hope again. That is simply a lie. Hope dwells in our souls and is always eager to help us take at least one step more. You never know where that step will lead you.

      I foolishly lost control of my anger and hopelessness for a moment lastweek that could have ended my life. I was very depressed and my boyfriend dismissed my feeling which led me to feel ashamed and inadequate or just plain crazy and not worth the effort for someone to give me compassion when I was desparate for it. So, first I cut my left wrist but I was notsatisfied with that. Self-hatred took over and being left-hand Iknew I could do more damageon my right wrist. Got a little carried away and bled profusely before apply pressure with a towel and by myself, hoppig around the bedroom crying, “whatdid I do?!” Anyyway, it was pretty deep and I should have had stitches but no way was I going to the hospital with that. So now I am left with a 3″ long, wide ugly reminder that Ilet someone elses’s ignorance compel me to carve into my body to prove how much pain I can feel. He is horrified by my healing but rather impressive wound. Did I accomplish anything thatwill benefit me? I know I cannot continue being with someone who does not respect the depth of my pain and only makes me feel worse for losing control. Seriously, I would love for myself, my son, and my wonderful dogs to live on our own again. I am always better on my own being the strong-minded, self-reliant person I was until I crashed a couple of years ago. After 6 years of agoraphobia I went out and got preganant, broke up with myboyfriend, went back to school, got a job that I wanted at mental health and raised my son alone for 4 years. Never asked for help,didn’tdate.

      I am sorry for getting carried away here. My intention was to try and help you believe that you never know of the amazing healing, friendships, self- satisfaction that will present itself when you least expect it if you give up. You took a big step by reaching out. Your strength has nothing to due with other people’s opinions it comes from inside. Maybe what you are going through will bring you to places you didn’t know you needed to go to. Please don’tgive up. And keep reaching out to people who understand. We all who suffer from mental illness have so much to give to the next in line. You will be in my thoughts.

    • Hi Christian,
      First & foremost – you are not alone. You are now amongst those who know & understand exactly what you are going through. We have different ‘songs’ with the same ‘tune’. Some days we dance as if nothing can stop us, other days we are ‘too tired to do THIS any longer’. We get it. You are now amongst friends, no longer alone.

      I am so sorry to hear about your parents. I lost my Mum 15 years ago & Christmas is still on of the most difficult times of the year.

      My family, Dad & 2 sisters are thankfully bvery supportive. It is however not easy to live & cope with me & my bipolar. They, even as informed & supportive as they are sometimes struggle. Every single person has some kind of cross to bear – sometimes we struggle to cope with all of it. After all, we are only human ;)

      Do you have a close friend that can support you? Start there.

      Have you tried therapy? There are so many options for us out there these days. Read through Natasha’s blogs – great information.

      Most importantly – hold on. You are never alone!

      Take care.

  168. Hi,

    I’m somehow glad but sad that some of us are in same situation. thank you, it feels I’m not alone even this just making me a little comfort.

    Thank you for this post.

  169. Thank you SO much for this! I really needed to hear that I’m not alone, and that it is ok to be sick and tired of all the screaming in my head to just friekin die and be done!

  170. Yes I thought I was alone, I am constantly telling others and myself “I JUST EXUASTED!!!”all the time! Seems the older I get the more my illness shows it self! Thank you for even just a moment I didn’t feel alone!

  171. Hi, I am 61 and have been dealing with Bipolar disorder all my life. I found the teens and twenties to be the hardest time to get through. By my 30s I’d learned how to manage it more effectively . My life hasn’t been normal( whatever that means) but it has been full and rich. It can get much better. Hang in there. I have managed to have much joy in my life and am in a fairly peaceful state of mind. Our lives are crazy roller coasters , but they don’t have to be tragic. Hang in there and love to you all. You are brave and stronger than you know.

  172. It’s a waste of time to keep fighting. I’m 31 and have been fighting the disease for 27 years and I don’t see any relief in sight. Smh ):

  173. It’s a waste of time to keep fighting. I’m 31 and have been fighting the disease for 27 and I don’t see any relief in sight. Smh ):

  174. Reading this article just helped me so much! My names Jessica I’ve been battling bipolar since 2000 officially diagnosed then. On and off every medication there is for BP. I was diagnosed when I was just 10. I’m now 21. Every day is a struggle to even get through. Lately it’s been so much harder. I can’t find the urge to even care if I get out of bed and work, I moved away from my family when I was 18. That seemed to help me a little. Last December while home visiting for Christmas, something triggered my bipolar to return and it’s been back stronger then ever since! I was living medicine free since 19 up until march this year. It’s been so hard on both my life an my boyfriend life of 2 years. He doesn’t get it, but he deals with it. I flip out of no where and go into my manic state. Usually starting out in anger then ending in uncontrollable crying for feeling like such a dumba** And guilty that ivr allowed myself to act this way after time and time promising it would be the last. in reality while i promise this, i know i have zero control if BP decides to act up then. I’ve begun to question his love for me and recently accusing him of just being with me because he feels bad. Even accusing him of cheating. I’ve realized I’m obsessive over him. I know all these signs are notice to myself that in having an episode. But this has been a year almost with maybe a good day once a week. I feel so lost and alone. I can’t trust anyone it feels like because its true, no one even comes close to understanding the pain and struggle of just an ordinary task is and how hard it is. Something so simple as spilling milk. Giving up hasn’t been an option yet I thank god daily that even though I’m dealing with this and feel like no one understands, I do have people supporting me and who accept me for who I am because I’m not always that person filled with sadness or always angry. My friends and family know the real me and that’s why they stick by because they love her!

  175. My name is Ameena, I was just diagnosed with BP last august and its a very painful process for me and my family and the people around me.
    since I was young I knew I was Bipolar but managed to hide this fact from my parents, last August I was manic and the people around me noticed that something is different.
    am being medicated for the last three months with no significant improvement.
    I want to scream that am tired, I’ve been hiding my emotions for 24 years, and I have been fighting the voices in my head for too long!

    I would like to thank you for your article,

  176. I’m 49, I was diagnosed as bipolar in the early 1990’as, and I haven’t held a steady job since 1998. My mind is always thinking of new ways to torment me.

    I just took a long swim during a rainstorm, wishing and daring lightening to light up the sky, electrocute me and resolve all of my struggles at once.

    I had a happy thought this afternoon. After three more decades of this, I’ll be as old as my father was when he died, and then I’ll die to and get some relief. It’s only another thirty years!

    • Hold the phone Francis. I cannot even comprehend the pain you are in or even get a glimpse of what’s going on in your head but you’ve got to push through this one, some, more. You’ve got to keep going. You don’t “have to’ obviously but it’s the “what if” factor comes into play. What if the answer to one of your problems is solved tomorrow? I’m not saying it will be solved tomorrow, but there is hope. I know you don’t think you can go on any more but using that personally before, that night I just swore up a storm to my Higher Power and went to bed with some hope and woke up to another bloody day or maybe just a twitch of a better day. Hope exists. I’m still here. You’ve got to put your focus on something. What if perhaps you are the one who comes up with the solution with one of the things your are suffering from? I know without a shadow of doubt in this being that each individual person has something that they have been called to do that no one else can do in this life. No replacements have been set up to make sure your contribution is made. YOU ARE NEEDED! I need you. I’m not just saying this to make you have a better day or change your mind. Humor the idea. A focus. Something you would like to obtain, attain distract. Something positive though. Even if it’s just making sure you are sleeping with a comfortable pillow or blanket every night is a focus. Or a Coke or Pepsi. Just one focus.
      Tell me what you think.

      Namaste (My soul acknowledges the beauty and divinity in your soul)
      Zeny

  177. I hear what you are saying in your article. Nice that you are able to sugar coat such a nefarious topic. However, I am just too tired to even care at this point. I am tired of the medication changes and the horrid side effects and erratic cycling they cause. I am tired of hearing that I am better than I was before – when the only thing that has changed is the medication I am on so that now I am not in a stupor. I have tried them all. Now I am “just” having that “pesky cycling”. I am tired of changing personalities every three hours or twice a day or every day. I am tired of the sinister nature of this disorder – just when I think I am having a good “normal” day, it slithers and seeps into my mind like poison and I can’t make it go away without more medicine that puts me into a stupor. I am tired of the demoralization of not being able to hold a job. I am tired of being a pariah to my my family and “friends”. I am tired of psychologists that think my bipolar is a personality issue they can treat with behavior theory. I am tired of this. period.

    • That’s because psychiatry is not accurate. Do you really have bipolar? Maybe you were misdiagnosed. It is a FACT that psychiatric medications alter your brain… NOT IN A GOOD WAY either. If anyone denies this, then they are IGNORANT. It’s like stating that smoking is healthy for you. In reality, it’s slowly killing you. Same with with psychiatric drugs. Therapy, schmerapy. blah blah blah. Waste of time. Waste of money.

      You can go to 10 psychiatrists. EACH ONE OF THEM will diagnose you with a different disorder. Know why? Because there are no physical tests to CONFIRM that you have a specific “disorder”.

      Frankly, I don’t care how many lives psychiatry has saved. Maybe it does, but don’t lie to me and say it doesn’t destroy some people’s lives at the same time. Whatever. I’m done with this field.

      No offense, but I don’t know why someone would write a blog about mental illness and supporting psychiatrists who label people with bipolar and depression. People who are malnourished, who are poor, and have no access to whatever a human needs to live are probably in worse condition than these people who are diagnosed with bipolar. Maybe they ARE bipolar… but you don’t see them being diagnosed with anything BECAUSE THERE ISN”T ANYONE TO DIAGNOSE THEM with anything. All I see is whining, and complaining. Is this what all bipolar and depressed people do? Heck I know quite a few people with cancer and they don’t complain THIS MUCH AT ALL. Whatever, there are “crazy” people in this world. And I don’t mean by mentally ill.

      • In any case, psychiatry is relatively in its infancy. We still have a lot more to learn about the brain. While I do think a lot of people are being misdiagnosed, I do think there are some people that do need psychiatric help, for whatever reason. Again, the brain is an extremely complex organ.

    • Dear Albert,
      I’m so sorry that you are tired. You have every right to be tired. You have every right to voice your pain and your story. “Playing the Game” gets old real fast. If someone were to tell me back in the day (which wasn’t very long ago) that things would get better, I’d punch them in the face and tell them they didn’t have a clue. I cannot tell you I know how you feel, but I validate your feelings. One thing you could give yourself props on is being wicked smart. I needed to look up some of the words you used because I didn’t know what they meant. I’m not stupid, pretty bright, but you my friend have a gift in the vocabulary department, possibly the writing department. Do you journal? I started keeping an online/email journal, contributing to it after every mood change, trying to pinpoint triggers, keeping notes to help me remember what was going on. I’d email each entry to myself. Being tired. You think you have something figured out for like maybe 1 minute, drugs are working, there is hope and then “Bipolar rears it’s ugly head” and shoots down your hope and you take a step back which reinforces you will never get better. It is a viscous cycle. It’s real. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t or you are just imagining things. Can I tell you that you are amazing that you drag yourself out of bed and “play ball”? There were too many days I couldn’t even do that. I would literally rot. You are a fighter. You wrote an entry on this blog which takes energy that you don’t necessarily have to give. I’m not going to lie. It could take a while to figure out your personal brain puzzle. I know you are tired. Tired of pariahs. Tired of demoralization of not being able to hold a job. It hurts not just mentally but physically. But I promise you that it will turn. I don’t know when. I don’t know how. I don’t know why. But it will turn. Keep fighting. Even at the point I’m in right now, I can’t hold down a job either and the family/friend pariahs are pushing me down roads I don’t want to go down. I’m pushing back but when you are sick it’s hard to push. Can you journal? About the meds you are on? About each mood change you have and when you have it? I know this is tiring in itself but it’s like spitting the disease in the face because you are getting a one-up on it. YOU CAN DO THIS! Let me know what you think and thanks for letting me comment on your comment. It’s an honor.

      Zeny

    • Albert: If nobody else “gets it”, I do. Strange that you used the word demoralization; I used it for the first time today referring to myself. I agree with being tired both mentally and physically; more than tired…..just exhausted. The cycling, the lies my head tells me, the awful course my life has taken this past ten years. I had a very successful business with locations in 3 CA cities, a beautiful home in the CA desert next to the mountains. I had financial security for two lifetimes, I was honored in my community, had tons of friends, a family (not so great but one nevertheless) and on and on. Three years of manic cycling, compulsive gambling daily and never even bothering to care about the losses. It didn’t matter. Over 500K but who gave a crap? One day I woke up and in a manic state I sold my house for a song, all of my possessions, bought a new car with only 15K miles on the current new car and took off with my dog. From one state to the next…faster and faster. A pocket full of credit cards and feeling like Mark Zuckerberg. Now, long story short, I am totally alone. I kept going until it was all gone. It took two years and it was a heck of a ride (I think) but now I have to pay the piper. That is the cost of cycling. Then the black hole depression for 2 years. You know the drill. Now I have absolutely nothing left materially and not one friend or family relationship in the world. I live in a budget hotel with my dog. I tell nobody about bipolar and nobody (I think) ever suspects. I only have “ten minute” friendshiips…you know…the people at Starbucks, etc., They all think I’m a great guy, encouraging, helpful, etc. Then I leave them and come back to the madness. Another movie. For some odd reason, I am always happy. In fact the owners of this hotel have a name for me in their native tongue: “Uncle Always Smiling”. Nice. Yesterday was just another Christmas for me and my dog. Alone but not lonely. For the last 3 months my cell phone has had less than 10 minutes of usage. I was in a psych clinic three times last year and the crowning blow was my car repossessed while away. Now I am stuck. I left CA in a manic state after 25 years there and came to TX and it has been a nightmare. I hate this place and I am trying to get to Florida but for 3 years I have been immobilized and although my whole career was solving problems for clients I cannot solve this simple problem. My head is a 24 hour movie channel and I have no choice of what is playing. It is usually a movie about regrets….my life, my past, my missed opportunities, my, oh, well, you get it, Albert. I’m with you brother. It’s so tough and unpredictable. I just want peace in my life; not money, not “stuff” not love but just peace. Peace in my life and most of all in my head. The struggle to survive on a daily basis is overwhelming. I sleep so much to avoid everything. My once incredible life of success, people, honor, joy, love and more is such a distant memory. I have never posted on any blog……ever. Your post touched my psyche. Thanks for taking away any thought of me being terminally unique. Howard

    • Albert: I replied to you post earlier (December 26th) My first post. I found this “little story” I wrote for myself a couple of years ago. I just made Bipolar a person. A very evil and destructive being. It was not written for anybody but myself. I have great difficulty talking about this. It has destroyed my life, every and I mean every relationship with friends, family, etc as well as my financial security and I am no longer young. Too many med’s that did not work. One time I was on 6 med’s at one time. My mind was to in turmoil I could not function. At the same time I was taking and abusing Xanax. I got what I could from 2 doctors and the rest I purchased from a pharmacia in Mexico from a Mexican doctor I met. I drove to Mexico to establish this relationship and it became so dysfunctional. A $2.50 (Blue Cross co-pay) was $200 and I had him as an a payee on my B of A account and would order 400 pills at a time. I always say I never tried suicide but sometimes when depression was so impossible I took as many as 12 pills to sleep. Bipolar, right. My head is so messed up but I somehow keep going. I think having a high energy, wonderful Border Collie forces me to go outside most days. She is my only contact with a beating heart and I cannot imagine life without her. [moderated] Good luck to you and to me on this awful journey that, on some days, carries a great deal of hope. I just tried uploading it with no success. Perhaps somebody can tell me if this is possible or not. It was worth a try. My former best friend who has Asberger’s and is now in a think tank at Harvard thought with editing it could be published to help others but I never followed through and I have since lost his friendship which was the final blow to any support I had. Howard

      Moderator: Sorry, I don’t generally allow email addresses to be posted in comments.

  178. We had to change insurance due to a job change and I’m too tired to fight the new system to get adequate psychiatric care. My old psychiatrist spoke with my new PCP and assisted her with getting a prescription started to help with bipolar depression with dreams of death. The new HMO found out and now my PCP is in trouble for not following policy. Physicians cannot co-manage a patient with outside providers. The outside provider has been my psychiatrist for seven years. What am I left with? An appointment in two and a half weeks with someone (by phone) who does an “intake” whatever and then decides if I’m allowed to see a psyciatrist. I felt so angry I cancelled that. I’m tired and shame on them.

    • Hi Randi,
      I know the anger that you are describing here. I have beat my head against the brick wall of beaurocracy for many years.

      The only result is that I have a pain in the head.

      Now I have developed a kind of switched-off mode of operation, imagining that I am a robot going through the motions, telling myself to be patient and not to get angry. It works sometimes, and sometimes I even get to the main point, eventually.

      If this is your only option it might be worth persisting through this dehumanising process because you might get to a human being in the end.

    • Hi Randi,

      I can understand you being angry and I don’t blame you one bit. An old saying comes to mind though – don’t cut off your nose to spite your face. In other words, don’t hurt yourself just because you’re angry with the system. The system won’t feel it, but you will.

      I have been at odds with “the system” several times and all I can tell you is to work within it as best you can. Fight for what’s right and what’s yours. You deserve it.

      – Natasha Tracy

  179. I am treatment resistant. I hate this disease with every inch of my being. Yup, I am Bipolar, 42 years old. Been on meds for as long as I can remember. See my Psychiatrist every 6 months or when I can’t cope (which have become a regular occurrence the last 10 years). Amended meds, tried therapy, considered suicide. Have a younger Sister who is also diagnosed with depression, after 2 failed suicide attempts as teenager received ECT and therapy: doing very well, accept of course that she is dying of Multiple Schlerosis now (beautiful life – sic). I am no longer able to function ‘normally’ as a human being, neither in my work environment nor in my private life. Nope, not in a dark abyss at the moment.
    Was diagnosed with Bipolar 11, definitely on my way to 1 rapidly. Never married – oh many excuses but reality, I AM THIS DISEASE. This is no life, not for me nor for your loved one’s. The impact of your high & lows are enormous on those closest to you. Notwithstanding my own utter fatigue in dealing with this shit, my family (Dad & 2 Sisters), seeing the fear, pain, uncertainty that they go through daily. Not fair! So I decide, last option 6 ECT’s. Result: of coursen, severe 2 week cognitive dysfunction & memory loss AND then 2 weeks, in fact the only 2 weeks of pure joy & happiness ever experienced for both myself and my family. I will never forget the true blessing in their eyes. And then it went downhill – in a way I have never, ever before experienced.
    Couldn’t fuckin believe it. It did not work. So, it meant maintenance ECT once a month. No guarantees, no idea what cognitive dysfuntion impact and memory loss will be. Will probably take me 2-3 days a month away from work. No, I have never disclosed. In South Africa, and my profession, the discrimination is rife.
    Just how do you practically live life like this? No guarantees?!

    I AM BEYOND TIRED.

    • Hi Rencia,

      I’m so sorry to hear about your journey and the journey of your sister. I’m not you so I can’t say I know what it’s like to be you, but I can tell you I’ve been in a similar place. I know what’s it’s like to be freakin’ exhausted. I know what it’s like to be worn out by a disease you hate with every fibre.

      It sounds to me like you need a treatment change. I know, you’re thinking that was obvious. And maybe you’re thinking there is nothing possible for you. But this isn’t true. A new cocktail, a new medication, an additional medication, can make all the difference in the world. It happened to me after I thought I had tried _everything_. It _can_ happen.

      I will make a remark about your ECT treatment. Treatment is normally 9-12 sessions, not 6, so that’s a little odd, and it is normal to have it be temporary but the idea is that it lift you from where you are to give medications a chance to work. And, as you said, maintenance ECT is an option. I know that’s a scary option but I can tell you that some people make that work, but, of course, only you know if it’s right for you.

      And, I’m sorry to say, there are no guarantees in anyone’s life. True, this may be especially notable in our lives but it’s true for everyone.

      If I might make a suggestion: right now there is a neuroscientist who is offering a great deal. She will review your history and current status and give you consulting to try and straighten out what might be the next step for you for only $15. Please take her up on this: http://natashatracy.com/treatment-issues/diagnosis/meet-neuroscientist-healthcare-opinion/

      I can’t promise she will find the answer, but a second opinion is never a bad thing to have.

      Good luck.

      – Natasha Tracy

  180. I’m 41, diagnosed bipolar II at 15 and then bipolar I last month. Last month – huh??? Lost my bipolar brother two years ago to suicide. A year or so prior to that, my moods became unstable (again) and I’ve gone through the entire process that our Neanderthal psychiatrists call “treatment” (again). Thanks to the medications that were “trialled,” I’ve gained 60 pounds. Five years ago, I was two thirds the weight I am now.

    I have a leadership position in an establishment that requires equanimity (ironically) and I cannot slow my brain down to 75 miles per hour OR I can’t speak articulately because of all of the lithium in my system OR it takes everything I have to “put out a little fire.” I’m an intelligent human being with lots to offer, but thanks to the “fog” of all of the medications, I feel like an imbecile half of the time.

    Excuse my language and bleep me if you want to, but I am FUCKING tired of being bipolar. If it weren’t for my commitment to my partner (we’ve been together almost 18 years now), I would be in a lovely little urn on someone’s mantel.

    I’M EXHAUSTED. My pro’s are so much more compelling than my con’s. But, in my con’s, I find my partner (who by the way is snoring right next to me at this very moment).

    I TRULY respect the work that is being done here by the moderator and by those who are invested in recovery, growth and understanding, but, right now, I don’t give a shit. I’M EXHAUSTED (AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) and it pisses me off to hear positives when I don’t see or feel any.

    Yes, yes, yes – I know that I should be thankful for my life. I do know this and, frankly, I am. But, does that mean that I have to continue dealing wit a disease for which there is no cure, little understanding, subpar care (thanks to both inadequate psychiatrists and a medical field that has only begun to FIND the surface of the various mental illnesses) and mood swings that can be debilitating?

    Does it? Really? No “pep” talks, please. And, don’t just “give me a ‘yes'”; keep it real. I gave myself a week to recommit to my life.

    • Hi Cheri,

      I’m sorry you’re in this place right now. I know where you are. I have been there. I know what relapse is like. Most of us do. And most of us have wanted to give up at one time or another. I think it’s normal to say fuck this. I think it’s normal to be angry. I think it’s normal to acknowledge that you deserve a better life.

      I think everything you’ve said is typical of someone in your situation – and make no mistake about it, many people are.

      What I want to say to you is this – bipolar is a moving target. While it seems like the pain never ends, that’s actually not true. The pain actually changes. Sometimes it’s better than others. Really. But it doesn’t feel like that when you’re at the bottom of the well. I know that.

      But life changes and the disease changes spontaneously. You don’t know what’s coming tomorrow. That wonderful partner you have came along and who knows what other things might come alone too.

      No, this isn’t a pep talk – this is a reality talk.

      I also recommend you read what I wrote on this subject here: http://natashatracy.com/mental-illness/depression/continue-fight-pain-depression/

      I hope you do recommit to life because none of us want to see you quit. I understand the bone-aching fatigue, but I also understand the need to keep going, just one breath at a time.

      – Natasha Tracy

  181. Natasha,
    I have begun many responses to different topics the last few days but my words didn’t express what I really wanted to say. I still don’t know what I wanted to say. So here I am tonight seething from family B.S. It is funny that I am the youngest of five but I am also the one to put the truth out there. Big surprise, I am the mouthy one. My older sister does not approve of my love to go deep, she gets scared. So appropriate and seems to think that, like, duh, isn’t that the rule. I used to to need her approval. Gave up on my parent’s a long time ago. Well since they have dead for years, obviously it is time to let go of the determination that there would be something I could do that would dazzle them. They would brag about me and that thing I did forever. Do I sound like I am channeling the five year old, I have been thinking about her a lot. I admire her for being strong and brave through the times when she heard bits of conversation from her parents about her brother threatening to do scary things to us. But just yesterday i got to baskein the silliness of that tall, thin boy so playfully chased me around the yard. The next time I ran from him would I be laughing again or screaming out of terror?
    Yes, I know I just went out on a tangent. Well, I never claimed I am not crazy. I am just very confused. I don’t know who I am anymore because I am pushing people away left and right and scared and depressed of and on all day. Then I had to go and watch that biographical movie about her. Again. Good thing we don’t have a gas oven. Just my sick humor.
    Laurie

    • Hi Laurie,

      I admit that I’m not quite sure what you’re saying. It seems like you’re a bit unsure yourself. I just wanted to say that you might want to see a therapist about how you’re feeling right now. We all get mixed up sometimes and we often need to talk to an impartial person to work it out.

      I hope things get more clear for you.

      – Natasha Tracy

  182. I am at my end. I have tried ecerything from meds to religion. My loved ones dont understand. I smile on outside but inside I am dying

    • Hi Christi,

      I’m sorry to hear you’re in that state. _I_have_been_there_. Believe me. I have been in absolutely despair after trying everything and no knowing what to do. I have sat in front of a therapist and doctor begging for them to do anything to help me.

      You’re not alone.

      And I know it’s hard to believe, but things got better. Miracle cures presented themselves. How? Well, I tried new things, new combinations, old combinations, ECT, VNS, until I came across something that worked.

      Try to hand on. I know what it’s like to feel like you can’t, but you can. Try to remember that the illness does change. It might not feel like it, but it does.

      – Natasha Tracy

      (I do personalized coaching for a fee, you can contact me here if you’re interested: http://natashatracy.com/about-natasha-tracy/contact-natasha-tracy/ )

    • Christi,
      I feel the exact same way, however during my depressive episodes it literally feels impossible to smile. I feel like I’m not the same person I used to be. My depressive episodes are so close together and are uncontrollable where I have no idea an episode is coming on and once it starts it really starts and I’m at such a low I cannot drag myself out of it without a pill and that sounds awful, however it is true for me. I feel as though I never know who I am anymore and that makes me feel like I’m dying, like I’ve lost myself and I have no idea where that person went. I am so uncomfortable in my own skin lately that its scary and I am also uncomfortably numb. I feel like I am so stuck in quicksand. Its like you depend so much on your doctors and you think one minute you feel great because your medication is working and all of a sudden you drop. Are you experiencing similar things?

      • Victoria hey,
        that is so true. U forget who you are. I am a complete opposite from My maniac state to depressive state. Either it is all happy, people want to be aroung me because of all the positive vibes and all the positive things I am saying or everyone wants to run away in a opposite direction, they cannot bear to be anywhere around me. So if you ask me to describe myself I have no clue who I am. Ontop of that I don’t know how people have learnt to disguise what they are feeling inside because for me that’s hell of a task. In my depressive states I look as if a very close one has died, so I just avaoid going near people which then makes it even worse because then they think that you are avoiding them.this is the most sickning disease as head to toe you appear normal but inside your head , there is a cruel game of chess taking place and the devil is winning. Really I bow down to people who have handled this and learnt to move forward .because I sure have given up. But we live in such a world that the moment you decide you do not want to do anything for your self, you become other roles headache. I don’t understand when I did not choose to be born then why I have to live this wretched life.

  183. Natasha and All,
    I seemed determined tonight to give into sad seduction of suicide. Time to surrender. It was so grcious of me to not think twice about sharing the drama with my 17 yr old son and my ex, maybe recycled boyfriend. That is so selfish and not the first time. Maybe my original truly suicdal intention and mood (ultra-rapid cycles) were fading but my Pure O OCD stuff kicked and would not let up. When that process is determined and I can’t stop and get until a disraction occurs. My distraction tonight, thank you Natasha, was coming on the site. These last two weeks I have clung to the thought, which is emphasixed here thay we are not alone
    I have driven away people close to me, but I don’t even miss them. Okay, maybe a couple that put up with me. I’m intense and one minute silly and fun to play with, but one word or the wrong look and I overreact and embarass myself. IThere is always thught screaming at myself, shut the hell up, you are not that freaklosing it right now.
    I made myself not keep self-desructing by crazy behavior and came here where my people are
    Rich, the wisdom of your observation made me think of things that I want to accomplish. Like the book I am writing about my son which thank’s again to Natasha encouraged me and gave me confidence to put my “voice” out there.
    There are several sites that address mental illness and the B.S. “empath” (not even a word) but this one is the best for many reasons that every that we all appreciate.

    • Hi Laurie,

      I’m really sorry you got to that low place – I know what that feels like and it’s no fun, but I’m honoured if I could help get you out of it. Sometimes the right words just click with us at the right moment and I’m honoured to be those words for you.

      Thank-you for sharing your struggle with us. I know others appreciate it as do I.

      – Natasha Tracy

      • Natasha,
        Thank you for the kind and encouraging response to my post. When I read my post and all of the errors on it I got stuck for a while. Since I am not blind and am literate (now question that) I was horrified and humbled, once again. I left out whole words, chopped up sentences, and misspelled. And in the message I have the audacity to proudly state that I am writing a book. If you are delusional you are not aware of being delusional because you are delusional. Right? Great. Add that to the list. And I wonder why people don’t stick around for long. I present like one of the normals at first and just throw in a reference here and there to a little bit of insanity in the genes. Then I bring out the big guns like my grandmother an intelligent, charming with three daughters and a philanderiing husband apparently lost it in her mid-thirties and was committed to an insane asylum. Agnews Insane Asylum, proudly known for the treatment that will take all your problems away (and a portion of your brain) the lobotomy. Over 3,000 performed by a sadistic, yet innovative doctor before someone called him on the brutality of this procedure. Unfortunately my mother quit visiting her mother after the conversations became a little one-sided. From research I’m gathering, I found she ended up at a rest home and one day escaped. Before her sudden departure, she was heard screaming that she was going to find her daughters. She ultimately did escape. She was later found dead in a nearby field. This info was in a newspaper article. She came from a prominent San Francisco family and even after the lobotomy was described as intelligent and witty. You go Grandma, a rebel till the end. I would give up a limb to be the one to have relieved what had to be a lonely, unforgiving existence.

  184. I am struggeling to find a reason to “fight” anymore. My Family has given up and thrown me away, after telling me they understood, loved me, and would always be here for me! I suffer with bipolar, major depression, and boarderline personality disorder and I am completely alone.

    • Hi Bobbi,
      You are not alone and you have reached out to the right place. We are all stuggling with some sort of mental illness here. I have bipolar disorder, OCD, ADD and PTSD. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have Natasha’s site to vent.
      I hear that things are really rough for you right now but it will get better. You really must try and hang in there. Find comfort in knowing that your really are NOT alone and we are listening. If you need to talk more just post and I will respond.
      Sincerely,
      Patricia

    • You are worth the battle, you are important to so many out there reading this wishing they had the courage to reach out to others like you have. You are a hero and there is a sun at the end o the tunnel.

      Sean Morrison

      Heroes in Recovery Advocate

      @simplyeasylivin

      • I like what you wrote. No matter how hard it seems to keep going, there is always a light at the end of the tunnel even when you feel like your so far from that light, just keep breathing, keep going. Everyone was point on this Earth for a reason. Having a disorder may at times feel like life isn’t worth the fight but it is, everyone deserves the chance to live a healthy life.

    • Hi Bobbi,

      Patricia said it, you are not alone. How do I know this? Because there are people struggling, just like you, every day just to keep on breathing. I hear from them. They are having a really hard time. They are right there with you. Fighting for each moment.

      I’m sorry you’ve had an upset with your family. Families are hard for everyone and certainly this is true for people with a mental illness. You haven’t given me details, but I can only say that sometimes people need a break. This rift may not be forever, and it may even be that you’re seeing more darkness than is there due to the depression. Keep the door open. If these people once supported you, they may again.

      But regardless, there are others that you can reach out to too. You have done it here, which is great, but there are local groups wherever you live that can help you too. Try the Depression Bipolar Support Alliance or NAMI. Or try an online support group. There are many people out there who want to help you.

      And please read this: http://natashatracy.com/mental-illness/depression/continue-fight-pain-depression/

      And if you’re feeling alone and without the strength to fight right now, then call in the reinforcements on the phone: http://natashatracy.com/get-mental-illness-help/

      In short, things may look bad, and I understand that – they have looked very bad for many people – but this is not the end. It’s a really painful middle. It’s not the end. You can get better. Life will not always be like this. I promise.

      – Natasha Tracy

    • Hi Bobbi. It looks like you have come to the right place for support and words of validation. I have Bipolar disorder and have been fighting the battle for many years. There are times when I feel that I am losing myself to the illness but when I can see things clearly, as they really are, I can breathe again. I think it is critical to understand that you are not alone. I do think it is interesting how in depression you can be surrounded by people and still feel totally alone. Isn’t that odd? I have found that there are times when the only ones who can help are those who live the illness themselves. You know that they get it. When people who don’t suffer try to give me advice, it’s all I can do to not slap them. Thankfully I haven’t given in to that urge up to this point. ; ) It is good for you to reach out. We have all been there and we all understand your pain and loneliness. Hang on. You can do it. My two favorite words are breathe and believe. It is hard to survive without either one. Believe that there are people who care, who can listen, and who can validate your pain, every single ounce of it. You are not alone. Love and understanding to you, from fellow sufferer.

      • I am a 62 yr. old woman who found I have bi-polar the hard way. I went into complete psychosis 7 months ago walking naked in my neighborhood trying to get into my neighbors’ houses. I ended up being picked up by the police thank God before I went too far away from home. My poor husband was looking for me 5:00 a.m. He is a retired fire fighter and called a hospital nearby. The poice had delivered me to the emergency room and then was admitted to a psychiatric facility where they stabilized me out of the psychosis. After the break I am now depressed. I have been put on Lamictal, Klonopin and Rispiridal and Prozac. I actually take the generic drugs for these but remember the others easily. I was gradually put on 100 mg. of Lamictal and was so anxiety ridden I begged the psychiatrist to let me decrease to the lowest dose of 25 mg. I was just as depressed on 100 mg. but really thought I was dying and didn’t care. I take 25 mg. of Rispiridal also which was intially at a higher doese. I have believe it or not had some good days. Notably my best days are when they are full of enjoyable things to do. I of course want to isolate because of depression but my husband gets me out each morning for a walk. Bless him. I would be so lost without him. I know this disease must wear him down but he has been so kind to me. I was happy to read your note because it made me feel as if there is some hope whereas most of the notes I have read understandably so people have wanted to quit. I get that. I really am there so many times; sometimes times per day sometimes all day. I know I can’t change this disease but I am certain that distraction does help. Our mood disorder wants us to quit but hell we just can’t. I feel so lonely so much of the time and either cry or feel like crying but it is nice to know others are out there with response to our misery. We just must try to slither through the pain. This disease has made me feel so self-centered and odd. I know stress helped initiate the illness now I’m sure some distraction of joy must be introduced. It is so hard to find our way through this thick fog but I must continue to fight.

        • Hi Sandra,

          I changed your name. No problem. Whatever you put in the “Name” box shows with the comment, so just put what you want to show in there and you’ll be fine.

          – Natasha Tracy

  185. You wrote somewhere on this site that depression/bipolar wants to steal or take all of the experiences you will have in the future–sorry to post here but cant sleep and have been roaming around the site and cant find my way back to the comment and my head is gonna pop if i dont write this–I understand the concept you are driving at. I will in fact lose my future moments/experiences if I die, but the state I am in begs the question, so what. At 32 I cannot remember the absence of pain in my life for more than a couple of moments at a time, my father was bipolar and committed suicide and that is probably simultaneously the only reason I am alive (because I saw the damage suicide does) and a contributor to my condition. Life is hard I get it, but with a family that loves me, brothers, sisters, nieces, parents etc, I still cant remember joy… only pain… tears flow even as I type this… how selfish is it that I cant remember joy with a loving family? What moments would bipolar steal from me in the future if i die… moments of pain? exhaustion? or the recurring recognition that everyone I know wonders why I cant live up to my potential… its a full time job just fending off what sometimes presents itself as sweet relief until the guilt of even thinking of doing that to my family kicks in and both stops me and makes me feel worse… etc etc etc… so tired

    • Brett,
      I know it may seem like you are alone in this but you’re not. I often have thoughts of suicide and also know the devastation it would cause, but sometimes you just don’t care. You have reached out to the right place.
      I know that this might not be helpful to you but I’m not going to be one that tells you “the sun will come out tomorrow” cause you know that might not be true, but I will say this:
      Please keep reaching out with your thoughts and you will see that there are many on this site that feel the same way that you do right now and that can be helpful in it’s self.
      Warmly,
      Patricia
      .

    • Hi Brett,

      I understand what you are driving at too, and have felt it many times. You are not alone in that place.

      The thing about it is, we don’t know what’s around the corner. What that post

      http://natashatracy.com/mental-illness/depression/continue-fight-pain-depression/

      is driving at is that we don’t know what experiences might take place tomorrow, or a week from now, or a year from now. As one commenter on that post said, if they had killed themselves they would have never had children. And perhaps they could _never_ have seen themselves having children – but they did. Surprise! And it changed life forever.

      I understand what it’s like to be treatment-resistant and I know what it’s like to stare down decades more pain. But you don’t _know_ that it will be decades of more pain. You don’t _know_ that you won’t get better. I have seen improvements in myself where I thought none were possible. It happens. I know it might be hard to believe when I say it, but it does.

      I have written much through tears. I know that pain. And I’m very sorry you’re in it.

      As I’ve said, it’s completely reasonable to be tired – who wouldn’t be? What I can tell you is that you’re not alone and that when you have no energy, you can have some of mine, and some of other’s who are out there, reading this, and have been exactly where you are.

      You are brave and strong and courageous to have gotten this far and to have written that comment. All I can tell you is to keep breathing. Keep breathing and things will change. I can’t say how they’ll change, but they will, because illness is a constantly moving target – for better or worse.

      Hang in there.

      – Natasha Tracy

  186. Thank you for hearing my silent screams if agony and desponency and giving me permission to just breathe. If I am just breathing I am still alive. Lately there are days when that is all, and that is enough.

  187. I love this post, it is bookmarked on my phone so when I feel down or like it is getting all to much, I can just remind myself to breath , to do what I can when I can. Also to realise that its ok to have that day but I must keep going and pick up again from there and ‘reboot’ not let it get on top of me and never use ut as excuse.

    • Hi Travis,

      I’m glad I could help and I hope it will help you in the future too. It sounds like you have the right idea, you just needed a reminder – which we all do from time to time.

      – Natasha Tracy

  188. I am too tired to fight any more. When you lose everything to this horrid illness, and then keep losing everything when you finally manage to get back on your feet, what’s left to fight for?

    • Hi Anna,

      Life is worth fighting for. The smell of lilacs, breaths of air, the feel of the wind are worth fighting for. Believe me, I can understand that it seems like everything has been stripped from you, but no one can strip you of the experiences of life. Your pain and your life will not always be this way.

      – Natasha Tracy

  189. Pingback: Fighting Bipolar Disorder | Catholic Bandita

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  191. Hi Natasha,
    Just found your blog and am going through some of the older posts to “catch up”. This once I find interesting because I am very nicely recovering from a psychotic break (bipolar related) in December, but the fight I’m surprised at is to shrug off my friend’s perceptions of me now that I am doing well. I think that even though I’ve changed, they haven’t, and our relationships are very odd and sometimes detrimental to my recovery. I sent out an email apologizing for some of my behavior leading up to my break and got this huge backlash. I guess I just have to focus on forgiving myself and not worry about others’ forgiveness or else I’ll get stuck. It is,l I guess, always a fight with bipolar even when doing well because everybody expects the worse and changing that perception is nearly impossible.

    • Hi Rebecca, I read your post and, unfortunately, it is the case that, while we recover and learn new ways of thinking and behaving, those around us often do not. Some of them will probably come around in time, but you’re right, you have to concentrate on being well and not worry about what they think. A support or therapy group can be very helpful in this situation as it allows you to be with people who “get” you so that you can have that all-important social contact that we all need to be mentally healthy. And, to quote Dr. Seuss, “Be Who You Are and Say What You Feel Because Those Who Mind Don’t Matter and Those Who Matter Don’t Mind.”

      • Maureen – that is so true. I feel as if every time I’ve made a little bit of progress my wife’s attitude towards me knocks me right back to square one.

        I’ll take full responsibility for alienating her and our children. leaving a path of destruction behind me that nearly tore the family apart and being difficult to live with. But I’m trying so hard to change that and honestly, I don’t blame her if she never believes me when I say I’m trying to get better.

        Right now I have to pick my battles on the homefront.

        I feel more comfortable pouring my guts out here and on other boards dedicated to dealing with mental illness.

    • Hi Rebecca,

      Might I suggest that like you are going through a recovery process – so are they. They are recovering from the huge event that took place. And their recovery may not move alongside your recovery, particularly if they don’t know they are going through it.

      It really takes time to rebuild perceptions and trust. It also takes understanding and education/ I respect the fact that you wanted to apologize for some of your behavior – but that may not be enough. They may need more education about what you were going through. It’s one thing to say (totally fictional) “I’m sorry I hit you,” and another thing to say, “I was going through a psychotic episode where I believed that you were endangering my life. This led to my unfortunate actions which I deeply regret.” And so on.

      Understanding psychosis is something that extremely challenging for the people who have experienced it, let alone those that haven’t. For those that haven’t, psychosis seems “impossible.” It’s only because I’m familiar with other states of consciousness that I have any understanding of the state. Most people cannot say this.

      I highly recommend you look at the resources here: http://www.bcss.org/category/resources/topics-by-audience/family-friends/

      They are for people with schizophrenia but many of the resources are on psychosis and may help you better understand what you went through and may help others to understand too.

      And give everyone, including yourself, time. You’ll get through this.

      – Natasha Tracy

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  193. It could be worse! I’m “fighting” schizoaffective disorder (which is supposedly schizophrenia and bipolar combined) plus heroin addiction. But I just cannot afford to get too tired. Because then I risk getting complacent and complacency is something a “clean” (on methadone) drug addict cannot afford…

    • Hi Gledwood,

      I would suggest that complacency isn’t something any of us can afford as that’s when bipolar (or any other mental illness) will bite you too.

      Unfortunately, vigilance is the only answer I know.

      – Natasha

  194. Thank you for this post. It helps somewhat to feel that I’ve not alone.
    I’ve been feeling very ill lately and think of taking my own life most days but the thought of the hurt it would cause my family as we lost my dad just nearlly 4months ago would be too much, plus they wouldn’t be able to afford this extra funural at this time as my life insurance don’t cover suicide.

    So I will try to keep fighting my way though this, as hard as it is and just hope I find some light again soon.

    Thanks again.

    • Hi Katie,

      I’m sorry things are so hard for you right now, but I’m glad to hear you’re fighting. That fighting matters. And so many people are fighting with you. Lean on us when you need a backstop.

      – Natasha Tracy

  195. Thank you so much for this.

    Lately I have moments where I think I’m turning the corner and getting my life back. And other moments where I’m ready to throw in the towel and give up.

    I have three kids and I look at them and try to imagine them growing up without me and it brings me back from the brink of despair. I know I have to fight for them, for my marriage and for myself. It’s rough and some days it’s too hard to even think about but I’m trying.

    For most of my life I thought I was the only person who felt this way. It makes it a lot easier for me to know I’m not alone.

    • Hi David,

      I think it’s pretty normal to vacillate between wanting to give up and feeling like things are brightening. I like to think this is the beginning stage of turning a corner, but, of course, I don’t know that for sure.

      Whatever you fight for just hold on tight to that and know you aren’t alone. We’re fighting with you.

      – Natasha Tracy

  196. I think by fighting you mean avoiding suicide at all costs, which is the essential message. I totally agree with you about just taking the next breath. If that is all you can manage then that is good enough.

    I think “fighting” Bipolar and Depression is about acceptance. Give in to the feelings, and really feel them. Let yourself go through the pain, because you can get to the other side. Sometimes giving in and just doing your best to get through the day is all you can do.

    Say to yourself:

    “OK, I feel like absolute shit. That is how I feel today. But I am OK. I can stay in bed if I want. I can get up and watch something on TV. I can distract myself for a while. It wont take away the pain, but I can deal with it. I am OK. I feel shitty, but I’m OK. I will ask for help if I need it”.

    I guess we all have our own little strategies for getting through suicidal ideas.

    I don’t think fighting should be about pushing yourself so hard that you become worse, or denying your true feelings- that’s practically abuse.

    Great message.

    • Hi Rachel,

      Thanks for the comment. I’ve found alternating between “feeling” and “fighting” works best for me, but like you said, everyone has their own coping strategies. I do think though, that when you’re at the lowest of the low, fighting is all you have left. Just “feeling” doesn’t seem like a good idea as I think that can lead to suicide (just my opinion). But it really does vary by person because not everyone is prone to suicide but as 50% of people with bipolar will attempt, that’s a big concern for me.

      – Natasha Tracy

  197. Bipolar is a vampire that it might feel as if it sucks the life out of you but thankfully isn’t some eternal gig. Having a bipolar buddy I think helps for times when maybe you aren’t seeing things so clearly. You have someone who understands where you are at and isn’t afraid to kick ya if you need it.

    • Hi Debra,

      I agree with you that friends are critical and they can help you when you aren’t seeing things clearly. Of course, I haven’t found much use for “kicking” exactly, but everyone is different :)

      – Natasha Tracy

  198. Hey Natasha,
    I just discovered your site. I love it. I love this post. I LOVE your comment rules. Thank you for doing the work. It’s hard to be honest about living with bipolar. I was stable for 3 years and then I had a baby and had a massive relapse and haven’t been stable since. Sometimes it’s hard to stay positive. Sometimes I want to give up. Blogs like yours keep me going. Blogging keeps me going. Helping others keeps me going.
    So anyway, hi. It’s nice to meet you, fellow BeePea.
    All my best,
    Courtney

    • Hi Courtney,

      Nice to meet you.

      I’m sorry to hear about your instability. Unfortunately pregnancy can do that to some people with bipolar disorder but I’m glad you’ve found the strength to carry. You need that, for you and your baby.

      I’m happy if I can help in that goal.

      – Natasha Tracy

    • Courtney,

      Why do you think it is that someone like us can be stable for years than all of a sudden we aren’t anymore? I feel the same way you do. I understand that there are triggers that can bring on a depressive episode, however isn’t the medicine ever strong enough to fight off these ups and downs. Over the past 8 months, half of that time I was in an anxious and depressed state, actually more than half. The times when I was happy and okay only last 3-4 weeks at a time and the last two episodes, 2 weeks. Granted during those times, I had a lot going in my life, however why now at 26 am I not able to control these episodes? Is medicine not the answer anymore?

  199. Bi polar depression is a fight and a person cannot just look away and try to deny it. What I help people do is put thier issues, emotions, hardships, tasks and other realities into different forms. Each is acknowledged, labeled and valued (by subjective reasoning). The tasks (stuff to do) are our realities which require a forward physical movement. For example, the task of taking the dog for a walk requires that I have to take a step from my current position in space and time. I have to extend my foot forward enough to take a step. However I feel or think about taking the dog for a walk is secondary to the fact that dogs have to be taken for a walk. I will know how much of a bother or thrill it is to me when we are walking down the street together. The dog may think of me as an idiot and not want to walk, so I may have to go through the process of feeding him a treat. This may take a while, but with every action, there is forward motion. My sucky feelings are present in life and not discounted, but the immediate priority is getting the dog to pee and do his other things outside. The world will not kill me for doing the mundane task of taking the dog for a walk.

    I’m still alive and a part of the world when a task gets done because of my forward movement, whether it’s one sentence at a time or one book put back on the shelf. When a task is done, I have moved from the center of a circle which for a moment was holding in whatever present state of emotion and thinking held ground at the time. I broke through the bluff of “it doesn’t matter” and physically took a step forward out of the circle. Whether this is done once or 50 times a day, it still means that my mind and body participated.

  200. you have moments where you are literally living every 15 minutes

    when your life gets to where you are just trying to “live” each 15 minute period… it’s pretty friggin bad
    and then you have to be a parent, you have to be a employee, you have to be a spouse or partner, you have to be a child, you have to be a adult, you have to be a student

    because life doesn’t allow you to just BE YOU fighting with all your strength and energy to live EACH 15 minutes
    and for every 15 minutes that you do not give in.. .to the thoughts and the impulses to do otherwise
    you’ve accomplished SO UTTER much… a victory, every 15 minutes

    you “make it”, you “made it” and you look toward the next 15 minutes because while your brain is screeching DIE DIE DIE… your will, your spirit is quietly screaming “next 15 minutes, next 15 minutes, just hang on for another 15 minutes. Little steps little steps little steps. See each little step you just accomplished? You are winning.”

    meanwhile someone else asks “so, what do you accomplish in your life? what do you do to better yourself?”

    some days… I battle my mind, each and every 15 minutes… quite often, for days. I do not give in and my child, has yet, to lose her only parent – her mother. I think, that is an awesome accomplishment and certainly bettering myself.. considering

    • Tabby,

      I think you summed it up quite well and you remaining the only parent for your child is an enormous gift. That is something every child should have and you have taken the incredibly difficult steps to make sure it happens.

      I honour the hard work and what you have accomplished.

      – Natasha Tracy

  201. Natasha, your blog made me cry, but in a good way, knowing that someone understands. I have been fighting major depression for over thirty years and damn right I’m tired! It’s so frustrating knowing that, if I didn’t have this illness, I would have the energy to do so much more with my life than just survive.

    • Hi Maureen,

      Surviving is enough. Surviving is huge. We all contribute our little bit to the world and we don’t really understand all the ripples we make so your survival may be integral to another and you don’t know it.

      I truly believe it’s important not to beat ourselves up for what we can’t do. If we do that, we’ll always be at it. Yes, it’s frustrating considering our lives without illness, but that comparison is useless. It’s like saying “I wish I had her hair,” or “I wish I could run as fast as him,” and so on. We don’t have those gifts (or, you know, I don’t) but we have others.

      – Natasha Tracy

  202. I fortunately don’t have to deal with bipolar – though I know many who do – but I deal with depression, and I’m glad I fight it.

    I think it helps I’m a very stubborn, obstinant person, and I actually revel in the challenge. A quote that I love is “it is not in victory that you learn how strong you truly are”. That feeling, when you come out the other side, is amazing, and when I have a bout of depression, I hold onto that knowledge. Because you forget what it’s like to breathe, until you’re able to draw oxygen into your lungs once more – and nothing is sweeter.

  203. I am very, very fortunate that my major depression (recurring type) is in remission right now. But I know exactly what you’re talking about. Some days, the depression would just be so bad that any kind of functioning took a superhuman effort. Most of the time, I made that effort, but sometimes…sometimes just living felt like it was too hard. I thank God that for now I’m past that point, but I know intimately the pain of trying to go on in the face of everything pulling me down.

    • Hi Alexis,

      Yes, it’s great when things are in remission and you can see the illness for what it really is and you can gain perspective on what you have been through. Hopefully that can help you next time – if there is a next time. (And hopefully there won’t be.)

      – Natasha Tracy

  204. I fight the fight for four little reasons. I do seriously question whether what I put them and my wife through during my bad moods is fair to them which makes me question ending it more., I can’t give up though (even though I question that even as I type this), Yet, I still fight. I’m back to a new round or meds driving me crazier than I already am without them. I know it’s going to suck but I keep fighting, As I have been typing this, I have realized that I am fighting for me. I have a lot of reason’s to live and apparently, one of them is for me. If you are alive, apparently, you are alive for yourself

    hopefully some of this makes sense. I’m whacked out of Valium and can’t think for shit. Hopefully some of this might mean something to somebody. We’re not alone.

    • Hi Rich. Your comment helped me. I’ve spent most of my time today thinking about how I could end it all with the least amount of damage to my son. Alas, I did not come up w/one. So I will keep fighting for him. For today. Like Natasha said, if even for one breath at a time.

      • Hi Amy,

        I’m here to confirm, there isn’t one. When one ends one’s life there is no way to protect the others that they leave behind and certainly not someone like a son. I praise your decision to stay with us and hope you will continue to fight in whatever way makes sense to you. Breathing works for me.

        – Natasha Tracy

    • Hi Rich,

      I do believe that everyone has their own reasons to fight and “four little ones” are often what I hear. But like you said, I believe that ultimately, people fight for themselves. No one outside you can really give you the motivation you need. There is a driving biological force to fight. But of course, if people need those external factors too, I’m not about to suggest that isn’t good as well.

      Yes, your comment made sense :)

      – Natasha Tracy

  205. I watched your video today on Healthy Places that was recorded on June 11th 2010. I felt really sorry for you. The rapid cycling you talk about is actually caused by the drugs. I don’t know if you are still on these drugs as I am not a regular follower. I think you are still on the Vagus nerve stimulator.

    Anyway you can never fully recover until you take control of your life yourself and get off those toxic drugs etc. A new book coming out can help http://breggin.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=296&Itemid=129

    You CAN recover. Many people do.

      • Hi Natasha,
        I just read the article on Breggin that you provided to Cheryl. I can’t believe that such a person is able to practice. He is obviously delusional!
        Patricia